For Simone Zheng—JM

For Ben and Antje Chenoweth—EC

For Maureen, my caring and hardworking wife, who puts up with my descent to the dungeon to draw silly pictures—RM

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Text copyright © 2020 by John Bemelmans Marciano and Emily Chenoweth. Illustrations copyright © 2020 by Robb Mommaerts. All rights reserved. Published by Penguin Workshop, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. PENGUIN and PENGUIN WORKSHOP are trademarks of Penguin Books Ltd, and the W colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

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pid_prh_5.6.0_c0_r0

CHAPTER 0

Refresh.

Refresh.

Refresh.

Hiss! No matter how many times I checked my communicator messages, the Galacta-vite had yet to appear—and the evil warlords convention was mere moonrises away!

Perhaps the invitation had been delayed by meteor showers in the Blargian Quadrant. I set an alert to notify me the instant it came in, and then closed my eyes to take a Calming Nap.

How I looked forward to these gatherings of A.W.E.S.O.M.E.—the Allied Warlords of Evil, Sabotage, Oppression, and More Evil. In attendance would be the most diabolical tyrants, despots, and dictators in the entire universe.

It is so fulfilling to be among one’s peers.

“Klawde! Hey, Klawde! Are you down in the basement?”

It was the boy-ogre, home from school. He descended into the bunker in a more positive mood than usual.

“I did so good at the shootaround today,” he said. “I sank more baskets than most of the seventh-graders! I’m so glad it’s finally basketball season.”

Though I explicitly told him not to, the Human then described this “basketball” to me. It was a comically absurd activity in which ogres patted an inflated rubber globe with their flat, oversize paws so it would bounce repeatedly upon the ground. At random moments, they would hurl it into the air, aiming for a hoop suspended above their heads.

The game seemed little more advanced than the one played by the cave cats of yore, who batted around the skulls of their enemies—and so much less amusing.

“Ogre, your chatter is exceptionally mind-numbing today,” I said. “Do you have nothing interesting to speak of?” I did need to take my mind off the missing AWESOME invitation.

“Well, I’m doing a school report about a tyrannical general turned dictator.”

“Raj,” I said. “I am touched.”

“It’s not about you,” the boy-ogre said. “It’s about Napoleon.”

Apparently this particular ogre-warlord had led armies that vanquished one part of a small landmass called “Europe” over two hundred years ago. How was that impressive? He couldn’t bring even half of Earth to its knees?

“But he conquered a bunch of different countries,” the boy-Human said.

“I do not understand why you ogres even divide yourselves up at all. Don’t you realize that you are all utterly the same? I can hardly tell one of you from the other,” I said. “Now, cats, on the other hand—each one of us is an entirely unique and memorable individual.”

The ogre rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I’ve got a problem. My partner on the project is Newt. You know how mean she is to me.”

“Ah, yes, the one who ran over your stuffed bear with that wheeled board she rides? And who constantly humiliates you with her superior cunning?” I said.

“Uh, yeah,” the ogre said. “Her.”

“Excellent! Now you have the chance to beat her at her own game. Expose her as an unworthy fraud. As an imbecile!”

“But that would only hurt me. Because we’re partners, we get graded together.”

“That makes no sense.”

“I don’t think you understand the point of teamwork, Klawde,” he said.

About this, the boy-ogre was perhaps correct. Why work with someone else when you could work against them? It was yet another example of ogre stupidity.

CHAPTER 1

At breakfast, my parents asked me about my school project, but that was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

“Basketball tryouts are today,” I said. “I’m really hoping to make the varsity team.”

“But you’re only in sixth grade, dear,” Mom said.

“I know, but I was as good as the seventh graders back in Brooklyn.”

“Well, good luck,” she said. “Although I do wish you were doing a more interesting sport. Like fencing. Or chess!”

“Chess isn’t a sport, Mom.”

“You’re going to do great, Raj,” Dad said. He nudged me with an elbow. “And maybe you’ll give baseball a try in the spring!”

“That’s barely a sport, either,” I mumbled.

As I got up to clear my place, Klawde jumped onto the table and took a bite of scrambled eggs off Dad’s plate.

“Krish, don’t let the cat do that,” Mom said.

Like “let” had anything to do with it. Klawde stared Dad down and then—with lightning quickness—slashed him across the back of his hand.

Dad shook his finger and said, “Naughty kitty!”

With similar lightning quickness, Mom scooped Klawde off the table.

“Pets do not eat on tables in this house.”

Klawde let out a major hiss, but I knew he wouldn’t risk scratching her. He might be evil, but he wasn’t stupid.

CHAPTER 2

After the boy-Human spent an inexplicable amount of time deciding which of his many pairs of “sneakers” to don, he stuffed his belongings into a backpack and trudged off to his pointless school. As for me, I had just settled into a post-breakfast nap when I heard the sound I had been waiting for.

The alert!

I raced down the stairs, and there it was on my communicator: a message from the Allied Warlords of Evil.

Finally.

When I touched the message, however, a Galactavite did not appear. Rather, it was something far less pleasant.

MEMBERSHIP STATUS CHANGE NOTIFICATION

TO: Wyss-Kuzz, former supreme warlord of Lyttyrboks; present house cat of Earth

FROM: The Allied Warlords of Evil, Sabotage, Oppression, and More Evil

REASON: INSUFFICIENT WARLORDING ACTIVITY

It has been over 10,000 time units since member was in control of a galaxy, solar system, or planet. Furthermore, member has not plotted or participated in any successful coups or campaigns of war.

ADDITIONAL CHARGES:

Member was witnessed apologizing to canines.

Member attempted to take control of primitive planet—Earth—and was thwarted by the lowly life-form known as “Humans.”

Member has cavorted repeatedly with both Humans and canines.

In accordance with bylaw 47U-XJ of the AWESOME charter, MEMBERSHIP IN AWESOME IS HEREBY REVOKED.

Revoked? This was an outrage! I had warlorded for longer and harder than any other despot in the universe. Yes, it was true that I’d been overthrown, but to have ever ruled a planet of cats was more impressive than leading any other species for a millennium. And I had ruled Lyttyrboks twice!

With fury burning down into my claws, I called Flooffee-Fyr.

“Oh, heyyyy, Supreme Leader. How’s it go—”

“WILL THE OUTRAGES OF EXILE NEVER END!”

“Come again?” He blinked idiotically at me.

I read him the offending message. “How could this have happened? How did they find out about my—hack hack—apology to the mutt galaxy?”

“Well, it was pretty much the most popular video in the universe,” he said. “I mean, talk about going viral.”

“And what of this ‘cavorting with ogres’? I do not cavort. I despise! I order!” I spat. “And how did they know I failed to conquer Earth?”

“I think Ffangg might have mentioned it at the last AWESOME meeting,” Flooffee said.

“Ffangg!” I hissed. “That cursed feline wretch. That miserable, squint-eyed—” I stopped. “Wait a minute. How do you know what he said at the last meeting?”

“It was in our monthly newsletter,” he said. “Ooops! I mean, um, someone told me it was in the AWESOME newsletter? Which I have absolutely never seen before.”

“Wait—you’re not—” I could hardly fathom it. “Are you a member of the club?”

Flooffee scratched the back of his ear. “Well, pretty much,” he said. “Sorry, Your Excellentness, there just hasn’t been a great time to mention it to you. I know how bummed you’ve been about not conquering Earth and all.”

“Stop with your insulting pity!” I thundered. “Does this mean that you have been invited to the warlord convention?”

“Um . . . yes.”

“But how?” I said, trying to comprehend this turn of events. “How could they invite you? A sniveling subordinate! A miserable lackey!”

“Well, I did betray you and take over Lyttyrboks, you know,” he said. “And I have to say, I’m really looking forward to the party. I hear there’s a fantastic buffet.”

As if I needed to be reminded of his betrayal! Or the buffet! “Minion, I—”

“Uh, KSH-KSH! Whoa, lot of intergalactic static! KSH-KSH! I think I’m about to lose you, O Great Master!”

The communicator screen went black.

Hiss!

CHAPTER 3

I was so excited for basketball tryouts, I could hardly pay attention through last period.

As soon as the bell rang, I raced to the gym and changed. I was super nervous, so when the coach blew the whistle to get started, I nearly jumped out of my shoes. I missed half of the midrange shots, and then we lined up to shoot three-pointers.

“Go, Raj!” Steve yelled from the bleachers.

I took a deep breath and then hoisted up the ball. Swish—it went right through the net.

And just like that, I totally caught fire. I even sank a shot from the corner that no one else made.

For the scrimmage, Coach put me in at point guard, which was my favorite position. But when I was coming up the court on my first possession, Seth Wheaton—the scariest eighth-grader in the whole school—stole the ball, knocked me to the floor, and ran right over me.

“BOOOOO!” Cedar yelled.

I recovered and made a lot of good passes after that, which is way more important than hitting shots for a point guard. But then, on the last possession, everyone was covered and I had no one to pass to. The clock was about to run out, so I launched a shot from midcourt and—

BZZZ!

—the buzzer sounded, and the ball swished through the hoop. The whole gym erupted in cheers!

Well, maybe not erupted. But there were some cheers, and they were for me. I even got a bunch of fist bumps.

“Nice shot, Banerjee,” Seth said.

I couldn’t believe it. Seth Wheaton knew my name!

When tryouts were over, I met Cedar and Steve outside in the parking lot.

“You were really good, Raj!” Cedar said.

“Yeah,” Steve said. “Who knew?”

“I think I might actually make varsity!” I said.

“I’m sure you want to bask in the glow of your amazing basketballing, Raj,” Cedar said, “but we’d better get going. It looks like we’re going to have a serious storm.”

“What are you talking about?” I said. There was barely a cloud in the sky.

“There was a huge flash of red lightning, like, two minutes ago,” Steve said. “It was over that way.”

He was pointing in the direction of my house.

A red flash? I did have to go!

CHAPTER 4

What was I to do now that I had been expelled from AWESOME? Simmer with rage? Curse my enemies? Dream up ways to make them rue the day they betrayed Wyss-Kuzz the Mighty?

As appealing as these options sounded, I decided to follow the example of Myttynz the Mrowdyr, the legendary feline warrior-king who—after having tasted defeat in the War of the Thirty-Seventh Moon—renounced the Code of the Battlecat and withdrew to a life of silence and solitude.

It was not unusual for great cats to live as hermits for a period of time. In complete and total isolation, the feline mind enters a kind of trance, and great truths are revealed.

Descending to the bunker, I entered a cardboard box that appeared perfect for seclusion. There I quieted my mind, and I began to nap more intensely than I had ever napped before. My whiskers quivered. I believed this to be a sign that I was entering a state of bliss.

But I was wrong. They were sensing a disturbance.

A barely detectable buzzing grew louder as I exited my box. I saw a small unidentified flying object floating toward me, rotating at impressive speed. Was it a spy drone? Or a weapon sent by my enemies? My ears flattened, and I sank into Defensive Crouch.

The object stopped in the middle of the room and hovered, still spinning. Then a sudden burst of light nearly blinded me, and a hologram filled the bunker.

“Hey, good buddy! It’s me!”

It couldn’t be.

And yet it was.

Barx. The space ranger idiot mutt. As if the day wasn’t going badly enough.

“Okay, it’s not really me, it’s my hologram. But that’s still pretty good!” The salivating fool began to wag his clumsy club of a tail.

“To what do I owe the displeasure?”

“Well, I just thought I’d stop by to see if you needed a ride to your AWESOME meeting.”

I straightened a whisker. “I’m not going,” I said. “I considered it, but then I decided that the Allied Warlords are simply not evil enough for me.”

“That’s funny,” the impudent cur said. “Because I heard that they kicked you out.”

Hiss!

“Don’t worry, buddy, because I have great news!” Barx slobbered on himself in excitement. “The real reason I’m here is to invite you to join the Good Animals Group! Woo woo!”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Klawde,” Barx said. “Why would they pick me? And it’s true, we’ve never had a cat in our club before. But you’re beloved on the dog planets now, and I bet the other animals in GAG will love you, too! Considering your high level of sincerity and how good you are at apologizing, we decided you could really bring a lot to our party.”

He could not be serious. “I will never, ever join your moronic, insipid—”

“BARX! BARX! Are you here somewhere?”

Oh, wonderful.

The boy-ogre came crashing down the stairs while Barx howled with unseemly amounts of joy.

“Raj! Raj! I missed you so much!”

“I missed you, too!”

If this disgusting display of affection lasted any longer, I would vomit up the entire contents of my stomach and quite possibly never eat again. Clearly, the bunker was not a suitable place for hermits.

CHAPTER 5

I was really excited to see Barx again, even if he was just a hologram projected out of a floating fidget spinner-y thing. He told me he’d come to deliver some exciting news to Klawde.

“He’s been invited to join the Good Animals Group!”

That didn’t sound right somehow. “Why would Klawde be invited to join the Good Animals Group?” I asked.

“See?” Klawde said. “Even the imbecilic ogre understands.”

“Well, he got kicked out of his Evil Warlords club,” Barx said to me. Then he turned to Klawde. “It’ll be great! You and me—together again! We’ll have so much fun.”

At this point, Klawde coughed up a giant hairball.

“What are you guys even talking about?” I said. “What is the Good Animals Group? And the Evil Warlords club?”

“ME! ME! I want to answer!” Barx said, raising a paw and wagging.

Klawde hissed and left.

“You see, Raj,” Barx said, “ever since the universe was formed, way back when the big bang was just the little bang, there have been alliances between the inhabited planets and all the species living on them. Those of us who want to make the cosmos a more loving and peaceful place formed the Good Animals Group. And the ones who want the opposite formed the Allied Warlords of Evil, Sabotage, Oppression, and More Evil.”

“So is it, like, cats versus dogs?”

“No, there are lots of species in our Good Animals Group, like mice and chipmunks. And oh, we have the softest bunnies.”

“Wait, you mean there are other Earth species in outer space?”

“Oh, Raj.” Barx looked at me pityingly. “What you mean is that there are other space species on Earth.”

“Wow, like hamsters? Are there space hamsters? They must be good, right?”

“No, they are evil.”

“Raccoons?”

“Very evil.”

“Squirrels?”

“Most evil.” Barx bared his teeth.

I tried to think of an animal that had to be good.

“How about pandas?”

“Oh yes, they’re great.” Barx wagged his tail. “In fact, they’re hosting the GAG get-together. Which reminds me—I’ve got to go! I have to make goody bags for the big meeting.”

“But wait! How about platypuses! And . . . and sharks! And dinosaurs! Are they extinct in outer space, too?”

“Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct, Raj! They never even lived on Earth,” Barx said. “They just used this planet as their graveyard for a couple hundred million years or so.” A wistful look came over his face. “They really do have the best bones.”

I tried asking if there were aliens that looked like Ewoks or E.T., but Barx cut me off.

“That’s to talk about another day, Raj,” Barx said. “Maybe over a game of fetch!” And with that, the hologram of Barx disappeared, and the alien fidget spinner buzzed its way right out of the basement window.

CHAPTER 6

Me, join GAG? I would sooner shave my own whiskers off!

As I exited the bunker in disgust, it became clear to me that nowhere in the fortress would do for solitude. I needed a new refuge, far away from boy-ogres and spacemutts. I again recalled Myttynz the Mrowdyr, who climbed the highest tree in all the eighty-seven moons and vowed to stay there until he reached the most elusive—and most sublime—of nap states.

Purrvana.

Climbing the majestic oak that towered over the yard, I felt as Myttynz must have all those thousands of years ago. Like him, I would not waver until I, too, attained Purrvana.

I closed my eyes. I felt the sun warming my fur and whiskers. I breathed in and out with the wind as I sought to enter that exalted state of nap.

“Hey, Klawde! Klawde!”

I opened one eye. The infernal spinning device buzzed as it hovered near my branch.

It was hard to be a stoic hermit when moronic canines refused to leave you alone.

“There you are, buddy!” The Barx hologram had grown small and faint. “Listen, I wanted to tell you that I don’t leave for the Good Animals Group fiesta for a couple of days. So in case you change your mind, you can call me! I’ll just leave this holo-phone right here.”

