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In Memory of Divine

Credit sequence.

Shot of skyline of Baltimore. Fifteen years later.

Cut to close-up of highway sign—“Baltimore 10 miles.” Camera pans to Greyhound bus zooming by en route.

Tracking shot of front of Greyhound bus with destination: “Baltimore.”

Interior bus—wide shot. Sailors, bums, assorted lowlife.

Camera glides up aisle to lavatory door. It opens to reveal Divine exiting. She looks astonishing in garish traveling outfit, huge sunglasses, and scarf over hairdo. She sashays down aisle, oblivious to glares from passengers, and stops to sign autograph for tough black hoodlum. She takes her seat and takes out huge compact, removing scarf to reveal bizarre hairdo. She also takes off sunglasses to check elaborate eye makeup. Satisfied, she smiles to herself and looks out window.

Camera pans over to Divine’s sixty-five-year-old mother, Edie, in next seat, dressed as a baby sucking a baby bottle. She looks ridiculously happy and out of it until she spots a soldier eating a hard-boiled egg, which throws her into a panicked trauma. Divine comforts her as camera glides one row forward to reveal Cotton II, a striking, but somewhat vacant, blond beauty. She intently watches a male passenger across the aisle who is reading Playboy. She is voyeuristically turned on as she watchs his crotch, but he glances up, sees her, and shifts in embarrassment. Unfazed, Cotton II goes back to reading male nude magazine. Camera pans over to Crackers II, who is reading Violent World Magazine as Duane, an intense little boy with thick glasses, sits on his lap. Crackers II is a rough but very handsome hillbilly. Duane is about eight years old and is dressed in ridiculous bad drag. He is happily teasing the hair of a woman’s wig he holds in his lap. Finishing the hairdo, he shows it to Crackers II, who helps Duane slip on the wig. Passengers glare in disgust. Duane models the wig happily and Crackers II hugs the happy child.

Shot of sign—“Welcome to Baltimore, Your Charm City”—as Greyhound bus passes by.

Wide shot of Greyhound bus station. Usual poverty-stricken crowd is waiting for arriving bus. Sticking out like a sore thumb is the small pack of Divine groupies who are waiting with placards—“Welcome Home Filthiest,” “15 Long Years,” “We Are Filth,” “Divine is God.” They all wear tattooed F’s on foreheads. They are: Bambi, a sexy Charo-type hillbilly; Inez, a beautiful tall fanatic; Irma, a bizarre high-fashion model; Doyle, a middle-aged, overly dressed Liberace type; and Wiffle and Waffle, two exhibitionist musclemen. The bus pulls in and groupies are wild with excitement. Bus door opens and passengers disembark and look confused at sight of groupies, who have pushed to the front of awaiting crowd. Finally Crackers II gets off, holding Duane. Groupies cheer, get his autograph, and touch him like some sort of god. Cotton II follows and Wiffle and Waffle start wildly tearing off their shirts and posing for her as she smiles in delight. Finally Divine exits from bus, struggling with Mama Edie on her back in baby backpack. Groupies go wild, falling to ground. Inez rushes offscreen and comes back with giant baby stroller and groupies struggle to put Edie in it. Filth entourage is led out of bus station by Bambi, who throws dead mackerels from a bucket to a stunned crowd of onlookers. Shot of filth family being led to extremely souped-up Cadillac convertible with F-I-L-T-H vanity plates. Crackers II is handed the keys and Edie is placed in a giant baby seat with steering wheel in front seat. Cotton II rides shotgun as Divine sits regally in backseat. Groupies pile in another gaudy car and beckon them to follow. Cavalcade pulls off.

Dissolve to cavalcade cruising down street in slum neighborhood. Beggars, whores, and convicts rush from their homes, falling to their knees as Divine blesses them and throws kisses.

Dissolve to cavalcade riding through country. Car slows up and Divine blows a kiss to a cow. The cow looks up and runs.

Cavalcade drives on, turning down dirt road with signs “Private Property—Keep Out,” “No Assholes Allowed.”

End of credits.

Shot of insane, multicolored, outlandish version of child’s tree fort with large deluxe store-bought swimming pool below it.

Shot of Divine’s face, awed at her new hideaway. All pile out of cars, marveling at the beauty of their new home.

BAMBI From the filth followers all over the world—here it is! Your new hideaway!

DIVINE It’s absolutely PERFECT! I owe so much to you groupies; you who wear the F sign of filth on your foreheads for the whole world to see. Your work will not go unrewarded, I promise you!

Groupies oooohh and ahhh in excitement.

INEZ (Proudly) Would you like to see the interior?

DIVINE I’m waiting with bated breath, Inez.

DOYLE This way, Madam Divine.

Groupies lead Divine and family to a rickety elevator at base of tree. The elevator rises to interior of tree fort.

Interior living room, a fantastic set, decorated in the most garish and hilarious way possible. They all enter.

DIVINE Ooooooohhh! It’s beautiful.

COTTON II So tasteful!

CRACKERS II So luxurious!

IRMA If I may point out, the living room offers complete video surveillance …

Shot of scanning video camera in corner of ceiling.

IRMA … and playback system in case you and your family may want to review an especially stylish moment in your lives.

COTTON II Are there any adult-oriented tapes available?

WIFFLE This way, Miss Cotton II.

Wiffle and Waffle lead Cotton II into her bedroom, which is decorated with lurid male beefcake posters. A videotape machine and huge stack of male magazines and tapes is beside it. A single bed, lavishly made up, is the only furniture.

WAFFLE (Pointing to porno) Every known male tape and magazine on the market, ma’am.

COTTON II (Excited, turned on) Thank you … these are my boyfriends, you know. I meet them in pornographic magazines and videotapes and they live way deep in my brain … ready to take me out on dates whenever I need them. (Looking through magazines)

WIFFLE Would you like a little show?

WAFFLE (Flexing) That’s what we’re here for, you know.

COTTON II (Wildly putting on tapes) No! Thank you anyway. I’ll take a raincheck.… If … if I could be alone for a few minutes.…

Cut to Doyle and Divine pushing Edie in carriage into ridiculous, oversized nursery—huge Bathinette, bouncy chair, and one-sided baby crib, à la Baby Doll. Divine and Doyle struggle to lift her into crib. She whimpers and begins sucking her thumb.

DOYLE (Looking at Edie, adoringly) Such a lovely woman.… Such a legend.

DIVINE Ever since her divorce from the Eggman, her IQ has dropped to a low two figures. We hope that the move back to Baltimore will return her to her full intellectual capacity.

DOYLE Great one, I am Mama Edie’s top groupie in the world. I intend to fill her every moment with happiness.

DIVINE Show her your love, Doyle, and show it unashamedly. She is a vast woman and her needs are monumental.

Cut to Crackers II being led by Bambi into his murder playroom. Guillotines, chainsaws, and drills are on torture rack. Life-sized blowup dolls are sitting in chairs in dungeonlike room.

CRACKERS II (Calling out) Look at this, Mama!

Divine enters.

DIVINE Your own little playroom, Crackers!

CRACKERS II Oh God, Mama! A murder workshop! I can mutilate every single day! Morning—drill. (Turns it on) Afternoon—a chainsaw. (Buzzes it) … And evening—a blowtorch. (Lights it)

Duane enters in a panic.

DUANE Mommy … Daddy … where are my pretty dresses?

BAMBI If I may be so bold—the drag center is right off the master bedroom. This way, little Duane.

Bambi takes Duane’s hand and leads him to tiny drag center. Divine and Crackers II follow and peer lovingly through doorway. Little makeup table, frilly decorations, racks of dresses, little-girl shoes, and in-scale ladies’ hats. Duane is wild with joy, jumping on bed, trying on stupid hats, and struggling into frilly dresses. He peers into mirror, smears on lipstick, and turns to Divine, Crackers II, and Bambi.

DUANE (Deadpan) Snakes, snails, and puppy dogs’ tails. That’s what little boys are made of.

Crackers II and Divine rush to embrace him.

DIVINE We’re going to be such a happy family here.… (Turning coyly to Crackers II) But Crackers II, my love … have you forgotten? We haven’t seen our bedroom yet.

CRACKERS II (Holding his crotch) Oh, Mama, Mama!

BAMBI This way, Your Fabulousness.

Bambi, Divine, and Crackers II enter lavish master bedroom, with circular bed, mirrors, wild fabrics.

DIVINE (Grabbing him) Oh, my son, here is where we will fornicate in defiance of all natural laws. Here is where you will penetrate my motherhood so my M-spot quivers in ecstasy like a tuning fork.

Shot of Bambi, embarrassed to be present, looking disgusted.

CRACKERS II Oh, my mother, my wife, my eternal fleshpot.

They begin to embrace but Irma rushes in.

IRMA Excuse me, we’ve taken the liberty of kidnapping two journalists and bringing them here blindfolded. We thought a poolside press conference might be called for on this historic occasion of your return to Baltimore.

DIVINE (Perking up. Primping excitedly) The press? Already?

Cut to reporters being let out of trunk of the car by Wiffle and Waffle. Both reporters are handcuffed and wear black hoods.

AP Christ, what a way to get a story.

UPI UPI is never going to believe me.

AP Count your blessings. I covered Beirut and this is a picnic compared to that.

Reporters are led to poolside. Hoods and cuffs are removed. They rub their eyes and stretch.

INEZ (From tree fort) Gentlemen of the pencil press, get ready. I’m thrilled and proud to introduce the diva of your deadlines, the wow of the wire services, the high priestess of print, herself—The Filthiest Person Alive—DIVINE!

