The Fall

The Reluctant Romantics (Book 1)

COPYRIGHT © 2015 Kate Stewart

Editing by Edee M. Fallon, Mad Spark Editing

Cover Design & Formatting by Jersey Girl & Co.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, bands, and/ or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/ use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

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Copyright

Table Of Contents

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Epilogue

About The Author

Other Book by Kate Stewart

Acknowledgements

For Patty Tennyson, Sharon Dunn, Anne Morrillo, Stacy Hahn, Christine Stanley, Julie Kerchkof and Dee Montoya, thank you for being the best and most supportive group of women imaginable. There is NO WAY I could have made it through this one without you.

And for my stepmother Alta, who groomed me as a reader and cheers me on as a writer.

“Best love story I have ever heard. Not one of them is perfect, not one of them is easy, but the good ones are always worth it.”- Room 212

Dean

Now

“Dean, Dean Martin!”

The pain was instant as I turned to look in the direction of the voice, even if it was not the person shouting my name that made it painful, but the memories it recalled. Rob, an old frat buddy of mine, was approaching on the street. He was far from the drunken, disheveled mess he was in college. Though he was dressed for business, he looked out of place on the streets of New York, like he did not belong, and yet he strode up to me with an air of confidence as if he owned Manhattan.

“Hey, man,” I greeted with a handshake and half-hug. “Apparently, New York didn’t get the memo to keep your Texan ass out.”

He gave me his signature ‘I know shit you don’t know’ smirk with his reply. “Dean Martin, did you really think you would be the only good-looking, successful, rich man to come out of Austin?”

“No, but I knew you damn sure wouldn’t make the cut, at least in the good-looks department.”

“Ahhh, but what are looks when you can buy affection?” he sighed as he patted me on the back in condolence. “To me, you had it the worst because they wouldn’t leave you alone. When you are only semi-good-looking it’s not an issue.”

We walked for a few minutes as he caught me up on my other old frat buddies and their progress. I had not bothered to accept their invitations to catch up on annual trips. I had been too busy trying to finish medical school when they were starting their careers.

We stopped at a coffee vendor as Rob told me he was only in New York to pitch an idea for his ad agency back in Dallas.

“You do remember Dallas, right? The place in which you are a refugee from?”

It was an instant tear, a recognition that life had not stopped back home because I had left there. His presence alone felt like a confrontation of what I had left behind. A confrontation I had avoided for so long that I could no longer ignore. Though that slap in the face had already occurred twice in the last few years, having Rob in front of me shook me to my core.

“I’ve been back once or twice. But I had plans bro, unlike you, slacker. Did you say you were in advertising?”

“Nope, I said I owned a firm. It’s small but growing. This campaign I decided to land myself. It really could be a big break for me.” He looked slightly winded as he spoke and I secretly hoped it worked out for him. Rob was a good guy, always had been. He looked up at me then shook his head before looking around the crowded street.

“You know as much as you talked about coming here, I always thought you would stay back home, marry Dallas, have kids, the dog, that kind of thing.”

His words were like razor blades tearing into my resolve, provoking the sinking feeling I thought I had rid myself of. The mention of her name paralyzed me with guilt and awareness. I shrugged my shoulders, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Yeah, well we were young, and she’s probably doing all of that right now.” I walked faster, trying to mask the sting in my chest.

“No, she isn’t,” he said, throwing his cup in the trashcan next to me. “I saw her last month at a restaurant. Jesus Christ, fine as hell, and no band on her left hand. She’s working at Memorial.”

Every single fiber of my being lit up in recognition as I stared at him as though he told me Santa was in fact real and it was Christmas Eve.

Rob’s brows lifted as he gave me his famous grin. “And I can see you weren’t interested in that information at all.”

“She’s good, then. That’s good.”

Jesus, Dean, your heart is pounding.

“Yeah, man, she’s really good.” He gave me a careful look as I stayed motionless on the sidewalk. “So let’s go have a beer after my meeting and after your day?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” I replied, knowing it would not happen. My whole world had just been rocked with what he had told me. I felt my pulse skyrocket as I pushed through a hasty goodbye, giving him my cell number then heading toward my building. Every muscle in my body suddenly weak, my movements were pushed and deliberate.

Unrelenting shocks of pain and recognition coursed through me as I heard her voice in a whisper through my racing thoughts.

“I’ll still love you.”

Those words tore through me for the hundredth time as I tried to take a calming breath. I stopped mid-stride down the corridor between patient rooms as I tried to slow my heart rate.

“Dr. Martin,” Lori, my nurse addressed me. I raised my hand in protest and averted my eyes so she could not see the panic on my face.

“Lori, cancel my next two appointments—no—” I swayed on my feet as I reached reception, feeling the cold sweat as it seeped from my every pore “—cancel my day.”

“Dean,” she questioned in alarm as I gripped the counter, “are you okay?”

“I’ll still love you in a week, in a month, and in three years. I’ll still love you for the rest of my life.”

“Yes,” I gritted out as my chest constricted.

Fuck, was I having a heart attack?

Without thinking, I looked to her in question as if she knew my racing thoughts.

“Oh, God, Dean, you are white as a sheet. Sit down right now.” Unable to get it together, I let her lead me to one of our patient rooms.

I felt the squeeze on my arm as she took my vitals.

“Jesus, Dean, your BP is off the charts. Look at me,” she commanded. “Any pain?”

“No, I mean, not really,” I answered as cold sweat covered me.

“Yes or no? Let’s get you to Dr.—”

I shook my head before she had a chance to finish. “No, it’s not a heart attack.”

She looked at me with her jaw set. “You don’t know what it is.”

“Yes, I do. I’ll be fine. Just give me a few minutes and please just cancel the appointments.”

She looked me over as I began to come down then eyed me with concern.

We both knew it was a panic attack, but she wanted to save my dignity. I rewarded her by ordering her to leave the room.

When my heart slowed faintly and I was able to walk, I stumbled out of the building and out into the unforgiving streets of New York. My shoulder met with another then another as I tried and failed to find stable footing. The pedestrians I crashed into gave me gracious ‘fuck yous’ with their glares in lieu of concern.

Racing across a sea of concrete and crossing into Central Park, I kept walking until I was finally close to alone. I had no destination and that was the problem. I had done everything I had set out to do. I no longer had a compass.

Walking aimlessly through the park, I was flooded with memories I could not process, words, whispers, smiles, touches that rocked me with every desperate gulp of air. My whole life I had been working toward this last year of my career. It had come and gone, yet nothing had changed. The emptiness I’d felt for years had suddenly resurfaced again with aggressive vengeance, determined to take every single sense of accomplishment away from me.

I had lived the last few years of my life buried in regret. My purpose had been simple; my goals were singular in nature, and I had gotten it all wrong. Exhausted and perplexed, I sat on a park bench, watching the world shift as I sat still in my torment.

I had done nothing...nothing to deserve her loyalty and yet in my racing heart she still belonged to me. In my mind, she was still there, reminding me to breathe, and that I still breathed for her.

Could she still feel me the way I still felt her? In my bones, in my blood, in the very depths of who I was, she remained.

My father always used to tell me he did not remember his twenties. He had said that he had been so damn busy trying to prove himself to a world that did not give a shit about him that he had forgotten to live, to look around him. I had lived my twenties the same damn way. Even with his warning, I had foolishly followed his path, and now I was drowning in a similar fate. I ripped my tie away from my neck and pocketed it as I ran my hands through my hair.

You cannot go back, Dean.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I fisted the sides of my head, wishing for one more minute with my father. Just a gesture, a knowing smile, something, I needed...anything.

But it really was not my father’s words that I needed; it was her words I needed to believe.

“I’ll still love you.”

It was her, had always been her, and would always be her.

You cannot go back, Dean.

Hours passed as I sat in the freezing park, welcoming the cold into my lifeless bones to numb me. I had the world I wanted. The world I had worked so fucking hard for. It was all there. The career I had dreamt of was waiting for me just a few blocks away and yet I could not move to get back to it. I could not shake the thought that it meant absolutely nothing.

This was empty. This was nothing.

Ignoring my vibrating phone, I mindlessly watched the faces of those who walked by, wondering if they were happy. How much could you tell about a person by watching them in a park?

When they glanced back at me, did they see the successful lie I had become? Or did they see the broken shell of a man who no longer had any desire at all? Not in my career, my life, or in love.

No, it was craving that fueled me now. I had to know. My whole being would not let me rest another minute until I had the answer to the question I so desperately needed to ask.

But I was going back.

For her, for me, for my sanity, I had to know.

“I’ll still love you.”

"I hate being a grown up". – Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Now

Not again! I ran to the bathroom, relieving myself for the fifth time today. I knew what this was. I knew it. I would deal with it later. I was late for rounds and was already so far behind. Damn it, this would not look good. I waved to Beatrice, my favorite nurse on staff, and she ushered me in the direction of the rest of my group.

“Dr. Whitaker, good to see you again. Will you be joining us for the rest of rounds?”

“Sorry, Dr. Pierce,” I said, avoiding eye contact.

This was bad, not that I could not deal with getting called out in front of the other doctors. I just knew what frequent pee breaks meant. I had dirty dick disease! Damn it, of all the times to get a bladder infection! Josh would never hear the end of this for sure. If only he would stop sexing me every day and give me a damn break. I could not hide my smile, and I knew he was not really to blame. Still, I was irritated, and I already felt the tugging of my bladder. Only fifteen more patients and I could go attempt to pee. I felt a small pang of guilt when I thought of last night in bed when Josh had practically begged me to move in with him. He had been trying so hard with me.

“Dally, please,” he rasped out while lying on his side, sliding his manipulative fingers down my shoulder.

“My name is D-a-l-l-a-s. You know, like the city we live in? Find a new pet name. I hate that one,” I barked, my hands clasped under my pillow.

“How about Lucifer?” he said without any humor in his voice, but I could hear the smile on his lips.

“Sounds much better than Dally,” I said, adjusting my pillow and folding it in half just right so I felt supported. When I could not get comfortable, I gave it an all-out fit, pulling it out from under me and punching it a few good times. It was a peeve of mine.

“I love you, Dallas. Please talk to me. Why won’t you move in?” He wrapped his arm around me, stroking my skin underneath my t-shirt.

“We’ve only been dating a year,” I noted, my back still to him in a vain attempt to keep the conversation at bay.

“A year is long enough. I already know what a pain in the ass you are. Why won’t you go all in with me?”

The hurt in his voice tugged on my heartstrings. As long as I stood my ground, I knew I would have a good chance at keeping the inevitable conversation away for just a bit longer.

“I’m not ready for it, Josh. Now hush. I need my sleep.”

He pulled my arm around and flipped me so I was straddling him. His fearless blue eyes let me know he was intent on having this conversation.

“I am going to die of sleep depravity,” I bitched as he leaned up, grabbed my bottom lip with his teeth and sucked it gently.

“And I know what a demon you can be. Look, Dally...Lucifer ...” He grinned and I returned it. “I love you. Please just move in. You already stay here practically every day, anyway.” He gave me a hopeful look.

“Josh, I have this illusion of a grand gesture and you are totally fucking it up for me.” I sighed as he kept me planted where I was with his hands on my hips.

“Grand gesture?” he said, squeezing my hips as he ground his against me.

“Something over the top, you know?” I said, feeling the pull of what he was doing. “Never mind, I heard that in some movie, I think.” He paused, looking totally lost. I could not blame him. I had no idea what I was looking for, either. But what I did know is my last few months with Josh have been a struggle. The connection was lacking and I was fighting the loss of it. “Forget it. Look, it’s a good idea in theory and it would save us both some money. We get along well and I am over here all the time. I gave you monogamy. Let it be enough for now, okay?”

His sexy smile told me I was off the hook, for now, but only with the conversation. “Okay, well, can I at least have a kiss goodnight?”

“Yep.” I pecked his lips and he quickly moved in, capturing my mouth, his intention clear.

“You have really got to stop this, Josh. You are a sick, sick man.” I moaned and tilted my head back, enjoying the feel of him.

“I want you every minute of the day.” His blue eyes bore into mine and I was defenseless against them. I let him do whatever he wanted when he looked at me that way. It was the eyes that got me every time. He had the most beautiful dark blue eyes and long thick black lashes. It was incredible what they could do. His skin was porcelain perfection and I could not help but to touch every inch of his broad chest in appreciation. Josh was beautiful. I was a tall, leggy, longhaired brunette with green eyes and a nice smile. While I had my fair share of compliments, I was never really sure why I had his attention.

“I love you,” he confessed, staring up at me as he slid my t-shirt over my head. “I love you,” he repeated heavily beneath me as he stroked my face. I smiled at him as he came to meet my lips and whispered back, “I love you too, Josh.”

Still, as I said the words, I felt the same thing I had always felt when I said the words back...guilt.

I walked into Mr. Carson’s room and waited for his wife to end her phone conversation. I was making rounds with Dr. Pierce again this morning. Pierce was a grimy old bastard of a veteran who had horrible news for the Carsons. I stood and quietly watched Mrs. Carson fall apart at the diagnosis that her husband’s cancer was back and inoperable. The light in her face went completely dark, and for the first time in years, I felt moisture on my cheeks.

What in the hell? I do not cry! I never cry!

I braved a glance at Dr. Pierce, who was not looking in my direction, as he explained the ins and outs of Mr. Carson’s worsening condition. I quickly wiped the wetness from my face before excusing myself. I could not lose composure in front of patients! And I damn sure could not cry! What the hell was going on? I quickly walked to the nearest bathroom and washed my face. Having overslept again, something I rarely did, I had not had time to make myself up that morning, my exhaustion evident in the tiny bags under my eyes.

My my my, Dallas Whitaker, you look like shit. Okay, doc, what is going on? The flu? I have the flu!

I quickly walked to Dr. Pierce’s side when he left the Carsons’ room. I knew it was the worst possible time to approach him.

“Sir, I believe I am sick.”

“Oh, Dallas, what are your symptoms?”

“Fatigue, nausea, frequent urination, and I’m sleeping longer than normal.”

“Better go get a urine test.”

“Sir?”

“I can’t believe I have to point this out to you, Dallas,” he huffed in indignation as he walked away, his head down, his attention on his charts.

I stood in the middle of the hall and watched him, incredulous. He turned the corner and eyed me carefully in the hall, musing as the realization washed over me. My knees damn near buckled, and I felt sweat pool at the top of my head then creep down my neck as fear swept through me.

Please, God, no!

“Just take the test, Dallas, but before you do, let’s go see the rest of our patients.” At the sound of his voice, I pulled myself together and quickly caught up to him to finish our rounds. He never once engaged me with prognosis questions. It was completely atypical of him, too. Usually, he would use this as an opportunity to really put his punishment skills to work. I still needed a constant chaperone starting as a second year resident, but I had a hand in all departments until I had decided my specialty. I would be starting a general practice in a few years and needed to get my feet wet anywhere and everywhere. I gave him a nod of thanks as we finished our day and quickly ran to my car. I had dinner with Mom and Dad tonight and while normally I would be excited to see them, I was no longer looking forward to it. I buried my head in my hands, terrified at the possibility. No, no, no. This is not how this is supposed to go. Josh was officially dead to me. I hated him and his dirty dick ...

Bastard.

I would kill him if he ruined my career before it even started.

I could kiss my practice goodbye if I had to put my life on hold for a baby.

Baby.

Fear choked me, making it impossible not to think of how far I had come. Against all odds, I had survived eight years of school, only to stifle my own career before it had even really begun.

I hadn’t thought about the possibility of a family or anything related to some semblance of a personal life in years. I no longer had any desire to go that route, at all. I closed my eyes, willing my waking nightmare away.

Baby.

More tears slipped from my face as I pushed them away with my fingers, willing my body to stop betraying me. I had worked too hard to get to where I was. I tried in vain to shake off the blanket of dread that began to cover me and buckled my seat belt both literally and figuratively.

Pulling up to my childhood home, I was thankful to see Rose’s SUV. I hurried inside and saw Rose and my parents chatting at the kitchen table. I said a quick hello and ran upstairs to my old room, letting them know I would be right down. I grabbed the test and quickly emptied the two water bottles I had just downed on the ride over onto the stick. I heard the bathroom door handle jiggle then saw Rose before I had a chance to react.

“Rosie, get out!” Shrieking the words repeatedly didn’t do a damn bit of good. True to her nature, my sister walked in and made herself at home against my protest.

“Oh, please. I have seen it all and you—” She stopped, eyes wide as she picked up the test box and studied me.

“Dallas, why in the hell are you taking a pregnancy test?”

“Because I am one hundred and fifty percent confident in my birth control, Rose. Why in the hell do you think I’m taking one?” I deadpanned.

“Oh, my God, Dallas, you’re kidding me!”

I watched my sister hyperventilate as I grabbed the test and let out a long, loud breath. “Negative, thank God. No more sex, ever.”

Rose, who was my favorite person on the earth, hugged me with her whole being while I was still on the toilet. Only Rose, I mused and hugged her back. She pulled away and crossed her arms. “Why would you do this at Mom and Dad’s?”

“I was feeling sick earlier and I thought maybe...I don’t know. I had to know.” Keeping my head down, I washed my hands as she eyed me. I didn’t want to tell her how insanely terrified I was at the possibility of a baby.

“Would you have been happy if it had been positive?”

“No.” I was quick with my answer. It came easily. “I don’t even know if I want kids at all. That is so far away from now as far as I’m concerned. We are so close to starting our practice. It would have been a disaster.”

She glanced at me briefly as she tossed the test in the trash. “If it’d been positive, I would’ve started it. The practice will be ours, anyway,” she said confidently.

I felt a pang of anger at the thought. “Rose, I want to be the one to start it, you know that. Besides, you have years before you’ll be able to fully join me. It would delay everything.”

“Did Josh know you were taking the test?”

“No, and I won’t tell him. He has been pressuring me to move in, and now I’m even more convinced that I don’t want to set up house.” I sighed, holding my hands palms up in the air.

“Do you love him?” She looked up at me expectantly, and I couldn’t help but notice the subtle changes in her features. Rose had gone from a tall, gangly ginger into a gorgeous, auburn, classic beauty. With a heart-shaped face and beautiful green eyes, she was by far the prettier of the two of us, at least in my opinion. I weighed her words about my affection for Josh.

“Not like that. I mean, not yet. We’re good together. He’s so worth it and treats me so well.” It was the first time I had actually admitted it to myself. “Rose, we are so close to our dream and I almost screwed it up.” I exhaled in relief.

“The hell you did. Listen, Dallas, I really like Josh and I would’ve been thrilled to be an aunt. So while I’m relieved for you, I’m a bit disappointed, as well. We’ve already given a ton of time and energy to our careers and they will be even more demanding when we open our practice. So enjoy your personal life too or before you know it we will be rich old maids with nothing to look forward to,” she warned. I raised my brow in response. “Says the girl who hasn’t dated in years.”

“I’m still in med school. There’s my excuse,” she offered quickly, dropping the subject and turning to walk out of the bathroom.

“Oh, no you don’t.” I tugged her arm, stopping her retreat so she was forced to face me. “You can’t keep hiding behind your books or school, either, Rose. David doesn’t deserve your faithfulness. It’s time you broke the seal.” David was Rose’s first and only love. She had dated him all through her first four years of college. Personally, I couldn’t stand him and told her every chance I got. It was no big surprise to me when he let her down in the worst way. Still, it was horrible watching her go through the break up.

“Drop it, Dallas. I’m fine,” she muttered, refusing to meet my eyes.

“He dates you for four years, doesn’t bother to put a ring on it, and then cheats and marries six months later. Yeah, I’ll drop it. I’m pretty sure your vagina’s mourning period was over long ago.”

“You are such a dude, Dallas,” she said, shaking her head back and forth with a grin.

“No, I think like one. It’s much easier, I promise,” I reminded her. “Come on, let’s quit this feelings fest. I’m starving.”

We hurried downstairs to find my parents in their usual kitchen standoff. They were both in their sixties and acted absolutely nothing like the little old people they were becoming. I think that was what I loved about them most.

“Seth, stop it, damn you! This is a pan seared fish, not flambé!” My mother shrieked as she shook her head at my father who was standing at the stove. She held out her hand for the spatula, which he refused to give. “Laura, I have got this! Go set the table or something.”

She glared at his back as she continued. “I bought the shit to make it. I planned this dinner. Our babies probably desperately need a home cooked meal and you are burning it!”

“Baby, I love you, but would you please shut the hell up?” He chuckled, digging the spatula in the pan as he tried desperately to hide the fact that he couldn’t separate the burnt fish from it enough to turn it over.

“Damn stubborn ass man, I swear I have never—” She spotted me at the foot of the stairs. “Dallas, come here, baby. Tell your father the fish is burnt!”

“Hey, Daddy.” I smiled at him as I walked over to glance over his shoulder at the fish he had so clearly burnt. “It’s okay, really. I like my fish extra crispy.”

“Hey, angel.” He greeted me with his usual bear hug then kissed my cheek. I had to rip myself out of his hug the way I always did. My mother grabbed a couple of casserole dishes, set them on the table, and ushered for us to sit.

“Anything new going on with you two?” she questioned, looking between Rose and me.

“Five minutes ago I thought I was pregnant with Josh’s baby,” I blurted out as my father dropped the spatula on the kitchen floor, his mouth open in shock.

Great, Dallas, you have officially lost it.

My mother laughed loudly at my father’s reaction. “Seth, she’s almost twenty-eight years old. I’m pretty sure that ship sailed years ago.” My mother chuckled as she gave me the dirty eye for being so forthcoming.

“Yeah, well, I thought you’d be more upset that I might have had a baby out of wed lock,” I muttered carefully, still silently cursing my mouth.

It never failed. Whenever I was nervous about anything, I was instantly sarcastic about the situation. It had proved to be a nightmarish flaw over the years and was no less mortifying now. If all else failed, my brain was convinced sarcasm and denial were my best defense.

“When the hell did you or Rose ever do anything conventionally?” my father pointed out as he picked the spatula up and walked to the sink to rinse it.

“So true,” my mother said, eyeing me with a smile. “As a matter of fact, your father and I placed a bet a year ago on which one of you would get pregnant first.” My mother nodded at me and my jaw dropped. “So you picked me, Mom?” I snapped, offended.

“And I was close, wasn’t I?” she said with a wink and smiled at my father.

“You chose me, Daddy!” Rose shrieked, now equally as irritated.

“Girls, please you are both plenty old enough to have kids,” my mother piped happily.

“What the hell is wrong with you people?” Rose said, eyeing us all. “That’s not the way of things. It goes love, marriage, children,” she huffed, scolding us all.

“Ah,” my mother said, eyeing my father. “So you’ll set the example for us all. Well, that’s a relief,” my mother added, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she added a few casserole dishes to the table and gestured again for us to sit.

“Maybe I will,” Rose said smartly, refusing to meet my mother’s eyes. My mother was the complete definition of a liberal. She hated what the world considered ‘the norm’. She encouraged us at all times to live out loud, and resist conformity when it was a bad idea. My father, on the other hand, was a conservative man. They made for an interesting parenting combination, leaving Rose and I to muddle through their conflicting advice our entire lives. Still, somehow...it worked. I grinned between the two of them and could see the wheels turning at the idea of a grandchild. They would have been thrilled, both of them.

“Can we change the subject?” I begged, bored with the conversation. “Disaster averted.”

“Babies are not a disaster. They are an absolute blessing,” my mother said, grabbing my hand. Lowering my head as my mother said grace, I ignored the tugging feeling threatening me.

You have come too far, Dallas.

My mother spoke her next words with one eye open. “And Lord, if possible, I would love to be a grandmother sometime this century. Amen.”

“I’m sure Dad will win the bet, Mom,” I added, circling my fork around my burnt fish. “I have no interest in any of that.”

“Don’t you dare put that burden on me,” Rose choked out through a sip of her water. “I don’t need that right now, either.”

“Lightning will strike for you one day, Dallas. You, too, Rose,” my father assured us.

“Lord, Dad, what are you harping about now?” my brother Paul said, waltzing into the kitchen all smiles with his wife Hilary by his side as he took turns hugging each of us. We all stood to exchange greetings to a shy Hilary who gave us all warm smiles. She was 5’1” and one hundred pounds soaking wet with hazel eyes and classic features. She had worked hard to chip away at Paul’s resolve to never settle down. But according to Paul, it took him ten minutes to fall in love with her.

“Your sisters just indirectly told us we would never be grandparents. For now, your bet is safe.”

Paul smirked as he looked straight at me.

“Great, you too? Who did you bet on Paul?” I asked, knowing I was the one he had wagered on.

“I had to weigh in, Dallas. I practically raised you with them.” Paul was twelve years older than I was and fourteen older than Rose. He had done it all for us and with us. As far as big brothers went, Rose and I had been incredibly lucky. My brother was the spitting image of my father with strawberry blonde hair, striking jade green eyes, and fair skin. Their likeness was unmistakable.

“How’s business, son?” My father addressed my brother as he took a seat, eyeing the fish with distaste before opting to load his plate with sides.

“Great, Dad, but could you please come back a day this week and stomp Jose’s ass? He won’t listen to me again.”

“It’s all yours, my boy. He is the best foreman in the state of Texas, but he’s a mean old bastard. You will just have to figure out a way.”

“Seriously, Dad, I will fire him before I deal with him much longer,” he said, forking some potatoes.

“No you won’t. You are too smart,” my father mused.

They gave each other a grin. My dad was immensely proud of his son for taking over his construction company. My father had been the best architect in Dallas and still dabbled in designing buildings, but had given his son the other half of the business when he retired. He now used all his free time to drive my mother insane. I watched my dad take my mother’s hand, as he often did without noticing, but she did. She looked down at their hands and smiled at him while he surveyed the table.

“Why don’t you harp on Paul about having kids?” I nudged my brother next to me. “He is old as dirt, married and hasn’t produced a Whitaker heir yet.”

Hilary instantly froze, a wave of unease crossing her features. Paul gave me a weary look before spurting out, “All good things,” and taking her hand to squeeze it tightly then whispering softly into her ear. I seemed to be the only one to notice the exchange and made a point to ask him about it later.

“Mark my words. Lightning will strike you, dear daughters. There is no stopping it,” my father said confidently, eliciting a round of groans from me and my siblings.

After dinner, I watched my mother tie her hair up in her famous no nonsense bun before clearing the table to start the dishes. Standing behind her, my father plucked her perfectly tucked hair so it fell down around her shoulders. She looked back at him with annoyance until he swept her hair away from her neck and kissed it while he wrapped his arms around her, taking a dish from her hands and washing it for her. She smiled and leaned into him as he did the dishes with his arms around her. I heard him whisper to her, “I love you, baby.”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I heard Rose whisper next to me, just as mesmerized by my parents as I was.

“I can’t even be sarcastic about them, Rose. How in the hell do you get it that good?”

“I don’t know, Dallas, but I want it too,” she whispered in a daze, watching them closely and with envy, the way she had her whole life. I knew that feeling because I had done the same.

I hugged my family goodbye with a promise to call my mother more often. I got in my car with a heavy heart, a familiar pain I had grown used to weighing upon it. Long ago, there had been a time that I was sure I had found the same love my parents shared. A time when I was so naïve that I believed that fairytale had a place in every person’s life. A time when I would have welcomed a baby with open arms and coveted being a mother. It took years to finally convince myself that although what my parents had was genuine, they were the ones who were naïve to think it could happen to everyone. I didn’t have the heart to tell my baby sister it was a myth. I would just have to be there for her when she found out for herself.

Dallas

Now

Help. Help.

The whirring continued around me as I opened my mouth, unable to get the words out. My screams were soundless, my pleas for help lost on the torrent of wind. The clouds circled me with the promise that trouble was coming. I watched the silent lightning strike the ground once...twice.... And then strikes littered the sky as the wind whipped around me, warning me that they were coming.

I watched in sheer terror as the cloud directly in front of me began to stretch and sink slowly toward the ground.

I awoke paralyzed with fear instead of relieved at a good night’s sleep. Calming myself with deep breaths, I brought my heartbeat down enough to throw my drenched covers off of me.

Damn dream, always fear. I knew where this one stemmed from.

I had damn near ruined my career because of casual sex and would make it a point to get seen today so that it would never happen again. The constant nagging of my bladder let me know it wasn’t going away. I stared at my reflection. I had to start taking better care of myself. My light green eyes had deep purple half-moons underneath them. My skin was pale from lack of sun, and in mid-June in Texas, that was a bad sign. I was working longer hours than I should, and though it spoke volumes to my colleagues, it was clear I was pushing too hard. I took a scalding shower and made it a point to put on some makeup and a formfitting dress under my lab coat. I brushed my long brown hair and resigned to get a cut soon. I favored my mother and had her prominent sleek nose, large eyes, and full lips. Pleased with the effort I had put into my appearance, I grabbed the keys to my small condo and headed out.

Today was my day to give all possible prognoses and I had studied all the charts of the new patients. It was important that I delivered my findings as a confident doctor who had graduated first in her class. Not the over worked, over sexed mess that I was becoming.

Aside from the constant need to use the bathroom, I muddled through a majority of the rooms with success. My answers seemed to please the majority of the residents, as well as the impossible governing doctor. I finished with Mr. Carson, which I thought was cruel and unusual punishment. He was in this teaching hospital to receive the best, most cutting edge and affordable care for his condition; still I had a horrible time repeating his worsening condition.

“Lance Carson, forty-six years young, stage four inoperable brain tumor.”

“Treatment, Dr. Whitaker?”

I quickly looked to Dr. Pierce, ridding myself of the burden of studying Mr. Carson’s reaction.

“Meds to keep him comfortable,” I said in a low, defeated voice. I had no desire to drag this case out.

“Lost cause, Dr. Whitaker?” This time I had no choice but to look at Mr. Carson, who was clearly unaffected by the whole conversation. I, however, was furious about his question being in poor taste and glared at Dr. Pierce, challenging him.

“No such thing, sir,” I snapped, clearly having lost my mind. Gauging his reaction, I realized that, yep, this was going to be bad.

“Excuse me?” I saw the entire fleet of med students stiffen at his incredulous tone and imaginatively bent over and kissed my ass goodbye. Well, if I was going to go all Captain Destructo today, I might as well go all in. I lifted my chin for a standoff.

“There is no such thing as a lost cause in my opinion, sir. Death is the only definite. Everything else we can fight,” I said confidently.

“Are you hoping for a medical miracle, Dr. Whitaker?” I looked to the source of the person speaking and saw it was a smiling Lance Carson. “Come on, Dr. Whitaker, let’s hear your opinion,” Lance requested, leading me deeper into the hole I was quickly digging myself into.

Shut the hell up, Dallas!

I saw a mini me in the corner of my mind, holding the shovel and waving, and I flipped the apparition off. I watched every white coat in the room lean a little further in to hear the end of my short career.

I hesitated with my answer, now completely avoiding Peirce’s murderous stare.

“Okay...It’s the art of practicing medicine, Mr. Carson. There are plenty of facts and a ton of theories. We have to keep practicing to make theory a fact in all sciences.”

“Answer me without a bunch of philosophical bullshit, Dr. Whitaker,” Lance said, his stare heavy on me.

I heard a med student chuckle and glared in his direction for a split second before continuing.

Floor is all yours now, idiot. Eight years of college and you were a doctor for ten minutes.

I continued, anyway, my insides churning. “They have been trying to cure this disease for far too many years and I am telling you there is only one. The only cure for cancer is to fight and survive. There are more advanced treatments available every day. Dr. Pierce thinks you can’t survive the fight. I say you can. I say we can shrink it enough to operate and get it out and keep you fighting. You will be very, very sick. This is very close to a lethal dose, but it may work. They want to keep you comfortable while you die. I want you to fight death.”

“Dr. Whitaker! Don’t you think if I thought that was an option I would have suggested it?” I heard Pierce growl my name and turned to him.

“It is an option, sir. An option you didn’t suggest because of the risk of losing what time he has left. Mr. Carson wanted my honest opinion. Well, now you have it,” I said, addressing Mr. Carson while sweat gathered on my forehead.

“I am his doctor and mine is the opinion that matters,” Pierce said, dismissing me, my whole spiel circling the drain.

“I asked her, Todd Pierce. Don’t pull that shit with her when I asked her,” Mr. Carson barked.

I looked between the two and quickly realized this was a debate I wanted no part of. They were obviously good friends and I immediately saw the small amount of sadness in Pierce’s eyes that he let show. “False hope breaks hearts, Lance. You know that.”

“Hope is all you have when you are dying,” Mr. Carson shot back.

“This could kill you the first day,” Dr. Pierce said in a low, rushed tone.

“And it could save me, couldn’t it, Dr. Whitaker?”

“It could,” I answered quickly “I could give you the probability and—”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I just want to fight. It’s pretty much die or die anyway at this point. You told me to fight and I’m listening.”

“You won’t survive,” Pierce said emphatically, his words coming out harsh.

“I wasn’t going to, anyway,” Mr. Carson shot back, meeting him with an equal measure of tenacity. “So, Dr. Whitaker, when do we start the fight?”

“Today,” I said, watching my tone carefully so there wasn’t a trace of victory in it. I was walking a very fine line.

“Good,” Lance said enthusiastically, looking to me as he nodded. “Give me the treatment, order it now. And, Peirce, not a word to her about this entire conversation. This was my decision.”

“I won’t say a word to her about it, Lance. You have mine. Go on, Whitaker.” Pierce sighed on an exhale, not meeting my eyes.

“Yes, sir.” I turned on my heels and gave the orders.

I did a small strut down the hall and quickly felt my nerves get to me and went back to my new second home to empty my bladder. I knew I hadn’t suggested the treatment to Lance Carson just to one up Pierce. I prayed then it would work. I brushed off the sickness with my new excitement still fresh and walked to my tiny closet sized office. I picked up the phone immediately to dial Josh and tell him about my small victory, but decided to text Rose instead. Josh never took a real interest in my career. He didn’t understand my passion for my field. While he was somewhat supportive, it was a lacking factor in our relationship. One that I was sure would only wear on our connection as time progressed. In one of the few fights we’d had, he’d gone so far to mention that he was tired of my endless rants about work and that I needed to find a hobby or a new outlet.

I hadn’t looked at him the same since.

I was writing up charts when Dr. Peirce poked his head in.

“So are you pregnant, Dr. Whitaker?”

“No.”

I looked up to see him leaning in the doorframe. I could tell in his formative years that he had been one hell of a lady killer. He had salt and pepper hair and his eyes were a beautiful rich brown. He was a handsome older man, though I couldn’t stand more than a few hours at a time with his brash personality. I saw a trace of a small smile grace his lips.

“Good for you.” He turned on his heel and walked away, leaving me stunned. In the last two days, he had shown concern for my wellbeing. And I was even more taken aback that he had kept his word to Mr. Carson by not handing my ass to me. I knew then he’d probably taken to my idea to treat his friend. I had spent the last thirteen months under his watch and was finally seeing a small hint of humanity in him.

It seemed to be the collective thought amongst most doctors to shed our human skins at the hospital. Those who thought we were simply cold-hearted, money seeking machines were sadly mistaken. In the long run, it was easier to be a doctor if you thought of yourself as an uninvolved part of a well-oiled machine. Things would always get a little gray at times, but getting involved with patients led to nothing but an aching heart and the inevitable need to flee the career itself. Keeping your emotions in check was vital to a long career. Or so I was taught.

I willed myself to finish my charts as my fatigue set in early. I looked at the clock and realized I was ten minutes late for my OB appointment.

Your health first, Dallas.

“Okay, I’m going,” I said to my subconscious ranting in my head. I quickly made it to the right floor and saw the room was packed with pregnancy. I caught the eye of a woman who looked like she was having triplets and saw the devastation in her face. I said a silent prayer of thank you and walked to the receptionist.

“Dallas Whitaker checking in for my one-thirty.”

I filled out the paperwork, handed it over, then took a seat for the full thirty seconds they made me wait and quickly scrambled to my feet when my name was called. I scanned the tiny room they placed me in and was met by my new doctor as he opened the door reading what I assumed was my chart and looked up. I blinked and so did he as we both froze in place.

No fucking way.

“Dallas.”

The room shrank by half its size and I was suddenly in need of air. There was no air. A thousand emotions ran through me as I pushed out my usual greeting.

“Dean! Dean Martin!” I laughed as I threw my arms around him. He chuckled at my usual poking at his name.

“Dally.” He lifted me off the floor in a long hug then stood back, taking in my appearance. “How long has it been?”

“Seven years, and there is no way you are looking at my vagina. I need to be reassigned.” I laughed through my request, as did he.

“I have seen it all, baby.” He took his stethoscope off his neck and arrogantly circled it through the air like a lasso.

“Very funny. Last time I checked, you were getting married,” I said randomly.

My mini me took a gun out and shot me.

That seemed to sober him completely. “Yeah.” He lifted an eyebrow at me and I quickly soaked him in. He had on a black three-piece suit and a blood red tie underneath his jacket. He was a full foot taller than I was and had the most ridiculous set of perfect white teeth that shone in contrast with his naturally olive skin and crystal blue eyes. His black hair was combed back, not a hair out of place, and I could see he was perfectly fit.

Oh God.

I couldn’t shake the images of our past flooding my brain as his smell invaded my senses. We stood stunned for a moment until I broke the silence.

“Seriously, Dean, is there someone else? This is too weird even for us professionals.”

“Yeah, I will go get Margaret. She’s great. So you are here at Dallas Memorial?”

“Yep, just started my second year. Rose is almost done and she is going to start a surgical program while I start our practice. I can’t believe this. Why haven’t I seen you?”

“I just moved back from New York last month and started this week. Hey, congrats on the baby. Who is the lucky guy?”

“I’m not pregnant,” I told him quickly and could see his exhale. “Though from the looks of the waiting room, you will be a very busy man,” I joked, absently straightening the thin disposable table cover as I avoided his gaze. His eyes were covering me and I couldn’t help the slight tremble that started at the weight of his stare. The initial excitement of seeing him for the first time in so long was over now and I couldn’t stop replaying the memory of the last time we had seen each other. I looked up, noting my bravery for doing so was stupid. It seemed he was thinking the same.

“Let me take you out tonight, to eat?”

“I’m really tired, Dean. How about a rain check?” I said, making a lame excuse, anything to get myself together before we were forced to make more small talk.

“Sure, it’s so good to see you, and you will be a wonderful mother someday.” I felt the change in the air as we stared at each other. I felt both the familiarity and the distance between us. It was odd and uncomfortable and yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I felt a stir from a place I had long ago forgotten and cleared my throat quickly to keep myself from entertaining it.

“How about you? Any kids?” I asked, desperately trying to draw in air as slowly and inaudibly as I could. He reluctantly let go of our connection, his perfect full lips turning up at the corners in a knowing smirk.

“None, are you kidding? I am not falling for this crap.” His eyes twinkled with his chuckle. I grabbed the plastic pillow from the exam table then threw it at him.

“It’s so good to see you, Dally,” he whispered as he closed the small amount of distance between us and kissed my cheek, pulling back an inch away from my mouth. I stood stunned at his proximity. He traced my jaw line with his thumbs and pecked my lips softly. I jumped at his kiss and he quickly came to, seeming to catch himself.

“Sorry, horrible bedside manner. I do it with all my patients.” His joke fell on deaf ears. He noticed my demeanor had changed and quickly spoke up.

“I will go get Margaret, but I can stick around to make sure she is thorough,” he joked.

Still unable to shake his soft kiss, I looked up at him, but couldn’t utter a word. Dean knew every look I had. He had touched every inch of my body. He was so familiar and yet so much time had passed. I knew nothing about his life now. He was engaged, though his kiss tried to deem that fact unimportant. I felt the burn in my throat as I made a joke to keep things light.

“Yeah, why not? Bring in the other doctors too and a bucket with butter.”

“Still a sarcastic, sassy spitfire, huh, Dallas?”

“Still just the way you like me, Dean,” I said without thinking through my words.

His eyes flashed with recognition as he swiped his tongue over his full bottom lip. “See you in a bit, Dally.”

I quickly realized I was clutching my chest with both of my hands as I stared at the closed door. Of all the damn OBs offices in all of the great state of Texas, he and his perfect hair had to come waltzing into mine. I groaned as I buried my head in my hands. Engaged. He was engaged.

And I had Josh.

So why did his absence from the room already make me feel cold? He had been a closed chapter in my book since I had heard the news from his old frat brother Rob that he was engaged to another doctor in New York. I never thought I would see him again. To me, Dean was off in some foreign land, never to return.

Why had he come back?

It sure as hell wasn’t for me.

I lay back on the table as all thumbs Margaret poked around my pelvis.

“You’re a doctor. I’m guessing first year?”

“Second,” I said, baffled at the conversation. I in no way wanted to talk while she was staring at my nether region.

“So you are here for more birth control and a possible bladder infection?”

“Yes, I had a scare yesterday and I want to take away the possibility. I have no time for that,” I stated simply. Not to mention the thought of carrying a child terrified me to no end. I wasn’t equipped.

“I can tell you right now, this isn’t looking pretty. You know as well as I do that we are so busy looking at others’ symptoms to notice our own most of the time. It’s time to shorten your work days, reduce your case load and stress and keep up with what weekday it is or your career won’t last long.”

I nodded though she couldn’t see me. It really was time to make my health a priority.

Margaret was older and graying, and wore huge black rimmed glasses. She was chubby with a sweet smile, and I immediately decided to keep her as my OB. She continued to make small talk as I kept my inner grunts inside and answered her uncomfortably with thoughts of Dean whirling around in my head.

I had only spent a year being Dean’s significant other. That year had changed everything between us. The last time we saw each other had completely ruined us. It was seven years too late for an apology. I knew he was thinking the same thing when he looked at me earlier. Seven years and so much had changed.

When I had my prescription and another firm lecture from Margaret to take it easy in the bedroom and take time to heal, I gathered my purse and jacket from reception as Dean rounded the corner, stealing my breath. I saw the receptionist eye him and shook my head in amusement. The man was a walking magnet for any female in a ten mile radius. He was simply the most beautiful man on the planet. His confidence was unbeatable and charisma oozed from every pore in his body. He was a ladies man and always had been.

“Dinner tomorrow, Dallas?” Dean offered again as I put my jacket on.

I paused only for a second before nodding. “Let’s do it. I’m on floor six. Pick me up at eight?” I saw Margaret’s lips twitch with a smile as she walked past us. “See you soon, Dallas,” she offered in goodbye.

“Thank you, Margaret,” I replied, turning back to Dean whose stare was on my lips. I stood stunned as he kept his gaze there through his next question.

“Are you working under Pierce? I heard he is the worst,” he finished, flicking his eyes to mine. I recognized what I used to know as heat.

“I can handle him just fine,” I said confidently, though I was anything but. I felt the burn build in my stomach and start to spread throughout my lower half. I licked my lips as Dean briefly closed his eyes.

“Ugh hmm,” the receptionist interrupted. “Dr. Martin, your two-thirty is in room four,” she said sweetly.

“Thank you ...” he trailed off and quickly recovered as they both said the name in unison, “Maggie.” I saw her visibly blush in embarrassment at his failure to remember her name and couldn’t help the smile that gathered on my lips.

“I’m sure you can handle him just fine, Dally. See you tomorrow.” He gave me a smile and walked out the door, leaving me there thinking about him.

I left the room with memories I had pushed away for years clouding my mind, and a rapidly beating heart.

Dean

Then

The first time I saw Dallas Whitaker I was lounging against my lockers listening to Jon Reiner comment on every passing pair of tits and ass. I had to agree with him on a few but kept it to myself. I prided myself on that. It was a gentlemen’s view, and I wanted to be just that, a gentlemen. I wasn’t the kiss and tell kind of guy, and I could already tell Reiner and I wouldn’t see eye to eye on that. He was more than vocal as he taunted half the girls around us.

“Hot damn,” he crooned after a great set of legs as she looked at him, clearly irritated. Her attention turned to me and I smiled. The invitation was instant with her come-hither smile back. I laughed as Reiner followed her, briefly arguing his case. When I averted my eyes, I caught sight of her. I took in her long, dark brown hair and beautiful features and felt my entire body jolt. She was young, too young, but what I noticed most were her striking eyes. They were a pale green and seemed to sparkle as she noticed me, absently digging in her purse. Once she saw my attention was solely on her, she looked away.

That was a first.

When she finally looked at me again, I saw something else in her eyes. She seemed more confident than the girl who had just shied away from me. I stood curious as she approached. She was just about to address me when I saw her stiffen with Reiner’s swaying attention.

“Dallas, give me some sugar!” She half-masked her smile for Reiner as she scolded him, slapping his hands away as he pawed her.

“Get your hands off of me, Reiner! We went out once and it was a disaster. Stop molesting me in the halls!”

“Awwwe, Dallas it was not a disaster,” he reasoned as she fought his busy hands from around her waist.

Her eyes were glued to me for a brief second before she turned to him with malice. “You got drunk and threw up on me, idiot!”

I laughed at their banter, watching her without being noticed. She was completely animated as she put Reiner in his place. I could tell beneath her menace that she genuinely liked him. They had history. It was easy to tell. She also had a smart mouth on her that was for sure. I took in her perfectly glossed pink lips and the way she held herself with such confidence, and I instantly wanted to know her.

“Dallas, give me another chance,” Reiner begged.

“Nope, it’s a one shot deal,” she scoffed, shooting him down. She turned her beautiful green gaze back to me and I felt my heart rate pick up. She scrutinized me with her stare and I had to stifle a laugh. Who the hell did this girl think she was?

“Who are you?” she asked, demanding an answer.

I lifted my brow and peered down at her with a smirk before giving it to her. “Dean, Dean Martin. I just transferred.”

“Dean Martin,” she said with a snort, “sing us a tune.”

I shook my head with mild irritation. “Yeah, no one has ever used that line on me,” I replied, clearly unimpressed as I ripped my eyes from her to grab my history book from my locker. The truth was, I wanted to look at her, but for some reason it hurt. She was just a kid, not really a young woman yet. She was, however, absolutely beautiful and she didn’t know it. I loved that fact.

“Sorry,” she said sincerely, her confidence slipping slightly as she weighed my reaction. I felt a tug in my chest for her then. I could tell in that moment that she really wanted me to like her.

“Forgiven, and your name is Dallas. That’s pretty cool,” I said, closing my locker.

Long eyelashes, prominent nose and perfect lips...Damn, Reiner had it right with this one.

“I guess,” she said, glancing down at my history book before her jade eyes shot up to mine. The shyness was back and I was getting whiplash from the mixed signals.

“Martin?” She looked at my jet-black hair and olive skin with a question in her eyes.

“My mother is from Spain,” I said with a smirk. This girl was anything but subtle.

“Hmmm,” she mused, scanning my dress skeptically.

I had always made it a point to dress impeccably, just like my father. It was one of the things I had admired most about him. Dallas seemed to be amused by it. “Are you going to church later? A funeral, maybe?”

“Don’t even think about it, Martin. She’s mine!” Reiner interrupted as he scooped her up over his shoulder and began to walk away as Dallas protested, raising total hell and punching at his back repeatedly. I had no choice but to just laugh and wave.

Dallas the spitfire. God, I loved that.

Later that day, I was talking pretty heatedly with another senior whose name escaped me when I spotted her again. Reiner had briefed us all after track and laid his claim. ‘Dallas Whitaker was a freshman. His freshman.’ Fifteen and she already had the attention of the most notorious playboy in school, and the confidence of a courtroom prosecutor. I quickly left my conversation with...um—okay, I couldn’t remember her name—to catch up with Dallas. She froze in place as I approached and I didn’t mask my smile. Reiner may have already lost this battle. I knew it was arrogant of me to think Dallas was so easily swayed, but if I was weighing in on reaction alone, I would have to say she was as drawn to me as I was to her. I had no intention of stepping on his toes, anyway. I just wanted to know her.

“You are making a rep for yourself already. Especially if you get with Tina Walker. Watch out,” she said dryly, obviously unimpressed with my choice of company.

“I don’t worry about shit like that,” I retorted quickly. “Never have.”

Her grin was unmistakable and I answered it with my own. “No?” she said breathily, eyeing me. “No plans to run for prom king?” Her smile slowly faltered as I took a step forward. She was standing next to a snack machine and took a step back, cornering herself.

“No,” I said, getting as close as possible without scaring her. “Only two things interest me in this school: you and track.” Her eyes widened as I confessed to her, and I heard her expel a long breath.

“Me?” she squeaked innocently.

“Yeah, you are going to be my best friend,” I said, taking a step back only to watch her face fall.

I was an asshole, but now I knew.

I was surprised with her aggressive step forward as she readjusted her backpack on her shoulder. “And what makes you think I’ll go along with this?”

“I’ll make it easy on you, Dallas, I promise.” I murmured, lifting her backpack off her shoulder and pulling it onto mine. Right at that moment, Tina Walker passed by and shot Dallas daggers with her eyes and then turned her attention to me and smiled sweetly.

Hell no. Stay away from that one.

Dallas ignored her gracefully and right then I knew I had made the right decision. I smiled down at her while she watched me with curiosity.

“Where are we off to?”

“Debate,” she piped warily.

“Isn’t that an advanced course?” I asked, curious.

“Yeah,” she answered, slightly embarrassed. I chuckled. She straightened her shoulders, a sign of clear pride in her posture. “I have yet to lose.”

Of course, Dallas Whitaker, honor student and queen of debate. Lord help me, this girl was fire.

I kept my promise and made it easy on her, however what I didn’t count on was the hard luck I had created for myself. We were inseparable at first, and I couldn’t for the life of me get away from her. Her smile and her voice were both addicting. I kept her at arm’s length, while every word she spoke, every little mannerism drew me to her. Like the way she drank her sweet tea, taking a sip and a piece of ice before slurping and chomping them down in equal measure. Or her filthy habit of chewing on every single pen lid until it was an unrecognizable mess. Or the way she paused right before she began to laugh really hard, as if the laughter wouldn’t come until she had built it up to the point it burst out of her. I actually adored these things while it might drive some people crazy.

I tried to ignore how much she appealed to the guy in me. I tried so hard, but every time she looked up through those long thick lashes, I found it just a bit harder to breathe. Every time she walked toward me each morning at school and left the stares of the guys who eyed her unanswered, I tried to hide the pride that swelled inside me.

She was only fifteen, and I was about to turn eighteen.

I could not fall for this girl. It was my new daily mantra.

I COULD NOT FALL FOR THIS GIRL.

So I tried my best not to. I went on several dates a month, a few ending in a gratifying way to elude thoughts of Dallas. She was simply too young. I had plans. I was off to Austin in the fall. It was all I ever wanted. Austin led to New York and with it Columbia University. I would become a doctor and this small town life that never suited me would be a memory.

I hated small towns. We had just moved from inner city Dallas. Moving to the outskirts had been my mother’s idea. She wanted out of the chaos. I simply wanted back in. I found quiet in the noise and excelled under pressure. It was sure to help me once I reached Columbia.

My mother informed me this move would be good for me, help tame me a bit. I never got into trouble, but I think she knew how involved I was with the seduction of the opposite sex. Why she thought there was a shortage of girls in this school was beyond me. As far as I saw, it was clear and easy pickings and their virtue was the same. Maybe it was Dallas’s innocence that drew me in. But I knew better. Even at seventeen with my hormones raging and an endless supply of female attention, she was special to me.

I didn’t care to know the girls I was dating, but I did want to know Dallas...indefinitely. She fascinated me by being the polar opposite of the girls I found myself taking out on Friday nights. She was book smart, sarcastic, and full of pride. She was far more mature than any girl I had dated. There was just something about her and it was becoming easier to pin point as I spent time with her. After a few weeks of knowing her, she had declared to me that she too would be a doctor. The funny thing was, when she said it, I believed it. When I said it, I always felt like I was on shaky ground.

“What are you thinking about?” Dallas asked, making a meal out of her pen cap as she watched me closely, propped up in her bed Indian style with an open book.

I was jealous of that pen cap.

Ignoring her question, I looked around her room and saw that she had no boy band posters. In fact, she had nothing of the sort. It looked like the room of a mad scientist, not a fifteen-year-old girl. Her walls were filled with colorful abstract shots of water. The rest of the room was filled with mostly science books. I pressed my brows together in confusion.

“Water is the universal solvent,” she said quickly as I stared closely at one of the water photos. “It washes away everything, all impurities. It’s magical.”

“Hmm, interesting,” I said, pretending to push up glasses on my nose that didn’t exist.

“Shut up. It really is cool what water can do,” she defended. She went into minor detail about the magic of water, ending in an impressive spiel about the psychological effects as well. I was slightly intimidated so naturally I made a joke about it.

“You are really weird, you know that?” I said, half-kidding as she pulled the pen from her mouth.

The bedroom door suddenly flew open and a kid no more than ten or twelve burst through. She had fiery red hair and the same green eyes as Dallas.

“She is a total weirdo! My dad says she gets it from my mom.”

“Rose Whitaker, get out of this room right now!” Dallas fired at her little sister. Rose, ignoring her completely, looked at me with curiosity. I winked at her as her cheeks reddened and she approached me with caution.

“So, you are Dean. Do you have any brothers?” I laughed loudly as I looked over at Dallas who was glaring at her sister.

“No, I’m an only child.”

Rose’s eyes widened. “I wish I were, too,” she said, shooting a mock filled look at Dallas. “Anyway, you are a little old for me, but you’ll do.”

“Rose!” Dallas said, closing her book and standing up, ready to physically remove her sister from the room.

“Dallas,” I reasoned, amused as Rose took a seat next to me, laying down the rules. “No kissing. I’m not that type of girl,” she squeaked as she eyed me blatantly, egging her sister on. Dallas groaned and Rose winked back at me secretly. I knew she wasn’t a kid with a crush. She was a kid with an agenda whose sole purpose was to irritate her sister. I liked her right away.

“Oh, my gawd,” Dallas muttered, burying her head in her hands. I stifled my laugh as I entertained Rose and watched Dallas. It was clear her ploy was working. Dallas finally put her foot down, throwing one after the other of what had to be a dozen pillows on her bed and Rose flew out the door, looking back at me with a ‘Thank you.’

I chuckled as I watched her go. “She is something else,” I said, looking back at Dallas who had shut her door and now sat next to me with kaleidoscope eyes. She leaned in close to me and whispered, “So am I weird in a good way or a bad way?” She was flirting, or what I assumed was her way of flirting.

It had been three months since we had started hanging out and today was the day she decided to be brave.

No, Dallas. Oh, shit.

I froze, gripping the edge of her bed, wondering when her father would burst through the door with some lame excuse. He seemed nice enough when I met him, but at the end of his kind greeting there was a sort of warning in his eyes. I knew that look well and I had ignored it for years with other fathers.

