Girl
Over the Edge

By
Amy L. Kinzer

Copyright
2011 Amy L. Kinzer

This
novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are
the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any
resemblance to any person, living or dead, events or locales is entirely
coincidental. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any
means without the prior written consent of the author, except brief quotes used
in reviews.

Editing
provided by Everything Indie.

For anyone standing too close
to the edge.

Chapter One

I like to close my eyes and picture myself in a different
life. One where no one’s seen the photos and everything is just the way I
always pictured it. Kale and I are still together. All the years of dance paid
off and I’m captain of the cheerleaders. My best friend Chloe is five pounds
heavier and she smiles. My parents still talk to me.

But that’s not the way things are
now. Instead Chloe and I are sitting on the pedestrian walkway of Suicide
Bridge with our legs dangling over the side. It’s our last day of freedom
before we head back to the state penitentiary of higher learning. That’s if the
school board allows us to return. Getting back into North Lake High is one
giant question mark.

A sailboat passes beneath the
bridge. One of those boats only people who live on Mercer Island can afford.
There’s a girl sitting on the bow wearing Hollywood sunglasses. Her family
looks like a Nautica ad. I can’t imagine how different her life must be from my
own.

“Do you ever think of what it would
be like?” Chloe asks.

“What?” The perfect family sails
farther away. They turn into little ants – specks of dirt – a
distant memory I’ll never think of again.

“What it’s like to jump.”

I turn my attention away from the sailboat
and look over the edge of the bridge towards the water.  The wind makes ripples in the lake. The
ripples catch the sun and turn them into diamonds. The diamonds make me squint.

“No, I don’t think of jumping. I’ve
never thought of it.”

Chloe stands up and I stretch my
legs to join her. I can’t wait to go home. Mom said she’d take me to the mall
for new jeans. We’re meeting with Principal Davis tomorrow and the summer is
almost over. My whole body is in knots at the prospect of returning to North Lake
High. The senior year of suck is waiting for me. Not something I want to miss.

But we’re not leaving. Instead
Chloe leans over and swings her leg over the rail.

“What are you doing?”

I startle her, like she forgot I
was there. For a moment I think she’ll lose her grip and slip off the side and
fall to the cement below. We’re not over the water. If we were over the water
then at least she’d have a chance.

“Just seeing what it’s like.”

I get up but my legs are like
Jell-O. I grab the rail to just hold myself up.

“Get back over here!” I barely
recognize my own voice.

Chloe swings her other leg over the
side and stands on the ledge. Chloe’s always so sure of herself. Never scared
of anything. But this time is different. She looks down below and grips the rail
so tight that her knuckles turn white. Her skin is so taut that it looks like
her bones will rip through her skin.

“I think it’s like flying. If you
wanted to jump, it would make your last moments worth it.”

She leans back and her arms stretch
as far as they will go. The tips of her fingers turn red with strain. I hear a
car stop behind us. I’m too scared to turn around. If I turn around Chloe will
let go of the rail and she’ll disappear for good.

“Chloe! You’re crazy. People can
see you! Get back over here before someone calls the cops.” My voice is a
whisper. But it’s harsh. I want her to know I’m serious.

I hear a car door open behind me.
Footsteps. No words though. I want the person behind us to speak or go away.

“Chloe… please…” I take a step closer.
She moves a few inches back.

“Miss? Is everything okay? You
shouldn’t be over there. If you fall it will…”

I look over my shoulder. It’s a guy
in a shitty old car with a Dominoes pizza sign on top. He’s got a face full of
zits. He’s definitely not the guy who’ll be able to talk Chloe back to the safe
side of the bridge.

“I’m – ” she looks down and
it’s like she realizes how high she is for the very first time. “I… I just
wanted to see what it’s like.” She pulls herself back and swings a leg back
over to the safe side, and then the other.

Back to the side of the living.

Maybe pizza boy isn’t so bad after
all.

“Shit, lady. Are you crazy? I
thought I was going to have to call the cops.”

Chloe shakes her head with a smile.
But her skin is green, like an alien. “It’s nothing. I just wanted to check it
out. Nothing happened.”

“Well…” I can tell he doesn’t know
what to say. Cars zoom by, minding their own business. The day moves along.
It’s like when a tree falls in the forest and no one hears a thing. The whole
thing with Chloe never really happened. “I’ve got a pizza in my car.” He looks
back and forth between the two of us. “Do you want me to call someone for you?
Maybe you should talk to somebody.”

“No, everything is okay. We’re just
leaving anyway. School’s starting and all…”

“Hey, I know you.” Recognition
dawns on his face. Now that I look closer at him, he looks kind of familiar.
“You go to North Lake, don’t you?”

Chloe hesitates. It’s like she
recognizes him too. “Yeah…”

“I…” I can tell he’s not sure if he
should say it. But he’s one of those guys who are missing his filter. “I saw
those pictures. You know… it’s not a reason to jump.”

Chloe starts to shake. Her whole
body vibrates. “I wouldn’t jump because of that. I wasn’t going to jump. I was
just looking.”

Pizza guy can’t decide if he wants
to leave or stay. After a minute the pizza getting cold in the car wins out.
“Okay, I’ve got a delivery to make…” He hesitates one last time. “You don’t
have to do something so drastic. I bet everybody already forgot about the
pictures.” When neither one of us says anything, he turns back to his pizza
delivery mobile.

I’m scared to look at Chloe.
Instead I watch pizza guy hurry back to his car. It’s like he can’t get away
from us fast enough. Once he’s gone, Chloe starts down the sidewalk, back
towards where we parked. Her chest is shaking and she chokes out a few sobs. I
follow behind in silence.

Chapter Two

I’m waiting for my sentencing from the school board, sitting
between my parents who’d rather be anywhere else. Add on a best friend who
wants to jump from a bridge and you get a pretty good idea of what I have to
look forward to senior year.

And I shouldn’t have worn a skirt.
Principal Davis’ office is a mortuary, all frozen and sterile. And he’s totally
late for his appointment with us. I press my knees together and twist one ankle
over the other. Goosebumps spread up and down my legs. My legs are grey and
prickly under the florescent lighting and air conditioning. The Freon filled
air can kill you if you sit inside too long. It sucks the life out of you.

Chloe’s sitting across the room
with her mom dressed in her new good-girl uniform of khaki pants and a white
blouse. The nose ring is gone and so is the pink stripe in her hair. Her legs
are like chicken legs covered in beige material. She keeps trying to get my
attention but I pretend to be looking out the window. It was Chloe’s idea to go
to the party that got us here after all.

Not many people can point to the
exact moment in time, the exact mistake they made that took them from the top
of the ladder and dropped them down all the way to the bottom rung.

For me it was at Josh Hansen’s
party. Josh came home from his freshman year at WSU and his parents went to
Cabo San Lucas, leaving Josh at home in a five-bedroom house and the closest
neighbors almost a mile away.

Chloe talked me into sneaking out
of my bedroom window to go to the party because college guys would be there and
somehow that made the party so much better. The only reason I went was because
Chloe’s parents were fighting and I knew she wanted to get out of the house.
But college parties when you’re in high school never end well. Everyone knows
that.

There was a beer bong and Josh
raided his mom’s medicine cabinet. Someone brought a camera and took pictures.

I was in just one of the photos.
But Chloe had more to drink than me. And she was going through this phase where
she was desperate for attention. I knew it was because Josh broke up with her
the year before and he totally ignored her at the party. Plus, her parents are
a total disaster.

Everyone at North Lake saw the
photos. Including Principal Davis. It’s totally gross if you really think about
it. And now I’d do anything to walk into a wormhole and slip into another
dimension.

I tug my skirt down and shift my
weight. Outside the window the football team takes the field. The North Lake’s
Blue Devils are getting ready to conquer the state championship! The cheer
squad practices on the sidelines. Their chants drift into the morgue. On the
other side of the brick wall is a totally normal world. The mantra of school
spirit is the only sound in the room.

I squint my eyes, searching for my
ex-boyfriend, Kale Fenton, in the sea of blue and white testosterone. Not that
it matters what he’s doing. He hasn’t spoken to me in three months.

Dad’s parked on my left wearing his
I’m-the-most-important-person-in-the-room business suit. He checks his watch
and sighs, causing Mom’s back to stiffen. She reaches over and touches my knee
and I fight the urge to scoot to the edge of my seat to get away.

The door swings open and Principal
Davis enters the room. He’s dressed in white pants and a blue V-neck sweater.
It’s a cross between too much school spirit and the country club.

“I’m glad everyone could make it.
We have a lot to discuss.”

Dad sighs and Mom touches his
shoulder. I wish I were anywhere other than next to two people who wonder where
in their parental lives they messed up.

Principal Davis takes a seat at his
throne on the opposite side of his desk. “I have great news for the two of
you!” He claps his hands together and gives Chloe and I a Cheshire cat smile.
“The school board ruled that you two girls can return to school!”

His eyes fall on Chloe and stay a
few seconds longer than necessary. My skin prickles like maggots are crawling
all over my body.

Dad looks relieved. “That’s great.
It is why we pay our taxes, after all. And…” he checks his watch for like the
hundredth time, “I need to get back to work, so let’s wrap this thing up.”

Mom’s body stiffens.

“Well, everyone has someplace to
be. Let’s just get started.” Principal Davis looks around the room, giving each
of us a stern expression. “The photos that were passed around the student body
are not fitting in character for the North Lake Blue Devils. They were in
violation of school conduct. If it happens again we’ll call the police and have
them deal with the situation.” Principal Davis gives our parents a look like
he’s doing them some sort of super big favor. “We’re going to have the girls
come and join us for the first day of class Monday.”

Chloe’s mom’s face is awash in
relief. I’m pretty sure the last thing she wants is to deal with Chloe being
expelled from school. “Great, you mean Chloe can start senior year with the
rest of the class?”

“Yes, Mrs. Baker, Chloe can come to
class on Monday. I have to warn you though that these two young ladies aren’t
going to be the most popular girls at school. We’ve suspended seven football
players for one game for forwarding the photos around school.”

I cringe. North Lake’s football
team has a shot at making the state championship. Like things weren’t bad
enough already.

Dad stands up. “Wonderful! Everyone
pays for their punishment and moves forward. That’s all we were really looking
for. This is Beckett’s senior year and North Lake is the best school in the
city. We just want her to be able to finish out her senior year like nothing
happened.”

Like nothing happened. That’s easy for him to say. I spent a whole summer
working at a coffee shop because I didn’t have anything better to do. No party
invites, Kale broke up with me, I was kicked off the cheerleading squad. Going
back to school is like jumping into a big old bowl of cherries.

Chloe’s mom sits silently across
from us, mesmerized by the symbols of law and school leadership that hang from
the walls, like the plaques can make the last year disappear and go away.

Principal Davis claps his hands
together and I jump. He gives us a broad smile, but his eyes are on Chloe’s
chest. She crosses her arms in front of herself and glares.

Chapter Three

It started with glue.

And then it was Blue Ribbon Beer
that you can buy if you stand outside 7-11 wearing short cutoffs that they show
the crease in your thighs.

I thought it was just a phase, but
then she started sneaking out of the house to go to parties. The guys who threw
the parties didn’t go to our school. Stuff happened behind closed doors and I
stopped going with her most of the time.

She got caught drinking during
lunch and got suspended from school.

There’s always some event that
takes you too close to the edge. But it’s the little things that lead you to
the edge that are the real problem. I think it was all the little things that
led to the one big thing.

And as a good friend, I let her
take me along for the ride.

***

“Beckett, are you ready for
school?”

I take a deep breath and my throat
squeezes shut. My chest tightens. I can’t breathe. I gulp and nothing happens.
I’m drowning in the air. It’s a panic attack. I read about it online. I started
having them after I saw the photos. I can’t believe I was so stupid. Just going
along with Chloe so I could fit in.

I need to grab a hold of myself.
Mom’s making me go to school. It’s not like there’s any way out.

Mom jiggles the knob on the door. I bend forward and try to
control my breathing while I wait for the sound of footsteps to disappear down
the hall. But they don’t. Instead the doorknob turns and rattles. Of course the
door’s locked. My room is the only place I can feel like myself.

“You’re going to be late dear.”

I don’t answer. I know I’m going to
be late. That’s the whole point. I hope if I wait long enough then I won’t to
have to go there at all.

More footsteps and they’re louder
this time. It has to be Dad. “Beckett, come on, we’re not playing around. Principal
Davis is letting you and that Baker girl back into North Lake and you can’t be
late the first day of class. Now come out of your room. We need to get going or
we’re all going to be late.”

Silence and then there’s another
knock on the door. I close my eyes and wish they would leave me alone.

A fist hits the door and Dad’s
voice makes me jump. “Beckett!”

I hesitate before I say something I
know is really going to set them off. “Chloe’s picking me up.”

The hallway goes silent. I grab a
section of my hair and twist it around my finger until it goes numb. I stop and
pull tighter, waiting for my finger to amputate.

“Beckett, it’s time to go.” Mom’s
voice is soft. Mom’s the peacemaker in our family. “I don’t have a problem
dropping you off this morning. Come on out so we can get moving.”

“It’s okay… go ahead and leave.
I’ll lock the door on the way out.” More silence. “Chloe will be here any
minute. I’ll just wait till she gets here.”

A long silence and then the loud
footsteps depart. Only one set of footsteps remains. “Beckett…” Mom’s quiet
voice drifts through the cracks, “just…” I wait for her to finish, but she
doesn’t say anything else. A car pulls up outside. I look out the window and
see Chloe’s VW. I wave to her from the confines of my room and she waves back.

I open the door. Mom’s standing
there looking like she wishes I were somebody else.

“I’m going to be late…” I brush
past her and head to the stairs. She doesn’t follow me.

***

Chloe drives a red VW Beetle with a
sunroof and a flower in a vase on the dash. The car was a gift for her
sixteenth birthday. That was before the Incident and the shit hit the fan at
the Baker household. I guess she’s trying to go all retro ‘70s with the vase
even though that was a whole decade before we were even born. I’m not sure why
she fills the vase with flowers. It’s so anti-Chloe to give off the appearance
she’s happy. I swing open the passenger door. A bright yellow sunflower mocks
me. Its dazzling petals are a stark contrast to the black dashboard and the
gray skies. The sunflower looks so happy; the antithesis of everything going on
around it.

“I like your boots,” Chloe says
like we’re two regular seniors on our way to school.

I throw my backpack on the floor
and buckle my seatbelt. “Yeah? Mom bought them for me this weekend. I think
she’s trying to make sure I have an easy transition back to school. She wants
me to look like everyone else. I guess the idea is to blend in. She thought I
was looking too disheveled.”

Chloe laughs. Her laugh is like
jingle bells that forgot the location of Christmas. They ring, but it’s not
quite right. “I hardly think black fingernail polish and ripped jeans make you
look disheveled.”

“Not to you it doesn’t, but to my
mom… she could barely stand it. You know how she is, I think she’s mad at me
for ruining her chances at becoming North Lake’s Senior Mom of the Year.”

“She’s still a great mom. She
doesn’t need a plaque.”

I laugh. “That’s what you think.
I’m pretty sure Mom needs affirmation of her wonderful parenting skills from
someone outside the family.”

“Tell her I still think she’s Mom
of the Year…”

No surprise. Chloe’s family’s
pretty messed up. She practically lived at our house until last year when my
dad stopped making her feel welcome.

Chloe looks over her shoulder as
she pulls out onto the street. We merge into traffic – everybody on the
road in a hurry to get somewhere important – Hurry, hurry! Can’t be late! –
and the car settles into apprehensive silence. Neither one of us wants to
return to the North Lake High School of Human Torture, but we don’t say it.
Instead we drive out of my neighborhood of picket fences and Volvos. Traffic
races by. We pass a corner where a group of sophomores are waiting for the bus.
Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the guys point at Chloe’s car and
laugh. His friend grabs his crotch and rubs his hand back and forth. I turn
away and stare straight ahead.

***

We pull up to school past a group
of prep-drones gathered in the parking lot. Khaki pants, white button downs,
sweater vests… is this the group Chloe and I used to belong to?

I get sick in my mouth.

Chloe parks in the back of the lot.
We never parked in the back of the lot last year. But this year’s different.
This year I’m afraid to walk into the school.

“Could we get any farther away?” I
look at all the empty spots closer to the school. “We’re going to be late.”

Chloe shakes her head and turns off
the engine. “No way. I don’t want anyone touching my car. It will be safer out
here in the teacher’s lot. If anything happens to my car my dad will kill me.”

“Do you really think someone would
do something to your car?”

She nods her head. “Yep. Don’t
you?”

“I don’t know… maybe.” The empty
spots closer to the school taunt us, but I don’t have time to contemplate it. I
grab my stuff and pull the handle. Chloe doesn’t move. When I realize she’s not
getting out my mind searches for something to say to make everything easier,
but nothing comes to mind. Instead I watch her chest heave up and down and
drops of perspiration bead on her forehead.

“We’re going to be late, we should
go.”

“I…”

Her eyes fixate on the school and
she has a death grip on the steering wheel. Her knuckles are so white that they
look like they will rip right through her skin.

“We can’t be late. We’re already in
enough trouble as it is.”

Outside the window the last of the
students rush into the building. Even the prep-drones are walking up the front
stairs to go inside. The drones are the only group of students who can be late
for class. Their parents sit on the school board.

“We can’t be late on the first
day.”

“Maybe you should just go inside
without me.” She stares straight ahead; her gaze is looking into another
dimension. “I’ll just go back home. I’ll get a note from my mom…” Her eyes
remain on the entrance to North Lake Purgatory. “I’ll just say I was sick or
something.”

“Chloe, we should go.”

“I can’t go inside!”

Her voice is so loud I jump. My
heart almost thumps right out of my chest. “You don’t have a choice. We have to
graduate. It’s our last year. I bet nobody even remembers what happened last
year.”

It’s a lie and we both know it.

I glance at my watch. In four
minutes we’ll be late. And I absolutely can’t be late. If I’m late the school
will call Mom and all hell will break loose. Things are bad enough at home,
especially between Mom and Dad. I don’t need to ignite the flames to make it
any worse. I step out of the car and start walking towards the old brick
building. A few seconds later I hear footsteps behind me and the car alarm
clicks.

We sprint towards the front doors
of the school.

***

The hallways are devoid of humans.
I follow Chloe to our assigned lockers. I almost don’t recognize the person I’m
following. I’m not used to seeing her look so… preppy. She’s a different person dressed as an upper-class
honor student with bobbed hair. This isn’t the same Chloe from last year. I’m
sure that’s the point.

“What do you think today will be
like?”

“I don’t know.”

Chloe breathes so heavily that I
want to hand her a paper bag. It looks like I’m not the only one suffering from
panic attacks. “You know, I begged Mom to let me go to City North. I begged
her. Why would I come back to North Lake?” Chloe’s hand shakes as she fiddles
with the combination on her locker. It’s so bad that she keeps skipping over
numbers.

“You have to live in their district
to be able to transfer. You can’t just go to a different school.”

“I asked her if we could move, you
know? I mean, she’s never home anyway. Why can’t we just move?”

I shrug my shoulders and fiddle
with my own locker. “It’s your last year here. You just have to get through
senior year and then you can go away to University where there will be
thousands of people. You should ask your mom if you can move to Arizona. ASU
has, like 50,000 students. No one would even know you there and I could come
visit in the winter when the weather is totally crappy here.”

“Yeah…” She takes out a shiny new
notebook and throws her backpack in her locker. The noise makes me jump. “But I
don’t want to go to ASU and be by myself. Everyone’s going to UW.”

“Everyone knows us at UW though.”

“Maybe by next year they’ll
forget.”

Chloe spent the whole summer stuck
in a serious case of denial. She didn’t hear the things I heard. Everybody was
talking about us. The kind of talking that brings the wrong kind of attention.
And now having to confront the reality of the situation is making her crazy.

But the school wants to brush it
all under the carpet. Now,
if you girls just stay out of trouble then we can all pretend like nothing
happened! North Lake is a school filled with happy students who wait until
graduation to drink alcohol and have sex.

See?
Wasn’t that easy?

Now
scoot along girls. Go make nice with the other students because I think some of
them don’t like you so much anymore.

I grab my English book out of my
locker. I swing the door too hard and it makes a big bang when it closes. The
sound echoes down the deserted hallway. The noise is louder than I meant.

“Hey, I have to get to class. I’ve
got Mrs. Larson for English and I don’t want to get marked down for being late.”

“Sure.”

“We’ll chat later.” And then I
hurry off to class, thankful to get away.

***

Mrs. Larson’s been teaching English
at North Lake since the beginning of time. And she always wears the same
outfit: a below the knee skirt, a blouse, and a blazer. I once sat in the
library looking at old yearbooks. Mrs. Larson was in every single yearbook. Every-single-one. I
actually think my mom had her for English.

I walk through the front doors just
as second bell rings. Mrs. Larson gives me a sharp look as I enter the room. I
ignore her stare. I have bigger issues. I need to find a safe-zone to sit.

Last year I would’ve breezed into
the room and sat by Jennie Dunham and the other girls from the cheer squad. But
I haven’t talked to Jennie since last year. I spot an empty seat in the front
row by the window. A geek-seat. But that’s me now – a loser – a
girl without friends – a girl who sits in the front row.

Mrs. Larson takes her position in
the front of the room. I swear she’s made of wax. She looks exactly the same as
she did every other year. She’s like one of those figures from Madame
Tussaud’s.  She gives her first day
of class speech. It’s all very Rah,
rah, rah! Let’s get good grades and learn to master the English language!
I stare out the window. The parking lot is devoid of students. We’re all
appropriately obedient on the first day of class. Mrs. Larson passes out the
fresh-off-the-printer syllabus. I flip through the warm pages and pretend to be
interested in their content.

Once she’s done with orientation
she begins sorting through overheads for the day’s lesson. I rest my head
against my hand; the back of the room breaks into whispers and giggles. Someone
says my name. Everybody knows Mrs. Larson is losing her hearing. It’s like
she’s a million years old.

Did you see those photos of
Chloe and Beckett? I mean, who takes pictures like that? That’s so gross! Are
they lesbos or something?

The words circle around me, like
vultures looking for their prey. I want to disappear.

Chloe is such a whore.

I flinch at the words.

Those
girls are so nasty, no wonder no one wants to be their friends.

My face burns and my pencil pushes
against the paper. Mrs. Larson keeps flipping through her overheads. The
seconds turn to decades. What’s taking so long? You would think someone who had
been teaching her whole life would be more prepared.

Beckett… Beckett… Beckett…

My pencil rips through the paper. I
crumble it up and start over.

Chloe is a slut…

“Oh dear, okay. Sorry about that
class. I found what I was looking for. Please open your book to page ten and
let’s get started.”

A couple of students nod their
heads. Giggles ring from the back of the room. I strain my ears for the sound
of Kale’s voice. I don’t hear him. Mrs. Larson flashes her eyes towards the
back of the room before returning to her overheads. I open my book and pretend
English is the most fascinating subject I ever came across.

Chapter Four

Day two of senior year at North Lake and I decide on the
bus. The bus is just… better. If I take the bus then I don’t have to deal with
Mom and Dad’s BS when Chloe picks me up. I’m so glad it’s senior year and I’m
almost done with the whole thing.

I need to put a little distance
between Chloe and myself. Just for a little while. It’s not like I don’t want
to still be her friend. Chloe’s my best friend. The person whose bed I cried on
when David Mulligan kissed me on the mouth in sixth grade and told all his
friends I had frog breath. I spent all summer vacation being called ‘froggie’
until Chloe pushed him in the river one day and it turned out he couldn’t swim.
Of course we didn’t let him drown, we weren’t that
mean.

I just need time to settle into
classes without everyone thinking about those pictures whenever they see me.

I’m standing in front of the house
by myself when the school bus comes lumbering down the road. It doesn’t slow
and I wave my hand in the air to catch the driver’s attention. It’s probably
been a year since I rode the bus, but why else would I be standing in front of
my house on a school day? The door swings open and I keep my head down as I
step up the black stairs. A couple of freshmen giggle when I sit behind them.
It’s okay to take the bus as a freshman, but I’m a senior and that’s a problem.

We pull up in front of the school
and I tie the strings of my hoodie tight around my head. I want to disappear.
My hair sticks out the sides and tickles my nose. I tuck it behind my ear and
tug the hood as far down as I can make it go.

I could be anyone walking up to
North Lake High.

In front of the school the cheer
squad’s practicing. Legs fly in the air punctuated by the occasional squeal. I
was supposed to do cheer this year but now I doubt I’ll even go to the games.

The girls in their blue and white
pleated skirts sit in a circle around the fountain. On my way to first period I
spot them laughing and swishing their hair. Katie Spencer stands up and claps.
She kicks her leg in the air. Jennie Dunham, captain of the cheerleaders, jumps
up and bounces like she has coils in her shoes. I don’t move. I’m stuck on a
crack in the sidewalk wanting to run the opposite direction. The cheer squad’s
out in full force getting ready for football season! I was supposed to be Jennie Dunham. The
days of popularity and good times seems like a lifetime ago.

The warning bell rings and none of
the girls get up. For the first time ever I notice they all look the same. The
same ponytails with blue ribbons tied in their hair, the same thick blush, and
the same pink gloss glowing on their lips. There’s so much glitter flying from
their bodies that the air sparkles. For a minute I expect Tinkerbell to fly
down from the sky and make an appearance.

Did this used to be me?

Jennie turns my way and stops
bouncing. Our eyes meet and for a moment I think she might wave. I almost lift
my arm to wave back. Her eyes narrow. She doesn’t wave; instead she sits down
and turns her back to me, like I uncovered the secret to the invisibility
cloak.

The countdown to the second bell
ticks in my head. I’m going to be late for class. I’m frozen on a crack in the
sidewalk and I can’t move.

Katie gets up and does a couple of
moves and I realize they’re working on a new cheer, which means that they’re
not going anywhere.

I put my head down and walk towards
the school.

No one acknowledges me as I walk
past the mob of lipstick and ponytails. The only sound I hear is the chant of
“North Lake… North Lake…North Lake…”

The sound rings in my air. I wish I
could brush it away.

***

The first period bell rings as I
run up the front steps. The hallway’s empty. Ghost Hall. I rush to class.

“Beckett?”

I smile at Mrs. Larson, a secret
code begging not to be punished. She opens her mouth like she wants to say
something and shuts it again. Kale smiles at me from the back of the room and
my skin burns.

Could
my life get any worse?

I take my seat and stare at the
words some bored student carved into the desk: North
Lake Sucks!

“Glad you could join us today,
Beckett. We’re just getting started.”

I open my notebook and try to send
my mind somewhere else. Today’s lesson is on composition – also known as
how to poke your eyes out with a pencil. I have a vision of my eyeball rolling
around on my desk in a puddle of gel. I cover my notebook with flowers as Mrs.
Larson goes on and on about modifiers. Flowers, daisies, roses, sunflowers… I
wish I brought colored pencils to color them in. I need a way to tune out
everything going on around me. A distraction. I draw a couple of dandelions,
they turn into cotton balls and their seeds disperse.

I want to be anywhere but in this
class.

I tried to change schools last year
when my life went to crappola but Mom wasn’t having it. “If you change schools
then it’s like you’re running away. You need to stand up and face it.”

That was easy for Mom to say. Mom
didn’t have to go back to North Lake. Most the time I wish I could skip senior
year and go straight to college.

But Mom’s in denial. She wants
things to go back to just the way they were. I guess Mom always had this vision
of what her only daughter’s high school experience would be like since she’s
been preparing for it since I was two and all. It must be a huge disappointment
that I turned into an utter failure in the only year that really matters. She
wanted to be popular-mom after all. Miss Community. She has been striving for
the North Lake Senior Mom of the Year award since my birth.

I guess not everything turns out
the way we want.

***

The cafeteria’s a screaming mesh of
voices blended together into one loud hum. I spot Chloe standing alone, holding
a tray when I walk in the door. The tables are filled with laughing and talking
students. No one talks to Chloe. Her khaki pants, white blouse, and beige skin
blend with the paint on the wall. She’s so skinny her clothes are slipping off.

She’s like air.

I walk up behind her. “Hey.”

She jumps. “Oh my God, you scared
me.” She gives me an accusatory look that softens after a few moments.  “I’ve been waiting for you. Where do
you want to sit?”

I scan the cafeteria. Our old
table’s filled with our former clique. Girls laugh and run their fingers through
their hair. Boys bump and shove each other. I look past them at a table with
empty seats in the back of the cafeteria. “How about there?”

Chloe’s eyes follow the direction
of my finger and the tension melts from her body. “Great! I’ll save us a couple
of seats!” She heads to the outcast zone, also known as our new table.

I get in line behind the kids whose
parents don’t care if their children eat prison food. Your parents have to
really not like you to make you eat this crap. The cafeteria noise buzzes. It’s
the first week of school excitement. My head throbs. The words blur together,
like a wasp in my ear. I wave my hand in front of my ear to try to make the
noise disappear. I get my food and make it over to where Chloe’s sitting.

Her lunch rests comfortably on her
tray untouched. She’s sitting at a table with her head down, waiting.

“Let’s eat. Your food’s getting
cold.”

An untouched plastic cafeteria tray
sits in front of her. She picks up her spoon and scoops up a small bit of soup.
She puts it in her mouth where it rests for a few seconds before she chews and
swallows. She puts down her spoon and looks around the cafeteria. Her skin’s
ghost white and her eyes are glassy. For a moment I think she might cry.

“It’s worse than I thought it would
be,” she whispers. Her voice catches like she can barely get the words out.

“What is?” I ask. I don’t know why
I’m pretending; I know exactly what she’s talking about.

“This.” She waves her hand at
everyone in the cafeteria.

From the back of the massive room
the cafeteria looks like a hive. The bees buzz and circle. The seniors sit at
the center table. Jennie Dunham’s the queen bee. The table we should’ve been
sitting at. Not in the back where the freshmen sit.

I nod my head. “Yeah, but it will
get better. We just need to give it some time. Everyone will forget about last
year. You know how people are – everyone always wants to be the center of
the universe. Let’s just eat.” The words sound like my mother’s. I want to
convince myself it’s true.

Chloe pushes her tray away. “I’m
not hungry anymore.”

I examine her across the table. Her
new clothes hang loose on her body. Dark circles outline her eyes. She’s like a
zombie existing in the world of the living.

“You should eat…”

She puts her head in her hands. “I
just want to go home.”

I don’t know what to say. My brain
can’t process any words. I’d pretty much do anything to go home too. Instead I
scoop up a spoonful of potatoes and start to chew.

***

The hallways are crowded with
students making their way back to class after lunch. Chloe and I walk in
silence towards our lockers. Chloe stares at the floor as she follows alongside
me. Her eyes count tiles and ignore the activity around us. Chloe hasn’t made
eye contact with anyone since school started.

Our lockers are side-by-side at the
end of the senior hallway. Chloe twists the combination for her locker and
pulls the handle. Nothing happens. She brushes back her hair and tries again.
The locker’s stuck. She shakes the door and nothing happens. Her brow furrows
and she looks around.

No one offers to help.

She bangs her hand against the
locker.

“You didn’t forget your
combination, did you?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think
so…” She looks up and down the hallway for help.

“There’s Mr. Kindle.” I point at
the school custodian who’s walking down the hall. Mr. Kindle wears one of those
metal circles with a million keys hanging off his belt. He’s the only person at
the school who has a key for everything. He’s so loaded down with keys that he
jingles when he walks.

“Oh, great, I don’t want to be late
for class.” She waves at Mr. Kindle to catch his attention. Head down, he walks
our direction scuffling the boots he’s worn everyday since I first saw him
three years ago. The edge of his boots are so worn I can tell he’s wearing gray
socks. The guy looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.

“Problem ladies?” He barely looks
at us as he speaks.

“My locker’s jammed.” Chloe twists
the combination again for emphasis. “I can’t get it open.”

“Are you sure you’re putting the
right combination in?”

Chloe sighs and I check my watch.
We’re about to be late. Chloe and I have enough problems. Chronic tardiness is
not something to add to the list. “Yes, of course. I can’t get it open.”

Mr. Kindle slowly reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a ring of keys. Seconds tick by. His thick, twisted
fingers check the keys one at a time until he finds the one that will save us.
He places the key in the lock and the combination clicks and the door swings
open.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” He hesitates like
he wants to say something else, but doesn’t finish. Instead he and Chloe stand
frozen in front of Chloe’s locker.

“Oh no…”

“We’ll need to fill out a report,”
Mr. Kindle is slack jawed.

I move behind them to take a closer
look. The inside of Chloe’s locker has been painted with red spray paint. The
whole door, all her books, even the sweater she wore to class this morning. The
words slut and whore cover the inside. Chloe’s body shakes as she takes a
series of sharp, short breaths.

I reach over and put my hand on her
shoulder. This is the last thing Chloe needs; she’s barely been able to make it
through the day. “It’s just a bunch of the dick weeds from the football team.
It’s nothing. Those guys bleed brains during practice.”

Another couple of sharp breathes.
“You should go to class,” she says with her back to me. “You’ll be late. I have
to fill out a report.”

“But… it’s okay.” It’s a weak
offer. I really don’t want to be late.

“No, I can take care of it.”

“I can stay…” And yet I’m relieved.
I love Chloe but this is so much… drama. All I want is my life back to the way
it used to be

“No, you shouldn’t be late. I’ll
take care of this by myself.”