Shot of Divine descending on elevator in tiny leopard bikini. She poses wildly and reporters snap photos. Divine runs to poolside and does a huge cannonball. She surfaces exhibitionistically.

DIVINE Questions and answers!

UPI Phil Berkin, UPI. Why have you returned to Baltimore?

DIVINE (Doing the breaststroke) To live in harmony with my family and to work on my new book, tentatively entitled Memoirs of a Goddess. Get the title correctly, Mr. Berkin, and don’t forget to SYNDICATE it!

Divine submerges in pool and we see her underwater, posing and swimming wildly. Divine shoots above water and begins doing militant butterfly stroke over to groupies by side of pool.

DIVINE Why is the European press not represented here? WHY, I ask?!

Groupies beg forgiveness. Doyle starts flogging himself.

AP Chris Como, Associated Press. Any men in your life?

DIVINE (Treading water with hands raised) There is only one man in my life—my husband, Crackers II, who you may remember is also my son.

UPI (Appalled) You’re talking about incest?

DIVINE (Doing backstroke) I cannot begin to describe to you the genealogical miracle of producing a grandchild in my own little oven.

UPI Is the kid retarded?

DIVINE (Doing sidestroke) Another bourgeois myth handed down by generations of charlatans in the American Medical Association. My child is living proof of a new strain of heterosexuality.

AP On a lighter note, it looks like you’ve put on some weight.

DIVINE (Snapping fingers as Bambi puts a piece of pie on small motorized serving tray and aims it toward Divine) There is so much food, Mr. Como, and so little time.

Divine submerges with pie. Underwater we see her eat it. She comes up wiping her mouth.

DIVINE Give me more questions and I’ll give you more answers!

UPI Didn’t you eat dog shit once for publicity?

DIVINE (Climbing out of pool) Ah, UPI remembers my humble beginnings. A girl has to start somewhere, Mr. Berkin. I was a mere pebble of filth in the old days. But that pebble grew into a rock. And that rock kept on rolling through the sewers of society until it became a boulder. I guarantee you that boulder has become an AVALANCHE.

She shakes her body dry as reporters are soaked.

AP Where have you been for fifteen years?

DIVINE (Now posing on diving board) We lived in gas-station lavatories in Boise, Idaho, until my fans discovered me and refused to let me live unnoticed. With the help of those troops I opened a string of day-care centers for the children of armed robbers. But in my maturity, my autumn years, if you will, I have decided to give up this charity work and live like all world leaders, financially secure, surrounded by zombie worship and bathed in the constant glare of publicity.

Groupies have wheeled over fireworks display and light fuses. Divine models wildly for press on diving board as fireworks light up “WELCOME HOME DIVINE.” Slow fade-out.

Slow fade-in to Venninger house—Victorian minimansion with sign: “Venninger Funeral Home.” Camera slowly zooms to upstairs window.

Dissolve to Vera Venninger seated in front of dressing table, staring as if in a trance. She is evilly and severely made up, overdressed, and appears every inch the villainess.

VERA Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the filthiest of them all? (No response) Mirror, mirror on the wall! Who’s the filthiest of them all? (No response) DAMN IT! COME IN! MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL! WHO’S THE FILTHIEST OF THEM ALL?

Connie Marble’s face fades in to mirror surrounded in flames. She has bright red hair and wears harlequin glasses.

CONNIE You are, Vera! You are the filthiest person alive!

VERA Oh, Connie, I will avenge your death!

CONNIE Vera, my sister, only you, my flesh and blood, can claim the title of filthiest! STOP DIVINE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! I’M BURNING IN HELL BECAUSE OF HER!

Flames consume her and image fades out.

VERA Connie, come back! Come back, my filthiest! (No response) (She gets up in huff and gets large-sized home-made Divine devil doll) I’ll get you, Divine, and your retarded little family too! (Sticking pins into it) Welcome home, Divine! Welcome home, YOU FAT PIG!

Cut to shot of Vera’s husband, Wilbur Venninger, ghoulishly handsome, formally attired funeral director, in his basement parlor, talking to two clients.

WILBUR (Pointing to casket) Believe me, this is the cheapest casket you’re going to find.

MRS. ASHBURN (Without blinking) We’ll take it.

MR. ASHBURN We’re trying to keep the expense to a bare minimum.

WILBUR Naturally—that’s our specialty here at Venninger’s. Cheapo funerals for the relatives that got on your nerves.

MRS. ASHBURN Oh, she was a bitch all right.

WILBUR (Grabbing clipboard) Let’s get the red tape out of the way. (To Mrs. Ashburn) What did you say your mother’s name was?

MR. ASHBURN Hilda Helinski. Royal pain in the ass.

We hear Vera’s voice booming through intercom system.

VERA Wilbur! Wilbur!

WILBUR If you’ll excuse me for a second. (He approaches intercom system and flicks on switch) Yes, my love?

Shot of Vera upstairs speaking into intercom.

VERA My groupie is supposed to be here any second. And we have business to take care of in case you forgot!

Cut back to Wilbur.

WILBUR I’m with some customers.

VERA That’s all you ever think about! Your dead little things! You morgue rat!

Shot of Ashburns looking puzzled.

WILBUR Be right up, dear. (Clicking off) (To Ashburns) Sorry for the interruption. That’s my wife. Sometimes she gets lonely at the top.

MR. ASHBURN (Confused) Who’s your wife?

WILBUR Miss Vera Venninger.

MRS. ASHBURN I never heard of her.

MR. ASHBURN Me either.

WILBUR (Proudly) She’s the filthiest person alive!

Ashburns look confused and shrug.

MR. ASHBURN See you at the service, Mr. Venninger. (Starts to exit)

WILBUR Wilbur to you, folks.

MRS. ASHBURN Just remember, Wilbur, no frills! (They exit)

Wilbur rubs his hands together excitedly and approaches trash can and takes off lid to reveal Hilda Helinski’s corpse. He slams lid back on and starts playing peek-a-boo with head, laughing insanely.

Cut to shot of Vera Venninger unlocking huge padlock on attic dungeon door.

Shot of Tracy and Jimmy, two zombied-out seven-year-olds clutching each other on filthy mattresses in kiddie dungeon. Both wear cute school outfits, now tattered and torn.

VERA (Struggling with lock) Hot buttered beans come to supper! (She enters) Good afternoon, my filthy little children.

TRACY & JIMMY (Slavishly) Good afternoon, Mrs. Venninger.

TRACY Mrs. Venninger, I feel sick.

JIMMY It’s that stuff in the needles you give us.

VERA I told you all filthy little children take heroin and love it! Doesn’t anybody appreciate anything I do for them? I give you all the candy you could possibly eat.

JIMMY My teeth hurt.

TRACY I want to go to the dentist.

VERA You never have to take baths and are forbidden to wash behind your ears!

TRACY But I itch!

JIMMY I stink!

TRACY I want to go to Bible school.

VERA Complain. Complain. Complain. I’ve been in this room for at least thirty seconds and has either one of you lit up a cigarette?

Tracy and Jimmy obediently take out cigarettes and light them, coughing.

TRACY But we’re going to get cancer!

VERA Inhale, Tracy. Take it deep into your lungs. Go ahead, Jimmy, hot-box it!

Both inhale deeply and cough.

VERA That’s better! Today is your first big test, you know. A young groupie is coming over today who happens to think I am the cat’s meow. I plan on showing you off. If I were you, I’d be on my worst behavior!

JIMMY We’ll say what you tell us, Mrs. Venninger. But then, can we go home?

TRACY We won’t tell anybody you stole us!

VERA I told you to stop nagging me about home! Any more of this crybaby sniveling and I’ll make you go cold turkey!

JIMMY (Shivering) What’s cold turkey?

TRACY (Optimistic) Are we gonna get pets? (Crying) I want my mommy!

VERA (Taking out hypo needle and holding it up) Here’s your mommy, little Tracy.

TRACY Oh, please, not the needle again!

VERA (Approaching her) (Mimicking her voice) Not the needle again. I want my mommy. I want my mommy.

JIMMY (Eyes lighting up, licking lips) Me first, Mrs. Venninger. Please give it to me first.

Cut back to Wilbur, who has removed Mrs. Helinski’s corpse to an upright seated position. He has his arm around her, reading aloud a book of love sonnets as he cuddles her and pecks her cheek with kisses. Doorbell is heard. Wilbur pats her head and exits to answer.

Outside, a nervous Bambi is ringing the bell and looking over shoulder. Wilbur answers.

WILBUR Come in, Bambi.

Interior Venninger living room.

BAMBI I hope I’m not late. I came as soon as I could get away. They think I’m out delivering press releases.

WILBUR Good work, Bambi. Can I get you something to eat? Are you by any chance a braunschweiger enthusiast? We have some. Fresh from the market!

BAMBI No thank you, I had some delicious scrapple earlier.

WILBUR Have a seat. (Calling upstairs) Oh, Vera, your number one groupie is here!

VERA (Calling down) Tell her I’m about ready to make my grand entrance.

WILBUR (To Bambi) Ladies and gentlemen! Miss Vera Venninger.

Vera comes down steps in affected entrance. Bambi applauds enthusiastically and rushes over, bends down, and kisses her feet.

BAMBI Mrs. Venninger, I wear the F sign of filth only for you. (On knees) Others have allowed themselves to be brainwashed by Divine’s egomaniacal behavior but I recognize the true leader of the filth movement to be you and only you.

VERA Fear not, my disciple. Off your knees! (Bambi rises) My husband and I take the responsibility of filth seriously. With the help of your excellent espionage work, Divine will be humiliated and finally EXTERMINATED!

BAMBI Amen! Amen!