Not this time.

I wasn’t sure if I was feeling it more out of fear or my own resolve. She was wearing a turtleneck sweater surrounded by a sea of pillows she claimed were a necessary comfort. That was about as safe as she could get. I laughed a little as Dallas leaned in further, clearly not having a clue what she was doing. She took offense, her face falling, and I immediately felt bad. I entertained the idea of being her first kiss, and then had the sinking feeling I may not be.

A sharp knock on her door made us both jump.

“Dinner in ten, angel,” her father barked.

“Okay, Daddy,” she said hurriedly, staring straight at me. Her cheeks were slightly flushed from embarrassment. I sat stunned at her beauty. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of her as an older woman and it would take my breath away.

Kind of like at that moment. I had to get out of there.

“Dallas, I need to go,” I said, standing up.

“You won’t stay for dinner?” she asked, completely deflated.

Dean, you are such an asshole.

“I can’t, see you later okay?” I excused myself, cramming my books in my backpack, furious with myself. Who studied like this anymore, anyway? I had carelessly agreed to come to her home, meeting her family, and being alone with her where she slept. I hadn’t thought it would be hard to stare into those sea glass green eyes or admire her perfect, pink pouty lips.

I was in my own personal Lolita hell. How had I gotten here?

Dallas

Now

I walked into Josh’s apartment, the smell of his cooking invading my senses. He was one of the finest chefs in Dallas and was constantly in his kitchen honing his craft. I rounded the counter to watch him work and saw him smile though he didn’t turn his head in my direction as he kept himself busy with his task.

“Baby, if I look at you, I’ll have you naked and burn dinner. Just do us both a favor and pour some wine.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Not a chance of getting me naked anytime soon. You gave me dirty dick disease,” I said in a huff, uncorking a bottle of red we had shared a few nights previous. He quirked an eyebrow as he looked at me and I gave him the stink eye as I poured us each a glass before taking a sip of mine.

“Okay, my curiosity is piqued,” he said, chuckling as he took a glass from me walking quickly back to the stove.

“A bladder infection, so your penis and I are now at odds,” I stated, taking a long sip of wine in celebration that I still had my freedom.

“Sorry, babe,” he said, eyeing me as he circled his pot with a spoon, carefully folding cheese into his sauce.

“I’ll let you make it up to me with chocolate mousse,” I said in a bratty tone, taking in more wine with a moan.

“Already chilling in the fridge,” he said, smiling at me. I watched him cook a late meal for the two of us and admired his gorgeous body and the way he glided across the kitchen with expert skill. I should want to move in with him. Josh had been nothing but good to me in our time together. We laughed a lot, had good sex. We were exactly what a budding couple should be. I slumped in my chair, thinking of the wind that had come and knocked the breath out of me today making Josh seem like...less.

“I’m having dinner with an old college friend tomorrow,” I said plainly.

“Damn, it’s my mother’s birthday and I was just about to ask you if you wanted to join us for dinner,” he said, pulling some fresh pasta dripping with sauce out of the pot with his thumb and pointer then bringing it toward me to taste. I opened wide as he curled the noodle into my mouth and I moaned at the taste. He leaned in, finishing the taste test with a long slow kiss on my lips.

“It’s so good,” I said, smiling a thank you.

“Yes, it is,” he said, not referring to the pasta. I shook my head with a smile as he continued to cook another amazing meal for the two of us.

Josh.

Dean turned up the next night precisely at eight and was chatting with a nurse on my service as I sauntered up in my sexiest dress.

“Still up to the same tricks I see, old dog?” I poked.

He laughed at my comment then stopped smiling as he took in my appearance. His eyes quickly diverted to the black dress and super high stiletto heels I had purchased that morning before my shift. I was hoping he couldn’t see the tiny cushions under my eyes. Other than a rough day and little sleep, I was all too happy to see him. He gave me a thorough once over and waved goodbye to the attentive blonde who was now pouting that I had all of his attention. I gave her a wink that seemed to anger her and fully revealed a toothy grin as we walked away. His appearance screamed sex. And his sex...well, I still hadn’t met his match. I shivered a little as I recalled the year we had spent tangled in each other.

He guided me with a hand on the small of my back toward his Jaguar and I took notice that he was typically impeccably dressed in a three-piece. He had always been well dressed. While I found it odd at first, it did little to keep me away. To me it was way more alluring than the jean wearing, sandal sporting guys I was used to dating. I felt a pang of guilt as I thought of Josh at home, thinking that I was probably with an old girlfriend.

He’s engaged and you are committed to Josh. This is dinner. Oh and Dean’s a lying bastard.

He opened the car door for me. “Let’s go somewhere quiet where we can talk.”

“Sounds good,” I replied, completely uncomfortable in my own skin with thoughts of Josh and the guilt I felt.

I shouldn’t have worn this dress.

“You look beautiful, Dallas,” Dean said, making himself comfortable to drive.

“Thanks, so do you. Where is your fiancée tonight?” I asked in an attempt to feel a little better about being out with another man.

“Not here,” he answered quickly. He started the car and turned to me, a smile playing on his lips. “I dug this out of thin air and thought you might like it.”

I heard the music start to play and laughed out loud. It was Dean Martin’s greatest hits. I had given it to him as a birthday present in college. He forced me to listen to it every time we were together.

“Ain’t that a kick in the head,” I sang along as he pulled up to Chantilly and I laughed at his choice of restaurants. We were definitely going old school tonight. It was the location of the first date of my parents and was a Dallas landmark, having been open for over forty-five years. We walked inside and I quickly surveyed to see if my parents table was available. I requested it on sight immediately and reveled in the fact that it was ours. My parents had taken Rose and me here a few times when we were kids when they were unable to find a sitter on special anniversaries. We were usually grounded by the time we left and they would swear never to take us again.

“My parents had their first date right here at this table,” I remarked as we took our seats.

“Really?” he asked with a smile. “How are they?” The hostess seating us completely covered Dean in her stare. It was so blatant that I almost felt uncomfortable for him. He simply gave her a wink as he turned his attention to me.

“Terrific. We should have dinner with them soon. They always loved you. You can bring your fiancée,” I added, reminding myself that this was a dinner date between old friends. But we weren’t friends. We hadn’t spoken in years. Our relationship ended in heartbreak. Morbid curiosity is what made me decide to dine with Dean tonight.

I saw him visibly cringe at the mention of his fiancée then recover. “Sounds good to me. How is Rose?”

“She’s perfect. She is on her last semester of school and is kicking ass. She is going for a surgical fellowship. I am so proud of her.”

“And you are still going to open your own practice?” he asked as he glanced at the drink menu.

“Yep, everything is falling into place. Three years and it will be a reality,” I said excitedly as we were greeted by our waitress.

“That’s incredible, really. You are doing it.”

“Yeah, we are,” I boasted, the ghosts of our pasts lingering in the air along with a deafening silence that kept us mute. When it became uncomfortable, I could feel his next question coming.

“So are you dating?” His beautiful, ice blue eyes drifted from his menu to meet mine, rendering me momentarily speechless. I nodded in reply.

“Anyone I know?” His question was intrusive and he recognized it as well as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Josh is a chef. One of Dallas’s best,” I announced proudly. “We’ve been dating a year. You’d like him.”

“Nice, well at least he’s not a bum,” he said with a shrug. I gave him an odd look and tilted my head at his remark. Surely, after seven years and a fiancée later this man was not jealous. “You expected me to be with a bum, Dean?”

“Dallas, I never expect anything from you. You are too unpredictable,” he remarked, looking for our waitress and gesturing for her.

“I was never unpredictable, and I was nineteen,” I said, taking a long sip of wine.

He chuckled as he watched me. “Then you were twenty. Don’t forget that I know you. I bet you are still an unbelievably cocky pain in the ass, Dallas Whitaker.”

“You knew me,” I retorted, finding that same lack of air that had tortured me a day earlier. Dean paused, and for a brief moment, I saw something in his eyes before it vanished.

“So OB, that’s an interesting field,” I added, trying to change the subject. Though we had history, I was trying my best not to reminisce. We had parted under the worst of circumstances and I definitely didn’t want to rehash that tonight. “Do you enjoy it?”

“Never a dull moment,” he said, catching my eyes briefly.

“Hmmm, well you always were passionate about the needs of women,” I paused with a smirk to watch him stiffen in his seat. “So tell me about your fiancée. What’s her name?”

“She is a cocky pain in the ass.” He chuckled as he gave the waitress our drink order. It thrilled me that he remembered and ordered my favorite wine.

“So she is just your type. What’s her name?”

“Helena,” he said quickly, re-situating the napkin on his lap. It was clear he didn’t want to discuss her.

Tough shit.

“Is she a doctor, too?”

“Yes, she is,” he answered curtly. I watched him shift his gaze to the window next to us as he stared at the people on the street passing by.

“Did you meet her at Columbia?” I questioned, taking another sip of wine.

“Dallas, what’s with the questions?”

“Just curious,” I said, sinking in my seat, an old pain in my chest moving to the surface. “So did you?”

“Yes, my first year.” My eyes snapped to his as I swallowed the lump in my throat. He didn’t miss my calculation.

“I’m just trying to get to know you again. I’m also curious about the woman who tamed the infamous Dean Martin. Definitely a first.”

“She wasn’t the first,” he whispered, almost inaudibly.

I ignored his remark with more sarcasm. “Was she aware the merchandise had been previously used by half of Texas and the eastern seaboard?”

“I wasn’t that bad,” he said, crossing his arms with a smirk.

I just gave him my best ‘you’re full of shit’ by eye.

I took a sip of my wine, finishing my glass, and pointed to my order on the menu, catching him eyeing me through his tumbler of scotch.

“You’re a beautiful woman, Dallas.”

I choked slightly on my mouth full of fermented grape and thanked him as I recovered.

“You are...so damn beautiful,” he said more to himself than me. I stared at him, unable to keep my chest from rising and falling rapidly. My thighs clenched with the way he looked at me, like he wanted to take me right there. I couldn’t stop staring back. Everything I had dreamt about for the last seven years was sitting across from me at the table, looking at me as if he was thirsty and I was the very last drink of water.

You hate him.

“Stop it,” I said dismissively as our plates were put in front of us. I finished my steak at neck breaking speed and watched him scoff at my blatant disregard for the proper fork and the art of chewing.

“I remember Rose eating like this, but you?”

“Yeah, yeah.” I ignored him as I devoured the rest of my plate and ordered a huge piece of seductive chocolate cake for dessert. We made small talk, mostly leading to dead ends. I fumbled with a few words under his gaze as I caught it throughout the meal. Dean’s eyes were a clear blue. Much like Josh’s, they had an effect on me. Yet Dean’s did things far worse to me. After a few years apart from Dean, I was almost sure I had romanticized so much about our past; staring at him now across the table, I knew I had not imagined a thing. And he was no longer living in a foreign land I could never reach. He was within my grasp and looking at me like he used to. I was sure I was doing the same.

He was engaged, and, oh, Dallas, he tore your fucking heart out.

“Dean, this was wonderful, thank you. You can drop me off at my car.”

“Ready for bed?” His gaze was hot on mine as he took in my neck and bare shoulders.

“Still a smooth talker.” I winked. “I’m sure the three of us would be a little uncomfortable in your bed. You know, you, me, Helena—” I held my tongue as his stare grew a little colder.

His expression didn’t waver and I felt myself sinking in my seat.

“I’d have to have you all to myself,” he said, his eyes lingering on my lips as I spoke.

“You have had me all to yourself,” I said as the heat in my lower half rose to an immeasurable temperature.

Oh God, this was a mistake, a huge mistake.

Things had gone from casual to dangerous again in a matter of seconds. I would never get used to this. To the way he made me feel. I drank in his sharp features, his chiseled chin, and perfect full lips. His paralyzing eyes were accented by dark black lashes and his smooth black hair made them stand out.

Was he always this gorgeous? Yes, God, yes he was.

I remembered the feel of his lips on mine, his tongue, and the weight of him as he took me—

“And then you dumped me,” he said, dragging the dead horse to the table. He had said it in a way where it could be construed as a joke, but I knew better.

Shit.

“I think your memory may be a little foggy. That really isn’t how it happened. Besides, you had it coming,” I said, trying to tread lightly. “You put me through hell in high school and made sure no one would date me.”

“That was just so Jon Reiner couldn’t pop your cherry.” I laughed at his absurd statement and he joined in.

I leaned in to whisper, “How could you get my cherry if you never dated it in high school?”

“I figured I had some time, but you turned into such a hoe.”

I laughed again and so did he.

“One guy. I slept with one guy in high school. Let it go. God, you are such a hypocrite, and if it makes you feel any better, Reiner was a disaster.”

I looked at the man across from me, replaying the night I had boldly put the moves on him at his frat party. It had been incredible. All those years of pent up sexual frustration unraveled around us as we explored each other, repeatedly. I had replayed that night over and over in my head throughout the years. That night had changed everything.

I looked at Dean now across from me at Chantilly and saw a sadness I hadn’t noticed until now.

I felt the guilt of what I had done to him that night hover over me. I realized long after our first time together I had been so concerned with my agenda to get him in bed that I didn’t even realize what he was trying to tell me. He thought I was special. I wondered if I would ever think that way about myself. Then again, he was the only man truly capable of making me feel that way.

And taking it away too easily.

Pain ripped through me as I recalled the day it stopped. Dean saw the memory surface on my face and started to speak when I stood to excuse myself for the restroom, and to my absolute horror, I saw Josh standing a few feet away. He had his arm around an older woman who I recognized as his mother. I quickly made my way over and hugged her in greeting, wishing her a happy birthday. Josh was far from civil as he spoke.

“An old friend, Jesus, Dallas,” he whispered harshly and only for me.

“Josh it’s not like that, not at all. Please come outside with me.”

“Dallas, how are you?” His mother, clearly embarrassed by hearing our unpleasant word exchange, did her best to make conversation. “I’m fine, Mrs. Stephenson,” I piped in happily. “It’s so good to see you. Happy birthday.”

“What the hell is going on?” he hissed as Mrs. Stephenson was whisked away by the hostess. I glanced over my shoulder to see Dean behind me. “Dean, this is Josh. Josh, this is Dean. I ran into him yesterday at my OB. We went to college together.” They shook hands and I begged Dean with my eyes to give us a minute, and he quickly conceded. He walked over to the table, laying his card down, waiting on the server to pick it up and check us out.

Josh eyed Dean then quickly turned to glare at me. “I really don’t care how good of friends you are, that dress is not for a friendly dinner, Dallas.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I just...it was a bad call. I’m under a lot of stress lately and you don’t want to hear about work—”

He roughly grabbed my arm and led me outside. Once we were far enough away, he tore into me.

“So you dress like a total whore and go on a date with an old boyfriend who wanted to pop your cherry! My mother heard that disgusting shit!”

“Oh, God.” I wanted a blanket, no a tarp, no a nun’s habit. I was thoroughly ashamed and hated myself.

“Whore, it’s all I can think about looking at you right now and I don’t want to say it again.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. I haven’t done anything wrong!” I felt my cheeks grow hot as he berated me in front of the valet.

“Then don’t act like one,” he hissed as his gaze covered my body possessively.

“I’m sorry, all right, but you’re overreacting,” I reasoned.

“I saw the way he was looking at you, Dallas. How fucking stupid do you think I am? Now I have to go to explain to my mother why my girlfriend is out in a fuck me dress with another man!”

“Watch your mouth,” I snapped, ready to stand my ground.

“Really, and I suppose you are the voice for the morally sound, Dallas?”

“That’s enough! I swear to you, you keep talking to me like that you will be in for a fight! Who the hell do you think you—”

“I’m jealous!” he admitted, raking his hands through his hair. He looked at me in defeat, and I felt tears threaten. “God, I’m sorry, Dallas. You look so fucking beautiful. I really can’t take this!” He looked over my shoulder and nodded. “Enjoy your date.”

“It’s not like that, Josh!”

“It’s exactly like that, Dallas,” he snapped, turning abruptly and leaving me as Dean approached.

“Sorry, that was...unexpected,” I offered as he looked behind him at a retreating Josh. “This does look rather suspicious,” I said, looking down at my filthy fucking dress. I would burn it. I was guilty for more reasons than one: the way I was dressed, and the fact that a few minutes ago I had been replaying one of the most amazing sexual experiences of my life with Dean.

“That’s what you do to men, Dallas,” he chuckled.

“Thanks for siding with him. It’s been years, Dean. You don’t know me anymore!”

“I just remember how badly it hurt when you threw me in the garbage,” he remarked, unlocking his car.

“I most certainly did not!” I huffed, refusing to let him get my door for me.

“Yes, you did.” He started the car and we made it back to the hospital garage within a few minutes. He walked me to my car door, though I told him it wasn’t necessary.

“Welcome home, Dean.”

He didn’t say a word as I stood facing him, my back to my door. He grabbed my hand after a moment then kissed the back of it. The years melted away one by one as we watched each other. We were on dangerous ground. The pull was impossible and if I stood staring into his crystal depths much longer, I wouldn’t be able to resist him.

“Maybe I don’t know you anymore, but I knew you Dallas and I made damn sure you knew me.” He leaned in close, leaving me breathless at his scent alone. He smelled like a mix of wood and sea and it consumed my senses. In an inescapable fog, he inched closer, and I was in sensory overload with the bright blue of his eyes beckoning me like they always had. I whimpered and wet my lips as his came closer and—He was engaged. Engaged. Engaged!

“Engaged!” We both jumped at the sound of my voice, breaking our daze.

He didn’t say a word as I opened my car door. I sat in my seat fuming, mad at myself and at him. “I’m with Josh and you are getting married. Go home, Dean.”

I shut my door then started my car. He stood near my door briefly, brought his hand up, pressed two fingers to his lips and then to the glass on my door before he turned and walked away. The recognition of that gesture had my chest burning in seconds.

I watched him drive away and sank in my seat as more memories of Dean came flooding back. I thought I had closed that door, sealed it, and he had blown it all to hell in a matter of days.

“Did you meet her at Columbia?”

“Yes, my first year.”

For years, I had waited for the answer to that question. I hated my answer.

I had to stay away from him, especially if he was inclined to make our past more present. I had come too far, gone through far too much when it came to him. I was a fool to think I could play civil when my heart had waged war on him so long ago.

I couldn’t believe he had almost just kissed me. I also couldn’t believe how bad I wished I had let him. What the hell was he thinking? And what did he really think of me to try something like that? How the hell could I possibly entertain him after what happened? I needed a man with a solid foundation, preferably without Helena, and who hadn’t torn my heart to shreds.

Dean was a liar.

I needed someone more like...Josh.

You don’t love Josh, Dallas.

But I did love him, maybe not in the way that felt like forever, but in a way that was far healthier than what I had experienced when I thought I had had that forever kind of love.

Josh was exactly the type of man I needed.

I was hit again with the look on his face when he saw me with Dean. I would have been equally just as hurt if the tables were turned.

I dialed his number, knowing he wouldn’t answer, and left him a message.

“Josh, you were right about tonight. Please forgive me and know I’m sorry.” I had never been good at anything personal in my life. He deserved so much more than the hurt I had just put him through. I had never given him any reason to not trust me...until now. He deserved better than me and the small piece of my heart that I had given him.

The only part left that Dean didn’t own, and he was doing a damn good job of trying to claim it. Only one thought raced through my head as I drove home: I had to stay the hell away from Dean Martin.

DEAN

Then

“Get the lead out, Martin. You’re off by a full second!” Dallas roared at me as I pushed through the last quarter mile.

“Time,” she shouted as I crossed the finish, but not before handing my ass to me. “This won’t cut it Saturday.”

“Let’s see you do better, Whitaker,” I snapped, covered in Texas heat and gasping for breath.

“I didn’t sign up for this crap. If you are going to compete, do it to win,” she scolded, recording my time.

We were constantly at the track and she timed me and kept up with the best times of the runners I would compete against. Dallas fueled me, motivated me to push myself harder than I ever thought possible. She never cut me any slack and would often ride me harder on my off days, bringing out the angry Spaniard in me.

“Would it kill you to throw in an encouraging word once in a while or maybe a ‘Way to go, Martin’ when I’ve done well?” She ignored me as I went on. “Shouldn’t I be enjoying myself and in it for the sport?” I mused as I approached her. Her demeanor was all business as she looked over my time sheet for the last few meets.

“If you want a pep talk then go talk to your groupies. I’m here to make sure you smoke Derek Watson. Your time today was shit.”

“Jesus, you have a mouth on you,” I said, standing above her while she took it as a compliment and smiled up at me.

“You are the best, Dean, and you are the fastest. I’ve seen what you can do, even when you aren’t competing. Dean, you can win this one.”

“Only if I have you around to push me.”

“You don’t need me. You just need to know you can do it.”

“I do need you, Dallas. I absolutely fucking do.”

It was an acknowledgement I had refused to give her until that day. There was so much between us, too much, and even if I could not do anything about it, I could tell her how important she was to me. I could give her that.

“So you all set for the science fair?” She peered at me for a moment with those green eyes as if I was asking her a trick question.

“Yep, I think I have a good shot at winning.”

“Need any help?”

“From you? No,” she scoffed, as if the idea was ridiculous.

“Look, if you need help—”

“I’m fine, really.” Her cheeks flushed. She seemed embarrassed to be an academic, though it was a large part of who she was.

“Well, I don’t ever see you with any friends around. I mean, why aren’t you hanging out with other girls?”

She avoided my question completely and handed me my stopwatch.

“I’ve gotta go. My mom’s waiting.”

“Dallas, why—”

She turned on me with an eye roll. “Because they have motives, Dean, and it’s not to get to know me better, okay? I mean, it’s no big secret who my best friend is. I have you and the guys. I’m good.”

She was referring to my crew who had taken her in under strict guidelines to keep their fucking hands off. They all had a soft spot for her and looked out for her like I did.

“You want to do something for me, Martin?” she asked, turning to face me in front of her mother’s SUV her hands on her hips. “Teach me to drive.”

“Done.” I beamed at her as she lifted a brow, incredulous. “Seriously, I want to.”

“Sure you have time with your social calendar and all?”

“Think you can set down your beaker and escape your mad lab long enough?”

She gave me the smile that only Dallas could give that said everything in just a few precious seconds.

And in those seconds, I knew I was in love with her.

And for her I smoked Derek Watson.

It had all come to a head at my track meet finals. For the first time in a long time, I was looking forward to a date. There was a girl my age, newly eighteen, who seemed like the perfect candidate to get Dallas out of my head. My prospective date, Lindsey, was sitting in the stands. I waved to her, seeing Dallas a few rows over wave back at me. Lindsey was oblivious, but Dallas noticed her right away. And as usual, watching, Dallas’s face fall in recognition of my attention on another girl, I felt bad, as I should’ve for letting her get so close to me. Dallas had been to every single track meet, every single pep rally. She was by far the best friend I had ever had. I hadn’t made a mistake in making her my best friend. I had made a huge mistake in that I had fallen for her.

She was only fifteen!

It all came down to that. I couldn’t get past it and I wouldn’t. Most guys wouldn’t blink at the age difference, but I wasn’t most guys. She was untouched, that much I knew. It was settled. I caught Lindsey’s eyes and she smiled. I looked at Dallas, who was clearly hurt, and wiped my face with a towel.

What the fuck are you doing, Dean?

I’d noticed the subtle changes in Dallas’s dress, the skirts getting slightly shorter, she wore more makeup, more perfume. She was desperately trying to get my attention and God help me she had all of it. We had come a long way as friends in such little time and much more. I had dragged her on a few double dates to try to change the dynamic that was slowly building between us to keep things friendly and less intimate, but it wasn’t working. I missed her when she was not around, and I rarely paid much attention to my date, watching her date like a hawk, though I had handpicked and threatened every single one.

I had been to her home often and somehow became an integrated part of her family. I entertained Rose and had even become chummy with her older brother, Paul. She had met my parents on numerous occasions and had even lived through the scrutiny of my mother, who now adored her and threatened my life if I so much touched a hair on her head.

As hard as I had tried to keep our relationship a friendship, I had failed. She was now a part of me.

There was no going back, and that was becoming clear with each day. I had to do the right thing, even if it meant hurting her. Even if it hurt me.

I finished my meet and saw Dallas waiting at the bottom of the stands. I groaned when I took in her tiny shorts and snug shirt. I glanced at Lindsey, who had her hand up to her ear in a ‘call me’ gesture. I nodded and approached Dallas with caution.

“Hi.” She greeted me with a breathtaking smile.

God, you are beautiful.

“Hi,” I said back, hoping she couldn’t hear my inner musing.

“Good meet. I would congratulate you, but half the women here fainted when you took your shirt off. I think that’s enough of an ego boost for one day,” she joked. She lifted her hand as if to run fingers through my hair, but I stopped her quickly.

“Dallas, where are your clothes?” I snapped as I took a step back. She gaped at me, clearly shocked by her reception. I saw her embarrassment turn to anger as a few onlookers snickered at her discomfort.

“What the hell is your problem, Martin?” I knew the question didn’t just have to do with today. I had been returning less of her calls and spending a little less time with her. She was an extremely smart girl and if for one second I thought I could tell her I returned her feelings without the result being that she tried harder, I would.

I didn’t want to take that chance. I knew I would give in to the physical, even if the gentlemen I wanted to be couldn’t live with that. She already held a coveted place in my heart. She wouldn’t be just another girl.

Not to mention, it was totally fucking illegal. And those were the kind of charges that stuck, that stifle a medical career.

She was still looking at me when I realized I hadn’t answered her.

“Nothing, I don’t have a problem,” I barked back. “I just didn’t expect you to greet me in your underwear.”

She pushed past me in a huff, stomping off toward the parking lot.

“Dallas,” I called after her, apology clear in my voice.

“Bite me, Martin,” she said, pulling out her cell to text someone.

“You need a ride?” I said, quickly catching up with her. I grabbed her arm and turned her to face me and saw her eyes were shimmering with unshed tears.

I was the worst human alive.

“I’m sorry,” I said instantly. I had never seen Dallas’s resolve waver in the six months I had known her. The guilt I felt in that moment left a large lump in my throat. She looked at her flip-flops, refusing to meet my eyes. I grasped her chin and she took it away with a quick turn of her head. She took deep breaths to calm herself.

“I just won’t come anymore,” she whispered.

“No, Dallas, it’s not that,” I offered. But what the hell could I say? I needed her to stay away. I needed to get her out of my head.

“It’s fine.” She looked up as tears disbursed down her cheeks. “I am weird. I am. And you know that about me. No one else does. I thought we got along. I thought we—”

“You’re perfect,” I interrupted. Only a step closer and I would have her in my arms. I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “We do get along, Dallas,” I offered, fisting my hands in effort to keep from pulling her to me. She glared at me.

“No, you and girls like Lindsey do. I’m just...me.” She looked past me and I noticed her mother’s SUV pulling up. “Bye,” she rasped out, wiping her face before making quick strides to the truck and jumping in.

“Mom, don’t.” I heard her hiss her protest as the passenger window rolled down. Dallas sank in her seat, clearly embarrassed. I felt for her. My mother was just as intrusive.

“Hi, Dean,” she chimed. “Did he win?” she tried to ask Dallas discreetly. She sat with her arms crossed, giving her mother a murderous stare.

“I did,” I answered for her, leaning into Dallas’s window. She flinched as I inched near her and I shared a knowing smile with her mother, Laura. Dallas was anything but forgiving when she was mad.

“Thanks for coming, Dallas.” I kissed her cheek and waved at them as they drove off. I saw Dallas glance at me in the rearview. I smiled broadly and caught her reluctant smile.

My spitfire.

Sitting in my car in front of her house on prom night had tested my limits. I had wanted to ask her. In truth, all year I had only wanted her. I saw her bedroom light on as I sat in my tux, ready for a night I didn’t want to spend without her. I was supposed to pick up my date in twenty minutes but couldn’t tear myself away from staring at her window. I was leaving in two months and should have been relieved that I had kept my gentlemen’s vow. It wasn’t just physical. Dallas had a way of challenging me. Whether it was an argument about my time on the track, which she kept up with to the half second, or the definition of a blind spot when I taught her how to drive, she had a way of making me crazy and needing more of her at the same time. She was often successful in taunting the angry Spaniard in me. And more often than not, she brought out the best in me with the way she regarded me.

I had come so close to kissing her on her sixteenth birthday.

I knew she felt it because the pull was so damn strong it was undeniable. I had pulled away at the last second and she’d almost called me on it.

Looking up at her window and without thinking, I grabbed my date’s corsage and walked to her door. Her father answered with a smile and an arched brow.

“Dallas,” he called up the stairs, staring at me with amusement. She stopped at the top of the stairs, looking at me in confusion. I felt like a complete idiot. She slowly descended, looking between her father and me for answers.

“Hi,” she squeaked. She had on a Dallas Cowboys fitted tee and shorts. “I think I may be underdressed.”

Her father, Seth, gave me an inquisitive look before taking his leave. I silently thanked him.

Dallas led me onto the porch. “Dean, somewhere there is a girl in a prom dress waiting on you.”

“I know,” I fumbled out as she looked up at me for explanation. Somehow, with nervous hands, I managed to take the solid white Lilly out of the corsage box.

“I wanted you to have this.” She shook her head, looking up at me.

“Why?”

“Because.”

Way with words, Martin.

I slipped it on her wrist as she admired the flower. “Dean, it’s beautiful, really, but I can’t take another girls corsage. She picked up the packaging from the porch and slid the flower back in, handing it back to me.

“Girls daydream about this night, Dean. That poor girl waiting on you probably has a thousand scenarios of how this night will go. She’s probably checked her appearance a million times and is looking out her window waiting for your arrival.”

“I thought you were going with Reiner.”

“I changed my mind. I was kind of holding out for something better.” I didn’t miss it and she didn’t let me.

“Dallas—”

“Go, you’ll be late. You look...really good.” She walked inside and shut the door, turning off the porch light.

I cursed my damn gentlemen’s vow as I walked down her steps. What I thought was selflessness had turned into pure stupidity.

Prom was a complete blur and unfortunately for my date, I was distracted. I saw relief in her eyes when I took her home at midnight.

A few weeks before graduation, I showed up to Reiner’s third party in a month with Daisy Tipton on my arm. Dallas was on the porch. She stood up to greet me and immediately lost her balance and flew forward. I let go of Daisy and caught Dallas quickly, getting a strong whiff of her poison and establishing the cause of her sudden immobility.

“Whoa, buddy, you have been hitting the sauce hard,” I noted, immediately on edge. How long had she been drinking out here?

“Dean, you know I don’t like Daisy. Don’t screw her. Ew, not her.” My eyes widened and I had to stifle a laugh as Daisy spewed her venom.

“I can hear you, bitch,” she snapped in warning.

“Oh, you can hear me?” She hiccupped as she took a step out of my arms, her body swaying and her attention toward Daisy. “Hear this, I would rather be a bitch than the passed around whore you are.”

Daisy didn’t hesitate before landing a hard slap on the side of Dallas’s face. Dallas smiled spitefully as if to say ‘thank you,’ her hand going up to cup her reddening cheek. She had purposefully just started a fight.

My spitfire was drunk and things were about to get nasty.

I reached for Dallas just as she lunged for Daisy.

“Daisy, we’re done,” I said simply, turning my head toward her as I held Dallas back, who was flailing her arms desperately trying to get her shot at Daisy.

Daisy looked at me incredulously. “You don’t mean that!”

“No, I do. We are done,” I said, turning away from her and wrapping Dallas in my embrace, trapping her arms around her and carrying her to the side of the house. Once she stopped fighting me, I cupped her red cheek and grinned at her.

“Okay, you want to explain what just happened back there?”

“No,” she said, looking up at me as I tried to gently thumb away the burn in her cheek. For the first time in months, I saw it, the longing. My chest cracked in recognition.

“Dean, why won’t you kiss me?” she asked as she leaned into my hand, her eyes raw and searching mine.

“Dally, you are my best friend,” I offered weakly.

“You don’t like me?”

“I love you, Dally,” I said without thinking. I gave her the truth.

“You do?” I saw the hope in her eyes and then saw it pass away with my next words.

“You are like family to me.”

“Oh.” After a beat, I saw a wave of pure determination cross her face as she eyed me with sudden disgust. “You know they call you the Spanish slut?” she said as she scorned me with her alcohol-filled honesty. “One girl could neeeever be enough for you.” Pain tore through my chest at that statement. She had done her job well. I was ashamed.

“But that doesn’t bother you, right?” she scoffed. I stood silently, letting her have her way. I deserved every bit of it. All I wanted to do was to rid her of the look of contempt and replace it with what I had grown used to. There was no sign of it. I was suddenly desperate for her laugh, her smile, anything but the look she was giving me. It was filled with so much resentment, and even more than that, defeat. I cringed physically as I took a step toward her. Doing the only thing I deemed safe, I pulled a Ricky Ricardo and started mumbling furiously in Spanish.

“Soís suficiente para mi, chiquilla loca. Si supieraís lo mucho que quisiera besarte ahora mismo. Si supieraís cuanto tiempo me la paso pensando en ti.”

Her eyes widened as she looked at me like I had grown another head.

“I don’t speak Spanish, Martin,” she snapped, irritated.

“And it’s a good damn thing,” I said, pretending my feet were made of solid rock as I kept them planted. Right or wrong, I wanted her, all of her. My anger at the situation rolled off me and landed on her. She gaped at me.

I had been a fool to think this would turn out differently. Masked feelings were dangerous and we were both at the end of our rope.

She waited for me to do anything, say anything, and I purposely failed.

“See you later...brother.” She dashed away from me and I went to follow her, but Daisy blocked my path with tears in her eyes. I felt guilty for the way I had treated her and tried to calm her. I couldn’t fucking win. Leaving Daisy with a group of friends, I searched the party for Dallas, but came up empty.

I circled the house and banged on every door, barging into every single room and was met with vicious protest. Still coming up empty, I began to panic. She was drunk, and she was angry.

After searching everywhere, I cornered Tina Walker, who was only too happy to inform me Dallas had left with Reiner.

“What the hell?” I said, dialing her cell.

“They’ve been dating for a month,” one of the girls at the counter piped up.

I swallowed hard.

Oh, fuck no.

She had been dating him for a month? How the hell had I missed that? I felt the bile rise up my throat. I was a hypocrite. I had no right to be acting that way. I was a man possessed as I questioned everyone in our circle and no one had a clue as to where they were. Reiner had left his own fucking party. I quickly drove Daisy home and spent the entire night searching for them in vain. I ended up waiting at Reiner’s house long after the party ended, alone and sitting on his porch as he pulled up.

It was no secret between us how I felt about her and deep down I knew he felt the same. She had been a silent tug-of-war between us this year and I knew he thought he had won. He got out of his truck, a smug smile on his face as he approached. That was all it took.

I used my fists to drown out each painful tear of my heart. Reiner matched me blow for blow as we exhausted each other until we were both panting on the grass, bloodied and aching.

He said nothing as he stood up to retreat to his house. There was nothing to say.

She didn’t attend another party up to the day I graduated. She made herself scarce at school. I caught her once sitting in the stands after track. When I spotted her, she purposefully made her way down the bleachers and left before I had a chance to catch up with her.

Whether I had made a move on her or not didn’t matter anymore, either way I was losing her.

The day I graduated, I spotted her chatting with my parents before she made her way to her car. I quickly walked past my waiting parents to catch up with her.

“Dallas,” I said urgently as she scurried to her car, speeding up when she heard my voice. She got in, ignoring me. I leaned against her car with a sigh and wrapped my knuckles on her window as she shook her head. I stood there like a jackass.

“Open the fucking door, Dallas,” I said, losing my patience. I was leaving for Spain in the morning to spend the summer with my parents, as I did every year. I had planned on stopping by her house, but was surprised to see her here, grateful for the chance to say goodbye.

“No!” she shouted, starting her car.

“Open the door!” I yelled, getting the attention of everyone in the parking lot. She lowered her window and I reached in past her and grabbed her keys out of the ignition.

“Congrats,” she snapped as she moved to stop me, her voice dripping with anger and hurt. “I hate you. I really do. We were best friends and you just dropped me for being a whore like you.”

“Dally, get out of the car.”

“Forget it. I hope you have a nice life,” she said, her voice shaking. “Give me my keys,” she ordered as she got out of the car, refusing to look at me. She opened her hand and I pulled mine out of reach, gripping them tightly.

“Not until we talk,” I said firmly.

“Fine, I’ll walk!” she shrieked, causing more eyes to wander our way.

“Stop it. Here are your damn keys. You want to act like a baby, fine,” I huffed in frustration, holding them out to her.

“You are the worst best friend I have ever had!” she declared, ripping them out of my grip.

“I could say the same about you right now, Dallas,” I snapped.

“Really, well, don’t worry. It’s all over now,” she said with finality.

“No, it’s not. I will always be here for you. I had to let you sit in your own mess for a while, Dallas, because you are acting like such a stupid girl and you deserved it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I know that you are young and acting more dumb than you are smart. You’re brilliant and beautiful and way above all this crap. I wish you would just realize it already.”

“How can I when the one thing I want ...” she caught herself. “It’s harder than you think.”

“I know exactly how hard it is,” I said as she stopped her rant to finally look at me. Her mouth parted as I gripped her shoulders and leaned in. “I know,” I emphasized as I silenced her by taking her lips in a kiss that was anything but friendly. She gave in immediately and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I lost myself in her for a brief moment as our lips met and melded. I indulged on her mouth, swirling my tongue in and tasting all of her. The surprise in her return kiss dissolved as we were both lost and found together. I always knew I had been right about her. I selfishly took as much as I could, knowing my craving for her was now seared into my DNA. Tearing myself away, I noticed the heated color of her face, the swell of perfect parted lips, and her need for me, memorizing every detail. “I’ll see you again, Dallas. Tienes el otro pedazo de mi corazón.”

“Dean?” she whispered in question as I forced one lead foot in front of the other walking away from her.

I turned to look at my spitfire one more time, pressed two fingers to my lips, and turned them outward toward her and her answering smile was breathtaking. “See you at Austin, Dally.” I winked before joining my parents who were watching us with interest.

"One look, one touch, I was hopeless" – Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Now

I spent the next two weeks burying and losing myself in work. It took the better part of the first week to get Josh to speak to me. We had never had a single issue between us that had kept us at odds for so long. I had apologized to him profusely one night at his front door as he refused to look at me. When he’d finally let me in to explain, it took the better half of the night to convince him that I’d remained faithful.

“Dallas, I can’t be with a woman I can’t trust,” he said as he paced his living room, refusing to look at me. I walked over to him and forced his eyes to mine.

“And I’ll never give you a reason to again. Stop treating me as if I’ve done something wrong here,” I said, exasperated.

“You have slept with that man before?”

“Dean?” I asked stupidly, hating my answer. “We had one heavy year in college, okay? That was centuries ago and he is engaged,” I said, throwing my arms around his neck.

He looked down at me, his body tense under my touch.

“And if he weren’t?”

I shrugged. “Look, I’m tired. There is nothing between us. It’s history. We were talking about old times. I realize how it might’ve looked, but we are over, okay?”

“I don’t want to see him around you, Dallas. He doesn’t look at you like an old friend.”

“Fine,” I agreed quickly.

“Fine?”

“Yes, Josh, I don’t want to talk about him anymore. Let’s go to bed.”

“Why do I feel like you aren’t telling me everything?” Josh eyed me suspiciously as I kissed his stubble filled chin without answering him. “I’m serious, Dallas. I don’t want to see him.” Josh proceeded to pick me up, throw me on the bed and show me just how serious he was. I lay awake that night trying to figure out why I was so desperate to keep Josh and my relationship with him. I lay on his chest with his arms wrapped around me as I stroked his hair, thinking of Dean and his blue gaze.

That same familiar guilt washed over me as I stared at Josh in his slumber. I couldn’t stop thinking about one man while I held another.

And then I remembered why and gripped Josh tighter to me

I parked in my usual spot, cursing the Texas heat as I wiped a mascara smudge away from my eye. In less than the ten minutes it took from my door to the parking garage at the hospital, I went from completely ready to a wilted hot mess. I groaned inwardly as Dean pulled up next to me and parked. I cursed my luck as I waited out of courtesy for him to exit his Jag. I could keep our interaction professional, friendly. I had no idea what was going on in his head the night we went to dinner, but I was sure it was nothing more than flattering old memories. Of course, the attraction was still there, but for all I knew we were now two different people. I was sure he had gone home to Helena, finding the situation as redundant as I had.

“Good morning.” He smiled as he joined me in our walk toward the elevator.

“Dean,” I said as casually as I could when the smell of him intoxicated me immediately.

“I went to look for you a couple of times last week to take you to lunch and could never find you,” he said, glancing at me as we stopped in front of the elevator.

“I’ve been really busy,” I said lightly, trying to match the conversation with my tone.

“Ah,” he said, giving me the look that told me he knew I was full of shit. “So how mad was he?”

“Well, let’s just say you and I—” I gestured between us “—will not be going to any intimate dinners for two, for the next...decade.”

“That bad.” He smirked.

“It looked bad,” I said, stepping onto the elevator as he followed.

He pushed the buttons for his floor and mine and I had to fight a desperate battle to keep my eyes averted. Perfect hair, perfect face, perfect suit, and perfectly matched tie.

“When he’s not being a jealous guy, is he good to you?”

“Very, very good Dean, and I can’t screw it up,” I pleaded as I braved a look at him. His jaw hardened as he nodded at me with understanding.

Why did I suddenly feel guilty? Dean didn’t deserve an explanation.

“I really would like to catch up, but now—”

“I get it, Dallas. No big deal,” he said, moving to the opposite side of the elevator to let someone on. I felt the loss of him and sighed. He turned to look at me, his gaze intense as he took in my appearance and then quickly answered a smile of the woman next to him. I felt the heat race through me at my instant pang of jealousy. I couldn’t stop staring at him. I spent every night of the past two weeks wondering what would have happened if I would have let him kiss me.

When we were the last two left in the elevator and it was my turn to exit, I turned to him.

“Why did you try to kiss me?” Damn it, Dallas, let it go!

He took a step forward and held the door for me as he leaned in. “You look beautiful today, Dallas. Have a good one.”

“Aren’t you going to answer me?” I gazed up at him as his stare penetrated me as he grazed his bottom lip with his teeth, a move I had specifically told him I found irresistible when we were dating. He chuckled when he saw me take in a breath.

“You know, old habits,” he said before he pecked my cheek and stepped inside, letting the door close.

I stared at the elevator and heard my name being called.

“Dr. Whitaker, good morning.”

I turned to see Dr. Peirce giving me an odd look. I quickly shook off the spell I was under and nodded to him, regaining what senses I had left. I became angry instantly at myself and at Dean for what he had just done to me.

I finished my rounds with the med students and Dr. Pierce and found refuge in my office. I sat at my desk, clicking and un-clicking a pen in a complete stupor. Why the hell was he coming on to me when he was engaged? What the hell was he trying to do? I heard the light knock on my doorframe and looked up to see Josh.

“Hey, baby, lunch,” he said as he stuck a plastic container on my desk and kissed my cheek. I smiled as he pulled away.

“This is awesome,” I said, pulling the lid off and inhaling the mouthwatering scent of sautéed vegetables and risotto. “The perks of having a chef for a boyfriend.” I beamed as I took a huge bite and exaggerated a moan in appreciation.

“There are more than one,” he reminded me with a cocky grin.

Josh took a seat next to me as I ate and stayed with me until it was time for his shift. We were laughing as he left me at the reception desk and turned to walk toward the elevator.

“That man is in love with you, honey,” Beatrice said, looking between the two of us as Josh stepped on the elevator and it closed. “I can almost guess that this time next year he will make you his misses,” she added.

“Will she say yes?” This time the voice belonged to a distant memory. Someone who didn’t belong in the new world I had created. I jumped at the intrusion and turned quickly to face Dean, who was being scrutinized by Beatrice as he stood behind me with his arms folded on the counter. His stance was arrogant and I couldn’t help but notice the tick of his jaw as he eyed the closed elevator behind me.

“What’s up, Dean?” I asked dryly as I braced myself for a look at his gorgeous face. As usual, it did not disappoint. My insides sighed as I studied him.

Beautiful bastard.

Dean was half-Hispanic from his mother’s side and could credit her for his flawless olive skin and startling blue eyes. His parents had met when his father had taken a trip overseas after college. I had met them a few times when we were kids and once in college. His mother, Dayana, had a nickname for me that she spoke frequently in her native tongue. Dean had refused to tell me its meaning. I would constantly worry when we were younger that she didn’t approve of me, but she treated me with nothing but kindness. It seemed so long ago and yet I couldn’t help but notice the same kindness in her son’s eyes now as he watched me closely.

Dean grabbed his tie, studying it without interest as he spoke. “I was just meeting you halfway and to treat you to day-old egg drop soup and green Jell-O for lunch in the cafeteria, but it looks like you already had a lunch date.”

“Yes, I’m all set. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Sure.” He gave me a small smile, nodded, and waved a goodbye at Beatrice before he walked off.

“Oh...shit...honey, I smell trouble,” she said, shaking her head as she picked up the phone when it rang.

I couldn’t help but laugh at her spot on assessment of the situation. I fully intended on making sure that lunch happened with Dean soon. I wanted to know why he was back in Texas and working in my hospital, and why he was so reluctant to talk about his fiancée.

Whatever the hell was going on with him, I had decided to find out sooner rather than later.

Dean

Then

It was three long years before I heard three words that would forever change me. I was walking across campus toward the Marshall Hall building when the voice sounded. “Dean, Dean Martin?” A smile was already on my lips as I looked in the direction of the voice. Dallas’s laugh was unmistakable as she walked toward me. What I wasn’t expecting was the mere sight of her would leave me scrambling to regain basic fucking motor function. My smile quickly faded as she flew at me in a hug. All the breath left my body as I inhaled her scent. I gripped her to me tightly as she laughed and hugged me back. When she pulled away, my arms were still securely around her. I knew I had to be grinning like an idiot as she beamed back at me.

“How the hell are you?” she asked, a little Texas twang in her voice.

“Better now,” I said, still refusing to let her out of my grasp.

We spent a little longer than we should in our embrace, neither of us willing to pull away from the other. In that instant, I felt the pain of missing her ease slightly. My chest tightened at the return of a familiar stir.

It was just that damned easy.

“Let me look at you. Damn ...” My voice was hoarse as I let her go to take her in. She was wearing tight jeans, knee high, rider boots and a tight fitting red sweater. I took in every curve as I whistled slowly.

“I know.” She waggled her eyebrows up then down and did a little turn for the full effect. She was a far cry from the skinnier version I left. She had a small amount of curve on her hips and her long legs remained one of her best assets. This was no longer the tempting Lolita that I had left. This was the young woman I had always pictured but even more beautiful than I could have imagined.

“Still dressing like every day is a Sunday at church,” she said, poking fun of my clothes, as usual.

“I don’t hear anyone else complaining,” I pointed out, still overwhelmed with the sight of her in front of me. “And you are still a pain in the ass,” I noted as she laughed.

“You have no idea. So did you miss me, Dean?”

“You know the saying ‘Don’t know what you got till it’s gone?’ Well, I can’t stand most of the girls at this school,” I assured her.

“Well, don’t tell me the infamous Dean Martin has changed his ways,” she teased.

“No, I still sleep with them. I just run like hell after,” I chuckled. “Anyway, what about you?”

“What about me?” she asked her eyes meeting mine. I let them stray and sweep down her body slowly bringing them back to her. “Dean, you wouldn’t be checking me out, would you?”

“Yes, I absolutely fucking am,” I said pointedly, giving her pause. She gave me a wary glance as she looked around campus. She seemed more relaxed than when I had left her, more comfortable in her own skin. Her confidence radiated off her in waves. My mind drifted back to the kiss I had left her with as I studied the slow curve of a smile forming on her lips.

We quickly made up for lost time and spent the rest of the day stuck together, holding hands and laughing as I gave her a full tour of campus. I was on my last year and would be leaving for Columbia next fall and I was again a senior to her freshmen. I refused to dwell on that. I felt completely relaxed for the first time since I had left her three years ago.

We were inseparable our first few weeks of school as we stayed busy, getting reacquainted. When we were not in class, we spent our nights either on the phone, walking on campus, going to parties, or hanging out at my frat house. My friends seemed to like her right away, a little too much for my liking. I caught their hungry eyes on her and glared at them openly as they shot a game of pool at the table in what was supposed to be our dining room. The minute her back was turned, I was bombarded with the inevitable question of who she was to me.

There was no mistaking my straight answer to Casey, the newest member of my fraternity. “Don’t even fucking look at her,” I barked.

“Okay, bud, all right,” he said, backing away to grab the pool stick from Rob—another brother who was a senior—and eyed Dallas suspiciously. It wasn’t common practice for me to bring girls back to the house other than to my bedroom. I had fallen into a bad habit my first few years at school but had slacked since then, concentrating more on my grades.

New York was a whisper away, but Dallas...Dallas was here.

I watched her work the table as she made herself comfortable, shooting off her shit talk at my frat buddies, who happily obliged her. They were impressed, especially Casey.

Casey was notorious on campus, easily one of the biggest players. He had absolutely no good intentions when it came to the opposite sex and though I wasn’t one to preach, he had a rather tasteless way of discarding the affections of his women. He was doing his best to impress her and she seemed to notice, humoring him.

Rob was the next to ask, stepping up and handing me a beer. “What’s the deal?” He asked as he eyed Dallas’s perfect ass as she took a shot and made the eight ball, winning the game. She looked up at me with her knowing smile. She was so fucking beautiful. I cursed my stupidity in bringing her to the house.

“The deal is any woman I bring into this house is off limits,” I said through clenched teeth. Rob laughed as he eyed me. “Dude, that’s not exactly fair. I don’t think any of us would get anywhere that way,” he said loudly. I ignored him and grabbed Dallas’s hand.

“Nice game,” I said, giving her a wink and pulling her toward the door. The guys frowned as if I was taking away their shiny new toy.

“Bye,” Dallas said quickly as I pulled her out of the house.

“Oh, come on, Dean. You aren’t going to pull the same old shit you did in high school.” She raised a brow. I took a step toward her.

“No, this will be different. I promise.” Before she could question me, I swept her in my arms and hauled ass down the steps of the massive front porch of the house.

“What the hell are you doing?” She laughed as I ran like a lightning streak toward the quad. “Getting you somewhere safe. Couldn’t you smell it in there?” I said, running faster as she laughed.

“Smell what?” she asked, her voice choppy as I kept my legs moving.

“Your pregnancy,” I answered, slowing to a halt. She rolled her eyes as she jumped from my arms.

“They were just curious,” she said, giving me a pointed stare. “I’m sure you don’t bring girls home often to meet the parents, am I right?”

I smirked.

“Whore,” she said without affection. I pushed her down on the grass as she yelped out in protest, flailing her arms before giving in to the inevitable.

“You ass!” she said testily as she wiped grass from her sweater but stayed seated.

“Oh Dallas, always trying to bring out the angry Spaniard in me,” I teased as I joined her on the grass.

She chuckled. “Truth hurts.”

The night was surprisingly cool for early September in Texas. I looked over at her, memorizing the perfect outline of her face, the way her silky hair cascaded down her shoulders and swirled around her as the breeze lifted it. She smiled at me and the unmistakable jolt shot through me, the effect the same. This time, I didn’t fight it.

“It’s not like that anymore,” I said in an attempt to reassure her. I grabbed a stray hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She sobered up a bit, her smile slowly fading.

“Not what I heard,” she said, hugging her knees to her chest, averting her eyes. She wasn’t being confrontational, and I knew that. “They don’t call you the Spanish slut this time,” she said with no humor in their voice.

“Oh yeah, what do they call me?” I said, nudging her, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Dean,” she said looking straight into my eyes. Fuck if I didn’t want to kiss her right at the most inappropriate moment. I didn’t want to aid in what she already probably thought of me. I had wanted to kiss her so many times in the past few weeks but had held back for this very reason.

“You do them a disservice, you know,” she said thoughtfully as she played with the blades of grass, not looking at me.

“What do you mean?” I asked, plucking a piece of grass between my fingers.

“Letting them think that’s all you are good for. They never get to know you. It’s sad.”

I laughed. “They objectify me?”

She looked at me seriously. “Yes, they do.” That wiped the smile off my face.

“Dallas, I told you a long time ago, I don’t care about that shit, never will.”

“No, I guess not,” she said, perking up with a smile I knew wasn’t genuine. “I mean you are the big man on campus again. And what the hell is up with that frat chair in there, anyway?”

“It’s my throne,” I said defensively.

She rolled her eyes. It grew darker as the lamp lights came on around us, our faces covered in shadows. We enjoyed a few minutes of silence before she spoke up.

“Tell me about Columbia,” she prodded. “You are so close,” she encouraged.

“I can’t wait,” I said honestly. “My parents took me to New York when I was ten. I just remember being excited the entire time. I loved the semi-organized chaos. The noise, the culture clash, it was palpable, you know. Even then at that age, I could feel it, and it was everywhere. At least that’s the way I remembered it. I made my decision then, I wanted to be there and Columbia was a big heap of icing on the cake. My father and I spent hours going over my game plan. He always loved the idea of Columbia, especially when I told him I wanted to be a doctor. All these years later, I haven’t changed my mind. I’ve been back a few times since to check out the campus, look at housing, I still love it. Have you been?”

I hadn’t realized she was watching me closely, a small smile on her lips. “No, my parents and I vacationed a lot, but mostly to Colorado and then California to see my aunt and uncle. We never really made it out east.”

“It’s incredible and nothing like it is here. It makes our corner of the world seem so small. There is so much potential bursting out of it. I think you’d love it.”

“Maybe...probably,” she said, lost in thought.

“Then again, you are a true Texan. So damn proud to be from this fucking state with no plans of ever leaving,” I teased. “Even your name suits you.”

Before she could attack me for that, I lifted her to her feet. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”

“Are you going to do this every night?” she asked as she leaned in close and I played with the tips of her long hair as I trailed my fingers down her back, pulling her closer to me. “Maybe, if you want me to.”

“Hmmm, kind of a boyfriend type thing to do, isn’t it?” I avoided her question, leading with mine.

“Coming to my toga party tomorrow night?”

“Maybe,” she said, glancing my way with a smile.

“You should, Dallas.”

“Why is that?”

“’Cause I will be there,” I said, slowing to a stop at her dorm.

She turned to me playfully. “Oh, well, when you put it that way, meh...and change clothes would you, you look like a bible salesmen.” She hurried up the steps as she chuckled.