Mr. Kindle flips through the pages
on his clipboard. He doesn’t say anything to me. I turn around and head to
class.

“I should’ve jumped.” She whispers
under her breath as I walk away. The words make sense only to me.

And they follow me to class.

***

After school I wait on the front
steps for Chloe. North Lake students rush out the doors on their way to
football practice, track, cheer, after school jobs… Everyone ignores me as they
rush past. I lift my hand in front of my face to ensure I’m still visible. I
just want to go home and count down the days until graduation.

The crowd thins and I check my
watch. Chloe’s ten minutes late and I don’t have anyone else to give me a ride.

I walk back up to the doors and
peer through the glass. She’s nowhere to be seen. The buses pull away from
campus. Except for a couple of lingerers, the campus is empty.

The parking lot is visible once the
buses leave the curb. The spot Chloe parked in this morning is empty. The
parking lot is deserted. Her red VW bug is gone. I’m left at school without a
ride home.

I take my cell out of my backpack
and dial her number.

“You’ve reached Chloe Baker. Sorry
you missed me. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back. Or, maybe I
won’t.” The phone beeps in my ear.

I hesitate.

Message… no message… message… no
message…

Since when did dealing with my best
friend cause me so much angst?

Message wins. “Hey Chloe, it’s
Beckett. Hey, I’m still at school. I thought you were giving me a ride home.
Give me a call.” I hit end call and hold the phone in my hand. I stare at the
phone, waiting for a call back. Last thing I need is to call my parents for a
ride home. I’m sure it would be a relief to my parents knowing things aren’t a
100% between Chloe and I. The last thing I need is to let them know we’re
already having problems in class. My parents have enough issues with Chloe.

I sit down on the cement stairs and
rest my head on my hands. A colony of ants march in a straight line next to my
feet. I watch the football team take the field. Blue and white uniforms dot the
painted grass. Testosterone filled voices rumble against the noise of traffic.
My phone doesn’t ring. I check the display and call history just in case. I
can’t believe she’d just leave me. Chloe never just leaves me. But here I am,
alone on the steps at the worst place on earth. I grab my backpack and stand
up. I’ll need to walk to the city bus to get home. I can’t call my parents.
It’s not a conversation I want to have.

The school doors open behind me. I
don’t bother to turn around until I hear my name.

“Hey, Beckett. What are you doing
here?”

Kale Fenton is ten feet away. I
haven’t spoken to Kale since the Incident. Kale was supposed to be my
senior-year boyfriend. Instead he got suspended from the school’s first
football game.  He was supposed to
be the star running back for North Lake and I was going to cheer him on from
the sidelines. Kale’s still on the football team. Me? As far away from the
sidelines the school can get me.

“Hi.” My skin burns. I shift my
weight. My tongue’s stuck in my mouth. Electricity sends sparks outside of my
body.

I’m probably glowing.

And I can’t think of anything to
say.

He’s not suffering from the same
problem. “What are you doing here still?”

“I… uh…” I can feel the redness
creeps up my chest, my neck prickles, and my face burns. My pale skin is too
obvious.

“Are you waiting for someone?”

“I was just leaving.” I strap on my
backpack and hurry down the stairs. I hear Kale’s footsteps follow behind me. I
get to the bottom of the stairs. I wish he’d go away. I don’t want him to see
me walking off campus towards the city bus stop.

“Where are you going?” He looks
around.

“I need to meet someone.”

He nods his head. Like he thinks
“someone” is Chloe. He and Chloe never got along. It was one of a million
reasons things didn’t work out between us.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about
Chloe. “Aren’t you late for practice?” I want to change the subject – or
to disappear. But I want nothing more than to make a clean exit. I know Kale’s
supposed to be out on the field. Only losers take the city bus.

“Yeah, I am. I had to meet with Mr.
Hanson after class. It’s already starting. He’s warning me about my grades… and
the football team… and how I have to make Bs or better or most of the Pac-10
schools will be out. He takes me for an idiot. I get the impression he thinks
all football players have been hit a few too many times in the head.”

I nod. I don’t know what to say. My
chest heaves and I suck in a deep breath. The last thing I want to do is stand
in front of the guy who broke my heart. I hate how he didn’t stick by my side
last year when I was going through everything with Chloe and my parents and
school. The minute there was a hint of trouble he ran away, like I was
contagious or something. I don’t know why he even bothers to stand and talk to
me. And I can’t hang out even a minute longer if I’m going to make the 4:15
bus.

He must read my mind. “It was great
to see you...” He pauses like he’s waiting for me to say something, but my mind
is blank. The pause sits heavy in the air. Then he runs down the steps towards
the gym. I watch his body get smaller and smaller as he hurries away.

Once he’s safely out of sight I
check my phone one last time. No calls and no texts. I run down the sidewalk to
catch the bus.

Chapter Five

At home I sit on my bed, my family safely locked on the
other side of the door. I can’t believe Chloe would just take off from school
and leave me. I shoot her a text and stare at my phone. No response. It’s like
the cell phone network is down.

I miss the Chloe I used to know and
my old life before I became a social outcast.

I met Chloe in second grade. My dad
got transferred to his Big Important Job at Microsoft in Seattle. Lucky me. I
got to leave San Diego for the rain.

Chloe was the tallest girl in the
class. She had stringy blonde hair and the palest skin I’d ever seen. She also
had the shoes I wanted. Sandals with a cork screw heel that weren’t flat. She
wore them every day with a skirt, even though it rained most days. On the
playground she said she couldn’t play because “I can’t run in these shoes.”

At Macy’s we saw the shoes in the
children’s department. I pointed them out to my mom.

“Can I get these?” They were
strappy and they looked so grown up. And they were the shoes that Chloe wore.
All the girls wanted to be like Chloe.

Mom shook her head. “Dear, no, of
course not. Those are for older girls.”

“No they’re not. A girl in my class
has them.” I held them in my hands. They represented everything I wanted to be,
girly and sophisticated, with a sense of aloofness. Mom made me wear saltwater
sandals. She wore Birkenstocks. Once Mom moved to Seattle she wanted to fit in
with all the other tree huggers.

“When you’re older, in a few years,
but not now. I don’t even know why they make shoes like that in your size.
You’d never be able to play in those.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But, Mom.”

“I said no.”

I put the shoes back down on the
shelf. Mom pushed my kid brother Cody away in his stroller and the shoes mocked
me as we walked away.

***

I went back to school wearing my
saltwater sandals and carrying my Hello Kitty lunch pail. Girls that ignored me
when I first started class began to warm up to me. I made a couple of friends.
But Chloe was the girl I really wanted to friends with at school. She was the
person all the other girls wanted to be.

One day she came to sit next to me
at the cafeteria table. “I like your lunchbox.”

I looked around the room to see
whom she was speaking to. Chloe nodded at the white kitty staring back at her.

“Thanks.”

“I went to Sea World last summer
with my parents. Have you been there?”

Everyone in San Diego goes to Sea
World. It was like asking me if I’d seen the sun.

“Yeah, we went all the time.”

“I had lots of fun. We went to the
beach and Lego Land. It was a blast.”

I couldn’t stop staring at Chloe.
At that time Chloe was like a movie star to me. I couldn’t believe we were
talking.

“I like Lego Land.”

She smiled and took a bite of her
turkey sandwich. She seemed to chew forever. She was so skinny. Eating slowly
must have been her secret. I was dying to hear more of what she had to say. It
was like talking to a movie star who has only one name. I was star struck.

“Your tan is fading. When you first
got here I thought you looked like one of the girls from TV who hangs out at
the beach all day.”

“There’s no sun here.”

“We should be friends.”

It was that simple. Second grade
relationships are so much easier. That was the last time being her friend was effortless.

Chapter Six

Now that I’m not one of the pom pom queens my weekends are
wide open. And Dad’s out of town on a ‘business trip’. Every time Dad goes out
of town Mom goes on some kind of weird cleaning fix. She goes from room to room
wiping down the walls, dusting the furniture, vacuuming the corners. It’s like
her whole body is full of nervous energy. Cody spends his time sitting on the
couch watching cartoons and eating Lucky Charms. Cody only eats food filled
with sugar now. He really only eats the dehydrated marshmallows. And Mom
doesn’t notice. Since Dad started going out of town all the time it’s like she
doesn’t even care.

I stand in the doorway of Cody’s
room, watching Mom pull toys, dirty dishes, and wrinkled clothes out from under
his bed. The smell makes me think there’s something worse hiding under his bed.
I hold my nose. I have zero desire to hang around and find out.

“Do you care if I go to the mall
with Chloe?”

She jumps and hits her head on the
corner of Cody’s bed. “You scared me.” She rubs her head.

“Sorry.”

“That’s okay.” She blinks a couple
of times and massages the sore spot. “How are you getting there?”

“Chloe’s going to come get me.” I
wait. Dad’s answer would be ‘no’, but Dad’s not here. Mom’s the one with a soft
spot for Chloe.

“How long will you be gone?”

“I don’t know… we’ll probably eat
at the mall. Later tonight.’

“Be home by nine. You can take
twenty dollars out of my wallet.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

She goes back to cleaning,
searching for the source of the smell, trying to block out the life that is
unraveling around her.

***

Saturday afternoon at Bellevue
Square is a ritual. Chloe and I walk up and down the hallways, flirting with
guys from Bellevue High. The guys from Bellevue don’t know us. It’s easy to
pretend like we’re totally normal high school girls around strangers.

Three guys in Bellevue High
t-shirts keep passing us. They’re on the second floor, outside of Abercrombie
and Fitch, and in the Apple Store. We stand outside Nordstrom drinking
raspberry Italian sodas that are almost white with cream when the tall one with
shaggy hair bumps into Chloe. I pull the straw out of the plastic cup and lick
whip cream off the end, examining our afternoon’s intruders.

“Hey!” Chloe pushes her hair behind
her ear and smiles. The smile is a look I’m familiar with – it’s the look
that always gets us in trouble.

“Oops, sorry about that.” He gives
us a grin. His friends lurk behind him. I stare at them from behind Chloe. One
nudges the other and they both smirk our way. It’s a yucky smirk. My skin
crawls like it’s covered in little bugs.

“No problem.”

“You go to North Lake?”

He’s cute – dark blond surfer
hair and well-worn jeans. Chloe takes a step closer. “Yep.”

“What are you doing later?”

Her face darkens. It’s like a
winter storm. “Why?”

“You’re that girl, aren’t you?”

“Huh?”

“That girl. I saw those pictures.
You know…” He takes a couple of steps closer to Chloe. I can almost see his
breath against her face. “Do you want to get together later?”

“Pictures?”

I don’t know why Chloe has to ask;
she knows what he’s talking about. Ever since the photos came out they’ve
consumed our life. Followed us. We can’t escape.

“Yeah.” He touches his nipples and
pinches. His two friends behind him break into a fit of laughter. They’re like
hyenas. I clench my fists. There’s nothing worse than Bellevue boys and their
pathetic attempts to entertain themselves. “Nice ones. We should hook up later.
I have a few things I could show you. I take great pictures.”

Chloe’s face matches the color of
her raspberry soda – white with a tinge of pink. I grab her arm.

“Fuck you,” I spit at the three
guys. For some reason this is even funnier. They break into another fit of
laughter. They’re hyenas lost in the mall. For a moment I think guys in a white
coat with straightjackets will come for them. Put them in a cage and take them
to the zoo. I pull Chloe away and flash them a middle finger as we walk off.

“Don’t listen to them,” I mutter
when they’re out of earshot.

Chloe’s face is ashen. “Let’s go, I
want to go home.” She looks like she saw a ghost. She takes a deep breath and
her chest hitches. All I wanted was a fun girl’s shopping trip, not a reminder
of my worst year ever.

“Let’s get something to eat. We can
leave the mall.”

She nods her head.

***

Chloe and I walk out of Bell Square
and wait at the intersection. Traffic races by as the intersection sign flashes
‘Don’t Walk’. A cop on a motorcycle watches the intersection, waiting for
someone to take a step into the road against the light. Nobody does. When the
light changes we cross the street and the cop nods at us as we pass.

That’s Chloe and I – good
little citizens. We’re just two high school girls hanging out on the weekend,
staying out of trouble.

Rock Bottom is a block away from
the mall. The cold, fresh air helps erase the guys. We walk into the restaurant
and the hostess grabs two menus. Music thumps from the upstairs bar and a group
of college kids watch the game from a table by the TVs. The hostess directs us
to a booth next to a family of purple UW sweatshirts. It’s all very normal,
very Go Huskies!
This is what life was like before getting my picture taken ruined my life. She
drops the menus on the table and walks away. She’s my age, with black braids and
a short black skirt, and a normal job. She’s just a normal teenage girl.

After she’s out of earshot Chloe
shakes her head. “Did everyone in Washington State see those pictures? I mean
– I’ve never even met those guys before.”

I shrug. “I don’t know. They
probably know someone at North Lake or something.”

“I hate it...”

I say the words that have been
simmering inside for months. “We shouldn’t have gone to that party…” The words
hang in the air.

The silence is heavy. The party was
Chloe’s idea. Without the party, our lives would be just like they were before
– we’d be just like everyone else.

Chloe opens her mouth like she has
something to say, it’s shaped like a perfect O, but the words don’t exit.

She shakes her and returns her
attention to the menu. A server stops by and places two glasses of water on the
table. When he’s gone she leans over the table.

“Want to try to order a drink?”

“Of course, I’m parched.”

“No, I mean a drink.”

I look around the restaurant;
worried someone overheard our conversation. “How are we going to do that?” I whisper
across the table.

She pulls an ID out of her wallet.
It’s her cousin. Her almost identical older cousin, almost, I’m not convinced. “I’ll just use this. She looks
like me. Yes?”

She slides the ID across the table
and I pick it up. Kendra and Chloe look alike the way cousins do who share the
same gene pool. Like maybe you’d know they were related but would never mistake
one for the other. At best it’s a stretch. “I don’t know Chloe. What if they
know it’s not you and call the cops?”

“The cops? The worst they will say
is no. I think I’m going to try it. I need a drink after this afternoon.”

The waiter looks like a first year
college student. He approaches the table with a smile and a tray full of used
plates and glasses from an earlier table.

“Can I get you ladies something to
drink?”

“I’ll take a diet coke.” I make an
attempt at a mature, sophisticated smile.

Chloe turns on the charm. “A rum
and coke for me.” It’s the charm that always gets us in trouble.

The waiter looks up and seems to
notice us for the first time. He crinkles his brow at Chloe. “Yeah, sure. Can I
see some ID?”

Chloe bats her eyes and hands over
Kendra’s ID. He holds it up and walks away. Chloe’s brave face turns white. I
try not to panic.

“Shit,” she whispers without moving
her head.

“I know.” I don’t look up. I’m too
afraid. If I look up then he’ll see the panic on my face and we’ll spend the
night in jail.

That’s the last thing I need
– a cherry on the top of the worst-year-ever.

But the waiter doesn’t go far. He
walks a couple of tables over to where there’s better lighting and examines the
ID. He returns and hands it back to Chloe. “Sorry about that, I couldn’t see
the birth date over here, there wasn’t enough lighting. I’ll get your drinks
and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, thanks.” I flash him one of
my brilliant smiles.

After he’s gone Chloe breathes a
sigh of relief. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that worked. For a minute I thought
he was going to take my ID away!”

“Shh!” I look around the restaurant.
“Don’t draw attention to yourself, you have to act cool about it.”

She sits back and smiles and a few
minutes later the waiter returns with our drinks.

We don’t know anyone in the
restaurant. Chloe sips her drink and the day melts away. I reach across the
table for her drink and take a sip. We sit there enjoying a normal night out
– just two teenage girls having a good time. Away from school, parents,
school administrators, crappy guys... I feel like a regular high school senior
sitting across from Chloe.

And it feels great.

Chapter Seven

Homecoming week. The week when everyone who attends North
Lake, or the parent of someone who attends North Lake, or a relation to someone
who attends North Lake dresses in blue and white, paints their car windows, and
otherwise acts like they’re part of the-best-cult-that-ever-existed! Last year
Mom painted North Lake High on her car’s windows, painted her own face for
work, and I had to find a way to keep my cheer uniform clean enough to wear it
every day for a week.

This year Mom hasn’t mentioned
homecoming and I have no uniform.

Instead Mom and I eat breakfast on
Monday morning, just the two of us. Dad already dropped Cody off at soccer
practice before he went to work. Mom sips coffee. Steam from the cup drifts up
and fogs over her glasses. She scans the weekly sales. Macy’s having a weekend
sale! Mom’s eyes fixate on the shoes. I spot the game between North Lake and
South Shore highlighted in the sport’s section with a picture of Kale Fenton
gracing the front page.  The
headline on the paper reads: Can Kale Fenton’s Devils Rush Past South Shore
and Remain Undefeated? Kale’s wearing a
blue and white jersey with black lines painted under his eyes. He looks
straight into the camera. We’re on track for the state championship even with
the suspension. Football is a Big Deal at North Lake High!

“Do you have anything exciting
planned this week?” Mom looks up at me from over her coffee. She skirts around
homecoming week and the Big Game. Mom doesn’t know how to have a conversation
with her only daughter.

“Not really.”

Her face turns down. I know she’s
disappointed over my lack of involvement in school activities. That kind of
stuff’s really important to Mom.

She glances at the sports section
like the events of the week ahead are just occurring to her for the first time.
“Oh, look, it’s homecoming! You’re going to the game on Friday, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know…”

“Surely you and Chloe don’t want to
miss your senior year homecoming game.” Her face grows nostalgic. “Those were
the days. I still remember our game. It stays with you, you know? Once you get
out of school, your life is filled with responsibilities, all the fun ends…
trust me.” The nostalgic look leaves as quickly as it came. Mom frowns. She
frowns a lot not.

“Okay, I’ll think about it…”

“I can always call Aunt Shelly. You
could give your cousin Ian and his friends a ride to the game.”

Mom looks so hopeful. Like she can
make my social life come back by sheer will. But I know it’s impossible. The
fun ended for Chloe and I last year

***

By Friday school spirit at North
Lake is frenetic. The halls are filled with chants and pledges for the North
Lake Blue Devils. Everyone’s wearing blue and white. You’d think the school was
about to have a human sacrifice or something with the way people are acting. At
the last minute I decided to wear a blue t-shirt with North Lake written across
the front with a picture of our school mascot. I walk the halls filled with
devil-heads, blue faces, and school spirit. I smile at the school mascot when
he walks by. His face is covered with a mask. I can’t tell if he smiles back.

“Hey, Beckett! Wait up!”

The familiar voice, the cause of my
social demise, approaches from behind. My first instinct – it lasts only
a millisecond – is to run.

“Beckett, wait!”

This time I stop. Chloe waves as
she rushes my direction. In a sea of blue and school spirit she’s wearing the
new uniform her mom finds appropriate: khaki pants and a white polo shirt. She
looks like she should be working in the school cafeteria.

“Hey, I called you last night…
Twice.”

We squeeze our way through the
halls of school spirit.

“Yeah? There must be something
wrong with my phone.”

A silent pause as we continue down
the hallway. There has been a lot wrong with my phone lately.

“So… I’m thinking we should do
something tonight. Want to go eat appetizers at Red Robin? My mom gave me
twenty dollars to do something this weekend, since, you know…”

“I…uh…” I want to avoid telling her
I’m going to the homecoming game. Chloe’s, like, the only senior not going.

“I could drive and we could go to
Bellevue.”

“Umm…” My mouth tries to form the
words but they won’t come out.

“We could get a couple of virgin
daiquiris and sneak in one of my mom’s mini-bottles of vodka.” Classmates pass
by us. I hear a snicker and I look at the ground. “Can I borrow your new
boots?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I can try to use Kendra’s ID
again. Do you have any older relatives you look like?”

I swallow. Flashes of slumber
parties and Barbie play pools from happier times play in my mind. Those
memories are a million miles away. I’d reach out and grab them if I thought I
could. “I’m going to the game tonight.”

Her expression is something I’ve
never seen before. It’s part disappointment, part confusion, and part anger. I
look at a poster on the wall.

Go Devils!

Finally it occurs to her I’m going
to the homecoming game and she’s not.

“Oh…”

“It’s my last homecoming, you know.
Senior year. Mom thinks I should go. She doesn’t want me to miss out on my
senior year experiences just because, you know…”

Chloe’s shoulders slump. With the
slump goes all my enthusiasm for the game.

“You should come…” My tone is two
octaves higher than normal. It’s my pathetic attempt to not be a totally
horrible friend. It’s pointless: I know what she’s going to say. There’s no way
Chloe will go to the game.

I wonder if they give awards for
being the world’s worst friend.

She shakes her head and her eyes
gloss over. My eyes examine the posters on the wall with renewed interest and I
pretend not to notice.

“My mom wants me to give my cousin
Ian and his friends a ride to the game. They don’t drive yet. There should be
enough room for one more person though if you want to come…”

“No, that’s okay. Have fun.” Then
she walks away towards class.

I watch her go. Her head down,
avoiding the looks of our classmates, and I imagine that she’s counting tiles
on the school’s well-worn floors.

Chapter Eight

Aunt Shelly asked my mom if I could drive my cousin Ian to
the homecoming game. Ian and two of his friends: a couple of Trekkies that
spend all their time in front of the computer and don’t worry about things like
social lives or images. World of Warcraft is all that these three care about.
They might as well be living in outer space. The only thing is I have to drive.
If I drive then the guys can go to the game and I won’t have to sit by myself.

I’m parked on my bed in jeans and a
blue sweatshirt, my stomach in knots. Chloe and I should be going to the game
to cheer on the team. That was the plan: my perfect senior year. It was the
reason I took dance until my feet bled. The same reason broke my leg learning
to do back flips.

It only takes one very bad decision
to ruin your life.

The sound of footsteps makes their
way down the hallway and then a knock. “Beckett? Shelly’s on the phone and the
boys are waiting for you. What should I tell her?”

I get up and straighten my shirt.
I’m the epitome of school spirit. Go
team! I open the door and Mom’s on the other side getting ready to
knock again. Her fist almost punches me in the face.

“Oh, there you are, dear. I wasn’t
sure you were in your room. I need to tell Shelly when you’re picking the boys
up. You know she gets all on edge if someone is even a couple of minutes late.”

“I’m leaving right now. Tell her to
have Ian and his friends meet me out front.”

Mom crosses her arms across her
chest and frowns. “I’m sure your aunt would like to see you. You should go in
and at least say hello.”

I feign impatience. I have no
desire to talk to busy-body Aunt Shelly. Aunt Shelly was the one who took
pleasure on watching the downfall of her once perfect niece. Aunt Shelly made
sure everyone in the family knew about me.

I push past Mom and pretend like
I’m in a hurry. “Just tell the boys to meet me outside.”

I feel her eyes follow me out the
door.

***

Ian is wearing a devil mask when I
pull up in front of his house. At least I think it’s Ian. Friend one is holding
a plastic knife. Friend two is wearing fangs. I drive up to the house and
almost keep going. This is what I get for being a social outcast: the worst
companions for a homecoming game ever.

My life is officially hell.

I consider turning around and
returning home. Attending homecoming is a total mistake. I should have just
gone to Red Robin with Chloe.

The devil swings open the passenger
side door.

“Argh!” Friend one barks at me as
he climbs in the backseat. He jabs me with his plastic knife. I don’t bother to
turn around.

Friend two bares his fangs at me
and breaks into a fit of laughter.

The devil climbs into the passenger
seat and closes the door.

I look straight at the road.

“Argh!” friend one says again, like
I missed it the first time.

“Don’t talk to me. Buckle your
seatbelts,” I growl at the backseat inhabitants. “Dorks,” I whisper under my
breath.

Devil-man pulls off his mask. It’s
Ian with a blue face and white circles around his eyes. Painting his face only
to wear a mask over the top is an interesting choice.

“Got a stick up your ass?” Ian
asks.

“No.” I glance over my shoulder and
pull back onto the road.

“You’re sure acting like it.”

“Argh!” Laughter fills the car.
Then the whole car bursts into a fit of juvenile delirium. Like the punishment
I got from my parents wasn’t bad enough. I turn up the radio to block out the
noise and Taylor Swift sings in the background.

***

The parking lot is full when we
arrive. I end up parking Mom’s car in a dirt lot across the street from the
stadium. Ian puts his devil’s mask back on and all three jump out of the car.

Ian sees a devil with a pitchfork,
goes up for a fist bump and is met with a pitchfork to the stomach. Girls run
by in painted faces and boyfriends’ football jerseys. I’m lacking the frenzy of
school spirit in my blue sweatshirt and jeans.

We get in the stadium and friend
one and two head towards the sophomores. Ian hesitates.

“Where are you going to sit?” he
asks once his friends are gone.

The reality hits me like bricks
falling from the sky. I could sit with the sophomores or find a place with the
seniors. Without Chloe, I’m lost. There’s no way I can sit with the sophomores.
Seniors never sit with the sophomores but I’m afraid to go anywhere near the
seniors. I have nowhere to go.

“Um…”

Ian looks over at his friends.
“I’ll sit by you if you want.”

I hide my relief. With the devil
mask on no one will even have to know I’m sitting with my sophomore cousin.
It’s better than sitting alone or hiding in the bathroom all night.

“Great, okay… Let’s sit down.”

I choose a spot in the back of the
stadium where stoners and people that don’t go to our school sit. I’m
inconspicuous. Ian sits next to me and pulls out his phone. He sends a text and
friend one stands up and waves back at us. Ian does some weird dance that
involves a pelvic thrust. I want to die. He pushes his pelvis forward and back
and sways in a little circle while I pretend to watch the game.

***

At halftime a mob of spectators
rush down the bleachers. The lines waiting for the concession stand and
bathroom are a sea of blue and white. Ian sits next to me with his hands on his
lap, hiding behind his devil mask.

It occurs to me he’s wearing the
mask to hide. I block the thought out of my mind… send it to the dark recesses
where I’ll never have to confront it again. I’m the cool cousin. At one time I
was the girl everyone wanted to be.

It doesn’t take long for Ian and I
to be the only ones left in the stands. He sends text messages on his phone. I
can tell he secretly wishes for an escape. Every few seconds the phone buzzes,
the screen illuminates, he laughs and his fingers fly across the letters.

I look down to the concession
stand. A line wraps around the building. My fingers are frozen. Families carry
hot chocolate. I can see the steam from my place in the stands. It floats in
the air, fighting away the cold.

I turn to Ian. His eyes are still
glued to his iPhone. “I’m going to get some hot chocolate. Do you want some?”

He looks up and it takes a moment
for his pupils to focus. “Um… no. You’re getting up?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to look for my friends,
do you mind?”

I shake my head. I don’t need to
monopolize his time. “Go ahead. I’ll meet you back here after half time.”

He jumps up and runs down the
bleachers.

After he’s gone I look across the
lines of empty metal seats. I’m freezing and the lack of body heat isn’t
helping. Ice crystals drift in the air. I walk down the bleachers and push my
way through the crowd of blue. My former friends mill around. They wear cut up
blue t-shirts and athletic shorts with stockings. Goosebumps dot their legs.
Painted devils on their faces scream school spirit! Sparkly eye shadow reflects the light.

There’s no way I can stand in line
at the concession stand and make it back to my seat before the end of half
time. And it’s not like I want to talk to anyone down there anyway. I want to
stay hidden, invisible in the sea of school spirit.

The visitor’s concession stand is
the answer. I get in line behind a couple of girls with black South Shore
t-shirts. One types away on her cell phone while the other smacks her gum. They
turn around and give me a suspicious look. I’m in enemy territory. At least
they think I am. They have no idea I’m safer here. The gum-smacker scrunches
her nose at me. What they don’t know is this is the safest place I’ve been all
day.

A couple of juvenile-ish looking
boys spot me on-their-side
as they walk back to the bleachers. Their hands are filled with bags of
popcorn. One spits at the bottom of my feet. I smile at him and wink. He stops
and stares. He opens his mouth. My eyes challenge him to say something. A group
of girls wearing South Shore school spirit wave at them and they walk away.

The guy working at the concession
gives me a strange look when he sees me dressed in blue.

“A devil has broken ranks?”

“Long line on the other side.” I
pull out my money and hand it over the counter. “Can I get a hot chocolate?”

He smiles. “Anything for the home
team.”

I take my hot chocolate and the
warmth melts the freeze away. My fingers thaw. The bleachers fill on the other
side of the field and I push my way through the mob of blue.

Then the thunder of feet shakes the
ground. Out of the corner of my eye I see the mass of uniformed testosterone. I
freeze in place.

I see him before he sees me. Out of
the crowd his tall, lean figure is easy to spot – Kale Fenton runs my
direction. He’s coming right at me and I can’t move. My feet have frozen to the
sidewalk. I’m a statue.

Our eyes meet and his pace slows.
He pauses before he runs over to the end of the fence where I’m standing,
breaking ranks from the team.

“What are you doing on the
visitors’ side?” he asks from under his helmet. His voice is muffled and I can
barely hear him from the roar of the field. The rest of the home team is
practicing drills. The band played from across the field. Ra ra ra! Go home team!

“There was a long line on our side.
I just wanted something to drink.”

He looks over his shoulder as the
Blue Devils gather on the opposite side of the field. No one can hear us. He
comes closer to the fence. “There’s a party after the game tonight. You should
come. It’s been a long time since we hung out.”

I shake my head. I can see his eyes
searching my face. I look past him towards the football team on the field. Last
year my answer would’ve been different. Last year everything was different. But
this year I have to give my fifteen-year-old cousin and his friends a ride home
after the game and I told Mom I’d be home by 11:00.

“I’m sorry, I can’t go.”

He pauses. I feel my heart beat
against my chest. The thumping is like a drum in my ear. It drowns out the roar
of the crowd. The universe slips away. I skip a breath. My heart breaks into a
million little broken frozen pieces. They’ll melt before anyone can fix them.

Then the game is ready to start.
“Maybe another time.” He runs to the sideline to join the team leaving me
alone.

I watch him go. My heart drips into
the cracks on the sidewalk as he leaves.

Chapter Nine

Mom loves holidays. Holidays are Mom’s opportunity to show
her achievements as the world’s-greatest-mother!

For Mom’s latest trick we’re
celebrating Halloween! Mom bought Cody a pirate costume. She hung it from the
coat rack where every day it met me at the door when I came home from school.

Then she put cobwebs on all our
trees and a couple of Styrofoam headstones in our yard. Next went the ghost in
a tree. Then up went the orange lights. A bowl of candy sat by the front door
two days before Halloween. Mom lit the pumpkins each night. She was like the Dia
de Muerte version of Martha Stewart.

But Cody never touched his pirate
costume.

And that’s the kind of thing that
breaks Mom’s heart. Like she hadn’t had enough of that lately.

“I don’t want to be a pirate…” he
whines across the table on Halloween morning while

Mom’s in her room getting ready for
work.

“Why?”

“Pirates are stupid. I want to be
an iPhone.”

I shove a spoonful of Rice Krispies
in my mouth. The puffed rice crackles and pops against my tongue. Just like the
commercial. I have a vision of three little elf-men dancing around in my mouth.
“How are you going to be an iPhone?”

Cody looks at me like I’ve grown a
third eye. “I’m going to cut arms in a box and draw the apps on the front. I’m
even going to record some phone conversations so it sounds like someone’s
really talking. Do you think I can tape a conversation with you? I want
something authentic.”

I lower my voice, uncertain of
Mom’s whereabouts. “Mom wants you to be a pirate.”

“Pirates are for babies and old
people. No one dresses like a pirate anymore. I hate that stupid costume.”

“Yeah, but do you think an iPhone
is better? That sounds stupid if you ask me.”

“No, it will be cool if you help me
record a conversation. Maybe you could even call Chloe and let me record the
two of you talking. That way it’d be really authentic. Chloe’s a real
jabber-mouth.”

“I don’t know, bud… I think Mom’s
going to be really mad if you don’t dress up in your pirate costume. She’s
pretty excited about Halloween this year.”

“She’s acting weird. Ever since you
and Chloe got in trouble at school, she’s been acting all different.”

The sound of footsteps walking down
the hall ends our conversation. Mom swoops in wearing a pastel blue suit. She
looks like an Easter egg. Like she got her holidays all mixed up.

“There’s my little pirate.” She
walks over and kisses Cody on the forehead. I shove another spoonful of cereal
in my mouth. The Krispies explode on my tongue. “Beckett, we haven’t talked
about what you want to be for Halloween. Are you dressing up this year?”

I shrug my shoulders.  Yeah, right… That’s what I’ll do. Like
I have a multitude of party invitations.

“I’m too old.”

“You could be a Blackberry and I’ll
be an iPhone and we can talk to each other. You can take me trick-or-treating.
Will you do that?”

I scrunch my face at Cody. “A
Blackberry?”

“Yeah, you know, iPhone’s
competitor? We can talk while we’re walking. We can even drop calls. It will be
super cool.”

“Can’t you just get one of your
friends to go with you?”

Cody lowers his head and the room
goes silent. I killed the conversation.

“Well?”

Cody won’t look up. This is how he
gets his way and he knows it.

“You know,” Mom interrupts, “it
would be nice if you didn’t already have plans to take your brother. He won’t
be trick-or-treating much longer and I could stay here and pass out the candy.
You could even invite Chloe if you wanted.”

Great, what a blast – hanging
with the fam on Halloween. Wonderful.

“Um…. Okay, sure.”

“But I don’t want to be a pirate!”
Cody spits out a mouth full of cereal. The pieces shower the table.

