Girl Over the Edge

By Amy L. Kinzer

Copyright 2011 Amy L. Kinzer

This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, except brief quotes used in reviews.

Editing provided by Everything Indie.

For anyone standing too close to the edge.

Chapter One

I like to close my eyes and picture myself in a different life. One where no one’s seen the photos and everything is just the way I always pictured it. Kale and I are still together. All the years of dance paid off and I’m captain of the cheerleaders. My best friend Chloe is five pounds heavier and she smiles. My parents still talk to me.

But that’s not the way things are now. Instead Chloe and I are sitting on the pedestrian walkway of Suicide Bridge with our legs dangling over the side. It’s our last day of freedom before we head back to the state penitentiary of higher learning. That’s if the school board allows us to return. Getting back into North Lake High is one giant question mark.

A sailboat passes beneath the bridge. One of those boats only people who live on Mercer Island can afford. There’s a girl sitting on the bow wearing Hollywood sunglasses. Her family looks like a Nautica ad. I can’t imagine how different her life must be from my own.

“Do you ever think of what it would be like?” Chloe asks.

“What?” The perfect family sails farther away. They turn into little ants – specks of dirt – a distant memory I’ll never think of again.

“What it’s like to jump.”

I turn my attention away from the sailboat and look over the edge of the bridge towards the water.  The wind makes ripples in the lake. The ripples catch the sun and turn them into diamonds. The diamonds make me squint.

“No, I don’t think of jumping. I’ve never thought of it.”

Chloe stands up and I stretch my legs to join her. I can’t wait to go home. Mom said she’d take me to the mall for new jeans. We’re meeting with Principal Davis tomorrow and the summer is almost over. My whole body is in knots at the prospect of returning to North Lake High. The senior year of suck is waiting for me. Not something I want to miss.

But we’re not leaving. Instead Chloe leans over and swings her leg over the rail.

“What are you doing?”

I startle her, like she forgot I was there. For a moment I think she’ll lose her grip and slip off the side and fall to the cement below. We’re not over the water. If we were over the water then at least she’d have a chance.

“Just seeing what it’s like.”

I get up but my legs are like Jell-O. I grab the rail to just hold myself up.

“Get back over here!” I barely recognize my own voice.

Chloe swings her other leg over the side and stands on the ledge. Chloe’s always so sure of herself. Never scared of anything. But this time is different. She looks down below and grips the rail so tight that her knuckles turn white. Her skin is so taut that it looks like her bones will rip through her skin.

“I think it’s like flying. If you wanted to jump, it would make your last moments worth it.”

She leans back and her arms stretch as far as they will go. The tips of her fingers turn red with strain. I hear a car stop behind us. I’m too scared to turn around. If I turn around Chloe will let go of the rail and she’ll disappear for good.

“Chloe! You’re crazy. People can see you! Get back over here before someone calls the cops.” My voice is a whisper. But it’s harsh. I want her to know I’m serious.

I hear a car door open behind me. Footsteps. No words though. I want the person behind us to speak or go away.

“Chloe… please…” I take a step closer. She moves a few inches back.

“Miss? Is everything okay? You shouldn’t be over there. If you fall it will…”

I look over my shoulder. It’s a guy in a shitty old car with a Dominoes pizza sign on top. He’s got a face full of zits. He’s definitely not the guy who’ll be able to talk Chloe back to the safe side of the bridge.

“I’m – ” she looks down and it’s like she realizes how high she is for the very first time. “I… I just wanted to see what it’s like.” She pulls herself back and swings a leg back over to the safe side, and then the other.

Back to the side of the living.

Maybe pizza boy isn’t so bad after all.

“Shit, lady. Are you crazy? I thought I was going to have to call the cops.”

Chloe shakes her head with a smile. But her skin is green, like an alien. “It’s nothing. I just wanted to check it out. Nothing happened.”

“Well…” I can tell he doesn’t know what to say. Cars zoom by, minding their own business. The day moves along. It’s like when a tree falls in the forest and no one hears a thing. The whole thing with Chloe never really happened. “I’ve got a pizza in my car.” He looks back and forth between the two of us. “Do you want me to call someone for you? Maybe you should talk to somebody.”

“No, everything is okay. We’re just leaving anyway. School’s starting and all…”

“Hey, I know you.” Recognition dawns on his face. Now that I look closer at him, he looks kind of familiar. “You go to North Lake, don’t you?”

Chloe hesitates. It’s like she recognizes him too. “Yeah…”

“I…” I can tell he’s not sure if he should say it. But he’s one of those guys who are missing his filter. “I saw those pictures. You know… it’s not a reason to jump.”

Chloe starts to shake. Her whole body vibrates. “I wouldn’t jump because of that. I wasn’t going to jump. I was just looking.”

Pizza guy can’t decide if he wants to leave or stay. After a minute the pizza getting cold in the car wins out. “Okay, I’ve got a delivery to make…” He hesitates one last time. “You don’t have to do something so drastic. I bet everybody already forgot about the pictures.” When neither one of us says anything, he turns back to his pizza delivery mobile.

I’m scared to look at Chloe. Instead I watch pizza guy hurry back to his car. It’s like he can’t get away from us fast enough. Once he’s gone, Chloe starts down the sidewalk, back towards where we parked. Her chest is shaking and she chokes out a few sobs. I follow behind in silence.

Chapter Two

I’m waiting for my sentencing from the school board, sitting between my parents who’d rather be anywhere else. Add on a best friend who wants to jump from a bridge and you get a pretty good idea of what I have to look forward to senior year.

And I shouldn’t have worn a skirt. Principal Davis’ office is a mortuary, all frozen and sterile. And he’s totally late for his appointment with us. I press my knees together and twist one ankle over the other. Goosebumps spread up and down my legs. My legs are grey and prickly under the florescent lighting and air conditioning. The Freon filled air can kill you if you sit inside too long. It sucks the life out of you.

Chloe’s sitting across the room with her mom dressed in her new good-girl uniform of khaki pants and a white blouse. The nose ring is gone and so is the pink stripe in her hair. Her legs are like chicken legs covered in beige material. She keeps trying to get my attention but I pretend to be looking out the window. It was Chloe’s idea to go to the party that got us here after all.

Not many people can point to the exact moment in time, the exact mistake they made that took them from the top of the ladder and dropped them down all the way to the bottom rung.

For me it was at Josh Hansen’s party. Josh came home from his freshman year at WSU and his parents went to Cabo San Lucas, leaving Josh at home in a five-bedroom house and the closest neighbors almost a mile away.

Chloe talked me into sneaking out of my bedroom window to go to the party because college guys would be there and somehow that made the party so much better. The only reason I went was because Chloe’s parents were fighting and I knew she wanted to get out of the house. But college parties when you’re in high school never end well. Everyone knows that.

There was a beer bong and Josh raided his mom’s medicine cabinet. Someone brought a camera and took pictures.

I was in just one of the photos. But Chloe had more to drink than me. And she was going through this phase where she was desperate for attention. I knew it was because Josh broke up with her the year before and he totally ignored her at the party. Plus, her parents are a total disaster.

Everyone at North Lake saw the photos. Including Principal Davis. It’s totally gross if you really think about it. And now I’d do anything to walk into a wormhole and slip into another dimension.

I tug my skirt down and shift my weight. Outside the window the football team takes the field. The North Lake’s Blue Devils are getting ready to conquer the state championship! The cheer squad practices on the sidelines. Their chants drift into the morgue. On the other side of the brick wall is a totally normal world. The mantra of school spirit is the only sound in the room.

I squint my eyes, searching for my ex-boyfriend, Kale Fenton, in the sea of blue and white testosterone. Not that it matters what he’s doing. He hasn’t spoken to me in three months.

Dad’s parked on my left wearing his I’m-the-most-important-person-in-the-room business suit. He checks his watch and sighs, causing Mom’s back to stiffen. She reaches over and touches my knee and I fight the urge to scoot to the edge of my seat to get away.

The door swings open and Principal Davis enters the room. He’s dressed in white pants and a blue V-neck sweater. It’s a cross between too much school spirit and the country club.

“I’m glad everyone could make it. We have a lot to discuss.”

Dad sighs and Mom touches his shoulder. I wish I were anywhere other than next to two people who wonder where in their parental lives they messed up.

Principal Davis takes a seat at his throne on the opposite side of his desk. “I have great news for the two of you!” He claps his hands together and gives Chloe and I a Cheshire cat smile. “The school board ruled that you two girls can return to school!”

His eyes fall on Chloe and stay a few seconds longer than necessary. My skin prickles like maggots are crawling all over my body.

Dad looks relieved. “That’s great. It is why we pay our taxes, after all. And…” he checks his watch for like the hundredth time, “I need to get back to work, so let’s wrap this thing up.”

Mom’s body stiffens.

“Well, everyone has someplace to be. Let’s just get started.” Principal Davis looks around the room, giving each of us a stern expression. “The photos that were passed around the student body are not fitting in character for the North Lake Blue Devils. They were in violation of school conduct. If it happens again we’ll call the police and have them deal with the situation.” Principal Davis gives our parents a look like he’s doing them some sort of super big favor. “We’re going to have the girls come and join us for the first day of class Monday.”

Chloe’s mom’s face is awash in relief. I’m pretty sure the last thing she wants is to deal with Chloe being expelled from school. “Great, you mean Chloe can start senior year with the rest of the class?”

“Yes, Mrs. Baker, Chloe can come to class on Monday. I have to warn you though that these two young ladies aren’t going to be the most popular girls at school. We’ve suspended seven football players for one game for forwarding the photos around school.”

I cringe. North Lake’s football team has a shot at making the state championship. Like things weren’t bad enough already.

Dad stands up. “Wonderful! Everyone pays for their punishment and moves forward. That’s all we were really looking for. This is Beckett’s senior year and North Lake is the best school in the city. We just want her to be able to finish out her senior year like nothing happened.”

Like nothing happened. That’s easy for him to say. I spent a whole summer working at a coffee shop because I didn’t have anything better to do. No party invites, Kale broke up with me, I was kicked off the cheerleading squad. Going back to school is like jumping into a big old bowl of cherries.

Chloe’s mom sits silently across from us, mesmerized by the symbols of law and school leadership that hang from the walls, like the plaques can make the last year disappear and go away.

Principal Davis claps his hands together and I jump. He gives us a broad smile, but his eyes are on Chloe’s chest. She crosses her arms in front of herself and glares.

Chapter Three

It started with glue.

And then it was Blue Ribbon Beer that you can buy if you stand outside 7-11 wearing short cutoffs that they show the crease in your thighs.

I thought it was just a phase, but then she started sneaking out of the house to go to parties. The guys who threw the parties didn’t go to our school. Stuff happened behind closed doors and I stopped going with her most of the time.

She got caught drinking during lunch and got suspended from school.

There’s always some event that takes you too close to the edge. But it’s the little things that lead you to the edge that are the real problem. I think it was all the little things that led to the one big thing.

And as a good friend, I let her take me along for the ride.

***

“Beckett, are you ready for school?”

I take a deep breath and my throat squeezes shut. My chest tightens. I can’t breathe. I gulp and nothing happens. I’m drowning in the air. It’s a panic attack. I read about it online. I started having them after I saw the photos. I can’t believe I was so stupid. Just going along with Chloe so I could fit in.

I need to grab a hold of myself. Mom’s making me go to school. It’s not like there’s any way out.

 Mom jiggles the knob on the door. I bend forward and try to control my breathing while I wait for the sound of footsteps to disappear down the hall. But they don’t. Instead the doorknob turns and rattles. Of course the door’s locked. My room is the only place I can feel like myself.

“You’re going to be late dear.”

I don’t answer. I know I’m going to be late. That’s the whole point. I hope if I wait long enough then I won’t to have to go there at all.

More footsteps and they’re louder this time. It has to be Dad. “Beckett, come on, we’re not playing around. Principal Davis is letting you and that Baker girl back into North Lake and you can’t be late the first day of class. Now come out of your room. We need to get going or we’re all going to be late.”

Silence and then there’s another knock on the door. I close my eyes and wish they would leave me alone.

A fist hits the door and Dad’s voice makes me jump. “Beckett!”

I hesitate before I say something I know is really going to set them off. “Chloe’s picking me up.”

The hallway goes silent. I grab a section of my hair and twist it around my finger until it goes numb. I stop and pull tighter, waiting for my finger to amputate.

“Beckett, it’s time to go.” Mom’s voice is soft. Mom’s the peacemaker in our family. “I don’t have a problem dropping you off this morning. Come on out so we can get moving.”

“It’s okay… go ahead and leave. I’ll lock the door on the way out.” More silence. “Chloe will be here any minute. I’ll just wait till she gets here.”

A long silence and then the loud footsteps depart. Only one set of footsteps remains. “Beckett…” Mom’s quiet voice drifts through the cracks, “just…” I wait for her to finish, but she doesn’t say anything else. A car pulls up outside. I look out the window and see Chloe’s VW. I wave to her from the confines of my room and she waves back.

I open the door. Mom’s standing there looking like she wishes I were somebody else.

“I’m going to be late…” I brush past her and head to the stairs. She doesn’t follow me.

***

Chloe drives a red VW Beetle with a sunroof and a flower in a vase on the dash. The car was a gift for her sixteenth birthday. That was before the Incident and the shit hit the fan at the Baker household. I guess she’s trying to go all retro ‘70s with the vase even though that was a whole decade before we were even born. I’m not sure why she fills the vase with flowers. It’s so anti-Chloe to give off the appearance she’s happy. I swing open the passenger door. A bright yellow sunflower mocks me. Its dazzling petals are a stark contrast to the black dashboard and the gray skies. The sunflower looks so happy; the antithesis of everything going on around it.

“I like your boots,” Chloe says like we’re two regular seniors on our way to school.

I throw my backpack on the floor and buckle my seatbelt. “Yeah? Mom bought them for me this weekend. I think she’s trying to make sure I have an easy transition back to school. She wants me to look like everyone else. I guess the idea is to blend in. She thought I was looking too disheveled.”

Chloe laughs. Her laugh is like jingle bells that forgot the location of Christmas. They ring, but it’s not quite right. “I hardly think black fingernail polish and ripped jeans make you look disheveled.”

“Not to you it doesn’t, but to my mom… she could barely stand it. You know how she is, I think she’s mad at me for ruining her chances at becoming North Lake’s Senior Mom of the Year.”

“She’s still a great mom. She doesn’t need a plaque.”

I laugh. “That’s what you think. I’m pretty sure Mom needs affirmation of her wonderful parenting skills from someone outside the family.”

“Tell her I still think she’s Mom of the Year…”

No surprise. Chloe’s family’s pretty messed up. She practically lived at our house until last year when my dad stopped making her feel welcome.

Chloe looks over her shoulder as she pulls out onto the street. We merge into traffic – everybody on the road in a hurry to get somewhere important – Hurry, hurry! Can’t be late! – and the car settles into apprehensive silence. Neither one of us wants to return to the North Lake High School of Human Torture, but we don’t say it. Instead we drive out of my neighborhood of picket fences and Volvos. Traffic races by. We pass a corner where a group of sophomores are waiting for the bus. Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the guys point at Chloe’s car and laugh. His friend grabs his crotch and rubs his hand back and forth. I turn away and stare straight ahead.

***

We pull up to school past a group of prep-drones gathered in the parking lot. Khaki pants, white button downs, sweater vests… is this the group Chloe and I used to belong to?

I get sick in my mouth.

Chloe parks in the back of the lot. We never parked in the back of the lot last year. But this year’s different. This year I’m afraid to walk into the school.

“Could we get any farther away?” I look at all the empty spots closer to the school. “We’re going to be late.”

Chloe shakes her head and turns off the engine. “No way. I don’t want anyone touching my car. It will be safer out here in the teacher’s lot. If anything happens to my car my dad will kill me.”

“Do you really think someone would do something to your car?”

She nods her head. “Yep. Don’t you?”

“I don’t know… maybe.” The empty spots closer to the school taunt us, but I don’t have time to contemplate it. I grab my stuff and pull the handle. Chloe doesn’t move. When I realize she’s not getting out my mind searches for something to say to make everything easier, but nothing comes to mind. Instead I watch her chest heave up and down and drops of perspiration bead on her forehead.

“We’re going to be late, we should go.”

“I…”

Her eyes fixate on the school and she has a death grip on the steering wheel. Her knuckles are so white that they look like they will rip right through her skin.

“We can’t be late. We’re already in enough trouble as it is.”

Outside the window the last of the students rush into the building. Even the prep-drones are walking up the front stairs to go inside. The drones are the only group of students who can be late for class. Their parents sit on the school board.

“We can’t be late on the first day.”

“Maybe you should just go inside without me.” She stares straight ahead; her gaze is looking into another dimension. “I’ll just go back home. I’ll get a note from my mom…” Her eyes remain on the entrance to North Lake Purgatory. “I’ll just say I was sick or something.”

“Chloe, we should go.”

“I can’t go inside!”

Her voice is so loud I jump. My heart almost thumps right out of my chest. “You don’t have a choice. We have to graduate. It’s our last year. I bet nobody even remembers what happened last year.”

It’s a lie and we both know it.

I glance at my watch. In four minutes we’ll be late. And I absolutely can’t be late. If I’m late the school will call Mom and all hell will break loose. Things are bad enough at home, especially between Mom and Dad. I don’t need to ignite the flames to make it any worse. I step out of the car and start walking towards the old brick building. A few seconds later I hear footsteps behind me and the car alarm clicks.

We sprint towards the front doors of the school.

***

The hallways are devoid of humans. I follow Chloe to our assigned lockers. I almost don’t recognize the person I’m following. I’m not used to seeing her look so… preppy. She’s a different person dressed as an upper-class honor student with bobbed hair. This isn’t the same Chloe from last year. I’m sure that’s the point.

“What do you think today will be like?”

“I don’t know.”

Chloe breathes so heavily that I want to hand her a paper bag. It looks like I’m not the only one suffering from panic attacks. “You know, I begged Mom to let me go to City North. I begged her. Why would I come back to North Lake?” Chloe’s hand shakes as she fiddles with the combination on her locker. It’s so bad that she keeps skipping over numbers.

“You have to live in their district to be able to transfer. You can’t just go to a different school.”

“I asked her if we could move, you know? I mean, she’s never home anyway. Why can’t we just move?”

I shrug my shoulders and fiddle with my own locker. “It’s your last year here. You just have to get through senior year and then you can go away to University where there will be thousands of people. You should ask your mom if you can move to Arizona. ASU has, like 50,000 students. No one would even know you there and I could come visit in the winter when the weather is totally crappy here.”

“Yeah…” She takes out a shiny new notebook and throws her backpack in her locker. The noise makes me jump. “But I don’t want to go to ASU and be by myself. Everyone’s going to UW.”

“Everyone knows us at UW though.”

“Maybe by next year they’ll forget.”

Chloe spent the whole summer stuck in a serious case of denial. She didn’t hear the things I heard. Everybody was talking about us. The kind of talking that brings the wrong kind of attention. And now having to confront the reality of the situation is making her crazy.

But the school wants to brush it all under the carpet. Now, if you girls just stay out of trouble then we can all pretend like nothing happened! North Lake is a school filled with happy students who wait until graduation to drink alcohol and have sex.

See? Wasn’t that easy?

Now scoot along girls. Go make nice with the other students because I think some of them don’t like you so much anymore.

I grab my English book out of my locker. I swing the door too hard and it makes a big bang when it closes. The sound echoes down the deserted hallway. The noise is louder than I meant.

“Hey, I have to get to class. I’ve got Mrs. Larson for English and I don’t want to get marked down for being late.”

“Sure.”

“We’ll chat later.” And then I hurry off to class, thankful to get away.

***

Mrs. Larson’s been teaching English at North Lake since the beginning of time. And she always wears the same outfit: a below the knee skirt, a blouse, and a blazer. I once sat in the library looking at old yearbooks. Mrs. Larson was in every single yearbook. Every-single-one. I actually think my mom had her for English.

I walk through the front doors just as second bell rings. Mrs. Larson gives me a sharp look as I enter the room. I ignore her stare. I have bigger issues. I need to find a safe-zone to sit.

Last year I would’ve breezed into the room and sat by Jennie Dunham and the other girls from the cheer squad. But I haven’t talked to Jennie since last year. I spot an empty seat in the front row by the window. A geek-seat. But that’s me now – a loser – a girl without friends – a girl who sits in the front row.

Mrs. Larson takes her position in the front of the room. I swear she’s made of wax. She looks exactly the same as she did every other year. She’s like one of those figures from Madame Tussaud’s.  She gives her first day of class speech. It’s all very Rah, rah, rah! Let’s get good grades and learn to master the English language! I stare out the window. The parking lot is devoid of students. We’re all appropriately obedient on the first day of class. Mrs. Larson passes out the fresh-off-the-printer syllabus. I flip through the warm pages and pretend to be interested in their content.

Once she’s done with orientation she begins sorting through overheads for the day’s lesson. I rest my head against my hand; the back of the room breaks into whispers and giggles. Someone says my name. Everybody knows Mrs. Larson is losing her hearing. It’s like she’s a million years old.

Did you see those photos of Chloe and Beckett? I mean, who takes pictures like that? That’s so gross! Are they lesbos or something?

The words circle around me, like vultures looking for their prey. I want to disappear.

Chloe is such a whore.

I flinch at the words.

Those girls are so nasty, no wonder no one wants to be their friends.

My face burns and my pencil pushes against the paper. Mrs. Larson keeps flipping through her overheads. The seconds turn to decades. What’s taking so long? You would think someone who had been teaching her whole life would be more prepared.

Beckett… Beckett… Beckett…

My pencil rips through the paper. I crumble it up and start over.

Chloe is a slut…

“Oh dear, okay. Sorry about that class. I found what I was looking for. Please open your book to page ten and let’s get started.”

A couple of students nod their heads. Giggles ring from the back of the room. I strain my ears for the sound of Kale’s voice. I don’t hear him. Mrs. Larson flashes her eyes towards the back of the room before returning to her overheads. I open my book and pretend English is the most fascinating subject I ever came across.

Chapter Four

Day two of senior year at North Lake and I decide on the bus. The bus is just… better. If I take the bus then I don’t have to deal with Mom and Dad’s BS when Chloe picks me up. I’m so glad it’s senior year and I’m almost done with the whole thing.

I need to put a little distance between Chloe and myself. Just for a little while. It’s not like I don’t want to still be her friend. Chloe’s my best friend. The person whose bed I cried on when David Mulligan kissed me on the mouth in sixth grade and told all his friends I had frog breath. I spent all summer vacation being called ‘froggie’ until Chloe pushed him in the river one day and it turned out he couldn’t swim. Of course we didn’t let him drown, we weren’t that mean.

I just need time to settle into classes without everyone thinking about those pictures whenever they see me.

I’m standing in front of the house by myself when the school bus comes lumbering down the road. It doesn’t slow and I wave my hand in the air to catch the driver’s attention. It’s probably been a year since I rode the bus, but why else would I be standing in front of my house on a school day? The door swings open and I keep my head down as I step up the black stairs. A couple of freshmen giggle when I sit behind them. It’s okay to take the bus as a freshman, but I’m a senior and that’s a problem.

We pull up in front of the school and I tie the strings of my hoodie tight around my head. I want to disappear. My hair sticks out the sides and tickles my nose. I tuck it behind my ear and tug the hood as far down as I can make it go.

I could be anyone walking up to North Lake High.

In front of the school the cheer squad’s practicing. Legs fly in the air punctuated by the occasional squeal. I was supposed to do cheer this year but now I doubt I’ll even go to the games.

The girls in their blue and white pleated skirts sit in a circle around the fountain. On my way to first period I spot them laughing and swishing their hair. Katie Spencer stands up and claps. She kicks her leg in the air. Jennie Dunham, captain of the cheerleaders, jumps up and bounces like she has coils in her shoes. I don’t move. I’m stuck on a crack in the sidewalk wanting to run the opposite direction. The cheer squad’s out in full force getting ready for football season! I was supposed to be Jennie Dunham. The days of popularity and good times seems like a lifetime ago.

The warning bell rings and none of the girls get up. For the first time ever I notice they all look the same. The same ponytails with blue ribbons tied in their hair, the same thick blush, and the same pink gloss glowing on their lips. There’s so much glitter flying from their bodies that the air sparkles. For a minute I expect Tinkerbell to fly down from the sky and make an appearance.

Did this used to be me?

Jennie turns my way and stops bouncing. Our eyes meet and for a moment I think she might wave. I almost lift my arm to wave back. Her eyes narrow. She doesn’t wave; instead she sits down and turns her back to me, like I uncovered the secret to the invisibility cloak.

The countdown to the second bell ticks in my head. I’m going to be late for class. I’m frozen on a crack in the sidewalk and I can’t move.

Katie gets up and does a couple of moves and I realize they’re working on a new cheer, which means that they’re not going anywhere.

I put my head down and walk towards the school.

No one acknowledges me as I walk past the mob of lipstick and ponytails. The only sound I hear is the chant of “North Lake… North Lake…North Lake…”

The sound rings in my air. I wish I could brush it away.

***

The first period bell rings as I run up the front steps. The hallway’s empty. Ghost Hall. I rush to class.

“Beckett?”

I smile at Mrs. Larson, a secret code begging not to be punished. She opens her mouth like she wants to say something and shuts it again. Kale smiles at me from the back of the room and my skin burns.

Could my life get any worse?

I take my seat and stare at the words some bored student carved into the desk: North Lake Sucks!

“Glad you could join us today, Beckett. We’re just getting started.”

I open my notebook and try to send my mind somewhere else. Today’s lesson is on composition – also known as how to poke your eyes out with a pencil. I have a vision of my eyeball rolling around on my desk in a puddle of gel. I cover my notebook with flowers as Mrs. Larson goes on and on about modifiers. Flowers, daisies, roses, sunflowers… I wish I brought colored pencils to color them in. I need a way to tune out everything going on around me. A distraction. I draw a couple of dandelions, they turn into cotton balls and their seeds disperse.

I want to be anywhere but in this class.

I tried to change schools last year when my life went to crappola but Mom wasn’t having it. “If you change schools then it’s like you’re running away. You need to stand up and face it.”

That was easy for Mom to say. Mom didn’t have to go back to North Lake. Most the time I wish I could skip senior year and go straight to college.

But Mom’s in denial. She wants things to go back to just the way they were. I guess Mom always had this vision of what her only daughter’s high school experience would be like since she’s been preparing for it since I was two and all. It must be a huge disappointment that I turned into an utter failure in the only year that really matters. She wanted to be popular-mom after all. Miss Community. She has been striving for the North Lake Senior Mom of the Year award since my birth.

I guess not everything turns out the way we want.

***

The cafeteria’s a screaming mesh of voices blended together into one loud hum. I spot Chloe standing alone, holding a tray when I walk in the door. The tables are filled with laughing and talking students. No one talks to Chloe. Her khaki pants, white blouse, and beige skin blend with the paint on the wall. She’s so skinny her clothes are slipping off.

She’s like air.

I walk up behind her. “Hey.”

She jumps. “Oh my God, you scared me.” She gives me an accusatory look that softens after a few moments.  “I’ve been waiting for you. Where do you want to sit?”

I scan the cafeteria. Our old table’s filled with our former clique. Girls laugh and run their fingers through their hair. Boys bump and shove each other. I look past them at a table with empty seats in the back of the cafeteria. “How about there?”

Chloe’s eyes follow the direction of my finger and the tension melts from her body. “Great! I’ll save us a couple of seats!” She heads to the outcast zone, also known as our new table.

I get in line behind the kids whose parents don’t care if their children eat prison food. Your parents have to really not like you to make you eat this crap. The cafeteria noise buzzes. It’s the first week of school excitement. My head throbs. The words blur together, like a wasp in my ear. I wave my hand in front of my ear to try to make the noise disappear. I get my food and make it over to where Chloe’s sitting.

Her lunch rests comfortably on her tray untouched. She’s sitting at a table with her head down, waiting.

“Let’s eat. Your food’s getting cold.”

An untouched plastic cafeteria tray sits in front of her. She picks up her spoon and scoops up a small bit of soup. She puts it in her mouth where it rests for a few seconds before she chews and swallows. She puts down her spoon and looks around the cafeteria. Her skin’s ghost white and her eyes are glassy. For a moment I think she might cry.

“It’s worse than I thought it would be,” she whispers. Her voice catches like she can barely get the words out.

“What is?” I ask. I don’t know why I’m pretending; I know exactly what she’s talking about.

“This.” She waves her hand at everyone in the cafeteria.

From the back of the massive room the cafeteria looks like a hive. The bees buzz and circle. The seniors sit at the center table. Jennie Dunham’s the queen bee. The table we should’ve been sitting at. Not in the back where the freshmen sit.

I nod my head. “Yeah, but it will get better. We just need to give it some time. Everyone will forget about last year. You know how people are – everyone always wants to be the center of the universe. Let’s just eat.” The words sound like my mother’s. I want to convince myself it’s true.

Chloe pushes her tray away. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

I examine her across the table. Her new clothes hang loose on her body. Dark circles outline her eyes. She’s like a zombie existing in the world of the living.

“You should eat…”

She puts her head in her hands. “I just want to go home.”

I don’t know what to say. My brain can’t process any words. I’d pretty much do anything to go home too. Instead I scoop up a spoonful of potatoes and start to chew.

***

The hallways are crowded with students making their way back to class after lunch. Chloe and I walk in silence towards our lockers. Chloe stares at the floor as she follows alongside me. Her eyes count tiles and ignore the activity around us. Chloe hasn’t made eye contact with anyone since school started.

Our lockers are side-by-side at the end of the senior hallway. Chloe twists the combination for her locker and pulls the handle. Nothing happens. She brushes back her hair and tries again. The locker’s stuck. She shakes the door and nothing happens. Her brow furrows and she looks around.

No one offers to help.

She bangs her hand against the locker.

“You didn’t forget your combination, did you?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think so…” She looks up and down the hallway for help.

“There’s Mr. Kindle.” I point at the school custodian who’s walking down the hall. Mr. Kindle wears one of those metal circles with a million keys hanging off his belt. He’s the only person at the school who has a key for everything. He’s so loaded down with keys that he jingles when he walks.

“Oh, great, I don’t want to be late for class.” She waves at Mr. Kindle to catch his attention. Head down, he walks our direction scuffling the boots he’s worn everyday since I first saw him three years ago. The edge of his boots are so worn I can tell he’s wearing gray socks. The guy looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.

“Problem ladies?” He barely looks at us as he speaks.

“My locker’s jammed.” Chloe twists the combination again for emphasis. “I can’t get it open.”

“Are you sure you’re putting the right combination in?”

Chloe sighs and I check my watch. We’re about to be late. Chloe and I have enough problems. Chronic tardiness is not something to add to the list. “Yes, of course. I can’t get it open.”

Mr. Kindle slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring of keys. Seconds tick by. His thick, twisted fingers check the keys one at a time until he finds the one that will save us. He places the key in the lock and the combination clicks and the door swings open.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” He hesitates like he wants to say something else, but doesn’t finish. Instead he and Chloe stand frozen in front of Chloe’s locker.

“Oh no…”

“We’ll need to fill out a report,” Mr. Kindle is slack jawed.

I move behind them to take a closer look. The inside of Chloe’s locker has been painted with red spray paint. The whole door, all her books, even the sweater she wore to class this morning. The words slut and whore cover the inside. Chloe’s body shakes as she takes a series of sharp, short breaths.

I reach over and put my hand on her shoulder. This is the last thing Chloe needs; she’s barely been able to make it through the day. “It’s just a bunch of the dick weeds from the football team. It’s nothing. Those guys bleed brains during practice.”

Another couple of sharp breathes. “You should go to class,” she says with her back to me. “You’ll be late. I have to fill out a report.”

“But… it’s okay.” It’s a weak offer. I really don’t want to be late.

“No, I can take care of it.”

“I can stay…” And yet I’m relieved. I love Chloe but this is so much… drama. All I want is my life back to the way it used to be

“No, you shouldn’t be late. I’ll take care of this by myself.”

Mr. Kindle flips through the pages on his clipboard. He doesn’t say anything to me. I turn around and head to class.