“Just come, okay? We can tilt a few beers back and I want to talk to you.”

“About what?” she asked as I admired her from the bottom of the steps. She had on a sweater dress that outlined her curves perfectly and tight black leggings that I dreamt of ripping off of her all day.

“There’s just something I want to talk to you about.” She heard the hint of seriousness in my voice. “It’s important.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

I sat on my throne, wrapped in a fucking white sheet, my look complete with a golden Caesar crown, holding an oversized chalice full of beer as I waited for Dallas. I watched the swarm of people around me, completely disinterested, and knowing I had been stood up. I had texted her twice with no response. My aggravation grew as the beer failed to numb me, and the idiots around me raised total hell. So far, tonight we had put out two potential fires, taped up three broken windows, and now I was stuck watching two bikini-clad girls fight in a plastic pool filled with grapes. I was supposed to be judging the winner, but instead of paying attention, I was fuming.

Relief turned to disbelief when I heard the cat calls at her arrival and Rob’s “HOT DAMN DALLAS!” as she came into view.

Taking her in, my body went completely stiff and a hunger I had never felt pulsed through me. She was covered from head to toe in gold. Golden sandals, golden dress, golden painted skin, even her long dark hair was sparkling. Her arms were covered in bracelets and she wore a small crown of her own. She had painted her eyes heavily, Cleopatra style.

It was the sexiest fucking thing I had ever seen in my life.

My mouth watered as I noticed the heavy cleavage and large amount of leg her dress revealed. My mind raced with possibilities, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was painfully hard. Her dorm mate, Cammie, was behind her and gave me a knowing smile as Dallas took the small step to stand before me in my chair.

Before I had a chance to speak, she planted herself on my lap, grinding her ass against my hard dick and turned to the side, hooking her heels on the armrest, giving me a clear view of her perfectly toned legs. She looked up at me through her lashes, her perfectly painted lips beckoning me.

“Hey,” she said sweetly.

Possessiveness took hold as I scolded her. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been waiting for hours,” I said, shifting so she couldn’t feel the evidence of what she was doing to me.

“Well,” she said, winking at Cammie who was currently being badgered by Rob. Cammie rolled her eyes in boredom as she handed him her cup. He didn’t have a chance in hell. “We took our time getting ready, and from what I can tell,” she said, looking dead at me with a knowing smirk, “you appreciate it.”

“You look beautiful, but I told you I wanted to talk to you,” I said, trying to keep from eyeing her legs.

“We will. I just got here. Aren’t you going to offer me a drink?” She leaned in so I got a clear shot of her chest then grabbed my chalice, taking a long drink.

“It’s warm.” She wrinkled her nose and stood, making her way to the keg as I watched her with hungry eyes. Casey was the first to leap to her side, and I glared at him, unable to move due to the painful reminder in my groin. I willed the beast in me down as I finally joined her and we walked around the party. We drank a few beers as we observed the out of control rager. The Greeks took their toga parties seriously, and my frat house was no exception. I was surprised we hadn’t been shut down.

Dallas’s eyes widened when the DJ put on an old school rap mix and she dragged me to the dance floor. I watched her move her hips seductively as she brushed her ass against my front, pulling me closer to her, her hands behind her on my hips. I snaked my arms around her, brushing my fingertips over her middle and she molded into me. She leaned her head back as I cradled her and I saw the want in her eyes. I brushed my lips against her temple as she continued to sway with me. We danced, glued together in a sweating, needy mess through three songs before taking a break, walking out to my porch with a fresh beer and some much-needed fresh air.

“This is fun,” she said, looking up at the night sky from the porch, her mascara smudged. I moved in front of her, wiping the smear away with my thumb.

“You look so beautiful. There wasn’t a guy in there that didn’t wish they were me. Thanks for coming.”

Jade eyes beckoned me, and I leaned in and slowly took her lips, and she kissed me back without hesitation.

This was it.

“I want you to take me upstairs,” she whispered, as I pulled away.

“What?”

“You heard me, Dean. I want you to take me upstairs,” she said wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me so I was a whisper away from her lips.

“I’m not going to take you upstairs and just screw you, Dallas,” I said as my dick disagreed, raging in my shorts underneath the thin sheet.

I wanted this woman.

I needed this woman, and I’d be damned if she hadn’t just stolen my thunder again by making the first move. “Not tonight, not like this.” I was fighting for control. Every fiber of my being wanted to do exactly what she asked me to. I’d planned on telling her everything about how I felt. I didn’t want our attraction getting in the way of the truth. I wanted her to understand that before I laid a hand on her. She deserved it. She was worth the wait.

“I’m aware of what I’m asking, you ass.” She looked at me seriously as she leaned in, taking my lips slowly as I groaned in frustration.

“This is not a random hookup, Dallas, all right? You mean more to me than that. You are a lifetime girl.”

“What?”

Her lips parted and I couldn’t resist. I went in. I’d already waited three years to deliver this kiss, and I wasn’t waiting a fucking second longer. I took her mouth greedily as she latched on to me desperately and moaned. My body lit fire as I tasted her, unable to hold back. I gripped her head, plunging my tongue in over and over again, tasting her, savoring her every whimper, her every reaction. When I pulled away and I could finish a sentence, I continued my explanation.

“Lifetime girl,” I whispered as she opened her eyes slowly, drawing a long breath, just as effected by our kiss.

“What does that mean?”

“You aren’t a girl to just screw, Dallas. You are a girl to fall in love with. I have always thought that about you, but I couldn’t be with you the way I wanted to.”

“Oh please, that was just an excuse for you to be able to sleep around. Newsflash, I’m no longer innocent and haven’t been for some time. I don’t need you to marry me. I need you to take me upstairs.”

“We are more than a quick screw, Dallas,” I defended.

“Not to me,” she said defiantly. This wasn’t her. This was the hurt fifteen-year-old that I’d rejected three years ago staring up at me. She was scared. I understood it.

As much as her sharp words stung, I could no longer ignore the fact that I needed her beneath me. I closed my eyes and opened them, no longer a man in control.

“You can’t handle what I have to give to you,” I growled as I studied her.

“Try me,” she said coyly as she gripped me firmly through my pants. Throwing her over my shoulder, I walked her around to the back door as she laughed as I flew up the stairs. When we reached my room, I paused as I set her on her feet and she walked in, taking a look around. She noticed I wasn’t next to her and turned to look back at me.

“Shut the door, Dean.” She moved to take off her dress, and I shut it quickly, turning back to her. She was now bare to me in only heels and underwear. Clearly, she and I had two completely different ideas about how this night would go.

I damn near hit my knees at the sight of her.

Unwrapping the sheet from around me, I locked the door behind me as I admired her beautiful body. She took a few steps toward me and I met her in the center of the room. The second I had that door locked, it was time to let her know she was no longer in control. I pulled her into a kiss that had her breathless as I backed her into the wall. Devouring her mouth, I felt her melt into me, completely consumed. She ripped her lips from mine, looking up at me with absolute hunger. I stoked the fire by cupping her breast and taking her nipple in my mouth, laving it until it was tight and peaked under my tongue. She moaned as she arched her back, offering me more, which I took greedily. I looked up at her as I stroked each peak with my tongue spurring her on.

Releasing her from my mouth, she looked down at me in surprise.

“Is this what you want, Dallas?”

“Not quite.” She took my hand and brought it to her center. I felt her heat through the top of her panties and groaned as I again pushed her back against the wall, spreading her legs and stroking her over the soaked strip of lace covering her. She looked so fucking beautiful as she panted, desperately grinding into my hand.

“Damn it, Dallas, you feel so good.” I coaxed with my fingers, slipping them under her now useless panties and slid them into her. She gasped and threw her arm around my neck to keep from buckling. I thrust my fingers in deeper, palming the hard bundles of nerves as her body begged for release. She threw her head back, her chest heaving as she pleaded with me.

“Make me come, Dean.”

Fuck me.

I lost it at her words as I pushed into her with my digits, tasting her chest and neck until she fell apart against my hand, her head falling toward my chest. I quickly gripped her throat to keep our eyes locked as I milked every last drop from her. She trembled as I kept her pinned to the door, my grip firm on her neck, her breathing erratic. I lifted my soaked fingers to my mouth, sucking each one dry, and closed my eyes at her taste.

Perfect.

“I want you, Dallas. I’ve always wanted you,” I confessed as she watched me, open mouthed, chest heaving. I loosened my grip on her throat, massaging where my fingers had been as she reached into my shorts and gripped me hard in her hand. Stroking my needy dick, her eyes drifted down as she took me in.

“Well...I see you have been holding out on me,” she remarked as her eyebrow quirked. I leaned in toward her, rock hard and close to coming as she touched the evidence of my need for her.

Every scenario I had ever imagined, every dream I had ever had of her couldn’t compare to the beautiful sight in front of me. She was breathtaking and perfect and I was more determined than ever to make her mine. Unable to handle much more, I lifted her off her feet, wrapping her legs around me. We both moaned as her wetness met my hardness as I carried her to the bed. I stood and quickly discarded my shorts and boxers as she writhed with anticipation on the bed. I pulled a condom from my drawer and rolled it on as I eyed her. Her legs were open before me and my jaw dropped as she spread them a little wider, noticing the effect it had on me. Her hands drifted over her body from her breasts to the spot between her legs I had just been working on. She looked up at me with apprehension, as if she was asking permission, and I had to force my words out.

“Do it, baby. Do it. Jesus, Dallas,” I heaved out, trying desperately to stay in the game. My dick jolted as she reached her center and began to manipulate it. I stroked myself once, twice, and had to grip myself tightly to keep from going any further.

“Fucking sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life,” I said, watching her come with my name on her lips. I dipped between her legs, tonguing the exact spot she had just lost herself in and she shrieked in surprise, gripping my hair. Her moan fueled me as my tongue slowly explored her entrance, never stopping until I had her begging. Making my way up, I kissed her stomach, exploring her skin in slow lazy kisses, tasting all of her.

When our mouths met in a fiery kiss, I looked into her eyes and drove into her in one hard thrust. Once we connected, I paused, watching her lips part, and waiting for her eyes to find mine. Once she adjusted to my size, I wasted no time moving inside her. There was no holding back with her then. I was all in and was beside myself. Her feel, her taste, it was all too intoxicating. It was the first time I’d ever slept with a girl I loved and it was the best I had ever felt. I slowed my strokes, unable to keep the tightness growing in my chest from spilling out. A close confession of love was on my lips, but I wasn’t sure she if she was ready to hear it. As I moved inside her, capturing her gasps with my mouth, I couldn’t help the few words I let trickle out.

“I’ve always wanted you, Dallas. Can you feel it? Tu tienes la mitad de mi corazón. She nodded her head, unable to hide the tears slipping down her face. I stole each one with my lips, trailing my kiss over her eyes, down her cheek, and back to her lips, where they remained for the rest of the night.

I took her slowly for hours, knowing why it had taken me so long to open that door. It would be impossible to close.

The next morning, I woke up alone and completely confused. When I realized she was really gone, I texted her.

For days I texted her.

Love doesn’t care if you were there for five years or five minutes, Laura. Once your heart decides to give itself away, time has nothing to do with it.- Room 212

Dallas

Now

I peeked around the corner of the medical supply closet, watching Dean in his usual repartee with a few of the floor staff.

All women...figures.

They crowded around him like a bunch of groupies backstage at a rock concert. Then again, I wasn’t doing much better stalking from a distance.

You’re not stalking him, Dallas. You are simply...curious.

I watched as Dean threw his head back and laughed with Miranda, a cardiologist who worked on a completely different floor. The rumor was that she was easy, and half the hospital staff had already gotten a crack at her. I narrowed my eyes as she finished their bout of laughter by putting her hand on his chest, oh...so...casually.

“Whore,” I whispered vehemently under my breath.

“Who’s a whore?” I heard Beatrice call from behind me as I jumped out of my skin and ducked into the closet. I quickly recovered, grappling for supplies as she followed me in.

“I said more,” I piped, gathering as much as I could to keep my hands busy. “What are you doing here? This isn’t your floor¸” I said in a rush, scorning her in vain.

“I’m covering for someone, and I could say the same for you, honey. You aren’t fooling anyone here. Since when do you stock up on anything?” she said as a knowing smile graced her face as I turned crimson. Beatrice is what I liked to call the housemother. She governs the hospital as if she is watching her grandchildren with adoration in her eyes and a sharp tongue. Lines filled her caramel skin and were complemented by her soft brown eyes. Her scornful, southern voice reminded me of every lead actress in a mother role in a good movie. And if this was a movie, she looked like a female version of Morgan Freeman with tiny sporadic black moles around her eyes and nose. I found them adorable. I took in her kitten-covered scrubs and shook my head.

“Fine, I’m busted,” I said, putting the supplies back neatly and shaking my head.

“I knew he was trouble the minute I laid eyes on that man. What’s the story?” she asked, slowly crossing her arms over her chest as if we had all the time in the world. “And if I may say, he’s as handsome as any man I’ve ever seen.” She tilted her head back and peeked out of the closet and I quickly jerked her back in with both hands, making her scream out in surprise.

“There. That right there. That’s the story,” I said quietly. She was talking normally and apparently didn’t realize we were on a stake out. She halted my nervous hands with a hand on my shoulder. “Stop, Dallas, and tell me what’s going on.” She typically only addressed me as Dr. Whitaker, but like with every other governing force, once they use your name and that particular tone, it was time to spill it.

“When we were kids—not kids, college—we...dated, and we were...we ...” I nodded at her to catch on for herself without me having to say the words. She didn’t bite. I rolled my eyes at her stubbornness.

“You?” she encouraged, shutting the door behind me, pinning me with her intrusive stare.

“We dated...well, we met in high school,” I said, looking anywhere I could to avoid those damn Oprah-I’m-going-to-make-you-realize-shit-about-yourself-and-have-an-epiphany-so-you-will-cry-on-my-couch-eyes.

“We dated in college for a year, that’s it,” I said dismissively.

“That’s not it. If it were, you wouldn’t be in the closet calling Ms. Miranda a whore and watching his every move.” She chuckled, raising her brows.

“I got lost in a memory, I’m fine. The way things ended, I just ...” I finally gave her a pleading eye.

“Ms. Dallas, listen, if you care for the man and he’s making it obvious he cares for you, why not talk to him?”

I felt like an idiot standing in the supply closet being talked to like I was ignoring the most obvious solution. I narrowed my eyes at her. “It’s not that simple.”

“All right, all right,” she said, opening the door slowly behind me. I did an about face and burst out of the closet as if my ass was on fire and ran right smack into Dean.

Perfect.

“Dallas,” he said, gripping my hips so I could regain my bearings. I whipped back quickly to stand, noticing Dean eye Beatrice over my shoulder with a raised brow. Beatrice just gave him a smile and grabbed the first thing available on the shelf, making it completely obvious we were up to no good.

Dean turned to me as I tried my best to ignore his delicious smell of wood and sea. I caught myself just before I took a whiff and jerked my arms out of his grasp.

“Sorry,” I said quickly and took a step away. He took one step forward, his light blue eyes penetrating mine.

“What did I just bust you doing?” he murmured with no regard at all to my personal space. He inched closer and I felt my spine start to tingle.

Don’t look into those eyes, Dallas. Trouble, trouble.

“Nothing, just girl talk,” I said, giving Beatrice big eyes as she lingered. She made a small “hmpf” sound and walked off with her lips twitching in amusement. The same amusement gracing Deans smooth full lips at the moment.

This man should not have this much effect on me.

“Okay, well, bye. I—”

He cut me off when his finger swiped my lip to remove a strand of hair that was stuck in my lip gloss.

“Sure, you have to go,” he said, holding his tablet at his hip, his eyes still peering into mine, his lips twitching as he fought a smile. He knew very well his effect on me.

“Stop looking at me that way,” I barked.

“What way?” he asked, his tone implying he was clueless, his broadening smile telling me he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Like you’ve seen me naked,” I snapped, my hands on my hips, my center and resolve melting simultaneously as he continued to stare at me with hunger.

“I have...repeatedly,” he said softly as a small shiver made its way across my shoulders.

“That was years ago,” I snorted, my eyes challenging him. The tall, dark, insanely handsome bad habit I used to have was now getting under my skin and I needed to put a stop to it.

Nothing good had ever come out of it.

“I’ve known you a long time, Dallas,” he spoke as he leaned into me.

“So?” I said, still trying to mask my arousal with contempt. He leaned in closer, and the second his chest brushed mine and his breath hit my ear, it took everything I had not to moan. “You don’t really want me to stop, Dallas. In fact, I’m willing to bet you want me to do a lot more.”

“I’m not the girl I used to be. Do you need me to continue to remind you?” I said, knowing I had exactly thirty seconds to get away from this man before I proved myself wrong.

Twenty-nine...twenty-eight...twenty—

He started to speak again and I raised my hand in protest. “Let me just stop you right there. I’m not curious like those women are—” I gestured over his shoulder at our female audience that were trying their best to hear our conversation “—because I’ve been there, Dean. I’m not falling for your shit, because I already have. I don’t need to be reminded of what we did, because I was there, too. But maybe I should remind you of how it ended.” He stood a little taller then as the recognition crossed his face.

“How exactly did it end, Dallas?” he said his voice growing less intimate and more distant. It was all I needed.

Nineteen...eighteen...seventeen...sixteen—

“Badly,” I said, turning to walk toward the elevator. “You were there, too,” I whispered, thinking he wouldn’t hear me.

“Yes, I was,” he said softly. I paused mid-stride, but didn’t look back. I didn’t have to. I knew he was still staring at me.

Three...two...one.

I walked into Mr. Carson’s room, waiting on Dr. Pierce to give the results of the chemo. If it had shrunk just another few millimeters, there was a good chance he would live to fight another day. Against my better judgment, I was fully vested in Lance Carson. I couldn’t stand to see his wife in so much pain. I knew the odds were against him. I also knew that with cancer anything was possible. It was a nonbiased killer, but carefully executed medicine and with the help of divine intervention, it could all turn around.

“Dr. Whitaker, have you ever thought about branching out to oncology?” I scanned Mr. Carson’s hopeful face, praying to God I had made the right decision in telling him to take another round of meds. He had gone through so much during this round of chemo that I thought we would lose him...twice. Still, he sat in his bed smiling at me.

“No, I’m opening a general practice with my sister.”

“Plans change. You should think about it. And no matter what comes out of his mouth, I am thankful that you made me fight.” I turned to Mr. Carson, who gave me a quick wink and took in a deep breath, waiting on Pierce to give the verdict.

“It worked.” Dr. Pierce nodded at me with appreciation as he walked into the room. It took everything I had in me not to burst in to tears. In the case of Lance Carson, I was heavily involved.

I saw Mrs. Carson’s face light up and she let out a scream of delight and hugged her husband furiously. I watched, unable to speak for fear my voice would betray my emotion.

“You saved my life today. Think about it, Dr. Whitaker,” Mr. Carson said over the shoulder of his wife, who was sobbing.

“I will go set up your surgery,” I said, quickly excusing myself.

“Thank you.” Mrs. Carson threw her arms around me, stopping my retreat, and sobbed into my jacket. I hugged her back fully with my warning.

“We aren’t out of the woods yet. We still have to get the tumor out. Stay optimistic and I will see you both shortly with the orders.” I walked out of the room, dodging all of the awe-filled stares, including Dr. Pierce.

“Beatrice, it worked! Schedule him for surgery right away.”

“Well done, doctor.”

“Thank you!” I beamed, my chest full.

I had been spending more and more time in the oncology department of the hospital. I hadn’t mentioned it to Rose due to the fact I didn’t want to tell her I was becoming more interested in that particular field. It would interfere with the plans we have had for years. I couldn’t do it to her and I wasn’t so sure this wasn’t just a phase. I had been interested in several other fields, as well. Still, I couldn’t deny this felt much different. I walked quickly across the street to meet her for coffee. Dallas Memorial was situated minutes from her campus. I walked into Starbucks and stopped dead in my tracks as I watched her. She was beaming at her phone as she texted someone. I could see it on her instantly. When she realized I was watching her, she quickly pocketed her phone and came toward me. It seemed my baby sister was hiding something of her own. I gave her a knowing smile and she shrugged away my interest. I turned my attention to the young barista in front of me.

“I’ll have a caffeine-free, frothy, cold, chocolate thing with chocolate shit on top, please.”

I heard a puff of air escape my sister. “Are you serious? I’m sorry, ma’am.” She turned to the young girl at the counter, who was laughing hysterically at my order. “She’s not fit for public. She will have a decaf, chocolate Frappuccino with whipped cream and extra drizzle, and I will take a chai tea, please. Dallas, go get us a table.”

“Thanks, Rosie, I never know how to order this crap.”

“It takes brains, Dallas. Take your damn drink, will you? I don’t want people knowing I drink this poison.”

“You guzzle tacos, Rose,” I pointed out as we situated ourselves at a high top table with a view of the hospital.

“True,” she said, her smile never far from the surface.

“Spill it, I only have ten minutes,” I said, dreading what was coming. I adored my sister. Today she had decided to style her hair in her usual knotted, curly red mess on top of her head. I had tried for years to get her to embrace her feminine side, and for years she had told me to ‘go to hell’. In all honesty, she didn’t need to change a thing. Rose carried a confidence about her that I admired. She wasn’t trying to impress anyone, which I was sure made her even more appealing to the opposite sex. She was a true natural beauty.

“So, I met someone. His name is Grant. He is beautiful, smart, caring, funny, and he smokes weed.”

She looked up at me with an impish grin as I laughed harder than I had in months. “Ha ha ha, holy shit, Rose. He’s a pot head?”

“No, he smokes weed,” she defended. “There is a difference.”

“He’s a pot head,” I said, egging her on.

“No, he’s not, damn it. I’m telling you, sister, I have never had it this good,” she boasted, both eyebrows raised and her perfect plump lips puckered out. I chuckled at her.

“You look good. Really, Rose, you are practically glowing. So, okay, tell me more.”

“He was raised here and in Tennessee due to his parent’s divorce. He is a mechanic for a private airline. He is twenty-nine and is the hottest, I mean hottest man I’ve ever seen. He’s so good to me and tells me he loves me with every breath he takes. I think, no I am sure I am in love with him. It happened really fast and we don’t get to see each other often, but we talk every single day for hours. And when we do see each other...oh, God, it’s like my heart is full and I am so happy. He hasn’t let my school work suffer and he swears we are destined to end up together and I love him and he is so, so good to me and—Dallas...why are you looking at me like that?”

“It happened,” I said carefully, giving her a slow nod with the tilt of my chin.

“What happened?”

“What Dad said. Lightning struck you, Rose.” I watched the words sink in as she tilted her head, eyes squinting. “Oh, you know I don’t believe in that stuff.”

“Yes, you do. Don’t pretend with me. I know better,” I said, suddenly terrified for her. It had been a little less than a month since dinner at my parents’ house. Who the hell could she possibly have fallen in love with in such little time?

“Okay, so what if I do believe in it, how do you know it’s Grant?”

“Rose, I know as well as you do that it’s Grant. I am going to down this frothy chocolate shit and try to be happy for you,” I said, the bitterness in my voice growing stronger with every word.

“I’m sorry, Dallas. I know you’re miserable right now with Josh.”

“Completely, but not because of Josh. Dean is working on the ninth floor in my hospital.”

She couldn’t hide her excitement. “Oh really! Dean! Huh, the guy who broke your heart?” she cooed.

“He said I broke his,” I replied dryly, completely sure of who was right.

“You did, and he broke yours. It’s a sick thing to watch. So what happened?” she asked, sipping her tea.

“He took me out to dinner and then tried to kiss me. I freaked out on him, telling him to leave me alone.”

“He’s married, isn’t he?” she asked, trying to hide her smile. Rose had been Dean’s strongest advocate and her first crush when she was a kid.

I looked at her pointedly. “He is engaged. I can’t get involved with Dean. I won’t. He can’t be trusted.” I ended it there as she looked at me in question. “And you know as much of a whore as I know he’s always been, I never thought he’d be the type to cheat on his fiancée.”

“Me neither,” she said, still listening, but I could still see her faint smile.

“What?” I asked impatiently.

“Nothing, it’s just that...I always saw you with Dean, everyone did. I’m glad he’s back.”

“And engaged, Rose. It’s just never been...right with us. Anyway, Josh showed up with his mother and all hell broke loose, we were at Chantilly of all places. He was treating his mother to dinner and he saw me in my ‘do me’ dress flirting with Dean.”

“You are kidding me!” she said, laying her hand on my arm with excitement.

“Nope,” I sighed accentuating the ‘p’ with the pop of my lips.

“He took you to Chantilly? Did he know about that place!” she asked with awe in her face. My sister had gone from a love-shunning moralist to a romanticist in a month. I shook my head slowly with distaste, nowhere near ready to lose her to the bright side.

“No, and, Rose, that was the right reaction to the wrong part of the story I just told you. It doesn’t matter where he took me!”

“I know but he took you to Chantilly. It’s a sign!” She clapped her hands together happily as if she had been in on the secret that the universe would dump Dean at my door...or hospital.

“It’s not a sign! Look, I have to get back to work, keep your damn happy voodoo shit away from me for now. I am happy being miserable,” I said, throwing the rest of my drink in the trash.

“Why don’t you give Dean a chance instead of assuming the worst about him? Talk to him and see what’s going on. If I remember correctly, you are the one who screwed it all up.”

“I think something is wrong there, Rose, but I can’t afford to care right now. I’m working harder than ever to research what needs to be done to set up shop, not to mention my current patient load. Can we just drop it?”

“Fine, but this is Dean. God, does he still look like a completely fuckable movie star?”

“Better,” I said on another sigh.

She smirked at me and grabbed my arm. “Do you really think it’s Grant?”

“Isn’t it?” I said, trying my best to conceal my concern. I didn’t want her to see how bitter I was. She had dealt with enough when I came back from college. She knew from experience how risky it was to put your heart out there. Her personal life had been no picnic. “Be happy, little sister, you deserve it. But, you know...be careful, too.”

“I will. Not much I can do at this point. I am with Grant,” she said quickly as I saw a small amount of fear cross her face.

“It scares me, too, but enjoy him. I am behind you. And I want to meet him,” I said sternly. If some stoner creeper was claiming love for my sister in less than a month, I had the right to question their sanity.

“Soon,” she said with a smile as she adjusted her backpack on her shoulder.

“Get to school, Whitaker. We have a practice to open.”

She gave me her widest smile before she walked away. “Love you.”

I walked onto Dean’s floor the next day after rounds and caught him in between appointments.

“Dallas, hey,” he greeted me with a smile. “I was just going to buzz you and see if you still wanted to have lunch.”

I took a step forward, not wanting the three women sitting in chairs in the waiting room to hear us. Although, I was sure with the attention Dean garnered in any room he occupied, they were straining to hear.

“Do you have time for coffee now?” I asked icily. He frowned at my temperament then nodded quickly, heading down the hall as I followed. He entered a tiny break room that furnished a small table with coffee and closed the door behind us.

“Do you still take it black?” he asked, pouring a cup and holding it out to me.

“No thanks. Look, Dean, I need to know why you are here. Why you came back and why you’re acting so damn ...”

“What?” he asked carefully.

“Weird?” I said, uncertain.

“Is that a question, Dallas?” he said, taking a sip of the cup he extended to me and putting his other hand in his pocket. I followed his hand and caught myself eyeing the bulge in his pants. I expelled a harsh breath and averted my eyes, but it was too late. He set the cup down and took a step forward.

“Weird, hmmm,” he said, taking another step forward. “Last time I saw you—”

“We aren’t talking about then,” I snapped.

“Aren’t we?” he stated as he took another step forward.

“You can’t be serious,” I said, taking a step back toward the door.

“Why not? You are the one who said the words,” he said, reaching me as he cupped my chin, trailing his thumb across my cheek and over my lips. I parted them in surprise as he licked his.

“I was twenty and naïve. You can’t hold that against me,” I defended, weakly.

He took another menacing step forward so I was backed against the door. Jesus, even having coffee with him wasn’t safe.

“Your fiancée,” I protested as he inched closer to me, his eyes zeroed in on my lips.

“Is my fiancée no longer, and lives in New York. It was over months ago,” he said, his thumb still stroking my face.

Why hadn’t he told me?

“And so now because you’re here and it’s convenient for you, you think you can just...oh, I don’t know, fuck me up against a door? I’m involved with another man. Get your hands off of me.”

He jumped at my order, an apology coming from him as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I’m sorry, that was a dick move.”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t surprise me.” I flinched at my own words and in turn apologized to him. “Look, I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to happen. Whatever the hell you are thinking isn’t going to come to fruition.”

We stood studying each other, static heavy in the air, his intent clear. Even though I knew, I asked, “I mean, what are you thinking, Dean? What do you want?” I whispered as his eyes drifted from my lips then to my eyes. He kept his hands in his pockets as he inched forward.

“What you promised me,” he finished before leaning in and capturing my lower lip briefly before pressing his fully against mine. It was instantaneous as my heart lurched in my throat and my senses bottomed out. I clung to his shoulders, bracing myself for his kiss. The minute his soft lips began to explore, I felt every single shockwave imaginable roll through me. I moaned as his tongue slid along my mouth and opened briefly to taste him before I pushed at his chest in protest.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” I said, my voice hoarse, my need for him evident.

“I am the only man that should ever kiss you, Dallas.” I was speechless. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I put my hand behind me on the door, searching for the handle, trying to think of something to say to help my situation. I had let him kiss me. I hadn’t fought hard enough. I had just done to Josh what I said I’d never do.

My vagina spoke first, the greedy bitch, urging me to give into him. I quickly shut her up by lashing out.

“I need you to respect my relationship. I’ve been with him for a year. This isn’t some fling. He doesn’t deserve this and you...you need to forget about what I said. I was a kid and that was a long time ago.”

“You meant it,” he replied with bite, his determination unwavering. “And if I thought for one second you were truly serious about him, I might respect your relationship. Then again, you belonged to me first.”

“You don’t know me anymore, and I don’t belong to you,” I whispered heatedly as he pulled his hands from his pockets and stroked both my cheeks with his thumbs slowly, his eyes my undoing.

His breath hit my skin with his words, his hot gaze matching his threat. “Then you better leave and fast, because I want you so much right now, Dally. I want to push so far into you that you remember exactly who you are, and who you belong to.” I gasped at his declaration, my underwear now useless as I clenched my thighs together tighter. If I stayed in the room one more minute, I would lose all control. I had done nothing but dream of this man for years, and done everything imaginable to push him out of my subconscious. All of that effort was now wasted with the kiss he had just recaptured me with.

“You have to stop, Dean,” I begged as my limbs became useless.

“I’ve missed you, Dallas,” he whispered before he placed one last soft kiss on my lips and stepped back, still pinning me with his gaze.

Anger from years ago surfaced, and suddenly I couldn’t help the emotion building in my chest. Fear crept through me again as memories of what was left me in the wake of loving him wormed into my thoughts.

“You missed me? That’s laughable. I seem to recall you walking away without looking back,” I said, turning toward the door. “Leave me alone. I don’t want to revisit the past.”

“Dallas, I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“Leave me the hell alone,” I pushed out, turning the knob and walking out but not before hearing his last words.

“I can’t.”

Dean

Then

Days after the party, I was talking to Rob in front of the dining hall when I saw her. I stopped mid-sentence as she approached. I could tell by the way she regarded me she was going to pretend like nothing had happened between us. But I was done pretending the minute I had touched her.

“Dean, Rob,” she greeted. She noticed my glare and stopped with a laugh. “Why, Dean, is that the look of love you are giving me?”

She was dressed in a tight t-shirt and a catholic schoolgirl skirt. I inwardly groaned as I looked her over. Still, I was too furious with her to speak. I walked away with Rob, who was still talking.

Dallas followed as I left the quad, but I ignored her. “Stop right now,” she demanded as I continued to walk. “Stop, Dean,” she pleaded as she followed. I kept walking and heard her cry out in surprise. I turned in time to watch her fall to the ground her book bag flying behind her. She looked down at her knee to examine it as I joined her. Standing in front of her, I watched as she blew on her flawless skin, a slow smile forming on her lips.

She’d faked her fall.

“Nice try, Dallas,” I snapped.

“It worked,” she mused up at me, brushing herself off as she stood. “What’s your problem?”

“You know exactly what my problem is, Dallas Whitaker.”

“Oh, the first and last name...We are friends. What happened shouldn’t change a thing.”

I shook my head and walked away. I couldn’t get my thoughts together, the hurt from her brush off building in me and fueling my anger. She followed me to the frat house and ignored the door I closed on her, opening it up with a laugh and walking upstairs just a step behind me. At my bedroom door, I reeled on her.

“Stop following me!”

She laughed out despite me.

Spitfire.

“What’s the problem? Do the girls you casually screw hold it against you?”

“I didn’t casually screw you. I made love to you for hours and you want to treat it like nothing happened between us. You clearly weren’t ready,” I said, convinced.

She avoided my sincerity again with another dismissive statement. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you hated it so much. It didn’t seem like it to me.”

“I didn’t hate it and you know it,” I said quickly.

She walked over and brushed my lips with hers. “Prove it.” She gripped me, finding me already hard then let go.

I scanned her from head to toe and back up again. My mind whirled with endless scenarios and an ache I now had solely for her.

I gripped her t-shirt, jerking her inside my room. We stood face to face in front of the door, neither of us talking as my breathing picked up. I captured her lips with my teeth, biting harshly, before I tasted her, getting my fill. Her lips were completely responsive to mine as she took back with a greedy tongue before I pulled away.

“This isn’t a game, Dallas,” I mumbled, holding her lip between my teeth before I let it go.

“Seems like fun to me,” she said in a whisper, her eyes beckoning me. She was avoiding our connection purposefully and was refusing to let me in. She had turned the tables, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

“Okay, Dallas, you want to do the fuck between friends thing, I’ll treat you like every other girl. Which means this,” I said, leaning over as I lifted her skirt up and ran my fingers along the top of her panties, “is mine and you will do exactly what I tell you to for as long as I tell you to, got it?” She nodded yes, her eyes filling with heat.

I turned her away from me, pressing her forehead against the door. I heard her moan as I licked the nape of her neck and my fingers found her ready and willing. After fumbling with a condom, I was buried inside her, thrusting hard.

“This is what you want, Dally?” I questioned, pounding into her as her nails clawed the door, grappling for something to hold on to.

“God, yes, Dean. Don’t stop!”

“This is all you want from me!” I lashed out, angry at how incredible she felt.

“Please...please don’t stop,” she begged.

“So you like being fucked?” I bit out, slamming into her, harder, deeper as I pistoned my hips.

“I like you fucking me, Dean. Don’t...stop!”

I made it a slow, torturous punishment as I repeatedly stopped her from letting go every time she was on the brink.

“Let me come, Dean.”

“No!”

“Let me come!”

“NO!”

She bent over further, making my reach deeper, meeting my thrust. I cursed as she tightened around me, coming hard and screaming my name. A heartbeat later, my orgasm spilled into her as I grabbed her. We slumped onto the ground, gasping for air. We both lay there half-dressed, thoroughly fucked, and panting. We didn’t speak as we caught our breath, our eyes locked. I sat up after a few moments, shaking my head as I mumbled, “I never wanted to just fuck you, Dallas.”

“Let it go, Dean. I am not the girl you think I am,” she fired back.

“You are exactly who I think you are...You are the girl who cleaned my house when I had an out of control party and passed out and was too sick to clean it for myself.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

“You are the girl who literally talked my best friend off a ledge when he caught his girl cheating.”

“Nolan was one of my best friends, too, Dean.”

“You are the girl who picked me up every single day for school when I broke my leg on the senior trip.”

“Yeah, I’m that girl. If you want to show me you care for me be there for me always and don’t hold this against me. I did a lot of that stuff because I had a horrible crush on you, it seems silly now, don’t you think? You’ve screwed half the girls on campus. It’s just not realistic for you and me to be a couple, but I want you, Dean. I can’t help it and I know you want me, too.”

“Not this way,” I snapped then pulled my pants up. Her words crushed me. I had no idea how to come back from that.

“Dean? Come on! This isn’t fair. I waited for you for a year in high school. You never made a move. I got over it, now you are going to hold it against me for feelings you refused to show me you had?”

“You were barely sixteen and that sick fuck Reiner obviously didn’t have a problem with it, but I did. I couldn’t be physical with you and live with myself. I wanted you so badly, but if I had touched you, I knew it would have been the end of me. You weren’t ready, Dallas.” I sat against the door, my knees drawn up and forearms sitting on top of them. “You were way too young for anything serious, and I couldn’t handle the age difference, period.”

She looked completely stunned, as if I could knock her over with a feather.

“I spent three years crying over you, Dean Martin, wondering what in the hell I had done that was so bad to lose you. I thought it was Reiner and you are telling me you cared for me so much you had to stay away?”

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.” My heart was pounding as I laid it in her hands.

“Bullshit,” she said, sliding her panties on and picking up her bag. “I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure when you care for someone you don’t abandon them and make them think they aren’t important. You tell them how much they mean to you, you touch them, you...you let them know you care...and you don’t fuck everyone they know and never speak to them again.”

“Is that what this is about? Who I’ve slept with?” I already knew the answer.

She pulled her skirt down and thought only briefly before facing me. “Maybe...High school, now here. I can’t go one day without hearing what an amazing fuck you are. I mean...how can I take you seriously?” She grabbed her bag and turned toward me as I sat still blocking the door. “At least I have first-hand knowledge now.”

“Dallas, look at me,” I said, commanding her attention. She slowly looked down at me, a cloud of hurt covering her face. “It stops now. I only want you.”

“I am pretty much the only one left, aren’t I?”

“Stop it. I haven’t slept with half of the women you think I have.” It was true, my reputation had proceeded me. But I was still guilty, and it was hurting her again.

“Well, we all have our dirty secrets, right?”

“I know everything, Dallas,” I said, tugging her hand from the floor so she was forced to look at me. I pulled myself to my feet. She pulled at the door and I closed it, shaking my head no. She let out a frustrated breath as she paced in front of me. “I know that you dated Johnny Rivers your entire junior year and never slept with him. I know you went to prom with Michael Morehouse senior year and broke his nose that night because he cornered Rose at an after party. I know you went to summer school to retake classes and bring up your GPA. I know that you smoked pot in the steam room on your senior trip in Florida. I know that you damn near drown in Lake Grapevine drinking with friends on the 4th of July. I know the car you drove, the guys you dated, and of two you left broken hearted over the summer. I also know the very fucking minute you got into that car to come here and the reason I know is because I asked. And the reason I fucking asked is because I had to know because I couldn’t wait for you to get back to me.”

My heart was pounding out of control as she let out a hard breath of disbelief, mouth gaping. Twin tears slid down her face as she studied me, absorbing my words. I scooped her into my arms, declaring to her what I’d wanted to for as long as I’d known her.

“I love you, Dallas. I just couldn’t do a damn thing about it until now.”

"You are romantic and beautiful but you are completely reckless with the people that love you"  - Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Now

Five cold showers due to Dean’s kiss and a temper tantrum with my wayward hair later, I was dressing for the Dallas Memorial fundraiser. All doctors unscheduled were asked firmly to attend and I knew I would see Dean tonight. It took me hours to attempt to pick out a dress only to throw on some clothes and spend close to a thousand dollars on a new one. It was a deep purple that hugged my torso perfectly and flowed loosely around the bottom. It had a deep V in back, complemented with small, black rhinestones. I got a quick wax and had spent another hundred getting an unnecessary facial. I would have to eat TV dinners for a month to make up for it. I was saving every spare dime I had to open my practice.

I was still furious with my inability to keep Dean’s touch out of my thoughts when Josh came in, dressed to perfection, then nuzzled my bare back. I pulled out of his grasp.

“What the hell?” he questioned, eyeing me carefully.

“This...fucking...hairdryer!” I said, throwing it down and watching the plastic pieces fly all over the floor.

“I guess you showed it who’s boss,” he said, his laughter echoing throughout my tiny bathroom.

“Will you get out! Just get out!” I said, shoving him out the door, half-animated, half-frustrated out of my mind.

“Jeez, I’ll get you some wine,” he said, backing up, his eyes wide.

“I’m sorry,” I offered in an apology. “Wine would be good, thanks.”

Damn it!

I shut the door behind him and slumped down on my toilet lid, breathing in deep.

I knew exactly why I was falling apart. I had no right to take my frustration out on Josh. In the last month I had lost my damn mind. If I was a mess when Dean walked into my appointment, I was a total basket case at this point. I'd spent the last seven years re-imagining my life—a life without him—and strengthening the woman he left behind. I had to protect myself...my heart from ever being that vulnerable again. He was ruining me by being here, and now I was more than tempted to let him do so.

The way I had always been when it came to Dean.

The way I always feared I would be.

Dallas

Now

“God, you are beautiful. I can’t wait to get you back home,” Josh murmured, grabbing my hand and kissing it before putting it back in my lap. He pulled up to the hotel and gave the valet his keys, keeping his hands on me the entire time we checked in. The thoughts swirling through my head had me at the bar minutes later. I took in my surroundings and was doing my best to answer Josh without being curt as he spoke to me, when all I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts. I was working on my third martini when I heard a familiar laugh behind me. I kept my eyes zeroed in on Josh as every nerve in my body stood at attention.

“They did a great job,” Josh noted of the décor and catering. One of our first dates had been attending this same event last year. We’d had a great time and left barely clothed and racing to his apartment. We never went to sleep. Tonight I could barely look at him without feeling guilty for the kiss I had participated in. I was a lot of things, but I was not a cheater...well, until that morning. I had kissed him back. And I would never recover from the way it felt.

“Dallas,” I heard Beatrice address me and turned to smile at her, catching a glimpse of Dean behind her. He was looking right at me as I caught his gaze at a table adjacent to the bar. Miranda was planted next to him, whispering in his ear. He looked breathtaking in a classic black tuxedo. I quickly greeted Beatrice back and threw my arms around her awkwardly. She was a saving grace as she hugged me back fiercely with a chuckle.

“Still pretending you don’t care, huh, baby?” she whispered in my ear as I backed away and changed the subject. “Beatrice, you know Josh,” I murmured, looking up to see his eyes connected with Dean’s. Josh hadn’t missed his eyes on me. His glare was apparent and I nudged him when he didn’t reply.

“Beatrice,” he said, a forced smile crossing his lips before shifting his gaze away from Dean to look at her, “you look beautiful.”

She looked up at him and waved off his compliment. “This old dress has seen better days.”

“Are you here with anyone?” I asked, though the answer was obvious.

“No, my Roy died a few years back. Heart attack. He was too young,” she said sadly. “I always told him if he died on me before we hit thirty years, I was a free agent, and wouldn’t you know he died three days before our anniversary. Men ...” She chuckled softly as I studied her masked pain.

“What are you having?” Josh asked as he waved to the bartender.

“What any woman has at these fancy things: champagne.” She winked at him as he busied himself with her order.

“My, my, my child, I see number one is looking pretty damn good tonight. Now where is number two.” She quickly skimmed the crowd until her eyes landed on Dean. “What I wouldn’t give to be in your predicament. Those two could eat crackers in my bed anytime.” I spit out a small amount of martini as I laughed loudly. “Beatrice!” I scolded, half-heartedly. “What in the hell, woman! Aren’t these two a little different than your taste?” I said carefully.

“Honey, I love me a good, strong white man with a bad attitude. You’ve never seen a picture of my Roy.” She laughed, wrapping her arm around me. “When you’re done with this one here, let a sister know,” she teased as she grabbed the champagne from Josh and winked at him.

Beatrice is a cougar and a freak. Who knew?

“What are you two talking about?” Josh said, wrapping his arm around my waist as I stood up to start our mingling. Technically, we were obligated to do more than enjoy the free food and drinks. We were expected to engage in conversation to try to get more donations. I gripped Beatrice’s arm. “You coming with me?”

“Hell no. I only get invited to these damn things because they want to make it known the hospital is diverse in their hiring.”

“Surely you don’t think th—”

“The hell I don’t,” she said before taking a sip of champagne. “Some things never change, baby, but I’m on this ride until the end. Now go away so I can find me a white, hot, rich man to keep me company. You’re cramping my style.” I looked up to Josh, who shook his head, smiling. He grabbed my elbow to lead the way. We spent the better part of the next hour talking to several possible contributors. I spotted Dr. Pierce, who gave me a brief smile and a nod before turning back to his conversation. I wondered how that was going and if the person on the other end of it was inwardly cringing.

Another bout of laughter brought my attention to Dean’s table. I rolled my eyes at the amount of people gathered there. It was like high school and college all over again. But now, in the scenario where he was amongst my peers, I was infuriated. It was the same pattern: woman fawning all over him. His declaration that he wanted me to be his. History was repeating itself, and I was determined to change that. I circled the room furiously, rallying donations and refusing to join in with the table that seemed to be having the most fun. Josh grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor, and I wrapped my arms around him tightly, refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You are not having a good time. Why don’t we just leave?” I looked up to see him studying me. He seemed irritated, and I couldn’t help my aggravation.

“It’s a work thing. It’s not supposed to be fun,” I said crossly.

“Babe, look, you’ve been on edge all day. You’ve swallowed more vodka tonight than you should be able to handle. It wasn’t like this last year,” he said, leaning in, wrapping his arms low on my waist, his thumb sliding back and forth across my bare back. I leaned in and kissed him. It wasn’t a light kiss. I gave it my all as I thrust my tongue into his mouth, feeling him respond immediately with his. The couples were entertained with their own dancing, but I could not have cared less if the world saw us. Josh and I were good together, really good. I needed to see it. I needed to feel it. When our kiss ended, Josh pulled away, his eyes dancing and his erection brushing against my stomach.

“You better back that up when we get home,” he warned as he leaned in again. “I can’t even tell you how good you feel. How much I want you.” I nodded as he whispered the words to me and tears sprang to my eyes. I held him close so he couldn’t see and faked a laugh so anyone watching wouldn’t have a clue that I was falling apart inside. When the song was over, Josh led me back to the bar.

“One more?” he asked with a laugh. “Are you sure you can handle it?” I nodded, no longer able to keep from scanning the crowd. I spotted Beatrice on the dance floor with a younger attractive man and burst out laughing at how odd they looked.

“What’s so funny?” Dean said, stepping into my line of vision and filling it with his tux-clad body. On his right stood Miranda, who looked beautiful in a floor length black gown, and was studying him as if he hung the moon.

“Miranda, Dean, how are you? Having fun?” I inquired, thankful when Josh was almost instantly by my side, handing me a fresh martini.

“Here, babe,” he interrupted, holding me tightly to him.

“We are. How are you, Josh?” Dean replied extending his hand. Josh stiffened next to me but didn’t hesitate to shake it. “I’m good Dean, thanks.”

“Joshua Stephenson!” Miranda exclaimed in a squeak. Josh studied her briefly before beaming a smile of recognition her way. “Miranda, how are you?”

They both looked incredulous, and I knew then they had a history. I rolled my eyes, downing my martini, and saw Dean’s lips curl into a sly grin as he gauged my reaction.

“It’s been...my God, how long has it been?” she said, wrapping her claws around my boyfriend and planting a firm kiss on his lips. I took a step away as they studied each other and started to reminisce. I shook my head at the ceiling of the ballroom.

Son of a bitch!

The next twenty minutes were an exchange of ‘remember that time’...as Dean and I stood there, humoring their reunion by smiling and nodding. Josh held me closely, entertaining her and eyeing Dean and I at the same time. Apparently, they had been high school sweethearts and it was almost impossible to stop my gag when she called him ‘Joshy’.

“You look beautiful,” Dean offered as I ripped away from Josh’s side to order another martini. I was going to pay like hell for this tomorrow. “Thanks, Dean.” I said dryly doing whatever I could to discourage him.

“He hates me,” Dean observed, his breath hitting my ear with his admission. Josh’s watchful eyes darted over to us and I damn near jumped out of my skin until Dean grabbed his drink from the bar next to me and pulled back. “He should hate me,” Dean said, amused as he took a long pull of his scotch.

I turned on him, my words full of spite. “And why is that, because you had your tongue in my mouth this morning?” I said casually so those around us wouldn’t catch on.

“No, because I want it in your mouth right now. Tell me, Dallas, did he kiss you as well on that dance floor as I did earlier?” My mouth dried quickly as I choked down a sip of vodka.

“Go to hell,” I said, furious.

“You’re drunk.” He chuckled as he studied me. I took a few swallows of my drink despite him.

“We aren’t kids anymore, Dean. Did it ever occur to you I might just be kissing him for my own benefit?” I said, eyes wide and mocking, my mini me putting up her boxing gloves in the corner of my mind. My vagina screamed at me that I wouldn’t feel a thing tonight, or any night if I didn’t stop drinking.

“No,” he answered quickly, “you never really have played fair, have you?” His voice was filled with ice as I looked over to see Miranda inching closer to Josh.

“Your date is getting awful cozy with my boyfriend, Dean,” I noted as he kept his focus on me.

“I didn’t come with her,” he admitted easily.

“Oh,” I said absently, the pressure in my head easing slightly. It was official, I was hitting the inevitable wall one hits when they have had an asinine amount of vodka. I was going down, and I was going fast.

“Well, just so you know,” I said, my head now resembling what I was sure was a bobble head, “I hate that your home. I hate that you’re here,” I hissed as I pushed his chest with my finger. “You are the same arrogant, conceited, imposing bastard you have always been. And this whole thing you do with everyone around you, like you’re some gift...makes me sick,” I slurred as his eyebrows rose higher and higher with every word.

“Wow, tell me how you really feel,” he said, taking my martini out of my hand and setting it on the bar next to me.

“You are not everything you think you are...You...hurt,” I said shakily. “You hurt the people who care about you.”

I watched his face fall as he took in my words. “What are you going to do when she falls for you, Dean? Huh?” I pointed to Miranda. “Let her down gently? Are you going to abandon her when she declares her love? Is that what you did to your fiancée?”

“Yep, you’re wasted,” he said, motioning for Josh.

“And I’m right,” I snapped, motioning for Josh myself. He came quickly.

“Go get the car. I’ll bring her to you,” Dean said as Josh approached.

“What’s going on?” he demanded as he looked my way. I shrugged my shoulders and had to take a step back and lean against the bar to keep from falling to my knees.

“Oh, shit, babe,” he looked at Dean for a second, as if he was going to argue but then told him. “She won’t last much longer. Don’t let them see her like this. Give me four minutes.” Dean nodded as I turned to address him.

“Really, I’m fine—”

Dean grabbed my arm and started walking. I followed him, determined to make it to the hotel entrance. This was...bad.

“Fuck, Dally, I don’t think I’ve ever been so pissed off at you,” he hissed in my ear as we passed through the ballroom doors. “I’ll forgive you for what you said to me...eventually. But what the hell do you really know?”

“I know you want what you can’t have,” I said heatedly as he came to a halt in the lobby.

He moved in front of me then pulled me to his chest, his face twisted in fury as my head began to spin. I sucked in a breath at the intensity of his stare. He was close, too close. His eyes burned into me, making my lips part on a silent gasp. He towered over me as I felt his body tremble in anger. I studied his strong dark brows, perfectly sculpted face, and full lips. I wanted him in that moment more than I wanted anything in a long time. “I’m going to make up my mind on exactly how much of this shit I intend to swallow, and I have a feeling it won’t be much more.”

I ripped myself away from his embrace. He refused my retreat, grabbing my arms and holding them behind my back with one hand, his lips inches from mine, his stare murderous. A slow burn started inside me and quickly spread as I watched him. His expression turned smug as he read my reaction to him. I twisted against him, my body betraying me. Angry with the sudden need to give in, I quickly started rambling. “Do yourself a favor, old buddy. Go fu—”

He pressed his fingers to my mouth, muting my words. “You loved me once, Dallas Whitaker. You loved me and I loved you.” His eyes beckoned me for acknowledgement, and when I remained quiet, he cursed, dragged me outside, and practically threw me in Josh’s passenger seat.

“Have a great night, Dally. It was memorable,” Dean said, leaning over me to buckle my seat belt. Tears threatened as I inhaled his scent and studied his profile, every fiber of my being leaning in toward him. He addressed Josh next. “She’s all yours,” he bit out before glaring at me again, slamming my door before heading back inside. The next few hours were a blur of porcelain and cold showers and then I finally got to drift to the place I’d been praying to visit all day: darkness.

Dean

Then

“What?” She grinned.

“Nothing.” I grinned back.

She was sitting opposite of me on our dilapidated, pea green couch, perched Indian style with a pen cap in her mouth. Luckily, we were alone. It was Saturday after all and my militant girlfriend had insisted we spend it studying.

“Well, now that you have taken my attention away from my studies, Dr. Martin, you have to tell me.”

“No, I don’t,” I taunted, holding her socked foot in my lap, my thumb making slow, deliberate circles on the skin of her ankle. “I love it when you call me doctor.”

“Well, you might get the title first, but we both know I’ll wipe the floor with your ass in recognition and publication. Now stop,” she said, jerking her foot away from me. “I need to study.”

“What a completely unsupportive and bullshit statement. Don’t be jealous, Dallas. There’s room for both of us.”

“Hmph, have you chosen your specialty yet?” I ignored her as I resumed my slow, seductive torture. I would get her back for it my way, which would be her begging for mercy beneath me.

“I didn’t think so.” She looked back down at her book with a small smile on her lips, trying to ignore the effect I had on her.

We’d spent the last month hitting the books and exhausting each other in bed. I couldn’t get enough of her, and I knew she felt the same. Most nights, she would finish class then head over to the frat house to cook huge meals for the guys. She was a horrible cook and none of us had the heart to tell her, instead choosing to scarf down her offering. They were more than helpful with her in the kitchen, and even more appreciative after, but I was learning to ignore it. I’d made it very clear she belonged to me, and they gave us hell as they chanted some of the things they had heard through the walls.

Classless.

I’d thought about renting an apartment so we could spend the rest of my last year in peace, but Dallas insisted it didn’t matter and she actually liked hanging with the guys. And she was right, she fit. We fit, and I couldn’t have imagined it any better. Even her bitchy roommate Cammie would make an appearance at the frat house once in a while. I only humored her because she seemed protective of Dallas, which made her my ally.

I raked my fingertips softly up her legs, underneath her sweats, and she batted my hand away.

“I’ll leave,” she warned as I crawled toward her.

“It’s Saturday, Dr. Whitaker,” I murmured, gripping the side of the couch as I hovered above her. She slunk down into the cushion, hiding her smile.

