PRAISE FOR JUST ONE

“As times change, so do fashions in parenting and family size. Susan Newman, PhD, who has been studying ‘onlies’ for the past four decades, draws from research and interviews to illuminate why today’s parents are opting for ‘just one.’ Amplifying the voices of child-development experts as well as parents in the trenches, Newman gives us a clear-eyed understanding of evolving social norms, financial considerations, and emotional factors that impact family size. Whether you’re considering having an only child or are already raising one, Just One provides balanced, empathic advice on how to navigate this path with intention, wisdom, and compassion.” —Melinda Blau, coauthor of the New York Times bestseller Secrets of the Baby Whisperer and author of The Wisdom Whisperers

“A thoughtful, unapologetic exploration and celebration of the one-child family. With her decades of expertise and hundreds of interviews with only children and parents of only children over the years, Susan Newman is uniquely attuned to the concerns and the delights of this increasingly popular family type.” —Bella DePaulo, PhD, author of Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life

“What a relief for any parents shamed, blamed, or worried about having one child. This should never have been a cause for comment or fear, but it was. Thank goodness this book puts the myths to rest, with facts and friendliness. (And why do people always want to tell other parents what they ‘should’ be doing, anyhow?)” —Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow, author of Free-Range Kids

“One and done, or unsure? Susan Newman redefines what it means to be a family with one child today. She takes any stress or worry out of the equation by delivering thoughtful answers to those struggling ‘on the fence’ and indispensable suggestions to those wanting to raise a compassionate, content, and independent only child.” —Guy Winch, PhD, psychologist, author of Emotional First Aid

“Just One is a supportive, science-backed, insightful guide that underscores the unique strengths of only children while addressing common concerns. With her characteristic warmth, Susan Newman dismantles the stereotypes and offers reams of actionable and empowering advice. A must-read for anyone seeking to embrace the possibilities and joy of raising an only child!” —Phyllis L. Fagell, licensed therapist, school counselor, and author of Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond and Middle School Superpowers

“Just One is a beacon of clarity in helping you decide on one child or more. It addresses the emotional tug-of-war and real-world challenges parents and prospective parents face, making a compelling case for the benefits of having an only child. It offers pitch-perfect advice for each stage of the one-child parenting journey—it’s like having your own private parenting coach who shares strategies, solutions, and mindsets for confident single-child parenting.” —Alice Boyes, PhD, author of The Anxiety Toolkit

“Susan Newman has done it again! Just One celebrates the unique happiness and wonder parents experience raising an only child. With positive inspiration, it dispels the myths of family size and the unfounded criticism parents of only children have faced. Susan offers a gentle, guiding hand with tips and spot-on support. Considering the growing popularity of only-child families, Just One is a much-needed breath of fresh air!” —Sean Grover, LCSW, author of When Kids Call the Shots

“Is one child enough for me? No sibling—am I cheating my child? Just One expertly answers the pressing questions that arise when considering family size. Drawing from cutting-edge research and intimate stories of only children and their parents, Newman offers reassuring guidance for those navigating this deeply personal decision.” —Amy McCready, parenting coach and author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World

“Just One is packed with fresh perspective and keen observations, and its insights and practical advice reassure parents and those still deciding. It’s a timely, must-have book for working through and living the joys and challenges of the one-child decision, showing that family isn’t about size—it’s about love.” —Hannah Howard, author of Feast: True Love in and out of the Kitchen and Plenty: A Memoir of Food and Family

“At long last we have a new definition of family—the one-child family is no longer an oddity but a preferred choice with surprising benefits for both parent and child. Dr. Newman lets us know why one child may well be your answer for the world we live in now.” —Michele Borba, EdD, educational psychologist and author of Thrivers and UnSelfie

JUST ONE

OTHER BOOKS BY SUSAN NEWMAN, PHD

The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It, Mean It, and Stop People-Pleasing Forever

Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily

Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father

Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only

Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day

Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren

Little Things Shared: Lasting Connections Between Family & Friends

Getting Your Child into College: What Parents Must Know

Let’s Always . . . Promises to Make Love Last

Don’t Be S.A.D.: A Teenage Guide to Stress, Anxiety & Depression

It Won’t Happen to Me: True Stories of Teen Alcohol and Drug Abuse

You Can Say No to a Drink or a Drug: What Every Kid Should Know

Never Say Yes to a Stranger: What Your Child Must Know to Stay Safe

JUST ONE

The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child

SUSAN NEWMAN, PHD

An imprint of The Globe Pequot Publishing Group, Inc.
64 South Main Street
Essex, CT 06426
www.globepequot.com

Copyright © 2025 by Susan Newman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Newman, Susan author

Title: Just one : the new science, secrets & joy of parenting an only child / Susan Newman, PhD.

Description: Essex, Connecticut : Prometheus Books, [2025] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2024061276 (print) | LCCN 2024061277 (ebook) | ISBN 9781493088584 paperback alk. paper | ISBN 9781493088591 epub

Subjects: LCSH: Only child | Parenting | Parent and child | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / General | SOCIAL SCIENCE / Sociology / Marriage & Family

Classification: LCC HQ777.3 .N478 2025 (print) | LCC HQ777.3 (ebook) | DDC 649/.142—dc23/eng/20250421

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024061276

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024061277

frn_fig_004 The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/ NISO Z39.48-1992.

For Andrew and Nathaniel

Proof that only children are indeed wonderful

INTRODUCTION

Just One is about making the biggest decision of your life, then living it. There’s no study that shows one family size is better than another. But the decades of research I’ve conducted, myriad studies I’ve reviewed, and my personal experiences as a parent reflect how far we’ve come in desiring and accepting the one-child family.

I like to think that I’m objective about family size. Before having an only child in my second marriage, my ex-husband and I raised his four children. I’ve lived and loved family life both ways—neither configuration was more fun or rewarding than the other. When I had my now adult son, only children and their parents were openly stigmatized. Over time, though, much has changed to correct erroneous thinking and persistent misconceptions.

I’ve reported on scientific findings about only children and their parents—namely, the attitudes and feelings surrounding this family dynamic—for more than 17 years as a regular contributor to Psychology Today. During that time, the perception of what makes a family has changed dramatically, and the myths about only children have dissipated. Parents of “just one” have become savvier and unapologetic (as they should be) about their choice. The family size that was once viewed unfavorably has become desirable. It’s a striking, welcome change, especially if you’re thinking about having one child, raising one child, or wonder if your child needs a sibling.

Developed countries throughout the world are in the middle of a long, ongoing baby bust. That wasn’t the case decades ago when I had my son. Barely a month postpartum, the interrogation and accusations started: “When are you having another?” Then when people found out I wasn’t having another child: “You can’t do that to your child!” “You are being selfish.” Myths about only children were rampant at the time. The über-personal questions I faced led me to wonder what could possibly be wrong with having one child. I made it my mission to find out what all the negativity was about, and over the years have done a series of research studies to explore this issue.

What I learned during my latest study will help you rein in anxieties related to making a choice about family size. Just One delves into the nagging questions that can leave you stuck. You’ll better understand the factors that may be influencing your decision and get informed, evidence-based guidance on how to parent an only child.

The pervasive questions that may persist under the surface—whether or not you actually had a choice in family size—will be explored:

•Is one child enough for me?

•Am I being selfish by limiting my family to “just one”?

•Does my child need a sibling? Am I cheating my child?

•Will my child be labeled spoiled, lonely, or worse?

•How do I raise an empathetic, responsible, content only child?

•Is the burden of caring for aging or ill parents too much for one child?

To find answers, I’ve interviewed many people who wrestled with these types of questions. The study I conducted for this book includes more than 130 people from diverse cultures and countries and economic means, some with one child who aren’t sure how many children they want, and others adamant that they only want one. Those I interviewed open up about their very personal struggles, discuss solutions that worked for them, and give their tips for raising one child. They share what works, vulnerably acknowledge their missteps, offer tools for success, and talk about the mindset needed to raise a single child with confidence.

Participants who agreed to be interviewed were single, partnered, married, heterosexual, bisexual, and gay. I spoke with parents of singletons, and only children as young as 18 and as old as 80. I interviewed people living in regions all across the United States and around the world, from Europe to Australia and Singapore. I met with study subjects in person, spoke to them on the phone, and chatted on Zoom.

A shocking number of only children went on to have only children themselves. You’ll read about only-child “dynasties” with generations of singletons in the same family. A few only children I spoke with had more than one child not necessarily because they had unhappy childhoods. A limited number of older only children who grew up in the era when inaccurate stereotypes about only children prevailed reported having a negative experience.

The responses to my questions are markedly different from what parents of only children and only children themselves told me just a dozen years ago, the last time I did large-scale only-child research. The negative only-child stereotypes have all but disappeared, and women are choosing to start their families at a later age and increasingly becoming single mothers. These choices have a clear effect on childbearing.

The pandemic also has many rethinking family size. Lockdowns with no childcare and e-learning demands on parents have underscored how much more difficult parenting multiple children can be. Although the threat of COVID has faded for many, the worries and attitudes the pandemic generated will probably linger and affect family size.

“The only child is becoming the norm,” writes Camilla Cavendish, a contributing editor and columnist at the Financial Times, which, like many other media outlets, closely follows changing family dynamics. “As populations shrink, we will have to redefine our notion of the family.”¹

The shift toward families with one child is an integral part of the change in family structure, and a statistical fact, yet somehow it has largely remained a secret. The one-child family is outpacing the two-child family. The US Census underscores what’s really happening: A growing number of families are having one child instead of two or more. According to 2020 figures, nearly 15 million parents lived in households with one child under 18, compared with about 13 million who had two children in the household.² As of 2022, the average family size was 3.1 people.³

You don’t have to take my word for it. Before the pandemic, the Pew Research Center’s senior researcher on fertility and family demographics, Gretchen Livingston, noted, “The one-child family is definitely on the rise.”⁴

It is the fastest-growing family unit, driven by women like 36-year-old Stella, the mother of a 5-year-old. “Just because I can have another child,” she says, “doesn’t necessarily mean I should.”

If you’re raising a singleton now, as Stella is, you may worry about your child’s socialization and independence and how your child will feel as an adult. If so, tuck this thought away: Having siblings has less bearing on their development than you may think. Today, decisions about family size center around being the best parent instead of the number of children you have. It’s about being content, finding joy in your life, and instilling that delight in your child.

Once you are privy to the new science, you’ll be able to appreciate the bonuses of having one child for yourself and for your only child—insights that have not been broadcast loudly enough. The pluses are vast and can include, among others, an academic edge for the child and close, long-lasting bonds with parents.

In Just One, we’ll cover these benefits. We’ll also highlight the concerns that lead parents to decide to have one child or to think twice about having kids at all. One of these may be giving you pause: your job or career aspirations, your age, infertility, the cost of raising children, and less-than-ideal family leave policies and childcare options, especially in the United States. In these pages, you will find men and women who grappled with these issues and make sense of why the number of one-child families keeps growing and the stereotypes keep fading, and why so many are embracing and celebrating this popular one-child family dynamic.

PART I

THE RISE OF THE ONLY CHILD

CHAPTER ONE

Fueling the Trend

“We’re likely living through the most rapid change in family structure in human history.”

—DAVID BROOKS, THE ATLANTIC¹

You may have a vision for what your family will look like. The archetype of two or more children has long been baked into our culture. For what feels like forever, people have tended to describe this as the most desirable family size. That image of raising multiple children is giving way to a new reality: Parents raising “just one” are thrilled with the smaller, nuclear family.

I asked the parents of only children who took part in this Only Child Research Project how many children they initially thought that they wanted and what their expectations of family were. A good number imagined having a family with two children or envisioned a houseful of kids, while others felt differently.

“Before I had a child, I wanted zero or one. I knew I didn’t want two, but every once in a while, I thought I might like five,” Rachael says in answer to my question. “I know that sounds crazy. I completely changed from not knowing I wanted kids to I couldn’t imagine life without my son, but having another child was scary from a monetary point of view. I was anxious about money.”

The proportion of mothers who had one child at the end of their childbearing years has more than doubled since 1976, and the US birth-rate is the lowest it has been since 1979.² What was most unexpected from the research findings, though, was the number of participants who boasted of generations of only children in the same family.

The reasons many parents have “only one” child are as varied as families themselves. Sometimes, fertility or financial constraints essentially make the choice for parents. Many others are intentionally having one child.

THE BABY BUST IS REAL

Already on the decline, birth rates are projected to continue to fall in almost every developed country.³ We are below replacement level, defined as two children per women, in those countries, including the United States.⁴

Only-child families represent the most common family size in a range of nations—from South Korea, China, and Japan to England, India, and Italy.⁵ Some of these countries are already being labeled “one-child nations.” In Britain, more than 45 percent of married couples have one dependent child.⁶ In Canada, 45 percent of families also have one child. In US cities like Seattle, 47 percent of families have an only child.⁷

The trend toward smaller families with a growing share opting to have one child isn’t necessarily limited to big cities or certain regions of the country either. Nancy, 53, who has an elementary-school-age daughter, initially said that she didn’t know any only children other than hers in the small southern US city where they live. A few days later, she corrected herself in an email: “After thinking about it, I’ve busted my own stereotype of there not being many families with only children in the South. Among my peers growing up, I can only think of one, but among my daughter’s peers I can think of at least eight families with one child.”

It’s understandable that a majority of families in China have one child. The government has tightly controlled family size, prohibiting couples from having more than one child from the late 1970s until it allowed couples to have up to two children beginning in 2016 (after officials announced the change in late 2015). In 2021, China changed its policy again in response to concerns about its aging population, encouraging couples to have three children.⁸

Each time China eased its decades-old one-child policy and offered perks to those having more than one baby, most couples of childbearing age were having none of it. Like American parents, Chinese parents worry about the cost of raising and educating more children. The one-child family is so ingrained in Chinese culture that the majority of parents living in the Communist state opt not to have multiple children despite tempting incentives being offered by the government.

Other governments, alarmed about their aging populations and economic futures, established elaborate programs to entice couples to have more children. To counter falling birth rates and stabilize the population and the economy, France, Japan, Denmark, and others offered substantial financial incentives, bonuses, or tax breaks to couples having more children. Hungary went all out with a policy that eliminates personal income tax for women who have a child before age 30 and for those who have four or more children. Australia too had its own bonus-for-baby plan with the amount dependent on how many children you had and family income. As in China, these type of “dollars for babies” programs have not been received enthusiastically elsewhere either.

In another desperate attempt to bolster birth rate, the South Korean government went so far as to start a blind-date program with the intention that these dates would lead to marriage and eventually more babies. Speaking to Bloomberg News, Baeck Ha-na, an accountant with a popular YouTube channel, said that she found South Korea’s attempts “to boost birthrates . . . ‘abusive’ and ‘frustrating’ because they fail to address the lack of legal avenues to ensure career development for mothers or alleviate financial burdens in raising children.”⁹

When the birthrate dropped below replacement levels required to maintain population stability in Copenhagen, the city funded a campaign reminding Danes of childbearing age that their biological clocks were winding down. It was not well received.¹⁰

Some campaigns were more pointed and harsher. On one National Fertility Day in Italy, the government ran a scare campaign that implied negatives with a warning that among the “dangers” of postponing childbearing is that it would lead to having only one child. Most of the different countries’ attempts to raise the birth rate backfired, proving ineffective and only further turning sentiment against the idea.¹¹

In an opinion piece in the New York Times titled “The End of Babies,” Anna Louie Sussman wrote, “If any country should be stocked with babies, it is Denmark. The country is one of the wealthiest in Europe. New parents enjoy 12 months’ paid family leave and highly subsidized daycare. Women under 40 can get state-funded in vitro fertilization.” Despite going to those great lengths, the birth rate has not risen there either.¹²

Such perks and policies, available in varied forms in other countries, are glaringly absent in the US, which is the only wealthy country that does not have a guaranteed, paid parental leave policy. When that’s combined with starting families “older,” the rigors and cost of raising children, and the pressure on working mothers, it’s easy to grasp the trend toward one-child families. In short, as society changes, the goalpost for having babies keeps moving no matter how many kids you want—or think you want—or how enticing the sweeteners being offered by a particular country may be.

CONSIDERING COVID-19 AND CLIMATE CHANGE

The global pandemic and climate change have many rethinking child-bearing and raising children and will have a long-lasting impact on childbearing decisions.

“In times of heightened uncertainty, people are less likely to bring children into the world,” Joe Pinsker, who covers families and relationships for the Atlantic, wrote in the middle of the lengthy 2020 lockdown. “Potential parents are likely worried both about their (and their children’s) future health, and their future finances.”¹³

The pandemic put only-child parents and would-be parents on high alert. Comment after comment posted to online parenting boards and Facebook groups sound an alarm:

•“When my husband offhandedly mentioned having a second baby, I went back on birth control,” one woman posted.

•“This pandemic and money convinced me to stop at one,” the parent of a 2-year-old chimed in.

•“Too many unknowns. I have friends who tell me life will be fine and I’ll be missing out if I don’t have another child. I’m not convinced. I think we should make the child we have a priority,” the mother of a 3-year-old added.

A wide-ranging poll from the Pew Research Center taken during the pandemic revealed that 74 percent of parents said it was unlikely that they would have more children or that they did not plan to do so.¹⁴

The pandemic made something difficult even harder. Sharon’s child was born at the height of the pandemic when a good number of hospitals did not allow family members, including spouses, inside. After her pandemic birthing experience and the minimal help she received when she got home, Sharon, 36, says she can’t go through it again. “I am still shell-shocked years later. My husband wants a second and I’m not convinced I want another child. Getting to a decision looks like me spinning on a hamster wheel.”

Young enough to have more children, Rebecca, 36, has a 2-year-old and admits to having lengthy debates with herself and her husband. “We thought we wanted multiple children, three or four,” she told me. “When we thought we could have a second, the pandemic started. We both were working in jobs with shaky security. That brought us up short and got us thinking that this is not a good time to have another child.”

Like pandemic-related concerns, climate change also has people rethinking how many children to have. With wildfires and other climate-related disasters becoming more common, you may wonder if it’s wise to start a family in—or bring another child into—our warming world. In a survey of 20- to 45-year-olds, a third “cited climate change as a reason they had or expected to have fewer children than they considered ideal.”¹⁵

During conversations about climate change and our diminishing natural resources, words like “deterrent,” “discouragement,” and “responsibility” pop up often. Kathleen, 41, who has a 2-year-old, lives on the West Coast and feels that “climate change and the strain on our environmental resources are a discouragement to having more children. The wildfires here were impactful and we couldn’t leave our house. Several of my friends who are young enough to have another child think a child brought into the world now would not have a secure future. They don’t want their kids to inherit an unstable world.”

Initially preferring a larger family, Kenneth, 39, an only child with an only child, let go of that wish because of the financial pressure of more children and his sense of what it means to be a responsible steward of the planet. “The more kids you have, the more consumption, the more the impact on the environment and on the global footprint.”

I asked Ryan, 44, an only child, if he thought the pandemic would influence the number of children people had going forward. He ignored the “pandemic” part of my question completely, answering, “The biggest influence is climate and the environment. Resources are limited and children take up a lot of them. As people become more sensitized, climate will be a deterrent to having more children.”

When the New York Times published two articles addressing the dip in population growth and its effect on the economy, readers fired back. In a letter to the editor, Alexandra Paul of California wrote: “With a smaller population, we will not struggle for resources to provide food, water and housing for everyone; we will not contribute as much to climate change; we will live in harmony with nature and allow wildlife to thrive; most people will have jobs despite the rise in automation; there will be less traffic, less crowding, more open space. These are all crucial things to well-being.”

In her letter to the editor, college sophomore Astrid Braun from Ohio shared the perspective of her peers. “But when I talk to people my age about having children, we don’t talk about whether or not we like kids, or whether or not we would be able to support them,” she wrote. “We talk about the moral implications of putting more people on this earth to consume more resources. And we talk about not wanting our kids to live in the terribly uncertain future, one in which they could be facing a world of climate change disasters. We ourselves are already facing it, in many places.”¹⁶

CHOICES AND DILEMMAS

Beyond the pandemic and worries about climate change, those considering a first baby or having a second child wrestle with differing personal roadblocks. These range from their age or finances to finishing their education, paying off student loans, or how another child might affect their career, job security, or lifestyle.

Today, women exercise their options in regard to if or when they’ll marry or have children. Those who feel pressure to start families earlier are finding that delaying their decision doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t in the future. They’re just waiting longer to become mothers.

Census data compiled since 1890 shows that men and women got married youngest in the mid-1950s, at around 22 years and 20 years, respectively. In 2019, the median age for getting married peaked at nearly 30 for men and 28 for women. It’s more likely today that women will be older when they marry and older, married or not, when they become parents.¹⁷

Patricia represents how women tend to approach marriage and becoming a parent. “I got married at 35. I had a new job and was hesitant to take a maternity leave so soon after starting. A friend said, ‘That’s a job, this is life, you shouldn’t wait.’ But I waited two and a half years before having a baby. I was almost 38.” Patricia is 55, and her daughter is a junior in high school.

Because more women wait to start their families, a huge and growing industry has developed that is no longer under the radar or a hush-hush topic. In vitro fertilization has swiftly gained popularity, and the advances have been enormous and reassuring to women and couples who delay pregnancy.

Freezing eggs for use at a convenient time is not unusual. Miranda froze genetically tested embryos when she 37. “I considered it an ‘investment.’ You’re in a better place when you wait,” she says of having a baby at 40.

Maybe you want to be more settled in your job or wait until you’re in a better financial position to have a child or grow your family. If you’re single, you might want time to consider sperm donors or be holding out until you find the right partner.

“Women have been worried about when to have their babies for decades. We have asked women who want to be successful in the work world to hold off starting families,” says Dr. Julie Graves, a family medicine and public health physician and the associate director of a telehealth company. “The rigidity of structure in corporate America makes it difficult for women to have several children. Companies in this country don’t have people in charge, male or female, who necessarily consider parenting problems.”¹⁸

Australia is a microcosm of what is happening in the United States and other wealthy nations around the world. In 1981, 17 percent of new mothers were over age 30. By 2017, that number had climbed to 49 percent.¹⁹

In Canada, it’s more common for a woman who is 35 to 39 years old to give birth than it is for a woman who is 20 to 24.²⁰

In addition to more “older” mothers, the number of single parents is increasing. Some choose to have children alone, while others become single parents because of divorce or the death of a partner.²¹

Social psychologist Bella DePaulo, PhD, who has devoted her career to studying single life, explains that the number of single people keeps “growing and growing . . . and a greater proportion of women having children are not married.”²² The US Census puts the total number of single-parent families in the US at 10 million. Of those, roughly 75 percent are mothers.²³

Nancy was divorced without children. Her advancing age was only one factor that led her to become a single parent with one child. “I started my journey at age 41. I had been on my own for several years and dating wasn’t working out. I decided that I had a lifetime to find a partner, but the window was closing to become a mother,” she said. “I remember reading an article about parenting being the greatest education. It wasn’t that I was dying for a baby, but I didn’t want to miss out on the experience of parenting.”

Straight or gay, men and women don’t necessarily hold out for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Single people, like their married counterparts, frequently wait to start families. The median age among solo parents is 38, compared to 34 for cohabitating parents who aren’t married.²⁴

Like their female counterparts, single men tend to be older when they become dads. Some adopt. Others have a child via a surrogate. Whatever your views on surrogacy, freezing eggs, and fertility treatments, these medical interventions are here to stay, though they remain prohibitively expensive for many.

To help employees overcome financial barriers, companies are beginning to cover fertility and infertility treatments as a corporate benefit. Some offer very generous incentives as an enticement to retain employees. Women of childbearing age are taking advantage of the perk. They retrieve their eggs and freeze them and are then able to focus on getting ahead with their careers. With this bonus, more young women plan to start a family later. These women want to be mothers, but not right now.²⁵

Whatever your age, marital status, or timeline, the question remains: How do you face your trepidations about having the family you’ve imagined? Having options doesn’t make the decision any easier. Ingrid, 42, and her husband Omar, 43, married in their early 30s and had their son when Ingrid was 37. They contacted me to discuss their mounting doubts about giving their 5-year-old a brother or sister. The “cons” on Ingrid’s list may include factors you’ve considered when contemplating giving your child a sibling:

•I’m getting older.

•A pregnancy that would have been our second child failed.

•I’m buried in housework and very bitter about it.

•I need to start focusing on my career ASAP—or it’s very likely I’ll lose momentum.

•I already feel I’m working at capacity, and I don’t deal well with stress.

•We live in a small house and would need a bigger one. I don’t want to move since the location is great.

•We will be more financially comfortable with one child. My husband makes an OK amount of money, but it’s not too much.

•We have a very limited support system. Our families live far away, so they are unable to help us.

Like Ingrid, women in the Only Child Research Project were mostly 30 years old or considerably older when they gave birth. For the most part, women in their 20s don’t think about their fertility as problematic. During a CBS Sunday Morning television segment titled “For First-Time Moms, 40 Is the New 30,” Dr. Joanne Stone, director of maternal-fetal medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City, told viewers, “Everybody’s older. If you have somebody that’s 28, it’s like a teen pregnancy.”²⁶

The CDC confirms what Dr. Stone sees in her practice. The number of births to young women ages 20 through 24 has reached a record low.²⁷

Forty may not be the new 30 everywhere, but after talking to women across the country in small towns and large cities, in both rural and urban areas, and internationally, it’s clear that most of them are waiting until they’re in their 30s and 40s to have babies.

Judith, a musician, didn’t have her daughter until she was 47. “My friends all had kids when you’re supposed to—younger. I didn’t acknowledge my aging eggs or possible fertility problems,” she says. “At 40, I decided I wanted a child and struggled to become pregnant for years. I was completely focused on my career before that.”

Humorist and gay woman Suzy Becker details her own odyssey in her book One Good Egg: An Illustrated Memoir. For the first 23 years of her life, she was sure she would have babies, at least two. Then it took her 15 years to decide to go ahead and have just one. With a good friend as a donor, her tale unknots the knotty barriers of infertility treatment to becoming a mother at age 42.²⁸

When asked, a third of US adults say they’ve had or know someone who used fertility treatments, and that figure jumps much higher among those with bachelor, graduate, or more-advanced degrees.²⁹

Women have education, job, and career opportunities they didn’t have in the 1950s and ’60s and, as a result, find themselves vacillating between wanting a child or a bigger family and reaching their personal goals. Women who want to work, like Judith and Ingrid, weigh how having more children might affect their job trajectory.

In so many ways, women continue to fight the battles their grandmothers and great-grandmothers started. The dilemmas mothers face today are akin to the pre-feminist conundrum of women in the 1960s: “child-care challenges, maternal guilt, debts unpaid, dreams unrealized,” as Maggie Doherty describes in her book The Equivalents: A Story of Art, Female Friendship, and Liberation in the 1960s. Before women’s liberation, women had limited job prospects, and many of the same barriers remain, particularly the desire for a career or to be involved in other rewarding pursuits beyond being a parent.³⁰

Fredda, 42, who lives in Norway, knows the trouble that can arise from extended maternity leaves: “When my husband and I hit 40, our son was 7 years old and becoming more independent; we realized that we were on the verge of having our lives back. We were content and wanted the freedoms you lose if you start over with baby.

“Underscoring our decision was the jarring time I had after a long maternity leave. Unlike the United States, Norway gives a full year of maternity leave. When I returned, I was pushed to the side; it was a career break and I had to find another position in a new company. I knew from experience that if I took another maternity leave, I would essentially be replaced again. Short-circuiting my career was hurtful, and a tiny voice in my head said don’t do it again. I listened.”

Fredda understood having a second child might undercut her career plans. Mothers feel “a great deal of pressure to handle responsibilities at home” as well as to support the family financially and be effective and successful at work—to move ahead in their jobs or careers.³¹

Women sacrifice more and are paid less than their male counterparts—a double standard that the pandemic brought into sharper focus. Today, there are more female lawyers and doctors and more women than men with college degrees, yet the disadvantages for working mothers persist.

The results of a study conducted in Asia are indicative of barriers faced in other rich countries and similar to the outcome Fredda described of her job experience in Norway. The survey announced that 40 percent of working women reported that they were reluctant to have children, and 62 percent of women with one child did not want to have another. Of the women who said that they did not want to have children, 35 percent said it was due to “concerns over career development.”³²

Men and women are working harder and feeling pressure to put in longer hours within a system that provides little in the way of job security, childcare support, or flexible schedules, especially for women. Although it won’t necessarily help with climbing the corporate ladder, the flexibility to work remotely created by the pandemic is, however, giving some stay-at-home parents the ability to at least stay on course in their jobs.

We are seeing progress for women in a few fields that could be a model for others. In her book Career and Family: Women’s Century-Long Journey toward Equity, Claudia Goldin, a Harvard economics professor, notes pharmacists and veterinarians have paved the way to offer women flexible hours.³³ Until that happens, mothers who want to or need to hold a job to help support the family will struggle. Children pull at our heart strings and our purse strings. Raising them is expensive.

MORE THAN MONEY

What it costs to raise a child varies widely and is affected by where you live, your lifestyle, and your income. According to U.S. News & World Report, the average cost of raising a child born to a middle-income, married couple—up to age 18 and not including college tuitions and expenses—is around $267,000 in 2021 dollars. If you adjust for inflation, that number jumps to a staggering $312,202 as of March of 2024, with housing and food being the biggest expenses.³⁴

As Ingrid did, many parents contemplate the cost of having to move into a bigger house to accommodate a second child.

Kathleen, 41, insists that arranging for childcare and having to put her career on hold were more difficult than labor and delivery. “I signed my son up at a local daycare center when I was pregnant, but it took two years before he was accepted. Ah, the dreaded wait list! I don’t think we could afford to put another child in daycare. It’s a childcare desert out there.”

The Center for American Progress puts the “true cost” of childcare at an estimated $16,000 per year for families with an infant, and it can be much more expensive than that depending on where you live. This can become a serious deterrent to having more children—and for working parents with young children it is a top-of-mind concern and stressor.³⁵

While chatting with a service professional who was doing work in my home, we veered into a discussion about his childcare situation. He called what he spends on childcare “insane.” “My wife and I pay $20,190 a year for daycare for my 2-year-old and it’s only four days a week. When I had both my kids enrolled, before my older daughter started pre-K this year, we were paying $31,000. That’s more than our monthly mortgage payment!” This couple lives in a small country town, not a major metro area. National childcare costs are in the same range.³⁶

It’s no wonder that the stress of finding affordable and adequate childcare affects a parent’s mental health negatively. Speaking for herself and other working women, Celeste, a pharmaceutical sales representative, believes daycare is critical and essential. “I would be a terrible mom and employee if my son wasn’t in daycare,” she says, positive that having childcare allows her to focus on her work during the day and her son when she’s not on the job.

But here’s no getting around the cost of childcare and all the other expenses associated with raising each additional child. For more and more parents, the numbers don’t add up—it’s just too expensive to raise more than one.

Rarely is a single factor the family size decider. It could be housing considerations, lifestyle, age of parents when they have their first child, or career ambitions, not to mention the subtle influence of family and friends. Often the decision is made as the result of a sequence of events.

For Sandra, 41, and others, a convergence of factors accounts for her having one child. “I thought I would have two. My husband always said he would have as many children as he could afford. Money wasn’t the main issue for us, but a consideration. When my son turned 3, we were in a transition period; we relocated from the Midwest to the East Coast where the cost of living is higher, and we were changing jobs. Although I’m career-driven, we tried for a year and a half to get pregnant with no medical explanation as to why that didn’t happen. The next step would have been IVF, which I know from friends is draining, and I didn’t want to go through it. I wanted to enjoy what I had.”