“I should’ve jumped.” She whispers under her breath as I walk away. The words make sense only to me.

And they follow me to class.

***

After school I wait on the front steps for Chloe. North Lake students rush out the doors on their way to football practice, track, cheer, after school jobs… Everyone ignores me as they rush past. I lift my hand in front of my face to ensure I’m still visible. I just want to go home and count down the days until graduation.

The crowd thins and I check my watch. Chloe’s ten minutes late and I don’t have anyone else to give me a ride.

I walk back up to the doors and peer through the glass. She’s nowhere to be seen. The buses pull away from campus. Except for a couple of lingerers, the campus is empty.

The parking lot is visible once the buses leave the curb. The spot Chloe parked in this morning is empty. The parking lot is deserted. Her red VW bug is gone. I’m left at school without a ride home.

I take my cell out of my backpack and dial her number.

“You’ve reached Chloe Baker. Sorry you missed me. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back. Or, maybe I won’t.” The phone beeps in my ear.

I hesitate.

Message… no message… message… no message…

Since when did dealing with my best friend cause me so much angst?

Message wins. “Hey Chloe, it’s Beckett. Hey, I’m still at school. I thought you were giving me a ride home. Give me a call.” I hit end call and hold the phone in my hand. I stare at the phone, waiting for a call back. Last thing I need is to call my parents for a ride home. I’m sure it would be a relief to my parents knowing things aren’t a 100% between Chloe and I. The last thing I need is to let them know we’re already having problems in class. My parents have enough issues with Chloe.

I sit down on the cement stairs and rest my head on my hands. A colony of ants march in a straight line next to my feet. I watch the football team take the field. Blue and white uniforms dot the painted grass. Testosterone filled voices rumble against the noise of traffic. My phone doesn’t ring. I check the display and call history just in case. I can’t believe she’d just leave me. Chloe never just leaves me. But here I am, alone on the steps at the worst place on earth. I grab my backpack and stand up. I’ll need to walk to the city bus to get home. I can’t call my parents. It’s not a conversation I want to have.

The school doors open behind me. I don’t bother to turn around until I hear my name.

“Hey, Beckett. What are you doing here?”

Kale Fenton is ten feet away. I haven’t spoken to Kale since the Incident. Kale was supposed to be my senior-year boyfriend. Instead he got suspended from the school’s first football game.  He was supposed to be the star running back for North Lake and I was going to cheer him on from the sidelines. Kale’s still on the football team. Me? As far away from the sidelines the school can get me.

“Hi.” My skin burns. I shift my weight. My tongue’s stuck in my mouth. Electricity sends sparks outside of my body.

I’m probably glowing.

And I can’t think of anything to say.

He’s not suffering from the same problem. “What are you doing here still?”

“I… uh…” I can feel the redness creeps up my chest, my neck prickles, and my face burns. My pale skin is too obvious.

“Are you waiting for someone?”

“I was just leaving.” I strap on my backpack and hurry down the stairs. I hear Kale’s footsteps follow behind me. I get to the bottom of the stairs. I wish he’d go away. I don’t want him to see me walking off campus towards the city bus stop.

“Where are you going?” He looks around.

“I need to meet someone.”

He nods his head. Like he thinks “someone” is Chloe. He and Chloe never got along. It was one of a million reasons things didn’t work out between us.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about Chloe. “Aren’t you late for practice?” I want to change the subject – or to disappear. But I want nothing more than to make a clean exit. I know Kale’s supposed to be out on the field. Only losers take the city bus.

“Yeah, I am. I had to meet with Mr. Hanson after class. It’s already starting. He’s warning me about my grades… and the football team… and how I have to make Bs or better or most of the Pac-10 schools will be out. He takes me for an idiot. I get the impression he thinks all football players have been hit a few too many times in the head.”

I nod. I don’t know what to say. My chest heaves and I suck in a deep breath. The last thing I want to do is stand in front of the guy who broke my heart. I hate how he didn’t stick by my side last year when I was going through everything with Chloe and my parents and school. The minute there was a hint of trouble he ran away, like I was contagious or something. I don’t know why he even bothers to stand and talk to me. And I can’t hang out even a minute longer if I’m going to make the 4:15 bus.

He must read my mind. “It was great to see you...” He pauses like he’s waiting for me to say something, but my mind is blank. The pause sits heavy in the air. Then he runs down the steps towards the gym. I watch his body get smaller and smaller as he hurries away.

Once he’s safely out of sight I check my phone one last time. No calls and no texts. I run down the sidewalk to catch the bus.

Chapter Five

At home I sit on my bed, my family safely locked on the other side of the door. I can’t believe Chloe would just take off from school and leave me. I shoot her a text and stare at my phone. No response. It’s like the cell phone network is down.

I miss the Chloe I used to know and my old life before I became a social outcast.

I met Chloe in second grade. My dad got transferred to his Big Important Job at Microsoft in Seattle. Lucky me. I got to leave San Diego for the rain.

Chloe was the tallest girl in the class. She had stringy blonde hair and the palest skin I’d ever seen. She also had the shoes I wanted. Sandals with a cork screw heel that weren’t flat. She wore them every day with a skirt, even though it rained most days. On the playground she said she couldn’t play because “I can’t run in these shoes.”

At Macy’s we saw the shoes in the children’s department. I pointed them out to my mom.

“Can I get these?” They were strappy and they looked so grown up. And they were the shoes that Chloe wore. All the girls wanted to be like Chloe.

Mom shook her head. “Dear, no, of course not. Those are for older girls.”

“No they’re not. A girl in my class has them.” I held them in my hands. They represented everything I wanted to be, girly and sophisticated, with a sense of aloofness. Mom made me wear saltwater sandals. She wore Birkenstocks. Once Mom moved to Seattle she wanted to fit in with all the other tree huggers.

“When you’re older, in a few years, but not now. I don’t even know why they make shoes like that in your size. You’d never be able to play in those.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But, Mom.”

“I said no.”

I put the shoes back down on the shelf. Mom pushed my kid brother Cody away in his stroller and the shoes mocked me as we walked away.

***

I went back to school wearing my saltwater sandals and carrying my Hello Kitty lunch pail. Girls that ignored me when I first started class began to warm up to me. I made a couple of friends. But Chloe was the girl I really wanted to friends with at school. She was the person all the other girls wanted to be.

One day she came to sit next to me at the cafeteria table. “I like your lunchbox.”

I looked around the room to see whom she was speaking to. Chloe nodded at the white kitty staring back at her.

“Thanks.”

“I went to Sea World last summer with my parents. Have you been there?”

Everyone in San Diego goes to Sea World. It was like asking me if I’d seen the sun.

“Yeah, we went all the time.”

“I had lots of fun. We went to the beach and Lego Land. It was a blast.”

I couldn’t stop staring at Chloe. At that time Chloe was like a movie star to me. I couldn’t believe we were talking.

“I like Lego Land.”

She smiled and took a bite of her turkey sandwich. She seemed to chew forever. She was so skinny. Eating slowly must have been her secret. I was dying to hear more of what she had to say. It was like talking to a movie star who has only one name. I was star struck.

“Your tan is fading. When you first got here I thought you looked like one of the girls from TV who hangs out at the beach all day.”

“There’s no sun here.”

“We should be friends.”

It was that simple. Second grade relationships are so much easier. That was the last time being her friend was effortless.

Chapter Six

Now that I’m not one of the pom pom queens my weekends are wide open. And Dad’s out of town on a ‘business trip’. Every time Dad goes out of town Mom goes on some kind of weird cleaning fix. She goes from room to room wiping down the walls, dusting the furniture, vacuuming the corners. It’s like her whole body is full of nervous energy. Cody spends his time sitting on the couch watching cartoons and eating Lucky Charms. Cody only eats food filled with sugar now. He really only eats the dehydrated marshmallows. And Mom doesn’t notice. Since Dad started going out of town all the time it’s like she doesn’t even care.

I stand in the doorway of Cody’s room, watching Mom pull toys, dirty dishes, and wrinkled clothes out from under his bed. The smell makes me think there’s something worse hiding under his bed. I hold my nose. I have zero desire to hang around and find out.

“Do you care if I go to the mall with Chloe?”

She jumps and hits her head on the corner of Cody’s bed. “You scared me.” She rubs her head.

“Sorry.”

“That’s okay.” She blinks a couple of times and massages the sore spot. “How are you getting there?”

“Chloe’s going to come get me.” I wait. Dad’s answer would be ‘no’, but Dad’s not here. Mom’s the one with a soft spot for Chloe.

“How long will you be gone?”

“I don’t know… we’ll probably eat at the mall. Later tonight.’

“Be home by nine. You can take twenty dollars out of my wallet.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

She goes back to cleaning, searching for the source of the smell, trying to block out the life that is unraveling around her.

***

Saturday afternoon at Bellevue Square is a ritual. Chloe and I walk up and down the hallways, flirting with guys from Bellevue High. The guys from Bellevue don’t know us. It’s easy to pretend like we’re totally normal high school girls around strangers.

Three guys in Bellevue High t-shirts keep passing us. They’re on the second floor, outside of Abercrombie and Fitch, and in the Apple Store. We stand outside Nordstrom drinking raspberry Italian sodas that are almost white with cream when the tall one with shaggy hair bumps into Chloe. I pull the straw out of the plastic cup and lick whip cream off the end, examining our afternoon’s intruders.

“Hey!” Chloe pushes her hair behind her ear and smiles. The smile is a look I’m familiar with – it’s the look that always gets us in trouble.

“Oops, sorry about that.” He gives us a grin. His friends lurk behind him. I stare at them from behind Chloe. One nudges the other and they both smirk our way. It’s a yucky smirk. My skin crawls like it’s covered in little bugs.

“No problem.”

“You go to North Lake?”

He’s cute – dark blond surfer hair and well-worn jeans. Chloe takes a step closer. “Yep.”

“What are you doing later?”

Her face darkens. It’s like a winter storm. “Why?”

“You’re that girl, aren’t you?”

“Huh?”

“That girl. I saw those pictures. You know…” He takes a couple of steps closer to Chloe. I can almost see his breath against her face. “Do you want to get together later?”

“Pictures?”

I don’t know why Chloe has to ask; she knows what he’s talking about. Ever since the photos came out they’ve consumed our life. Followed us. We can’t escape.

“Yeah.” He touches his nipples and pinches. His two friends behind him break into a fit of laughter. They’re like hyenas. I clench my fists. There’s nothing worse than Bellevue boys and their pathetic attempts to entertain themselves. “Nice ones. We should hook up later. I have a few things I could show you. I take great pictures.”

Chloe’s face matches the color of her raspberry soda – white with a tinge of pink. I grab her arm.

“Fuck you,” I spit at the three guys. For some reason this is even funnier. They break into another fit of laughter. They’re hyenas lost in the mall. For a moment I think guys in a white coat with straightjackets will come for them. Put them in a cage and take them to the zoo. I pull Chloe away and flash them a middle finger as we walk off.

“Don’t listen to them,” I mutter when they’re out of earshot.

Chloe’s face is ashen. “Let’s go, I want to go home.” She looks like she saw a ghost. She takes a deep breath and her chest hitches. All I wanted was a fun girl’s shopping trip, not a reminder of my worst year ever.

“Let’s get something to eat. We can leave the mall.”

She nods her head.

***

Chloe and I walk out of Bell Square and wait at the intersection. Traffic races by as the intersection sign flashes ‘Don’t Walk’. A cop on a motorcycle watches the intersection, waiting for someone to take a step into the road against the light. Nobody does. When the light changes we cross the street and the cop nods at us as we pass.

That’s Chloe and I – good little citizens. We’re just two high school girls hanging out on the weekend, staying out of trouble.

Rock Bottom is a block away from the mall. The cold, fresh air helps erase the guys. We walk into the restaurant and the hostess grabs two menus. Music thumps from the upstairs bar and a group of college kids watch the game from a table by the TVs. The hostess directs us to a booth next to a family of purple UW sweatshirts. It’s all very normal, very Go Huskies! This is what life was like before getting my picture taken ruined my life. She drops the menus on the table and walks away. She’s my age, with black braids and a short black skirt, and a normal job. She’s just a normal teenage girl.

After she’s out of earshot Chloe shakes her head. “Did everyone in Washington State see those pictures? I mean – I’ve never even met those guys before.”

I shrug. “I don’t know. They probably know someone at North Lake or something.”

“I hate it...”

I say the words that have been simmering inside for months. “We shouldn’t have gone to that party…” The words hang in the air.

The silence is heavy. The party was Chloe’s idea. Without the party, our lives would be just like they were before – we’d be just like everyone else.

Chloe opens her mouth like she has something to say, it’s shaped like a perfect O, but the words don’t exit.

She shakes her and returns her attention to the menu. A server stops by and places two glasses of water on the table. When he’s gone she leans over the table.

“Want to try to order a drink?”

“Of course, I’m parched.”

“No, I mean a drink.”

I look around the restaurant; worried someone overheard our conversation. “How are we going to do that?” I whisper across the table.

She pulls an ID out of her wallet. It’s her cousin. Her almost identical older cousin, almost, I’m not convinced. “I’ll just use this. She looks like me. Yes?”

She slides the ID across the table and I pick it up. Kendra and Chloe look alike the way cousins do who share the same gene pool. Like maybe you’d know they were related but would never mistake one for the other. At best it’s a stretch. “I don’t know Chloe. What if they know it’s not you and call the cops?”

“The cops? The worst they will say is no. I think I’m going to try it. I need a drink after this afternoon.”

The waiter looks like a first year college student. He approaches the table with a smile and a tray full of used plates and glasses from an earlier table.

“Can I get you ladies something to drink?”

“I’ll take a diet coke.” I make an attempt at a mature, sophisticated smile.

Chloe turns on the charm. “A rum and coke for me.” It’s the charm that always gets us in trouble.

The waiter looks up and seems to notice us for the first time. He crinkles his brow at Chloe. “Yeah, sure. Can I see some ID?”

Chloe bats her eyes and hands over Kendra’s ID. He holds it up and walks away. Chloe’s brave face turns white. I try not to panic.

“Shit,” she whispers without moving her head.

“I know.” I don’t look up. I’m too afraid. If I look up then he’ll see the panic on my face and we’ll spend the night in jail.

That’s the last thing I need – a cherry on the top of the worst-year-ever.

But the waiter doesn’t go far. He walks a couple of tables over to where there’s better lighting and examines the ID. He returns and hands it back to Chloe. “Sorry about that, I couldn’t see the birth date over here, there wasn’t enough lighting. I’ll get your drinks and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, thanks.” I flash him one of my brilliant smiles.

After he’s gone Chloe breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that worked. For a minute I thought he was going to take my ID away!”

“Shh!” I look around the restaurant. “Don’t draw attention to yourself, you have to act cool about it.”

She sits back and smiles and a few minutes later the waiter returns with our drinks.

We don’t know anyone in the restaurant. Chloe sips her drink and the day melts away. I reach across the table for her drink and take a sip. We sit there enjoying a normal night out – just two teenage girls having a good time. Away from school, parents, school administrators, crappy guys... I feel like a regular high school senior sitting across from Chloe.

And it feels great.

Chapter Seven

Homecoming week. The week when everyone who attends North Lake, or the parent of someone who attends North Lake, or a relation to someone who attends North Lake dresses in blue and white, paints their car windows, and otherwise acts like they’re part of the-best-cult-that-ever-existed! Last year Mom painted North Lake High on her car’s windows, painted her own face for work, and I had to find a way to keep my cheer uniform clean enough to wear it every day for a week.

This year Mom hasn’t mentioned homecoming and I have no uniform.

Instead Mom and I eat breakfast on Monday morning, just the two of us. Dad already dropped Cody off at soccer practice before he went to work. Mom sips coffee. Steam from the cup drifts up and fogs over her glasses. She scans the weekly sales. Macy’s having a weekend sale! Mom’s eyes fixate on the shoes. I spot the game between North Lake and South Shore highlighted in the sport’s section with a picture of Kale Fenton gracing the front page.  The headline on the paper reads: Can Kale Fenton’s Devils Rush Past South Shore and Remain Undefeated? Kale’s wearing a blue and white jersey with black lines painted under his eyes. He looks straight into the camera. We’re on track for the state championship even with the suspension. Football is a Big Deal at North Lake High!

“Do you have anything exciting planned this week?” Mom looks up at me from over her coffee. She skirts around homecoming week and the Big Game. Mom doesn’t know how to have a conversation with her only daughter.

“Not really.”

Her face turns down. I know she’s disappointed over my lack of involvement in school activities. That kind of stuff’s really important to Mom.

She glances at the sports section like the events of the week ahead are just occurring to her for the first time. “Oh, look, it’s homecoming! You’re going to the game on Friday, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know…”

“Surely you and Chloe don’t want to miss your senior year homecoming game.” Her face grows nostalgic. “Those were the days. I still remember our game. It stays with you, you know? Once you get out of school, your life is filled with responsibilities, all the fun ends… trust me.” The nostalgic look leaves as quickly as it came. Mom frowns. She frowns a lot not.

“Okay, I’ll think about it…”

“I can always call Aunt Shelly. You could give your cousin Ian and his friends a ride to the game.”

Mom looks so hopeful. Like she can make my social life come back by sheer will. But I know it’s impossible. The fun ended for Chloe and I last year

***

By Friday school spirit at North Lake is frenetic. The halls are filled with chants and pledges for the North Lake Blue Devils. Everyone’s wearing blue and white. You’d think the school was about to have a human sacrifice or something with the way people are acting. At the last minute I decided to wear a blue t-shirt with North Lake written across the front with a picture of our school mascot. I walk the halls filled with devil-heads, blue faces, and school spirit. I smile at the school mascot when he walks by. His face is covered with a mask. I can’t tell if he smiles back.

“Hey, Beckett! Wait up!”

The familiar voice, the cause of my social demise, approaches from behind. My first instinct – it lasts only a millisecond – is to run.

“Beckett, wait!”

This time I stop. Chloe waves as she rushes my direction. In a sea of blue and school spirit she’s wearing the new uniform her mom finds appropriate: khaki pants and a white polo shirt. She looks like she should be working in the school cafeteria.

“Hey, I called you last night… Twice.”

We squeeze our way through the halls of school spirit.

“Yeah? There must be something wrong with my phone.”

A silent pause as we continue down the hallway. There has been a lot wrong with my phone lately.

“So… I’m thinking we should do something tonight. Want to go eat appetizers at Red Robin? My mom gave me twenty dollars to do something this weekend, since, you know…”

“I…uh…” I want to avoid telling her I’m going to the homecoming game. Chloe’s, like, the only senior not going.

“I could drive and we could go to Bellevue.”

“Umm…” My mouth tries to form the words but they won’t come out.

“We could get a couple of virgin daiquiris and sneak in one of my mom’s mini-bottles of vodka.” Classmates pass by us. I hear a snicker and I look at the ground. “Can I borrow your new boots?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I can try to use Kendra’s ID again. Do you have any older relatives you look like?”

I swallow. Flashes of slumber parties and Barbie play pools from happier times play in my mind. Those memories are a million miles away. I’d reach out and grab them if I thought I could. “I’m going to the game tonight.”

Her expression is something I’ve never seen before. It’s part disappointment, part confusion, and part anger. I look at a poster on the wall.

Go Devils!

Finally it occurs to her I’m going to the homecoming game and she’s not.

“Oh…”

“It’s my last homecoming, you know. Senior year. Mom thinks I should go. She doesn’t want me to miss out on my senior year experiences just because, you know…”

Chloe’s shoulders slump. With the slump goes all my enthusiasm for the game.

“You should come…” My tone is two octaves higher than normal. It’s my pathetic attempt to not be a totally horrible friend. It’s pointless: I know what she’s going to say. There’s no way Chloe will go to the game.

I wonder if they give awards for being the world’s worst friend.

She shakes her head and her eyes gloss over. My eyes examine the posters on the wall with renewed interest and I pretend not to notice.

“My mom wants me to give my cousin Ian and his friends a ride to the game. They don’t drive yet. There should be enough room for one more person though if you want to come…”

“No, that’s okay. Have fun.” Then she walks away towards class.

I watch her go. Her head down, avoiding the looks of our classmates, and I imagine that she’s counting tiles on the school’s well-worn floors.

Chapter Eight

Aunt Shelly asked my mom if I could drive my cousin Ian to the homecoming game. Ian and two of his friends: a couple of Trekkies that spend all their time in front of the computer and don’t worry about things like social lives or images. World of Warcraft is all that these three care about. They might as well be living in outer space. The only thing is I have to drive. If I drive then the guys can go to the game and I won’t have to sit by myself.

I’m parked on my bed in jeans and a blue sweatshirt, my stomach in knots. Chloe and I should be going to the game to cheer on the team. That was the plan: my perfect senior year. It was the reason I took dance until my feet bled. The same reason broke my leg learning to do back flips.

It only takes one very bad decision to ruin your life.

The sound of footsteps makes their way down the hallway and then a knock. “Beckett? Shelly’s on the phone and the boys are waiting for you. What should I tell her?”

I get up and straighten my shirt. I’m the epitome of school spirit. Go team! I open the door and Mom’s on the other side getting ready to knock again. Her fist almost punches me in the face.

“Oh, there you are, dear. I wasn’t sure you were in your room. I need to tell Shelly when you’re picking the boys up. You know she gets all on edge if someone is even a couple of minutes late.”

“I’m leaving right now. Tell her to have Ian and his friends meet me out front.”

Mom crosses her arms across her chest and frowns. “I’m sure your aunt would like to see you. You should go in and at least say hello.”

I feign impatience. I have no desire to talk to busy-body Aunt Shelly. Aunt Shelly was the one who took pleasure on watching the downfall of her once perfect niece. Aunt Shelly made sure everyone in the family knew about me.

I push past Mom and pretend like I’m in a hurry. “Just tell the boys to meet me outside.”

I feel her eyes follow me out the door.

***

Ian is wearing a devil mask when I pull up in front of his house. At least I think it’s Ian. Friend one is holding a plastic knife. Friend two is wearing fangs. I drive up to the house and almost keep going. This is what I get for being a social outcast: the worst companions for a homecoming game ever.

My life is officially hell.

I consider turning around and returning home. Attending homecoming is a total mistake. I should have just gone to Red Robin with Chloe.

The devil swings open the passenger side door.

“Argh!” Friend one barks at me as he climbs in the backseat. He jabs me with his plastic knife. I don’t bother to turn around.

Friend two bares his fangs at me and breaks into a fit of laughter.

The devil climbs into the passenger seat and closes the door.

I look straight at the road.

“Argh!” friend one says again, like I missed it the first time.

“Don’t talk to me. Buckle your seatbelts,” I growl at the backseat inhabitants. “Dorks,” I whisper under my breath.

Devil-man pulls off his mask. It’s Ian with a blue face and white circles around his eyes. Painting his face only to wear a mask over the top is an interesting choice.

“Got a stick up your ass?” Ian asks.

“No.” I glance over my shoulder and pull back onto the road.

“You’re sure acting like it.”

“Argh!” Laughter fills the car. Then the whole car bursts into a fit of juvenile delirium. Like the punishment I got from my parents wasn’t bad enough. I turn up the radio to block out the noise and Taylor Swift sings in the background.

***

The parking lot is full when we arrive. I end up parking Mom’s car in a dirt lot across the street from the stadium. Ian puts his devil’s mask back on and all three jump out of the car.

Ian sees a devil with a pitchfork, goes up for a fist bump and is met with a pitchfork to the stomach. Girls run by in painted faces and boyfriends’ football jerseys. I’m lacking the frenzy of school spirit in my blue sweatshirt and jeans.

We get in the stadium and friend one and two head towards the sophomores. Ian hesitates.

“Where are you going to sit?” he asks once his friends are gone.

The reality hits me like bricks falling from the sky. I could sit with the sophomores or find a place with the seniors. Without Chloe, I’m lost. There’s no way I can sit with the sophomores. Seniors never sit with the sophomores but I’m afraid to go anywhere near the seniors. I have nowhere to go.

“Um…”

Ian looks over at his friends. “I’ll sit by you if you want.”

I hide my relief. With the devil mask on no one will even have to know I’m sitting with my sophomore cousin. It’s better than sitting alone or hiding in the bathroom all night.

“Great, okay… Let’s sit down.”

I choose a spot in the back of the stadium where stoners and people that don’t go to our school sit. I’m inconspicuous. Ian sits next to me and pulls out his phone. He sends a text and friend one stands up and waves back at us. Ian does some weird dance that involves a pelvic thrust. I want to die. He pushes his pelvis forward and back and sways in a little circle while I pretend to watch the game.

***

At halftime a mob of spectators rush down the bleachers. The lines waiting for the concession stand and bathroom are a sea of blue and white. Ian sits next to me with his hands on his lap, hiding behind his devil mask.

It occurs to me he’s wearing the mask to hide. I block the thought out of my mind… send it to the dark recesses where I’ll never have to confront it again. I’m the cool cousin. At one time I was the girl everyone wanted to be.

It doesn’t take long for Ian and I to be the only ones left in the stands. He sends text messages on his phone. I can tell he secretly wishes for an escape. Every few seconds the phone buzzes, the screen illuminates, he laughs and his fingers fly across the letters.

I look down to the concession stand. A line wraps around the building. My fingers are frozen. Families carry hot chocolate. I can see the steam from my place in the stands. It floats in the air, fighting away the cold.

I turn to Ian. His eyes are still glued to his iPhone. “I’m going to get some hot chocolate. Do you want some?”

He looks up and it takes a moment for his pupils to focus. “Um… no. You’re getting up?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to look for my friends, do you mind?”

I shake my head. I don’t need to monopolize his time. “Go ahead. I’ll meet you back here after half time.”

He jumps up and runs down the bleachers.

After he’s gone I look across the lines of empty metal seats. I’m freezing and the lack of body heat isn’t helping. Ice crystals drift in the air. I walk down the bleachers and push my way through the crowd of blue. My former friends mill around. They wear cut up blue t-shirts and athletic shorts with stockings. Goosebumps dot their legs. Painted devils on their faces scream school spirit! Sparkly eye shadow reflects the light.

There’s no way I can stand in line at the concession stand and make it back to my seat before the end of half time. And it’s not like I want to talk to anyone down there anyway. I want to stay hidden, invisible in the sea of school spirit.

The visitor’s concession stand is the answer. I get in line behind a couple of girls with black South Shore t-shirts. One types away on her cell phone while the other smacks her gum. They turn around and give me a suspicious look. I’m in enemy territory. At least they think I am. They have no idea I’m safer here. The gum-smacker scrunches her nose at me. What they don’t know is this is the safest place I’ve been all day.

A couple of juvenile-ish looking boys spot me on-their-side as they walk back to the bleachers. Their hands are filled with bags of popcorn. One spits at the bottom of my feet. I smile at him and wink. He stops and stares. He opens his mouth. My eyes challenge him to say something. A group of girls wearing South Shore school spirit wave at them and they walk away.

The guy working at the concession gives me a strange look when he sees me dressed in blue.

“A devil has broken ranks?”

“Long line on the other side.” I pull out my money and hand it over the counter. “Can I get a hot chocolate?”

He smiles. “Anything for the home team.”

I take my hot chocolate and the warmth melts the freeze away. My fingers thaw. The bleachers fill on the other side of the field and I push my way through the mob of blue.

Then the thunder of feet shakes the ground. Out of the corner of my eye I see the mass of uniformed testosterone. I freeze in place.

I see him before he sees me. Out of the crowd his tall, lean figure is easy to spot – Kale Fenton runs my direction. He’s coming right at me and I can’t move. My feet have frozen to the sidewalk. I’m a statue.

Our eyes meet and his pace slows. He pauses before he runs over to the end of the fence where I’m standing, breaking ranks from the team.

“What are you doing on the visitors’ side?” he asks from under his helmet. His voice is muffled and I can barely hear him from the roar of the field. The rest of the home team is practicing drills. The band played from across the field. Ra ra ra! Go home team!

“There was a long line on our side. I just wanted something to drink.”

He looks over his shoulder as the Blue Devils gather on the opposite side of the field. No one can hear us. He comes closer to the fence. “There’s a party after the game tonight. You should come. It’s been a long time since we hung out.”

I shake my head. I can see his eyes searching my face. I look past him towards the football team on the field. Last year my answer would’ve been different. Last year everything was different. But this year I have to give my fifteen-year-old cousin and his friends a ride home after the game and I told Mom I’d be home by 11:00.

“I’m sorry, I can’t go.”

He pauses. I feel my heart beat against my chest. The thumping is like a drum in my ear. It drowns out the roar of the crowd. The universe slips away. I skip a breath. My heart breaks into a million little broken frozen pieces. They’ll melt before anyone can fix them.

Then the game is ready to start. “Maybe another time.” He runs to the sideline to join the team leaving me alone.

I watch him go. My heart drips into the cracks on the sidewalk as he leaves.

Chapter Nine

Mom loves holidays. Holidays are Mom’s opportunity to show her achievements as the world’s-greatest-mother!

For Mom’s latest trick we’re celebrating Halloween! Mom bought Cody a pirate costume. She hung it from the coat rack where every day it met me at the door when I came home from school.

Then she put cobwebs on all our trees and a couple of Styrofoam headstones in our yard. Next went the ghost in a tree. Then up went the orange lights. A bowl of candy sat by the front door two days before Halloween. Mom lit the pumpkins each night. She was like the Dia de Muerte version of Martha Stewart.

But Cody never touched his pirate costume.

And that’s the kind of thing that breaks Mom’s heart. Like she hadn’t had enough of that lately.

“I don’t want to be a pirate…” he whines across the table on Halloween morning while

Mom’s in her room getting ready for work.

“Why?”

“Pirates are stupid. I want to be an iPhone.”

I shove a spoonful of Rice Krispies in my mouth. The puffed rice crackles and pops against my tongue. Just like the commercial. I have a vision of three little elf-men dancing around in my mouth. “How are you going to be an iPhone?”

Cody looks at me like I’ve grown a third eye. “I’m going to cut arms in a box and draw the apps on the front. I’m even going to record some phone conversations so it sounds like someone’s really talking. Do you think I can tape a conversation with you? I want something authentic.”

I lower my voice, uncertain of Mom’s whereabouts. “Mom wants you to be a pirate.”

“Pirates are for babies and old people. No one dresses like a pirate anymore. I hate that stupid costume.”

“Yeah, but do you think an iPhone is better? That sounds stupid if you ask me.”

“No, it will be cool if you help me record a conversation. Maybe you could even call Chloe and let me record the two of you talking. That way it’d be really authentic. Chloe’s a real jabber-mouth.”

“I don’t know, bud… I think Mom’s going to be really mad if you don’t dress up in your pirate costume. She’s pretty excited about Halloween this year.”

“She’s acting weird. Ever since you and Chloe got in trouble at school, she’s been acting all different.”

The sound of footsteps walking down the hall ends our conversation. Mom swoops in wearing a pastel blue suit. She looks like an Easter egg. Like she got her holidays all mixed up.

“There’s my little pirate.” She walks over and kisses Cody on the forehead. I shove another spoonful of cereal in my mouth. The Krispies explode on my tongue. “Beckett, we haven’t talked about what you want to be for Halloween. Are you dressing up this year?”

I shrug my shoulders.  Yeah, right… That’s what I’ll do. Like I have a multitude of party invitations.

“I’m too old.”

“You could be a Blackberry and I’ll be an iPhone and we can talk to each other. You can take me trick-or-treating. Will you do that?”

I scrunch my face at Cody. “A Blackberry?”

“Yeah, you know, iPhone’s competitor? We can talk while we’re walking. We can even drop calls. It will be super cool.”

“Can’t you just get one of your friends to go with you?”

Cody lowers his head and the room goes silent. I killed the conversation.

“Well?”

Cody won’t look up. This is how he gets his way and he knows it.

“You know,” Mom interrupts, “it would be nice if you didn’t already have plans to take your brother. He won’t be trick-or-treating much longer and I could stay here and pass out the candy. You could even invite Chloe if you wanted.”

Great, what a blast – hanging with the fam on Halloween. Wonderful.

“Um…. Okay, sure.”

“But I don’t want to be a pirate!” Cody spits out a mouth full of cereal. The pieces shower the table.