“You needn’t bother! I shall never accompany you to GAG!”

But Barx did not reply. The canine communicator had already performed a nosedive and was now digging into the ground, like a bone that could bury itself.

How disgusting.

CHAPTER 7

“Do I need to call the fire department?” I hollered up to Klawde. “How’d you even get yourself up that high?”

He ignored me, just like he’d been doing for the past couple of days. He hadn’t even made a snide comment about basketball when I’d told him that I made varsity—he just said something about becoming a hermit.

“Look, if you’re embarrassed because you can’t get back down, it’s okay,” I hollered. “We all need a little help sometimes.”

“Hey, Raj! Are you coming or what?” Steve yelled. He and Cedar were waiting for me up the street.

“All right, see you after school, I guess,” I called.

Klawde hissed at me, so at least I knew he was still alive.

My classes were fine, until history that is, when Ms. McQuade said we should have an outline of our projects done by Thursday. Other kids were already working on their presentations, but Newt and I hadn’t even started. In fact, we’d been totally avoiding each other.

“I guess we better do something,” I said to her after class.

“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Meet me at the library after your dumb basketball.”

Practice was so fun that I hung around the gym to do extra shooting drills afterward. When I remembered that I was supposed to meet Newt, I sprinted straight to the library. Even though I was only five minutes late, I couldn’t find her anywhere.

It would be just like her to ditch me, so I figured I should start working alone. I did wish I’d stopped to take a shower first, though. And I think the librarian did, too, unless she always sniffed like that when she helped students find the books they were looking for.

When I started to read, one thing struck me right away: Napoleon was just like my cat! For one thing, he’d gotten overthrown and sent into exile, just like Klawde, and then he came back into power only to get kicked right out again. The craziest part? Napoleon was exiled to an island called Elba—which was the name of our town!

“So where have you been?” Newt stood over me with her hands on her hips. “And why do you smell like a walking armpit?”

“I got here right after practice,” I said. “Where were you?”

“I’ve been sitting by the front door since school ended,” she said. “Except for the five seconds it took to go buy a candy bar.”

I was pretty sure she was lying.

“Have you at least gotten some work done?” she asked.

“Yeah, lots,” I said, showing her the notes I’d taken. “How about you?”

“I printed out this whole list of things Napoleon said.”

Two hours in the library—supposedly—and the only thing she’d done was search “Napoleon quotes”?

“Listen to this,” Newt said. “Friends must always be treated as if one day they might be enemies. And He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.”

“He sounds just like someone I know,” I said, looking down the list.

“You know a world-conquering dictator, do you?” she said, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” I said. “No, of course not.”

CHAPTER 8

After three days in the treetop, I had taken many excellent naps, but I had failed to reach Purrvana. I blamed this on constant interruptions by the boy- and father-ogres, as well as all the noise the Humans make while puttering around in their go-carts and tending to their little patches of territory.

I was saved from further frustration by the buzzing of the communicator. It was Flooffee-Fyr, and for once I welcomed his call.

“Do you have news for me, minion?”

“The biggest, O Great One!” Flooffee said. “You won’t believe it—she’s dead! The throne is free.”

I gasped. At last! The Calico Queen was no more!

“Oh joyous day!” I exclaimed. “I knew the sensible cats of Lyttyrboks would tear that wretched kitten limb from limb! Tell me, is the mob thronging the streets, clamoring for my return?”

“Well, uh, she’s not who I’m talking about, actually,” the fool said. “The Calico Queen is more popular than ever. She has a 98 percent approval rating. I don’t think yours ever got above 7 percent, did it?”

“Then who are you talking about?” I spat. “Who’s dead?”

“The Empress of the Universe!”

I was thunderstruck. The leader of all living matter—deceased? Could it be true?

This was even better news!

“Flooffee! We must start readying my campaign at once,” I exclaimed. “Many will be the candidates, and all must be crushed!”

This was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life—the chance to rule all the two hundred billion galaxies!

“It is a mammal’s turn to be emperor,” Flooffee said. “But there’s one small problem, O Splendid Lion.”

“I cannot imagine what it could be.”

“You can’t run for emperor. You got kicked out of AWESOME, remember? You have to be in a nominating party to be a candidate.”

“I will simply join another!” I said. “There are thousands of stupid parties in the universe.”

“But you have to be invited to join one of them. At this point, there’s no way you can become a candidate. Well, not unless it is for GAG.”

I hissed. “How dare you even suggest that!”

“Well, they did ask you to be a member,” the fool said.

“I would rather have all of my claws ripped out and given to that deplorable calico to make a necklace than spread GAG’s message of kindness across the universe.”

“Yeah, I guess that was a dumb idea,” Flooffee said. “Anyway, O Masterfullest, can you ping me later? I have an appointment at the exuviating parlor. I want my fur to look its best for the AWESOME convention.”

As I hung up on the exasperating idiot, my spirits sank. This was the worst moment in my long and maddening exile. To become emperor was my lifelong dream, and AWESOME had snatched it from my paws.

What could I do now? I admit: The thought of raiding the father-ogre’s stash of catnip mice and forgetting my troubles did cross my mind.

But this was no time for weakness! My entire destiny hung in the balance. I would become the next Emperor of the Universe—I must! I just had to figure out how.

CHAPTER 9

I was glad to find Klawde in the basement when I got home from the library—not just because he’d gotten down from the tree without breaking his neck, but because of what I had to tell him.

“It’s so crazy, Klawde,” I said. “You’re just like Napoleon!”

I had to hop back to avoid getting my shin sliced open.

“You interrupt me now, in the most crucial moment of my existence, to spout this nonsense?” he said. “To compare me to an undersized ogre!”

“Um, sorry,” I said. “But what’s so crucial about right now?”

“Never mind,” he grumbled. “Just tell me what you came to say and get it over with.”

“You and Napoleon sound exactly alike,” I said. “Listen to what he said: Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”

“That is true,” Klawde said grudgingly.

“And how about: Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily?”

“Well, of course it is.”

“Oh, and this: Friends must always be treated as if one day they might be enemies.”

“This Human is plagiarizing! Somehow he must have had access to the wisdom of the ancient felines,” Klawde said. “Tell me more about this Napoleon ogre. Was he, in fact, a cat?”

“No, he was a general. During the French Revolution.” I explained how the revolution in France was like the one in America, except it was a lot more violent. Especially for members of the royal family. “They cut off the king’s head. And his wife’s, too.”

“That’s pleasing.”

But then things got really nuts, I told him. After the king got guillotined, there was the Reign of Terror, when anyone who didn’t agree with the new government of France got their heads chopped off, too.

“What a positively delightful tale! Why did you not tell me of this before?”

“Well, the French Revolution wasn’t supposed to be about violence,” I said. “The revolutionaries were actually trying to spread democracy and education. And, like, equality between nobles and commoners.”

“That’s boring,” Klawde said. “What does Napoleon have to do with it?”

“All the other European rulers really hated the Revolution, so they went to war against France to make them have a king again. The only good general France had was Napoleon, who was crazy brilliant at strategy. And so after he won a bunch of battles, he became leader of the whole country.”

“So he crushed his enemies,” Klawde said, “and then later he crushed his own citizens? That is an excellent strategy.”

“But that’s not exactly what happened,” I said. “Napoleon started off being elected. And when he took over other countries, he said it was to spread the goodness and ideals of the Revolution.”

“Why in the eighty-seven moons would he do that?”

“To get the people’s support. But he was just telling them what they wanted to hear. As soon as he could, he got rid of all the democracy and good stuff and became a tyrant. Like the worst.”

Klawde’s whiskers began to twitch in that freaky way they sometimes did.

“So let me make sure I understand this correctly,” Klawde said. “Napoleon only pretended to be a do-gooder, and then, after he got other do-gooders to help him become emperor, he turned on them?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Klawde began to purr. Really loudly.

I had no idea he liked history so much.

CHAPTER 10

It struck me like a supernova! The Napoleon of whom the boy-ogre spoke was a genius. Naturally, I resisted the idea, him being a lowly Human. But his tactics were undeniably shrewd.

I called my minion to explain what I had learned.

“So you’re saying this ogre became an emperor by acting like he was good?” Flooffee asked.

“Exactly!” I said.

“So . . . why do we care?”

“We care, you fool, because I have decided to accept membership in GAG. I will pretend to adopt their kindhearted ways, and the simpleminded cretins will immediately nominate me as their candidate for emperor!”

“Wow, that sounds like a super plan, O Mostest Brilliantest One,” Flooffee said.

“But who will AWESOME run as their candidate?” I wondered. “Will they pick Akorn? No no, he is a follower, not a leader. Perhaps Zok the Shark Lord? No, everyone is too afraid of her. Whoever they nominate, you must report to me as soon as you know.”

“No problemo, Your Epicness!”

Having given my minion his marching orders, I set about my next task. Distasteful though it would be, it was the only way.

I went to the yard and began to dig beneath the oak tree. The feeling of moist soil between my claws disgusted me. How could the canines stand it?

Soon, however, I found what I was looking for. I pressed the central button, and a hologram appeared.

“Barx,” I said solemnly. “I have reconsidered your offer.”

CHAPTER 11

On Wednesday, I went over to Newt’s house to work on our project outline. But it was hard to concentrate with her two little brothers running around. Newt was supposed to be babysitting them.

“Maybe we should make a diorama,” I said.

“He said diarrhea!” Wyatt said.

“Dia-whea! Dia-whea!” Taz yelled.

“Shut up, you dorks,” Newt said.

“Or we could do a slideshow,” I suggested. “With pictures of Napoleon and facts about his life and stuff.”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea,” Newt said. “Why don’t you get started writing the outline while I go get us something to eat. Do you like pizza?”

My stomach grumbled. Hot lunch today was kale casserole, which I didn’t touch, and I’d been starving since way before practice.

“Uh, yeah,” I said. “I love pizza.”

“Okay, great,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

Then she was out the door, and I could hear her skateboard scraping down the sidewalk.

It took me almost an hour to realize that Newt had tricked me again. She wasn’t coming back. At least not anytime soon and not with pizza. She’d gotten me to do the outline all by myself—plus she’d stuck me babysitting.

And what was that smell?

I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. “Time to change Taz.”

“What?”

Wyatt pointed at Taz.

“What do you mean?”

“His diaper,” Wyatt said.

“DIA-PUH!” Taz repeated.

That explained the smell. I grabbed my phone as fast as I could to text Newt.

GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

Then I called her. Like ten times. But she didn’t pick up.

So I held my breath and changed Taz’s diaper. What else could I do? It wasn’t his fault he had the world’s worst older sister.

At five thirty, their mom got home and I left. I was halfway to my house when my phone dinged. I figured it was Newt, texting with some lame excuse or another.

But it was from Dad.

I CAN’T FIND KLAWDE!

CHAPTER 12

Although the GAG meeting was being held on the panda planet of Bambokki, Barx had insisted that I teleport to the Dog Star Cluster first. And thus I emerged from the wormhole onto ReeTreeVur, which was, I quickly realized, the smelliest planet on which I had ever set paw. The very air stank like wet dog fur.

Or maybe that was because I was inside Barx’s den.

“Tell me again why I’m here,” I said.

“You’re one of us now, Klawde!” the insufferable mutt replied. “And dogs always travel in a pack, because being together is more fun than being alone!”

I gritted my teeth.

“All righty then,” Barx said, “let’s get you dressed.”

“Dressed?”

“Why sure! No member of GAG walks around naked! We have a dress code.”

“You want me to wear clothing? Like an ogre?”

“Don’t worry,” Barx said. “I have something really special for you. But first, which collar do you think I should wear? The brown one, which matches my eyes, or the red one, for contrast?”

I was considering scratching those eyes out when the air suddenly exploded with barks and howls. The sound filled my feline soul with dread. “What is happening?”

“That’s just the rest of our delegation,” Barx said. “Come on in, friends! Hi, Comrade Muffee! Hello there, Comrade Fydo!”

As a dozen motley mutts entered the den, the fur on my spine rose. Why were they panting like that? And why were they getting so close to my behind?

Sniff sniff sniff! Sniff sniff sniff!

“Stop that!” I roared.

“Sorry, pal, everyone’s just dying to find out what an honest and sincere cat smells like!” Barx said.

I retreated into the corner, but then a dog in a purple vest and matching booties did something even more unspeakable than sniffing. She licked me on the face.

“Why in the eighty-seven moons did you do that?”

“It’s our way of saying hello!” she said. “How do cats say hello?”

“We don’t.”

For some reason, all the dogs commenced wagging their tails. More disturbingly, many of them began to scratch themselves. Did they have fleas? Would they give fleas to me? I began to feel uncontrollably itchy.

“I noticed you were admiring Pookie’s matching vest and boots,” Barx said.

“I most certainly was not.”

“Oh, come on, I know you like them,” Barx said with a wag. “Well, I didn’t have time to make you any boots, but I did knit you this sweater. It matches mine!”

With his teeth, the dog held up the ugliest thing I had ever seen. And I lived on Earth.

I began to reconsider whether becoming Emperor of the Universe was worth spending one more millisecond with this slobbering idiot.

CHAPTER 13

By the time I got home, Dad was in full panic mode. “I was calling and calling for Klawde, but he never came!”

“Well, that’s not so unusual,” I said.

“But I was yelling that I had paneer,” Dad said. “And you know he knows that word.”

“Among others,” I mumbled.

“I know, right?” Dad said. “Sometimes I could swear he understands English.”

“Did you check the tree he’s been hanging out in?” I asked. “The really tall one?”

“I did!” Dad said. “And I walked around the whole neighborhood calling for him.”

This was a little surprising. I mean, Klawde might act like he was deaf, but if someone mentioned a dairy product, he had super-hearing. I wondered if his disappearance had something to do with that whole becoming-a-hermit thing he’d been talking about.

“Well, you know how cats are, Dad,” I said. “Sometimes they just go off to be alone. And they can crawl into really small spaces. I mean, Klawde could still be in the house and we’d never know it.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he said. He didn’t sound convinced, though.

“Where’d the paneer come from, anyway?” I asked.

“Your grandma sent a care package in the mail,” Dad said absently. “Look, Raj, I think you and I should do another search through the neighborhood.”

“But, um, maybe we should heat up some of this food first?” I said, opening the box. I still hadn’t eaten today, and it was full of good stuff, including Ajji’s homemade mango pickles. And her sambar!

Dad stared at me in shock. “How can you eat at a time like this?” he said.

But as soon as the microwave started going and the smell of Ajji’s dal filled the kitchen, his face changed. “Well, maybe we do need a little food, Raj. Just to keep our energy up while we’re out looking.”

As we sat down to eat, it crossed my mind that maybe Klawde had decided to go with Barx to the Good Animals Group.

But on second thought, that was just too ridiculous.

CHAPTER 14

Bambokki was humid, covered in tall, pole-like trees, and unbearably hot. The infernal sweater Barx forced me to wear made me even hotter.

“Here we are—the convention hall,” Barx said, pushing the door open with his nose. “Welcome to your first meeting of GAG, Klawde, old pal!”

The cavernous room was teeming with gentle rabbits, fuzzy koalas, kindhearted chipmunks, and our fat, jolly panda hosts.

It was disgusting.

If I had felt out of place in the Dog Star Cluster, it was far worse here. At least dogs were fellow predators, capable of sudden acts of lethal violence. The only thing these “Good Animals” wanted to do was be friendly and welcome me to their idiotic club.

I knew I needed to win over these simpletons if I wanted my scheme to succeed, but I was too hungry to fake my way through their small talk. I made my way to the buffet, hoping for some delectable roasted sprikkelbrats with groundbird meatballs, or at least ten-species-shish-kebab. But there was nothing except some kind of green, fibrous substance.

“Pardon me,” I asked the panda in front of me. “Where is the food?”

“Where’s the food?” The black-and-white buffoon looked at me like I was the stupid one. “You’re looking at it, friend! These here shoots are the tenderest bamboo in the whole galaxy!”

He stuck a stalk in his mouth and started to chew.

I attempted to do the same. It tasted like a stick.