Years ago, environment consultant and science journalist Fred Pearce predicted a population crash. “Once the trend has set in, it will be very hard to break,” he noted.³⁷

No question, the trend toward the one-child family has taken hold. Climate change anxiety, women’s fraught participation in the workforce, the expense of raising children, the repercussions and profound aftershocks of COVID-19, and myriad other personal hurdles have sent childbearing into a downward spiral that will continue to fuel the one-child decision for a long time to come.

Families today report feeling more freedom to choose to have one child and are more likely to celebrate that decision. Given all the observable indicators, it is easy to comprehend why “just one” is the family of today and tomorrow and why it has become a preferred option for many. With so many considerations at work, how do you decide to be “one and done”?

CHAPTER TWO

How We Decide

“I’d be remiss if I chalked up our decision to have a child to one single moment.”

—MIKE BIRBIGLIA AND J. HOPE STEIN, THE NEW ONE¹

If you’re contemplating having one child or giving your child a sibling, you’re likely to be influenced by more than seeing someone else’s children happily playing together in a sandbox, recalling a blissful childhood with a sister or brother, or a friend’s decision to have two or three children. How you decide is affected in large and small ways by subtle, and at times under the surface, drivers we may not recognize or acknowledge. Much of it is “silent noise,” and there’s a lot of it out there that affects our judgment and choices.

Some of the strongest quiet forces at work can be deeply hidden in your unconscious. Think about your own beliefs concerning just about anything—your political preference, religion, cars, diet or exercise programs, or how you celebrate holidays. Some of your sentiments may be long-standing.

People’s views, including your own, about whether to vaccinate children, climate change, or only children are deeply rooted. In trying to sort them out, you face something called “confirmation bias.” That is to say, when presented new information, we may evaluate that information in ways that inherently corroborate what we already believe. This is known as confirmation bias. For instance, you hear and understand that only children are not necessarily selfish, but accepting it is harder because you observe an only child not willing to share his toys and that confirms what you already believe. Decades of research refuting the only-child stereotypes may not eliminate your unconscious bias. Preexisting beliefs can skew your thinking and undermine your ability to make an informed decision.

Ask yourself, where did your “knowledge”—positive or negative—about only children come from? Is this a family belief passed down through the generations? Does your perspective come largely from friends with multiple children? Was it a movie or television show that made a lasting impression on you? Or did a lot of different sources each contribute a little to your attitudes about family size? If so, what you think about only children isn’t simply your opinion but the result of collective thinking. The problem is that almost all of the popular perceptions about only children are erroneous. That means myths, not facts, may be guiding your decision about family size.

Philip Fernbach, a professor at the University of Colorado’s Leeds School of Business, and Steven Sloman, who teaches at Brown University, explain why this happens in an op-ed for the New York Times, referring to their book, The Knowledge Illusion: Why We Never Think Alone. “People fail to distinguish what they know from what others know because it is often impossible to draw sharp boundaries between what knowledge resides in our heads and what resides elsewhere. . . . Here’s the humbler truth: On their own, individuals are not well equipped to separate fact from fiction, and they never will be. Ignorance is our natural state; it is a product of the way the mind works.”²

That is something to keep in mind as you grapple with childbearing and child-rearing decisions.

WE DON’T THINK ALONE

We like to believe that we think for ourselves and make decisions independently, but we don’t, especially when it comes to life-changing choices. Understanding how you’re influenced by others improves your ability to think through your possibilities.

We have no hard-and-fast evidence that one family size is more rewarding than another, and little is known about what truly motivates people to bring a baby into the world in spite of the fact that it is one of life’s most critical decisions. Those contemplating the question are influenced by much more than finances, career ambitions, and other practical considerations. Beyond collective thinking and confirmation bias, several curious elements tend to heavily color decisions about family size. They include how you were raised, relationships with siblings, and friends’ choices, as well as media portrayals of family and cultural norms. They all factor into your private debate in different ways.

Our emotional ties to family and our experience growing up weigh heavily when trying to determine how to answer the question, Is one child enough? Whether your childhood was happy or unhappy can be a powerful and obvious force. You may want to replicate the family you grew up in or stay as far away from it as possible.

MaryBeth, 42, adores her older sister. “I wanted two children. All the fun times she and I had together were in my head. My kids were going to have exactly the same experience I had—that was the plan.” But Mary-Beth, who has a 6-year-old son, faced pregnancy and birth obstacles that ruled out a second child.

In contrast, Deborah, 65, the parent of an only child, had strong feelings about not wanting siblings for her daughter. “I have one sister and we were not close, and our relationship was troublesome. It is good that we live far away from each other. We would never be those adult siblings who rely on one another and do everything together. My unpleasant relationship with her was one of the main reasons I only wanted one child.”

Shannon, 38, an only child, explains how her mother’s strong feelings were instrumental in the family she chose for herself: “I realized that the essential piece of my decision to have three children was that my mother didn’t WANT an only child. She had several failed marriages and several miscarriages. An only child was never her plan. In fact, it was in some ways her greatest pain.

“Although I was pretty happy as an only child, I never once considered having an only child myself. I was raised to believe there was something better, and that being an only child was not desirable. I wonder how my perception would be different if my experience as an only child had been one that my mother wanted. Until today when you asked me about my childhood, I had never thought that being an only child was a desirable thing.”

Without question, our parents and the family life we had can be powerful motivators. For some, personal goals trump raising children. Meredith and Doug, 38 and 39, each have three siblings and good relationships with them. For them, that doesn’t mean they’re going to try to replicate that with their family. “You would think, because we have siblings we like, that we would want to repeat that, but we don’t. We’re focused on our careers”—she’s an oncologist, he’s a biochemist—“and want to buy a second home.” Meredith adds, “If we have any [children], it will be one.” Doug nods his head in agreement, indicating that what his wife says is absolute fact for them.

Unlike Meredith and Doug, you may have a plan that’s based on your family history. Fredda thought she wanted two children because of the camaraderie she had with her sister, who was barely 20 when she died. “I may have idealized our relationship, and those memories pushed me toward wanting a second child, one that ultimately we did not have.”

It’s not unusual to glamorize relationships and the good times you may have had with siblings, cousins, or other relatives. However, memories can be deceiving, especially when they become clouded by the passage of time. As the details fade, “we make decisions based on subjective memory,” explains Yana Fandakova of the Center for Mind and Brain at the University of California, Davis, and her coauthors in their research on how our changed recollections—rather than accurate or objective memories—guide decision-making.³

Julia Lifanov of the University of Birmingham delves deeper into this phenomenon in research she led, published in Nature Communications. “Memories become less vibrant and detailed over time, with only the central gist eventually preserved,” she concludes.⁴

Fredda, for instance, recalled general feelings of closeness yet had no specific details to offer about her relationship with her late sister. You may recall joyous holiday celebrations spent with a large group of family members and friends gathered around a festive table. Perhaps there’s a touch football game between the main meal and dessert. What you may not remember precisely, if at all, are the tensions, family disagreements, or hurt feelings that were so painful then and are long forgotten. We forget some things, and memories get distorted.

When recollections and sibling relationships are positive, it can be more difficult to make the one-child choice. Derlin, 42, has warm memories of spending time with relatives at Thanksgiving and Christmas. He also has a positive relationship with his brother. “We always had each other’s backs and still do,” he says. “We speak at least twice a week, and I thought I wanted two children until I had my daughter. Being a parent was not what I thought it would be. She didn’t sleep through the night until she was about 7. Having enjoyed the last three years of restful sleep and as much as I would like to have large, boisterous family get-togethers, I’m not going to forget those difficult and sleepless early years.”

GROUP THINK

Friends’ choices can have a huge influence on many of the decisions we make, and having a baby, or two or three babies, is no exception. “You look around at what other people seem to be doing and that affects your motivation,” Douglas Storey, director of research at the Johns Hopkins Center for Communication Programs, told the New York Times.⁵ He was referring to how people made decisions during the pandemic, but the gist applies to many different situations and choices.

Your neighbors appear to be redoing their landscaping, and you think maybe you should do the same. It might feel as if everyone around you has an SUV and two or three children, and that they’re taking it all in stride. Their choices can seem very appealing. But their experience and even well-meaning advice may not apply to you. “Some friends make suggestions based on their experiences and not my particulars,” notes Lucinda, who has a 3-year-old. For Lucinda and other parents of one, having friends with multiple children can be absorbed as pressure to have a second child.

Tina, 39, who also has a 3-year-old, feels alone in her community. “I don’t know any other mothers who are confidently stopping at one. It’s hard for me to convince myself that I’m not wrong since the people I know are choosing families with multiple children. The statistics say that I am not alone, but my lived experience seems to indicate otherwise.”

Sally, 38, the mother of a 9-year-old, felt pressure to have more children and dismissed it. “Some people genuinely feel the American dream is having two or more kids . . . and they don’t even consider having just one. Male and female friends have told me, ‘Before I knew what happened, we had so many kids.’ They seem surprised. I didn’t want to have babies to conform with society, which I think so many people do.”

The power of friends you trust and the trust you have in their choices can move you in one direction or another. Knowing yourself and understanding your unique circumstances can also help you make the decision. Most of Sandra’s friends have more than one child; she is unfazed by peer pressure. “We bucked the overriding expectation that four people make family. I like being unconventional by not living in the suburbs with a bunch of kids,” says the 41-year-old mother of an 8-year-old.

Sometimes friends hint that you should jump on their multi-child bandwagon and have another child. It can be helpful to recognize that parents with multiple children can also sometimes second-guess their decisions. The gravity of making choices about how many kids to have often causes people to hem and haw, making it all the more important that you don’t go along with what your friends are doing or see their choices as necessarily being good for you.

COUNT ON FLIP-FLOPPING

Your reasons and pros and cons for adding to your family—or not—may change frequently. The one thing most of us can count on is flip-flopping. Those sometimes-unrecognized influences, like spotty memories of your childhood experiences, can have us leaning in one direction today and the other tomorrow.

Parents of one, Frank, 40, and his wife Rebecca initially wanted three or four children, but they go back and forth. “Every time we think we should have a second child, we get worldly reminders and realize we would have to take time off work, our family support network is small, and raising a baby is hard,” Frank says. “Our child is a toddler, the chaos is not over. We revisit this conversation at least once a week to see if our feelings have changed on stopping at one child.”

You may have to face some feelings and truths that are uncomfortable or disheartening. With each encounter, you will get closer to recognizing what you want. Don’t be surprised if deciding on family size is ever-changing given how many factors can sway this decision.

Oh, the lucky ones who know exactly what they want! A research team in Zurich looked at how people make decisions about food products. Although having a child is scarcely a grocery store decision, their findings can help you feel confident about your choice to add to your family or not. “Some decisions intuitively feel right, while others leave us feeling doubtful and may even cause us to revise our initial choice,” the researchers note. “Decisions feel right to us if we have compared the options as attentively as possible—and if we are conscious of having done so.”⁶

A HAPPY BRAIN CAN FOOL YOU

You might think you’re making a rational decision about your family based on your wants, needs, lifestyle, and other factors that you feel are most relevant to that choice. Stay alert to those silent influences like confirmation bias, collective thinking, and friends who say nothing and could influence your thinking anyway.

What gets in the way of sound decisions is what David DiSalvo, author of What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, calls “neuro-imprinting” that comes primarily from group trust and stereotyping. When we’re on the fence about having one child, the antiquated, firmly implanted stigma of the lonely, spoiled only child can color decision-making. “Neuro-science research has identified neural structures in our brains correlating to our social biases—so there is worthy evidence that social bias is, at least to some degree, wired into our noggins,” DiSalvo explains.⁷

It could be that your “happy brain” envisions your offspring sticking up for each other or giggling in their shared bedroom. That picture may undermine your best interests. “Be aware of the influence your preexisting beliefs are exerting on your current thinking,” DiSalvo advises.⁸

Is your brain undermining your best interests? Laurie Santos, a psychology professor at Yale University, has devoted her career to the study of happiness. She doubles down on what DiSalvo believes. “Our minds like to tell us about what will make us happy,” she warns. She labels wanting something like money or a better job or relationship as “mis-wanting.” “Many things we want will not make us as happy in the future as we think.”⁹

Being aware of biases and a brain that can fool you is a good first step in the decision-making process. In his book The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad, the comedian Mike Birbiglia did well summing up the experience of people thinking about having babies: “In movies and plays it’s always a moment that determines a major life decision, but in life, it’s more fluid—a series of moments that form an evolution.”¹⁰

As you work toward making your key life choice, personal and emotional pulls are poised to compound and perpetuate indecision.

CHAPTER THREE

An Emotional Tug-of-War

“Every time I hear about someone else’s pregnancy, it feels like a stab to my heart.”

—LOGAN, 39

Decisions, especially ones about bringing children into the world, are wrought with emotion. One day you may be wrestling with infertility; another, your only child asks for a sibling or your partner changes his mind. Try as you might to be sensible, you can’t ignore how you feel. Much can happen to cause the pendulum to swing back and forth and cast doubt on what you hoped would be a smart, rational decision.

In a guest post on my website, Ashleigh Wallace wrote about her confusion over giving her child a sibling. “My head became a washing machine of conflicting thoughts being tossed around. Sometimes I wanted another child—I would get excited making name lists for our next baby, imagine my daughter coming to the scans, hearing the heartbeat, meeting her new baby brother or sister for the first time. And then just like that, I’d wake up the next morning in fear, grateful it wasn’t the small window in that month a baby could be conceived.”

Your dilemma can be complicated by a partner who has strong views on expanding your family. In the best of all worlds, the question of how many children you want to have is settled before or shortly after your firstborn arrives.

You could be lucky on this score and avoid any major blows to happiness in your partnership. Chris and Elena made the one-child decision long before they got around to trying to become pregnant. Together for many years, they’ve decided it’s time to have a baby. She’s 38, Chris is 39, and they’re united in how many children to have. “It was a long road to get us to want a child. We are definitely having only one—we are both only children,” Chris says.

Sheetal thinks that having a spouse who is supportive of the choice to have one child avoids a lot of emotional turmoil. She believes that “putting trust in the decision that one child is the right choice for you eliminates a lot of guilt.”

For all the couples who agree on how many children they want, many others reach an impasse. It can be a dicey proposition trying to change a partner’s mind. Your heart could ache for another child and your partner’s might not. When the topic of another child comes up, a stark division you hadn’t noticed before may become apparent.

Derlin was the primary caregiver for his daughter while his wife finished her schooling, and after years of sleepless nights, he didn’t want a second child. Before he and Elizabeth got married 14 years ago and early on in their marriage, they talked about having two kids. They both have siblings, and Elizabeth favors the idea of having another child. Derlin is resolute that he does not. “My wife keeps saying she wants another kid and I say no. It is straining our marriage,” he tells me.

When I spoke with Derlin’s wife Elizabeth, my first question was, how many children did you think you wanted? “I always wanted lots of children—at least two,” she says.

What changed your mind? I ask. “Nothing changed my mind. . . . My husband is not on the same page. We’re pretty good about talking about it, but it’s a cycle and gets tabled because we are at opposite ends. There’s this constant undercurrent of tension between us.”

Elizabeth is 40 and their daughter is 10. The 10-year gap between Elizabeth and her own sibling makes having a second child at this point seem plausible to her.

Todd and his wife Anita, both successful company executives, are stuck. She wants a sibling for their 21/2-year-old and he doesn’t. “I feel it would be a sacrifice to have another child. I like our life the way it is,” he admits. Todd sees the situation as a cycle of negativity if they don’t have the second child she desperately wants. He envisions their struggle will drain the joy out of their marriage, and the seeds of resentment will grow and be too much to save their union.

Even after a couple comes to a decision about family size, it’s always possible that one or both partners will have a change of heart. Colleen was surprised by how much her wife Isabella loved having a daughter, yet she worries that the grueling and extensive IVF treatments needed to have the second child she wants will, in Colleen’s words, lead to “Isabella divorcing me and us having to share custody of our 4-year-old.” Nonetheless Colleen persists in her quest. “It isn’t that I want a sibling for my child; the baby is for me. I love that baby phase and miss it and am not ready to be done. I love being a mother and our daughter is getting older, more independent, and doesn’t need us as much.”

Forty-one-year-old Madeline and her partner make their relationship the priority when evaluating how many children they want to have. She feels there’s a societal expectation to have more than one child, but that doesn’t change the conversations she and her partner have. “When my friends talk about having another, it doesn’t come up for my husband and me. I’m sensitive to that thinking because I am an only child, and I didn’t think I would have just one child. What is most important for us is to evaluate our marriage and keep it in the forefront. The biggest thing is being very committed to our marriage.”

Lily, 43, attributes much of her marital happiness to she and her husband agreeing. “My career was my priority, and my husband was content with whatever I decided about having children. After eight years of marriage, I understood that he would be an incredible father and that flipped me to the other side,” she says. “After trying to become pregnant without any medical intervention, we agreed together to do one round of IVF. If it worked, great; if not, we would talk about adopting. We were lucky and got a genetically sound embryo and have a dazzling 1-year-old. It wasn’t an easy path through IVF, we managed and are overjoyed . . . but, done.”

THE INFERTILITY JOURNEY

While we marvel at women who have no difficulty becoming pregnant and deliver baby after baby, that’s not always in the cards for those who envision having a child or several children.

A large family was exactly what Jacquie wanted. She and her partner tried from ages 33 to 36 to become pregnant before turning to IVF—with a successful outcome. When they wanted another child, she says it was a completely different story. “We tried again with IVF to no avail.”

If you vacillate between “one is perfect” and “I want another child,” infertility can become an obstacle, but IVF can be your answer. Advances in fertility treatments have helped many women who initially held off on having a first or desire a second child.

Louise Brown, the first IVF baby—then called a “test tube baby”—was born in England in 1978. Four years later, Elizabeth Carr, the first IVF baby in the United States, was born; and we’ve seen incredible progress in the field since. That includes the ability to test and select the most viable embryos for transfer and uterine transplants that allow women who otherwise couldn’t carry and deliver their own babies to do so. The legalization of surrogates for parents who can’t or choose not to for health reasons is another hugely significant and positive gain that’s expanded reproductive options.

Hailey, barely 40 and newly married, had a heart attack before she was able to conceive and was told that carrying a baby to term might kill her. She and her husband found a surrogate who was impregnated with an embryo using Hailey’s harvested egg and her husband’s sperm.

After three years of trying to become pregnant, Nancy, a single woman wanting a child at age 41, carried her genetically unrelated child to term and delivery. “I tried for a long time with sperm donors and my own eggs. My doctor finally had to give me tough love and announced that she was 120 percent sure my egg quality was the problem. That was very hard to accept, and I decided a donated embryo was the route to motherhood since the child wasn’t going to be related to me anyway given my inferior eggs.”

These accounts are not terribly unusual. More than a third of people in the US have either used some form of assisted reproductive technology (IUI, IVF, surrogates, egg donors, sperm donors) or know someone who has, according to the Pew Research Center. The number rises among those with a college degree to 43 percent, and to 48 percent among those who earn over $75,000 a year.¹

For couples who can’t conceive, the sadness is immeasurable. Failed fertility treatments and miscarriages are devastating. However much a person or couple may want that first or second child, sometimes it doesn’t happen.

Logan, 39, and his partner Molly, 43, are on their fourth round of IVF treatment and deeply discouraged. “The process is so difficult. Every time I hear about someone else’s pregnancy, it feels like a stab to my heart,” Logan says. “With each unsuccessful attempt, we feel more frustrated and defeated.”

Set on having a second child, Colleen, 40, is on her sixth round of IVF despite her partner being unenthusiastic. She is tenacious but disheartened. “I cycle between focusing on work and completely collapsing into tears of grief.” She says during the day she can muscle through work, but at night she’s a mess again. With each cycle, “I’ll hope this one is the lucky one,” she says. She’s also realistic. “I can’t keep doing IVF cycles indefinitely. They are super expensive.”

Juliet was 43 when she gave birth to her son and makes it clear that the expense of infertility treatments kept her from giving her child a sibling. “When I was younger, I thought two was my number. As I got older, I worried about my fertility,” she says. “To have a baby took two costly rounds of IVF, and they were not covered by my insurance. We felt fortunate to have a healthy child. We agreed to call it quits. We decided not to tempt the fates anymore.”

Waiting until she was older didn’t deter Judith, 50, a cellist with a major US orchestra. Once she decided she wanted a child, she turned to every conceivable treatment and alternative therapy, including ones not normally thought to affect pregnancy like acupuncture and testing for digestive disorders. She had her endometrial function checked and went through four rounds of IVF. “I’m stubborn,” she says. “I wasn’t going to give up.” She gave birth to her daughter at age 47 and makes no apologies for not having more children. “We spent five years and $180,000 on testing and procedures. We even used money I inherited from my grandmother. My daughter will have to get a scholarship for college. We spent that money trying to have her.”

IVF comes with a daunting price tag, a single cycle costing between $15,000 and $30,000. Other expenses related to medications, genetic screenings, lab tests, and additional procedures can drive the price up further, and most insurance or employer health plans do not cover the cost, although as mentioned, more are beginning to.

The cost, the toll of enduring the physical demands of infertility drugs, aging out, and the crushing disappointment of failed attempts can stop the quest for another child. Most in that situation come to a stark and happy realization that having one child comes with more than enough happiness to compensate for the initial difficulties and disappointment.

KNOWING YOURSELF DECISIONS

It also happens that one difficult pregnancy or delivery can put an end to the idea of having a second child. For Ava, even entertaining the idea of a second child was too much. She has lots of company among women who feel as she does. She had her son 10 years ago at age 32, but her recollections remain sharp. “I hated being pregnant and was sick the entire time; I threw up throughout the pregnancy. I was in a labor for 29 hours and then had terrible postpartum depression. I was finished. And the damage to my body put me in pelvic floor rehab for years.”

Being aware of potential problems convinced Mayume to be cautious and guard her mental health. When her husband mentioned to friends that they might have another, she did a double take. “Gun-shy after my daughter was born, I was fearful of pregnancy. I had had severe postpartum depression and felt it would be irresponsible to put my kid through that. She would have been old enough to recognize that her mother was unhappy.”

Lucinda, who is 40 and has a 3-year-old, did not face fertility problems others have. “I originally felt guilty only having one child when it was so easy for me to get pregnant and carry our daughter,” she says. “I would see how hard friends struggled with reproductive health and the physical and financial sacrifices they made to expand their families. I would ask myself what right I had to decide one was enough and be unwilling to risk another pregnancy. I internalized comments I heard about how the transition to two children is incredibly difficult as judgment of me, even when the comments were not directed at me. I would ask myself, Why am I struggling with childcare and work when others have more on their plate? Three years into being a mommy, I’m confident that one child is the right decision for our family.”

So too is Charolette, 41, whose daughter is 10. “Having one is emotionally less stressful,” she explains. “I have a lot of anxiety and would be more of a basket case with two children. I feel sad for someone who wants another child and can’t have one.”

If you want another child and aren’t sure you’ll be able to have one, be sensitive to the fact that children are keen observers. If you are discontent and struggling with the desire to have another baby, try not to let your child overhear you talking about your disappointment or conflicting feelings about expanding your family. If you do, you run the risk of your singleton feeling as if he or she is not sufficient.

“I WANT A SIBLING”

As sure as you may feel or come to feel about having one child, that child can—with a single statement or question—shake your confidence. It’s not unusual for a child to ask for a sibling. It’s a question that can throw a parent off-balance.

The key is to anticipate questions if someone in the family or a friend is pregnant or when your only child enters daycare or preschool and understands that peers have brothers and sisters and she doesn’t. Accepting that one child is a family, that one is all you need to be happy, makes it easier to react to your child’s inquiries.

Most of the parents I spoke with say that children asking for a brother or sister is short-lived. Generally, children stop asking somewhere between the ages of 7 and 9. Kayla, 23, is a case in point. She vividly recalls asking for a sibling when she was 7 or 8. “I remember going into my parents’ bedroom and asking for a brother or sister. My dad was amused, but my mom recognized it was a big deal for me. I think I made her feel guilty. At that point, however, she couldn’t have any more children. She would have been 45 or older.”

Because kids ask doesn’t mean that’s what they really want. It may be what they want in that moment—after reading a book featuring siblings, watching a TV show, or spending time at a friend’s house with her siblings. It looks like fun, and it well may be that it is for those children in that family. That doesn’t mean it’s wise for yours.

So how should you respond to an only child’s request for a sibling? You could start by adopting an approach or rationale one of these parents used:

•“When people ask me if my daughter ever asks for a sibling, I tell them honestly, ‘Yes, she asks now and then.’ I tell them she also asks for a donkey, and we are not tying up a donkey in the yard. Having a child is a parent decision; I think parents don’t want to confront their own guilt,” Sally, mother of a 9-year-old, points out.

•“Sometimes, I do feel a trifle guilty,” says Judith. “I know my daughter. She’ll watch a program and the main character has a sister or we read a book with a brother or sister. She asks sometimes, but I know she would have a fit if I actually had a baby. She would be so jealous.”

•In Yvonne’s house, the question comes up every other day. Her 4-year-old daughter wishes she could have a little sister. “She seems envious . . . she talks about how she wants a baby in her stomach. She’ll be an only child, but she’ll never be alone. Friends want to be with her; she’s extremely social. I’m being very honest when I tell her that I can’t have more children.”

•When Francine’s 8-year-old used to ask, “I told her it’s a complicated question. I explained that her resources, in terms of her goods and parental attention, would drop. When she asked was the only time that I noticed her only-child status. She swore she would help. Understand she didn’t even take care of her gerbil. I was distressed by her requests on occasion more because it was something she wanted that I was not going to give her than the fact that I wasn’t having another child.”

•“I think my child is more curious than serious. The few times she has asked, I tell her that she would have to give up her room and share us, to which she replies, ‘Oh, never mind,’” says Akiko, mother of 6-year-old.

•For most children, it’s a stage. Some kids can be fierce and relentless for a while; others never ask. A pet can be the solution, as it was for Neha’s daughter: “When she was young and got her first dog, she said, ‘You finally got me the baby brother I always wanted.’”

•Another mother supported that notion. “It may sound sort of nuts, but I really think having a pet fills the perceived sibling void,” she says.

Not crazy at all. Study after study supports the benefits of dog ownership for children. In one study published in the journal Pediatric Research, a team in Perth, Australia, found that for preschoolers, a third of whom were only children, “having a dog and interacting with it through play and walking may be important mechanisms for facilitating young children’s social-emotional development.”²

My husband and I discovered that our son’s dog, which we gave him when he was in first grade, not only filled his empty time, but also gave him a living being to worry about, take care of, and be kind and gentle toward. The pet gave him someone to snuggle with and boss around as siblings do and taught him about responsibility.

The pet could be a guinea pig, a kitten or cat, a bird, or another animal, within reason—so, donkeys probably excluded—that gives your child something to care for, to love, and to look after and play with. Don’t be surprised if you hear, like Neha’s daughter, your child calling his pet “my brother” or “my sister.”

However you respond, you might luck out and have a child who asks for a sibling once and drops the subject completely. Alternatively, as so many parents were happy to tell me, you may have an only child who never asks for a sibling. If your child asks, it’s likely a phase that will pass.

Jacquie, whose son is 12, looks back: “Yes, my son asked when he was younger. We explained that we had tried hard to have another child and sometimes things don’t work out, even when you try hard. I also told him that people have different types of families and they all should be celebrated; that we are going to be a family of three and that’s pretty cool. Interestingly, now he’s older, he doesn’t ever talk about having a sibling and, in fact, has said he is glad that he doesn’t have one.”

Single mother Diana’s 13-year-old takes a firm no-sibling position. “She has made that very clear. When I was dating a guy who had a daughter, mine said, ‘I hope you don’t get married, I don’t want a sister.’”

Knowing that your child, if he or she asks, will probably stop asking for a brother or sister at a fairly young age may not be enough for you to feel confident that the one-child family is right for you. A sister-inlaw’s or friend’s pregnancy, an offhanded comment from a relative, or a family birthday party with cousins who have siblings can keep you in the undecided column.

It’s fine to be on the fence. But it’s important to explore the issues that may be causing your indecision, such as the pressure you may be putting on yourself or other unspoken expectations. A look beyond the emotional tugs at life’s practicalities might move you off the fence and help you better determine what would make you content.

CHAPTER FOUR

Still on the Fence

“Even when we get what we want or think we want, we are not necessarily as happy as we thought we would be.”

—LAURIE SANTOS, YALE UNIVERSITY PSYCHOLOGY PROFESSOR¹

You may be able to overcome the emotional tug-of-war that often comes with making a family size decision, still you wonder: One child? Or two? Considering some of the short- and long-range issues that affect how you live day-to-day could help bring an end to your fence straddling.

A deep dive into the questions below with honest answers injects some realism into your quandary. One question and one answer could change your perspective. If nothing else, these questions will give you a better sense of your situation and a more concrete assessment of what will make you content.

•How will your life change if you have a second child?

•Will the additional demands and expenses associated with having another child change your lifestyle? How far can you stretch your financial resources?

•Will a second maternity leave impact your work life and career goals? Will you be penalized for taking off a significant amount of time again?

•Mentally review your pregnancy experience and the early months and years with your only child. How difficult or easy were they and what challenges did you face?

•Will your partner be helpful? Was he or she supportive with your first baby?

•What other support is available—childcare, financial, emotional—to help avoid burnout?

•How will another child affect your relationship with your partner?

•What will make you—and what makes parents, especially mothers—happiest?

•How do you envision your life when you are in your 60s or 70s or older, and how does family size factor into this?

It’s easy to doubt yourself. Most women and especially mothers realize how childbearing takes its toll on female identity if you have one child or more and if you work. While women happily welcome motherhood, the impact of a second child can be life-changing all over again.

There is no right or wrong choice here. Having raised my ex-husband’s four children, I say that again with conviction. More and more of child-bearing age are getting over needing to fit the bygone family formula—two parents, two kids. Nonetheless, a nagging feeling that perhaps they should can persist, making it all the more important to recognize status quo expectations for what they are, instead of giving in to them.

“We don’t have to believe everything we think or internalize everything we feel,” emphasizes Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School and the author of Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know. He advises us to “let go of knowledge and opinions that are no longer serving you well. . . .Thinking again can help you generate new solutions.”²

Stella tries to be sensible about key aspects of having a second child. Having one child wasn’t in her plans; she thought she would have two kids. “I can argue both ways,” she says. “It’s difficult to decipher what are external factors and what I want. My challenge is not knowing what I really want; it’s not a hard NO or yes.”

Stella’s hesitation centers around the demands of being a doctor, a job that she adores. “My schedule is extremely unpredictable, which makes it very hard with kids, even one. Complicating my impasse, among my colleagues and friends I alone have one child. It’s hard to know what to give the most weight to. People tell me I will regret not having another. I don’t fully agree.”

“Another factor I consider with having an only is that I can commit to more quality time with my daughter, and having a second would make it very challenging to give that kind of attention to both kids,” Stella adds.

Claudia Goldin, economics professor at Harvard University, echoes Stella’s point. “Time is the great equalizer. We all have the same amount and must make difficult choices in its allocation,” she notes. “The fundamental problem for women trying to attain the balance of a successful career and a joyful family are time conflicts.”³

Your reason for not having another child could also hinge on sticking with a job you love, wanting and waiting for a promotion, or needing the money your employment provides. Taking all these factors into consideration can at once broaden and jumble your thinking. Most women today work to support their families partially or fully, so their income is essential to the family’s well-being and survival.

That is as true today as it was almost six decades ago when Jessica, 59, was born, and it is the reason she is an only child. “When my father saw how much work a baby was, he left. Like so many single mothers today, my mother knew that she had to work to support us,” she says. “Money was always an issue in my family.”