“Fine, be whatever you want for Halloween. I’ll dress up as a pirate!” And we can tell by her tone that the morning conversation is done.

***

On Halloween night Chloe shows up as a pirate. She heard my mom was bummed out over the whole iPhone/Blackberry thing and thought it would appease her if someone joined her pirate ship. But when I answer the door she’s wearing a bustier, hot pants, and a cloak with an eye patch. She carries a long plastic knife in her hand. She has on some kind of push-up bra and her breasts spill over the top of the bustier. I want to hand her a coat, or a blanket – anything to cover the flash of skin. Her outfit is a stark contrast to my cardboard box with buttons drawn on the front.

“Got you!” She jabs at me with the plastic knife but it just bounces off the cardboard. The edge scrapes my arm. After a few tries she stops and looks at me for the first time before she bursts out laughing. “Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Yep.”

“What are you?”

“A Blackberry.”

“But I thought you were going to dress up as a pirate.” She walks around me, looking at the box Cody and I put together. “You don’t look like a Blackberry.”

“The phone, not the fruit.”

“I didn’t know they made phones with buttons anymore…”

“It’s a business phone and Cody’s an iPhone. He thinks we’ll be able to talk as we’re walking around the neighborhood.”

“Oh…” Chloe looks around. “Is your mom here? I want to show her my outfit.”

I can’t believe she wants to show off her outfit to my mom. All I want to do is throw a blanket over her – hide all the bare flesh peeking out from her attempt at a buccaneer.

Mom’s voice drifts in. “I’m in the kitchen Chloe. Why don’t you come on in and show me your costume? I’m glad someone had the good sense to dress up as something other than a dull electronic device.”

Chloe smiles. She loves the attention she gets from my mom. My mom’s a Mother of the Year wannabe and Chloe’s mom has a record with CPS.

Chloe heads into the kitchen to meet my mom before I have a chance to cover her up.

In the kitchen Mom’s making sugar cookies shaped as pumpkins. A bowl of orange frosting sits on the counter. Mom’s wrapping the cookies in plastic bags to hand out to trick-or-treaters. She’s in denial over the fact kids’ parents won’t let them eat anything homemade.

Mom turns towards us and Cody sticks his finger in the frosting. She’s wearing a long sleeve white blouse, black pants, and a black eye patch. It’s winter wherever Mom’s pirate lives.

Mom examines Chloe and I can read her mind. It’s like the words are making their way into my head through telepathy. She doesn’t have to say it. Cody says it for her.

“I can see your boobies,” Cody says through a mouthful of orange frosting.

“Cody! That’s enough! Apologize to Chloe!”

Chloe looks down and pulls the cape over her body. She looks like one of those girls who dance on the bar at a club. Maybe it would be an okay costume for a party minus parental supervision – but we weren’t invited to any of those parties. We’re hanging out with my eight-year-old brother and that makes it totally different.

“Chloe, you look nice: very pirate-ish,” Mom composes herself.

“Thanks, Mrs. Smith.”

Silence takes over the room. The orange sugar blobs sit on the counter.

Mom claps her hands together and returns back to the pumpkins. “Okay then, let’s finish making these cookies!”

***

Thirty minutes later Cody’s buzzing around the room with orange frosting stained lips. Mom lights the candles in the pumpkins that sit on the porch. Out the window the first of the trick-or-treaters begin making their way around the neighborhood. Miniature ghosts and characters from Pixar films walk down the driveway. I feel weird in my cardboard costume.

I don’t know how I got myself stuck in this pathetic life.

The doorbell rings and mom rushes to the door. At the doorway is a knee-high dinosaur. Mom hands him candy and rejoins us in the kitchen.

She looks at her watch and shakes her head. “I don’t know where your father went off to. I thought he’d be home by now.”

Chloe stares at the floor. The mention of Dad’s name has killed the room. Dad doesn’t like Chloe and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even like me.

“I want to go trick-or-treating!” Cody, the cardboard iPhone stomps his foot on the floor. “Can Beckett and Chloe take me now?”

“Okay, sure, but just around the block. Don’t get too far from the house, and watch for cars.”

“Great! Let me get my iPhone case for my candy!” Cody runs off.

***

The streets are filled with goblins, witches, Star Wars characters, Disney princesses…

Cody maneuvers his cardboard box costume through the crowds of kids holding plastic pumpkins. Parents follow behind. It’s like Chloe and I are the only high school kids out in the mess of three feet tall kids being supervised by their parents.

It totally sucks being a social outcast. Everyone was talking about Court’s party at school. The perfect opportunity for girls to dress up in slutty costumes – the perfect place for Chloe’s pirate costume.

But Chloe doesn’t seem to mind. She walks in front of me, chattering with Cody. She smiles at a miniature witch. Chloe’s an only child. I’m sure it’s been forever since she’s been out trick-or-treating.

Cody is focused. He’s in the zone, intent on hitting every house on the block. Then the block extends outside the neighborhood. We keep walking. My legs hurt the way they do when I’d rather be doing anything else. I’m in a time warp of boredom.  Cody’s plastic bag’s weighted down with Snickers and Smarties. We follow him down the sidewalk to the tune of “Just one more house. Just one more house.”

I’m freezing, stuck in some kind slow moving time sequence. I can’t take one more “Trick or treat.” The crowds have thinned on the sidewalk and I’m sure Mom’s worried. Cody has enough sugar in his bag to send him bouncing off the walls for weeks.

“Hey Cody, we need to go home. Mom’s probably dialing 911 right now.”

“Just one more house.” He heads up the stairs to a house with its porch lights on and a loan angry pumpkin glaring at us from the porch.

“You’ve been saying that all night. I’m sure Mom’s worried. We need to go back home.”

“Last house, I promise!” He’s already halfway up the stairs to the front door. We follow behind and I shiver against the chill.

Cody knocks on the door and we wait. My body shakes. Even Chloe looks like she’s had enough of the night. Nobody comes to the door. A dog barks from behind the house – an angry warning to leave – and my heart beats against my chest.

We should have listened to the dog.

A man with vampire teeth and fake blood dripping from his mouth opens the door. He looks about thirty. There’s a beer in his hand. When he sees us his face breaks into a smile.

I want to run.

“Trick-or-treat,” Cody squeaks. The enthusiasm is gone from his voice.

“Oh, yeah…” The guy turns around and grabs a bag of candy. He takes out a handful and puts it in Cody’s out-reached bag.

“Thanks,” Cody says as he turns around to leave.

The guy shifts his attention to us.

“Hey.” His eyes focus on Chloe’s chest leaving the rest of us invisible. “You girls want to come in for a drink? I’ve got a cooler of beer inside.”

I grab Cody’s hand. The dog from the backyard howls in the background. “No thanks.”

“Aw… come on.” His attention’s on Chloe. “You look like the kind of girl who likes to party. Come on in.” He opens the door and motions into the house. A sunken yellow couch sits in the middle of beer cans and tattered magazines. The smell of pot floats out the door.

“We have to go.” I pull Chloe’s arm, but she doesn’t budge. It’s like she’s glued to the floor.

Does she want to go in?

“Why the party-pooper?” He leers at me. “You could just take your little guy home and your friend can come inside. We’ll get our party on, we’ll…” He does a pelvic thrust and my mouth fills with acid. “You know, we’ll get it on.”

Chloe snaps out of her trance. She hurries down the steps, like she just remembered some place she needs to go. “I need to leave.”

“You sure? Come on in girls, I’ll show you a good time. The little guy can watch cartoons or something.”

“No thanks,” I call behind me as I rush down the stairs behind Chloe.

“Nice tits,” the guy yells after us as we leave. “I’d like to stick my face in those.”

We walk faster. Once we get to the sidewalk, we run.

***

None of us speak on the walk home. Chloe clutches her arms around her body. She’s shivering and her exposed skin is covered with goose bumps. Cody walks the fastest of all of us. Trick-or-treating is forgotten. The sidewalks are mostly empty of ghosts and goblins. We have over-stayed our welcome on Hollow’s Eve.

We arrive home and Cody makes a beeline to his room. Mom is in the kitchen wrapping up the remaining Halloween cookies.

Mom turns to us when we walk in the door. “Oh dear,” she says, “I’ve set aside a bag of cookies of for you and your mom Chloe.” She pushes a bag of cookies her direction.

“Thanks, Mrs. Smith,”

Mom gives us a bright smile. She’s always the cheery one. “Did you girls have fun?”

“A blast,” I say.

Mom gives me one of her looks. “Did Cody have fun? Did he get a lot of candy?”

“Yep.”

“Well then…” Mom places her hands on her hips. Her eyes go back and forth between Chloe and I like she’s watching a tennis match.

“I need to go home. My mom’s waiting for me and…”

“Okay, sure dear, tell your mom ‘hi’, make sure to share some of those cookies.”

“I will, Mrs. Smith. Thanks for having me.”

Chloe walks out the door. Once she’s gone I hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

It’s Dad. “Have a good time?”

He changed from his work suit and is wearing workout clothes. Beads of sweat drip from his forehead. It’s like the day isn’t a holiday that his only son anticipates all year.

Like he didn’t even have a family.

“We did, Dad.” I walk past him and head upstairs to my bedroom. For me, Halloween is over.

Chapter Ten

Halloween sent Chloe into a funk. She spent lunch staring at her food and History class out in her car listening to the radio.

When I walk out of History class Chloe’s standing by her locker, staring at her cell phone. Cell phones are what got us in trouble in the first place.

She doesn’t look up. She still has black smudges around her eyes from her pirate costume and dark pink rouge covering her cheeks. She smells like she needs a bar of deodorant.

“Why won’t people just leave me alone,” she mutters as I approach. I can’t tell if she’s talking to me or the wall.

“What’s up? Did you get another text?”

Her eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know who’s sending these…” A single drop trickles down her face, drawing a line through her day old makeup. The backdrop of laughter and voices – students rushing to class without a worry in the world – are a million miles away. “I tried to find out who this number belonged to and it goes straight to voicemail.”

“Why don’t you call the police or tell Principal Davis?”

“And get in more trouble? Get harassed more than I already am?” She shakes her head. “I want to disappear. I want to leave this school and never come back.”

“But if you don’t do anything…”

“But what if I do? Even if the person who’s sending them gets in trouble he’ll still have friends, and they have friends and girlfriends. I’m not saying anything. I can’t take this anymore.”

I open my locker and grab my Lit book. I can’t be late for any more classes. “What’s the message say?” The last of the students rush past.

She flips the phone around and shows me the display. At first I’m confused. I move closer to examine the image. I don’t know whether to laugh, scream, or run away. It’s a picture of a penis with words typed underneath. I step closer to read the words on the screen. Chloe’s hand shakes as she holds the phone. The words bounce up and down.

Suck this, whore.

It takes me a minute. “I’m sure it’s just a stupid prank. Maybe you should change your number though, just to stop this from happening.”

“And say they’ve won?” She turns off the power on her phone and puts it in her backpack. “No way.”

The second bell rings and the halls clear out. “Hey, I have to go. You really should rethink changing your number.”

“Never,” she calls out behind me.

***

Chloe’s attention returned back to the bridge. We drive down the 99. I sit in the passenger seat watching headlights pass by in silence. She parks in a deserted lot and I follow her down the cracked sidewalk that’s long past needing repair. We aren’t going up to the pedestrian walkway this time. We’re walking underneath the bridge – which is a total relief.

“We’re walking past where people took their last breaths.” She says it more to herself than me.

I don’t know why I came with Chloe here. “I think it’s morbid.”

“Everyone’s life ends. There’s nothing morbid about it. When it’s your time, you might as well go out in a flourish.”

A car passes by and the lights illuminate McDonald’s wrappers and Styrofoam cups strewn along the road. I can think of much better places to take my last breaths than a garbage dump next to a lake.

We walk under the bridge to where it ends. It’s dark and rain drips from the sky. Traffic passes by providing enough light to see this isn’t the best place on earth. I follow through the path of garbage.

“Let’s check out the troll.”

Rumor is the eighteen-foot troll eats anyone who gets to close. Chloe must not have heard about this rumor, because she’s heading straight for him.

The Freemont troll is a sculpture constructed under the bridge that keeps watch over the jumpers. The troll has a hubcap for an eye and a giant outstretched hand crushing a VW bug. He’s just sitting there, hoping no one jumps.

She climbs up on his hand and sits down. I follow behind and join her. The rush of traffic shakes the bridge over our heads. The noise rattles. If an earthquake happened I’m not sure I’d even notice.

Chloe pulls out a cigarette. She lights the end and it glows. The wind blows and takes the embers with it. The smell under the bridge is all must and rotted food with a hint of smoke. She offers me a cigarette and I shake my head.

“I can’t go back to North Lake,” Chloe says through the haze. “I hate that place. What happens if I don’t graduate from high school?”

I pull the hood of my sweatshirt tight over my head. The wind blows through the cracks in the side, whistling past my ears. I cover my ears with my hands to try to warm them up. “You won’t be able to get a job. If you don’t graduate from high school your life will totally suck. You should just stick it out. Once you graduate you won’t have to talk to any of those North Lake morons again.”

She inhales and the end of the cigarette glows bright. Embers blow sideways into my face. She tucks a strand of dirty blonde hair behind her ear. “I hate that place.” She exhales and the smoke drifts into my face. “It’s how people end up in a place like this… they can’t take it anymore and they jump.”

The words sit in the air, weighing it down. I want to say something but whatever I say I know will be wrong.

“What are you girls doing in my house?” growls the troll.

I jump and Chloe drops her cigarette. It falls into an old puddle of water and dies with a hiss. I stand up and look around. It’s not the troll. It’s a guy with a shopping cart and a head full of crazy hair.

And he doesn’t look happy to see us.

I jump off the troll’s hand, but Chloe doesn’t look as worried. She stands up. A car passes and lights up the troll and the three lost people standing next to it.

“What are you doing here? Get out of my house. Get lost. Are you a spy?”

I start back towards the sidewalk. “We were just leaving.”

Chloe doesn’t follow.

“This is a public place. The troll is a public arts project. Anybody can come here. You can’t make us leave.”

“Chloe, let’s go.” I’m ready to leave. It’s cold, dark, and creepy. I just want to get out of here.

“Are you one of them?” the guy asks. He takes a step closer to Chloe. It’s Chloe he’s talking to.

“What do you mean?”

“A jumper… You look like a jumper. You’re not thinking of jumping are you?”

Another car passes by. The headlights turn the spot under the bridge into daytime for a few seconds. “No… I mean… I dunno. Not right now.”

The guy takes another step closer. He’s wearing jeans filled with holes and a North Face jacket that looks brand new. His shopping cart is filled with rolled up blankets and empty cans. He’s got a glass eye. But it’s not a good one that looks real. It’s not even the right color. I can tell it’s fake because he’s not looking at us with it. His bad eye is in a total different dimension. It’s so blue it almost looks silver.

Like a hubcap.

“You don’t want to jump lady. I’ve seen what it looks like after. It’s not the way to go.”

Chloe hesitates, like she doesn’t know what to say. The whole thing is creeping me out. Why does this guy think Chloe would jump?

“She’s not going to.” But my voice is unsure. I want to get out of here. I never wanted to come here to begin with.

He keeps moving closer and I can tell he doesn’t have access to a shower. “Get out of my house. Leave. You shouldn’t be down here.’

Chloe opens her mouth.

Nothing comes out.

“Okay, we’re going,” I say. I take a few steps back but Chloe doesn’t move. “Chloe… come on, we need to leave. It’s almost curfew anyway.” She’s like a frozen statue. “Chloe?” I yell it this time and she jumps. It’s almost like she just now remembers I’m there.

“Sure… let’s go. I don’t want you to be late.”

“You’ll be back,” the guy calls after us as we walk away. “I’ll know you’ll be back.”

Neither Chloe nor I say a word.

Chapter Eleven

Jennie’s the first to break ranks. I’m in line for lunch and she’s standing behind me. Every part of me wants my life to go back just the way it used to be. To just be friends with everyone at school like before and leave all the drama behind. I can’t take any more late nights at the bridge. It’s too weird. I want to block it out of my mind as if it doesn’t exist.

I know Jennie’s behind me. I’m invisible and totally obvious at the same time. I stare straight ahead at the lady with a hair net covering her hair and splashes of other students’ lunches on the front of her shirt. She’s practically breathing down my neck as lunch surprise is thrown on my tray. At first I think it’s a fluke. I mean, why would Jennie come anywhere near North Lake’s Pariah of the Year?

I get my lunch of beef stew and fake potatoes. My eyes nonchalantly scan the cafeteria for an empty spot. Chloe’s nowhere to be found. Which is good. The whole thing with the bridge is creeping me out. I need a break from the bridge and the drama and her obsession with leaving North Lake and death.

Towards the back of the room I spot a table of Star Trek geeks. Wherever there are Star Trek geeks, Ian can’t be far away. I head their direction. I have to sit down to eat.

“Beckett?”

I turn towards the voice. It’s Queen Senior holding her tray. If my name were more common I would have thought she was speaking to someone else. She walks towards me. Jennie and I used to hang out all the time. She’d come to my house on the weekends and we’d watch old eighties movies from Mom’s collection. But since the Incident we haven’t spoken. I swear her hands are shaking as she holds her tray.

“Yeah?”

She looks around and I look over my shoulder to see what’s going on. When I look back it occurs to me she’s looking for Chloe. “I…” Her eyes scan the cafeteria until she’s satisfied its safe. “What’s new?”

“With me?”

She laughs. Students walk past us. A couple of guys look our way. “Yeah, who else?”

“Um... Nothing really.”

“Oh... How’re your classes going?”

“Good. Well… not really. You know how it is.”

Jennie nods towards her regular table. It has a couple of empty seats. It’s a place to sit. “Want to join me? It’s been awhile. We should catch up.”

I look around for Ashton Kutcher. Am I being punk’ed? Is this all a big fat joke? But I’m sure he wouldn’t come to North Lake. And I’m not Justin Timberlake.

“Okay…”

Her face brightens. It reminds me of the way things used to be and for a minute I feel like I walked into a parallel universe. A universe where everything is A-Okay!

“Great! You wouldn’t believe how crazy cheer’s been this year. I had to learn a bunch of new chants at camp. Nina Fields was supposed to come to camp but she got sick right before we were supposed to leave so I had to take all the notes on my own. We miss you.”

Did she just say she misses me?

I take a seat. I feel eyes watching us. It’s weird sitting across from Jennie. But it’s nice doing something that’s not wrapped up in Chloe’s issues, to be stuck living life outside the circle.

“The team looked great at the pep-rally,” I offer.

Her face lights up. “You think so? We’ve been doing double practice, before and after school. It’s been so much work. Some days I wish I hadn’t tried out this year. It would be nice just be able to hang out after school and not always be practicing something. You must have so much more spare time.”

I shrug. I have tons of spare time to sit in my room and do nothing. All I ever do is listen to my parents fight and hang out with my only friend who sent me into the world of social abyss.

I never thought of it like that: how much effort cheer was, always having to look perfect, to stay out of trouble, how much work it was.

Emma Chen bounces over to our table. Emma’s one of Jennie’s best friends. I swear she’s also the happiest person on earth. I wonder if I sit close enough to her some of the rainbow dust will brush off.

“Hi, Beckett!” She smiles at me and sits down like there’s nothing wrong with the fact I’m sitting at their table. Could it really be this easy? Could I have been sitting here the whole time? “Anyone want my apple?”

“Pass,” Jennie says before taking a bite of her sandwich.

“Really?” Emma holds it up so everyone gets a chance to claim her round circle of fruit. There are no takers.

Then silence falls over the table. Jennie picks at a salad, afraid a carbohydrate will send cellulite to her thighs for the whole school to view during the next game. I eat my white bread, whole mayonnaise sandwich.

***

Mr. Andrews has a great deal of concern about global warming. While other science classes are learning about anatomy and the effects of temperature on water Mr. Andrews makes us watch An Inconvenient Truth and pick a place in the world affected by rising temperatures.

I choose the Great Barrier Reef. Did you know the rise in temperatures is killing the coral reefs?

Tragic.

Each student has to research temperature changes throughout the globe and discuss the catastrophic effect that temperature changes have on earth.

Scary stuff. It makes me wonder about college. I mean – do I really need to go through all of this if we’re all going to burn to death? The earth will get too hot and humans will be riddled by disease and we’ll all die. It makes me question the whole point of everything.

Why are we all here? What’s the point?

I’m pretty sure Mr. Andrews is on the same page as me. He seems really depressed every time he lectures about the end of the world. I sit in a seat by the window while he talks about melting glaciers and starving polar bears. From my window seat I notice the leaves are changing color. I wonder if it’s my imagination they’re changing earlier this year.

Maybe it’s already happening.

“Class, did you know if the earth keeps warming at the current rate then life as we know it will end?”

I glance over my shoulder at the football players in the back of the room. Matt Lyons grabs his crotch under the table and starts to rub. No one says a word. I feel my skin burn and hurriedly turn back to Mr. Andrew’s speech.

“What happens if the earth gets too hot?” It’s Jared in the back of the room. I turn and look at him – his eyes look huge behind his coke-bottle glasses; like giant marbles.

Mr. Andrews looks around the room, his face full of concern. “The earth will get hotter. The first thing you’ll notice are more insects. They’ll be everywhere. You won’t be able to go to the beach without being stung by jellyfish. Jellyfish carcasses will cover the sand, making it impossible to get close to the water. Disease will spread throughout the world. Pharmaceutical companies will rush to make cures for new diseases. Water levels will rise. Beach communities will go under water. Want to live in Manhattan? Forget about it, the whole island will be under water. So will low level islands. The world will change folks. It will change and it won’t be possible to change it back. It will too late.”

I look back over my shoulder at Jared. His eyes aren’t just marbles: they’re two silver dollars. He holds his pencil still in his hand. The classroom is silent. I look out the window at the trees turning color for fall.

Then the bell rings and everyone scurries out of the classroom.

***

After last bell I wait by my locker for Chloe. I only have five minutes until I have to catch the bus.

Seconds tick by. I haven’t seen Chloe all day. She wasn’t in the cafeteria and I never saw her in the hallways. I keep looking up and down the halls. But they’re emptier by the second. I pull out my cell phone and send her a text.

Where r u?

A few seconds later I have a response.

With Hannah Sachs.

Hannah? Why is Chloe hanging out with Hannah when she’s supposed to give me a ride home?

I’m @ school, r u coming back?

No.

K, I’ll catch the bus.

See u tomorrow.

I shove the phone in my backpack and head outside. The buses are getting ready to pull away when I open the doors. It’s so lame, being one of the only seniors who rides the bus to school. When my bus goes to close the door, I start to run.

Chapter Twelve

When I get home I log into Facebook. No new friend requests. But Chloe has a new friend: Chloe Baker and Hannah Sachs are now friends stares at me front and center of my computer screen.

I click Chloe’s page. Most of our friends used to be the same. But that’s changing. Every day it seems like she’s adding someone I barely know. And lots of my friends are no longer on her list. It’s like we’re drifting farther apart.

She also has some new pictures. There’s a picture of her and Hannah sitting on the dock out at the lake. In the background are a couple of guys I don’t recognize. They’re just shadows in the background.

I visit her wall to leave a message. Just because things are weird at school doesn’t mean it has to affect our friendship.

We have been best friends forever after all.

The messages on Chloe’s wall jump out at me.

Whore.

Slut.

Love your boobs, let’s hook up some time.

I stare at the words on the page. Why hasn’t Chloe mentioned this? Why hasn’t she removed the taunts from her page where any of her friends can see the messages?

I start typing in the box at the top of the screen:

Hey, Chloe, let’s get together soon. Miss you.

Senior year sucks so bad. I hate how people act towards us. Chloe hasn’t done anything to deserve this harassment.

I miss our friendship and the way things used to be. All I want to do is go back in time and never go to Josh’s lame party.

I turn off my computer and lay on my bed. I’ve been sleeping in the same room since third grade. A lot of times I still feel like a little kid. I can’t wait to go away to college and escape the prison of my life.

I grab my cell and dial Chloe’s number. The phone ring and rings. The ringing stops and her voice sing songs on her voicemail. I can’t think of anything to say so I don’t leave a message.

Chapter Thirteen

Chloe’s dad used to hang lights on the tall evergreens in front of Chloe’s house. Her family used to inflate those ugly snowmen that always blew over in a storm. Her house was always so… festive. But now I’m sitting out front of her house in my car looking at the dark residence, thinking back to happier times. Chloe’s house was once featured in the Santa Lights tour. Families used to drive by her house, kids with their noses pressed against the windows. Chloe’s dad had a whole family of inflatable elves. A giant Santa sat outside her house and waved to visitors. But this year is a stark contrast: the house is dark. It’s the only house on the block without lights.

Like it’s trying to hide.

I step out of the car and walk up to the door. Chloe’s dog used to always bark if you even got close to the door. I wait for the bark, but the house is silent.

Then I remember her dad took the dog.

I stand outside the doorway waiting for the sound of footsteps. Chloe usually looks for me outside her window. I never have to knock. But the house is silent.

Things have changed so much between the two of us. Part of me wants to make a clean break and part of me wants to at least try to save our friendship. Sometimes I question whether it’s even worth trying.

I ring the doorbell.

The wind blows my hair and I pull it to the side. Rain beats against my face. I ring the doorbell again. The curls I spent all morning carefully twisting with a curling iron begin to loosen. Is she torturing me? Paying me back for the demise of our friendship?

Finally, I hear footsteps and then the door cracks open. She’s wearing sweatpants. Her hair is soaking wet, like she just jumped out of the shower.

At 6:00 PM.

“Sorry, something came up. Do you want to come in? I’ll dry my hair fast so we can go.”

I follow her into the house. Boxes scatter the floor. A stack of books sits in the entryway, a clothesbasket of men’s sweaters. I walk past a maze of men’s shoes. The floor’s covered with mud. Everyone seems to be missing.

“Are you here by yourself?” I ask while I follow her up the stairs.

“Yeah, Mom went out with her co-workers and Dad’s in his new apartment, so I’m by myself. Lucky me.”

At least I’m not the only person whose parents hate each other.

She swings open the door to her room. Her bed’s stacked with clothes – like all her clothes. Sweaters, blouses, jeans; everything from her closet is lying on her bed. Her room is like the day after Thanksgiving at a two-hour sale.

“Why are all your clothes on the bed?”

Her brow furrows and she turns to look at the pile of mess, like she’s just noticing the disarray in her room for the first time. “Mom’s behind on laundry.”

“But you can do laundry.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Can you even tell what’s clean on your bed?” I pick up a sweater. “Is this clean or dirty?”

She walks over to where I’m standing. It’s like a game show. “Um…” She takes the sweater out of my hand and twirls it around. “Dirty… I wore this to school the other day and spilt grape soda on it: there’s the stain.” She points to a dark spot on the sweater. “Ugh, I need Mom to put some stain cleaner on it.”

“Maybe you should clean your room.”

She looks around, like she’s taking in her surroundings for the first time. “You really think it’s that bad?”

I point to a pile of food-crusted plates on her desk. They’re sitting on top of her Calc book for school. No wonder she’s having trouble in school: her books have morphed into food trays. “Yeah, I think it’s that bad. It’s gross.”

Her shoulders slump and she pushes a couple of sweaters aside so she can sit on the edge of her bed. “Fine, if my room’s so gross I’ll just stay home and clean it. It’s not like we ever get together and hang out anymore anyway.”

“Chloe, come on, that’s not what I meant. It’s just… that… I don’t know. How can you even sleep in here? There’s stuff everywhere!”

“I don’t know. I slept on the couch the other night.”

“What’s your mom think about you sleeping on the couch?”

She shrugs her shoulders and stares at the floor. “She’s been out with her friends. I don’t like sleeping up here by myself. Downstairs I can turn the TV on.”

Chloe gets up and starts folding sweaters in a pile. I join her, hanging shirts that look clean, folding sweaters, setting aside clothes that need to be washed. Neither one of us talk.

Thirty minutes later we have the bed cleaned off with the exception of the pile of suspect clothes I created.

I point to the pile. “Are these clean or dirty?”

Chloe walks to my side of the bed and picks up a blouse she wore the day before. There’s a brown stain on the front. “I think dirty, I can’t tell, I’ll throw them in the clothes hamper.” She grabs the pile.

“Why not just throw them in the washing machine?”

Chloe looks at me like I grew a third eye. “My mom can wash it later.”

“Yeah…” I examine the debris-strewn room. “But if she’s not ever home, why not just do it yourself?”

“Because I don’t want to, it’s a total mess.”

“Nobody ever wants to, but if it needs to get done, then someone has to do it.”

Chloe bends down and grabs a pile of clothes. Sweaters fall to the ground and she reaches down to pick them up. “Fine, I’ll throw them in the wash. But then can we go? It’s getting late and I want to get out of here.”

“Okay, fine, let’s get out of here.”

***

Red Robin is packed when we arrive. It’s the only place to go if you are underage without a fake ID. We wait in the lobby watching groups be seated. I wish we were old enough for the bar. The bar could save us the embarrassment of being the only teenagers not in the restaurant with a big group of friends.

The door opens and a cold wind blows in, freezing my bones. I pull my coat tighter around my body. Guys in familiar blue coats enter the lobby. It’s the football team. My heart drops.

“Beckett Smith?”

The hostess smiles at me. I grab Chloe’s arm and pull her up. I want to get out of the lobby before Kale’s friends see me.

We follow the hostess past tables of families with screaming kids and couples on dates. The TVs behind the bar play basketball games. A group of guys erupt in screams and high-fives. The hostess points us to a seat in the back of the restaurant. For a minute I think Chloe is going to protest. We came out to be seen after all, but I head her off: seeing Kale and his friends makes me heart skip a beat.

“Thanks.” I smile at the hostess and sit down.

Chloe’s mouth opens and shuts. She gets into the booth across from me. The hostess places the menus in front of us and walks away. “Why are we sitting back here? Nothing goes on in the back of the restaurant. We should ask to move to the front.”

I shake my head. “No, we can’t.” I wave my arm in the air, careful to not turn around where everyone can see me. “Look how busy it is in here. Where would we sit anyway?”

Chloe looks around the room and I pretend to examine the menu. “Over there’s an empty table.” She stands up like she’s going to grab the hostess. But before she can move, she sits back down like she saw a ghost. “Okay, never mind. You’re right, it is really busy in here today.”

The guys are seated and Kale looks our direction. He looks flustered and turns away, as if he hasn’t seen me. I’m frozen. I look across the table and see I’m not the only person who can’t move. Only we’re frozen for opposite reasons.

Chloe turns red. She holds up the menu to her face and disappears.

***

Fifteen minutes later the burgers are in front of us. I try not to keep looking over at Kale.

The blue-coated guys laugh in the background. The laughter is loud enough to reach across the bustling restaurant. I’m sure they’re laughing at us. Isn’t everyone? The sound makes Chloe cringe.

Suddenly she gets up. “I need to use the restroom.”

“Really? You want me to come with you?”

“No, I’ll be right back.”

Instead of walking past Kale’s table she walks back towards the bar, loops around the front of the restaurant with her head down. I watch her walk into the bathroom. When she’s gone I glance at Kale.

He gets up and walks my direction. A wave of nausea hits me. Maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea.

He smiles when he gets to our table.  “Hey, what’s going on?”

The heat rises to my face. I cast a nervous glance back at the restroom. I don’t want Chloe to see Kale and I talking. “Having dinner with Chloe.”

“You still hanging out with her?”

“We’ve been friends since second grade.”

“She’s doesn’t like me.” He sits down across from me. He’s wearing a blue, long sleeve button down shirt that matches his eyes. His broad shoulders block out the view of the restroom. For a moment I forget it’s Chloe I came to the restaurant with and not him. His eyes smile at me. “What are you doing later?”

I shrug. “Hanging with Chloe.”

“We’re going to a party later. You should stop by.”

“I…” My skin tingles at the idea of spending time with Kale. I want a second chance. I can’t believe how much I miss him. But I promised Chloe we’d hang. And I owe it to her to be a better friend. “I wish I could…”

“Why not? You never come to any parties. We never hang out anymore.”