“Fine, be whatever you want for Halloween. I’ll dress up as a pirate!” And we can tell by her tone
that the morning conversation is done.

***

On Halloween night Chloe shows up
as a pirate. She heard my mom was bummed out over the whole iPhone/Blackberry
thing and thought it would appease her if someone joined her pirate ship. But
when I answer the door she’s wearing a bustier, hot pants, and a cloak with an
eye patch. She carries a long plastic knife in her hand. She has on some kind
of push-up bra and her breasts spill over the top of the bustier. I want to
hand her a coat, or a blanket – anything to cover the flash of skin. Her
outfit is a stark contrast to my cardboard box with buttons drawn on the front.

“Got you!” She jabs at me with the
plastic knife but it just bounces off the cardboard. The edge scrapes my arm.
After a few tries she stops and looks at me for the first time before she bursts
out laughing. “Is that what you’re
wearing?”

“Yep.”

“What are you?”

“A Blackberry.”

“But I thought you were going to
dress up as a pirate.” She walks around me, looking at the box Cody and I put
together. “You don’t look like a Blackberry.”

“The phone, not the fruit.”

“I didn’t know they made phones
with buttons anymore…”

“It’s a business phone and Cody’s
an iPhone. He thinks we’ll be able to talk as we’re walking around the
neighborhood.”

“Oh…” Chloe looks around. “Is your
mom here? I want to show her my outfit.”

I can’t believe she wants to show
off her outfit to my mom. All I want to do is throw a blanket over her –
hide all the bare flesh peeking out from her attempt at a buccaneer.

Mom’s voice drifts in. “I’m in the
kitchen Chloe. Why don’t you come on in and show me your costume? I’m glad
someone had the good sense to dress up as something other than a dull
electronic device.”

Chloe smiles. She loves the
attention she gets from my mom. My mom’s a Mother of the Year wannabe and
Chloe’s mom has a record with CPS.

Chloe heads into the kitchen to
meet my mom before I have a chance to cover her up.

In the kitchen Mom’s making sugar
cookies shaped as pumpkins. A bowl of orange frosting sits on the counter.
Mom’s wrapping the cookies in plastic bags to hand out to trick-or-treaters.
She’s in denial over the fact kids’ parents won’t let them eat anything
homemade.

Mom turns towards us and Cody
sticks his finger in the frosting. She’s wearing a long sleeve white blouse,
black pants, and a black eye patch. It’s winter wherever Mom’s pirate lives.

Mom examines Chloe and I can read
her mind. It’s like the words are making their way into my head through
telepathy. She doesn’t have to say it. Cody says it for her.

“I can see your boobies,” Cody says
through a mouthful of orange frosting.

“Cody! That’s enough! Apologize to
Chloe!”

Chloe looks down and pulls the cape
over her body. She looks like one of those girls who dance on the bar at a
club. Maybe it would be an okay costume for a party minus parental supervision
– but we weren’t invited to any of those parties. We’re hanging out with
my eight-year-old brother and that makes it totally different.

“Chloe, you look nice: very
pirate-ish,” Mom composes herself.

“Thanks, Mrs. Smith.”

Silence takes over the room. The
orange sugar blobs sit on the counter.

Mom claps her hands together and
returns back to the pumpkins. “Okay then, let’s finish making these cookies!”

***

Thirty minutes later Cody’s buzzing
around the room with orange frosting stained lips. Mom lights the candles in
the pumpkins that sit on the porch. Out the window the first of the
trick-or-treaters begin making their way around the neighborhood. Miniature
ghosts and characters from Pixar films walk down the driveway. I feel weird in
my cardboard costume.

I don’t know how I got myself stuck
in this pathetic life.

The doorbell rings and mom rushes
to the door. At the doorway is a knee-high dinosaur. Mom hands him candy and
rejoins us in the kitchen.

She looks at her watch and shakes
her head. “I don’t know where your father went off to. I thought he’d be home
by now.”

Chloe stares at the floor. The
mention of Dad’s name has killed the room. Dad doesn’t like Chloe and I’m
pretty sure he doesn’t even like me.

“I want to go trick-or-treating!”
Cody, the cardboard iPhone stomps his foot on the floor. “Can Beckett and Chloe
take me now?”

“Okay, sure, but just around the
block. Don’t get too far from the house, and watch for cars.”

“Great! Let me get my iPhone case
for my candy!” Cody runs off.

***

The streets are filled with
goblins, witches, Star Wars characters, Disney princesses…

Cody maneuvers his cardboard box
costume through the crowds of kids holding plastic pumpkins. Parents follow
behind. It’s like Chloe and I are the only high school kids out in the mess of
three feet tall kids being supervised by their parents.

It totally sucks being a social
outcast. Everyone was talking about Court’s party at school. The perfect
opportunity for girls to dress up in slutty costumes – the perfect place
for Chloe’s pirate costume.

But Chloe doesn’t seem to mind. She
walks in front of me, chattering with Cody. She smiles at a miniature witch.
Chloe’s an only child. I’m sure it’s been forever since she’s been out
trick-or-treating.

Cody is focused. He’s in the zone,
intent on hitting every house on the block. Then the block extends outside the
neighborhood. We keep walking. My legs hurt the way they do when I’d rather be
doing anything else. I’m in a time warp of boredom.  Cody’s plastic bag’s weighted down with Snickers and
Smarties. We follow him down the sidewalk to the tune of “Just one more house.
Just one more house.”

I’m freezing, stuck in some kind
slow moving time sequence. I can’t take one more “Trick or treat.” The crowds
have thinned on the sidewalk and I’m sure Mom’s worried. Cody has enough sugar
in his bag to send him bouncing off the walls for weeks.

“Hey Cody, we need to go home.
Mom’s probably dialing 911 right now.”

“Just one more house.” He heads up
the stairs to a house with its porch lights on and a loan angry pumpkin glaring
at us from the porch.

“You’ve been saying that all night.
I’m sure Mom’s worried. We need to go back home.”

“Last house, I promise!” He’s
already halfway up the stairs to the front door. We follow behind and I shiver
against the chill.

Cody knocks on the door and we
wait. My body shakes. Even Chloe looks like she’s had enough of the night.
Nobody comes to the door. A dog barks from behind the house – an angry
warning to leave – and my heart beats against my chest.

We should have listened to the dog.

A man with vampire teeth and fake
blood dripping from his mouth opens the door. He looks about thirty. There’s a
beer in his hand. When he sees us his face breaks into a smile.

I want to run.

“Trick-or-treat,” Cody squeaks. The
enthusiasm is gone from his voice.

“Oh, yeah…” The guy turns around
and grabs a bag of candy. He takes out a handful and puts it in Cody’s
out-reached bag.

“Thanks,” Cody says as he turns
around to leave.

The guy shifts his attention to us.

“Hey.” His eyes focus on Chloe’s
chest leaving the rest of us invisible. “You girls want to come in for a drink?
I’ve got a cooler of beer inside.”

I grab Cody’s hand. The dog from
the backyard howls in the background. “No thanks.”

“Aw… come on.” His attention’s on
Chloe. “You look like the kind of girl who likes to party. Come on in.” He
opens the door and motions into the house. A sunken yellow couch sits in the
middle of beer cans and tattered magazines. The smell of pot floats out the
door.

“We have to go.” I pull Chloe’s
arm, but she doesn’t budge. It’s like she’s glued to the floor.

Does she want to go in?

“Why the party-pooper?” He leers at
me. “You could just take your little guy home and your friend can come inside.
We’ll get our party on, we’ll…” He does a pelvic thrust and my mouth fills with
acid. “You know, we’ll get it on.”

Chloe snaps out of her trance. She
hurries down the steps, like she just remembered some place she needs to go. “I
need to leave.”

“You sure? Come on in girls, I’ll
show you a good time. The little guy can watch cartoons or something.”

“No thanks,” I call behind me as I
rush down the stairs behind Chloe.

“Nice tits,” the guy yells after us
as we leave. “I’d like to stick my face in those.”

We walk faster. Once we get to the
sidewalk, we run.

***

None of us speak on the walk home.
Chloe clutches her arms around her body. She’s shivering and her exposed skin
is covered with goose bumps. Cody walks the fastest of all of us.
Trick-or-treating is forgotten. The sidewalks are mostly empty of ghosts and
goblins. We have over-stayed our welcome on Hollow’s Eve.

We arrive home and Cody makes a
beeline to his room. Mom is in the kitchen wrapping up the remaining Halloween
cookies.

Mom turns to us when we walk in the
door. “Oh dear,” she says, “I’ve set aside a bag of cookies of for you and your
mom Chloe.” She pushes a bag of cookies her direction.

“Thanks, Mrs. Smith,”

Mom gives us a bright smile. She’s
always the cheery one. “Did you girls have fun?”

“A blast,” I say.

Mom gives me one of her looks. “Did
Cody have fun? Did he get a lot of candy?”

“Yep.”

“Well then…” Mom places her hands
on her hips. Her eyes go back and forth between Chloe and I like she’s watching
a tennis match.

“I need to go home. My mom’s
waiting for me and…”

“Okay, sure dear, tell your mom
‘hi’, make sure to share some of those cookies.”

“I will, Mrs. Smith. Thanks for
having me.”

Chloe walks out the door. Once
she’s gone I hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

It’s Dad. “Have a good time?”

He changed from his work suit and
is wearing workout clothes. Beads of sweat drip from his forehead. It’s like
the day isn’t a holiday that his only son anticipates all year.

Like he didn’t even have a family.

“We did, Dad.” I walk past him and
head upstairs to my bedroom. For me, Halloween is over.

Chapter Ten

Halloween sent Chloe into a funk. She spent lunch staring at
her food and History class out in her car listening to the radio.

When I walk out of History class
Chloe’s standing by her locker, staring at her cell phone. Cell phones are what
got us in trouble in the first place.

She doesn’t look up. She still has
black smudges around her eyes from her pirate costume and dark pink rouge
covering her cheeks. She smells like she needs a bar of deodorant.

“Why won’t people just leave me
alone,” she mutters as I approach. I can’t tell if she’s talking to me or the
wall.

“What’s up? Did you get another
text?”

Her eyes fill with tears. “I don’t
know who’s sending these…” A single drop trickles down her face, drawing a line
through her day old makeup. The backdrop of laughter and voices –
students rushing to class without a worry in the world – are a million
miles away. “I tried to find out who this number belonged to and it goes
straight to voicemail.”

“Why don’t you call the police or
tell Principal Davis?”

“And get in more trouble? Get
harassed more than I already am?” She shakes her head. “I want to disappear. I
want to leave this school and never come back.”

“But if you don’t do anything…”

“But what if I do? Even if the
person who’s sending them gets in trouble he’ll still have friends, and they
have friends and girlfriends. I’m not saying anything. I can’t take this
anymore.”

I open my locker and grab my Lit
book. I can’t be late for any more classes. “What’s the message say?” The last
of the students rush past.

She flips the phone around and
shows me the display. At first I’m confused. I move closer to examine the
image. I don’t know whether to laugh, scream, or run away. It’s a picture of a
penis with words typed underneath. I step closer to read the words on the
screen. Chloe’s hand shakes as she holds the phone. The words bounce up and
down.

Suck
this, whore.

It takes me a minute. “I’m sure
it’s just a stupid prank. Maybe you should change your number though, just to
stop this from happening.”

“And say they’ve won?” She turns
off the power on her phone and puts it in her backpack. “No way.”

The second bell rings and the halls
clear out. “Hey, I have to go. You really should rethink changing your number.”

“Never,” she calls out behind me.

***

Chloe’s attention returned back to
the bridge. We drive down the 99. I sit in the passenger seat watching
headlights pass by in silence. She parks in a deserted lot and I follow her
down the cracked sidewalk that’s long past needing repair. We aren’t going up
to the pedestrian walkway this time. We’re walking underneath the bridge
– which is a total relief.

“We’re walking past where people
took their last breaths.” She says it more to herself than me.

I don’t know why I came with Chloe
here. “I think it’s morbid.”

“Everyone’s life ends. There’s
nothing morbid about it. When it’s your time, you might as well go out in a
flourish.”

A car passes by and the lights
illuminate McDonald’s wrappers and Styrofoam cups strewn along the road. I can
think of much better places to take my last breaths than a garbage dump next to
a lake.

We walk under the bridge to where
it ends. It’s dark and rain drips from the sky. Traffic passes by providing
enough light to see this isn’t the best place on earth. I follow through the
path of garbage.

“Let’s check out the troll.”

Rumor is the eighteen-foot troll
eats anyone who gets to close. Chloe must not have heard about this rumor,
because she’s heading straight for him.

The Freemont troll is a sculpture
constructed under the bridge that keeps watch over the jumpers. The troll has a
hubcap for an eye and a giant outstretched hand crushing a VW bug. He’s just
sitting there, hoping no one jumps.

She climbs up on his hand and sits
down. I follow behind and join her. The rush of traffic shakes the bridge over
our heads. The noise rattles. If an earthquake happened I’m not sure I’d even
notice.

Chloe pulls out a cigarette. She
lights the end and it glows. The wind blows and takes the embers with it. The
smell under the bridge is all must and rotted food with a hint of smoke. She
offers me a cigarette and I shake my head.

“I can’t go back to North Lake,”
Chloe says through the haze. “I hate that place. What happens if I don’t
graduate from high school?”

I pull the hood of my sweatshirt
tight over my head. The wind blows through the cracks in the side, whistling
past my ears. I cover my ears with my hands to try to warm them up. “You won’t
be able to get a job. If you don’t graduate from high school your life will
totally suck. You should just stick it out. Once you graduate you won’t have to
talk to any of those North Lake morons again.”

She inhales and the end of the
cigarette glows bright. Embers blow sideways into my face. She tucks a strand
of dirty blonde hair behind her ear. “I hate that place.” She exhales and the
smoke drifts into my face. “It’s how people end up in a place like this… they
can’t take it anymore and they jump.”

The words sit in the air, weighing
it down. I want to say something but whatever I say I know will be wrong.

“What are you girls doing in my
house?” growls the troll.

I jump and Chloe drops her
cigarette. It falls into an old puddle of water and dies with a hiss. I stand
up and look around. It’s not the troll. It’s a guy with a shopping cart and a
head full of crazy hair.

And he doesn’t look happy to see
us.

I jump off the troll’s hand, but
Chloe doesn’t look as worried. She stands up. A car passes and lights up the
troll and the three lost people standing next to it.

“What are you doing here? Get out
of my house. Get lost. Are you a spy?”

I start back towards the sidewalk.
“We were just leaving.”

Chloe doesn’t follow.

“This is a public place. The troll
is a public arts project. Anybody can come here. You can’t make us leave.”

“Chloe, let’s go.” I’m ready to
leave. It’s cold, dark, and creepy. I just want to get out of here.

“Are you one of them?” the guy
asks. He takes a step closer to Chloe. It’s Chloe he’s talking to.

“What do you mean?”

“A jumper… You look like a jumper.
You’re not thinking of jumping are you?”

Another car passes by. The
headlights turn the spot under the bridge into daytime for a few seconds. “No…
I mean… I dunno. Not right now.”

The guy takes another step closer.
He’s wearing jeans filled with holes and a North Face jacket that looks brand
new. His shopping cart is filled with rolled up blankets and empty cans. He’s
got a glass eye. But it’s not a good one that looks real. It’s not even the
right color. I can tell it’s fake because he’s not looking at us with it. His
bad eye is in a total different dimension. It’s so blue it almost looks silver.

Like a hubcap.

“You don’t want to jump lady. I’ve
seen what it looks like after. It’s not the way to go.”

Chloe hesitates, like she doesn’t
know what to say. The whole thing is creeping me out. Why does this guy think
Chloe would jump?

“She’s not going to.” But my voice
is unsure. I want to get out of here. I never wanted to come here to begin
with.

He keeps moving closer and I can
tell he doesn’t have access to a shower. “Get out of my house. Leave. You shouldn’t
be down here.’

Chloe opens her mouth.

Nothing comes out.

“Okay, we’re going,” I say. I take
a few steps back but Chloe doesn’t move. “Chloe… come on, we need to leave.
It’s almost curfew anyway.” She’s like a frozen statue. “Chloe?” I yell it this
time and she jumps. It’s almost like she just now remembers I’m there.

“Sure… let’s go. I don’t want you
to be late.”

“You’ll be back,” the guy calls
after us as we walk away. “I’ll know you’ll be back.”

Neither Chloe nor I say a word.

Chapter Eleven

Jennie’s the first to break ranks. I’m in line for lunch and
she’s standing behind me. Every part of me wants my life to go back just the
way it used to be. To just be friends with everyone at school like before and
leave all the drama behind. I can’t take any more late nights at the bridge.
It’s too weird. I want to block it out of my mind as if it doesn’t exist.

I know Jennie’s behind me. I’m
invisible and totally obvious at the same time. I stare straight ahead at the
lady with a hair net covering her hair and splashes of other students’ lunches
on the front of her shirt. She’s practically breathing down my neck as lunch
surprise is thrown on my tray. At first I think it’s a fluke. I mean, why would
Jennie come anywhere near North Lake’s Pariah of the Year?

I get my lunch of beef stew and
fake potatoes. My eyes nonchalantly scan the cafeteria for an empty spot.
Chloe’s nowhere to be found. Which is good. The whole thing with the bridge is
creeping me out. I need a break from the bridge and the drama and her obsession
with leaving North Lake and death.

Towards the back of the room I spot
a table of Star Trek geeks. Wherever there are Star Trek geeks, Ian can’t be
far away. I head their direction. I have to sit down to eat.

“Beckett?”

I turn towards the voice. It’s
Queen Senior holding her tray. If my name were more common I would have thought
she was speaking to someone else. She walks towards me. Jennie and I used to
hang out all the time. She’d come to my house on the weekends and we’d watch old
eighties movies from Mom’s collection. But since the Incident we haven’t
spoken. I swear her hands are shaking as she holds her tray.

“Yeah?”

She looks around and I look over my
shoulder to see what’s going on. When I look back it occurs to me she’s looking
for Chloe. “I…” Her eyes scan the cafeteria until she’s satisfied its safe.
“What’s new?”

“With me?”

She laughs. Students walk past us.
A couple of guys look our way. “Yeah, who else?”

“Um... Nothing really.”

“Oh... How’re your classes going?”

“Good. Well… not really. You know
how it is.”

Jennie nods towards her regular
table. It has a couple of empty seats. It’s a place to sit. “Want to join me?
It’s been awhile. We should catch up.”

I look around for Ashton Kutcher.
Am I being punk’ed? Is this all a big fat joke? But I’m sure he wouldn’t come
to North Lake. And I’m not Justin Timberlake.

“Okay…”

Her face brightens. It reminds me
of the way things used to be and for a minute I feel like I walked into a
parallel universe. A universe where everything is A-Okay!

“Great! You wouldn’t believe how
crazy cheer’s been this year. I had to learn a bunch of new chants at camp.
Nina Fields was supposed to come to camp but she got sick right before we were
supposed to leave so I had to take all the notes on my own. We miss you.”

Did she just say she misses me?

I take a seat. I feel eyes watching
us. It’s weird sitting across from Jennie. But it’s nice doing something that’s
not wrapped up in Chloe’s issues, to be stuck living life outside the circle.

“The team looked great at the
pep-rally,” I offer.

Her face lights up. “You think so?
We’ve been doing double practice, before and after school. It’s been so much
work. Some days I wish I hadn’t tried out this year. It would be nice just be
able to hang out after school and not always be practicing something. You must
have so much more spare time.”

I shrug. I have tons of spare time
to sit in my room and do nothing. All I ever do is listen to my parents fight
and hang out with my only friend who sent me into the world of social abyss.

I never thought of it like that:
how much effort cheer was, always having to look perfect, to stay out of
trouble, how much work it was.

Emma Chen bounces over to our
table. Emma’s one of Jennie’s best friends. I swear she’s also the happiest person
on earth. I wonder if I sit close enough to her some of the rainbow dust will
brush off.

“Hi, Beckett!” She smiles at me and
sits down like there’s nothing wrong with the fact I’m sitting at their table.
Could it really be this easy? Could I have been sitting here the whole time?
“Anyone want my apple?”

“Pass,” Jennie says before taking a
bite of her sandwich.

“Really?” Emma holds it up so
everyone gets a chance to claim her round circle of fruit. There are no takers.

Then silence falls over the table.
Jennie picks at a salad, afraid a carbohydrate will send cellulite to her
thighs for the whole school to view during the next game. I eat my white bread,
whole mayonnaise sandwich.

***

Mr. Andrews has a great deal of
concern about global warming. While other science classes are learning about
anatomy and the effects of temperature on water Mr. Andrews makes us watch An
Inconvenient Truth and pick a place in the
world affected by rising temperatures.

I choose the Great Barrier Reef.
Did you know the rise in temperatures is killing the coral reefs?

Tragic.

Each student has to research
temperature changes throughout the globe and discuss the catastrophic effect
that temperature changes have on earth.

Scary stuff. It makes me wonder
about college. I mean – do I really need to go through all of this if
we’re all going to burn to death? The earth will get too hot and humans will be
riddled by disease and we’ll all die. It makes me question the whole point of
everything.

Why are we all here? What’s the
point?

I’m pretty sure Mr. Andrews is on
the same page as me. He seems really depressed every time he lectures about the
end of the world. I sit in a seat by the window while he talks about melting
glaciers and starving polar bears. From my window seat I notice the leaves are
changing color. I wonder if it’s my imagination they’re changing earlier this
year.

Maybe it’s already happening.

“Class, did you know if the earth
keeps warming at the current rate then life as we know it will end?”

I glance over my shoulder at the
football players in the back of the room. Matt Lyons grabs his crotch under the
table and starts to rub. No one says a word. I feel my skin burn and hurriedly
turn back to Mr. Andrew’s speech.

“What happens if the earth gets too
hot?” It’s Jared in the back of the room. I turn and look at him – his
eyes look huge behind his coke-bottle glasses; like giant marbles.

Mr. Andrews looks around the room,
his face full of concern. “The earth will get hotter. The first thing you’ll
notice are more insects. They’ll be everywhere. You won’t be able to go to the
beach without being stung by jellyfish. Jellyfish carcasses will cover the
sand, making it impossible to get close to the water. Disease will spread
throughout the world. Pharmaceutical companies will rush to make cures for new
diseases. Water levels will rise. Beach communities will go under water. Want
to live in Manhattan? Forget about it, the whole island will be under water. So
will low level islands. The world will change folks. It will change and it
won’t be possible to change it back. It will too late.”

I look back over my shoulder at
Jared. His eyes aren’t just marbles: they’re two silver dollars. He holds his
pencil still in his hand. The classroom is silent. I look out the window at the
trees turning color for fall.

Then the bell rings and everyone
scurries out of the classroom.

***

After last bell I wait by my locker
for Chloe. I only have five minutes until I have to catch the bus.

Seconds tick by. I haven’t seen
Chloe all day. She wasn’t in the cafeteria and I never saw her in the hallways.
I keep looking up and down the halls. But they’re emptier by the second. I pull
out my cell phone and send her a text.

Where r u?

A few seconds later I have a
response.

With Hannah Sachs.

Hannah? Why is Chloe hanging out
with Hannah when she’s supposed to give me a ride home?

I’m @ school, r u coming back?

No.

K, I’ll catch the bus.

See u tomorrow.

I shove the phone in my backpack
and head outside. The buses are getting ready to pull away when I open the
doors. It’s so lame, being one of the only seniors who rides the bus to school.
When my bus goes to close the door, I start to run.

Chapter Twelve

When I get home I log into Facebook. No new friend requests.
But Chloe has a new friend: Chloe Baker and Hannah Sachs are now friends stares at
me front and center of my computer screen.

I click Chloe’s page. Most of our
friends used to be the same. But that’s changing. Every day it seems like she’s
adding someone I barely know. And lots of my friends are no longer on her list.
It’s like we’re drifting farther apart.

She also has some new pictures.
There’s a picture of her and Hannah sitting on the dock out at the lake. In the
background are a couple of guys I don’t recognize. They’re just shadows in the
background.

I visit her wall to leave a
message. Just because things are weird at school doesn’t mean it has to affect
our friendship.

We have been best friends forever
after all.

The messages on Chloe’s wall jump
out at me.

Whore.

Slut.

Love
your boobs, let’s hook up some time.

I stare at the words on the page.
Why hasn’t Chloe mentioned this? Why hasn’t she removed the taunts from her
page where any of her friends can see the messages?

I start typing in the box at the
top of the screen:

Hey,
Chloe, let’s get together soon. Miss you.

Senior year sucks so bad. I hate
how people act towards us. Chloe hasn’t done anything to deserve this
harassment.

I miss our friendship and the way
things used to be. All I want to do is go back in time and never go to Josh’s
lame party.

I turn off my computer and lay on
my bed. I’ve been sleeping in the same room since third grade. A lot of times I
still feel like a little kid. I can’t wait to go away to college and escape the
prison of my life.

I grab my cell and dial Chloe’s
number. The phone ring and rings. The ringing stops and her voice sing songs on
her voicemail. I can’t think of anything to say so I don’t leave a message.

Chapter Thirteen

Chloe’s dad used to hang lights on the tall evergreens in
front of Chloe’s house. Her family used to inflate those ugly snowmen that
always blew over in a storm. Her house was always so… festive. But now I’m
sitting out front of her house in my car looking at the dark residence,
thinking back to happier times. Chloe’s house was once featured in the Santa
Lights tour. Families used to drive by her house, kids with their noses pressed
against the windows. Chloe’s dad had a whole family of inflatable elves. A
giant Santa sat outside her house and waved to visitors. But this year is a
stark contrast: the house is dark. It’s the only house on the block without
lights.

Like it’s trying to hide.

I step out of the car and walk up
to the door. Chloe’s dog used to always bark if you even got close to the door.
I wait for the bark, but the house is silent.

Then I remember her dad took the
dog.

I stand outside the doorway waiting
for the sound of footsteps. Chloe usually looks for me outside her window. I
never have to knock. But the house is silent.

Things have changed so much between
the two of us. Part of me wants to make a clean break and part of me wants to
at least try
to save our friendship. Sometimes I question whether it’s even worth trying.

I ring the doorbell.

The wind blows my hair and I pull
it to the side. Rain beats against my face. I ring the doorbell again. The
curls I spent all morning carefully twisting with a curling iron begin to
loosen. Is she torturing me? Paying me back for the demise of our friendship?

Finally, I hear footsteps and then
the door cracks open. She’s wearing sweatpants. Her hair is soaking wet, like
she just jumped out of the shower.

At 6:00 PM.

“Sorry, something came up. Do you
want to come in? I’ll dry my hair fast so we can go.”

I follow her into the house. Boxes
scatter the floor. A stack of books sits in the entryway, a clothesbasket of
men’s sweaters. I walk past a maze of men’s shoes. The floor’s covered with
mud. Everyone seems to be missing.

“Are you here by yourself?” I ask
while I follow her up the stairs.

“Yeah, Mom went out with her
co-workers and Dad’s in his new apartment, so I’m by myself. Lucky me.”

At least I’m not the only person
whose parents hate each other.

She swings open the door to her
room. Her bed’s stacked with clothes – like all her clothes. Sweaters,
blouses, jeans; everything from her closet is lying on her bed. Her room is
like the day after Thanksgiving at a two-hour sale.

“Why are all your clothes on the
bed?”

Her brow furrows and she turns to
look at the pile of mess, like she’s just noticing the disarray in her room for
the first time. “Mom’s behind on laundry.”

“But you can do laundry.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Can you even tell what’s clean on
your bed?” I pick up a sweater. “Is this clean or dirty?”

She walks over to where I’m
standing. It’s like a game show. “Um…” She takes the sweater out of my hand and
twirls it around. “Dirty… I wore this to school the other day and spilt grape
soda on it: there’s the stain.” She points to a dark spot on the sweater. “Ugh,
I need Mom to put some stain cleaner on it.”

“Maybe you should clean your room.”

She looks around, like she’s taking
in her surroundings for the first time. “You really think it’s that bad?”

I point to a pile of food-crusted
plates on her desk. They’re sitting on top of her Calc book for school. No
wonder she’s having trouble in school: her books have morphed into food trays.
“Yeah, I think it’s that bad. It’s gross.”

Her shoulders slump and she pushes
a couple of sweaters aside so she can sit on the edge of her bed. “Fine, if my
room’s so gross I’ll just stay home and clean it. It’s not like we ever get
together and hang out anymore anyway.”

“Chloe, come on, that’s not what I
meant. It’s just… that… I don’t know. How can you even sleep in here? There’s
stuff everywhere!”

“I don’t know. I slept on the couch
the other night.”

“What’s your mom think about you
sleeping on the couch?”

She shrugs her shoulders and stares
at the floor. “She’s been out with her friends. I don’t like sleeping up here
by myself. Downstairs I can turn the TV on.”

Chloe gets up and starts folding sweaters
in a pile. I join her, hanging shirts that look clean, folding sweaters,
setting aside clothes that need to be washed. Neither one of us talk.

Thirty minutes later we have the
bed cleaned off with the exception of the pile of suspect clothes I created.

I point to the pile. “Are these
clean or dirty?”

Chloe walks to my side of the bed
and picks up a blouse she wore the day before. There’s a brown stain on the
front. “I think dirty, I can’t tell, I’ll throw them in the clothes hamper.”
She grabs the pile.

“Why not just throw them in the
washing machine?”

Chloe looks at me like I grew a
third eye. “My mom can wash it later.”

“Yeah…” I examine the debris-strewn
room. “But if she’s not ever home, why not just do it yourself?”

“Because I don’t want to, it’s a
total mess.”

“Nobody ever wants to, but if it needs to get done, then someone has to
do it.”

Chloe bends down and grabs a pile
of clothes. Sweaters fall to the ground and she reaches down to pick them up.
“Fine, I’ll throw them in the wash. But then can we go? It’s getting late and I want to get out of here.”

“Okay, fine, let’s get out of
here.”

***

Red Robin is packed when we arrive.
It’s the only place to go if you are underage without a fake ID. We wait in the
lobby watching groups be seated. I wish we were old enough for the bar. The bar
could save us the embarrassment of being the only teenagers not in the
restaurant with a big group of friends.

The door opens and a cold wind
blows in, freezing my bones. I pull my coat tighter around my body. Guys in
familiar blue coats enter the lobby. It’s the football team. My heart drops.

“Beckett Smith?”

The hostess smiles at me. I grab
Chloe’s arm and pull her up. I want to get out of the lobby before Kale’s
friends see me.

We follow the hostess past tables
of families with screaming kids and couples on dates. The TVs behind the bar
play basketball games. A group of guys erupt in screams and high-fives. The
hostess points us to a seat in the back of the restaurant. For a minute I think
Chloe is going to protest. We came out to be seen after all, but I head her
off: seeing Kale and his friends makes me heart skip a beat.

“Thanks.” I smile at the hostess
and sit down.

Chloe’s mouth opens and shuts. She
gets into the booth across from me. The hostess places the menus in front of us
and walks away. “Why are we sitting back here? Nothing goes on in the back of
the restaurant. We should ask to move to the front.”

I shake my head. “No, we can’t.” I
wave my arm in the air, careful to not turn around where everyone can see me.
“Look how busy it is in here. Where would we sit anyway?”

Chloe looks around the room and I
pretend to examine the menu. “Over there’s an empty table.” She stands up like
she’s going to grab the hostess. But before she can move, she sits back down like
she saw a ghost. “Okay, never mind. You’re right, it is really busy in here
today.”

The guys are seated and Kale looks
our direction. He looks flustered and turns away, as if he hasn’t seen me. I’m
frozen. I look across the table and see I’m not the only person who can’t move.
Only we’re frozen for opposite reasons.

Chloe turns red. She holds up the
menu to her face and disappears.

***

Fifteen minutes later the burgers
are in front of us. I try not to keep looking over at Kale.

The blue-coated guys laugh in the
background. The laughter is loud enough to reach across the bustling
restaurant. I’m sure they’re laughing at us. Isn’t everyone? The sound makes
Chloe cringe.

Suddenly she gets up. “I need to
use the restroom.”

“Really? You want me to come with you?”

“No, I’ll be right back.”

Instead of walking past Kale’s
table she walks back towards the bar, loops around the front of the restaurant
with her head down. I watch her walk into the bathroom. When she’s gone I
glance at Kale.

He gets up and walks my direction.
A wave of nausea hits me. Maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea.

He smiles when he gets to our
table.  “Hey, what’s going on?”

The heat rises to my face. I cast a
nervous glance back at the restroom. I don’t want Chloe to see Kale and I
talking. “Having dinner with Chloe.”

“You still hanging out with her?”

“We’ve been friends since second
grade.”

“She’s doesn’t like me.” He sits
down across from me. He’s wearing a blue, long sleeve button down shirt that
matches his eyes. His broad shoulders block out the view of the restroom. For a
moment I forget it’s Chloe I came to the restaurant with and not him. His eyes
smile at me. “What are you doing later?”

I shrug. “Hanging with Chloe.”

“We’re going to a party later. You
should stop by.”

“I…” My skin tingles at the idea of
spending time with Kale. I want a second chance. I can’t believe how much I
miss him. But I promised Chloe we’d hang. And I owe it to her to be a better
friend. “I wish I could…”

“Why not? You never come to any
parties. We never hang out anymore.”