VERA Now, you must meet the little lost children. I’m quite proud of my youthful rehabilitation program. (Flicks on loudspeaker) Okay, brats! Get down here, double time!

Tracy and Jimmy enter looking doped up but still shy.

VERA This is Bambi, my children. Go ahead, you know what to do.

JIMMY (As in a child’s recital. Takes bow) I hate my stupid parents and one day I’m going to burn down their house. I want to be a mass murderer when I grow up.… I … (He forgets his lines and looks at Vera for prompting. She points to her eyeballs) Oh, yes, I want to shoot heroin in my eyeballs! (He bows and everyone politely applauds)

VERA That was lovely, Jimmy. Tracy, all ready?

TRACY I can’t wait to be a teen-ager so I can get my driver’s license and become a drunk driver! I want to get every social disease so I can spread it to minority groups as soon as they get laid off their jobs. More than anything, I hope nuclear war breaks out!

Everyone applauds.

VERA Charming, Tracy, just charming. Now I want you both to run along upstairs and play with your needles.

They rush out.

VERA (To Bambi) Isn’t child rearing satisfying?

BAMBI I’m awed at the good work you’re doing here, Mrs. Venninger.

VERA (Suddenly rising) I’m afraid I cannot donate another second of my busy filth schedule, Bambi. I want you to immediately return to Divine’s and let us know the instant she leaves her house. We have a little surprise for her, don’t we, Wilbur?

WILBUR (Eyes lighting up) Phase one, Vera?

VERA The Elimination of Divine!

Wipe shot to Wilbur and Vera driving in big black limousine. Vera sits in the back as Wilbur drives.

VERA Turn left here. (Checking watch) Three-thirty. School will just be letting out. All we need is one more child, Wilbur, and the Children’s Crusade will be ready for ACTION!

Shot of school kids happily leaving school. Limousine pulls up to corner where kids are jumping rope.

Shot of Vera evilly peering out window. One kid says good-bye to chums and starts skipping up the street. Evil soundtrack as Venninger car creeps up street tracking Kid. Vera’s window comes down.

VERA Hi!

Kid glances up, looks nervous and walks quicker.

VERA What’s your name?

KID (Not looking at her) Larry.

VERA Larry, how do you like this car?

KID (Still walking, glances at it nervously) It’s neat.

VERA I have a secret to tell you.

KID I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.

VERA You don’t want to know my secret?

KID (Stops. Curious) What is it?

VERA (Whispers) I know where E.T. is.

KID (Excited) He’s here?!

VERA Yes.… Would you like to meet him? He’s feeling awfully lonely.

KID (Excited) You really know where E.T. is?!

VERA Yes, come on, get in. He sent me out to look for friends.

KID (Looking around, unsure) Will you get me home in time for dinner?

VERA Of course.… Your parents will never even know.

Kid jumps in car.

Suddenly all the door locks go down automatically.

VERA (Changing diabolically) WE’LL SEE WHO’S THE FILTHIEST PERSON ALIVE, LITTLE LARRY, WE’LL JUST SEE!!

Shot of horrified Kid trying to get out as Vera grabs him and handcuffs him to door handle.

Exterior shot as limo peels out.

Evening.

Cut to shot of Divine sitting in master bedroom with Duane in her lap. Divine is putting on final touch of his eye makeup. Divine wears large Kleenex boxes for shoes.

DIVINE There. All finished. Now, Grandmommy has to get to work on her book, honey.

DUANE (Pleading) I’ll be good. Just let me stay in your lap.

Divine pets him and reaches for tape recorder. She flicks it on.

DIVINE Testing 1-2-3-4. (Plays it back) “Testing 1-2-3-4.” Memoirs of a Goddess. Chapter One. “Roots of Filth.” Like most goddesses, I was born in humble surroundings. Little did my parents know that their newborn, weighing in at a rather impressive eighteen pounds, would grow up to be internationally celebrated for her beauty, style, and fashion flair. (Plays it back) “… beauty, style, and fashion flair.” (Tapes again) Correction. Beauty, style, motherhood, and fashion flair.

Duane smiles and cuddles up to her.

Cut to Crackers II in his murder playroom, hiding behind chair with knife as he watches two blowup dummies sitting in front of cardboard box with TV screen crudely drawn on it.

CRACKERS II The crazed psychopath has escaped from the mental institution and he has but one thing on his mind—SPLATTER! (He sneaks up on dummies) The people are so preoccupied with television they don’t even hear him enter the house. (Crackers II puts Alka-Seltzer in mouth and slurps it around, making foam) Foaming at the mouth, he springs into action! Okay, you two, stay right where you are! (Imitating couple and jumping back and forth in different roles) “Please don’t hurt my TV set!” “Have mercy on our souls!” The maniac has flashbacks to all the television violence he saw as a child. Unable to control his urge to kill, he ignores the victims’ pleas and begins a whirlwind of carnage! AHA! (He stabs dummies, pours ketchup into weird machine he has built that pumps fake blood) Oh, God! No, no, no! (Switching roles) How about the chainsaw? (Turns it on and begins cutting up dummies) NOOoooo! (Puts steak and liver into meat grinder and turns handle as other ridiculous machine pours guts out) (Crackers II goes wild, jumping back and forth laughing hysterically)

Cut to shot of Cotton II, sitting on bed in beautiful loungewear. She is voyeuristically ecstatic as Wiffle and Waffle slowly do striptease.

WIFFLE Next comes the shirt, Miss Cotton II.

COTTON II (Panting) Yes … yes. Slowly, Wiffle. Waffle! Flex those pecs.

Wiffle and Waffle pose in all sorts of ludicrous ways.

WAFFLE I work out just for you. You’re the only person that sees my muscles.

COTTON II (Thrashing on bed, hiding her face with pillow, then looking up wilder) Yes … I know, I know. Be careful not to brush up against me. (Frustrated, she picks up porno magazine and starts frantically turning the pages, then throws it down) Damn this porno! It’s all used up! There’s nothing more frustrating than USED porno!

WIFFLE How about this, Miss Cotton II!

They begin wrestling.

COTTON II Yes! Go! Go! Go! Let me see the inside of your thighs! (Impatiently) Take those goddamn pants off! (They do. One wears jock, the other Jockey shorts) Oh, God, I’m getting ready! Get me my voyeur booth!

Wiffle and Waffle rush to closet and bring out specially made voyeur booth. It is large cardboard box, festively decorated, that slips over Cotton II’s entire body, except feet. It features a windshield and wipers. She struggles and is helped into it, moaning in pleasure.

Wiffle and Waffle do finals of exhibitionist poses as Cotton II staggers around room in climax. Booth steams up and windshield wipers go on.

Cotton II collapses in faint.

Voyeur booth topples over.

Cut to Edie on Bathinette in nursery as Doyle pins on her diaper and slips on rubber pants over top.

Edie is gurgling happily.

DOYLE There we go. All cleaned up. Would little Edie like to get in the bouncy chair? (Edie nods and gurgles excitedly) I thought you would! (She gets in oversized bouncy chair and starts bouncing) Fun, isn’t it? Yes, poor little Edie’s had a rough time, hasn’t she? But she’s gonna be all better soon. (Edie gurgles) Would you like me to read to you? (Edie bounces faster and nods) (Doyle returns with big book) How about this? The Story of Communism. “In 1848 Karl Marx published ‘The Communist Manifesto.’” (Edie looks excited, eager) “There were three fundamental ideas in this work.” (Edie holds up three fingers) That’s right, Edie! Three! You’re doing great, old girl! “Number one: Class struggle can only be ended by the victory of the working class.” (Edie soberly makes struggling motions and then raises arms in victory) That’s fabulous, Edie. You understood! “Number two: The working class will and must become the ruling class.” (Edie wildly applauds and almost bounces out of her chair) Amazing! “… And, finally, there can be no half measures. WORKERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!” (Edie goes wild, bouncing, applauding, weeping in victory) (Doyle hugs her) You’re gonna be all right, Edie. Forget those eggs, you’re gonna be a Communist!

Cut to Divine continuing her memoirs. Duane is fast asleep in her lap.

DIVINE (Into microphone) To the outside world, my parents were normal people. But their unwholesome obsession with cleanliness made my life as a little girl unmitigated hell. For all appearances, my mother was a normal housewife, but her house could never be clean enough.

Flashback shot. Divine’s memoirs continue as voiceover. We see Chesty, Divine’s mother, dressed in bra and toreador pants as she scrubs the kitchen floor. She has the largest breasts on earth.

DIVINE … My father was a butcher by trade and he, too, was consumed by a phobia against dirt.

Shot of Tubby, Divine’s father, the ultimate low-rent Vegas type. He is furiously vacuuming the furniture.

DIVINE … I longed for a normal childhood, but my parents could not let me be.

Shot of Baby Divine, a plump little girl trying to read the book The Three Pigs as she sits uncomfortably dressed in overstarched party dress.

Chesty and Tubby eye her with fury as they continue to clean.

DIVINE … My skin was raw from the starch my mother insisted on putting in my dresses. I had to wash my hair every hour on the hour.

Shot of Chesty violently washing Baby Divine’s hair in bubble bath as Baby Divine screams.

DIVINE … And brush my teeth fifty times a day.

Shot of Tubby holding Baby Divine by force as he painfully brushes her teeth.

DIVINE (Miserably) … My parents were The Cleanest People Alive …

Shot of Baby Divine reading contently as Tubby and Chesty sneak up on her with vacuum cleaner and scrub bucket.

DIVINE … and their cleanliness abuse was cruel and never-ending.

Shot of Tubby attacking Baby Divine by vacuuming her. Chesty grabs her also and begins scrubbing her with Mr. Clean and scrub brush. Baby Divine screams in horror.