“I wonder why…”

He pauses like he wants to say something else, but the words are stuck on the edge of his tongue. “Maybe you should find some new friends. Chloe’s ruining your senior year.”

“She’s not ruining my year…”

“You don’t have to defend her you know.”

“Hey…”

We both look up to see Chloe. She looks at me, her eyes wide with disbelief. I look back at Kale. Kale stands up. “Nice talking to you.” He passes Chloe without saying a word.

Chloe’s eyes burn a hole in his back. She sits down and sips her diet coke. “What was he doing over here?”

“He just stopped over to say hi.”

“Did he say anything about me?”

“No.”

She looks over her shoulder towards Kale’s table. She looks angry. Like she might jump over the table and go after him. It’s not something I want to see. “Well… Let’s hurry and eat. I don’t want to be in the same room with those creeps.”

I take a bite of my hamburger, watching Kale over Chloe’s shoulder.

Chapter Fourteen

The next morning the obsession gets worse.

I’m hiding under my covers, avoiding a Sunday of too much family time when my cell phone buzzes. The buzz is a bee in my ear. I know who it is without looking at the display. Only one person would send me a text message while I’m still buried under my covers in bed. I pull the covers over my head and ignore the sound.

But my phone keeps vibrating. I squeeze my eyes shut and wish I were somewhere else. Anywhere but the life I’m stuck in.

But my phone won’t stop buzzing.

I throw off the covers and grab the phone. I have three texts.

What r u doing?

Want 2 go to the bridge?

Someone jumped.

I squint at the text. Someone jumped? What? Who jumped?

I dial her number.

“What are you doing?” She doesn’t bother to say hello.

“Sleeping. It’s Sunday morning and that’s what I do on Sunday mornings.”

“Want to go down to the Aurora Bridge?”

“Why?”

“Another person jumped.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Suicide Bridge – some kid from South Shore jumped from the bridge this morning.”

“Why would I want to go see that?”

“There won’t be anything to see. They’ll have it taken care of by the time we get there. I just want to see what it’s like…”

“It’s perverted Chloe.”

“Fine – don’t come with me. Stay in bed all day. I’ll just drive down to Seattle by myself.”

I look around my room. I’d been surrounded by the four walls too much lately. “Okay, as long as there won’t be anything to see, I’ll ride down to Seattle with you.”

***

It doesn’t turn out exactly like Chloe promised. We drive down I-5 and the weather can’t make up its mind. It rains. It’s sunny. It sprinkles and the clouds roll away. The traffic gets thicker and cars race by when we take the death exit on Denny Way and head towards the bridge.

My parents will kill me if they find I’m in Seattle with Chloe. My mom doesn’t even like driving to Seattle. There’s no way she’d let me go with someone who only had her driver’s license for one year.

We head to Highway 99 and loop down to the district of tech companies and restaurants that reside under the bridge.

The cops are still at the scene. An ambulance with flashing lights is parked next to a business. The ambulance just sits there casually, like it’s in no hurry to go.

“You said they’d be gone.”

Chloe pulls into a parking lot and turns off the engine. “I thought they would be.”

“Then what are we doing?”

“Let’s get out. It’s a public place. Anybody can be here.”

She opens the driver’s side door. I sit, glued in my seat. I can’t get out. I’ve never seen a dead body. This is such a bad idea. I wish I never came along. I’m pretty sure my best friend is losing her mind. “Chloe… I think we should go.”

She has one foot out the door. “Why?”

“Because… it’s just wrong. It’s… morbid.”
“It’s life, Beckett. Everybody dies. Some people more dramatically than others.” She swings her legs out the door and slams it behind her. The car shakes. I watch her walk towards the scene. I can’t believe what she’s doing.

My mouth fills with acid.

What if I see something? A crumpled body and a pool of blood?

I get out of the car and follow.

No one notices us. They’re too busy taking notes, measuring distances, and examining the scene. I guess it’s not unreasonable that two girls would be out walking on a Sunday afternoon. I guess it only becomes suspicious if we get close.

The body is on the sidewalk. We get near enough to see the outline underneath a white sheet. And it’s not like the body is laid flat on its back. The sheet is all lumpy and there are bumps where there shouldn’t be. It’s hard to imagine there’s a body underneath. It’s almost like a mislaid construction project. The pool of blood gives it away.

The cops notice us. Finally. I don’t want to get any closer.

“Help you ladies with anything?” He gives Chloe and I a suspicious look.

Chloe straightens up. “No. What’s going on? We’re from out of town, just wanted to get our picture taken with the Freemont Troll. We heard it was down here somewhere.”

“Well, you can’t come this way. We have the area closed off while we do an investigation. The troll’s over there, anyway. You’re going the wrong direction.”

Chloe looks over her shoulder. Like she’s seeing the area for the first time. Like a tourist. “Okay, thanks, officer. We’ll go check it out.”

The officer walks away. She waits for him to get out of earshot before she turns back to me. “Come on,” she whispers, “we can watch from the troll.”

I follow her down the sidewalk to where the officer pointed.

***

The troll is hiding in the shadows. The jumpers must have a bad effect on his psyche.

Chloe climbs up on the troll’s outstretched hand and turns her attention back to the sheet on the sidewalk. I climb up and join her. A light sprinkle starts. From the shelter of the bridge I watch the wet dots make polka dots on the sidewalk. A gust of wind pushes my hair away from my face and I pull my jacket tight around my body.

“Do you think it hurt?” Her voice is a whisper, her eyes glued to the flashing lights on the ambulance.

I shrug. “I have no idea. I don’t want to know either. There must be an easier way.”

“But think of what your last moments would be like. You’d be flying. Like you were free. You’d know in your last moments that you were breaking away. Escaping everything that sucks. You wouldn’t have long – a second or two – but that’s all you’d need. You might as well have that, if you don’t have anything else.”

Her eyes are far away – in another universe – in a place where jumping off a bridge is a totally normal thing to do. The whole conversation freaks me out. “If you really want to know what flying is like you could take sky diving lessons.”

“Not if you didn’t want to come back you wouldn’t.”

We watch the guys in white carry a stretcher to the lumpy sheet. They place the stretcher on the ground and bend down to lift the figure sprawled on the cement. An arm dangles from under the sheet. The elbow is all wrong though, like the lower part of the arm twisted away from the top. There’s a dark spot on the sidewalk where the sheet had been.

I break the silence. “He went to South Shore?”

Chloe nods. “That’s what the news said.”

“I wonder why he jumped…” It’s more just to fill the silence, something to contemplate while they load the stretcher onto the ambulance. Someone turns off the red flashing lights. The ambulance is not in a hurry. “It seems like a pretty stupid thing to do.”

“High school sucks Beckett. I mean, what are we all here for anyway? Maybe we’re the stupid ones.”

The doors to the ambulance shut and it pulls away from the curb. The cops return to their vehicles. The drizzle turns to rain, covering the sidewalk with a sheet of wet. We watch the ambulance disappear. After they’re gone, other than the wet spot left on the cement, it’s like nothing had happened at all. Like it didn’t even matter. Neither one of us says a thing.

Chapter Fifteen

Chloe’s gone. Not in the physical sense. I still see her at school. But we don’t eat lunch together anymore. And we hardly talk with the exception of the occasional ride to school. Our relationship has been weird all year. But after the last trip to the bridge, it’s like I know a secret she doesn’t want to face. And the farther away she gets, the more opportunities I have to move on with my life and try to make it normal again.

I’m sitting on my bed picking lint off my comforter. It’s 8:15; first period bell rings in ten minutes, and Chloe’s late. The sound of Mom’s heels clicking up and down the hall let me know she won’t leave home until she knows I left for school. I get up and pull back the curtains. The road in front of the house is empty. The school bus has already picked up the band geeks who have no other transport.

I know Chloe’s not coming. I don’t know why I even bother.

I walk into the kitchen. Cody’s gone, safely off to school, and Mom’s gathering her work things. A coffee mug. A handbag filled with items that have been lost inside for a year. She’s looking at her phone like she’s making sure it works.

“Mom?”

She jumps.

“Oh… hi, dear. I thought you had left. What are you still doing here?”

“I need a ride to school.”

She looks at her watch. I know it will make her late. But she doesn’t say it: I know there are a million things she wants to say to me right now. “Okay, dear, let’s go.”

***

The sidewalks outside of school are almost empty when Mom pulls up to the curb. Everyone’s inside, starting another day of education. Life’s all peaches and popsicles at North Lake High. A few strays linger outside – the stoners that spend half the time in detention and the kids whose parents sit on the school board. I open the car door and head towards school.

Mom leans her head out the window. “Bye, dear. Have a great day. Give me a call later if you need me to pick you up.”

“Okay, Mom…”

I think she’s going to roll up her window and drive away. “Becks, maybe you should try calling Chloe again to make sure she’s okay – you know, just to check on her.”

Mom’s face fills with concern. I hold my phone in my hand. I know she hasn’t texted back. I have no idea why. There’s a lifetime of friendships that has disappeared. Like a universe of time and space exists between the two of us. “Sure, if she doesn’t show up I’ll check on her.”

“Great, dear. I worry about Chloe. You should be there for her if she needs you.”

Mom pauses and then the automatic windows go up. I watch the glass partition that separates Mom and I creep up until it closes. Then she pulls away from the curb and drives away, leaving me alone with the school and everyone who loathes me.

***

By lunchtime Chloe still hasn’t shown up. I text her once to silence. I could call but I don’t.

After I get my lunch I start towards the back of the cafeteria to hide. To get away from my life and all the people who are trying to make it so much worse. Someone calls my name. I look around and spot Jen sitting with a couple of girls from the cheer squad. Jennie is wearing all blue with a sparkly devil painted on her face. Jennie is all about school spirit.

I walk up to the table. “Hey.” I hate walking around the cafeteria with my lunch tray and no place to sit. Someone might as well paint an L on my chest.

“Hi, Beckett! Are you coming to the game tonight?”

The two girls sitting with Jen look at me curiously. One of the girls is Alexa Gordon, one of Jen’s school-spirit prep friends. It’s a table full of girls who are having a totally normal senior year.

“I don’t know…”

“You should come. Toby Martin is having a party after the game. His parents went to Aruba. You never come out anymore.”

I wonder why…

“Maybe, I’ll think about it.”

“Want to sit down?” Katie moves over and makes a spot for me in the crowded cafeteria.

The spot is exactly what I need. Sitting with the girls will save me from being frozen out in the back of the cafeteria. I’m so tired of being a social outcast. I take the empty seat.

“Great, I hope you can come to the party! Everyone is dressing up in all blue for the game!”

A few minutes later Emma joins us. Excited voices swirl around me. Everyone is so happy. Senior year is perfect!

Everyone is caught up in the excitement of the game and everything else going on in the world of the perfects. It’s a nice break to be sitting in the middle of perfect.

I nod my head and take a bite of my sandwich, enjoying the conversation.

***

School ends and I’m stuck outside without a ride home. It’s not like I have a lot of options now that Chloe is MIA and my parents forgot I exist. When everyone is gone and no one is looking I walk towards the city bus stop. But instead of taking the bus I know will take me home I stop and read the bus schedule. I want to go to Chloe’s to see if she is okay, just to check up on things. A woman sits on the bench, surrounded by neatly folded blankets and bags of cans and bottles. She stares at the sidewalk and doesn’t bother to look at me as I approach. Route 3 stops a block from Chloe’s house so I sit down on a bench and wait.

 The woman starts singing Christmas songs. She has a lovely voice. She starts with Silent Night. I close my eyes and want to fall asleep. My life filled with suck drifts away.

After Silent Night she starts on Joy to the World. I remember that song from the fourth grade Christmas pageant. Chloe and I sang in the front row, both dressed as angels. The pageant seems like a lifetime ago.

A loud rumble comes down the road and the Christmas singing stops. It’s the bus that will take me to Chloe’s. I stand up and get on the bus, leaving the woman behind.

***

Chloe’s red VW bug is the only car in the driveway when I walk up to the house. My stomach does a flip and I debate heading back to the bus stop. I should just go home. If Chloe cared she would call me back or at least send me a text. It’s like there’s a wall between us and I’m the only one trying to knock it down.

I pull out my phone and sent her another text.

I’m standing outside.

Nothing.

R u home?

Still nothing.

I start towards the front door. The house is silent and still. My phone buzzes. The sound startles me.

Where?

Ur front door.

Rrrrrrrrrr…

I stand at her doorstep as the sound of footsteps approach. The door cracks open. Chloe peeks her head out.

“Can’t you take a hint?”

“I’ve been trying to reach you all day. You missed class. We had a test and it’s going to totally mess up your grade.”

She opens the door farther. She’s wearing sweatpants and a faded North Lake t-shirt from cheer the year before. Her hair’s twisted in knots. Her face is makeup-free, like she couldn’t be bothered with the extra effort. Her puffy eyes make her look tired and old. Chloe’s seventeen. Seventeen’s too young to look old.

“I’m sick,” she says as she starts towards the living room. Like that’s the answer to everything that’s gone wrong with her life.

I follow her into the house. “Sick? Really? You seemed fine yesterday.”

“Yeah… well, I’m not today.”

The boxes are still scattered around the living room. Only now there’s more. The house looks almost the same as the last time I visited. In a way, though, it looks worse. Like everything in the house is trying to escape. I squeeze my way between boxes. Chloe makes her way to the couch. She grabs a blanket and pulls it over herself. The couch is surrounded by empty cans of soda and candy wrappers. I notice a can of beer on the coffee table.

“Is this what you’ve been doing all day?”

She shrugs. “I was sleeping.”

“Does your mom know you missed school today?”

Chloe shakes her head. “No. Does she need to?”

“I guess not.”

Chloe’s good at forging her mom’s signature on everything from permission slips to absentee notes. Since Chloe got a car she barely needs her mom for anything.

“I’ve been thinking about my life. I need to come up with some sort of sickly, non-terminal disease I can suffer from through senior year. Something mysterious and incurable, but not deadly. A good reason to miss a bunch of school. I really can’t take it there anymore.”

I watch her rest her chin on her curled up legs. She needs a therapist, but I don’t say it.

“Maybe an autoimmune disorder or something like that would work. Didn’t we learn about that in health class?”

She grabs a notebook and pen off the table. “Yeah. Great idea! An autoimmune disorder. I’ll do some research.”

She replaces the pad of paper with the TV remote and flips the TV on. The end of Oprah plays in the background. Chloe pulls up her legs and rests her chin on her knees. Other than the sound of the TV the room is silent. Oprah ends her segment on Be the Best You! The evening news comes on. The headline story is a shooting outside the courthouse in downtown Seattle. I watch the day’s news pass by before I break the silence.

“Do you want to come to the game tonight?”

Chloe’s head swivels around so fast I worry her neck might snap. “You’re going to the game?”

“Yeah, I was thinking of it. I saw Jennie in the cafeteria today. She said Toby Martin is having a party after the game. We should go.”

Chloe’s face turns red. I can’t tell if she’s mad or embarrassed from being left out. “Well… one, I can’t go to the game since I skipped school today and it’s supposed to be because I’m suffering from a horrible autoimmune disorder, and two, what the hell were you doing talking to Jen?”

“I saw her in the cafeteria. She invited me to eat with her. You weren’t there so I didn’t have anyone to sit with at lunch.”

“You ate lunch with Jen?”

I look at the floor. “Yeah…”

“Since when did you start talking to her again?”

“We just ate lunch together a few times. I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not against the law! I’m allowed to have other friends!”

Chloe pulls the blanket tighter around herself and returns to flipping through the channels. I sit at the end of the couch. I want to escape and I want to talk at the same time. Neither of us says a word.

A few minutes later my phone rings. Mom’s work number illuminates the display. It’s 5:00 and that means it’s time for me to head home.

“I have to go.” I get up from the couch. I glance at Chloe. She’s wrapped up in the blanket like it’s a cocoon protecting her from the outside world. “All I wanted was to come over here and make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” she says without taking her eyes away from the TV.

“Call me this weekend if you need anything. Maybe we can get together Saturday night or something.”

“Yeah… okay… maybe.”

I shift my weight from foot to foot. When I realize she isn’t going to get up or say anything else, I walk to the door and leave.

Chapter Sixteen

If Chloe’s going to ignore me and hang out with her new friends, I might as well have some fun. It’s not like I don’t want to hang out with her. But she makes everything so… difficult. And she’s always with her new friends anyway. Plus, if I go out without her then I can hang out with the regular crowd. Without Chloe everything is easier.

Mom lets me borrow the car with a curfew of midnight. She looks so glad I’m going to a school function rather than sulking around the house on a Friday night. Mom hates sulking. She didn’t try out for Mother of the Year to raise a sulker! I get the feeling she’d go along with anything to keep me from spending the night pouting at home. 

I spend the evening going through my closet, looking for the perfect outfit that makes me look like I’m not trying too hard without looking like I’m trying at all.

My stomach twists in knots when I pull into the parking lot outside the gym. With the exception of the glow from a few streetlights, the parking lot is pitch black. The North Lake student body is safely inside cheering on the team!

I sit in the driver’s seat after I turn off the engine and rest my head against the steering wheel. Last year Chloe and I went to every North Lake basketball game together. We sat in the student section and cheered. We snuck beers behind the gym. I kissed Kale for the first time after a game. This year nothing fun is happening.

I take a deep breath and walk across the parking lot to the gym.

A group of sophomores are huddled outside the gym, drinking cans of Red Bull. They’re crowded together, kept warm by the glow of cigarettes. The smell isn’t the kind that comes from store-bought cigarettes.

These guys are going to get in so much trouble...

“Hey, Becks!”

I search for the source of my name in the group of hooded figures. Ian breaks away from the guys. He’s got on his usual uniform of a blue sweatshirt with a devil holding a pitchfork on the front.

I zip up my coat. My breath turns to smoke. Carbon monoxide crystals float into the air. They glow against the dim streetlights.

“What are you guys doing?” I nod over to where his friends are standing.

“Oh, that? Nothing. We’re not doing anything.”

“It looks like something.”

He looks over his shoulder, back at his friends. “It’s not anything.”

“Sure…”

He stares at the ground. His friends laugh in the background. A couple of North Lake students walk past us on their way into the game. I shiver and my nose goes numb in the cold.

“Are you here by yourself?”

“I’m meeting some friends inside.”

“Where’s Chloe?”

I shrug. “At home, I guess. I’m not sure.”

“Oh…” He kicks some rocks. They roll off the sidewalk, back onto the road. His friends break into a fit of laughter. Whatever is funny seems like a million miles away. “Do you guys still hang out?”

“Yeah… Sometimes.”

“I saw her at school the other day. She’s so skinny now.”

A car drives by and a group of freshmen jump out. Their laughter fills the air as they walk towards the gym. I’m freezing. I want to go inside.

“She’s lost some weight.”

“You should invite her out to do stuff.”

I look past Ian. I take a deep breath and the cold air freezes my throat.

“We do stuff.”

“Ian! Come back here man! You gotta see this!” One of Ian’s friends holds up his iPhone with some video playing on the screen. From where I stand it looks like a naked woman with enormous breasts. Men love looking at topless women on their cell phones. It’s what got me to where I am today. He waves Ian over. I clench my hands to warm up my fingers.

“Have fun at the game, Becks. Maybe I’ll see you inside,” he says as he walks off.

“Yep, catch you later.” 

***

I walk into the gym and head straight to the student section. I just need to make it to the back of the bleachers where I can blend in with the crowd. I walk with a purpose. Like I know where I’m going but I’m really just looking for an empty place to sit.

I find a safe place to hide. The teams are practicing lay ups prior to the game. Someone calls my name and it takes me a minute to acclimate.

“Becks! Hey! What are you doing back there?”

I look down and see Emma decked out in her North Lake school pride. She’s sitting four rows down from my loathsome spot in the back of the bleachers. She waves to get my attention.

I wave back. “Hey, Emma!”

She gets up and hikes back to where I’m sitting.

“Who are you here with?” She walks to the top of the stairs and sits next to me.

It’s the question I was dreading. I want to make something up. To not admit I’m a total loser and my only friend is scared to show her face at any school event. But Emma is the one person at the school who doesn’t judge. So I decide to go with the truth.

“I just came on my own. Can’t miss the big game between South Shore and North Lake, you know?”

Emma isn’t fazed. I’m sure she’s the only person at the whole school who doesn’t think showing up for the game on your own is weird. Instead she sees it as an opportunity to increase the size of her circle of friends. “Oh good, you have to come down and sit with us. Isn’t this exciting? If we win we’ll be in the lead for the Eastside Conference. Can you even believe it?”

I nod my head. I’m so far out of the loop that I didn’t even know we had a winning basketball team. But it does explain the overwhelming school spirit permeating the halls at North Lake.

“Sure, I’ll come sit with you.” I get up and followed Emma to her group.

***

The buzzer rings for the start of the first quarter. Emma pulls my hand and makes a space on the bench next to her. Emma’s group is a rag tag mix of kids that are almost popular, but for various circumstances they never quite broke into the elite crowd – the almost clique – the perfect group to sit with to watch the game.

The quarter begins and they call Kale’s name. He runs out to the center court. The crowd breaks into applause. He glances over at our side of the gym. His eyes scan the crowd. It’s like he’s looking for me. My heart jumps into my throat. I want to wave, but I don’t want to draw attention to myself. When I’m done clapping, I place my hands on my lap.

Five minutes into the game I’m settled in. I’m able to stare at Kale without it being weird as he shoots basket after basket. School gossip, parent problems, and broken crushes circle around me. I half listen in on other people’s conversations. I have my ear open for anything that has to do with Kale.

North Lake calls a time out and the cheer squad runs onto the court. Jennie leads the team in her blue and white devil’s outfit. The squad builds a pyramid and throws her up into the air. She kicks her legs out and lands in the arms of the group perfectly. The remaining crowd breaks into applause.

“God, I haven’t seen her for awhile. Why’s she so skinny?” Katie says. Her voice rises above the crowd and my eyes follow to where she’s pointing.

It’s Chloe with her new best friend Hannah Sachs. They’re wearing matching North Lake t-shirts with devils painted on their faces. It’s been a long time since Chloe’s sported school spirit. Hannah must have powers that I don’t.

They walk to the end of the bleachers and disappear into the crowd. I pretend to watch the end of the halftime show in silence.

Now that Chloe’s out of earshot, Katie goes on to anyone who will listen. “I heard that Chloe and Hannah were at a party at Richard’s last weekend smoking weed in the back room. They disappeared for a long time so Richard went looking for them and found Chloe giving some college guy a blowjob on a lawn chair in the backyard.”

The group breaks into laughter. I stare at the bleachers. Green gum is stuck to the bleachers close to Katie. All she has to do is move a couple of inches and she’ll have a butt covered in gum.

“I mean, really, is she like a porn star or something? First nude pictures, then blow jobs.” More laughter. Lilly looks over her shoulder to where I’m sitting. Our eyes meet and she stops laughing. At least someone sitting around us recognizes that I was once Chloe’s best friend.

But Katie doesn’t care – she’s on a roll. I want to say something – to step in and defend my friend – but people are looking. I want to crawl under the bleachers and disappear.

Emma’s the only person who notices my discomfort. She leans over so no one else can hear. “Don’t listen to Katie, she always wants to be the center of attention. She’s just spreading gossip so people will listen to her.”

North Lake High runs back out onto the court. Kale comes out first and the crowd erupts into cheers. Katie’s attention diverts from Chloe and returns to the court. I take the opportunity to look over at Chloe.

She’s sitting way at the end of the bleachers, away from the other students. Hannah is to her right, next to a couple of guys I recognize from North Lake but whose names are a mystery. They lean together and laugh, ignoring the world around them. Part of me wants to go over and join them. But joining them would be a death sentence.

My phone buzzes and I look at the display.

R u here?

It’s Chloe. She’s sitting on the bench staring at her phone, waiting for my reply. I start to text her back but I just can’t deal, so I put the phone back in my handbag.

My phone buzzes again but I pretend not to hear it and turn my attention back to the game.

***

The game is tied up after at the start of the fourth quarter. Kale’s the star. Photographers snap his picture as he runs up and down the court. North Lake calls a timeout and the student body rushes to the concession stand.

Emma turns to me. “Let’s get something to drink.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into the crowd.

I follow her down the bleachers. We beat most of the crowd to the concession stand.

But there’s a small line. Emma and I wait behind a couple of sophomore girls. One sends texts while the other twists her hair. They order two large sodas that are almost as big as the girls themselves.

Emma and I each order a Pepsi. The crowd roars from inside the gym. Everything going on around me seems like it’s happening in another dimension. I place my straw through the lid of the plastic cup and take a sip. Bubbles tickle my throat. Emma grabs my arm and pulls me back towards the gym. She opens the door and Chloe and Hannah stand on the other side.

Emma and I stop. Emma looks at me and back at Chloe. Hannah puts her hands on her hips. Her eyes are like daggers cutting into me.

Chloe’s brow furrows and our eyes meet. She’s the first to break the silence. “Hey.”

“Oh… hey, I didn’t know you were here,” is all I can come up with. My brain spins around a million excuses for not answering her text. I have no explanation about why I haven’t acknowledged that she is even here.

And she’s right in front of me. I feel like total shit. Because it’s not bad enough I have no friends and my parents are embarrassed I’m their daughter and Chloe has a new best friend. Chloe looks like she’s going to cry. Her eyes are all watery. She looks from me to Emma and then back at me. She crosses her arms over her chest. The face of the devil from her t-shirt stares at me.

Go team!

“I sent you a text.”

“I’m sorry, my service has been spotty.” She knows it’s a lie. I can see it in her eyes. But she’s too afraid to call me out on it. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to know the truth.

Hannah glares at me from Chloe’s side. Girls like Hannah scare me. She spends more time in detention than she does in class. I wonder if she’ll even graduate on time.

“My service is working fine in here. I wanted to know if you were here so we could sit together.”

I shrug. “I’m sorry, if I would have gotten the message…”

She gives me a suspicious look, like she wants to say something. To call me out on the lie everyone who can hear me knows that I’m telling.

But she’s too polite. Or maybe the truth it too hard to face.

“Come on, let’s get something to drink before we miss the end of the game,” Hannah says and the spell is broken. She grabs Chloe’s arm and pulls her away.

I watch her walk away. Emma opens the door that leads back in the gym and we return to our seats.

Chapter Seventeen

“What do you want to do for your birthday?”

Mom’s at the sink, rinsing dishes as she fills the dishwasher. I’m at the table, eating toast and trying to memorize the order of the presidents for American History. Memorizing the presidents is for people who try out for Jeopardy. I don’t know why I have to do it.

“Nothing.”

She hesitates and I know that’s the wrong answer. “Why don’t you invite Chloe over and we’ll have a pizza party or something. We can rent movies or I can drop you girls off at the mall. Whatever you’d like.”

“I don’t know, Mom. I can’t really think of anything I’d like to do.”

Mom stops rinsing. She looks out the window, like there’s a leprechaun outside under a rainbow or something. I almost want to lean over her shoulder to check it out. “Aren’t you and Chloe hanging out much anymore?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t invite her to the house anymore. I haven’t seen much of her lately.”

“We hang out.”

“I don’t know, Beckett… with the divorce and everything that’s happening at school, you should make sure you’re there for her. It’s times like these when a person really needs a friend.”

Mom likes to make me feel like crap. Like I need help feeling any worse than I already do. It’s not just my fault that Chloe and I aren’t hanging out anymore. Chloe’s hanging out with Hannah. I’m hanging out with Jen and Emma. It’s not like once you’re best friends with someone that you have to stay best friends for the rest of your life.

Right?

But I know Mom has a point. Jen and Emma won’t want to hang out with the fam for my birthday. Chloe always celebrates my birthday with my family.

I should just call.

“Sure, Mom, I’ll see if she wants to come. Maybe we can go out to pizza like you suggested. Thanks for asking.”

Mom’s face lights up and she returns to putting away the dishes.

***

The nice thing about the passage of time is that I’m starting to feel more comfortable walking the halls at school. It’s not like before when school first started and people stared at me or ignored me or whispered behind my back. It’s like my role in the whole picture escapade is fading away from memory.

Chloe’s not so lucky.

I hardly see her around. It’s like she’s found a way to make herself invisible. She’s the one person the invisibility cloak works for. Or, she walks outside the building to get to her classes and eats lunch in her car.

I take my seat in History class. I rest my head on my hand and watch the groundskeeper mow the lawn while I wait for my classmates. He goes back and forth across the grass, making a green checkerboard. A blue jay lands on a branch outside the window. He tilts his head to the side and I copy the motion. The rush of footsteps enter the room. Another blue jay lands in the tree. They start to squawk. The sound’s so loud it drowns out the sound of the classroom.

The bell rings and I turn around to face the front of the class. Chloe usually sits in the desk next to me, but today it’s empty. I can’t believe she’s skipping again. If she misses any more school she probably won’t graduate. I reach down and take my cell phone out of my backpack. The display is empty. No one has called or sent a text.

I open up my notebook as Mr. Thompson walks to the front of the class. He starts talking about the Civil War and how it shaped relationships between the north and the south. Out of the corner of my eye I see the familiar blonde hair. Chloe is in class. She’s sitting on the other side, towards the front of the room.

She doesn’t notice me staring. Instead she’s playing the role of good little student. Like she doesn’t want to acknowledge me sitting at my normal desk and the fact that she’s totally avoiding me.

Mr. Thompson begins his lecture. I feel conspicuous sitting by the window alone. I glance back out the window. The grass is freshly mowed like a green check board and the blue jays have flown away.

***

After class I debate trying to catch Chloe before next period. I grab my books and head for the door. She’s already down the hallway when I catch up with her.

“Hey, Chloe!” But she keeps walking. Like she’s deaf or something. “Chloe!”

She turns around and her face is blank. I can’t read her thoughts.

“Hey,” is all she can come up with.

We stop and face each other. It’s like we don’t even know each other. Neither of us knows what to say.

Classmates rush pass on the way to class. I shift on my feet. Maybe Mom was wrong about my birthday. I should just turn around and walk off. I feel like I’m breaking some kind of friendship rule.

“I…” Someone bumps me from behind as I stand in the hallway. “I… My mom wants to throw one of her best-mom-in-the-world parties for my birthday. She wants to know if you want to come by. It’ll just be family… and you, if you want to come.”

It’s a lame, half-hearted invitation. I realize it after I say it and I expect her to say no.

Her stance softens. “Oh, yeah, your birthday is this weekend, isn’t it? Big eighteen. When’s your mom planning the festivities?”

“Saturday.”

The bell rings again and the hall clears out. Then it’s just Chloe and I.

“Sure, I’ll come. I have to get to class before I get suspended again. Let me know what time later.”

“Okay, sure.” Then there’s an uncomfortable silence. Chloe shifts on her feet and starts chewing chipped black fingernail polish off her thumb. It’s a nervous habit. I look at my watch. “Great, I’ll see you around.” Then I rush off to class.

Chapter Eighteen

Mom spends the rest of the week excited about a familial birthday on the horizon. She buzzes around the house, excelling at what she loves best: party planning and all of her Mom of the Year crap. It’s too bad that besides my family, Chloe’s the only person coming.

I know I let Mom down in her quest to be the best ever mom at North Lake.

It’s like she’s not even in the running anymore.

Saturday afternoon I stand in my closet, looking for a Happy birthday, you’re eighteen and pathetic! outfit when my phone buzzes. I have a new text. I pick up my phone, sure it’s Chloe telling me she’s going to be late of that she’s not coming at all. But it’s not Chloe. It’s Kale. I’m aware of my heart thumping as I read the words on the screen.

Hey b-d girl, what’s the plan?

My body temperature rises. I can’t believe Kale remembered my birthday.

Dinner w the fam.

Let’s hook up later.

I chew on my lower lip. Chloe’s coming and I can’t just dog her after dinner. And I can’t take her to meet Kale. There’s no way I can hang out with both of them at the same time.

Not sure if I can.

Text me later & let me know.

Sure.

Happy bd. Later.

I put the phone down on my bed. Kale wants to meet up later. This is a disaster. I can’t bring Chloe along to see Kale. And there’s no way I can tell Chloe that I’m leaving to meet Kale without her being furious.

I examine my closet with renewed intensity.