The economics in your family may supersede thoughts of a larger family. Unfortunately, there’s no getting around the fact that motherhood, partnered or single, carries a penalty in terms of slowing your career both monetarily and in terms of the potential for advancement. Doubling up on the number of children can magnify those problems despite women’s many gains in education and in the workforce.

THE MOTHERHOOD PENALTY

Where women already face a stubborn pay gap that’s barely budged in two decades, mothers in the workforce have it even tougher. That’s a reality not only in the United States but also around the world and varies between countries and even between states in the US.⁴

“There is a glass ceiling in Germany, but it’s not a glass ceiling for women, it’s a glass ceiling for women with children,” noted the country’s family minister, Ursula von der Leyen, years ago when she held the appointed position.⁵

You can see the effects in most countries right from the starting gate—when you’re being hired—and they hold for years. The fallout stretches beyond salary alone. It’s noticeable in attitudes toward female workers and in managers who consciously or unconsciously hang on to long-held stereotypes. As a result, women are held to a higher standard, viewed as less competent than their male counterparts, and encounter increased scrutiny. In sum, “women experience disadvantages at work, including biases in hiring, evaluation, and promotion decisions.”⁶

For mothers, having more babies comes with even greater challenges in pay and perceptions of commitment to the job and competence, possibly making your job one of “the deciders” to stop after one child. Looking at earnings alone, the loss of income is significant and ranges between 4 and 15 percent per child when compared with childless women and men who are equally qualified, reports Michelle Budig, sociology professor at the University of Massachusetts–Amherst, who led a massive study involving some 68,000 women in 22 countries.⁷

Budig clarifies the situation further by looking at the wage gap between mothers and fathers. She concludes that while mothers are penalized, fathers see a salary bonus when they become parents. That bonus is especially evident for men in top-tier positions, and women in top-level jobs are less likely to be harmed financially. Essentially men benefit from being fathers, but “each child costs women.”⁸

Let’s face it: Stereotypical biases against mothers in the work world are long-standing and difficult to eradicate. If you want or need to work and are hoping to rise within your organization, ponder the barriers for working mothers. With the arrival of baby No. 1 or 2, employment advantages seem to tilt in favor of childless women and dads. The research is clear—being a father benefits dads, their children, and their organizations.

These inequities arise at home, too. While men tend to be viewed favorably in the workplace when they become fathers and are commonly seen as breadwinners, women face a “motherhood penalty” and are viewed as caregivers. The difference is that when men strike some sort of work-life balance, it’s frequently viewed as a positive; when women do it, there’s often concern that they’re not committed enough to their work (or fear being viewed that way).

The perception that home life and men’s participation has changed significantly is also largely fiction. Men do more than dads did a decade or two ago, but women bear the brunt. At least now fathers admit that they would like to spend more time with their children. Despite the frustrating push and pull between work obligations and a desire to be with their children, both mothers and fathers enjoy being parents. There is a difference in how each experiences his or her parental role and time spent with their children. Unsurprisingly, more than half of mothers—who already tend to spend a lot of time with their children—don’t feel that they want to spend more time with them.⁹ Still, that doesn’t change the day-to-day calculus.

CHILDCARE: A DOSE OF REALISM

The late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who fought fiercely for women’s rights, was steadfast in her belief that women and men should have an equal stake in raising kids. This, she was quick to point out, is integral to ensure gender equality.

“Women will have achieved true equality when men share with them the responsibility of bringing up the next generation,” she said many times.¹⁰

“Justice Ginsburg was before her time,” Dr. Julie Graves, the family medicine and public health physician, points out. “RBG often spoke about her experience balancing law school and teaching while raising her children.” Having a supportive husband allowed, in part, for Justice Ginsburg’s extraordinary success.

The pandemic brought the differences in responsibility at home into sharper focus. Even though men stepped up, it’s more likely the old play-book will prevail in most households with children. Mothers and fathers of school-age kids had to adjust to helping children with e-learning. Research that evaluated changes in parents’ work hours resulting from increased caregiving responsibilities found women to be disproportionately affected. When schools and daycares closed because of COVID-19, mothers with young children reduced their work hours at four to five times the rate of fathers.¹¹

Few will argue that men helped more than usual during the pandemic. Will their participation last? “Even when progress is reported, the progress is slow and doesn’t convince us that we will eventually reach equality,” Francine Deutsch and Ruth Gaunt write in their book, Gender Equality at Home.¹²

One sign that change could last comes through in the data on dads who take paternity leave. This group is more likely to be engaged with their children, and they take on more childcare and housekeeping responsibilities. Children of these fathers are also more likely to perceive increased parent-child closeness.¹³

Contrary to what you may think, however, having an involved partner with your firstborn could make it less likely you have a second child. When Spain introduced paid paternity leave, the fathers who took it and were active caregivers for their newborns wanted fewer children, and if they had more children, they took longer to have them—six years or more. The researchers surmise the change of heart was caused by their “increased involvement in childcare” and resulting considerations from that, such as the costs associated with raising a child.¹⁴

Hoping your partner will equitably share in early childcare and be involved throughout a child’s growing-up years may be unrealistic, particularly if both spouses work full-time. Generally, moms do more planning and cope with more emotional stress. “The fundamental time constraint is to negotiate who will be on call at home—that is, who will leave the office and be at home in a pinch,” states Claudia Goldin, the economist at Harvard University.¹⁵

Among the parents I spoke with, fathers’ help was a mixed bag—some didn’t do much, others were super involved from day one. Because men tend to take minimal paternity leaves, their participation can be short-lived. Partners who were actively involved with their children during the pandemic want to stay involved.¹⁶

Fredda’s spouse changed diapers because she couldn’t move after her C-section, and he has been very involved in their now 10-year-old’s care ever since.

Rachael, the mother of an adult son, looks back: “We raised our boy completely together at every age and through every stage. The first night home from the hospital, my husband was walking around with our newborn. He was the greatest father ever. I nursed a million hours a day and he did everything else. That’s what made having a child possible at least for me. And later, because we both work, our son was in daycare from the time he was 11 months old.”

Childcare is fragile whatever way you piece it together. The absence of affordable, quality childcare is a consideration that makes the decision to have another child doubly difficult for the career-minded.

Childcare options are limited in the US and elsewhere. Government assistance is nonexistent in many countries. In Tokyo, for instance, more than 5,400 children, nearly 30 percent of the nation’s total, are seeking elusive spots at daycare centers in the city.¹⁷

Think about what happens when daycare arrangements collapse, because, on occasion, they will. Consider your support system and make a credible estimate of people in your friend and family circles that you can call upon. When Rebecca and her husband Frank were thinking about having a second child, she recalled expecting a tribe of five grandparents to pitch in when they needed a hand with their first baby. “What were we thinking?” she wonders. “They didn’t help and we had to rely on ourselves.”

MOTHERS OF ONE ARE HAPPIEST

Maybe you believe that a second child will make you happy. That’s difficult to predict. “We are bad at forecasting our happiness over time and especially in light of social pressure,” explains Laurie Santos, PhD, dubbed the “happiness professor” at Yale University. “Most of us make social comparisons and we are very good at selecting the one comparison that makes us feel terrible.” That might be your best friend who has three children and manages her job and her kids effortlessly—or so it seems to you.

“Even when we get what we want or think we want, we are not necessarily as happy as we thought we would be,” Santos says. “Our minds trick us. Natural selection is about getting our genes into babies, but we should prioritize our individual joy and contentment. That’s under our control if we apply some effort.”¹⁸

Making the effort means weighing your reference points, as we’ve been reviewing throughout this chapter—your job or career, your home life and support system, the lifestyle you prefer. Another child is not necessarily your ticket to bliss.

In terms of happiness, a compelling argument for having an only child comes from science and from parents’ actions and observations that strongly indicate that mothers with one child are happiest.

Hans-Peter Kohler, professor of sociology and demography at the University of Pennsylvania, wanted to see the effect of adding children to the family after a firstborn. His research question: Do marriage and children make you happier? What he unearthed in his study of identical twins was that if you want to be happy—that is, enhance your well-being—you should stop after one child. (He studied twins, so he could exclude genetic predispositions and focus on external causes for happiness or misery.)

That’s because child No. 2 or 3 doesn’t necessarily make a parent happier. For mothers, he found, more children appear to make them less happy—although they were happier than childless women. For dads, additional children had no effect on their well-being, and there’s the bonus that dads receive as parents.¹⁹

Kohler speculates that “couples will go on to have a second for reasons other than their own well-being, such as providing a companion for their firstborn. Presumably many will also blithely plan [to have] a second because of the happiness the first brought.”²⁰

That gain diminishes with additional offspring, especially for mothers. Convincing evidence that having a second child may not be the nirvana you seek comes from Leah Ruppanner, who teaches sociology at the University of Melbourne. She and her colleagues reviewed data collected over a period of 16 years from about 20,000 Australian families who entered the study when their children were 1 year old.

Having second children affects parents’ mental health, and that’s not all. “Prior to childbirth, mothers and fathers report similar levels of time pressure. Once the first child is born, time pressure increases for both parents,” Ruppanner concluded. “Yet this effect is substantially larger for mothers than fathers. Second children double parents’ time pressure, further widening the gap between mothers and fathers.” Time pressures and the stress they created didn’t diminish as children got older. Ruppanner’s findings held when children reached adolescence and tend to be more difficult and demanding.²¹

It is these time pressures that help to explain the decline in women’s mental health when they add to their family. Diana, mother of a 13-year-old only child, observes her neighbor with two elementary-school-age children and one teenager. “All she does is go to work, come home, and shuffle her kids from activity to activity,” Diana says. “She doesn’t seem to have a life of her own. I, on the other hand, get to do what I want and give my daughter plenty of time and all the attention she needs.”

One child greatly reduces the pressure of juggling packed schedules. You only have to think about one dependent’s commitments, games, and performances that a parent wants to attend in support of a child. The time crunch starts much earlier.

The popular website Scary Mommy tells it like it is when you have a newborn with a toddler: “The truth is, when you bring a new baby home and have a toddler (or a few) at home, you are often a disaster for a good, long while. . . ., You want (and need) help but can barely wrap your head around what you want much less find the time to ask for it.”²²

For many, striking a balance between having a family and minimizing the added strain on a marriage and mental health, as well as reducing time pressures, means having one child. “If you want to maximize your subjective well-being, you should stop after the first kid,” says Hans-Peter Kohler at the University of Pennsylvania. Having one child can provide life satisfaction, meaning, and purpose—the key elements of happiness—while minimizing the pressures associated with raising kids.²³

ONE AND DONE

The number of children that people think will make them happiest fluctuates. Some say one or two, others say three, and still others favor four or more. The parents I spoke with feel genuinely happy, that one child is perfect for them, often for very practical reasons.

Kenneth, part of an only-child dynasty and father of a 6-year-old only child, says most of his friends have two children. He doesn’t feel that makes sense for his family. “With another child, our house would get tight and one of us would have to give up our career, most likely my wife,” he says.

You could simply conclude that a second child is simply not right for you, that one more tiny human to raise may unravel your work-family balance or the intimacy you have with your partner. Acknowledging your limitations and desires for yourself is also helpful. Having self-awareness can help you decide, Francine attests. “I know myself; I’m a lazy, disorganized person who could not manage a large family,” she confesses. “I know that about me.”

Having one child may be a sterling compromise, even if you initially thought otherwise. Fewer and fewer feel having two children is the standard, and more and more don’t feel the need to reconcile or justify having an only child.

Ingrid took the pressure off herself when she accepted that she didn’t have the fortitude to face infertility drugs or the possible sadness of another miscarriage. She realized that she needed to start focusing on her career ASAP—or “it’s very likely I’ll lose momentum.”

These six mothers had their own telling reasons for being “one and done”:

•“There were other things I wanted in life—writing, freelancing, travel, sex, friendships, me—and I knew kids would detract from that.”

•“We had one child easily, then we tried and tried for five years to get another. I started to feel more annoyed about the money wasted on fertility treatments than the fact we weren’t getting a baby. I started to imagine our life—just us—and I felt so bloody happy and content.”

•“I knew that my mental health could not sustain another stint of this [having another child], so we made the decision to stop at one.”

•“We are financially secure with one child, and can afford the things we want to do, but two kids would push us over the edge.”

•“I decided to have one child for a number of reasons: One was environmental impact. Another was money and lifestyle. We love to travel and go places around our city and would not be able to with two children.”

•“Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be ‘one and done.’ I’m from a family of five kids and have longed to be a mum all my life. Now that my son is here in all his perfect gorgeousness, I feel so content being his mum and would be totally happy not to have any more children.”²⁴

Many parents opting to start a family later feel blessed to have one child, as Chris’s parents did. “My parents didn’t intend to have one child; they had a stillborn before me and felt lucky that I was fine. They decided not to push their good fortune. They stopped after me.”

You don’t need a reason—practical or otherwise—for wanting to raise one child, and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, though it may feel that way every now and then. That’s something Ashleigh Wallace, mother of a 4-year-old, struggled with. Because she didn’t have a valid reason for having only one, she feared everyone would think she was selfish.

“Recognizing my fear of how I was perceived by others was a pivotal moment in realizing what I truly wanted, rather than what society told me I should want,” she says. “I ultimately knew that my one child was perfect for me, for my family, and she was enough. Being the parent of one child, I was enough.”

PART II

THE ART AND SCIENCE OF RAISING ONE CHILD

CHAPTER FIVE

The Fall of Only-Child Stereotypes

“We all trade in stereotypes and scripts all the time, using them as efficient shortcuts to conserve time and mental energy. But . . . they can skew our judgment.”

—WRAY HERBERT, AUTHOR OF ON SECOND THOUGHT: OUTSMARTING YOUR MIND’S HARD-WIRED HABITS¹

For all the talk we hear today about freedom of choice, we can’t seem to leave parents’ decisions about family alone. Instead, the polarization that has gripped our modern society is at play here, too, engendering opinions that can be hurtful and encroach on the autonomy of parents.

Four decades after I began studying only children, I still occasionally have to shoot down the stereotypes about singletons, which have long since been obliterated by science. Fortunately, far fewer people give credence to baseless characterizations, but like me, only children and their parents do encounter them from time to time.

Shannon, 38, recalls being at dinner with a group when a pregnant woman she had never met delivered such an offhand slight. “I’ll definitely have another,” the woman blurted out, having no idea Shannon was an only child. “I don’t want one of those weird only children.”

Be it the conversation centered on breastfeeding or time-outs, parents face no shortage of strong and even harsh opinions that are usually based on unrealistic expectations and misconceptions. You may run into some stragglers, as Shannon did, who simply haven’t gotten the message: Only children are no stranger or different than kids with siblings.

Most of us cling to one stereotype or another. Unintentionally, we may hold on to stereotypes about race, firstborn or middle children, single women, childless women, gender, or older people. The teen years come with their own set of stereotypes. We expect adolescents to rebel and be irresponsible or difficult, for example.

Like only-child stereotypes, ageism is “so ingrained in our culture that we often don’t even notice. . . . The attitudes that underlie age bias are often rooted in falsehoods.”²

The same could be said of gender stereotypes. Researchers have found that girls as young as 6 associate a high level of intellectual ability, such as brilliance or genius, with men more than women.³

The reality is that no person of any age, background, family makeup, or life stage neatly fits our preconceived stereotypes. Criticism cuts both ways. Today, for example, larger families face the kind of censure that was once reserved for only children and their parents. I and others questioned the Duggars, the family starring in the reality TV show 19 and Counting. When their 19th child was born, I wrote an article asking, “When Will the Duggars Stop?”⁴

The Duggars are an extreme example when it comes to family size. Having a conversation about family size, and bringing attention to it, takes great care. Parents and researchers alike who try to make definitive statements about the implications of being an only child or having siblings risk offending and reinforcing stereotypes.

PASSING JUDGMENT

The original culprit of demeaning messages about only children, psychologist G. Stanley Hall, conducted a study in 1896 that was flawed on many levels. His study of “peculiar and exceptional children” concluded that only children were bossy, lonely, and selfish and had more imaginary friends. As a result of his findings, he declared being an only child was essentially “a disease in itself.”

At the time, children were needed to meet farming demands and families were generally more isolated, so kids had fewer opportunities to socialize outside the home. Once machinery took over the plowing, planting, and harvesting of crops, children, including those who didn’t have siblings, had more time to spend with peers. Nonetheless, the derogatory labels lingered as Hall’s disciples came to similar conclusions about only children. For many years, a wide range of researchers conducted obscure investigations on everything from feeding difficulties to delinquency and runaway boys.⁵

Under Hall’s tutelage in the late 1890s, E. W. Bohannon at Clark University asked 381 children a multitude of questions and concluded: (1) Only children are unmistakably below the average in health and vitality. (2) Nervous and physical disorders seem to be unusually common in the families. (3) The children appear to enter school later, and to be less regular in attendance.⁶

Taking these negative traits together, a new fictitious malady emerged: “only child syndrome.” The underlying assertion and assumption was that those who grew up without siblings were doomed to take on undesirable traits, like being jealous, selfish, egotistical, dependent, aggressive, and more. Better-designed studies punched gaping holes in the research conducted by Hall, Bohannon, and Hall’s other followers, finding that only children fare at least as well as children who have brothers and sisters.

One early researcher’s investigation and results from a large study comparing a clinical population with “non-problem children” disputed the prevailing thinking at the time. “The distribution of children’s behavior problems appears to be for the most part independent of size of family,” that study, published in 1931, concluded.⁷

Then a 1934 study titled “The Personality Adjustments of Only Children,” which reviewed many previous studies focused on the impact of being a singleton, came to a similar conclusion: “‘Onliness’ per se is not the environmental specter so widely assumed. Whatever role the mere presence or absence of siblings may play in the development of personality, its importance is certainly not crucial.”⁸

Much later, a researcher who has extensively studied birth order, Frank Sulloway, joined the legions of others whose work eroded early only-child stereotypes. “Contrary to psychological folklore, only children do not appear to be less sociable or more neurotic than other children,” he wrote.⁹

But Hall’s negative labels and fallacies stuck. It is, after all, a lot easier to label a group than to look at people individually. In an op-ed for the New York Times titled “Your Brain Lies to You,” Sam Wang, a professor of neuroscience at Princeton University, and Sandra Aamodt, a neuroscientist, explain why. “If their message is initially memorable, its impression will persist long after it is debunked,” they point out.¹⁰

Toni Falbo, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, concurs. Her groundbreaking research spanning decades has helped set the record straight on only children. “I think the belief in the ‘lonely-only,’ or the ‘maladjusted-only,’ persists because of the stereotypes,” Falbo told the Christian Science Monitor. “Stereotypes are something that seem to make sense in people’s thinking. They’ve been around for thousands of years, and there’s the benefit of thinking that all couples should have children, and that’s plural.”¹¹

STEREOTYPE WHIPLASH

Changing how a culture thinks is difficult. Over time, it’s possible. China’s long-held preference for boys, once referred to as “little emperors,” spotlights how attitudes can shift. Parents don’t feel overwhelming pressure to have boys, or that having a girl is undesirable, in a country that has long revered male offspring.

Lihong Shi, associate professor of anthropology at Case Western Reserve University, calls it “a tectonic shift in the country’s reproductive preferences and gender dynamics. Parents no longer think of girls as wasteful ‘splashed water,’ as one traditional adage would have it. Instead, a number of villagers stopped trying to have a boy. They quote a very different maxim: ‘A daughter is like a little quilted vest, warming her parents’ hearts.’”¹²

A parallel swing can be seen in the dramatically changed views of only children. Studies spanning the past century have eviscerated stubborn stereotypes.

By the 1970s, scholars conducted larger and far better designed studies and analyses that undercut those early studies and deeply flawed findings from Hall and his disciples. In 1977, Toni Falbo did an in-depth analysis, which found “the popular misconception of only children as selfish, lonely, or maladjusted is not supported.”¹³

A decade later, in a review of more than a hundred related studies, Falbo reinforced her earlier findings. She noted that “across all developmental outcomes, only children were indistinguishable from firstborns and people from small families.” In the years since, she’s only found more support for her conclusions.¹⁴

Like Falbo, Dr. Judith Blake, a sociologist at the University of California, Berkeley, spent years investigating only children in America, and found much of the bias about only children is mistaken. In the 1980s, she refuted prevailing beliefs that only children are “isolated, less successful and socially clumsy. The performance of only children belies the prejudice,” she wrote, making it clear that “only children have no obvious character or personality defects.”¹⁵

Blake’s pronouncement and all the research supporting it didn’t entirely stop some people from propagating misconceptions about only children. For the most part, perspectives shifted as families have gotten smaller, research has exposed misconceptions about only children, and more people speak out against the stereotypes.

Chris, 39, grew up in the 1980s and ’90s when families were smaller and having one child was becoming more common. “I always knew the myths about only children were out there, but I never thought they applied to me,” he told me. “If I had heard anything like that, I would have brushed it off as being silly.”

Adds only child Amelia, 45: “Sure, I was bullied in school, but it wasn’t about being an only child. It was those things kids are mean about . . . my squeaky voice, my hair, or my size. That sort of thing.”

Some older only children I spoke with who became parents of one have made a conscious effort to debunk stereotypes or protect only children from those misconceptions. That’s becoming easier to do, as many parents noted that a change in attitudes has kept onlies today from experiencing the same kind of negativity they did. “I always experienced being different, but my 18-year-old daughter hasn’t faced that at all,” Beatrice, 51, said.

Stereotypes, like old habits, die hard, and a few scholars have even continued the quest to find some sort of inherent deficiency in only children. Dissenting studies have looked at oddball phenomena—that only children had more warts, had more eating disorders, or were more prone to asthma or eczema, and equally bizarre, swallowed more coins (that led to more emergency room visits). It seemed they would evaluate anything to uncover perceived differences between only children and those with siblings. These peculiar studies appear to be grasping at straws, particularly in light of extensive examinations that have already proven Hall and his followers so wrong.

What these studies and past research can’t find is a clear and quantifiable difference or disadvantage for being an only child. In fact, most studies discovered the reverse. That doesn’t stop researchers from trying to find outcomes that are less than positive.¹⁶

Every so often a new study pops up, but rarely gets much traction. For example, a Chinese research team scanned brain images and proposed that only children were less agreeable, but more creative.¹⁷

Another found only children are at greater risk for being overweight in later childhood than children with siblings, possibly because only-child parents are indulgent.¹⁸ That claim seems sketchy given the epidemic of obesity throughout the United States.

Looking at the big picture, study after study has debunked worn-out myths about only children, the very stereotypes that have had incredible staying power. The change in direction—from hesitancy to have one child based on the stigmas to broad acceptance of one-child families—is enough to make one’s head spin.

Contributing to the shift, we have abundant research on singletons from China, where for decades the government capped the number of kids per family at one. The sheer number of one-child families in that country has made research conducted there relevant to only-child families around the world and helped undercut persistent stereotypes.

THE LONELY ONLY CHILD

“Don’t assume your child will feel lonely or be spoiled or selfish or have more imaginary friends,” warns Madeline, 41, an only herself raising a 3-year-old singleton. “The implication is you should be giving your child a sibling to provide interaction that helps children develop important social skills. I’m sensitive to that thinking because I didn’t think I would have just one child.”

Parents have a generalized concern that without siblings an only child will miss the social skills training and camaraderie credited to sibling interaction. Parents have also feared that only children might be lonelier than those from families with multiple kids.

Meg, 43, the mother of an 8-year-old singleton who grew up with three sisters, doesn’t agree. She says her daughter is much happier and more confident and sociable than she was. “I remember so many moments when I felt misunderstood,” she recalls. “I have no doubt that I felt much lonelier and more outcast than my daughter has ever felt.”

The results of a three-pronged study from China amplifies Meg’s feelings. The results showed that in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, “Chinese only children reported lower levels of loneliness than their counterparts with siblings.” This finding has been replicated in other studies and verified by the data collected in my Only Child Research Project.¹⁹

This relative lack of loneliness among only children lasts into adulthood, according to research in the US. Adult only children report having roughly the same number of close friends as those who grew up with siblings and are as satisfied with their social lives today. There is little evidence to suggest the absence of siblings has much bearing on the social lives of only children as adults, according to the survey data.²⁰

“I feel my social and friendship skills were honed at a very early age, because my parents encouraged me to make and bring home friends as soon as I started school,” Megan, 35, says. “I guess it helped that my parents were both very social people with a wide friendship group themselves. I wasn’t lonely.”

Nadine, 54, an adult only child with two only-child parents, was too busy and involved to be lonely as a kid. Her mother kept her engaged with other children through sports—and coached teams she played on—and in community activities. “It felt as if I had all these siblings,” Nadine told me. “They played at our house regularly. If no one was around, I was happy to roller-skate or sit in my room.” The next chapter examines alone time, its benefits, and its connection to creativity.

SPOILED “LITTLE EMPERORS”

Other stereotypes have been more difficult to shake, like the assumption that only children are spoiled or feel entitled.

China’s one-child policy was in effect from 1979 to 2015, and during that period, boys there were frequently referred to as “little emperors.” Many parents worried their only children would grow up to be spoiled. It’s a stereotype that only children, boys and girls, and their families have been battling for a long time, and clearly not only in China.

Laura, 29, bristled when asked if she was spoiled as a child. “Never. My mom made it her job—she was determined—that I was not going to be that spoiled only child,” she says. “People were and are surprised I am an only child. I had two jobs when I was a teenager. My parents made me work for what I wanted. I knew I could ask for something and also knew I had to save for it. If I saved enough, they would give me the rest.”

Laura’s mother Gloria, 65, grew up when the only-child myths were pervasive and accepted as fact where she lived. Although she didn’t buy into them completely, she wanted to make sure her child defied the stereotypes she had heard. “I never wanted her to be the kid everyone said gets everything. That was my main goal. We were strict with Laura and had a lot of rules.”

Growing up, when friends learned that Celeste, 38, was an only child, they would say, “You must be so spoiled,” she recalls. That wasn’t true for her then, or for her only child. “I didn’t have a TV or phone. Spoiled didn’t really apply to me, but I heard it a lot,” she says. “My friends with siblings usually had more things than I did.”

I spoke with Jing Xu, an anthropologist at the University of Washington in Seattle and author of The Good Child: Moral Development in a Chinese Preschool, who spent a year observing 120 Shanghai urban middle-class preschoolers, almost all only children ranging in age from 2 to 6 years old. Chinese parents, she pointed out, were worried that their only child would be spoiled, very self-centered, and selfish because at home they are the center of their parents’ and grandparents’ universe.

“What surprised me,” she said, “was the children were very adaptive and good at fitting in. To that end, they quickly learned the rules of relating to other children, making friends, sharing, and did not act like ‘little emperors.’ The children adopted adult modes of socializing—respecting others and creating their own friendship networks—especially given all the attention and indulgence these only children receive at home.”²¹

Much like Xu’s preschooler and prosocial studies, a German study of more than 1,800 adult only children and their peers with siblings found singleton parents were not raising self-centered only children. The researchers summarized what they found in the title of their study, “The End of a Stereotype: Only Children Are Not More Narcissistic Than People with Siblings.”²²

Another study of more than 6,800 American college students reached parallel conclusions, finding that only children did not have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, nor were they more arrogant than children with siblings or unable to share.²³

Logic often goes out the window when dealing with stereotypes or long-held beliefs. Only children, like all children who want to make and keep friends, understand they can’t be selfish or make everything about themselves, as the youngsters in Dr. Xu’s observations picked up in the preschool environment before China’s one-child policy was discontinued.²⁴

Another group of researchers examined the effect of China’s one-child policy on only children who are now adults. The prevailing myth, “the general wisdom and stereotype of only-children in China being ‘little emperors,’” didn’t hold up.²⁵

Other broad stigmas pinned to only children have also failed to withstand scrutiny—like they’re bossy, shy, or dependent. As with most stereotypes, these traits are more a function of individual personality than of being an only child.

Over the years, only children have contended with the view that they are more dependent than kids with siblings. With adult guidance and in the absence of a sibling, only children learn to be more self-reliant than peers with brothers or sisters, who are often inclusive or step in to be buffers for their siblings. Irrespective of whether children have siblings, some children are more independent. They fill their time easily without parental direction or participation. Others need more help connecting with peers, amusing themselves, and exploring their world.

“When I was younger, I was by myself if my parents were busy. Since they both had jobs, that happened a lot,” Carolyn, 18, told me. “I got used to that over time and learned to be more independent. Probably around first grade, I became comfortable doing my homework and playing by myself.”

IN THE COMPANY OF IMAGINARY FRIENDS

Without research to back the claim, it’s long been thought that only children must have more make-believe pals than their peers with siblings. It’s a position based on another assumption: that kids who don’t have siblings must spend too much time by themselves. The reality is that having imaginary friends is more like a rite of passage for the majority of children, not the sole province—or specialty—of singletons.

Marjorie Taylor, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Oregon and author of Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them, found that roughly 65 percent of all young children have fantasy friends. The arrival of pretend pals tends to coincide with children’s developing imaginations.

Imaginary friends help young children learn about their environment, work out problems, and manage challenging life changes such as a family relocation, the birth of a sibling, or a divorce. They can even help kids get along with others and make new friends in real life, while serving as an outlet for feelings they don’t understand or can’t express in other ways.²⁶

A small study limited to only children addressed the role of imaginary companions in the lives of preschool and primary school children, ages 6 to 9. The findings amplified what others have found by demonstrating after interviewing each child that pretend pals can alleviate loneliness by providing companionship, help regulate emotions, promote creativity, and warn parents of a child’s need or problem.²⁷

Far from being a cause for concern, imaginary friends are a widely used adaptation tool. “It’s about time we did away with the feeling that these children are in the minority or have any kind of mental health problems,” writes Dr. Karen Majors, an educational psychologist at the Institute of Education at University College London and a contributor to the parenting magazine Nursery World. “Pretend play helps them use their imagination to explore things that are important to them or to help themselves feel better about something. This is all good for their cognitive, emotional and social development.”²⁸

Imaginary friends can help kids manage their real relationships, practice aspects of social engagement like negotiation, and understand emotions and behaviors so they can better grasp their own feelings and connect with their peers. Parents should take comfort in knowing that research shows having imaginary friends is a normal part of development for many children, irrespective of whether they have siblings.

To believe that only children are destined to be lonely, selfish, dependent, or maladjusted or that “only child syndrome” has any concrete basis is to disregard the mountain of scientific evidence that proves otherwise. You can safely file the stubborn stigmas and labels under “fake news.”

Robin has done exactly that. She fiercely defends her son and only children. “The stereotypes and stigmas are not true,” she says firmly. “Not at all. At 11, my son is not a loner; he’s grounded and not going to have problems in life. He’s refuted, repudiated [and] rebuffed the stereotypes. No one will be able to pick him out in a lineup of kids who have siblings and kids who don’t. If you do a great job raising your kid, siblings should not matter.”

Like their offspring, parents of one have been judged harshly and unfairly in the past. A common only-child parent stereotype is that parents of one are overindulgent and overprotective.

A study looked at how parents responded to a child’s illness and if only-child parents were more protective or likely to keep their child home from school when the child complained of stomach pain. The result: “Parents of only children were more likely to minimize their children’s gastrointestinal symptoms than were parents of children with at least one sibling” and only children were less likely to be absent.²⁹

Name most any entrenched only-child stereotype—lonely, spoiled, entitled, bossy—and it has been discredited handily. That doesn’t mean doubts or concerns won’t pop up.

CHAPTER SIX

The Things You Worry About

“Don’t give in to the temptation to overschedule.”

—LEONARD SAX, MD, PHD, THE COLLAPSE OF PARENTING¹

We have moved beyond only children and their parents being objects of curiosity, scrutiny, and criticism to only children being desirable. Even though only-child stereotypes are a thing of the past, most parents still have questions.