DIVINE … Finally my parents decided I was too filthy to live in their house. They concealed me in a trash can and dropped me on the doorstep of a total stranger and I became … an orphan.

Shot of Chesty and Tubby lugging garbage can down slum street. They leave it on step.

DIVINE … They didn’t even bid their only child farewell, but instead left me with one final indignity—a sign that read “Wash Me.”

Tubby pins the sign to trash can and rings bell. They both run away.

DIVINE … As fate would have it, a wonderful woman opened that door. A woman that would adopt me and become the real mother I never had.

Shot of Edie, with teeth, looking glamorous, coming to door, seeing trash can, opening it, and embracing Baby Divine.

Cut back to Divine in bedroom breaking down, sobbing at this memory. Suddenly a red sign saying “F-O-O-D” starts blinking on and off on bedroom wall. She jumps up excitedly, pulling herself together.

DIVINE Oh … calories! (Exits hurriedly)

Wide shot of dinner table with Cotton II and Crackers II at table and Edie being placed in highchair. Wiffle, Waffle, and Irma gather around excitedly to watch them eat. Divine clomps in still wearing Kleenex boxes on feet, with Duane, and takes her place at head of the table.

DIVINE Doesn’t it feel fabulous to be home again?

CRACKERS II Oh, Mama, Baltimore is best.

COTTON II All I can say is that I’m feeling much more relaxed. Wiffle and Waffle gave me quite a workout this morning. My eyeballs are simply scorched.

Inez serves turkey.

DIVINE That’s wonderful, Cotton II. Pass the Hershey sauce, Crackers II. (He does. She pours it all over turkey)

ALL Mmmmmmmm.

DIVINE (Winking at Duane) Duane’s been such a good little drag queen today, haven’t you, honey?

DUANE Yes, Mommy, but I need some new frocks. I’m sick of yesterday’s fashions. If I’m real good do you think I could get a bra?

CRACKERS II He deserves it, Mama. He’s been so nelly lately.

DIVINE All in good time, my son.

Inez puts down huge bowl of mashed potatoes. Divine sprinkles chocolate jimmies over them. Everyone is eating.

COTTON II Inez, isn’t there any salad? I want it with the meal, not after. We’re hardly in France.

INEZ (Putting down salad) Yes, ma’am.

Cotton II sprays whipped cream on it and passes it around.

Doyle is feeding Edie in highchair.

DOYLE Madam Divine, Edie has been extremely mentally alert today. I’ve been reading to her about communism.

DIVINE That’s exciting, Doyle. You happy, Mama?

EDIE Workers of the World, Unite!

All are astonished and break into applause.

COTTON II Did you hear that? She’s talking!

DUANE She’s growing up!

CRACKERS II She’s politically aware!

COTTON II She’s a Communist!

DIVINE Mama, being home really helps, doesn’t it? You’re gonna be all right.

DOYLE I’ll devote my every second to this wonderful senior.

DIVINE Doyle, you will be rewarded for this, I promise you. Matter of fact—Inez, Irma, Wiffle, Waffle—I think you’ve had enough privileged glimpses of us eating. If you wish to continue your viewing, I must ask you to leave the room and watch through the peephole. Doyle, you stay right where you are.

DOYLE Thank you, Divine.

Groupies exit scowling at Doyle jealously. Wiffle and Waffle try posing for Cotton II.

COTTON II Later Wiffle, later Waffle. Can’t you see I’m eating? Don’t be disgusting.

Goupies go behind wall and watch through peephole.

CRACKERS II Hey, Edie, I got an idea. You feel like doing the Hokey Pokey?

COTTON II Yeah! The Hokey Pokey!

DIVINE You taught it to me, Mama, when I was a little girl.

EDIE (Excited) Hokey Pokey! Hokey Pokey! Hokey Pokey!

They all get up and form circle.

DIVINE Ready? You put your right arm in, you put your right arm out.… (All join in) You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about!

DUANE Left arm!

ALL You put your left arm in … (etc.)

Shot of groupies peering through holes, marveling.

DIVINE Come on, Mama!

EDIE Left leg!

ALL (Building in intensity) You put your left leg in … (etc.) THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!!!

Slow fade-out.

Slow fade-in to Venninger house.

Morning. We see paper boy coming down street throwing papers on porches. Wilbur opens the door at the exact time his paper is thrown and it hits him on head. He curses paper boy, who laughs at him. Wilbur picks up paper, opens it, and sobs as he sees headline: “Divine Is Back! Filthier Than Ever!” He rushes to intercom.

WILBUR Vera! Vera! (Sobbing) You should see the morning paper!

Cut to Vera in bedroom as she smashes radio against the wall.

She rushes to intercom.

VERA (Furiously) It’s on the radio too! It’s starting again! She’s stealing publicity that is rightfully ours! Oh, God, Wilbur, suppose she made the New York papers?

WILBUR Nonsense, Vera. It’s only local news.

VERA We don’t know that, do we, Wilbur? Go to the newsstand and get the New York papers!

WILBUR You’re the filthiest, Vera!

VERA Not according to the press I’m not. Please get those papers! I think I’m having one of my publicity breakdowns.

Wipe shot to Wilbur pulling up front at newsstand. He double parks, holding up traffic, and runs into store.

Interior newsstand. Close-up of New York Post—“Filth Goddess Kidnaps the Press.”

Wilbur screams in shock.

Other customers turn to look at him. Frantically he searches around shop until he finds the Daily News with headline “Divine to World, ‘I’m Filthiest.’”

Wilbur clutches his heart and falls to knees sobbing.

Gruff News Dealer approaches him.

NEWS DEALER You all right, buddy?

WILBUR (Sobbing) Do you carry The New York Times?

NEWS DEALER What’s your problem? You want me to call an ambulance?

WILBUR No … no.… Please, I’d like a copy of The New York Times.

News Dealer shakes his head in disgust and hands him the Times. Wilbur frantically searches through first section, stops, and lets out a howl.

WILBUR God, no! No! No! Not The New York Times. (Falling to knees and weeping) Not the fucking New York Times.

NEWS DEALER You gonna buy these papers? This ain’t a library, you know!

Cut to Vera Venninger in her bedroom, frantically setting up camera to take her own picture. She runs across room and grabs a bowl with tin foil on it.

VERA Now, the filthiest person alive will eat dog shit for the world to see! (Unwraps bowl) This photo will prove that Vera Venninger is every bit as filthy as Divine! (Takes out turd, nervously, squeamishly) Ten seconds. Mmmmmm, dog shit! Eight seconds. My favorite snack. I eat it every day. Four seconds. Here she goes. (Gets it close to face, gags, and turns head away) Two seconds. (Tries to eat it but is unable. She retches and camera flash goes off. She throws turd against wall and collapses in sobs) I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!

Wilbur rushes in looking grim and defeated, carrying papers.

WILBUR Vera, I’m afraid I’ve got bad news.

VERA She got out-of-state coverage, didn’t she?

WILBUR All three New York papers.

VERA (Horrified) The New York Times?

WILBUR “People in the News” column.

VERA Nooooo!

WILBUR We did get some coverage. The Baltimore Sun has a small article about our child snatching.

VERA What page, though? What page!!?

WILBUR Well … page twenty-eight, but he’s only been missing one day.

VERA I’m sick of page twenty-eight! My whole life has been page twenty-eight! (Desperately) Oh, Wilbur, make love to me.

WILBUR I … I … Oh, Vera, you know I’m a sexual dys-functionist.

VERA Just because I’m not a corpse! It’s not fair! Please! I’ll be dead for you tonight, my darling. (She runs and gets ice bucket) I’ll put ice on my skin! (Starts rubbing it on her arms) Feel. Go ahead. My flesh will be colder than death!

WILBUR (Excited, unsure) Will you get in a body bag?

VERA (Quickly) Yes! Yes!

Wilbur rushes from room. Vera goes into fake rigor mortis as Wilbur rushes back in with body bag. Vera gets in and Wilbur begins to be aroused. Vera is holding her breath with all her might. Wilbur starts kissing her. He takes off shirt and gets in bag. We see Vera begin to panic as she stifles a sneeze. Suddenly, she can hold it no longer and loudly sneezes. Wilbur jumps up appalled.

VERA I’m sorry!

WILBUR You ruined it!

VERA Start over! I swear I won’t sneeze again.

WILBUR (Panicked) It’s no good, Vera. I know you’re not a corpse! A corpse never wants reciprocation! Never, Vera! I have to finish off downstairs. (He rushes out)

VERA No, Wilbur! (She throws self on bed, sobbing)

Shot of Wilbur in funeral room, disrobing in a hurry. He opens coffin containing same rotting corpse and jumps in and slams lid shut. Casket rocks back and forth, intercut with Vera under the covers sobbing and rubbing herself in sexual frustration. Wilbur cries out in orgasm. Vera is about to climax but phone rings.

VERA God damn it! (Answers) HELLO!

Shot of Bambi in phone booth.

BAMBI Mrs. Venninger, did I catch you at a bad time?

VERA What is it, Bambi?

BAMBI The time has come for action! The tree fort is empty! The entire Divine family is headed downtown.

VERA (Suddenly power-crazed) Oh, finally I can start my aggression! (Beginning to fondle herself again under the covers as she goes into fantasy tirade) After Divine is humiliated and destroyed, Maryland will be ours! We attack Delaware and blow up the Delaware Memorial Bridge.

Superimposed war maps of East Coast. Animated tanks and planes advance, blowing up cities as she talks.

VERA (Excited, panting) Our troops will plunder north, conquering Philadelphia until we reach the New Jersey border.…

Superimposed cliché stock footage of war, bombs, planes.