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Dean. I have a test Monday!” Her words were exasperated, but her heaving chest told me all I needed to know. I leaned down and took her lips in a slow kiss. She pushed the book that was laying on her chest to the floor.

“You’re an animal,” she said between kisses, pulling my shirt over my head. I shut her up with my tongue and she caught it, sucking hard. My already hard dick twitched in appreciation. I pulled back to gaze down at her.

“I’m your animal.”

“Finally.”

“Spaniard!” I heard Dallas call from across the quad. I laughed as I watched her running toward me. “Spaniard, I did it!”

She made a beeline for me, a single piece of paper in her hand. She didn’t slow as she approached, hurling herself at me, landing on me with enough force to knock me off my feet. I felt the thud in my back as she straddled my hips, kissing my face mercilessly.

“Yes, Dallas?” I said with a chuckle as her lips rained repeated kisses over my face.

“I did it, Spaniard. I aced it!”

“And this surprises you why?” I looked around as people stopped to gape at us. Dallas ignored them. All she saw was me.

“I thought I was going to have to break up with you.”

I sat up, gripping the sides of her head. “What?” I forced her to look at me, panic shooting through my every limb.

“Yeah, I was worried you were too much of a distraction. Too much sex. Just altogether a horrible influence. You know I would have to get rid of you and start dating a mathlete. Someone a little more serious about his education.”

I pushed her off my lap as she fell to the grass chuckling. It was starting to get colder and I slipped my freezing hand under her sweater, making her scream out.

“Funny, Dallas. Always trying to bring out the angry Spaniard in me.”

“Well,” she said, pressing her lips to mine, “you can put him away. You’re safe for now.”

Pushing her hair back from her face, I leaned in. “Mathlete? Please don’t insult me and aim a little higher.”

“Okay, well, there is this one guy in pre-law. I may be able to look over the fact that he wears socks with sandals. I mean, after all, my boyfriend dresses like he belongs in the tabernacle choir.”

A month later, I was waiting for her to finish packing for Thanksgiving break. We were going home to spend time with our parents, and for the first time, we were officially together.

We both carried our class load with ease, the same goal in mind. I admired her when she pushed me out of her doorway for some much-needed catch up or sleep. When she’d finally let her guard down enough to completely let me in, she mirrored my behavior in affection. I hadn’t heard the words cross her lips, and was being patient about it. I’d never thought myself a romantic fool before. I’d never had to be, never wanted to be, until her.

She was still my spitfire in every way, constantly challenging me with her sharp tongue and as persistent as ever to bring out the angry Spaniard in me, which she did often. I loved every minute of it.

I loved her.

I watched as her and Cammie went back and forth as she finished packing, Cammie eyeing me suspiciously. She was a pill. A few of my frat buddies had attempted a shot at her, but were quickly shut down. She seemed to have a stick up her ass that gave the effect of a bowlegged stance. She was a cute girl, just not cute enough for the amount of bullshit one would have to endure to date her. She held some sort of grudge and it was obvious. Dallas rolled her eyes at me in jest as Cammie went on and on about her last date. She seemed to want my opinion as she eyed me every other sentence. I offered nothing. I just wanted to get my girl alone and no sooner had she shut her suitcase did I take her hand, hauling her out the door after a quick hug with Cammie.

“You don’t like her.” Dallas chuckled as I dragged her down the set of stairs leading out of her dorm.

“I wouldn’t say that,” I denied, carrying her ten ton bag through the quad toward the parking lot.

“No, you wouldn’t,” she smarted back.

“Let’s go home, spitfire,” I said, giving her a smile as we closed our car doors.

“Spitfire?” she questioned with a smile. “I think I like it.”

“You would,” I chuckled, starting the car as Dean Martin’s greatest hits played in the background. I held her hand the entire five hours to Dallas as she rattled on about the medical practice her and Rose had decided to open. Rose would be a surgeon. She was excited when she spoke about it, in a way that told me that any hopes I had of her joining me in New York were premature. She had planned her future as well and as far as I could tell, I wasn’t a part of it.

Looking over at her as she spoke animatedly, I decided to change that. The crippling fear in my chest told me I had to.

We’d spent our first day at her house catching up with her family. I watched Rose and Dallas interact, completely different this time around. Rose was now fifteen and seemed to have a little hero worship for her big sister. It was a far cry from the Tom and Jerry act I was used to when it came to them. They seemed closer, and spent a good amount of time whispering. Rose, true to her no bullshit nature, brought up our relationship status in front of the entire family, including their older brother Paul, who had always threatened no less than death if I touched his sister.

“So you two finally hooked up,” Rose said without apology as Dallas spit out her salad and glared at her.

Her mother was the first to speak up. “About time.” She winked with an added smile.

“It could have waited longer,” her father said pointedly at me. I coughed and swallowed my entire beer as his lips twitched with a smile. I had a deep respect for Seth Whitaker. I only felt slightly guilty for the misconduct I had planned for the next few days. She was finally mine and not even he could dampen that fact.

“All of you shut up or we are staying at Dean’s until the end of break,” Dallas said with an apologetic smile at me. I simply shook my head and grinned. Seth replaced my beer and I knew then, it was all in jest.

I felt at home with them all as we watched the Cowboys get their asses kicked and we collectively yelled at the screen. Dallas sat next to me, my arm around her shoulders, her legs tucked beneath her. Halfway through the game, I caught her eyeing me, the look on her face bringing me back to a time when I wasn’t able to tell her how I felt. She didn’t shy away from being caught. She simply smiled, her eyes telling me all I needed to know. I took full advantage now as her beautiful, green gaze caused an explosion in my chest.

I leaned in slowly, eyes locked on hers before I whispered in her ear. “When you look at me that way, baby, I feel invincible. Nothing else fucking matters...nothing. I love you, Dallas.” I saw the sting of tears as she kept her eyes on mine and I backed away slowly as she nodded into my chest, wrapping her arms around me tightly. An angry scream at the TV shook us both out of the moment. It might have been broken, but it lingered between us, ever-present, the energy pulsing around letting us know we were right. We got it right with each other. I held her tighter to me as she laughed at her father who threw an entire bowl of pretzels at the TV, and her mother cursed him and the Cowboys for his ill mood.

At my house, Dallas spent a few hours helping my mother in the kitchen as she drilled her incessantly on whether or not I was being a good boy. I rolled my eyes and was smacked on the back of the head as my mother explained to Dallas that a good turkey was covered in butter underneath the skin. She never missed an opportunity to teach. Dallas glared at me as I prompted her to pay close attention. My father reacquainted himself with Dallas and questioned her while letting his eyes drift to me every so often. He knew how I felt about her, as did my mother. It was obvious and had always been. I didn’t have to say a word. I could see the small amount of worry he held for the future we had planned together. He never cornered me, not once asking me if my plans were changing. He was letting me handle it the way he often did, on my own. I loved that about him. He trusted me, and though I was a lot like him in some respects, he also catered to the side that had nothing to do with him. Honestly, I think he was just as smitten with Dallas. She was a hard girl to resist. I should know.

She made me feel superior to other men just by breathing my name.

After the turkey had been devoured, at not one but both our houses, we separated, reluctantly. Dallas had left my parents with leftovers at my mother’s insistence, though Dallas repeatedly told her they had far too many at her own house.

I was settling in for a long night without her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what little time I had left with her. How everything would change the minute I left for New York. She had seven years left to my four. It seemed impossible. I would never ask her to give it up, and there laid the problem. She would never ask that of me either. It was our common goal that threatened to tear us apart.

I heard a scrape at my window but ignored it. A few seconds later, I heard a lot of the same and looked out my bedroom window jerking it open in alarm. “Dean!” Dallas was sliding down the shingles of the roof near hysterics, gripping them for dear life. I opened the window just in time to catch one arm before she fell off the roof and broke her neck.

“What in the hell are you doing?” I asked as she cried into my shoulder, shaken up from her near face plant with the concrete. She shook violently as I consoled her. I paused and twisted her to look at me. Her tears had turned into laughter, the laugh I loved where it was about to burst out of her. I clamped my hand over her mouth just in time to catch it and shoved us both in a closet. Her howling wouldn’t stop as I did my best to silence her. I didn’t know how my parents would react to finding her in the house, my mother being the most imminent threat. I finally gave up my struggle to keep control, picturing her out there grasping at straws and started laughing hard as well. We stood there for five minutes in a dark closet before she finally slowed enough to speak.

“Well, that sooo did not go how I pictured it,” she said. With tears in her eyes, we exited the dark space and stepped into the bedroom.

“That was fucking ridiculous and dangerous,” I scorned, shaking my head, unable to hide my chuckle. “What the hell were you thinking?” I grabbed her hands, which were cut pretty badly and walked over to get a cold washcloth. I wiped them clean and started to work out a splinter in her palm.

“I came here,” she said, her voice now shaking with nervousness. Her jade eyes were shimmering with emotion, and I stilled my hand. “I came here to tell you I love you too, always have.”

I smiled. “I know.” Elation seeped through my every pore as her face fell into a frown.

She shot up out of the bed, yanking her hand away and pointing at the window. “I damn near bit the pavement out there and all you have to say is I know?” She now had her torn up hands on the hips of her yoga pants, pants I had repeatedly told her I despised. The attire typical for Texas this time of year and her hair was a misted mess from the threat of rain. She’d never looked more beautiful.

“Sè cuando le estoy hablando a mi otra mitad. Siempre lo he sabido. Mi amor”

“Dean Jeffrey Martin, I don’t speak Spanish!” she said in a harsh whisper.

“I know,” I said mischievously as I joined her at the window. I reached in and tasted her lips, all the protest slipping from her as I repeated what I’d just said so she understood. “I know when I’m speaking to the other half of me. I’ve always known, my love.”

There was a whoosh of air as her lips puffed out. “That night I—” I pressed my finger to her lips.

I knew what she was asking about. She was wondering what I said the night of Reiner’s party. “It was more of the same.”

She suddenly looked guilty and I refused to entertain it. As far as I was concerned, she was always mine. “Dean,” she offered but I silenced her with my kiss and took her to my bed where I took her twice, saying words she couldn’t translate and making her understand them, anyway.

Dallas

Now

I woke up with a headache I would classify as terminal. I had a water bottle in my hand and once the contents had been drained, I looked over to my right to see Josh sleeping peacefully. I stumbled from his bed, desperately seeking to fill the bottle and only made it as far as the bathroom and stubbed my toe on his cabinet door.

“Son of a bitch!” I declared to the cabinet as I pushed through the pain and put my bottle under the faucet for a refill. I was downing my third bottle when Josh came in and stood in the doorway, reaching up to brace himself on the frame.

“Nice,” he said, chuckling as he watched me struggle with my jeans, my bare ass to him.

“How could you let me drink that much? No, no, it’s my fault,” I said, barely able to get the words out. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Do you still like me?” I said, barely able to look at him.

“I won’t bother with a play-by-play, but you were the worst case scenario. Seriously, woman, you cannot handle your alcohol. And you made me plug in your phone and blare old school Snoop Dog the entire way home.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, my God,” I said, burying my head in my hands.

“You also ate an entire box of Captain Crunch and forced me to watch The Notebook,” he said, his smile faltering. “That was unforgivable.”

“Oh, shit, Josh. Really—”

“No, no, you can’t take it back, Dallas.” He chuckled. “And I won’t forget it.”

“Great, I thought you said you weren’t going to give me a play-by-play.”

“I lied. Kinda like you did...Dally,” he said, his tone changing. I looked up to see him turn and walk out of the bathroom. He must have heard Dean call me Dally.

Shit. Well, if the hangover doesn’t kill me, guilt might. I should just convert to Catholicism.

“Josh, look,” I started, seeing him crawl back in bed.

“Who is he to you?” he asked, leaning back and clasping his hands behind his head.

“My past. Just some guy from my past and nothing more.”

“Hmph,” he said, rolling over with his back to me.

“Come on, babe, don’t do this to me. I’m dying,” I said, approaching the bed, willing to beg.

“You never call me babe. You are so guilty,” he said, lifting his arm to indicate I was welcome back in bed. I quickly crawled under the covers and drifted back to sleep. I woke up with a start, seeing I had just enough time to brush my teeth and fly to work to make rounds.

“Josh!” I said, screaming through his apartment with my bag in hand. He handed me a coffee in a paper cup just as his cell phone alarm went off. “You had almost half an hour, Dallas. I wasn’t about to let you sleep in.” He chuckled as I kissed him, thanking him profusely, then walked out the door.

I sat in my car, sipping my designer coffee, feeling more determined about the man I should be concentrating on.

You love Josh.

“Good morning,” Dr. Peirce said half-heartedly as I approached him. He apparently had had a little too much to drink last night as well, and we both winced at the sun streaming through the blinds of the room of our first patient.

“Dallas,” he said, catching me off guard. I quickly read off her chart.

“Jeanie Santos, thirty-three, appendectomy scheduled this afternoon.” The words were like cotton balls in my mouth. I tried to wade my way through rounds, and when they were over, I hid in my office for the majority of the day, glaring at anyone who interrupted my inner dialogue of self-loathing. I jumped from half-sleep to awake when my phone vibrated on my desk.

ROSE: Dallas! Are you there?

DALLAS: No.

ROSE: Come on, sis, I have great news.

DALLAS: I don’t care.

ROSE: God, what now?

DALLAS: Stop screaming.

ROSE: I told you never to drink again. I can only imagine the pain of your victims today. I will pray for them. Did you sing to anyone? That’s the worst. Oh, God, please don’t tell me you played DJ.

DALLAS: Is there a reason why you are still texting me?

ROSE: I’m getting married.

I texted back quickly, sure she was joking.

DALLAS: Great, to who?

I got a text of her now occupied ring finger then called her immediately.

“What the hell do you mean you are getting married!” I yelled into the phone as I grabbed my forehead and squeezed it.

“Grant asked, I said yes. Oh, my God, Dallas, I have so much to tell you,” she said happily, and I heard her shushing someone in the background.

“Is that him? Is he there? You can’t just get engaged to a man you barely know, Rose. That’s crazy. You are smarter than this!” I pleaded. I could practically see her rolling her eyes at me. Rose wasn’t a rash person, not in the slightest. I was sure at any second she would tell me she was joking.

“Dallas, you will meet him very soon. Please, please, listen to me. I’m happy. So, so happy. Let me be happy.” I nodded as I closed my eyes tightly.

“Dallas?”

“I was nodding. Of course I’m happy for you. I know you aren’t an idiot. I just...can’t believe it.” I sat in my chair, staring at the ceiling. My little sister was getting married.

“This won’t affect the practice, okay? We are going to stay here. Grant has some land and we are going to build a house. It’s so beautiful. I have so much to tell you.”

“I’m not worried about the practice, and yes I want you to be happy,” I said, tears sliding down my cheeks. I was crying...again. “Be happy. I’m off in two days, make time for me.”

“I promise...bye.” And she was gone. I buried my head in my arms and silently cried at my desk, for my sister, for my head, for the absolute disaster I made of my relationship, and for the mourning of the semi-normal and professional doctor who had suddenly abandoned post the minute Dean Martin waltzed into her hospital. I ended up dozing off and woke to a familiar male voice.

“Dallas.” I looked up to see Dean standing in my doorway. He looked alert and freshly showered. His clothes were neatly pressed and there wasn’t a hair out of place. I noted how his purple tie made his eyes pop.

I swallowed the sand in my throat. “I’m sorry. For whatever I said, for whatever I did, I’m sorry, okay? I just can’t battle it out with you right now,” I pleaded as I dropped my head back into the safety of my arms.

“Dallas, I need your help,” he said quietly. “I’m still pissed at you, and trust me I would ask anyone else to help me, but this situation is personal. Can you help me?”

I looked up to see the worry on his face and pushed my own selfish crap aside immediately. I couldn’t remember a time this man had ever asked me for anything. I nodded quickly.

“What is it?”

“I need you to come somewhere with me tomorrow. I’ll explain everything on the way. Will you come? Can you get your shift covered?” he asked while sending a text.

“Yes, sure,” I answered, wanting to comfort him somehow. He nodded as he read a text then looked up at me. “Try to lay off the vodka tonight. I need you alert tomorrow.”

“Yeah, yeah. And, Dean, I know I said—”

“You said what you meant,” he said, finally giving me his full attention. His stare was distant and it instantly hurt me. I was familiar with distant.

“I was drunk and angry,” I defended. “And you just barreled—”

“Look, we can talk tomorrow, okay? I’ll pick you up early at your place.” He picked up my phone and programmed his number in. “Text me your address.”

“Okay,” I said, taking my phone back quickly. He nodded then walked out without another word.

What in the hell?

Dean

Then

Seven months later, I stood waiting nervously on the porch of the frat house. I was more nervous than I’d ever been waiting on Dallas as I stood underneath the banner my frat brothers had tactlessly made stating “Dallas’s Ass is Twenty.” I rolled my eyes as people passed me to enter the house for her party. She would show up at any minute. I wiped the sweat from my brow. Summer making an early appearance in the middle of spring wasn’t helping my case. This kind of nervous didn’t need the assistance of Texas heat. Just as I pulled my phone out to text her, she appeared, looking beautiful as she took in her banner with a loud laugh.

“Awwwe, they even spelled it correctly,” she said as she joined me on the porch.

“At least you know it wasn’t me. Happy birthday, baby,” I murmured, pulling her to me in a long slow kiss.

“Wow,” she said, breaking away. “Way to go, Martin. I’m a sure thing after that kiss.” She looked beautiful in a pink, sleeveless dress, her hair down, the way I loved it. She looked on at me as I fell speechless then pulled her to the side of the house, trying desperately to make the words I’d carefully rehearsed come out. I ended up pacing for several seconds as she eyed me. She said nothing as she stayed quietly confused.

“So, this has been great. You and me finally together,” I said, deciding to just go with whatever came out.

“It took you long enough.” She wrinkled her nose. “If I hadn’t thrown myself on your literal throne, who knows how long it would have taken you.”

“I’ve made up for it,” I said, stopping suddenly and grabbing her, nuzzling her neck. She whimpered as she pulled away from me.

“Don’t tempt me, Dean. It took me an hour to get ready.” She wrapped her arms around my neck.

“You look so beautiful. I have always thought you were so perfect,” I said absently, still trying to come up with the right words.

Her smile was dazzling. “What are you up to, Dean?”

I pulled her hand from around my neck and placed the box in it.

“I want more, Dallas. I want you to agree to more.”

“What do you mean?” She gaped as she looked down at the box. It was a little deceptive.

“Open the box,” I choked out, my heart expanding to fill the entirety of my chest.

“No. You are leaving again,” she said, her lip quivering.

I shook my head. “We can worry about that later. Open the box,” I said, smiling as I leaned in, taking her lips gently to keep them from shaking.

When she opened it, I didn’t see relief nor disappointment, though I could feel something else rolling off of her. “It’s beautiful, thank you.”

“It’s the year I make you my wife, Dallas,” I whispered in her ear as she held up her hair so I could clasp the necklace behind her.

She expelled every bit of breath in her lungs as she turned to face me. “Come again?”

“It’s the year we get married,” I insisted, weighing her reaction to the year of the necklace. Her graduation year.

She nodded, grasping the delicate chain, and then her face twisted as her tears came out in a rush.

“You’re leaving,” she heaved out. “I mean, I knew it was coming. I thought I was ready.” She crumbled before me as I rushed to get to her. I actually heard my heart go silent before resuming its pace.

“Look at me,” I said, raising her tearful gaze my way. “It’s a promise from me to you that I’ll come back for you, Dallas.”

“I don’t know if I can do this again,” she said, suddenly looking exhausted. It was if she’d been fighting the looming dread of my departure for too long. There would never be a good time to talk about it. The longer we stayed together, the harder it became.

“Dallas,” I tried again. “I told you when we started this that you meant more to me than just sex. I love you. I want to marry you.”

“I love you, too. I was scared...of this—” she motioned with her hand “—feeling this way.” Now she was the one pacing nervously. “So you want me to wait for you? For three years after you leave?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I want, Dallas, and I’ll wait for you,” I murmured as she tracked the hard wood of the porch.

“And then what? I come to New York when I graduate?”

“I don’t know. We can work it out,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t be that simple. I’d still have a year left.

“It’s too much pressure on us. Let’s just enjoy the night, okay? We’ll talk about it later,” she dismissed as she tried to escape for the party. I gripped her arm, turning her around.

“Too much for who?” I snapped.

“For you, Dean. It’s your track record I’m worried about. And it’s kind of a ridiculous notion.”

Jagged pieces of my heart flew out of my grasp as she threw my proposal away.

“What in the hell are you talking about?” I was furious now, the hurt seeping through my veins, overpowering my intentions. I knew I was out of line. I was panicking.

“It’s three years, not three months,” she reasoned, as if she were talking herself out of it.

“We will see each other. I’ll fly down as much as I can,” I said, knowing that would be next to impossible. I was making promises I couldn’t keep. The pain tore through me as I watched her face contort with the same. We’d avoided this for a reason.

“You fly down as often as you can from medical school?” she asked, calling my bluff. “It’s only going to get harder for me here.”

“You don’t think I’m good enough for you,” I snapped, dropping the hand of hers I was holding to keep her still. “You never have.”

“What? That’s ridiculous. I’m the one who had to compete with half the school, Dean!” she reminded me, the way she did every time we fought, throwing it in my face.

“And you can’t fucking let it go!” I roared, truly angry and hurt. I’d never seen her so upset. It was clear to me we were both exaggerating an argument because we were terrified of losing each other. Our fights were typically fun. This was just plain painful.

I pulled her tightly to me and she resisted at first and then let her tears fall. She looked up at me, helpless. “I brought you here to propose, and I fucked it all up, forgive me.” I kissed her, drawing it out as long as possible to avoid what came next.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dean. I love you. Those words are all I’ve ever wanted to hear. I just can’t deal with how I feel about you and you being gone.” She cried quietly as I watched her. “So what do we do?” No amount of closeness at this point could dull the impending heartbreak for either of us. “It’s been the best year of my life.”

“Mine, too, but we could try. Dallas, say you will try with me,” I pleaded.

“I’ll try,” she whispered, looking up at me, shattered. “What else can I do? But, you have to go. It’s all you have ever wanted. I can’t be the reason for taking it away. I won’t.” She pulled away from me, slapping the moisture from her face in an attempt to be strong.

“I could stay. I’ll stay. I’ll be the reason, Dally. I’ll pick another fucking school. I’ll give it up.” She looked up at me with the most solemn face I’d ever seen on her. “I can’t live with that,” she said quietly.

I saw the possible scenarios running through her mind. She was failing miserably at hiding her unhappiness, her strength faltering as she looked up at me. “You say you’ll come back for me, Dean, then be here the day I graduate. Come back to me then, and I’ll marry you.”

For the first time since the conversation started, I felt a glimmer of hope. “Promise?”

“You have to keep yours first,” she said, her eyes tearful, her words sincere. “Go, Dean. Go be a doctor. I’m right behind you.”

I captured her mouth with mine then pulled away, tracing the outline of the necklace with my fingers while I looked down at her. “I’ll come back for you, Dally.”

"You cursed me, you said I would never love anyone else". – Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Now

I buried my head in my pillow the minute I got home, and by the time I woke up the following morning, I had missed two texts from Dean. I had barely made it out of bed before there was a knock on my door. I looked at the clock, noting it was six in the morning.

I stumbled blindly to the door and opened it quickly.

“You said nothing about 6:00 A.M.,” I grumbled, taking in Dean’s polished appearance. He was beautifully flawless in dark jeans and a loosely fitted black t-shirt.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s early. I’ll make coffee.” I pointed to the kitchen as I walked toward my bedroom. I undressed then jumped into the shower. I felt a million times better as I pulled a brush through my hair. A few brushes of makeup and lip gloss later, and I walked out of my bedroom, drifting toward the smell of coffee.

“Thank you,” I said as Dean handed me a cup then walked around my living room. I watched him take everything in and stop at some of the pictures on my mantle.

“I like your condo. It’s kind of how I pictured it would be, much like your old house,” he said, turning to smile at me.

“Well, my mother decorated most of it, so that’s a keen observation,” I said, giving him a half-smile. My curiosity was piqued as he quietly looked around.

“Dean, where are we going?”

“Home,” he said quickly, grabbing my cup and his and walking them to the sink.

“Home,” I parroted back as I grabbed my purse and locked my door.

He stayed quiet for a few minutes during the drive. I knew if I waited patiently, he would come out with it. Dean always got quiet when things became serious. I learned that about him over the years. I was just about to ruin my patient streak when he spoke up.

“My mother has Alzheimer’s,” he said quietly. “Her symptoms are advancing.” I sat, shocked at his admission. Of all the things he could have told me, I was not expecting that. I sat quiet while he continued. “It’s getting worse, and I’ve hired around the clock care. Today, there was an emergency with her nurse, and I have to cover for her. I couldn’t find anyone I trusted.”

“Dean, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine. Your father must be—”

“He died two years ago,” Dean said, taking his first look at me since we got into the car. I shook my head back and forth in a no, “Oh, God, Dean, I’m so sorry. How?”

“He was getting older, things started to happen, and then he was gone.”

“Oh, Dean, I’m so sorry,” I said, grabbing his hand. He squeezed mine, keeping his eyes on the road then pulled away.

“It’s life,” he said, dismissing what I was sure was a horrible memory of losing his father.

“I wish you would have called me,” I said, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice for both his withdrawal from my touch and the sting of being absent when his father passed. Dean idolized his father, Jeffrey, and though Dean had been born when Jeffrey was in his late forties, you would never know it to look at him. I remembered the way they had joked and carried on like they were the best of friends when we were teenagers. I couldn’t stop thinking about his mother and how beautiful and passionate she had been. She would constantly lecture Dean and I about the importance of living life. I would have a hard time keeping up with her broken English, but I never forgot the first time I met her.

“Ella tiene estrellas en sus ojos,” she murmured as she held my arms out to the side. “Dini, she’s a good one. Ju need to be a good boy.” She smacked him on the back of the head and then hugged me fiercely. I laughed nervously as she dragged me through her colorfully decorated living room into her kitchen.

“Ju sit right there. I’m going to teach you how to make Dini’s favorite food,” she cooed as she took out a huge bag of cornmeal.

“Mama, she didn’t come over for a cooking lesson,” Dean interjected, only to get a scowl from her.

“Calla hijo, deja le enseño como cocinar como a ti te gusta,” she snapped. “Ju don mine, right, honey?” I shook my head no as Dean sighed heavily and we spent the afternoon into the evening making homemade Tapas with sautéed shrimp.

“Dis so good. Ju like it?” She smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but to giggle at her overly animated way of speaking. She was so passionate when she spoke about anything and everything. I was fascinated.

She let Dean and I have a glass of wine as she danced around her kitchen, laughing and poking at her son. It was unmistakable the way she loved him, and I found myself falling a little harder for him as he entertained his mother with a dance.

“Ojos estrellados,” she murmured to Dean. “And you?” She paused, seeming to ask her son a question.

“Si, Mama,” he said back, his olive skin turning a shade darker. I cursed myself for taking French at that moment. I had no clue what was going on.

“Ella es muy joven, eso no va ha durar,” she said, giving me a sweet look.

I was completely clueless as Dean turned to me with a hint of mischief in his eyes. “Si, Mama.”

“Ojos estrellados,” I muttered under my breath. Dean’s eyes shot to mine as I said it. “What does it mean?”

“You never looked it up?” he said, watching me carefully as he clicked his signal.

“Would you believe I just remembered it?” I said, pressing him with my stare. “What does it mean?”

“Ask my mother.” His lips curled, revealing a small smile as he exited the highway.

“I will,” I said, softly tapping my fingers on the window.

“Dallas, I’m sorry,” he said, grabbing my attention with the weight of his voice. “I’ve acted like an ass. I had no right to do the things I’ve done.”

I turned in my seat to look at him, but he gave me nothing more.

“What the hell is going on with you, Dean? Why are you no longer engaged and sticking your tongue down my throat?” He pulled to a stop in his mother’s drive and I noticed it was the same dark blue two-story home I remembered from years ago, but was not as well kept. Dean exhaled roughly, seemingly lost in his thoughts, before turning to question me.

“Are you happy?”

“Whoa, that’s a little deep for seven in the morning.” He pulled my hand from my lap, gently grazing his finger over the top of the sensitive skin. Instantly aware of our connection, I cleared my throat and pulled my hand away.

“Answer the question,” he prompted, his paralyzing blue eyes on me. I tried to hide the heat in my face. I was undeniably attracted to him, but right now was not the time to let it come creeping in.

“Happy?” I hesitated. “I guess so.”

“I have this theory you aren’t. It’s not that hard to see. Besides, if you were, it wouldn’t have taken you so long to answer.”

“Well, you don’t—”

“I don’t know you anymore, right?” he interrupted in a mocking tone as he got out of the car.

“You’re an ass, you know that? You apologize and then insult me by telling me I’m not living the life I should be,” I huffed out, picking my purse off the floor and slamming his passenger side door.

“You said it, not me.” He opened the gate and held it open for me. My comeback was cut short when I got a good look at the house as we approached it. The landscape was suffering horribly and the house looked like it was hanging by a thread. I knew this because in the earlier years Dean’s mother had taken great care of her yard and home, much like my mother.

“I’ve been meaning to get a crew out here. I just haven’t had the time,” he said as I looked around us. “I come out here every chance I get, but it’s never enough.”

“It’s such a shame. It was so beautiful.” Dean plucked the right key off his chain and put it in the door.

“Yes, it was,” he murmured sweetly, his eyes on me. His face was so close to mine. All I had to do was lean in to taste his lips. The memory of his kiss from the break room damn near brought me to my knees.

“Dean,” I begged.

“I’ll leave it alone, Dallas,” he said reluctantly, pushing the door open.

“Mama,” he called as he walked across the entryway to the living room. I walked in, hesitant. I hadn’t spent a large amount of time studying Alzheimer’s and was unsure of exactly how I could help him today, but this wasn’t about me and my comfort. Dean had needed me and specifically asked for my help. It moved me that he still trusted me this much.

“How is she today?” he asked the nurse that was sitting in a recliner to the right of his mother who was in a similar chair of her own. I almost gasped when I saw her appearance. She was no longer the younger, beautiful, vibrant mother I’d met. Her hair was solid white and the sparkle in her eye was now dull. Her stare was distant and intent on the TV screen in front of her.

It had only been seven years!

“She had a rough morning,” the nurse replied, getting up to greet Dean. “Thanks so much for this. Sorry, Dean.”

“No problem, Rita. You have a life, too. If you need me to hire more help, I would—” She cut him off with a wave of her hand.

“Don’t you even think about it.” She gripped his shoulders then turned her head to me. “Who is this?” She smiled and held out her hand.

“Rita, this is Dallas, an old friend of mine.”

“Uh huh.” She raised an eyebrow as she looked me up and down. “Well, Dallas, nice to meet you,” she said with a smile. Rita was younger than his mother by what looked like only a few years. She was much shorter than Dean, which made their conversation seem comical. She started going into specifics about his mother’s routine when Dean’s mother spoke up.

“MOVE!” she grunted out as she swatted at both of them in front of her. Apparently, they were interrupting a very important part of her Spanish soap opera. I giggled as they hurried out of her way and saw the glass on her TV tray was empty. I grabbed it quickly, making my way to the kitchen and refilled it with water. Placing it on her tray filled with her medication, I looked around the house. Other than a few pieces of new furniture, it was very much like the home I had visited as a teenager. Dean ushered his mother’s nurse outside as she assured him she would be back as soon as possible. I sat next to Dayana and remained silent while she yelled at the TV.

“Bruja malvada, ese hombre no es tuyo!” She gripped the side of her chair as the credits rolled.

“Mama, you are being rude,” Dean scolded, leaning in to hug her.

She looked up at him and smiled as if seeing him for the first time. “Dini,” her smile deepened as she hugged her son with her whole heart. I felt the corners of my eyes going heavy with tears and looked upward to keep them away.

So much for not being a crier.

“Dini, who is here?” she questioned, getting a good look at me. “Aha!” she blurted suddenly, standing up quickly, with so much vehemence that I took a step back, my eyes wide.

“Ju are de woman who took my Dini?” She raised her brows at me in contempt as I stood there helpless.

“No, Mama,” Dean corrected.

She charged me, coming to stand right in front of me. “Ju have no respect for family? Ju not let him see his father!” she ranted as I stood there terrified.

This was not going well.

“No, Mama, wrong woman!” Dean promised, exasperated.

“Papa!” she called as I stood stunned. “Papa!”

Dean’s eyes found mine as he mouthed. “I’m sorry.” I shook my head quickly to try to comfort him.

“It’s me, Dayana!” I grabbed her into a big hug and held it as long as I could until she fought me and then pulled back. “No it’s me, ojos estrellados!”

“Ojos estrellados?” she said quietly, sizing me up. “Hmpf, I dunno...Dallas!” I nodded quickly and she embraced me with tears in her eyes. “My Dini no be the same boy since you be gone!”

“Mama,” Dean said sharply.

She turned away from him clearly ignoring his plea and studied me. “Ju still have stars in your eyes for my boy?”

“That’s what it means?!”I was sure the horrified look I gave her made no difference as she gave me an expectant glance. My eyes wandered over to Dean, and I saw he was just as uncomfortable as I was. Suddenly saddened, I recognized the strangeness of the situation. This had once been a second home to me and this woman and I were once close. We all stood guarded now. This is not how we all worked. My heart took a dive at the loss of the dynamic we once shared, before life got in the way. We were all younger, more carefree, more honest. While I couldn’t do a damn thing about the first two, I could, for the first time since this man showed up to my hospital, tell the truth.

“Always,” I said, keeping Dean’s gaze until I had no choice but to address her.

“So good you are here!” she said, clapping her hands together. “Dini, get Papa!” she ordered quickly.

“Mama, Papa is at work and Dallas is going to stay with you for a few hours while I work on the house, okay?” He seemed to be asking us both the question as I nodded a yes and she slowly did the same.

Dean addressed me next as his mother made herself comfortable back in her chair. “I have to do some stuff around here. I’ve really dropped the ball. It won’t take too long, okay?”

I nodded again as he made his way up the stairs.

Hours later, I was pretty sure I was picking up a little Spanish. Dayana had insisted I join her for the rest of her Telemundo marathon. Dean would poke his head in occasionally to check on us both, and I would insist we were fine. I nosed around and browsed through old photo albums that I saw laying underneath the coffee table as his mother yelled at the TV in either animation or outrage, depending on which show was on. I studied a picture of Dean when he couldn’t have been more than five or six years old. He was an insanely beautiful boy, his black hair a mess of wavy curls on top of his head, and he was missing several teeth. He was holding up a fish proudly at his father’s prompting. You could tell by the awkward way he held it up. I chuckled as I flipped through the pages, my heart beating harder with each picture, each beautiful memory of his family, of him.

I turned the next page and stopped flipping, gripping the book tightly and leaning in to get a good look. It was a picture of me the day I got my first car. I had my keys held up as I smiled at the camera and Dean looked on at me, a proud smile on his face. I choked back the emotion welling up inside me. It seemed so long ago and yet I remembered that day like yesterday. Dean had been the one to teach me how to drive. After several screaming sessions and a one hour discussion on what a blind spot was, we finally got into a groove. I remembered it was the day he’d almost kissed me. I’d been furious over his insistence I drive down I-75 and then 635—the scariest damn highways in Texas—and was reading him the riot act when I caught the amusement in his face. He was inching toward me as I ranted on about what an ass he was, and that I would never forgive him. He was seconds away from making the connection when I stopped mid-sentence and instantly opened up to the possibility. He had pulled away at the last second, insisting I drive us home. I was a licensed driver a couple of weeks later, and the day I’d gotten my car, his house was the first place I drove. I breathed in deep as I studied the picture. He was absolutely stunning, even though his eyes weren’t on the camera. They remained on me. I could see what he felt for me in that picture, and been blind to it. I looked up to see his mother studying me.

“Dini no forget you,” she scolded, as if I had anything to do with the reason we’d been separated for so long. I looked at her with all seriousness. “I’ve never forgotten him. Not once. Not for one minute,” I reassured her. She looked pleased with my response and let her eyes shift back to the TV. I looked up then to see Dean at the foot of the stairs, silently watching us, his expression unreadable as he quickly turned away from me then walked out the front door.

A few hours later, Dean was covered in Texas heat, his black t-shirt soaked as he panted heavily. He took a long pull at the water I’d brought him. I scanned the front porch, noting the progress he was making. It would take him years to repair the house.

“Thanks for this, Dallas, really,” he said, avoiding my eyes on him. His looked to be in better shape than he was when he was twenty-two. My mouth went dry as my eyes trailed the t-shirt that gave a clear definition of every single muscle in his chest. I paused when he finished the glass, no longer wanting to rejoin his mother. “I’ve spent a fortune on around the clock care. I just kind of want to take care of this stuff myself,” he added completely clueless that my tongue was anxiously waiting to capture the drops of sweat sliding down his neck.

My vagina stood at attention, saluting me as I watched the moisture slide slowly down and disappear beneath his t-shirt collar. “No problem,” I pushed out hoarsely. I had to rip my eyes away from him to concentrate on my next question. “So I take it your mother wasn’t a fan of your fiancée?”

“No,” he answered curtly.

“Why are you so hesitant to talk about her?”

“It’s over. There’s no big mystery there, Dallas. I just don’t want to rehash it,” he said dryly.

“What happened?” I insisted as he looked up at me from the step he had just finished repairing and threw his hammer noisily into his toolbox. I jumped at the noise and his face softened in apology as he finally spoke up.

“About a year ago, I came out here to visit my mother.” He spoke in a low voice, as if it pained him. “I found my mother here walking around aimlessly, lost in her own house. She...she had been hoarding, Dallas.” He closed his eyes, his voice shaking heavily. “I hadn’t been home since my father died, though I called her constantly. There’s no excuse. When I was able to reach her, she acted like everything was fine. But she was living in filth...I can’t even explain the scene I walked into. The house was filled to the brim with everything you can imagine. She was completely malnourished and disoriented. I had to move my mother out of her home for several months to get it clean. They said it was damn near toxic. I was afraid we were going to have to condemn it!” He knelt on the step, his head in his hands. He scrubbed them down his face painfully. I waited patiently for him to finish.

“I stayed with her, got her evaluated, and started making plans to move home. Helena shot down the idea of coming here immediately, and to be honest, she wasn’t interested in her wellbeing or the fact that I’d almost lost her. I knew then I didn’t care if she came and even before that I wouldn’t marry her. She only seemed interested in being a doctor and a doctor’s wife.”

“You two were together a very long time,” I stated.

“Not exactly. More off then on,” he said as he looked up at me. “After my father died, I kind of took a step back and noticed she was impossible to please and I stopped trying.” He finished his sentence as he wiped his hands on his pants. He pushed past me through the front door, his irritation apparent. “She wasn’t that way when I met her. Somewhere along the way, she became a different person and I was too busy to notice and kind of just went through the motions.”

“And you were going to marry this woman? She sounds like a cold, callous bitch with an agenda,” I said in observation.

“She wasn’t always like that,” he defended. “I just told you that.”

“Wow,” I said, recovering from yet another change in his demeanor. “You sure are a moody older man,” I joked as he put the toolbox up in the hall closet.

He closed the door slowly, looking down at the floor. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I seem to be saying that a lot today.”

“It’s fine, Dean. You are going through a lot here, and I have no right to judge.” He simply nodded our truce as I made my way back to his mother in the living room.

“I’m glad you’re here.” It was a whisper, and I wasn’t sure if he intended for me to hear it.

I led Dayana into the kitchen with me so I could cook dinner. She sat at her table, listening to the Spanish station I had programmed on my iPod. She tilted her head back and forth to the music, swaying her body slightly. I smiled at her reaction, seeing a hint of the woman I used to know. She would spend hours dancing in her kitchen while making some of the best food I’d ever eaten.

“Is this okay?” I asked, gathering ingredients from her pantry, afraid I was intruding.

“Si, sweetheart, ju are fine,” she cooed as she watched me. I hadn’t cooked a meal in years and was dangerously close to ordering out then decided to make a chicken casserole and salad. She looked like she wanted to critique my cooking a time or two, but kept quiet and politely smiled. I felt oddly comfortable with her. Feeling confident she would be okay for a few minutes on her own, I went upstairs to thoroughly wash up, pushing through the door I knew to be Dean’s room then froze.

Dean was standing naked in his bathroom with the shower running, as if he were about to get in. I surveyed his incredible body with my gaze, quickly taking in his gorgeous skin, taut and toned in all the right places. He was long and lean with just the right amount of drool worthy upper body that any woman would be happy to cling to. His torso was rigid with solid muscle and I once again envied the sweat trickling down his body. His olive skin was darker due to his day out in the sun. I exhaled as my burning eyes lingered on the beautiful muscle that hung between his thighs.

My vagina did a small breakdance ending with jazz fingers.

I stood there for as long as it took to drink my fill and flinched when my eyes drifted back up to meet his. He was staring dead at me and the look on his face was unmistakable.

“Jesus, I’m sorry!” I shrieked as I did an about face and ran right smack into the open door, catching my nose and mouth on the end full force. I screamed out in pain and saw black briefly. I felt his arms around me instantly and let out a whimper as the pain shot through me. I was on his bed cradled in his arms as he wiped my hair away from my nose. My top lip throbbed painfully as he looked down to survey the damage.

“You’re bleeding,” he said as he let go of me. “Keep your head tilted up, Dallas.” I did what I was told as the pain continued, accompanied by embarrassment. My face burned as the heat drifted up to my cheeks.

Ain’t this some shit, Whitaker!

“I didn’t know you were in here. I was just going to wash up before dinner,” I said, as if that would excuse my blatant ogling of his body and beautiful dick. I fought that picture in my mind as he came back, holding a cold washrag to my nose.

“Keep it up, Dallas,” he scolded sweetly as I lay on his bed, looking anywhere but at him, wondering if he was still naked. Tilting my head back, he cradled it as he pinched my nose tightly, willing it to stop bleeding. His sweat-filled scent filled my senses, bringing me back to a time when I had the right to touch him, when I belonged to him, and he to me.

This whole day had been a reminder of the way things had been and how much he and his family had once meant to me. My eyes filled with tears as I finally braved a look at him. He was staring down at me with concern.

“It hurts that bad?” he asked as he wiped away the blood from underneath my nose. I nodded my head slowly. He seemed to catch my double meaning as he grabbed my hand and placed it on the rag so I could hold it myself.

“I’m sorry, mi Hermosa, Dallas, ¿no ves que aún te amo?” he whispered again, studying my face, his eyes filled with hurt as he stroked me with both hands. Leaning in, he brushed his lips against my cheek and lingered. I stiffened in his arms afraid of what I would do if his kiss drifted even a fraction toward my mouth. I wanted him with every single breath I took. My body was on fire for him in a distant but familiar way. He closed his eyes and cursed, pulling away from me.

“Keep it up for a few minutes longer and it should stop the bleeding. I’ll get you some pain reliever when it does, okay?” I nodded again, keeping my eyes trained on his.

He lifted off the bed slowly and walked back into the bathroom then closed the door.

Dean and I were quiet at dinner, my eyes trained on anything but him as his mother took turns speaking to both of us in English and Spanish. After about a half hour of half-assed conversation, I began to clear the table. Dean followed suit, helping me with the dishes in silence. I broke it briefly. “It’s not your fault, Dean. There’s no way you could have known—”

“I got caught up in my career. I just didn’t want to see her pain. I was selfish and it almost cost me my mother. I am to blame for that, Dallas. I should’ve been here, for her. What kind of man deserts his own mother?”

“You didn’t,” I said, taking the dish from his hand. “You just got lost in your own pain for a while.” He looked up to me, his eyes filled with unshed tears and nodded quickly before walking away.

“Dean—” I said to his retreating back. He stopped briefly, keeping his back to me as I fought to keep my voice steady.

“You are a good man, and a good son. Please believe me. And if you won’t believe me, believe her. There is no love lost here. She doesn’t blame you for anything. She’s fine and she adores you.”

“And what about you, Dallas?” When I said nothing, I saw his shoulders sag as he continued to make his way out of the room.

After two more shows with his mother, I excused myself and stepped out onto the porch as the sun was setting. The overgrown garden lit up with lightening bugs, and I smiled at their arrival. It was a surprisingly cool night as I breathed in the smell of the freshly cut grass, courtesy of Dean, and enjoyed the peace. I heard the door open behind me, but kept facing the front lawn.

“Rita should be here in a few hours.” He walked out onto the porch just as the crickets started their symphony.

“I’m fine. Really, it’s been a relaxing day. I don’t get those often. I’m happy to be here.” I winced as a small pain from my newly damaged nose hit me and he saw it as he sat on the porch next to me.

“Still hurts?” he asked, masking a small smile before cracking up laughing. “Did you like the show?”

“Nothing I haven’t seen before. And yes it still hurts. Feel free to laugh, you jerk. I would’ve if the situation were reversed.” I said nudging him with my shoulder as he sat next to me.

“If the situation would have been reversed, I’d still be pushing inside of you until you begged me to stop and even then I wouldn’t,” he said roughly.

“Dean,” I groaned, standing slowly to turn in front of him. “You have to stop saying things like that. I can’t justify spending time with you to my boyfriend. It’s not fair to him,” I scolded as I squeezed my thighs to stifle the ache between them. Standing in front of him now in nothing but a pair of short shorts and a tight fitting tank, I felt bared to him. The automatic light from the porch came on and washed us both in half-light. Our eyes were locked as my pulse escalated. The shift in air between us was filled with electricity. He reached out with both hands and placed them on my thighs just above my knees. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep as the pads of his thumbs began to caress the top of them.

“I remember how good you felt, Dallas. How your body reacted to me every time I took you,” he whispered, leaning forward, sliding his hands up slowly and purposefully before tearing them away and whispering softly, “I can’t imagine a worse kind of hell than seeing you in front of me again and not being able to touch you.”

“Dean, you said you would leave it alone,” I reminded, getting lost in his eyes. I felt my nipples peak in arousal and he didn’t miss it. We stayed like that for several minutes, both of us on the edge and inching closer. Finally, I took a step away from him and he exhaled, breaking our connection. He stood and walked back into the house. My eyes stayed trained on the door as my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was Josh.

“Hi,” I said enthusiastically, trying to mask the emotion of my last conversation.

“Hey, babe, you haven’t texted all day,” he said, sounding concerned.

“I’m with a friend who has a sick mother. We are trying to get her taken care of then I’ll be coming to you,” I offered.

“Who is the friend?” His words were ice. I knew then I was going to catch hell when I told him the truth.

“Josh, it’s not what you think,” I explained, sitting back down on a harsh exhale. “And you have to trust me.” I added forcefully.

“I don’t trust him, and I won’t apologize for that,” he said sternly. “I’m trying. Dallas...look, I don’t want to fight. I’ve been thinking about you all day. Just hurry up, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you,” he said carefully. The front door opened again as Dean extended an ice tea. “Dallas?”

“I love you, too.”

When Rita made it back to Dean’s mother’s house, Dean surprised me by taking a detour on the way home. We pulled up to the brightly lit track and I turned to him in surprise. He reached behind his seat and then held out his hand to me. I made out the stopwatch in his hand and gave him a sideways look.

“Exactly what are you thinking, Martin?”

“Aren’t you curious?”

“About what, old man? There is no way you still have the speed.”

“Care to wager on it?”

“Nope,” I said, exiting the car. I heard his laugh as he popped his trunk and pulled out his old track shoes.

“Afraid you’ll lose?” he said, exchanging his shoes and tying them the way I’d seen him do it a hundred times. His shorts were too long, and I couldn’t help but smile that he had kept the same shoes all these years.

“Afraid of your impending injury,” I retorted, rolling my eyes. As we walked and approached the track, I felt the inevitable drift of the memories we had made here. Hours of practice led to hours of nights we talked until the timed lights clicked off. Sometimes he would take me driving after, or out for food, others he would simply keep talking far after we were supposed to have left.

“Good times here,” he whispered as he lifted his foot behind him, stretching his hamstring.

I’d loved everything about watching Dean race when we were young. I loved the layout of the clay track, the emotion of the race, and the fact that Dean was unstoppable. It was as if there could never be anyone faster. I admired his athleticism so much. I pushed him hard because he simply was the best and his record reflected that. Without another word to me, he began his warm up in a slow jog around the track. I admired his physique the way I had so many times before, with the exception of the fact that the beautiful guy he used to be had turned into an even more stunning man.

“Three,” I piped as I always did when he rounded the corner. When Dean got into the zone, he often needed a reminder of his progress. When he was fully warmed up, he took his mark and gave me a nod.

I shook my head and humored him. “Ready, set, time!”

A few older women circling the track for their nightly workout hollered out their appreciation as Dean took off like a bat out of hell, shocking us all. Something inside of me swelled, maybe it was pride, maybe it was recognition of the days when Dean blazed across the very clay he was racing over now, but I fell right back into step.

“Get the lead out, Martin. A geriatric could do better!”

I wasn’t positive, but I thought I could see a small smile form on his lips at my comment as he flew past me on his first lap.

“Three seconds off!” I hounded as the women stared at me with contempt. It never failed, even years later, there were always groupies. “Seriously, Martin, hang it up. You don’t have a chance!”

I narrowed my eyes at the two women who were openly ridiculing me, and that had just joined the Dean Martin fan club.

“Suck it, ladies!” I said loud enough to hear their answering gasp. Dean cornered the track slightly winded as I dug in.

“You’ve lost it, old man. Time to burn those shoes and invest in some Dr. Sholls.”

I saw his face contort and recognized something I hadn’t seen in years. When Dean began to race toward me, I panicked and threw the stopwatch down as I began to run from him. “Angry Spaniard!” I screamed in a laugh as I raced toward the women who were now just as terrified from the spectacle. I felt the rush of air leave my lungs as Dean tackled me in the middle of the grass. The women laughed hysterically, clapping for Dean as he pinned me down under him.

“Seriously I thought you were a good coach?” He grinned down at me, droplets of sweat trickling down his now loose hair.

“It worked.” I grinned up at him.

“Did you tell those women to suck it?”

“No,” I said, looking at him like he was delusional. “But I have to say your groupies are getting a bit older than you are used to, but no less willing.” I rolled my eyes as Dean waved a polite hello to the two women openly ogling him.

“Why did you stop? Worried you wouldn’t make your time?”

He rolled off of me and lay next to me on the grass, his chest heaving as he answered. “I didn’t have anyone to beat.” He looked up at me in question. “What was my time?”

“I don’t know. I dropped it when you charged me,” I said with a chuckle.

“Looks like we have both lost our touch,” he murmured as he sat up next to me.

“Speak for yourself, Martin. I’m still sharp as a tack.”

“And just as painful as one in my ass,” he whispered as he looked at my bare shoulder. Suddenly aware of how close he was, I began to move when his words stopped me.

“I stopped in college, my first year.”

“I never did ask you why you did.”

“I didn’t have my coach,” he said softly, his eyes still on my neck and shoulder. “It wasn’t the same without you. I didn’t care if I won. I didn’t have my girl to win for anymore.”

“Oh, no, Martin you don’t get to blame me for that one,” I whispered back as he inched forward his eyes intent on my skin. “You were racing long before we met.”

“It wasn’t fun anymore,” he whispered even lower.

I averted my gaze as I smiled ruefully. “I will never know how—” My words were cut short as soft lips pressed against my shoulder. I turned to study those lips as they tasted my skin. Dean’s lashes fluttered as his kiss drifted slightly higher, and I pulled away just as he leaned in further. My movement seemed to sober him only slightly as he looked at me with desire so intense my sex pulsed.

“You can’t do that,” I said softly.

“Dallas—”

“Take me home, Dean. Please, just take me home.”

The ride back to Dallas seemed longer than the ride out. Dean hadn’t said more than a few words to me since we left the track.

“Dean,” I said, looking his way, his dash lights making his solemn face more heartbreaking.

“I deserve it. I deserve all of this shit. I’m the one who left my family, left you, so don’t fucking pity me.”

“I’m still here. I still care a great deal—”

“But you love him,” he reminded me, taking his eyes off the road for a second to glance my way.

“And you were going to marry her!” I said impatiently. “You come home after seven years and expect everything to be the way it was? That’s ridiculous. You expect too much. We can’t just go back. It doesn’t work that way. Things aren’t the same.”

“I get it and they clearly aren’t,” he argued. “My father is dead, my mother is losing her fucking mind, and the woman I was supposed to marry has moved on. I get it. I left. I’ll deal with it.”

“Well, we had to,” I said, looking out the window, not caring about his reaction.

“I regret it every day, but that changes nothing,” he said as he sped up, changing lanes to take my exit.

Neither did crying myself to sleep.

I exhaled deeply, needing to get the next part out before he thought differently.

“None of this was your fault. Parents grow old and die, mothers get sick. You went to college and started your life. Every kid does it. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”

“Then why does it feel like I did?” he asked on a whisper. “Why do I feel like everything I did was for nothing?”

“I can’t...I don’t know how to answer that,” I said quietly. He pulled onto my street then parked. We sat in his car in silence for a few minutes.

I spoke first. “You know if you need me again, I will be happy to help.”

“I won’t,” he said. “But thanks for the offer.” I got out of the car, turning back to retrieve my purse. He grabbed my arm when I began to pick it up, and I looked across at him, the ache in my chest growing, and the urge to wrap myself around him unbearable. For the first time since he returned, I felt like I was staring at my best friend again—the man I was closest to, the man who I’d loved more than anything in the world, and the man who ripped my heart apart and left me completely broken.

“Let’s just go back to the beginning,” he said, pulling me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, planting my knee on his passenger seat and nodded in the crook of his neck. He wanted to be friends. And though it shouldn’t have, my heart sank.

“You were always on my mind. Always, Dallas. I’ve thought about you every day,” he whispered as I held him a little tighter. “I never, not once forgot about you, either. And that day in New York...I’d give anything to go back and change it.” I choked on a sob as I pulled away, unable to keep the tears from falling. I wanted to unload on him, to tell him I had almost died mourning the loss of him. That I had spiraled out of control and drank myself stupid, giving into my sexual whims. That until Josh, I had never even looked at a man longer than the time it took for a casual fling. That I had damn near lost my mind thinking what I felt for him was one sided.

I’d let my emotion take complete control as he stared at me, clearly shocked at my sudden outburst.

“Dally,” he pleaded, cradling my face and wiping my tears. I flinched at his contact, pulling away and letting my anger surface.

“You can’t do this to me again!” I slammed his passenger door as my sobs picked up. I walked away from the car and stumbled into my condo, locking it behind me before sliding to the floor.