“Time to circle up, everyone!” called a different panda. “I want you to say hello to the animal on your left, and then to the animal on your right. And remember, while we may be different species out there, we’re all the same species in here!”

I was trying to process this gibberish when the mole to my left said, “Hello there, chum! Nice sweater!” And the fuzzy rabbit on my other side said, “Hi, kitty cat!” Then he tried rubbing noses with me.

“Please don’t do that.”

“Let’s each set an intention for what we want to accomplish here today,” the panda said. “And I want you to thank yourselves for getting off your home planet today and trying to make a difference.”

I intend to rule the universe, I said to myself. Thank me.

Next, we sat through breathing exercises and a sharing circle, and then we had to recite the Oath of Goodness and Loyalty. I was beginning to despair that we would ever get to the reason I had come, but at last the presiding panda declared that it was time to pick a candidate for emperor.

“So, who would like to make the first nomination?” she asked.

A mouse was the first to speak. “I think it’s high time a rabbit be emperor!”

“Oh no,” the rabbits murmured. “We are not worthy!”

The rabbits then suggested a panda be the candidate, but the pandas also demurred. It went on like this for what seemed like an eternity, with every species insisting that some other species should be emperor. Did none of them want the job, or were they just faking? The latter was the only reasonable explanation, of course, but these animals were dripping with sincerity.

“How about our canine friends?” a giraffe said. “They are so wise—maybe they know who we should nominate.”

“We’re not wise at all!” Barx said. “But you know who is both wise and sincere? Our new feline friend here. Has everyone met Klawde?”

In unison, all the animals turned to me and said, “Hello, friend Klawde!”

A small bright-eyed creature I couldn’t quite identify—it looked like a cross between a gerbil and a dustball—called out, “Who do you think we should nominate, friend Klawde?”

This was the moment I had been waiting for. Standing up tall and proud, I addressed the representatives of the many peaceful species of the universe.

“In all humility, the only reasonable answer can be . . .” I paused dramatically. “Me!”

CHAPTER 15

It had been over twenty-four hours since any of us had seen Klawde. He’d never been gone this long before, and by the time I left for school, even Mom was worried.

That afternoon I decided to skip basketball practice to go look for him. Cedar and Steve came, too, and Dad met us at the door with a mountain of LOST CAT flyers he’d made.

“I took this picture last week, right after he bit me on the nose,” Dad said. Tears welled up in his eyes. “I sure do miss that little guy.”

Mom, meanwhile, handed me a map of Elba. Big red Xs marked all the stores and intersections where she wanted us to put up the posters.

“You kids take our neighborhood and the rest of the north side, and I’ll do the south.” She glanced over at my dad. “And, Krish,” she said, “maybe you should stay home in case Klawde comes back.”

Dad nodded, sniffling.

Cedar, Steve, and I walked around stapling flyers to telephone poles. I started to feel a little better, just because I was doing something.

“Hey, Raj! How’s it going?” It was Lindy, taking Wuffles for a walk. She stopped to read the poster I’d just put up, and her eyes went wide. “You can’t find Klawde?”

I shook my head. “You haven’t seen him in your yard, have you?”

“No, not for days. Chad misses him,” she said. “Gosh, I hope he’s okay. Did you hear about the Walkers’ cat? It got attacked by a coyote last week.”

“Whoa,” Steve said. “Is the cat okay?”

“Yeah! It’s totally learning to walk on three legs now,” Lindy said. “And it really only needs one eye.”

I felt a knot growing in my stomach. Could even Klawde survive getting attacked by a coyote?

We walked around for three more hours until all of Elba was postered. I kept checking my phone, hoping to get a text from Dad that Klawde was back.

“Call us if you find him,” Cedar said as she and Steve headed home.

When I got back to the house, Dad was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “I haven’t been scratched in over thirty-six hours,” he said. “It’s just not right.”

My mom put her arm around me. “I’m so sorry, Raj,” she said. “Are you okay?”

“The real question is,” I said, “is Klawde okay?”

Mom gave me a kiss. “I hope so,” she said.

CHAPTER 16

I was fantastic. After I nominated myself, an awed hush fell over the crowd. At least, I expected it was awed. Who could tell what these meek fuzzballs were thinking? Even Barx was hard to read. Was he wagging like that because he approved?

“Can he do that?” a rotund groundhog finally asked. “We never nominate ourselves for anything here at GAG.”

“We nominate others—it’s more polite,” a small pink-eyed rabbit pointed out.

“Indeed it is,” I said. “And it is yet another reason why GAG is so wonderful. But allow me to explain why I should be your candidate for the emperorship.”

The members of GAG were born listeners, and it was refreshing not to have to bludgeon anyone into silence, as was customary at AWESOME gatherings.

I first pointed out my years of experience ruling a planet. “As the Supreme Leader of Lyttyrboks, I . . . well, never mind the specifics. I did many, many great things. And as Emperor of the Universe, I will do many more great things!”

“Like spreading peace and harmony across the universe?” the rabbit called out.

“Right, exactly like that.” I saw many animals nodding. Was it possible they believed me? “As emperor,” I said, “I will be a champion of kindness and equality for all creatures, wherever they live and whatever they may be.” After nearly choking on a hairball—how appropriate this group was named “GAG”—I went on. “I will be a candidate who stands for respect, honesty, and sincere apologies. I believe that by joining together, we can form a more perfect universe!”

At this point, an objection was raised by a small morsel—I mean, mouse.

“He does sound sincere about wanting to spread goodwill and kindness,” she squeaked. “But the name Wyss-Kuzz still inspires fear on all the million mouse moons.”

Do not purr, I told myself.

“But I am no longer Wyss-Kuzz,” I said. “I am now Klawde. My experience living among the primitive Humans has changed me. As proof, I will tell you what the Allied Warlords of Evil said when they kicked me out of their group.”

Though it pained me to do so, I read aloud the slanderous charges my former clubmates had leveled against me, including the part about cavorting with dogs and Humans.

“It’s true,” Barx said. “All Klawde’s evil friends think he’s a loser now.”

“But what if this is a trick?” the mouse said, unconvinced.

“How can it be a trick?” the rabbit asked. “He took the Oath of Goodness and Loyalty!”

The mouse’s whiskers twitched in thought. “Well, I guess no one would ever break an oath,” she said.

“I understand why our mouse friend is appetizing to—I mean, objecting to me. After all, I am a former evil warlord. But my past experiences will help me spread truth and love even better, because I understand how evil warlords think. I alone will be able to defeat the candidate of AWESOME. And, after having done so, I will be able to work with the warlords, so we can all join together to create lasting change throughout space and time!” I raised my tail proudly in the air. “Are you with me, Good Animals?”

The response was deafening and unanimous.

“Klawde for emperor!”

“Huzzah! Huzzah!”

“Long live Klawde!”

The approving roar of the crowd reminded me of the feline mob back home before they turned on me. Perhaps I was only the leader of a bunch of softhearted cretins, but I was again a leader.

Today, GAG; tomorrow, the universe!

CHAPTER 17

The house was awfully quiet that night. I was brushing my teeth, wondering where Klawde could be, when everything got lit up by a bright green flash. I immediately ran to the window. Could it be—

“Krish,” Mom called, “I thought that electrician told you the problem was fixed.”

Then we heard that familiar sound—a cry like a possum being electrocuted.

“Klawde!” Dad cried, practically falling down the stairs to get to the front door. “You’re back!”

He flung the door open and scooped the cat up so quickly, I don’t think Klawde knew what was happening. “Oh, kitty,” Dad said, “we missed you so much.”

Klawde scratched Dad on the cheek, struggled out of his arms, and ran into the kitchen.

“I bet you’re hungry,” Mom said, getting out some of Ajji’s yogurt rice and putting it down for Klawde. “After all your gallivanting.”

Klawde devoured everything. He was opening his mouth up as wide as it would go and not even chewing.

“Where did you go, little guy? What kind of adventures did you have?” Dad said. “I can’t even imagine.”

Dad might not have been able to, but I could. And I was furious.

Before I could confront Klawde, though, I had to wait until he finished three giant bowls of food. Then I followed him upstairs to my bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind me so my parents wouldn’t ask who I was yelling at.

“You’ve been off-planet,” I said. “I saw the flash!”

“That is a very rude tone to be using with the future lord of all living matter, ogre.”

“What are you talking about?” I said. “Wait, don’t answer that. I’m too mad at you. How could you disappear for two whole days and not tell us? You didn’t even leave me a note! I skipped basketball practice to look for you today.”

“Shouldn’t you be thanking me for that?”

“No, it’s important to me,” I said. “Do you have any idea how many people were trying to find you? Or how many posters we put up? You can’t go anywhere in Elba without seeing your face.”

“My likeness should grace every corner of this dreary planet,” Klawde said. “When I was Supreme Leader of Lyttyrboks, it was law that my portrait hang in every public place.”

“Well, you’re not in charge on Earth,” I said. “And you can’t just disappear like that!”

“I don’t have to answer to you. In mere moonrises, you and every other living creature in the universe will bow down before me!”

“Klawde, what—”

“Silence!” he said. “I must nap.”

“Where did you go, anyway? Were you with Barx? Did you go to the Good Animals meeting?”

Klawde refused to answer.

I wondered what he was hiding from me. And what was all this bowing down before him stuff? It was normal for him to talk about conquering a planet, but not ruling the universe. Had my cat finally lost his mind?

Or was I the crazy one for even worrying about it? I mean, Klawde liked to brag about his amazing schemes, but so far none of them had worked out.

CHAPTER 18

Though I would never admit this to the boy-ogre, it was not complete and utter torture to be back on Earth. This was mostly due to the paneer and other delectables that had arrived from the grandmother-ogre. It was also gratifying to learn that the Humans had nearly died of sorrow in my absence.

After eating, I proceeded upstairs for a nap on the boy-ogre’s sleeping platform. It was impossible to rest, however, once he began angrily complaining about my recent unexplained disappearance.

I was pleased to see my Human capable of rage, even if it was aimed in my direction. Perhaps there was hope for him yet.

Still, it was intolerable to be dressed down by a lower life-form, and I would hear no more of it. I leaped off the sleeping platform to go to the bunker.

“Look, Klawde,” the boy said. “Can you at least promise never to do that to me or my parents again?”

“Fine,” I said, and departed.

This, of course, was a lie. I was going to be leaving again very soon, as the election contest would begin in 250 time units—the equivalent of approximately three Earth days—deep inside the Infinitude, a vast, distant sector of the cosmos unreachable by wormhole.

Although I had no problem breaking a promise (or an oath, for that matter), I realized that I did not want to hear the boy-ogre whine about my absence once I returned. Thus I needed to find someone—or something—to take my place at the fortress. Luckily, I knew just what that something would be. I simply needed Flooffee to send it here.

But first I required the minion to give me news of AWESOME’s convention.

“Tell me, lackey,” I said. “Was there mayhem and bloodshed?”

“Even better, O Supremest!” he said. “The buffet was so delicious. I mean, we’ve all had grilled Ravolkian rumshumples. But deep-fried? With oystroid sauce! Oh boy, Most Masterful, you would’ve licked twenty plates clean!”

“Enough, fool!” I said. “One, you are making me hungry. Two, I must know who I will crush in the contest for the emperor’s throne!”

Flooffee blinked stupidly at me. “Wait, seriously? You’re the candidate of the Good Animals Group? I did not think that plan was going to work.”

“You should know by now to never underestimate Wyss-Kuzz the Magnificent!”

“Okay, well, I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this, O Superior Sire,” Flooffee said, “but AWESOME nominated General Ffangg.”

I met the news with one mighty swish of my tail. “Have they, now?” I said. “What a most welcome development.”

“Really?” Flooffee said. “I thought you were going to be super mad.”

“Hardly. I find it pitiful that AWESOME would nominate a double-crossing, dull-clawed alley cat such as Ffangg to be Emperor of the Universe. Yet I relish it, because now I will finally have the chance to defeat my most infuriating enemy. And this time, the entire cosmos will be watching!”

“Wow, good for you!” my minion said. “Confidence is important.”

“At my coronation as emperor, the only dish served at the buffet will be revenge.”

“Wait, no grilled sprikkelbrats?”

“It was a metaphor, you fool!”

“So . . . that means yes on the sprikkelbrats?”

How I wished I could simply hang up on him, but I had one more question.

“Tell me, minion,” I said. “Has the X2 remained operational in my absence?”

“Well, he needs a new fission pack and he’s probably super dusty, but he should still work. Why?”

“Get your feather duster out, Flooffee,” I said. “For the X2 has a new assignment. On Earth!”

CHAPTER 19

“Good morning, Fightin’ Flatworms!” Miss Emmy Jo said as our homeroom smart screen flickered on.

“Bookworms,” Brody reminded her.

“Whatever!” she said. “I heard from a little birdie that one of y’all has their first basketball game of the season this afternoon. Is that right, Mister Number Twenty-Seven?”

I shrank down in my seat.

“Go, Barkworms!” she shouted. “Go, Rage!”

“It’s Raj,” I said, shrinking even farther down.

The truth was, though, I couldn’t wait for the game. I felt like I watched every minute tick off the clock until I was finally on the court and warming up with the rest of the team.

After the shootaround, the coach called us in for a pregame pep talk. It was all about working together and communicating with one another, and I wished I could have recorded it for Newt. She still hadn’t done anything on the Napoleon project, while I’d already read two books on the guy and started putting together the slideshow.

The whistle blew and it was time to play. The stands weren’t packed, but there was enough of a crowd to make me nervous. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself in front of all these people.

I didn’t get off the bench the whole first period, but Coach put me in to start the second half. I made a good crosscourt pass right away, and I quickly realized that I wasn’t going to embarrass myself. It was Dad who was going to embarrass me.

He jumped up and down in the stands and hollered every time I touched the ball. The worst was when I got to the free throw line, because he burst into “Raj, Raj, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!”

It’s hard to make a free throw while rolling your eyes, but I did it.

Our team won by eleven points, and there were lots of high fives in the locker room. When I came out, Dad was waiting for me with a big grin on his face. Mom, too.

“Oh, Raj, that was even more exciting than chess,” she said.

Dad gave me a big hug. He was breathing hard and sweating. “Man, cheering you on is a major workout!”

As we were walking toward the car, Newt came over. “Nice game, Raj,” she said, and made for a high five.

As I went to slap her hand, she pulled it away.

“But you gotta work on your reaction time.”

CHAPTER 20

“Is it okay yet for the X2 to enter Earth’s atmosphere, O Master of Masters?” my minion asked.

With the parent-ogres having departed for the boy-ogre’s sporting contest, the fortress was at last empty. “Send him down,” I said into the communicator.

Mere seconds later, the small spacecraft approached its targeted landing area in the rear yard. Just before touching down, it slowed to a hover and began to transform. Its wings, made from an indestructible fermatrium alloy, folded inward to reveal soft gray fur. The craft’s landing gear morphed into four legs, and its thruster was replaced by a flexible and luxurious tail. Finally, the nose cone transformed itself into a proud and noble face.

Mine.

The catdroid blinked its eyes. “Hello, O All-Encompassing Master.” The voice sounded like mine, but it was actually Flooffee speaking. He was controlling the X2 from Lyttyrboks.

In a moment of rare brilliance, my minion had designed and built this Wyss-Kuzz replica to thwart all those who tried to assassinate me when I was Supreme Leader of Lyttyrboks. Colonel Akorn alone had fallen for the ruse dozens of times.

“Remember when Akorn popped up out of nowhere and cried, ‘I’ve got you this time, Wyss-Kuzz! Revenge is mine!’?” Flooffee asked. “Oh, the look on his face when he realized the head he had just cut off was a catdroid’s!”

“That was adorable.”

Here on Earth, of course, the X2’s role would be simpler: He would be my stand-in so that the ogres did not realize I was off-planet.

I gave Flooffee a tour of the fortress, showing him strange Human inventions, such as the kitchen chair. “It is because their bodies are so poorly designed that they cannot even sit on the ground without assistance.”

“Wow, it almost makes you feel sorry for them,” my minion said. “Hey, what’s that noise? It sounds like a Sproxian reverse thruster.”

I sighed. “That would be my ride.”