From time to time parents worry about their child’s overall development, friendships, activities, health and diet, schoolwork, sleep patterns, and electronic device habits, and that’s barely scratching the surface. However, certain misgivings remain unique to the one-child family. Among those are fears that the only child spends too much time alone or is missing out on the companionship a sibling might provide and other perceived (and at times exaggerated) advantages of having a sibling in the house.

Parents of only children can spend a lot of time ruminating over what might be missing in their child’s life and not fully appreciate the bonuses of their small family dynamic. Scrutinizing these concerns will help you see that what’s keeping you up at night has little to do with your child’s sibling-less status, and more to do with the travails of childhood and your efforts to be a model parent.

Kids who don’t have siblings unquestionably have more solitary time.

Many moms of one say they were their child’s primary playmate, especially in the very early years. As children grow, parents of one wonder if it’s less than ideal for their child to play alone. At no time was this time-alone concern more prominent than during the pandemic lockdown.

The COVID-19 quarantine highlighted an illusion parents of one live under: They are or should be their child’s full-time playmate for most age groups. If there is any validity to this position, it is when only children are very young—during the crawling and pre-toddler stages. Even then, parental involvement in playtime is more valuable when measured.

Parents of one (and all parents for that matter) best serve their child not by being a full-time entertainer, but by showing their child how to fill empty time starting in toddlerhood. Learning to utilize alone time helps only children throughout their lives, particularly in building resilience and independence, a topic that we’ll explore in depth a bit later. When parents model alone time, such as reading a book, meditating, or exercising solo, and explain the benefits, they can help a child get the most from spending time on their own.

The lockdown, which left many people spending excessive time alone, provided reassuring news for parents of only children. Given their vast experience with self-entertainment, only children were generally at an advantage and did fine during the pandemic—or at least as well as their peers with siblings—since they were used to having alone time and were able to fill it on their own.

Certainly, Amelia, an only child in her mid-40s, felt ready for COVID. “I prepped for this pandemic my entire life,” she chuckles.

BOREDOM: A BLESSING IN DISGUISE

Differing from what you may intuitively think, boredom—that space which allows your mind to wander—can be extremely useful. Manoush Zomorodi, creator of the WNYC podcast Note to Self, contends that boredom is important for making our lives happier, productive, and creative.

Zomorodi’s discoveries center on the time-suck of digital diversion, and she finds benefits in being disengaged. “People who are bored think more creatively than those who aren’t,” Zomorodi writes, adding, “When you are bored, you are, in reality, opening the gateway to feeding, nurturing, and cultivating your thoughts. Your mind needs boredom to do some of its most important work.”²

Experts promoting downtime is nothing new. The late cofounder of Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), Magda Gerber, encouraged parents of young babies to “eliminate discomfort” then let the child “be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner.” In keeping with Gerber’s approach to “observe more, do less, enjoy most,” RIE encourages parents to refrain from unnecessarily interrupting a baby’s downtime. Gerber’s views gained traction far beyond her California base. Clearly, respecting downtime even for the very youngest is a message that resonates with many parents of only children.³

Gerber’s disciple and parenting author Janet Lansbury adds that left to their own devices, babies don’t get bored easily. “Magda Gerber knew the opposite is the reality: Babies don’t get bored unless parents have conditioned them to require external stimulation and entertainment. . . . Boredom is not a natural part of an infant’s repertoire.”⁴

The concern that only children won’t be able to fill their “down” time is overblown. Michele Borba, EdD, also underscores the advantages of not having children constantly busy. In her book Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, Borba asks parents to make room in their children’s day to be idle, to do nothing, and establishes the link between boredom, free time, and creativity. According to Borba, creativity is one of the seven strengths a child needs to thrive. By overscheduling and micromanaging their children’s lives, parents leave little, if any, time for that creativity to flourish.⁵

Parents can give children tools to build character and set them up for future success by helping them “develop mindsets that are open to curiosity and the capacity to imagine, create, and invent ideas,” Borba told me. “When left on their own to explore and fill their time, they develop curiosity, creative problem-solving, and divergent thinking that will help them thrive. Children need some solitude and the time to daydream, play, and imagine.”⁶

Ensuring your child’s alone time is safe and productive requires some scaffolding, and is definitely well worth the upfront investment, given the potential long-term returns.

More than anything else, when it comes to keeping concerns about your only child’s loneliness in check, it is helpful to remember that being alone is not the equivalent of being lonely. In fact, adults with siblings can be quick to point out that a brother or sister can be at the root of loneliness, when they force you to compete for neighborhood pals, school friends, and parental attention.

“Fifty years later I can reconstruct the pain of having a slightly older—and much more outgoing—sibling forbidding me from playing with his friends. Ever,” recalls Sanford, now a grandparent, who was the third of four children. “The memory of that affront and the loneliness it created doesn’t go away.”

No matter how well you may plan for your child to be socially engaged, there will be days when your only child’s friends are unavailable, when usual playmates need to attend a family gathering, when your child is home because of bad weather, or when you are too busy to take him to be with his friends. What parent hasn’t heard “I’m bored” or “I have nothing to do”? Parents, me included, tend to rush in or feel they should find something for their only child to do. That’s mostly unnecessary.

Instead, parents should keep in mind that boredom can be a springboard to creative thinking and that’s a good thing. “Boredom is both a warning that we are not doing what we want to be doing and a ‘push’ that motivates us to switch goals and projects,” explains Andreas Elpidorou, professor of philosophy at the University of Louisville.⁷

THE CREATIVITY CONNECTION

The connection between alone time and creativity is strong, as adult only children reflecting on their youth attest. Creativity is the gift that keeps on giving. It fosters outside-the-box thinking in many fields and can be important for a child’s future success.

David Cropley, an expert in innovation and creativity at the University of South Australia, framed creativity as “essentially a multi-faceted competency that involves similar attitudes, disposition, skills and knowledge, all transferrable from one situation to another. So, whether you’re in art, math or engineering, you’ll share an openness to new ideas, divergent thinking, and a sense of flexibility.”⁸

That only children may develop a creative advantage appears to be evident in brain imaging. By exploring different regions of the brain, a study of 250 college-age students in China found that only children are more creative than children with siblings. Researchers looked at the gray matter in students’ brains and the differences were notable: “Only-children exhibited higher flexibility scores (a dimension of creativity),” the study reports.⁹

Flexibility is only one measure of creativity. When it is weighted with factors such as extra parental attention, exposure to a wide range of experiences, and positive influences that come with being the only child in the family, you have one more viable reason not to fret when your only child spends time alone or tells you she’s bored.

Faced with a child who claims he has nothing to do, only-child parents tend to think that if the child had a brother or sister, they would engage each other. Before you start to feel badly about not having more children, consider the long list of pluses alone time offers an only child. Doing so will help you view alone time differently. Each of these pluses is valuable as a child gets older and more independent. When left on their own, only children:

•get to focus on and pursue their own interests and have extra time to spend on what they enjoy, to follow their passions;

•learn how to use and manage free time effectively;

•become self-sufficient;

•improve problem-solving skills;

•learn to be comfortable with themselves, which often elevates self-esteem.

LEARNING TO USE FREE TIME

So what’s a conscientious parent to do when your only child announces, “I’m bored”? First, think to yourself: “Bored is good!” Repeat that phrase regularly. Remind yourself that alone time provides a much-needed respite from the packed schedules most children have.

Whether or not kids have siblings, some are better than others at filling their time without help from parents. Gregory, an only child, says he welcomed downtime and appreciated the quiet. “I reveled in exploring things on my own,” he says. His parents and one grandparent are also only children, and Gregory has an 8-year-old only child.

Also an only child raising an only child, Henry, 38, describes himself as a very extroverted, gregarious person. As a child he was not good at entertaining himself. “My ideal was never to have to play Legos alone,” he says. “I always wanted to go visit friends or have someone over. I would never choose to be alone. I used to complain about having a million toys and not wanting to play with them by myself.”

That wasn’t a huge problem for Henry because he had an engaged, fun-loving father who was, more often than not, available to play. “When I was a kid playing cars or He-Man, dad was my playmate, if I didn’t have a friend over,” he recalls.

Even children like Henry, who are by nature resistant to spending time alone, can be taught to amuse themselves. They may need a bit of cheerleading from a parent who understands the limits of parental companionship and the developmental benefits of downtime where children learn to entertain themselves and make independent discoveries.

To engage and encourage a young only child who may need help getting started:

•Do some sleuthing. Notice what seems to hold your child’s attention, such as music, building blocks, tools, or paints.

•Get input from your child. Ask your child what she wants to do, like reading, building a fort, dressing up, or playing dolls.

•Present options. Put together objects you think will grab or ignite your child’s imagination. These could include art supplies, building materials, a toy piano, paper and scissors (kid style), empty spools of paper towels, and string or yarn.

•Offer suggestions. Give examples (verbal or a sample) of what could be made with whatever you’ve pulled together.

•Provide some company—initially. Help your child get started, then announce you’ll be back in a few minutes before leaving the room.

For older children:

•Lead by example. When it comes to exposing older kids to the positive (and often productive) experience of spending time alone (i.e., age-appropriate independent play), think of the old chestnut of good parenting: Model the desired behavior. If you make a point of taking solo time for self-care and relaxation, be it through exercise, meditation, reading, or working on a solo project you love, you send the message that time alone can be healthy, rejuvenating, or productive, and yes, even fun.

•Reconsider screen-time mandates. Screen time is enormously concerning to most parents. Parents of one sometimes believe that their child would spend less time on screens if there were other children in the home. Given the amount of time most children spend on devices, it’s unlikely a sibling would make a difference.

•Inspire with notable success stories. Though older children may seem tethered to technology, it can be eye-opening for them to learn that even the late Steve Jobs, who founded Apple (the source of many of your child’s beloved devices!), was a proponent of time alone. “I’m a big believer in boredom. . . . All the [technology] stuff is wonderful, but having nothing to do can be wonderful, too,” Jobs told writer Steven Levy at Wired magazine. Levy reported that Jobs was nostalgic for the long, boring summers of his youth, which fueled his curiosity and innovation.¹⁰

Similarly, Rory McIlroy, a champion professional golfer, believes that to be successful you have to be comfortable spending time alone in your own thoughts. McIlroy did that—for hours and hours he would hit golf balls on his journey to becoming a pro—and he credits all that alone time with making him more self-aware.¹¹

•Set realistic limits. Monitor and cap device use in your house, with exceptions for engaging special interests, so your child will have mostly screen-free solitude to discover new passions or spend time developing existing ones. Perhaps your child is into bridges, birds, gardening, or dogs, for example. Make a TV viewing exception by directing him to a documentary on bird-watching or being a veterinarian to broaden that interest.

In elementary school, with no siblings or kids around to form a team, Richard, 50, a fanatic, lifelong baseball fan, fondly recalls that his parents limited his television time to broadcast games and documentaries about star players and baseball history to support his love of the game. He used his screen-off time to create imaginary baseball games in the backyard, spending hours playing first base, pitching, catching balls in the outfield, and running the bases in his fantasy games.

ALONE, BUT NOT LONELY

Only children have more opportunities to retreat into their own worlds undisturbed. MaryBeth says her 6-year-old only child has talked to himself since he was 2. “He has full-on conversations with his action figures, solving mysteries, looking for elves. He does that for a long time,” she says. “He’s in total control . . . he’s in his happy place and is not thrilled when I tell him we have to run an errand or eat dinner.”

Diana explains how her 13-year-old daughter uses her alone time. “She’s a huge reader. She reads for hours and hours. Reading is her go-to thing—what she does to recharge.”

Abby Cooper, a 32-year-old children’s book author, believes her experience as a singleton paved the way for her career. When her parents weren’t available, she loved coming up with stories as a way to entertain herself. “I enjoy being by myself,” she says. “I know people who get really uncomfortable if they find themselves alone, and I never have to worry about experiencing that.”

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Most parents I know crave solitude, time by themselves to think, work through a problem, or do nothing. On the rare occasion you have some time alone, you don’t want to be interrupted by a whining child, work call, or having to prepare dinner. That’s similar to how a child feels when deeply engrossed in play. So . . . DO NOT DISTURB!

“Above all, don’t pull your kid away from what she’s immersed in because you think she needs your company,” advises Evelyn, a 74-year-old only child who admits to being shy and a bit of a loner as a child. “The ability to stick to something by yourself is a lifesaver for only children.”

It’s also a lifesaver for only-child parents, who can easily fall into the trap of trying to fill their child’s free time or feeling guilty if they can’t, to confuse alone time with being lonely.

Amelia’s mother remembers her daughter’s big dollhouse that lived in a large walk-in closet. “I felt badly that she was in there by herself. I could hear her talking to her dolls and laughing. I would open the door, peek in, and try to engage her. She looked at me and closed the door, leaving me and my guilt standing in her bedroom. Years later she told me that she would have preferred if I left her alone.

“I was one of seven and often felt guilty that I didn’t have more children. I think that explains my pangs; my background suggested she may need a sibling or two. I was seeing her life through my own childhood lens.”

Amelia’s version of that early time in her life is almost identical. She recalled being quite content playing for hours with her dolls and blocks. “Then my mother would come in. I’d wave her out with my hand.”

Given the benefits of alone time, perhaps your most important role in promoting independent play is to make sure your child has uninterrupted blocks of it. Resist “rescuing” your child from boredom and consider instead the words of Lin-Manuel Miranda, the creator of the play Hamilton and a long list of other artistic successes: “Time alone is the gift of self-entertainment—and that is the font of creativity.”¹²

STRUGGLING WITH FOMO

Research suggests people tend to assume that others have more vibrant social lives than they do.¹³

Today we talk about the fear of missing out, or FOMO, and it can creep into how we view all aspects of our lives, including the size of our family. Maybe you find yourself fixating on the “low” headcount in your family or it seems as if, at least based on social media, larger families are having more fun.

Whatever the reason, if you experience FOMO around family size, ask yourself: Who is missing out, you or your child? Often it’s the parent, not the child, who has FOMO.

Harper, mother of a 21/2-year-old, admits that’s what led her to keep her options open. “I’m having baby fever and fear missing out,” says Harper, age 42. I’m leaning towards ‘one and done,’ yet I can’t help feeling this is my last chance. I had early miscarriages and did IVF as insurance in case I wanted a second child; I have two embryos on ice.”

Akiko, mother of a 6-year-old only child, also believes FOMO is largely a parents’ issue: “Only children are not missing out, but a lot of adults are afraid that they are.”

Until she married into a family with four siblings, off and on as an only child Lindsay, 36, felt she was missing the sibling experience. “Growing up for my husband was hard and challenging with siblings who have very different and difficult personalities,” she explains. “As adults, I’ve watched them vying for their parents’ attention and witnessed continued arguing, recently over which one of them will get family memorabilia including the living room couch as their parents downsize.

“Watching the disharmony made me appreciate how lucky I am to be the only one. I am the beneficiary of my parents’ time and attention and resources . . . and their couch which we got when they moved! I was not missing out as I initially thought I was. I completely grasp my good fortune being an only child.”

BEING A PERFECT PARENT

As the parent of one, you may encounter people who think you’ve got it easy or shouldn’t be stressed with one child. Those kinds of misperceptions can put extra pressure on parents to try to be perfect. You may adopt that thinking yourself.

It’s reasonable to believe you should be creating an idyllic environment for your only child, where all family outings and birthday parties are Instagram-worthy. To avoid criticism, too many mothers with one child strive to meet unfairly high standards perpetuated by social media, their community, and sometimes close friends and family—or by their own child. Contemporary parenting seems to call for perfection.¹⁴

Trying to make everything “just so” can lead to micromanaging your child. Perfectionist tendencies have been associated with overparenting—aka helicopter parenting. That, in turn, leads mothers and fathers to do for their children what they could be doing for themselves, which can impede a child’s path to eventual independence.¹⁵

We want our children to be able to solve their own problems and understand that they’re capable. Ultimately, this bolsters their resilience. Mayume, 51, an only child who has a 10-year-old only child with perfectionistic tendencies, believes that “it’s easier to turn out a perfectionist when there’s no sibling breaking your toys or messing with your things. The illusion of control is not possible when you have a sibling.” She has a point.

For every parenting decision (and there are countless), rather than worrying if you are measuring up, trust yourself and your ability to make good, not necessarily perfect, choices for your only child. Dr. Aliza Press-man, a developmental psychologist and cofounding director and director of clinical programming for the Mount Sinai (NY) Parenting Center, said it best: “Perfect parenting is the enemy of good parenting.”¹⁶

CHAPTER SEVEN

Parenting Your Only Child

“They [parents] are all worried they’re making mistakes that will hurt their kids . . . doing too much for their children, or not enough.”

—HAROLD S. KOPLEWICZ, MD, FOUNDER OF THE CHILD MIND INSTITUTE AND AUTHOR OF SCAFFOLD PARENTING¹

To meet only-child parenting challenges, the most helpful skill to develop is the ability to shake off advice and implications that make you feel insecure, inadequate, or anxious so that you are free to double down on what you believe is right for your child. In sum, bet on yourself.

New parenting styles crop up with irksome regularity—from “gentle parenting” to “jellyfish” parenting, a flexible, permissive, go-with-the-flow approach—and are likely different from how your parents raised you or a close friend parents her child.

Sometimes, no matter how open-minded one might think they are regarding parenting, another’s parenting style can be surprising or annoying. A willingness to bend or adjust to a child’s preferences can be appealing and something parents of one are more likely to have the luxury of doing. As a parent of one, you have more opportunity, more time and patience, to indulge your child or honor most requests. But should you?

As only children begin to see what privileges and possessions their friends enjoy, they will probably want them too. Giving in to your child’s requests leads to more demands and teaches nothing about “wants” versus “needs.” Each “ask” is an opportunity to talk, for example, about budgeting, saving, and spending—the value of money. Most importantly, it’s a chance to explain why you don’t have to be exactly like other families or why you raise your child your way.

THE COMPETITIVE PARENTING TRAP

Whatever parenting style you adopt, there’s no escaping the fact that raising children has become an intensely competitive and demanding endeavor. Parents have been labeled “helicopter” because they’re always hovering; “lawnmower” or “snowplow” when they try to mow down or remove any obstacle in their child’s way; and, of course, “tiger moms” for being obsessed with making sure their child is successful. Any one of these parenting styles can become more pronounced and intense in one-child families despite good intentions.

From a very young age, many children lead overscheduled, closely monitored lives. They are prodded to excel. In the current parenting environment, a huge proportion of parents will do most anything to ensure that their children are happy. In doing so, we have taken much of the fun out of being a parent and lost sight of what might be constructive and helpful.

Intellectually parents understand the dangers of steering, pressuring, and being the architects of their offspring’s lives. Nonetheless, that doesn’t stop many from trying to raise “star” children who achieve and stand out, in some cases as a reflection of a parent’s aspiration. Sadly, many children can’t chart their own course as parents schedule, package, and market them for college.

Parents work exceedingly hard to help children navigate in the world. Stepping back is not easy for any parent, but it is particularly difficult for parents with one child.

One of the most significant elements of childhood that often gets crushed in the persistent pursuit of success is passion. In her book The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World, Katie Hurley encourages parents to zoom out in an effort to allow their children to explore a wide range of interests. When parents support instead of push, kids find their passions and interests and learn to follow their own paths.²

In parts of China—which has the highest number of only children—a new form of pressure called jiwa parenting has consumed parents. Its intensity is extraordinary, affecting parents and children. The term jiwa is a metaphor for an old, untested (and forbidden today) therapy that involved injecting chicken blood into children in an attempt to motivate them to learn. Parents pay for intensive, expensive after-school tutoring that elevates stress levels for parents and children.

Xuan Li, assistant professor of psychology at New York University Shanghai, and Dr. Lixin Ren, an associate professor of early childhood education at East China Normal University, wrote in an email that jiwa parenting shares similarities with tiger mom or helicopter parenting; however, there are differences. What’s particularly salient in jiwa parenting is parents’ strong sense of moral responsibility for helping their children to succeed and heavy emphasis on the academic aspect of child development. This is quite different from tiger parenting that emphasizes parental authority over children. “The term jiwa parenting is infused with stress and anxiety for the parents who feel the necessity to motivate their children even without agreeing to, liking it, or enjoying it themselves,” Li says.

Dr. Li and Dr. Ren remind us that the intensive parenting approach isn’t new or uniquely Chinese. Parents in the United States and elsewhere around the world have adopted similar approaches, often without realizing it. That doesn’t mean it’s good for kids or parents when so much emphasis is placed on academics, which is only one aspect of a child’s development.³

According to Yang Ke, a sociologist at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, parents deceive themselves. “Despite the long hours, the lack of sleep, and the high stress levels, Chinese mothers draw contentment from the perception that they are doing right by their children,” she says of jiwa parenting.⁴

Children know more than we think; parents need to trust them. A study done at Edith Cowan University in Western Australia with toddlers showed that at this young age, children could resolve conflict and build confidence on their own when parents recognize and trust their child’s abilities . . . and step back. The study emphasizes focusing less on lists and achieving milestones and more on acknowledging that each child is an individual and unique.⁵

Adult direction has taken over much of modern parenting. Few parents seem able to allow risks, mishaps, or failures that help children find their own paths and build confidence, resilience, and a host of positive qualities that prepare them for adulthood. Such parental pressure and anxiety can’t be good for any child, and it can be particularly pronounced for an only child. Singletons know that theirs is the only report card coming home and that they are the only one who “makes” the team . . . or doesn’t. There’s no other child to diffuse the intensity.

For that reason, it’s worth considering how you would approach things if you had more kids. That’s what Judith and her husband, parents of a 3-year-old, do. “My husband and I ask each other, ‘What would we do if there were a second child or third child in the house?’ That is our litmus test for most decisions we make around our daughter’s development or behavior.” Accordingly, certain situations and challenges in one-child families call for this kind of scrutiny to avoid potential pitfalls.

CENTER OF ATTENTION—KEEPING IT POSITIVE

All the focus puts your only child in the center of most aspects of family life. Being the center of attention works well for some only children but can be problematic for a parent or child. “My son was very happy to be the center of attention, but that’s challenging for a parent,” says Beth, his mother. “At 17 he still relishes being front and center in our lives and that’s as difficult as when he was younger.”

Looking back on her youth, Madeline, 41, an only child and the mother of a 3-year-old only child, recognizes the pluses and minuses. “I felt special growing up . . . sometimes it was too much attention,” she says. “I had a competitive tennis career through middle school and high school and played at the national junior level. My parents attended every match and I used to feel, especially when a lot was riding on a tournament, that if there was another child, my parents would be at my sibling’s competitions some of the time. There was no one to deflect all that focus on me.”

As the parent of one child, you might not recognize or give much thought to how your child experiences the pressure to perform when he is the center of attention. That’s why it’s important to watch for signs and situations that put your child in the limelight too much.

All that attention can also give an only child too much control. Jancee Dunn’s 9-year-old only child came to believe that she was part of her parents’ marriage and attempted to “run the show.” “I would never have predicted that the hardest part of parenting would be that our only child would come to fully believe she is the third person in our marriage,” Dunn wrote.

It’s a line that can be crossed without a parent noticing. Dunn explained in an article for the New York Times that she, her husband, and their daughter were inexplicably linked, and that her 9-year-old had way too much influence in what should be parent-only decisions like what’s for dinner or even what car to buy.⁶

Emma, 41, mother of an only child, describes the situation this way: “When there are two parents, even one parent, and one child, the child becomes part of the management team. The only child can weigh in and direct many of the choices. An only-child friend told me that when her parents had a second child, she felt demoted because there was a distinct separation between parents and kids. She had less attention and access to her parents and much less power to sway choices. My daughter has a lot of us; I want to make sure she doesn’t have too much of us.”

Only-child Ryan talked about a total blurring of lines between parents and child, where he was always treated as an equal. In his early 40s, he understands that having grown up in the spotlight he struggles when he feels there is no spotlight. He recalled girlfriends telling him that he needed too much attention. “That made sense since I was always under my parents’ laser beam. . . . I was accustomed to constant attention even though at times I felt as if I couldn’t breathe, that I was suffocating. You have to relearn how to be if you grow up in the limelight.”

Francine says she’s not sure she has specific tactics that keep her 8-year-old daughter from thinking she’s the center of the universe. “My parenting North Star is to raise my child to be curious, competent, respectful, and kind. Mind you, I fail often, but that’s the kind of person I am trying to guide her into being as an adult. To that end, I think it’s good for kids to hear ‘no’ a lot—especially when she has no siblings to compete for resources. I do my best to inculcate manners, because I think a habit of courtesy creates the habit of thinking of others.”

One way parents raise successful only-child adults is by instilling kindness and empathy to demonstrate that there are others who need attention. You might have your child go through her belongings to find items to donate to needy children or organizations that support them. You could ask your child to help with recycling or explain why you volunteer for community projects aimed at counteracting climate change. Or suggest ways to help a friend or volunteer themselves or draw get-well cards for ill friends or family members.

The good news is only-child parents stand out in terms of instilling prosocial behaviors. A large national Chinese study details how a positive only-child parenting style is less authoritative and more “conducive to the development of prosocial behaviors” because only children have exclusive access to their families’ resources and thus learn from their parents, who tend to have more time and patience.⁷

ARE YOU RAISING A MINI ADULT?

Being the center of the parents’ cosmos can foster a sense of maturity beyond an only child’s years. Because most only children are around adults much of the time, their vocabularies can be advanced, and their maturity can readily be overestimated or misinterpreted. For eons, one of the accepted stereotypes of only children was that they were essentially mini adults.

Lisa, 50, faults her parents for treating her like an adult. “They gave me too much responsibility and influence even in simple decisions like where to have dinner or where to go on vacation. They let me speak my mind too often and met my every wish and want. As a result, I was not as respectful as I should have been.”

Treating a young child as an adult can be a huge disservice. While it may be adorable when your 8-year-old recites the capital city of every obscure country or sits quietly through an evening of classical music, an only child can be robbed of his childhood by encouraging him not to act his age.

Leonard Sax, a family physician and psychologist, points this out in his book The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups. He notes that today parents allow children to make grown-up decisions that were the sole province of adults a few decades ago. In such cases, according to Sax, children take the stance of their friends and what they see on the internet to make choices instead of following their parents’ lead.⁸

Parents with one child are far more likely to allow their only child to weigh in on critical family issues or take their children to the opera, out to expensive restaurants, or to other places where kids are often constrained by adult expectations or a venue’s protocol. There are occasions when it makes sense to introduce your child to the adult world, and where you can’t help taking them with you, but asking for grown-up behavior on a regular basis can be stressful for children.

Some only children prefer to be with adults doing adult activities. Diana says that her 13-year-old relates more to adults than other kids—and that she would tell you as much herself. “I try to focus on giving her opportunity to be with other kids. Adults are impressed that she looks them in the eye and offers intelligent thoughts to conversations.”

That makes sense because the only child’s primary role models are parents, and children copy adult behavior and adult speech patterns, developing good reasoning skills early on, along with strong vocabularies. Children with siblings relate and talk to their siblings rather than their parents. In larger families, it’s less likely that one of the children will act like an adult or be the center of attention for extended periods. It’s more likely that the siblings will stick together when in conflict with their parents and generally act like kids.

From the time she was 21/2 years old and her parents divorced, Ashley, 36, was raised by her single mother. She and her mother were constant companions. “My mom was the mom all my friends wanted because Mom and I hung together, did everything together,” Ashley says. “I loved being with her friends and doing grown-up stuff. I was annoyed if we were somewhere with kids and I was forced to play with them.”

Because of the parent–only child tight bond, many only children are highly aware of and sensitive to their parents’ feelings, anxieties, and needs. As such, it’s important to be mindful about not oversharing to avoid your only child having to shoulder burdens that are not commensurate with her age. Good idea to follow David and his partner’s rule: “We don’t involve our daughter in our grown-up problems.”

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING SOCIAL

When only children are old enough to interact, early and frequent socialization can be helpful in squashing any center-of-attention tendencies . . . and interaction with peers gives only children time to act like, well, children.

Spending more time with other children also helps ground singletons. Peers, like siblings, have no qualms about telling another child that she’s being obnoxious or acting as if she’s special. Kids have a way of putting other kids in their place quickly, and that can be a boon for only children who behave poorly. Absent siblings, interaction with playmates introduces an only child to conflict and helps him develop coping and arguing skills typically learned in a household with more than one child.

Through play and school interactions kids also learn to share, to lose, and to understand another person’s feelings. Madeline says her 3-year-old always seems shocked when she’s in a group of kids who push or take her toys, since she views her playthings as part of her. “I make sure she spends time with friends, that she can be a kid, not appearing to be an outwardly precocious child who is always surrounded by adults and getting her way,” Madeline says.

The benefits of early contact with other children can’t be overstated, and those benefits are long-lasting. Most parents of only children know this and make get-togethers and playdates a priority for their offspring. “I got involved in mothers’ groups when my son was an infant and then joined playgroups,” says 51-year-old Jacquie. “I worked hard as a parent to establish social networks with other mothers. I think kids’ friendships develop out of the mother’s friendships. That paid off. As he got older, we put him in activities to be with other kids. He has a strong social network with lots of friends. Now that he’s 12, he can meet his friends and has more independence.”

I don’t know Jacquie’s son; my guess is his mother taught him how to lose. Children who handle losing gracefully usually keep their friends. That means not pounding on a game board and sending the pieces flying in all directions, for instance, when a turn goes badly or a loss is imminent. That’s a quick ticket to fewer playdate invitations to spend time with peers as your child gets older.

When you play games with your only child, sometimes you might let him win. Thinking back, I probably did that occasionally; my son did not win every game we played. Losing is part of life, and it helps to learn how to do so graciously with a parent and understand that you can’t always have your way.

It’s not merely being defeated in a game that teaches social skills and friendship lessons. Pay attention to how you respond to losing, disappointment, or exclusion—a canceled party, a cake that burned in the oven, or a pickleball match you lost. Let your child hear you congratulate the winner, and above all, even if it’s the two or three of you playing a game, outline the behavior you expect: no tantrums, congratulate the winner, and no over-the-top bragging by you or your child as the winner. You are thus modeling winning at losing.

Spell out examples of feelings if you need to. Let’s say your only child, like Madeline’s, doesn’t wish to share her toys. Ask your child how she would feel if one of her friends refused to allow her to play with her doll, ball, or truck.

If you see a child or adult who needs help, suggest that your child come to the rescue. Exhibit kindness in what you do as an adult. You might help a stranger put groceries in her car or take your child with you to deliver food to a family member, friend, or neighbor who is house-bound. With older children, consider making a practice of doing one kind thing each day for someone not in your immediate two- or three-some and “reporting” it at dinner or bedtime.

PUTTING BOUNDARIES IN PLACE

Defining expectations and setting boundaries are as critical with one child as they are in a larger family. Being close-knit, as many one-child families are, can weaken or erase boundaries entirely. Parents with one child can feel boundaries are unnecessary most of the time. With no other child in the house to be tucked in or taken to a sports practice or piano lesson, and absent power struggles creating commotion, boundaries can quickly blur or become nonexistent. When a child has too much authority in the family with few rules or limitations, as Jancee Dunn discovered, family life can become sticky.

As I write this, I flash back to my son at age 8 sitting on the stairs, head down, having done something irritating or inappropriate that I don’t recall. I told him what he had done was wrong and he should try not to do whatever it was again. What I do recall in detail was his outburst. “Why don’t you send me to my room or take away my TV privileges?” he shouted at me with tears running down his cheeks. “Other kids get sent to their rooms. They get punished; you never punish me.”