“I wonder why…”

He pauses like he wants to say
something else, but the words are stuck on the edge of his tongue. “Maybe you
should find some new friends. Chloe’s ruining your senior year.”

“She’s not ruining my year…”

“You don’t have to defend her you
know.”

“Hey…”

We both look up to see Chloe. She
looks at me, her eyes wide with disbelief. I look back at Kale. Kale stands up.
“Nice talking to you.” He passes Chloe without saying a word.

Chloe’s eyes burn a hole in his
back. She sits down and sips her diet coke. “What was he doing over here?”

“He just stopped over to say hi.”

“Did he say anything about me?”

“No.”

She looks over her shoulder towards
Kale’s table. She looks angry. Like she might jump over the table and go after
him. It’s not something I want to see. “Well… Let’s hurry and eat. I don’t want
to be in the same room with those creeps.”

I take a bite of my hamburger,
watching Kale over Chloe’s shoulder.

Chapter Fourteen

The next morning the obsession gets worse.

I’m hiding under my covers,
avoiding a Sunday of too much family time when my cell phone buzzes. The buzz
is a bee in my ear. I know who it is without looking at the display. Only one
person would send me a text message while I’m still buried under my covers in
bed. I pull the covers over my head and ignore the sound.

But my phone keeps vibrating. I
squeeze my eyes shut and wish I were somewhere else. Anywhere but the life I’m
stuck in.

But my phone won’t stop buzzing.

I throw off the covers and grab the
phone. I have three texts.

What
r u doing?

Want
2 go to the bridge?

Someone
jumped.

I squint at the text. Someone
jumped? What? Who jumped?

I dial her number.

“What are you doing?” She doesn’t
bother to say hello.

“Sleeping. It’s Sunday morning and
that’s what I do on Sunday mornings.”

“Want to go down to the Aurora
Bridge?”

“Why?”

“Another person jumped.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Suicide Bridge – some kid
from South Shore jumped from the bridge this morning.”

“Why would I want to go see that?”

“There won’t be anything to see.
They’ll have it taken care of by the time we get there. I just want to see what
it’s like…”

“It’s perverted Chloe.”

“Fine – don’t come with me.
Stay in bed all day. I’ll just drive down to Seattle by myself.”

I look around my room. I’d been surrounded
by the four walls too much lately. “Okay, as long as there won’t be anything to
see, I’ll ride down to Seattle with you.”

***

It doesn’t turn out exactly like
Chloe promised. We drive down I-5 and the weather can’t make up its mind. It
rains. It’s sunny. It sprinkles and the clouds roll away. The traffic gets
thicker and cars race by when we take the death exit on Denny Way and head
towards the bridge.

My parents will kill me if they
find I’m in Seattle with Chloe. My mom doesn’t even like driving to Seattle.
There’s no way she’d let me go with someone who only had her driver’s license
for one year.

We head to Highway 99 and loop down
to the district of tech companies and restaurants that reside under the bridge.

The cops are still at the scene. An
ambulance with flashing lights is parked next to a business. The ambulance just
sits there casually, like it’s in no hurry to go.

“You said they’d be gone.”

Chloe pulls into a parking lot and
turns off the engine. “I thought they would be.”

“Then what are we doing?”

“Let’s get out. It’s a public
place. Anybody can be here.”

She opens the driver’s side door. I
sit, glued in my seat. I can’t get out. I’ve never seen a dead body. This is
such a bad idea. I wish I never came along. I’m pretty sure my best friend is
losing her mind. “Chloe… I think we should go.”

She has one foot out the door.
“Why?”

“Because… it’s just wrong. It’s…
morbid.”
“It’s life, Beckett. Everybody dies. Some people more dramatically than
others.” She swings her legs out the door and slams it behind her. The car
shakes. I watch her walk towards the scene. I can’t believe what she’s doing.

My mouth fills with acid.

What if I see something? A crumpled
body and a pool of blood?

I get out of the car and follow.

No one notices us. They’re too busy
taking notes, measuring distances, and examining the scene. I guess it’s not
unreasonable that two girls would be out walking on a Sunday afternoon. I guess
it only becomes suspicious if we get close.

The body is on the sidewalk. We get
near enough to see the outline underneath a white sheet. And it’s not like the
body is laid flat on its back. The sheet is all lumpy and there are bumps where
there shouldn’t be. It’s hard to imagine there’s a body underneath. It’s almost
like a mislaid construction project. The pool of blood gives it away.

The cops notice us. Finally. I
don’t want to get any closer.

“Help you ladies with anything?” He
gives Chloe and I a suspicious look.

Chloe straightens up. “No. What’s
going on? We’re from out of town, just wanted to get our picture taken with the
Freemont Troll. We heard it was down here somewhere.”

“Well, you can’t come this way. We
have the area closed off while we do an investigation. The troll’s over there,
anyway. You’re going the wrong direction.”

Chloe looks over her shoulder. Like
she’s seeing the area for the first time. Like a tourist. “Okay, thanks,
officer. We’ll go check it out.”

The officer walks away. She waits
for him to get out of earshot before she turns back to me. “Come on,” she
whispers, “we can watch from the troll.”

I follow her down the sidewalk to
where the officer pointed.

***

The troll is hiding in the shadows.
The jumpers must have a bad effect on his psyche.

Chloe climbs up on the troll’s
outstretched hand and turns her attention back to the sheet on the sidewalk. I
climb up and join her. A light sprinkle starts. From the shelter of the bridge
I watch the wet dots make polka dots on the sidewalk. A gust of wind pushes my
hair away from my face and I pull my jacket tight around my body.

“Do you think it hurt?” Her voice
is a whisper, her eyes glued to the flashing lights on the ambulance.

I shrug. “I have no idea. I don’t
want to know either. There must be an easier way.”

“But think of what your last
moments would be like. You’d be flying. Like you were free. You’d know in your
last moments that you were breaking away. Escaping everything that sucks. You
wouldn’t have long – a second or two – but that’s all you’d need.
You might as well have that, if you don’t have anything else.”

Her eyes are far away – in
another universe – in a place where jumping off a bridge is a totally
normal thing to do. The whole conversation freaks me out. “If you really want
to know what flying is like you could take sky diving lessons.”

“Not if you didn’t want to come
back you wouldn’t.”

We watch the guys in white carry a
stretcher to the lumpy sheet. They place the stretcher on the ground and bend
down to lift the figure sprawled on the cement. An arm dangles from under the
sheet. The elbow is all wrong though, like the lower part of the arm twisted
away from the top. There’s a dark spot on the sidewalk where the sheet had
been.

I break the silence. “He went to
South Shore?”

Chloe nods. “That’s what the news
said.”

“I wonder why he jumped…” It’s more
just to fill the silence, something to contemplate while they load the
stretcher onto the ambulance. Someone turns off the red flashing lights. The
ambulance is not in a hurry. “It seems like a pretty stupid thing to do.”

“High school sucks Beckett. I mean,
what are we all here for anyway? Maybe we’re the stupid ones.”

The doors to the ambulance shut and
it pulls away from the curb. The cops return to their vehicles. The drizzle
turns to rain, covering the sidewalk with a sheet of wet. We watch the
ambulance disappear. After they’re gone, other than the wet spot left on the
cement, it’s like nothing had happened at all. Like it didn’t even matter.
Neither one of us says a thing.

Chapter Fifteen

Chloe’s gone. Not in the physical sense. I still see her at
school. But we don’t eat lunch together anymore. And we hardly talk with the
exception of the occasional ride to school. Our relationship has been weird all
year. But after the last trip to the bridge, it’s like I know a secret she
doesn’t want to face. And the farther away she gets, the more opportunities I
have to move on with my life and try to make it normal again.

I’m sitting on my bed picking lint
off my comforter. It’s 8:15; first period bell rings in ten minutes, and
Chloe’s late. The sound of Mom’s heels clicking up and down the hall let me
know she won’t leave home until she knows I left for school. I get up and pull
back the curtains. The road in front of the house is empty. The school bus has
already picked up the band geeks who have no other transport.

I know Chloe’s not coming. I don’t
know why I even bother.

I walk into the kitchen. Cody’s
gone, safely off to school, and Mom’s gathering her work things. A coffee mug.
A handbag filled with items that have been lost inside for a year. She’s
looking at her phone like she’s making sure it works.

“Mom?”

She jumps.

“Oh… hi, dear. I thought you had
left. What are you still doing here?”

“I need a ride to school.”

She looks at her watch. I know it
will make her late. But she doesn’t say it: I know there are a million things
she wants to say to me right now. “Okay, dear, let’s go.”

***

The sidewalks outside of school are
almost empty when Mom pulls up to the curb. Everyone’s inside, starting another
day of education. Life’s all peaches and popsicles at North Lake High. A few
strays linger outside – the stoners that spend half the time in detention
and the kids whose parents sit on the school board. I open the car door and
head towards school.

Mom leans her head out the window.
“Bye, dear. Have a great day. Give me a call later if you need me to pick you
up.”

“Okay, Mom…”

I think she’s going to roll up her
window and drive away. “Becks, maybe you should try calling Chloe again to make
sure she’s okay – you know, just to check on her.”

Mom’s face fills with concern. I hold
my phone in my hand. I know she hasn’t texted back. I have no idea why. There’s
a lifetime of friendships that has disappeared. Like a universe of time and
space exists between the two of us. “Sure, if she doesn’t show up I’ll check on
her.”

“Great, dear. I worry about Chloe.
You should be there for her if she needs you.”

Mom pauses and then the automatic
windows go up. I watch the glass partition that separates Mom and I creep up
until it closes. Then she pulls away from the curb and drives away, leaving me
alone with the school and everyone who loathes me.

***

By lunchtime Chloe still hasn’t
shown up. I text her once to silence. I could call but I don’t.

After I get my lunch I start
towards the back of the cafeteria to hide. To get away from my life and all the
people who are trying to make it so much worse. Someone calls my name. I look
around and spot Jen sitting with a couple of girls from the cheer squad. Jennie
is wearing all blue with a sparkly devil painted on her face. Jennie is all
about school spirit.

I walk up to the table. “Hey.” I
hate walking around the cafeteria with my lunch tray and no place to sit.
Someone might as well paint an L on my chest.

“Hi, Beckett! Are you coming to the
game tonight?”

The two girls sitting with Jen look
at me curiously. One of the girls is Alexa Gordon, one of Jen’s school-spirit
prep friends. It’s a table full of girls who are having a totally normal senior
year.

“I don’t know…”

“You should come. Toby Martin is
having a party after the game. His parents went to Aruba. You never come out
anymore.”

I wonder why…

“Maybe, I’ll think about it.”

“Want to sit down?” Katie moves
over and makes a spot for me in the crowded cafeteria.

The spot is exactly what I need.
Sitting with the girls will save me from being frozen out in the back of the
cafeteria. I’m so tired of being a social outcast. I take the empty seat.

“Great, I hope you can come to the
party! Everyone is dressing up in all blue for the game!”

A few minutes later Emma joins us.
Excited voices swirl around me. Everyone is so
happy. Senior year is perfect!

Everyone is caught up in the
excitement of the game and everything else going on in the world of the
perfects. It’s a nice break to be sitting in the middle of perfect.

I nod my head and take a bite of my
sandwich, enjoying the conversation.

***

School ends and I’m stuck outside
without a ride home. It’s not like I have a lot of options now that Chloe is
MIA and my parents forgot I exist. When everyone is gone and no one is looking
I walk towards the city bus stop. But instead of taking the bus I know will
take me home I stop and read the bus schedule. I want to go to Chloe’s to see
if she is okay, just to check up on things. A woman sits on the bench,
surrounded by neatly folded blankets and bags of cans and bottles. She stares
at the sidewalk and doesn’t bother to look at me as I approach. Route 3 stops a
block from Chloe’s house so I sit down on a bench and wait.

The woman starts singing Christmas songs. She has a lovely
voice. She starts with Silent Night. I
close my eyes and want to fall asleep. My life filled with suck drifts away.

After Silent Night she starts on Joy to the World. I remember that song from the fourth grade
Christmas pageant. Chloe and I sang in the front row, both dressed as angels.
The pageant seems like a lifetime ago.

A loud rumble comes down the road
and the Christmas singing stops. It’s the bus that will take me to Chloe’s. I
stand up and get on the bus, leaving the woman behind.

***

Chloe’s red VW bug is the only car
in the driveway when I walk up to the house. My stomach does a flip and I
debate heading back to the bus stop. I should just go home. If Chloe cared she
would call me back or at least send me a text. It’s like there’s a wall between
us and I’m the only one trying to knock it down.

I pull out my phone and sent her
another text.

I’m standing outside.

Nothing.

R u home?

Still nothing.

I start towards the front door. The
house is silent and still. My phone buzzes. The sound startles me.

Where?

Ur front door.

Rrrrrrrrrr…

I stand at her doorstep as the
sound of footsteps approach. The door cracks open. Chloe peeks her head out.

“Can’t you take a hint?”

“I’ve been trying to reach you all
day. You missed class. We had a test and it’s going to totally mess up your
grade.”

She opens the door farther. She’s
wearing sweatpants and a faded North Lake t-shirt from cheer the year before.
Her hair’s twisted in knots. Her face is makeup-free, like she couldn’t be
bothered with the extra effort. Her puffy eyes make her look tired and old.
Chloe’s seventeen. Seventeen’s too young to look old.

“I’m sick,” she says as she starts
towards the living room. Like that’s the answer to everything that’s gone wrong
with her life.

I follow her into the house. “Sick?
Really? You seemed fine yesterday.”

“Yeah… well, I’m not today.”

The boxes are still scattered
around the living room. Only now there’s more. The house looks almost the same
as the last time I visited. In a way, though, it looks worse. Like everything
in the house is trying to escape. I squeeze my way between boxes. Chloe makes
her way to the couch. She grabs a blanket and pulls it over herself. The couch
is surrounded by empty cans of soda and candy wrappers. I notice a can of beer
on the coffee table.

“Is this what you’ve been doing all
day?”

She shrugs. “I was sleeping.”

“Does your mom know you missed
school today?”

Chloe shakes her head. “No. Does
she need to?”

“I guess not.”

Chloe’s good at forging her mom’s
signature on everything from permission slips to absentee notes. Since Chloe got
a car she barely needs her mom for anything.

“I’ve been thinking about my life.
I need to come up with some sort of sickly, non-terminal disease I can suffer
from through senior year. Something mysterious and incurable, but not deadly. A
good reason to miss a bunch of school. I really can’t take it there anymore.”

I watch her rest her chin on her
curled up legs. She needs a therapist, but I don’t say it.

“Maybe an autoimmune disorder or
something like that would work. Didn’t we learn about that in health class?”

She grabs a notebook and pen off
the table. “Yeah. Great idea! An autoimmune disorder. I’ll do some research.”

She replaces the pad of paper with
the TV remote and flips the TV on. The end of Oprah
plays in the background. Chloe pulls up her legs and rests her chin on her
knees. Other than the sound of the TV the room is silent. Oprah ends her
segment on Be the Best You! The evening
news comes on. The headline story is a shooting outside the courthouse in
downtown Seattle. I watch the day’s news pass by before I break the silence.

“Do you want to come to the game
tonight?”

Chloe’s head swivels around so fast
I worry her neck might snap. “You’re going to the game?”

“Yeah, I was thinking of it. I saw
Jennie in the cafeteria today. She said Toby Martin is having a party after the
game. We should go.”

Chloe’s face turns red. I can’t
tell if she’s mad or embarrassed from being left out. “Well… one, I can’t go to
the game since I skipped school today and it’s supposed to be because I’m
suffering from a horrible autoimmune disorder, and two, what the hell were you
doing talking to Jen?”

“I saw her in the cafeteria. She
invited me to eat with her. You weren’t there so I didn’t have anyone to sit
with at lunch.”

“You ate lunch with Jen?”

I look at the floor. “Yeah…”

“Since when did you start talking
to her again?”

“We just ate lunch together a few
times. I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not against the law! I’m allowed
to have other friends!”

Chloe pulls the blanket tighter
around herself and returns to flipping through the channels. I sit at the end
of the couch. I want to escape and I want to talk at the same time. Neither of
us says a word.

A few minutes later my phone rings.
Mom’s work number illuminates the display. It’s 5:00 and that means it’s time
for me to head home.

“I have to go.” I get up from the
couch. I glance at Chloe. She’s wrapped up in the blanket like it’s a cocoon
protecting her from the outside world. “All I wanted was to come over here and
make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” she says without taking
her eyes away from the TV.

“Call me this weekend if you need
anything. Maybe we can get together Saturday night or something.”

“Yeah… okay… maybe.”

I shift my weight from foot to
foot. When I realize she isn’t going to get up or say anything else, I walk to
the door and leave.

Chapter Sixteen

If Chloe’s going to ignore me and hang out with her new
friends, I might as well have some fun. It’s not like I don’t want to hang out
with her. But she makes everything so… difficult. And she’s always with her new
friends anyway. Plus, if I go out without her then I can hang out with the
regular crowd. Without Chloe everything is easier.

Mom lets me borrow the car with a
curfew of midnight. She looks so glad I’m going to a school function rather
than sulking around the house on a Friday night. Mom hates sulking. She didn’t
try out for Mother of the Year to raise a sulker! I get the feeling she’d go
along with anything to keep me from spending the night pouting at home.

I spend the evening going through
my closet, looking for the perfect outfit that makes me look like I’m not
trying too hard without looking like I’m trying at all.

My stomach twists in knots when I
pull into the parking lot outside the gym. With the exception of the glow from
a few streetlights, the parking lot is pitch black. The North Lake student body
is safely inside cheering on the team!

I sit in the driver’s seat after I
turn off the engine and rest my head against the steering wheel. Last year
Chloe and I went to every North Lake basketball game together. We sat in the
student section and cheered. We snuck beers behind the gym. I kissed Kale for
the first time after a game. This year nothing fun is happening.

I take a deep breath and walk
across the parking lot to the gym.

A group of sophomores are huddled
outside the gym, drinking cans of Red Bull. They’re crowded together, kept warm
by the glow of cigarettes. The smell isn’t the kind that comes from
store-bought cigarettes.

These guys are going to get in so
much trouble...

“Hey, Becks!”

I search for the source of my name
in the group of hooded figures. Ian breaks away from the guys. He’s got on his
usual uniform of a blue sweatshirt with a devil holding a pitchfork on the
front.

I zip up my coat. My breath turns
to smoke. Carbon monoxide crystals float into the air. They glow against the
dim streetlights.

“What are you guys doing?” I nod
over to where his friends are standing.

“Oh, that? Nothing. We’re not doing
anything.”

“It looks like something.”

He looks over his shoulder, back at
his friends. “It’s not anything.”

“Sure…”

He stares at the ground. His
friends laugh in the background. A couple of North Lake students walk past us
on their way into the game. I shiver and my nose goes numb in the cold.

“Are you here by yourself?”

“I’m meeting some friends inside.”

“Where’s Chloe?”

I shrug. “At home, I guess. I’m not
sure.”

“Oh…” He kicks some rocks. They
roll off the sidewalk, back onto the road. His friends break into a fit of
laughter. Whatever is funny seems like a million miles away. “Do you guys still
hang out?”

“Yeah… Sometimes.”

“I saw her at school the other day.
She’s so skinny now.”

A car drives by and a group of
freshmen jump out. Their laughter fills the air as they walk towards the gym.
I’m freezing. I want to go inside.

“She’s lost some weight.”

“You should invite her out to do
stuff.”

I look past Ian. I take a deep
breath and the cold air freezes my throat.

“We do stuff.”

“Ian! Come back here man! You gotta
see this!” One of Ian’s friends holds up his iPhone with some video playing on
the screen. From where I stand it looks like a naked woman with enormous
breasts. Men love looking at topless women on their cell phones. It’s what got
me to where I am today. He waves Ian over. I clench my hands to warm up my fingers.

“Have fun at the game, Becks. Maybe
I’ll see you inside,” he says as he walks off.

“Yep, catch you later.”

***

I walk into the gym and head
straight to the student section. I just need to make it to the back of the
bleachers where I can blend in with the crowd. I walk with a purpose. Like I
know where I’m going but I’m really just looking for an empty place to sit.

I find a safe place to hide. The
teams are practicing lay ups prior to the game. Someone calls my name and it
takes me a minute to acclimate.

“Becks! Hey! What are you doing
back there?”

I look down and see Emma decked out
in her North Lake school pride. She’s sitting four rows down from my loathsome
spot in the back of the bleachers. She waves to get my attention.

I wave back. “Hey, Emma!”

She gets up and hikes back to where
I’m sitting.

“Who are you here with?” She walks
to the top of the stairs and sits next to me.

It’s the question I was dreading. I
want to make something up. To not admit I’m a total loser and my only friend is
scared to show her face at any school event. But Emma is the one person at the
school who doesn’t judge. So I decide to go with the truth.

“I just came on my own. Can’t miss
the big game between South Shore and North Lake, you know?”

Emma isn’t fazed. I’m sure she’s
the only person at the whole school who doesn’t think showing up for the game
on your own is weird. Instead she sees it as an opportunity to increase the
size of her circle of friends. “Oh good, you have to come down and sit with us. Isn’t this exciting? If
we win we’ll be in the lead for the Eastside Conference. Can you even believe
it?”

I nod my head. I’m so far out of
the loop that I didn’t even know we had a winning basketball team. But it does
explain the overwhelming school spirit permeating the halls at North Lake.

“Sure, I’ll come sit with you.” I
get up and followed Emma to her group.

***

The buzzer rings for the start of
the first quarter. Emma pulls my hand and makes a space on the bench next to
her. Emma’s group is a rag tag mix of kids that are almost popular, but for
various circumstances they never quite broke into the elite crowd – the
almost clique – the perfect group to sit with to watch the game.

The quarter begins and they call
Kale’s name. He runs out to the center court. The crowd breaks into applause.
He glances over at our side of the gym. His eyes scan the crowd. It’s like he’s
looking for me. My heart jumps into my throat. I want to wave, but I don’t want
to draw attention to myself. When I’m done clapping, I place my hands on my
lap.

Five minutes into the game I’m
settled in. I’m able to stare at Kale without it being weird as he shoots
basket after basket. School gossip, parent problems, and broken crushes circle
around me. I half listen in on other people’s conversations. I have my ear open
for anything that has to do with Kale.

North Lake calls a time out and the
cheer squad runs onto the court. Jennie leads the team in her blue and white
devil’s outfit. The squad builds a pyramid and throws her up into the air. She
kicks her legs out and lands in the arms of the group perfectly. The remaining
crowd breaks into applause.

“God, I haven’t seen her for
awhile. Why’s she so skinny?” Katie says. Her voice rises above the crowd and
my eyes follow to where she’s pointing.

It’s Chloe with her new best friend
Hannah Sachs. They’re wearing matching North Lake t-shirts with devils painted
on their faces. It’s been a long time since Chloe’s sported school spirit.
Hannah must have powers that I don’t.

They walk to the end of the
bleachers and disappear into the crowd. I pretend to watch the end of the
halftime show in silence.

Now that Chloe’s out of earshot,
Katie goes on to anyone who will listen. “I heard that Chloe and Hannah were at
a party at Richard’s last weekend smoking weed in the back room. They
disappeared for a long time so Richard went looking for them and found Chloe
giving some college guy a blowjob on a lawn chair in the backyard.”

The group breaks into laughter. I
stare at the bleachers. Green gum is stuck to the bleachers close to Katie. All
she has to do is move a couple of inches and she’ll have a butt covered in gum.

“I mean, really, is she like a porn
star or something? First nude pictures, then blow jobs.” More laughter. Lilly
looks over her shoulder to where I’m sitting. Our eyes meet and she stops
laughing. At least someone sitting around us recognizes that I was once Chloe’s
best friend.

But Katie doesn’t care –
she’s on a roll. I want to say something – to step in and defend my
friend – but people are looking. I want to crawl under the bleachers and
disappear.

Emma’s the only person who notices
my discomfort. She leans over so no one else can hear. “Don’t listen to Katie,
she always wants to be the center of attention. She’s just spreading gossip so
people will listen to her.”

North Lake High runs back out onto
the court. Kale comes out first and the crowd erupts into cheers. Katie’s
attention diverts from Chloe and returns to the court. I take the opportunity
to look over at Chloe.

She’s sitting way at the end of the
bleachers, away from the other students. Hannah is to her right, next to a
couple of guys I recognize from North Lake but whose names are a mystery. They
lean together and laugh, ignoring the world around them. Part of me wants to go
over and join them. But joining them would be a death sentence.

My phone buzzes and I look at the
display.

R
u here?

It’s Chloe. She’s sitting on the
bench staring at her phone, waiting for my reply. I start to text her back but
I just can’t deal, so I put the phone back in my handbag.

My phone buzzes again but I pretend
not to hear it and turn my attention back to the game.

***

The game is tied up after at the
start of the fourth quarter. Kale’s the star. Photographers snap his picture as
he runs up and down the court. North Lake calls a timeout and the student body
rushes to the concession stand.

Emma turns to me. “Let’s get
something to drink.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into the crowd.

I follow her down the bleachers. We
beat most of the crowd to the concession stand.

But there’s a small line. Emma and
I wait behind a couple of sophomore girls. One sends texts while the other
twists her hair. They order two large sodas that are almost as big as the girls
themselves.

Emma and I each order a Pepsi. The
crowd roars from inside the gym. Everything going on around me seems like it’s
happening in another dimension. I place my straw through the lid of the plastic
cup and take a sip. Bubbles tickle my throat. Emma grabs my arm and pulls me
back towards the gym. She opens the door and Chloe and Hannah stand on the
other side.

Emma and I stop. Emma looks at me
and back at Chloe. Hannah puts her hands on her hips. Her eyes are like daggers
cutting into me.

Chloe’s brow furrows and our eyes
meet. She’s the first to break the silence. “Hey.”

“Oh… hey, I didn’t know you were
here,” is all I can come up with. My brain spins around a million excuses for
not answering her text. I have no explanation about why I haven’t acknowledged
that she is even here.

And she’s right in front of me. I feel
like total shit. Because it’s not bad enough I have no friends and my parents
are embarrassed I’m their daughter and Chloe has a new best friend. Chloe looks
like she’s going to cry. Her eyes are all watery. She looks from me to Emma and
then back at me. She crosses her arms over her chest. The face of the devil
from her t-shirt stares at me.

Go team!

“I sent you a text.”

“I’m sorry, my service has been
spotty.” She knows it’s a lie. I can see it in her eyes. But she’s too afraid
to call me out on it. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to know the truth.

Hannah glares at me from Chloe’s
side. Girls like Hannah scare me. She spends more time in detention than she
does in class. I wonder if she’ll even graduate on time.

“My service is working fine in here.
I wanted to know if you were here so we could sit together.”

I shrug. “I’m sorry, if I would
have gotten the message…”

She gives me a suspicious look,
like she wants to say something. To call me out on the lie everyone who can
hear me knows that I’m telling.

But she’s too polite. Or maybe the
truth it too hard to face.

“Come on, let’s get something to
drink before we miss the end of the game,” Hannah says and the spell is broken.
She grabs Chloe’s arm and pulls her away.

I watch her walk away. Emma opens
the door that leads back in the gym and we return to our seats.

Chapter Seventeen

“What do you want to do for your birthday?”

Mom’s at the sink, rinsing dishes
as she fills the dishwasher. I’m at the table, eating toast and trying to
memorize the order of the presidents for American History. Memorizing the
presidents is for people who try out for Jeopardy.
I don’t know why I have to do it.

“Nothing.”

She hesitates and I know that’s the
wrong answer. “Why don’t you invite Chloe over and we’ll have a pizza party or
something. We can rent movies or I can drop you girls off at the mall. Whatever
you’d like.”

“I don’t know, Mom. I can’t really
think of anything I’d like to do.”

Mom stops rinsing. She looks out
the window, like there’s a leprechaun outside under a rainbow or something. I
almost want to lean over her shoulder to check it out. “Aren’t you and Chloe
hanging out much anymore?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t invite her to the house
anymore. I haven’t seen much of her lately.”

“We hang out.”

“I don’t know, Beckett… with the
divorce and everything that’s happening at school, you should make sure you’re
there for her. It’s times like these when a person really needs a friend.”

Mom likes to make me feel like
crap. Like I need help feeling any worse than I already do. It’s not just my
fault that Chloe and I aren’t hanging out anymore. Chloe’s hanging out with
Hannah. I’m hanging out with Jen and Emma. It’s not like once you’re best
friends with someone that you have to stay best friends for the rest of your life.

Right?

But I know Mom has a point. Jen and
Emma won’t want to hang out with the fam for my birthday. Chloe always
celebrates my birthday with my family.

I should just call.

“Sure, Mom, I’ll see if she wants
to come. Maybe we can go out to pizza like you suggested. Thanks for asking.”

Mom’s face lights up and she
returns to putting away the dishes.

***

The nice thing about the passage of
time is that I’m starting to feel more comfortable walking the halls at school.
It’s not like before when school first started and people stared at me or
ignored me or whispered behind my back. It’s like my role in the whole picture
escapade is fading away from memory.

Chloe’s not so lucky.

I hardly see her around. It’s like
she’s found a way to make herself invisible. She’s the one person the
invisibility cloak works for. Or, she walks outside the building to get to her
classes and eats lunch in her car.

I take my seat in History class. I
rest my head on my hand and watch the groundskeeper mow the lawn while I wait
for my classmates. He goes back and forth across the grass, making a green
checkerboard. A blue jay lands on a branch outside the window. He tilts his
head to the side and I copy the motion. The rush of footsteps enter the room.
Another blue jay lands in the tree. They start to squawk. The sound’s so loud
it drowns out the sound of the classroom.

The bell rings and I turn around to
face the front of the class. Chloe usually sits in the desk next to me, but
today it’s empty. I can’t believe she’s skipping again. If she misses any more
school she probably won’t graduate. I reach down and take my cell phone out of
my backpack. The display is empty. No one has called or sent a text.

I open up my notebook as Mr.
Thompson walks to the front of the class. He starts talking about the Civil War
and how it shaped relationships between the north and the south. Out of the
corner of my eye I see the familiar blonde hair. Chloe is in class. She’s sitting on the other
side, towards the front of the room.

She doesn’t notice me staring.
Instead she’s playing the role of good little student. Like she doesn’t want to
acknowledge me sitting at my normal desk and the fact that she’s totally
avoiding me.

Mr. Thompson begins his lecture. I
feel conspicuous sitting by the window alone. I glance back out the window. The
grass is freshly mowed like a green check board and the blue jays have flown
away.

***

After class I debate trying to
catch Chloe before next period. I grab my books and head for the door. She’s
already down the hallway when I catch up with her.

“Hey, Chloe!” But she keeps
walking. Like she’s deaf or something. “Chloe!”

She turns around and her face is
blank. I can’t read her thoughts.

“Hey,” is all she can come up with.

We stop and face each other. It’s
like we don’t even know each other. Neither of us knows what to say.

Classmates rush pass on the way to
class. I shift on my feet. Maybe Mom was wrong about my birthday. I should just
turn around and walk off. I feel like I’m breaking some kind of friendship
rule.

“I…” Someone bumps me from behind
as I stand in the hallway. “I… My mom wants to throw one of her
best-mom-in-the-world parties for my birthday. She wants to know if you want to
come by. It’ll just be family… and you, if you want to come.”

It’s a lame, half-hearted invitation.
I realize it after I say it and I expect her to say no.

Her stance softens. “Oh, yeah, your
birthday is this weekend, isn’t it? Big eighteen. When’s your mom planning the
festivities?”

“Saturday.”

The bell rings again and the hall
clears out. Then it’s just Chloe and I.

“Sure, I’ll come. I have to get to
class before I get suspended again. Let me know what time later.”

“Okay, sure.” Then there’s an
uncomfortable silence. Chloe shifts on her feet and starts chewing chipped
black fingernail polish off her thumb. It’s a nervous habit. I look at my
watch. “Great, I’ll see you around.” Then I rush off to class.

Chapter Eighteen

Mom spends the rest of the week excited about a familial
birthday on the horizon. She buzzes around the house, excelling at what she
loves best: party planning and all of her Mom of the Year crap. It’s too bad
that besides my family, Chloe’s the only person coming.

I know I let Mom down in her quest
to be the best ever mom at North Lake.

It’s like she’s not even in the running
anymore.

Saturday afternoon I stand in my
closet, looking for a Happy birthday, you’re eighteen and pathetic! outfit when my phone buzzes. I have a new text. I
pick up my phone, sure it’s Chloe telling me she’s going to be late of that
she’s not coming at all. But it’s not Chloe. It’s Kale. I’m aware of my heart
thumping as I read the words on the screen.

Hey b-d girl, what’s the plan?

My body temperature rises. I can’t
believe Kale remembered my birthday.

Dinner w the fam.

Let’s hook up later.

I chew on my lower lip. Chloe’s
coming and I can’t just dog her after dinner. And I can’t take her to meet
Kale. There’s no way I can hang out with both of them at the same time.

Not sure if I can.

Text me later & let me know.

Sure.

Happy bd. Later.

I put the phone down on my bed.
Kale wants to meet up later. This is a disaster. I can’t bring Chloe along to
see Kale. And there’s no way I can tell Chloe that I’m leaving to meet Kale
without her being furious.

I examine my closet with renewed
intensity.