Dull claws came thumping down the bunker steps, and then—

“Hey, good buddy! I’m here to pick you up. Next stop, the Infinitude!” Barx panted stupidly at me. Then the idiot noticed the catdroid. “Whoa—are there two of you now? I must be in trouble, because I’m seeing double!”

The things I would put up with in order to rule the universe.

CHAPTER 21

I was just about to say something back to Newt when Dad came over.

“Is this one of your nice school friends, Raj?” Dad asked. He stuck out his hand. “Hey there! I’m Krish Banerjee. Super nice to meet you!”

“Oh, I know you, Dr. Banerjee. I’ve seen your ads,” Newt said. Then she made guns out of her fingers and pointed them at my dad. “There’s a new dentist in town!”

Mom and I both groaned. Right after we moved here, Dad had run a bunch of ads in the local paper to drum up business. They showed him dressed in a cowboy hat with a dental drill in each hand, underneath the words WANTED: A FABULOUS SMILE.

“You’re basically famous,” Newt said.

“You’re too kind.”

Was my dad blushing? Newt was so obviously putting him on.

“Um, I’ll catch up with you guys in the car,” I said.

Mom put her arm around Dad’s waist and said, “Come on, Krish—let’s give Raj a moment with his friend.” Then she winked at me.

Did she think I actually liked Newt? Gross!

As they walked away, Newt said something I was not expecting.

“Look, I’m sorry about the other day,” she said. “I totally crashed on my skateboard when I went to get us pizza. Some random person had to stop and bandage me up.”

She rolled up her jeans to show me her left knee. The whole thing was nothing but scab, and the skin around it was purple and blue. Now that was gross.

“I would’ve called you, but my phone was dead,” she added.

I tried to decide whether or not to believe her. I mean, why would she lie about something like that? Well, other than the fact that she lied to me all the time.

“How about I come over to your house tomorrow after school?” she said. “I’m ready to do some serious work.”

“Okay,” I said, shrugging. I’d believe that when I saw it.

CHAPTER 22

“Boy oh boy! I just love a road trip, don’t you? There aren’t actually any roads in space, but you know what I mean,” Barx said. “Don’t you wish you could stick your head out the window and sniff up the smells of the universe?”

“You can’t breathe in outer space, you flop-tongued fool,” I said.

Barx’s tail beat against the back of his seat. “I can’t believe we’re going to the Infinitude—the place where it all began! Whether we are cat or dog, we are all star stuff! Oh, Klawde, I feel so bonded to you right now.”

I vomited into my cup holder.

We blew past the Quartz Nebula and the Voxorkian Supercluster, but when we came to the Hakkilott Asteroid Belt, Barx slowed the craft.

“Why are you pulling over into this wasteland?” I demanded.

Barx unbuckled his spacebelt. “I gotta lift my leg on something.”

“You just did that three hundred thousand light years ago!”

“When you gotta lift, you gotta lift,” Barx said, undoing the air lock. “Besides, this might be unmarked territory!”

If only I could have left the fool there.

While I waited, I turned my thoughts to what I would do once I became emperor. Jail and humiliate my enemies, of course, but what else? Make all beings pledge daily allegiance to me? Begin my own Reign of Terror? I did like that name.

“Boy, I feel a lot better now,” Barx said, reentering the cockpit. “And I was feeling pretty great before. I mean, you and me, working together to spread honesty and goodness throughout the universe. Isn’t it amazing?”

Yes, it really was amazing: Every time I thought Barx could not be more brainless, he proved me wrong.

“Stop yammering and pilot this thing,” I said. “We’re going to be late.”

Barx glanced at the instrument panel and then scratched his head with a hind paw. “Hmm, now where’s that pesky Kopeck Galaxy? I feel like we should’ve passed it by now . . .” He squinted into the icy blackness with his tongue hanging out. “Really, it’d be so much better if we could open this window.”

“We’re lost?” I shouted. “How did you get LOST? Don’t you have your map app turned on?”

Barx cocked his head at me. “Come on, Klawde, there’s no GPS this close to the Infinitude! And I’ve never been here before.”

“So how are we supposed to navigate?”

“Usually I go by smell. I mean, on planets, the nose knows, good buddy. But in space? It’s like the Good Dog says, Have faith in your instincts, and you shall find your true path. Or is it find your bone? I never could keep that one straight.”

“I’ll tell you what you need to keep straight—our path to the Infinitude!” I roared. “Now stop talking and start moving!”

And with that, Barx pressed the thrusters, and we commenced warp speed.

CHAPTER 23

After the game, we had a late dinner of leftovers. Because it was the last of the food Ajji had sent, I wondered why Klawde hadn’t come running the second the microwave started going. At first I was happy, because I didn’t want to share. But then I started to worry. He wouldn’t have gone off-planet without telling me again, would he?

“I have to say, that Newt sure seems sweet,” Dad said as he took a sip of rasam.

“Sweet is not the word I’d use,” I said.

“Speaking of something sweet,” Mom said, “I think we should celebrate your first game with a treat.”

Mom’s usual idea of a treat was green tea sweetened with a drop of agave syrup, so I was pretty psyched when it turned out she’d bought a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. We were having big bowls of it in the living room when Klawde came in and leaped onto the couch.

Next to Dad.

“Hey, little buddy! You missed Krish, did you?”

I expected Klawde to at least hiss at him, but he just curled up and closed his eyes. He didn’t even try to get at the ice cream!

“He’s obviously happy to be back,” Mom said. “It must have been scary to be away from home for so long. Sometimes an experience like that can change an animal’s personality.”

I found that seriously hard to believe in Klawde’s case. Plus it wasn’t like he’d gotten himself lost. He’d gone to another planet.

“Poor little guy,” Dad said. “Hey, Raj, look at this! He’s letting me scratch his belly.”

Was Klawde feeling okay? Could space travel have scrambled his brain?

Later, when I went upstairs to go to sleep, Klawde was lying right in the middle of the bed.

“Do you have to do this every single night?” I said. “Can you please just move over?”

“Sorry,” he said, scooting over to the edge of the bed. “Is that better?”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “Klawde, were you just polite? Did you do what I asked?”

Klawde blinked at me. “Uh . . . that was a mistake,” he said. “What I meant to say was, This bed is mine, you worthless minion ogre-Human! Now, er, I have to leave. Don’t follow me, furless fool!”

As Klawde vanished down the hall, I wondered if Mom was right. Maybe being gone really had changed Klawde.

CHAPTER 24

Although the ancients noted that dogs possessed excellent senses of direction, this particular dog had gotten us lost yet again. After taking a wrong turn by the Brobdingnagian star nursery, Barx got us trapped by the gravitational pull of a gas giant. We orbited it three times while he made imbecilic fart jokes. When he said, “I’ll show you a gas giant, woof woof,” I had to restrain myself from beating him to death with his space helmet.

When at last we arrived in the Infinitude, Barx panted with excitement as he steered us toward our final destination: the Temple of the Ages.

Built upon the black surface of a cooled dwarf star, the Temple of the Ages was home to the exalted All-Wise Council. Nearly everything about these twelve supreme beings was a secret, including what species they were. (Though one must assume they were felines of some sort.)

As the Council alone understood the myriad mysteries of the cosmos, it was they who would select the universe’s next emperor.

Me, obviously.

As we hurried toward the Temple, we saw a multitude of creatures thronged around the base of the Eternal Steps. The ceremony was already underway.

“No doubt we’ve missed the Pledge of the Planets and the singing of the ‘Star-Spangled Cosmos,’” I hissed. “Thanks to you.”

Barx’s tail drooped. “Aw. I wanted to howl the chorus to that.”

More importantly, I was late to join my fellow nominees at the top of the Eternal Steps. I could hardly believe how many of us there were. The platform was so crowded that the only place I could find to stand was right next to my nemesis.

Ffangg’s eyes went wide upon seeing me. Then the wretch began to snicker.

“I was looking forward to humiliating you in front of the entire universe,” he said, “but that sweater is doing the job for me.”

I opened my mouth to deliver a stinging rebuke but caught myself, for there were many GAG pandas in the crowd. These black-and-white bozos were known for being excellent lip-readers.

“I . . . very much . . . like this sweater,” I said. “It . . . hurts my ‘feelings’ that you would mock it.”

Ffangg’s ears flattened back against his skull. “This ruse is beneath even you, Wyss-Kuzz,” he hissed.

“Howdy howdy!” a beaver said, sticking his head between us. “My name’s Q’bip! So you fellers want to be emperor, too, huh? Well, I’m the candidate of the Semi-Aquatic Rodents for Progress Party. It sure is an honor to be here with you two on such a great—”

“HARK, YE CREATURES OF THE COSMOS!” a voice rang out.

My enemy’s tail puffed in alarm at the sight of the speaker, a gargantuan long-haired braagnox. But the bear hardly fazed me; after all, I lived with Humans.

“As Supreme Guardian and Protector of the All-Wise Council, I welcome ye who have journeyed through space and time to be here today,” she declared. “And I hereby bring this session of the Imperial Selection to order!”

The crowd roared, and shivers of excitement ran through my fur. It was happening! Soon I would meet the All-Wise Council and prove myself before them. I had dreamed of this moment my entire life!

“Upon these Eternal Steps stands the future ruler over all living matter!” the braagnox bellowed. “But who will it be? Bovintus, distinguished buffalo from the Free Roam Association?” There was a loud stamping of hooves. “Or Gulo, untamed wolverine from the Rugged Individualist Society? Or perhaps Finx, wily weasel of the Federated Social Media Trolls League?”

As the braagnox introduced nominee after nominee, I scanned the crowd for members of AWESOME. I saw Generalissima Zok first—of course, it is difficult to miss a two-legged, three-ton ground shark with 794 razor-sharp teeth. Next to her was that Spatziod bounty hunter who always made such a pig of himself at the warlords’ buffet. (He was a boar, but still.) And then I spied the fluffy tail of Colonel Akorn. He caught my glance and returned it with a knowing smirk.

When I became emperor, he would never smirk again!

Although it was so very cute.

The braagnox caught my attention with her next introduction.

“Perchance our next emperor shall be General Ffangg,” she thundered, “he of the Allied Warlords of Evil, Sabotage, Oppression, and More Evil.”

This introduction was met with much loud hissing. At least from me.

“And our final candidate is yet another feline, this one hailing from the Good An— Wait, is this right?” The braagnox looked down at her notes and then shook her head. “Apparently, hailing from the Good Animals Group, we have Klawde!”

Though I winced to hear myself described as such, I winced still more when the pack of spacemutts began to howl their approval.

“Woof woof, Klawdie,” Ffangg whispered.

Before I could respond, the braagnox raised her enormous paw, signaling the assembled to silence.

“And now, animals of the cosmos, the time hath come,” the braagnox gravely intoned. “Let the Imperial Selection begin!”

CHAPTER 25

I’d been home from practice for about half an hour when the doorbell rang.

“Don’t look so surprised,” Newt said as I opened the door. “I told you I’d be over to work on our project.”

“Uh, right,” I said. “Come on in.”

We went into the kitchen, and I opened my laptop to show her what I’d done so far.

Napoleon Bonaparte was born in 1769 on the island of Corsica. After going to school at a military academy, he became a lieutenant in the French Army in 1785.

“That looks pretty good,” Newt said. “But you know what would make it better? A different font.”

“Huh?”

She knocked me aside and started messing with my slide, changing the color, size, and shape of the letters.

“And you need exclamation points,” she said. “All writing is more interesting with exclamation points.”

Napoleon Bonaparte

was born in 1769 on the island of Corsica! After going to school at a military academy, he became

a LIEUTENANT in the French army in 1785!!!!

“Um, I’m not sure that’s what we should be worrying about right now,” I said.

“Of course it is,” she said. “You have to grab people’s attention visually.”

Newt made another change, and the letters turned green and squiggly.

“That just looks gross,” I said. “Also, I’ve only done like ten slides, and we need fifty.”

“Well, I guess you better keep writing.”

Right then, I could understand how Klawde felt about his enemies. “Fine, then can you give me my computer?” I asked.

Newt grunted and went back to trying different fonts. I was about to rip the computer out of her hands when Klawde walked into the kitchen. When he saw Newt, he went over and rubbed up against her leg. Why was he doing that?

“Get your cat away from me, dude,” Newt said. “I’m allergic.”

Almost apologetically, Klawde turned around and jumped up on the counter.

“Hey, why is your last slide about the French Revolution?” Newt said. “Napoleon’s, like, barely done anything yet.”

“I just told you we need to do forty more!” I said. “If you’re not going to do anything, can you at least not criticize?”

She finally let me have the computer back so I could start on a new slide.

Then Newt said, “Uh, I don’t really know much about cats. But do their heads normally spin around like that?”

“What are you talking about?” I said. I looked up and saw Klawde racing out of the kitchen.

“Your cat’s head just did a 360,” Newt said. “Like, for real.”

“Yeah, right,” I said, still typing. I wasn’t going to let her fool me again.

CHAPTER 26

It was dark inside the Temple of the Ages, but I could tell from our echoing pawsteps that the hall was vast. My superior feline eyes began to adjust—but where was the All-Wise Council?

At last, the braagnox stopped at what appeared to be a trapdoor in the Temple floor. “I hope ye are ready, imperial candidates,” she said. “Beneath this portal ye will enter the chamber of the All-Wise Council, where ye will face the same tests every potential emperor before ye has. Perhaps ye have heard of . . . the Three Trials?”

Beside me, Q’bip tried to stifle a gasp. The Three Trials were legendary. Although no one knew exactly what they were, I assumed that at least two involved bloodshed.

The braagnox grabbed the handle of the trapdoor and paused to look grimly at each of us. “If any of ye speak of what transpires inside, it is my sworn duty to hunt thee down and cut off thy head!” Then she bared her teeth in what might have been a smile. “Now go have some fun.”

I decided I rather liked this braagnox.

The first to descend through the trapdoor was Nuknuk, the chipmunk representative of the Society of Vegetarians for Nutritiousness.

“More like the Smorgasbord of Prey Animals for Deliciousness,” Ffangg whispered.

One had to admit—he was funny.

But even as we mocked her, I wondered what three trials Nuknuk was undergoing. And, more importantly, how was she faring?

When Nuknuk finally reappeared, her eyes were glazed and her nose twitched uncontrollably. She looked as if she had undergone great horrors.

How splendid! Obviously the chipmunk had failed miserably.

“Next,” the braagnox bellowed.

The wolverine entered the chamber eagerly. Many time units later, he too reemerged, a shell of his former self. Whimpering, he was led away by two smaller braagnox guards, as Nuknuk had been before him.

More candidates went, and all returned shattered. Whatever trials they were facing, I knew that I would face them more bravely.

“Wyss-Kuzz, old friend,” Ffangg said wistfully, “we have competed against each other in many contests over the years, haven’t we?”

“Ah yes—remember our fighter pilot races back when we were just kits?” I mused. “I was undefeated, as I recall.”

“I prefer to remember the Oratory Olympics,” Ffangg said. “Did you ever win a single Golden Tongue?”

“As if anyone cares about that stupid contest!”

Thus did we engage in several hours of fierce argument, which was a pleasant way to entertain ourselves during the endless wait. I was desperately eager to take my turn, but every time the braagnox called out another candidate, I was disappointed. Finally, after the skunk from the Society of Odiferous Spray Glands was led out, her fur now totally white, only two candidates remained. Myself, and Ffangg.

Unfortunately, the braagnox called my nemesis next. His session with the Council lasted longer than any of the others’ had, and I began to fear he might be doing well. Even more troubling, he did not seem wholly wrecked when he reemerged through the trapdoor.

“Your turn,” he said to me with a snarl.

So this was it. The braagnox held open the trapdoor for me, and the two of us descended into ever deeper darkness. At the bottom, we came to another door.

The woolly bear pointed her scepter at me. “On the other side of this portal are the oldest and wisest creatures in the universe, the very sight of whom have caused some to weep,” the braagnox said. “Prepare thyself to meet . . . the COUNCIL!”

CHAPTER 27

My history teacher was also the girls’ basketball coach, so after practice I went over and asked her if I could finish the project by myself.