***

The doorbell rings at exactly 7:00. Cody runs down the stairs before I have a chance to get to the door. I hear Chloe and Cody talking. When I walk down the stairs I see Chloe in the doorway. Her hair is lighter than the last time I saw her. A few streaks of blonde break up the dark around her face.

But she can’t hide behind her stick-like frame – her clothes are hanging off of her.

“Happy birthday!” she yells when she looks up the steps. She’s got a gift bag in hand.

I meet her at the bottom of the stairs and reach over to give her a hug. “Thanks for coming.”

“You look so cute – I love your sweater. Is it new?”

“Yeah, Mom took me shopping at Nordstrom for my birthday.”

Chloe looks admiringly at my outfit. “Did your mom help you pick it out? She always has the best taste.”

Mom’s ears must be burning. “Chloe!” She comes over for a hug. “It’s so nice to see you. It’s been awhile since you’ve been to the house. I’m so glad you could make it tonight. It wouldn’t be a party without Beckett’s best friend.” An uncomfortable silence fills the room. “I’ve made reservations at Macaroni Grill for tonight. I know how much Beckett likes their lasagna. Dad likes their Italian trio. We should get going if we’re going to make it on time. Are you girls ready?”

“Yeah, Mom, should we go out to the car?”

“Go, ahead. I’ll let your dad know we’re ready to go.”

***

The lobby of the restaurant is packed when we arrive. Families stand in the corner, crammed on sofas, holding buzzers to let them know when it’s their turn. Mom made reservations. Mom always thinks ahead.

A family gets up from a couch in the waiting area when the hostess calls their name. Cody runs over to sit in the vacated spot. Chloe and Mom follow. I take a seat on the opposite end of the couch. Dad stands in the middle of the lobby by himself.

Ten minutes later the buzzer rings. Cody jumps up off the couch and makes his way to the hostess. The rest of us follow past the maze of families enjoying a Friday night dinner.

The waitress brings out a cup of crayons. Like she’s serving a bunch of little kids. I wonder if we look like we need to eat off the kid’s menu.

I hope not. It’s my first day as an official adult.

The waitress is one of those cute, peppy types. Probably attends college during the day and works at night. She gives our table a big smile. Like my family and my best friend celebrating my birthday at Macaroni Grill is the best-thing-ever.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

Dad jumps in with his order. “I’ll have a glass of Merlot.”

Cody looks over at Mom. “Can I have a Bellini?”

“He’ll have a non-alcoholic Bellini and I’ll take one with the alcohol.” Mom smiles at the waitress. “How about you girls? Do you want a Bellini without the alcohol?”

“I’ll have a coke,” Chloe orders.

“Same for me,” I say.

She walks away and the table sinks into a strained silence. Dad pulls out his Blackberry. He smiles at a message and his fingers fly over the keys. Mom’s eyes narrow from the other side of the table.

But she doesn’t say anything. She never does.

I pretend to examine the menu.

Cody is the first to break the silence. “Chloe, I wish you would come over more. I thought you were going to show me how to do some tricks on my skateboard.”

Chloe smiles across the table at my kid brother. They’re like kindred spirits. It occurs to me I’m in the wrong family. “Invite me over any time bud.”

“And you’ll show me how to do some jumps?”

“Yeah, of course. We’ll go down to the skate park.”

Cody looks at Mom. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, dear, if you wear your helmet you can go skating any time.”

“Great! Maybe next weekend? I want to get better before summer so I can hang out at the skate park more. There’s nothing to do sitting around our boring old house.”

“You could do your chores,” Mom interjects.

“Chores are boring.”

“That’s why we split them up so everyone has a chance to chip in and it’s not just one person getting stuck doing all the work.”

“I’ll do my chores if I can go to the skate park.” Cody knows how to press the right buttons to get what he wants.

“Sounds like a deal.” At least one kid makes her happy.

The waitress returns with our drinks and takes our orders. Dad goes back to his Blackberry once she’s gone. Dad’s always on that thing and I’m pretty sure dad likes whoever is on the other end of the Blackberry more than us.

“Cody, let’s go wash your hands.” Mom stands up and Cody follows.

After they’re gone, Dad stands up as well. “I need to make a call. If your mother returns before me tell her I’ll be right back.”

“Sure Dad.”

Chloe watches him go. Once he’s safely out the front doors she reaches into her handbag and pulls out a miniature bottle of rum. “Happy birthday!” Before I can say anything she dumps some into my Coke.

“Chloe! What are you doing?”

“Having a little celebration! You’re eighteen! You get to be a grown-up now.”

“Yeah, but I can’t drink ‘til I’m twenty-one.”

“Trust me, you can join the army and go somewhere like Afghanistan now, I think it’s okay to spike a little rum in your drink.”

“Yeah, but my parents will smell it! My dad will be so pissed if he knows we’re drinking.”

“Don’t be a baby. Both of your parents are drinking. They won’t be able to smell the alcohol. Hell, we’ll probably have to call a cab after dinner.”

“My parents don’t drink that much though. They never have more than one or two drinks.”

“Just relax, have some fun, it’s your birthday!”

I spot movement out of the corner of my eye; it’s mom and Cody returning to the table. Chloe shakes her head and nods towards my drink. Mom glares at Dad’s empty seat.

“Where’s your father?”

“He stepped outside to make a call.”

Mom puckers her mouth. Wrinkles try to swallow her face. She glares at the front of the restaurant. I take a sip of my spiked drink. Maybe a drink is exactly what I need.

“Well, I’ll guess we’ll all just enjoy each other’s company until he makes it back to the table.”

I look over at Chloe. She already needs a refill.

***

Dinner is nothing but polite conversation. Strained. Distant. Dad steps back outside for a ‘call’ and Mom follows him out the front door. The waitress refills our Cokes and Chloe brings out another miniature bottle of rum. Cody colors unhappy faces on the tablecloth.

My handbag vibrates. I excused myself from the table and Chloe doesn’t follow. I walk into the restroom and pull out my phone. It’s a text from Kale.

U done yet?

No.

How much longer?

Not sure. I’m with my parents and Chloe.

Lose Chloe. Let’s meet up later.

K. I’ll text when I’m done.

I feel horrible. But it’s the only way I can see Kale. And Chloe won’t want to hang out later anyway. Plus, it’s my birthday. I should be able to do what I want. I put my phone back in my handbag and return to the table.

Mom’s Bellini melts. No one is speaking. The birthday celebration is officially over. We walk out to the car in silence. Happy birthday to me! Chloe stumbles a couple of times on the sidewalk, but no one notices. Everyone has drifted away to their own little worlds.

When we get back to the house Dad retreats to his room, Mom to the kitchen, and Cody to the game room to play his Wii. Chloe follows me to my room.

“Want to open my gift?” She holds out the purple gift bag she’s been holding all night. Purple is my favorite color.

“Sure, thanks.” I sit on my bed and open it. I pull the tissue paper wrapped object out of the bag and pull it apart. Inside is a bracelet. One of those charm bracelets where you get to pick the charms. It has three: the letter B, the letter C, and a small ballerina. The ballerina is wearing pink tights and is doing a pirouette.

Chloe and I took ballet classes as little girls until we both figured out there was no way we would ever dance as Clara or even a Sugar Plum Fairy.

It’s the perfect gift.

I place it on my wrist and hold it up to the light. The ballerina dangles from the bracelet.

“I love it!”

Chloe’s face lights up. “Really? I wasn’t sure what to get you. I know how much you miss dancing. I saw the ballerina and it reminded me of when we were little girls and we went to dance together. You were always better than me. I never understood why you stopped.”

Water threatens to wash my eyes. I don’t want to cry in front of Chloe. There are so many things I miss in my life. Nothing is like I thought it would be. I can’t believe that I made it to senior year and this is how everything turned out.

“Yeah…” I reach over and give her a hug. Her body is like a sack of bones. I wonder if anybody has been feeding her.

“Well, good.”

Awkward silence fills the room. Gone are the days of gossip about boys and plans for the future. A river had grown between us and it’s turning into a gulf.

A bracelet can only do so much.

The buzzing of my phone fills the room and kills the moment.

“Probably just someone wishing me a happy birthday. I better check who it is.” I walk towards my phone and Chloe takes a seat on my bed.

Ready?

Not quite. Almost.

We’re at Court’s party. Come by after she leaves.

K!

“Yep, just my cousin Ian saying happy birthday.”

Chloe nods her head. “So, want to go out? Dave Jensen is having a party. Hannah and I are going to check it out later.”

“I better not, I think Mom wants me to stay here and hang with her and Dad since Dad’s hardly ever around.”

“Oh, are you sure? Should be some cute guys there. Not sure if they’re your type though. You should come with.”

“Nah…”

Chloe stands up. “Well, I better get going then. I’m glad we were able to get together. Thanks for inviting me over.”

“Thanks for coming.”

She reaches over and gives me a quick hug and leaves the room.

***

I lie to Mom and tell her I’m leaving with Chloe. I walk outside with Chloe and don’t come back in the house. I wait until she’s out of sight and then run to the bus stop for a ride down to Bellevue. As long as I make it home before curfew Mom won’t know the difference. It’s not like Chloe will call the house looking for me.

I ride the bus with my head against the window, watching cars pass by. I wish I had a car. I wish I had a lot of things.

Cars and trucks are lined up and down Court’s drive when I walk to the front of his house. My stomach turns to mush. This was a bad idea. I pull my hoodie tight around my head to block out the chill. I want to slink into the party and fit into the crowd.

The front room is a sea of people. Everyone is at the party. Everyone but Chloe and her group and the invisible students I never see anywhere.

I spot the basketball team towards the back of the room. Kale’s standing around a table with his buddies. They’re all laughing.

He brushes his hair out of his face and takes a drink from a red cup. I hate standing here, not knowing what to do. Part of me wants to run. But I’m already here. I’m an outcast at North Lake. I don’t think coming to a party filled with the crowd I’m no longer part of was such a good idea.

I take a deep breath and start towards Kale.

“Beckett! Happy birthday!” He comes over and gives me a hug. His body is warm against mine, his breath like beer hops. He holds on a few seconds longer than necessary.

“Thanks.” I peel myself away and look around. A few curious stares come my way. Kale motions to a seat and I sit down at the end of the table and try to make myself small.

“I’m so glad you came!” He squeezes my shoulder. It’s a friendly squeeze. Like I’m a football player.

I scoot as close to him as I can get and ignore everyone around us.

***

The party moves outside. We walk out to the packed patio. The guys from the basketball team are so loud they drown out the rest of the party. Today they won the big game and are having a big celebration.

No one notices I’m here. It’s easy to hang out at a party when you’re invisible. Instead of being forced into dull conversations or being tasked with entertaining an audience, I stick close to Kale and watch the festivities. A basketball crony shoves a couple of beers at us. We pop the caps and sit on the edge of a bench. I move closer to Kale and our knees touch. We watch the party go on around us.

Kale gets up to join the guys from the team and I don’t follow. It’s so awkward being at a party without Chloe. Chloe’s always the more social one, the person everyone wants to talk to, the person who always helped me fit in. Everyone’s having such a great time. I have no idea where to start. I’m not the social one. I never was.

Kale goes back in the house, leaving me on the patio. I want to leave. Coming was a bad idea.

A group of junior girls from the JV squad huddle in the corner. One of them points into the kitchen of Court’s house. Heads swivel that direction.  My eyes follow to where everyone is pointing.

“What’s she doing here?” someone hisses from behind me.

Chloe and Hannah walk through the sliding glass door and out to the patio.

I freeze. My instinct is to run. My feet are frozen. Chloe surveys the party as Hannah grabs a couple of beers. Our eyes meet. I want a trap door to open up and swallow me.

I’m not so lucky.

And what is she doing here anyway? I thought she was going to Dave Jensen’s. Who invited her to Court’s? It’s not like she’s friends with anyone here. She’s not friends with anyone really.

She walks straight towards me. “Hey.” Her eyes narrow – like she’s trying to see through me.

Why are friendships so hard?

“Hey, I thought you were going to Dave Jensen’s?”

“We did but the cops busted the party and everyone came here.” The color red creeps up her chest. “What are you doing here? I thought you were hanging with your family tonight.”

I shrug. Chloe’s my friend, not my mother. “Change of plans. I would have invited you but I knew you were going to Dave’s.”

Hannah comes up behind her, hands her a beer, and graces me with a suspicious look. “Hey, I didn’t know you were going to be here,” she says.

“Yeah, me either,” Chloe agrees. She won’t stop staring.

“Hey! Beckett! Come over here!” It’s Kale, trying to get my attention.

Chloe crosses her arms in front of her chest. “Why are you talking to him?”

“I don’t know. We’ve been talking again.”

“Kale?” Her voice is incredulous. Chloe doesn’t like Kale or anybody in his crowd. But it’s not her business – not her business at all.

Kale walks our direction. “Hey.” He doesn’t even look at Chloe. He grabs my hand and my ballerina bracelet clinks. “Becks, come on over, we’re playing a game.”

I’m being pulled two directions. I’m worried I’ll split down the middle.

“Okay,” I finally say. I did come to be with Kale after all.

Hannah and Chloe walk back into the house.

***

Court and the rest of the basketball team are sitting at a table playing quarters. I have no desire to play. I just want to go home and escape all the drama. Parties have been bad for me for like a year now.

I take a seat next to Kale and the quarter makes its way around the table. Chloe and Hannah are inside the house drinking beers and talking to a couple of other party busters. Chloe’s laughing like nothing happened. Like it’s no big deal we just got in a huge fight on my birthday. Court follows my eyes.

“Chloe Baker is here?” He looks around the table. His eyes are bloodshot and his speech is slurred. “Who invited her?”

A couple of guys shrug. Beer pong takes precedence over the guests.

Court turns to me. “Did you invite her? She’s your friend. I don’t want her in my house. Go tell her and her friends I want them to leave. I don’t want your big mouth friend getting us in trouble.”

“She won’t get anyone in trouble.”

“Doesn’t matter, I don’t trust that girl. And she’s your friend. Tell her it’s time to go adios.”

I can’t ask her to leave. But the way Court is looking at me lets me know I don’t have a choice. “Fine, I’ll be right back.”

I walk to the house like a tortoise while I think up a way to tell Chloe she has to leave. What kind of friend kicks the only person who came to her birthday party out? But I don’t have to say it that way. It’s Court’s house. And it’s just a party. It’s not that big of a deal.

***

Chloe and Hannah are standing off in a corner talking. Hannah sees me first. She says something to Chloe and Chloe waves at me as I approach.

This is going to be uncomfortable.

“Hey.” My tongue sputters against my mouth as I search for the right words. “Court asked me to come in here and talk to you for a minute.”

Chloe places her hand on her hip and gives me a look I’m all too familiar with – it’s a look that tells me she knows what’s coming. “What about?”

“He…” I suck in a deep breath. “You know how things are Chloe. I didn’t know you were coming and…”

She glares over my shoulder at Court and his friends. “What did he say, Beckett?”
“He wants you to leave. He asked me to come out and tell you that you have to go.”

Her lip quivers and I look out to where Kale and the guys are sitting. Court’s watching me from the patio.

“And you get to stay?”

I nod. “Yes. Kale invited me.”

“But why do you get to stay and I have to leave?”

“I dunno, Chloe. It’s not my house. But Court doesn’t want you here and he chose me to come out and tell you.”

“Then tell him to man up and come in and tell me himself.”

“Don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be.”

“I’m not leaving, Beckett. Everyone from school is here. I don’t know why I’m the only person who can’t be here!”

“Chloe… Come on, you know why.”

Chloe takes a deep breath. Her face turns bright red. “Tell him to come out and tell me himself. I’m not leaving until he man ups and doesn’t send a messenger to do his dirty work.”

My mouth opens to say something else, but nothing comes out. I put my head down and walk back to the group.

***

Court’s standing by the table with his arms crossed when I return.

And he doesn’t look happy.

“Why’s she still here? You told her to leave, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Then what gives? I don’t want that slut here. I don’t want her getting her skanky crabs on the toilet seat.”

I want to reach over and punch Court in the face. I clench my fist and my fingernails dig into my hand. But I don’t want any drama. My grip loosens.

“She said she’s not leaving until you go in and ask her to.”

“Oh, I won’t ask her, I’ll tell her.” Court walks off with purpose. At the last minute I decide to follow.

Court’s stomping as he walks to the house. He pushes open the sliding glass door and walks in. I hurry to catch up. I’m standing directly behind him when he launches into a tirade.

“Look whore, I sent your little buddy in here to send you home without it coming to this. You cost us making the playoffs this year because of your titty pic. Now get the hell out of my house before I get some of my homies together and throw you out.”

Chloe’s chest heaves up and down as he speaks. Her eyes fill with water and after a few seconds she grabs her handbag off the counter. “Fine, I’ll leave, but I don’t understand why everyone at North Lake hates me so bad!”

“We missed state playoffs because of your dirty pictures.”

“But I didn’t send them to everyone. I don’t know how everyone in the school saw the photos.”

“You and your dyke friend here are sick.”

“I’m not a dyke,” I whisper.

“Two girls together? That’s sick.” No one moves. This is an obvious displeasure to Court. “I said get lost. Out of my house. Adios. See you later.”

“Fine, I’ll go.”

She heads for the door and Hannah follows. I’m frozen in place, not sure if I should follow Chloe or go back to Kale. Chloe opens the door and walks out front. I look over and Kale’s waving me back to the table.

I follow Chloe.

“Hey, Chloe! Wait up.”

But she keeps walking, moving towards the end of the street to her car.

I run to catch up.

“Chloe!”

She spins around. Tears stream down her face and she stares at me like she wants me to die. Hannah’s by her side, unsure what to do. She shifts her weight from one leg to the other, waiting for whatever’s coming next.

“Leave me alone!”

“I’m sorry, I told you he wanted you to leave. It’s his house.”

“You’re defending him? Some friend you are.”

“I’m not defending him, I’m just stating a fact.”

Chloe starts to sob. Tears drip down her face and splatter to the sidewalk. She’s crying so loudly that she blocks out the music from Court’s.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND!” she screams at me.

The scream stops the sobs. The only sound is the music playing in the background.

“I am your friend, but Court didn’t invite you. It has nothing to do with me.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Chloe! You know how things are!”

“You know, ever since last year you’ve changed. We’re not as close as we used to be. Don’t worry about me: I’ll be fine. Now I’m going to leave since I’m not welcome here.”

She walks off and Hannah follows, leaving me standing alone on the sidewalk.

Chapter Nineteen

If things weren’t bad enough, the envelopes started coming in the mail – thin envelopes, addressed to me, with official university seals in the upper left corner. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s inside. I catch Dad reading one of the rejection letters and decide I need to start getting the mail.

There was a time when schools like Columbia and Brown were logical choices for me. I was a top student at one of the best public schools in the state. I was an honor’s student. I was a girl that could memorize anything and write prose that could melt the hearts of even the toughest teachers. I was the ballerina with a bright future. I was the future captain of the cheerleaders.

Was.

Junior year I don’t know what happened. Kale and I started hooking up. Beer started showing up at parties. Mom got mad and instituted a curfew. I snuck out the window. Chloe got a car and drove us to parties. Chloe only wanted to hang out with college guys and didn’t care what they asked her to do. We got our pictures taken. The cops threatened to throw Chloe and I in jail for disseminating child pornography…

With the beer and the parties went my grades. And the rule was bad grades, no car. So now I don’t have a car and thin little envelopes arrive in our mailbox daily from schools that were once considered safety schools.

Every day the mailbox is stacked with ten-inch envelopes from learning institutions that found smarter applicants. Good girls who didn’t get sidetracked by alcohol and boys and have dirty pictures taken with their friends.

I don’t even get a waitlist letter from any of my top choices.

***

Wednesday I ride the bus home from school. Mom’s car is parked in front of the house. I hate it when Mom beats me home.

She’s sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of mail. Her head rests between her hands. She looks like the world finally beat her down.

All I want to do is open a Coke and watch TIVO. Mom being home early can’t be good news.

“Hi.” I rummage through the fridge.

She sighs, holding up an envelope. I’m not close enough to read the school’s name, but I can see the familiar blue seal. A lump grows in my throat.

This – is – not – good.

“You know, we moved into this school district to get you a head start. Do you have any idea how much money we have spent so you could go to a good university?” She shakes her head, her hand gripping the letter. “Your dad is going to be so disappointed. You know that? He’s been quiet so far because there really is only one school he has his heart on you attending.” She runs her fingers through her hair. Her eyes water. “Your father is going to be really upset when he sees this letter. I don’t know what he’ll say. But I’m going to let you tell him. I don’t want any part of this.”

Mom gets up and hands me the letter. The rejection is from Columbia: Dad’s alma mater.

“Mom, I… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything Beckett. There’s nothing to say.”

She walks out of the room, leaving me alone in the kitchen with the evidence of my academic failure.

***

Columbia isn’t the only school that rejects me on Wednesday. An envelope came from UCLA as well. I don’t bother opening it. The envelope is thin. Nothing good ever comes in thin envelopes.

It turns out Cody’s sick, hence Mom’s early return home. He’s in his room, passed out on his bed. Mom also retreated to her room. Everyone’s avoiding me.

Or it’s to avoid the arrival of Dad. I’m holding the piece of paper that made dance recitals and tutors worthless. I’m the one who should be lying in bed sick.

A car pulls up in the driveway. I take the letter and shove it behind a pillow in the couch. I want to run and hide in my room.

I hear voices from the living room. Quiet voices, muttering about the formalities of married life. I can’t make out the words from my confines.

Footsteps make their way down the hall. A bedroom door opens. I hear running water coming from the master bath. For a moment I consider opening my bedroom window and leaving. Running away. Not coming back. I envision myself as a poster child on a flyer at Wal Mart – only I’m an adult now – and I doubt anyone would miss me.

Plus I have no money.

The running water stops and a bedroom door opens. Only this time there’s no stomping. Dad has taken off his work shoes. 

“Dinner’s ready!” Mom announces from the kitchen. I want to run away. If I could get out of my room without being noticed, I would.

A few minutes later a louder voice yells down the hall. This time it’s Dad. “Your mother’s made dinner. Get in here before it gets cold.”

I walk into the kitchen and sit down for a rare familial dinner with Dad at home. Nothing like a dinner with the fam! Dad doesn’t know about my college application failure. Taking care of me is Mom’s problem.

I walk into the kitchen and sit down at the table. Mom brings dinner into a silent room.

But I know it won’t last.

Dad looks at me from across the table. “So, Beckett, how’s the college search going? Do we need to make arrangements to go out and visit some schools? I’d love to take a trip to New York.”

It’s the moment I’ve been dreading. Mom’s filling Dad’s plate and she stops like the earth stopped spinning on its axis. It’s like she’s scared of the answer.

“I’m still thinking about it.”

Dad and I are face to face. It’s the first time we’ve really looked at each other in ages. “You’re still thinking about it? You don’t have much longer. We’re not talking about just driving down the road. You’ll have to move. We need to know what we’re talking about in tuition. There’s a lot to think over.”

Suddenly the wood pattern on the table is interesting. I wonder where the tree came from. I wonder what it’s like to give your life to sit in the middle of a family argument, or multiple family arguments – to have gone from a living forest to the inside of a dead house.

I bet it sucks.

“I know.” I get up, though I’m not done eating. I need to escape this conversation. I need to escape this conversation fast.

“Did you hear back from Columbia?”

It’s like a bolt of lightning hits the table. My body goes numb. The tips of my fingers tingle. I haven’t thought of a lie. It’s been so long since I spoke to Dad that I haven’t planned out the conversation at all.

“Yes.”

Mom’s body tenses. She turns around. I made a mistake. Maybe Mom would’ve covered for me. Even though she said she wouldn’t I know she would have, but now it’s out in the open and I can’t take it back.

“And?”

I don’t have time to prepare. It’s time to just throw it out there and accept the consequences. “I wasn’t accepted.”

The sound of air rushing into Dad’s lungs is the only sound in the room. I bet if I held a bug under his nose, he’d suck it right up – a human vacuum cleaner. It strikes me as funny.

But I’m too scared to laugh.

“When did you find out about this?” Dad’s tone makes me want to run out of the room.

“Now, dear,” Mom says as she brings a plate of food over for Dad, “you know how things have been for Beckett. She’s doing her best. I’m sure she’ll get into a good school. New York is so far away.”

Dad taps his fingers against the table. The sound makes a dull thud, thud, thud sound. I just want to remove myself from the house of dysfunction.

“It’s you and that Baker girl. You two aren’t a good match. It’s a good thing you’re not hanging out with her anymore.”

“Dave!” Mom’s face reddens. She’s insulted. My problems are a reflection on her. According to his train of thought his absentee parenting does not affect me at all.

“Well, it’s true. All the trouble that Beckett ever gets into has to do with Chloe. The girl is bad news. I’m glad the two of you aren’t friends anymore.”

“That’s unnecessary Dave.”

“Well, it’s true. Beckett was on the fast track to go to a top university and now I’m going to have to make a few phone calls to the admissions committee to see about getting Beckett reconsidered. I shouldn’t have to help you. Your grades should have been good enough to be accepted without my help.”

“It’s a tough school to get into, dear. Maybe we should consider having Beckett go to school here on the west coast. There are so many lovely west coast schools. Then we can have her closer to home. Plus, Beckett has never experienced an east coast winter. It will be quite a shock to her system. She can go to school locally, focus on her schooling, and apply to grad school on the east coast.”

Dad shakes his head. “The other kids will have a better chance of getting into grad school. She needs to go to a top university.” His attention turns back to me. “I can’t believe where you’re at now. I’d like to say I’m sorry that you’re not hanging out with Chloe anymore, but I can’t. I think it’s for the best the two of you have gone your separate ways. You need to focus on your studies, I’ll place a call to the alumni association and see if I can pull any favors. And from now on, if you want any money, you’ll need to get a job. I’m not going to continue paying for things for a girl your age who’s not upholding her end of the bargain.”

He stands up. Dad opens the door and walks out to the garage. The garage door opens and the engine to his car starts. He’s gone before anyone can say a word.

Chapter Twenty

After last period I wait by my locker. I haven’t seen Chloe all week. I wonder if she’s even at school.

I pretend to be searching through my books. And really, my locker is such a mess that it won’t hurt me to reorganize it. Seconds tick by. They turn to minutes. The hallways empty out. When I’m able to make out individual footsteps walking down the hall, I end the charade. I close my locker and turn to leave the building. I already missed the school bus. I need to hustle if I’m going to make the city bus.

She’s standing at the end of the hallway, leaning against the corner of the wall, watching me. She’s wearing black leggings and a black t-shirt. Now her hair’s even darker than when I saw her last. It’s got an orange-ish tint like she tried too many boxes of color. She looks like she hasn’t eaten in a week. Or washed her hair in two.

She looks like a homeless person who got lost and wandered into school.

Butterflies try escaping from my stomach through my throat.

How is it that someone you used to tell your darkest secrets to could become such a stranger?

I wave to her. The hallways are deserted, everyone’s rushed off to wherever they need to be.

“What are you still doing here?”

She gets closer and I can smell her. It’s a weird mix of cigarette smoke and unwashed clothes. I think back to the last time I was at her house and all the dirty laundry piled in every room. One whiff of her and I know no one is doing laundry at the Baker household.

“I was cleaning out my locker.”

She lifts her wrist in an exaggerated motion to look at her watch. “At 3:30? Why don’t you just go home? Aren’t you going to miss the bus?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I already missed it. I’ll have to walk downtown and catch the city bus.”

She starts for her locker and I follow her. “I can give you a ride home if you want.”

There’s no one around. I can get a ride home with Chloe and no one even has to know. My parents won’t be home. It’s the perfect solution. “Okay, great, I’d love a ride home.”

“Okay, let me get my stuff and we’ll leave.”

***

I follow Chloe to her car. Her new spot is off to the back where the students who are perpetually late or absent park. It’s a different world from where we parked last year.

The car has deep scratches in her once shiny red paint. “What happened?”

“Someone keyed my car.”

I open the passenger door. Taco Bell wrappers and empty cigarette boxes litter the seat. The car smells like an ashtray and stale food.

“You can just throw that stuff in back.”

“Okay.” I grab a handful of trash and my hand touches something soft, mushy, and cold. I feel sick. Maybe I should have taken the bus.

Chloe fiddles with the radio as she drives out to the main street. I watch cars pass by, happy families on their way to sports practices, men and women on their way home from work. Everyone looks so much happier than us. Our lives exist on a different plane of existence.

I break the silence. “So, how’ve you been?”

Chloe keeps her eyes on the road. It’s like I’m an invisible voice. “What do you mean? Everything sucks. Is that why you were waiting for me after school? You wanted to check on me? What am I, like a little kid or something?”

I shake my head. Chloe thinks I like how my life is now? She’s not the only one who’s been cast out. “No, it’s just been awhile since I’ve seen you. I thought we should catch up.”

She laughs. It’s not a funny laugh. It’s more like the laugh you use when you want to build a shell around your outsides. “Okay, so let’s catch up. How are things going for you Beckett?”

Her voice drips with sarcasm, but there’s something else in the tone – a vulnerability tinged with hurt. I decide to act push down the wall. “Not so great. Dad’s not speaking to me because I didn’t get into Columbia. Mom hates it when there’s tension in the house. I’ve been hanging out in my room most the time. I can’t wait to go away for college next year. I’d pretty much do anything to get out of the house.”

“So I bet your dad blames everything on me.” She doesn’t take her eyes off the road as she speaks. It’s like it’s too painful to look at me.

“What? You mean about the whole Columbia thing? No, he definitely blames me, with a little touch of my mom in there for good measure. He thinks Mom hasn’t been doing a good enough job supervising me. He thinks Mom can force good grades on me. I guess that worked for part of my life.”

“I bet he partly blames me. Your mom’s the best – I wish I had a mom like yours.”

I squeeze my hands together and my fingers get all tingly. My house gets closer. I want to ask what happened to our relationship. Chloe and I used to do everything together. Now, in the car, we’re like strangers.

“Well, you know how my dad is: he’d blame the Pope for a flood if we had one.”

Chloe takes a right onto our street and starts to slow as we approach my house. The driveway is empty. I made it home with Chloe undetected. Throw up the confetti and have a party – it’s the only thing I have to celebrate.

She nods her head. I want to ask her how she’s doing. How things are going since her parent’s divorce. I have a million things I could say, but my tongue’s stuck. I don’t know how it is my former best friend has become a complete stranger.

She pulls in front of my house and stops. Her eyes are glued to the road, like she’s scared to look at my house. Maybe she’s worried my dad will come outside. I hesitate. There’s a gulf between the two of us. I grab the passenger door handle and open the door.

“Thanks for the ride.” I swing one leg out of the car. A thousand words run through my mind, but nothing comes out.

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll see you around.”

“Yep, I’ll see you around.”

I get out of the car and walk into the house.

Chapter Twenty-One

Dad’s away on some work thingy. I pretend not to notice that he’s never around, or that when he is home he’s sleeping on the fold-out couch in the office. It’s a relief he’s away. But I’m still not coming out of my room. And I don’t have to; I have everything I need between these four walls.

My books are in a pile on the floor. They should be covered in dust. Thick dust like they’ve been abandoned. 

My grades are atrocious. The kind of grades that won’t get me into Columbia and that won’t get me into the University of Washington either. The only schools that have accepted me are Washington State University and Arizona State University. Two schools I only applied to because I feared what was coming.

Hello, Cougars.

Or maybe the Sun Devils are better. You can’t just hop in a car and drive to Phoenix. Maybe that would mean less familial visits.

I look good in maroon, I guess.

Dad will die when he finds out I have to go to a party school – a school that specializes in agricultural sciences, or one that specializes in suntans. His head will probably explode.

Yeah – ASU is probably better.

I start looking through my books. The text is totally unfamiliar even though I already finished these classes.

Senior year has been a spiral below sea level.

Sophomore year I got As. Then towards the end of the year a few Bs were sprinkled in. Fall quarter junior year I got a C. By winter quarter the C’s were more frequent. Obviously getting rejected by Columbia wasn’t a surprise. The booze became a regular after school activity. Chloe started sneaking vodka out of her parent’s house. She got her driver’s license.

It was fun.

For a while, at least.