Shot of Bambi listening in phone booth, looking confused and embarrassed.

VERA (Wildly turned on) … In two swift surprise air raids Trenton and Newark will fall and then—like the last domino—New York City will lie before us. Ready to be leveled by our highly skilled kamikaze pilots! …

Superimposed shot of nuclear bomb explosion.

VERA (Moaning, climaxing) … And FINALLY I will take my rightful place in filth history—the undisputed, highly feared DICTATOR OF FILTH, THE GREAT ONE, VERA VENNINGER!

Cut to shot of happy Divine family in one car and groupies in another as they pile out in downtown Baltimore.

Divine starts posing to dumbfounded passersby and crowd gathers to gawk. Groupies start working the crowd.

INEZ (To Bum) Hello, sir. Isn’t she something?

BUM She’s a fat one, all right.

INEZ (Pulling out large locket with photo of Divine) Would you be interested in purchasing a magic locket blessed with a picture of Divine? It has the power to ward off all evil curses and hoodoo.…

Divine is modeling wildly as Edie, Crackers II, and Cotton II sign autographs. Wiffle and Waffle circulate through crowd with collection boxes on long handles.

Crowd puts in money.

Cut to Irma trying to sell an older Lady a locket.

IRMA It’s only $9.95—a real bargain in these inflationary times.

LADY Get away from me! I know all about you Moonies. You’re brainwashed and you should be deprogrammed!

IRMA Madam, I’m certainly not a Moonie.… I’m a Divinity!

Cut to Divine ending her little show and kissing her family good-bye as they all go their separate ways.

Edie is helped into giant stroller.

Divine begins walking down the street.

Shot of motorist gawking at her from behind wheel. Divine notices and puts on a show for him. He is so intent on staring that he doesn’t look where he’s going and smashes into telephone pole. Divine blows kisses at him as he angrily leaps from car.

Cut to shot of Cotton II, extremely happy, window-shopping in front of dirty book shop on The Block, Baltimore’s porno district.

She enters and approaches grubby clerk.

COTTON II Excuse me.

CLERK Yeah?

COTTON II Where’s your all-male section?

CLERK (Looking at her skeptically) Next to bondage, on the left.

COTTON II Well, actually, maybe you could help me. There’s two particular titles I’m interested in. Do you have All About Balls?

CLERK Jesus Christ almighty.

COTTON II The other one I read a great review of recently—100 Asses: Eat ’Em, Pump ’Em.

CLERK Lady, look, we got what you see. That’s about it.

COTTON II Would it be possible to special-order them?

CLERK You Vice or something?

COTTON II (Insulted) Why, no! I’m a Woman for Pornography!

Cut to shot of preteen girls’ clothing shop. Duane is trying on a bra as horrified saleslady looks on. Crackers II helps him slip on panty girdle. Duane is thrilled and tries to leave dressing room to look in mirror. Saleslady is panicked, tries to block his way, but Duane gets past her as other girl shoppers see him and scream. They run from store with mothers.

Cut to shot of Doyle pushing Edie into Left Wing Bookshop. Edie is waving to serious radical customers, who glare back in disgust. Edie points to book The Story of Karl Marx and goes wild.

Dissolve to Doyle reading to Edie in children’s playground. Edie slides down sliding board and gets on swings. Curious children point and laugh.

DOYLE “Free man and slave, patrician and plebian, lord and serf—in a word, oppressor and oppressed—”

EDIE (Interrupting) Oh, Doyle, I know that part. What I wanna know is—WAS KARL MARX CUTE?

DOYLE Here’s a picture, Miss Edie, decide for yourself.

Edie looks at photo.

EDIE (Giggling) Oh, he’s adorable! That Karl Marx is a regular little doll baby! (Troubled) But, Doyle, was Karl Marx filthy?

DOYLE That’s a major historical question, Edie. Only time can tell that.

EDIE Could Karl Marx be my new boyfriend?

DOYLE Why, Edie, you’re making me jealous. Couldn’t I be your new boyfriend? (He kisses her)

EDIE Oh, Doyle, do you think you could get our picture in Pravda?

DOYLE Maybe, Edie.

EDIE Oh, Doyle, I simply love politics! (They kiss passionately)

Dissolve to Vera Venninger as she glares up at Divine’s tree fort. She is dressed in copy of Divine’s red fishtail gown from Pink Flamingos and is made up to mimic Divine. Wilbur stands by, struggling with large canvas bag containing a squirming animal that we can’t see. Bambi beckons them to come up to tree fort. The Venningers smile evilly and enter tree fort. Bambi points to video surveillance and hides from its camera. Vera takes stage center and goes into mean parody of Divine’s glamour fits for the video camera to record.

Cut to Divine sashaying her way back to car. A Baltimore tour bus passes by and crowd leans their heads out the window to gawk. Divine (stuntman) suddenly startles the crowd by walking on her hands, doing cartwheels and wild tumbling acts.

Close-up of Divine’s ecstatic face throughout.

Crowd on bus goes wild applauding. Suddenly we see different faces in crowd turn away from Divine in surprise. We see Divine, standing on head, suddenly distracted as she stands upright and stares in awe.

Shot of Velveeta Jones, an unbelievable 400-pound black woman in one-piece bathing suit riding down the street in sidecar of motorcycle. Her bodyguard, Puddles, a rough-looking male impersonator, slowly cruises the motorcycle through the crowded streets.

Suddenly Velveeta jumps out of sidecar and begins a modeling fit like no one has ever witnessed; bumping and grinding, posing indecently as the crowd goes crazy in approval. Puddles stands as guard with gun drawn. Divine watches with the rest of the gawkers in amazement at Velveeta’s semi-naked abandon, but rather than be jealous, she sees a kindred spirit. Fans start chanting, “Divine! Divine! Divine!” She starts modeling back in a friendly “duel” of exhibitionism and both she and Velveeta good-naturedly laugh and try to top one another in “voguing” lunacy; shimmying, frugging, twisting, wiggling, and twitching in show-off anarchy. Divine aggressively pushes her way through the rubberneckers, never missing a beat, weaving and dirty-dancing over to Puddles, who fires his gun in salutation.

DIVINE Please … I am Divine.… Who is this marvelous woman? You’ve got to introduce me.

PUDDLES Miss Velveeta don’t take no visitors when she’s out modeling.

DIVINE Nonsense (Calling out) Miss Velveeta! It’s Divine here to see you!

Velveeta looks up and her eyes light up in respect. She suddenly stops gyrating, and breaks into a big grin and dances lewdly over to Divine.

VELVEETA (To Divine) Oh my god! Is that really you, Divine? Let her enter, Puddles, she’s my idol!

DIVINE (Approaching her, shaking hands) Compliments to strangers are hardly my style, but I just have to tell you, I think you’re incredible!

VELVEETA Thank you! What an honor! I got all your clippings. In fact, every time I eat, I think of you.

DIVINE Velveeta, you must give me your address. (Dramatically) I think you may be the second filthiest person alive. (Velveeta cries out in delight and they embrace)

Fade-in to Bambi, who is elaborately tied and bound in tree-fort living room.

Shot of Divine and family approaching elevator.

Interior tree fort. Bambi begins putting on phony struggling act.

Divine enters, sees her.

DIVINE Oh, my God! Bambi! What’s happened? (Crackers II and Cotton II run to ungag her)

BAMBI We’ve been attacked! They took me by surprise and overpowered me. I fought with all my might, I swear I did!

DIVINE Who did this?! I’ll break their necks. I’ll rip their larynxes out!

BAMBI I never saw them before. A woman and a man. (To Divine) They were in your bedroom!

Divine’s eyes widen and she rushes out.

Divine enters bedroom and surveys it suspiciously. Crackers II and Cotton II follow.

DIVINE Someone has been sleeping in my bed! (She approaches bed warily and rips off spread to reveal sheets stained with garbage, food)

Cotton II and Crackers II cry out in shock.

DIVINE The assholes gave me a pie bed! (Remembering) Oh, my God, my memoirs! (Rushes to tape recorder and flicks it on. We hear Divine’s voice) “… Like most goddesses, I was born in humble surroundings …” (Vera’s voice cuts in)

VERA’S VOICE Yeah! A toilet bowl, my mother thought I was a turd. (Divine screams out and fast-forwards the tape)

DIVINE’S VOICE “… to be internationally celebrated for her beauty, style, motherhood, and fashion flair.”

VERA’S VOICE And my big polkies, my BO, my bad breath, and my feminine hygiene problem. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DIVINE (Trembling in rage) How dare this harpie hack edit my memoirs! HOW DARE SHE!!

Divine notices door to dresser rattling and she slowly approaches it and opens it. A pig dressed in a Divine-type outfit and makeup runs out squealing, wearing a sign saying “Simply Divine.”

Divine screams and Crackers II and Cotton II try to catch it, but it runs into living room and they give chase. Edie and groupies scream as pig rushes in.

INEZ (Jumping up on chair and holding up skirt) Oooohh, a pig!

CRACKERS II I’ll get it, Mama.

EDIE A PORKER! (Takes off shoe and starts banging it on table à la Khrushchev) We will bury it! We will bury it!

DOYLE Oh, Divine, this is an outrage!

Crackers II tackles pig.

CRACKERS II I got it, Mama! (Holding it up)

DIVINE Take that makeup off it! And burn that blasphemous dress! Who would dare mock my image like this? Irma, turn on the video. Could they be so stupid as to show their face?!

Irma turns on tape and we see Vera wildly imitating Divine into camera.

VERA How do you like that, FATSO?! Because this is just the beginning! You’re old hat now! I’m the new filthiest person alive! This is war, PIG BREATH! TOTAL WAR!