“Newt hasn’t done any work yet.”

“I’m sure she’s trying her best,” Ms. McQuade said.

“She’s really not,” I said. “The only thing she’s done so far is mess around with font colors and use Photoshop to draw a big mustache on Napoleon.”

“Look, with a project like this, the most important thing isn’t always the history,” she said. “It’s the collaboration, and learning how to work with people we don’t necessarily get along with.”

This really wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

When I got home, I ditched my backpack by the front door and slumped down onto a kitchen chair. Klawde was napping on the counter, but his eyes opened the moment I walked in.

“You have lots of enemies,” I said to him. “But have you ever had to, like, work with one of them?”

“Enemies?” Klawde said. “I don’t have any enemies.”

“What do you mean you don’t have any enemies?” I said. “You’re always talking about how everyone has betrayed you and stuff.”

Klawde blinked. “Oh yes, I meant to say that I have many, many enemies! That Ffangg! He is the worst! Oooh, he’s such a meanie!” Then he kind of hissed. “On the other hand, my colleague Flooffee-Fyr is both handsome and pleasant to talk to. I think more cats should appreciate him for being the loyal, intelligent cat he is. He’s like a brother to me, and my very best friend.”

This did not sound like Klawde at all.

I reached out my hand to touch his forehead—cats could get fevers, right?—and he actually let me. But his fur didn’t feel warm, it felt cool. Cold, even.

“Klawde,” I said. “What is going on with you?”

He blinked again. “What? There’s nothing wrong!”

Then his head started spinning around, laser beams shot out of his eyes, and the kitchen trash can burst into flames.

Uh-oh.

CHAPTER 28

When the braagnox opened the immense door, I expected to see a sumptuously glittering hall, an elite guard of intergalactic bears, and twelve ancient, long-whiskered felines seated upon thrones of Carpawthian aurum. Instead, I found myself in a dark, moist cave facing twelve large . . .

Rocks?

“Esteemed members of the All-Wise Council,” the braagnox announced, “I present to thee: KLAWDE!”

Members? What members? The braagnox seemed to be talking to the stones.

Then something happened that made the fur along my spine rise up in shock. The rocks grew legs. And bald, scaly heads!

The keepers of the secrets of the cosmos weren’t felines at all. They were turtles!

Turtles? That could not be right! Turtles were known across the universe to be slow, indolent, and unambitious. I myself had conquered Tartaruga Major and Minor and sunk the population into serfdom with hardly any trouble at all.

I did hope these turtles wouldn’t hold that against me.

The members of the Council began to crawl toward me, so slowly that at first I did not even realize they were moving. They seemed to be conversing with each other, but I could not understand their ancient language.

“What are they—”

“SILENCE!” the braagnox commanded. “Speak only when spoken to.”

I stifled a hiss. Perhaps I did not like her as much as I thought.

“In their infinite wisdom, the Council crafts trials to suit each individual candidate,” she went on. “Thy first trial, feline, will be one of skill.”

This was splendid news, for I was skilled in all things—violent ones especially. I could almost feel my claws sharpening themselves.

The turtles conferred with the braagnox, who then turned to me.

“The Council hath decided thy first task,” the braagnox said. “And that is to sing.”

“Sing?” I repeated. “Sing what?”

“Ask not for details! Do only what the Council commands. And their command is: Sing!”

How ridiculous! And yet, on the other paw, how fortuitous. My singing voice had long been praised. I would begin with one of the great caterwauls of yore, followed by a more modern composition. For my finale, I’d perform an upbeat little ditty about ballistics that I wrote while in military school. Oh, how the other cadets loved it!

I cleared my throat and mentally found my starting pitch. I breathed in, and began.

“R—”

“Thank thee very much,” the braagnox said.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, Thank thee very much.”

“But I barely got out one note bef—”

“SILENCE!” the braagnox ordered.

It was all I could do to stifle another hiss.

To temper my emotions and refocus, I decided to take a Centering Nap. But I’d barely closed my eyes when the giant braagnox shouted again.

“NO NAPPING!”

“No . . . napping?”

When I became emperor, I would banish this mange-ridden bear to the weasel galaxy!

CHAPTER 29

“Whoops!” Klawde said as smoke rose from the trash can. “My bad.”

Except that this couldn’t be Klawde, because for one thing, if Klawde had laser eyes, he would’ve used them a long time ago. And for another, he’d never say “my bad.”

“Who are you?” I yelled as I stamped out the flames. “What are you?”

The weaponized-cat thing turned toward me, and I ducked behind the refrigerator in case more lasers were on their way.

“Where did you come from?” I yelled. “And what did you do with Klawde?”

Then, in a voice that no longer sounded at all like Klawde’s, the thing spoke. “Darn it, I’ve blown my cover.” It sighed. “The Supreme Leader is going to be so miffed at me!”

“Who are you?”

“Raj, I am Flooffee-Fyr.”

“Flooffee-Fyr?” I said. “Klawde’s minion?”

“I really don’t love that term, I have to say. I prefer colleague or associate. Or best pal!”

“But what happened to Klawde?”

“Don’t worry about him. He’s fine.” The mechanical Klawde blinked. “I mean, I think he’s fine. You never know with the Supremest.” Its head spun around again and made a clicking sound.

“So you’re a robot?” I said. “I thought you were a real cat.”

“I am! This is the X2, a catdroid look-alike of the Great Leader. I’m operating it from back on Lyttyrboks. The Masterful One wanted me to send it to your house so—let’s see, how did he put it? Oh right. So the idiotic ogres don’t know I’m off their miserable swamp of a planet.”

Now that sounded like Klawde. But I still didn’t know where he was.

Flooffee explained that Klawde had gone off with Barx to “the Infinitude,” which sounded faraway and super scary.

“Oh, don’t be nervous, little ogre, the Infinitude is the primordial cradle of the universe, and it’s just a hop, skip, and a few billion light-years away,” Flooffee said. “Everyone’s gathered there to see who’ll be picked as the next Emperor of the Universe.”

“The what?”

“You know, the animal who lords over all living matter. Didn’t they teach you about that in school?”

“Uh, not exactly.”

“Wow, the Master was right—your schools really are useless,” Flooffee muttered under his breath. “Anyway, the Great Leader is running for emperor!” The catdroid cocked its head and blinked, and another pair of lasers shot out of its eyes and scorched the kitchen table.

“Stop that!”

“Sorry, we seem to be malfunctioning a smidge,” Flooffee said. “I think the Earth’s magnetic field is messing with the controls.”

“I want to hear more about this emperor stuff,” I said. “But first you need to tell me how to fix this catdroid before it burns my house down.”

CHAPTER 30

After a lengthy consultation with the all-wise turtles, the braagnox announced the nature of my next test.

“The second trial is a trial of wisdom,” she said. “In order for the Council to determine if thou will be a fair and righteous emperor, thou must answer one essential question.”

My mind raced—what would that question be? What were the best methods for spying on your own citizens? When was it necessary to humiliate your underlings? Should your subjects bow down before you as an immortal god? These were the sorts of queries any good ruler must answer.

“The Council now asks the most important question that can ever be asked,” the braagnox said, pointing the scepter at me again. “Why?”

I blinked.

“Can you repeat that?” I asked. “I think I must have missed something.”

“’Tis . . .” The braagnox paused dramatically, now raising the scepter above her head. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“’Tis only . . . Why?”

What kind of riddle was this? How could I possibly answer a question so absurdly vague?

“I’m wondering if you could just give me a little bit more direction here,” I asked as nicely as I could.

“DO NOT QUESTION THE QUESTION!” the braagnox roared. “State thy answer, feline. The Council grows impatient.”

I began to feel uncomfortable, and not just because of this wretched sweater. The question was nonsense! Except that it couldn’t be nonsense, for these shelled reptiles were the most ancient and brilliant creatures in the universe.

Did they want to know why I wished to be emperor? Or why cats were so obviously superior to all other creatures? Or were they seeking the answer to every question of why ever asked?

“The Council seeketh a response, feline,” the braagnox growled.

I turned to face the row of turtles, whose dark, unknowable eyes bored into mine.

“There can only be one answer to the question of Why?” I said, speaking in my most commanding voice. “And that is . . . Why not?”

Slowly the turtles began to nod.

And I do mean slowly.

CHAPTER 31

“I just have so many questions for you, little ogre,” Flooffee said as we searched through Klawde’s hidden stash of tools. “Is this litter box really for Earth cats to poop in? And do Humans really scoop it up and save it? You sure have some interesting customs on your planet.”

I finally found the pliers under the VQ Ultra, the virtual reality headset that Klawde had tried to turn into a mind-control device.

“Let’s talk about that stuff later,” I said. “I need you to tell me how to turn off these laser eyes.”

“First you need to remove my head,” Flooffee said.

“Okay,” I said. “How do I do that?”

“Just press the nose in hard, and push the ears back . . . there!” he said as the catdroid’s head popped right off.

I had to admit, it was a little creepy—especially when I set the head down on the table and it kept talking.

“Now unscrew the fibric axeline bolt next to the artificial brain stem.”

I started to ask where that was, but then I heard the door at the top of the stairs creak open. I froze.

“Raj! I know it’s a Friday, but it’s so late,” Mom called. “You need to go to bed.”

“Don’t come down!” I said, throwing a cover over the decapitated head. “I mean, I’ll be up in a little bit, okay? I’m working on my . . . uh, Napoleon project!”

“Oh, well if it’s schoolwork, that’s okay,” Mom said, and shut the door again.

“That was a close one,” the cat head said from under the blanket.

Working with Flooffee was way different from building the teleporter with Klawde. For one thing, Flooffee didn’t yell at me, even when I had trouble figuring my way around the Gorthic micro-actuator.

“Now jack in to the Z node and toggle that—”

The catdroid’s razor-sharp claws began flexing in and out.

“Uh, Flooffee?”

“Whoops, wrong node,” Flooffee said. “Better turn those off before they strip the flesh from your bones. The Z node is sixty-five degrees to your left.”

I was dripping in nervous sweat by then, but eventually I managed to disarm the claws and lasers.

“Gee, ogre,” the head said, “you’re a good robot technician. I don’t know why Klawde says such terrible things about you.”

“He says terrible things about everyone,” I said. “But it’s not like he really means it.”

“Oh, no,” Flooffee said, “he does.”

I paused. “But if he means all the horrible things he says, wouldn’t that make him a pretty scary emperor?” I said. “Or will he not really be in charge of the whole universe?”

“Well, most emperors have been pretty paws-off the last few millennia, but you know the Omnipotent One—he’ll probably want to do something crazy like outlaw dogs and make all living beings shave his name into their fur.”

“Will he ever come back to Earth?”

“I seriously doubt that,” Flooffee said. “I mean, why would he? This place is a total horror show! Um, I mean, it’s nice for you, though. Anyway, we’re ready to put the head back on, so . . .”

I sighed and got back to work. I just hoped Flooffee was wrong—about a lot of things.

CHAPTER 32

As the braagnox conferred with the All-Wise Council, a purr began to rumble in my chest. Surely none of the other candidates had answered the turtles’ question so wisely, or performed as splendidly as I, even if it was for just one single, crystal-clear note.

Once the consultation was complete, the braagnox nodded solemnly and turned back to me. “The third and ultimate trial will demonstrate if thou hath the greatest quality a ruler can possess: BRAVERY.”

Finally we would come to the battle component!

The braagnox drew closer and whispered, “Tell me, feline, art thou ready to face what thou most despises and fears?”

“Of course,” I said. “I despise all and fear nothing!”

“Very good,” the braagnox said. “Then surely, thou will not mind . . . this!”

The braagnox tapped the scepter against the ground three times. A deep and thunderous sound like an earthquake shook the room, and a crack in the floor opened beneath me. As I leaped back in surprise, the walls shuddered, and stones rained down from the ceiling.

Now, this was interesting.

Gracefully dodging a plunging stalactite, I wondered if the entire dead star we were standing on might collapse in upon itself. What fun! I loved a good seismic event.

But then, with three more taps of the braagnox’s scepter, the shaking and rattling ceased. The crack in the floor was now a chasm wide enough for ten cats to fall into.

Still safe on solid ground, I purred. That was easy!

“Now that I’ve passed the third test,” I said, “let’s start making arrangements for the imperial coronation. I was thinking we should sacrifice a few thousand canines for the opening ceremony.”

But the braagnox shook her head. “The test has not even begun.” She reached an enormous paw down into the crevice. “This is the test.” When she pulled it back out, it was dripping with the most vile substance in the universe.

Water.

“What . . . ,” I stammered, “what do they want me to do with it?”

“The All-Wise Council wishes thee to get in.”

I stared at the turtles in shock. They wanted me to get into the water? The sadistic fiends!

Normally I would mean that as a compliment, but this was a torture I would not wish upon my worst enemies!

“The time is now, feline,” the braagnox said.

I gritted my teeth. To rule all of creation, I would do anything. Even this.

I walked to the water’s edge. After a moment of hesitation, I dipped a front claw in.

It was disgusting. Steeling myself, I stuck my entire paw in. On reflex, I instantly yanked it back out.

“Good enough?” I asked hopefully.

The braagnox shook her head no.

“Thou must dive in,” she said. “Completely.”

She could not be serious! Not since I first landed on Earth had I felt so repulsed. Nothing—not the nightmare of exile, the ignominy of apologizing to dogs, nor the humiliation of being bested by my enemies—could compare to this.

I looked to the All-Wise Council for a reprieve, but their reptilian faces were pitiless. I had no choice.

I held my breath and leaped.

Hideous, icy water filled my nose and ears, and my whiskers froze in revulsion. I couldn’t see—or breathe! My paws paddled wildly as I clawed my way back to the edge, spluttering and hissing.

But when I emerged from the black liquid, shivering and dripping wet, the turtles were nodding again—and I was more certain than ever of my victory.

CHAPTER 33

“Hey, Raj, what’s wrong?” Steve asked, as GAME OVER flashed on the screen. “You’re, like, really bad today.”

It was Saturday, and we’d met at the retro arcade. Usually I made it to the banana level in Ms. Pac-Man, but today I couldn’t even make it past strawberry. “I guess I’m, uh, distracted by my whole history project thing.”

What was really preoccupying me, though, was the thought that Klawde might never come home. But was it even possible? Could Klawde become the emperor of the universe? As a member of the Good Animals Group?

It sounded too insane to even worry about, but then again I’d just stayed up half the night fixing a feline android that had lit my trash can on fire.

“How about Space Invaders?” Steve said. “Maybe you’ll do better on a different game.”

“Why don’t you guys play pinball with me?” Cedar said.

“Did you use up your weekly allowance of screen time already?” Steve said. “You can tell your parents that these video games are so old, they don’t even count.”

“‘That’s not it,” she said. “Pinball is just more fun. Or how about air hockey?”

“Hey, look at the babies!”

I turned around and saw Scorpion. For once, Newt wasn’t with him. Did that mean she was at home working on our project?

It was doubtful.

“So which one of you losers wants to get destroyed at Frogger?” he said.

“That’s Raj’s best game!” Cedar said. “He’ll waste you.”

“Uh, I don’t know . . . ,” I said.

“I’ll bet you an ice cream,” Scorpion said. “A large.”

“But it’s ten thirty in the morning,” I said.

“What, are you scared?”

“No. I just haven’t had breakfast yet,” I said. “Do they even sell ice cream this early?”

Surprisingly, they did. And unfortunately, I wound up having to buy Scorpion a chocolate-vanilla twist in a waffle cone. As he ate his ice cream, he kept making fun of me for losing, and I started to wonder: If Klawde became emperor of everything, could he force Scorpion to be nice to me?

CHAPTER 34

Back in GAG’s room at the Infinitude Motel, I licked the awful liquid from my fur as Barx begged to know what had transpired inside the Temple of the Ages.

“I am forbidden on pain of death from revealing it,” I said. “But suffice it to say, no other candidate could have possibly performed as well as I.”

“If you can’t tell us what happened with the Council, maybe you can tell us a bedtime story instead,” Barx said. “Do know the one about the magic bone that grants three wishes?”

“Ooh! Or the one about the bowl that never runs out of food!” another of the mutts said.