But it wasn’t good for my scholastic record.

There’s a soft knock on my door. It can only be one of two people and I know which person I prefer.

“Yeah?”

“Dear, you have the door locked. Can I come in?” It’s Mom. Wrong person.

“Uh, sure…” I get up and unlock the door. Mom peers in like she’s afraid of what she will see. Like I’m hiding something. But the only thing I’m hiding is myself.

“What are you doing in here?” She looks lost.

“Studying.”

“Really?” She examines the pile of books stacked on the floor like they’re a science project.

“Yeah, I need to get my grades back up. Just in case, you know… Not that it matters, I guess.”

Mom’s face sinks. It’s a look I’ve seen before. I’m Mom’s perpetual disappointment – her hugest failure in life. I’m the reason her marriage is falling apart, the reason she hasn’t pursued a career and is staring at the wrong side of fifty with no job experience, and the person who is supposed to be everything she ever wanted in life but couldn’t achieve: she’s a mom and I’m supposed to be something more. The person in a generation with more opportunities and an easier road paved by women before me – I’m mom’s second chance.

And I failed her.

She sits on my bed and looks around my room. She looks like Alice in Wonderland when she first fell down the rabbit hole.

She points to the posters on my wall. “I don’t recognize any of those bands.”

“Modest Mouse and Foo Fighers: I doubt you’d like them.”

She picks up my iPod and examines the display. She touches the dial and moves her finger. “I don’t even know how to use this thing. I see kids walking around with these all the time. I don’t even know how to turn one on.”

“It’s not that hard, I can show you if you want.”

Mom puts the iPod back down on my nightstand. I wonder why she braved an entrance into my room.

“No, that’s okay. I’ve made it through this far in life without knowledge of how to use your Walkman. I don’t need to learn now I’d imagine.”

“iPod, Mom.”

“Oh, whatever.”
I get up and sit next to her on my bed. It’s been a long time since we’ve been like this; like a mother and daughter.

For a moment there’s silence. Then she breaks it. “How’s Chloe?”

“Fine, I guess…”

“Do you talk to her anymore?”

“Not really.”

“That’s too bad. It’s a shame to lose a good friend. Good friends are rare in this world. You two were connected at the hip from when you first met.”

“People change.”

“She’s a nice girl, Beckett. She’s just having a rough time. A true show of character is how someone acts in the rough times. When times get hard it’s a real friend that stays in for the long haul.”

“That’s not what Dad thinks.”

“Your dad doesn’t understand friendships between women. Dad understands money and status. He does his best Beckett, but you don’t need to take relationship advice from him.”

“He’s pretty mad about school, isn’t he?”

She stares at the floor. I follow her gaze. There’s nothing to see but crumbs and dirt. It’s been a long time since I vacuumed my room.

“He’ll get over it. Just give him some time.”

I nod my head. More to appease Mom than to agree with anything she just said.

“You should clean your room. Get the books up on the bookshelf and vacuum the floor. I’ll get the vacuum cleaner if you want.”

I look around. Mom’s right. A good cleaning is exactly what it needs.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chloe tells me that I try too hard to get Kale’s attention. She says I’m too obvious. That’s what she said: that I’m too obvious. Like I’m the one desperate for the attention of the opposite sex.

But the days are ticking away. Graduation is getting closer and every school in the Pac-10 is recruiting Kale.

The guy who crushed my heart is slipping away into his future. He flirts with me, but it never goes farther: he likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not… It’s like he knows he has my attention and that’s all he wants. My attention – to feel like the center of the universe – but there aren’t any benefits to giving someone my attention. I want attention back.

Toby Martin is having a party. Toby is one of Kale’s best friends. And I know Kale will be there and that’s all I really want.

I sit in my room twisting my hair around a hot curling iron. One section of hair, wrap around the iron, hold, repeat. I let the ringlets fall and watch my straight hair turn into a mess of curls. I spray them with hairspray to hold them in place. Chloe used to help me get ready for parties. Chloe was my wing girl. She saved me from going to these kinds of things by myself. Now I’m on my own. Well, at least Jennie and Emma will be at the party.

After I have a head full of curls I examine my closet. I want Kale to look at me and not look away.

Chloe is better at this stuff than me. Chloe knows how to get a guy’s attention. I’m lost in a room full of my own clothes.

I tiptoe into the bathroom to avoid Mom’s curious stares. Stares come with questions. Saturday nights come with questions. I hate questions. I don’t want to answer any more questions. I can’t wait to go away to college so I can be free from quiz city.

My make-up bag sits in a worn out tote under the sink. I pull it out and sort through the contents. Beige eye shadow, beige foundation, beige lip gloss… I blend in with the wall.

I brush beige shadow over my lid. I find an old tube of pink gloss that reminds me of freshman year. Of shopping at Rite Aid with Chloe after she got a job babysitting her neighbor. She bought me the gloss because my parents wouldn’t. I wonder if it’s even still good.

I wipe it across my lips. I’m sure I’ll have a rash on my mouth by the time I return home.

But at least I no longer look like a wall, which is something.

I try to sneak out the door. I have no desire to talk about my social life with Mom. I tiptoe towards the door.

But I’m out of luck – she’s waiting for me in the foyer.

“Be home by midnight,” is the first thing from her mouth.

“Midnight, really? Everyone’s allowed to stay out late now. Pretty soon I’ll be old enough that I won’t need your permission.”

“One day, yes, but that’s not tonight. You need to be home by midnight. I don’t want to wait up all night for you. Hence the curfew.”

“Really?”

She crosses her arms and gives me one or her looks. “Yes, really, I don’t want to spend the whole night worrying about you.”

“Okay, Mom, midnight it is.”

I open the door and walk out.

***

Toby is a friend of Jennie’s. She mentioned the party over lunch and since I know Kale will show up I jumped at the chance. But as I drive past the cars lined up on the road in front of his house, I begin to have my doubts.

I circle the block. Groups of friends walk into Toby’s. I think back to Court’s party. Chloe won’t show up at Toby’s. Not after Court’s. After that disaster, Chloe’s been pretty invisible.

I park at the end of the road and sit in the car. School is almost over and everyone will be moving on to their next life. Time’s running out for Kale and I. Rumor is he’s choosing between USC and UCLA. I won’t be in California. It’s either Pullman or Phoenix for me.

I’m stuck in my car in front of Toby’s house. I can’t believe I’m here by myself. I’m sure I’m the only person here alone. I grab my phone and dial Jennie’s number. The phone rings and no one answers. Two guys walk past the car. One looks in the window and starts laughing. I rest my head against the steering wheel and close my eyes.

A few minutes later I try again. Still no answer. I send a text.

Hey – u inside?

I wait. No response. More bodies walk past the car. Tiffany and Lexi stroll past. I want to go home.

I send another text to Jen.

I’m outside, how’s the party?

A few minutes later my phone buzzes.

Gr8t! Get in here! Kale’s inside.

Kale’s inside and suddenly this is a bad idea. If he wanted me to be here he would’ve invited me. But he didn’t and now I’m on my own.

I get out of the car and follow a couple of juniors into the party.

***

The house is filled with my classmates from North Lake and college kids that could never let go of their high school years. Girls who have been shunning me all year avoid my presence. I can’t find Jen. In a panic I search for the restroom – the perfect place to hide. My eyes search for the square-shaped room so I can hide. There’s no place to go. So I look for Jen or Kale.

I’m invisible in a room with all my former friends.

The room’s so dark and smoky I can barely see. Strobe lights flash in a circle, and combined with the smoke, I feel dizzy. I shake my head, trying to make the feeling go away.

I lean against the wall and blend into the scene. I spot Kale in the middle of the baseball team. He doesn’t see me. A kid wearing baggy jeans and one of those nostalgic t-shirts that says Pearl Jam across the front offers me a cigarette for a buck. I shake my head.

The room is so dark. I have no idea where to go.

 My cousin Ian walks by, holding a bag shaped like a bottle. He stops in his tracks when he spots me leaning against the wall.

Even my lame sophomore cousin was invited to the party.

“What are you doing here?” 

I shrug. “End of senior year party. What are you doing here?”

“Everybody’s here.” He waves his arm around the room. It seems like everyone is squeezed into Toby’s house. “Want a drink?”

A drink is exactly what I need – something to calm the nerves. “Sure.”

“I’ll be right back.” He disappears into the crowd.

After he’s gone I go back to scanning the room for Jen. Kale’s still in the back corner, holding court with his friend.

I send Jen another text.

I’m inside, where r u?

On the patio! Come out here!

I’ll be right out.

Ian appears in front of me with a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. “Here you go; this was all they had left other than beer. I didn’t think you’d want a Blue Ribbon.” Ian pops the cap and hands me the bottle.

I take a sip. The alcohol burns my throat on the way down.

One of Ian’s Trekkie friends sneaks up behind him. He reach down and pulled up the back of his pants, giving him a wedgie. Ian screams and spills his drink on my shoes.

“Hey man.” The Trekkiee shoots me a suspicious look. “Follow me.” He leans over and whispers something in Ian’s ear.

Ian nods his head. “Catch you later, Becks. Have fun.” And then he disappears into the crowd.

***

I need to find Jen. I squeeze through the crowd and I’m close when a familiar figure appears in front of me.

Kale.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming. I didn’t see you here.” He looks down at me and I can’t tell if he’s glad to see me or not.

I shrug my shoulders. “Well, you see me now.”

“What are you drinking?” He nods at the half empty bottle in my hand.

I turn the bottle around so the label is facing him. I wish I had more than half a bottle.

“Sissy drink,” he laughs.

“Having a good time?” I tilt my head and smile. My mind thinks through all of possibilities for the night. It’s my last chance with Kale. I’m sure of it.

“Yeah.” He looks over his shoulder, back at his friends. He reaches over and touches my shoulder. “Hey, I need to get back over there. Have a good time.”

I watch him walk away.

***

Jen and Emma are out on the patio sitting with the cheer squad. The girls I used to hang with – my former friends. Jen waves when she sees me.

“What took you so long?”

I shrug – Kale’s my secret.

“Come sit down. We’re talking about where everyone is going to college next year.”
I make myself invisible in the group. From my vantage point I can see the baseball players through the window. They’re holding red cups and laughing. I listen to the drone of colleges and sororities in the background and sip my drink.

Someone cranks the music. Bodies jump and swirl around the pool. Figures blur to the sound. The bass thumps against my skin. My pathetic existence doesn’t give me much to talk about. There’s nothing exciting about my college prospects.

Ten minutes later Kale disappears from the window and my drink is empty. A second drink is a good excuse to bump into Kale.

I stand up. “I’m going in for another drink, do you want anything?” I ask Jen.

“Yeah, bring me one of whatever you’re having.”

I push my way through the crowd and the dancers, back into Toby’s house. I scan the room for Kale, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

The room’s a blur of bodies and fermented hops and smoke. Everyone’s in their own place, hoping to find acceptance.

I head down the hallway, away from the blaring music, towards whereever Ian retrieved my drink. The dark hall is filled with shadows and I spot a familiar body at the end.

I squint against the dark and the room blurs and spins around me. And then I want to disappear. It’s Kale kissing a junior from the JV cheer squad. His hand rests in her hair and their mouths are locked together. He doesn’t see me.

I feel sick. It’s the feeling you get when you know that everything you thought you knew was really something else. 

He grabs her hand and pulls her back towards one of the bedrooms.

I turn and run.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I want to drive away, but I have nowhere to go – other than home – and home is the last place I want to be.

There are no tears. There’s nothing. I have nothing left. Everything from this year, every friendship I had, my whole family… it’s just too hard. The only thing left to do is make it to the end of senior year and then escape away to college as far away as I can get.

I put the key in the ignition and my phone beeps. I don’t want to talk to Kale. I never want to talk to Kale again.

But it’s not Kale.

My illuminated display says it’s Chloe.

I’m down at SB. What r u doing? Want to join me?

What?

It takes me a minute. Just a minute though: there’s only one thing Chloe is interested in these days.

Aurora Bridge. I’m sitting on the bridge. Come down here. It’s a beautiful night.

I look at my watch. I still have over an hour before I have to be home.

Fine.

I turn the key in the ignition and drive away.

***

I’m not sure what Chloe considers a beautiful night. I drive up the bridge and spot her VW parked in a business parking lot. The moon’s trying to break through the clouds, but the drops of rains chase it away. There’s a figure sitting on the bridge. I know it’s Chloe before I get out of the car.

The night grows darker by the second and the clouds thicken. Lights from the space needle sparkle in the distance. The city sparkles in the dark. There’s an entire world of people out there who are warm inside their homes – happy little families without a problem in the world.

The bridge is empty. It’s just us.

“Hey.” Chloe looks up and notices me for the first time. “It’s freezing out here. Are you trying to catch pneumonia?”

“Oh, hey…” Her eyes are a million miles away. “It’s cold out here? I didn’t notice. I’ve been sitting out here too long I guess.” She has drops of rain on her nose and her hoodie is soaking wet. She looks like she has been sitting outside all night.

I join her on the sidewalk. Already the rain soaks through my jeans. Goosebumps rise against the fabric on my clothes. It’s freezing. I have no idea why we’re sitting outside like this. But it seems appropriate all the same.

“How long have you been out here?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, an hour, two maybe…”

“Why?”

“Just curious… I guess. I don’t know. Do I need a reason? I don’t have anything better to do. It’s not like I’m the most popular person at North Lake right now.”

I cross my arms over my chest. My teeth rattle. Cars pass by. In the light I notice how skinny Chloe is now. Her legs are like sticks.

“His name was Ryan.”

“Huh?” Another car passes by. Chloe leans over and looks over the bridge. It’s a long way down.

“The guy from South Shore who jumped. His name was Ryan Martin. I guess his girlfriend started to date some dude from the football team and he got a D in Biology. I saw a picture of him in the yearbook. He had an unfortunate nose.”

I nod my head and look down. It’s a really long way. Getting a D in Biology doesn’t seem like a reason to crash against cement.

“It’s not that bad, really. Breaking up with your girlfriend. A lot of things are worse.”

The cold is winning. My body starts to shake. “That’s true.”

“Would you ever jump?” Chloe looks through me.

“No, I would never jump. Never, never, ever. It’s crazy.”

“I would, if I had to go… I think it would be the easiest way to go.”

Silence falls over us and the only sound left is the sound of cars passing by. In the distance I can see lights sparkling from houseboats. As the night wears on the lights go out. The traffic thins. I shiver in my damp clothes.

But I’m afraid to leave. Afraid Chloe might tumble over the edge.

“Ah… You again!”

I jump. The voice is scraggly and weathered. I look up at the familiar figure pushing his shopping cart. His one good eye examines Chloe and I. He’s carrying that metal car in his hand. Like it’s his favorite toy.

“Don’t you girls have anything better to do on a Saturday night?” he growls at us. “Especially you.” His eyes fix on Chloe. “You spend enough time in this God forsaken place.”

“I can hang out wherever I want,” Chloe barks at him. Her skin’s all red though. Even in the faint glow from the traffic lights I can tell how red her face is.

“I don’t know why anyone who has a better place to hang out would want to be out here at night. It’s too cold if you’re not used to it.” He leans against the shopping cart and closes his eyes. For a minute I think he’s asleep.

“Why are you out here?” Chloe asks. “You could be inside. They have places, you know.”

His one good eye opens and stares. “You ever been to one of those places, girl? I bet you haven’t. That’s why you can come out to a place like this and think it’s all cool and exotic. Because you don’t have to be here… If you had to be here you’d do anything to avoid it. A place like this isn’t a place for young girls who could be anywhere else. It really isn’t.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Chloe mutters. “If you did, then you would know this is the exact place I should be.”

“Girl, it’s not. Nothing is that bad. Not even for me it’s not.” He starts pushing the shopping cart down the bridge. He has a limp. He disappears in the distance.

Flashing lights come up the bridge. I look over my shoulder in time to see a police car coming our way. It pulls over next to us and I stand up. I’m a dripping Popsicle.

“Ladies, can I help you with something?”

Chloe stands up with a fake smile covering her face. “No,” she says. If I’m a dripping popsicle then she’s a melting iceberg. It’s obvious we overstayed our welcome.

“Can I give you girls a ride somewhere? Call you a cab?” He shines his flashlight in our face. I squint against the light.

“No, we’re heading home.”

“Okay, you girls have a good night then.”

I think he’s going to get in his car and leave. But he doesn’t. Instead he waits for us to leave. When it’s obvious we don’t have a choice Chloe heads towards her car and I follow behind.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Sun peeks between the blinds, making stripes against my bedroom wall. The stripes run the length of the wall opposite the windows. It reminds me of a prison.

I hear voices coming from the kitchen – Mom, Dad, and Cody. I’m not coming out of my room until Dad leaves for ‘the office’ or wherever he goes on Saturday without us.

Not that I’m saying anything.

I can’t believe I saw Kale kiss another girl. I place my hand over my eyes to block out the thoughts. I was such a fool to think the two of us could get back together.

And the thing with Chloe and the bridge is really freaking me out. It’s not healthy to drive out to the bridge alone and spend the night in the dripping rain.

My phone buzzes. I close my eyes. I want to disappear. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave around and then – ‘poof’ – senior year would be over. I’m so ready to go away to go away to school – as far away from home and my life as I can get.

ASU is looking like a front-runner.

A good fifteen hundred miles might be the answer to my problems.

My phone buzzes again. This time I pick it up off the nightstand.

It’s a text from Chloe.

Hey! What r u doing 2day?

I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to go back to the bridge. It’s the only thing Chloe wants to talk about anymore.

Hiding in my room from my dad.

Oh. Trouble?

Same old.

Want to get lunch?

Lunch is better than the bridge – it doesn’t involve death or awful weather. And it doesn’t involve my family. And it’s good to hear from Chloe. That there’s a sliver of possibility our friendship will go back the way it was.

Or maybe she only wants to hang out with me because I know her secret.

Sure. Where?

How bout Rock Bottom @ 12:30?

K, I’ll meet you there.

See you!

I place the phone back on my nightstand. I need to take the bus to meet her; I don’t want her picking me up. I don’t want to take the chance.

***

The bus is mostly empty on Saturday morning. I sit by the window watching cars race by. From my spot above traffic I can see inside the vehicles below. The bus passes families in SUVs; dads drive, moms in the passenger seats, kids in the back wearing whatever uniform is for that day’s game. Cheerleaders, baseball players, soccer players… Lots of happy-little-families with their heir apparent sports prodigies – a world that is a lifetime away from me. A woman sits a couple of seats in front of me. An odor drifts behind her. A guy sitting across from her on the aisle gets up and moves to the back of the bus. He’s about my age, wearing a sweatshirt, lost in the world of his iPod. He doesn’t look at me when he passes. I lean my head against the window and watch the world go by.

I can’t escape the rain. I step off the bus and walk to Rock Bottom. A man holds a sign that says: ‘Clean and Sober. Need money for food, not booze.’ He doesn’t look up at the people who pass by. I reached in my pocket and pull out a dollar. I drop it in his hat and he doesn’t say anything as I walk away.

Raindrops fall from the sky. It’s raining just hard enough to frizz my hair. I pull the hood from my coat over my head.

Chloe’s waiting in the lobby when I arrive. She’s on a bench, pushing back her cuticles, not looking at anyone around her. I see her before she sees me. She takes a break from her personal grooming to look at her watch. She’s wearing black jeans with tall boots. She has new highlights. I’m sure they’re supposed to be blonde but they have turned orange in her over-processed hair. I stand in the lobby, unable to move forward. It’s so weird being nervous around the one person who I used to call my best friend. She pulls out her phone and looks at the display.

I walk into the lobby. She stands when she sees me, her face awash in relief. “Hey! For a minute I thought I was being stood up.” She walks over to where I’m standing. We don’t hug.

“Sorry, I took the bus. I’m grounded from Mom’s car.”

“Oh, why?”

I shrug. “My grades… Life… Everything. I’m a disappointment to my father.”

“Your dad is hard to please. I wouldn’t get all bent out of shape over it.”

A peppy hostess comes over and breaks up our conversation. “Table for two?” She has a couple of menus in her hand. She doesn’t realize she’s interrupted anything.

Chloe nods. “Yes please.”

“Great, follow me.”

We walk up the ramp to a booth by the window. Miss Peppy put the two menus on the table and walks away. I think back to the last time Chloe and I were here together. That was before a gulf that not even Moses could cross grew between the two of us.

Chloe examines the menu across from me. Neither of us speaks. I look around the restaurant at families enjoying an afternoon lunch, college guys watching the football game, a couple of older men sitting at the bar. The rest of the world looks so normal.

Chloe places the menu down on the table. “I’m going to order a drink.”

I look around the restaurant. Everyone’s having such a great time, I have no desire to ruin it, or spend the afternoon in jail. I’m in enough trouble. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Ah… Don’t be a baby. I ordered one the last time I was here with my cousin’s ID and nothing happened. I’m sure they don’t care. Alcohol is what keeps their profits up.”

I glance around and lower my voice. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean nothing’s going to happen now. Plus, your hair is darker now. You really don’t look much like your cousin anymore.”

We look up and the waitress is standing over our table. She looks older, like thirty, without a sense of humor. Something that appears lost on Chloe. “Hi ladies, I’m Sarah, and I’ll be taking care of you today. What can I start you out with?”

“I’ll take a diet coke and an order of nachos,” I offer.

“The nachos are great here.” She turns to Chloe. “And what can I get you?”

“I’ll take a bacon cheeseburger and a rum and coke.”

Sarah hesitates. Her brow wrinkles and now she looks forty. Forty’s old enough to tell we’re still in high school. “Um… Okay, can I see some ID?”

Chloe hands the ID confidently across the table. Sarah examines the ID and Chloe. “I’ll be right back,” and then she walks away with Chloe’s ID.

“Oh shit.” Chloe’s confident face turns to panic. “Where’s she going?”

My heart races against my chest. This is all I need. Dad will ground me for the rest of my life. “I told you not to order a drink!” I grab my handbag to get up. My Coach handbag that Mom bought me for Christmas because I had “…been a good girl.” I probably should have given it back to Mom.

Leaving now is our only chance.

Chloe’s face fills with panic across the table. “Just wait for her to come back. Maybe she just went to get our drinks.”

I half sit and half stand. My body can’t decide which direction it wants to go. I want to run. Maybe Dad’s right. Hanging out with Chloe is nothing but bad news. Nothing ever ends well with Chloe. 

“Sit back down, she’s coming back.”

I sit down. Sarah returns with two drinks and Chloe’s ID. “Here you ladies go. I’ll be back with your food in a bit.” She places our drinks down, returns Chloe’s ID and then turns to walks away.

“See? It was nothing. She just went back to get our drinks. You worry about everything. You should relax and have a good time. You’re always so uptight.”

My stomach twists in knots. I sip my diet coke.

The couple behind us get their food. They came into the restaurant after us. The man has a heaping plate of pasta. All we ordered were nachos and a burger.

I look at my watch. “I wonder what’s taking so long?”

Chloe shakes her head without looking up from the table. This isn’t good. It can’t be good at all.

My stomach growls and I rest my head on my hand. Restaurant patrons turn their attention towards the restaurant lobby. I follow where they’re looking – a policeman has walked in. He speaks to the hostess. My heart jumps into my throat. I can’t believe what’s happening. I should have stayed home.

My last hope the police officer is hungry is squashed when the hostess points to where we’re sitting.

We’re totally screwed.

Sarah walks over to the cop. They speak for a few minutes and then the cop walks over to our table with Sarah by his side.

It’s then that I notice the words ‘General Manager’ on Sarah’s name badge.

“Oh my God…” I whisper under my breath.

“What?” Chloe looks over her shoulder. Her white skin grows whiter. She disappears into the wall. “Oh… Don’t say anything, okay?”

The cop stands above our table. His height hovers over where we’re sitting. My chest tightens.

“Ladies, having a nice afternoon?”

Chloe doesn’t say anything. The cat’s got her tongue. I imagine it ripping out the pink flesh of her mouth with its claws. I want to run to wherever the cat is going off to.

“Yes.” It’s all I can come up with.

“What are you having to drink?”

“Diet soda,” I answer.

Chloe doesn’t respond.

“Miss,” the cop’s attention is on Chloe, “what do you have there?”

Chloe looks at Sarah and back at the cop. She’s a rat stuck in a maze. There’s no way out. “Rum and Coke.”

“Yep, and do you have an ID to show your drinking age?”

Chloe opens her handbag and hands the cop Kendra’s ID. “Thank you, Kendra.” He examines the ID. “What is your date of birth?”

Chloe pauses a second too long, making it obvious she’s searching for the answer. “June 2, 1988.”

“Okay, and what street do you live on?”

Sweat drips from Chloe’s brow, landing in her coveted drink. She’s panicking and everyone in the room is getting a free show. “Uh… 23… No, 22… Um… 2142 North County Road?”

“Miss, you do realize it is illegal to provide a police officer false identification, don’t you?”

The cat has definitely run away with Chloe’s tongue.

“Miss?”

“Yes?”

“Are you breaking any laws here?”

“No.”

“Are you Kendra Baker?”

“Yes.”

Her hand shakes.

“You can’t lie to me, Miss, I’m a uniformed police officer. You have to tell the truth.”

Chloe looks at me. Her eyes search for an answer. She’s desperate. Like I’m somehow going to save her, when all I wish is that I stayed home.

I shake my head.

“No.”

“Can I see some ID?”

Chloe shuffles through her wallet. She pulls out her driver’s license.

“Chloe Baker, it looks like you’re seventeen years old. That would make you a minor in possession of alcohol. We’ll have to take you down to the station and call your parents.” The officer looks at me. “Your friend will have to come down to the station as well.”

Chloe stands up and I grab my handbag. I don’t know how it came to pass that having Chloe as my best friend filled my life with so much trouble.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Once I’m at the police station I’m allowed to call home. Dad answers the phone. I’d almost rather stay in jail. Scratch the almost. I wish I were the one being ticketed for underage drinking. Life would be much easier here in prison. I’m 100% sure of that fact.

I wish the stupid cop just let me take the bus home.

I wait in the lobby for Dad to pick me up while they take pictures and fingerprint Chloe. I overhear Chloe call her mom. They keep Chloe in a separate room. She’s in more trouble than me. I’m not in trouble at all. I wasn’t drinking.

At least with the cops I’m not.

They don’t realize that bringing me down here and making me call my dad is worse than a prison sentence.

Chloe’s mom arrives first. She walks into the lobby. I make myself small on the bench. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Mrs. Baker. Her face is tear-stained. Her eyes are big and wide and her pupils are dilated. She doesn’t blink. The tears collect on her face in puddles. “Beckett, what happened? Why are the two of you girls always in trouble? I can’t trust the two of you together.”

She can’t trust the two of us together.

Isn’t she a comedian?

I shrug. It’s all I have left to do. I have nothing to say to Chloe’s mom. Dad will be here any minute – I have bigger issues to deal with.

He’s scarier than Chloe’s mom.

“Where is she?”

I point down a hallway blocked with a steel door. “You should talk to the lady behind the desk.”

She wipes the tears from her face, then sucks in a deep breath and doesn’t move. It’s like she’s stuck. Like if she doesn’t go a step farther then nothing happened. 

“Can I help you?” The woman behind the desk asks.

Finally she moves. Her heels click on the cement floor. The sound bounces against the walls. I bury my head in my hands. I want to escape. I don’t want to be here when my dad shows up.

 The sound of the metal door banging shut tells me that Chloe’s mom is being led back to retrieve Chloe. I bounce my foot against the floor as I wait. I called Dad over an hour ago.

The door finally opens and Dad walks in. He’s wearing jeans, a coat, and a scowl on his face. I want to hide in a corner. I’m scared to move.

He spots me sitting on the bench and shakes his head before he walks over.

“So…” He looks around the precinct. “Do I need to sign something for you to leave?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not in trouble.”

“I can’t believe this. Your mom said you went out to lunch with the Baker girl and now look where you are. That’s the last straw. Being that girl’s friend has ruined your life. No more hanging out with her. I don’t care what your mom says or how long the two of you have been friends. The two of you together are nothing but trouble.”

Any other day I would have fought Dad on this, but maybe he has a point. Being friends with Chloe is ruining my life.

I follow Dad out the door.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I need a ride to school.

Again.

I wonder if my parents realize it would have been easier to just get me a car. It would save them the rides and the sneaking out if I could just get somewhere on my own like every other senior at North Lake High. If I had a car I wouldn’t have to depend on Chloe. But I’m not sure it matters anyway. School is almost over. It’s almost time for me to abandon my life at North Lake.

I stand outside Mom’s bedroom door, watching her get ready for work. She’s in front of the mirror with the door open, sectioning off her hair piece by piece. She wraps her hair around Velcro rollers, twisting them tight against her scalp, before moving to the next section. She holds the blow dryer against the rollers and let them set. Her eyes never leave her reflection in the mirror. She frowns as she examines her expression in the mirror and unravels the rollers. She leans forward and pulls on the skin around her eyes and her crow’s feet disappear. She brushes a comb through her hair. The comb gets stuck part way through and she works to untangle the mess.

She picks up a tube of lipstick and smears it across her lips. Then she leans forward and examines her reflection. She takes a tissue and wipes off her lipstick and replaces it with a tube of cherry chapstick. It’s the best she can do.

She sees my reflection in the mirror and jumps.

“Oh dear, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“Sorry about that. Can I come in?”

Mom runs her fingers through her hair and stands up. She’s wearing the same white blouse that she wore the day before and a wrinkled skirt. “Sure, is everything okay?”

I look around the room. Since Dad has been working so much their room is taking on a look of cluttered disarray. My parents’ room has gone from messy chic to just messy. Everyone’s worlds are falling apart around me.

I wonder what happened to Mom’s Mother of the Year award.

“Yeah, I need a ride to school. I missed the bus.”

She twists her wrist and looks at her watch. “Oh… I wish you’d let me know these things earlier. I need to drop Cody off and get to a meeting.”

I look at the floor. Without a ride I’ll be late for my first period quiz and it’s an automatic dock of ten points. My grades are bad enough.

Mom must be able to read my thoughts. “Go get Cody and tell him we need to get going. Make sure he has his books. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“It’s not a problem, Beckett,” she sighs. “Just let me know these things earlier next time.”

***

Cody’s sitting in front of an empty bowl when I walk in the kitchen.

“Hey, did you eat breakfast?” I motion towards the clean bowl.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m waiting for Mom.”

I look down the empty hallway; we need to get moving. “Why were you waiting for Mom? You’re a big kid, Cody. You can pour your own cereal, you know.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“Well, we need to get going, Mom has to drop me off and she’s going to be late.” I retrieve a box of cereal and milk and fill Cody’s bowl. “Hurry and eat. I’m going to go get your stuff. Mom will be out here any minute.” Cody just watches me in silence.

“Why aren’t you and Chloe friends anymore?”

I place the bowl in front of him. “Why do you think we’re not friends?”

“Because she has a car and we’re giving you a ride to school.”

“We’re friends still Cody. It’s just…complicated.”

“Maybe you should invite her over.”

“Dad doesn’t want her at the house.”

“Dad’s never home.”

“Good point.” I start down the hall.

“Thanks, Becks,” he calls after me.

“No problem.”

I wander into his eight-year-old room. It’s a mess of video games and plates that should’ve been put in the dishwasher. His books are on his bed, his backpack next to the pile. I throw them in and grab his coat. His alarm clock ticks on the table next to his bed.

He’s done eating when I return. “Here, put your coat on. Has Mom come out here yet?”

“No.”

I glance down the still empty hall. “I’m going to tell her we’re ready.”

She’s still sitting in front of the mirror. “Mom, we’re ready to go.”

She looks over her shoulder. “I’ll be right out. Get Cody in the car.”

“Sure.”

***

We wait in the car for five minutes. I’m about to go back inside when the garage door opens. Mom walks around to the driver’s seat and gets in. Nobody says a word.

We pull up in front of Cody’s school first. He’s out the back door before we even stop. “Bye!” he yells as he runs for the school’s entrance.

It’s just Mom and I.

She pulls back onto the street.

She sighs as she maneuvers the car towards North Lake. It’s been a morning of sighs.

“So, you should know your dad and I are having some problems.”