How much did he possibly think I could take? Up to that point seconds ago, I had been so strong in my refusal to entertain him and our past. I held my head in my hands and sat slumped on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I still loved him. I had never stopped. Not for one minute had I stopped loving Dean. I would always love him and it would always hurt.

It didn’t matter how hard he was trying. The words he was saying couldn’t be true, and I refused to believe him. I could never forget the incredible lows I felt at the loss of him.

I’d met the love of my life and my soul mate when I was fifteen. I knew that; he knew that. He wanted that girl back.

I wanted to forget she existed.

It would just have to hurt.

"Numb again. Love again. Fuck it!" – Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Then

New York

I walked the crowded streets in absolute awe. New York! I could feel the fast pulse of the city reverberating through the air as my surroundings fascinated me. I couldn’t help but to wonder what it would be like to join Dean here for medical school. I watched as people hurried along the streets while I stood and watched their progress. I felt alive with energy and could see the appeal immediately of moving to a city like this one. Suddenly, a freezing gust of air hit me, and I instantly screamed out at its arrival.

Fuck that idea.

Walking further into campus, I watched the students as they passed me and noted the dynamic of the school. It was far more fast paced than Austin, and I had expected as much. I couldn’t keep from thinking how hard it must have been for Dean the first few weeks. Then again, Dean had always been one to rise to any challenge. I was sure he had it well under control. It had been months since I’d seen him. He had refused to let me go until after the summer of his senior year, forgoing his typical annual trip to Spain, and spend what time we had left together. We spent most of our days hanging out with our friends, eating fattening food at the lake and having amazing sex. Every night he left me, he would tell me how much he loved me, and he could not wait for our future. His promise that he would be at my school the day I graduated to propose seemed like one he would keep.

Even after I agreed to make things work with the distance between us, after Christmas break, I’d pulled away from him, insisting we try it without each other, asking for time to adjust to life without him. He’d assumed the worst and stopped trying altogether.

It had been three months since I’d heard from him. He’d just stopped calling. After several unanswered calls, I had to go to him. I had to tell him I’d made a mistake, make it known I needed him, that I couldn’t breathe.

My classwork was suffering, and I couldn’t concentrate. I was furious he hadn’t bothered to call me, or at least let me know himself that it was all a lie, that I had trusted his promise in vain. At the same time, I could not believe it. I refused to believe it, not with the way he looked at me, touched me. Dean was my salvation. I just needed to see him, to touch him, to know he was real. That what we had was real.

“You looking for a class?” a male voice asked from my right as I stared up at the bulletin board. I had no clue how to find him. I went to his apartment first and his roommate Kyle told me he was in class all day so I selfishly went to his school. I couldn’t wait.

I rattled off that I was looking for a med student and he pointed to a hallway that led into another building.

“Midday lets out in a few minutes. You should find who you are looking for there. That’s where most of the med classes are held.”

I thanked him and made my way down the hall just as the first door opened. I waited with my stomach in knots. I had worn my favorite sweater and skinny jeans with matching red velvet pumps and lipstick. My hair was a bit longer. I felt chic and sophisticated. I caught a glimpse of him as he appeared outside of a door and said his name as my heart pounded against my chest. When I caught up to him and turned him around, I laughed out, “Dean, Dean Martin?” He stood with his bag in hand, staring at me in shock.

“Hi,” I said, leaning in to kiss his cheek. He pulled away, grabbed my hand, and pulled me outside the school onto the sidewalk. It was early spring and I could feel more than the chill of his stare as I braced myself.

“This was obviously a bad idea,” I said, watching his reaction to me. He was leaning against the brick building we had just come out of, his book bag between his feet, his arms crossed.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded as I clasped my hands together in front of me, wringing them nervously.

“I don’t know, Dean. I was in the neighborhood thought I would say hi,” I said, full of nervous sarcasm.

“Dallas, I’m at school,” he said warily. I studied him hard. His face gave nothing away.

“We haven’t talked in so long. I just thought...I mean ...” I looked at him again, dying to throw my arms around him. He seemed cold and distant, which floored me considering when we parted we were both in tears.

“You made sure of that,” he said testily. “Aren’t you the one who said we should—”

“Look, I know I said it would be easier if we gave each other space, but I didn’t mean for it to be like this!” I said, holding my hands up. “I came to tell you I was wrong, Dean. I miss you, so much, too much. This isn’t working for me, but obviously you are just fine with it,” I huffed, crossing my own arms in front of me, on guard with him for the first time since I’d last seen him in Austin.

“And you’re sure you’re not?” he asked crudely, pulling himself from the wall, his face in mine, his eyes blazing.

“I just said I wasn’t,” I pleaded turning away from his stare. “I can’t concentrate.”

“Well, why don’t you ask Casey to help you?” he said icily.

“What?” I asked, baffled. “That idiot,” I started to protest then realized he was fuming. “Dean, you don’t think he and I did anything, do you?” I asked, taken aback. I moved toward him as he picked up his bag and started walking away from me.

“Dean, I didn’t touch him!” I yelled after him. “I would never. Not him!”

“He answered your phone at 4 A.M., Dallas!” he confronted, turning back to face me.

“Fine, so he did. So that gave you the fucking right to cut me out of your life? You bastard! Is that why you did this? Do you have any idea what that did to me?”

He dropped his backpack and gripped my shoulders. “I’m not there! I’m not there, Dallas! I was losing my fucking mind. I couldn’t handle it, okay? I still ...”

“Me neither,” I admitted as his face twisted before our lips came crashing together. Fire spread from my chest down to my toes as he pushed me up against the wall and plunged his tongue into my mouth. I moaned out as he fully wrapped himself around me and I threaded my fingers into his hair, gripping him and tilting my head to invite him in deeper. When he had kissed me thoroughly, he pulled away and held the sides of my face.

“Fuck, I miss you so much,” he murmured as he pulled away, an inch from my lips. “But we can’t do this. Dallas, I can’t do this. You were right. It’s too much...... too hard.” My eyes immediately filled with tears at his admission. At the same time it comforted me I wasn’t alone.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“No, Cammie did.” He nodded, taking in my appearance with a sigh. My admission did little to change his resolve.

“One day your answer will be yes, Dallas. You will date again, and you may even love someone else. I won’t be able to handle it.”

“You won’t and I won’t. I can’t love anyone else, Dean. I don’t know how to. I’ll wait. I want to be with you, Dean.” He was shaking his head as soon as the words left my mouth.

“I can’t, Dallas. You pushed me away and I lost my shit when he answered your phone. This isn’t good. We have to—”

“What about graduation, Dean?” I said harshly as more tears spilled down my cheeks. “What about that? Am I supposed to forget that, too?” I gripped my necklace and he looked past me as he spoke.

“Dallas, it’s a long way away. What if I don’t want to leave New York?”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” He lowered his head and I lowered mine, forcing his back up to meet my eyes. “You son of a bitch!” I cried, my heart crumbling to nothing at his feet. I glared at him as I started to back away. “Everything you’ve ever said to me was a lie.” I had to get away from him. Pain I couldn’t handle seared through my chest in a silent explosion. I turned and dashed in my heels and was narrowly missed by a cab as I darted out into the street. Dean caught me, bringing me back to him, and held me still while I struggled against him.

“Dallas, stop it!” he barked.

“Fuck you!” I screamed, fighting him as I struggled to get away.

He gave up the fight several minutes later, cursing in frustration. “What do you want from me?! I told you I would stay! When you insisted I come, I begged you to wait for me. Told you I would do whatever I could to keep us together. You wanted space! You broke up with me, insisted we go on without each other. I’m here now. I can’t quit, and there’s no going back.” I stopped moving as I looked up at him. I saw it then. The edge in his words filled me with dread.

“You’ve slept with someone?” I asked around a sob. “No, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. I fucking hate you. You did this to me!” I screamed, hysterical. “You made me love you this much! You took it all and left me.”

“Please, Dallas,” he said, moving me to a less crowded part of the street, keeping me tight to him as my breathing evened out. “No, I haven’t touched another woman. I can’t.”

“It’s fine,” I said, trying in vain to pull myself together.

“It’s not fine. I’m not fine, either,” he admitted, running his fingers through my hair as he spoke with his chin pressed to my temple. “I feel like I can’t breathe without knowing you anymore. It’s been the hardest three months of my life. I thought you were moving on.”

“Because I was trying to be that girl for you. The one who doesn’t need you constantly and can handle the distance, but I can’t. I can’t do it! Please, can we fix this? Let’s fix this!” I croaked, begging him. “Please, Dean, help me fix this!

“Come home—”

“Come to New York—”

“I don’t belong here,” I answered, knowing at the same time. “You do.”

I knew in that moment everything had changed. Dean had been willing to stay in Texas up until he’d left. Once he got to New York, things had changed for him. His eyes pleaded with mine. I had no answer, and I couldn’t ask for more than he had already given me. I should’ve asked him to stay when he insisted that he would. I’d lost my chance, and now I knew he felt his future resided in New York, and there was nothing I could do about it. He’d been willing to let me go.

I took him in one last time. He was beautifully dressed, wearing distressed jeans, a thin blue sweater, and a black blazer. His jet-black hair had gotten a bit longer and was slightly curling at the ends. His blue eyes bore into mine as I swallowed a breath filled with his clean scent. I reached out and touched his face, taking in his chiseled features as he studied me with confusion. I swallowed hard and stayed quiet for several moments as I accepted our fate. I looked up at him with fresh tears in my eyes.

“Okay, you stay,” I said, looking around me at the incredible city that surrounded us and hung my head. I couldn’t compete with it. “Fuck.”

“Dallas, I still love you,” he said, as if he knew what I was about to say.

“I know.” I attempted to smile while the inside of my chest squeezed so painfully it took my breath away. I looked into his crystal blue eyes and made him a promise.

“I’ll still love you,” I said softly. “I’ll still love you in a week, in a month, and in three years. I’ll still love you for the rest of my life. You did that to me, and you can’t change it. No matter where you go or what you do, I will still love you. Even if you marry another—” my voice cracked as my tears fell in a steady stream “—or I find someone, I’ll love you more. Nothing will ever change that, Dean. Nothing can.” Time, space, it’s never seemed to matter when it came to Dean. I’d been a fool to think my love had a limit. The clarity of that realization hit me harder than ever as I gave him one last look. His beautiful features twisted in pain as he soaked in my words. “You will always matter more. It will always be you. Go be a doctor, Dean.” I let a last, lone tear slide down my cheek then walked away from him. I didn’t want to see his reaction. It didn’t matter. He’d let me go.

It was over.

I had lost Dean to New York.

Dallas

Now

I arrived at my parents’ house an hour later, not looking for either of them, and heading to my room. I texted Josh and told him I was too tired to see him. My reply was exactly what I expected it to be: cold and harsh. I would have to make it up to him. I was completely lost in Dean’s world and his confessions to me.

I heard my mother’s light knock on my bedroom door before she pushed it open to find me staring at the ceiling.

“Dallas? Honey, what are you doing here?” my mother questioned as I sat up in my old bed, grabbed a pillow, and held it to me. “I don’t know.”

“You’re upset. Tell me what’s wrong.” She moved in closer, her eyes scanning me as I breathed in deeply to keep from crying.

I wanted Rose. I needed my best friend and she was off in la-la land celebrating her newfound happiness with her fiancé, which I was currently resenting. I looked up at my mother with swollen eyes, suddenly furious with her and needing to unleash. “I need you to explain to me why the hell you would put these stupid ideas about love into my head.”

My mother turned around and walked out of my bedroom. I stood quickly, following her down the stairs while I ranted. “It’s ridiculous to believe there is only one person for everyone. Why would you teach your kids to think that! It’s absolutely wrong!” She stopped mid-step and looked up to me with her brows raised. Her hair was piled on top of her head and her favorite robe was snugly clasped around her. I backed off briefly until she turned back around, heading back down. “You are wrong,” I threw at her as I stopped and took a seat on the top of the stairs.

“That’s not what I taught you, Dallas,” she said as she looked up at me, concern heavy on her features.

“If this is what it’s like, I don’t fucking want it,” I declared firmly. She disappeared into the kitchen then returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses. “Your father is sleeping. Get your crazy ass out on the patio. Let’s have a drink.” I couldn’t help my grin as she addressed me. It was no big mystery where I got my personality from. I admired her to no end. She was strong, self-assured, yet completely lovable and loving at the same time.

“If I am crazy, it’s only because you made me this way,” I insisted as I followed her out. There was a perfect breeze offsetting the day’s heat as we took a seat on the cedar bench in the middle of her rose garden.

“Rose told me Dean is back,” she said, eyeing me while filling our glasses.

I nodded, downing half my glass, trying to erase the memory of his beautiful, naked body. “I’m with Josh. Actually, I’m supposed to be with him right now, and Dean is screwing it all up,” I said helplessly.

“Or are you?” she asked.

“Both,” I answered. “Mom, I would have been fine. I was fine...Finally,” I told her, pouring another glass of wine.

“And now you’re not,” she said, coaxing me. I looked at her oddly as she tried to hide her amused smile.

“No, I’ve gone bat shit. Completely crazy! He drives me insane! He expects to just waltz in after all this time and pick up where we left off! He’s still so arrogant and possessive, ugh, what an ass!”

“Wow,” my mother smiled, “sounds rough.” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Mom, if you are going to make fun of me, I’ll leave,” I pushed out. She chuckled at my discomfort. “Seriously, it’s not funny,” I said, my voice cracking. “That man damn near destroyed me.”

She sobered up almost instantly. “I know this story,” she said grabbing my hand. “I know you’re scared.”

“Mom, I’m terrified.” I paused briefly thinking of the mess I’d made the first few years after our break up. “I never told you this, but I kind of lost it when we broke up. I mean, lost it. I did things you would never want to hear about.”

“Now, I’m sure I know this story,” she said, setting her wine down and turning to me.

“Mom, he was it for me. I was so sure of it. I swore that he would be back and he never came.”

“Looks like he did,” she offered.

“Too late. It’s way too late,” I added. “This was not the time.”

“Austin? Your graduation day?” she asked sadly. I nodded in agreement. She closed her eyes briefly. “I knew it. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve made sure you were okay. I thought you wanted to hang with your friends, but I knew something wasn’t right.”

“He was supposed to come for me and propose. I mean, at least that’s what he promised before it all turned to shit.” She seemed a little shocked as I continued. “I know I never told you, but we were that serious. He never showed. I waited for him in vain, knowing it had been too long, but something inside of me wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t. I just knew he would come. That all the pain of missing him would be worth it. That’s why I insisted you all go to eat without me. I was waiting for him. I waited until every single person left. I stayed there until the sun set.” My chest was raw as I thought of how I circled campus endlessly, crying openly in front of everyone who saw me, searching for him relentlessly, refusing to believe he hadn’t shown. He’d given me absolutely no reason to hold on, and still I couldn’t let go.

I could see my mother tearing up and shook my head. “It was the worst day of my life. So he can’t be the right one,” I insisted.

“So why are you letting him disrupt your life now?”

“Because he’s...he’s...gah! I don’t know,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

“Yes you do,” she said filling our glasses up and retreating to the house to grab another bottle. When she rejoined me, we sat for several minutes in silence, listening to the noises of the cool summer night. The fragrant smell of her roses soothed me. I breathed in deep.

“I can’t go back there. My heart can’t take it. My head is already a mess,” I said defiantly. “He expects too much for nothing.” Sighing heavily I felt the warmth from the wine spread through me and I welcomed it.

“Well, then you’ve made your decision,” she said carefully, as if I would object.

“Technically, he didn’t do anything wrong. I told him to go and pushed him away. But for some reason, I still blame him for how much it hurt.”

She simply nodded and waited for me to continue.

“Mom, how do you look at someone you loved so completely at one point that you drowned in them? Someone who knew you so intimately they were a part of you and you had no idea where you started and they ended, or who you were apart from belonging to them? How do you go from that to friends or even acquaintances? How do you just ignore your past with that person? How do people do that?”

“I think you answered that for yourself already. With Dean, you can’t.”

“So, what? I just stay away from him?” I asked.

“First, tell me why you are trying so hard to avoid him, Dallas.”

“The first reason is Josh.”

“Let’s keep him out of it for now.” She leaned over, grabbed a blooming rose bud in her hand and delicately thumbed it.

“It hurts too much to love Dean. He’s proven it time and time again.”

“Not intentionally,” my mother pointed out.

“I want to believe that,” I said. “He told me he met his ex-fiancée his first year. He’s been with her all this time. We were only together a year.”

“You have known that man half of your life, Dallas. Love doesn’t care if you were there five years or—”

“Five minutes, Mom. I know.”

“Dallas, you are forgetting something pretty important.”

“What?”

“Everything else,” she said slowly. “Aside from the pain your break up caused and constantly reminding yourself of it, it seems you have completely forgotten why you were in so much pain in the first place. Obviously, you had something good with him, something memorable, worth suffering over.”

“Being his, with him, it was the best time of my life,” I said, twisting my wine glass in my hand. “He made me feel loved and beautiful and wanted. Even when we fought, which was often. We just fit and neither of us could stay away.”

“All consuming,” she encouraged.

I nodded, leaning back in my chair, my voice cracking with my next words. “It still is and I can’t figure it out, Mom. I can’t make it stop. The need to be with him is so strong. I feel too much. I can’t stay in the same room with him without wanting more.”

“You can’t help the way you feel, Dallas. As guilty as it makes you feel about Josh, and I know that’s what is eating at you the most, you cannot help it. Trust me when I tell you I have been there. They invented the ‘nice guy’ theory for men who are innocent bystanders left in the wake of our first love gone wrong. We always recover but we never forget and we never love quite the same. The first love is always the most felt, the hardest to get over, and the hardest to forget.”

“Great,” I said, feeling hopeless. “So what do I do?”

“What do you want?” she asked immediately.

“I don’t know.”

“Sure you do.” She winked, standing suddenly, and leaning over to place a kiss on my forehead.

I looked up at my beautiful mother and could see how transparent my feelings were. “Thank you. I’m sorry for what I said...about you filling our heads full of crap.”

“I’ve always encouraged you to love with all your heart. That’s when it feels the best.”

“And the worst,” I added, getting out of my chair and grabbing our empty glasses.

“And the worst,” she agreed. “We are having an engagement party for Rose and Grant on Sunday,” she said, opening the patio door for me.

“What do you think about that?” I asked, fearful of my mother’s response.

“I adore him. He came and asked our permission last week. Wait until you meet him. You will know right away he’s perfect for her. I know I’m pretty liberal when it comes to love, but I had my doubts until I met him. Be happy for her, Dallas. She’s had a horrible time in that department, as well.”

“I am, Mom. I swear. I’m just worried for her. I know how bad it can hurt when it goes downhill.”

“So does she,” my mother reminded, turning off the kitchen lights as we stood at the foot of the stairs. “And she’s ready to give it another chance,” she said, raising her voice so I caught her drift.

“I am with Josh,” I defended weakly.

“Cut him loose, Dallas,” my mother warned.

“So I just dump my boyfriend of a year, who happens to be close to a saint, and amazing to me, for a man who broke my heart and has been absent for the last seven years?”

“Do you want my permission?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to make your decision?”

“No, Mom, I get it.”

“Good, now stop whining. Get your ass upstairs and get in bed. Tomorrow morning I’ll make your favorite breakfast.”

“I love you, Mom.”

“You too, peanut.” She hugged me tightly.

“What if it’s the wrong choice?” I asked before she pulled away.

She stayed quiet for a long moment, and I wondered if she was going to answer me before she spoke. “It seems like we love so much more than the rest of the world, doesn’t it? So much harder, like we hurt more, feel deeper.”

“That’s not what I asked,” I said, confused.

“How hard is it to believe that he loved you as much as you loved him?”

“Very,” I said roughly.

“There you go,” she said before giving me a quick squeeze.

“What?” I said, shaking my head and heading up to my room. I got to the top of the stairs before I caught her cryptic teaching.

She was telling me I was selfish to think he’d suffered less than I had. Dean’s reaction to our break up was his to have and that everyone loved and lost differently. I wasn’t the only one who might’ve had a hard time moving on. But mostly she was trying to tell me that I was worthy of that type of love and not the only one capable of it. And maybe I was being a little selfish to think otherwise.

Touché, madre!

I wrapped myself up in the comforts of home, staring into the darkness and doing what I’d spent hours of my life doing in this very spot: thinking of Dean Martin. I woke up hours later covered in sweat, a whimper still on my lips as I came out of another bad dream. A dream I was all too familiar with. I took a long hot bath to ease the ache that had built in my arms from clinging to my sheets. I sat in the tub replaying the night Dean had made me the promise he failed to keep.

“I’ll come back for you, Dallas.”

Dallas

Now

I woke the next morning, surprisingly well rested despite my bad dream, and scurried to the kitchen to grab a quick cup of coffee before I left for my shift. My mother stood waiting for me in the kitchen, and I jumped in surprise when she met me with a waiting smile. “Mom, it’s six in the morning!” I looked to see my favorite breakfast of eggs benedict and fresh orange juice waiting for me. “Oh, this is too much, Mom. You didn’t have to.” Grabbing my fork, I dug in as she leaned over the counter, planting a quick kiss on my cheek.

“It goes with aging. I wake up at the crack of dawn, and I hate it,” she mused, watching me inhale my plate. “Besides, little woman, you are getting too thin.”

“I’m on it,” I said confidently. “I’ve been letting too much get in the way of my health. I’ve already decided to do better. I’ll take the food but skip the lecture, okay?” I asked, hopeful.

My mother narrowed her eyes. “Fine, smart ass, I was just doing my job.”

“I know, and you’re really good at it,” I complemented around a mouthful of runny eggs and Canadian bacon.

“Just remember, old lady or not, I can still kick your ass,” she said forcefully as I laughed loudly around a swallow of deliciousness.

“Eggs benedict,” my father said sleepily. “Morning, angel, this is a nice surprise.”

“Hi, Daddy,” I piped before leaning into a bear hug.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as my mother ushered him to sit next to me.

“I had a rough day yesterday and just wanted to be home.”

“Oh.” He stopped his juice glass midway to his mouth, his concern clear.

“I’m fine. Mom and I talked it out, really,” I assured him as I finished my plate.

“Well, if you want another ear,” he offered as I looked at my mother’s reddening face.

“Seth Whitaker,” she snapped, “I am more than capable of talking to her without your assistance.”

“I have no doubts, baby,” he said sweetly.

“You’re in for a long day, baby,” my mother retorted. They both chuckled and looked at me expectantly.

“I’m fine, okay? Crisis averted.” Rinsing off my plate and sticking it in the dishwasher, I addressed them both. “I’m chalking this up to good old fashioned curiosity. I have a job I love and everything else is just a distraction. It’s time to get back to life as I know it and stop worrying about what ifs. That time is over. I just want to resume my life as it was.”

My mother harrumphed, clearly unhappy with my decision, and I replied, “It’s my decision to make.”

“What am I missing?” my father asked, looking between us.

“Dean is back and wants another shot with Dallas. She’s still madly in love with him and is refusing to give him a chance,” my mother boldly declared, summing up all that was unsaid between us last night.

“Mom,” I protested.

“Dean is back,” he said animatedly. “Oh, man, I’d love to see him.”

“Well, then you invite him over, Dad. I want no part of it.” I rounded the corner grabbing my purse and hugging my mother good bye. “He’s just bored. He came home to take care of his mother and decided it would be fun to play remember when with me. Speaking of Dean, Dad, I need a favor.” He raised his brows skeptically, but not because of the favor. He didn’t believe one word of my speech, neither did my mother. I was determined to prove them both wrong. Like with all things Dean related, I had taken his words to mean more than they did. His actions had always seemed to prove otherwise. I wasn’t that naïve anymore, and would never be to that extent ever again. It had cost me too much.

“What’s the favor, angel?”

My day went by quickly. I spent the majority of my time in the children’s ward, talking with the doctors and watching their procedures. I had woken up this morning with a sense of purpose. I would have to broach the subject with Rose at a later date. I didn’t want to distract her from the happiness she’d found or her studies. I knew my sister well and was still in the process of deciding just how to approach the subject of my career change with her. I had been certain of only one thing in the last month and that was that I loved being a doctor, and even more so, I loved being one on the front line fighting a disease I hated. There wasn’t anything original about it. I was one of thousands of doctors to step up to the plate, but it was what I loved to do. I wanted to fight cancer hard and dirty, and to help promote the hope of kicking the runaway epidemic in the ass. I had my own part of the universe to deal with it. In my hospital, each patient, each case, it was enough...for now.

I filled out the necessary paperwork after talking to Dr. Peirce in detail. It would take time to call myself an oncologist. I would have to start from the bottom, shadowing the more experienced doctors in the field. To me, the extra training would be well worth it. Pierce was thrilled with my decision and wished me the best. I knew the hardest part would be to try to sway Rose, but as far as following my heart was concerned, I’d done right by it in this case.

I spent the majority of the first half of my day getting my desk in order for the next resident. It could take days for me to get a position in the oncology department, weeks possibly if there was not anything available, but I wanted to get a head start.

At lunch, I saw Dean in the cafeteria eating alone and playing with his tablet. He seemed to look up as if he knew of my sudden appearance. I gave him a wink and a genuine smile as I grabbed a sandwich and drink before joining him. He seemed stunned at my easy approach and demeanor.

“Hi,” I said happily as I pointed to the chair next to him. He nodded, allowing me to join him.

“Dallas, I was going to call you last night, but you were so upset ...” He looked at me, his head tilted to the side. “Doesn’t seem like the case today.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” I said ruefully. “I’m good.” I cracked open my drink and sucked the small amount of spray that came with it. “Mom’s eggs benedict are the cure for everything.”

Dean looked at me warily, “Dallas, I just wanted to say, yesterday—”

“We have a past, we dated. That was then. That needs to be enough for you. You said let’s be friends. I want that. I think we can handle it.”

“Okay,” he conceded. His disappointment was evident, but I ignored it. I didn’t bother to look at him until I was half done with my sandwich.

“Dean, I want to be an oncologist. I’ve requested a permanent transfer to that department.”

“What the hell happened last night when I left you?” He leaned in, watching me carefully.

I shrugged. “Wine, my mother, and a good night’s sleep.”

“Wow, your mom told you to shoot me down,” he said, incredulous. “What did I ever do to her?”

“We didn’t talk about you,” I lied. “Besides, we dropped that subject,” I reminded him. “And now I’m asking you if you think I would be a good oncologist.”

“If that’s what you want, yes, Dallas, I think you will be amazing at whatever specialty interests you,” he assured me. “Lord knows, you’re a determined woman,” he finished. His double meaning wasn’t lost on me.

“Great, you take vaginas. I’ll cover the tumors.” He chuckled and I smiled broadly.

“It’s good to see you smile. You haven’t done a lot of that since I’ve been home.”

“I’ve had a lot to figure out. You want chocolate? I’m dying for some.”

He looked at me strangely. “Sure?”

“Do you have an hour?”

“Two actually, now that my last appointment canceled,” he muttered, following me to the trash.

“Great.” I grabbed his arm and whisked him into the elevator to the children’s ward where they were serving ice cream. Most of them were very sick from treatment but still managed a smile and had a joke or two. Dean seemed fascinated by their strength, as was I. I once spent an entire day studying their cases and was blown away by what some of the children had to endure at such a young age.

I would catch Dean looking at me from time to time as I hung out with my favorite kid, Ollie. We had snuck away from the crowd to join him in his private room. He was the child of a wealthy ranch owner and had spent the majority of his youth in and out of the hospital. He was older than the others and had a tell it like it is personality. It seemed most of the sicker kids—the long-term survivors—had decided they had no time for bullshit. Thirteen-year-old veteran, Ollie, with his copper hair and dark blue eyes took in Dean as he extended his hand.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Ollie asked me as he shook Dean’s hand.

“He was, a long time ago. He sucked at it,” I said as Dean’s mouth dropped open and Ollie burst out laughing.

“She’s a looker, doctor. You’re an idiot,” Ollie said, amused as he watched us both.

“I’m making a comeback,” he said, giving him a wink. “And she’s lying,” Dean said, looking over at me pointedly. “I was awesome.”

“Well, good luck with that,” Ollie said, retrieving his hand. “So, Dr. Whitaker, are you going to give this slob another chance?”

I ignored them both, countering with a statement of my own.

“You look good today,” I remarked of Ollie and the new hair growth on his head.

“I’m going to grow it in for our date,” he said sweetly.

“We aren’t going on a date. I’m taking you to see a Cowboys game.”

“Fine, call it what you will, Dr. Whitaker, but the connection is there,” Ollie remarked as Dean chuckled. “What are you laughing at? Are you blind? Look at her.”

“I have,” Dean said, still amused.

“Sorry,” I remarked to Dean, “he’s a little territorial, and delusional.”

“Har, Har, doctor. Seriously, marry me. It’s my wish,” Ollie said in a serious tone.

“Ask me when you are twenty,” I mused.

“Don’t worry, buddy, I got shot down the first time I asked her to marry me.” I stiffened at Dean’s words as my face burned in recognition.

“She’s a heartbreaker,” Ollie said loudly, forcing me to turn around.

“You know, fellas, love ain’t all there is. There’s more to life.”

“Oh yeah? This should be interesting,” Dean said, seemingly amused by my statement, crossing his arms and leaning against the window.

“Yeah,” I said, agitated. “A lot more. It doesn’t have to be the center of your universe. It’s just a component. There are career goals, and personal feats, and stones to overturn, rules to break.”

“Great argument,” Dean said weakly as Ollie did a slow clap.

“Did you get ice cream?” I asked Ollie, ignoring Dean, who was still staring at me.

“Yep, all set.”

“Great, Dean, let’s go. He needs a nap.”

“Don’t I get a kiss?” Ollie said, hopeful.

“When you’re twenty,” I replied, amused at his demeanor. He was only thirteen years old, and I could tell one day he would be a handsome man if he was graced with the time. I said a silent prayer for him then.

“Stop thinking about when I’m going to die, doc. If you’re joining oncology, you are going to have to work on your poker face.

“Shit, it’s that obvious?” I said, terrified.

“Yep,” he answered quickly. “What are my chances today?”

“Thirty percent,” I shot back.

“Pucker up, baby,” Ollie said confidently.

“Atta boy,” I said before shutting his door.

“He’s right, you know. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You are going to need to toughen up.”

“I’m tough!” I defended.

“In the smart assed, sassy, women’s lib kind of way. But you’re emotional, too.”

“Ew,” I said, walking toward the elevator. “I’m off to the dark side with Pierce. Wish me luck.”

“I had fun. Thanks for today,” he said, getting in the elevator with me.

“Sure,” I nodded pushing the button for each of our floors.

“So was that speech about love more for you or for me?” he asked as he took a step toward me. “I don’t believe a word of it.”

“Stop it,” I hissed vehemently.

“Let me get it right this time,” he said. I looked up to see him coming at me full force, his lips crashing down to mine. I yelped and he used it to his advantage as he thrust his tongue in deeply, taking my breath away. I sank against the elevator as he made love to my mouth urgently and said a quick “I’m not giving up” then let me go abruptly before the doors opened to let others on. I stood gasping and mourning the loss of him as the new crowd of riders stared at me oddly. I recovered, mumbling “Texas heat” as I fanned myself. A few of them nodded and one commented, “Supposed to reach one hundred and four today.” Dean didn’t bother to mask his laughter as he eyed me. When we were alone again, I glared at him while he whistled. I got out on my floor, flipping him off before the doors closed.

I heard Beatrice laughing hysterically as she caught my obscene gesture. I turned to see her hands up in defense as I gave her the evil eye. “What did he do?”

I shook my head as I pulled my phone out of my pocket to send a quick text.

DALLAS: I don’t want to be your friend.

DEAN: That makes two of us.

DALLAS: That’s not what I meant. Keep your hands and mouth off of me! It’s assault!

DEAN: That’s not what your tongue told me.

DALLAS: Go to hell.

DEAN: I was there yesterday, naked and on top of you.

I let out a frustrated groan as I threw up my hands. I spent the latter part of my shift cursing in frustration as I finished my charts alone in my office.

"I love you, I've always loved you, you own my heart, I have never loved anyone else". Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Now

Sunday I was at my mother’s, waiting on the arrival of my sister and her future husband. I spent the day decorating the house for the celebration, helping her cut roses from the garden and arranging them throughout the lower level of our family home. It looked absolutely perfect by the time guests started to arrive. Most were friends of Rose, who I’d met throughout the years, and a few friends of Grant. I’d learned from my mother Grant had recently been orphaned after his father’s recent passing and had no other living relatives. His mother had passed a few years prior, and besides the few friends invited here today, my sister was all he had left. I felt a certain level of sympathy and protectiveness for him and my sister’s bond before I’d even had a chance to meet him. I hoped I would feel the same as my mother and be able to embrace this stranger enough to trust him with the happiness of the person closest to me.

I opened the door for the next guest and froze. “Dean, what are you doing here?” He looked absolutely gorgeous in khaki slacks and a white button down shirt. He held a case of expensive champagne and gave me a knowing smile. I was instantly on guard.

“You look beautiful. Mind if I set this down?” I opened the door to usher him in then greeted the people waiting behind him.

“Jennifer,” I said, greeting Rose’s roommate and her longtime boyfriend Alex.

“Hey, Dallas,” she said as she walked in holding his hand. “Are they here?”

“Not yet.” I smiled, grabbed the wine she offered then followed them in. “What do you think of him?”

“Just wait,” she said, giving me a wink. “You’ll love him, I promise.”

“So I hear.” I suddenly felt the overwhelming guilt of not having met him. It seemed I would be the last one. Dean walked back to me from the kitchen, his scent intoxicating me. I was dressed in a floor length taupe dress that highlighted the small amount of curves I had and was accented by a little bit of sexy with thigh high slits on each side. I wore a pair of high-heeled wedge sandals that added height as I took Dean in at eye level. I’d worn my dark brown hair down in soft waves and done light makeup, aside from a heavy emphasis on my green eyes. I felt feminine, a feeling I had long missed since my daily wardrobe at home consisted of yoga pants. Dean’s appraisal of me now, made me feel even more so.

“You look absolutely stunning,” he said as he walked up to me and gave me a brief hug in greeting.

“Thank you, you look nice as well,” I commented letting my eyes take him in.

“I was invited,” he said carefully as he weighed my reaction to him, “by your mother.”

“Of course you were,” I said in slight amusement.

“Dean! Oh, honey, you came!” My mother said, stepping between us to give him a long hug. I took a step back and blew out a frustrated breath as my mother rambled on.

“Dear, God, you are gorgeous!” she complimented as she hugged him again, giving me a subtle wink. I rolled my eyes.

“Dean, what are you drinking?” I snapped rudely, which got me an amused look from both of them.

“Scotch?” he asked my mother who nodded.

“I’ve got it,” I said, walking out of the room, but not before I heard her tell him. “Give her time. She’ll come around.” I paused, waiting on his reply.

“I’m counting on it.”

Don’t hold your breath, asshat.

As strong as my attraction to him might have been, I had no intention of giving in. The sooner they accepted it the better. They could plot all they wanted. Every day I was determined to get stronger in my resolve and more confident in my decision in regards to my life. I returned to the living room, Dean’s scotch in my hand as he shook hands with my father, both of them smiling.

“It’s so good to see you, Dean,” my father said, patting his back as they chatted away. I held Dean’s drink toward him, eager to get away from the love fest. Dean took it without looking my way.

“You’re welcome,” I said heatedly as he leaned over and brushed my cheek in the most tender kiss.

“Thank you,” he said, nodding in my direction before ripping his eyes away from mine and concentrating on my father’s words. I stood motionless for a few seconds then turned on my heel.

“You must be so proud of them,” Dean said, humoring my father, though I heard a sense of pride in his voice as well.

“Hellooo!” Rose called from the entryway.

“Oh!” I said, turning the corner and froze when I took in the sight before me. Grant was brushing her hair away from her face as he murmured in her ear. She looked absolutely beautiful as she smiled and nodded before chasing his words with a soft kiss. Grant saw me first.

“Dallas.” He smiled as he made his way toward me. I stood motionless, unsure of how to greet him, before he pulled me in a long hug. The first thing that hit me was the sheer size of him. He must have stood six foot four and had the build of a lumberjack. He felt like he was made of stone as he swallowed me in his arms. He pulled back, smiling as I caught his deep blue eyes twinkling. I was instantly smitten. He was a beautiful man and warmness emulated from his every pore. “I promise, I’ll be so good to her. I’ll be a good brother, too.”

My eyes watered as I nodded to him and he pulled me in for another hug. My eyes met my sister’s over his shoulder as she teared up herself. Wow.

There was something comforting about Grant’s presence, something that made him special, and I wasn’t immune to it. My mother and father came in to greet them both, and after they were greeted with words of congratulations and fierce hugs, the champagne began to flow and the music started. Rose had decided to have a small wedding on New Year’s Eve. I watched her and Grant make their rounds to greet their guests. Grant shook Dean’s hand, and I could tell he too was impressed with him as I listened to their conversation. Grant seemed to be naturally honest and had an air about him that people seemed to embrace. Rose was absolutely glowing as she watched him.

My mother beamed at the happy couple as I watched the two of them steal a kiss, or give each other a knowing look. It was insanely intimate and I could feel their connection and found myself a little envious of what they shared. More so, I was elated that Rose had found Grant. He had long jet-black hair that suited him. He was no Dean Martin, but I had no doubt he’d been a heart breaker just the same. I watched as he caressed my sisters hand, adored her with his eyes. They were breathtaking.

“It’s a beautiful thing to watch,” Dean said, taking me by surprise. “You used to look at your parents that way.”

“I still do,” I admitted as Grant pulled Rose’s hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles before turning to give his attention to my mother.

“I like him. They seem good together,” he said before turning to me. I ripped my eyes away from my sister to look over at him. His eyes were roaming my body.

“Would you like some more scotch?” I asked, still playing hostess.

“No,” he said roughly.

“Dean—”

“What I want is to throw you over my shoulder, drive you back to my house, and make love to you all day long, and every day after that for the rest of your life.”

I pushed out a shaky breath.

“You used to look at me that way,” he said, his voice full of remorse, his face filled with longing. “I’d give anything to have that look back. I want you with every single breath I take. Familiar or not, I want all of you.”

Paralyzed by his confession and unable to tear my eyes away, I stood on my newly shaky legs, completely speechless. Dean had never been a subtle man, especially when it came to the way he felt about me, aside from hiding his feelings in high school. Our adult relationship had been the opposite. Dean had never once held back from exactly what he wanted me to know about himself, the way he felt about me, and what our relationship had meant to him. It kept me more than sated in our union. It was one of the reasons I had trusted him so completely when we were together, and why I’d fallen so damn hard.

He’d never made me guess about his whereabouts, never purposefully made me jealous. He never played games with me. I always knew where I stood and it was always as his first priority. I lied to Ollie about the fact that he’d been a shitty boyfriend. He had been an amazing friend and lover. A flood of memories came back all at once, rushing to the surface, and making their presence known. These memories consisted of nothing but the talks we used to have about our future, days and nights filled with endless laughter and amazing sex, rainy days spent studying while trying to remain dressed in my dorm room, our summer at the lake, and the last unbeatable night Dean had called me his own. Fighting with him had even been enjoyable in its own right. I saw all these things in the crystal blue depths of his eyes. He was a passionate man, much like his mother, a natural romantic. It never felt forced with him, only natural. I’d never left his side without a smile, or his bed without feeling completely full of him, confident in our relationship.

“You remember,” he whispered as he pulled my hand to his beautiful full lips and placed small sensual kisses against my knuckles before letting it go. I nodded in agreement to his statement. We were beautiful. If not the same, than even more so than Rose and her fiancé. Loud laughter filled the room next to us as the front door opened and Josh walked in then froze. Our posture was intimate, though we were feet apart as he openly glared at us.

“I’ll refill my own glass, thank you.” Dean acknowledged Josh with a nod as he made his way back to the party.

“Why the hell is he here?” Josh said, irritated as he scanned me from head to toe as he approached me.

“My mother invited him. He’s an old friend of the family. Rose wanted him here,” I defended.

“I thought he was an old college friend,” he bit out viciously, unable to hide his distaste.

“I’ve known him since high school,” I said, dreading his reaction.

“I got my shift covered at the last minute and thought I’d surprise you. Looks like you weren’t missing me,” he hissed, leaning in possessively.

“Stop it. Don’t act like a jerk. This is an important night for my sister,” I scolded. “Don’t act pissy around my family.”

“Fine, you’re right, but you promised me you would stay away from him.”

“Again, I didn’t invite him, but he’s not going anywhere. You might want to get used to that,” I said defiantly as he gripped my wrist, turning me to face him.

“And I’m not supposed to take offense to that? I’m thinking maybe you don’t want me here. It’s written all over your face.”

“Suit yourself,” I said, ripping my wrist away and rubbing the soreness out from his too tight grip.

“Josh,” my father greeted, “come and see my newest design.” I mouthed a thank you to my father, who seemed to be picking up on the animosity between us.

“Sir, it’s good to see you,” he greeted, shaking his hand. I looked up to see Dean had watched the scene play out. His deadly gaze was fixed on Josh. I shook my head at him then turned my attention to Rose.

Now was not the time. I hurried upstairs to get myself together. I walked into the bathroom, seeing evidence of my arousal from Dean’s words all over my face. I shook it off. I didn’t want to entertain it any further or I was sure I would happily let him whisk me away to fulfill his promise to touch me the way I craved him. Every word I’d said, every promise I’d made to myself fell away with Dean’s words. I couldn’t stop shaking. If I gave in to Dean, what would that say about me? I’d come so far from the girl who had begged him not to break her heart in New York, from the fifteen-year-old who vied desperately for his attention. No matter what decision I made about Dean, I was becoming more certain about Josh. He was right. I hadn’t wanted him there. I should have been relieved when he showed up. I had been slowly withdrawing from him and he knew it, but I refused to let Dean be the reason.

“There you are,” Rose said as I made my way down the stairs. “I feel like I haven’t seen you at all.”

“I’ve been playing hostess, but I’m all yours,” I said cheerfully.

“Come on, let’s go hit our spot,” she said, grabbing my hand. She led me out to my mother’s rose garden where we took a seat on the cedar bench. It had been a rendezvous point for the women of our family for as long as I could remember.

“He’s beautiful, Rose, truly,” I complimented as she smiled broadly.

“He’s so much more than that.”

I noticed her demeanor change and asked, “What? What’s wrong?”

“Things are too good, you know? It’s a miracle I found him, or actually, he found me. Do you know what his first words to me were?”

Feeling the guilt associated with not knowing a damn thing, I quickly remedied by saying, “Tell me everything.”

“He introduced himself to me on campus as the man who was going to marry me.” She laughed, her eyes distant with the memory. She told me how their whirlwind romance started and how he was dating a woman who was in medical school that had attended her first class when she literally ran into him. He had watched her squirm under his stare the entire three hour lecture before professing to her in a crowded hallway that she was it for him.

“I thought he was insane,” she said thoughtfully, “but then I got to know who he really was and...God, sorry, I’m babbling.”

“As you should, Rose, it’s a really cool story. Please forgive me for not being a better sister.”

“We are both so busy. One day, we will get to all of it,” she promised and I nodded. “How about tonight I stay here with you and we do just that?”

“No way, this is your engagement party. I’m sure your fiancée wants to take you home and ravage you. How about next week? Just you and me, okay?”

“Deal.” She smiled. “So I see Dean and Josh are both here,” she remarked, raising her perfect strawberry blonde brow at me. “What are you going to do?”

“Drink,” I said, clinking my champagne glass against hers.

“So, with Dean, anything there?”

“Too much.” Admitting the truth to my sister felt good. I was done with denial half an hour ago with Dean’s admission. I had been running from the truth long enough.

“And Josh?” she asked carefully.

I shook my head no. I’d been fighting that inevitability long enough as well.

“Hey, beautiful,” Grant called from inside the door. “Come on, I have something for you.” We both stood up and I gave her a brief hug before she joined Grant. I followed them both in. I looked to see everyone gathered around. A piece of canvas sat on top of my father’s model table, which now sat on our kitchen table. My father encouraged Rose to unveil it and we all waited silently, excited for her reaction. Our brother Paul stood with his arms wrapped around Hilary with excitement in his eyes as Rose jumped in reaction.

“Oh, Grant,” she exclaimed, looking at the model of her future home. “It’s perfect.”

“We are going to build it for you, sweetheart,” my father said, meeting Paul’s eyes with a nod, his pride in his ability to make her dream home a reality. Rose had mentioned that Grant owned some land they were planning to build a house on. She threw herself into my father’s arms as she cried happy tears, then my father made a toast. Everyone in the room clinked glasses, and I felt arms slide around me as Josh apologized sweetly in my ear.

“I’m sorry. I love you,” he said, kissing my cheek, his warmth radiating from him. I nodded as I looked up to see Dean watching us. His expression was pained as he looked on at Rose. He stood still for several seconds before setting his glass down on the counter and walking out of the room. Feeling the need to go to him, I excused myself from Josh, just as my father recruited him to bring out the cake.

“Dean.” I stopped him at the door.

“Please apologize for me,” he said, opening the door then closing it behind him. I opened it, stepping out and grabbing his arm. “I can’t fucking take this,” he said as he faced me, his lips coming in hard and fast. I pushed him away with a fierce “No.”

He stumbled away, the hurt on his face ripping into me.

“It’s not right. You can’t just throw a fit when you don’t get what you want. You are better than this.”

“You’re right,” he said, fumbling in his pocket for his keys. “It won’t happen again.” I nodded as he took a step forward. “But don’t think for one second that I’m giving up on you. I’ll be patient, and wait for you to do...whatever it is you need to do.”

“I’m doing the right thing, Dean,” I argued.

“Bullshit,” he said, cupping the back of my head and forcing me to face him. “You are cowering away in your corner with a safe bet. You don’t want to hurt him, I understand that, but you are only going to hurt him in the long run.”

“You’re pretty confident about that, aren’t you, you smug bastard? You’re so sure I’ll come running back to you.” He dropped his hand and closed his eyes tightly.

“I’m running back to you, Dallas, can’t you see that?”

“Took you long enough,” I said sarcastically.

He backed me up against the door, his frustration rolling off of him.

“Does it feel good to see me like this? Completely fucking ruined that he gets to touch you when I can’t? That I’ll go home tonight out of my mind with the fact that he gets to have your smiles, your laugh, and your body? Because if having me like this is what you are aiming for, I’m there.” I shook my head no furiously as he leaned in closer.

“I’m not intentionally trying to make you feel any certain way. You damn men and your egos. He’s my boyfriend. You have no right to feel this way or to guilt me for being his.” I exhaled as he pushed away from the door, backing away slowly. “I’ve explained this to you repeatedly. You put yourself in this situation and have given me nothing but hell about it ever since.”

“Maybe,” he said, “and maybe I’m finally doing what you wanted me to years ago. I’ll keep fighting for you, Dallas, until you realize that I’m not going anywhere.”

“Looks like it to me,” I said as he clasped his keys in his hands.

“Seriously,” he said, as if I was the one being completely unreasonable.

“Get your entitled ass back into that house, spend the evening with my family—a family who embraced you as one of their own for half your life, might I add—and congratulate my sister. Right now, you’re acting like an ass. You don’t deserve my loyalty or theirs by pulling this crap.”

He looked shocked as he absorbed my words.

“You have no right to touch me, Dean, or to ask me to leave my ‘safe bet,’ or anything else for that matter. You have no right to judge my life or how I live it. I asked you to be a friend, not put yourself in direct competition with the man who’s held my hand through the last year of my life. He deserves my loyalty and faithfulness. You want to make me believe you, that you’re sincere about your feelings for me, fine. I’m giving you that chance now.”

I walked back into the house and downed a glass of champagne, trying to drown out the heat I felt from our exchange. No matter how I felt about my relationship with Josh, I owed it to him to stay faithful for as long as it lasted. I had already blown it by returning Dean’s kiss.

I joined Josh in the kitchen and passed out several slices of cake as Dean strolled in through the back door with his arm around Paul. They seemed to be on the tail end of a serious discussion. I gave Dean a questioning look and he answered with a wink and a knowing look and turned his attention back to Paul. I smiled slowly.

He came back.

The last few hours of the party played out smoothly. I watched as my sister and her fiancé said their farewells to the guests as they made their way out. Dean made it a point to be the last to say goodbye, and I couldn’t help but smile at him as he gave me a small amount of attitude with his curt goodbye. He even went as far as shaking Josh’s hand. Josh reluctantly took it, the unspoken promise of a good ass kicking lingering between them both. I pulled Josh back, wished Dean a good night, and noted his eyes brushing over our clasped hands.

It’s always a whirring sound. They sound nothing like trains like I’d been told. It was silent except for the never-ending whipping of the wind that surrounded me. In this dream, there were three of them circling and growing closer. I’d been in this dream before a thousand times. I shouldn’t be afraid, but still I was terrified. I was in a field with absolutely no shelter. Three cylindrical clouds destroying everything in their path. The horizon was filled with light as the tornadoes mocked the peaceful skyline with their overbearing and destructive presence. The space between them and I was vast, and yet I could feel the wind lashing my face. I felt their eminence. They were coming...They were coming for me. Their path was clear by the way they surrounded me. The field’s blades started thrashing erratically as the fear set in. I screamed but nothing came out. I felt helpless, hopeless. They were coming ...

I woke up choking and gasping, a scream lodged in my throat. I turned to see Josh sleeping peacefully as I tried desperately to catch my breath. I let the tears fall silently as the feeling of complete despair stayed with me.

Tornadoes. Always the fucking tornadoes.

I evened out my breathing then grabbed the sheet from the bed, wrapping it around me. It was not always the same scenario but it was so close there was no mistaking the dream and its effect on me remained the same.

Pure devastation.

I used to think it was a blessing to remember my dreams, especially the ones where I took flight. They were exhilarating. Now I looked at the recollection of them as more as a curse. They were vivid and some of the time they hurt and could ruin an entire day of my life. Today in particular, not all the soap and water in the world could wash away the sick feeling that lingered.

I knew exactly where that dream stemmed from.

I was covered in sweat. I looked through Josh’s blinds as the sun peeked through the buildings of downtown Dallas. I made my way to his shower, staying as quiet as possible. I didn’t want him to see me this way.

I heard the shower door open and greeted Josh with a cold-shouldered “Hi.”

“Good morning,” he murmured wrapping his arms around my waist. I pulled away from him and immediately felt him stiffen behind me. I’d denied him sex after the party and blamed a headache for the reason for my early retreat to bed. But as of this morning, I was done lying.

“Dallas, please let me touch you,” he demanded, turning me to face him. I haven’t seen you in weeks. I miss you. I need to feel you.”

“Josh, we need to talk,” I said, pulling myself out of the shower and grabbing a towel. I looked to see his face fall as he followed me out.

“It’s him. It’s Dean, isn’t it?” Josh said, wrapping a towel around his waist.

“No, it’s us,” I said softly, unable to look at him as he stood in front of me.

“What is it, Dallas? I’m a patient man, but I can only handle so much. I saw the way you looked at him at that party. And what in the hell is wrong with us?” he asked, his voice growing more impatient.

“I’m sorry. This just isn’t going to work,” I offered as I turned to get my clothes.

“No fucking way, Dallas. You don’t get to pull this crap on me and walk away.” He rounded the corner and caught my arm.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking a lot about us and I just don’t see a future,” I said, shoving my legs into my scrubs as quickly as humanly possible.

“This isn’t about our future. No, this is about some fucking guy that wants his way back into your pants and has got you confused,” he argued, pulling my shirt away from me as I tried to put it on. I tugged at the end and we ended up in a small tug-of-war, which I lost. I took a seat on the bed in defeat as I stared at my feet.

“Look at me, Dallas,” he commanded, his voice hoarse with emotion. “If you’re going to rip my fucking heart out, the least you can do is look at me,” he reasoned. I looked up to see his face filled with hurt. “I was going to ask you to be my wife.”

I looked at him evenly. “And what would I have said, Josh? I already told you I didn’t want to move in with you. Why would you even think about marriage?”

He picked up the clock that was next to his bed and threw it against the wall.

“I knew this was going to happen the night I saw you at that fucking restaurant!” He fumed around me, pacing back and forth as I stared at the now ruined drywall.

“Well, I didn’t,” I said softly. “This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the way I feel about you.”

“Bullshit, stop fucking lying to me. Did you fuck him?” he asked, standing over me.

“Of course not!” I barked back, taking my shirt from the floor and putting it on. “And this is not about him. This is about what you deserve and it’s not me. I can’t give you marriage. I can’t even give you half of that,” I said, trying to reason my way through it.

The truth was there was no right way to break up with someone. My girlfriend Cammie once told me that in a relationship one always loves the other a little more. And the truth for me was, though I never wanted to be in the wrong position again, I knew the reward of being the one hopelessly in love.

There was no comparison and my heart refused to settle.

I should’ve done this a lot sooner. I hated the way I knew I was making Josh feel more than the idea of the break up. I knew better. I had done this to him. I had strung him along, and I needed to face whatever hurt I caused him. I knew this pain and it surpassed everything else I’d ever felt.

He stopped his pacing to face me. “I didn’t just want to get married. It wasn’t something I had to have. I wanted to marry you. There’s a big fucking difference.” He stood before me, lifting my chin to tilt my head so I was forced to meet his watery eyes. “Don’t do this. Please, baby, I love you,” he pleaded.

“I don’t love you the same way,” I said softly but firmly. “And I think you know that. I think you’ve known it,” I said seeing the truth in his eyes.

“So what if I did? I don’t care,” he said, placing a kiss on my jaw, his arms surrounding me.

“You will, and it’s not fair to me, either.” I stepped out of his grasp then pulled my hair through a tie. “Josh, I’m sorry. I should have done this sooner. I had no right to—”

“Just go,” he said, walking toward his bathroom.

“This is how you say goodbye to me?” I implored with watery eyes, my voice cracking.

He turned in the doorway, his towel still wrapped around him as I admired his chiseled chest. It was impossible not to. “What do you want to hear, Dallas? Oh, I know what you want. ‘We can be friends.’ No, I don’t want to be your fucking friend. I don’t want to talk a few months down the road as if I never loved you, was never inside you. I’m not that guy.”

At least we agreed on that, because I wasn’t that girl, either.

“I understand,” I said with a nod. I looked up at him, seeing the twist in his features that tore a piece of me in half. “I do love you—”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he hissed before walking into the bathroom and slamming the door.