DIVINE (Stunned, shaking with rage) WAR? I’LL GIVE YOU WAR, YOU SCRAWNY CHICKEN-NECKED HATCHET FACE. (Smoke starts coming from ears) WE’LL SEE WHO DARES CLAIM MY MANTLE, BESTOWED ON ME BY NO LESS THAN TIME MAGAZINE, NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE, UPI, AP, RIGHT ON DOWN TO THE EAST BALTIMORE GAZETTE! (Shaking with rage, she begins levitating off ground. Groupies look petrified, family looks proud) DON’T FLING DOWN THE GAUNTLET TO ME, YOU WALKING MUD FENCE! (Rising higher in air, to everyone’s astonishment) TAKE YOUR CRUSADE OF CRAP SOMEWHERE ELSE, MULE FACE! BECAUSE BY LAND, BY SEA, BY AIR, I’LL GET YOU! AND I’LL GET YOU GOOD! (Her head spins around 360 degrees as groupies cry out in fear) NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF FILTH! NOBODY! BANZAI!! (She is so furious that she levitates literally through the roof)

Wipe shot to exterior Venninger home.

Front door creaks open and Vera peers out to see if coast is clear.

Cut to Wilbur pulling up outside in limo.

Wilbur beckons and Vera rushes out with three kidnapped children handcuffed together. Each kid is dressed in black jeans, high-top black tennis shoes, and black T-shirts (one has the word “Brat” on it, another “Junkie,” and another “Filth”).

They peel out.

Dissolve to limo pulling into suburban neighborhood and slowly cruising the quiet streets. Wilbur stops car and runs to random house and peers into window. Seeing nothing interesting, he runs to another house and sneakily spies in window. We see a children’s birthday party in progress. Kids are surrounded by presents, dressed up, wearing party hats, and playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Wilbur looks excited and beckons for troops. Vera leaps from car and hurries nervous kids out.

VERA (Opening kids’ handcuffs) Go on! You know what to do! (Kids hesitate) Hurry up, or you’ll never see your parents again!

Interior birthday party.

Kids have moved to birthday boy’s table as mother brings in cake with candles and all sing “Happy Birthday.”

Shot of Tracy, Jimmy, and Larry as they throw outside barbecue pit through plate-glass window and attack the party. Birthday guests panic as the terrorists smash presents and knock over furniture. Mother tries to stop kids but they leap on her, pulling her hair. Table is knocked over and Larry shoves cake into mother’s face as Tracy takes the donkey tail and pins it on mother’s behind. Jimmy punches birthday boy in mouth.

Exterior house.

Vera is spray-painting “FILTH” across front door. Kids rush out yelling “Filthiest People Alive,” etc. Wilbur is finishing up pouring gas on lawn. He throws a match. We see F-I-L-T-H light up in flames as the limo peels out.

Slow fade-out on burning letters.

Slow fade-in to Divine’s agitated face as she drives convertible down highway toward city. It is night. She pulls up to mammoth car junkyard and gets out. Divine wanders through junkyard calling out, “Velveeta! Velveeta!” Junkyard is eerily lit and she is frightened by crazed bum who pops out of car as she searches for Velveeta’s home.

Cut to Puddles, Velveeta’s bodyguard, outside of Velveeta’s “home,” which is made entirely out of large refrigerator boxes and wrecked car parts. Puddles hears weak cries of Divine in distance and jumps to attention, pulling out gun.

Cut back to Divine still searching and softly calling out. She comes to wretched old Hag cooking a motley hot dog over a trash fire.

DIVINE Excuse me, can you tell me where I’d find Miss Velveeta Jones?

HAG (Eyeing her suspiciously) Your name Divine?

DIVINE Well, yes it is, if it’s anything to you.

HAG I thought I recognized you. You’re the filth queen.

DIVINE Well … yes, I am.

HAG I’ve been a cult follower of yours for a long time. (Suddenly desperate) Tell me the truth. Are you really God?

DIVINE (Proudly) In person.

HAG Can you prove you’re God? Show me some sort of sign?

DIVINE I think if I concentrated, I might be able to work up some sort of minor miracle.

Divine begins staring hard. X-ray light beams come out of her eyes toward hag’s hair. Suddenly, magically, Hag’s hair rises and goes into elaborate beehive hairdo. Hag is amazed and falls to knees.

HAG Miracle! Miracle! Oh, you are God! You want my hot dog? Here, take it! It’s all yours.

DIVINE No, keep it for yourself, my disciple.

HAG Velveeta Jones—third row down, past the refrigerator, it’s the second cardboard box on the right.

DIVINE Thank you. (Divine touches Hag’s head in blessing before exiting as Hag wolfs down hot dog)

Cut to Puddles, hiding with gun behind wrecked car as Divine approaches Velveeta’s box house. Puddles leaps out.

PUDDLES Hold it right there, honky.

DIVINE Oh, it’s you, Puddles. You startled me! I’m Divine, remember?

PUDDLES (Scowling) Yeah … I remember you.

DIVINE Could you announce me to Miss Velveeta?

PUDDLES (Begrudgingly) I’ll see if she’s presentable.

Interior Velveeta’s. Elaborately gaudy and cheap. Velveeta is lounging in a large vat of cherry Jell-O, dressed in another bathing suit.

PUDDLES Velveeta, that Divine broad’s here to see you.

VELVEETA (Jumping up) Divine’s here!? Oh my God, show her in!

Puddles stomps outside to Divine.

PUDDLES Her nibs will see you.

DIVINE Thank you, Puddles. (She enters)

Interior Velveeta’s. Divine rushes to Velveeta, who is still in Jello-O vat.

DIVINE Velveeta, darling. (They kiss the air beside each other’s cheek)

VELVEETA God, girl, I didn’t think you’d really come to visit! You mind if I stay put right here in my Jell-O?

DIVINE No … it looks sort of comfortable.

VELVEETA Oh, it is! I model all day and by night I’m tired! I swear by my Jell-O. It’s good for the circulation. You ought to try it sometime. (Rolling around) Soooooooo soothing!

DIVINE Velveeta, nothing could soothe me tonight. I came because I need your help. Someone brazenly attacked my home today!

VELVEETA (In disbelief) What fool would dare?

DIVINE I don’t even recognize her hideous mug! (Takes out photos developed from video cameras) Have you ever seen this woman? And I use the term loosely.

VELVEETA (Studying the photos) Lassie? Benji? Rin-Tin-Tin? I never saw this dog, Divine, but I’ve lived in this godforsaken community of Baltimore all my life. I got contacts up the ass! Rest assured, Velveeta will locate this tired bitch.

Wipe shot to Vera Venninger, dressed in black, overdramatically playing the organ in Venninger Funeral Home as Ashburn mourners mill about looking anything but upset.

Shot of Ashburn corpse laid out in open coffin as Wilbur watches adoringly. Two teen-age mourners are kneeling in front of coffin.

TEEN A (Giggling) You still tripping, man?

TEEN B Yeah! Want to set off a cherry bomb in her mouth? I got one right in my pocket.

TEEN A Nah, fuck her! Let’s go steal money from the pocketbooks.

They exit. Mrs. Ashburn and another woman take their places kneeling.

MRS. ASHBURN She looks awful, don’t she?

WOMAN How much did she leave us, I’d like to know.

MRS. ASHBURN For her loving daughter, not a goddamn cent!

WOMAN Well, I’m takin’ her ring, then. (Tries to rip it off corpse)

MRS. ASHBURN Oh no you don’t! I paid for this funeral, so I get the ring.

WOMAN (Fighting for ring) You’ve always been the cheap one in the family!

MRS. ASHBURN (Fighting) Hands off, sister dear!

WOMAN You already stole the Mix-Master before I could get it.

MRS. ASHBURN Yeah? Well, I’m getting the stereo too!

WOMAN Over my dead body! Cubby, she’s trying to claim the stereo!

Other mourners rush over yelling “Oh, no, the stereo’s mine,” “Dibs on the TV,” “I want the toaster!” Men start pushing each other, fights break out. Mrs. Ashburn and sister are grabbing jewelry off corpse, and coffin tips over and cadaver falls out. More fights break out. People start leaving, screaming “Fuck the funeral,” “Let’s go to her house now!” “First one there gets the TV,” etc. People knock each other down to get out. Wilbur and Vera follow them to door.

Mourners rush from house, leap in cars, and cut each other off, peeling out, causing traffic jam.

VERA What absolute scum!

We see paper boy walking down the street, delivering papers.

WILBUR (Yelling out) You’re late, paper boy!

VERA AND WE JUST MIGHT REPORT YOU!

Paper boy looks at them disgustedly and hurls paper at them. They both duck to avoid being hit in head. Paper boy laughs and keeps going.

VERA WE’LL HAVE YOU FIRED FOR THIS!

WILBUR AND ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT!

Vera reaches down and grabs paper and opens it. We see Baltimore Sun headline: “Kidnapped Children Go on Rampage!”

VERA Oh my God! WE MADE THE HEADLINES!

WILBUR LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!

Shot of Puddles hiding behind car, taking surveillance photos of Vera and Wilbur. We see them through camera and freeze-frames.

VERA THIS MEANS NEW YORK PUBLICITY, WILBUR! New York means the world! Just think—we may even get coverage in the International Herald Tribune! ZURICH! BERLIN! LONDON! STOCKHOLM! WE’RE FINALLY FAMOUS, WILBUR!

Wipe to Divine in sensational gown, reading from prepared statement at large press conference. Many microphones are in front of her. Inez, Irma, Wiffle, and Waffle flank her, dressed in new “divinity” military uniforms. The press, both TV and print, eagerly record the event.