Permissible behavior needs to be spelled out for an only child. They don’t have older or younger siblings breaking rules or getting reprimanded. Nor do they have siblings competing for a parent’s attention and time. Saying no sets limits. “I’m always accommodating to my teenager,” admits Diana. “I go along with her plan even when circumstances are against us, like the weather when we were scheduled to do something outdoors. Bottom line: I have a hard time saying no to her.”

In their desire to be open, relax boundaries, and support free expression, Elise and her husband set very few guidelines on their child’s behavior beyond those involving his safety as a youngster. “We told our son he could say anything in the house with us . . . outside our family he had to be careful. When he wrote a curse word on the steamy school bus windows with his finger and put off-color, offensive messages in his female classmates’ mailboxes, I knew our boundaries were too loose or unclear,” confesses Elise, mother of a then 11-year-old. At that age, the boy probably lacked the maturity to distinguish what he was permitted to say or do at home and what was taboo outside of family confines.

In larger families, boundaries tend to be clear to avoid chaos and keep misbehavior in check. With one child, confusing boundaries occur; they need to be discussed.

Because one-child households tend to be freer of day-to-day clashes, it’s reasonable for one-child parents to think they don’t need to set limits. One of the most difficult boundaries to put in place is around screens. Only-child parents can feel guilty that their child has no one to play a board game with and allow more screen time at the same time they worry that their child’s social skills are being hampered by this.

Parents with one child often think that their child spends more time on a device to compensate for lack of sibling interaction at home. Despite the bad rap screen time gets, some research suggests that “screens” offer developmental pluses. A reassuring study that looked at the screen time of more than 30,000 kindergarteners through fifth-graders using teacher and parent evaluations found that screen time had little or no effect on children’s social skills. In a wide array of comparisons, “social skills stayed the same or actually went up modestly,” the researchers noted. Other research shows that excessive screen time has a negative impact on child development and social skills.⁹

Parents of one will, accordingly, want to find a delicate balance that places realistic, age-defined limitations on screen time. It’s one more area where parents have to be comfortable with saying no or setting limits to support healthy development.

CHORES, CHORES, AND FOLLOW-THROUGH

Looking in the rearview mirror, Rachael is pained by what she thinks she and her husband did wrong. Both are biologists and believed that education was paramount. Instead of having their only child help out, they let him off the hook on chores around the house so he could use the time to study. “We never expected him to do anything for us and that was a huge mistake; it’s something I regret. Sadly, as a young adult he selfishly doesn’t think of us or lift a finger to help when he visits.”

Getting children to do chores is difficult regardless of how many kids you have, unless you are raising them in an Indigenous community in Mexico where kids as young as 1 year assist at home and by ages 6 to 8 initiate helping activities.¹⁰ Children doing chores without being asked is something that doesn’t typically happen in more cosmopolitan environments.

In most cultures, parents are more likely to have to remind, prod, and insist that children do their chores. Chores should not be optional or negotiable regardless of where you live. Ignore kids’ stalling tactics—“I’ll do it later” or “It’s not fair” or “I have too much homework”—and check your own approach. Sometimes parents make the excuses for older kids, as Rachael did, rushing in to do their chores because of after-school overload—assignments, practices, rehearsals, or activities that add to their only child’s résumé.

David and his partner Bradley take the opposite approach with their 8-year-old daughter: “We strive to keep it real. We are not raising a princess here. We have two dogs and she’s involved in feeding and walking time. We add chores like setting the table, cleaning up, as she becomes more capable. You have to pick your battles.”

As many parents of one will tell you or you already know, usually it’s quicker and more efficient when their child protests to do the task themselves. Easier, yes. The science says definitely not wiser if you want to raise your child to become a positive, competent adult. A sprawling 85-year Harvard Grant Study concluded that children who do chores are more successful as adults.¹¹

The research emphasizes that chores are stepping stones and learning tools. They help children gain confidence, build resilience, and become independent as they get older. Seemingly insignificant chores, the kind parents of one are happy to do, like setting the table or folding laundry are tiny building blocks that help shape eventual independence. Pitching in at home also encourages responsibility, a sense of teamwork, and a work ethic much needed later in life.

As in Mayan families in Mexico, starting chores young conveys the most benefits. University of Minnesota’s Marty Rossmann, emeritus associate professor of family education, found “the best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20s was that they participated in household tasks when they were 3 or 4. However, if they did not begin participating until they were 15 or 16, the participation backfired, and those subjects were less ‘successful.’”¹²

For a study published in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, researchers questioned almost 10,000 elementary-school-age children about their participation at home. Those who were given chores in kindergarten showed clear advantages by third grade: “Performing chores in early elementary school was associated with later development of self-competence, prosocial behavior, and self-efficacy.” Those who did chores also scored higher than those who didn’t on self-reported measures for everything from academics and peer relationships to life satisfaction.¹³

FOSTERING RESILIENCE AND INDEPENDENCE

Taken together, making these parenting adjustments will help your only child become more resilient and grow into an independent, well-adapted adult. This is a top priority for any parent, but those with only children face unique challenges. For example, it’s difficult to watch your only child struggle to get something right and for the most part, it’s possible to stop what you are doing to help. However, she is more likely to feel confident if she makes mistakes and learns how to solve problems on her own.

Bailing out your child so she succeeds at an undertaking or rescuing her from messy situations is counterproductive. As child and adolescent psychiatrist Harold S. Koplewicz notes, “If you don’t encourage your children to risk failure, you’re teaching them to be afraid and dependent.”¹⁴

With one child it is so tempting to take charge, to step in. Parents of one have more time to overparent and be overprotective, to smooth their child’s course, to remove each roadblock their child careens into—to pick up the baby who is learning to walk and later to be sure his homework is completed and clothes for practice are packed for the next day.

By pulling back and permitting your child to fend for himself, to take reasonable risks and responsibility and face failure, parents encourage their child to forge ahead and keep trying and believe he is capable.

An integral piece of being resilient emerges from being independent. Learning how to handle uncomfortable situations and setbacks when they arise is a big part of becoming confident and independent. It’s impossible to protect your child from every negative event or confrontation. After you speak with your child about his emotions and possible ways to handle disagreements and conflicts in the future, trust that your child can manage.

When I asked Cristina, 42, an only child with a 7-year-old only child, what she thought her parents did right when raising her, she said she most appreciated their “free-range” attitude. “They gave me lots of independence. I am doing the same, giving my son lots of freedom and letting him fight his own battles.”

Likewise, a few modifications to your parenting approach will go a long way toward your only child gaining more independence. Ultimately, that can give you a break as a parent while allowing your child to become a more resilient adult.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Thinking about Parenting Differently

“You have done it right when you make yourself irrelevant. Parents who fail to do that have failed.”

—KEITH GESSEN, JOURNALIST AND NOVELIST¹

One of my closest friends frequently talks about wishing she could have a “do-over” as a parent. Her grown children are highly accomplished—two are lawyers and one CEO of a mega corporation. Still, despite their success, my friend is convinced that she made a lot of mistakes as a parent.

Raising my only child, I was similarly intent on getting motherhood “right.” Of course, we are all good at second-guessing ourselves regardless of family size, but parents of one may be especially inclined to think they need to provide their only child with more than is necessary. With a few changes in your thinking and approach, however, you can overcome that impulse so your child will one day be equipped to face the world without you.

BEING REALISTIC

A lot of parents start to form expectations for their kids before they’re born. While the child is developing in the womb, a parent might notice “This baby is very active” and predict that “he’s going to be a serious athlete.” Or, feeling movement while playing a song, an expectant mother might observe, “She responds to music—I think she will be a pianist.”

Parents hope their kids will be able to capitalize on their talents. For parents of only children, however, the drive to help them succeed can be particularly intense. The expectation can be so high that it spikes anxiety levels for parents and child.

Whatever age your only child, now is a good time to reassess your approach. Aim to become less involved and focus your efforts on helping your child learn to succeed on his own. Be supportive by delighting in her accomplishments and minimizing and accepting her shortcomings as or if they surface.

You have reason to be hopeful about your child’s future. Only children are more likely to become leaders, tend to be intellectually advantaged, and are as socially well-adjusted as children with siblings. Every child can’t attend a top-rated college, be a celebrity, or invent the next wildly successful app or product. By moderating lofty notions, you can provide a supportive environment for kids to explore their unique interests without putting pressure on them to succeed.

The challenge is to see your only child as an individual separate from you, who has his own ideas. Caring for children, explains psychology professor and author Alison Gopnik in her book The Gardener and the Carpenter, “shouldn’t be directed toward the goal of sculpting a child into a particular kind of adult.” “Children are incontrovertibly and undeniably messy,” essentially different from their parents or any other children in the family.²

A parent’s urging may shape a child’s life course. That’s why you want to think about how you’re setting your child to be his own person and not a miniature extension of you.

In his article “Sports Meant So Much to Me. Why Wouldn’t My Son Play?” journalist Keith Gessen detailed his passion for competition, amity with peers, and how sports helped strengthen his connection with his father. “Of all the things that I felt I could give my son, the one I most wanted to give him was sports,” he writes. His son had different ideas, as Gessen learned after futilely pushing and prodding him to take up the games Gessen loved. “Children are their own people, yes, but they are also so much at our mercy—at the mercy of our moods, our insecurities, even our dreams,” he shares.

“There is no other thing you do in life only in order for the person you do it for to leave you,” Gessen adds. “When he leaves you, when he does something because he wants to do it and not because you want him to—that is success. You have done it right when you make yourself irrelevant. Parents who fail to do that have failed.”³

One way to succeed at making yourself irrelevant is to pursue interests beyond your child. Parents of one tend to enthusiastically assume the default position of being watchful, which can swiftly turn into becoming overly involved. If you tend to hover or take charge, give your child space to make decisions and mistakes when she is old enough and safety is not in question.

As in all family sizes and putting aside the rough adolescent patches during which teens are trying to develop their own identities, the potential exists for a parent and only child to become so enmeshed that there is no separation between the two. That level of closeness can be stifling for the child, and boundaries can be hard to decipher or difficult to maintain.

Single parent Kiera is unusually connected to her 15-year-old daughter, who tells her, “Mom, I think you’re my best friend . . . we’re very similar.” Kiera is wary of the lack of boundaries: “My daughter tells me everything. I have to remind her what she’s giving me is TMI [too much information], that there are things she needs to keep to herself.” Shannon, 38, is so close with her mother that, she says, “Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Who am I separate from her?’”

For all the benefits of a close parent-child bond, like camaraderie, emotional support, and a sense of security, when your connection is too close with no breathing room, it becomes difficult to separate and leaves no room for a child to claim her own identity.

Only child Connie, 64, has an only child and an only grandchild and had difficulty separating from her parents. “Being too close,” she warns, “is a detriment not only to the child but also to parents, who sometimes fail to develop outside relationships and rely on the child as their raison d’être. I see my daughter-in-law doing that with our grandson, and I’m worried about it for him—and for her. Someday, he’s going to fly away, and she really has no other interests in life except him.”

Laura, 29, talks about a different trap only-child parents can fall into: “Parents with one child harp on everything—what are you doing, where are you going, who are you with. That can drive only children crazy and make them rebel. I happened to have been an obedient child. That in-your-face approach might backfire with a different only child.”

LIGHTEN UP

Onlies tend to be hard on themselves and rarely need additional pressure from parents. They get plenty from their teachers, coaches, and peers in our hyper-competitive culture. When parents try to take control and set unrealistic academic goals for their children, they set the stage for backlash from their child. Repeated studies document how excessive parental expectations can inhibit learning.⁴

One such study, pointedly titled “Don’t Aim Too High for Your Kids,” evaluated this phenomenon as it relates to students’ achievements in math. The research found that parents who aspired for their kids to do well in the subject undermined their children’s learning.⁵

The educational benefits of having singleton status come at the risk of parents putting too much pressure on an only child, who may wind up with a negative feeling and attitude about school.⁶

The target is to ease the pressure kids instinctively feel to perform, not add to it. As Lindsay, 36, tells it, “I did very well in school and felt I was precocious; I accepted that I had to excel despite the fact that my parents loved me unconditionally. I put a lot of pressure on myself at the same time I imagined with siblings the pressure is spread out a bit more. As an only child I knew it was up to me to do all the succeeding.”

Carla has always aimed high for Luke, her only child who will soon graduate high school. Starting in early elementary school, she repeatedly told him that he had to do well academically to gain admittance into an Ivy League college. She also pushed sports and hired a private batting and pitching baseball coach. She reminded him that he had to become indispensable to the team. It was obvious during our conversation that she worried about his social relationships as well, and what the other mothers might think of her if Luke slipped on any count.

She pushed him hard—and he rebelled. He stopped going to practices and barely studied for tests. He started fighting with his friends and wanted to change schools at one point. He became belligerent at home. Some of his actions and attitude can be attributed to being a teenager. The intensity and duration of his mother’s vigilance were sure signs that she was overmanaging him.

That fixation on success isn’t restricted to Carla and other only-child parents in the United States. “Chinese parents come to . . . identify strongly with their child’s successes and failures, joys and sorrows,” according to Shi Lihong, an associate professor at Case Western Reserve University.⁷

Signs of stress don’t have to be as severe as Luke’s and can start earlier than the preteen or teen years. A drop in grades, sensitivity to mild, constructive criticism, and a lowering of your child’s own standards can be indicative of an overstressed child who is trying to live up to a parent’s prodding. If your child feels—or says—he’s lazy or dumb, if he appears to have stopped trying, you may be driving him too hard or expecting too much.

The effects of too much parental pressure may not manifest for years. Adult only child Andrea endured pressure for years before she got out from under it. She recalled one instance when she asked her father to listen to a poem she had to memorize for a class in grade school. “The first time I went to him, I really didn’t know it and he told me not to come back until I had it perfect. Only perfection was allowed,” she told me. “I performed perfectly after that until I left Tennessee to go to college. I almost flunked out first semester. Away from the constant observation of my parents, I felt free. I wanted to have fun and I did.”

Like Andrea, Mayume, 51, resents her father’s “massive expectations.” “He was a tyrant. My dad was not very nice,” she says. “As young as I can remember, if I didn’t understand something right away, he was not very patient.”

The good news for parents is that if you feel your expectations or management style are weighing on your only child, relatively small changes can ease the pressure. Here are a few adjustments to consider:

•Move the emphasis away from your child. Instead of zeroing in on individual performance, like academics or how she played in her last tennis match, see if your only would be interested in joining group activities such as team sports, ballet classes, or school band or chorus. Make teamwork the focus.

•Let your child work through challenges independently. Offer an assist (or enlist a tutor) when your child is struggling in a subject, or provide extra training in an area they’re passionate about. Try not to do your child’s homework or chores.

•Block out family time to do something fun or complete a task. You could start a garden, clean a closet, paint a room, build a walkway or fence, or visit friends. The point is to do something together.

•Get distracted—and let the little things slide. Be it toys left out or the disappearance of one of his or your nonessential gadgets, it will probably resurface soon. Safety issues aside, sometimes parents of one will want to look the other way. Ignore minor transgressions that might undermine your goals for your child. As he matures, ask him about the objectives and priorities he has set for himself, be it for academics, a sport, or an extracurricular activity he loves.

•Inject some humor. When tension escalates over a project you’re doing, a chore you requested, or a game you’re playing, inject some humor to take the focus away from the task at hand and diffuse the frustration you or your child may be feeling. Telling a joke or acting silly may be all you need to change the momentum and have you and your child be able to lighten up. Notably, humor can be a useful tool to ease conflict with young tantrum-throwing children at the same time it can serve to tighten the parent-child connection, one study found.⁸

•Take it easy on comparisons. Sure, it’s natural to compare your child’s progression for everything from developmental milestones to academics with peers. That doesn’t mean you should make it a habit. Comparing a child to classmates, cousins, or friends’ children sends a signal to your child that you expect more. By avoiding comparisons, you can reduce any intense, over-the-top pressure you might put on your child.

LIKE PARENT, LIKE CHILD?

There’s one comparison that’s impossible to avoid: you and your child. If you don’t make it, others will. The expression “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” doesn’t always hold up. You might think your child is like you—or she could be the opposite. You wonder why your child is a social butterfly when you and your partner are wallflowers, or why your single child takes no chances when you are a risk-taker and thrill-seeker.

I often say of my son that in terms of temperament—where his is unlike mine or his father’s—he’s a carbon copy of my mother, his grandmother. Look back a generation to uncover a possible explanation for whom your child’s personality might favor when it isn’t immediately obvious.

Familial comparisons serve a practical purpose by informing your approach to parenting. One of the key measures you might want to weigh is your temperamental match or mismatch with your child. This can affect your understanding of your child and how the two of you interact, including the pressure you may inadvertently put on your child. Play down your own successes or accomplishments, as they can be intimidating. You don’t want to be “the hard act to follow,” the standout your child may believe he can’t measure up to.

Thinking about your child’s temperament and embracing it, whether it’s exactly like yours or utterly different, will help you understand behaviors that confound you. That knowledge may help to minimize tensions between you and your child, especially around his expectations, desires, or plans, if they seem to be different from yours.

Ultimately, it’s your approach as a parent and the connection you make with your child—not whether she has siblings, as we’ll see in the next chapters—that will make the biggest imprint on your only child’s life and prepare her to take the reins herself one day.

CHAPTER NINE

No Sibling: Am I Cheating My Child?

“My best friends are my sisters. . . . I’m an only child, yes, but I’m never alone.”

—SAMANTHA MYTHEN, ENSEMBLE MAGAZINE¹

When siblings are compatible, the relationship can’t be beat. I know this personally; my brother and I regularly turn to each other for advice, support, and memory sharing, although we remember events quite differently. Did we always get along as children? No, not until he left for college.

Where siblings may turn out to be a lifeline like my brother, for others those relationships can be difficult or deeply hurtful. If you have a positive relationship with a sibling, you may take issue with what the science says about the mixed nature of sibling relationships, because there will always be exceptions.

Mia, 37, relies on her step-siblings who are more than 10 years older than she is for parenting advice. This mother of a 5-year-old only child worries that her son will not have someone to turn to, but he likely will in the support system of friends, relatives, and other “sibling substitutes,” those peers he connects with throughout childhood and long after.

Among the subjects in the Only Child Research Project, a noticeable number of them were frank about wanting a sibling themselves or wanting a sibling for their child. A handful believed they had missed out or feared their only child would and went on to have two or three children.

Every child is exposed to an endless array of experiences that shape how he functions in the world. Having a sibling is one of many puzzle pieces that may or may not have a bearing on a child’s development and happiness.

At times parents of one may think that giving their child a brother or sister would solve behavioral problems they might be witnessing. Let’s say your only child won’t share or she’s having a meltdown in the grocery store when you refuse to buy what she wants. You may waiver each time something goes wrong and tell yourself, “This wouldn’t be happening if my child had a sibling.” You may also wonder if a sibling will provide your son or daughter companionship later in life.

There are concrete benefits to siblings, but don’t count on them to be a cure-all for behavioral or emotional difficulties or to be lifelong buddies. Ignore the rare person who has the audacity to tell you that you are short-changing your child—or to imply as much—if you don’t provide a sibling.

Bryan Caplan, a professor of economics at George Mason University, argues that “good parenting is less work and more fun than people think” and that should be reason enough to have more children. His claim that “parents’ sacrifice is much smaller than it looks” probably doesn’t feel that way to those hunting for reliable daycare or wondering how to pay for their child’s special uniform, class trip, or college.²

Posturing about family formation makes me think that those voicing their opinion have not considered the vast amount of only-child and sibling science or parents who want more children and are unable to have them. They ignore sensitive and crucial factors that affect family size: maternal health issues or postpartum depression, infertility problems and the heartbreak that goes with them, parents’ ages, and other family responsibilities, as well as economic concerns. These elements contribute to a happy or unhappy family life for a child and parents. They should be acknowledged before proclaiming that the ideal family is composed of two or more children.

SIBLINGS VS. NO SIBLINGS

Every family is unique, with its own challenges. Only children don’t know what living with a sibling is like and vice versa. To equate being an only child with a sense of loss or lacking isn’t accurate or helpful in childhood or adulthood.

“Understanding the fundamentals of what builds a child’s personality requires one to revisit the inexhaustible argument of nature versus nurture,” notes Samantha Olson in a Medical Daily article, “Brothers and Sisters and Nobody: The Science behind Their Personality and Health.” After considering scientific reviews of twin studies, Olson concluded, “Everything . . . is circumstantial when it comes to how much of an effect a brother, sister, or lack thereof, has on an individual.”³

Certain findings about sibling benefits remain cloudy. A long- running disagreement about the impact of having brothers and sisters on academic performance has been percolating for decades. One theory holds that older siblings teach younger siblings, and as a result, both benefit academically and see a bump in their IQ scores. The jury is still out on this idea, so having more children because you expect they’ll support each other academically or otherwise is probably not a sound reason to add to your family.

Yvonne, 42, considered a sibling for her daughter. She calls brothers and sisters “lovingly playing together a fairytale.” She’s pretty sure that she would spend her time breaking up fights. “You can’t predict if your children will like each other,” she says.

In other important areas, such as self-confidence, calmness, health or age of marriage, and education, “onlies are much more like other children than they are different,” reported John Claudy of the American Institutes for Research over 40 years ago. His landmark 20-year study showed that only children in two-parent homes exhibited higher intelligence and higher levels of achievement than children with one sibling.⁴

The question of siblings versus no siblings is a pressing issue for some, a fantasy for others.

“I’m under no illusion that two kids can be both easier and harder,” says Courtney, 45, who has a 9-year-old only child. “My son doesn’t have a built-in playmate, so he has a lot of playdates. He likes going to a friend’s house with five boys. He loves the chaos.”

On the other hand, my son at the same age couldn’t take the pandemonium at a friend’s house and would come home sooner than I expected him and announce he needed some quiet time. “They fight too much in their house,” he would tell me.

One participant in the Only Child Research Project talked about how she envied her cousin whose sons are 9 and 12 years old, “They are unbelievably sweet together and it makes me want a sibling for my daughter. It looks like winning the lottery.”

It’s impossible to predict what will happen with the addition of a sibling. We do know definitively that strong, healthy relationships are central to life satisfaction. The famous Harvard Grant Study that has tracked Harvard graduates for more than eight decades tells us as much. “The clearest message that we get from this study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period,” writes contributing editor Bill Murphy Jr. in an article for Inc. Those positive outcomes don’t necessarily need to come from siblings.⁵

George Vaillant, a psychiatrist who took over the Harvard Grant study in 1967, affirmed the importance of strong connections for achieving happiness and success: “The only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people. The study found strong relationships to be far and away the strongest predictor of life satisfaction, and better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, wealth, fame, IQ, or even genes.”⁶

“Giving your child a sibling doesn’t ensure that he or she will have a more fulfilled life,” says Meg, mother of an only child, echoing the sentiment of a good many only-child parents. Nonetheless, a significant number feel that their only child needs a sibling to fill the role of a steady companion.

Ruth, 78, didn’t mind being an only child, but envisioned having two daughters who were as dedicated to each other as her aunts were—calling each other once or usually multiple times a day. “I assumed my girls would do the same if they were sisters. It never occurred to me that they wouldn’t be close,” Ruth laments. “Turns out they have no relationship; they are complete opposites. With them it goes beyond not liking each other; they can’t tolerate one another.”

For more than 30 years, Dr. Brenda Volling, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, has looked at the role siblings play in the development of younger siblings. During our conversation she reiterated what studies show: The developmental benefits of a sibling don’t have to come from a sibling. Only children can learn from and resolve conflict with peers during daycare or playdates. “If the relationship with a sibling is good, it can be valuable in teaching cooperation, sharing, and in the development of conscience,” she says. “But if a sibling is aggressive and victimizes a sibling, the emotional damage can be long-lasting.”⁷

It’s not uncommon for haunting childhood rivalries and toxic early relationships to seep into adult sibling relationships, stressing or fraying them. Assuming sibling bonds were solid during childhood, preferences and lifestyles can change and put physical and emotional distance between sisters and brothers.⁸

Among siblings who had a close or somewhat close relationship in childhood, less than half report being very satisfied with the relationship they have as adults.⁹

The biggest takeaway for parents of one is to stop worrying that your child would be more content if she had a sibling or two. Be delighted that you are not settling disputes, soothing escalating tensions, or monitoring pleas for your attention with heart-piercing accusations that you are paying more attention to a sister or brother. Once you make the decision—or already have a singleton—know that how you raise your child will have a much greater impact than whether your only has a sibling.

The literature on sibling estrangement is extensive, with difficulties often beginning in childhood resulting from parental favoritism. Astute parents of multiple children go to great lengths to avoid playing favorites or showing the perception of favoring one child over another. Even so, partiality and the sibling animosity it sows may be unavoidable on some level. No matter how hard parents strive to be “even steven,” their efforts are rarely perceived that way.

One of the children will assess a parent’s behavior as preferential treatment for a sister or brother. Vying for a parent’s love and attention is the source of contention in many, if not most, families. You may have experienced it yourself. The competition favoritism provokes, including imagined competition between siblings, can set the stage for difficult times.

“Not having to compare yourself to another child” is something Yvonne, 42, sees as a bonus of being an only child. “Even today my brother talks about how our mom and dad preferred me,” she says. “My daughter will never have to feel she is less.”

When siblings build a tight friendship, it can be joyful, but you can’t count on that happening. Cassie, mother of a 7-year-old, only sees the bickering, competition, and bullying between siblings. “I lived it myself and I know that supposedly sibling conflict is a skill-building exercise. Really, most of us are kinder to our friends than to our siblings,” she says.

In the early 2000s, this research paper title, “‘You Can Do Nasty Things to Your Brothers and Sisters without a Reason’: Siblings’ Backstage Behaviour,” caught my attention because it is so true.¹⁰ Confession: As the younger child in my family, I did some mean things to my older brother and got off scot-free almost every time because my parents dismissed my behavior as typical, no cause for alarm.

“Being an only child makes it easier to grow up, without having a sibling you are forced to play with or be nice to,” Chris, 39, offered.

Ruth and many others I spoke with painfully admit that brothers and sisters are not a panacea. Nor do siblings necessarily provide a springboard for emotional, social, and intellectual growth as children or adults. Admittedly, some do.

SIBLING FALLOUT

For most of us with brothers and/or sisters, those relationships are the longest of our lives and we hope they are kind and positive. They can also be the most contentious or at the least disappointing or frustrating regardless of how close siblings were during childhood. There’s solid evidence that lifelong bonds with siblings that were supportive and you thought would stay that way splinter as adults. These divisions and strains occur, for instance, when a sibling’s romantic partner is disliked or causes friction within the family, when there’s a dispute about loyalty to a parent, or when a feeling of disconnection festers sometimes for a reason no one can pinpoint.¹¹

It could be that siblings grow apart. Phoebe, 35, says of one of her siblings, “We are such different people and view the world differently. We speak very infrequently. I have friends who have that same dynamic with a sister or brother. The simple fact is, having a sibling close in age, or at all, is not a guarantee they will be close as adults.” Phoebe has decided that how her toddler son turns out is “more about how we raise him than if he has a sibling.”

Sibling relationships are partially a game of chance. They don’t always go as parents planned or hoped, and the back-and-forth disagreement can start as soon as you bring home your second child.

Shortly after that, parents face about six altercations per hour, or about one clash every 10 minutes with children ages 2 to 4. Fights diminish to four per hour when the children are older, ages 4 to 6; older children’s conflicts last longer and are louder, according to the study “Parent and Sibling Influences on the Quality of Children’s Conflict Behavior across the Preschool Period.” The researchers followed preschool siblings in 37 two-child families over a two-year period, observing the children when they were 2, 4, and 6 years old. Parents tend to minimize sibling conflict, perhaps believing that they’ll resolve things themselves, and some do. In other families, sibling disagreement is enough to affect relations and morale for years.¹²

When children move into adolescence and young adulthood, sibling relationships tend to be more difficult. Sibling bullying was found in one form or another and was “associated with lower sense of competence, self-esteem, and life satisfaction.” When these relationships were more difficult, kids were more likely to develop depression.¹³

Harper, 42, who has a 21/2-year-old, thinks she wants a second child and is pitted against her husband who doesn’t view siblings as an asset. He claims that his older sister is abusive and adds, “A sibling can do more harm than good.” Much of the research backs him up.

Roughly 19,000 students with and without siblings were studied in the United States and China, looking specifically at mental health issues in adolescents who averaged 14 years of age. The Chinese only children had the best mental health. In the US, singletons and children with one sibling had better mental health than those who had more brothers and sisters.¹⁴

Unfortunately, stories of sibling abuse—like other types of familial mistreatment—abound. “For me, not giving my daughter a sibling was one of the ways I felt I could help protect her from the kind of abuse that I survived,” one parent of an only child wrote anonymously in a Rewire News Group post.¹⁵

Scholars like Dr. Volling who have looked at sibling bickering, rivalry, and bullying conclude that they affect the victim’s self-esteem and contentment for years. Whether it’s physical or emotional abuse, “sibling bullying was associated with a lower sense of competence, self-esteem, and life satisfaction, as well as more internalized problems.”¹⁶

Another comprehensive study reported, “The effects of sibling bullying are at par with those of peer bullying where there is now convincing evidence for the negative effect on mental health.”¹⁷

Contrary to what most of us believe, sibling bullying is more widespread and frequent than bullying by a child’s peers in school. Parents tend to view the pushing, hitting, kicking, or name-calling between siblings as benign or a stage that will pass. However, a vast amount of research associates physical and psychological bullying by a sibling with poor mental health as children move into adolescence and adulthood.¹⁸

“I had a second child to make sure my first would always have a friend,” one mother posted on X, formerly Twitter. “I didn’t realize what I actually did was make sure my first would always have someone to drive him crazy.” Unsurprisingly the comment received many likes and “same here” responses.

SIBLING SURROGATES

When it comes to sibling relationships, the word “luck” pops up a lot. The mother of a 6-month-old who wants her daughter to have a sibling says, “If you’re lucky, the children play together and build their own relationship. I really want my daughter to have a sibling to turn to when she’s an adult.”

One study finds that “the influence of siblings [is] more complex than simply having a sibling or not.” When looking at perspective taking and related social skills, much depends on gender and age of the siblings, things largely out of a parent’s control when deciding to have another child. The researchers concluded after studying kindergarten and first-grade only children and those with one sibling that “examining additional relationships and interactions beyond sibling structure may further enhance our knowledge of children’s social competence.”¹⁹

Regardless of the number of children in the family, interacting is developmentally important, and those with one child are keenly aware of this.

Madeline, 41, reports being very proactive about engaging in her community and creating a sense of belonging for her 3-year-old daughter. “The community can be religious-based, social, or extended family. It’s the people your child trusts and grows bonds with that matter,” she stresses. “I’m building and nurturing those close relationships for her because I think as an only child you need anchoring to know yourself and feel comfortable.”

Nadine’s advice mirrors Madeline’s. “Anything that encourages community and sharing sets a good example,” the 54-year-old only child explained. “Any kind of service and giving back—tree planting or working at a food bank. We were involved with the church and its humanitarian projects. My mom also coached my sports teams and it felt as if I had all these siblings because my mother was great about having my teammates over.”

When you create a community for an only child, you set the environment for surrogate siblings who share life experiences, and in many instances, know an only child’s parents and history. You can fill most any perceived relationship vacancy by bringing in your close adult friends and their children to create a larger sense of family—spend holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations and outings together.

“Our closest friend families also have one child. We’ve self-sorted and that has proven to be a perfect solution,” says MaryBeth. “We joke that we are consciously creating siblings. When the kids disagree, we like it; we think they are having normal sibling interactions. When we hear them arguing in another room, we say, ‘Let them figure it out; this is what it’s like to have a sibling.’”