I nod my head and look straight ahead. I can tell by Mom’s expression that she thinks this statement is a surprise to me. Like I wouldn’t notice Dad sleeping in his office.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I am too. He went to visit his brother in San Diego for the weekend. He was really upset about having to go down to the precinct last weekend to pick you up. He doesn’t want you hanging out with Chloe anymore. He blames Chloe for being a bad influence on you and he blames me for not providing you better direction.”

Mom sniffs and I keep my eyes straight ahead. I already know I let her down. For the last year I’ve been a complete failure. I’m the girl who fell off the pedestal. But no one told me the pedestal was made of cardboard.

I hated seeing her upset. Mom is the last person I want to disappoint.

“I’ll do better.”

I know it doesn’t mean anything. The only year that really matters is almost over.

We get to school and I’m late. The parking lot is full and the sidewalks are empty with the exception of scramblers running towards the front of the building. Mom pulls up to the curb and stops.

“Have a good day Beckett.”

There are a million things I want to say, but only three words come out. “Yeah, you too.”

I hop out of the car and run towards the school entrance.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Words can’t express how happy I am to be almost done with PE – Physical Excruciation, Peer Embarrassment, Puke and Excrete. The end of senior year means no more putting on gym shorts and running with cliques of girls who play sports that I don’t understand. The winter weather is drying out and spring is here. Time to play softball out on the fields!

I don’t know how to throw a ball or swing a bat.

I change in the locker room. The room is filled with girls in various stages of undress. I divert my eyes as I try to hide in the back of the room. I put on a t-shirt over my sports bra, blue North Lake sweatpants and sulk out to the field.

Kirby Foster teaches PE. She’s fresh out of college, a former softball player, and she lets us call her Miss Kirby. She’s also a drill sergeant. When the second bell rings in the background she blows her whistle. Everyone starts to run. I despise running. Miss Kirby scares the crap out of all of us. She blows the whistle again and I set my legs in motion. By the time I get out to the field, I’m gasping for breath.

Note to self: join a gym and practice cardio.

I lean over to catch my breath. I’m shivering in the cold spring air. I spot Emma in the corner and walk over to where she’s standing.

Chloe and Hannah are standing in the back of the class. Hannah’s wearing high-top Converse and a Guns and Roses t-shirt that looks like it’s been stolen from her mom’s closet.

Miss Kirby splits us into teams minus the drama that normally comes with dividing up a group of high school girls. Thankfully the teams are prearranged. Last thing I want to do is stand outside in the freezing cold to be picked last. I want to make it to the end of senior year sans any more humiliation.

Emma’s on my team – she’s probably the only girl at the school worse at sports than me. We walk to the end of the bleachers and try to make ourselves invisible. I watch Hannah and Chloe walk out to the field. A few clouds roll across the sky and block out the sun. Not that it can get much colder. I cross my arms in front of my chest.

Our team is up first and I’m batting last. I don’t want to bat at all. Maybe if we get three outs in a row and the other team bats for a long time then we’ll run out of time and I won’t have to take my turn. Emma’s batting right before me – that will be something to see for anyone waiting for an exciting game.

Chloe runs out to right field. I’m so glad we’re not on the same team. All I need is our friendship to slowly fade away when we go to different universities. If she’s even going – with all her drama who knows if a school will even accept her. She’s got on a black t-shirt and purple sweatpants. She runs to the outfield. Girls group together and laugh. Chloe stands out in the field by herself. Like she’s contagious.

Emma leans over and whispers in my ear. “Isn’t that Chloe’s weird friend?” She nods at the catcher.

“Yeah.”

“What’s she like? Do you know her? I heard her brother got busted for selling E to a bunch of sophomores.”

I shake my head. “I don’t really know her at all. I don’t know anything about that.”

Miss Kirby blows her whistle. The sound rings in my ear. It feels like my brain might split in two.

The first girl up to bat is a senior who plays on the softball team – an All-American softball player – a girl that really knows how to play the game!

She stands at the plate, bat over her shoulder, ready to smack the first ball of the spring season. Ready to send it sailing over the fence! The pitch goes over home plate; the sound of the cracking bat echoes across the field, and the ball flies through the air, right over Chloe’s head in right field.

It’s like Chloe’s sleeping. The ball flies right over her head before she even moves. She looks startled when her team starts yelling at her. She turns and runs after the ball. Softball player number one runs the bases and crosses home plate before Chloe can retrieve it.

Next up is one of the juniors from cheer. She hits the ball right past the shortstop and runs to first base.

Then up comes softball player number two. Another ball sails over Chloe’s head. She throws her mitt on the ground and runs after it. I know Chloe hates running and I’m sure the cigarettes she’s been smoking aren’t helping. Her running is awkward and gangly. Her tall frame sprints across the grass. Cheers erupt from her teammates to “Hurry!” and to “Throw it to second!” drift in the air. By the time she gets to the ball we have scored two more runs.

Miss Kirby crossed her arms. “Look alive out there, Baker! You’re starting to look like a target!”

Chloe waves her arm.

Softball player number three is up to bat – a big girl – last year’s All-State third base player. The kind of girl you don’t want to cross.

She sends the ball flying towards right field. Only instead of sailing over her, this one is headed right at Chloe.

“It’s yours, Baker! Get your mitt out in front of you! Your team needs the out.”

Chloe stands under the ball with her mitt in front of her face. The ball starts its descent. She moves a couple of times.

“Oh no,” Emma whispers next to me.

I know what’s going to happen a few seconds before it occurs. Emma puts her hands over her eyes.

“Baker! Look up! Get your mitt in front of your face,” Miss Kirby yells across the field.

She looks like she’s really making an effort. But Chloe isn’t one of the girls on the softball team. I can’t think of the last time Chloe even wore a mitt.

The ball hits her dead center in the face in slow motion. It doesn’t even last a second. Chloe crumbles to the ground. Softball player number three begins her run around the bases while Chloe lays in fetal position in the middle of the field. Chloe’s hands cover her face and she doesn’t move.

“Oh crap.” Miss Kirby starts out to the field – no one else moves. “Maybe we need to practice some of the basics before we start playing games.”

She runs out to where Chloe is piled in a rumpled mess. Hannah runs over and leans down and touches her shoulder. I sit on the bench. Miss Kirby rolls Chloe onto her back. Chloe places her hands over her face and from where I’m sitting I can see her body shaking. Something that looks like blood leaks between her fingers. A few minutes later Miss Kirby gets her on her feet. They pass where we’re sitting. I watch her shoulders shake. I debate getting up. Chloe shudders when she passes our dug out.

Chloe moves her hands away from her face and stares at the girls from the softball team. Tears mix with blood on her face and her nose is a swollen mess. “Fuck!” she yells as she passes the bench. “Fuck that hurt! Fuck all of you!” She doesn’t turn back.

Physical Excruciation is done for the day.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The Facebook page is new. I log into my account Saturday morning and am met with the stream of friends who have become fans. I received more than one invitation to become a fan too:

North Lake High Blacklist Students: New addition, Chloe Baker.

I read the invitation twice. The invitation is from Joe Nobuddy. There isn’t anyone at North Lake named Joe Nobuddy, but he’s quickly becoming one of the most popular kids at a school with four hundred and fifty friends.

I wonder if I should report the group to Facebook? People aren’t supposed to make fake accounts for the sole purpose of harassing others. But if I voice my disapproval, won’t I end up on the blacklist too? The place where only the least popular students reside? Last thing I need is anymore negative attention from school or home.

It won’t be for much longer. Graduation is coming.

I don’t join the group and I don’t report it to Facebook. Instead I log out and shut off my computer.

I walk into the kitchen. Cody’s at the table eating Lucky Charms surrounded by empty chairs. The kid subsists on Lucky Charms alone. I worry he’s going to turn into an elf. Pretty soon he’ll be wearing green shorts and a green hat. Maybe his hair will turn red. I wonder if all the sugar will damage his brain.

And I worry Mom’s not paying enough attention to him. I’m almost a grown-up, but Cody’s just a little kid. A little kid eating Lucky Charms like it’s the only thing in the world keeping him alive.

My picture of senior year is messed up.

But, more than anything, I’m glad senior year is almost over.

“Hey, bud. Is that all you’re eating this morning?”

Cody looks down at his cereal like I’m accusing him of eating ants. “Yeah, so?”

“Do you want me to make you some eggs?”

He shoves a spoonful of Lucky Charms in his mouth and chews. “No, I’m fine. Can you go get Mom though? I’m going to be late for school.”

I look down the hall. Every day Mom’s a little later. Like life is getting too hard and she can’t deal with the day.

She’s not alone.

“Okay, sure, I’ll go down and see what she’s doing.”

The hall is silent as I walk towards my parents’ room. Dad’s long gone to work. Their bedroom door’s cracked open. I peek through the crack. Mom’s on her bed, still dressed in her pajamas, staring at the wall. She must not have heard me coming.

I crack open the door. “Mom?”

She turns towards the door and sits up in a hurry. “Oh, hi there Beckett. Is Cody eating breakfast?”

I look around her room. We need to hire a housekeeper. “He’s eating the rest of the box of Lucky Charms.”

Mom laughs. But the sound is all off. Like she’s not sure it’s appropriate. “Well, at least he’s going to school. I’ll let them deal with the sugar rush.”

“Are you going to take us to school?”

She stands up. “Sure, let me change.” She starts picking up pieces of dirty clothes off the floor.

“Mom, are you going to work today?”

“No, I asked for a few days off just to rest. Your dad is going away on another business trip and I thought it would be good to stay home and think things over…” The sentence drags out. I expect something more. But instead she picks up an old pair of sweatpants off the floor.

“I’ll wait for you in the kitchen,” I say as I walk out of the room.

***

She drops Cody off first. Cody sits in the backseat in silence. For once he doesn’t even ask us to turn on the radio. I think back to the list of banned students on Facebook. Chloe’s on the list. Once you make the list your life sucks at North Lake. It’s what happened to Ashley Sprague. Ashley was last year’s outcast. This year she transferred to South Shore High School.

Smart girl.

We should have followed her lead.

Cody jumps out of the car when Mom pulls up in front of his school. He doesn’t say goodbye. Instead he waves as he runs off. When he gets to the front steps Mom pulls away from the curb.

“He’s having a hard time with your father being gone so much,” Mom looks over her shoulder as she pulls out onto the street.

I nod my head in silence.

“Maybe you could take him out somewhere this weekend. He doesn’t want to be around me. He barely talks to me anymore.”

“I don’t think he’s mad at you,” I offer. I wonder if it’s the other way around. Maybe Cody thinks Mom’s upset. Our whole family is mired in dysfunction. Drowning in it, actually.

“Boys hold things in. It’s something you’ll learn when you’re older. You’ll get married one day and realize you barely know your spouse.”

I watch out the window as Mom drives. I hate hearing her talk about this stuff. She and Dad are having problems. Fine. But I’m not a psychiatrist; I have no idea what to say when Mom needs help.

Mom must sense my discomfort because she changes the subject. “How’s school going?”

“Fine.”

Silence follows. Mom turns right and the parking lot comes into view. I look at the clock on the dashboard. I’m ten minutes late.

“How’s Chloe?”

“She got hurt in PE and she hasn’t been coming to school. I haven’t seen her since.”

“What happened?”

“She got hit with a ball in Miss Kirby’s class.”

Mom nods her head. “Yeah, Miss Kirby played softball in college. I’ve heard from some of the other moms she expects a little too much in PE class.”

Mom pulls up to the curb. I grab my backpack and open the door. “Have a good day at school, Beckett.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

***

Another day, and there’s no sign of Chloe. She’s not in class, not in the cafeteria, not in the halls. I wonder if she has enough credits to graduate on time. It would suck to have to do this whole stupid year over again.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Miss Kirby moves away from softball to yoga. Maybe it’s the pouring rain, maybe it was the accident with Chloe, or maybe she’s trying to limber up. She stands in front of class on a mat wearing long pants and a floral t-shirt with her hair tied back in a bun. She looks Zen – as Zen as Miss Kirby can look anyway. I guess she wants to help us escape.

“Okay class, we’re going to try a few basic poses today as an introduction to Yoga. Let’s start off with tree pose. Those of you who have done Yoga before are probably familiar with tree pose.”

Emma’s next to me on her own mat. Emma is one of the few people at North Lake who I think of as Zen.

“Take your right foot and bring it up as high as you can on your left leg without losing your balance.” Miss Kirby takes her right foot and places it against her left thigh. I try to follow her lead. So do several of the other students, including the girls on the softball team. A couple of girls stumble. I wave my arms in the air to catch my balance. Miss Kirby looks around the room, her face etched with disappointment. None of us are on the path to become master Yogis.

As Miss Kirby attempts to help a couple of girls in the front row with their balance, Emma turns to me and whispers. “Where’s Chloe?” Emma models a perfect tree pose. Just like I thought.

I try again; I put my right foot up to my left knee. This time it sticks. I remember ballet – standing in a perfect pirouette – I take a deep breath.

Center.

“I don’t know.”

“Is she okay? Her face looked a mess.”

“I haven’t spoken to her.”

“Did you see she was put on the ban list?”

“Yeah.”

Miss Kirby glares at us from the front of the room. She puts her finger to her lips. “Shh… We need to stay centered, ladies. No talking.”

I inhale twice. I imagine a mountain creek. I pushed away everything going on around me. My classmates disappear. I don’t want to come back.

***

Chloe’s AWOL – missing in action – MIA. I stand outside last period calculus and pretend to read my history book. I’m really waiting for Hannah. Hannah’s the only one Chloe talks to anymore.

The class filters out. A couple guys from the baseball team pass. One bumps me. I fall back a couple of feet. He doesn’t say anything. I want to shout, “Excuse me!” as he walks away but I’m having enough problems. I don’t need any more trouble at school.

Hannah walks out of the class with her head down. She looks like she’s counting dust particles on the floor. She walks my direction without looking up.

For a moment I think of letting her pass. I don’t need to know Chloe’s whereabouts. Chloe’s not my responsibility.

I change my mind. “Hannah!”

She stops walking.

“Hannah, wait up!”

She slowly turns. As soon as she sees me she picks up her pace and walks away.

“Hannah!”

She stops again. This time she turns and looks right at me. I take a sharp breath. “Do you have a minute?” is all I can spit out.

She flips her wrist and looks at her watch. It’s dirty plastic watch from Target. “I have a minute. Go.”

“I… uh…”

She flips her watch again. “Fifty seconds. I have a bus to catch.’

“Have you seen Chloe lately?”

“You mean after she broke her nose and you and all your cliquey little friends had a good laugh? Or after that fucking Joe Nobuddy added her to his stupid list? No, I haven’t seen her. I wonder if I’ll ever see her again.” Hannah turns around and starts for the exits.

I follow her. “What do you mean ‘ever again’?”

Hannah shrugs. Her back is to me and I can’t see her face. “I think she’s had it with this place. I’d be surprised if she comes back. You know, she was your friend at one time, you could ask your little people to back off.”

I practically have to run to keep up. Doesn’t she know about the city bus? The city bus can take you anywhere if you miss one of North Lake’s busses. And you don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of being the only senior.

“Look, I know it sucks for her right now. I just wanted to ask about her and make sure everything’s okay.”

“If you want to know if she’s okay, call and ask her yourself.” We’re standing outside on the stairs. The engines to the busses start. Hannah hurries down the cement steps towards the bus. “Look, I have to go. Like I said, call her if you want to know. I really couldn’t tell you how she’s doing. I haven’t seen her either.”

Then she runs to the bus that’s shutting its front door, leaving me alone in front of the institution of learning that’s slowly ruining my life.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Mom suggested we meet at Bellevue Square for some mother-daughter shopping. Mom’s job is in downtown Bellevue and it’s easier just to take the bus to the mall. And she says my clothes are starting to look ratty. I guess shopping isn’t top of my mind. Mom thinks I need new clothes to wear to all the upcoming senior year activities.

Not that I have a lot going on.

But at least she can give me a ride home.

The bus is mostly empty Wednesday after school. I sit by the window. From my spot above traffic I can see inside the vehicles below. The bus passes families in SUVs – mom and dad in the front, kids in the back wearing that day’s uniform. Cheerleaders, baseball players, soccer players… A man sits a couple of seats mumbling about Jesus Christ. I wish I brought my iPod to block out the sound. A guy sitting on the other side of the aisle gets up and moves to the back of the bus. He smiles at me as he passes. I lean my head against the window and watch the world go by.

***

It’s raining when the bus drops me off at Bellevue Square. Now that’s something new. Rain in the Pacific Northwest.

The mall’s deserted. I walk in Nordstrom and a shoe salesman glances at me before returning dusting the shoes. I look around the department for Mom. No one speaks to me.

At five after five I take a seat on one of the benches and anxiously await a shopper in need of footwear; Italian cow skin and sparkling sandals surround me.

Ten minutes pass.

Great – I’m being deserted by my own mother – like things could be any worse. I’m positive she said to meet in the shoe department at five. Shoppers mill around a rack of boots. A couple of loud girls with Bellevue High t-shirts giggle around the MAC counter. The women at the counter wear purple eye shadow and heavy black eyeliner. Their clothes are covered with black aprons. Punk music plays in the background.

I count the minutes going by on my watch.

Where is my mom?

I sit back down.

“Can I help you find something?”

It’s the shoe guy who’s been dusting. Apparently I’m not invisible anymore.

Maybe I’m in his way.

“No, I’m just waiting for someone.”

He nods his head. I get up and walk over to the cosmetics department where I can see Mom if she walks in the store.

The Bellevue girls giggle over their new purple lips, blue eye shadow and white, translucent face powder. They look like a couple of vampires. Very Twilight-esque. The MAC rave is in full force. Right now they’re having a special promotion! Free makeovers for anyone who wants to spend $50 painting their faces the colors of the rainbow.

Another ten minutes pass. She’s now twenty-five minutes late.

“We’re doing free makeovers today.” An elfish woman with black hair, white face, and red lipstick gives me a hopeful smile. She’s wearing all black with a smock covering her clothes; the smock is filled with a hundred different brushes. She’s a face artist.

“No thanks.”

Black-garb girl looks down at the floor and walks away.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman waving. She rushes my direction and envelopes me in a bear hug.

It’s thirty-three minutes after five.

“I’m so sorry. I had a meeting that ran over and I got stuck in traffic and it just took longer to get here than I had planned.”

I shift my weight. “It’s fine Mom, I wasn’t doing anything anyway.”

Mom looks relieved. “Good. I was worried you’d be mad since you rode the bus out here and all.”

MAC girl returns when she sees I have a mother – a mother with a designer handbag and a pocketbook. MAC girl smells blood.

“Free makeovers today,” her attention is on Mom.

Mom’s expression lights up. She claps her hands and gives me a bright smile. “Perfect! We’d love to do a makeover! We’ll do the makeover and then get you something new to wear. I think a fresh look would make you feel a hundred times better.”

I don’t have the energy to fight back. I get into the make-up/torture device chair for the makeover to the new me.

***

Two hours later I have a new face and a new outfit. I’m masked by a layer of Nordstrom garb. It’s like I can hide behind it somehow. I’m officially ready to graduate from North Lake High and put an end to what’s been the worst year of my life.

Chapter Thirty

A couple of busy-body North Lake parents reserved Houghton Park for the Senior Bash – The-Senior-Bash. You literally count down the days to the bash from the first day of freshman year.

Mom let me use the car. Now that Dad’s gone she’s more lenient. Everything is, “Okay, go ahead,” and, “Whatever you’d like dear.” I barely have to put up a fight.

I always pictured how the night would go. Chloe would come to my house and help me get ready. She’d drive. We’d hang out with friends, snapping photos to upload to Facebook. Kale and I would kiss in the darkened parking lot. We’d share the event on Facebook. It would be the perfect send-off.

Now that I think about it, it’s almost funny.

I get out the outfit Mom bought me shopping. It’s the best I can do to try to fit in. 

Mom’s sitting on the couch reading a magazine with a frown on her face when I walk into the room. I know how she feels. I feel the same way.

“Oh dear, you look beautiful! That outfit looks great on you. I can’t believe you’re all grown up. What’s happened to time?” She gives me a tight hug. She acts like I’m on my way to prom, or the presidential inauguration.

But it’s nothing but an end of the school year party for the seniors and I’m wearing khaki pants. Only people who want to blend in with the wall wear khaki pants. I know planning these parties is Mom’s thing, but Jennie’s mom took over planning for my class’s activities after the Incident. I’m pretty sure Jennie’s mom will be voted North Lake’s Mom of the Year.

“Thanks, Mom.”

Mom + I = Total Failures.

***

The party is at the lake. I drive through the tree-lined roads, past houses on steroids that hide behind gates and security systems. Rich people are better at hiding from the rest of the world. The road narrows and I slow my speed. Last thing I need is to dent Mom’s car.

The parking lot is full when I arrive. I circle the lot, up and down the aisles, and I pass Kale’s car. I notice Tiffany’s car parked across from his, like somehow parking next to him makes them a couple. All the seniors are ready for a festive North Lake send-off. The party is starting without me. The whole year cruised along without me.

Beckett Smith: participation not needed.

I pull onto the street and head towards a dirt overflow lot. Mom’s car drives over bumps and kicks up gravel. I hear the rock scrape metal. As if things weren’t bad enough already. I might as well keep driving to Canada. Finally I find a spot in the very back, in the midst of parental SUVs. Maybe they belong to the organizers. I park next to Jennie’s mom’s Land Rover and turn off the engine.

I pull out my cell. Nothing. A year ago my phone would have been buzzing with messages checking on my whereabouts. This year no one misses me.

It’s like I don’t exist.

I lean my head against the steering wheel and close my eyes. I want to go back home. Who am I fooling? No one will even notice I’m not at the Senior Bash.

My phone buzzes and I look at the display.

R u coming?

It’s from Emma. Emma lives in a bubble – oblivious to my social destitution.

Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.

Where r u?

I just pulled in.

Good! See u soon!

I put the phone back in my handbag. At least I won’t be totally alone at the party. I can hang with Emma and Jennie and the rest of the group. Sometimes I think Emma’s sole purpose is to save me from hiding in a corner and wanting to escape life.

***

Voices get louder and laughter drifts in the air as I get closer to the lake. Trees flower around me. Spring is turning to summer. I walk down the winding path, following sunbeams that push their way through the branches, lighting the path. It’s a beautiful end of spring day.

The closer I get to the park, the louder the voices grow. A sign with bright colored balloons has an arrow pointing to the park: North Lake Senior Bash!

A couple of baseball players loiter at the edge of the park. Court sees me. He points and leans over and whispers in his clones’ ear. They laugh. I lower my head and walk past them.

I hear the word loser.

I can’t find Emma. The party is a sea of blue North Lake T-shirts and sweatshirts. She’s lost in an ocean of senior fish. Happy moms stand behind a festive banquet table, filling cups, keeping an eye out to make sure nobody dumps vodka into the punch bowl.

Jennie’s mom gives me a broad smile when I pass. “Hi, Beckett. The girls are down by the lake.”

“Thanks Mrs. Dunham.”

I squeeze past the knowledge bowl team. I overhear a conversation about quantum mechanics and string theory – foreign words that are a garble of letters – I have no idea what they’re talking about.

Jennie and Emma are on the shore of the lake with their jeans rolled up, laughing in the sand. A couple of girls from cheer stand with them. Emma waves her hand in the air when she sees me.

“Hey, Beckett! Over here! We’ve been waiting for you!”

I walk over to where they’re standing in front of the massive lake. The crystal blue water reflects diamonds back at the sun. Jennie tosses her hair over her shoulders. The four of them looked like normal, everyday girls.

“You’re here!” Emma bounces over and gives me a hug. Her dark hair glows in the day’s light. Jennie waves her hand at me. The other two girls keep talking like I’m not even there.

“Having fun?” I ask. I look around the party.

“Can you believe it’s finally here? We’re about to graduate! I can’t believe this is our last official school party together!”

“I know, it looks like everyone is here.”

“Yeah, everyone but your friend Chloe,” Emma says. Emma’s probably the only person at the school that would care to even notice. “Do you think she’ll come?”

I shake my head. “I doubt it. She’s been skipping class a lot lately.”

A couple of guys from the baseball team come over and bump Jennie. Jennie puts on a big show like it hurt. She groans and gives the guys a playful punch. The guys laugh and walk away.

“So,” Jennie joins the conversation, “did you decide where you’re going to college next year?”

I nod my head. “Arizona State University.” I pause for effect, then add. “Go, Sun Devils!” I throw up pitchfork fingers in a mock show of school spirit.

Mari is suddenly interested in the conversation. “I thought you were going to Columbia.”

Great. This is all I need: someone to highlight all my failures. “No, I’m not.”

Mari steps closer and tilts her head to the side. “Your dad went to school with my dad there, I thought he was making you go.”

“I…” What am I supposed to say? I didn’t get in? Everything’s bad enough. Mari must be the last person at North Lake to know I’m a total academic failure. So I just say the best lie I can think of. “I like the sun. I want to go study in the sunshine.”

I can tell Mari knows I’m lying. She narrows her eyes to try to see through me. I can see the wheels turning in her head. But she doesn’t call me out on it.

“Yeah, I don’t want to go there either. I decided on UCLA. My dad is so mad.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. Now Mari and I have something in common. We aren’t going to our parents’ alma maters. We’re total rebels against our parents.

***

The barbeque starts up and the smell of hamburgers, ribs, chicken, and steaks fill the air. One deep breath and my stomach growls so loud that Emma turns and looks over her shoulder. It reminds me that my clothes are falling off. I’m going to need a whole new wardrobe at this pace. Eating is the last thing on my mind.

We move away from the sandy shores up to where the other students are loitering. The baseball players are off in the corner wearing baggy shorts and flip-flops. I spot Kale and Court together. I hate Court. It makes me question Kale.

Emma finds a table for us to sit at to eat our food. I have a plate filled to the edges with barbeque chicken, potato salad, bread… I know I’m breaking some sort of blasé girls’ rule about eating a bunch of food in public. But I’m starving. And I need a distraction in front of my classmates at North Lake.

We’re sitting at a table a few feet away from the baseball team when the laughter grows louder.

“Hey, look who’s here!” It’s Court’s voice, ten decibels louder than the crowd.

I look over my shoulder to see the object of Court’s interest. It’s Chloe and Hannah. They’re walking down the hill towards the party. Hannah’s dressed in all black; Chloe’s wearing black jeans and a bright fuchsia t-shirt, as if the bright color will make her a happier person somehow.

“Hey, they’re both on the List now, aren’t they?”

It’s Kale. He’s close enough I can hear what he’s trying to keep in the group. I stop chewing. My heart beats in my ears.

“Oh, yeah, after what Chloe did? Chloe tried to rat me out last year. She almost got me kicked off the football team, you know. I’m glad it was her and that friend of hers that got in all the trouble. They took one for the team.”

Laughter breaks out. The kind of laughter you hear in a male locker room – or an asylum.

I take a couple of deep, sharp breaths. My fists clench. My fingernails dig into my palms as pain signals shoot to my brain. But for some reason I’m not able to loosen the grip. I look around the table. Emma’s right by my side, her eyes wide like two brand new silver dollars. I shake my head.

“She got everything she deserved: she slept with half the guys on the football team. If she didn’t want the whole school to see her naked she shouldn’t have been taking the pictures. If she hadn’t taken the pictures then I wouldn’t have sent them to the whole school.”

I put my fork on the table. The world swims around me. Blue t-shirts blend with the sky. The laughter is like a tornado swirling in the air. A high-pitched laugh rattles my ear. I grab the edge of the table. I shake my head back and forth, trying to expel what I just heard.

Court sent the pictures? Kale knew about this the whole time?

“You okay, Beckett? You don’t look good.”

I nod and take a sharp breath. The world spins around me. “I’m fine – I’m great.”

I look over my shoulder at where the guys are standing. Just then Court looks to his right. It’s like he feels me looking at him. Our eyes meet. A flicker of embarrassment crosses his face – just a flicker. It lasts less than a second. Court taps Kale on the shoulder. Kale’s face reddens the minute he sees me. Court grabs Kale’s arm and pulls him away.

I stare at my lunch, no longer hungry.

***

The girls laugh over their sparse plates of food.

How long does it take to eat a salad and a chicken wing?

It must take forever. I debate getting up to leave. I could just go home and skip the rest of the party. There’s no rule saying I have to stay. No one’s taking attendance and I’m not being graded on the Senior Bash.

I study Kale out of the corner of my eye. He and the group are lurking under a tree, away from the crowd. The earlier jocularity is gone. But Court’s still at it. He waves his arms in the air. He laughs. I watch him point at Chloe and Hannah. He points and whispers something to Kale and his followers.

Chloe and Hannah are sitting at the end of a picnic table. They are on their own little oasis. They might as well be on Mars. The only other person at the table is Lars Thomas in his wheelchair with his mother serving him with some potato salad.

“So, who’s all going to UW next year?” Jennie poses the question when her salad is half-eaten. Jennie doesn’t consume calories.

“A lot of people are going. Kale got a football scholarship, Court is playing baseball… A ton of girls are going: Lisa, Tara, Katie… We should all pledge together. That would be so cool if all the North Lake girls were in the same house. Are you going to try out for cheer, Jennie?”

Jennie shakes her head. “Not for freshman year. They already had football tryouts. Maybe next year. I want to concentrate on school the first year.”

“It will be so fun we’re all going together!” Katie claps her hands together.

The girls go on talking about the best houses to pledge: Alpha Gamma Delta, Delta Delta Delta, Chi Omega… They’ve suddenly learned Greek.

I’m not pledging at ASU. And I’m totally done hanging with groups of girls: too much drama, too much angst, too many feelings getting hurt and hearts being stomped on. At ASU I’m going to study, bring my grades up, and stay under the radar. I’m going to turn my life around. A fresh start is what I need.

Outside the masses of North Lake students, Kale, Court, and friends gather in a herd of testosterone filled high school boys. Those groups are the worst.

Chloe and Hannah haven’t moved off their island. Chloe’s looking around the party, like an animal at a zoo from her cage; everything is going on outside the bars. Life is what’s happening around you.

Mari’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “But Chi Omega is the sorority my sister went to. I’m sure I won’t have any problems getting in. She’d be so mad if I went somewhere else.”

Court walks away from the testosterone filled crew. Kale follows him for a minute. I watch as Kale waves his hands and points. Court shakes his head and keeps going.

“Delta Delta Delta has the best events though.”

“We should make a list with the pros and cons. It would totally suck to be in the wrong sorority. How would you ever get out? You’d be stuck four years at the university with all the wrong friends. That’s why we have to do some research first.”

Court walks down the hill towards the edge of the party…

“You’ll be stuck there forever…”

…towards where Chloe and Hannah are sitting.

“That’s why we need to make sure we get in the right house. It’ll affect our whole college experience.”

On top of the hill the guys are laughing. They’re watching Court like something is about to go down.

My heart skips around in my chest.

I stand up to see what’s going on.

Court continues towards Chloe and Hannah. They’re deep in conversation, oblivious to Court coming up from behind.

Kale catches my eye from the top of the hill and shakes head. My attention is back on Chloe and Hannah. They aren’t paying attention. It’s like nothing’s going on. I turn back to Hannah and Chloe. I want scream and warn them but nothing comes out.

And they still don’t see Court coming. They’re deep in conversation about something or other; summer jobs, college plans, stoner boys…

The guys on the hill pump their fist in the air. It’s like a circus.

Court can’t help himself; he sneaks up behind Chloe and lifts up her shirt.

She’s not fast enough to stop its upward trajectory. It slips right up over her head and he takes off running in a fit of laughter.

Chloe stands up and turns around. Everyone laughs. Like it’s some kind of comedy hour. The laughter rings in the air like bells. Chloe’s frozen in place in a black bra and denim shorts. Her white skin glows in the sunlight. She’s skin and bones – a senior class skeleton.

“What a dick,” Emma mutters next to me.

I’m frozen in place. If I walk over to Chloe then I’ll become a target too.

And I’m so tired of the drama and the negative attention and the name calling and the river between Chloe and I that turned into an ocean senior year. I’m so tired of it all. All I wanted was to come to the senior year bash and put the year behind me. I just want to move forward and forget about the senior year of suck.