As I began to consider mauling every canine in sight, a bunny burst through the door. “The torches have been lit and a flock of stitterbits released! The Council has reached a decision.”

A decision! I sprang to all fours and dashed out to join my fellow candidates on the Eternal Steps. The crowd below us panted with anticipation.

“Go, Ffangg kitty!” Zok shouted. “Zok root for you!”

The rest of AWESOME erupted in raucous cheers, while the GAG animals clapped politely and a rabbit waved a sign that said WE BELIEVE IN YOU, FRIEND KLAWDE!

When the braagnox came out, she held her scepter above her head.

“Hark, creatures of the universe!” she bellowed. “The All-Wise Council has spoken! It is time to learn who the next Emperor of the Universe will be.”

Every animal assembled held their breath.

“Q’bip!” the braagnox cried. “May the candidate from the Semi-Aquatic Rodents for Progress please step forward!”

The entire group of toothy vermin gave a roar of triumph. But what kind of outrage was this? The beaver had won? He was an even bigger fool than Barx!

The braagnox raised her scepter again for silence.

“Q’bip,” she said. “It will not be thee.”

I sighed with relief, and Ffangg snickered as the beaver trudged away, his buffoonish tail dragging along the ground.

One by one, the hopes of the others—the buffalo, the wolverine, the chipmunk—were all dashed, until only Ffangg and I remained on the steps.

“How very nice for you, Klawdie,” Ffangg hissed. “You came in second. The dogs and ogres will be so proud of you.”

“It is I who have won,” I hissed back. “Tell me, Ffangg, what is the punishment for failure in AWESOME these days? Will you be skewered like a chickellsprat and roasted upon a fire?”

But before he could answer, the braagnox raised the scepter. “And now,” she roared, “the next Emperor of the Universe will be . . .”

My whiskers twitched in anticipation. It would be me. It had to be me!

The entire crowd leaned forward, awaiting her words. But the braagnox faltered, and an uncomfortable expression came over her shaggy face.

“. . . will be one of these two felines,” she said. “Never has this happened before, but the All-Wise Council has declared a tie!”

A tie? How could this be?

The braagnox turned to us and shrugged. “The turtles have judged the two cats equal in all measures.”

This was a travesty! Those beady-eyed fools could not see the difference between Wyss-Kuzz the Magnificent and an underfed, sly-tongued wretch?

“Felines,” the braagnox said. “There is no need to hiss. The All-Wise Council, in its infinite wisdom, has offered a solution. There is only one good way to determine who is the better cat—and that is the way that cats have always decided such questions for themselves.”

“Do you mean . . . ,” I began, and then Ffangg joined in, “the Duel of the Branch?”

The braagnox nodded. Then the crowd roared and stamped so loudly, it felt as if the whole dead star was shaking again.

CHAPTER 35

I ran home from practice because it was Tuesday—taco night! As I turned down my street, I could swear I smelled the tortillas from a block away. But when I walked into the house, not only were there no tacos, there were no parents. Instead, there was a note on the counter.

Raj, your father and I went to a physics lecture. There’s mac and cheese in the fridge. Love, Mom

Oh well—mac and cheese was a pretty good consolation prize. As it warmed up in the microwave, the catdroid came galloping into the kitchen and jumped onto the countertop.

“Give me some of that,” it demanded.

“Ha,” I said as I took out the hot bowl. “You sound just like Klawde.”

I reached out to pet it, but the catdroid bared its teeth and arched its back. “Get your hairless spider-hands off me.”

I almost dropped my fork. “Klawde, is that you? You’re back!”

“I see your powers of observation are as keen as ever,” Klawde said. “Now give me some of that dairy-coated pasta.”

“Not before you apologize!” I said. “I can’t believe you left again. And that you tried to trick me with an android.”

“Oh, Raj, I am so sorry,” he said as sarcastically as possible, and then started eating out of my bowl.

I should’ve been more annoyed, but I was just happy to have him home.

“So if you’re back,” I said, “does this mean you’re not going to be the emperor of the universe?”

Klawde hissed. “It means nothing of the sort, ogre! It only means my coronation has been delayed. There is one final contest, and we have come back to Earth to train for it.”

“Wait—‘we’ have come back,” I said. “Who’s we?”

“The idiot canine came with me,” Klawde said between mouthfuls. “Unfortunately.”

I raced into the yard. “Barx?” I called. “Barx, are you here, boy?”

He came out from the bushes, his tail wagging like crazy. He jumped up and down and gave me slobbery licks.

“I told you I’d come back, Raj!” he said. “Got any tennis balls?”

“I sure do!” I said.

I’d forgotten how much fun it was to play fetch, and how high Barx could leap and twist.

“I’ve been working on my form,” Barx said, proudly dropping the ball at my feet.

I heard a hiss behind me.

“Stop this repulsive interspecies frolicking,” Klawde said. “It is time we commenced training. Now!”

“That doesn’t sound like a Good Animal attitude,” Barx said. “How about some paws-itivity? Get it? Like paws, because we both have them, and—”

“We get it,” Klawde and I both groaned.

I gave one last toss of the ball for Barx. He may have gotten even more awesome at fetch, but he still had the lamest sense of humor ever.

CHAPTER 36

Though I had hoped a speedy coronation would allow me to quit Earth for good, I was now resigned to spending another week in this miserable backwater. But there was a bright side to the otherwise infuriating delay: I now had the opportunity to defeat Ffangg once and for all.

Barx insisted that he could help me train for the Duel of the Branch, which was a ludicrous idea. Unless I wanted to learn how to drool, there was nothing that the golden-furred fool could teach me. But then it occurred to me that there was another way in which Barx could be useful.

“So how can I help you out, good buddy?” he said.

“Just stand there.”

“And?”

“And nothing,” I said. “You’re my scratching dummy.”

A concerned look came over the boy-ogre’s face. “Isn’t that going to hurt him?” he asked.

“Don’t worry,” Barx said. “Those little kitty claws can’t hurt me.”

“Scratching dummies don’t speak,” I said. Then I attacked.

Flying Razor Slash! Swing of the Five Knives! I landed blow after blow upon the beast’s sides, but his fur was so thick, he hardly noticed. He just stood there, panting and wagging.

Then I aimed a Hammer Claw at the canine’s snout.

“Hey, not the face, Klawde,” he said.

“Oh, no? How about THIS!” I landed a slashing Strike of the Lunar Paw right on his big wet nose.

The mutt’s cry of pain quickly morphed into a howl of fury. With a purr in my heart, I struck a strategic retreat and raced up a tree.

Barx followed close at my heels, barking his moronic head off as his blunt nails scratched at the bark.

“Hey, Barx!” the boy-ogre said. “Quiet down! No one’s supposed to know you’re here!”

Barx immediately sank down on his haunches. “Sorry, Raj,” he said meekly. “It’s like the Good Dog says, Sometimes instincts get the better of intentions.”

“Why don’t you guys take a break,” the Human said. “Barx, you want to play another round of fetch?”

“You betcha,” Barx said, wagging, and the two of them departed for another part of the yard.

I was grateful, as I realized that the mutt would be of little use except as a scratching post with a heartbeat. In the Duel of the Branch, I would be fighting a far superior creature—a cat—and one who was a master at Mew-Jytzu. To properly train, I needed a different sparring partner.

CHAPTER 37

I met Newt in the library during study hall, but our project was the last thing I wanted to think about. My warlord cat and space ranger dog were practicing alien martial arts back at my house. How cool was that?

Newt, on the other hand, was finally ready to focus. Which didn’t turn out to be a good thing.

I’d basically finished the slideshow, so all I really wanted was for her to go over what I’d done and say it was fine. But she got this disgusted look on her face as she flipped through the slides.

“This is so boring,” she said. “It needs more drama.”

“I think it’s good,” I said defensively.

“I know what would make it better,” she said, taking out her phone. “This!”

She opened an app called Movie Trailer Madness and started playing a video she’d made. It was a bunch of images of Napoleon that she’d downloaded from the internet, but with a lot of dramatic panning-and-scanning, and a soundtrack. Then came Newt’s voice-over, recorded with some kind of filter that made her sound grown-up and almost scary.

“IN A WORLD . . . where all hope is lost—where TERROR REIGNED—there was one man who refused to give up. He was shorter than the rest, but he had a BIG army . . . NAPOLEON!”

Special effects on the last image of Napoleon made it look like he was burning up, and then big 3-D letters appeared and spelled out his name.

“Pretty great, right?”

I was speechless. Because I realized that I was going to fail history class.

The bell rang. “Uh, let’s talk tomorrow,” I said, grabbing my stuff and rushing out.

Back home, Barx was sitting under the big oak in the backyard, staring up at the branches, his ears forward as leaves floated down around him. I heard a terrible yowl, and then something gray and furry came hurtling out of the tree. It landed on the grass with a thud.

“Klawde!” I yelled.

“Don’t worry, Raj,” Barx said. “It’s only the catdroid.”

“Hey, little ogre!” The voice of Flooffee came out of the X2 as it got up. The catdroid’s head was at a weird angle, and one leg looked broken. I knew the X2 was just a robot, but it still looked painful. After a few whirrs and spins, though, the X2 was as good as new.

“Well, here I go again,” Flooffee said, sighing as the catdroid clawed its way back up the tree.

“It’s been like this all day,” Barx said. “Flooffee can’t go two minutes without falling.” Then Barx called up to Klawde. “If Ffangg is as bad at Mew-woo-woo as Flooffee is, you’re as good as emperor already!”

Klawde’s head poked out of the leaves. “Ffangg is a Mew-Jytzu master,” he said. “He is nothing like this clumsy fool of a minion! Flooffee doesn’t fight like a warrior—he fights like a computer engineer.”

“But I am a computer engineer,” Flooffee said. “And I flunked Mew-Jytzu at the academy for a reason. If I’m not good enough, you should get yourself a different sparring partner, O Omnipotent Meanie!”

“Hey, guys,” I said. “What about me?”

“You?” Klawde said. “You are even bigger and clumsier than the spacemutt, and your hide is far too fragile.”

“No,” I said, “what if I operated the catdroid using the VQ headset? I bet Flooffee could write the code for that in two seconds. It’d be just like a game! You know how good I am at Ninja Combat Warrior.”

“Well, you can’t be any worse at Mew-Jytzu than Flooffee,” Klawde growled.

“That’s probably true,” Barx said. “No offense, Floof.”

“None taken!” Flooffee said. “I’d way rather be writing code than falling out of a tree.”

“Get on it, then,” Klawde said.

Barx turned to me, panting. “Sounds like we’ve got time for a game of fetch!”

CHAPTER 38

Once my minion successfully connected the VQ to the catdroid, the boy-ogre took over the X2’s controls. He proved himself surprisingly adept at both operating the catdroid and learning feline martial arts. Although I had once heard the mother-ogre call his video game habit “excessive” and “unproductive,” it had clearly taught him useful skills.

Shortly before the parental Humans returned from work, Barx and the catdroid went down to the bunker to hide. After a Restorative Nap, I, too, entered the bunker and waited for the boy-ogre to bring us sustenance.

“My parents are in the living room watching a show,” he said when he at last appeared. “So just keep your voices down, okay?”

The ogre cut a delectable grilled-cheese sandwich into triangles for me, then opened a can of the foul sludge the Humans call “cat food” for the canine. For some incomprehensible reason, Barx liked it.

I had just begun to instruct the ogre in the proper execution of a Flying Razor Slash when the impudent mutt interrupted.

“Look, it’s totally great to practice your Mew-woo-woo, but as the Good Dog says, The true battle is not in the bark or bite, but the brain. I really think I could help you beat Ffangg.”

I spat in disgust. “If you think the canine brain can help defeat a seasoned Mew-Jytzu warrior, then you are even more foolish than I thought!”

“Actually, Klawde, I think Barx has a point,” the boy-ogre said. “I mean, not to bring up a sore subject or anything, but the last time you guys fought, didn’t Ffangg win?”

I hissed. “That was pure luck.”

“Listen, good buddy,” Barx said. “You and Ffangg are both Mew-Jytzu masters. You’ve both ruled Lyttyrboks, you’ve both been exiled, and now you both want to rule the universe.”

“What cat doesn’t?” I spat.

“My point,” Barx said, “is that you’re too much alike. The All-Wise Council couldn’t decide between you for a reason. If you want to beat Ffangg, you have to do something different.”

“Silence, cur! You are speaking nonsense!”

But Barx was insistent. “If you can learn to think like a dog,” he said, “then you’ll know what Ffangg is thinking, but he’ll have no idea what you’re thinking.”

“Barx is right,” the boy-ogre said.

“Barx is a moron,” I said.

“Look,” Barx said, “just start by sniffing Ffangg’s—”

“NO!”

“That would certainly catch him off guard,” the boy-ogre said, nodding.

Barx also suggested that I lick Ffangg’s snout, which was almost as unthinkable. Then he told me to bite him on the tail.

“That is the first sensible thing you’ve said.”

“And after a good chomp,” the dog said, “run away as fast as you can while he chases you. It’s fun!”

“Attack and turn tail? Never!” I said. “Cats do not run. We leap! We strike! We pounce!”

“That’s exactly the problem,” Barx said. “Cats run fast to get away up a tree, but anything more than that and you start huffing and puffing. If you can build up your endurance, you can beat Ffangg.”

“Yeah!” the boy-ogre said. “That’s why our coach makes us run laps in basketball—to outlast the other team.”

As if getting advice from a canine weren’t bad enough, now the Human thought his ideas were worth my attention? This was too much.

I left the fools and took a Strategy Nap. I knew that I would never demean myself by trying to “think like a dog.”

But—stupid though the mutt and ogre were—perhaps they did have a point about physical fitness.

CHAPTER 39

It was so late by the time I got up on Sunday that my parents had already left for their weekly tennis match. I was tired from all that Mew-Jytzu, which was fun but exhausting. Even though I operated the catdroid virtually, I still had to perform the moves. Barx was also tired from playing his chasing game with Klawde. And hungry!

“Boy oh boy, this stuff is delicious!” Barx said, happily slurping up a can of Finicky Feast. “Is there more?”

“It is appalling the way you speak and eat at the same time,” Klawde said. “Your manners are even worse than an ogre’s.”

“I can’t help it!” Barx wagged his tail. “This is so good! I mean, my compliments to the chef!”

With a hiss, Klawde left the room.

I didn’t feel hungry at all—I just had a sick feeling in my stomach. My cat had a fifty-fifty chance of becoming Emperor of the Universe. While that would be awesome, I was afraid it meant that I’d no longer have a pet cat. I didn’t know where the ruler of the cosmos was supposed to live, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t in a basement in Oregon.

“Barx, do you think Klawde is going to win? I mean, for real?”

“Well, like the Good Dog says, We don’t know what the future holds. We just hope it includes a good bone.”

“But what if it’s an evil bone?” I asked. “I mean, if Klawde wins, do you think he’s going to keep acting good? I know he’s a member of GAG and everything, but spreading universal love doesn’t really seem like his thing.”

“All animals are capable of change, Raj. If Klawde says he’s turned good, then I believe him.” Barx panted happily for a moment. Then he turned serious. “But if I’m wrong, well, let’s just say that Klawde becoming Emperor is part of a larger plan.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, suddenly realizing what Barx was hinting at. “Was getting Klawde to join GAG part of the plan? Did you want him to become emperor?”

Barx’s tail began to wag. “I guess I’m not the only one here who can sniff things out.”

I was dying to ask him more, but Klawde came stomping into the kitchen, yelling something about “cargo.”

“What?”

“Where is the X2?” he demanded. “It’s not in the mutt’s ship.”

“Wait, you’re taking the X2?” I said. “Does that mean I get to come along inside of it? Virtually, I mean?”

Klawde flicked his tail. “Yes, ogre. It does. You are welcome.”

I couldn’t believe it—I was going to the Infinitude!

CHAPTER 40

Obviously, having a doppelgänger in the Infinitude could prove useful, as the members of AWESOME were now my sworn enemies. If I won the duel, they would no doubt attempt to assassinate me and install Ffangg as emperor; if I lost, they would attempt to assassinate me for the fun of it. Either way, having a stand-in to confuse them was an excellent idea.