“Little matters more in a child’s development than making and maintaining friendships. It’s practically the job of childhood and adolescence,” Catherine Bagwell, a psychology professor at Davidson College in North Carolina, reminds us.²⁰

In my ongoing conversations with only children, I’ve been surprised by how many referred to their friends as “sibling substitutes.” I was also struck by how they retained their bonds for decades and relied on these friends in the same way other children rely on positive sibling relationships. “My very early friendships set me up for life,” Ryan, 44, told me. “I’ve kept some I met in first grade. We text regularly so we never lose touch. We are close.”

Almost everyone I spoke with emphasized the value of close companions who stand in as siblings for only children, and remarked how those surrogate siblings have become lifelong friends with whom they have strong bonds.

“My best friends are my sisters. I love my friends just as much as I love my family. I see little difference between friendship and familial ties. I turn to one for advice and support just as much as the other. Both are my lifeblood,” Samantha Mythen explained in Ensemble Magazine.²¹

Sonya, 44, concurs: “I met my best friend in seventh grade; she is also an only child. Our parents are friends, and she and I are best friends to this day. Our parents encouraged that friendship. She is the closest thing I’ll ever have to a sister, and I’m grateful for that. I think being an only child has made me appreciate friendships more. I tend to stay in touch with people for many years and go out of my way to see them.”

Kayla, 23, shared her “sibling” experience with two boys who lived next door. “I thought of them like the brothers I never had. If I called this minute, they would help me through a tough time. We grew up together, side by side for 18 years.”

“My best friend is from age 10,” says adult only Mayume, 51. “I went to her when I was having trouble with my dad; she knows my parents. We have a great relationship—I need her more than she needs me. She continues to be my support system all these years later and the closest thing I’ve got to a ‘desirable’ sibling.”

An only child’s confidant or closest friends can be anyone—a classmate, a peer in the neighborhood, the child of parents’ friends, a cousin, aunt, uncle—with whom he has had an ongoing, enduring relationship. For Courtney’s 9-year-old son, the connection is with his cousin who is two years older. “They are like siblings. They have naturally been close since very young ages. They see each other almost every weekend and at our busiest, we carve out time to see them.”

From the time he was a toddler, Brett idolized his uncle, and as he got older they shared adventures. To this day as a young adult, Brett turns to his uncle for advice and friendship. He says his uncle is the person he most trusts.

Related or not, it’s the people your only child entrusts with secrets and shares worries, insecurities, and fun times who are most likely to be substitute siblings. Diane, an adult only child in her 30s, told me that she made close friends in elementary school and kept them. Those young women remain her best friends, planning each other’s weddings and welcoming their babies into their tight circle. “We lean on each other like good sisters and brothers without problems do,” she says.

Like Diane’s friend group, some siblings turn out to be strong, reliable support. Think about the people you confide in. Siblings might well confide in each other, but most of us are as likely to confide in someone else, someone for whom we feel a powerful loyalty and affection. Singleton Regina, 45, likes to say, “I fell in love with my friends.”

Only children find that their sibling substitutes are there for them whether they are sad or bursting with good news. Like a sibling, surrogates share experiences and make memories together. Over the course of decades, the Only Child Research Project has found that sibling surrogates readily fill perceived voids for only children, including assisting in a parent’s care. The only thing they don’t share with their stand-in siblings is their DNA.

Parents of one can feel confident that their only child will find a “soulmate” or two or more. That children need a sibling to form close connections or to feel complete is one more only-child myth that’s finally been busted.

Another fiction is that parents need multiple children to care for them as they get older—just like it’s been wrongly assumed that kids need a brother or sister to ward off loneliness or teach them social skills.

That brings me back to Bryan Caplan, who believes parents should “have more kids than they originally planned.” When challenged about having more kids so they will care for you later in life, he admits that he doubts his kids will “provide for me when I’m old.” He doesn’t think that “has ever been a good reason to have kids”²²—and that holds true whether you have one or more.

PART III

INTO THE FUTURE

CHAPTER TEN

Who Will Care for You?

“I’ve watched families be destroyed when siblings took care of their ill parents. I see being an only child as a blessing. My parents were good to me and I will take care of them.”

—SHANNON, 38-YEAR-OLD ONLY CHILD

The thought first hit her after her father died and she became the primary caregiver for her mother. “As I get older, I think who is going to take care of me and, in part, that is why I had a child,” says Liling, 45.

Where generations ago people relied on extended family who lived close by for support, that’s not an option for most today. It’s certainly not for Liling, who has no extended family she can reach out to for help.

“That’s a worry no matter how many kids you have. I don’t want to be a burden to my daughter or to my five children if I had them,” Francine, mother of an 8-year-old, points out.

I have five potential caregivers in my son and four stepchildren. One would think I would not be concerned about my care as I age. I am. It strikes me that most parents worry about burdening their children.

For those struggling to decide to have one child or multiple, the question of who will care for them later in life can loom large. Before you let this concern guide your decision, it’s worth challenging who qualify as close-knit kin. As writer David Brooks contends, an overreliance on nuclear family may be part of the problem—and expanding that nuclear family isn’t necessarily the solution.

“We think of kin as those biologically related to us,” Brooks notes. “But throughout most of human history, kinship was something you could create. . . . These forged families have a feeling of determined commitment. The members of your chosen family are the people who will show up for you no matter what.”¹

Exploring possible avenues of assistance is one way to answer the disquieting thoughts that come when you realize your or your parents’ mortality. “It’s a lot to take on by yourself when you have your own life,” Liling points out, “particularly if you are working and caring for a young child or children at the same time.” She realizes that she has friends she can call for assistance.

For their part, parents dream their offspring will rally around their bedside in harmony. Those with one child worry the responsibility will be too great without brothers and sisters to support each other in caring for them. Some parents with one child admit to wanting a second child hoping they will help each other care for their parents.

Being realistic, however, there’s no certainty that siblings will work well together to care for aging parents. One sibling may disagree with the other’s approach or be unhappy with living arrangements another sibling set up. Still, it’s understandable to be worried when you are fully responsible for a parent. Lynn takes two positions that other only children agree with: “I’d rather have no siblings than have ones who are detached and not supportive. That would be more hurtful. I’m glad I am going to avoid that. On the other hand, it would be nice to have the help siblings can provide.”

It appears that siblings don’t step up consistently. From her vantage point, Cristina, 42, an only child who has an only child, getting sibling assistance is not a given. “I’ve seen so much toxic drama, estrangement, and fights in families,” she says. “I’m looking forward to being on my own, being in charge, rather than dealing with sibling aggravation.”

When you look at patterns of adult only child and sibling caregiving, what you find is an uneven distribution of responsibility. Theoretically, having a sibling would reduce the burden on any one adult child or relieve the pressure she might feel to provide all the care to an aging parent. However, a whopping 43 percent of adult child caregivers report getting no help from siblings.²

An investigation in the Journal of Aging and Society found that “at ages 50, 55 and 63 only children are also significantly more likely to provide care.” These tend to be the ages when parents show signs of needing assistance with things like yardwork or are facing cognitive decline and other medical issues. “Although having no siblings is associated with greater care-giving demands, it seems gender is a more powerful determinant than sibling status,” the researchers added. Daughters are more likely to help in sibling groups.³

Even daughters disappoint, as Courtney, parent of a 9-year-old only child, found out when her sister failed her. “My father was very ill at one point and I was hands-on and the one who took care of him. I was at the hospital every day; my sister couldn’t tell you who his doctor was. I have always been the responsible one.”

Hesitation about being or having an only child can bring up future worries for some. Courtney projects, “I do sometimes think that when I’m older and acting annoying, my son will have no one to complain to. In rethinking, I realize I couldn’t complain to my sister who was largely absent when our dad was ill.”

Only children may bear more individual responsibility, but they don’t face the same collaborative challenges as siblings do. For only children and their parents, this legitimate concern is offset by the support that comes from friends—yes, those sibling substitutes—and relatives, partners, and spouses. Any and all step in and can be as accommodating or more so than reluctant, difficult siblings.

WHEN SIBLINGS DISAPPOINT

Assisting an aging or ill parent is almost always emotionally difficult and stressful and can be anxiety producing and logistically problematic. At some point, most of us worry about our parents, whether we have no siblings, one sibling, or many.

Parents want to believe that their offspring will back each other up should they need help as they age. “Collaboration is vital when caring for an aging parent,” science journalist Helen Santoro points out in an article about siblings becoming caregivers. “Yet there are many stumbling blocks to good teamwork, from unequal division of tasks and differing perceptions of a parent’s needs to old, persistent resentments.”

Santoro emphasizes that childhood sibling outlooks—from perceptions of favoritism to adolescent disagreements—often arise again when parents are older and need care from their children.⁴

Tensions mount when the primary sibling caregiver senses he’s being deserted, even if it can’t be helped under the circumstances. Shannon’s husband has one sister who lives abroad. “My husband feels as if he is an only child in caring for a parent terms. He often says, ‘My sister abandoned me.’”

Think of the horror stories you’ve heard about siblings disagreeing when it comes to a parent’s care. Siblings commonly fail to take on an equal share of their parents’ care, and when duties are divided, the infighting can be unpleasant. By contrast, only children don’t face this challenge.

The obligation to care for parents is not an option in some cultures. In India, for example, children are duty-bound by Hindu tradition and state mandates to look after their elderly parents. Those who do not are subject to fines.⁵

The Chinese government assists aging parents by offering only children paid leave to care for or arrange care for their parents. The number of leave days varies between provinces, with some offering 20 days per year. In contrast, children with siblings only get 7 or 10 days of elderly parent caring leave.⁶

While it’s unlikely such laws will be widely adopted in other developed countries, it speaks both to the necessity for aging parents to receive support and to expectations that adult children will help provide it. Only children routinely rise to the occasion to meet this need without prompting or penalties.

PLANNING AHEAD

It’s an uncomfortable topic that few want to discuss: What are your or your parents’ expectations? Parents, for their part, should avoid presuming only children have the answers. Share your preferences with your only child when you believe he’s old enough to understand your intentions, and consider discussing the essentials with a close relative or friend, too, who might also be involved in the future. Polling shows many, if not most, parents fail to have these conversations with their child or leave far too many details unaddressed.

Most only children are keenly aware of the natural shift that occurs when an adult child begins assuming care of parents. Ryan, 44, recognized this evolving role reversal during the pandemic. “I kept asking my mother if she should be going back to work so soon,” he recalls. “I saw the potential risks and worried if it was safe with so many unknowns about the virus transmission at that time.”

As parents age, adult children may see themselves parenting their parent, as Ryan does. On the other hand, parents can think they’ll never need care and fail to plan for it. It’s likely most aging parents will require some level of assistance at some point, and only children seem keen to provide it. For their part, parents of only children want to protect their singletons from having to make emotionally difficult decisions and take on caregiving responsibilities that can be overwhelming for anyone, even those with excellent support systems in place.

Neha, 63, confesses that she has reservations when looking down the road. “I don’t want my daughter to stop her life to take care of me. I try to arrange for what she might need if she had to take care of me or her dad at some point.”

Having your “stuff ” in order is good for everyone. “My parents are awesome,” only child Diane, who is in her mid-30s, tells me. “They always think of me first. When they were in their late 60s and I was too young to understand or focus on what they were doing, they took major steps to make my life easier. They got rid of possessions that don’t mean anything, cleaned out their house, and sold it. They moved to an apartment that has safety features and is near me for the time they can’t take care of themselves completely. They prepared lists of passwords, instructions about where they want to be buried, gave me all banking information. Yes, it’s weird to talk about, but what they did was incredibly thoughtful.”

Diane knows she’ll have help caring for her parents. “I am not alone and will not be coping with everything by myself. I have my husband and good friends. I admire how much my parents have thought about all this in advance.”

Cassie, the mother of an only child, is of like mind: “I look to when she’s older and doesn’t have a sibling to help take care of us.” She hopes her daughter will have a support system and thinks she will. “Even so, we’re doing everything we can to prepare financially for that time in our lives,” Cassie tells me. “My mother needed extended and expensive care as she declined, so my husband and I are supersensitive to possible financial needs. We took out long-term care insurance, as ridiculously costly as it is.”

Barbara, who is in her 60s, sees having to care for your parents without sibling support as the sole drawback of being an only child, although her parents made their care less daunting. “My dad made all the decisions and arrangements to move them to an assisted living facility. When my dad died in his 90s, I walked into the funeral home and was told by the funeral director, ‘This is what your father wanted.’ I wasn’t left guessing.”

Only child Beth, 45 and mom to a 17-year-old only child, proudly reveals that her 71-year-old mother is a seasoned planner. “She already has put her name on an assisted living facility wait list and reminds me that she can defer until she’s ready. One less thing to worry about, she tells me. She is also incredibly fiscally responsible. . . . I won’t have financial problems around her care. I’m going to follow my mother’s lead and be sure to leave my son in as good a position as I can.”

ESSENTIAL DETAILS

Finances aside, parents want to have a healthcare directive that tells the doctors and your child how to proceed with your treatment (or not to provide it) should a medical crisis evolve. These can be heart-wrenching decisions, and no one wants to be left to speculate about them without direction, particularly your child.

Thinking about your or a parent’s future health or demise is a topic most people are good at avoiding. Tackling the details now with adult only children removes the guesswork and tends to be freeing in that it addresses the gray areas that can confound loved ones throughout tough medical periods or at the end of life. Diane’s parents eliminated a potential paperwork scavenger hunt and endless hours of sorting through papers and computer files for what Diane may need.

If you need assisted care at some point, where would you like to live? What are your wishes when you pass, what instructions and other details do you absolutely want your only child and any family or friends to have? For everyone’s peace of mind, yours included, don’t wait to figure this all out.

Here’s a short list of what to do and what you need to gather to put everyone’s mind at ease knowing the essentials are in good order and your wishes are honored:

•An up-to-date, signed legal and executed will.

•Appointment of a guardian for your minor child if not stated in the will.

•A financial power of attorney.

•A healthcare directive that allows someone to make medical decisions if you are unable.

•Your date of birth, Social Security number, and code to your safe or safe deposit box plus location of its key.

•IDs and passwords for your computer and cell phone account, including contact and access information for your email provider, Apple, and/or Google.

•Credit card statements for active credit cards and any store credit accounts so your account numbers are readily available. Be sure to note what cards are on automatic pay and what bills are paid through your bank.

•Contact information for key people: executor or trustee, attorney, financial planner (if you have one), accountant, home and auto insurance providers, funeral home director.

•A list of where you want your favorite earrings and necklace or your collection of books or sports memorabilia or glass animals to go. Your only child should be told that a designation list outlining who is to get your prized possessions exists.

•Mortgage company (if any) and documents pertaining to any debt you may be carrying.

•Clip together bank account and other financial statements and let someone know where you keep paper copies. Alternately, create a computer folder to store everything electronically.

•Tag important extra keys and toss those that are useless.

Collect all the information that can’t be or you don’t want stored in your computer in file folders in a drawer, box, or another secure spot. If you have a secret hiding place for your valuables, tell someone where it is and how to access it.

As you prepare for the future, don’t underestimate the role your only child’s relatives and close friends, including those sibling surrogates, may play. They are the people who are more than likely committed to supporting your child through any difficult periods.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Only Children Tell It Like It Is

“There were many more positives to being an only child than there ever were negatives!”

—MONIQUE, 32-YEAR-OLD SINGLETON

Only children tend to be especially willing to care for their parents and to report high levels of satisfaction with their upbringing. The contentment they feel, having grown up without siblings, is not solely anecdotal—it’s supported by decades of solid research.

What I hadn’t anticipated when I asked only children about their experiences as an only child is that a noticeable number had not thought much about it at all, other than their willingness to care for their parents. For some, our conversation was perhaps the first time they had seriously considered being an only child, mainly because they hadn’t felt labeled like earlier generations of only children.

“I didn’t dislike anything about being an only child. I didn’t think about it. I feel I should come up with some negatives, but for me it’s all positive,” notes Cristina, 42, an only child who has an only child and says one child is all she ever wanted.

Those who have complaints tend to be older. They grew up when the typical family had two or more children and society was steeped in only-child myths. When she was a child, Wendy, 70, felt attacked by comments from peers who said, “I bet you’re spoiled, aren’t you? You know you’re spoiled.”

“What was said was an instant invalidation of anything I accomplished,” Wendy relates, “because I was told, ‘It’s easy for you; your parents will give you anything you want.’” As a grown-up, she refers to the remarks she heard as “slander.” Those erroneous comments stuck with her and felt like a form of “PTSD,” as she puts it, even though she liked being an only child.

Older only children who were told that they were spoiled and selfish have noticed the shift in attitude toward only children. “I’m 60 and am neither spoiled nor selfish, I’m the opposite,” Carmen, who lives in Austria, told me in an email. “It’s so good that times are changing and only children today are treated with respect. There’s very little name- calling now. I think it will stay that way.”

The pivot Carmen talks about has been felt by only children younger than she is. When I approached Diana, 51, herself an only child, to talk about raising her child, she let me know that she didn’t ruminate about her daughter’s singleton status. “I haven’t given this subject much thought. Are only children that different?” she asked me. “It’s odd that people are concerned, even interested. I didn’t feel stigmatized in any way, and I don’t feel guilty about not giving my daughter a sibling.”

Be they subjects in published research or sharing responses privately with me, I’ve found time and again that most had decidedly positive experiences. They included more one-on-one time with adults, extra academic support, and a close relationship with parents that carried forward after only children became adults.

Most of the laudatory comments from only children grew from, or relate back to, the parenting they received—how you raise your child and what you do to instill values and manners and teach empathy and responsibility.

When Heidi Riggio, professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, looked at core personality traits and social skills, including the ability to express feelings, to interpret verbal and nonverbal communication of others, and to control emotions and social sensitivity, she found no deficits “because of a lack of sibling relationships during key developmental periods.” She reports that “only children did not differ from children with siblings in social skills. In fact, the two groups were ‘remarkably’ similar.”¹

In other words, siblings are not the must-have ingredient in shaping a child’s personality. More likely, personality develops as a result of nature and the thousands of influences a child encounters with parents as the guiding force. A sibling will not guarantee that your only is less shy or selfish, or more socially adept. Growing up in a warm, safe environment with parents who arrange for consistent peer interaction and model social skills every child needs, only children get and give a thumbs-up. Across the board, from social skills to academic performance, the marks are high for only children.

This positive pattern repeated itself throughout the Only Child Research Project investigation, with only a very few respondents wishing they had siblings. Rita, who is in her 70s, says she wanted six and has two adult children. She wishes she could have experienced the closeness she believes siblings have. Although she grew up with many cousins, she didn’t think that was the same. Still, the belief among those with whom I spoke is that being an only child worked out quite well for them.

Those personality deficits once ascribed to only children don’t bear out in real life, thus answering Diana’s question, “Are only children different?” One study of many studies comparing adults with and without siblings found any differences are “very, very small.”²

In any family configuration, there are going to be perceived disadvantages. The positives for only children appear to overwhelmingly outweigh any real or perceived negatives. Evaluating the pros and cons, Cynthia was forthright in her assessment of being an only child: “Pros: leadership, independence, comfortable with solitude, confidence, can entertain myself. Cons: lack of diplomacy, my way or the highway, no need to compete. I find many non-only children constantly craving the presence and attention of others. Good and bad, just like the birth order studies indicate.”

That’s not to say family dynamics don’t have any influence on children. For example, the fact that only children don’t have siblings to compete with can make a difference, notes Frank Sulloway, whose research helped shed light on the impact of birth order. “Because only children experience no sibling rivalry, they are not driven to occupy a specific family niche and effectively represent a controlled experiment in birth-order research,” Sulloway remarked. “Like other firstborns, they are generally achievement oriented and conform to parental authority, because these attributes are esteemed by parents.”³

Toni Falbo at the University of Texas points out that “only children tend to have high self-esteem and typically perform better in school and get more post-secondary education than other kids.”⁴

Not much has changed since Falbo’s early findings in the 1980s. If anything, the positives have been fortified by the new science. Ava Aznar, a psychology lecturer at the University of Winchester, agrees. Only children “may end up smarter and more successful than people with siblings,” she writes for The Conversation in the UK. She attributes the success to not fighting siblings for parental resources.⁵

THE ONLY-CHILD ACADEMIC EDGE

Regarding academic achievement and educational aspirations, there are distinct advantages to being an only child. Decades of research finds only children tend to perform better academically than kids with siblings. Because only children spend more time with adults, vocabulary gains are developmentally significant during the preschool years and have a significant impact on later school success.

Researchers in China have found that reading to children at very young ages is linked to “important developmental factors in children, improving their cognition, mental health, and brain structure, which are cornerstones for future learning and well-being.”⁶

Because of the huge number of only children in China, much of the school-performance research has been done there. One of those studies comparing only children and kids with siblings evaluated school performance for more than 90,000 fourth-graders, about one-third of whom were only children. The study explored several questions, including: Does only-child status affect math achievement, physical fitness, feelings about school, and expectations of school? Overall results point to only children both performing better academically and having more positive feelings about attending school, with some differences found for girls versus boys and in urban versus rural schools.⁷

In another study looking at seventh- and eighth-graders and the impact of birth order, only children, and educational outcomes, the authors conclude that “the academic performance of only children is significantly better than that of children with siblings.” The researchers focused specifically on four factors—financial resources, parenting time, the closeness of parent-child relationships, and personality traits—to determine what gives only children an educational advantage.⁸

When comparing adolescent only children to their peers with siblings, the similar benefits for onlies stand up. “Apparently, family size has a measurable effect on academic outcomes,” the researchers concluded. “A family’s overall mental maturity level, undivided resources, and heightened parental responsiveness and care may all have assisted singletons in their schooling.”⁹

Moving to the academic performance of only children and children with siblings in junior high school, researchers reached a comparable conclusion. “Concerning academic outcomes,” that study’s authors write, “Chinese children without siblings appear to have higher academic achievements and cognitive abilities than children with siblings.”¹⁰

These findings have been replicated in many countries and over many decades with the same results. Acknowledging that only children are firstborns, in her study “Examining Sibling Configuration Effects on Young People’s Educational Aspiration and Attainment,” Feifei Bu of Essex University in England reports: “Firstborn children (male or female) have higher aspirations and . . . these aspirations play a significant role in determining later levels of attainment.” She came to this conclusion after accounting for parents’ education and professional status.¹¹

When only children were analyzed over a period of 50 years, the association related to cognitive ability had not changed. Only children’s student assessment and test scores were similar to children from two-child families and were higher than children who had two or more siblings.¹²

Resources are often spread thinner in larger families, as sociologist Douglas Downey describes in his “dilution theory,” echoing the almost universal conclusions of social scientists. That, in turn, can have an impact on a child’s academic performance. Downey analyzed responses from 24,599 eighth-graders in a (US) National Education Longitudinal Study. He posits, and most agree, that as families get bigger, parents have less time, money, and energy to invest in each child. “Parental resources explain most or all of the inverse relationship between sibship size and educational outcomes,” declares Downey. For Downey, “Even one sibling is too many.”¹³

As in most research focus, exceptions can be found. Looking solely at the amount of education completed, how many siblings a child has for the most part makes a difference. However, some scholars argue that the disadvantage is most prominent in large families—noting those with five children.¹⁴

Researchers in China give dilution theory a slightly different spin to explain why the only child’s academic performance is frequently better than that of children with siblings. “This is a result of differences in parental material and nonmaterial resources, and the closeness of parent-child relationships,” they report. That nonmaterial bond of closeness, an often overlooked element of dilution theory, provides “a higher grade of openness and extraversion [that] help the educational outcomes of only children.”¹⁵

Do all only children go to the head of the class? Of course not, but the research suggests a robust academic advantage. Being especially close with parents has its own perks, too.

CLOSENESS COUNTS

Like the studied academic advantages, research finds that only children are likely to have a stronger bond with their parents than children with siblings, in large part because they spend more one-on-one time together. The strong only child–parent bond stands out as one of the few remaining distinctions between only children and their peers with siblings. It’s an important one that allows children to flourish.

“My mother was very, very loving, tender, and fun,” says Ashley, 36. “She was always emotionally available for me and is still protective of my sense of self.”

We’ve known for a long time that being close to parents confers benefits from early childhood to late adolescence. It was observed in a research review in the mid-1980s when social psychologist Toni Falbo and researcher Denise Polit pored over 115 studies and concluded that only children “surpassed all non-only borns, especially those from large families, in the positivity of the parent-child relationship.”¹⁶

Having a warm, respectful relationship with parents encourages behaviors we want our children to have, such as empathy, generosity, kindness, and helpfulness. Those prosocial behaviors held in a group of 10,700 children who were followed from age 3 to age 17 in a University of Cambridge study.¹⁷

Building and maintaining closeness with offspring takes time, something in short supply for most of us today and particularly for parents with several children. Parents of one are more likely to have that time to enrich a child’s vocabulary and expose the child to diverse experiences.

As a family grows, each child gets a smaller piece of the “pie.” Not the case for only children. “As a kid, I was put into situations in which I could relate to and talk to all kinds of people of all ages,” Ryan, 44, explained. “My parents were always exposing me to new things. That included missing school to join my dad at the office or work events on occasion. They couldn’t or probably would not have done that if I had siblings.”

Cassie compared her relationship with her 7-year-old daughter to the one she had with her parents growing up. “I’m much closer with my daughter than the relationship I had with either of my parents who had to divide their available time between me and my three sisters,” she says. “My time capacity allows me to be very loving and connected.”

“I feel more privileged than my friends who have more than one child,” Cassie continues. “I can spend extra time with my daughter and focus on her well-being. We have such a strong and special bond; I’m not sure this would be possible if I had another child.”

The advantage of being close to one’s parents was seen in China when researchers explored the parent-child relationship of junior high school students. They found that singletons were more likely to say they had a close relationship with their parents than were children who had sisters or brothers in two-child or larger families.¹⁸

Singleton Sofia, 29, was raised in a large Hispanic family, as were most of her friends and relatives, yet she feels her relationship with her parents is much healthier than that many of her friends have with their parents. “They couldn’t confide in their parents when they were younger and don’t today,” she told me.

The junior high school study also pointed out that the parent–only child connection remained tight after the typically turbulent teen years.¹⁹ That was the experience of only children like Henry and Beth, who said they pulled away from their parents as adolescents. They, like the science, report that their bond with their parents grew stronger again once they passed through their rocky teenage period.

Pulling away during the teen years is more typical than unusual. Today, Linda, 71, and her adult daughter Beth, 45, check in daily for a quick chat during Beth’s drive to work. “We are very close now. High school and college were really rough,” Beth admits.

Granted, adult children and parents speaking every day is not unique to one-child families. Often more common with female children, male only children also report closeness and consistent contact.

As an adult, Henry, 38, is closer to his dad than most of his friends with siblings are to their parents. “Dad and I became close buddies when I was a young boy, and we are today. My dad has a new hobby or interest with great regularity. I became his partner in all of that; we continue to do many things together.”

Henry’s experience is different with his two sons. “As a kid, my dad was joined to me. My boys, ages 6 and 8, are joined at the hip.” Sometimes his boys, like other kids their ages, don’t want him to play with them. “They tell me I’m playing wrong. What’s different is they don’t come to me with questions like I did with my dad,” Henry says.

Other factors besides sibling status can affect a child’s closeness with a parent. For instance, in one survey, “parents were emotionally closer to their same sex children,” and daughters appeared to benefit more in that way from being only children than sons.²⁰

Faye, 46, disagrees. She has a 15-year-old son with whom she has a tight relationship. “My son tells me a lot more than other mothers hear. They ask me for information about what the kids are up to.”

“The best part of being an only child is how it has affected how close I am to my parents,” says Nina, a 30-year-old only child. “I wouldn’t swap being my parents’ best friend for anything in the world.”

At 38, Shannon feels similarly. “My relationship with my mother is unique in that my mother is my best friend, my everything, and has always been. Sure, there are glitches, but we talk through our troubles.”

Based on research thus far, the consensus holds that only children tend to have closer bonds with their parents, and those ties are beneficial early in a child’s development and later in adulthood.

CONFIDENCE AT WORK AND LIFE

Projecting into an only child’s future, the prospects for a successful work life are reassuring. Questions about only children’s ability to communicate, interact, or compromise in a work setting have been raised because they didn’t grow up interacting with siblings who supposedly would have taught them these skills. That said, the exposure to different people and different situations as only children likely compensates for these skills an employer or colleagues may think are missing.²¹

Leadership coach Micha Goebig, an only child herself, spelled out three confidence and attitude lessons women in business can learn from only children for Forbes:

•People are interested in who I am and what I have to say.

Having more one-on-one time with a parent who listens to what you have to say, “you very likely grow the confidence to take up space without giving it too much thought, even when surrounded by strangers. You don’t doubt that you deserve the attention, deserve being seen and heard.”

•I love to be surrounded by people who know more than I do.

“Most singletons spend a lot of time growing up around adults, and this can give them a huge advantage later in life, especially in terms of personal and career development trajectories: Those who don’t feel intimidated by smarter people often seek them out and ask questions without feeling they have to make themselves look smarter or more experienced than they are.”

•I know what I am good at and have no issue letting others know.

“Self-advocacy, like driving a car, gets a lot easier the more often you do it.”²²

Some in the work world assume the position that only children don’t make great team players. That position is false. The Chinese probed into that specific workplace concern, asking, “Are only-children difficult team members?” They hypothesize that choosing good employees is “an ever more challenging task in the presence of an increasing number of adult only children, who are widely perceived to be spoilt, self-centered and thus with weak team spirit.” These researchers were surprised to discover that the only children studied contributed as much to the team effort as the workers with siblings. The only slight variation was reluctance to join the group; that unwillingness lessened when only children were given information about their peers’ performance.²³

The University of Hiroshima released a report that explored the cooperation of Chinese workers between ages 20 and 70 in five major cities in China to find out if only children were uncooperative in the workplace. Participants were those born when the one-child policy was in effect or before. The findings were not what the researchers expected. Rather, the so-called little emperors pampered by their families at home were as cooperative as older workers born before the government restricted the number of children a family could have to one.²⁴

THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER

It’s human nature to want what we don’t have—a bigger paycheck, a fancier car, a larger house, an exotic trip, a dress that isn’t in the budget, or a sibling. Despite older only children being told they were missing out or feeling as if they might be, most decide that the grass wasn’t greener in another—bigger—family’s yard after all.

Speaking for herself and her husband, both only children who have a 3-year-old only child, Veronica, 37, doesn’t mince words: “Neither of us think ‘the grass might be greener’ in the sibling field because we have seen how horrible siblings treat each other and how nasty our own parents’ siblings have become during estate proceedings with their parents. It’s awful and we’re both so grateful we won’t have to face that.”

“I have peers, some a bit older or younger than I am, going through the heartache and intensity of IVF,” says Emma, 41, an only child with a 3-year-old only child who has no intentions of having another baby. In her view, “If you have a healthy, happy child, why put yourself through the roller coaster that is IVF? What is the motivation? Do you really think having another child will make your life or your child’s life better?”

It seems adult children’s accolades for their parents and their positive childhoods outweigh any disappointments and overshadow any concerns that only children or their parents might have.

What the science tells you are significant drivers in the steady uptick in one-child families hasn’t reached absolutely everyone. On rare occasions only children hear directly from friends and colleagues who are surprised to find they defy the inaccurate stereotypes.