***

The doorbell rings at exactly 7:00.
Cody runs down the stairs before I have a chance to get to the door. I hear
Chloe and Cody talking. When I walk down the stairs I see Chloe in the doorway.
Her hair is lighter than the last time I saw her. A few streaks of blonde break
up the dark around her face.

But she can’t hide behind her
stick-like frame – her clothes are hanging off of her.

“Happy birthday!” she yells when
she looks up the steps. She’s got a gift bag in hand.

I meet her at the bottom of the
stairs and reach over to give her a hug. “Thanks for coming.”

“You look so cute – I love
your sweater. Is it new?”

“Yeah, Mom took me shopping at
Nordstrom for my birthday.”

Chloe looks admiringly at my
outfit. “Did your mom help you pick it out? She always has the best taste.”

Mom’s ears must be burning.
“Chloe!” She comes over for a hug. “It’s so nice to see you. It’s been awhile
since you’ve been to the house. I’m so glad you could make it tonight. It
wouldn’t be a party without Beckett’s best friend.” An uncomfortable silence
fills the room. “I’ve made reservations at Macaroni Grill for tonight. I know
how much Beckett likes their lasagna. Dad likes their Italian trio. We should
get going if we’re going to make it on time. Are you girls ready?”

“Yeah, Mom, should we go out to the
car?”

“Go, ahead. I’ll let your dad know
we’re ready to go.”

***

The lobby of the restaurant is
packed when we arrive. Families stand in the corner, crammed on sofas, holding
buzzers to let them know when it’s their turn. Mom made reservations. Mom
always thinks ahead.

A family gets up from a couch in
the waiting area when the hostess calls their name. Cody runs over to sit in
the vacated spot. Chloe and Mom follow. I take a seat on the opposite end of
the couch. Dad stands in the middle of the lobby by himself.

Ten minutes later the buzzer rings.
Cody jumps up off the couch and makes his way to the hostess. The rest of us
follow past the maze of families enjoying a Friday night dinner.

The waitress brings out a cup of
crayons. Like she’s serving a bunch of little kids. I wonder if we look like we
need to eat off the kid’s menu.

I hope not. It’s my first day as an
official adult.

The waitress is one of those cute,
peppy types. Probably attends college during the day and works at night. She
gives our table a big smile. Like my family and my best friend celebrating my
birthday at Macaroni Grill is the best-thing-ever.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

Dad jumps in with his order. “I’ll
have a glass of Merlot.”

Cody looks over at Mom. “Can I have
a Bellini?”

“He’ll have a non-alcoholic Bellini
and I’ll take one with the alcohol.” Mom smiles at the waitress. “How about you
girls? Do you want a Bellini without the alcohol?”

“I’ll have a coke,” Chloe orders.

“Same for me,” I say.

She walks away and the table sinks
into a strained silence. Dad pulls out his Blackberry. He smiles at a message
and his fingers fly over the keys. Mom’s eyes narrow from the other side of the
table.

But she doesn’t say anything. She
never does.

I pretend to examine the menu.

Cody is the first to break the
silence. “Chloe, I wish you would come over more. I thought you were going to
show me how to do some tricks on my skateboard.”

Chloe smiles across the table at my
kid brother. They’re like kindred spirits. It occurs to me I’m in the wrong
family. “Invite me over any time bud.”

“And you’ll show me how to do some
jumps?”

“Yeah, of course. We’ll go down to
the skate park.”

Cody looks at Mom. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, dear, if you wear your
helmet you can go skating any time.”

“Great! Maybe next weekend? I want
to get better before summer so I can hang out at the skate park more. There’s
nothing to do sitting around our boring old house.”

“You could do your chores,” Mom
interjects.

“Chores are boring.”

“That’s why we split them up so
everyone has a chance to chip in and it’s not just one person getting stuck
doing all the work.”

“I’ll do my chores if I can go to
the skate park.” Cody knows how to press the right buttons to get what he
wants.

“Sounds like a deal.” At least one
kid makes her happy.

The waitress returns with our
drinks and takes our orders. Dad goes back to his Blackberry once she’s gone.
Dad’s always on that thing and I’m pretty sure dad likes whoever is on the
other end of the Blackberry more than us.

“Cody, let’s go wash your hands.”
Mom stands up and Cody follows.

After they’re gone, Dad stands up
as well. “I need to make a call. If your mother returns before me tell her I’ll
be right back.”

“Sure Dad.”

Chloe watches him go. Once he’s
safely out the front doors she reaches into her handbag and pulls out a
miniature bottle of rum. “Happy birthday!” Before I can say anything she dumps
some into my Coke.

“Chloe! What are you doing?”

“Having a little celebration!
You’re eighteen! You get to be a grown-up now.”

“Yeah, but I can’t drink ‘til I’m
twenty-one.”

“Trust me, you can join the army
and go somewhere like Afghanistan now, I think it’s okay to spike a little rum
in your drink.”

“Yeah, but my parents will smell
it! My dad will be so pissed if he knows we’re drinking.”

“Don’t be a baby. Both of your
parents are drinking. They won’t be able to smell the alcohol. Hell, we’ll
probably have to call a cab after dinner.”

“My parents don’t drink that much
though. They never have more than one or two drinks.”

“Just relax, have some fun, it’s
your birthday!”

I spot movement out of the corner
of my eye; it’s mom and Cody returning to the table. Chloe shakes her head and
nods towards my drink. Mom glares at Dad’s empty seat.

“Where’s your father?”

“He stepped outside to make a
call.”

Mom puckers her mouth. Wrinkles try
to swallow her face. She glares at the front of the restaurant. I take a sip of
my spiked drink. Maybe a drink is exactly what I need.

“Well, I’ll guess we’ll all just
enjoy each other’s company until he makes it back to the table.”

I look over at Chloe. She already
needs a refill.

***

Dinner is nothing but polite
conversation. Strained. Distant. Dad steps back outside for a ‘call’ and Mom
follows him out the front door. The waitress refills our Cokes and Chloe brings
out another miniature bottle of rum. Cody colors unhappy faces on the
tablecloth.

My handbag vibrates. I excused
myself from the table and Chloe doesn’t follow. I walk into the restroom and
pull out my phone. It’s a text from Kale.

U done yet?

No.

How much longer?

Not sure. I’m with my parents
and Chloe.

Lose Chloe. Let’s meet up later.

K. I’ll text when I’m done.

I feel horrible. But it’s the only
way I can see Kale. And Chloe won’t want to hang out later anyway. Plus, it’s my birthday. I
should be able to do what I want. I put my phone back in my handbag and return
to the table.

Mom’s Bellini melts. No one is
speaking. The birthday celebration is officially over. We walk out to the car
in silence. Happy
birthday to me! Chloe stumbles a couple of times on the sidewalk,
but no one notices. Everyone has drifted away to their own little worlds.

When we get back to the house Dad
retreats to his room, Mom to the kitchen, and Cody to the game room to play his
Wii. Chloe follows me to my room.

“Want to open my gift?” She holds
out the purple gift bag she’s been holding all night. Purple is my favorite
color.

“Sure, thanks.” I sit on my bed and
open it. I pull the tissue paper wrapped object out of the bag and pull it
apart. Inside is a bracelet. One of those charm bracelets where you get to pick
the charms. It has three: the letter B, the letter C, and a small ballerina.
The ballerina is wearing pink tights and is doing a pirouette.

Chloe and I took ballet classes as
little girls until we both figured out there was no way we would ever dance as
Clara or even a Sugar Plum Fairy.

It’s the perfect gift.

I place it on my wrist and hold it
up to the light. The ballerina dangles from the bracelet.

“I love it!”

Chloe’s face lights up. “Really? I
wasn’t sure what to get you. I know how much you miss dancing. I saw the
ballerina and it reminded me of when we were little girls and we went to dance
together. You were always better than me. I never understood why you stopped.”

Water threatens to wash my eyes. I
don’t want to cry in front of Chloe. There are so many things I miss in my
life. Nothing is like I thought it would be. I can’t believe that I made it to
senior year and this is how everything turned out.

“Yeah…” I reach over and give her a
hug. Her body is like a sack of bones. I wonder if anybody has been feeding
her.

“Well, good.”

Awkward silence fills the room.
Gone are the days of gossip about boys and plans for the future. A river had
grown between us and it’s turning into a gulf.

A bracelet can only do so much.

The buzzing of my phone fills the
room and kills the moment.

“Probably just someone wishing me a
happy birthday. I better check who it is.” I walk towards my phone and Chloe
takes a seat on my bed.

Ready?

Not
quite. Almost.

We’re
at Court’s party. Come by after she leaves.

K!

“Yep, just my cousin Ian saying
happy birthday.”

Chloe nods her head. “So, want to
go out? Dave Jensen is having a party. Hannah and I are going to check it out
later.”

“I better not, I think Mom wants me
to stay here and hang with her and Dad since Dad’s hardly ever around.”

“Oh, are you sure? Should be some
cute guys there. Not sure if they’re your type though. You should come with.”

“Nah…”

Chloe stands up. “Well, I better
get going then. I’m glad we were able to get together. Thanks for inviting me
over.”

“Thanks for coming.”

She reaches over and gives me a
quick hug and leaves the room.

***

I lie to Mom and tell her I’m
leaving with Chloe. I walk outside with Chloe and don’t come back in the house.
I wait until she’s out of sight and then run to the bus stop for a ride down to
Bellevue. As long as I make it home before curfew Mom won’t know the
difference. It’s not like Chloe will call the house looking for me.

I ride the bus with my head against
the window, watching cars pass by. I wish I had a car. I wish I had a lot of
things.

Cars and trucks are lined up and
down Court’s drive when I walk to the front of his house. My stomach turns to
mush. This was a bad idea. I pull my hoodie tight around my head to block out
the chill. I want to slink into the party and fit into the crowd.

The front room is a sea of people.
Everyone is at the party. Everyone but Chloe and her group and the invisible
students I never see anywhere.

I spot the basketball team towards
the back of the room. Kale’s standing around a table with his buddies. They’re
all laughing.

He brushes his hair out of his face
and takes a drink from a red cup. I hate standing here, not knowing what to do.
Part of me wants to run. But I’m already here. I’m an outcast at North Lake. I
don’t think coming to a party filled with the crowd I’m no longer part of was
such a good idea.

I take a deep breath and start
towards Kale.

“Beckett! Happy birthday!” He comes
over and gives me a hug. His body is warm against mine, his breath like beer
hops. He holds on a few seconds longer than necessary.

“Thanks.” I peel myself away and
look around. A few curious stares come my way. Kale motions to a seat and I sit
down at the end of the table and try to make myself small.

“I’m so glad you came!” He squeezes
my shoulder. It’s a friendly squeeze. Like I’m a football player.

I scoot as close to him as I can
get and ignore everyone around us.

***

The party moves outside. We walk
out to the packed patio. The guys from the basketball team are so loud they
drown out the rest of the party. Today they won the big game and are having a big celebration.

No one notices I’m here. It’s easy
to hang out at a party when you’re invisible. Instead of being forced into dull
conversations or being tasked with entertaining an audience, I stick close to
Kale and watch the festivities. A basketball crony shoves a couple of beers at
us. We pop the caps and sit on the edge of a bench. I move closer to Kale and
our knees touch. We watch the party go on around us.

Kale gets up to join the guys from
the team and I don’t follow. It’s so awkward being at a party without Chloe.
Chloe’s always the more social one, the person everyone wants to talk to, the
person who always helped me fit in. Everyone’s having such a great time. I have
no idea where to start. I’m not the social one. I never was.

Kale goes back in the house,
leaving me on the patio. I want to leave. Coming was a bad idea.

A group of junior girls from the JV
squad huddle in the corner. One of them points into the kitchen of Court’s
house. Heads swivel that direction. 
My eyes follow to where everyone is pointing.

“What’s she doing here?” someone hisses from
behind me.

Chloe and Hannah walk through the
sliding glass door and out to the patio.

I freeze. My instinct is to run. My
feet are frozen. Chloe surveys the party as Hannah grabs a couple of beers. Our
eyes meet. I want a trap door to open up and swallow me.

I’m not so lucky.

And what is she doing here anyway?
I thought she was going to Dave Jensen’s. Who invited her to Court’s? It’s not
like she’s friends with anyone here. She’s not friends with anyone really.

She walks straight towards me.
“Hey.” Her eyes narrow – like she’s trying to see through me.

Why are friendships so hard?

“Hey, I thought you were going to
Dave Jensen’s?”

“We did but the cops busted the
party and everyone came here.” The color red creeps up her chest. “What are you doing here? I
thought you were hanging with your family tonight.”

I shrug. Chloe’s my friend, not my
mother. “Change of plans. I would have invited you but I knew you were going to
Dave’s.”

Hannah comes up behind her, hands
her a beer, and graces me with a suspicious look. “Hey, I didn’t know you were
going to be here,” she says.

“Yeah, me either,” Chloe agrees.
She won’t stop staring.

“Hey! Beckett! Come over here!”
It’s Kale, trying to get my attention.

Chloe crosses her arms in front of
her chest. “Why are you talking to him?”

“I don’t know. We’ve been talking
again.”

“Kale?” Her voice is incredulous.
Chloe doesn’t like Kale or anybody in his crowd. But it’s not her business
– not her business at all.

Kale walks our direction. “Hey.” He
doesn’t even look at Chloe. He grabs my hand and my ballerina bracelet clinks.
“Becks, come on over, we’re playing a game.”

I’m being pulled two directions.
I’m worried I’ll split down the middle.

“Okay,” I finally say. I did come
to be with Kale after all.

Hannah and Chloe walk back into the
house.

***

Court and the rest of the
basketball team are sitting at a table playing quarters. I have no desire to
play. I just want to go home and escape all the drama. Parties have been bad
for me for like a year now.

I take a seat next to Kale and the
quarter makes its way around the table. Chloe and Hannah are inside the house
drinking beers and talking to a couple of other party busters. Chloe’s laughing
like nothing happened. Like it’s no big deal we just got in a huge fight on my
birthday. Court follows my eyes.

“Chloe Baker is here?” He looks
around the table. His eyes are bloodshot and his speech is slurred. “Who
invited her?”

A couple of guys shrug. Beer pong
takes precedence over the guests.

Court turns to me. “Did you invite
her? She’s your friend. I don’t want her in my house. Go tell her and her
friends I want them to leave. I don’t want your big mouth friend getting us in
trouble.”

“She won’t get anyone in trouble.”

“Doesn’t matter, I don’t trust that
girl. And she’s your friend. Tell her it’s time to go adios.”

I can’t ask her to leave. But the
way Court is looking at me lets me know I don’t have a choice. “Fine, I’ll be
right back.”

I walk to the house like a tortoise
while I think up a way to tell Chloe she has to leave. What kind of friend
kicks the only person who came to her birthday party out? But I don’t have to
say it that way. It’s Court’s house. And it’s just a party. It’s not that big
of a deal.

***

Chloe and Hannah are standing off
in a corner talking. Hannah sees me first. She says something to Chloe and
Chloe waves at me as I approach.

This is going to be uncomfortable.

“Hey.” My tongue sputters against
my mouth as I search for the right words. “Court asked me to come in here and
talk to you for a minute.”

Chloe places her hand on her hip
and gives me a look I’m all too familiar with – it’s a look that tells me
she knows what’s coming. “What about?”

“He…” I suck in a deep breath. “You
know how things are Chloe. I didn’t know you were coming and…”

She glares over my
shoulder at Court and his friends. “What did he say, Beckett?”
“He wants you to leave. He asked me to come out and tell you that you have to
go.”

Her lip quivers and I look out to
where Kale and the guys are sitting. Court’s watching me from the patio.

“And you get to stay?”

I nod. “Yes. Kale invited me.”

“But why do you get to stay and I
have to leave?”

“I dunno, Chloe. It’s not my house.
But Court doesn’t want you here and he chose me to come out and tell you.”

“Then tell him to man up and come
in and tell me himself.”

“Don’t make this any more difficult
than it has to be.”

“I’m not leaving, Beckett. Everyone
from school is here. I don’t know why I’m the only person who can’t be here!”

“Chloe… Come on, you know why.”

Chloe takes a deep breath. Her face
turns bright red. “Tell him to come out and tell me himself. I’m not leaving
until he man ups and doesn’t send a messenger to do his dirty work.”

My mouth opens to say something
else, but nothing comes out. I put my head down and walk back to the group.

***

Court’s standing by the table with
his arms crossed when I return.

And he doesn’t look happy.

“Why’s she still here? You told her
to leave, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Then what gives? I don’t want that
slut here. I don’t want her getting her skanky crabs on the toilet seat.”

I want to reach over and punch
Court in the face. I clench my fist and my fingernails dig into my hand. But I
don’t want any drama. My grip loosens.

“She said she’s not leaving until
you go in and ask her to.”

“Oh, I won’t ask her, I’ll tell
her.” Court walks off with purpose. At the last minute I decide to follow.

Court’s stomping as he walks to the
house. He pushes open the sliding glass door and walks in. I hurry to catch up.
I’m standing directly behind him when he launches into a tirade.

“Look whore, I sent your little
buddy in here to send you home without it coming to this. You cost us making
the playoffs this year because of your titty pic. Now get the hell out of my
house before I get some of my homies together and throw you out.”

Chloe’s chest heaves up and down as
he speaks. Her eyes fill with water and after a few seconds she grabs her
handbag off the counter. “Fine, I’ll leave, but I don’t understand why everyone
at North Lake hates me so bad!”

“We missed state playoffs because
of your dirty pictures.”

“But I didn’t send them to
everyone. I don’t know how everyone in the school saw the photos.”

“You and your dyke friend here are
sick.”

“I’m not a dyke,” I whisper.

“Two girls together? That’s sick.”
No one moves. This is an obvious displeasure to Court. “I said get lost. Out of my
house. Adios. See you later.”

“Fine, I’ll go.”

She heads for the door and Hannah
follows. I’m frozen in place, not sure if I should follow Chloe or go back to
Kale. Chloe opens the door and walks out front. I look over and Kale’s waving
me back to the table.

I follow Chloe.

“Hey, Chloe! Wait up.”

But she keeps walking, moving towards
the end of the street to her car.

I run to catch up.

“Chloe!”

She spins around. Tears stream down
her face and she stares at me like she wants me to die. Hannah’s by her side,
unsure what to do. She shifts her weight from one leg to the other, waiting for
whatever’s coming next.

“Leave me alone!”

“I’m sorry, I told you he wanted
you to leave. It’s his house.”

“You’re defending him? Some friend you are.”

“I’m not defending him, I’m just
stating a fact.”

Chloe starts to sob. Tears drip
down her face and splatter to the sidewalk. She’s crying so loudly that she
blocks out the music from Court’s.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST
FRIEND!” she screams at me.

The scream stops the sobs. The only
sound is the music playing in the background.

“I am your friend, but Court didn’t
invite you. It has nothing to do with me.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Chloe! You know how things are!”

“You know, ever since last year
you’ve changed. We’re not as close as we used to be. Don’t worry about me: I’ll
be fine. Now I’m going to leave since I’m not welcome here.”

She walks off and Hannah follows,
leaving me standing alone on the sidewalk.

Chapter Nineteen

If things weren’t bad enough, the envelopes started coming
in the mail – thin envelopes, addressed to me, with official university
seals in the upper left corner. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s
inside. I catch Dad reading one of the rejection letters and decide I need to
start getting the mail.

There was a time when schools like
Columbia and Brown were logical choices for me. I was a top student at one of
the best public schools in the state. I was an honor’s student. I was a girl
that could memorize anything and write prose that could melt the hearts of even
the toughest teachers. I was the ballerina with a bright future. I was the
future captain of the cheerleaders.

Was.

Junior year I don’t know what
happened. Kale and I started hooking up. Beer started showing up at parties.
Mom got mad and instituted a curfew. I snuck out the window. Chloe got a car
and drove us to parties. Chloe only wanted to hang out with college guys and
didn’t care what they asked her to do. We got our pictures taken. The cops
threatened to throw Chloe and I in jail for disseminating child pornography…

With the beer and the parties went
my grades. And the rule was bad grades, no car. So now I don’t have a car and
thin little envelopes arrive in our mailbox daily from schools that were once
considered safety schools.

Every day the mailbox is stacked
with ten-inch envelopes from learning institutions that found smarter
applicants. Good girls who didn’t get sidetracked by alcohol and boys and have
dirty pictures taken with their friends.

I don’t even get a waitlist letter
from any of my top choices.

***

Wednesday I ride the bus home from
school. Mom’s car is parked in front of the house. I hate it when Mom beats me
home.

She’s sitting at the kitchen table
with a pile of mail. Her head rests between her hands. She looks like the world
finally beat her down.

All I want to do is open a Coke and
watch TIVO. Mom being home early can’t be good news.

“Hi.” I rummage through the fridge.

She sighs, holding up an envelope.
I’m not close enough to read the school’s name, but I can see the familiar blue
seal. A lump grows in my throat.

This – is – not –
good.

“You know, we moved into this
school district to get you a head start. Do you have any idea how much money we
have spent so you could go to a good university?” She shakes her head, her hand
gripping the letter. “Your dad is going to be so disappointed. You know that?
He’s been quiet so far because there really is only one school he has his heart
on you attending.” She runs her fingers through her hair. Her eyes water. “Your
father is going to be really upset when he sees this letter. I don’t know what
he’ll say. But I’m going to let you tell him. I don’t want any part of this.”

Mom gets up and hands me the
letter. The rejection is from Columbia: Dad’s alma mater.

“Mom, I… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything
Beckett. There’s nothing to
say.”

She walks out of the room, leaving
me alone in the kitchen with the evidence of my academic failure.

***

Columbia isn’t the only school that
rejects me on Wednesday. An envelope came from UCLA as well. I don’t bother
opening it. The envelope is thin. Nothing good ever comes in thin envelopes.

It turns out Cody’s sick, hence
Mom’s early return home. He’s in his room, passed out on his bed. Mom also
retreated to her room. Everyone’s avoiding me.

Or it’s to avoid the arrival of
Dad. I’m holding the piece of paper that made dance recitals and tutors
worthless. I’m the one who should be lying in bed sick.

A car pulls up in the driveway. I
take the letter and shove it behind a pillow in the couch. I want to run and
hide in my room.

I hear voices from the living room.
Quiet voices, muttering about the formalities of married life. I can’t make out
the words from my confines.

Footsteps make their way down the
hall. A bedroom door opens. I hear running water coming from the master bath.
For a moment I consider opening my bedroom window and leaving. Running away.
Not coming back. I envision myself as a poster child on a flyer at Wal Mart
– only I’m an adult now – and I doubt anyone would miss me.

Plus I have no money.

The running water stops and a
bedroom door opens. Only this time there’s no stomping. Dad has taken off his
work shoes.

“Dinner’s ready!” Mom announces
from the kitchen. I want to run away. If I could get out of my room without
being noticed, I would.

A few minutes later a louder voice
yells down the hall. This time it’s Dad. “Your mother’s made dinner. Get in
here before it gets cold.”

I walk into the kitchen and sit
down for a rare familial dinner with Dad at home. Nothing like a dinner with
the fam! Dad doesn’t know about my college application failure. Taking care of
me is Mom’s problem.

I walk into the kitchen and sit
down at the table. Mom brings dinner into a silent room.

But I know it won’t last.

Dad looks at me from across the
table. “So, Beckett, how’s the college search going? Do we need to make
arrangements to go out and visit some schools? I’d love to take a trip to New
York.”

It’s the moment I’ve been dreading.
Mom’s filling Dad’s plate and she stops like the earth stopped spinning on its
axis. It’s like she’s scared of the answer.

“I’m still thinking about it.”

Dad and I are face to face. It’s
the first time we’ve really looked at each other in ages. “You’re still
thinking about it? You don’t have much longer. We’re not talking about just
driving down the road. You’ll have to move. We need to know what we’re talking
about in tuition. There’s a lot to think over.”

Suddenly the wood pattern on the
table is interesting. I wonder where the tree came from. I wonder what it’s
like to give your life to sit in the middle of a family argument, or multiple
family arguments – to have gone from a living forest to the inside of a
dead house.

I bet it sucks.

“I know.” I get up, though I’m not
done eating. I need to escape this conversation. I need to escape this
conversation fast.

“Did you hear back from Columbia?”

It’s like a bolt of lightning hits
the table. My body goes numb. The tips of my fingers tingle. I haven’t thought
of a lie. It’s been so long since I spoke to Dad that I haven’t planned out the
conversation at all.

“Yes.”

Mom’s body tenses. She turns
around. I made a mistake. Maybe Mom would’ve covered for me. Even though she
said she wouldn’t I know she would have, but now it’s out in the open and I
can’t take it back.

“And?”

I don’t have time to prepare. It’s
time to just throw it out there and accept the consequences. “I wasn’t
accepted.”

The sound of air rushing into Dad’s
lungs is the only sound in the room. I bet if I held a bug under his nose, he’d
suck it right up – a human vacuum cleaner. It strikes me as funny.

But I’m too scared to laugh.

“When did you find out about this?”
Dad’s tone makes me want to run out of the room.

“Now, dear,” Mom says as she brings
a plate of food over for Dad, “you know how things have been for Beckett. She’s
doing her best. I’m sure she’ll get into a good school. New York is so far
away.”

Dad taps his fingers against the
table. The sound makes a dull thud,
thud, thud sound. I just want to remove myself from the house of
dysfunction.

“It’s you and that Baker girl. You
two aren’t a good match. It’s a good thing you’re not hanging out with her
anymore.”

“Dave!” Mom’s face reddens. She’s
insulted. My problems are a reflection on her. According to his train of
thought his absentee parenting does not affect me at all.

“Well, it’s true. All the trouble
that Beckett ever gets into has to do with Chloe. The girl is bad news. I’m
glad the two of you aren’t friends anymore.”

“That’s unnecessary Dave.”

“Well, it’s true. Beckett was on
the fast track to go to a top university and now I’m going to have to make a few
phone calls to the admissions committee to see about getting Beckett
reconsidered. I shouldn’t have to help you. Your grades should have been good
enough to be accepted without my help.”

“It’s a tough school to get into,
dear. Maybe we should consider having Beckett go to school here on the west
coast. There are so many lovely west coast schools. Then we can have her closer
to home. Plus, Beckett has never experienced an east coast winter. It will be
quite a shock to her system. She can go to school locally, focus on her
schooling, and apply to grad school on the east coast.”

Dad shakes his head. “The other
kids will have a better chance of getting into grad school. She needs to go to
a top university.” His attention turns back to me. “I can’t believe where
you’re at now. I’d like to say I’m sorry that you’re not hanging out with Chloe
anymore, but I can’t. I think it’s for the best the two of you have gone your
separate ways. You need to focus on your studies, I’ll place a call to the
alumni association and see if I can pull any favors. And from now on, if you
want any money, you’ll need to get a job. I’m not going to continue paying for
things for a girl your age who’s not upholding her end of the bargain.”

He stands up. Dad opens the door
and walks out to the garage. The garage door opens and the engine to his car
starts. He’s gone before anyone can say a word.

Chapter Twenty

After last period I wait by my locker. I haven’t seen Chloe
all week. I wonder if she’s even at school.

I pretend to be searching through
my books. And really, my locker is such a mess that it won’t hurt me to
reorganize it. Seconds tick by. They turn to minutes. The hallways empty out.
When I’m able to make out individual footsteps walking down the hall, I end the
charade. I close my locker and turn to leave the building. I already missed the
school bus. I need to hustle if I’m going to make the city bus.

She’s standing at the end of the
hallway, leaning against the corner of the wall, watching me. She’s wearing
black leggings and a black t-shirt. Now her hair’s even darker than when I saw
her last. It’s got an orange-ish tint like she tried too many boxes of color.
She looks like she hasn’t eaten in a week. Or washed her hair in two.

She looks like a homeless person
who got lost and wandered into school.

Butterflies try escaping from my
stomach through my throat.

How is it that someone you used to
tell your darkest secrets to could become such a stranger?

I wave to her. The hallways are
deserted, everyone’s rushed off to wherever they need to be.

“What are you still doing here?”

She gets closer and I can smell
her. It’s a weird mix of cigarette smoke and unwashed clothes. I think back to
the last time I was at her house and all the dirty laundry piled in every room.
One whiff of her and I know no one is doing laundry at the Baker household.

“I was cleaning out my locker.”

She lifts her wrist in an
exaggerated motion to look at her watch. “At 3:30? Why don’t you just go home?
Aren’t you going to miss the bus?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I already missed
it. I’ll have to walk downtown and catch the city bus.”

She starts for her locker and I
follow her. “I can give you a ride home if you want.”

There’s no one around. I can get a
ride home with Chloe and no one even has to know. My parents won’t be home.
It’s the perfect solution. “Okay, great, I’d love a ride home.”

“Okay, let me get my stuff and
we’ll leave.”

***

I follow Chloe to her car. Her new
spot is off to the back where the students who are perpetually late or absent
park. It’s a different world from where we parked last year.

The car has deep scratches in her
once shiny red paint. “What happened?”

“Someone keyed my car.”

I open the passenger door. Taco
Bell wrappers and empty cigarette boxes litter the seat. The car smells like an
ashtray and stale food.

“You can just throw that stuff in
back.”

“Okay.” I grab a handful of trash
and my hand touches something soft, mushy, and cold. I feel sick. Maybe I
should have taken the bus.

Chloe fiddles with the radio as she
drives out to the main street. I watch cars pass by, happy families on their
way to sports practices, men and women on their way home from work. Everyone
looks so much happier than us. Our lives exist on a different plane of
existence.

I break the silence. “So, how’ve
you been?”

Chloe keeps her eyes on the road.
It’s like I’m an invisible voice. “What do you mean? Everything sucks. Is that
why you were waiting for me after school? You wanted to check on me? What am I, like a little kid or something?”

I shake my head. Chloe thinks I
like how my life is now? She’s not the only one who’s been cast out. “No, it’s
just been awhile since I’ve seen you. I thought we should catch up.”

She laughs. It’s not a funny laugh.
It’s more like the laugh you use when you want to build a shell around your
outsides. “Okay, so let’s catch up. How are things going for you Beckett?”

Her voice drips with sarcasm, but
there’s something else in the tone – a vulnerability tinged with hurt. I
decide to act push down the wall. “Not so great. Dad’s not speaking to me
because I didn’t get into Columbia. Mom hates it when there’s tension in the
house. I’ve been hanging out in my room most the time. I can’t wait to go away
for college next year. I’d pretty much do anything to get out of the house.”

“So I bet your dad blames
everything on me.” She doesn’t take her eyes off the road as she speaks. It’s
like it’s too painful to look at me.

“What? You mean about the whole
Columbia thing? No, he definitely blames me, with a little touch of my mom in
there for good measure. He thinks Mom hasn’t been doing a good enough job
supervising me. He thinks Mom can force good grades on me. I guess that worked
for part of my life.”

“I bet he partly blames me. Your
mom’s the best – I wish I had a mom like yours.”

I squeeze my hands together and my
fingers get all tingly. My house gets closer. I want to ask what happened to
our relationship. Chloe and I used to do everything together. Now, in the car,
we’re like strangers.

“Well, you know how my dad is: he’d
blame the Pope for a flood if we had one.”

Chloe takes a right onto our street
and starts to slow as we approach my house. The driveway is empty. I made it
home with Chloe undetected. Throw up the confetti and have a party – it’s
the only thing I have to celebrate.

She nods her head. I want to ask
her how she’s doing. How things are going since her parent’s divorce. I have a
million things I could say, but my tongue’s stuck. I don’t know how it is my
former best friend has become a complete stranger.

She pulls in front of my house and
stops. Her eyes are glued to the road, like she’s scared to look at my house.
Maybe she’s worried my dad will come outside. I hesitate. There’s a gulf
between the two of us. I grab the passenger door handle and open the door.

“Thanks for the ride.” I swing one
leg out of the car. A thousand words run through my mind, but nothing comes
out.

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll see you
around.”

“Yep, I’ll see you around.”

I get out of the car and walk into
the house.

Chapter Twenty-One

Dad’s away on some work thingy. I pretend not to notice that
he’s never around, or that when he is home he’s sleeping on the fold-out couch
in the office. It’s a relief he’s away. But I’m still not coming out of my
room. And I don’t have to; I have everything I need between these four walls.

My books are in a pile on the
floor. They should be covered in dust. Thick dust like they’ve been
abandoned.

My grades are atrocious. The kind
of grades that won’t get me into Columbia and that won’t get me into the
University of Washington either. The only schools that have accepted me are
Washington State University and Arizona State University. Two schools I only
applied to because I feared what was coming.

Hello, Cougars.

Or maybe the Sun Devils are better.
You can’t just hop in a car and drive to Phoenix. Maybe that would mean less
familial visits.

I look good in maroon, I guess.

Dad will die when he finds out I
have to go to a party school – a school that specializes in agricultural
sciences, or one that specializes in suntans. His head will probably explode.

Yeah – ASU is probably
better.

I start looking through my books.
The text is totally unfamiliar even though I already finished these classes.

Senior year has been a spiral below
sea level.

Sophomore year I got As. Then
towards the end of the year a few Bs were sprinkled in. Fall quarter junior
year I got a C. By winter quarter the C’s were more frequent. Obviously getting
rejected by Columbia wasn’t a surprise. The booze became a regular after school
activity. Chloe started sneaking vodka out of her parent’s house. She got her
driver’s license.

It was fun.

For a while, at least.

But it wasn’t good for my
scholastic record.

There’s a soft knock on my door. It
can only be one of two people and I know which person I prefer.