By the time Barx piloted the craft past the Newellian Nebula, however, I had begun to regret allowing the boy-ogre access to the catdroid’s operating system, as he was unable to contain his wonder at being “inside” of a real spaceship.

“Hey, I just realized something,” the boy-ogre said. “Without the X2, my parents are going to wonder where you are, Klawde. What am I going to tell them?”

“That my location is none of their business,” I hissed.

And then, as if having the Human along wasn’t bad enough, we picked up another passenger.

Flooffee-Fyr.

“Thanks for the lift, guys,” my minion said. “Somehow Ffangg and Akorn forgot to come and get me. But, you know, I’m sure it was an honest mistake.”

“Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what it was,” I said.

“Whoa, is this a Furbugnian reactor?” Flooffee said when he saw Barx’s instrument panel. “I’ve heard about these!”

Barx’s tail wagged. “If you like that, check out this neutron battery—it connects to the antimatter conglomerator. It’s the latest in space travel technology!” Barx got up from the pilot’s seat. “Do you want to take a turn at the controls?”

“Do I?” Flooffee said excitedly.

With the lackey steering the ship, Barx turned to me. “Now, Klawde, I have a very special surprise for you.” He held up that wretched garment he’d knitted. “I made a little improvement to your sweater, good buddy!”

My eyes narrowed. “What is that strange and hideous symbol on the front?”

“I stitched it myself—it’s a peace sign!” Barx said as his tail swatted against the seat in mindless joy. “I learned about it on Earth, and I’ve made it the official symbol of GAG!”

“I am not putting that abomination on my body!”

Barx’s tail stopped wagging. “You know, Klawde, sometimes I’m not sure you’re really Good Animal material,” he said. “I sure would hate to see you get kicked out of GAG . . . and forfeit your duel thingy with Ffangg.”

I hissed. But I had no other option. I put on the sweater.

“That looks great on you, Klawde!” the boy-ogre said.

“Shut up, vile Human!” I hissed. “Minion! Fly this canine rust bucket as fast as it will go.”

“Sure thing, O Sweatered One,” Flooffee said. “Commencing hyperspeed!”

The instant I became emperor, I would find myself better—and less annoying—underlings.

CHAPTER 41

Riding in a canine spacecraft traveling a million times the speed of light was definitely one of the coolest things I had ever done—but in a weird way, it was also kind of boring. There was a lot of space in space, with long stretches of nothing to see. Plus we were still a whole day away from the Infinitude.

So I wasn’t sorry that I had to take off the VQ helmet and go to school. Well, not until I got to history class and had to deal with Newt, that is.

Since our presentations were tomorrow, Ms. McQuade gave us the whole period to work on them. When I opened our project, I saw that Newt had added a bunch of slides, but they were all about the guillotine, war, and Napoleon’s love life. And she’d deleted super-important stuff—like the dates.

“And how could you take out all three slides on the Napoleonic Code?” I said.

Newt pretended to fall asleep and then wake up. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say something about legal reform?”

“That’s like the most important thing Napoleon did,” I said. “It’s what teachers want us to know about.”

“Look, Raj, it’s a presentation,” Newt said. “If the whole class falls asleep, we’ll get a lousy grade.”

We kept arguing about what to keep and what to get rid of until we finally decided to split the presentation into two parts. That way we could each keep or take out whatever we wanted.

“I’ll do my part first,” I said. “Just can you please get rid of the movie trailer?”

“Oh, we are so keeping the trailer.” Then Newt went into movie voice. “IN A WORLD where Raj Banerjee gets a B-minus . . .”

I put on my headphones and went back to work.

The rest of the school day dragged, and when it was finally over, I ran home without waiting for Cedar and Steve. I really wanted to get back inside the spaceship! But Mom caught me in the kitchen, and she wanted to talk about my day.

“It was fine, Mom,” I said as I headed for the basement.

“Can you see if Klawde is down there?” she called. “He never came for his breakfast today.”

“Oh right,” I said. “I, uh, think he’s not feeling well.”

“It looks like he’s been losing weight, too,” Mom said. “Maybe we should take him to the vet.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine!” I called from halfway down the stairs.

When I put on the VQ helmet, I saw Barx steering the craft through a crazy-looking asteroid belt inside some kind of crystal cloud.

“Whoa, what’s this?”

“This, good buddy,” Barx said, “is the Infinitude.”

CHAPTER 42

After an unspeakably long and tedious journey, we finally arrived at our dead star destination. As the thrusters of Barx’s ship reversed for landing, I gazed in awe upon the future site of the Duel of the Branch: a tree so enormous that it dwarfed even the Temple of the Ages. It was truly the most majestic sight I had ever seen.

“Boy oh boy,” Barx said, madly wagging his tail. “I can’t wait to lift my leg on that!”

I nearly slashed the cur across the snout for his insolence. But I could hardly waste my time, not with Ffangg already sitting atop the Temple steps, soaking up glory. I needed to get there—now!

“Well, well, well, look who has finally arrived,” Ffangg said as I leaped up the final stair. Then he wrinkled his nose. “What is that I smell? Eau de Dog Breath? L’Essence d’Ogre?”

Before I could devastate him with my wit, that fool Q’bip stuck his head between us.

“Hey, fellers! I just wanted to wish you both good luck and no hard feelings!” the beaver said. “I hope you like the tree! Me and the other fellers from the union chomped it down for you. If you can’t beat ’em, cut a tree down for ’em, that’s what I always say!”

At that moment, the doors of the Temple of the Ages opened, and the braagnox stepped forth to thunderous applause from the crowd. Then the shaggy bear raised a giant paw above her head and cleared her throat.

“Greetings, citizens of the universe!” she began. “Once again we gather to choose our next emperor. But today there shall be no ties!”

The crowd roared its approval, and the braagnox had to pause before continuing.

“First, on behalf of the All-Wise Council, I would like to express gratitude to Q’bip and the rest of the Semi-Aquatic Rodents for Progress Party for delivering this tree all the way from the Omega Zone.”

The beaver slapped his fat tail on the ground, applauding himself.

“A tree is necessary,” the braagnox continued, “for according to ancient feline law, cats prove their superiority by the Duel of the Branch. Whoever suffers the Downfall loses; whoever remains in the tree shall become the 38,763rd Emperor of the Universe.”

I felt my fur stand on end. Limitless power was but a claw’s breadth away.

“Before all that, however,” the braagnox said, “please stand for the ‘Star-Spangled Cosmos,’ which today will be sung by the Crows of Black Hole 38C!”

Though I had little patience for such pomp and circumstance, the mutts had already begun to howl.

CHAPTER 43

If I’d thought the spaceship was cool, it was nothing compared to this.

Being here—wherever this was—was like being in some kind of enormous sci-fi zoo! Giant hovering platforms held pandas, raccoons, bison, wolverines, and rabbits, plus a lot of species I’d never seen before. Some I wasn’t sure we had on Earth—and some we definitely didn’t have on Earth. Like the one that just looked like a big rolling lump of slime.

“That’s a billilliggogg,” Flooffee said. “Great senses of humor, those guys.”

Barx had gone off to join his GAG mates, while Flooffee and I were trying to find the AWESOME platform. The place was so crowded, though, that it was hard to maneuver the catdroid through all the other space animals. Suddenly the deafening squawks of a thousand birds filled the air.

“That’s the ‘Star-Spangled Cosmos’!” Flooffee yelled.

Then I heard more yelling. This time it was my mom!

I took the VQ headphones off. “What?”

“Raj!” she was calling. “Breakfast!”

It was breakfast time already? Had I been up the entire night? I hadn’t even gone over my Napoleon presentation, and I had to give it this afternoon.

“Your oatmeal is getting cold,” Mom called.

“I’m not hungry!” I yelled back.

“Well, I sure am!” Flooffee said, not realizing I wasn’t talking to him. “Let’s hit that sprikkelbrat vendor over there.”

It wasn’t until the fireworks display that Flooffee finally found who he was looking for.

“There they are!” Flooffee said. “The Allied Warlords of Evil.”

I followed him up the steps to the platform and then froze in terror. “Who is that?” I whispered.

“Colonel Akorn! Adorable isn’t he? Vicious as a hornet, though.”

“No, not the squirrel,” I said. “That huge, terrifying monster with the teeth.”

“Oh, you mean Zok?” Flooffee said. “Yes, she is the most terrifying being in the universe. At least as far as I’ve met.”

The monster took a step toward me—who ever heard of a shark with legs?!—and I was so scared that I had to take the VQ off for a second, just to make sure that I was really still in the basement.

“Now remember your cover story,” Flooffee whispered to me. Then he spoke more loudly to the others. “Hey, fellow evil warlords! I made it here okay after all. I hope you guys weren’t too worried about me!”

I definitely did not get the feeling that anyone had been worried about Flooffee. Colonel Akorn, however, seemed concerned about me. “What is HE doing here?” the squirrel demanded.

For a moment, I was worried that my cover was blown, but then Flooffee butted in.

“This is Wyss-Zukk, one of Wyss-Kuzz’s littermates,” he said. “He really hates Wyss-Kuzz, you know, for hanging out with ogres, disgracing catkind by apologizing to dogs, and wearing sweaters and stuff.”

“What problem, kitty?” Zok said, towering above me. “Why you no talk for yourself?”

“He’s mute,” Flooffee said. “That means he can’t speak.”

“Zok know what mute means. Zok has excellent vocabulary.” Zok stood so close to Flooffee and was breathing so heavily that Flooffee’s fur blew out behind him.

“Sure you do,” Flooffee said nervously. “I mean—”

“Shhhh!” Akorn said. “It’s starting!”

I looked over at the tree and saw Klawde and Ffangg crouched near its base. Then a horn sounded, and they started climbing up the trunk. They were both really fast, and pretty soon they were way above the Temple roof.

“How dangerous is this?” I whispered to Flooffee. “I mean, I know cats can survive high falls, but those branches are really high.”

“You mean if they fell from up there?” Flooffee said. “That would kill them for sure!” He chomped some kind of deep-fried meat off his skewer. “Too bad you can’t try these sprikkelbrats, because they are de-lish!”

CHAPTER 44

The moment the braagnox gave the sign, Ffangg and I sprang at each other’s throats. I performed a perfect Reverse-Slash of the Five Razors, while he led with a Forward-Slash of the same. We missed each other by the width of a single whisker.

I could tell that my nemesis had also been training. He was faster and more ferocious than I had ever seen him. But I would not let him defeat me again.

I feinted left, and then leaped toward my enemy. Ffangg dodged, hissing, and I shot past him, only to collide with the tree trunk. My balance faltered, and I scraped at the bark as I slid. My back paws dangled in the air as I hung on by my clawtips.

“That looks uncomfortable, old friend,” Ffangg called as he slunk along the branch toward me.

The cheers of AWESOME grew deafening.

“Are your paws starting to cramp?” he said, purring. “Did you neglect your claw exercises?”

As he went to swipe at me, I let go of the branch. Twisting in midair, I landed on a lower branch in a perfect crouch. Ffangg jumped down to meet me, and our front paws clashed in simultaneous Lunar Paw strikes. Then he sank into Coiled Spring, as I knew he would. I countered by jumping to a higher branch.

“Hopping to a higher perch like a little birdie, are we?” Ffangg called. “I knew that’s what you would do!”

Just as I had known he would lamely taunt me.

I was about to fling myself down upon his back when it struck me: As unbelievable as it seemed, the canine and the ogre were right. Ffangg and I were too much alike. If I knew where I was aiming, so did my enemy.

It was time for a change in strategy, even if that strategy went against everything I believed in and held dear.

I paused for a moment to summon the will to—hack hack—think like a dog.

Ffangg smirked. “Everything all right up there, Klaw—”

Before he could even finish his sentence, I jumped down and landed right in front of him. As he stared at me in surprise, I lunged forward and licked his nose.

Ffangg drew back in horror, his movement so sudden he nearly lost his balance. I wished I could bathe my tongue in acid after what I had done, but the action had had its desired effect. I approached again, and licked him again.

There was no mistaking the jeering from the ranks of AWESOME—yet I could also hear a howl of approval.

“That is disgusting,” Ffangg spat. “You have spent so much time with the canines that you have become one!”

“Better a dog than a cross-eyed alley cat!” I didn’t mean it, of course—dogs are disgusting—but I knew it would shock him still more.

Before Ffangg could get out his next insult, I performed a Mega-Triple Helix over his head, landing behind him. I opened my jaws wide, bit him on the tail as hard as I could, and ran.

He roared in rage as he began to chase me. I jumped from branch to branch, never stopping. I was a glorious blur of speed! It was as if the wind and I were one!

My enemy followed, close upon my heels. But soon I could hear him breathing harder, and I knew that he would not be close for long.

CHAPTER 45

“Look. Kitty runs,” Zok said. “Ha. Ha.”

“He calls himself a warlord!” said Akorn. “What a fraud!”

Klawde was racing straight up the tree, with Ffangg furiously trying to chase him down.

“That Klawde sure is a disgrace to warlords everywhere!” Flooffee said. “Good thing we kicked him out of the club, right, guys?”

Then he gave me this huge wink that anyone could have seen. He was a seriously terrible actor.

Meanwhile, Klawde was zipping all over the massive tree, leaping from branch to branch, and it didn’t look like he was getting tired at all. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes: Klawde was actually taking our advice. He was trying to wear Ffangg out—and it was working!

I looked over toward GAG and caught Barx’s eye. He winked at me, and then he started a howling cheer. The other dogs took it up, and it was so loud that I almost didn’t hear my phone.

DING!

DING!

DING!

I ignored it. I mean, my cat was in a ginormous outer space tree being chased by his mortal enemy—what did I care about text messages?

DING!

DING!

DING!

They just wouldn’t stop, and I decided I’d better see who it was. What if Mom or Dad had gotten into an accident or something? I took off my headset and looked at the screen.

NEWT

RAJ! Where are?

RAJ! Why are u NOT AT SCHOOL?

HELLO??

RAJ!!!

OUR PRESENTATION IS TODAY!!!!

I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10:13. How did it get so late? I’d already missed the first three periods!

This was not good—I really needed to go. But how could I? What would happen in the duel while I was gone? And, if you really thought about it, I was already late, and it wasn’t like I was going to get marked later. All that mattered was that I got there for history, which was last period.

I texted Newt that I was sick but not to worry, that I’d be there in plenty of time for our presentation. Then I put the headset on again and was immediately back in the Infinitude.

I could see that Ffangg was completely exhausted. He had stopped running and was sitting on a branch near the crown of the tree, gasping for air. All of a sudden, Klawde came flying out of nowhere and swiped Ffangg’s front legs out from under him.

The crowd gasped as Ffangg went headfirst over the side of the branch. He managed to grasp onto its underside, but there was no way he could hang on for long. Letting out a yowl of fury and fear, he desperately tried to pull himself up—and failed.

Instead, he lost his grip and began to fall!

“Oh boy, he is not going to walk away from this one,” Flooffee said. “Hey, vendor! You got any more of those sprikkelbrats?”

CHAPTER 46

The instant my enemy began to plummet to his doom, something shocking happened. Something horrifying. At the last possible second, he was saved.

By—I could hardly believe it—me.

Without even meaning to, indeed, as if by instinct, I found myself catching Ffangg’s tail in my mouth and pulling him back up to the safety of the branch.

I spat out a mouthful of his fur.

“Why did you do that?” Ffangg hissed.

I had no idea—and I was horrified. Had Barx’s talk of justice and kindness somehow gotten to me?

“You’re welcome for saving your life,” I said, as if I had done it on purpose. “I wanted you to . . . to witness my ultimate victory. Yes!”

Ffangg’s ears flattened back. “First you beat me, and then you humiliate me by saving my life?”

Believe me, I regretted it already.

“Either you are taking your cruelty and sadism to a new level,” Ffangg said, “or else the opposite is true.” He flicked his tail derisively. “Perhaps it is as the canine believes: You have actually become a good animal!”