“Growing up as an only child, I was not lonely, nor did I want siblings, but I knew not to flaunt my only-child status,” Genevieve Walker, who is in her mid-40s, writes in a personal essay for the BBC. “I understood that only children had certain known traits, and I felt compelled to prove that I wasn’t the ‘typical’ singleton. As a young adult, when I got to know someone and revealed that I was an only child, I would relish hearing them say, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t have guessed.’”²⁵

Henry, 38, chimes in. “When someone says to me, ‘I wouldn’t have thought you were an only child,’ I consider that the supreme compliment.”

Both Henry and Genevieve were children and teens more than 20 years ago. Today, with the stereotypes vanquished or barely hanging on by the thinnest of threads, only children and their parents no longer stand out from other families.

CHAPTER TWELVE

The New Normal: Just One

“One child seemed like the perfect situation, why mess it up?”

—CONNIE, ONLY CHILD, MOTHER OF AN ONLY CHILD, AND PART OF A FOUR-GENERATION ONLY-CHILD DYNASTY

There was a time not so long ago that family size wasn’t discussed, my friend Carrie, who is in her early 60s, reminded me. “Twenty years ago and certainly before that the expectation was you had kids. No one told you; your parent didn’t tell you; women understood that. You have two kids; it’s what you did. I did it.”

The subject came up with another friend who is 10 years younger than Carrie and didn’t know any only-child families when she was growing up. “Every one of my friends had at least one sibling and more likely two or three.”

That was then, when the traditional family with two children was widely embraced. The once preferred family is not feasible for or desired by a large swath of the population today.

Based on the numbers, the one-child family is looking more and more like the new traditional family most everywhere. The European Large Families Confederation reports that 49 percent of families with children in the EU have one child, edging out families with two, 39 percent, and only 12 percent of European households are made up of three or more children.¹

Despite the numbers and enthusiasm, deciding family size is tricky territory, especially for those who want more children and have difficulties having them. At the very least, having a second child can be daunting. The fear of repeating a challenging first adoption or pregnancy, postpartum depression, or anxiety can lead to stopping with one child. When it came time to have another child, MaryBeth was leery of going through months of injections and doctor visits, as she did to have her first child. “It felt like a mountain to climb,” she says.

Some worry about finances or the impact a growing family could have on their job or career. For others, concern about global warming influences their one-child decision. Celeste is one of them. “My husband worries about the impact on the planet if we have a second child. Before we had our baby 15 months ago, we wondered if it was a good time to even have a child. I think about the climate problems a lot now that I have my son.”

A group of Swedish scientists studied carbon emissions and came up with recommendations to stem the problem. They put “have one fewer child” at the top of their list as the most effective action people can take.²

A review of research evaluating the impact of climate change on reproductive decision-making found that “climate change concerns were typically associated with less positive attitudes towards reproduction and a desire and/or intent for fewer children or none at all.”³

Respected news outlets like Barron’s underline the drop in birth rates, linking it to the fact that “parenthood is too pricey.” Responding to the Barron’s reporter, Christina Townsend, who has one child, said, “We had zero concerns that [having a child] would be this difficult financially. I feel like we’ve been pretty blindsided.” Townsend, like so many other parents, is “stressed by the high cost of housing, paired with unaffordable child care.”⁴

The Financial Times put the boom in one-child families bluntly and accurately, stating that “outside of sub-Saharan Africa, we seem to be heading for a world of only children.” No research or reporting contradicts the steady rise in one-child families.⁵

ONLY-CHILD DYNASTIES

With average family size decreasing, having “just one” is increasingly being done from one generation to the next. The resulting only-child dynasties underscore the trend. Count on seeing more of them, noticeably without the spoiled, entitled “little emperors” we heard so much about for so long. There’s already a clear pattern of only children having only children, and it comes with bragging rights.

“I’m an only who has an only child, and she has only one child,” boasts Penny, 75, who hopes her grandson will add to the family’s dynasty one day.

“Being an only child was what I knew. I never thought about having more than one,” Connie, 64, told me when I had asked her how many children she thought she wanted. “My mother is an only, my husband is an only, I’m an only, and my only son has an only child.” That’s four generations of only children . . . and counting.

“I’m an only child, and I have an only child, and I can’t imagine it any other way,” single parent Sa’iyda Shabazz wrote in an essay for the website Scary Mommy.⁶

Sheetal, mother of a young teenager, observes that only-child dynasties are blossoming in part because “people are more open to the idea of one child. It used to be tolerance and now it’s full-blown acceptance.”

Georgina described the altered attitude about only children: “I had my daughter 10 years ago and people didn’t hesitate to ask me when I was having another. When people find out that you only have one child now, the gasping and disbelief have stopped.”

That could well be because the benefits—tangible and intangible—can be obvious, or at the least measured. Georgina’s reflections fit many parents of one who contemplate having a second child: “We thought we wanted two until we had one. After she was born, I felt complete. As time marched on we didn’t want to do this again. I work and my husband travels a lot . . . we liked having a life, the life we can have with one child.”

Georgina spells out a host of other reasons. “We started a 529 early for our daughter; it’s not a big deal to pay for her activities and whatever equipment or special clothing she may need,” she says. “We take a great vacation every year, which we probably couldn’t afford if we had another child. I feel as if I’m a better mom; I don’t have to share my time. I’m calm, not frazzled, even with a full-time job. I feel so fulfilled.”

Yvonne, mother of a 4-year-old, knew she wanted one child who would be her sole focus as a parent. “Becoming a mother was my end-all, be-all, and my husband wasn’t pushing for a second,” she says. She sees her days as joyous and describes her opportunities to be in the moment as exciting.

“I feel like a child when I’m out with my 10-year-old son,” says Fredda, 42, echoing Yvonne’s joyousness. “When we are in the woods finding beetles and small creatures or wading in a stream, just the two of us, I can act like a child again.” She believes that’s something she wouldn’t be able to do if she had a second child who was too young to engage in such adventures.

The positive lived experiences of parents of one and their child make this a legacy many want to continue into the next generation.

SMALL FAMILY, LINGERING QUESTIONS

The “open season” on the only child that had been in full force has finally closed.

Nonetheless, a person might be educated and savvy in other ways and continue to foster antiquated bias, as did a pediatrician in her late 40s and the mother of two I spoke with. She discovered that she had a single-child prejudice. During our phone conversation, she confessed that when she started out as a young doctor, “I thought kids needed siblings. I changed that view as soon as I realized my patient load included more and more only children who were well adjusted, healthy, and happy.”⁷

Cultural bias is stubborn. Any offhanded comment from a parent, friend, or total stranger can resurrect those needling questions you thought you had resolved. Even with all you now know about only children, the benefits for them and you, you may waiver or wonder if you should rethink your plan. This could happen when you see someone’s newborn or a friend’s siblings playing well together, or when your own brother or sister goes out of their way for you.

Fortunately, you aren’t the first (and certainly won’t be the last) to wrestle with competing priorities and emotions. It can be helpful to hear how parents and only children handled questions and uncertainty that surfaced or resurfaced for them.

Is one child enough for me?

Yes, you can find fulfillment as a parent of one.

“Having a child is 100 percent life-changing and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s also the best thing I’ve ever done,” says Caitlyn, 47, mother of a 7-year-old. “I don’t need three children to feel exhausted or to feel like a mother. I am one. I enjoy all the things I get to experience with my daughter and through her eyes and am okay with going through this experience once. I don’t long for her to be a baby again and don’t worry about her getting older. I am truly living in the moment, being present with her.”

Jacquie, 51, whose son is 12, also likes that she can live in the moment with her child, while adding that because it’s the right decision for her, it doesn’t mean she can’t feel sadness or other emotions. “I take an approach that savors and accepts that our firsts will be our lasts as our son achieves different developmental milestones. I am able to manage these conflicting emotions.”

Like many other parents of only children, Mia, 37, mother of a 5-year-old, is firm that having one was correct for her. She didn’t think she’d be a parent in the first place, and her husband really wanted to be a dad. “I don’t have the mental capacity to cope with a second child,” she says. “I like my high-pressure job; I’m driven by my work and think having another child would upset the balance.”

Yvonne questions those who don’t feel that one isn’t enough. She thinks that “raising one child is a concentrated version of a multi-child family. With one you experience parenting to the fullest. It’s a similar focus and engagement; it just looks different.”

Am I being selfish by limiting my family to “just one”?

Americans, almost three-quarters of them (73 percent), recognize that it’s not possible to raise children without “making major personal sacrifices.”⁸

You may be asking yourself: Where do I draw the line between being selfish and having a life that allows me to be a content, happy person and parent? For parents of one, the answer may be that they focus on parenting and don’t worry about what others think.

Veronica, 37, who is part of an only-child dynasty, shared with me what she had posted on a members-only parenting board. To have one child, she asserts, is “seen as selfish, because children are the ultimate sacrifice. Those of us who attempt to make the best of all aspects of our worlds are often seen as greedy because we want it all. I WANT and love my child more than anything, but I also WANT a career and I really WANT a happy marriage. Adding another child to our lives would directly affect the three things that have the greatest impact on me.”

I pressed Veronica about ever feeling guilty about having one child and got a categorical NO. “Another child is not right for us. Could we? Yes, but with one we can take mental health time . . . and we can feel confident our 3-year-old is getting quality care.”

Stella, the mother of a 5-year-old, proclaims, “With one child, my dream life feels attainable. With two, I’m not so sure. I know that sounds selfish. I also know what’s best for my child is doing what is best for me.”

Mia calls having one child “self-preservation.” “We’re a tripod family,” she says. “To me that is an asset. Because we have one child, we can pass him off to each other so each of us gets to take a break. I would not be setting my child up for success if I have another child. One child gives us an opportunity to be with our son unstressed and not constantly worried about who is where and when. I don’t think that is selfish. For me it is self-preservation.”

For many parents, a twosome or threesome arrangement works for them, and they push back against anyone who tries to make them feel guilty for it. “I wish other people knew that I am not having one child because I am selfish. I am doing it to be the best mother I can be to my daughter,” Samantha states emphatically. “I am doing it from a place of selflessness. I want her to have the best of me, and I know I would not be able to give her the best with more than one child.”

Does my child need a sibling? Am I cheating my child?

No and no. “It is absurd to assume that one’s life—or one’s child’s life—is incomplete without a sibling. Of course, I want myself and my child to have a good life. But opting for an ‘only’ doesn’t force us to miss out on anything,” Allison Jack wrote in a personal essay for Salon.⁹

As Samantha and the science demonstrate, siblings are not the salve for raising content children. Pretty much everyone’s sibling experience is different, with some developing a strong bond and others having a neutral or negative experience. “I am sparing my daughter the reality that siblings aren’t always good people,” Samantha says. “As a child, I was traumatized by the constant teasing and bullying from my two older brothers. We don’t have much of a relationship now.”

Georgina looks at the sibling question differently. “I didn’t want one of my children to feel like a backseat kid, which I often did as the oldest. My two siblings needed more from my parents than I did. Not having to pick between siblings the way my parents had to do allows me to nurture my daughter’s life and that is a wonderful experience,” she reasons.

Will my child be labeled spoiled, selfish, lonely, or worse?

Unlikely. Parents have found such stereotypes aren’t supported by reality, and the new science has destroyed the long-held myths masquerading as fact. All those decades of only children and their parents being stigma-tized has passed.

“As an only child raising an only child, I find the ‘selfish/self- centered’ stereotype of onlies to be so very far from the truth,” 43-year-old Valerie proclaims. “Perhaps because we were raised with undivided care, we don’t feel the need to be so self-centered. Our daughter is more generous and willing to share than her peers who have siblings.”

Any label you’re talking about—spoiled, selfish, dependent, lonely—doesn’t hold up. We’ve come a long way since the 19th-century psychologist G. Stanley Hall characterized being an only child as a disease. The concept of “only child syndrome” has been obliterated by research showing how only children prevail in direct defiance of unsupported negative stereotypes.

How do I raise an empathetic, responsible, content only child?

You may believe, as was common thinking, that siblings provide a range of pluses that contribute to a child’s personality and his path in the world. Contrary to this generalized supposition, siblings have a negligible effect. Parents are the indispensable element in shaping a child’s personality and instilling desirable social and personal skills.

A review looking at vast amounts of data from the United States, Canada, and Germany found no link between the development of personality and the presence of siblings. Specifically, the data showed “no birth-order effects on extraversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness, or imagination.” In short, siblings don’t necessarily have “a lasting impact on a person’s life course.”¹⁰

Those findings have been confirmed repeatedly. On personality measures there is no distinction between only children and those with siblings in “leadership, citizenship, maturity, cooperativeness, flexibility, autonomy, internal locus of control, self-control, anxiety, emotional stability, contentment, extraversion, social participation, and peer popularity.” That’s a long list to ease any parent’s mind. Psychologist Toni Falbo summarizes by saying that “these findings suggest that growing up without siblings does not adversely affect personality outcomes.”¹¹

Parenting and family background matter more in a child’s development than being an only child. In a sweeping study that spanned different decades and countries, Alice Goisis, deputy research director at the Centre for Longitudinal Studies at University College in London, analyzed data from thousands of children born in 1946, 1958, 1970, and 2001. She concludes that the differences in children’s outcomes have more to do with family background and what emotional and financial resources are available than having siblings. She concludes: “Results suggest that having or not having siblings does not have a large impact, or at least has a smaller one compared to other family characteristics.”¹²

Meg, mother of one, along with almost everyone in the Only Child Research Project, ardently supports that finding. “It is up to us, as parents, to provide the tools and means for our child to thrive,” she says.

Think about the classic awards speech, be it at high school or college graduation or winning an Oscar. More times than not, recipients thank their parents. It’s not that a sibling couldn’t have a meaningful impact. Far more often gratitude is extended to “my parents who made this possible, who believed in me.”

THE NEW NORMAL

Singletons are well on their way to being the new traditional family. The pressure is off parents of onlies to have more children. Few parents today hear, as I did, “When are you having another?”

Starting families older is a significant factor in the reduced pressure to have a second child and a sure sign of acceptance of the one-child family. Harper’s family reassures me that that we live in a changed society. “I get almost no pressure. Most of my family tells me I don’t need another child. The pressure I feel is internal,” Harper, 42, admits. “My mind tells me we are done due to my age.”

“Everyone was shocked that I was so old having a baby at 45. No one considered pressuring me to have another,” Nancy told me.

“No one in my family pressured us,” Juliet, 43, reports. “They all understood what we had gone through with two expensive rounds of IVF.”

One thing is certain: The judgmental tide has shifted as women’s priorities have changed. The heat is off parents with one child at the same time those not wanting kids have become the target for pressure to start a family.

“My sister gets it much worse for not having kids than I do for not having another child,” Georgina confirms. Her sister is part of a growing group that has been labeled DINKs, Dual Income, No Kids.

It’s hard to argue with the fact that low birthrates indicate having one child is more common than ever in wealthy countries, including the US.¹³

In China, the government that once carried out forced abortions and levied steep fines for having more than one child is now encouraging larger families to counter the country’s shrinking and aging population. The newest propaganda adds children to outdoor sculptures that once had only one child, holds beauty pageants for pregnant women, and offers substantial enticements to encourage its citizens to have more babies. Most reject the government’s current campaign that “three is best.”¹⁴

Like the Chinese, parents of one elsewhere say that having a single child instead of multiple children has reduced the financial, emotional, and social stress they anticipated from raising a larger family. That’s one more reason many are stopping at one—as their parents often did.

Connie, 64, of the four-generation one-child dynasty, details the shift: “When I went to elementary school, no one in my class was an only child. When my son started school about 25 years later, half his class were only children.”

When MaryBeth, 42, was growing up, she knew only one other only child. “It’s very different now,” she says. “Most of our friends have one child; I can think of five in our immediate close circle.”

Not long ago, I attended a 2-year-old’s birthday party with eight sets of parents, and all except one couple (parents of three) were watching their only child play. Being curious, I quietly asked the parents of only children “Why one?” These families are committed to one child mainly because most of the mothers are older, nearing or into their 40s, or had infertility problems. Some of them felt residual pandemic uncertainty around growing a family or held on to a desire to pursue the goals and dreams they set for themselves. Above all, though, they want to do a stellar job as parents.

In a Pew research study, parents acknowledge that the job of raising children is harder than they thought it would be, and women say so more than men.¹⁵

Cassie compares her situation with one 7-year-old to her mother who raised four children and neighbors who each have two or more and work as she does. “They are stressed all the time. The stress is so much less for me.”

Veronica, 37, is certain that her 3-year-old will be her first and last. “We are not planning to have any more. One is hard enough,” she told me.

Many other parents of one, like Akiko, 39, are equally convinced that one child was the right decision for their family. “We were so confident in our choice, there was no pain in making it for us,” she says. “With one child we make decisions that allow us to focus on our 6-year-old and keep our relationship front and center with time for the two of us to be together.”

Expectations around motherhood have changed and opportunities for women to work outside the home are countless, but it can still be hard to say “I’m one and done.” To help her figure it out, Phoebe, 35, contrasts her mother’s life with her own: “My mom gave up an impressive corporate job to be a full-time parent. She adopted the stay-at-home mom/ bread-winner dad model of past generations. I often wonder if she has daydreamed of a different path—a road that didn’t include babies and abandoning her career. I actively work to unlearn that script, the one that reads a good wife puts her husband and children above her own needs. I reject the view that the greater the sacrifice, the greater the mother.

“For as long as I can remember, I’ve known I wanted both a career and a family. I hit the jackpot with my awesome little boy. My husband and I have more time as individuals to pour energy back into our marriage and therefore are happier parents. A second child seems like it could bring me to a crossroad where my mother was. I want to retain all my identities—mother, wife, career person, friend. Those are all equally important pieces of what makes me me and having one child allows me to do that.”

Whatever your situation, there’s no need to explain your personal “why” for having one offspring. Instead of worrying about what others may think, parents of only children can concentrate on the kind of parents they want to be, and how they can help their only children become their best selves.

It’s clear that society is open to and welcoming of one-child families. That squares with the science showing how kids flourish without siblings, and that old, negative singleton labels are not only unjustified but also mostly ignored. “I don’t even think about my son as an only child,” Faye says. “When I meet his teenage buddies, they have more of the only-child stereotypical stigmas than my boy.”

Despite the massive amount of research done on families, none confirms that one child or more children constitute a better, more joyful family. You are a parent and you are a family, whether you have one child or multiple children. Just ask Courtney, 45, married mother of an only child. “We should normalize having one child, and we have,” she points out. “It’s a great workable solution.”

More and more parents like Courtney finally feel free and are happy to make the one-child decision when it is good for them. “I am grateful to live in a society that allows you to make choices,” she says.

Whether by choice or circumstance, the one-child family and the dynasties it builds are ubiquitous. Like so many others, Cristina, 42, and her only child are part of a budding dynasty. She is keenly aware of the societal changes that have decreased family size and the dynamics that make single-child families work so well. Her position is “being an only child today is unremarkable; it’s commonplace.” Indeed, it has become the new normal.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

When I put the word out on social media that I was conducting a study about only children, the response from parents of one and adult only children was robust and extensive, reaching around the globe. What surprised me were notes from people I had interviewed for an earlier book on this topic who wanted to let me know how their only children were doing a dozen or so years later and what they learned about raising one child. More accurately, they wanted to boast about what they felt was a winning one-child decision for them.

I thank them and the new subjects who provided their raw and very personal stories for Just One. They answered my questions with candor and thoughtful perspectives. There would be no book without them. The most important acknowledgment is to these volunteers, people whose exact identities you will never know. I kept my promise of anonymity, but I won’t forget each of your names and your contributions now abundantly incorporated in the text.

Among those who can be named are my agent John Willig, determined, decisive, and ready to go to bat for me at every turn, and Jonathan Kurtz, executive editor at Prometheus Books, who, like John, recognized the immense cultural shifts that fuel the drive to smaller families, especially the one-child family. Their enthusiasm for the project propelled me to my goal of explaining single-child families and their elevated—and now desirable and popular—position in society. Thank you, John and Jonathan.

For his stellar editorial input when Just One was a book concept and through to its final pages, thank you, Michael O. Schroeder. Michael provided invaluable balance from his large-family perspective and let me know when my words or meaning strayed. Stirling Ricigliano-Hoskins was a vital assistant, juggling volumes of data. She diligently protected the identities of all participants and kept the research documents organized, and she made it seemingly effortless, always accurate. A special thank-you for helping to keep me sane.

Writing a book demands determination and time. The hours invested are lost to being with family and friends. To those in my life who accepted my absences graciously, thank you. To my always supportive husband, Richard, and my forever caring and loyal friends, too many to recognize individually, I welcomed and value your encouragement from the initial idea for Just One to the copy you hold in your hands. I feel extremely lucky to have you in my life.

NOTES

INTRODUCTION

1. Camilla Cavendish, “The Only Child Is Becoming the Norm,” Financial Times, August 2, 2019, https://www.ft.com/content/89dbabf8-b442-11e9-bec9-fdcab53d6959.

2. United States Census, “America’s Families and Living Arrangements,” Table A3: Parents with Coresident Children under 18, by Living Arrangement, Sex, and Selected Characteristics: 2020 and Table AVG3: Average Number of People per Family Household with Own Children under 18, by Race and Hispanic Origin, Marital Status, Age, and Education of Householder: 2020, https://www.census.gov/data/tables/2020/demo/families/cps-2020.html.

3. Veera Korhonen, “Number of Families in the United States by Number of Children under 18 Living in the Household from 2000 to 2022,” Statista, July 5, 2024, https://www.statista.com/statistics/183790/number-of-families-in-the-us-by-number-of-children.

4. Chelsea Sheasley, “The Rise of the Only Child: Why More Families Are Happy with One,” Christian Science Monitor, July 24, 2019, https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2019/0724/The-rise-of-the-only-child-Why-more-families-are-happy-with-one.

CHAPTER 1: FUELING THE TREND

1. David Brooks, “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake,” The Atlantic, March 2020, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/?utm.

2. Rich Mendez, “U.S. Birth and Fertility Rates in 2020 Dropped to Another Record Low, CDC Says,” CNBC, May 5, 2021, https://www.cnbc.com/2021/05/05/us-birth-and-fertility-rates-dropped-to-another-record-low-in-2020-cdc-says.html.

3. World Bank Data Group, “Fertility Rate, Total (Births per Woman),” 2022 Revision, https://data.worldbank.org/indicator/sp.dyn.tfrt.in.

4. Max Roser, “Fertility Rate,” Our World in Data, March 2024, https://ourworldindata.org/fertility-rate.

5. UK National Archives, “Additional Figures, Maps and Tables on the Key Aspects of Demographic Change and Its Impact,” March 22, 2022, 10, 25, https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20220322085221/https://europeanmemoranda.cabinetoffice.gov.uk//files/2020/06/SWD_2020_109_Pt_1.pdf.

6. Office for National Statistics, “Families and Households in the UK: 2023,” Census 2021, May 8, 2024, https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/bulletins/familiesandhouseholds/2023.

7. “Number of Families in Canada in 2020, by Number of Children,” Statista, July 4, 2024, https://www.statista.com/statistics/479517/number-of-families-in-canada-by-number-of-children.

8. “China Is Trying to Get People to Have More Babies,” The Economist, September 29, 2022, https://www.economist.com/china/2022/09/29/china-is-trying-to-get-people-to-have-more-babies.

9. Jihye Lee, “The #NoMarriage Movement Is Adding to Korea’s Economic Woes,” Bloomberg, July 23, 2019, https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-07-23/the-nomarriage-movement-is-adding-to-korea-s-economic-woes.

10. Anna Louie Sussman, “The End of Babies,” New York Times, November 16, 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/11/16/opinion/sunday/capitalism-children.html.

11. Alice Goisis, Jenny Chanfreau, Vanessa Moulton, and George B. Ploubidis, “Only Children and Cognitive Ability in Childhood: A Cross-Cohort Analysis over 50 Years in the United Kingdom,” Population and Development Review 49, no. 2 (June 2023): 319–49, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/padr.12560.

12. Sussman, “End of Babies.”

13. Joe Pinsker, “Will Coronavirus Deaths Affect the U.S. Population?” The Atlantic, July 23, 2020, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/07/us-coronavirus-deaths-births-population/614503.

14. Anna Brown, “Growing Share of Childless Adults in U.S. Don’t Expect to Ever Have Children,” Pew Research Center, November, 19, 2021, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2021/11/19/growing-share-of-childless-adults-in-u-s-dont-expect-to-ever-have-children.

15. Lisa Martine Jenkins, “1 in 4 Childless Adults Say Climate Change Has Factored Into Their Reproductive Decisions,” Morning Consult, September 28, 2020, https://pro.morningconsult.com/articles/adults-children-climate-change-polling.

16. “Let’s Celebrate a Lower Birthrate, Not Lament It,” Opinion-Letters, New York Times, June 5, 2021, https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/05/opinion/letters/population-birthrate.html.

17. Gretchen Livingston, “They’re Waiting Longer, but U.S. Women Today More Likely to Have Children Than a Decade Ago,” Pew Research Center, January 18, 2018, https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2018/01/18/theyre-waiting-longer-but-u-s-women-today-more-likely-to-have-children-than-a-decade-ago.

18. Julie Graves, telephone conversation, July 30, 2020.

19. Lixia Qu, “Families Then & Now: Having Children,” Australian Institute of Family Studies, July 2020, https://aifs.gov.au/research/research-reports/families-Then-now-having-children.

20. Francesca Scala and Michael Orsini, “Problematising Older Motherhood in Canada: Ageism, Ableism, and the Risky Maternal Subject,” Health, Risk & Society 24, no. 3-4 (March 28, 2022): 149–66, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13698575.2022.2057453.

21. “The State of American Households: Smaller, More Diverse and Unmarried,” U.S. News & World Report, February 14, 2020, https://www.usnews.com/news/elections/articles/2020-02-14/the-state-of-american-households-smaller-more-diverse-and-unmarried.

22. Bella DePaulo, email correspondence, January 28, 2025.

23. United States Census Bureau, “National Single Parent Day: March 21, 2024,” https://www.census.gov/newsroom/stories/single-parent-day.html.

24. Stephanie Kramer, “U.S. Has World’s Highest Rate of Children Living in Single-Parent Households,” Pew Research Center, December 12, 2019, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent.

25. Emma Goldberg, “Your Boss Will Freeze Your Eggs Now,” New York Times, June 29, 2024, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/29/business/egg-freezing-fertility-benefits.html.

26. “For First-Time Moms, 40 Is the New 30,” CBS News, May 8, 2016, https://www.cbsnews.com/news/for-first-time-moms-40-is-the-new-30.

27. National Center for Health Statistics, “U.S. Fertility Rate Drops to Another Historic Low,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, April 25, 2024, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2024/20240525.htm.

28. Suzy Becker, One Good Egg: An Illustrated Memoir (New York: Bloomsbury, 2013).

29. Gretchen Livingston, “A Third of U.S. Adults Say They Have Used Fertility Treatments or Know Someone Who Has,” Pew Research Center, July 17, 2018, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/07/17/a-third-of-u-s-adults-say-they-have-used-fertility-treatments-or-know-someone-who-has.

30. Maggie Doherty, The Equivalents: A Story of Art, Female Friendship, and Liberation in the 1960s (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2020), xxi.

31. Carolina Aragão, “Gender Pay Gap in U.S. Hasn’t Changed Much in Two Decades,” Pew Research Center, March 1, 2023, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/03/01/gender-pay-gap-facts.

32. Maylin Meisenheimer, “China’s Baby Blues: When Better Policies for Women Backfire,” Council on Foreign Relations, from Asia Unbound, July 5, 2018, https://www.cfr.org/blog/chinas-baby-blues-when-better-policies-women-backfire.

33. Claudia Goldin, Career and Family: Women’s Century-Long Journey toward Equity (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2021), 209–16.

34. Marvalene LaPonsie, Barri Segal, and Tanza Loudenback, “How Much Does It Cost to Raise a Child?” U.S. News & World Report, May 9, 2024, https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/how-much-does-it-cost-to-raise-a-child.

35. Simone Workman, “The True Cost of High-Quality Child Care across the United States,” Center for American Progress, June 28, 2021, https://www.americanprogress.org/article/true-cost-high-quality-child-care-across-united-states.

36. Care.com Editorial Staff, “This Is How Much Child Care Costs in 2024,” Care, January 17, 2024, https://www.care.com/c/how-much-does-child-care-cost.

37. Fred Pearce, The Coming Population Crash and Our Planet’s Surprising Future (Boston: Beacon Press, 2010), 248.

CHAPTER 2: HOW WE DECIDE

1. Mike Birbiglia and J. Hope Stein, The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad (New York: Grand Central Publishing, 2020), 51.

2. Philip Fernbach and Steven Sloman, “Why We Believe Obvious Untruths,” New York Times, March 5, 2017, 11.

3. Yana Fandakova, Elliott G. Johnson, and Simona Ghetti, “Distinct Neural Mechanisms Underlie Subjective and Objective Recollection and Guide Memory-Based Decision Making,” eLife, March 9, 2021, https://elifesciences.org/articles/62520.

4. Julia Lifanov, Juan Linde-Domingo, and Maria Wimber, “Feature-Specific Reaction Times Reveal a Semanticisation of Memories over Time and with Repeated Remembering,” Nature Communications 12 (May 26, 2021): 3177, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34039970.

5. Kim Tingley, “Could Better Public Health Messaging Persuade More People to Change Their Behavior in Ways That Would Curb the Pandemic?” New York Times Magazine, December 13, 2020, 14–16.

6. Jeroen Brus, Helena Aebersold, Marcus Grueschow, and Rafael Polania, “Sources of Confidence in Value-Based Choice,” Nature Communications 12 (December 17, 2021): 7337, https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-021-27618-5.

7. David DiSalvo, What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2011), 143–44.

8. DiSalvo, What Makes Your Brain Happy, 213.

9. Laurie Santos, “In Pursuit of Happiness: A Live Virtual Event,” The Atlantic, May 13, 2021, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/05/in-pursuit-of-happiness-a-live-virtual-event/618876.

10. Birbiglia and Stein, New One, 51.

CHAPTER 3: AN EMOTIONAL TUG-OF-WAR

1. Gretchen Livingston, “A Third of U.S. Adults Say They Have Used Fertility Treatments or Know Someone Who Has,” Pew Research Center, July 17, 2018, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/07/17/a-third-of-u-s-adults-say-they-have-used-fertility-treatments-or-know-someone-who-has.

2. Elizabeth J. Wenden, Leanne Lester, Stephen R. Zubrick, Michelle Ng, and Hayley E. Christian, “The Relationship between Dog Ownership, Dog Play, Family Dog Walking, and Pre-Schooler Social–Emotional Development: Findings from the PLAYCE Observational Study,” Pediatric Research 89 (March 2021): 1013–19, https://doi.org/10.1038/s41390-020-1007-2.

CHAPTER 4: STILL ON THE FENCE

1. Laurie Santos, “In Pursuit of Happiness: A Live Virtual Event,” The Atlantic, May 13, 2021, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/05/in-pursuit-of-happiness-a-live-virtual-event/618876.

2. Adam Grant, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know (New York: Penguin Books, 2021), jacket, 12.

3. Claudia Goldin, Career and Family: Women’s Century-Long Journey toward Equity (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2021), 6.

4. Carolina Aragao, “Gender Pay Gap in U.S. Hasn’t Changed Much in Two Decades,” Pew Research Center, March 1, 2023, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/03/01/gender-pay-gap-facts.

5. Tom Armitage, “Merkel Helps German Mums Shed ‘Raven Mother’ Tag,” Reuters, August 9, 2007, https://www.reuters.com/article/idUKL2758192720070307.

6. Shelley Corell, “Combating Gender Bias in Modern Workplaces,” in Handbook of the Sociology of Gender, ed. Barbara J. Risman, Carissa M. Froyum, and William J. Scarborough (Cham, Switzerland: Springer, 2018), 509–21, https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-76333-0_37.