I understood that, too...all too well. I left with everything I’d ever brought to his place.

My heart plummeted as I walked out of his apartment for the last time. The death of our friendship would have me grieving for a lifetime. I’d just lost him.

Josh.

Dallas

One Month Later

“Dr. Whitaker, what do you see?” Dr. Nichols asked as I studied the recent scan results. “Looks like a cardiac sarcoma stemming from the right aortic valve at least a half inch in diameter.”

“Very good,” he answered.

“I read they were a rarity. What course of treatment would you suggest?” I asked.

“I’ll take this particular case, Dr. Whitaker. We can discuss all of the options and make them together once I get a current health assessment. I am impressed. Most would have diagnosed differently. It is, in fact, a rarity.”

“Thank you,” I said, half-heartedly. I had to remind myself just because I had elected to be a doctor of specialty, I was no specialist yet. He had every right to take this case into his skilled hands. It would all come with time and practice. On the other hand, I had been able to diagnose and treat several cases with the help and governing of several others in the oncology wing. Dr. Nichols gave me a smile before retreating down the hall, and I froze when I saw Dean waiting for me. He was insanely beautiful as he spoke to Beatrice. I had begged the hospital and her both to keep her on my service. She had reluctantly agreed after twenty years on her floor. I hadn’t seen Dean since Rose’s party over a month ago and assumed he was trying to give me some space. As I approached, I smiled at him and he returned it.

“Dallas, do you have a minute?”

“Of course,” I said, giving Beatrice a wink. I led Dean into my office, connecting my tablet to the charger then taking a seat behind my desk.

He shut the door behind him and stood there with his hands behind his back. He was not dressed for work and looked more than appetizing in freshly starched jeans and a button down shirt that matched his eyes. His hair was freshly cut, and I noticed his skin had grown considerably darker.

“I called to apologize to you more than once,” he said dryly, his voice filled with gravel.

“I’ve been busy helping Rose plan her wedding, and with trying to fit in here. I did get your messages.” I shifted uncomfortably under his stare. He was less than pleased with my excuse.

“I’ve just come from my mother’s.”

“Oh, how is she? I wanted to call and ask you—” I cut myself off, knowing he had caught on to the fact that I’d been purposefully avoiding him.

“Well, she’s fantastic, actually, thanks to you,” he said, cornering my desk and taking a seat on it in front of me. “Dallas, what you did for her...for me.”

“It was nothing but a favor from my dad. I couldn’t stand the thought of you missing out on your time with her to repair that house. You might have been punishing yourself spending every spare minute repairing it, but you were missing out on precious time with her. I didn’t do anything, really. My father—”

“Was absolutely amazing. He not only repaired the house, he had the best landscape architect come in and get the garden back to what it was. Dallas ...” He pulled me from my chair and wrapped his arms around me. “Thank you.” I hugged him back tightly, pulling away before I was forced to inhale his scent.

“So she’s happy?” I asked, excited about the thought of her seeing her garden restored. I would make it a point to go visit her in the next week. I smiled at Dean as he kept me in his embrace.

“I’m really glad,” I said awkwardly.

“I can’t let you pay for that,” he said, letting me go.

“My father made some calls and got all the materials donated. He was happy to do the work, and my mother was happy to have him out of the house. It was a win-win. Don’t insult him by trying to pay him back. He wouldn’t hear of it. You are like a son to him, Dean.”

He shook his head. “I’ve already tried, and he said the same thing. I’m lucky to know your family, and you’re right. I don’t deserve their loyalty.”

“I was angry. I didn’t mean that.”

“Let me take you out tonight,” he asked, guarded. “At least let me have that.”

I nodded. “I’m off in two hours.”

“Great, I’ll meet you in the lobby?”

“Sure.”

I locked my office, and for the first time allowed my mind to drift to Dean since he had made my larger office seem like the size of a coat closet. He dominated any space he was in so easily. I met him in the lobby as promised and after our greeting, we walked in silence to his car. I could not read his mood, which was odd, and looked at him curiously. He smiled over at me as he started his car.

“What’s up with you?” I asked.

“I’m still thinking about my mom,” he answered, giving me a soft look. “Dallas, she left the house for the first time in two years today to sit in her garden. She sat there all day talking to Rita. I couldn’t...” He paused, full of emotion, and I reached over to grab his hand. “It would have taken me years to get that place back to what it was. At first, I was angry with you. And you’re right, I was using it as a kind of penance for not being there for her when she needed me, but the truth was staring me in the face all day. You were right about so many things.” He finished by taking my hand and kissing the back of it once, twice, then slowly putting it back in my lap.

My vagina scrambled to attention, but I stifled her excitement.

I felt the pull then, the need to lean over and press my lips to his. I cleared my throat as he broke eye contact then put the car into gear.

“How’s Josh?” he asked. “Before you take my head off, I mean that sincerely. When I said you were right about a lot of things, I meant you handing my ass to me at your parents’ house, too. If he is the better man, and you are truly happy, that’s all I want.”

“Wow, seems like someone ate all his vegetables,” I said, rolling down his window so I could breathe in something other than his sea and wood scent. He dressed up to take me out to dinner, looking gorgeous in a light sweater. Fall had made its presence known this last month and I felt the cool air hit me.

“I’m just trying to be a respectable guy.” He took his gaze from the road and eyed me briefly. “You look beautiful,” he said as I crossed my legs in the seat. I had worn a turtleneck dress that hit mid-thigh, and high boots. I saw a large amount of leg was exposed as I shifted in my seat, covering it up as he caught an eyeful.

“Thank you,” I said, rolling the window down further. I suddenly felt like I was suffocating.

“I can turn on the A/C if you want.” He chuckled, noticing me shift uneasily.

“Dean, where are we going?”

“We’re here,” he said, pulling into a parking garage and easing to a stop in one of the available spaces.

“Where is here?”

“Come on,” he said, getting out of his side then coming to meet me at mine. I took his hand and felt the ever-present jolt between us. He noticed it as well, but for the first time, when my eyes flew to his, he ignored the connection purposefully. I smiled at the thought. He was really trying.

We walked around a corner and I saw the brightly lit trees of the restaurant first. It was a cool night, the feeling of fall in the air.

“God, I love the smell of fall,” I noted as he walked through the front doors.

“Always seemed to be a good time for us, didn’t it?” he added as he gestured to the hostess for a table for two. We were led to a small candlelit table.

“Pretty romantic, Dr. Martin,” I said, raising my brows as he ordered a bottle of champagne.

“This is different. They serve the most immaculate food and this is a celebration,” he said in defense. “Look, elbows on the table,” he said, wiggling his fingers in front of me so I could see them.

“I’m not afraid of what you’ll do to me tonight.”

“No? Not afraid I may corner you somewhere?” His lips turned up on one side with a sexy smirk as he sat back in his seat.

“I’m more afraid of what I’ll do to you,” I said, casually glancing away from my menu to gauge his reaction.

“Come again?” he said, leaning in.

I licked my lips as I took a sip of champagne then asked the waitress for water as well, my mouth suddenly dry. “Let’s just order,” I said, changing the subject. He wore a slightly confused look as he appeared to concentrate on the menu.

We sat in silence until the waitress came back to take our order.

“You are so beautiful,” he said, closing his menu. “What you did for my mother, beautiful. What you are doing for your patients is amazing.”

“How would you know?”

“I got curious when you wouldn’t return my calls,” he said, shrugging my shoulders.

“Ah, Beatrice,” I said, “she has a mouth on her.”

“I like her very much,” he said sincerely. “She’s a straight shooter.”

“That she is, and apparently a spy for you.” Shaking my head, I continued, “You are shameless.”

“So I talk to her once a day,” he admitted without apology. “She said you have been tireless in your efforts.”

“I just want to do more for them, Dean. I just want to change the standard practice of treatment, become a little more involved. Diet, counseling...Over all, I just want to provide better care. The first thing people do when they are diagnosed and hear the word cancer is brace themselves for death. I want to change that instinct from hopelessness to fight.”

“You have my attention. Tell me more.”

He must have sensed my excitement to share with him, because as I started to speak, a slow warm smile covered his face. We finished the bottle of champagne as I laid out my treatment plan and he added his suggestions.

“You’re glowing, you know, when you talk about this. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited.”

“I just know it could work. I mean, it’s nothing new. It’s simple, really, but I think it could change things for the better.”

“Well, then...get it done,” he mused, crossing his arms in front of him.

“I’m on it. Piece of cake,” I said, chuckling.

“I believe you can,” he said sincerely.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I looked around us. The feel of the restaurant was amazing. I heard Etta James singing “I’ve Been Loving You” as I took in the Tiffany chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and the high backed, plush red chairs we sat in. The décor was tasteful, elegant, and romantic. Dean took a rose from a basket the hostess brought by and handed it to me. I inhaled the fragrant flower with my comment.

“I think I’m in love with this place.”

“Wait until you taste the food,” he said. “You will love it even more.”

“Take one of your dates here recently, hot shit?”

“I haven’t been on a date in a very long time, Dallas,” he said seriously. I nodded, dropping the subject.

Dean was on point. The food was amazing and the sounds coming out of both of us as we tasted each other’s dishes were moans of appreciation. We kept the conversation light and laughed hysterically as we took a trip or two down memory lane. I had to force myself to finish my food instead of eyeing my date. The longer I was with him, the more certain I became of my decision, and I told him as much as he walked me back to his car an hour later.

“Take me home?” I asked as he shook his head in reply. We drove in silence as the mood changed from lighthearted to heavy.

“What is it?” I asked as I studied his beautiful face in the cabin of his sleek car.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but I think I like you more now than I did when we were younger. Even when you’re bitching me out,” he said softly. “I really like the woman you’ve become.”

“And what’s she like?”

“Are you fishing for compliments, Dallas?”

“Absolutely,” I said with a chuckle. He parked the car outside my house then turned to face me.

“Strong, beautiful, determined, ambitious, family oriented, hard headed, infuriating—”

“Some of those aren’t compliments,” I said in jest.

“I guess it depends on who you’re asking.”

“Good enough,” I piped, exiting the car.

“I’ll walk you,” he said as I reached in my purse for my keys.

“Come in. I have something for you,” I said as I turned my key in the lock. I felt the nerves course through me and was thankful for the champagne.

“Oh,” he said, taking a step in.

“Yep,” I said, throwing my purse on my couch.

“What?” he said, closing the door behind him, his head tilted to the side, a small smile on his lips.

He stood still, watching me and waiting for my response.

My answer was a heated look as I took my earrings out. I sat on the edge of my couch, unzipping my boots slowly as I kept my eyes trained on his. He took a step away from the door, still completely transfixed on me. I stopped his next step by crisscrossing my arms at the hem of my dress and pulling it over my head. His eyes caught fire as he took in my black lace bra and panty set.

“Dallas,” he exhaled as my now unhooked bra fell to the floor. I stood up, completely bared to him in just the small triangle of lace covering my front.

I walked toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck above me, running my fingers through the back of his hair, and pressing my bare breasts against his chest.

“I remember you, Dean Martin, very, very well.” I kissed him softly on his parted lips. “But tonight isn’t about then.”

“Dallas,” he said hoarsely as he looked over my body. “I don’t know if I can rip myself away from you despite your answer, but Josh—”

I shook my head as he read me, then I was in his arms in an instant. He walked to my bedroom, setting me down gently on the bed, his hands behind my head. Crystal blue eyes raked my body as he caressed my skin.

“Jesus, Dallas,” he rasped out as my nipple peaked before his mouth claimed it. He sucked greedily as I arched my back off the bed, moaning his name. His eyes shot up to mine in recognition, filled with emotion as he backed away, kneeling on the bed as he unbuttoned his shirt. I sat up, helping him as he kept his eyes glued to mine. I slid his shirt off his shoulders as he gripped my chin with one hand, sliding his thumb across my lips. He had yet to kiss me. I kissed his passing thumb and caught it with my teeth, sucking on it slowly. I was rewarded with a deep growl. He pushed me on my back as he stood up, unbuttoning his pants and letting them fall slowly away from him. He hesitated only a second before his boxers followed, his eyes never leaving mine. He stood at the foot of the bed and leaned forward, hooking my panties with his pointer fingers and dragging them slowly down my body before adding them to the growing pile on the floor.

The bed dipped with his weight as he hovered above me. He said nothing as I opened my self to him, hooking his calves with my legs. He sank down, taking residence between my thighs, his beautiful and impressive length making me gasp out as it nudged my entrance. I waited on Dean as he drank me in.

After several moments, Dean leaned down slowly and took my lips. The contact made me cry out as I felt the moisture and need build between my thighs. I opened for him as he plunged his tongue inside my mouth, kissing me thoroughly until my body was begging for him. When he’d had his fill, he pulled away from my lips, keeping my eyes on his while his fingers found my sex. He exhaled harshly when he found me swollen and ready for him.

“I’ve dreamt about this for so long,” he whispered as he took my lips again then pulled back, his eyes darkening with desire as he thrust into me fully in one sweeping movement. We both cried out, the feeling of our connection overwhelming. As hard as I tried, I could not stop the tears that ran down my temple. My lips trembled as he thrust into me slowly and with so much friction, I sank my fingers into his skin.

“Don’t cry, Dally,” he pleaded, slowing his hips to stroke my face.

“It feels so good,” I whispered back as another set of well-earned tears escaped me. “Please, don’t stop.”

He placed his lips on mine as I trembled against him, my entire body waking up and welcoming him. He moaned out, his control slipping as he kissed my chin then buried his lips in my neck, licking and sucking.

“Dean,” I croaked out, my legs shaking uncontrollably as my release approached.

“Let go,” he said gently. “I want to watch you come.” He thrust upward, hitting me so deeply that I burst around him in complete ecstasy. “Oh, God, Dean,” I cried, my tears impossible to hold back as he picked my bottom half up and stroked me exquisitely slow until I had no choice but let go again.

He sat up with us still connected and guided my arms around his neck. I moaned as I tightened my legs around his waist, pulling him in deeper. He picked me up by my hips and pulled me back down, slowly grinding every hard inch of himself inside me. “You’re everything to me, Dallas,” he declared before claiming my lips in a slow kiss as he pumped out his orgasm, filling me. “Everything.”

We lay curled up, neither of us speaking. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I didn’t utter a word to encourage him. He stroked my back with his skilled hands as I tilted my head up to study his face. I traced his jaw with my fingertips and trailed them down to his chest as I tucked in closer, breathing him in. It felt so natural to hold him this way and I felt completely comfortable and sated in his arms.

“Dallas...anything I say won’t be good enough. I got caught up in the life I was living. I never forgot.”

“Don’t,” I protested, immediately pulling myself away then grabbing his shirt off of the floor before slipping it on.

“Dallas...please talk to me,” he pleaded as I walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I stood looking in the mirror and turned away quickly, wondering if I would ever keep a promise to myself. I’d made the decision to be intimate with him, and now I felt obligated to answer the underlying question of where it could lead. I wanted to believe that I could handle the physical touch I’d craved from him in the present without dragging in the hurtful past, but I knew better. I showered quickly then opened the door, unsure of where he would be. He was still naked and in bed. His eyes flew to me immediately.

“I figured it would be important to stay where I was,” he grinned at me. I sucked in my lips pressing them into a line to stifle my smile.

“You are smiling,” he noted.

“No, I’m not.”

“Well, if you can’t get that stick out of your ass, please allow me to inspect.” He flew from the bed and captured me as I yelped. He tossed my still damp body over his shoulder and onto the soft mattress as I cursed his good name while he pinned me down. Burying his head between my thighs, I pulled his hair hard.

“Mmmhmm, mmmhmm,” he said, pretending to inspect my derriere.

“How do you do that?” I asked as he looked up at me with a grin.

“Do what?”

“You know, stare at those all damn day.” He nuzzled my skin and placed a small kiss on my thigh. “First of all, I don’t stare. That’s just rude. And second, I do more than pap smears. I deliver babies and help parents who can’t have babies make them. I was specializing in IVF before I left New York.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to bag on your specialty, vag man.”

“Nice,” he said, rolling his eyes and positioning himself on top of me. He kissed me deeply then pulled away, searching my face.

“I’m going to help Paul and Hilary.” I jerked my head back in question as he explained. “They are having a hard time conceiving. Paul came to me at the engagement party.”

“I had no idea. Oh no! I joked about their failure to produce an heir. God, I feel terrible.”

“Dally, this isn’t something couples openly discuss at the dinner table. It’s painful, but I’m sure they didn’t take offense. They came to me for help, and it’s a good first step. I had my first consultation with them last Monday. I’m pretty confident about it.”

“That’s wonderful. I’m...happy they came to you.”

I lay beneath him as he scanned my face with a worried look.

“I’m fine,” I said forcefully.

“No, you aren’t. You don’t trust me not to hurt you and you’re doing your damndest to make sure I don’t. Dallas, I’m not leaving.” He kissed me deeply as I sighed into him.

I nodded once. He shook his head with slight irritation then took my lower lip between his teeth.

“I didn’t break up with him for you,” I said adamantly.

“Okay,” he mumbled as he kissed my throat.

“We have to take things slow. I have a lot going on,” I warned, nudging his head with my shoulder so he looked at me.

“Too late for that. What else,” he said, moving down my body with his kiss.

“I—oh God!” I gasped as his tongue flattened between my legs. He laid his hand on my stomach to hold me down while he devoured me with long slow licks. I writhed in gratitude as he slid his tongue down my aching slit, finding purchase in the sensitive tissues.

“Tastes like home,” he said, sliding his fingers inside me as he sucked on my bundled nerves. I came in a hard rush, praising him and God simultaneously loud enough to wake my entire condo complex.

He finished his praise by sucking my folds leisurely as the last of my shudders subsided.

“I’m going to take you hard. Hold on to me,” he warned before moving up my body, rolling me onto my stomach, and gripping my shoulders. In one breath-stealing thrust, he was buried inside me to the root. He began to roll his hips, his movements sending me spiraling toward the edge. He took me deep as he whispered into my ear before sinking his teeth into my shoulder. I came again instantly, bucking underneath him. Turning me back over and pulling me to the edge of the bed, he molded my body to his touch, praising me as he gave himself to me. “I’m the last man that will ever have you,” he promised with every thrust before giving in and burying his head in my chest.

Sleeping with Dean was inevitable. How amazing it was made me even more terrified, but at the same time, I was elated he still wanted me that way and no other. He’d said all the things I wanted to hear. And though my head gave me warning with every word I recalled, my heart resumed its loyal place, filled with all things Dean Martin.

I could’ve stayed in bed and pressed repeat but I wanted to think about him and crave him before we went any further. I thought I would be elated with having him back in my life in a more intimate way. I was beyond that. I felt new.

I felt like I was breathing again.

I had to at least try to enjoy the moment, even if deep down some part of me would always believe our happiness wouldn’t last. I didn’t want to be the pathetic case that had clung to him crying last night. I’d come a hell of a long way from that girl and I owed it to myself to show him who I was now.

I was hesitant to think about a possible future with him. For the first time in a very long time, I just wanted to let myself feel the way I used to with him. Last night was a great start. He’d exhausted me until I fell into a deep sleep. I’d only woken up when he pulled me to him and murmured “Dallas,” in his slumber.

I dressed quickly the next morning, leaving a sleeping Dean with a note. I had lab results waiting and I honestly thought there was nothing worse than being the person who was waiting on them. I wanted the way I treated my new patients to go above and beyond what was expected instead of just a simple diagnosis and course of action. I wanted to be heavily involved in their treatment and aftercare. I wanted to take a step further away from the gray area.

My confidence and smile was short lived when I received the results of Mrs. Tanner’s biopsy. I did a consult with two other oncologists before letting her know we had a long road and the well-rehearsed speech of getting her affairs in order.

“Only a sadist would go into this field,” I said to myself as I took a break on the smoking deck away from the cold temperatures of the hospital. I let the sun warm my face, rubbing my shoulders to get the chill out as Dean walked out to join me, not giving me a chance to greet him.

“What the hell were you thinking leaving me alone like that?”

“Good morning to you, too,” I said cheerfully.

“Way to go, Martin?”

“Okay, maybe the note was a bit tacky,” I said. “At least I made you coffee.”

“It’s not funny,” he said standing in front of me, clear hurt running through his beautiful features, the memory of his lips on every surface of my body coming back in waves.

“Stop acting like a scorned whore,” I scolded. “I had to get to work,” I said, hopping onto the railing to sit as he paced in front of me. “And I told you I wanted to take things slow,” I reminded him.

“Stop acting like a catty female. This isn’t cool. What happened last night was amazing, we reconnected.”

“Look, spare me the lecture. I was happy about it until you came barreling out here with your feelings,” I said smugly. His head snapped up in anger and he didn’t hesitate before gripping my throat, pressing his lips to mine. I moaned into him and captured his tongue as he took my mouth completely, leaving me panting and breathless.

“Deny it all you want, Dallas.” He backed away, glancing behind me before pushing me over the railing. I screamed out in a panic until I landed in the hedge directly behind me.

He leaned over as I thrashed all my limbs, his brows lifted in challenge. “Obviously, I need to do a better job of screwing some sense into you.” He walked out of my line of sight, and I heard him exclaim, “Rose!”

“Dean,” she piped happily as I struggled to hoist myself back up, my legs still hooked over the railing.

“Damn it, you idiots, help me up!” I screamed. I heard Dean chuckle as they continued to make small talk while I struggled like hell to lift myself up. What seemed like an eternity later, Rose popped her head over and laughed hysterically, trying to push her words out. “You rang?”

“Help me up or so help me God, I’ll wear a fluffy, fuchsia Cinderella dress and start the chicken dance at your wedding.”

“I’ll see you later, Dallas,” Dean shouted as if I were far away. “I’ll see you soon, Rose.”

I started to scream. “You bas—”

“He’s gone,” she said as she pulled me to my feet.

“I hate that man, I swear,” I said, my blood draining from my head back into my limbs.

“I can tell,” she cooed. “Looks like you two are back to the norm.”

“Seriously, what grown man pushes a woman into some bushes?” I huffed, wiping myself off.

“One that has to put up with your crazy ass,” she answered quickly. “Kudos to Dean.”

“It’s not funny. How did you know I was here?”

“Beatrice,” she said simply, as if I should know better.

“Of course,” I said, scanning my sister. “You doing okay?” She looked exhausted. It was apparent by the small circles under her eyes that she hadn’t been sleeping.

“It’s just a lot with the wedding. I’m so thankful for all you and Mom have done, but it’s just a lot.”

“Whatever you need,” I offered as she walked with me back into the hospital.

“So are you going to come clean?” she asked as I froze at the door. I looked at my sister as she slowly crossed her arms in front of her and pursed her lips.

“Rose, I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t think of a good time to tell you.” Clearly, my sister knew about my plans in oncology. I hated the fact that she’d found out the way she did.

“I’m happy for you! I always knew Dean would be the one.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief. “It’s so easy to see you two are crazy for each other, why would I mind?”

“Oh, Dean, yeah.” I checked my phone to keep from meeting her watchful eye.

Rose took a step forward, scrutinizing me. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“We need to talk and soon, but today is not the day.” Opening the door, I ushered her through.

“Fine,” she said, looking at her phone for the time. “I have fifteen minutes until lab. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I’ll be buried in my books for the next few weeks so text me.”

I nodded and gave her a half-hug.

“Dallas, I know how badly the break up hurt you. I never told you this because you’ve always been so tight lipped, but I want you to know I’m here for you...you know, if you want to talk.”

I pushed out a breath in frustration. “I just broke up with Josh, and I’m trying to do better here. I hardly have time for anything else.”

She simply nodded and started walking. “Bye,” I said, drawing out the word in exaggeration. Though Rose and I had always been close, I’d never really told her the truth about the years I was away at college. I’d kept most of my time with Dean and after to myself, never revealing too much.

After work, I decided to get in some much-needed exercise. I saw Dean’s Jag in the garage and looked at my cell for a message, cursing my weakness at wanting to hear from him already. I was rewarded.

DEAN: Tonight?

I waited until I was in my car to answer. My insatiable craving for him was awakened with his touch. As long as I didn’t let my heart lead, I was safe. I knew it would not take much to be in over my head. I was walking a very tight rope with little to no net already.

DALLAS: Maybe.

I decided being indecisive was better. I told him I’d wanted to take things slow. Becoming dependent on him was not an option. I wanted control over my emotions. I couldn’t afford to let them run rampant. I would keep the promise to myself to do better with my health, and make my career my priority. If Dean was sincere about having a place in my life, he would have to make do with my best-laid plans.

I took the treadmill at a leisurely pace, cursing my stupidity. My thighs were burning in seconds. I noticed the gym filling up and ignored my surroundings as much as possible. Running outside in Texas during early fall could be fatal on the days the bogus weather decided to bring summer temperatures. I hated jogging in place. It was probably the liberal part of me talking. My mother had imbedded the thought that joining the masses in a room full of health nuts was a type of conformity. Or maybe it was the fact that I hated working out. Either way, I groaned as I picked up the pace and started the long trek into my first mile.

I felt his eyes on me first. I turned in his direction to see he was openly staring at me. I felt my chest tighten as I stared back. Josh was on the treadmill diagonal to mine. We had joined the gym together and had never run into each other once in the entire time we had the membership. I cursed the fate that had brought us back into the same room. The truth was, I’d missed him. The friend he was to me. He knew my habits, my moods, and he knew how to make the bitchy me smile. He’d been my best friend. I stopped my machine and walked off, but he stopped me before I reached the locker room.

“How are you?”

“I thought we weren’t going to do this.” My voice was shaking. I felt horrible guilt knowing I had just bedded Dean last night. The way he was staring at me now, it was if he knew.

“I know what I said,” he said tightly. “I just had to ask you.”

“I’m fine. I’m working a lot.”

I let my eyes wander over his tight fitting t-shirt and loose shorts. His hair was pulled back in a low, short ponytail. I was filled with the recollection of our time together and felt a painful tug in my chest.

“Me too. I got offered the position of sous,” he said, smiling. “Today, in fact. Do you want to go help me celebrate with a drink?”

“Josh, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you.” Without thinking, I leaned into him and gripped him tightly to me.

“She has plans.”

I jumped at Dean’s voice and looked over to see him eyeing us with nothing but menace. The change in the air was instantaneous and permeated with animosity. He looked ready to kill in his gym clothes, a chrome water bottle in hand that he held with white knuckled ferocity. It was no big mystery why he was here. The hospital was only a block away, but I was starting to think coincidence no longer had a welcome place in my life.

“Of course she has plans,” Josh said sarcastically as he looked at me with disgust. “I figured as much.”

“Josh, listen—”

“Fucking forget it. You can have the gym,” he said bitterly.

“Thanks,” Dean said as he glared at Josh’s retreating head. Josh took a step back, meeting his glare. “You’re nothing but curiosity for her. She’ll get bored.”

“You don’t know shit,” Dean said, snapping back, his teeth bared and his skin tinting as his anger built.

“I know I’d never heard a word about you in the time I spent with her. Not a word,” Josh shot back confidently.”

“Stop it,” I said forcefully, taking a step between them before turning to Dean. “Stop it.” He didn’t look at me, keeping his eyes glued on Josh. I grabbed Josh by the arm, pulling on it hard as he remained locked in a standoff with Dean. “Come on, Josh, please,” I pleaded as he took another step toward Dean. “I’ll be there when you fuck up. I love her that much.” Josh turned to me and looked down at my hand on his arm. I pulled at it again as he followed me out of the gym.

I saw his truck and walked over to it as he reluctantly followed.

“I would ask you why but, I’m afraid to,” he said, looking down at his tires.

“I hate myself so much right now,” I said quickly. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“Do you love him?” he asked earnestly, searching my face.

“I used to.” He nodded and jumped into his truck. “I have to leave right now. I’ll hurt him if I don’t.” I backed away from his truck as he took another look at me. “I meant what I said, and I might hate myself for it later, but Dallas, if he fucks up, I’ll be there.”

“I don’t deserve that. Don’t do that.”

“I guess I can’t help it.” He started the truck then pulled away, leaving my heart gushing with regret. I looked back at the gym and couldn’t face going back in. I was more than furious. As if Dean sensed my hesitation, he stepped outside, walking toward me.

“Caveman!” I shouted as he approached me. “What the hell is wrong with you? It isn’t enough that I’m with you right now, you had to rub it in his face? Make him feel like that?” Dean didn’t slow his pace and crashed into me, lifting me with both hands under my ass, my legs instinctively wrapping around him. My surprised scream was muffled by his mouth as he took it with possessive fierceness. I fought him for only seconds before succumbing to the kiss. He pulled me tighter to him, walking toward his Jag. I heard it chirp before he sat me down in the passenger seat. I fumed as he got in and quickly started driving.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I said, staring at him while he drove. “Talk to me damn it!” He continued driving as I questioned him, but didn’t say a word. We pulled into a private drive, which I assumed was his, and he pressed the garage door opener. Glaring at him, he refused to look at me. I got out and followed him inside. I was just about to start laying into him again when he turned on me, his dark eyes filled with hunger. My words caught in my throat as he gripped my neck, turning me to face the door we had just walked through. I shuddered when his breath hit my ear, my back to his chest, his erection brushing along the top of my ass.

“I need you to stop fighting me,” he scolded on a heat-filled whisper, his tongue darting in and out of the shell of my ear. I was panting as he held me tightly to him by the throat, his other hand slipping into my shorts and underneath my panties. “I need you to stop making this so damn hard on us both, because all I want ...” he paused, slipping his fingers inside me as I sank against him, “is you.” He pulled his fingers from inside me, sliding them up to massage me in slow circles. I gripped him behind me as I started to feel the pull.

“Dean,” I pleaded, my heart pounding against my chest. As aggressive of a lover as he used to be, it was nothing like the man behind me now circling my soaked sex with skilled fingers. I didn’t have time to worry about the fact that I was still sticky from my workout, or what had happened after, because seconds later I was spread out on his counter as he licked at my sex wildly. I gasped his name twice before he let up and pulled me to sit in front of him. He pulled his shorts down and I gripped him in my hand, the fire in my eyes matching his. He pulled me from the counter, gripping my ass as he slid me onto his length. I moaned out, the delicious soreness from last night making an appearance, before I began to move on top of him as he ground his hips into me. “So fucking good,” he said as I gripped the counter behind me, grinding into him. “I know you feel it, feel us” He grunted out as his icy eyes seared through me along with his thrusts.

He turned us around and laid me down on his rug as he burned his way through me, leaving nothing left. I milked his length with my sex as I came again, calling out to him repeatedly. He pulled away, slowing his pace and rolling his hips expertly so I felt every stone inch of him.

“I’ve thought about nothing but this all day. The way you look when I’m buried inside you, the way you breathe my name, the way you tremble around me when you come. I won’t let anything or anyone else get in the way of us, of this.” He stilled as he spilled himself inside of me. I stroked his back, catching my breath. He pulled away, his beautiful black locks falling across his forehead.

“I just need us to be...without all the bullshit for a while. I don’t want anything taking away from this.” He searched my face for my understanding. I nodded as he took my lips then quickly pulled back. “Try with me, Dallas. Please just give me a chance.” His heart was beating so fast, I could feel his anxiety rolling off of him. Josh had intimidated him, though he would never admit it. Dean was proud in that way. I’d never seen him act so violently possessive toward me. I was as equally turned on as I was put off by it.

“You can’t act like that,” I warned.

“I know,” he said, his renewed erection brushing against my leg. He trailed my face and neck with feverish kisses, leading back to my mouth, taking his time to gently coax it open. I sighed into him as he took my breath completely. When he pulled away, I saw his features soften. “I want all of you, Dallas. Every single piece. Even the ones I broke.” He pulled me to his chest, cradling my legs as he lifted me off of his carpet. He carried me upstairs and drew us a bath. I stood watching him as he made the bath comfortable, stepping in and motioning for me to join him. I sat cradled in his arms for several minutes.

“Dally, talk to me.” Brushing the hair away from my neck, he planted a soft kiss on my shoulder.

“Remember when you told me you were going to be a doctor?”

“Yes,” he said, cupping water over my back.

“Do you remember what you said?”

“No, not really. I just remember we were in your parents’ back yard.”

“You said you wanted to be useful to people in a way where you could sleep at night.”

“I said that? Wow, pretty deep for eighteen.”

“My mother pointed that out at dinner that night. She told my father I was safe with you.”

Dean held me tighter to him. “That’s flattering.”

“She’d overheard our conversation when I told you I planned on the same profession. I’d wanted to be a doctor since I was a little girl. Did I ever tell you the story why?”

“I think I just assumed it was your crush on me.” I could feel his grin behind me.

“No.” I turned on him, kneeling in his large sunken tub between his legs. His hair was damp and curled slightly, framing his face. I had to take a few deep breaths in order to get my story out. The sight of him naked and wet in front of me was debilitating. He remained silent, urging me to go on.

“When Rose was six, we were climbing an old fence in the neighborhood. We knew better but we were told these particular neighbors had a rabid dog that was about to be put down. I was curious and wanted to see what it looked like. Anyway, once we made it up to peer over we saw the yard was empty. Rose’s board came loose and she fell at an awkward angle onto some loose boards that had already given out behind us, snapping her arm and not only that, she impaled her forearm on an old rusty nail.

“She didn’t cry. She didn’t make a damn sound. She just looked at her arm as if it was alien to her. I rushed her home and my parents flipped. Rose stayed calm the whole time. I sat with her while the doctor set and stitched her arm. She only winced once. The rest of the time she simply looked at the doctor in awe, as if she knew she would be fine. I think she knew then she wanted to be a doctor. I saw the way Rose looked at her as she was stitched up and I suddenly wanted to be her. I wanted to be Rose’s hero. I guess a part of it was jealousy and a part was curiosity, but she fixed my sister so easily. I wanted that ability to do the same thing. Just to be able to make things right when it seemed impossible.

“That day on the way home, my sister and I both proclaimed to our parents we would one day be doctors. My parents encouraged us and took us to every single human science fair in the state of Texas, fueling our growing interest at every turn. I never had another thought about what I would be after that day. It always seemed predetermined, for both of us. It was a common bond we shared since we were young. It kept us close in years when we should have been at odds. We would spend night after night talking about the different ways we would help people. Of course, we did not have a clue what the hell we were talking about. We were just two little girls rambling on about a future we were so certain of.” I looked up at Dean, who was listening intently. “Saying and doing this is the thing I’m most proud of. And I almost didn’t make it.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean asked, his eyes roving my face for answers.

“I’ll promise to try with you, if you promise this won’t get in the way of my career. I’ve finally found my home and I don’t want to screw it up.”

“Work first, is that what you are telling me?” He was amused and I straightened my shoulders. It was hard to project just how serious I was sitting naked in front of him, but he seemed to catch on quickly.

“Dean, I’ve worked really hard to be where I am.”

“And you think I want to take that away?”

“I think you don’t know how hard it was for me.”

“And Josh did?” I heard the bite in his voice.

“No, we fought a lot about my career and the time I spent working and away from him. I could never talk about it with him because of his resentment and that’s one of the reasons we are no longer together. I love this thing...this thing I do, more than anything.”

“Dallas,” he said carefully, pulling me to him by my underarms and onto his lap. “You’re not the only doctor in the tub.”

“I realize that. I just want to put that out there.”

“Okay, Dr. Whitaker, I won’t whine about the long hours you spend at work.”

“Thank you,” I said quickly, pulling my legs from around him and pulling the plug to drain and let more hot water in. Once the tub was reheated, I took my place back against him as we settled back in.

“Dally,” he asked quietly, “what are you not telling me?”

“I’ve told you everything important.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t know that story through all the years I’ve known you.” He moved my hair to the side and placed a gentle kiss on my neck.

“You missed a lot of years.”

He pulled me tighter to him. “And I’ll start making it up to you right now.”

“I don’t want to survive anything. I want him. I want to be with him, always.”- Laura (Room 212)

“Dally, wake up!”

I heard my name in the distance and managed to get out of the way of the first cloud. It had come dangerously close to me. I ran faster, harder, trying to avoid the second angry vortex and fell to my knees as the wind knocked me over.

“Dallas!” I opened my eyes and looked up to see concern etched on Dean’s face as he hovered over me. I muffled a sob in his chest as he held me close to him. He rolled over, pulling me to him as I cried harder than I had in years. It was the first time the tornadoes had actually gotten to me. I couldn’t control my shaking as he held me tightly, murmuring words of comfort as I let go. When the last of my tears were drying, he tilted my head up, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Just a dream,” I answered him before he had a chance to ask.

“A nightmare, maybe. Do you have those often?” He pushed my hair away from my face and then cupped my chin.

“For a while now. It’s not every night.”

“When is the last time you had one?”

“I don’t remember,” I lied, holding him tighter to me. His frown told me he didn’t believe me, but he left it alone. I pulled myself to straddle him and saw his eyes heat.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I pushed out shakily as he looked up at me, eyes trailing down from my face to my bare breasts and back up again.

“I wish I could keep them away,” he said softly.

I felt him grow hard beneath me and lifted myself, the tip of him at my entrance.

“I need you to chase them away, Dean.” I watched his eyes light fire as I slid down on top of him. My body adjusted to his size as he let out a low, guttural moan. He watched me as I lifted up slowly and fell back down with all my weight, making us both cry out. He cupped my breasts as his eyes remained glued to mine, his mouth parted, his eyes hooded as he bit his lip. I found it sexy as hell and began to move, taking all of him deep inside of me. He brushed his thumb over his tongue and circled my sex and I came quickly after. Still connected to me, he moved me beneath him, lacing our fingers as he thrust slowly inside me, stroking me deep, but never breaking our locked eyes.

He came minutes later with my name on his lips like a prayer, his heart pounding in his chest. He never lost his grip on me as he adjusted our bodies so he was spooning me and our legs became entangled.

“Way to go, Martin.”

We both chuckled before drifting back into a deep sleep.

“I’ve got to say, Ms. Dallas, you are looking better every day. Wouldn’t have anything to do with an extremely tall, dark and handsome doctor, would it?” Beatrice looked at me expectantly as I buried my face in my hands and with it my deep smile.

“Oh, honey, please give me something, I’ve been striking out at every turn. Humor a sick old lady.”

“Never been the type to kiss and tell,” I muffled into my hands, peeking over my fingers.

“Fine, at least tell me if it’s him,” she said on a whisper as a small group of nurses walked by.

“Of course it is,” I confirmed, grabbing my tablet and opening my appointment schedule.

“Uh huh.” She picked up the phone answering and held her finger up to me to keep me where I was. “I will let him know.” She put the phone back down.

“I’m happy for you, honey. Just remember he has a penis.”

“And?”

“Oh honey, you really need me to spell this out for you?”

I nodded before I said the words, dying for this explanation. “I think I do.”

“If he has a penis—”

I felt my phone vibrate and looked down at the text.

DEAN: I am really sick of you using me for my body. I think you should at least treat me to dinner once in a while.

I laughed out and Beatrice grumbled under her breath about being too far gone to listen to good advice. It had been two weeks since he’d brought me back to his house and I’d barely left. I had finally agreed to bring over a few changes of clothes and had only slept in my own bed once...and alone. The rest of the time, we made it work between our mad schedules. I was working endless hours in oncology, and when I wasn’t working with cases of my own I was studying old cases similar to the ones I was diagnosing. I was making progress and Dean had kept his promise to me by taking only the time I had to spare. He listened to my recap each day with interest, telling me about his own. I could only hope it remained another one of the reasons for the extra spring in my step. The deep gash in my chest seemed to be healing as the days passed. I knew eventually I would have questions I wanted answers to, but for now, I was happy with simply filling in the blanks.

The other half of my heart had returned it seemed, blazing a trail into the center of my universe, not suffocating any part of me, as I feared. Dean only made my world brighter and better with each step we took together, and toward each other.

Today I had lunch to look forward to. Cammie, my old college roommate—who also roomed with me my first two years of medical school—was coming to see me for the first time since she moved to Oklahoma. She had signed on with her father’s practice in Oklahoma City and we hadn’t been able to see each other much since our trip after graduation. I greeted her with a hug in the cafeteria. We had agreed to have lunch in the hospital. I wanted to talk to her before I reintroduced her to Dean. She sat with her salad, eyeing the people around us. We made small talk and she told me about her life in Oklahoma and how she was seriously thinking of joining me at Dallas Memorial. We discussed the possibility of her joining my practice in the next few years.

“So...any hotties here?”

“A few,” I answered vaguely.

“Oh shit, someone new? Since Josh?”

“Kind of,” I said on a smile. “I want you to be happy for me, okay? So promise me you will hear me out.”

“He comes with a warning? This can’t be good.” Cammie had always been a bit leery of the opposite sex. She had no problem entertaining them, but had absolutely zero tolerance for bullshit, which made her list of exes a long list. I had always admired her for it, and at the same time, it made me dread this conversation all the more. I opened my mouth to speak when I was cut off.

“Hello, ladies. Wow, is that you Cammie?” I stiffened upon hearing Dean’s voice. Cammie’s smile faded instantly as she looked up and she saw Dean giving her a shit-eating grin. I braced myself.

“What in the fuck is he doing here?” She gave me an expectant look and I shook my head. Cammie brushed her box-colored auburn hair out of her eyes and glared at Dean.

“Dean, give us a minute?” I looked up to see a stunned look on his face. He wasn’t use to this kind of reception. I hadn’t expected them to run into each other at all. Dean had told me he was on his way to an appointment when we spoke just before I met up with her.

“Is this who you are seeing?” She leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms, her face reddening with anger. I started to panic as words failed me. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was going to talk to her at lunch to test the waters, and then possibly invite her for drinks later. I could see now it was a grave error in judgment. Waves of anger rolled off of her as she looked between Dean and I for a long minute. I saw her resolve take shape as she turned her attention to me.

“Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you not remember! Or should I remind you?”

I looked up at Dean, who was shifting his attention to me with a question in his eyes.

“Dean, I’ll see you later, okay? Just let me talk to Cammie.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not following what is going on here,” he said apologetically to Cammie, taking a seat next to us.

“Of course you aren’t,” she said dryly. “Please, Dallas, please tell me you aren’t really doing this.”

“Cammie,” I begged softly and looked back to Dean who refused to leave. “Dean, please go.”

“Do you want to tell him or should I?” I whipped my attention to Cammie and saw the inevitable confrontation on her face. She had no intention of backing down.

“Cammie, let it go,” I warned, my voice deadly. I felt the fire spread in my chest as my limbs trembled from her threat.

“No fucking way,” she seethed. “No way, Dallas. You can’t keep pretendin—”

“Let it go!” I yelled, grabbing the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. “Please,” I begged softly.

“No,” she said quietly, glaring at Dean. “He needs to know.” I watched as she turned to Dean with as much hate rolling off her as I’d ever seen from her 5’3” frame. “She miscarried your baby four months after you left for Columbia.”

Dean shot back in his seat, disbelief covering his features.

Cammie continued, not at all fazed by my threatening posture or Dean’s reaction. “The morning after her college graduation, I found her curled up on your beloved fraternity steps. She was damn near hypothermic from freezing to death, waiting for you! She still believed you would come! Oh and then there’s the Adderall freak out. Did you tell him about that?”

“Jesus Christ, Dallas!” Dean boomed. I stood quickly in an attempt to flee the scene unfolding.

“How could you do this to me?” I said hoarsely, tears streaming down my face as I glared at my friend. She had every right to hate him. Cammie exclusively had every right to not want him around me. She was all I had when he left, the only one I had let in. She had dealt with the complete mess I became when Dean left. She suffered with me the loss of the baby, the death of me when I’d returned from New York, and everything else leading up to the last straw three years later, the night I graduated college.

She kept her voice down, though the damage was done. “You wouldn’t let me call your parents or your sister. You wouldn’t even let me call him and this is the asshole responsible!”

“For what I did to myself?” I said, trying to reason with her. Dean was staring at me, but I avoided it. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I felt the anger take over in that moment. I welcomed it.

“Thanks for the visit, Cammie. Don’t be a stranger.” I didn’t bother looking at Dean as he stood up next to me and I walked quickly away from the table.

“Don’t you dare,” Dean hissed behind me. “Dallas!”

“She won’t talk to you about it,” Cammie piped sarcastically behind me, “She won’t talk to anyone. If I hadn’t been there, I would have never known. Don’t think for one minute you weren’t responsible. I watched her go from a happy, confident, and beautiful twenty-year-old to a complete fucking—”

I couldn’t hear anymore. I knew what I had done. I knew what lengths I had taken the loss of both Dean and our baby to extremes. I wasn’t exaggerating when I told my mother I’d lost it. I’d lost our baby, followed quickly by losing Dean, and then I’d lost my mind.

And before he waltzed into my life, I had just gotten it back. My fear was not unfounded. Dean had completely consumed me again, and I’d let him. I made it as far as the small hallway leading out into the courtyard when he caught up with me.

“Stop!” It wasn’t a request. It was an order. I felt the hallway narrow and put my hand up to steady myself. I never wanted him to know. Never. I’d kept it from everyone, even Rose. I turned to face him. He was beyond angry.

“What the hell were you think—”

“No, you fucking stop,” I warned. “Don’t, if we have a hope of a future together you will let this go and never ask me about it again.”

“Don’t you dare threaten me with that!”

“It’s the only way. If you push this, Dean, we are over,” I warned.

“What the hell do you mean?”

“I told you. It’s simple. You missed a lot of years.”

“Fine, you aren’t the girl I left. I’ll take my chances. Dallas, how could you have not told me you were pregnant?” his voice cracked. “Or that you lost—”

“That’s right,” I snapped. “I lost. You didn’t know any fucking differently.”

His eyes widened at my vicious snap.

“If I had known—”

“You’d what?” I walked toward him, catching him off guard. “You would have come back to me then? Say the words. Tell me a baby would have changed your mind so I can hate you more than I do!”

“Hate me...Dallas, I didn’t know.”

“Tell me, Dean, when would have been a good time to tell you? You just stopped calling. I found out a week after you decided I wasn’t important to you anymore. Two weeks after that, it was too late.”

“In New York, you never said a word.”

“Why would I? You were done. Would that have been a better time?” I took another step toward him, all my anger and hurt coming back in waves.

Dean’s eyes watered as he studied me.

“I would have never seen you again after Christmas break. If I hadn’t flown to New York, it would have been over the night you boarded that plane and left me here. When you left Texas, you were done with me. Everything you promised me was a lie.” I took another step forward, glaring at him. “Everything Cammie said is the truth and it was so much worse than what you could imagine, Dean. You wouldn’t even have recognized me if you would have come back. So I guess it was for the best. Don’t worry. I never blamed you for the baby.”

His face crumbled as he palmed his forehead, his tears falling rapidly.

“Save it. It turns out that water can’t wash away everything, Dean.”

“Dallas,” he croaked, his voice bleeding as I walked out the door. “I came back for you.”

The whirring sound was the hardest for me to deal with, always letting me know they were coming. I braced myself for their arrival, but it was always the threat of them that hurt the most. I couldn’t help but to ask for quick mercy. I was so tired, so weak. For the first time in this dream, I wanted them to catch up with me. The golden sky was mocking me. I felt anything but warmth as I stared at the sun surrounded by tornadoes. I clutched my chest, willing myself to be brave as I started to walk toward them. It was time…

POUND...POUND...POUND!

I shot out of bed, my chest heaving, and looked at my clock. 9:00 P.M.

I was covered in sweat, but was already stumbling toward the door. The pounding began again as I fumbled between sleep and reality, still reeling from my dream. I opened my door only to close it when I saw Dean’s angry face.

“If you wanted to avoid me, you should have gone somewhere else,” he snapped, catching the door and pushing it open, forcing his way past me.

“Sorry, my mistake. I didn’t realize it was no longer safe to go home,” I snapped back, the sarcasm dripping off of every word. I raced to the kitchen, my throat dry and my head pounding. I downed a bottle of water as he glared at me from the other side of my bar. I gave him a weary look as I took a bottle of Patron out and poured two shots, setting one in front of him while downing my own. The burn was welcome as I prayed for a quick buzz. The dream had left me raw and emotional, and I wanted nothing more than to feel numb again.

Dean capped the Patron. I shrugged and grabbed his shot, downing it.

“I want answers,” he said, moving the bottle out of my reach.

“You haven’t asked any questions.” I grabbed a paper towel and dampened it, wiping off my face.

Dean’s face softened as he took in my appearance. I had to look like hell. I was shaking from the nightmare and covered in sweat.

“Another dream?”

“Yeah, look, I need a shower. I have work tomorrow. Can we do this later?”

“No,” he said adamantly.

I glared at him and took in his disheveled appearance and burst out laughing. His clothes were mismatched and his hair was tucked under a ball cap.

“Well, there’s a first. Mr. Perfect looks like a bum. Tell me, Dean, is this the first time you have ever left your house without your argyle socks?”

His eyes lit fire as he took a step toward me. “I’m fucking warning you now, Dallas, stop.”

“Or what, you’ll go find my iron?” I knew I was being impossible. I was good at it. Jokes were how I had dealt with everything that hurt too much or terrified me.

He quickly grabbed the tequila bottle, apparently changing his mind about it. He took two shots from the glasses I set out before his eyes found mine, holding me where I stood.

“We were doing so good.” I laughed with no humor. He slammed his glass on the counter, making me jump.

“Cut the shit. Tell me why you didn’t say anything.” I had hoped to resume our relationship without dredging up the most painful part of my life, but I knew now that hope was ridiculous. The memory of those days of devastation after losing our baby were the most solid foundation of the wall I held up against Dean. Some part of me, though it was irrational, had always blamed him.

“I didn’t know for the first two months. I’ve skipped periods once or twice a year since I started. It was perfectly normal. Then I started getting sick, but I was already sick most of the time. I was upset, a lot. I missed you. The whole fucking campus was a graveyard filled with memories of the two of us. Did you think it would be easy for me? You had all new surroundings. I had to resume life without you there. Everywhere I looked I saw the two of us. It was just like high school all over again, except this time it wasn’t just a crush.”

“We spoke almost every day,” he reminded me, his hands flat on the counter.

“I know. I hid it well,” I said, looking down at the floor.

“Look at me,” he snapped and I obliged. “Why did you hide it?”

“Well, let’s see, you had just started medical school.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“You say that now, Dean, now, and after the fact, but that was your dream. I didn’t want to take it away from you. And telling you I was pregnant would have done that. I was mortified. I didn’t want to be the one to take it away.”

“I would’ve been here,” he insisted. I watched him go through the emotions and shook my head.

“You have no idea what your true reaction would have been. You can’t look at me today and say you wouldn’t have resented me then, or the baby.”

“Baby…” he trailed off, absently rubbing his finger up and down the shot glass. “Were you going to keep it?”

“Yes,” I answered without hesitation. “I was happy about it. I just wasn’t sure you would be.” I braved a look at him and saw unshed tears in his eyes.

“Four months?” His question was a whisper.

“Almost,” I answered. “When I lost it, I just flipped. I couldn’t get in touch with you. You refused to answer my calls, so I went to see you in New York. I was going to tell you, but when you told me we were over, I decided not to.”

He looked at me as if I’d slapped him. “If I would have known...Damn you, Dallas, I can’t fucking believe this!”

“I told you! I told you in New York! I told you I was losing my mind and that I couldn’t handle being apart. I needed you! Why wasn’t I enough?”

“You were,” he said quickly.

“Bullshit, that’s not what you just said. The baby would have brought you home, not your love for me. I can’t live with that! I can’t! I hate you for saying it, feeling it, thinking it. Because I loved you so much, Dean. I lived for you. I breathed you. I couldn’t stop. When I lost the baby and then you, I couldn’t hang on! I didn’t. I fucked up, really bad and often.” I took an angry step forward and leaned over the counter. “Why wasn’t I enough? You fell in love with some woman, and I was here drowning, mourning the loss of our baby, thinking of nothing but you and you didn’t fucking care! You were gone and I did what I always do. I began a pattern after you left me a second time. I fucked up.” I poured two more shots of tequila and threw them back then poured out the contents of the bottle. I didn’t want the temptation or the horrible hangover, and I was already comfortably numb.

He took a step toward me.

“No, no!” I held my hand up stopping him and threw the bottle in the sink. “The thing is, and it might have taken me a long time to admit it, you didn’t do anything wrong. You went to college, Dean, and you broke up with the girlfriend holding you down back home. I predicted it, remember? I told you not to make promises you know we couldn’t keep. You didn’t do anything wrong. Our relationship clearly just meant more to me.” I laughed again dryly. “A lot more.”

I looked him right in the eye and told him what I had been holding inside for seven years.

“I believed you would come for me, even after New York. I believed you would keep your promise and you never came. Instead, you got engaged to someone else while I waited in vain.”

“I didn’t meet her until the end of the year,” he offered weakly.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It all matters!” he spit out. “You think you are the only one who suffered? I might not have been here but you weren’t there either. You didn’t see the hell I went through to try and forget you. You think I just started fucking around and forgot all about the woman I’d been in love with for years, and just moved on? You weren’t the only one in love. You weren’t the only one ripped apart. And our relationship meant everything to me. I proposed to you! I wanted to be your husband, and you never really took me seriously! You always held my past against me and never really gave me a fucking chance to be sincere, to prove my love when I left. You were too busy dismissing me because I slept with a few women while we weren’t together.”

“A few,” I scoffed.

“Yes, Dallas, I was never the playboy I was made out to be. I had my share and so did every other fucking teenage guy on the planet. You know goddamn well I was faithful to you. I loved you so much I was willing to give up Columbia, but goddamnit, you pushed me away. If I would have known my baby was inside you, I would have—” He glared at me before he began to visibly shake. “That was my baby! Mine! I deserved to know. I deserved to know!” He slammed his fist on the counter as his tears fell one by one. He did nothing to hide them. “That baby was a part of you and me. So yes, Dallas, I would have come running.” He scrubbed his face as his shoulders slumped forward.

“I never got over us, Dallas. I may have been silent, just as silent as you have been but I never got over that day in New York. I didn’t want you to give up your dreams for me any more than you allowed me to stop chasing mine, but this ...” On his face, all I saw was pure devastation. “You had no right to keep any of it from me,” he bit out bitterly. “I watch couples go through hell to have a child every day. I see their pain when they lose the battle. You went through that alone...” He shook his head, as if he was still having a hard time believing the truth.

“I got depressed. It was severe. I got lost...and then I got over it. I moved on, Dean. I became a doctor and now that’s all I want to do. This thing between us almost cost me my career.”

“And what about us now?”

Wiping my matching tears off my face, I straightened my shoulders. “We tried.”

“No. Fuck no, Dallas,” he protested as he came toward me.