I wanted to scratch his eyes out for the very suggestion, except that suddenly I was surrounded by Barx and the other simpering cretins of GAG, who had floated up on their hover-platform and were now swarming the tree.

“You did it, you did it!” that mouthwatering little GAG mouse said. “And you really aren’t evil!”

“Klawde’s our hero!” cried Flopp’Z.

“I told you he was an animal of goodness and sincerity,” Barx said. “I think maybe that peace sign is rubbing off on you, huh, buddy?”

I wanted to eat two of them, scratch the eyes out of the third, and push Ffangg back off the branch. But then it struck me. Who cared if they thought I was a changed cat?

I was about to be crowned Emperor of the Universe!

The torches were lit and the flock of stitterbits released from the Temple, signaling that a new emperor had been chosen. Even though I had never doubted my eventual triumph, I could hardly believe that it was actually happening. As the stitterbits disappeared into the clouds, the braagnox strode to the top of the steps to make the announcement.

“ALL HAIL THE NEW EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! ALL HAIL FFANGG!”

“What are you talking about, you stupid bear?!” I shouted. “I won!”

The braagnox blinked up at me. “Oh, thou art not Ffangg? Thou art the other one?” she said. “Boy, I really can’t tell you two cats apart. Oh well, the new emperor is Klawde. All hail.”

“ALL HAIL THE NEW EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! ALL HAIL KLAWDE!”

CHAPTER 47

My heart was pounding as I sprinted to school—not just because I was running so fast, but because my cat had won the Duel of the Branch. He was going to be emperor!

Oh, and also because I was really, really late.

“Mr. Banerjee,” Ms. McQuade said as I burst into the room. “How kind of you to join us for your presentation.”

The lights were off, our first slide was up on the screen, and even in the dark I could tell that Newt was shooting daggers at me with her eyes. “Sorry,” I gasped.

“Wow, that must be a really bad fever you have, Raj,” she said. “You’re dripping with sweat.”

“Yeah,” I said, taking the clicker from her. “Totally.” I could hardly catch my breath, but I had to start my section of the presentation anyway. “So, Napoleon was born . . . um,” I began. Then I had to turn around and look at the slide, because suddenly I couldn’t remember a thing. “Napoleon was born in 1769, on the island of Corsica.”

It wasn’t a great start, but by the time I got to Napoleon becoming a general, I was delivering my lines just like I’d practiced. And I was doing pretty good. Ms. McQuade nodded along with everything I said, and the other kids seemed to be following me, too.

By the time I got to the end of my part, however, I noticed that Trevor’s eyes were closed and his mouth had fallen open. Brody looked like he was asleep, too. Maybe I should have taken out those slides about Napoleon and the metric system.

“So, that’s what I’ve got,” I said. “Now, um, it’s Newt’s turn.”

I handed her the clicker. She had a big smile on her face as she pressed it.

“IN A WORLD . . .”

Immediately, Trevor and Brody sat up. And everyone else in the room leaned forward and started paying attention—including Ms. McQuade. And they kept paying attention even after the trailer, when Newt talked about how Napoleon married Josephine, and how he threw big parties when he was exiled on Elba, and a bunch of other junk I hadn’t thought mattered. It was pretty interesting after all, I had to admit.

After Newt finished, we did questions-and-answers, and then everyone clapped for us.

“That was a very nice job, you two. You informed and entertained us,” Ms. McQuade said. “Excellent teamwork and collaboration.”

“Hey, you want to get that slice of pizza finally?” Newt asked as we went into the hall after class. “To celebrate?”

But I was already starting to run.

“I have to take a rain check on that,” I called back to her. “There’s someplace I’ve really got to be!”

CHAPTER 48

Everything between the announcement of my victory to the coronation ceremony was a whirlwind. First, Q’bip and his fellow beavers festooned the Infinitude in celebratory banners; then ten thousand species of birds sang “Ode to the Emperor”; and finally the sky was lit horizon-to-horizon by a meteor shower spelling out my name.

That was a nice touch.

After these amusements, the crowd again converged upon the Eternal Steps. The braagnox came forward to read the Universal Code of Good Conduct, which apparently explained the rules that the Emperor was supposed to follow. Naturally, I paid no attention. Rules were for lackeys, not lords of all living matter.

This done, it was at last time for me to ascend the steps to claim the Imperial Scepter. Oh joy of joys!

My figure was dashing, my countenance majestic. Admittedly, I would have looked better without the sweater, but soon I would outlaw all knitted items, if not clothing in general. But even so, had any lord of the universe ever been so handsome, so regal, so imperial as I?

Obviously not.

And I knew this to be true. Because I was watching myself.

Or rather—to be precise—I was watching the X2. For, moments ago, we had swapped places, and now it was he who wore the sweater, while I stood next to Flooffee and the other members of AWESOME, playing the part of the mute but handsome Wyss-Zukk! Little did my enemies know that they were mere inches away from their new lord and emperor.

Admittedly, it was disappointing not to personally stand upon the Eternal Steps, basking in the glorious adoration of the animal multitudes. But I knew Ffangg and the other warlords would never simply sit around and watch me become emperor.

Indeed, as the ceremony progressed, Akorn, Ffangg, and Zok were in constant whispering consultation.

I approached them. I had always enjoyed the art of disguise, and my time masquerading as an Earth cat had only honed my already considerable skills.

“So, cooking up a sinister plot?” I asked casually. “Don’t keep it to yourselves. Let others in on the fun.”

“Go start your own conspiracy,” Ffangg hissed. “This one has quite enough members.”

He barely glanced in my direction. Akorn, on the other paw, gave me a cold and beady-eyed stare.

“Flooffee told us you couldn’t talk,” the squirrel commander said.

“I am breaking my silence because I cannot bear to see that Wyss-Kuzz be crowned!” I said. “Of course, he is magnificent, brilliant, and the best leader Lyttyrboks ever had. But why should he get to become emperor, too?”

“It doesn’t sound like you hate him as much as we heard,” Ffangg said, now also eyeing me suspiciously. “We were told that you considered him a disgrace to your entire line. And to all of catdom, for that matter, for his disgusting apology to the canines of the Dog Star Cluster.”

“Why . . . yes, that would be appalling, if it were actually true,” I said. “But don’t you think that Wyss-Kuzz was just pretending to apologize to gain the upper paw? He always was so good at lying.”

Ffangg, Akorn, and Zok looked at one another.

“Do you know what Wyss-Kuzz was never good at, my fellow warlords?” Ffangg said, unsheathing his claws.

“What that, Ffangg?” Zok said.

“Spying.”

Akorn’s eyes went wide in realization as his tiny paws scrabbled for a weapon. An instant later, he was aiming a pneumatic nut rocket right at my nose.

“This is the part where you beg for your miserable life, Klawde,” Ffangg said.

“Yeah, beg, little kitty!” Zok said. “Zok like begging.”

The fiends of AWESOME encircled me. I was trapped. So I did the single most defiant thing I could think of.

I purred.

“I will never beg!” I said. “Do your worst, Akorn!”

“With pleasure,” he chittered. “Say goodbye, Klawde!”

He sure was cute—even when he was about to disintegrate me.

CHAPTER 49

I got home just in time for the coronation ceremony. It was so insane! And nerve-racking. Me, being crowned Emperor of the Universe! I mean, I was actually just standing in our basement wearing the VQ helmet and controlling a catdroid, but it was still the best Thursday ever.

The braagnox gave a long speech about how great the responsibility of the Imperial Scepter was, and how the most important duty the new emperor had was to listen to his or her constituents. I wondered if Klawde was paying attention, because it didn’t sound like emperors had quite as much power as he thought they did.

It did make me feel better that Klawde wasn’t going to be able to enslave the entire universe or anything. But seeing all these species from millions of light-years away made me understand just how real this was. And I got super sad. Because as cool as this was for me—I mean, for Klawde—it also meant that my cat was never coming home.

“Code red, Little Ogre! Code red! Can you hear me?”

It was Flooffee, his voice coming directly into the VQ’s headphones.

“Mighty Lion has been compromised. The Evil Warlords have made their move. Engage X2 weapons system. I repeat, engage X2 weapons system!”

Mighty Lion was Klawde’s code name. But the warlords were supposed to be coming after me, not him!

I scanned the crowd and spotted Zok immediately. Using the X2’s advanced optics, I zoomed in, and I gasped when I saw Klawde. He was surrounded by all three of them—Zok, Ffangg, and Akorn. Gosh, Akorn really was adorable. But wait—was he holding some kind of gun? And pointing it right at Klawde?

ZAP!

I fired the X2’s laser eyes, and Akorn’s weapon evaporated.

Cool!

But what was Zok doing? She was opening her jaws and—oh no, how many teeth did she have?

And then I realized what the ground shark was going to do.

She was going to eat my cat!

CHAPTER 50

“Little toy guns big waste of time,” Zok said. “Zok hungry. Zok want feline for dinner!”

Staring into the mouth of Zok and all 794 of her razor teeth sent a shiver up my tail. But I was not destined to die as shark food. At least, not without a fight!

As the monstrous Zok lunged at me, I jumped skyward. SNAP! went her mighty jaws, but they bit only air as I landed atop her snout.

“Bad kitty!” the beast said, her eyes crossing as she focused on me. “Zok see you!”

“Not for long!” I said, and with a mighty Scissor Cut, I slashed at both of her eyes.

The shark roared and thrashed her head, trying to crush me with her teeth. SNAP SNAP SNAP! But I held on to her snout for dear life. Then, with a mighty buck, she shook my claws loose, flipped me into the air, and

CRUNCH!

Zok’s jaws slammed down upon a feline form.

Thankfully, it was not mine. The ogre had saved me again—this time by shoving me out of the way and flying the catdroid directly into the maw of the great beast!

With one mighty chomp, Zok bit my doppelgänger in half. It looked painful. For Zok, that is. She was spitting out bits of android parts and choking.

“That serves you right, you traitorous monstrosity!” I said. “Now bow down before your—”

“Not so fast, Klawdie,” Ffangg said as he and the rest of AWESOME closed in on me. “You don’t have your doppelgänger to protect you anymore.”

But Ffangg’s words were drowned out by the sound of growling. A lot of growling.

Barx! And the other space ranger dogs. They had formed a snarling ring around us. (A few bunnies and mice had stepped up, too, but they were decidedly less intimidating.)

“Ffangg—Zok—Akorn! You are under arrest,” Barx said. “For so many reasons.”

CHAPTER 51

The last thing I saw through the eyes of the catdroid was the inside of Zok’s mouth. That was a sight I’d never forget. Then the VQ screen went blank.

I kept rebooting, trying to get the transmission back, but the X2 was probably deep in the shark’s stomach. But what about Klawde? What had happened to him?

Thankfully, the VQ still had a direct link to Flooffee. “Little Ogre to Best Pal!” I repeated over and over. “Come in! Come in!” Finally, he answered.

“What happened?” I asked. “Is Klawde okay?”

“All good here, Little Ogre,” Flooffee said. “Mighty Lion is safe and sound.”

“Can I talk to him?” I said. “I want to say congratulations—and goodbye.”

“Well, he’s a little busy right now, what with getting the keys to the universe and all. But Barx wants to talk to you!”

“Hey, Raj, that sure was some AWESOME work you did back there,” Barx said. “Get it, AWESOME? Because that’s the name of the evil warlords group.”

“Yeah, Barx, I get it.” The lump in my throat made it hard to say anything else.

All the next day, I was totally bummed. I mean, Klawde didn’t die, and now he ruled all matter and stuff, so that was great. But I missed him already, and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to see him again. That night I couldn’t even eat my dinner. I just kept picking at it with a fork.

“What’s wrong, son?” Dad said. “I thought you’d be on top of the world with that big history project finally out of the way.”

I shrugged, pushing my rice to the other side of the plate.

“Are you worried about Klawde being sick?” Mom said. “If he’s not feeling better tomorrow morning, we’ll take him to the vet.”

What was I supposed to tell them? I’d said that Klawde had been hiding in a box in the basement for days, but now I had to admit the truth. Well, not the truth, because they’d never believe that. But I had to figure out some way to tell them that Klawde was gone, and that he was never coming home again.

Then my phone rang.

SUPREMEST ALL-POWERFUL WARLORD

“Mom! Dad! I gotta take this!” I said, running down into the basement.

“Klawde!” I said. “You called to say goodbye!”

“Please refer to me as Lord of All Living Matter,” Klawde said. “And no, you are wrong. I called to tell you I am on my way home. To your home.”

“My home?” I said. “You mean you’re coming here? To Earth?”

“Yes, ogre,” he said. “To Earth.”

“But why? Don’t you have to rule the universe from the Infinitude or whatever?” I said. “And don’t you hate Earth?”

“I don’t hate Earth, Raj,” Klawde said. “Stupid and ugly though you ogres are, I have come to value your, uh . . . kindness . . . and . . . hospitality. And I like the, um, lovely one moon your planet has. Yes, that’s why.”

For a moment, I couldn’t hear anything except static. Or was that choking? “Are you still there, Klawde?”

“Yes, just some stellar interference with the signal. Where was I? Ah yes. You, Raj, fought so bravely this day that I have decided to reward you by making Earth—or to be more precise, your fortress—the capital of the universe.”

This was so crazy! “Wait, so—”

“Do not ruin this moment by speaking!” he said. “I will return shortly. Be sure to have many cheese products prepared for my homecoming.”

And with that, the call was over. I was shocked. My cat was going to rule the universe—from my house! I really did have the best pet ever.

CHAPTER 52

As I could not bear whatever insipidness the boy-ogre was about to relate, I hung up on him. There was more than enough insipidness to be had aboard Barx’s ship.

“Wait, you can tell I got an A-plus in thermonuclear physics in kittygarten just by sniffing my butt?” Flooffee said. “That’s amazing!”

“It’s not amazing,” Barx said. “That’s just the wonder of the canine nose!”

Why this ship did not come equipped with an eject button, I did not know.

While I valued the boy-ogre’s efforts in saving me, this fact—and every other reason I’d given him—had nothing to do with my decision to return to his planet. I had decided to establish the imperial throne there not because I didn’t still loathe Earth—I did, intensely—but because it was the only place I was sure to be safe from AWESOME’s revenge.

Barx and his fellow space rangers had sent them to the prison planet of Ham-Sturr. But I knew that hellish place of work wheels and spherical plastic jails could not hold them for long.

And so, for my first imperial act, I had declared the Milky Way an Intergalactic Wilderness Preserve. I charged Barx with re-erecting his force field around the galaxy, and giving me the one and only code to unlock it. This would keep my enemies at bay, and Barx from coming to Earth to bother me.

All in all, it had been the greatest day any feline had ever had. And now came the best part: saying goodbye to that miserable canine.

“We’re just clear of the Infinitude now, Chief,” the mutt said. “You can catch the wormhole back to Earth, and it’ll close the minute you’re through it!”

“Well, Barx, I would like to say that it has been nice knowing you, but it has not,” I said. “Goodbye. Forever!”

“Forever is an awfully long time,” Barx said with a wag. “I have a feeling we’ll be seeing each other a little sooner than you think!”

Before I could wonder what he meant by that, Flooffee rubbed against me in a disgusting display of affection, getting his appallingly long fur up my nose.

“Masterfullest, it was so great to be back together again!”

“Yes, so great,” I said. “Now where are the controls for the teleporter?”

“The button’s right here, O Splendidest,” my minion said, pointing. “But first I just want to say that I—”

I pressed the button and was gone!

Mere milliseconds later, I was back on hideous, glorious Earth.

Let my evil reign begin!

TO BE CONTINUED

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Although a worthless Human, Johnny Marciano has redeemed himself somewhat by chronicling the glorious adventures of Klawde, Evil Alien Warlord Cat. His lesser work concerns the pointless doings of other worthless Humans, in books such as The Witches of Benevento, The No-Good Nine, and Madeline at the White House. He currently resides on the planet New Jersey.

Emily Chenoweth is a despicable Human living in Portland, Oregon, where the foul liquid known as rain falls approximately 140 days a year. Under the top secret alias Emily Raymond, she has collaborated with James Patterson on numerous best-selling books. There are three other useless Humans in her family, and two extremely ignorant Earth cats.

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