“Yeah?”

“Dear, you have the door locked.
Can I come in?” It’s Mom. Wrong person.

“Uh, sure…” I get up and unlock the
door. Mom peers in like she’s afraid of what she will see. Like I’m hiding
something. But the only thing I’m hiding is myself.

“What are you doing in here?” She
looks lost.

“Studying.”

“Really?” She examines the pile of
books stacked on the floor like they’re a science project.

“Yeah, I need to get my grades back
up. Just in case, you know… Not that it matters, I guess.”

Mom’s face sinks. It’s a look I’ve
seen before. I’m Mom’s perpetual disappointment – her hugest failure in
life. I’m the reason her marriage is falling apart, the reason she hasn’t
pursued a career and is staring at the wrong side of fifty with no job
experience, and the person who is supposed to be everything she ever wanted in
life but couldn’t achieve: she’s a mom and I’m supposed to be something more.
The person in a generation with more opportunities and an easier road paved by
women before me – I’m mom’s second chance.

And I failed her.

She sits on my bed and looks around
my room. She looks like Alice
in Wonderland when she first fell down the rabbit hole.

She points to the posters on my
wall. “I don’t recognize any of those bands.”

“Modest Mouse and Foo Fighers: I
doubt you’d like them.”

She picks up my iPod and examines
the display. She touches the dial and moves her finger. “I don’t even know how
to use this thing. I see kids walking around with these all the time. I don’t
even know how to turn one on.”

“It’s not that hard, I can show you
if you want.”

Mom puts the iPod back down on my
nightstand. I wonder why she braved an entrance into my room.

“No, that’s okay. I’ve made it
through this far in life without knowledge of how to use your Walkman. I don’t
need to learn now I’d imagine.”

“iPod, Mom.”

“Oh, whatever.”
I get up and sit next to her on my bed. It’s been a long time since we’ve been
like this; like a mother and daughter.

For a moment there’s silence. Then
she breaks it. “How’s Chloe?”

“Fine, I guess…”

“Do you talk to her anymore?”

“Not really.”

“That’s too bad. It’s a shame to
lose a good friend. Good friends are rare in this world. You two were connected
at the hip from when you first met.”

“People change.”

“She’s a nice girl, Beckett. She’s
just having a rough time. A true show of character is how someone acts in the
rough times. When times get hard it’s a real friend that stays in for the long
haul.”

“That’s not what Dad thinks.”

“Your dad doesn’t understand
friendships between women. Dad understands money and status. He does his best
Beckett, but you don’t need to take relationship advice from him.”

“He’s pretty mad about school,
isn’t he?”

She stares at the floor. I follow
her gaze. There’s nothing to see but crumbs and dirt. It’s been a long time
since I vacuumed my room.

“He’ll get over it. Just give him
some time.”

I nod my head. More to appease Mom
than to agree with anything she just said.

“You should clean your room. Get
the books up on the bookshelf and vacuum the floor. I’ll get the vacuum cleaner
if you want.”

I look around. Mom’s right. A good
cleaning is exactly what it needs.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chloe tells me that I try too hard to get Kale’s attention.
She says I’m too obvious. That’s what she said: that I’m too obvious. Like I’m the one
desperate for the attention of the opposite sex.

But the days are ticking away.
Graduation is getting closer and every school in the Pac-10 is recruiting Kale.

The guy who crushed my heart is
slipping away into his future. He flirts with me, but it never goes farther: he
likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not… It’s like he knows he
has my attention and that’s all he wants. My attention – to feel like the
center of the universe – but there aren’t any benefits to giving someone
my attention. I want attention back.

Toby Martin is having a party. Toby
is one of Kale’s best friends. And I know Kale will be there and that’s all I
really want.

I sit in my room twisting my hair
around a hot curling iron. One section of hair, wrap around the iron, hold,
repeat. I let the ringlets fall and watch my straight hair turn into a mess of
curls. I spray them with hairspray to hold them in place. Chloe used to help me
get ready for parties. Chloe was my wing girl. She saved me from going to these
kinds of things by myself. Now I’m on my own. Well, at least Jennie and Emma
will be at the party.

After I have a head full of curls I
examine my closet. I want Kale to look at me and not look away.

Chloe is better at this stuff than
me. Chloe knows how to get a guy’s attention. I’m lost in a room full of my own
clothes.

I tiptoe into the bathroom to avoid
Mom’s curious stares. Stares come with questions. Saturday nights come with
questions. I hate questions. I don’t want to answer any more questions. I can’t
wait to go away to college so I can be free from quiz city.

My make-up bag sits in a worn out
tote under the sink. I pull it out and sort through the contents. Beige eye
shadow, beige foundation, beige lip gloss… I blend in with the wall.

I brush beige shadow over my lid. I
find an old tube of pink gloss that reminds me of freshman year. Of shopping at
Rite Aid with Chloe after she got a job babysitting her neighbor. She bought me
the gloss because my parents wouldn’t. I wonder if it’s even still good.

I wipe it across my lips. I’m sure
I’ll have a rash on my mouth by the time I return home.

But at least I no longer look like
a wall, which is something.

I try to sneak out the door. I have
no desire to talk about my social life with Mom. I tiptoe towards the door.

But I’m out of luck – she’s
waiting for me in the foyer.

“Be home by midnight,” is the first
thing from her mouth.

“Midnight, really? Everyone’s
allowed to stay out late now. Pretty soon I’ll be old enough that I won’t need
your permission.”

“One day, yes, but that’s not
tonight. You need to be home by midnight. I don’t want to wait up all night for
you. Hence the curfew.”

“Really?”

She crosses her arms and gives me
one or her looks. “Yes, really, I don’t want to spend the whole night worrying
about you.”

“Okay, Mom, midnight it is.”

I open the door and walk out.

***

Toby is a friend of Jennie’s. She
mentioned the party over lunch and since I know Kale will show up I jumped at
the chance. But as I drive past the cars lined up on the road in front of his
house, I begin to have my doubts.

I circle the block. Groups of
friends walk into Toby’s. I think back to Court’s party. Chloe won’t show up at
Toby’s. Not after Court’s. After that disaster, Chloe’s been pretty invisible.

I park at the end of the road and
sit in the car. School is almost over and everyone will be moving on to their
next life. Time’s running out for Kale and I. Rumor is he’s choosing between
USC and UCLA. I won’t be in California. It’s either Pullman or Phoenix for me.

I’m stuck in my car in front of
Toby’s house. I can’t believe I’m here by myself. I’m sure I’m the only person
here alone. I grab my phone and dial Jennie’s number. The phone rings and no
one answers. Two guys walk past the car. One looks in the window and starts
laughing. I rest my head against the steering wheel and close my eyes.

A few minutes later I try again.
Still no answer. I send a text.

Hey
– u inside?

I wait. No response. More bodies
walk past the car. Tiffany and Lexi stroll past. I want to go home.

I send another text to Jen.

I’m
outside, how’s the party?

A few minutes later my phone
buzzes.

Gr8t!
Get in here! Kale’s inside.

Kale’s inside and suddenly this is
a bad idea. If he wanted me to be here he would’ve invited me. But he didn’t
and now I’m on my own.

I get out of the car and follow a
couple of juniors into the party.

***

The house is filled with my
classmates from North Lake and college kids that could never let go of their
high school years. Girls who have been shunning me all year avoid my presence.
I can’t find Jen. In a panic I search for the restroom – the perfect
place to hide. My eyes search for the square-shaped room so I can hide. There’s
no place to go. So I look for Jen or Kale.

I’m invisible in a room with all my
former friends.

The room’s so dark and smoky I can
barely see. Strobe lights flash in a circle, and combined with the smoke, I
feel dizzy. I shake my head, trying to make the feeling go away.

I lean against the wall and blend
into the scene. I spot Kale in the middle of the baseball team. He doesn’t see
me. A kid wearing baggy jeans and one of those nostalgic t-shirts that says Pearl
Jam across the front offers me a cigarette
for a buck. I shake my head.

The room is so dark. I have no idea
where to go.

My cousin Ian walks by, holding a bag shaped like a bottle.
He stops in his tracks when he spots me leaning against the wall.

Even my lame sophomore cousin was
invited to the party.

“What are you doing here?”

I shrug. “End of senior year party.
What are you
doing here?”

“Everybody’s here.” He waves his
arm around the room. It seems like everyone is
squeezed into Toby’s house. “Want a drink?”

A drink is exactly what I need
– something to calm the nerves. “Sure.”

“I’ll be right back.” He disappears
into the crowd.

After he’s gone I go back to
scanning the room for Jen. Kale’s still in the back corner, holding court with
his friend.

I send Jen another text.

I’m
inside, where r u?

On
the patio! Come out here!

I’ll
be right out.

Ian appears in front of me with a
Mike’s Hard Lemonade. “Here you go; this was all they had left other than beer.
I didn’t think you’d want a Blue Ribbon.” Ian pops the cap and hands me the
bottle.

I take a sip. The alcohol burns my
throat on the way down.

One of Ian’s Trekkie friends sneaks
up behind him. He reach down and pulled up the back of his pants, giving him a
wedgie. Ian screams and spills his drink on my shoes.

“Hey man.” The Trekkiee shoots me a
suspicious look. “Follow me.” He leans over and whispers something in Ian’s
ear.

Ian nods his head. “Catch you
later, Becks. Have fun.” And then he disappears into the crowd.

***

I need to find Jen. I squeeze
through the crowd and I’m close when a familiar figure appears in front of me.

Kale.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were
coming. I didn’t see you here.” He looks down at me and I can’t tell if he’s
glad to see me or not.

I shrug my shoulders. “Well, you
see me now.”

“What are you drinking?” He nods at
the half empty bottle in my hand.

I turn the bottle around so the
label is facing him. I wish I had more than half a bottle.

“Sissy drink,” he laughs.

“Having a good time?” I tilt my
head and smile. My mind thinks through all of possibilities for the night. It’s
my last chance with Kale. I’m sure of it.

“Yeah.” He looks over his shoulder,
back at his friends. He reaches over and touches my shoulder. “Hey, I need to
get back over there. Have a good time.”

I watch him walk away.

***

Jen and Emma are out on the patio
sitting with the cheer squad. The girls I used to hang with – my former
friends. Jen waves when she sees me.

“What took you so long?”

I shrug – Kale’s my secret.

“Come sit down. We’re talking about
where everyone is going to college next year.”
I make myself invisible in the group. From my vantage point I can see the
baseball players through the window. They’re holding red cups and laughing. I
listen to the drone of colleges and sororities in the background and sip my
drink.

Someone cranks the music. Bodies
jump and swirl around the pool. Figures blur to the sound. The bass thumps
against my skin. My pathetic existence doesn’t give me much to talk about.
There’s nothing exciting about my college prospects.

Ten minutes later Kale disappears
from the window and my drink is empty. A second drink is a good excuse to bump
into Kale.

I stand up. “I’m going in for
another drink, do you want anything?” I ask Jen.

“Yeah, bring me one of whatever
you’re having.”

I push my way through the crowd and
the dancers, back into Toby’s house. I scan the room for Kale, but he’s nowhere
to be seen.

The room’s a blur of bodies and
fermented hops and smoke. Everyone’s in their own place, hoping to find
acceptance.

I head down the hallway, away from
the blaring music, towards whereever Ian retrieved my drink. The dark hall is
filled with shadows and I spot a familiar body at the end.

I squint against the dark and the
room blurs and spins around me. And then I want to disappear. It’s Kale kissing
a junior from the JV cheer squad. His hand rests in her hair and their mouths
are locked together. He doesn’t see me.

I feel sick. It’s the feeling you
get when you know that everything you thought you knew was really something
else.

He grabs her hand and pulls her
back towards one of the bedrooms.

I turn and run.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I want to drive away, but I have nowhere to go – other
than home – and home is the last place I want to be.

There are no tears. There’s
nothing. I have nothing left. Everything from this year, every friendship I
had, my whole family… it’s just too hard. The only thing left to do is make it
to the end of senior year and then escape away to college as far away as I can
get.

I put the key in the ignition and
my phone beeps. I don’t want to talk to Kale. I never want to talk to Kale
again.

But it’s not Kale.

My illuminated display says it’s
Chloe.

I’m
down at SB. What r u doing? Want to join me?

What?

It takes me a minute. Just a minute
though: there’s only one thing Chloe is interested in these days.

Aurora
Bridge. I’m sitting on the bridge. Come down here. It’s a beautiful night.

I look at my watch. I still have
over an hour before I have to be home.

Fine.

I turn the key in the ignition and
drive away.

***

I’m not sure what Chloe considers a
beautiful night. I drive up the bridge and spot her VW parked in a business
parking lot. The moon’s trying to break through the clouds, but the drops of
rains chase it away. There’s a figure sitting on the bridge. I know it’s Chloe
before I get out of the car.

The night grows darker by the
second and the clouds thicken. Lights from the space needle sparkle in the
distance. The city sparkles in the dark. There’s an entire world of people out
there who are warm inside their homes – happy little families without a
problem in the world.

The bridge is empty. It’s just us.

“Hey.” Chloe looks up and notices
me for the first time. “It’s freezing out here. Are you trying to catch
pneumonia?”

“Oh, hey…” Her eyes are a million
miles away. “It’s cold out here? I didn’t notice. I’ve been sitting out here
too long I guess.” She has drops of rain on her nose and her hoodie is soaking
wet. She looks like she has been sitting outside all night.

I join her on the sidewalk. Already
the rain soaks through my jeans. Goosebumps rise against the fabric on my
clothes. It’s freezing. I have no idea why we’re sitting outside like this. But
it seems appropriate all the same.

“How long have you been out here?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, an hour,
two maybe…”

“Why?”

“Just curious… I guess. I don’t
know. Do I need a reason? I don’t have anything better to do. It’s not like I’m
the most popular person at North Lake right now.”

I cross my arms over my chest. My
teeth rattle. Cars pass by. In the light I notice how skinny Chloe is now. Her
legs are like sticks.

“His name was Ryan.”

“Huh?” Another car passes by. Chloe
leans over and looks over the bridge. It’s a long way down.

“The guy from South Shore who
jumped. His name was Ryan Martin. I guess his girlfriend started to date some
dude from the football team and he got a D in Biology. I saw a picture of him
in the yearbook. He had an unfortunate nose.”

I nod my head and look down. It’s a
really long way. Getting a D in Biology doesn’t seem like a reason to crash
against cement.

“It’s not that bad, really.
Breaking up with your girlfriend. A lot of things are worse.”

The cold is winning. My body starts
to shake. “That’s true.”

“Would you ever jump?” Chloe looks
through me.

“No, I would never jump. Never,
never, ever. It’s crazy.”

“I would, if I had to go… I think
it would be the easiest way to go.”

Silence falls over us and the only
sound left is the sound of cars passing by. In the distance I can see lights
sparkling from houseboats. As the night wears on the lights go out. The traffic
thins. I shiver in my damp clothes.

But I’m afraid to leave. Afraid
Chloe might tumble over the edge.

“Ah… You again!”

I jump. The voice is scraggly and
weathered. I look up at the familiar figure pushing his shopping cart. His one
good eye examines Chloe and I. He’s carrying that metal car in his hand. Like
it’s his favorite toy.

“Don’t you girls have anything
better to do on a Saturday night?” he growls at us. “Especially you.” His eyes
fix on Chloe. “You spend enough time in this God forsaken place.”

“I can hang out wherever I want,”
Chloe barks at him. Her skin’s all red though. Even in the faint glow from the
traffic lights I can tell how red her face is.

“I don’t know why anyone who has a
better place to hang out would want to be out here at night. It’s too cold if
you’re not used to it.” He leans against the shopping cart and closes his eyes.
For a minute I think he’s asleep.

“Why are you out here?” Chloe asks. “You could
be inside. They have places, you know.”

His one good eye opens and stares.
“You ever been to one of those places, girl? I bet you haven’t. That’s why you
can come out to a place like this and think it’s all cool and exotic. Because you
don’t have to
be here… If you had to be here you’d do anything to avoid it. A place like this
isn’t a place for young girls who could be anywhere else. It really isn’t.”

“You don’t know anything about me,”
Chloe mutters. “If you did, then you would know this is the exact place I
should be.”

“Girl, it’s not. Nothing is that
bad. Not even for me it’s not.” He starts pushing the shopping cart down the
bridge. He has a limp. He disappears in the distance.

Flashing lights come up the bridge.
I look over my shoulder in time to see a police car coming our way. It pulls
over next to us and I stand up. I’m a dripping Popsicle.

“Ladies, can I help you with
something?”

Chloe stands up with a fake smile
covering her face. “No,” she says. If I’m a dripping popsicle then she’s a
melting iceberg. It’s obvious we overstayed our welcome.

“Can I give you girls a ride
somewhere? Call you a cab?” He shines his flashlight in our face. I squint
against the light.

“No, we’re heading home.”

“Okay, you girls have a good night
then.”

I think he’s going to get in his
car and leave. But he doesn’t. Instead he waits for us to leave. When it’s
obvious we don’t have a choice Chloe heads towards her car and I follow behind.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Sun peeks between the blinds, making stripes against my
bedroom wall. The stripes run the length of the wall opposite the windows. It
reminds me of a prison.

I hear voices coming from the
kitchen – Mom, Dad, and Cody. I’m not coming out of my room until Dad
leaves for ‘the office’ or wherever he goes on Saturday without us.

Not that I’m saying anything.

I can’t believe I saw Kale kiss
another girl. I place my hand over my eyes to block out the thoughts. I was
such a fool to think the two of us could get back together.

And the thing with Chloe and the
bridge is really
freaking me out. It’s not healthy to drive out to the bridge alone and spend
the night in the dripping rain.

My phone buzzes. I close my eyes. I
want to disappear. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave around and then
– ‘poof’ – senior year would be over. I’m so ready to go away to go
away to school – as far away from home and my life as I can get.

ASU is looking like a front-runner.

A good fifteen hundred miles might
be the answer to my problems.

My phone buzzes again. This time I
pick it up off the nightstand.

It’s a text from Chloe.

Hey! What r u doing 2day?

I don’t know what to say. I don’t
want to go back to the bridge. It’s the only thing Chloe wants to talk about
anymore.

Hiding in my room from my dad.

Oh. Trouble?

Same old.

Want to get lunch?

Lunch is better than the bridge
– it doesn’t involve death or awful weather. And it doesn’t involve my
family. And it’s good to hear from Chloe. That there’s a sliver of possibility
our friendship will go back the way it was.

Or maybe she only wants to hang out
with me because I know her secret.

Sure. Where?

How bout Rock Bottom @ 12:30?

K, I’ll meet you there.

See you!

I place the phone back on my
nightstand. I need to take the bus to meet her; I don’t want her picking me up.
I don’t want to take the chance.

***

The bus is mostly empty on Saturday
morning. I sit by the window watching cars race by. From my spot above traffic
I can see inside the vehicles below. The bus passes families in SUVs; dads
drive, moms in the passenger seats, kids in the back wearing whatever uniform
is for that day’s game. Cheerleaders, baseball players, soccer players… Lots of
happy-little-families with their heir apparent sports prodigies – a world
that is a lifetime away from me. A woman sits a couple of seats in front of me.
An odor drifts behind her. A guy sitting across from her on the aisle gets up
and moves to the back of the bus. He’s about my age, wearing a sweatshirt, lost
in the world of his iPod. He doesn’t look at me when he passes. I lean my head
against the window and watch the world go by.

I can’t escape the rain. I step off
the bus and walk to Rock Bottom. A man holds a sign that says: ‘Clean and
Sober. Need money for food, not booze.’ He doesn’t look up at the people who
pass by. I reached in my pocket and pull out a dollar. I drop it in his hat and
he doesn’t say anything as I walk away.

Raindrops fall from the sky. It’s
raining just hard enough to frizz my hair. I pull the hood from my coat over my
head.

Chloe’s waiting in the lobby when I
arrive. She’s on a bench, pushing back her cuticles, not looking at anyone
around her. I see her before she sees me. She takes a break from her personal
grooming to look at her watch. She’s wearing black jeans with tall boots. She
has new highlights. I’m sure they’re supposed to be blonde but they have turned
orange in her over-processed hair. I stand in the lobby, unable to move
forward. It’s so weird being nervous around the one person who I used to call
my best friend. She pulls out her phone and looks at the display.

I walk into the lobby. She stands
when she sees me, her face awash in relief. “Hey! For a minute I thought I was
being stood up.” She walks over to where I’m standing. We don’t hug.

“Sorry, I took the bus. I’m
grounded from Mom’s car.”

“Oh, why?”

I shrug. “My grades… Life…
Everything. I’m a disappointment to my father.”

“Your dad is hard to please. I
wouldn’t get all bent out of shape over it.”

A peppy hostess comes over and
breaks up our conversation. “Table for two?” She has a couple of menus in her
hand. She doesn’t realize she’s interrupted anything.

Chloe nods. “Yes please.”

“Great, follow me.”

We walk up the ramp to a booth by
the window. Miss Peppy put the two menus on the table and walks away. I think
back to the last time Chloe and I were here together. That was before a gulf
that not even Moses could cross grew between the two of us.

Chloe examines the menu across from
me. Neither of us speaks. I look around the restaurant at families enjoying an
afternoon lunch, college guys watching the football game, a couple of older men
sitting at the bar. The rest of the world looks so normal.

Chloe places the menu down on the
table. “I’m going to order a drink.”

I look around the restaurant.
Everyone’s having such a great time, I have no desire to ruin it, or spend the
afternoon in jail. I’m in enough trouble. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Ah… Don’t be a baby. I ordered one
the last time I was here with my cousin’s ID and nothing happened. I’m sure
they don’t care. Alcohol is what keeps their profits up.”

I glance around and lower my voice.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean nothing’s going to happen now. Plus, your hair is darker now. You really don’t
look much like your cousin anymore.”

We look up and the waitress is
standing over our table. She looks older, like thirty, without a sense of
humor. Something that appears lost on Chloe. “Hi ladies, I’m Sarah, and I’ll be
taking care of you today. What can I start you out with?”

“I’ll take a diet coke and an order
of nachos,” I offer.

“The nachos are great here.” She
turns to Chloe. “And what can I get you?”

“I’ll take a bacon cheeseburger and
a rum and coke.”

Sarah hesitates. Her brow wrinkles
and now she looks forty. Forty’s old enough to tell we’re still in high school.
“Um… Okay, can I see some ID?”

Chloe hands the ID confidently
across the table. Sarah examines the ID and Chloe. “I’ll be right back,” and
then she walks away with Chloe’s ID.

“Oh shit.” Chloe’s confident face
turns to panic. “Where’s she going?”

My heart races against my chest. This
is all I need. Dad will ground me for the rest of my life. “I told you not to
order a drink!” I grab my handbag to get up. My Coach handbag that Mom bought
me for Christmas because I had “…been a good girl.” I probably should have
given it back to Mom.

Leaving now is our only chance.

Chloe’s face fills with panic
across the table. “Just wait for her to come back. Maybe she just went to get
our drinks.”

I half sit and half stand. My body
can’t decide which direction it wants to go. I want to run. Maybe Dad’s right.
Hanging out with Chloe is nothing but bad news. Nothing ever ends well with
Chloe.

“Sit back down, she’s coming back.”

I sit down. Sarah returns with two
drinks and Chloe’s ID. “Here you ladies go. I’ll be back with your food in a
bit.” She places our drinks down, returns Chloe’s ID and then turns to walks
away.

“See? It was nothing. She just went
back to get our drinks. You worry about everything. You should relax and have a
good time. You’re always so uptight.”

My stomach twists in knots. I sip
my diet coke.

The couple behind us get their
food. They came into the restaurant after us. The man has a heaping plate of
pasta. All we ordered were nachos and a burger.

I look at my watch. “I wonder
what’s taking so long?”

Chloe shakes her head without
looking up from the table. This isn’t good. It can’t be good at all.

My stomach growls and I rest my
head on my hand. Restaurant patrons turn their attention towards the restaurant
lobby. I follow where they’re looking – a policeman has walked in. He speaks
to the hostess. My heart jumps into my throat. I can’t believe what’s
happening. I should have stayed home.

My last hope the police officer is
hungry is squashed when the hostess points to where we’re sitting.

We’re totally screwed.

Sarah walks over to the cop. They
speak for a few minutes and then the cop walks over to our table with Sarah by
his side.

It’s then that I notice the words
‘General Manager’ on Sarah’s name badge.

“Oh my God…” I whisper under my
breath.

“What?” Chloe looks over her shoulder.
Her white skin grows whiter. She disappears into the wall. “Oh… Don’t say
anything, okay?”

The cop stands above our table. His
height hovers over where we’re sitting. My chest tightens.

“Ladies, having a nice afternoon?”

Chloe doesn’t say anything. The
cat’s got her tongue. I imagine it ripping out the pink flesh of her mouth with
its claws. I want to run to wherever the cat is going off to.

“Yes.” It’s all I can come up with.

“What are you having to drink?”

“Diet soda,” I answer.

Chloe doesn’t respond.

“Miss,” the cop’s attention is on
Chloe, “what do you have there?”

Chloe looks at Sarah and back at
the cop. She’s a rat stuck in a maze. There’s no way out. “Rum and Coke.”

“Yep, and do you have an ID to show
your drinking age?”

Chloe opens her handbag and hands
the cop Kendra’s ID. “Thank you, Kendra.” He examines the ID. “What is your
date of birth?”

Chloe pauses a second too long,
making it obvious she’s searching for the answer. “June 2, 1988.”

“Okay, and what street do you live
on?”

Sweat drips from Chloe’s brow,
landing in her coveted drink. She’s panicking and everyone in the room is
getting a free show. “Uh… 23… No, 22… Um… 2142 North County Road?”

“Miss, you do realize it is illegal
to provide a police officer false identification, don’t you?”

The cat has definitely run away
with Chloe’s tongue.

“Miss?”

“Yes?”

“Are you breaking any laws here?”

“No.”

“Are you Kendra Baker?”

“Yes.”

Her hand shakes.

“You can’t lie to me, Miss, I’m a
uniformed police officer. You have to tell the truth.”

Chloe looks at me. Her eyes search
for an answer. She’s desperate. Like I’m somehow going to save her, when all I
wish is that I stayed home.

I shake my head.

“No.”

“Can I see some ID?”

Chloe shuffles through her wallet.
She pulls out her driver’s license.

“Chloe Baker, it looks like you’re
seventeen years old. That would make you a minor in possession of alcohol.
We’ll have to take you down to the station and call your parents.” The officer
looks at me. “Your friend will have to come down to the station as well.”

Chloe stands up and I grab my
handbag. I don’t know how it came to pass that having Chloe as my best friend
filled my life with so much trouble.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Once I’m at the police station I’m allowed to call home. Dad
answers the phone. I’d almost rather stay in jail. Scratch the almost. I wish I
were the one being ticketed for underage drinking. Life would be much easier
here in prison. I’m 100% sure of that fact.

I wish the stupid cop just let me
take the bus home.

I wait in the lobby for Dad to pick
me up while they take pictures and fingerprint Chloe. I overhear Chloe call her
mom. They keep Chloe in a separate room. She’s in more trouble than me. I’m not
in trouble at all. I wasn’t drinking.

At least with the cops I’m not.

They don’t realize that bringing me
down here and making me call my dad is worse than a prison sentence.

Chloe’s mom arrives first. She
walks into the lobby. I make myself small on the bench. It’s been a long time
since I’ve seen Mrs. Baker. Her face is tear-stained. Her eyes are big and wide
and her pupils are dilated. She doesn’t blink. The tears collect on her face in
puddles. “Beckett, what happened? Why are the two of you girls always in
trouble? I can’t trust the two of you together.”

She can’t trust the two of us together.

Isn’t she a comedian?

I shrug. It’s all I have left to
do. I have nothing to say to Chloe’s mom. Dad will be here any minute – I
have bigger issues to deal with.

He’s scarier than Chloe’s mom.

“Where is she?”

I point down a hallway blocked with
a steel door. “You should talk to the lady behind the desk.”

She wipes the tears from her face,
then sucks in a deep breath and doesn’t move. It’s like she’s stuck. Like if
she doesn’t go a step farther then nothing happened.

“Can I help you?” The woman behind
the desk asks.

Finally she moves. Her heels click
on the cement floor. The sound bounces against the walls. I bury my head in my
hands. I want to escape. I don’t want to be here when my dad shows up.

The sound of the metal door banging shut tells me that
Chloe’s mom is being led back to retrieve Chloe. I bounce my foot against the
floor as I wait. I called Dad over an hour ago.

The door finally opens and Dad
walks in. He’s wearing jeans, a coat, and a scowl on his face. I want to hide
in a corner. I’m scared to move.

He spots me sitting on the bench
and shakes his head before he walks over.

“So…” He looks around the precinct.
“Do I need to sign something for you to leave?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not in
trouble.”

“I can’t believe this. Your mom
said you went out to lunch with the Baker girl and now look where you are.
That’s the last straw. Being that girl’s friend has ruined your life. No more
hanging out with her. I don’t care what your mom says or how long the two of
you have been friends. The two of you together are nothing but trouble.”

Any other day I would have fought
Dad on this, but maybe he has a point. Being friends with Chloe is ruining my life.

I follow Dad out the door.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I need a ride to school.

Again.

I wonder if my parents realize it
would have been easier to just get me a car. It would save them the rides and
the sneaking out if I could just get somewhere on my own like every other
senior at North Lake High. If I had a car I wouldn’t have to depend on Chloe. But
I’m not sure it matters anyway. School is almost over. It’s almost time for me
to abandon my life at North Lake.

I stand outside Mom’s bedroom door,
watching her get ready for work. She’s in front of the mirror with the door
open, sectioning off her hair piece by piece. She wraps her hair around Velcro
rollers, twisting them tight against her scalp, before moving to the next
section. She holds the blow dryer against the rollers and let them set. Her
eyes never leave her reflection in the mirror. She frowns as she examines her
expression in the mirror and unravels the rollers. She leans forward and pulls
on the skin around her eyes and her crow’s feet disappear. She brushes a comb
through her hair. The comb gets stuck part way through and she works to untangle
the mess.

She picks up a tube of lipstick and
smears it across her lips. Then she leans forward and examines her reflection.
She takes a tissue and wipes off her lipstick and replaces it with a tube of
cherry chapstick. It’s the best she can do.

She sees my reflection in the
mirror and jumps.

“Oh dear, you nearly gave me a
heart attack.”

“Sorry about that. Can I come in?”

Mom runs her fingers through her
hair and stands up. She’s wearing the same white blouse that she wore the day
before and a wrinkled skirt. “Sure, is everything okay?”

I look around the room. Since Dad
has been working so much their room is taking on a look of cluttered disarray.
My parents’ room has gone from messy chic to just messy. Everyone’s worlds are
falling apart around me.

I wonder what happened to Mom’s
Mother of the Year award.

“Yeah, I need a ride to school. I
missed the bus.”

She twists her wrist and looks at
her watch. “Oh… I wish you’d let me know these things earlier. I need to drop
Cody off and get to a meeting.”

I look at the floor. Without a ride
I’ll be late for my first period quiz and it’s an automatic dock of ten points.
My grades are bad enough.

Mom must be able to read my
thoughts. “Go get Cody and tell him we need to get going. Make sure he has his
books. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“It’s not a problem, Beckett,” she
sighs. “Just let me know these things earlier next time.”

***

Cody’s sitting in front of an empty
bowl when I walk in the kitchen.

“Hey, did you eat breakfast?” I
motion towards the clean bowl.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m waiting for Mom.”

I look down the empty hallway; we
need to get moving. “Why were you waiting for Mom? You’re a big kid, Cody. You
can pour your own cereal, you know.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“Well, we need to get going, Mom
has to drop me off and she’s going to be late.” I retrieve a box of cereal and
milk and fill Cody’s bowl. “Hurry and eat. I’m going to go get your stuff. Mom
will be out here any minute.” Cody just watches me in silence.

“Why aren’t you and Chloe friends
anymore?”

I place the bowl in front of him.
“Why do you think we’re not friends?”

“Because she has a car and we’re
giving you a ride to school.”

“We’re friends still Cody. It’s
just…complicated.”

“Maybe you should invite her over.”

“Dad doesn’t want her at the
house.”

“Dad’s never home.”

“Good point.” I start down the
hall.

“Thanks, Becks,” he calls after me.

“No problem.”

I wander into his eight-year-old
room. It’s a mess of video games and plates that should’ve been put in the
dishwasher. His books are on his bed, his backpack next to the pile. I throw
them in and grab his coat. His alarm clock ticks on the table next to his bed.

He’s done eating when I return.
“Here, put your coat on. Has Mom come out here yet?”

“No.”

I glance down the still empty hall.
“I’m going to tell her we’re ready.”

She’s still sitting in front of the
mirror. “Mom, we’re ready to go.”

She looks over her shoulder. “I’ll
be right out. Get Cody in the car.”

“Sure.”

***

We wait in the car for five
minutes. I’m about to go back inside when the garage door opens. Mom walks
around to the driver’s seat and gets in. Nobody says a word.

We pull up in front of Cody’s
school first. He’s out the back door before we even stop. “Bye!” he yells as he
runs for the school’s entrance.

It’s just Mom and I.

She pulls back onto the street.

She sighs as she maneuvers the car
towards North Lake. It’s been a morning of sighs.

“So, you should know your dad and I
are having some problems.”