“I can’t be with you, not if you look at me like that. It was different when you didn’t know about...what happened.”

“And you think that our relationship would have worked with you keeping this from me?” he asked, incredulous.

“I don’t want guilt or pity. I don’t want to know how sorry you are. And I want you to stop fighting a lost cause.” The hole in my chest expanded and I squared my shoulders, ready to finally face what I’d done. “I’m sorry I made it so hard on you when you came back. I’m sorry I was so awful to you and hard to get along with. You thought what we had was beautiful. I did, too, except while you were gone, I made it ugly.” My voice cracked as I bit back the rest of my emotion. “You need to go, Dean. You need to stop fighting for what we had and realize the way you left it isn’t the way it remained. I’m not the woman you left.”

His eyes were red rimmed as his tears fell silently. He sat for several minutes, just looking at me. I kept his gaze as long as I could until I coward away, walking to my bedroom and shutting the door. Minutes later, I heard the front door shut and collapsed in a heap on my bed.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of coffee. I opened my door in haste to find Dean sitting at the kitchen table, impeccably dressed, eating a bagel, and reading the paper.

“What the hell are you doing?” I demanded.

“Coffee is...Fuck” His words were harshly exhaled due to my clothing, or lack thereof. I realized I was standing in my camisole and underwear. Smoldering eyes prevented me from saying anything else as he appraised me from head to toe. I had forgotten to lock my door last night, and I damn sure wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

“Dean—”

“I’m not giving up, Dallas.” He leaned forward in an attempt to press his lips against mine. I pulled away before he could make contact.

“I don’t trust you.” There, take that.

“I want you back. I’ll win you back. You want to be dated, I’ll do it. You want to take things slow, I’ll be patient. I thought about it last night and I know I went about this all wrong. You were right. I expected too much.”

“It’s still too much. Too much water under the bridge,” I argued, feeling less and less confident as he towered over me. “The truth is, I’m afraid of me when I’m with you. When I love you, I’m toxic. I don’t want to go down that road again.”

“I’ll wait,” he promised as he gently brushed my hair away from my face. “I’ll wait for you. I think I owe you that much.”

“For what?”

“Until you realize we are still beautiful,” he whispered, drawing me in. I breathed in his clean scent and damn near went to my knees. “I can’t give you back the years I missed, but I can promise you, Dallas, we will have more.”

“Stop!” The soothing tone of his voice would be my undoing. “Don’t promise me anything. Don’t even speak to me about a future. This is over, this whole sick twisted fucking mess I made. I want it over, and I want you gone right now.”

“I’ll wait,” he said, not faltering in his determination. He straightened his tie then walked out the door. Pouring a cup of coffee, I sat and stared at my closed front door. Dean was naïve to think that time could fix us. He should have figured out already that time was what had ruined us.

“So there’s no hero for you?”

“I am my own hero.” - Room 212

Dallas

“Good morning.” Greeting Beatrice seemed to be a feat in itself. I just wanted to find a nice dark hole, crawl in it and live there.

But life doesn’t give a shit what mood you are in or if your world is caving in. Its demands are never-ending and you have no choice but to get through it, ready or not. I had already learned that the hard way.

“What happened?” Her tone was cautious, unlike the happy-go-lucky pain in the ass confrontational voice she usually used. Her concern put me on edge.

“Nothing,” I said defiantly, refusing to entertain that my newest break up should affect my life in any way. Concern clear in her features, she gave me an encouraging smile. My eyes narrowed.

That son of a bitch.

“So he calls you now to keep an eye on me? I suppose he told you everything?”

“Ms. Dallas—”

“Dr. Whitaker. You are not to ask me about anything else, do you hear me? This is a professional relationship. He crossed the line by telling you anything. Don’t ever address me personally again.”

I was instantly sorry. In my few years with Beatrice, I had never seen her so hurt. The fact that I was the cause was too much to bear. Walking away, I grabbed my tablet and got to work. I had no more time for personal matters. I was done with personal.

Dean texted throughout the day, but I ignored him. Apparently, he did not intend to be silent while he waited.

DEAN: Remember the drive-in with Brittney Sharp and Henry Rice? Fuck that was awful.

I couldn’t help but grin. It was one of the nights Dean had a date in high school and brought me along. Little did he know my date happened to have just broken up with his, and we spent the whole night listening to them go back and forth over whose fault it was. We tried to end the night early, but they insisted they could handle it, but were fighting again minutes later. Dean and I ended up hanging out while they fought it out.

I didn’t acknowledge Dean or his attempt to make me remember. Less than ten minutes later, I got another text.

DEAN: You were wearing a yellow skirt and light blue top. I wanted to kiss you so badly. You wore that damn strawberry lip gloss. I can still remember the way it smelled. I went to bed that night thinking about your lips. I got no sleep.

An hour later, I got another text.

DEAN: Remember when Ralph went missing? I took him. Paul paid me to do it to torture you.

I burst out laughing at his confession. Ralph was my pet fish. He mysteriously disappeared one night only to show up two days later. I asked my family for years who did it and no one ever fessed up.

I went throughout the day as Dean sent me text after text, talking to me about anything and everything.

My next text came at noon the next day.

DEAN: Please don’t ever pour hot wax on your vagina. Hire a professional. I will pay for it. Just a little vage man advice. I miss you...and your perfect vagina.

I spit out my diet coke as I read that one. I couldn’t even imagine what situation he was dealing with at the moment.

I made it home and managed to wait a few hours before checking my phone. As much as I wanted to engage Dean, I was humiliated he knew the truth. I couldn’t understand why he was still interested after he heard what a complete wreck I had been after our break up. Cammie had called me non-stop since yesterday and I refused her calls as well. No matter what she had to endure, she had betrayed years of friendship in mere minutes. I knew eventually I would forgive her, but I couldn’t see it happening anytime soon.

I didn’t need old drama unfolding in the hospital. This wasn’t high school, and I damn sure hadn’t been acting my age since the minute Dean made his appearance. The hospital was the one place I felt truly safe. The thing I could control the most. My career was my focus. It was the one thing that had truly been my saving grace. I poured over cases and treatments as I ignored the obvious tug in my chest and my vibrating phone. Hours after I had landed on my couch, my curiosity got the best of me. I had missed two texts.

6:00 P.M.

DEAN: I’m eating spaghetti. Do you still hate it?

5 minutes ago...

DEAN: Sweet Home Alabama is on channel 8.

My heart squeezed. He knew it was my favorite movie. I quickly scrambled to find my remote and turned it on. He knew I had always thought of him watching it. I had told him once his eyes were the exact color of one of the male leads. The ironic part was it was about two people who met when they were kids only to painfully break up and get back together years later. It was all about kismet and soul mates, a subject eerily familiar. I settled in to watch when my phone vibrated again.

DEAN: You’re watching it now, aren’t you? I’ll watch it with you.

Damn him. I regretted dumping my tequila and settled for a glass of wine. Two hours later, I got a text.

DEAN: Ironic, isn’t it? Goodnight, Dally.

7:00 A.M.

DEAN: I wish I could wake you up the way I did last week, buried inside you with my thumb in your mouth.

I groaned as my sex clenched. That had been the hottest morning sex I had ever had. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining him on top of me until the world shook with the strongest orgasm I’d had in years. I begged him to take me again right after, and he did. Twice.

As of today, my vagina was no longer speaking to me.

Work, Dallas.

I walked up to Beatrice cautiously and got a smile.

“Don’t bother, baby. I knew that wasn’t you talking.” She picked up the phone, ignoring my attempt to apologize. I waited for her to get off the line, but I could tell she was giving me the brush off. I felt terrible.

Just become a nun. You can be a doctor nun. A nun doctor. You will be married to the Lord, have renewed virginity, and your precious guilt. A catholic nun doctor...a new dream.

“Dr. Whitaker, a moment.” I looked to see Dr. Nichols addressing me. I grabbed my tablet and followed him quickly.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this at the beginning of your shift, but Mrs. Tanner passed last night.”

“What?” I took a step back. “Why wasn’t I paged?”

Ted Nichols was head of oncology. He was one of the best doctors in the state of Texas. I admired him from afar and was excited about working with him. Upon my arrival, he had taken an interest in my training that thrilled me to no end.

“I was here,” he said smugly.

I was thrilled about working with him, until that very moment.

“That was my patient. I wasn’t aware you had taken the case.” Confrontation was clear in my tone.

“It was late and there was nothing you could have done,” he remarked, finishing the conversation then headed for the door.

“Excuse me,” I said defiantly. “I was her doctor. She was my patient. I’m thankful for your consideration in regards to my R & R, but I insist on being contacted when the condition of one of my patients worsens and needs to be addressed.”

“Lighten up, Dallas. It’s going to happen a lot.”

“Not with me,” I said as I took a step forward.

“Mighty aggressive this morning, Whitaker, but you are going to need that R & R.” He left the room without another word as I fumed in the corner. I made my rounds to both day and night shift nurses, letting them know exactly how I felt about being informed. If my patients so much as sneezed and shit, I wanted to know.

I took a much-needed break around 2:00 P.M. and went downstairs to stare mindlessly at the large, triple-tiered fountain in the lobby. Water had a way of soothing me and I could feel a headache coming on. My pocket vibrated and I ignored it, taking a bite of my apple. When it vibrated a second time, I pulled it out to silence it and saw a text from Rose.

ROSE: I’m coming over tonight. This is bullshit. I miss my sister.

I quickly texted back.

DALLAS: I second that. I need you too.

ROSE: See you soon.

DALLAS: I’ll order a trough of food just for you.

ROSE: You do that, BIG D!

DALLAS: Kiss my ass, Rosie.

My sister ate like she was training for the Olympics and never got fat. If I ate one donut, I could physically hear myself get fatter with each bite. My phone vibrated again.

DEAN: Beatrice just felt me up. Where are you?

He was looking for me. When it came to patience, this man had none, but then that was one of the things I loved most about him. Every single piece of me wanted to go save him from Beatrice’s clutches, wanted to answer his texts. I just wanted to be near him.

Years ago, I would have jumped at any sign of his attention. Now I was purposefully avoiding it.

I spent months curled up in my dorm room, listening to any song that held me prisoner on repeat. No amount of prompting from Cammie or anyone else could shake me out of the funk I was in. I had bought a Columbia onesie when I found out I was pregnant and had planned to give it to him when I told him about the baby. The way I had planned it, the vast amount of scenarios that I had imagined would never have had me clutching that fucking onesie years later with no baby and no Dean.

I fell down.

Circling the drain had taken me so far away from the Dallas he had left. I almost lost my scholarship at Austin. Then my first year of medical school, I became dependent on Adderall. I became an uncontrollable menace and got even more problematic, though my grades were soaring. I had no issue with my daily activities, it was the not sleeping at all and the consistent inevitable crash that brought me to the emergency room a record amount of times my second year of medical school. When I finally kicked the super pill to the curb my second year and was forced to work my load stimulant free, I decided recreational sex was the best way to relieve the tension and never-ending heartache. However, true to my hedonistic nature, I did not limit my party to just one partner. I had laughed in the face of two of the guys I had been juggling when they confessed their love to me, quickly replacing them with two more.

I got sad, I got mad, and then I got disgusted, with myself.

So I got back up.

Jesus, poor Cammie.

I would have to make it a point to forgive her sooner than later.

The day I graduated Austin might have been the worst day of my life because of Dean’s broken promise and my inability to let go, but the day I graduated medical school was one of the best days.

I had been through hell, and though most of it was self-induced hell, I had done it. And my little sister looked at me that way I had always hoped she would.

For a brief moment in time, I was my little sister’s hero and Dean was no longer mine.

Maybe Dean didn’t know the exact details of how I mourned him, or the loss of our baby, but I knew them. I was ashamed of them, and judging by Cammie’s reaction to our relationship, I was in the right to think it was impossible to start it up again. Loving Dean made me a train wreck. Maybe I was a stronger woman now, and maybe I could actually handle the way I felt a little less drastically. Being out of control like that could completely change your outlook. And while every single piece of my heart belonged to Dean, even the broken ones he had asked for, my head still belonged to me. I had fought for that control for years and it was a well-earned victory.

I looked at my phone only to realize I had been staring at the fountain for an hour. I quickly made my way back to my shift.

And this is exactly why you don’t go there. Work, focus, career...You have a practice to build!

Dallas

Now

At seven o’clock that night, I answered the door for who I assumed was my sister and got the UPS man instead. I signed for a package, sure I had not ordered anything, but took the box out of his hand. He quickly brought in two more exactly the same size as I opened the first.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t order this,” I said, puzzled by the boxes’ contents.

“Looks like the return is a Dean Martin. Sign here.” I rolled my eyes as I pulled the first pillow out. The man came back from his truck carrying five more boxes.

“What in the hell?” I questioned as I signed for them. “How many more are there?” I said, peering behind him.

He ignored me as he brought the boxes in one by one and stacked them in my entryway. I thanked him and shut the door, staring at the intrusion. I quickly dug in and found every single one of them was a pillow. Memory Foam, Wassaba, My Pillow...all of the infomercial pillows made an appearance in my new collection. I laughed hysterically as I opened each one, testing them out with my fist.

Dean was well aware of my issue with the right pillow. More than once in college, I had turned him down to sleep at his place to get back to the comfort of my bed. He had six brand new pillows laying on his bed at his frat house the next night and we had used every single one in one form or another. I had griped a few times recently at his new place for not having more than one for each of us. He simply looked at me, shook his head and threw his pillow in my face, opting to sleep without one. I teared up at the recent memory.

“This has got to be the coolest thing ever. Did Dean send these?” Rose smiled, shutting my front door as she eyed me on the floor. “Dallas?”

“Fuck,” I bit out before throwing my arms around her, dragging her down to the floor with me and crying on her shoulder while I clung to her.

“What is it?” Rose said taken by surprise. She let me have my minute and when I pulled away from her, I was laughing.

“What the hell is wrong with you, crazy woman?” She was giggling as she gauged my reaction.

I looked around me and laughed with her, surrounded by a mountain of pillows.

“Most girls get flowers. Only Dean would know a comfortable pillow would be the way to your heart.” She picked one up and tossed it at me playfully. I nodded, wiping away my last stray tear. “Did you bring food?”

“No, you were supposed to order it.” She stood up, rolling her eyes. “I’ve got this, loser. What good are you?”

“I’m not lately,” I said on a whisper.

“I’ll handle it. Just go shower or find about twenty-five new cases for these.” She gestured, pulling her phone from her pocket. “And Dallas, you will be telling me what the hell is going on.”

I nodded, dragging a handful of pillows to my bedroom.

I sat on the edge of my bed trying to beat down the urge to fly over to Dean’s in nothing but a winter coat when I got a text.

DEAN: Twenty-five notifications from UPS that your packages arrived. Sleep well, Dallas.

I couldn’t stop myself from replying.

DALLAS: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.

I didn’t have to wait long.

DEAN: I’m sorry I broke my promise.

“Dallas, Kung Pao chicken?” I heard Rose call from the living room. I slid my phone underneath my new pillow and joined my sister. Being near her made me so much stronger.

“Yes!” I said with a smile. An hour later, we were in a carb induced noodle coma in matching yoga pants sharing a bowl of New York Super Fudge Chunk.

“This is the cure for...everything,” I said around a mouthful of chocolate.

“So, I think I’m going to nail the interview,” Rose said, matter of fact.

“You will, you’ve so got this.” She was referring to the interview for a prestigious surgical fellowship she had earned. Only one student was chosen per year and Rose was up for it. She was by far the more disciplined of the two of us. I envied her and the fact that she had more of a normal college experience than I had. Just the same, I was happy for her.

“If I don’t get it, I guess I’ll just chill for a bit and ease into marriage.” She widened her eyes at the word marriage and I chuckled.

“Married, good Lord, I’m close to old maid status,” I remarked, retiring my spoon.

“Oh, horseshit,” she huffed. “Everything can change in a hot minute. I mean the love of your life came waltzing back after what, five years?”

“Seven,” I corrected.

Picking up the trash off my coffee table, she continued her argument, following me to the kitchen. “Okay seven, still he’s back. He’s courting you with pillows and hot damn, Dallas, he is better looking than ever.”

“Don’t remind me.” Blowing out a lungful of air, I threw our trash away and turned to see her standing close.

“What is going on? Please, Dallas, stop keeping things from me. I don’t keep anything from you. At least tell me the situation so I can tell you exactly why you are an idiot.”

“Well, when you put it that way.”

Rolling her eyes, she blocked me from exiting my small kitchen. “You’ve told me your whole life I’m your best friend, right?”

“Of course.”

Her hands on her hips made her look like the ten year old I used to kick the crap out of for stealing my makeup.

“Well ...” Nodding toward me in suggestion, I sighed. The more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. I turned back to the kitchen and heard her groan behind me.

“Dallas ...”

“If I’m going to come clean, I need wine.” I said as I held up a bottle.

Her broad smile was so beautiful it took my breath away.

“You are annoyingly happy at the moment,” I teased. “So please, take that into consideration before you throw sunshine and roses on my shit storm.”

“Deal,” she squeaked, grabbing two glasses out my cabinet.

An hour into my revelation, Rose broke down. I think it had more to do with the fact that I hadn’t told her, but then again the news about the baby clearly wrecked her. We stayed up well past midnight talking and ended up in my bed at 2:00 A.M., winding down our conversation with scattered whispers across the bed in the dark.

“Do you still love him?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Then be with him. Shit, Dallas, did I tell you what I did when David broke my heart?”

“No, should I record this for the wedding video?”

“Shut up.” We both chuckled. I held my new pillow close, enjoying the comfort.

“This has got to be the most comfortable pillow ever,” she remarked.

“Switch,” I said, snatching hers from underneath her. She groaned as her head hit the mattress then sat up.

“If Grant were to leave me for any reason, I would fly back to him the day he came back.”

“I really hate your cheesy logic right now.”

“Okay, all things considered, you have admitted that the problem is you. You want to be in control.”

“I don’t want to be that needy nutcase ever again.” Admitting that was embarrassing, even in front of my sister. She faced me on her pillow, and I couldn’t help but smile at the recollection of the similar memories of when we were younger and the subject matter was way less dramatic.

“I keyed his car,” Rose said quickly. “I begged him back and harassed him on the phone. I even showed up to his wedding and ate a piece of cake.”

“Oh shit!” I exclaimed. “Damn, sis, did you boil his pet rabbit on the stove?”

“What?”

“Ancient movie, but I would say you were close, pun intended.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“Fatal Attraction? Never mind.” I laughed hysterically at my own joke.

“Funny, really...I dated him for five years and he got engaged right after. I had a right to be a little crazy.”

“Yeah...he was a douche.”

“I thought it was love, but it wasn’t. It was a need to be the right girl for him. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough, or how he could marry her.”

“I can totally relate to that.”

After a long minute and what I thought was the end of our conversation, Rose spoke up again.

“He emailed me,” Rose said quietly.

“Who, David?”

“Dean.”

I sat up, turning on the light. Adjusting my eyes to the harsh bulb, I found her guilty eyes and glared at her.

“Before you flip your shit, you should know that I had NO IDEA what was going on. It started your sophomore year of high school. At first, he would just ask simple stuff about us. Then he started asking me about you.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me this!” Throwing the covers off my legs, I stood tapping my foot.

“I didn’t know you weren’t talking to him, too!”

“What the hell did you email about?”

“Like I said, he just asked me about you. It wasn’t all the time, once a month or every couple of months.”

“So you were the one reporting back to him? Great! I’m sure he got a kick out of that.”

“That’s not all.” Fear covered her features as dread coursed through my body.

“What is it, Rose?”

“He emailed me after you graduated,” she said, terrified of my reaction and pulling the covers closer to her.

“What?”

“You were in Cabo with Cammie. I told him you were gone to Cabo with that guy Patrick you were seeing.”

All the blood drained from my face.

“There’s more.” She was wringing her hands. “Before you kick me out—”

“Please just tell me,” I said quickly.

“I knew he had hurt you. I was trying to be a good sister. I just didn’t want him thinking you were sad.”

“ROSE!”

“I told him you were in love with Patrick and that you were probably going to get married.”

“Jesus, Rose!”

“I was trying to have your back. I had no idea. I know you would have done the same if David had come back after he’d hurt me that way. It wasn’t a secret when you ended things. Dallas, I promise I wasn’t trying to ruin your life.”

“You didn’t.”

“Wait...what?”

“An email doesn’t mean shit. He was probably engaged by then.” I dismissed it all, climbing back into bed.

“Maybe he was—”

“Let’s go to sleep.” Turning the light off I punched my pillow out of habit.

“I’m kind of afraid to sleep with you right now. You are taking this way too well.”

“Rose, seriously, my days of being obsessed with the ‘what ifs’ are over. I need to focus on our practice. But tell me about Dean...I mean Grant.”

“He’s perfect.” Her voice was shaking. “What if he was going to come back to propose to you Dallas?”

“Rose,” I leaned in so we were forehead to forehead. “I love you more than anyone in the world. Do you understand? You are my number one.” I felt her nod and gave her a quick squeeze. “It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you told me the truth and maybe if I had told you mine a little sooner it could have been helped. Honestly, I just want to move on. I think all of us have suffered enough, including you. Love’s a bitch, but if she’s going to be a bitch to me, I’m glad she’s being good to you. Let’s go to sleep.”

I pulled my cell from underneath my pillow and looked at the screen.

DEAN: I just delivered a beautiful boy. I can’t stop thinking about you and how beautiful our baby would have been. We will have more. I promise you, Dallas.

For the first time since Dean popped back into my life, I wanted to believe him.

Dallas

Now

“Seth Whitaker, I am still young enough to divorce you!” Rose and I laughed hysterically at our parents fussing in the kitchen.

“Good morning!” I chirped as I watched them fight over the stuffing recipe. They ignored me as they fought for ten minutes about whose turkey tasted better.

“I bought two, Seth. You didn’t defrost yours, deal with it!” She raised her hands in a Hail Mary as he shook his head, his hands on his hips.

“Laura, you want to explain to me why you took yours out and didn’t bother with mine?”

“Are you saying I purposefully sabotaged your turkey?” My father winked at me as my mother’s blood pressure rose to an all-time high.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” His grin was cut short by a spoon full of raw dressing hitting his face. Rose and I ducked for cover as my mother threw spoonful after spoonful, drenching him in her concoction

“You are such a pain in the ass,” he roared, trapping her arms around her body and rubbing the dressing all over her by sliding against her. Rose and I quickly grabbed the broom and cleaned what we could before resuming the stuffing of the bird. Once we had completed our task, we looked up to see our parents smiling at us from our former chairs.

“They grow up so fast,” my mother said.

“Yes they do, baby.” He pulled my mother into a hug. “At least if the turkey is dry this year, for once it won’t be your fault.” My mother pulled away from his grasp and gave him an elbow to the chest. Grant came down and joined us with a smile. “Whoa, what happened here?”

“Oh, nothing out of the ordinary,” Rose chimed in, taking his hand, leading him into the hallway for what I was sure was a show of affection. I heard murmurs and promises and tried to be happy for her when the small pang of envy arrived.

I spent the day in the kitchen utilizing some much-needed uninterrupted time with Rose’s fiancé.

“Grant, why the rush to get married? Not that I have any objection,” I added quickly while Rose glared at me, popping the ends off of fresh green beans at the table.”

“I’ve wasted enough time with the wrong woman. I want our life to start right now.” He smiled at her, completely unaffected by my question.

“That’s all very romantic, but you do know she will bankrupt you with the grocery bill alone, right?” I laughed as several beans flew at me from her direction. “She eats like a—”

“Like she’s pregnant with triplets. Oh, God, don’t I know it. Last night she had a 3:00 A.M. feeding that gave me nightmares. I mean, really? Peanut butter and mayo?”

A fistful of beans hit him in the head as he chuckled and addressed her. “Baby, you’re a pig, but a beautiful pig.”

“I plan on getting good and fat once we are married,” she huffed. Grant and I spoke at once to egg her on.

“We should record her and put it on YouTube—”

“I leave half a loaf of bread on her nightstand just so—”

“There will be no ganging up on me!” she declared, rounding the corner with her colander of beans.

“Thank God your mother got a thirty pound turkey,” Grant finished as she dropped the beans in the sink and swung the faucet handle on him.

“Go ahead, say something else,” she threatened as she turned the water on, holding the nozzle dangerously close to his crotch.

“You two would make Mom and Dad proud,” I said, seeing Rose’s face burst with pride and her demeanor soften with the words. I laughed as she threw herself in his arms, kissing him repeatedly as he laughed at her outburst. I checked my messages giving them a moment alone as I stepped outside. It was another Indian summer type of day.

DEAN: Are you home?

DALLAS: Yes, you?

DEAN: Yes. We are having steak.

DALLAS: Oh no, she forgot?

DEAN: Yes, but that’s okay. She’s doing well.

DALLAS: Come on, bring her over. We have plenty.

I waited for his reply. I missed him terribly and this was the perfect excuse to see him without worrying about how he would interpret it. I still didn’t trust myself, but I was working on it.

DEAN: She doesn’t leave this house, Dallas.

DALLAS: Wouldn’t hurt to try.

DEAN: I’ll see what I can do. What time are you eating?

DALLAS: Around six.

DEAN: Okay.

DALLAS: I really want you to come.

I waited for a reply and got it several hours later when the doorbell rang. My heart soared as I opened it to find Dean gripping his mother tightly to him. She was clearly having a hard time with being there, and I instantly felt guilty.

I ushered them inside and once we got her seated with a glass of wine, I took him aside. “I don’t want her to feel this way. You didn’t have to do this.”

He leaned in to me with concern clear in his voice. “I really wanted to come. I mean, she’s here. What if it’s one of the last times she’s able to—”

Loud laughter echoed from the family room as we both stood there. His mother was hysterical as we both turned the corner to find Rose speaking fluent Spanish and waving her arms completely animated.

“What is she saying?” I asked Dean.

“She’s telling her about her favorite soap opera. Apparently, Rose watches Telemundo.”

“You are shitting me,” I gaped as Dayana tilted her head back and let out another full belly laugh at another of Rose’s antics. “Well, looks like you chose the wrong sister,” I said apologetically to Dean.

He wrapped his arms around me. “Yo nunca tuve opción.”

“Why do you do that knowing I have no idea what you’re saying?”

“Because I know it drives you crazy,” he answered without apology. Suddenly my father jumped in, speaking Dayana’s native tongue, followed by Grant. I felt like I had just been transported into the Twilight Zone.

“Okay, you too?” I questioned Grant. “Seriously?”

Grant shrugged apologetically and I waved them all off.

Dinner was blissful and at the same time uneventful. The turkey was a little dry, but we all gave a round of applause for effort. Dayana looked around at us with a peaceful smile, but faded quickly after dinner, insisting Dean take her home. She asked for Papa repeatedly, and I noticed when Dean gave her an excuse for his absence, she was fully aware he was lying and completely lucid. The recollection that he was gone was painful. Though their visit was short, it was more than Dean and I could have hoped for and I waved them a goodbye, saddened by the loss. Dean leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips, fire in his eyes, letting me know he would do much more under different circumstances. I took his kiss and returned it without worrying for once what the repercussions would be. I looked on as he helped her in the car and pressed two fingers to his mouth then held them up to me.

“El rayo te cayó hace mucho tiempo atrás, mi ángel,” my dad said behind me. I turned to him, clearly flustered until my mom stepped in and translated.

“Lightning struck you a long time ago,” she said, giving my father a knowing smirk.

“Okay, apparently I was absent the days the Whitakers took Spanish,” I mumbled, pushing past them to finish the dishes.

That night in bed, Dean texted me things I would never in a million years have recalled, and I replied to him with different memories. The saying that the people closest to you help you remember who you were rang true now more than ever. His memories kept me alive to him and mine kept him alive to me, Although our fondest ones were the same and remained the staples in our lives with or without each other, the smaller more detailed memories reminded us both that once upon a time, though we were young and sometimes ridiculous, we were beautiful. I looked at the clock and a sleeping Rose next to me and decided to ask Dean for more than what he remembered.

DALLAS: I’m ready to ask my questions.

DEAN: Okay.

DALLAS: Don’t lie.

DEAN: I promise.

DALLAS: Did you ever think about coming back?

DEAN: All the time.

DALLAS: Why didn’t you?

DEAN: The longer I took to get back, the further away I felt, and the more I stayed away the less I felt I had a right to come back. I was involved with Helena and determined to finish school. I eventually gave up on the thought that you would take me back.

DALLAS: Why?

DEAN: Rose told me you were in love.

DALLAS: Were you...in love?

Of course, he was in love, idiot. He was going to marry her.

DEAN: The part of me that thought I belonged there thought I was.

DALLAS: I wasn’t.

DEAN: I think I knew that deep down.

DALLAS: And still you stayed away.

DEAN: I regret it.

DALLAS: Goodnight.

Damn the explanation was so simple. Still, it hurt like hell.

My phone rang in my hand and I answered quickly, but he didn’t give me a chance to speak. “I never saw myself marrying her or going through with it, not once.” I quickly threw off the covers and snuck downstairs and out the back door. I welcomed the chill in the air as my face heated in anger.

“Why, why didn’t you go through with it? You asked her. You got down on your knee.” My voiced cracked on the last word. The thought of him asking her ripped through me painfully.

“You know why.”

“I want to go to sleep,” I said quickly.

“No, you’re angry.”

“Hell yes, I’m angry!” I took deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. “Let’s not do this,” I pleaded.

“Ask me anything you want,” he encouraged. When I stayed quiet, he continued. “After my father’s funeral, I came to see you at school.”

I froze.

“I was so fucked up, Dallas, so lost. All I wanted was to see your face. You managed to find me at Columbia, and your campus was so much smaller, but I waited a whole day just for a glimpse of you and didn’t get anything. I thought about us as I waited there, searching for you in vain. When I went home, even though I was still without you, I withdrew from Helena. I never belonged to her. When I decided to move home, I looked you up. I knew you were working at that hospital, and I did what I needed to do to get in there. I didn’t know you were still waiting, because if I did—”

“Stop it. Stop. I didn’t get anything from you, not one phone call, not one fucking text, not one email. You gave me nothing! Why didn’t you come to me? Why email my sister? Why couldn’t you have just come to me? I was here. I was waiting. I kept my promise!” I cupped my hand over my mouth to keep him from hearing my sobs. The rejection ripped fresh waves of pain through me as I fought for control.

“I’m coming to you. We can’t do this over the phone.”

“No, answer me,” I said quickly, knowing I would crumble at the sight of him. I had waited a long time for the answers I now knew I deserved.

“I was still trying to figure out how to approach you after all that time. I couldn’t face you being involved with someone else. And eventually I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to know you again. I had to know you again. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s the truth.”

“You’re right, I don’t believe you, but damn it...Dean, I want to.” My voice shook with emotion and I was suddenly exhausted. “Dean, I have to go.”

“Talk to me, damn it,” he snapped, clearly frustrated and I understood it. I wasn’t giving him any help. “I just want to put this behind us.”

“I’m not really good at doing that,” I reminded him. “I want to trust you. I want to trust me.”

“You are still holding back with me, I know that. We can’t do this the right way if you do that.”

“I know,” I conceded.

We remained quiet for several minutes.

“Ask me,” he prompted. I let the tears trickle down knowing exactly what he wanted. It had been on the tip of my tongue and it was the only question I truly wanted an answer to.

“Why didn’t you keep your promise?”

“I was already engaged,” he said so softly that I had to strain to hear. I nodded, knowing that it was the truth all along.

“I’m fine...I already knew that.”

“I told you I met her the first year but we didn’t start dating until my second. I wanted to believe that what you and I had was just a young love type of thing. That I would always remember you but I could move on. That I was right to be in New York, and that it was a good thing to try to move forward with Helena. I tried to convince myself the shooting pains in my chest every time I thought about you would eventually disappear. That the guilt I felt when I had sex with my own fiancée had nothing to do with you. That every time I slipped in the shower and wrapped my fist around myself it wasn’t you I was thinking about.

“That the rage I felt at the thought of another man touching you was immature and misplaced. It never got better. It never went away, and I considered a good day a day where I fell asleep without you being the last thing on my mind. I want to tell you when Rose answered my email and told me you fell in love and were happy that I was happy for you. That it didn’t feel like I had lost you all over again and I didn’t resent you for it. That some part of me wasn’t hoping deep down it would all fall apart for you. But I’m a selfish man and I wanted you to keep your promise, even though I never kept mine. I wanted New York to fit because it was supposed to, but I was never as happy as I was when we were together. And eventually, my stubborn determination to make my life work there became a daily realization that I was living the wrong life with the wrong woman.”

I listened silently as he told me about his regret.

“I won’t lie to you and tell you there weren’t times I thought it was working. That I wasn’t happy and didn’t do well because, I did. I was at times. My career took off shortly after I graduated. I got a staggering amount of offers and I dived right in with the best one. When that happened, I was, for the first time, happy that I stuck with my decision to stay. But it was short lived when my father died. It was a slap in the face for me. I had already accomplished what I set out to do and none of it was fulfilling enough for me to keep pretending what I was doing was enough.”

Men are such idiots.

“Dallas?”

“I’m here.”

“None of this is helping, is it?” Gravel filled his voice as I absorbed all he had told me.

“Why did you lie about still being engaged when you got here?” I shut the door to the patio and stepped inside, rummaging through the fridge.

“I don’t know.”

“Not good enough, Dean.”

“I was happy you were jealous. It’s wrong, I know, but it felt so good after wondering for so long if you still harbored any feelings for me.”

I smiled at that.

“You know I could have done without all the theatrics, Dean. You could have just told me the truth a long time ago.”

“You call it theatrics, I call it passionate wooing.” He chuckled.

“Don’t hide behind your Spanish roots, buddy,” I scolded.

“Necesito que me perdones por ser tan idiota, mi amor. Necesito escucharte decir esas palabras, me estáis matando.” He breathed heavily.

“God, that sounded sexy,” I breathed back suddenly hot with need for him.

His groan gave him away before he spoke his next words. “Should I come and take you away? Make love to you all night and show you just how much I’ve missed you?”

“No,” I said, opening the fridge and taking out the leftover turkey, ignoring my vagina as she waved an angry fist in the air.

“You’re still angry?” He seemed surprised and I shook my head, slamming the Tupperware full of turkey on the counter.

“No...yes.” I paused trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. “You weren’t just my boyfriend, Dean, you were my best friend, too. You knew me better than anyone else and you took that away from me. I needed you. You can’t take that back. Just let me figure out where to put all this.”

“Okay,” he said, sounding defeated.

“I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Okay,” he said softly.

“Goodnight, Dean.” I hung up without waiting for his response and jumped when the kitchen light flipped on.

“Grant,” I said, smiling.

“Oh, woman, you read my mind. Nothing quite as good as a leftover turkey sandwich,” he chuckled joining me. “Do you mind?”

“Of course not. Mayo? Lettuce?”

“I’ll make my own,” he offered.

“No way. This one is on me.” I smiled as he took a seat at the bar stool behind the counter.

“Make it two then.” He winked. “So okay, without sounding like a total prying jerk, I did hear the ass end of your conversation. Was that Dean?”

“Why would you assume it was Dean?” I asked, knowing Rose had probably blabbed our history to him already.

“Honestly, I saw how far gone you were for him at the engagement party, and of course there is Rose.” He chuckled. “She coined the phrase TMI.”

“Don’t I know it,” I said, starting his second sandwich.

“She’s been really worried about you lately. So do you want to talk about it?”

“Taking this brother thing seriously, are you?” I teased and he smiled. It nearly took my breath away. Grant was...beautiful with his shoulder length dark hair and kind eyes. His size contradicted the air about him. The easiest way to describe him would be a gentle giant.

“Honestly, it takes a sucker in love to see one. I really wouldn’t be so damn interested if I wasn’t on a high of my own. And yes, I want to help.” His smile was sincere as I cut his sandwiches in half then stuck his plate in front of him, following it with a glass of milk. He looked adorable and a little childlike as he smiled in thank you. A dimple made an appearance right before he took a big bite of sandwich.

“If you were in love with a woman, and you broke up with her, realized it was a mistake, would it take you seven years to go back and fight for her?”

“Wow,” he said quickly.

“I thought so.” Taking a big bite of my sandwich, I moaned in appreciation.

Grant thought for a minute. “You know I screwed up like that once. I met a girl who absolutely blew my mind when I was younger. I took her on a few dates and then decided not to get serious. By the time I had figured out I was actually interested in her, I was put in the friend zone.”

“How long did that take?”

“Almost a year,” he said truthfully.

“Seriously?” I shook my head, condemning him.

“It wouldn’t have mattered. I didn’t find my match until Rose. I’ve never been more certain. Live and learn, you know?” We ate for a few minutes in silence.

“Can I be honest with you?” He put down his sandwich and looked to me with caution written all over his face.

“Of course, Grant.”

“Women put a ton of emphasis on things like birthdays, anniversaries, how he proposed, things that matter to them.”

“Okay, so?” I tilted my head and looked at him curiously.

“So men aren’t so much interested in things like that. I know I don’t see things that way. I know when I found Rose, I didn’t memorize what day it was. I didn’t give a shit what she was wearing. I knew I probably wouldn’t remember how she styled her hair ten years down the road. All I knew was that I was in love and that I had to have her. It takes the time it takes.”

“I know it seems like a petty argument, but I can’t seem to move past it. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. It just seems like I’m always the first to cave, like he’s always late to the party, like he’s always late...period,” I said, taking another bite of my sandwich.

“Exactly my point. How many times have you heard of a relationship going sour and the minute the woman begins to move on the man tries to step back in?”

“I just assume its jealousy, right? Like some territorial need to keep them hanging on?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Okay, brother, I’m all ears.” He smiled at my term and I felt my chest squeeze. I was elated for my sister.

“Do you feel the same way for him that you did seven years ago?”

I nodded a yes slowly. “God, even more I think.”

“To me, being a guy...from a guy’s point of view, that’s what matters most. I would think that’s all that matters to Dean.”

“I’m holding a grudge I have no right to hold. I’m mad at all the time we missed and I’m holding it against him. I hate that he was going to marry someone else.”

“Understandable, but you are counting anniversaries you’ve missed. He’s counting on a future with you.” I snapped my head up. “How do you know that?”

“How do you not? I saw the way he looks at you, Dallas. Everyone did.”

I said nothing as I stared at the sandwich knife in my hand. I smiled as Grant polished off his second one.

“Another one?”

“Yes, please,” he replied sweetly.

“Hell yes, brother. I’ll have one, too, then I’ll cut us a slice of pie.”

He rubbed his hands together, and I could see a softness cover his features before he spoke. “I love this, being here. Your family is amazing. I never thought I would find ...” I saw a flash of pain cover his features and had to fight like hell to keep my tears from coming. “Anyway, I’m just so thankful.”

Grant had just lost his father a few months ago and had no one but Rose. I couldn’t imagine the pain he was feeling. I was thrilled this helped in some way, that he was now a new addition to our family.

“My parents love you, Grant. You and Rose are so happy. This is all good. I see good things for the two of you. I was so sorry to hear about your father. You can talk about him anytime you want.”

“He was a good man. Not a picture perfect father, but we were close. I imagine I was a handful. He was good to me. I’m blessed to have had him...I miss him.” He kept his voice low, as if it was the only way to keep his emotions in check. “Anyway, it was pancreatic cancer,” he said quickly. “It was slow and painful for him and a hellish nightmare for both of us. Rose is the only reason I smile at all now. I can’t even imagine how lost I would be if she hadn’t have been there.”

I was stunned and furious at the same time. The disease seemed to affect almost everyone I knew. It was always someone’s mother or father or husband or best friend, only a single degree of separation. It was everywhere and a consistent threat to those I loved. In that very moment of his confession that he was orphaned by my nemesis, I vowed to fight harder, to work longer hours, to do whatever I could.

“I’m an oncologist now.” I admitted. “I’ve never felt a pull stronger than before I made this decision. It just felt so right. I can’t explain it. I haven’t told Rose. I knew it would alter our plans and I’m afraid she will never forgive me. You know we are supposed to start a general practice and I went and changed it all without telling her. I’m afraid she’ll never forgive me. I’m trying to figure out a way to make this work before I approach her with it. Please don’t tell her,” I pleaded, suddenly terrified I mentioned it at all.

“I won’t. But I will say, I think it’s a pretty cool thing. I had no luck with the doctors who helped my father. I know Rose just wants to be a surgeon. I know how much she loves it, and I know she would probably stand behind you one hundred percent. She looks up to you a lot, Dallas. I don’t think it would matter to her what you did as long as you did something together. I know I have kind of taken her away from you, but I promise as soon as the madness of her schooling and the wedding is over, we will make more of an effort. I know how much she treasures your relationship and it’s important to me, too.”

My heart squeezed again painfully, and I couldn’t help making my way over to the man I knew was without a doubt the perfect match for my sister. I gave him a quick hug and he returned it, squeezing the life out of me. I chuckled as he pulled back.

“I have a good feeling about this. About you being an oncologist, I mean. I see all good things for you both. You should just tell her. See what happens. I think you’ll be surprised.”

I nodded and turned to clean up the mess, capping the mayo.

“Leave it. I’m going to make one for your sister, who I am sure will be down in a few to make her own.”

“You sure?” I said, smiling at his thoughtfulness. I loved that he would be the one taking care of her.

“Of course,” he said, rounding the counter. I felt like a tiny human standing next to him as he towered above me. He was truly a unique presence. I could see his appeal and knew exactly why the entire family had taken to him so quickly. I was sold.

“Well, okay, thanks for the talk.”

He kept his head down but didn’t let me escape the room before reminding me, “Better hurry up before you miss your next anniversary.” He smiled then looked up. I nodded then turned to hurry upstairs. I met Rose on her way down.

“Turkey sandwich.” She grinned sleepily. I nodded, already picturing Rose’s smile as she found the man of her dreams at the bottom of the stairs making it for her.

Dallas

Now

I got called in for a consult the next morning at work. It seemed the entire oncology department was not immune to the black Friday sales or the inevitable turkey coma. I was happy to go in and actually felt well rested despite having stayed up late. Looking forward to immersing myself into another case, but not forgetting about the ones I wasn’t currently working, I spent my first twenty minutes passing out dry turkey sandwiches, which they thanked me for with huge smiles. It was the little things.

My consult was in OB, and I was shocked when I found out Dean was the one who paged me. I walked into his office with a smile and saw him behind his desk with a set of printed sonogram x-rays lit up behind him. I saw the issue immediately, but greeted Dean first.

“Hi,” I said with a smile.

“Hi, Dally.” His voice alarmed me. I knew it couldn’t be easy on him to have to go back and tell his patient they had cancer. I could almost guarantee this case was terminal.

Dean stood up and pulled me into his arms. I pulled away, curious.

“I’m sorry, was she a regular patient of yours?”

“A really good friend. Is it as bad as I think?”

I studied the chart and nodded. “It looks bad, Dean. It’s improbable this isn’t malignant and even with a hysterectomy and a full dose of the highest level, I can predict this has already spread well beyond the pelvic regions and throughout the lymph nodes. But I will try my best, I promise. I mean, there is no such thing as a lost cause. We can fight it hard. There are a lot of things we can try.”

“Okay,” he said carefully. “This patient asked for you specifically.” I nodded. “Oh, Dean, is this Rita?”

“You might want to sit down, Dallas.” Fear and panic swept through me as I felt instant sweat bead on my forehead. “Dean, don’t make me wait—”

“It’s Beatrice,” he answered quickly as the axe swung and fully hit me in the chest. I jumped up quickly. “What room?”

“Dallas, take a minute to absorb, okay? She knows it’s bad.”

“I’m fine, Dean. What room.”

“Four,” he answered, following me out as I rushed to the door, my chest so tight I took only a deep breath before walking into the room.

Beatrice was sitting on the bed in a hospital gown, her arms folded. She greeted me with a smile and an immediate, “Oh shit, well I wasn’t sure until now. You really do have a terrible poker face.”

I glared at Dean and then gathered myself quickly. “This isn’t a conversation we had today, Dallas,” Dean defended. I nodded and moved to her bedside. She was trying to hide her fear but I could tell she was scared. I grabbed her hand and sat with her while Dean stood next to the bed.

“We have some tests to run, several. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t look good, but we are going to fight this hard. I need you to trust me and do exactly as I say, okay?” She nodded.

“Okay,” she said quickly, giving my hand a tight squeeze. “I’ve lived a good life, baby, and if this is the way I get to go—”

“Don’t, not yet. Let me see what we are dealing with here,” I said quickly. I gave her a brief hug and she held onto me tightly. I pulled away and kept a straight face, knowing that she needed me now more than ever.

“Is there anyone we can call?”

“No baby,” she said tightly. “Let’s just get this done.” I nodded and stood up. “I’m going to order the tests. I’ll have you moved up to my floor.”

She gave me a warm smile. I turned to Dean. “Give us a minute.” He nodded and went to Beatrice and squeezed her hand. She looked up at him and winked. I could feel the heaviness in him as he walked out the door.

I watched his retreat and as soon as the door closed, I turned to her. “I’m so sorry for what I said last week. I wanted to apologize before now and I need you to know that. I love you, Beatrice. You have been my rock. I think you know that, but I want you to know, I will do everything I can.”

“Baby, listen, I asked for you because I trust you, but I want you to promise me now, if I can’t kick this you, won’t blame yourself.”

“I promise,” I said sincerely.

“Go. Go find a way to fix me,” she said, her chest heaving. I hesitated knowing her levy was one drop short of breaking.

“I don’t want you to be here when it happens.” Sighing, I got up. “Go,” she said more sternly. I watched her chest push and pull with emotion as I quickly walked out the door. I stood outside of it, listening to her sobs. No matter how strong your character, when you have been sentenced the way she had, you find your strength in release and acceptance. Whether you came out ready to fight or fail, it happens to everyone, and Beatrice was not the type to accept any sort of pity. I cried with her outside that door and prayed silently before squaring my shoulders and looking for Dean. I found him in his office, leaning back and staring at his ceiling. When I appeared at his door, he stood quickly, walking over to me then closed the door behind me.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, kissing my newly stained cheeks.

“I’m not giving up. I can’t. I won’t sentence her to death. This is so fucked up. I love her, Dean.”

“I know,” he murmured, planting small kisses all over my face. I let him kiss me and wrapped my arms around him. “I need you,” I said urgently. His eyes lit up with recognition and he didn’t hesitate before moving his lips over mine. I let out a sigh as our tongues mingled, kissing him more urgently.

“Make it go away,” I said as I broke away to slide my jacket off my arms. “Please, Dean.”

I slipped my hands around his waist, grinding him into me, desperate for his touch. I reveled in the feel of him and reached for his pants zipper, but he stopped me.

“Dean, please.”

“Baby, I’m sorry,” he whispered as he lay his head on my shoulder for several minutes. “We can’t do this, not like this. You’re hurting and you aren’t thinking clearly.”

I sighed heavily, knowing he was right. I was once again trying to mask my pain the wrong way.

“Let me take you home.”

“Not a chance. I’m not leaving her, at least not today.” He nodded as if he understood and then quickly asked his next question.

“Please tell me what I can do.”

“She has a cat named Morris. He will need to be taken care of. I don’t think she’s thought about him.”

“I already have her keys,” Dean said, pulling them from his pocket.

“Okay, thanks.” I turned to leave and he stopped me.

“Will you come to me when you leave here?”

“I don’t know. I have a lot to do. It’s going to be a rough couple of months,” I offered quickly.

He stopped my movement with caressing hands on my shoulders. “So let me in. Let me be a part of it.”

“Dean—”

“So it’s okay to run to me for a quick feel better fuck but not for what you really need?”

“Damn it, can we not do this today!”

“Oh we are. Right here, right now.” I pulled the door open and he slammed it, turning me back to face him.

Dallas

Now

“This is it! I’ve lost my patience! I’m not fucking around anymore! This was never some ploy to get you back into my bed Dallas! This is me telling you I want the rest of your life, to father your children. I’m him. Fight it all you want, but I’m that guy.”

All the blood drained from my face and my heart burst.

“Funny, our history speaks differently! You were going to marry someone else and you have an entire floor of nurses ready to take her place!”

“Those women, or whomever you think I have anything residual with were on borrowed time. Even my own fucking fiancée knew I was in love with someone else...Those days were long over the day I got serious with you. Damn it, woman, you are not easy to love, and I can’t keep—” He cut himself off, taking a step forward so there was no space between us, his face twisted as he breathed in deep. He looked at me again, studying me before he continued. “If for some reason I’m truly wrong about us, Dallas, if I truly am delusional, why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” My voice cracked and I realized my face was becoming soaked. Angry with the body betraying me, I lashed out. “I won’t let you hurt me like that again. I’m trying with you. I’m trying! But stop thinking about what you want for one damn minute and think about me! I can’t let myself put all my hope into you again. It nearly destroyed me!”

He shook his head angrily. “I am thinking about you, have only thought about you for years. So if I’m being a little selfish, I don’t give a shit. You,” he said emphatically so I snapped my attention to him, “it’s very simple...belong with me.” I let out a long breath as I continued to cry. He didn’t move, but his next words hit me with a force that almost leveled me. “I don’t have a choice in this anymore than you do. We can’t keep running from what we both know in our hearts is the truth. It’s ridiculous to think we can move on with anyone else. I’ve tried. I couldn’t do it. And neither could you. Denying what we have damn near ruined us both. I’m no longer willing to lie to myself and haven’t been in a long time. We were right the first time.”

His hands gripped my neck as he gently stroked my throat as he leaned in. “"We got it right the first time. We just fucked up a little along the way. We weren't perfect—never have been—but we were beautiful. We still are.”

Our eyes locked as he tilted my head up and held it.

“I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you tomorrow. And if you walk away from me, not one damn woman in the world will ever take your place. No one ever has. I had to learn, Dallas. It took some time. Please, just let go, forgive me, and let me love you.”

“You walked away,” I reminded softly. “You didn’t even look back.”

“All I did was look back, but I won’t ever walk away again,” he promised, his tone serious, hopeful.

“I didn’t think you would then.” My face still in his hands I threw a weak argument his way. My resolve already falling apart with every word he spoke. “We don’t get along Dean, we never really have.”

“Bullshit, and besides, that’s the way we work, but I’m not going to stand here and convince you, Dallas Whitaker. I shouldn’t have to because you have always loved me, too. You promised me you would.” He leaned in closer and wiped my new tears away with his thumbs, gently re-gripping my head and bringing me to him.

“I know what I said,” I murmured.

“I love you, Dally, so much, so completely, so purposefully. I don’t think it was ever unintended. I think I knew exactly who I wanted my heart to belong to.” He pressed his lips to mine, gently separating them before gliding his tongue across my mouth. Once I opened, he devoured me in a passionate kiss, tasting me, taking me. Pulling away only enough to say his next words, his lips grazed over mine with soft kisses in between.

“Tú tienes la otra mitad de mi corazón, y no puedo vivir sin ella.” Before I could ask him, he told me the meaning. “You have the other half of my heart and I can’t live without it.” He gripped my shoulders, his forehead to mine. “You are the other half of me. Tell me how to fight for you, baby. Tell me what to do. I'll do whatever you want. Don't take my life away from me. Forgive me.”

“I already have,” I confessed. “I just haven’t forgiven myself.” Honesty was the only thing I could give him as the last of my walls came crashing down around me. He straightened to look at me as he held me close, the pain etched all over his beautiful features. It was surreal that this beautiful, passionate man loved me.

“When you do, Dallas, whenever you are ready, I’ll be there. I won’t hurt you again. I only want to make it last. I want to keep my promise. I want to marry you, to put more babies inside you. I can’t wait to start trying. Ever since you told me, it’s all I think about. It’s all I want, a life with you. The life we planned on.”

I nodded then leaned in, giving in completely to my need for him. I wrapped my arms around him giving him the only thing I could, complete surrender without words. He held me tightly to him as we made love with our mouths, deeply and without restraint. When we pulled away, we were both panting with need and renewed arousal. We were interrupted by a door knock and pulled away quickly before it opened.

“Dr. Martin, Dr. Nelson is on line four,” the nurse said, taking a quick peek into the room.

“Thank you,” he said, dismissing her without looking her way.

On guard that the lead oncologist was on the phone, I took as step toward Beatrice’s ultrasound and pointed. “This is my case,” I said firmly, meeting his eyes.” Don’t even think about talking to him about it. I mean it. I have to answer to him and I am not ready yet.”

“Dallas, you are so involved—”

“Please trust me,” I begged. “She called me here. She wants me. I love her. I want to help her. She’s like family to me, but you know I can handle this.”

He nodded leaning in. “Our conversation isn’t over,” he reminded me, leaning in for another kiss.

I moaned when he pulled away then smiled. Dean returned it with a question in his eyes.

“U uu...sted tomó el tiempo sul...damn it...su...ficiente,” I sputtered out.

His eyebrow lifted with his grin. “Oh, baby, you butchered that.” He chuckled. “But you’re right, I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Yo también te quiero, Dean. I love you, too, always.”

I pulled the necklace from underneath my shirt and gave him a sheepish smile. He eyed it with shock, and I saw the emotion cover him as he brushed his fingers over the promise he had given me all those years ago.

More nervous sputtering came out of me as he looked up, full of emotion. “The first chain broke, I had to find a—” He cut me off, plastering his lips to mine with renewed passion. I gripped him firmly to me, returning his kiss with my whole heart.

“No more waiting, Dallas,” he murmured, refusing to let me out of his embrace. “I’m not leaving you again.”

I left Dean’s office with an overabundance of hope, for him, for us and what I hoped would be enough for Beatrice.

I was finally, finally ready to believe in the beautiful again.

"Very few people get a chance to spend their lives with their first love. It's a gift". – Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Christmas Eve

“Oh, God, I’m coming,” I said, screaming as Dean lapped me up viciously on his stairs. We had barely made it home from a beautiful evening of wine perfectly paired with steak. I had shown him my garters half way through dinner and he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off me since. By the time we made it home, I had sucked him purple and stopped abruptly only to give chase as I burst through his garage door. He made it to me quickly, punishing me right back until I had to beg for my orgasm. I sat back on my forearms as he splintered my panties, diving right into me without mercy, fingering my garters as he plunged his tongue inside of me repeatedly. My heels dug into his sides, spurring him on as my entire body quaked with the gift he was giving me. When he pulled away, I pulled his soaked face into a fierce kiss, spreading my legs further as he sank between my thighs.

“You are so beautiful,” he rasped out as he pulled my shirt over my head. “I can’t get enough of you.” His mouth found my nipple through my bra, and I tilted my head back, praise passing through my lips.