DIVINE … and so, gentlemen of the press, with a heavy heart, a clear conscience, and a certain amount of pomp, I must HEREBY DECLARE WAR! This is a call to arms! The Divinity Empire will never crumble!

Groupies shoot guns in salute.

INEZ (Stepping forward) For a very brief time, General Divine will take your questions.

REPORTER A Hans Dorman, Bild, West Germany. Is your defense prepared for war?

DIVINE Our SWAT teams have been stockpiling guns all over the country. Hijacked tanks are being shipped from Camp David at this moment. We have a strong defense, Herr Dorman, and we plan to use it.

REPORTER B Jim Donaldson, Vogue. Any comment on the kidnapped children?

DIVINE My opponents obviously don’t know the difference between good filth and bad filth. I will locate those children and return them to their parents, where they can decide to be filthy of their own free will!

REPORTER C Billy Kolodner, National Enquirer. You are used to surprising the media, Divine. Well, today I have a surprise for you. Guess who’s here to see you?

DIVINE Don’t get funny, Mr. Kolodner. I’m feeling rather humor-impaired today.

REPORTER C Like it or not, Divine. Here they are, all the way from Biloxi, Mississippi—YOUR REAL PARENTS!

Chesty and Tubby step out of car. Media goes wild surrounding them.

CHESTY (To Divine) Shirley! Shirley Stapleton! (Divine looks appalled, completely unnerved) It’s me, your long-lost mother!

TUBBY Shirley Stapleton, what are you doing in that ridiculous outfit? We raised you better than that!

DIVINE (To groupies) Get those people out of here! (Groupies are too stunned to move) Do you hear me!?

INEZ (To Divine) Is your name really Shirley?

DIVINE (Aside) Inez, if I ever hear you say the name Shirley in my presence again, you will be banished from my kingdom forever! Do you understand?!

Divine storms over to Chesty and Tubby.

CHESTY Oh my God, when is the last time you had a bath?

TUBBY Shirley, you are covered with germs!

DIVINE (Threateningly) MY NAME IS DIVINE NOW!

CHESTY We’re well aware of this ridiculous clownlike image you’ve been promoting. But we’re here to tell the TRUTH! That your real name is Shirley Stapleton and underneath all this phony-baloney filth nonsense, you’re a CLEAN GIRL!

TUBBY And we’ve written a book all about it. We’ve already sold the first serialization rights to Ladies’ Home Journal.

DIVINE Is that all you want, MONEY?

CHESTY (Yelling to press) She’s TRYING TO PAY ME OFF!

TUBBY Cover-up!

CHESTY DIVIN-I-GATE!

REPORTER C How does it feel to see your real parents again?!

DIVINE My real mother is Edie. She would never try to use me for publicity like these MEDIA OPPORTUNISTS!

CHESTY Don’t believe her lies! I’m her real mother all right. I nursed her at this very bosom and Oui magazine is here to photograph them. (Unbuttoning her blouse) Nudity, per se, is something I’d never condone, but these NOZZLES OF LIFE prove that no one but me could have weaned such a beautiful child.

Press goes wild photographing Chesty’s mammoth breasts as Divine looks on, appalled.

DIVINE Gentlemen of the press, and I use the word gentlemen loosely—these imposters, lured out from under some rock by your checkbook journalism, know the truth! That by crashing my publicity they are forever damned to mere footnotes in the history of filth! HAS LOCAL COLOR GOTTEN THIS MEDIOCRE?! END OF PRESS CONFERENCE! NO MORE PHOTOS! NO MORE QUESTIONS! NO MORE ANSWERS!

Cut to shot of Edie, sitting on mat in nursery, surrounded by barbed wire that Doyle is looping around her.

DOYLE There, Edie, all finished. You got your wish. You’re finally behind the Iron Curtain.

EDIE Good-bye Western Europe, hello Russia!

DOYLE You’re a real pinko now, Edie, a card-carrying Bolshevik.

EDIE Hahahahahaha!

Divine enters. She is very upset.

DOYLE Hello, Divine … (Alarmed at her appearance) Are you okay?

DIVINE (Sobbing) You can’t imagine the indignity I’ve just been put through.

EDIE Who is it? Who’s out there far away in a capitalist country!?

DOYLE (To Divine) We’ve been playing Iron Curtain.

DIVINE Oh Mother, it’s me, Divine. I was just humiliated in front of the media. (Breaking down sobbing) I fear my image may have been irreparably damaged.

EDIE (Snapping out of it, suddenly concerned) Really, Divine? I’m sorry if you’ve had a trauma. (Impatiently) Doyle, move this stupid wire so I can comfort and hold my daughter.

DOYLE (Winking to Divine, teaching Edie a lesson) I’m afraid that’s impossible, Edie. The free world’s passports are not honored behind the Iron Curtain.

EDIE But Doyle, I’m bored being a Communist. My daughter needs me!

DOYLE Escape then, Edie.

DIVINE (Through tears) Have the courage to admit your mistakes, Mama.

EDIE (Going into deep fantasy) Mama Edie has seen the realities that lie behind the rhetoric of communism. She must defect! (She begins crawling toward wire) In the still of the night, in a remote corner of East Germany, she sneaks to the edge of the Berlin Wall. It’s now or never.…

DOYLE You can make it, old girl!

DIVINE Just close your eyes and think of America!

They lift up corner of barbed wire and Edie crawls out.

EDIE At last! Freedom! Capitalism! America! Divine! (Divine tearfully embraces her mother)

EDIE Awwwwwww! Everything’s gonna be okay, Divine.

Inez rushes in carrying walkie-talkie.

INEZ Checkpoint Bambi has reported that a certain Miss Velveeta Jones is here to see you.

DIVINE (Pulling herself together) She’s our secret weapon, Inez. By all means show her in.

INEZ (Talking into walkie-talkie) Code Blue! Permit entry. Code Blue. Over and out.

Cut to Crackers II and Cotton II drilling Wiffle, Waffle, and Irma in living room. They march up and down in uniform, carrying rifles.

CRACKERS II Hup two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

COTTON II Parade rest!

CRACKERS II Guns right! (They do formation) Guns left!

COTTON II Parade march!

CRACKERS II Hup two, three, four. Get the lead out of your ass, Irma!

Inez and Divine come rushing out of nursery. Inez is listening to walkie-talkie.

DIVINE At ease, for God’s sake. At ease!

Knock at door is heard. Inez rushes to answer it. Velveeta enters in ridiculous camouflage combat outfit.

VELVEETA (Saluting Divine) Velveeta Jones, reporting for duty.

DIVINE At ease, Velveeta. (Gesturing to groupies and family, who are awestruck at Velveeta) This is my family and followers.… This is our top espionage ally, Miss Velveeta Jones. (Everyone gives her power fist sign and cheers)

VELVEETA I’ve completed my first assignment. (Takes out folder and hands Divine photo Puddles took of Wilbur and Vera) It’s them—the child stealers! Vera and Wilbur Venninger!

Everyone gathers around photo and makes derogatory comments.

VELVEETA My surveillance team located them this morning. Their address is on the back.

DIVINE (Turning over photo) Good work, Velveeta! D-Day is here. Man the torpedoes, bring on the tanks! 620 North Charles Street, here we come! Vera and Wilbur Venninger, PREPARE TO DIE! (Everyone breaks into Indian war cries)

Cut to shot of Divine and Velveeta rumbling down Baltimore’s Charles Street in huge army tank. They stop in front of Venninger house. Divine and Velveeta hop down and zigzag war-style to front of house, holding two branches in front of them for camouflage. Divine carries a bullhorn.

DIVINE Vera and Wilbur Venninger, you are surrounded! Let the children come out first! Give yourselves up and no one will be hurt.

Interior shot of empty silent rooms.

Shot of kidnapped kids hearing and jumping up in happiness.

DIVINE THIS IS DIVINE SPEAKING! LET THE CHILDREN GO UNHARMED! YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE SECOND TO GIVE YOURSELVES UP OR I’M COMING IN THERE TO GET YOU! ONE, ONE THOUSAND. THAT’S IT! YOUR TIME IS UP, ASSHOLES!

Cut to Vera and Wilbur rushing into 7-Eleven-type fastfood store. The staff is Vietnamese. Vera and Wilbur wait in line of customers.

VIETNAMESE That’s six dollars.

CUSTOMER A For a loaf of bread?

VIETNAMESE Go somewhere else if you don’t like!

CUSTOMER A (Paying) What a rip-off! (Exits, shaking head in disbelief)

CUSTOMER B Just a half-gallon of milk, please.

VIETNAMESE Eight dollars and fifty cents.

CUSTOMER B You gotta be kidding!

VIETNAMESE WIFE (Butting in) That’s what you get for your imperialist aggression against our country.

VIETNAMESE You taught the Vietnamese how to be capitalist! NOW YOU PAY THE PRICE!

CUSTOMER B (Throwing down money) You’re joking! Don’t I get a bag?

VIETNAMESE A BAG IS A DOLLAR!

CUSTOMER B (Snatching milk and leaving) I’ll never shop here again! (Exits)

Wilbur and Vera approach.

VERA Chi Long? I am Vera Venninger. This is my husband, Wilbur.

VIETNAMESE (Bowing) Mrs. Venninger, Mr. Venninger. We are honored to meet an enemy of America.

VIETNAMESE WIFE (Whispering) Your bomb is here. Our people deliver. Do you have the American greenbacks?

WILBUR Yes, we do, Ye Long! One thousand dollars. (Hands it over)

VERA We’re so excited! We’ve never had the bomb before.