So I sit back down.

Chapter Thirty-One

Nothing to see here.

It’s over and everyone moves on. Chloe and Hannah are so far outside the circle that even being stripped by Court doesn’t leave a lasting impression.

I can’t chew my food. I stand up and grab my handbag – it’s time to break away from the Blue Devil pride. I’m done with North Lake and the cliques and the abuse and the gossip and all the sucky things that go along with high school when you are kicked outside the circle and try to make your way back in.

Mari and Katie are deep in conversation. They don’t even acknowledge me when I get up to leave the table. I grab my handbag from the bench and turn around.

“Hey! Don’t go! Stay and hang out!”

It’s Emma. Emma’s always so sweet. The girl I wish I were more like – the girl that’s nice to everyone – the girl that saved me from spending my senior year hiding in a hole.

“I’m sorry. I’m totally out of here. The students at North Lake suck.”

Her face drops. Life is all tulips and butterflies to Emma. I doubt she understands anything different. “But we’ll be playing games later. We need you to be on our team.”

“I can’t. I hate this school. I’m totally out of here.”

Jennie gives me a warm smile. “Don’t feel bad,” she says. “Guys are dumb. They’re stupid and the only reason they exist is because their semen keeps the planet populated. You should stay: don’t let a bunch of dumb guys ruin our last party.”

I hesitate. It is our last party, the last torturous social event, so I sit back down.

The conversation returns to sororities and pledge outfits. I take a bite of barbeque chicken. The chicken is cold and sits in my mouth like dead meat. I chew and grab a soda to wash it down.

The skinny girls brought their bathing suits. They jump in the water and splash. One of the guys runs up to the beach and grabs a fully clothed girl and throws her in. Her screams fly in the breeze. She climbs out, dripping wet. The parents ignore the whole interaction. They’re here to serve food and nothing else. It’s not an official school event. There are no ‘official’ party rules.

Everybody can be a jackass. 

***

Fifteen minutes later the lake’s filled with seniors. Girls run in the water and scream, boys push in fully clothed girls, and the parents wander off to escape for a drink. Mrs. Dunham cracks open a beer.

Not that I blame her.

Kale, Court and friends rip off their shirts and jump in the water. Kale’s muscles glisten in the sun. I can’t wrap my head around what I heard. Kale was in on it the whole time. The – whole – time. What a dick.

The guys pull a couple of girls into the water. Bodies splash. It’s early spring; the water’s freezing.

Chloe and Hannah are forgotten. Court ran up to one of the juniors who had tagged along with her friends to the party. He tries to pull down her jeans. She turns around and swings at him and he ducks. He runs out of the water and she follows. But this isn’t angry; it’s flirtatious. Kale grabs a girl and tries to dunk her in the water. She giggles from the attention. I want to vomit. I rub my temples in my head, wishing the day’s events away.

I just want to go home.

A gasp from the direction of the lake rings through the air. I stop rubbing my temples and look out to the water. Everyone’s looking back up the hill. Emma grabs my arm. Her grip’s so tight that the blood in my arm stops circulating.

I follow everyone’s eyes.

Chloe’s back. She’s on top of the hill facing Court, wearing her bra and shorts. Sarah, the junior that he had chased up the hill stands between the two with her hand over her mouth, staring at Chloe. She’s holding something in her hand. The sun is behind her: they’re just three dots against it. I squint against the glare. Chloe says something and Sarah runs down the hill. Court and Chloe are left behind.

I put my hand up to block out the rays to get a better look at Chloe.

She’s holding a gun.

“Oh my God,” Emma whispers next to me.

A few voices scream from the lake.

I get up.

“Beckett, what are you doing?” Emma grabs my arm and pulls me back down.

Jennie looks at me from across the table. Her mouth moves but nothing comes out. She reaches over the table and grabs my arm. “She wouldn’t do anything, would she?”

I catch my breath. She takes a step closer to Court. Court doesn’t move. He’s not so brave any more. For once someone has gotten the better of him.

“I don’t know.”

“I mean, she’s not going to shoot us all, is she? It’s not going to be one of those school shootings that end up all over the papers, is it?”

“I…”

“I mean, she’s not going to go all Columbine on us, is she?”

“What should we do?” I barely recognize Katie’s voice. It’s octaves higher than normal – high enough to break my eardrum.

“Get under the table.” Mari grabs her arm and pulls her under. Jennie follows course.

Emma holds on to my arm. “You should talk to her; you’re her best friend. She’ll listen to you.”

“I know.”

“Be careful.”

This is what happens to the world’s most terrible friend. But I can be better.

I start up the hill. At first they don’t see me. Court’s walking slowly backwards. Chloe takes another step towards him. She holds the gun up in front of her. I could never believe Chloe’s mom kept unlocked guns in the house. I bet her mom never thought she’d use it for this.

“You think it’s funny?”

Now I’m close enough to hear them. Chloe sounds like an alien.

“No,” Court whispers.

“I mean, you think it’s funny to send pictures of me to all your friends?”

“No.”

“You think it’s funny to take off my shirt in front of everyone?”

“It was just a joke.”

“What kind of pervert are you to force me into the bathroom? What’s wrong with you? Are you sick or something?”

“I…”

I get closer. Chloe’s face is so red it’s not human. Sweat drips down her forehead. Her eyes fixate on Court.

“I wouldn’t fuck you junior year and you had to go around and torture me? You couldn’t take the rejection?”

“That’s not what happened.”

“Being Joe Nobuddy is a joke?”

“I didn’t mean anything by it. That group’s supposed to be funny.”

“It’s not funny.”

“Okay, I’ll take it down.”

“How would you like to be on a list like that? How would you like your life to be ruined by some guy trying to make up for having a small dick?”

“Chloe?”

Chloe turns and notices me for the first time. Her eyes look into another dimension. She stops pointing the gun for a moment. “Get out of here, Beckett.”

Court looks relieved. He also sees an opportunity to escape. He makes a quick move to his right. But he’s not quick enough. Chloe aims the gun right at his head.

“Going somewhere?”

Court looks half scared and half pissed. Like he can’t figure out why this girl he’s been harassing all year is holding a gun up to him. I can’t tell if he wants to run and hide or if he wants to stay and fight.

“Chloe, don’t do this…” But I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. I’m not a hostage negotiator. I’m not anything, really. I’m not even a good friend. “It won’t make things better. If you do anything, it will only make things worse.”

“How do you know that? You haven’t been through what I’ve been through this year. You don’t know how bad it is. You abandoned me for greener pastures. It might actually make things a lot better.”

“Chloe, please, next year is freshman year of college. You can leave. Remember, we talked about that? It will be so much better once we graduate. It’s only a few more days. Don’t ruin it this way.”

“Beckett, you have know idea… you don’t have to just take what people dish out to you, you know. You can do something about it.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see the rest of the seniors watching us on top of the hill. Everyone’s staring. I see our table. Emma, Jennie, Katie, and Mari are hiding underneath. I don’t blame them. I wish I could join them. But my life and destiny are on top of the hill. Their futures are with basketball games and sororities and honor clubs and boys and marriages and babies and four-bedroom homes with two and a half baths. My future is my best friend standing in front of me, holding a loaded gun.

Chloe’s head spins to the right and her eyes narrows. “What are you doing here? Want some of this action?” Chloe holds up the gun and points it right at him.

Kale graces us with his presence. Compared to Court he looks calm. Like he knows what he’s doing. Kale’s our own hostage negotiator.

“Chloe…” Kale takes a step towards her. “Please put the gun down. If you put the gun down we’ll all pretend like nothing happened. You can go home and it will be like you weren’t even here.”

Chloe doesn’t put the gun down; instead she points it right at Kale’s face. “You’re part of the problem. Go over there and stand by your friend. We’ll play a little game of Russian Roulette to decide which of the two of you is going to live.”

Kale doesn’t move towards Court. Instead he takes a step closer to Chloe. “Come on now, you don’t want to go to prison, do you?”

Chloe throws her head back and lets out a shrill laugh. She sounds hysterical, like a crazy person – or a person who’s been pushed too close to the edge.

“You think I’m worried about going to prison? Where do you think I’ve been the last year? Do you think it’s fun going to school and being mocked from the time I walk in the door to the time I leave? Do you think I’ve enjoyed having my life ruined?” No one says anything. Chloe stares at each of us without blinking. “DO YOU?”

Kale shakes his head. “No, I guess not.”

“Then why do you think I’d care if I go to jail? What difference does it make?”

I take a step towards Chloe, to get the gun away from her, to give everyone a second chance. “Chloe, you have your whole life ahead of you. In a few months you can go away to school and work on your degree. Go somewhere you won’t know anyone. In a few years you won’t remember high school.”

Chloe laughs. “Beckett, that’s funny. Thanks for the advice, though. My parents are sending me to UW because they can’t afford to pay for housing! Half of North Lake is going to UW. I’m never going to escape!”

“Chloe.”

“Beckett, you should go back to your friends.” She nods her head towards the table I have been sitting at. “I’d hate for something to happen to you.”

“Chloe, please.”

“You used to be my best friend, you know? When we were kids we were like twins. I used to think of you as my sister. Sisters would never abandon someone the way you abandoned me.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see the lights at the top of the hill. Flashing lights – but no sirens. Like they’re trying to sneak up on us. Kale sees them too. A brief look of relief crosses his face. Chloe has her back to the parking lot. She has no idea.

Maybe things would have ended differently if it weren’t for Tiffany. Good old Tiffany, she could pretty much ruin anything. It’s as if she doesn’t know why the cops are here – like she thinks they came because a couple of kids are drinking beer.

Like it’s all we have to worry about.

Tiffany screams, “Cops!”

And all chaos breaks out.

Chloe spins around. The cops will be here in minutes. And she’s holding a loaded gun.

“Shit!”

She turns to Court, her eyes filled with hate. “You ruined my life.” She walks towards him with the gun out in front of her.

It happens so fast that if I had blinked, I would have missed the whole thing. She points it at Court and this time Court knows she’s serious. He ducks like a baby. Water drips down his pants and puddles under his legs. Pissing yourself really says a lot about a person. The cops get closer. Chloe’s eyes meet mine.

“I’m sorry things didn’t turn out senior year the way we wanted,” she whispers. Tears fall out of her eyes. Her hand shakes so hard that the gun does a little dance. “Tell your mom thanks for having me over on the holidays. She really should be North Lake’s Mom of the Year.” She takes a deep breath - although it’s more of a gulp, really.  “But I really can’t take another day of this.”

She takes a couple of steps towards me and reaches her arm out. The gun dances on the end, shaking like a flag in the breeze. She hands it to me. I take it because I don’t know what else to do. It’s cold in my hand. It feels like ice.

Then Chloe looks over her shoulder and runs. No one stops her. Not a single person tries. And by the time the cops show up and get out of the car… she’s gone.

Chapter Thirty-Two

I’m on a bench in the police station staring at the wall. It’s the same police station I sat in when Chloe got her MIP. Everything’s the same: the same woman’s behind the desk, the walls are the same color. Even the black spot on the wall hasn’t changed.

My heart sits in my stomach. It beats, sending acid up into my mouth, choking me on the way up. I lean over and throw up on the floor.

Vomit spreads across the tile and pools in the cracks. Chloe’s mother isn’t at the precinct. The cops are looking for Chloe. No one knows where she is.

Court and Kale are in the back, giving a statement to the officers. I’ve already given mine.

What they didn’t ask is what kind of person allows her best friend to get to that point? What kind of friend ignores a cry for help because she’s sick of being left out of everything fun? Who abandons a friend for a seat at the cool table?

That person’s sitting on a bench in a freezing police precinct, tapping her foot against the floor, waiting for her mother.

I realize that the khaki pants and a white polo shirt I’m wearing are the same as Chloe’s I’m-trying-to-stay-out-of-trouble-and-fit-in outfit. That fact might have been funny in a different time and place.

Voices laugh in the background – a couple of security officers probably looking at porn. The earth spins on its axis. Oxygen inflates my lungs and expands my chest. I put my elbows on my knees and my head between my hands.

A tear falls from my eyes and lands on my knee – then another and another – it looks like I’ve been walking out in the rain.

The door to the precinct opens and in walks my mother.

She stands in the doorway like she doesn’t know what to do. Dad picked me up last time. Mom’s never been in the precinct. She’s out of place in her pastel blue suit and matching pumps. Her face is a cross between disappointment and sorrow. The sorrow is worse.

“Where’s Chloe?”

I shrug. My shoulders are the only thing that moves. They go up and down, saying both nothing and everything at the same time. “Not sure.”

The words sit, waiting for a response.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.”

“Do I need to talk to anyone before we leave?”

I look around. The only person in the room is the receptionist who’s on the phone and filing her nails. The sound scrapes the air. “No.”

“Great, let’s go. You can tell me what happened on the way home.”

***

The world outside the car exists in normalcy. That’s the way life is: everyone is doing something better than me. More normal. Better prospects.

The people who are living in that world aren’t returning from the police precinct.

I lean my head against the window and watch the world race by. Mom takes a right and we drive over a bridge. It’s boating season and the water is filled with boats that sail across the sparkling water. I feel the bridge vibrate under the car.

I know where Chloe is.

And I need to hurry.

“Mom?”

“Yes, dear?” She doesn’t look at me, instead her eyes fixate on the road.

“Can I borrow your car?”

Her lips purse. “I…. I don’t know what I’d say to your farther.”

“Mom, please – it’s important.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea...”

“Mom, I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t important.”

She stares at the traffic in front of us, like if she doesn’t speak the question will go away.

“Mom?”

“You need to be home before 8:00. Your dad’s working late tonight. I need you home before he returns.”

She takes a right onto our street. My leg bounces up and down on the floor. I need to get to the bridge before it’s too late.

Chapter Thirty-Three

I text Chloe and she doesn’t answer.

I dial her number a hundred times.

I’ve tried so many times that my phone feels hot.

Look, I’m not going to call the cops.

Silence.

Where r u?

Silence again.

Just tell me where you are! I won’t tell anyone. Pinky promise.

Nothing.

I know she’s at the bridge. It’s the only place she’d go. But I don’t want her to know I’m coming. I take the exit off the Interstate and head her direction.

***

It’s the same and different. The difference is the sick in my stomach. The acid trickling up my throat. The fact that I know Chloe will jump. I know she will. I’ve known the whole time.

I spot Chloe’s red bug as soon as I pull into the parking lot. I park Mom’s car next to hers and start running up the sidewalk, towards the pedestrian walkway on the bridge.

She’s standing in the same old spot, the same spot she’s always stood in, watching the sunset in the distance. She doesn’t see me coming. I slow down when I see her safely on the sidewalk. My lungs burn. My legs feel like needles are poking them from the outside. I can’t remember the last time I exercised besides standing around the softball field in gym. There are so many things over the past year I should have done different.

I slow my pace and keep my eyes on the stick figure with the baggy black t-shirt and unwashed hair. She didn’t bring a purse. I’m certain she thought it wasn’t necessary. 

Then she sees me and her body stiffens. She takes a step back – closer to the edge of the bridge.

“Chloe? Please… come with me. Let’s go home.”

She shakes her head but her whole body shakes, like all her faults are moving and she’ll break apart in an earthquake.

“Go away, Beckett.” Her words are a whisper. I dared to get close enough to hear it.

Cars pass by us. No one stops. We’re two high school girls going on a walk. That’s all we are… maybe we’re fighting over a boy or over a rumor at school. Everyone has someplace to go, too busy to pay us attention. Life is happening all around us. Traffic is oblivious to the fact a life might end right here.

“Look… Chloe, please, let’s go.”

“No. Go away. You don’t want to see this, Beckett.”

“Chloe!”

“I can’t… They’ll take me to jail. Everyone hates me. I’ve ruined everything. I can’t go to jail. What will I do? I’ll never get a job. There’s nothing left. This is all there is to it. It was never meant to be.”

“Chloe – I don’t know how to do this… I… I don’t know what to say. Don’t… please don’t do this.”

I reach out to grab her arm to pull her away from the side of the bridge, but she’s too fast. She grabs the rail and pulls herself over. Just like that, in less than a second she’s on the other side.

Fate stands between the two of us.

I take in a sharp breath through my nose. It fills like a million little needles are stabbing the insides of my nostrils. The air smells like metal.

“Don’t – come – near – me,” she hisses.

“Ah… you again!”

I spin around before I have a chance to realize taking my eyes off Chloe is a mistake. It’s him: the troll from under the bridge with his shopping cart filled with blankets and newspapers. He’s skinnier than the last time – and dirtier – and his eye looks worst. It looks so bad it’s almost silver. A silver circle that reflects the light around us. The eye distracts me. He’s still holding that tin car. He looks just like the troll.

I turn back to make sure Chloe is still with us.

She’s gripping the edge of the bridge and her arms are shaking. They look like noodles. Tears stream down her face. I’m scared to get closer. I’m worried if I take a step closer she’ll disappear.

I don’t know what to do.

And it’s weird because people who have had near death experiences say your life flashes before your eyes. I never heard it happens to you if it’s your best friend.

I see Chloe and I jumping on a trampoline in her backyard. I see birthdays and balloons. I see those cork heeled shoes of hers I wanted so bad. Chloe was always so cool. She was the girl I always wanted to be – the better one between the two of us – the one who was always more brave. The one who all the boys liked.

But she was also more dramatic. Like when Bobby Finch unsnapped her bra in seventh grade and she refused to come to school for a week. Or when she didn’t make cheer in eighth grade and she boycotted all the basketball games.

Chloe feels deeper than I do.

It’s the type of thing that sends her to the edge.

My body shakes so hard it vibrates.

“I don’t see why you two girls are out here tonight.” The troll turns to Chloe. “You girls are in the wrong place.”

“You don’t know anything,” Chloe hisses back.

The troll walks closer. I notice he walks with a limp. He pushes the shopping cart with one hand and holds the car in the other.

“What do you mean I don’t know anything? What is it do you think I don’t know? You’re the one who has a home and an education. And you want to jump? You’re crazy. You should swing your leg back over to this side and I’ll have your friend here call the funny farm to come get you.”

Oh God. This isn’t what Chloe needs to hear. I turn to the troll and shake my head. He needs to stop. But he ignores me.

“You think you have it bad?” He steps closer to her. “You ever sleep outside at night? You ever wake up to a gun to your head or a knife to your throat? When was the last time you saw someone in your family? Can you think of at least one person who cares about you? Just one? I bet you can. I’m looking at one person right now.”

I look at the sidewalk. Cracks surround us. The sidewalks are cracked and so are the three individuals standing on the cement.

Cars stop. I see someone open the driver’s door and start dialing on his cell phone. They might as well be on a different planet.

“You have anything to say?” He gets closer to the edge.

“Get away from me! Don’t come near me!”

“Do you?”

He goes to the edge, about ten feet from Chloe, and swings his leg over the side. His body is all shaky, like he can barely hold himself up. He’s so skinny. And dirty. He pauses for a second and then swings the other leg over. He’s gone to the other side. A person has to want to come back once they’ve crossed over the edge.

“If you come any closer to me… I’ll…” She looks around frantically. Her eyes bulge. She’s not alone anymore. “I’ll jump if you come any closer. I swear to God I’ll do it.”

“Then I will too. If you jump… I’m going with you.” His arms shake while he says it. He’s not as strong as Chloe. His hand slips. He’s barely holding on.

It’s like I’m watching a slow motion train wreck. I can see what’s about to happen, but I can’t stop it. But there’s one thing I know for certain. Chloe will jump and I’m sure the troll will too.

“Hey…”

The word falls on deaf ears. No one is listening. Their minds have gone to a far away place where decisions are made that can only be made on one’s own.

“There’s nothing so bad it would send you over the edge.” The trolls voice is shaky. “All you have to do is go back to the other side.”

Chloe’s face grows red. Sweat drips down her face. Tears join the sweat. Her face is soaked.

“I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take another day.”

“What’s so horrible?” The troll’s voice is a whisper. He’s barely hanging on. I take a step his direction to help him, but he shakes his head. He doesn’t want my help. If Chloe goes over the side of the bridge, he’s going with her.

Chloe chokes in a deep breath. “People won’t leave me alone. They won’t stop. I can’t do anything. Everywhere I go…” Her body shakes. A couple of drops of rain drip from the sky. The railing starts to gloss, it’s coated in tiny diamonds. I watch her fingers start to slip.

But she’s not coming back.

“You can ignore what people say. It doesn’t have to define you.”

“I just want it to go away.”

“Jumping’s not the solution. A girl like you with your whole life ahead of you? This isn’t the way to go.”

Chloe starts to cry. She sounds like an injured animal. It’s not a sound I’ve heard before. It’s not…  human. Flashing lights reflect against the railing. From behind me the sound of hurried footsteps fills my ears. I see men in uniforms running our direction. The police may as well be in another dimension. Chloe’s going to let go before anyone can help her – I’m sure of it.

“Miss, there’s nothing keeping me here – but I keep staying. You never know when things are going to turn around. Things could turn around tomorrow. That’s what I keep waiting for. If you left now, you’d never know.”

Chloe shakes her head. Tears drip down her face and fall to the cement with the rain.

“That kid from South Shore that jumped off bridge a few months ago. I read in the paper that the following day his school was set to announce he got the lead part in the school’s play. He wanted to be an actor. He never found that out. Maybe it would’ve changed something for him…” His voice is weak. I can tell he’s running out of energy.

“I can’t anymore.”

“Yes you can. All you have to do is climb over to the other side.”

The animal sound gets worst. It’s the sound of someone who wants to leave. A man appears by my side. He’s wearing a uniform.

“That your friend?” he whispers under his breath.

I nod.

“You think she’ll jump?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“We have a negotiator on the way. She’ll be here any minute.”

The troll is the only hostage negotiator we have now. “Pictures aren’t a reason to do this… A young girl like you? This isn’t the way to go.”

Chloe’s body vibrates as her fingers slip from the rail. The raindrops come down faster. The railing is getting more slippery.

“I…” Chloe looks over at me. Her face is terrified. She looks at the troll. She looks at the people on the bridge. I can tell she can’t make up her mind. These are her final seconds. With the rain coming down, she won’t be able to hold on much longer.

“Go back over,” the troll orders.

“I…” She pulls herself forward, but she’s out of strength. “Help me…” She looks at me. Her expression scares me. “Beckett, please? I can’t get over.”

I rush over to Chloe and the police officer follows behind. “I’ll do it,” the policeman says before I have a chance to help. He grabs Chloe’s arm and pulls her over. She gets to the sidewalk and her legs are all wobbly. Her face stained with tears. She looks around like she barely knows where she is.

“Don’t do that again,” I hiss at her. My heart feels like it might beat out of my chest.

The policeman goes to the troll and pulls him over. I look over my shoulder. He’s so frail. And I never realized how young he looked before. His time on the streets is killing him.

“I didn’t need your help,” Chloe lurches at the troll. She grabs an old Coke bottle that had been discarded on the sidewalk, a bit of trash left behind. She rushes at him and cracks him right over the head. “I don’t need you to tell me about my life. I would’ve jumped. You should have let me go.”

He presses his hand over the wound, but blood trickles out of the sides. He doesn’t say anything though. He doesn’t even cry.

“Chloe!” I grab her arm.

A police officer comes over. For the first time I notice that the road is lined with ambulances, fire trucks, police officers. It’s like all of Seattle came to help.

“Well! I don’t need anyone’s help!”

A group of paramedics come our direction. A couple go to the troll and a woman walks over to Chloe. I can tell it’s the negotiator. She looks like she’s done this before. She approaches Chloe and they begin to talk. The troll is taken over to an ambulance where a paramedic looks at his eye. I stand in the middle of it all, knowing Chloe isn’t the only person who needs to make a change.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Senior graduation happens minus Chloe Baker. She’s granted a diploma and all. Somehow she completed enough classes to finish school. But she misses the ceremony. According to the hospital where Chloe is staying, she’ll be missing quite a few things this summer.

Every year North Lake High School celebrates sending its newly minted graduates out into the world with an awards ceremony. You know, those awards they give out at the end of senior year when the world still seems small and you feel like you might make something of yourself out there. It’s also a chance to show your parents where their tax money has been going.

We pull up in front of the school and Mom circles the parking lot looking for an empty spot.

“Do we have to do this?” I ask. I want to just leave North Lake in the past. I’m not sure why everybody keeps trying to torture me with it. But I know everyone is really interested in who’s going to be named Most Likely to Succeed, Miss Popularity, and, of course, North Lake’s Mom of the Year.

“Dear, I know how hard things are for you right now, but if you skip out on the awards ceremony and your graduation you will regret it later.”

I don’t say anything. She pulls into a spot and we all get out.

North Lake’s Senior Year’s Ceremony is a chance to dress up and get ready to be an adult. Guys in ill-fitted suits walk towards the gymnasiums, white legs poke out underneath dresses, and cheap plastic heels click against the asphalt parking lot. I count the steps as we walk into the gym. One, two, three… We walk in silence.

I don’t have to say anything. Mom heads to the very back of the gymnasium and takes a place in the last row. Cody sits on one side and I sit on the other. All I want to do is make a quick escape.

Principal Davis stands in front of a gym filled with North Lake’s best. His end-of-the-year-speech is very: “We’ve prepared you for the world, now go out and get them!”

Then it’s time for the awards. I stare straight ahead as Principal Davis starts handing them out. I ignore the constant stream of swiveling heads that keep turning my direction. I’m a freak show. The person whose best friend tried to jump off a bridge.

I wonder if there’s an award for the world’s most crappy friend?

Principal Davis starts reading the names of the lucky winners:

Student of the Year: Emma Chen.

Athlete of the Year: Kale Fenton.

Miss Popularity: Jennie Dunham.

The list goes on and on. No one calls my name. I spent the year as a phantom at North Lake. But it’s probably a good thing. I’m sure I don’t want the only kind of award I’m qualified for.

After the student awards come the parent awards.

Sports Mom of the Year: Elizabeth Fenton

Scholastic Parent of the Year: Dick Larson

Mom taps her finger against her leg. The room rustles. The moms around the gym suddenly get more interested in what Principal Davis has to say.

North Lake Mom of the Year: Sarah Dunham.

Mom claps her hands and watches Mrs. Dunham walk up to the stage to receive her plaque. It’s the plaque my mom has been striving for since I started at North Lake. I can’t believe I ruined the one thing Mom always wanted.

My mom’s been all cookies and cupcakes and carpools my whole life.

I reach over and put my arm around her. “You’re a great mom,” I whisper in her ear.

She nods her head and smiles. It’s the first smile I’ve seen all day. “Thanks, dear. That’s all I need to hear. My children are what matter to me the most.”

Principal Davis continues handing out awards to the steady stream of recipients.

***

On the way out to the car I keep my head down and push my way through the crowd without making eye contact with a soul. Mom was wrong about one thing: I could have missed the whole stupid award ceremony and not felt bad about it at all.

We’re almost to the car when I hear my name. “Beckett!” I recognize the familiar voice and decide to keep walking. “Beckett! Wait up.”

My mom stops and turns to me. “You should talk to him.”

“I don’t want to,” I say without stopping.

The owner of the voice catches up with my family.

“Nice to see you, Kale,” Mom says. She gives me a look and I stop.

“Hi, Mrs. Smith, hey, Cody…” For the first time ever, Kale looks unsure of himself standing there in front of us. He gives me a soft smile. I can’t meet his gaze so I just stare at the ground. “Beckett, please, just a minute.”

Mom starts off with Cody. I want to follow her but Kale grabs my arm – I pull it away. “Fine,” I mutter.

Once Mom is out of earshot he starts, “I… You should know it was Court’s idea to send those photos. He sent them before I could stop him…” A long pause follows. It’s like he wants me to say something. Like he’s waiting for it to be that easy and I’ll forgive him and he can just let it be a bad memory. Like all he has to say is sorry and magic makes it all better. But life doesn’t quite work that way. “Beckett, I’m really sorry. I wanted to tell you earlier and I couldn’t. I don’t know why.”

I shift my weight back and forth from foot to foot. I think back to a year ago at the end of junior year. How different everything was. If only there was a way I could turn back the clock. Then I could do everything different. I could be a better friend. I wouldn’t put a dumb guy in front of a friend.

“Beckett, please say something.”

I feel tears in my eyes. They start falling from my face and land on the sidewalk. I’m raining.

I shrug. “I don’t know what to say. But I don’t think we should be friends anymore. I think that would be better.”

He’s surprised. It shows in his eyes. But it doesn’t take long to accept it. Maybe he’s known it the whole time.

“Okay.” Then he reaches over and gives me a hug and we go our separate ways.

Chapter Thirty-Five

There’s just one more thing I need to do before school starts. I changed my mind about Arizona and decided on WSU: it will keep me in Washington, close to my family but still far enough away that it will give me some space.

Space is what I need – a place where I can start over – a place where I can forget about the bridge.

And the jumpers.

Chloe’s ‘resting.’ That’s how her mom refers to the mental health facility where Chloe is spending the summer. She’s allowed visitors on Friday. I went to see her. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone who got so close to the edge.

But I did make her one promise and right now I’m following through.

The funny thing about life is it moves along without you. Whether you are there or not the earth spins and makes its trek around the sun. You can join the trip or make an exit.

You take your chances on what happens on the other side.

I park in the regular spot by the bridge. It’s a normal Seattle day: gray skies, a breeze, rain dripping from the sky. It could be any day.

I hug the edge of the sidewalk. Traffic races by, kicking up mud from the puddles that have accumulated along the road. A car honks. The sound screams in my ear and I jump farther away from the road as traffic races by.

The Freemont Troll sits alone under the bridge. My eyes search for his doppelganger, but he’s not around. The troll and I are alone under the bridge. I remember coming here with Chloe and sitting on his outreached hand.

I should have done more to help. She unraveled in front of me and all I could do was watch. I should have talked to Mom. I should have gone to the school counselor. Anything would have been better than hanging out with her at the bridge and ignoring her in the cafeteria.

I approach the troll. He’s got a chip of cement missing right above his hubcap eye. I crawl up his hand and sit down. Traffic races by overhead. The bridge shakes above me. Visions of an earthquake and cement tumbling down on my head creep into my thoughts. It should scare me more than it does.

“Hey!”

I jump. My heart leaps up into my throat, beating a million miles a minute.

I look over my shoulder. A woman in a long black coat with socks on her hands and a shopping cart filled with newspapers gives me a warning look. Her right cheek is covered with dried mud, like she slept on the ground and hadn’t bothered to wash off her face when she woke up.

I step down from the troll’s hand. “Hi.”

“What are you doing down here? You’re in my home. Get lost before I call the police.”

I give her a curious look. The police don’t enable people who live on the streets. If they find out she lives here they’ll take her to a shelter.

“I’m leaving. I was just going for a walk.” This seems to satisfy her. She takes a flashlight out of her shopping cart. She pushes a button to try to turn it on, but nothing happens. I watch her try to light up the world around us. “Can I ask you something?”

“If you promise to leave after you do. I don’t like anybody invading my space,” she growls at me.

“There’s a guy who hangs out down here. Have you seen him? I need to thank him for something.”

“Girl… I don’t know what you talking about. I’m the only person living under the bridge.”

“But I’ve seen him several times. I think he sleeps down here. He’s got brown hair and a bad eye.”

“The only person down here with a bad eye is the troll. He’s down here all the time, creeping people out and keeping watch over the poor souls who want to jump off that damn bridge. Can’t wait for them to put up that damn fence they keep talking about.”

I look around the underbelly of the bridge. There’s no sign of anyone but the woman and the Freemont Troll.

“You sure there isn’t a guy with a glass eye that hangs out around here?”

“I ain’t seen no one like that down here lady. Now you get to leaving before I chase you out of here.”

I hesitate. I want to say something more. I look at the Freemont Troll. Someone has definitely taken a chunk out of the top of his eye. I look at the woman one last time. She isn’t going to let me stay any longer. A breeze kicks up and brushes my hair away from my face. I look around and see things clearly for once.

“Thanks for keeping watch,” I mutter under my breath to the troll. Then I turn and walk back to my car.

And I know I won’t be back.

As I leave, feel someone watching me. I look over my shoulder and the troll’s eye glitters in the night.

And I swear he winks.