7. Michelle J. Budig, Joya Misra, and Irene Boeckmann, “Work-Family Policy Trade-Offs for Mothers? Unpacking the Cross-National Variation in Motherhood Earnings Penalties,” Work and Occupations 43, no. 2 (May 2016): 119–77, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0730888415615385.

8. Michelle J. Budig, “The Fatherhood Bonus and the Motherhood Penalty: Parenthood and the Gender Gap in Pay,” Third Way, September 2, 2014, https://www.thirdway.org/report/the-fatherhood-bonus-and-the-motherhood-penalty-parenthood-and-the-gender-gap-in-pay.

9. Gretchen Livingston, “Most Dads Say They Spend Too Little Time with Their Children,” Pew Research Center, January 8, 2018, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/01/08/most-dads-say-they-spend-too-little-time-with-their-children-about-a-quarter-live-apart-from-them.

10. Lynn Sherr, “A Conversation with Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg,” Record of the Association of the Bar of the City of New York 56, no. 1 (Winter 2001): 9–22, https://www2.nycbar.org/Publications/record/winter01.1.pdf.

11. Caitlyn Collins, Liana Christin Landivar, Leah Ruppanner, and William J. Scarborough, “COVID‐19 and the Gender Gap in Work Hours,” Gender, Work & Organization 28, no. S1 (January 2021): 101–12, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/gwao.12506.

12. Francine M. Deutsch and Ruth A. Gaunt, Creating Equality at Home: How 25 Couples around the World Share Housework and Childcare (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2020), 391.

13. Susan Newman, “Are You Getting the Short End of the Paternity-Leave Stick?” Psychology Today, August 15, 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201908/are-you-getting-the-short-end-of-the-paternity-leave-stick.

14. Lidia Farre and Libertad González, “Does Paternity Leave Reduce Fertility?” Journal of Public Economics 172 (April 2019): 52–66, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpubeco.2018.12.002.

15. Goldin, Career and Family, 9.

16. Bobbi Thomason and Michael Cusumano, “How Working Dads Can Keep Pulling Their Weight at Home When WFH Ends,” Harvard Business Review, July 22, 2021, https://hbr.org/2021/07/how-working-dads-can-keep-pulling-their-weight-at-home-when-wfh-ends.

17. Emiko Jozuka, “Inside the Japanese Town That Pays Cash for Kids,” CNN Health, February 3, 2019, https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/27/health/japan-fertility-birth-rate-children-intl/index.html.

18. Santos, “In Pursuit of Happiness.”

19. Hans-Peter Kohler, Jere R. Behrman, and Axel Skytthe, “Partner + Children = Happiness? The Effects of Partnerships and Fertility on Well-Being,” Population and Development Review 31, no. 3 (September 2005): 407–45, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1728-4457.2005.00078.x.

20. “One Baby or Two? Study Looks at Effect of Having Second Child,” Penn Today, February 23, 2006, https://penntoday.upenn.edu/2006-02-23/research/one-baby-or-two-study-looks-effect-having-second-child.

21. Leah Ruppanner, Francisco Perales, and Janeen Baxter, “Harried and Unhealthy? Parenthood, Time Pressure, and Mental Health,” Journal of Marriage and Family 81, no. 2 (April 2019): 308–26, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jomf.12531.

22. Katie Bingham-Smith, “Having a Newborn and Toddlers at the Same Time Means Absolute Chaos,” Scary Mommy, June 3, 2021, https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/bringing-home-newborn-toddler.

23. Kohler, Behrman, and Skytthe, “Partner + Children.”

24. Helen Vnuk, “‘I Would Make the Same Choice Again.’ 9 Mothers on How They Knew They Were ‘One and Done,’” Mamamia, April 7, 2021, https://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting-an-only-child.

CHAPTER 5: THE FALL OF ONLY-CHILD STEREOTYPES

1. Wray Herbert, What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite (New York: Prometheus Books, 2011), 10.

2. Kirsten Weir, “A New Concept of Aging,” Monitor on Psychology, March 2023, 36–43, https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/2023-03-monitor.pdf.

3. Lin Bian, Sarah-Jane Leslie, and Andrei Cimpian, “Gender Stereotypes about Intellectual Ability Emerge Early and Influence Children’s Interests,” Science 355, no. 6323 (January 27, 2017): 389–91, https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aah6524.

4. Susan Newman, “When Will the Duggars Stop?” Psychology Today, December 13, 2009, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/200912/when-will-the-duggars-stop.

5. Norman Fenton, “The Only Child,” Pedagogical Seminary and Journal of Genetic Psychology 35, no. 4 (1928): 546–56, https://doi.org/10.1080/08856559.1928.10532171.

6. E. W. Bohannon, “A Study of Peculiar and Exceptional Children,” Pedagogical Seminary 4, no. 1 (1896): 3–60, https://doi.org/10.1080/08919402.1896.10532955.

7. John Levy, “A Comparative Study of Behavior Problems in Relation to Family Constellation,” American Journal of Psychiatry 10 (1931): 637–54.

8. A. A. Campbell, “The Personality Adjustments of Only Children,” Psychological Bulletin 31, no. 3 (1934): 193–203, https://doi.org/10.1037/h0072693.

9. Jenna Goudreau, “Here’s Why Only Children Are More Successful,” Business Insider, November 6, 2013, https://www.businessinsider.com/heres-why-only-children-are-more-successful-2013-11.

10. Sam Wang and Sandra Aamodt, “Your Brain Lies to You,” New York Times, June 2, 2008, https://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/27/opinion/27aamodt.html.

11. Chelsea Sheasle, “The Rise of the Only Child: Why More Families Are Happy with One,” Christian Science Monitor, July 24, 2019, https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2019/0724/The-rise-of-the-only-child-Why-more-families-are-happy-with-one.

12. Shi Lihong, “Why Some Rural Families Have Stopped Trying for Sons,” Sixth Tone, November 7, 2019, https://www.sixthtone.com/news/1004796.

13. Toni Falbo, “The Only Child: A Review,” Journal of Individual Psychology 33, no. 1 (May 1, 1977): 47–61, https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1979-13076-001.

14. Toni Falbo and Denise F. Polit, “Quantitative Review of the Only Child Literature: Research Evidence and Theory Development,” Psychological Bulletin 100, no. 2 (1986): 176–89, https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.100.2.176.

15. Judith Blake, “Family Size and the Quality of Children,” Demography 18, no. 4 (November 1, 1981): 421–42, https://doi.org/10.2307/2060941.

16. Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, NutureShock: New Thinking about Children (New York: Twelve, 2009), 117–19.

17. Junyi Yang, Xin Hou, Dongtao Wei, Kangcheng Wang, Yadan Li, and Jiang Qiu, “Only-Child and Non-Only-Child Exhibit Differences in Creativity and Agreeableness: Evidence from Behavioral and Anatomical Structural Studies,” Brain Imaging and Behavior 11 (April 2017): 493–502, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11682-016-9530-9.

18. C. Bohn, M. Vogel, T. Poulain, A. Hiemisch, W. Kiess, and A. Körner, “Having Siblings Promotes a More Healthy Weight Status—Whereas Only Children Are at Greater Risk for Higher BMI in Later Childhood,” PLOS One 17, no. 7 (July 19, 2022): e0271676, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9295960.

19. S. Lin, T. Falbo, W. Qu, Y. Wang, and X. Feng, “Chinese Only Children and Loneliness: Stereotypes and Realities,” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 91, no. 4 (2021): 531–44, https://doi.org/10.1037/ort0000554.

20. Daniel A. Cox, “Emerging Trends and Enduring Patterns in American Family Life,” Survey Center on American Life, February 9, 2022, https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/emerging-trends-and-enduring-patterns-in-american-family-life.

21. Jing Xu, Zoom conversation, April 16, 2024.

22. Michael Dufner, Mitja D. Back, Franz F. Oehme, and Stefan C. Schmukle, “The End of a Stereotype: Only Children Are Not More Narcissistic Than People with Siblings,” Social Psychological and Personality Science 11, no. 3 (April 2020): 416–24, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550619870785.

23. Joshua D. Foster, Jennifer R. Raley, and Joshua D. Isen, “Further Evidence That Only Children Are Not More Narcissistic Than Individuals with Siblings,” Personality and Individual Differences 161 (July 15, 2020): 109977, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.109977.

24. Jing Xu, The Good Child: Moral Development in a Chinese Preschool (Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press, 2017), 38–42.

25. Fredrik Carlsson, Elina Lampi, Peter Martinsson, Qin Tu, and Xiaojun Yang, “Are Only-Children Different? Evidence from a Lab-in-the-Field Experiment of the Chinese One-Child Policy,” PLOS One 17, no. 11 (November 8, 2022): e0277210, https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0277210.

26. Marjorie Taylor, Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them (New York: Oxford University Press, 2001).

27. Z. Y. Panah, H. Z. Mahmoodabadi, and F. Dehghani, “The Role of Imaginary Companion in the Life of Only Children: A Qualitative Study,” BMC Psychiatry 23 (November 15, 2023): 843, https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-05360-0.

28. Meredith Jones Russell, “All About... Imaginary Friends.” Nursery World 2019, no. 12 (June 10, 2019): 23–26, https://doi.org/10.12968/nuwa.2019.12.23.

29. Rona L. Levy, Tasha B. Murphy, Kendra Kamp, Shelby L. Langer, and Miranda A. L. van Tilburg, “Parental Response to Only Children: Breaking the Stereotypes,” Children 8, no. 7 (July 17, 2021): 605, https://doi.org/10.3390/children8070605.

CHAPTER 6: THE THINGS YOU WORRY ABOUT

1. Leonard Sax, The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups (New York: Basic Books, 2016), 204.

2. Manoush Zomorodi, Bored and Brilliant: How Spacing Out Can Unlock Your Most Productive and Creative Self (New York: Picador, 2018), 19, 29.

3. “Magda Gerber’s Basic RIE Principles,” excerpt from “Resources for Infant Educarers” (brochure), ca. 1978, Magda Gerber Legacy, 2022, https://magdagerber.org/magdas-writings/magda-gerbers-basic-rie-basic-principles.

4. Janet Lansbury, “The Myth of Baby Boredom,” Janet Lansbury Elevating Child Care, September 19, 2009, https://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/09/the-myth-of-baby-boredom.

5. Michele Borba, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 2021), 172–73.

6. Michele Borba, telephone conversation, September 3, 2020.

7. Andreas Elpidorou, “The Bright Side of Boredom,” Frontiers in Psychology 5 (November 2, 2014): 118190, https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01245/full.

8. Kim van Broekhoven, David Cropley, and Philipp Seegers, “Differences in Creativity across Art and STEM Students: We Are More Alike Than Unalike,” Thinking Skills and Creativity 38 (December 2020): 100707, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1871187120301814.

9. Junyi Yang, Xin Hou, Dongtao Wei, Kangcheng Wang, Yadan Li, and Jiang Qiu, “Only-Child and Non-Only-Child Exhibit Differences in Creativity and Agreeableness: Evidence from Behavioral and Anatomical Structural Studies,” Brain Imaging and Behavior 11 (April 2017): 493–502, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11682-016-9530-9.

10. Steven Levy, “Steve Jobs, 1955–2011,” Wired, October 5, 2011, https://www.wired.com/2011/10/steve-jobs-1955-2011.

11. Golf Channel, “World No. 1 Rory McIlroy Reflects on Childhood, Success in Golf,” GolfPass: My Roots, YouTube, February 10, 2020, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51zGzsvYOCU.

12. Michael Hainey, “Lin-Manuel Miranda Thinks the Key to Parenting Is a Little Less Parenting,” GQ, April 26, 2016, https://www.gq.com/story/unexpected-lin-manuel-miranda.

13. Sebastian Deri, Shai Davidai, and Thomas Gilovich, “Home Alone: Why People Believe Others’ Social Lives Are Richer Than Their Own,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113, no. 6 (December 2017): 858–77, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29189037.

14. O. Lavenda, “Contemporary Parenting and Its Association with Parents’ Well-Being in the Face of COVID-19: The Mediating Role of Guilt,” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 92, no. 1 (2022): 11–17, https://doi.org/10.1037/ort0000581.

15. C. Segrin, T. J. Burke, and T. Kauer, “Overparenting Is Associated with Perfectionism in Parents of Young Adults,” Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice 9, no. 3 (2020): 181-90, https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000143.

16. Aliza Pressman, The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans (New York: Simon Element, 2024), chap. 7.

CHAPTER 7: PARENTING YOUR ONLY CHILD

1. Harold S. Koplewicz, Scaffold Parenting: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety (New York: Harmony, 2021), 4.

2. Katie Hurley, The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World (New York: Tarcher Perigee, 2015).

3. Xuan Li, email correspondence, September 10, 2021.

4. Yang Ke, “How China’s Middle-Class Moms Became Their Kids’ ‘Agents,’” Sixth Tone, August 21, 2018, https://www.sixthtone.com/news/1002799.

5. Amanda C. Richardson, Johnny Lo, Lynn Priddis, and Therese A. O’Sullivan, “A Quasi-Experimental Study of the Respectful Approach on Early Parenting Competence and Stress,” Journal of Child and Family Studies 29 (October 2020): 2796–810, https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-020-01762-w.

6. Jancee Dunn, “My Marriage Has a Third Wheel: Our Child,” New York Times, April 13, 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/only-child-marriage.html.

7. Yunsen Li, Yunlu Li, Gang Chen, and Jing Yang, “Being an Only Child and Children’s Prosocial Behaviors: Evidence from Rural China and the Role of Parenting Styles,” Humanities & Social Sciences Communications 11 (May 1, 2024): 551, https://doi.org/10.1057/s41599-024-03078-2.

8. Leonard Sax, The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups (New York: Basic Books, 2016).

9. Douglas B. Downey and Benjamin G. Gibbs, “Kids These Days: Are Face-to-Face Social Skills among American Children Declining?” American Journal of Sociology 125, no. 4 (January 2020): 1030, https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/707985.

10. Lucía Alcalá, Barbara Rogoff, Rebeca Mejía-Arauz, Andrew D. Coppens, and Amy L. Dexter, “Children’s Initiative in Contributions to Family Work in Indigenous-Heritage and Cosmopolitan Communities in Mexico,” Human Development 57, no. 2-3 (June 2014): 96–115, https://doi.org/10.1159/000356763.

11. Bill Murphy Jr., “Kids Who Do Chores Are More Successful Adults,” Inc., March 29, 2017, https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/kids-who-do-chores-are-more-successful-adults-according-to-science.html.

12. Marty Rossmann, “Involving Children in Household Tasks: Is It Worth the Effort?” University of Minnesota, September 2002, https://ghk.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/15/12/55071e0298a05_-_Involving-children-in-household-tasks-U-of-M.pdf.

13. Elizabeth M. White, Mark D. Deboer, and Rebecca J. Scharf, “Associations between Household Chores and Childhood Self-Competency,” Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics 40, no. 3 (April 2019): 176–82, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30507727.

14. Koplewicz, Scaffold Parenting, 11.

CHAPTER 8: THINKING ABOUT PARENTING DIFFERENTLY

1. Keith Gessen, “Sports Meant So Much to Me. Why Wouldn’t My Son Play?” New York Times Magazine, March 16, 2021, https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/16/magazine/sports-children-kids.html.

2. Alison Gopnik, The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us about the Relationship between Parents and Children (New York: Picador, 2017), 9, 26

3. Gessen, “Sports Meant So Much to Me.”

4. J. Du, “A Longitudinal Study on the Relationship between Parents’ Excessive Expectations and the Academic Achievement of Middle School Students in Mathematics,” PhD thesis (in Chinese), Qufu Normal University, Jining, 2018.

5. K. Murayama, R. Pekrun, M. Suzuki, H. W. Marsh, and S. Lichtenfeld, “Don’t Aim Too High for Your Kids: Parental Overaspiration Undermines Students’ Learning in Mathematics,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 111, no. 5 (November 2016): 766–79, https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000079.

6. Chaochao Jia, Zhaoxi Yang, Tao Xin, Youfa Li, Yehui Wang, and Tao Yang, “Differences in School Performance between Only Children and Non-Only Children: Evidence from China,” Frontiers in Psychology 12 (January 12, 2022), https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.608704/full.

7. Shi Lihong, “Their Only Child Gone, ‘Shidu’ Parents Shun China’s Kid-Centric Society,” Sixth Tone, January 19, 2021, https://www.sixthtone.com/news/1006719.

8. Lucy Emery, Anne Libera, Erik Lehman, and Benjamin H. Levi, “Humor in Parenting: Does It Have a Role?” PLOS One 19, no. 7 (July 17, 2024): e0306311, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0306311.

CHAPTER 9: NO SIBLING: AM I CHEATING MY CHILD?

1. Samantha Mythen, “Lessons in Loneliness, from an ‘Adjusted’ Only Child,” Ensemble, June 10, 2023, https://www.ensemblemagazine.co.nz/articles/lonely-only-child.

2. Bryan Caplan, “The Breeders’ Cup,” Wall Street Journal, June 19, 2010, https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704289504575313201221533826.

3. Samantha Olson, “Brothers and Sisters and Nobody: The Science behind Their Personality and Health,” Medical Daily, January 14, 2015, https://www.medicaldaily.com/brothers-and-sisters-and-nobody-science-behind-their-personality-and-health-317912.

4. J. G. Claudy, W. S. Farrell, and C. W. Dayton, The Consequences of Being an Only Child: An Analysis of Project Talent Data (Palo Alto, CA: American Institutes for Research, 1979).

5. Bill Murphy Jr., “Want to Be Truly Happy? Here’s the Only Thing Harvard Researchers Say You Absolutely Need,” Inc., March 3, 2016, https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/want-to-be-truly-happy-harvard-researchers-say-this-is-the-one-thing-you-absolut.html.

6. Michael Miller, “What Makes a Good Life?” Six Seconds, April 19, 2021, https://www.6seconds.org/2021/04/19/harvard-grant-study.

7. Brenda Volling, telephone conversation, May 10, 2023.

8. Karsten Hank and Anja Steinbach, “Sibling Estrangement in Adulthood,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 40, no. 4 (April 2023): 1277–87, https://journals.sagepub.com/toc/spra/40/4.

9. Daniel A. Cox, “Emerging Trends and Enduring Patterns in American Family Life,” Survey Center on American Life, February 9, 2022, https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/emerging-trends-and-enduring-patterns-in-american-family-life.

10. Samantha Punch, “‘You Can Do Nasty Things to Your Brothers and Sisters without a Reason’: Siblings’ Backstage Behaviour,” Children & Society 22 (2008): 333–44, https://www.academia.edu/20528794.

11. Lucy Blake, Becca Bland, and Alison Rouncefild-Swales, “Estrangement between Siblings in Adulthood: A Qualitative Exploration,” Journal of Family Issues 44, no. 7 (July 2023): 1859–79, https://journals.sagepub.com/toc/jfia/44/7.

12. Michal Perlman, Daniel A. Garfinkel, and Sheri L. Turrell, “Parent and Sibling Influences on the Quality of Children’s Conflict Behavior across the Preschool Period,” Social Development 16, no. 4 (November 2007): 619–41, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00402.x.

13. Andreanne Plamondon, Genevieve Bouchard, and Mylene Lachance-Grzela, “Family Dynamics and Young Adults’ Well-Being: The Mediating Role of Sibling Bullying,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 36, no. 9-10 (May 2021): NP5362–84, https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260518800313.

14. Douglas B. Downey and Rui Cao, “Number of Siblings and Mental Health among Adolescents: Evidence from the U.S. and China,” Journal of Family Issues 45, no. 11 (November 2024): 2822–50, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0192513X231220045.

15. Anonymous, “To Protect My Daughter from the Abuse I Survived, She Will Be an Only Child,” Rewire News Group, August 8, 2018, https://rewirenewsgroup.com/2018/08/08/to-protect-my-daughter-from-the-abuse-i-survived-she-will-be-an-only-child.

16. Plamondon, Bouchard, and Lachance-Grzela, “Family Dynamics.”

17. Slava Dantchev, Matthew Hickman, Jon Heron, Stanley Zammit, and Dieter Wolke, “The Independent and Cumulative Effects of Sibling and Peer Bullying in Childhood on Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, and Self-Harm in Adulthood,” Frontiers in Psychiatry 10 (September 23, 2019), https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00651/full.

18. Umar Toseeb and Dieter Wolke, “Sibling Bullying: A Prospective Longitudinal Study of Associations with Positive and Negative Mental Health during Adolescence,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence 51 (May 2022): 940–55, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-021-01495-z.

19. Samantha A. Sang and Jackie A. Nelson, “The Effect of Siblings on Children’s Social Skills and Perspective Taking,” Infant and Child Development, January 31, 2017, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/icd.2023.

20. Rhaina Cohen, “What Adults Forget about Friendship,” The Atlantic, August 28, 2023, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/08/childhood-friendship-benefits-play/675158.

21. Mythen, “Lessons in Loneliness.”

22. Caplan, “Breeders’ Cup.”

CHAPTER 10: WHO WILL CARE FOR YOU?

1. David Brooks, “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake,” The Atlantic, March 2020, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536.

2. Anne-Marie Botek, “The State of Caregiving: 2015 Report,” AgingCare.com, https://www.agingcare.com/articles/state-of-caregiving-2015-report-177710.htm.

3. Jenny Chanfreau and Alice Goisis, “Patterns of Help and Care by Adult Only Children and Children with Siblings,” Ageing & Society 44, no. 1 (2024): 200–23, https://doi.org/10.1017/S0144686X22000198.

4. Helen Santoro, “When Siblings Become Caregivers,” Knowable Magazine, January 28, 2022, https://knowablemagazine.org/content/article/mind/2022/when-siblings-become-caregivers.

5. Sameer Yasir and Mike Ives, “No Grandchild? Six Years after Son’s Wedding, These Parents Are Suing,” New York Times, May 29, 2022, https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/29/world/asia/india-couple-grandchild-suing.html.

6. “Chinese Government Grants More Leave in Helping Employees Supporting Families,” CMS Law-Now, January 13, 2022, https://cms-lawnow.com/en/ealerts/2022/01/chinese-government-grants-more-leave-in-helping-employees-supporting-families.

CHAPTER 11: ONLY CHILDREN TELL IT LIKE IT IS

1. Heidi R. Riggio, “Personality and Social Skill Differences between Adults with and without Siblings,” Journal of Psychology 133, no. 5 (1999): 514–22, https://doi.org/10.1080/00223989909599759.

2. Samantha Stronge, John Shaver, Joseph A. Bulbulia, and Chris G. Sibley, “Only Children in the 21st Century: Personality Differences between Adults with and without Siblings Are Very, Very Small,” Journal of Research in Personality 83 (September 2019): 103868, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/335729204.

3. Frank J. Sulloway, “Birth Order, Sibling Competition, and Human Behavior,” in Conceptual Challenges in Evolutionary Psychology, ed. Harmon R. Holcomb (Dordrecht, Netherlands: Springer, 2001), 39–83, https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-94-010-0618-7_3.

4. Jenna Goudreau, “Here’s Why Only Children Are More Successful,” Business Insider, November 6, 2013, https://www.businessinsider.com/heres-why-only-children-are-more-successful-2013-11.

5. Ana Aznar, “Most Stereotypes about Only Children Aren’t True. In Fact, They May End Up Smarter and More Successful Than People with Siblings,” Business Insider, November 12, 2019, https://www.businessinsider.com/research-stereotypes-only-children-siblings-arent-true-2019-11.

6. Yun-Jun Sun, Barbara J. Sahakian, Christelle Langley, Anyi Yang, Yuchao Jiang, Jujiao Kang, Xingming Zhao, Chunhe Li, Wei Cheng, and Jianfeng Feng, “Early-Initiated Childhood Reading for Pleasure: Associations with Better Cognitive Performance, Mental Well-Being and Brain Structure in Young Adolescence,” Psychological Medicine 54, no. 2 (2024): 359–73, https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291723001381.

7. Chaochao Jia, Zhaoxi Yang, Tao Xin, Youfa Li, Yehui Wang, and Tao Yang, “Differences in School Performance between Only Children and Non-Only Children: Evidence from China,” Frontiers in Psychology 12 (January 12, 2022), https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.608704/full.

8. Yehui Lao and Zhiqiang Dong, “The Only Child, Birth Order, and Educational Outcomes,” Economics E-Journal 13 (May 2019): 1–24, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/333356112.

9. Zeng-yin Chen and Ruth X. Liu, “Comparing Adolescent Only Children with Those Who Have Siblings on Academic Related Outcomes and Psychosocial Adjustment,” Child Development Research, January 14, 2014, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1155/2014/578289.

10. Yixiao Lui and Quanbao Jiang, “Who Benefits from Being an Only Child? A Study of Parent-Child Relationship among Chinese Junior High School Students,” Frontiers in Psychology 11 (January 7, 2021), https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.608995/full.

11. Feifei Bu, “Examining Sibling Configuration Effects on Young People’s Educational Aspiration and Attainment,” Advances in Life Course Research 27 (March 2016): 69–79, http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.alcr.2015.09.003.

12. Alice Goisis, Jenny Chanfreau, Vanessa Moulton, and George B. Ploubidis, “Only Children and Cognitive Ability in Childhood: A Cross-Cohort Analysis over 50 Years in the United Kingdom,” Population and Development Review 49, no. 2 (June 2023): 319–49, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/padr.12560.

13. Douglas B. Downey, “Number of Siblings and Intellectual Development: The Resource Dilution Explanation,” American Psychologist 56, no. 6-7 (2001): 497–504, https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.6-7.497.

14. Christina J. Diaz and Jeremy E. Fiel, “When Size Matters: IV Estimates of Sib-ship Size on Educational Attainment in the U.S.,” Population Research and Policy Review 40 (December 2021): 1195–220, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11113-020-09619-2.

15. Lao and Dong, “Only Child, Birth Order.”

16. Toni Falbo and Denise F. Polit, “Quantitative Review of the Only Child Literature: Research Evidence and Theory Development,” Psychological Bulletin 100, no. 2 (1986): 176–89, https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.100.2.176.

17. Ioannis Katsantonis and Ros McLellan, “The Role of Parent–Child Interactions in the Association between Mental Health and Prosocial Behavior: Evidence from Early Childhood to Late Adolescence,” International Journal of Behavioral Development 48, no. 1 (January 2024): 59–70, https://journals.sagepub.com/toc/jbda/48/1.

18. Lui and Jiang, “Who Benefits?”

19. Lui and Jiang, “Who Benefits?”

20. Lui and Jiang, “Who Benefits?”

21. Wei Wang, Jie Zhang, Dwight A. Hennessy, and Wenqiang Yin, “Do Only-Children Communicate Better Than Non-Only Children? A Study of Medical Students in China,” Journal of Comparative Family Studies 51, no. 1 (2020): 84–109, https://utpjournals.press/doi/abs/10.3138/jcfs.51.1.005.

22. Micha Goebig, “Confidence Lessons Learned from Being an Only Child and How You Can Use Them Too,” Forbes, May 5, 2022, https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2022/05/05/confidence-lessons-learned-from-being-an-only-child-and-how-you-can-use-them-too.

23. Fanzheng Yang and Weiwei Weng, “Are Only-Children Difficult Team Members?” Applied Economics 53, no. 47 (2021): 5462–76, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00036846.2021.1923637.

24. Yoshihiko Kadoya, Mostafa Saidur Rahim Khan, and Yoshio Sano, “Effects of China’s One-Child Policy on Group Cooperation: Survey Evidence,” Journal of the Asia Pacific Economy 23, no. 3 (2018): 327–39, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13547860.2017.1409861.

25. Genevieve Walker, “Why Only Children Are Still Stereotyped as Selfish and Spoilt,” BBC, November 16, 2021, https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211116-why-only-children-are-still-stereotyped-as-selfish-and-spoilt.

CHAPTER 12: THE NEW NORMAL: JUST ONE

1. ELFAC, “12% of European Households Have 3 or More Children,” June 3, 2022, https://www.elfac.org/12-of-european-households-have-3-or-more-children.

2. Seth Wynes and Kimberly A. Nicholas, “The Climate Mitigation Gap: Education and Government Recommendations Miss the Most Effective Individual Actions,” Environmental Research Letters 12, no. 7 (July 2017): 074024, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318353145.

3. Hope Dillarstone, Laura J. Brown, and Elaine C. Flores, “Climate Change, Mental Health, and Reproductive Decision-Making: A Systematic Review,” PLOS Climate 2, no. 11 (November 9, 2023): e0000236, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pclm.0000236.

4. Megan Leonhardt, “The Price of Parenthood Is Growing Prohibitive. That’s Bad News for the Economy,” Barron’s, August 30, 2024, https://www.barrons.com/articles/parenthood-economy-expenses-politics-5ac47bac.

5. Camilla Cavendish, “The Only Child Is Becoming the Norm,” Financial Times, August 2, 2019, https://www.ft.com/content/89dbabf8-b442-11e9-bec9-fdcab53d6959.

6. Sa’iyda Shabazz, “I’m an Only Child with an Only Child, and This Is Why It’s Awesome,” Scary Mommy, January 4, 2019, https://www.scarymommy.com/only-child-loves-having-only-child.

7. Name withheld, telephone conversation, March 13, 2024.

8. Daniel A. Cox, “Emerging Trends and Enduring Patterns in American Family Life,” Survey Center on American Life, February 9, 2022, https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/emerging-trends-and-enduring-patterns-in-american-family-life/#_edn23.

9. Allison Jack, “In Defense of ‘Onlies’: A Growing Share of American Moms Are Having Only One Child—I’m One of Them,” Salon, November 26, 2021, https://www.salon.com/2021/11/26/in-defense-of-onlies-a-growing-share-of-american-moms-are-having-only-one-child—im-one-of-them.

10. Stefan C. Schmukle, Julia M. Rohrer, and Boris Egloff, “Examining the Effects of Birth Order on Personality,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 112, no. 46 (October 2015), https://www.researchgate.net/publication/283049915.

11. Toni Falbo, “Only Children: An Updated Review,” Journal of Individual Psychology 68, no. 1 (2012): 38–49, https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-13263-004.

12. Alice Goisis, “Being an Only Child Doesn’t Affect Your Development—Family Background Matters More,” The Conversation, September 13, 2023, https://theconversation.com/being-an-only-child-doesnt-affect-your-development-family-background-matters-more-208776.

13. National Center for Health Statistics, “U.S. Fertility Rate Drops to Another Historic Low,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, April 25, 2024, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2024/20240525.htm.

14. Isabelle Qian and Pablo Robles, “Three Is Best: How China’s Family Planning Propaganda Has Changed,” New York Times, March 9, 2024, https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2024/03/09/world/asia/china-childbirth-propaganda.html.

15. Katherine Schaeffer and Carolina Aragão, “Key Facts about Moms in the U.S.,” Pew Research Center, May 9, 2023, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/05/09/facts-about-u-s-mothers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Susan Newman, PhD, is a social psychologist who specializes in issues that affect parenting and family dynamics from early childhood to adult child-parent relationships. She has focused on only children for more than 30 years and is a longtime, regular contributor to Psychology Today magazine and a member of the American Psychological Association, the Authors Guild, and the American Society of Journalists and Authors. Her numerous published work includes The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It—and Stop People-Pleasing Forever and Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily.

Dr. Newman has been featured on The Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS Sunday Morning as well as CNN, NPR, and many other leading news broadcasts and in a wide range of print outlets—from the New York Times to the Times of India—discussing parenting concerns and social trends. She taught at Rutgers University and is the mother of four stepchildren and one son. She lives in the New York City metro area. For more, visit her website at www.susannewmanphd.com.