“Please,” I begged as he wrapped his hands around me unclasping and taking the satin from me. “Let me taste you, Dean.” I pushed him down, switching our positions as he sat sprawled on his wide carpeted stairs. I dove for his beautiful dick, eager to please him, and heard his sharp hiss when I wrapped my lips around him as tightly as I could. He massaged my sides with his knuckles, drawing out my moans, touching me anywhere and everywhere without interrupting the workings of my hungry mouth.

“Dallas, ha no peuda mas. Joder!”

He grunted as his length thickened, letting me know he was close. I gripped him tighter, eager to give back as good as he gave. I took all of his erection in deep, laving him with my tongue and cupping his tight sac. I braced myself for his release when he gripped my hair and pulled me back.

“No,” he said. “I want to come inside you.” He lifted me, centering me over him and I protested, “But, Dean—”

“Please,” he asked without waiting for an answer, lifting me and pushing the large tip of himself inside. I took him into me slowly as our eyes locked. I was beyond my limit as I appraised his disheveled raven hair, hooded eyes, and breathtaking mouth. This man was beautiful and in love with me. That thought alone had me spiraling quickly toward the edge.

“I love you,” I said as I began to move on top of him, “so much.” My voice broke as the emotion took over. Being able to say what had been held so deep inside of me for so long was utterly freeing. The waiting, the longing for him, it was all over.

Once I had decided to let go, everything fell into an amazing rhythm between us. It took little to no effort for it to happen. Our love for each other unfolded so naturally, so easily. And the more time I spent with him, the more I realized it was a wasted effort to try to resist him. I cursed my stupidity daily. The fear of falling had almost ruined my chance at happiness with the one true love of my life.

I sped up, watching his reaction to me as he cupped my breasts, looking at me with a reverence so beautiful and so pure I gasped at its arrival. No matter how hot the sex was between us, it was always an act of love and reiterated what we meant to each other. It had always been that way.

Dean had made it that way.

When his body stiffened and he braced himself, he pulled up, moaning his release into my mouth with a fevered kiss. I let go as he emptied himself inside of me with whispered words. “La otra mitad de mi corazón . Puedo respirar de nuevo.”

“Dean,” I groaned, “I told you I only learned those two sentences. I still have no idea what you are saying.” He grinned up at me, still breathless.

“I guess you better get on Spanish lessons, love. You are missing out.”

I ran my fingers through his damp hair, reveling in his clean and salty mixed scent. “I almost ruined this,” I said as he pulled away from another sinful and deep kiss.

“I wasn’t going to give up,” he said quickly. “I knew the minute I saw you at fifteen that there was something about you. The second you opened that sassy mouth, I was done for. You’ve never been an easy woman to love. You gave me hell at every turn. You still do. But I always knew you were worth it.” He leaned in, planting soft kisses on my jaw. I wiggled at the feel of his softening erection. “He’s fine. He’s resting. Let him be,” he insisted, pushing himself in deeper. I grinned and leaned in again as he wrapped himself around me. He grinned up at me and took my breath away.

“I fell in love with you the day you cooked crunchy enchiladas and rice soup for my eighteenth birthday.”

“That wasn’t soup,” I scolded with a laugh.

“I know it wasn’t supposed to be,” he said, playing offended when I slapped his chest.

“But, oh God, it was the worst,” he chuckled. “You were so broken hearted when your entire family took a bite of crunchy enchiladas.”

“I didn’t know I had to soften the shells in oil,” I said. “It was a beginner’s mistake.”

“You looked so beautiful in your white sundress, damn near in tears. You were trying so hard. My heart broke for you.”

“You ate every bite and asked for seconds,” I murmured.

“I loved you then, Dallas. Maybe even before. I would eat crunchy enchiladas and soupy rice my entire life if it meant I got to do it with you. But I’m hoping you got a little better at it by now.” He chuckled, nipping at my neck. He pulled back again to make sure he had my attention as I looked at him in question. “You are a lot of sass and bite, Dallas and I love it. Maybe it’s the Spaniard in me. But what I love most is that heart you try so hard to hide. It’s so easy to see, and when you love, you love me so well.” He cupped my face in his hands as he spoke next. “Dallas, the greatest give you’ve ever given me was a piece of your heart. I’m going to have to ask for that back now. I need it.”

“You already have it,” I whispered pressing my lips against his.

“I know,” he whispered back.

“Dean?” I questioned, getting lost in his kiss.

“Quemi amor?”

“I’ve really been blind, but I think I always knew how much you loved me. It was so hard to be in love with the most beautiful and wanted man in school. I still can’t handle the way they look at you at work now. I know I haven’t been an easy woman to love, but you seemed like an impossible man to keep. I just never really believed you were really mine. You were always so much larger than life. I always felt like I wasn’t enough.”

“I’ll never give you a reason to worry about that, Dallas. You place too much importance on that stuff, and I never have. You forget how beautiful you are and how much I want you.” He lifted my chin. “The best I have ever felt in my life is when I lose myself in my love for you. No other woman can compare with that. And then there’s always the fact that I’m going to marry you.”

I smiled broadly. “Well, I mean, it is a consensual thing. You may want to ask first,” I said, lifting a brow.

“I can be very persuasive, baby.” He ground his hips into mine, his length hardening again. “Tell me what you want now, and let me give it to you.”

“Being a doctor wasn’t the only dream I’ve ever had.”

“I know.”

“It’s so simple, isn’t it? Just to be with you, be yours. How the hell did we screw this up so badly?”

“We fell in love at an age when I couldn't act on it. And then...we fell deeper in love at an age when we were only meant to cross paths. It wasn't really our fault. It was the workings of fate.”

“And now?”

He smiled broadly. “I made fate my enemy and took matters into my own hands.”

“Way to go, Martin.”

He stood up with us still connected and his pants at his ankles then awkwardly carried us up the stairs. I heard my phone vibrate in my purse and made him stop.

“Come on, it’s Christmas Eve,” he started to fuss, but I silenced him.

“Beatrice,” I reminded him. He quickly conceded, but refused to take himself out of me. I laughed as he made his way back down the steps, tightening his hold on me as he grabbed my purse and then made his way back up the stairs. I was laughing hysterically as he mummied his way to his room, victory in his face when we landed on the bed, and he thrust deep inside me. I relished in the feel of him as I heard my phone again.

I lifted it out of my purse to glance at it as he cupped my breast and lifted his eyebrow. I shook my head to discourage him. He reluctantly pulled out of me and I sat up quickly, noticing the number of missed calls.

“Oh God, I have ten missed calls from my mother!” I pressed redial and held my breath. My father was all I could think of.

Please, God, don’t let anything be wrong with my father.

“Dallas,” my mother sobbed into the phone.

“Mom,” I said, terrified as Dean leaned in and rubbed his hand down my back, straining to hear.

“Dallas, I’m at the hospital. You need to come right now.”

“Mom, what is it?”

“It’s Grant. Dallas, he’s been in a terrible accident.” Dread coursed through me, and though I knew the answer to the question, I had to ask. Before I could get the words out, she answered me.

“He’s gone.”

Dallas

Now

I don’t remember the trip to the hospital aside from the fact that Dean murmured words of comfort I wasn’t catching and never let go of my hand. I wanted to tell him that I am not the one who deserved consoling. I knew in the moment my mother told me Grant was gone that I had also just lost a large part of my sister. I held Dean’s hand tightly to me like a lifeline.

When we walked into the hospital lobby, my father greeted us, hugging us both tightly to him. He didn’t bother to hide the tears he was shedding. I saw my mother behind him and pulled from my father’s embrace and ran to her.

“She’s with him. She’s refusing to leave.” She walked quickly to a room, and I followed through the open door without hesitation. Rose was sitting calmly in the corner of an empty room, her hands folded in her lap. I quickly walked over kneeling in front of her. As I feared, the look in her eyes was distant. My little sister, normally so full of life, looked so small.

“They just took him away,” she said absently. “He was so beautiful. I’ve never seen a man so beautiful...have you?”

I shook my head no and waited. I had no idea what to say. I let my tears fall and waited for words that never came. She just fixated on the wall behind me. My mother made her presence known by placing her hand on my shoulder and I gripped it.

“Rose, baby, let’s go home,” she urged.

“But he’s here,” she said adamantly. “I don’t want to leave without him.”

Neither of us said a word as we waited on her. I prayed for the right words, all of them jumbling together in my mind and none of them being the right ones. I watched a wave of calm pass over her and knew it was false. I was just about to speak up when she spoke before me.

“Okay,” she said quickly standing and taking my mother and I both by surprise. “Let’s go.”

We quickly scrambled to her side, but she ripped her arms away. “I can walk!” I cried harder as she moved in front of us, walking past my father’s out stretched arms in the waiting room. When she got to the sliding doors, she stopped suddenly. We all watched as she paused her next step, bracing herself against the door. “No, no, no, no, NO! NO! NO! I can’t leave him here!”

My father ran to her just before she completely lost it and began to collapse. I buried my head in my hands with thoughts of his warm smile and kind eyes replaying over and over.

“I’ll be a good brother, I promise.”

The level of pain I felt in that moment for my sister and her loss had me sagging against Dean, who caught me quickly. I watched my sister fall apart as my father held her to him. He looked up at my mother, completely lost as she looked on, crying right along with her. Paul walked in moments later, seeing the scene unfolding and quickly gripping them both in his embrace, helping to support them as they slowly walked out the doors. We rode back in silence to my parent’s house and sat in the living room as Rose buried her head into my father’s chest and cried silently for hours. My mother gave her a low-grade sedative and when we finally got her asleep, we all hugged tightly and wordlessly and made our way to our bedrooms. I turned to Dean.

“I’m not leaving her. Please call the hospital, also please have Nichols check on Beatrice. You can go home.”

“I’m not leaving. I’ll handle it, but I’m not leaving.”

“It’s Christmas, Dean. Your mother—”

“I’m not leaving. I’ll see her tomorrow.”

“Okay, take the guest room.” He nodded quickly and pulled me into his arms. “I’m here, for whatever you need.”

“It’s whatever she needs,” I corrected as he nodded in agreement. “I love you, Dean.” I pulled him to me and kissed him hard, pulling away only when I was forced to take a breath. He seemed to understand my urgency, kissed me deeply, and then let go to make his way to the guest room. “I’m not going anywhere,” he assured me as he gave me one last soft kiss.

“Never, I won’t let you,” I said as I grabbed his hand, pulled him back to me, and wrapped my arms around him. We stood in the hall for several more minutes until my eyes fell heavy and we parted reluctantly.

I slipped into bed with Rose, noting the pain written across her features even while she slept. I studied her beautiful face and cried silently, lying next to her, replaying the brief time I had seen my sister happier than she had ever been. Her life had been ripped away one week before her wedding. Grant had been struck and crushed by a driver who had fallen asleep behind the wheel and was killed on impact. I couldn’t imagine the gentle giant who I’d spent only a few stolen precious moments with a few short weeks ago not being anything but indestructible. And yet here I lay, staring at the beautiful woman who was supposed to become his wife in only a few short days and she would never know another day with him.

I found the world a cruel, unforgivable place in that moment as I prayed for my sister and the gentle giant who had left his young bride behind.

The next few days I kept busy by calling the vendors and cancelling the wedding arrangements. I called the guest list, informing them of Grant’s passing and the time of his service. It was by far the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Rose only made one decision, asking that Grant be cremated. She did not say a word and simply sat on the couch as we stayed within arm’s reach, taking turns to sneak off and take care of what had to be done. My mother and I took turns simply sitting by her side as she stared across the room, fixated on nothing. I found her a few times in the garden doing much of the same. She hardly spoke and refused to eat. Paul stayed home several days trying to engage her, but she refused to entertain him anything at all. He kept his patience with Rose but eventually broke down in private with my mother terrified for his sister and thinking the same thing that we all were, that we had lost Rose as well.

The day of what was supposed to be their wedding I woke up and Rose was gone. She hadn’t left word of where she was going and we all quickly scrambled to try and find her. I spent hours driving around aimlessly calling her cell phone with no answer, cursing my stupidity for letting her out of my sight. When an idea finally occurred to me, I quickly called my father.

“Grants land, Dad. The house, where is it?”

“Of course, damn it. Why didn’t I think of that, I’m on my way,” he said quickly.

“No, Dad, I’ve got this, okay, text me the address.”

He hesitantly agreed and thirty minutes later, I was pulling in to a country girl’s dream. I took in the overabundance of empty acres, noting the vast amount of pasture complimented by the beautiful backdrop of the trees that surrounded it. Though it was the dead of winter, I could see the appeal and my heart sank a little further at the loss of what this land was supposed to represent: their beginning.

After driving several minutes, I started to fear I was wrong about my hunch when I noticed a large pond in the distance. I sped up moments later when I spotted Rose’s SUV under a low hanging tree surrounded by the framing of what was to be their dream home.

I spotted Rose, jumped out of my truck, and shivered against the cold wind as I looked at my baby sister in horror. She was standing in her wedding dress, yelling and cursing, fury written all over her posture. I saw her rear back and throw something at the framing of the house then rushed her way.

“Rose?” I questioned as she ignored me, continuing her rant.

“You don’t love me! If you loved me, you wouldn’t have taken him from me! Grant!” The pure agony in her voice sent me right over the edge with her. Our sobs matched as I watched my baby sister scream at the heavens. “Grant!” she called desperately, her hoarse voice begging for a reply.

She was hysterical and seemed to be yelling at...God.

She had a six-pack in her hand and was draining the contents of a new bottle. When she finished, she threw it with everything she had, aiming for the tree. It shattered in to pieces as she grabbed another bottle, crying, heaving, and screaming with rage.

“Four months! I only had him four months and you knew! You knew you were taking him away! How could you do this to me?!” Another bottle crashed against the framing, and I stood there watching her unravel. Her wedding dress perfectly fitted to her tiny frame. She had even taken the time to fix her hair the way she had practiced and had several sprays of baby’s breath tucked in. She looked absolutely beautiful and completely broken. I waited patiently for her to acknowledge me, but she was waging war and I was going to let her have it.

“Grant!” she cried, throwing another bottle with so much force she fell to her knees as it smashed against the wood. I rushed to her then, hitting my knees and throwing my arms around her.

She clutched my arms as I held her, the rawness in her voice tearing me apart. “Oh, my God! Dallas, oh, my God! Why, why, why did this happen? How am I supposed to do this? I can’t do this, Dallas! I’m over. My life is over! I can’t do this! I can’t live through this!” I nodded as I held her tightly to me.

“I’m here. I’m never leaving, you hear me? I’ll be here,” I promised.

“No you won’t!” she said, trying to pull away, but I refused it, gripping her tighter. “He was my every day, Dallas. He was my life. You can’t be him and he’s gone! Grant!” She crumbled against me as I held her tighter, feeling the painful waves rolling off of her. “Oh God, oh God, oh no! Noooo!” she sobbed as I refused to let her out of my embrace.

Minutes later, she curled up with her head in my lap as I stroked her hair. It was freezing outside and her skin was quickly becoming pink with each minute that passed. I threw my jacket over her as she cried. “One week and forever,” she whispered. “You said one week and forever.”

She hiccupped in my lap, allowing me to caress her hair away from her soaked cheeks.

“It’s beautiful out here,” I said quietly when she had drained the last of her tears. She readjusted herself on my lap as I ran my hand down her back, trying to think of anything I could say.

“I’ll never love anyone again, not this way.”

“I want to say it will get better, but I have no idea.”

I couldn’t offer her any more than the truth and I refused to use rehearsed words of comfort. They were useless. My sister had suffered the loss of her life and I wasn’t about to let her know I thought differently.

“Dallas, why are we here?”

“You mean meaning of life and all that crap?” I said, taking in her serious tone.

“Yeah, why? Tell me what you think, D,” she sniffed as she stared blankly in front of her.

“I don’t know...I think this is just all a random mess, a crapshoot of possibilities, good and bad. I think God put us here to live and we do just that. I think the world is full of fucked up people who will both love you and hurt you and then we have more thrown against us with disaster, disease, and everything in between.”

“Like freak accidents.”

“Yeah, those, too.”

“So why even bother to care about it? About anything or anyone if it all goes away?” Rose asked, her lip trembling.

I shrugged. “It’s our nature. Nothing we can do.”

“I can.”

“Rose, you are too much of a softy to turn hard now. Don’t let his death make you bitter toward everything. Use it.”

“I am sure you have no idea what you are saying.” She sniffed again.

“I don’t...I am just as lost as you.”

“I keep asking God why, Dallas, and he won’t answer me. Do you think he even listens?”

“He did a shitty thing to you, Rose. He’s probably giving you some time.”

“Why do you believe in him? In God?”

“Some of it’s fear, replaced often with awe of the things I see. He cured Lance Carson.”

“I thought that was a lost cause.”

“That’s my point.” I pulled the jacket over her, trying to keep her warm, the cold seeping into us from the ground beneath. The day was appropriately dreary and overcast. I couldn’t think of a more fitting scene. I could tell the house would have been amazing by the layout. The heartbreak from that sight alone was enough to make my tears resume.

“Dallas, if this is it, I’m not happy.”

“Time, Rose. Maybe one day it will all make sense.”

“I doubt it.”

We sat in silence as she started to cry softly again. I stroked her hair and spoke my next words in a whisper.

“I love you, little sister. It’s all going to be okay. Well, that’s bullshit. I know that’s bullshit. But we will smile and laugh again one day, I promise.”

“Good enough. I would do anything for a good laugh.”

“You will.”

I took a long look at the tree and saw Grant had carved their names in it with their wedding date today. It was all I could do to keep from openly sobbing. I looked down at my sister and pulled her tightly to me, completely helpless.

“Dallas, let’s do something...better. I am sure we can start a practice, but let’s do something, something else. I don’t want to be just another surgeon and you can do better than runny noses and broken bones.”

“Rose, don’t worry about the practice.”

“It’s all I have left.” She turned her head to look up at me, her glossy eyes intent on my reaction. I indulged her.

“What are you thinking?”

She looked back toward the still water of the pond. “I don’t know, but it’s just not good enough anymore. I know you went into oncology.”

“Rose, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you,” I offered quickly.

Her body moved lightly with her chuckle. “Grant really did try to keep it from me.”

“I didn’t have a fighting chance with you two,” I said, smiling.

“Not at all,” she agreed. “Honestly, he was excited about it. We can do better, Dallas...than what we had planned.”

“I agree, just let me think on it, Rose.”

Another few minutes of silence.

“He really loved me.”

“I know.” I sniffed, no longer able to hide the fact that I was crying.

“He loved you, too,” she said, pulling away from my lap to sit beside me, her arms stretched behind her.

“He was awesome,” I said wiping my face quickly, unable to hold back my compliment. “You look so beautiful,” I remarked. Her dress was ruined from the knees down but I couldn’t help but notice how perfect she looked in white silk covered in soft lace. “He would have loved that dress.”

She simply nodded and stood up. “Are you going to marry Dean?”

I stood shocked at her words and this time she faced me fully for an answer to her question. I said nothing as she studied me. “Take a lesson, big sister. You have no idea how much time you have left.”

Dallas

Now

Three days later, we had a small ceremony celebrating Grant’s life on his land. Rose scattered his ashes underneath their tree. I learned later that night from Rose that Grant had taken her to the land for a picnic on their first date. She spent hours telling me about their time together, reliving the past four months of her life. We laughed and cried until we fell asleep and woke up only when our mom came in to join us. She said nothing as she pulled back the covers and pulled us to her, wrapping us up tightly in her embrace as we drifted back off.

Against protest from my mother, my father, and me, Rose went back to school the next week. In a way, I understood it and so did my parents, but we still feared for her daily.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, she was right. I could not be her every day. I would just have to settle for being what I could and as far as I was concerned, it would never be enough.

“How is she?” Dean asked as I hung up the phone with her.

“The same. She’s trying so hard, Dean. I just don’t know how to help her. He pulled the phone out of my hand, setting it down on the nightstand and undressed me. It had been three weeks since Grant’s death and I still felt completely useless when it came to helping her cope.

“Lie down,” he said, gently pushing my shoulders until I was beneath him.

“I feel so guilty,” I said, looking up into his beautiful, crystal blue eyes, realizing just how much I had missed him. For the first time in weeks, I instantly felt connected. Our newly rekindled relationship had taken a back seat to my need to stay consistently there for Rose.

“What do you feel guilty for?” he asked, cradling my face in his hands.

“Everything, Grant’s gone and we still have each other. I feel guilty for being happy with you.”

“I understand that. But we do deserve a little happiness. I think we’ve earned it, don’t you?” I nodded with a smile. “We will take care of her. We will be there,” he assured me. I kept my eyes locked on his and he smiled when he recognized my focus was now fully on him.

“Hi,” he whispered as he took my lips into a slow kiss.

“Hi,” I whispered back.

“I’ve missed you,” he said, trailing his kiss up my cheek.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said sweetly, tenderness running fluid in his eyes. “I’m just so sorry that it happened.”

I ran my hands over his chest and sighed. “You have been incredible. Thank you for taking care of us.”

“Always...Can I touch you?”

“You don’t even have to ask.” He took my lips gently and made love to me slowly. When we had both let go and were tangled in the sheets an hour later, I crossed my hands on his chest and put my chin on them.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked, running his fingers through my hair.

“I don’t want to waste any more time.”

He stopped his hand, cupped the back of my head and leaned in with his reply. “Agreed, you will hear no complaints from me.”

“I love you.”

“You should. I’m awesome.” We both chuckled as I rolled my eyes.

“Watch it, vag man. There is a neurosurgeon who has been asking me out for years.”

He lifted a brow as his lips turned up with a sexy smirk. “Oh, Dallas,” he murmured, running his hand up my thigh, making me gasp as his skilled fingers reached my sex. “Always trying to bring out the angry Spaniard in me. When will you learn?”

My answering grin told him not to hold his breath.

“Ms. Dallas, I’m tired.” I looked at Beatrice, now a withering shell of the woman I once knew. Her hair was wrapped in a beautiful yellow silk scarf and she had on a matching robe. Her typically beautiful caramel skin looked painfully dry and I couldn’t help but cringe at what looked to be the painful bruising on her arms from needles.

“You know I won’t give up on you,” I said, reviewing her labs on my tablet, trying my best not to let the slow burn of defeat show on my features. We were losing and we both knew it.

“I want to eat a good meal without tossing it up.” She had lost an enormous amount of weight in the three months we had been battling her condition. She was no longer the vivacious curvy woman I had fallen in love with two years ago when I started my residency. The sickness had taken its toll on her and it was a hard pill to swallow.

“You’re whining,” I scorned, rounding her bed and bringing her another pillow from my abundant collection at home. We had done everything I could possibly think of, but I couldn’t save her. She was running out of time, and I didn’t want to put her through more. I’d decided this morning before coming in to make the time she had left enjoyable and much less painful, but seeing her in the hospital bed today withering away had somehow renewed the fight in me. I didn’t want to lose her.

“You can’t fix me, Ms. Dallas. It’s time.” She pulled my tablet out of my hands as I pulled it up to resume my needless search. I instantly felt bared without it to hide behind.

“I wasn’t going to put you through any more,” I said shakily. I quickly spoke up, masking my failing confidence. “I can bring in Nichols, get a fresh set of eyes. There are things we can still do.”

“Dallas,” she said softly.

“Damn it,” I said avoiding her soft look. “Don’t console me, Beatrice. I’m not the one in bed dying.”

“Can’t help it, baby.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, finally meeting her eyes.

“Dallas, you did enough. You did everything you could.”

I nodded, pressing my lips into a thin line as I tried to hide my devastation.

“You are going to be just fine,” she said, as if reading my mind. I grabbed her hand. I had no idea how I was going to live without her. She had become a staple to my routine, an important part of my everyday life, and even as she lay there dying, I was selfishly concerned about how I would deal with the loss of her.

“How am I supposed to do this without you? Who is going to keep me in line?”

She pulled up the quilt my mother had just stitched for her then shook her head. “I’m glad you’ll miss me. I want you to miss me. It means I’ve done something right, but I don’t want you to take it so hard you blame yourself.”

I let a small sob escape and cupped my hand to my mouth as she went on.

“I know you’re afraid to show that heart of yours, Dallas. And I know they give you a hard time about showing your emotions with patients, but I think they might be wrong.”

I gave her an inquisitive look.

“Let that big heart of yours show, Dallas. Don’t be afraid to show it to your patients. It’s when you shine the most. Let them see how much you care, how disappointed you are when things are bad, and how excited you are when things go well.”

“Why would I do that?”

“It made me feel like I wasn’t so alone,” she said, honestly. “I think there’s something to be said about the human side of doctoring. I know if I had a choice between someone like Nichols and you, I would choose you every time.”

“I don’t think the board would agree,” I said, trying my best not to let the rip growing inside me reach the outside. “Besides, you are slightly biased.”

“So what, make your own rules, open your own hospital. The world needs more doctors like you, Dallas.”

Dread raced through me when I thought about the weeks ahead and the pain she would have to endure. I would do everything in my power to make her comfortable.

“Beatrice, is there anyone I can call?” I asked, terrified. She hadn’t had one visitor since she had been admitted.

“When I lost Roy, I kind of forgot about the world around me. This hospital became my whole life. I don’t regret it. I loved being a nurse, every single minute of it. I never married again by choice. I had a couple of chances. I lived my way. I did the things I wanted. I’m fine with it all, Dallas.”

After an hour or so of going over some details—mostly the argument that I was now the reluctant owner of one Morris Chesnutt, her cat—I stood to leave her alone with her thoughts and walked to the door. I looked back at her and the wave of pain took me under as I flew into her waiting arms, wailing my cries and soaking her robe.

“Now calm down, this is not what I meant by showing more of your emotions. Dear Lord, looks like I won’t be the only black lady at my funeral. Please girl, don’t throw yourself over my casket and make a damn fool out of yourself.” I laughed hysterically as I pulled away from her, sniffling.

“Are you scared?” I asked, guarded.

“No, fear isn’t nothin’ but a huge rock that will hold you down if you give it the power too. Nothing good has ever come out of being afraid. No, I’m not going out that way. I believe in the good Lord. I know where I’m going. I’m okay with it, Dallas.”

“I never will be. And I’m going to give my next nurse hell,” I said spitefully. She gave me a knowing smile. “You are more than that to me, you know.”

“I’m pretty sure I do,” she said, sinking down in her bed, making herself more comfortable. “Now do me a favor and go get handled by that gorgeous boyfriend of yours. Lord knows he wouldn’t give me my one wish.”

“Hands off you old bag!” I teased playfully.

“I’m not making any promises, especially now that I may get away with more.” I walked out the door and poked my head back in as she closed her eyes.

“I love you, Beatrice.” The slow warm smile that spread over her face let me know she heard me.

Dallas

Now

I roamed the halls of the hospital with a heavy heart thinking about the inevitable exit of my dear friend and how much it would hurt when I finally lost her. I decided to stop in to check on Ollie and found him pacing in his room.

“What are you doing?” I asked with my arms folded over my chest. He looked up at me, fear clear in his features.

“Waiting on a text,” he said, holding up his phone.

“You can do that in bed! You know your counts are off!” He had just received a round of targeted therapy and was at high risk for complications. I saw a tray full of untouched lunch and shook my head. “You didn’t eat anything. You know you could get sick any minute and you need this calorie intake. What are you thinking, Ollie?”

“I’m not,” he huffed out exasperated. “It’s been two hours!”

“Ollie, get back in bed.” I ushered him, pulling his tray in front of him when he finally relented and climbed back into the confines of the bed. “And what’s been two hours?” I prodded, bringing the fitted sheet over his legs. He quickly threw it off of him and jumped up, resuming his pacing.

“You are going to make yourself sick.”

“I’ll deal with it,” he shot back completely distracted.

“What is it, Ollie?” I asked as I stilled him and walked him back to the bed. This time he stayed put as I draped him in the sheet and held up his untouched sandwich to him. He pushed it away as I groaned out in frustration.

“What is it, Ollie?”

“Anna, leukemia, she’s fourteen, beautiful and probably the only girl in the world who can read my mind. I asked her out two hours ago by text and she hasn’t answered me!”

I smiled at him as I pushed him back down in the bed. He looked up at me with clear distaste.

“Don’t look at me like that. This isn’t some stupid little boy crush.”

“Okay,” I said as I watched him glance at his phone.

“Seriously, I’m going to have to break our appointment for a future kiss.” He ran his hands through his hair and checked his messages again before blowing out a huge puff of air. “She’s not answering. She’s not interested, and now I’m stuck with this,” he said, pressing his hand against his chest. “God, why did this have to happen right now? When I’m too weak to do anything about it!”

“If she’s a smart girl, she’ll come around,” I said, hoping I sounded encouraging. Ollie wasn’t buying it.

“Don’t do that. Be real. Help me and tell me what to do.”

“Nothing you can do if she doesn’t return the same feelings,” I said. “Honestly, if the feeling is mutual it doesn’t take much more than that.”

“I’m sure of it. I saw the way she looked at me.”

“Okay, so why are you pacing the floor and driving yourself insane?” I chuckled.

“Dean says to play it cool, but I don’t know how long I can hold out. This girl...this girl drives me crazy. I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“When did you talk to Dean?” I smiled at the thought of the two talking about girl problems. It warmed my heart to know he cared.

“He’s come by once or twice a week every time I’ve been admitted,” he said, matter of fact, as if I should have known better. I sat stunned as my chest expanded with love and admiration for my man. He had remained in touch with Ollie and decided not to tell me about his visits. He wasn’t doing it for my benefit, or because he knew how I felt about Ollie, but because he enjoyed Ollie’s company.

Dean Martin. Sigh.

After close to an hour of consoling a near desperate Ollie, I left his room only to see a tiny blonde, very close to the description he had given me, lightly rap on his door.

“Play it cool, Ollie,” I whispered under my breath as she went in. I wondered if they knew how easily a few minutes of time together at such a young age could change everything.

Of course they didn’t.

That was one of the best things about life. It was completely unpredictable, and love was even more so. I couldn’t help but recall how just one look at Dean Martin in my high school hall had so much bearing on my future. It seemed Ollie had been taken by Anna the same way.

I prayed right then with everything in me that Ollie would live to experience the amazing gift that came with immersing yourself in that type of love. That he would get the chance to experience that with someone worthy of him, and that maybe he wouldn’t have such a hard time recognizing and holding on to it as Dean and I had.

Then again, how could you recognize the importance of that type of love if you have never lost it? I was instantly filled with gratitude for every tear I had shed over Dean Martin, every hour of waiting. In that moment, I felt justified for every single growing pain I had endured in loving him.

With a renewed sense of hope, I found myself on his floor in the hopes of a few stolen moments

I knocked lightly on his office door and opened it. He was leaning over his desk next to a beautiful brunette. They shared a collective smile as they looked up at me.

Helena.

I knew it was her instantly. Dean’s smile slowly disappeared as he studied my rapidly paling face. My blood was boiling. A possessiveness toward the man I loved and my future came rushing to the surface. He had never ever given me a reason to believe he would be unfaithful. Still my urge to protect my new and hard-earned happiness forced me to confront my fear head on.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked crossly. They weren’t far apart, and though Dean seemed oblivious, her posture was intimate. I narrowed my eyes.

“What business is it of yours?” the brunette said, her perfectly painted lips pursed. She was absolutely stunning and an even bigger surge of jealously struck me at the realization.

“Because I fucking love the man standing next to you and I want to know,” I said honestly, no longer willing to let time, misunderstanding, or anything else come between us. I stood there, shaking my knees weak, feeling completely vulnerable and like the jealous fool I was being.

“Nothing is going on, Dallas,” she said with a sad smile. “I was just leaving. Thank you for the check, Dean.” She brushed past me with a sarcastic filled, “Good Luck.” I took in a breath and let a single tear run down my cheek.

Dean seemed alarmed with our exchange, but quickly ushered her to the door, giving her a warm smile as she left. She leaned in to him for a hug, which he rebuffed, keeping his eyes trained on me.

He shut the door, pausing briefly before turning around to eye me. “That was uncalled for, don’t you think?” He took a seat in his chair behind his desk.

I made absolutely no attempt to stop myself. I climbed into his lap and brought my lips to his, still tearful. “What is it, Dallas? Why would you react that way? Helena is not a threat to you.”

“What was she doing here?”

“We sold our place in New York and had to sign the papers and split the funds. I didn’t realize she would come in person,” he said.

“She’s still in love with you.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not going to apologize for hating her,” I said, pulling him closer.

“Talk to me,” he said, nuzzling my neck.

“I’m still a bit insecure when it comes to you, Dean, and I need you to fuck it out of me right now, once and for all.”

“Ah, I see.” He lifted me off his lap, standing me up in front of him then pressed the phone to reach his service. “Reschedule my one o’clock—” he looked at me and grinned “—and my two o’clock.” I stood there trembling, still full of adrenaline from the fear of the last few minutes.

“Dally,” he scolded, sliding my blouse over my head, “I’ve proved my love over and over again.” He said taking my lips in a suggestive kiss before backing away.

“I know, Dean. You don’t think I know how ridiculous I’m being? Trust me, I know how pathetic it is,” I said, watching him trail kisses along my bra seam and licking his way across my chest. “I just can’t wait until you start balding, or grow hair in strange places so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.” He paused on my chest and burst out laughing as I joined him, half-naked on his desk.

“I was a free man for minutes when you burst in here demanding sex,” he said, unbuttoning my slacks. “So I guess I’m still a hot commodity.” I pulled away from him as he unclasped my bra with a grin. “No you were not a free man and that’s not funny. If you hadn’t been such a damned whore since I met you this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Hmm, you’re a sexy woman when you get jealous,” he said wrapping his lips around my now free nipple and tonguing and biting gently. I tilted my head back as he pulled my slacks down, leaving me in my panties. “Fuck this is hot. You naked on my desk is going to ruin the rest of my consults. I won’t be able to think of anything else.”

He put one foot on each one of the armrests on his chair and he looked up at me with fire in his eyes. I moaned as he brought his hands up, massaging my legs on either side and stopped short of my sex. My breathing escalated as he said nothing. It was a thing I had discovered in my time with Dean. The more turned on he got the quieter he got and the more clipped orders he gave. I loved it and it let me know right now I had all of his attention. He spread my legs as he dipped in, leaving a hot trail over the tip of my thin panties with his tongue. I reached for his hair and he caught my wrists, refusing to let me touch him as his tongue glided up and down my covered slit, driving my moans.

Still gripping my wrists, he brought them up to each side of my head then clasped my hands above me, sitting back down again, taking my underwear with him so I was exposed in front of him.

He leaned in, licking and sucking me until I was close to the edge. I caught his eyes on me as he plunged his tongue inside. I gasped out his name and saw his devilish grin. I loved that grin. I was in for it. He flipped me on his desk and laid me flat as he spread and licked me from top to bottom. I gripped the edge of his desk as his fingers and tongue plunged into me and he slipped his pinky in my puckered, untouched entrance. I screamed out for the entire floor as I came hard in his mouth. He moaned as I bucked and rode his tongue. I loved the sound of his moan because it meant he was losing control. When he’d had his fill, he moved around his desk quickly as I lay there spread and spent.

“Open, baby.” I heard the zip and looked up as I licked my lips. He cupped my head thrusting himself in my mouth. I moaned again instantly, ready to return his favor. I cupped his sac and looked into his eyes as he shut them briefly, moving in and out my mouth. He reached out massaging my back with his open hands bringing them up to stroke my face sweetly as I sucked and licked and drew another moan from him.

“Stop,” he said pulling himself from me. My sex was drenched as he took himself in his hand and stroked a few times. I got on all fours and waited as he watched me.

“Right here,” he said tapping the edge of his desk. I brought my entrance to him as he had asked. He hooked my legs over his shoulders and I waited on him, knowing better than to beg. It had never worked. He licked his thumb, massaging my puckered backside as my eyes widened and he thrust into me with both his thumb and his length. I was blinded by ecstasy as he pounded into me. I watched his muscles flex as he moved his hips, mouth parted.

He slowed his pace as he hit my spot repeatedly once, then twice, pulling himself all the way out and then sliding in full thrust to hit it again.

He worked me over completely, and when he decided I’d had enough, his eyes and voice commanded me. “Come, Dallas.” I clinched when he rubbed my G-spot repeatedly then screamed out in surprised as his finger plunged deep inside that forbidden place. I was suddenly gripped with a completely different orgasm. Dean came with me and I heard his praises as my body ripped into another wave. I lay there with my mind completely blown and my eyes wide.

“What in the hell was that, Dean?” He scooped me into his arms and sat us on the couch in his office, both of us completely wasted on each other. He took my mouth into a deep kiss and I thrust my hands into his hair, letting him explore me until he had his fill.

“That was me fucking away the past, Dallas. Now I’m going to make love to my future.” He took my mouth gently, easing me beneath him. “I love you, Dally.”

As far as I could tell, my future looked bright and my vagina would be speaking in tongues.

****

“Dean! I can’t find my necklace!” I raced into the bedroom. “I am positive I put it on the bathroom counter last night. I can’t find it!” I said in a panic. He remained in bed, having come in late last night from a delivery.

“Do you have to yell? It was a full moon last night. I delivered three babies!” He protested with a groan throwing a pillow over his face.

“Dean,” my voice shook. “Oh, God, what if it fell in the sink!” I quickly made my way to my kitchen, grabbing my toolbox and ran back to the bathroom. I took the wrench out and the damn thing hit the floor with its weight. I lifted the twenty-pound tool as I maneuvered myself under the sink and quickly started cursing when the capping would not move.

“Babe, I’m freaking out here. Please come and help me.”

I saw Dean’s pajama clad legs first as he squatted under the cabinet to peer at me with a smile. God, he was gorgeous. Would I ever get used to it?

“What the hell are you doing?” He chuckled.

“My necklace! Weren’t you listening to me! I can’t lose...I love it. He opened his hand to reveal my necklace dangling from his fingers.

“You shit! You had it! God!” I dropped the wrench, shimmying out of the cabinet, then stood glaring at him. He closed his hand quickly then walked out of the bathroom just as I reached for it.

“Give it to me. I need to get going. That wasn’t fun—”

I paused when he turned back to me quickly and hit his knee. “I’m going to give you a choice.” I took in his appearance, noting his sexy, sleepy, dazzling smile, beautifully sculpted bare chest and disheveled hair. The look on his face was filled with awe and love just for me. He reached over to the bed and pulled the box from underneath my pillow. He scrunched his nose at me, knowing I realized I had screwed up his surprise proposal.

Of course, it was under the pillow.

“I had back up,” he winked. My heart exploded as he grabbed my hand. “You were never supposed to have that damned necklace this long. It was a promise for something more.” He opened the box, but I didn’t bother looking at the ring. I was way too interested in the man that was watching me, eager for words I had waited years to hear, filled with all the love my heart could hold.

“I’ve waited a very long time to ask you this question and since we both agreed not to waste any more time I thought I would go ahead and ask. I’ll never again make you a promise I won’t keep. I love you, Dallas. Gift me the other half of my heart. Marry me, be my wife?”

I nodded quickly, throwing my arms around him, unable to utter a single word as I cried into his chest. He picked me up, carrying me to the bed, cradling my head in his palm, looking down at me as he set the open box on my chest and my eyes wandered to it. It was absolutely perfect. He removed the ring as I raised my finger and he slipped it on.

“It’s about time,” I croaked, my face soaked with tears of joy.

“Sorry I’m late,” he whispered as he cradled my face above me.

“Way to go, Martin,” I murmured as his lips came down to meet mine.

We laid Beatrice to rest a month later in a quiet cemetery on the outskirts of Dallas. She left her geriatric cat to me, and though I was reluctant at first, we managed to get along well. Minutes after Beatrice passed, a tornado touched down in downtown Dallas, heading right toward the hospital. The irony was not lost on me when I was completely unafraid of the raging cloud. The storm that had terrified me in my dreams had actually managed to bring an eerie calm on a day when I should have been anything but. It became clear to me in those few minutes when the large cloud raged its fury over us that what I feared most was the loss of control, and that some deep seated need in me craved to reign over things I had absolutely no power over. I couldn’t change the past or the mistakes I had made, and I damn sure had no ability to predict the future. And no matter how hard I tried, I would never stop the storms from coming. Letting go of that illusion of control had freed me in those moments and I was never going back.

You live, you love, you lose. You fall down, and you get back up.

That was living. And if you can manage to weather the storm, you came out that much stronger and more capable of handling the next one.

No one lost their life that day and the hospital suffered minimum damage. Somehow, I knew that Beatrice’s passing had everything to do with that tornado. It was if she was telling me not to be afraid.

I got her message loud and clear.

I married the love of my life in a small ceremony in his mother’s garden. He looked on at me as I said my vows, his posture rattling with what I knew was pride and excitement. His eyes glittered as his love overflowed. And even though he had his own vows to recite, I felt his promise to me before he ever uttered a single word. When we were finally married and he kissed me deeply to seal our fate, he raised our hands together and shook them in victory as our guests laughed. My husband was an amazing sight in his perfectly manicured tux and flawless hair, but what was most breathtaking was the way he regarded me. In those moments between I do and I do, I became keenly aware of what I truly meant to him, and it was then I knew in our relationship we both thought we loved each other more than the other.

My mother had always told my sister and I when we found love to give it everything we had. That no matter the outcome, the result of handing yourself over to love would be that you had truly lived through the act of loving alone. She said the best part of falling in love was the fall itself. She added that the feeling can’t be matched or replace but only remembered of the biggest highlights of a person’s life. I never truly understood her words...until today.

There is a saying that goes “Marriage requires falling in love many times with the same person.”

As my husband took my hand to lead me to the dance floor and I gazed into his beautiful blue eyes, I knew we would have unseen storms to go through and times we may be uncertain about the future, but what I was absolutely sure of is that I would always look forward to the fall.

Dallas

Two and a half years later

I walked into my parent’s house with my two screaming children and as soon as I saw an adult in my line of sight capable of taking the noise away, I handed them over. In this instance, the adult waiting was Rose who met my eyes with a small amount of sympathy and a large amount of amusement.

“Never, ever have sex again,” I warned, absolutely exhausted as she took thirteen month Annabelle from my arms, who was still protesting in her most authoritative voice that she wanted the purple yogurt that I had given Grant.

“This is over yogurt?” Rose asked, kissing Annabelle’s plump cheek and soothing her back with her hands. She eyed Grant, all of twenty-two months, who stood by my side, arms crossed and shaking his head like a disapproving adult.

“That happened this morning. They are tired. Please make them disappear,” I said, waving my hand in dismissal. I needed a few minutes to regain my senses long enough to be the mother they needed. I climbed upstairs at a slow crawl my mother at the top of the stairs, a knowing smile on her lips, completely happy over my misery.

“Dallas, how are you?” she asked, chuckling as I pulled myself up at an agonizing pace.

“How in the hell did you do it, Mom? How? My God, I haven’t bathed alone in years!”

“God made them cute so you won’t kill them.” She chuckled again, wrapping me in her arms as I hit the top of the stairs.

“I just want a bath with no interruption, is that too much to ask?” I said very close to selfish tears.

“Paul and Hillary are bringing over the twins. We can make a night of it. Towels in the closet, candles too, and there is some really awesome tonic in my bathroom. Go there. Go on, baby. I can handle this.”

“Mom, I’m sorry for everything I have ever done,” I said, hugging her tight.

“Go on, Dallas, that bath will change your life.” She eyed me proudly as she brushed my hair behind my shoulders.

I almost skipped down the hall with renewed energy as I grabbed a fresh towel and some candles and made my way into the quiet of the bathroom. I undressed quickly and turned the water on as hot as my skin could stand it. I poured a small amount of my mother’s tonic into the water instantly smelling the citrus and breathing in deeply. I lit two candles and stood in front of the mirror studying my body. I had fared well with the birth of Grant seven short months after my wedding but had suffered horribly at the hands of Annabelle. There were faint but large stretch marks etched over the top of my stomach. Dean had told me time and time again that he loved them and thought they were beautiful.

Idiot.

I picked up my phone to call him as I stepped into the tub, getting him on the second ring.

“Hey, wife,” he said sweetly, instantly making me long for him.

“How long will you be?” I asked letting out a moan as my body hit the scalding water.

I heard a chuckle and then, “What the hell are you up to?”

“Me?” I replied coyly. “I’m just soaking in a hot tub surrounded by candles.”

A throaty moan accompanied his next question. “Hmmm, is there room for me?”

“Absolutely not, I don’t want to be anywhere near you or your impregnating penis,” I teased.

“That bad today?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

I loved my children with everything in me and so did Dean, but the truth was they were hellions.

“Look...stay far away from here. I love you enough to tell you to run. Run for your life! Go have an adult beverage with a friend...or better yet, have an entire dinner where you aren’t interrupted, then go home and watch an hour of adult programming. Live for the both of us!”

More laughter then a quick, “No, it was partially my penis that got us into this mess. I’ll be there soon.”

“If you insist, but the girl child has grown up a year since this morning. I love you.”

I hung up then folded a hand towel in thirds, making a pillow for my head, when a soft knock at the door interrupted me, just a mere thirty seconds after I had found my Zen.

“No one is in here,” I barked loudly.

“Dallas, I need to talk to you.” Rose, of course it was Rose.

“I love you, sis, but you will be hit with anything I can find if you enter this room.”

The door opened and I grabbed a handful of my mother’s mini soaps, assaulting my sister with them.

“Stop it. Damn it, I need you!” she said, swatting away my flying weapons.

“Everybody needs me. I need a bath without interruptions, you selfish hag!”

“Fine,” Rose said pouting, slowly backing away giving me just enough time to change my mind. I wasn’t about to give in.

No way!

Damn it!

“What is it, Rosie?”

“Stop calling me that!” She walked over and put the toilet seat down, making herself at home. I sighed, peeking around the curtain to get a look at her.

“Spill it,” I demanded with a sigh.

“I...I...”

“I...I...what? My water is getting cold,” I whined.

“I slept with Jack,” she said, peering around at me, catching my reaction.

“Well, hell yes, sister. It’s about time! But I can’t say that’s a big shocker, Rose. Is that all?”

“He wants to start something with me.” She sighed heavily before she continued. “I know Grant’s gone and I have to move on, but Jack scares the hell out of me.”

I was overjoyed at the thought. It had been long enough, but I approached the subject with caution.

“Why does he scare you?”

“I don’t know. He’s amazing, he really is. If I hadn’t...I just can’t get over the thought I’m doing something wrong.”

“Rose, moving on doesn’t mean you didn’t love Grant.”

“You have to do better than that,” she said in a whisper.

“Okay, how about this...Whatever you think you are doing wrong, you put in that head of yours. You put that barrier there and you are going to have to break it on your own.” I leaned back, hopeful that my little bout of tough love would do her some good. I had tried everything to get her to start dating again a year ago. At least this was progress.

“I just hate feeling like this. I know Grant would be pissed at me for taking mourning him this far. I don’t have a life. He wanted me to have a life, a family,” she admitted. I could hear the desperation in her voice and it ate at me.

“He wanted you to be happy and that included giving you your own dream of having a family.”

“Yeah,” she said, standing to walk out in an effort to flee the conversation.

“Sit down,” I said forcefully. This was the most she had bothered to talk to me openly about moving on in months. I wasn’t about to let her go back to the dark place she lived in when she wasn’t at the clinic.

“You have so much left to give, Rose, and you’ve buried it. It’s time to get back on the horse. I know what happened crushed you. I don’t blame you for going inside and staying there, but you clearly want to come back out. If Jack’s the one who gets you to do it, great, if he’s not, at least open yourself to the possibility.”

“I don’t think I’m ready,” she said dismissively.

“Then wait until you are, but at least you took that first step,” I said, giving up on my bath and wrapping myself up in a towel. “I’m fond of Jack and he’s gorgeous, and he seems like a good guy. Just remember guys like that don’t just come falling out of the sky. It couldn’t hurt to have some fun with him while you figure it out. And please, for the love of God, wrap it up tight.”

She chuckled at my plea and added, “They aren’t that bad.” I lifted a brow as her chuckle turned into full-blown laughter.

“They are. They are awful!”

“They are also yours if anything happens to Dean and me, so take that, Rosie.” Rose’s eyes widened as she smiled warmly. I threw my clothes on, no more relaxed than when I walked in, but thankful for the few minutes I got alone with Rose.

We were only a month away from opening our cancer treatment center, a compromise we had come to easily after Rose and I had delved into the possibilities of a new idea for a practice, but our common goal was always the same. We wanted to be doctors, we wanted to make a difference and we wanted to change the game. Once the decision was made, everything started to fall into place. The last two years of one break after another simply reaffirmed what I already knew.

Some dreams you were born with, some dreams you grow into, and some dreams have to be unveiled. I knew without a doubt Rose and I had done all of these to the same dream.

We had both thrown ourselves into the task and it had taken every amount of time, money, and energy we had to get it going, but it was all finally coming into fruition. I would take the lead while Rose finished her surgical training, but she had been involved in every single aspect of the planning.

“One month,” Rose said cheerfully as we exited the bathroom. I put my hands on her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “Ready, Dr. Whitaker?” Her answering smile was all I needed.

We walked downstairs to absolute quiet. Rose and I stared at each other in shock when we rounded the corner to see both my kids watching my father read them a book on the couch. Anna was half-asleep and was fighting her nod to stare up at her grandpa with wonder as he read in an animated tone.

Rose and I jumped as our mother approached quietly behind us. “Dean just pulled up. Leave them here. Meet him at the door.”

I shook my head. “Mom, we haven’t been able to leave Anna here a full night since she was a baby. You know she won’t stay.”

“Dallas, go,” my mother ordered, pointing her finger. I hugged her tightly. “Put it on my tab?” I smiled and laughed all the way to the door.

I met Dean there, his expression one of confusion when I emerged and showered him with kisses.

“A-L-O-N-E, baby! Tonight is all ours!” He smiled as I took his lower lip, sucking it mercilessly and chuckled as he stepped back to protest. “But, Anna—”

“Shht, shhht, no, no, no. We are free! That woman in there is Laura Whitaker,” I reminded him. “She says she will handle it, she will handle it. Tonight, you, me, dinner, sex, lots of sex, and...if we have time, a few hours of the four thousand hours of Tevo we have saved.”

He followed me, stopping me at the passenger door. “Dallas,” he breathed out as his kiss trailed down my neck. I was instantly hot and jumped into his arms. He kissed me deeply then pulled away, dazzling me with his crystal blue gaze.

“You still love me, Dean?” I asked, smiling.

“God, baby, do I ever,” he said, grinding his hips into me. I caught his gaze again, questioning him without humor. “No, I mean do you still want to be with me? Like the old and gray, death do us part kind of love me?”

“Of course, Dallas.” He looked confused. “Where is this coming from?”

“Just making sure,” I said, opening his car door.

“Obviously I have a little work to do.” He got in the car opposite of me, leaned in and gave me a slow sweet kiss.

“Where are we off to, my lady?” he asked, his eyes taking me in. I must have looked a mess in my t-shirt, jeans, damp hair, and no makeup. I pulled down the visor and gasped in horror.

“Home immediately to change.”

“Dallas, you look beautiful the way you are.”

I squared my shoulders and bit out my order. “Tonight I want to be dined like a lady and screwed like a whore, and I want to look the part. Home, Dean.”

His eyes flickered with heat I had been missing for months and I rubbed my hand gently over his crotch as he took off like a bat out of hell.

An hour later, I met him at our front door wearing the tightest red dress I had that sloped low, accenting my cleavage and some ‘do me’ stilettos. I didn’t have the body I once had. I was a mother of two and it showed. I had rounded out some, my hips wider, still retaining ten or fifteen pounds that lingered, but somehow I felt better than I ever had. Dean’s eyes appreciated me as I shrugged my coat on.

“I love it,” he said, leaning down trailing his hands across my stomach and reaching up to cup my breasts over my dress. “I love you,” he murmured, wetting his lips and leaning in for a heated kiss. He turned me to face the door and slid my dress up, leaving me panting and shaking in anticipation. He massaged my ass and ran his finger under the thin strip of my thong. Seconds later, I heard the rip and my panties were on the floor. He grabbed my hand and twisted it behind me, covering the huge bulge in his pants and I moaned my appreciation.

“Now we’re ready.” I looked back in time to see his lips curve into a wicked smile as he reached for the door.

Yeah...we’ve still got it.

FIND THE Fall Playlist on Spotify

Kate Stewart, a native of Dallas, now resides in Charleston, S.C. She moved to the city three weeks after her first visit, dropping her career of 8 years, declaring the city her creative muse. Since her move in 2010, she has published two novels, the third coming July 2015. She lives with her husband of 8 years, Nick who is featured on the cover of the novel, TITAN. (Set to re-release some time in 2016.)

Email Kate - authorkatestewart@gmail.com

Follow on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/authorkatestewart

Follow on Twitter - https://twitter.com/authorklstewart

Books By Kate Stewart

ROOM 212

Never Me

Loving The White Liar

The Mind (Grant and Rose's Novella, Spring 2016)

The Heart (Rose's Story, Coming 2016)

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Books by ANGELICA CHASE

Kate Stewart Writing as Erotic Suspense Author Angelica Chase

Sexual Awakenings Series

The Waltz

The Tango

The Last Dance

Curtains

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Excess Series

Opulence

Reverence

Hindrance

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Predator and Prey Series

Camouflage

Thank you to my betas: Sharon, Patty, Beth, Stacy, Anne, Julie, Danielle, Yamara, Jen, Heather, Beverly, Tara and Dawn.

Bloggers - I love you. Thank you for all your amazing support the past year and a half. Honestly there are way too many to name, but I’m thankful for each and every one of you.

MJ - You are truly the most amazing woman and best friend a girl could have. I love you.

To my Street Team the Asskickers – Stacy, Tabatha, Cindy, Akeisha, Sophie, Julie, Paula, Susan, Melissa, Theresa, Jessica, Jess B, Gia, Sarah, Vrsha, Jessica R, Jen, Kathy, Lina, SB, Donna, Karrie, Lisa D, Beth and Sanne. Virtual hugs and fist bumps to every single one of you. I can’t believe it’s only been a year and half! You ladies mean the world to me. Thanks for sticking around.

Jess Bee - Thank you once again for recovering my fumbles and being a stellar friend while doing it. You really have stuck by me since the beginning. We are lifers, you and I.

Edee M. Fallon - And then there were SEVEN! There are no other words but THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

Juliana Cabrera - You are a magical creature. I cherish your friendship so much. I’ll love you through it all, I promise, as you done for me.