I nod my head and look straight
ahead. I can tell by Mom’s expression that she thinks this statement is a
surprise to me. Like I wouldn’t notice Dad sleeping in his office.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I am too. He went to visit
his brother in San Diego for the weekend. He was really upset about having to
go down to the precinct last weekend to pick you up. He doesn’t want you
hanging out with Chloe anymore. He blames Chloe for being a bad influence on
you and he blames me for not providing you better direction.”

Mom sniffs and I keep my eyes
straight ahead. I already know I let her down. For the last year I’ve been a
complete failure. I’m the girl who fell off the pedestal. But no one told me
the pedestal was made of cardboard.

I hated seeing her upset. Mom is
the last person I want to disappoint.

“I’ll do better.”

I know it doesn’t mean anything.
The only year that really matters is almost over.

We get to school and I’m late. The
parking lot is full and the sidewalks are empty with the exception of
scramblers running towards the front of the building. Mom pulls up to the curb
and stops.

“Have a good day Beckett.”

There are a million things I want
to say, but only three words come out. “Yeah, you too.”

I hop out of the car and run
towards the school entrance.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Words can’t express how happy I am to be almost done with PE
– Physical Excruciation, Peer Embarrassment, Puke and Excrete. The end of
senior year means no more putting on gym shorts and running with cliques of
girls who play sports that I don’t understand. The winter weather is drying out
and spring is here. Time to play softball out on the fields!

I don’t know how to throw a ball or
swing a bat.

I change in the locker room. The
room is filled with girls in various stages of undress. I divert my eyes as I
try to hide in the back of the room. I put on a t-shirt over my sports bra,
blue North Lake sweatpants and sulk out to the field.

Kirby Foster teaches PE. She’s
fresh out of college, a former softball player, and she lets us call her Miss
Kirby. She’s also a drill sergeant. When the second bell rings in the
background she blows her whistle. Everyone starts to run. I despise running.
Miss Kirby scares the crap out of all of us. She blows the whistle again and I
set my legs in motion. By the time I get out to the field, I’m gasping for
breath.

Note to self: join a gym and
practice cardio.

I lean over to catch my breath. I’m
shivering in the cold spring air. I spot Emma in the corner and walk over to
where she’s standing.

Chloe and Hannah are standing in
the back of the class. Hannah’s wearing high-top Converse and a Guns and Roses
t-shirt that looks like it’s been stolen from her mom’s closet.

Miss Kirby splits us into teams
minus the drama that normally comes with dividing up a group of high school
girls. Thankfully the teams are prearranged. Last thing I want to do is stand
outside in the freezing cold to be picked last. I want to make it to the end of
senior year sans any more humiliation.

Emma’s on my team – she’s
probably the only girl at the school worse at sports than me. We walk to the
end of the bleachers and try to make ourselves invisible. I watch Hannah and
Chloe walk out to the field. A few clouds roll across the sky and block out the
sun. Not that it can get much colder. I cross my arms in front of my chest.

Our team is up first and I’m batting
last. I don’t want to bat at all. Maybe if we get three outs in a row and the
other team bats for a long time then we’ll run out of time and I won’t have to
take my turn. Emma’s batting right before me – that will be something to
see for anyone waiting for an exciting game.

Chloe runs out to right field. I’m
so glad we’re not on the same team. All I need is our friendship to slowly fade
away when we go to different universities. If she’s even going – with all
her drama who knows if a school will even accept her. She’s got on a black
t-shirt and purple sweatpants. She runs to the outfield. Girls group together
and laugh. Chloe stands out in the field by herself. Like she’s contagious.

Emma leans over and whispers in my
ear. “Isn’t that Chloe’s weird friend?” She nods at the catcher.

“Yeah.”

“What’s she like? Do you know her?
I heard her brother got busted for selling E to a bunch of sophomores.”

I shake my head. “I don’t really
know her at all. I don’t know anything about that.”

Miss Kirby blows her whistle. The
sound rings in my ear. It feels like my brain might split in two.

The first girl up to bat is a
senior who plays on the softball team – an All-American softball player
– a girl that really knows how to play the game!

She stands at the plate, bat over
her shoulder, ready to smack the first ball of the spring season. Ready to send
it sailing over the fence! The pitch goes over home plate; the sound of the
cracking bat echoes across the field, and the ball flies through the air, right
over Chloe’s head in right field.

It’s like Chloe’s sleeping. The
ball flies right over her head before she even moves. She looks startled when
her team starts yelling at her. She turns and runs after the ball. Softball
player number one runs the bases and crosses home plate before Chloe can
retrieve it.

Next up is one of the juniors from
cheer. She hits the ball right past the shortstop and runs to first base.

Then up comes softball player
number two. Another ball sails over Chloe’s head. She throws her mitt on the
ground and runs after it. I know Chloe hates running and I’m sure the
cigarettes she’s been smoking aren’t helping. Her running is awkward and
gangly. Her tall frame sprints across the grass. Cheers erupt from her
teammates to “Hurry!” and to “Throw it to second!” drift in the air. By the
time she gets to the ball we have scored two more runs.

Miss Kirby crossed her arms. “Look
alive out there, Baker! You’re starting to look like a target!”

Chloe waves her arm.

Softball player number three is up
to bat – a big girl – last year’s All-State third base player. The
kind of girl you don’t want to cross.

She sends the ball flying towards
right field. Only instead of sailing over her, this one is headed right at
Chloe.

“It’s yours, Baker! Get your mitt
out in front of you! Your team needs the out.”

Chloe stands under the ball with
her mitt in front of her face. The ball starts its descent. She moves a couple
of times.

“Oh no,” Emma whispers next to me.

I know what’s going to happen a few
seconds before it occurs. Emma puts her hands over her eyes.

“Baker! Look up! Get your mitt in
front of your face,” Miss Kirby yells across the field.

She looks like she’s really making
an effort. But Chloe isn’t one of the girls on the softball team. I can’t think
of the last time Chloe even wore a mitt.

The ball hits her dead center in
the face in slow motion. It doesn’t even last a second. Chloe crumbles to the
ground. Softball player number three begins her run around the bases while
Chloe lays in fetal position in the middle of the field. Chloe’s hands cover
her face and she doesn’t move.

“Oh crap.” Miss Kirby starts out to
the field – no one else moves. “Maybe we need to practice some of the
basics before we start playing games.”

She runs out to where Chloe is
piled in a rumpled mess. Hannah runs over and leans down and touches her
shoulder. I sit on the bench. Miss Kirby rolls Chloe onto her back. Chloe
places her hands over her face and from where I’m sitting I can see her body
shaking. Something that looks like blood leaks between her fingers. A few
minutes later Miss Kirby gets her on her feet. They pass where we’re sitting. I
watch her shoulders shake. I debate getting up. Chloe shudders when she passes
our dug out.

Chloe moves her hands away from her
face and stares at the girls from the softball team. Tears mix with blood on
her face and her nose is a swollen mess. “Fuck!” she yells as she passes the
bench. “Fuck that hurt! Fuck all of you!” She doesn’t turn back.

Physical Excruciation is done for
the day.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The Facebook page is new. I log into my account Saturday
morning and am met with the stream of friends who have become fans. I received
more than one invitation to become a fan too:

North Lake High Blacklist
Students: New addition, Chloe Baker.

I read the invitation twice. The
invitation is from Joe Nobuddy. There isn’t anyone at North Lake named Joe
Nobuddy, but he’s quickly becoming one of the most popular kids at a school
with four hundred and fifty friends.

I wonder if I should report the
group to Facebook? People aren’t supposed to make fake accounts for the sole
purpose of harassing others. But if I voice my disapproval, won’t I end up on
the blacklist too? The place where only the least popular students reside? Last
thing I need is anymore negative attention from school or home.

It won’t be for much longer.
Graduation is coming.

I don’t join the group and I don’t
report it to Facebook. Instead I log out and shut off my computer.

I walk into the kitchen. Cody’s at
the table eating Lucky Charms surrounded by empty chairs. The kid subsists on
Lucky Charms alone. I worry he’s going to turn into an elf. Pretty soon he’ll
be wearing green shorts and a green hat. Maybe his hair will turn red. I wonder
if all the sugar will damage his brain.

And I worry Mom’s not paying enough
attention to him. I’m almost a grown-up, but Cody’s just a little kid. A little
kid eating Lucky Charms like it’s the only thing in the world keeping him
alive.

My picture of senior year is messed
up.

But, more than anything, I’m glad
senior year is almost over.

“Hey, bud. Is that all you’re
eating this morning?”

Cody looks down at his cereal like
I’m accusing him of eating ants. “Yeah, so?”

“Do you want me to make you some
eggs?”

He shoves a spoonful of Lucky
Charms in his mouth and chews. “No, I’m fine. Can you go get Mom though? I’m
going to be late for school.”

I look down the hall. Every day
Mom’s a little later. Like life is getting too hard and she can’t deal with the
day.

She’s not alone.

“Okay, sure, I’ll go down and see
what she’s doing.”

The hall is silent as I walk
towards my parents’ room. Dad’s long gone to work. Their bedroom door’s cracked
open. I peek through the crack. Mom’s on her bed, still dressed in her pajamas,
staring at the wall. She must not have heard me coming.

I crack open the door. “Mom?”

She turns towards the door and sits
up in a hurry. “Oh, hi there Beckett. Is Cody eating breakfast?”

I look around her room. We need to
hire a housekeeper. “He’s eating the rest of the box of Lucky Charms.”

Mom laughs. But the sound is all
off. Like she’s not sure it’s appropriate. “Well, at least he’s going to
school. I’ll let them deal with the sugar rush.”

“Are you going to take us to
school?”

She stands up. “Sure, let me
change.” She starts picking up pieces of dirty clothes off the floor.

“Mom, are you going to work today?”

“No, I asked for a few days off
just to rest. Your dad is going away on another business trip and I thought it
would be good to stay home and think things over…” The sentence drags out. I
expect something more. But instead she picks up an old pair of sweatpants off
the floor.

“I’ll wait for you in the kitchen,”
I say as I walk out of the room.

***

She drops Cody off first. Cody sits
in the backseat in silence. For once he doesn’t even ask us to turn on the
radio. I think back to the list of banned students on Facebook. Chloe’s on the
list. Once you make the list your life sucks at North Lake. It’s what happened
to Ashley Sprague. Ashley was last year’s outcast. This year she transferred to
South Shore High School.

Smart girl.

We should have followed her lead.

Cody jumps out of the car when Mom
pulls up in front of his school. He doesn’t say goodbye. Instead he waves as he
runs off. When he gets to the front steps Mom pulls away from the curb.

“He’s having a hard time with your
father being gone so much,” Mom looks over her shoulder as she pulls out onto
the street.

I nod my head in silence.

“Maybe you could take him out
somewhere this weekend. He doesn’t want to be around me. He barely talks to me
anymore.”

“I don’t think he’s mad at you,” I
offer. I wonder if it’s the other way around. Maybe Cody thinks Mom’s upset.
Our whole family is mired in dysfunction. Drowning in it, actually.

“Boys hold things in. It’s
something you’ll learn when you’re older. You’ll get married one day and
realize you barely know your spouse.”

I watch out the window as Mom
drives. I hate hearing her talk about this stuff. She and Dad are having
problems. Fine. But I’m
not a psychiatrist; I have no idea what to say when Mom needs help.

Mom must sense my discomfort
because she changes the subject. “How’s school going?”

“Fine.”

Silence follows. Mom turns right
and the parking lot comes into view. I look at the clock on the dashboard. I’m
ten minutes late.

“How’s Chloe?”

“She got hurt in PE and she hasn’t
been coming to school. I haven’t seen her since.”

“What happened?”

“She got hit with a ball in Miss
Kirby’s class.”

Mom nods her head. “Yeah, Miss
Kirby played softball in college. I’ve heard from some of the other moms she
expects a little too much in PE class.”

Mom pulls up to the curb. I grab my
backpack and open the door. “Have a good day at school, Beckett.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

***

Another day, and there’s no sign of
Chloe. She’s not in class, not in the cafeteria, not in the halls. I wonder if
she has enough credits to graduate on time. It would suck to have to do this
whole stupid year over again.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Miss Kirby moves away from softball
to yoga. Maybe it’s the pouring rain, maybe it was the accident with Chloe, or
maybe she’s trying to limber up. She stands in front of class on a mat wearing
long pants and a floral t-shirt with her hair tied back in a bun. She looks Zen
– as Zen as Miss Kirby can look anyway. I guess she wants to help us
escape.

“Okay class, we’re going to try a
few basic poses today as an introduction to Yoga. Let’s start off with tree
pose. Those of you who have done Yoga before are probably familiar with tree
pose.”

Emma’s next to me on her own mat.
Emma is one of the few people at North Lake who I think of as Zen.

“Take your right foot and bring it
up as high as you can on your left leg without losing your balance.” Miss Kirby
takes her right foot and places it against her left thigh. I try to follow her
lead. So do several of the other students, including the girls on the softball
team. A couple of girls stumble. I wave my arms in the air to catch my balance.
Miss Kirby looks around the room, her face etched with disappointment. None of
us are on the path to become master Yogis.

As Miss Kirby attempts to help a
couple of girls in the front row with their balance, Emma turns to me and
whispers. “Where’s Chloe?” Emma models a perfect tree pose. Just like I
thought.

I try again; I put my right foot up
to my left knee. This time it sticks. I remember ballet – standing in a
perfect pirouette – I take a deep breath.

Center.

“I don’t know.”

“Is she okay? Her face looked a
mess.”

“I haven’t spoken to her.”

“Did you see she was put on the ban
list?”

“Yeah.”

Miss Kirby glares at us from the
front of the room. She puts her finger to her lips. “Shh… We need to stay
centered, ladies. No talking.”

I inhale twice. I imagine a
mountain creek. I pushed away everything going on around me. My classmates
disappear. I don’t want to come back.

***

Chloe’s AWOL – missing in
action – MIA. I stand outside last period calculus and pretend to read my
history book. I’m really waiting for Hannah. Hannah’s the only one Chloe talks
to anymore.

The class filters out. A couple
guys from the baseball team pass. One bumps me. I fall back a couple of feet.
He doesn’t say anything. I want to shout, “Excuse me!” as he walks away but I’m
having enough problems. I don’t need any more trouble at school.

Hannah walks out of the class with
her head down. She looks like she’s counting dust particles on the floor. She
walks my direction without looking up.

For a moment I think of letting her
pass. I don’t need to know Chloe’s whereabouts. Chloe’s not my responsibility.

I change my mind. “Hannah!”

She stops walking.

“Hannah, wait up!”

She slowly turns. As soon as she
sees me she picks up her pace and walks away.

“Hannah!”

She stops again. This time she
turns and looks right at me. I take a sharp breath. “Do you have a minute?” is
all I can spit out.

She flips her wrist and looks at her
watch. It’s dirty plastic watch from Target. “I have a minute. Go.”

“I… uh…”

She flips her watch again. “Fifty
seconds. I have a bus to catch.’

“Have you seen Chloe lately?”

“You mean after she broke her nose
and you and all your cliquey little friends had a good laugh? Or after that
fucking Joe Nobuddy added her to his stupid list? No, I haven’t seen her. I
wonder if I’ll ever see her again.” Hannah turns around and starts for the
exits.

I follow her. “What do you mean
‘ever again’?”

Hannah shrugs. Her back is to me
and I can’t see her face. “I think she’s had it with this place. I’d be
surprised if she comes back. You know, she was your friend at one time, you
could ask your little people to back off.”

I practically have to run to keep
up. Doesn’t she know about the city bus? The city bus can take you anywhere if
you miss one of North Lake’s busses. And you don’t have to suffer the
embarrassment of being the only senior.

“Look, I know it sucks for her
right now. I just wanted to ask about her and make sure everything’s okay.”

“If you want to know if she’s okay,
call and ask her yourself.” We’re standing outside on the stairs. The engines
to the busses start. Hannah hurries down the cement steps towards the bus.
“Look, I have to go. Like I said, call her if you want to know. I really
couldn’t tell you how she’s doing. I haven’t seen her either.”

Then she runs to the bus that’s
shutting its front door, leaving me alone in front of the institution of
learning that’s slowly ruining my life.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Mom suggested we meet at Bellevue Square for some
mother-daughter shopping. Mom’s job is in downtown Bellevue and it’s easier
just to take the bus to the mall. And she says my clothes are starting to look
ratty. I guess shopping isn’t top of my mind. Mom thinks I need new clothes to
wear to all the upcoming senior year activities.

Not that I have a lot going on.

But at least she can give me a ride
home.

The bus is mostly empty Wednesday
after school. I sit by the window. From my spot above traffic I can see inside
the vehicles below. The bus passes families in SUVs – mom and dad in the
front, kids in the back wearing that day’s uniform. Cheerleaders, baseball
players, soccer players… A man sits a couple of seats mumbling about Jesus
Christ. I wish I brought my iPod to block out the sound. A guy sitting on the
other side of the aisle gets up and moves to the back of the bus. He smiles at
me as he passes. I lean my head against the window and watch the world go by.

***

It’s raining when the bus drops me
off at Bellevue Square. Now that’s something new. Rain in the Pacific
Northwest.

The mall’s deserted. I walk in
Nordstrom and a shoe salesman glances at me before returning dusting the shoes.
I look around the department for Mom. No one speaks to me.

At five after five I take a seat on
one of the benches and anxiously await a shopper in need of footwear; Italian
cow skin and sparkling sandals surround me.

Ten minutes pass.

Great – I’m being deserted by
my own mother – like things could be any worse. I’m positive she said to
meet in the shoe department at five. Shoppers mill around a rack of boots. A
couple of loud girls with Bellevue High t-shirts giggle around the MAC counter.
The women at the counter wear purple eye shadow and heavy black eyeliner. Their
clothes are covered with black aprons. Punk music plays in the background.

I count the minutes going by on my
watch.

Where is my mom?

I sit back down.

“Can I help you find something?”

It’s the shoe guy who’s been
dusting. Apparently I’m not invisible anymore.

Maybe I’m in his way.

“No, I’m just waiting for someone.”

He nods his head. I get up and walk
over to the cosmetics department where I can see Mom if she walks in the store.

The Bellevue girls giggle over
their new purple lips, blue eye shadow and white, translucent face powder. They
look like a couple of vampires. Very Twilight-esque. The MAC rave is in full force. Right now they’re
having a special promotion!
Free makeovers for anyone who wants to spend $50 painting their
faces the colors of the rainbow.

Another ten minutes pass. She’s now
twenty-five minutes late.

“We’re doing free makeovers today.”
An elfish woman with black hair, white face, and red lipstick gives me a
hopeful smile. She’s wearing all black with a smock covering her clothes; the
smock is filled with a hundred different brushes. She’s a face artist.

“No thanks.”

Black-garb girl looks down at the
floor and walks away.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a
woman waving. She rushes my direction and envelopes me in a bear hug.

It’s thirty-three minutes after
five.

“I’m so sorry. I had a meeting that
ran over and I got stuck in traffic and it just took longer to get here than I
had planned.”

I shift my weight. “It’s fine Mom,
I wasn’t doing anything anyway.”

Mom looks relieved. “Good. I was
worried you’d be mad since you rode the bus out here and all.”

MAC girl returns when she sees I
have a mother – a mother with a designer handbag and a pocketbook. MAC
girl smells blood.

“Free makeovers today,” her
attention is on Mom.

Mom’s expression lights up. She
claps her hands and gives me a bright smile. “Perfect! We’d love to do a
makeover! We’ll do the makeover and then get you something new to wear. I think
a fresh look would make you feel a hundred times better.”

I don’t have the energy to fight
back. I get into the make-up/torture device chair for the makeover to the new
me.

***

Two hours later I have a new face
and a new outfit. I’m masked by a layer of Nordstrom garb. It’s like I can hide
behind it somehow. I’m officially ready to graduate from North Lake High and
put an end to what’s been the worst year of my life.

Chapter Thirty

A couple of busy-body North Lake parents reserved Houghton
Park for the Senior Bash – The-Senior-Bash. You literally count down the days to the bash from the first day of
freshman year.

Mom let me use the car. Now that
Dad’s gone she’s more lenient. Everything is, “Okay, go ahead,” and, “Whatever
you’d like dear.” I barely have to put up a fight.

I always pictured how the night
would go. Chloe would come to my house and help me get ready. She’d drive. We’d
hang out with friends, snapping photos to upload to Facebook. Kale and I would
kiss in the darkened parking lot. We’d share the event on Facebook. It would be
the perfect send-off.

Now that I think about it, it’s
almost funny.

I get out the outfit Mom bought me
shopping. It’s the best I can do to try to fit in.

Mom’s sitting on the couch reading
a magazine with a frown on her face when I walk into the room. I know how she
feels. I feel the same way.

“Oh dear, you look beautiful! That
outfit looks great on you. I can’t believe you’re all grown up. What’s happened
to time?” She gives me a tight hug. She acts like I’m on my way to prom, or the
presidential inauguration.

But it’s nothing but an end of the
school year party for the seniors and I’m wearing khaki pants. Only people who
want to blend in with the wall wear khaki pants. I know planning these parties
is Mom’s thing, but Jennie’s mom took over planning for my class’s activities
after the Incident. I’m pretty sure Jennie’s mom will be voted North Lake’s Mom
of the Year.

“Thanks, Mom.”

Mom + I = Total Failures.

***

The party is at the lake. I drive
through the tree-lined roads, past houses on steroids that hide behind gates
and security systems. Rich people are better at hiding from the rest of the
world. The road narrows and I slow my speed. Last thing I need is to dent Mom’s
car.

The parking lot is full when I
arrive. I circle the lot, up and down the aisles, and I pass Kale’s car. I
notice Tiffany’s car parked across from his, like somehow parking next to him
makes them a couple. All the seniors are ready for a festive North Lake
send-off. The party is starting without me. The whole year cruised along
without me.

Beckett Smith: participation not
needed.

I pull onto the street and head
towards a dirt overflow lot. Mom’s car drives over bumps and kicks up gravel. I
hear the rock scrape metal. As if things weren’t bad enough already. I might as
well keep driving to Canada. Finally I find a spot in the very back, in the
midst of parental SUVs. Maybe they belong to the organizers. I park next to
Jennie’s mom’s Land Rover and turn off the engine.

I pull out my cell. Nothing. A year
ago my phone would have been buzzing with messages checking on my whereabouts.
This year no one misses me.

It’s like I don’t exist.

I lean my head against the steering
wheel and close my eyes. I want to go back home. Who am I fooling? No one will
even notice I’m not at the Senior Bash.

My phone buzzes and I look at the
display.

R u coming?

It’s from Emma. Emma lives in a
bubble – oblivious to my social destitution.

Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.

Where r u?

I just pulled in.

Good! See u soon!

I put the phone back in my handbag.
At least I won’t be totally alone at the party. I can hang with Emma and Jennie
and the rest of the group. Sometimes I think Emma’s sole purpose is to save me
from hiding in a corner and wanting to escape life.

***

Voices get louder and laughter
drifts in the air as I get closer to the lake. Trees flower around me. Spring
is turning to summer. I walk down the winding path, following sunbeams that
push their way through the branches, lighting the path. It’s a beautiful end of
spring day.

The closer I get to the park, the
louder the voices grow. A sign with bright colored balloons has an arrow
pointing to the park: North Lake Senior Bash!

A couple of baseball players loiter
at the edge of the park. Court sees me. He points and leans over and whispers
in his clones’ ear. They laugh. I lower my head and walk past them.

I hear the word loser.

I can’t find Emma. The party is a
sea of blue North Lake T-shirts and sweatshirts. She’s lost in an ocean of
senior fish. Happy moms stand behind a festive banquet table, filling cups,
keeping an eye out to make sure nobody dumps vodka into the punch bowl.

Jennie’s mom gives me a broad smile
when I pass. “Hi, Beckett. The girls are down by the lake.”

“Thanks Mrs. Dunham.”

I squeeze past the knowledge bowl
team. I overhear a conversation about quantum mechanics and string theory
– foreign words that are a garble of letters – I have no idea what
they’re talking about.

Jennie and Emma are on the shore of
the lake with their jeans rolled up, laughing in the sand. A couple of girls
from cheer stand with them. Emma waves her hand in the air when she sees me.

“Hey, Beckett! Over here! We’ve
been waiting for you!”

I walk over to where they’re
standing in front of the massive lake. The crystal blue water reflects diamonds
back at the sun. Jennie tosses her hair over her shoulders. The four of them
looked like normal, everyday girls.

“You’re here!” Emma bounces over
and gives me a hug. Her dark hair glows in the day’s light. Jennie waves her
hand at me. The other two girls keep talking like I’m not even there.

“Having fun?” I ask. I look around
the party.

“Can you believe it’s finally here?
We’re about to graduate! I can’t believe this is our last official school party
together!”

“I know, it looks like everyone is
here.”

“Yeah, everyone but your friend
Chloe,” Emma says. Emma’s probably the only person at the school that would
care to even notice. “Do you think she’ll come?”

I shake my head. “I doubt it. She’s
been skipping class a lot lately.”

A couple of guys from the baseball
team come over and bump Jennie. Jennie puts on a big show like it hurt. She
groans and gives the guys a playful punch. The guys laugh and walk away.

“So,” Jennie joins the
conversation, “did you decide where you’re going to college next year?”

I nod my head. “Arizona State
University.” I pause for effect, then add. “Go, Sun Devils!” I throw up
pitchfork fingers in a mock show of school spirit.

Mari is suddenly interested in the
conversation. “I thought you were going to Columbia.”

Great. This is all I need: someone
to highlight all my failures. “No, I’m not.”

Mari steps closer and tilts her
head to the side. “Your dad went to school with my dad there, I thought he was
making you go.”

“I…” What am I supposed to say? I
didn’t get in? Everything’s bad enough. Mari must be the last person at North
Lake to know I’m a total academic failure. So I just say the best lie I can
think of. “I like the sun. I want to go study in the sunshine.”

I can tell Mari knows I’m lying.
She narrows her eyes to try to see through me. I can see the wheels turning in
her head. But she doesn’t call me out on it.

“Yeah, I don’t want to go there
either. I decided on UCLA. My dad is so mad.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. Now
Mari and I have something in common. We aren’t going to our parents’ alma
maters. We’re total rebels against our parents.

***

The barbeque starts up and the
smell of hamburgers, ribs, chicken, and steaks fill the air. One deep breath
and my stomach growls so loud that Emma turns and looks over her shoulder. It
reminds me that my clothes are falling off. I’m going to need a whole new wardrobe
at this pace. Eating is the last thing on my mind.

We move away from the sandy shores
up to where the other students are loitering. The baseball players are off in
the corner wearing baggy shorts and flip-flops. I spot Kale and Court together.
I hate Court. It makes me question Kale.

Emma finds a table for us to sit at
to eat our food. I have a plate filled to the edges with barbeque chicken,
potato salad, bread… I know I’m breaking some sort of blasé girls’ rule about
eating a bunch of food in public. But I’m starving. And I need a distraction in
front of my classmates at North Lake.

We’re sitting at a table a few feet
away from the baseball team when the laughter grows louder.

“Hey, look who’s here!” It’s
Court’s voice, ten decibels louder than the crowd.

I look over my shoulder to see the
object of Court’s interest. It’s Chloe and Hannah. They’re walking down the
hill towards the party. Hannah’s dressed in all black; Chloe’s wearing black
jeans and a bright fuchsia t-shirt, as if the bright color will make her a
happier person somehow.

“Hey, they’re both on the List now,
aren’t they?”

It’s Kale. He’s close enough I can
hear what he’s trying to keep in the group. I stop chewing. My heart beats in
my ears.

“Oh, yeah, after what Chloe did?
Chloe tried to rat me out last year. She almost got me kicked off the football
team, you know. I’m glad it was her and that friend of hers that got in all the
trouble. They took one for the team.”

Laughter breaks out. The kind of
laughter you hear in a male locker room – or an asylum.

I take a couple of deep, sharp
breaths. My fists clench. My fingernails dig into my palms as pain signals
shoot to my brain. But for some reason I’m not able to loosen the grip. I look
around the table. Emma’s right by my side, her eyes wide like two brand new
silver dollars. I shake my head.

“She got everything she deserved:
she slept with half the guys on the football team. If she didn’t want the whole
school to see her naked she shouldn’t have been taking the pictures. If she
hadn’t taken the pictures then I wouldn’t have sent them to the whole school.”

I put my fork on the table. The
world swims around me. Blue t-shirts blend with the sky. The laughter is like a
tornado swirling in the air. A high-pitched laugh rattles my ear. I grab the
edge of the table. I shake my head back and forth, trying to expel what I just
heard.

Court sent the pictures? Kale knew
about this the whole time?

“You okay, Beckett? You don’t look
good.”

I nod and take a sharp breath. The
world spins around me. “I’m fine – I’m great.”

I look over my shoulder at where
the guys are standing. Just then Court looks to his right. It’s like he feels
me looking at him. Our eyes meet. A flicker of embarrassment crosses his face
– just a flicker. It lasts less than a second. Court taps Kale on the
shoulder. Kale’s face reddens the minute he sees me. Court grabs Kale’s arm and
pulls him away.

I stare at my lunch, no longer
hungry.

***

The girls laugh over their sparse
plates of food.

How long does it take to eat a
salad and a chicken wing?

It must take forever. I debate
getting up to leave. I could just go home and skip the rest of the party.
There’s no rule saying I have to stay. No one’s taking attendance and I’m not
being graded on the Senior Bash.

I study Kale out of the corner of
my eye. He and the group are lurking under a tree, away from the crowd. The
earlier jocularity is gone. But Court’s still at it. He waves his arms in the
air. He laughs. I watch him point at Chloe and Hannah. He points and whispers
something to Kale and his followers.

Chloe and Hannah are sitting at the
end of a picnic table. They are on their own little oasis. They might as well
be on Mars. The only other person at the table is Lars Thomas in his wheelchair
with his mother serving him with some potato salad.

“So, who’s all going to UW next
year?” Jennie poses the question when her salad is half-eaten. Jennie doesn’t
consume calories.

“A lot of people are going. Kale
got a football scholarship, Court is playing baseball… A ton of girls are
going: Lisa, Tara, Katie… We should all pledge together. That would be so cool
if all the North Lake girls were in the same house. Are you going to try out
for cheer, Jennie?”

Jennie shakes her head. “Not for
freshman year. They already had football tryouts. Maybe next year. I want to
concentrate on school the first year.”

“It will be so fun we’re all going
together!” Katie claps her hands together.

The girls go on talking about the
best houses to pledge: Alpha Gamma Delta, Delta Delta Delta, Chi Omega… They’ve suddenly learned Greek.

I’m not pledging at ASU. And I’m
totally done hanging with groups of girls: too much drama, too much angst, too
many feelings getting hurt and hearts being stomped on. At ASU I’m going to
study, bring my grades up, and stay under the radar. I’m going to turn my life
around. A fresh start is what I need.

Outside the masses of North Lake
students, Kale, Court, and friends gather in a herd of testosterone filled high
school boys. Those groups are the worst.

Chloe and Hannah haven’t moved off
their island. Chloe’s looking around the party, like an animal at a zoo from
her cage; everything is going on outside the bars. Life is what’s happening
around you.

Mari’s voice interrupts my
thoughts. “But Chi Omega is the sorority my sister went to. I’m sure I won’t
have any problems getting in. She’d be so mad if I went somewhere else.”

Court walks away from the
testosterone filled crew. Kale follows him for a minute. I watch as Kale waves
his hands and points. Court shakes his head and keeps going.

“Delta Delta Delta has the best
events though.”

“We should make a list with the
pros and cons. It would totally suck to be in the wrong sorority. How would you
ever get out? You’d be stuck four years at the university with all the wrong
friends. That’s why we have to do some research first.”

Court walks down the hill towards
the edge of the party…

“You’ll be stuck there forever…”

…towards where Chloe and Hannah are
sitting.

“That’s why we need to make sure we
get in the right house. It’ll affect our whole college experience.”

On top of the hill the guys are
laughing. They’re watching Court like something is about to go down.

My heart skips around in my chest.

I stand up to see what’s going on.

Court continues towards Chloe and
Hannah. They’re deep in conversation, oblivious to Court coming up from behind.

Kale catches my eye from the top of
the hill and shakes head. My attention is back on Chloe and Hannah. They aren’t
paying attention. It’s like nothing’s going on. I turn back to Hannah and
Chloe. I want scream and warn them but nothing comes out.

And they still don’t see Court
coming. They’re deep in conversation about something or other; summer jobs,
college plans, stoner boys…

The guys on the hill pump their
fist in the air. It’s like a circus.

Court can’t help himself; he sneaks
up behind Chloe and lifts up her shirt.

She’s not fast enough to stop its
upward trajectory. It slips right up over her head and he takes off running in
a fit of laughter.

Chloe stands up and turns around.
Everyone laughs. Like it’s some kind of comedy hour. The laughter rings in the
air like bells. Chloe’s frozen in place in a black bra and denim shorts. Her
white skin glows in the sunlight. She’s skin and bones – a senior class
skeleton.

“What a dick,” Emma mutters next to
me.

I’m frozen in place. If I walk over
to Chloe then I’ll become a target too.

And I’m so tired of the drama and
the negative attention and the name calling and the river between Chloe and I
that turned into an ocean senior year. I’m so tired of it all. All I wanted was
to come to the senior year bash and put the year behind me. I just want to move
forward and forget about the senior year of suck.

So I sit back down.

Chapter Thirty-One

Nothing to see here.

It’s over and everyone moves on.
Chloe and Hannah are so far outside the circle that even being stripped by
Court doesn’t leave a lasting impression.

I can’t chew my food. I stand up
and grab my handbag – it’s time to break away from the Blue Devil pride.
I’m done with North Lake and the cliques and the abuse and the gossip and all
the sucky things that go along with high school when you are kicked outside the
circle and try to make your way back in.

Mari and Katie are deep in
conversation. They don’t even acknowledge me when I get up to leave the table. I
grab my handbag from the bench and turn around.

“Hey! Don’t go! Stay and hang out!”

It’s Emma. Emma’s always so sweet.
The girl I wish I were more like – the girl that’s nice to everyone
– the girl that saved me from spending my senior year hiding in a hole.

“I’m sorry. I’m totally out of
here. The students at North Lake suck.”

Her face drops. Life is all tulips
and butterflies to Emma. I doubt she understands anything different. “But we’ll
be playing games later. We need you to be on our team.”

“I can’t. I hate this school. I’m
totally out of here.”

Jennie gives me a warm smile.
“Don’t feel bad,” she says. “Guys are dumb. They’re stupid and the only reason
they exist is because their semen keeps the planet populated. You should stay:
don’t let a bunch of dumb guys ruin our last party.”

I hesitate. It is our last party,
the last torturous social event, so I sit back down.

The conversation returns to
sororities and pledge outfits. I take a bite of barbeque chicken. The chicken
is cold and sits in my mouth like dead meat. I chew and grab a soda to wash it
down.

The skinny girls brought their
bathing suits. They jump in the water and splash. One of the guys runs up to
the beach and grabs a fully clothed girl and throws her in. Her screams fly in
the breeze. She climbs out, dripping wet. The parents ignore the whole
interaction. They’re here to serve food and nothing else. It’s not an official
school event. There are no ‘official’ party rules.

Everybody can be a jackass.

***

Fifteen minutes later the lake’s filled
with seniors. Girls run in the water and scream, boys push in fully clothed
girls, and the parents wander off to escape for a drink. Mrs. Dunham cracks
open a beer.

Not that I blame her.

Kale, Court and friends rip off
their shirts and jump in the water. Kale’s muscles glisten in the sun. I can’t
wrap my head around what I heard. Kale was in on it the whole time. The –
whole – time. What a dick.

The guys pull a couple of girls
into the water. Bodies splash. It’s early spring; the water’s freezing.

Chloe and Hannah are forgotten.
Court ran up to one of the juniors who had tagged along with her friends to the
party. He tries to pull down her jeans. She turns around and swings at him and
he ducks. He runs out of the water and she follows. But this isn’t angry; it’s
flirtatious. Kale grabs a girl and tries to dunk her in the water. She giggles
from the attention. I want to vomit. I rub my temples in my head, wishing the
day’s events away.

I just want to go home.

A gasp from the direction of the
lake rings through the air. I stop rubbing my temples and look out to the
water. Everyone’s looking back up the hill. Emma grabs my arm. Her grip’s so
tight that the blood in my arm stops circulating.

I follow everyone’s eyes.

Chloe’s back. She’s on top of the
hill facing Court, wearing her bra and shorts. Sarah, the junior that he had
chased up the hill stands between the two with her hand over her mouth, staring
at Chloe. She’s holding something in her hand. The sun is behind her: they’re
just three dots against it. I squint against the glare. Chloe says something
and Sarah runs down the hill. Court and Chloe are left behind.

I put my hand up to block out the
rays to get a better look at Chloe.

She’s holding a gun.

“Oh my God,” Emma whispers next to
me.

A few voices scream from the lake.

I get up.

“Beckett, what are you doing?” Emma
grabs my arm and pulls me back down.

Jennie looks at me from across the
table. Her mouth moves but nothing comes out. She reaches over the table and
grabs my arm. “She wouldn’t do anything, would she?”

I catch my breath. She takes a step
closer to Court. Court doesn’t move. He’s not so brave any more. For once
someone has gotten the better of him.

“I don’t know.”

“I mean, she’s not going to shoot
us all, is she? It’s not going to be one of those school shootings that end up
all over the papers, is it?”

“I…”

“I mean, she’s not going to go all
Columbine on us, is she?”

“What should we do?” I barely
recognize Katie’s voice. It’s octaves higher than normal – high enough to
break my eardrum.

“Get under the table.” Mari grabs
her arm and pulls her under. Jennie follows course.

Emma holds on to my arm. “You
should talk to her; you’re her best friend. She’ll listen to you.”

“I know.”

“Be careful.”

This is what happens to the world’s
most terrible friend. But I can be better.

I start up the hill. At first they
don’t see me. Court’s walking slowly backwards. Chloe takes another step
towards him. She holds the gun up in front of her. I could never believe
Chloe’s mom kept unlocked guns in the house. I bet her mom never thought she’d
use it for this.

“You think it’s funny?”

Now I’m close enough to hear them.
Chloe sounds like an alien.

“No,” Court whispers.

“I mean, you think it’s funny to
send pictures of me to all your friends?”

“No.”

“You think it’s funny to take off
my shirt in front of everyone?”

“It was just a joke.”

“What kind of pervert are you to
force me into the bathroom? What’s wrong with you? Are you sick or something?”

“I…”

I get closer. Chloe’s face is so
red it’s not human. Sweat drips down her forehead. Her eyes fixate on Court.

“I wouldn’t fuck you junior year
and you had to go around and torture me? You couldn’t take the rejection?”

“That’s not what happened.”

“Being Joe Nobuddy is a joke?”

“I didn’t mean anything by it. That
group’s supposed to be funny.”

“It’s not funny.”

“Okay, I’ll take it down.”

“How would you like to be on a list
like that? How would you like your life to be ruined by some guy trying to make
up for having a small dick?”

“Chloe?”

Chloe turns and notices me for the
first time. Her eyes look into another dimension. She stops pointing the gun
for a moment. “Get out of here, Beckett.”

Court looks relieved. He also sees
an opportunity to escape. He makes a quick move to his right. But he’s not
quick enough. Chloe aims the gun right at his head.

“Going somewhere?”

Court looks half scared and half
pissed. Like he can’t figure out why this girl he’s been harassing all year is
holding a gun up to him. I can’t tell if he wants to run and hide or if he
wants to stay and fight.

“Chloe, don’t do this…” But I have
no idea what I’m supposed to say. I’m not a hostage negotiator. I’m not
anything, really. I’m not even a good friend. “It won’t make things better. If
you do anything, it will only make things worse.”

“How do you know that? You haven’t
been through what I’ve been through this year. You don’t know how bad it is.
You abandoned me for greener pastures. It might actually make things a lot better.”

“Chloe, please, next year is
freshman year of college. You can leave. Remember, we talked about that? It
will be so much better once we graduate. It’s only a few more days. Don’t ruin
it this way.”

“Beckett, you have know idea… you
don’t have to just take what people dish out to you, you know. You can do
something about it.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see
the rest of the seniors watching us on top of the hill. Everyone’s staring. I
see our table. Emma, Jennie, Katie, and Mari are hiding underneath. I don’t
blame them. I wish I could join them. But my life and destiny are on top of the
hill. Their futures are with basketball games and sororities and honor clubs
and boys and marriages and babies and four-bedroom homes with two and a half
baths. My future is my best friend standing in front of me, holding a loaded
gun.

Chloe’s head spins to the right and
her eyes narrows. “What are you doing here? Want some of this action?” Chloe
holds up the gun and points it right at him.

Kale graces us with his presence.
Compared to Court he looks calm. Like he knows what he’s doing. Kale’s our own
hostage negotiator.

“Chloe…” Kale takes a step towards
her. “Please put the gun down. If you put the gun down we’ll all pretend like
nothing happened. You can go home and it will be like you weren’t even here.”

Chloe doesn’t put the gun down;
instead she points it right at Kale’s face. “You’re part of the problem. Go
over there and stand by your friend. We’ll play a little game of Russian
Roulette to decide which of the two of you is going to live.”

Kale doesn’t move towards Court.
Instead he takes a step closer to Chloe. “Come on now, you don’t want to go to
prison, do you?”

Chloe throws her head back and lets
out a shrill laugh. She sounds hysterical, like a crazy person – or a
person who’s been pushed too close to the edge.

“You think I’m worried about going
to prison? Where do you think I’ve been the last year? Do you think it’s fun
going to school and being mocked from the time I walk in the door to the time I
leave? Do you think I’ve enjoyed having my life ruined?” No one says anything.
Chloe stares at each of us without blinking. “DO YOU?”

Kale shakes his head. “No, I guess
not.”

“Then why do you think I’d care if
I go to jail? What difference does it make?”

I take a step towards Chloe, to get
the gun away from her, to give everyone a second chance. “Chloe, you have your
whole life ahead of you. In a few months you can go away to school and work on
your degree. Go somewhere you won’t know anyone. In a few years you won’t
remember high school.”

Chloe laughs. “Beckett, that’s
funny. Thanks for the advice, though. My parents are sending me to UW because
they can’t afford to pay for housing! Half of North Lake is going to UW. I’m
never going to escape!”

“Chloe.”

“Beckett, you should go back to
your friends.” She nods her head towards the table I have been sitting at. “I’d
hate for something to happen to you.”

“Chloe, please.”

“You used to be my best friend, you
know? When we were kids we were like twins. I used to think of you as my
sister. Sisters would never abandon someone the way you abandoned me.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see
the lights at the top of the hill. Flashing lights – but no sirens. Like
they’re trying to sneak up on us. Kale sees them too. A brief look of relief
crosses his face. Chloe has her back to the parking lot. She has no idea.

Maybe things would have ended
differently if it weren’t for Tiffany. Good old Tiffany, she could pretty much
ruin anything. It’s as if she doesn’t know why the cops are here – like
she thinks they came because a couple of kids are drinking beer.

Like it’s all we have to worry
about.

Tiffany screams, “Cops!”

And all chaos breaks out.

Chloe spins around. The cops will
be here in minutes. And she’s holding a loaded gun.

“Shit!”

She turns to Court, her eyes filled
with hate. “You ruined my life.” She walks towards him with the gun out in
front of her.

It happens so fast that if I had
blinked, I would have missed the whole thing. She points it at Court and this
time Court knows she’s serious. He ducks like a baby. Water drips down his
pants and puddles under his legs. Pissing yourself really says a lot about a
person. The cops get closer. Chloe’s eyes meet mine.

“I’m sorry things didn’t turn out
senior year the way we wanted,” she whispers. Tears fall out of her eyes. Her
hand shakes so hard that the gun does a little dance. “Tell your mom thanks for
having me over on the holidays. She really should be North Lake’s Mom of the
Year.” She takes a deep breath - although it’s more of a gulp, really.  “But I really can’t take another day of
this.”

She takes a couple of steps towards
me and reaches her arm out. The gun dances on the end, shaking like a flag in
the breeze. She hands it to me. I take it because I don’t know what else to do.
It’s cold in my hand. It feels like ice.

Then Chloe looks over her shoulder
and runs. No one stops her. Not a single person tries. And by the time the cops
show up and get out of the car… she’s gone.

Chapter Thirty-Two

I’m on a bench in the police station staring at the wall.
It’s the same police station I sat in when Chloe got her MIP. Everything’s the
same: the same woman’s behind the desk, the walls are the same color. Even the
black spot on the wall hasn’t changed.

My heart sits in my stomach. It
beats, sending acid up into my mouth, choking me on the way up. I lean over and
throw up on the floor.

Vomit spreads across the tile and
pools in the cracks. Chloe’s mother isn’t at the precinct. The cops are looking
for Chloe. No one knows where she is.

Court and Kale are in the back,
giving a statement to the officers. I’ve already given mine.

What they didn’t ask is what kind
of person allows her best friend to get to that point? What kind of friend
ignores a cry for help because she’s sick of being left out of everything fun?
Who abandons a friend for a seat at the cool table?

That person’s sitting on a bench in
a freezing police precinct, tapping her foot against the floor, waiting for her
mother.

I realize that the khaki pants and
a white polo shirt I’m wearing are the same as Chloe’s
I’m-trying-to-stay-out-of-trouble-and-fit-in outfit. That fact might have been
funny in a different time and place.

Voices laugh in the background
– a couple of security officers probably looking at porn. The earth spins
on its axis. Oxygen inflates my lungs and expands my chest. I put my elbows on
my knees and my head between my hands.

A tear falls from my eyes and lands
on my knee – then another and another – it looks like I’ve been
walking out in the rain.

The door to the precinct opens and
in walks my mother.

She stands in the doorway like she
doesn’t know what to do. Dad picked me up last time. Mom’s never been in the
precinct. She’s out of place in her pastel blue suit and matching pumps. Her
face is a cross between disappointment and sorrow. The sorrow is worse.

“Where’s Chloe?”

I shrug. My shoulders are the only
thing that moves. They go up and down, saying both nothing and everything at
the same time. “Not sure.”

The words sit, waiting for a
response.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.”

“Do I need to talk to anyone before
we leave?”

I look around. The only person in
the room is the receptionist who’s on the phone and filing her nails. The sound
scrapes the air. “No.”

“Great, let’s go. You can tell me
what happened on the way home.”

***

The world outside the car exists in
normalcy. That’s the way life is: everyone is doing something better than me.
More normal. Better prospects.

The people who are living in that
world aren’t returning from the police precinct.

I lean my head against the window
and watch the world race by. Mom takes a right and we drive over a bridge. It’s
boating season and the water is filled with boats that sail across the
sparkling water. I feel the bridge vibrate under the car.

I know where Chloe is.

And I need to hurry.

“Mom?”

“Yes, dear?” She doesn’t look at
me, instead her eyes fixate on the road.

“Can I borrow your car?”

Her lips purse. “I…. I don’t know
what I’d say to your farther.”

“Mom, please – it’s
important.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea...”

“Mom, I wouldn’t ask you if it
wasn’t important.”

She stares at the traffic in front
of us, like if she doesn’t speak the question will go away.

“Mom?”

“You need to be home before 8:00.
Your dad’s working late tonight. I need you home before he returns.”

She takes a right onto our street.
My leg bounces up and down on the floor. I need to get to the bridge before
it’s too late.

Chapter Thirty-Three

I text Chloe and she doesn’t answer.

I dial her number a hundred times.

I’ve tried so many times that my
phone feels hot.

Look,
I’m not going to call the cops.

Silence.

Where
r u?

Silence again.

Just
tell me where you are! I won’t tell anyone. Pinky promise.

Nothing.

I know she’s at the bridge. It’s
the only place she’d go. But I don’t want her to know I’m coming. I take the
exit off the Interstate and head her direction.

***

It’s the same and different. The
difference is the sick in my stomach. The acid trickling up my throat. The fact
that I know Chloe will jump. I know she will. I’ve known the whole time.

I spot Chloe’s red bug as soon as I
pull into the parking lot. I park Mom’s car next to hers and start running up
the sidewalk, towards the pedestrian walkway on the bridge.

She’s standing in the same old
spot, the same spot she’s always stood in, watching the sunset in the distance.
She doesn’t see me coming. I slow down when I see her safely on the sidewalk.
My lungs burn. My legs feel like needles are poking them from the outside. I
can’t remember the last time I exercised besides standing around the softball
field in gym. There are so many things over the past year I should have done
different.

I slow my pace and keep my eyes on
the stick figure with the baggy black t-shirt and unwashed hair. She didn’t
bring a purse. I’m certain she thought it wasn’t necessary.

Then she sees me and her body
stiffens. She takes a step back – closer to the edge of the bridge.

“Chloe? Please… come with me. Let’s
go home.”

She shakes her head but her whole
body shakes, like all her faults are moving and she’ll break apart in an
earthquake.

“Go away, Beckett.” Her words are a
whisper. I dared to get close enough to hear it.

Cars pass by us. No one stops.
We’re two high school girls going on a walk. That’s all we are… maybe we’re
fighting over a boy or over a rumor at school. Everyone has someplace to go,
too busy to pay us attention. Life is happening all around us. Traffic is
oblivious to the fact a life might end right here.

“Look… Chloe, please, let’s go.”

“No. Go away. You don’t want to see
this, Beckett.”

“Chloe!”

“I can’t… They’ll take me to jail.
Everyone hates me. I’ve ruined everything. I can’t go to jail. What will I do?
I’ll never get a job. There’s nothing left. This is all there is to it. It was
never meant to be.”

“Chloe – I don’t know how to
do this… I… I don’t know what to say. Don’t… please don’t do this.”

I reach out to grab her arm to pull
her away from the side of the bridge, but she’s too fast. She grabs the rail
and pulls herself over. Just like that, in less than a second she’s on the
other side.

Fate stands between the two of us.

I take in a sharp breath through my
nose. It fills like a million little needles are stabbing the insides of my
nostrils. The air smells like metal.

“Don’t – come – near
– me,” she hisses.

“Ah… you again!”

I spin around before I have a
chance to realize taking my eyes off Chloe is a mistake. It’s him: the troll
from under the bridge with his shopping cart filled with blankets and
newspapers. He’s skinnier than the last time – and dirtier – and
his eye looks worst. It looks so bad it’s almost silver. A silver circle that
reflects the light around us. The eye distracts me. He’s still holding that tin
car. He looks just like the troll.

I turn back to make sure Chloe is
still with us.

She’s gripping the edge of the
bridge and her arms are shaking. They look like noodles. Tears stream down her
face. I’m scared to get closer. I’m worried if I take a step closer she’ll
disappear.

I don’t know what to do.

And it’s weird because people who
have had near death experiences say your life flashes before your eyes. I never
heard it happens to you if it’s your best friend.

I see Chloe and I jumping on a
trampoline in her backyard. I see birthdays and balloons. I see those cork
heeled shoes of hers I wanted so bad. Chloe was always so cool. She was the
girl I always wanted to be – the better one between the two of us –
the one who was always more brave. The one who all the boys liked.

But she was also more dramatic.
Like when Bobby Finch unsnapped her bra in seventh grade and she refused to
come to school for a week. Or when she didn’t make cheer in eighth grade and
she boycotted all the basketball games.

Chloe feels deeper than I do.

It’s the type of thing that sends
her to the edge.

My body shakes so hard it vibrates.

“I don’t see why you two girls are
out here tonight.” The troll turns to Chloe. “You girls are in the wrong
place.”

“You don’t know anything,” Chloe
hisses back.

The troll walks closer. I notice he
walks with a limp. He pushes the shopping cart with one hand and holds the car
in the other.

“What do you mean I don’t know
anything? What is it do you think I don’t know? You’re the one who has a home
and an education. And you want to jump? You’re crazy. You should swing your leg
back over to this side and I’ll have your friend here call the funny farm to
come get you.”

Oh
God. This isn’t what Chloe needs to hear. I turn to the troll and
shake my head. He needs to stop. But he ignores me.

“You think you have it bad?” He
steps closer to her. “You ever sleep outside at night? You ever wake up to a
gun to your head or a knife to your throat? When was the last time you saw
someone in your family? Can you think of at least one person who cares about
you? Just one? I bet you can. I’m looking at one person right now.”

I look at the sidewalk. Cracks
surround us. The sidewalks are cracked and so are the three individuals
standing on the cement.

Cars stop. I see someone open the
driver’s door and start dialing on his cell phone. They might as well be on a
different planet.

“You have anything to say?” He gets
closer to the edge.

“Get away from me! Don’t come near
me!”

“Do you?”

He goes to the edge, about ten feet
from Chloe, and swings his leg over the side. His body is all shaky, like he
can barely hold himself up. He’s so skinny. And dirty. He pauses for a second
and then swings the other leg over. He’s gone to the other side. A person has
to want to come back once they’ve crossed over the edge.

“If you come any closer to me…
I’ll…” She looks around frantically. Her eyes bulge. She’s not alone anymore.
“I’ll jump if you come any closer. I swear to God I’ll do it.”

“Then I will too. If you jump… I’m
going with you.” His arms shake while he says it. He’s not as strong as Chloe.
His hand slips. He’s barely holding on.

It’s like I’m watching a slow
motion train wreck. I can see what’s about to happen, but I can’t stop it. But
there’s one thing I know for certain. Chloe will jump and I’m sure the troll
will too.

“Hey…”

The word falls on deaf ears. No one
is listening. Their minds have gone to a far away place where decisions are
made that can only be made on one’s own.

“There’s nothing so bad it would
send you over the edge.” The trolls voice is shaky. “All you have to do is go
back to the other side.”

Chloe’s face grows red. Sweat drips
down her face. Tears join the sweat. Her face is soaked.

“I can’t take it anymore. I can’t
take another day.”

“What’s so horrible?” The troll’s
voice is a whisper. He’s barely hanging on. I take a step his direction to help
him, but he shakes his head. He doesn’t want my help. If Chloe goes over the
side of the bridge, he’s going with her.

Chloe chokes in a deep breath.
“People won’t leave me alone. They won’t stop. I can’t do anything. Everywhere
I go…” Her body shakes. A couple of drops of rain drip from the sky. The
railing starts to gloss, it’s coated in tiny diamonds. I watch her fingers start
to slip.

But she’s not coming back.

“You can ignore what people say. It
doesn’t have to define you.”

“I just want it to go away.”

“Jumping’s not the solution. A girl
like you with your whole life ahead of you? This isn’t the way to go.”

Chloe starts to cry. She sounds
like an injured animal. It’s not a sound I’ve heard before. It’s not…  human.
Flashing lights reflect against the railing. From behind me the sound of
hurried footsteps fills my ears. I see men in uniforms running our direction.
The police may as well be in another dimension. Chloe’s going to let go before
anyone can help her – I’m sure of it.

“Miss, there’s nothing keeping me
here – but I keep staying. You never know when things are going to turn
around. Things could turn around tomorrow. That’s what I keep waiting for. If
you left now, you’d never know.”

Chloe shakes her head. Tears drip
down her face and fall to the cement with the rain.

“That kid from South Shore that
jumped off bridge a few months ago. I read in the paper that the following day
his school was set to announce he got the lead part in the school’s play. He
wanted to be an actor. He never found that out. Maybe it would’ve changed
something for him…” His voice is weak. I can tell he’s running out of energy.

“I can’t anymore.”

“Yes you can. All you have to do is
climb over to the other side.”

The animal sound gets worst. It’s
the sound of someone who wants to leave. A man appears by my side. He’s wearing
a uniform.

“That your friend?” he whispers
under his breath.

I nod.

“You think she’ll jump?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“We have a negotiator on the way.
She’ll be here any minute.”

The troll is the only hostage
negotiator we have now. “Pictures aren’t a reason to do this… A young girl like
you? This isn’t the way to go.”

Chloe’s body vibrates as her
fingers slip from the rail. The raindrops come down faster. The railing is
getting more slippery.

“I…” Chloe looks over at me. Her
face is terrified. She looks at the troll. She looks at the people on the
bridge. I can tell she can’t make up her mind. These are her final seconds.
With the rain coming down, she won’t be able to hold on much longer.

“Go back over,” the troll orders.

“I…” She pulls herself forward, but
she’s out of strength. “Help me…” She looks at me. Her expression scares me.
“Beckett, please? I can’t get over.”

I rush over to Chloe and the police
officer follows behind. “I’ll do it,” the policeman says before I have a chance
to help. He grabs Chloe’s arm and pulls her over. She gets to the sidewalk and
her legs are all wobbly. Her face stained with tears. She looks around like she
barely knows where she is.

“Don’t do that again,” I hiss at
her. My heart feels like it might beat out of my chest.

The policeman goes to the troll and
pulls him over. I look over my shoulder. He’s so frail. And I never realized
how young he looked before. His time on the streets is killing him.

“I didn’t need your help,” Chloe
lurches at the troll. She grabs an old Coke bottle that had been discarded on
the sidewalk, a bit of trash left behind. She rushes at him and cracks him
right over the head. “I don’t need you to tell me about my life. I would’ve
jumped. You should have let me go.”

He presses his hand over the wound,
but blood trickles out of the sides. He doesn’t say anything though. He doesn’t
even cry.

“Chloe!” I grab her arm.

A police officer comes over. For
the first time I notice that the road is lined with ambulances, fire trucks,
police officers. It’s like all of Seattle came to help.

“Well! I don’t need anyone’s help!”

A group of paramedics come our
direction. A couple go to the troll and a woman walks over to Chloe. I can tell
it’s the negotiator. She looks like she’s done this before. She approaches
Chloe and they begin to talk. The troll is taken over to an ambulance where a
paramedic looks at his eye. I stand in the middle of it all, knowing Chloe
isn’t the only person who needs to make a change.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Senior graduation happens minus Chloe Baker. She’s granted a
diploma and all. Somehow she completed enough classes to finish school. But she
misses the ceremony. According to the hospital where Chloe is staying, she’ll
be missing quite a few things this summer.

Every year North Lake High School
celebrates sending its newly minted graduates out into the world with an awards
ceremony. You know, those awards they give out at the end of senior year when
the world still seems small and you feel like you might make something of
yourself out there. It’s also a chance to show your parents where their tax
money has been going.

We pull up in front of the school
and Mom circles the parking lot looking for an empty spot.

“Do we have to do this?” I ask. I
want to just leave North Lake in the past. I’m not sure why everybody keeps
trying to torture me with it. But I know everyone is really interested in who’s
going to be named Most
Likely to Succeed, Miss Popularity, and, of course, North Lake’s Mom of the Year.

“Dear, I know how hard things are
for you right now, but if you skip out on the awards ceremony and your
graduation you will regret it later.”

I don’t say anything. She pulls
into a spot and we all get out.

North Lake’s Senior Year’s Ceremony
is a chance to dress up and get ready to be an adult. Guys in ill-fitted suits
walk towards the gymnasiums, white legs poke out underneath dresses, and cheap
plastic heels click against the asphalt parking lot. I count the steps as we
walk into the gym. One, two, three… We walk in silence.

I don’t have to say anything. Mom
heads to the very back of the gymnasium and takes a place in the last row. Cody
sits on one side and I sit on the other. All I want to do is make a quick
escape.

Principal Davis stands in front of
a gym filled with North Lake’s best. His end-of-the-year-speech is very: “We’ve prepared you for the
world, now go out and get them!”

Then it’s time for the awards. I
stare straight ahead as Principal Davis starts handing them out. I ignore the
constant stream of swiveling heads that keep turning my direction. I’m a freak
show. The person whose best friend tried to jump off a bridge.

I wonder if there’s an award for
the world’s most crappy friend?

Principal Davis starts reading the
names of the lucky winners:

Student
of the Year: Emma Chen.

Athlete
of the Year: Kale Fenton.

Miss
Popularity: Jennie Dunham.

The list goes on and on. No one
calls my name. I spent the year as a phantom at North Lake. But it’s probably a
good thing. I’m sure I don’t want the only kind of award I’m qualified for.

After the student awards come the
parent awards.

Sports
Mom of the Year: Elizabeth Fenton

Scholastic
Parent of the Year: Dick Larson

Mom taps her finger against her
leg. The room rustles. The moms around the gym suddenly get more interested in
what Principal Davis has to say.

North
Lake Mom of the Year: Sarah Dunham.

Mom claps her hands and watches
Mrs. Dunham walk up to the stage to receive her plaque. It’s the plaque my mom
has been striving for since I started at North Lake. I can’t believe I ruined
the one thing Mom always wanted.

My mom’s been all cookies and
cupcakes and carpools my whole life.

I reach over and put my arm around
her. “You’re a great mom,” I whisper in her ear.

She nods her head and smiles. It’s
the first smile I’ve seen all day. “Thanks, dear. That’s all I need to hear. My
children are what matter to me the most.”

Principal Davis continues handing
out awards to the steady stream of recipients.

***

On the way out to the car I keep my
head down and push my way through the crowd without making eye contact with a
soul. Mom was wrong about one thing: I could have missed the whole stupid award
ceremony and not felt bad about it at all.

We’re almost to the car when I hear
my name. “Beckett!” I recognize the familiar voice and decide to keep walking.
“Beckett! Wait up.”

My mom stops and turns to me. “You
should talk to him.”

“I don’t want to,” I say without
stopping.

The owner of the voice catches up
with my family.

“Nice to see you, Kale,” Mom says.
She gives me a look and I stop.

“Hi, Mrs. Smith, hey, Cody…” For
the first time ever, Kale looks unsure of himself standing there in front of
us. He gives me a soft smile. I can’t meet his gaze so I just stare at the
ground. “Beckett, please, just a minute.”

Mom starts off with Cody. I want to
follow her but Kale grabs my arm – I pull it away. “Fine,” I mutter.

Once Mom is out of earshot he
starts, “I… You should know it was Court’s idea to send those photos. He sent
them before I could stop him…” A long pause follows. It’s like he wants me to
say something. Like he’s waiting for it to be that easy and I’ll forgive him
and he can just let it be a bad memory. Like all he has to say is sorry and
magic makes it all better. But life doesn’t quite work that way. “Beckett, I’m
really sorry. I wanted to tell you earlier and I couldn’t. I don’t know why.”

I shift my weight back and forth
from foot to foot. I think back to a year ago at the end of junior year. How
different everything was. If only there was a way I could turn back the clock.
Then I could do everything different. I could be a better friend. I wouldn’t
put a dumb guy in front of a friend.

“Beckett, please say something.”

I feel tears in my eyes. They start
falling from my face and land on the sidewalk. I’m raining.

I shrug. “I don’t know what to say.
But I don’t think we should be friends anymore. I think that would be better.”

He’s surprised. It shows in his
eyes. But it doesn’t take long to accept it. Maybe he’s known it the whole
time.

“Okay.” Then he reaches over and
gives me a hug and we go our separate ways.

Chapter Thirty-Five

There’s just one more thing I need to do before school
starts. I changed my mind about Arizona and decided on WSU: it will keep me in
Washington, close to my family but still far enough away that it will give me
some space.

Space is what I need – a
place where I can start over – a place where I can forget about the
bridge.

And the jumpers.

Chloe’s ‘resting.’ That’s how her
mom refers to the mental health facility where Chloe is spending the summer.
She’s allowed visitors on Friday. I went to see her. It’s hard to have a
conversation with someone who got so close to the edge.

But I did make her one promise and
right now I’m following through.

The funny thing about life is it
moves along without you. Whether you are there or not the earth spins and makes
its trek around the sun. You can join the trip or make an exit.

You take your chances on what
happens on the other side.

I park in the regular spot by the
bridge. It’s a normal Seattle day: gray skies, a breeze, rain dripping from the
sky. It could be any day.

I hug the edge of the sidewalk. Traffic
races by, kicking up mud from the puddles that have accumulated along the road.
A car honks. The sound screams in my ear and I jump farther away from the road
as traffic races by.

The Freemont Troll sits alone under
the bridge. My eyes search for his doppelganger, but he’s not around. The troll
and I are alone under the bridge. I remember coming here with Chloe and sitting
on his outreached hand.

I should have done more to help.
She unraveled in front of me and all I could do was watch. I should have talked
to Mom. I should have gone to the school counselor. Anything would have been
better than hanging out with her at the bridge and ignoring her in the
cafeteria.

I approach the troll. He’s got a
chip of cement missing right above his hubcap eye. I crawl up his hand and sit
down. Traffic races by overhead. The bridge shakes above me. Visions of an
earthquake and cement tumbling down on my head creep into my thoughts. It
should scare me more than it does.

“Hey!”

I jump. My heart leaps up into my
throat, beating a million miles a minute.

I look over my shoulder. A woman in
a long black coat with socks on her hands and a shopping cart filled with
newspapers gives me a warning look. Her right cheek is covered with dried mud,
like she slept on the ground and hadn’t bothered to wash off her face when she
woke up.

I step down from the troll’s hand.
“Hi.”

“What are you doing down here?
You’re in my home. Get lost before I call the police.”

I give her a curious look. The
police don’t enable people who live on the streets. If they find out she lives
here they’ll take her to a shelter.

“I’m leaving. I was just going for
a walk.” This seems to satisfy her. She takes a flashlight out of her shopping
cart. She pushes a button to try to turn it on, but nothing happens. I watch
her try to light up the world around us. “Can I ask you something?”

“If you promise to leave after you
do. I don’t like anybody invading my space,” she growls at me.

“There’s a guy who hangs out down
here. Have you seen him? I need to thank him for something.”

“Girl… I don’t know what you
talking about. I’m the only person living under the bridge.”

“But I’ve seen him several times. I
think he sleeps down here. He’s got brown hair and a bad eye.”

“The only person down here with a
bad eye is the troll. He’s down here all the time, creeping people out and
keeping watch over the poor souls who want to jump off that damn bridge. Can’t
wait for them to put up that damn fence they keep talking about.”

I look around the underbelly of the
bridge. There’s no sign of anyone but the woman and the Freemont Troll.

“You sure there isn’t a guy with a
glass eye that hangs out around here?”

“I ain’t seen no one like that down
here lady. Now you get to leaving before I chase you out of here.”

I hesitate. I want to say something
more. I look at the Freemont Troll. Someone has definitely taken a chunk out of
the top of his eye. I look at the woman one last time. She isn’t going to let
me stay any longer. A breeze kicks up and brushes my hair away from my face. I
look around and see things clearly for once.

“Thanks for keeping watch,” I
mutter under my breath to the troll. Then I turn and walk back to my car.

And I know I won’t be back.

As I leave, feel someone watching
me. I look over my shoulder and the troll’s eye glitters in the night.

And I swear he winks.