VIETNAMESE Bomb is in the back. Follow me.

Dissolve to Wilbur and Vera lugging ridiculous bomb to U-Haul trailer hooked up to limousine.

Cut to Divine and Velveeta climbing up fire escape to roof. They approach chimney and Divine yells down through bullhorn.

DIVINE Oh, Vera and Wilbur. We’re coming to get you!

Shot of fireplace in empty living room. We hear Divine’s voice echoing down.

Cut back to roof. Divine throws down bullhorn and climbs on top of chimney. She motions for Velveeta to follow and suddenly jumps down chimney.

Shot of Velveeta’s startled face.

Cut to shot of Venninger living room fireplace. We hear sounds of Divine’s screams and then she lands in fireplace with a thud. She is covered in soot.

Cut back to Velveeta on top of chimney, looking nervous.

Cut to Divine yelling up chimney.

DIVINE You can make it, girl. On the count of three. One … Two …

Cut to Velveeta on roof. We can hear Divine’s voice from chimney and Velveeta counts with her.

VELVEETA … three. (She wedges herself down chimney and we see her vanish slowly)

Cut back to living room. Divine is looking up chimney.

DIVINE You all right, Velveeta?

VELVEETA(From chimney) I’m stuck!

DIVINE Keep wedging yourself! Squeeze, girl, squeeze!

VELVEETA (Struggling) I’m trying! I’m trying! (We see lots of soot falling and hear sounds of Velveeta struggling to free herself) Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!

We see Divine jump back and Velveeta lands on hearth. Divine pulls on her to get her out and finally she climbs out, covered in soot.

DIVINE Okay, Velveeta. Put that tonnage to work!

Velveeta begins running from couch to chair to chair, sitting on each quickly. As soon as she sits, furniture splinters and collapses because of her weight. After she has taken care of living room, Divine applauds and laughs wildly.

DIVINE Vera and Wilbur, you’ve got company!

They creep up steps to second floor. They enter master bedroom.

DIVINE Where is that skinny bitch?

Velveeta sits on bed. It collapses.

DIVINE Good work, Velveeta! (Looking in closet) Help me with this motley little wardrobe.

Divine goes through Vera’s dresses, ripping them from hangers and tearing them to shreds.

DIVINE Who designed these tired numbers? Look at this monstrosity, a size eight—how repulsive! (Tears to shreds) (Suddenly stopping in horror) Oh, my God! (Takes out Vera’s imitation red fishtail gown she wore in attack) Look at this! The cheap knock-off of my world-famous fishtailed gown that she dared to wear in public. (Inspecting it) WITH FALSIES INSIDE! (Velveeta and Divine destroy gown)

VELVEETA (Approaching makeup table) Look! Here’s all her tired-ass makeup to cover her ugly little features.

DIVINE (Grabbing makeup) Picture her face, Velveeta! A blank canvas just waiting to erupt into pimples! (Breaking off lipstick, smearing eyeshadow) Think of those beady little eyes surrounding that needle of a nose, bottomed off by that putrid chapped hole some would refer to as her mouth! (Throws compacts, eyeliner, curlers to floor for Velveeta to stomp on) I’m so mad I could just shit! And that’s just what we’re gonna do. Come on, Velveeta, we’re gonna leave a grumpy in every toilet in this house!

Divine and Velveeta rush to separate powder rooms.

Cut to Tracy, Jimmy, and Larry in dungeon. They are screaming “HELP,” “MOMMY, DADDY, IT’S ME, TRACY,” “HELP,” “POLICE!”

Cut back to Velveeta leaving powder room and hearing children’s call for help.

VELVEETA Divine, I think I hear the children!

Velveeta and Divine charge to door. Children are yelling loudly.

DIVINE Hold on, my children. It’s all right! Divine is here for you.

Velveeta rips off padlock with bare hands. Children rush to them and jump into their arms, covering them with kisses.

TRACY Thank you! Thank you!

JIMMY Take us to our parents!

LARRY Get me some methadone!

DIVINE (Hugging the children) It’s okay, they can’t hurt you now.

VELVEETA Your parents haven’t forgotten you. They still love you!

DIVINE Come, my children, Divine is going to take you home.

Divine and Velveeta lead children, who are still clutching on to them, from dungeon. As they descend stairs, Divine hears something and stops in her tracks.

Exterior Venningers’. We see garbage truck pull up and Bambi jumps out. She looks ravaged, and in a hurry.

BAMBI Thanks for the ride, boys!

GARBAGEMAN Yea, baby, anytime! Thanks for the action! What a gal!

Bambi runs to door and frantically rings bell.

BAMBI Mr. Venninger! Mrs. Venninger! It’s me, Bambi! Open up, PLEASE!

Venninger door is opened, but we do not see by whom.

BAMBI (Suspicious) Vera? … Wilbur? (She enters slowly)

Cut to interior. Door bangs shut to reveal a very hostile Divine and Velveeta.

DIVINE Well, well, well. I SMELL DEFECTION!

BAMBI (Trying to back away) No, please … please!

DIVINE Get her in a headlock, Velveeta!

Velveeta lunges at her and fights her into hold as kidnapped children cheer and yell encouragement from steps.

BAMBI Please, Divine, don’t hurt me!

DIVINE (Approaching her) You rotten little snitch! That’s what I get for trusting people! A spy! A regular little canary!

VELVEETA Should I squeeze her to death?

BAMBI Don’t squash me! I beg of you! (To Divine) You’re still the filthiest person alive!

DIVINE (To kids) How about it, children, mercy or no mercy?

One by one, children give thumbs-down sign.

DIVINE Out of the mouths of babes! You know what to do, Velveeta. Think of something cruel and unusual! (Grabbing the children’s hands) Come on, you sweet little children, we’re going home. (To Velveeta) Make sure you stay and give Wilbur and Vera a warm homecoming! Bambi, I’m afraid you just lost the Battle of Filth!

Velveeta drags off a struggling Bambi.

BAMBI It’s not fair! My rights! What about my rights?!

Wipe to Divine letting off Tracy at parents’ house. Parents run out of house, delirious with happiness, and Tracy leaps into parents’ arms.

Dissolve to Larry being reunited with parents in slow motion. They shower him with gifts.

Dissolve to Jimmy being let out as parents run across lawn and grab him by arm, yelling “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” “YOU’RE PUNISHED,” “YOU’RE GONNA GET A GOOD WHIPPING FOR THIS!”

Divine looks saddened and shrugs shoulders.

Cut to Wilbur and Vera pulling up in front of their home in limo with U-Haul and bomb on back. They rush into house looking for Bambi.

VERA Bambi? Bambi? She better hadn’t be late today of all days.

They see leveled living room furniture.

WILBUR Oh, my God!

VERA Somebody’s fat buttocks have been sitting on our furniture!

WILBUR Our gorgeous antiques. Destroyed by cellulite.

VERA Divine’s been in this house. Can’t you smell her?

WILBUR What is that stench? It’s coming from upstairs.

They sneak up steps, begin gagging, and approach powder room. Wilbur enters and lets out a howl.

WILBUR Eeccccchhhhh! A payday! (He lights match and frantically starts flushing)

Turd magically slithers from toilet and rises in air. Wilbur and Vera are wide-eyed. Turd dive-bombs and just misses them. They run from room with turd chasing them and run into bedroom and slam door. Turd smashes against door.

Interior bedroom. Vera and Wilbur are petrified.

VERA Wilbur, that turd was chasing us!

WILBUR It’s okay, Vera. Her turd is no match for our bomb!

VERA But how can a turd fly, Wilbur? How can a turd be aggressive?

WILBUR It’s okay, my love.

Vera turns and sees her destroyed bedroom.

VERA Oh my God, Wilbur! MY OUTFITS! My beautiful theatrical wardrobe! Cut to shreds. (Seeing makeup) And my makeup! (Sobbing) My heavily advertised, expensive makeup!

WILBUR Quick! Let’s go to the airport!

VERA But Wilbur, suppose she found the children?

WILBUR (Opening door, peering out nervously) I think the coast is clear …

VERA Quickly! To the dungeon!

They rush out and down steps.

Shot of other bathroom. Dramatic music is heard on soundtrack.

Another turd creeps out of toilet and crawls across floor.

Wilbur and Vera rush to dungeon and discover it is empty.

VERA Ohhhhh God! I told you we should have offed those brats!

WILBUR The press will have a field day! She’ll be a heroine, even to nonfilthy people!

Shot of turd sneaking down steps.

VERA Wilbur, I smell something again.

WILBUR (Sniffing) It’s just your nerves, honey.

Turd slithers across floor so it is directly below Vera’s skirt. Turd’s point of view shot looking up Vera’s skirt.

WILBUR Rest assured! Today is the last day of the rest of Divine’s life!

Turd zooms up Vera’s skirt in attack. Eerie screeching noise comes from turd. Vera lets out a scream and fights turd from under her skirt. It whizzes in air around their heads as they panic and cover their heads. Vera and Wilbur rush down stairs with turd flying through air in hot pursuit. They are chased into kitchen, where Vera picks up a broom and tries to swat it as it hovers in air.

WILBUR Kill it, Vera! Kill it!

VERA (To turd) Come on! Come on! No turd’s gonna chase me in my own home! (She swats it and kills it)

Wilbur rushes to Vera and embraces her. They stand next to stove with large pot on it.

WILBUR Oh my darling, you saved us! I owe you my life.

VERA Wilbur … you touched me.… You finally touched me.

As they embrace, Wilbur quizzically looks at pot.

WILBUR Were … were you cooking earlier?

VERA No … I haven’t been near the stove all day.…

Wilbur nervously approaches stove and grabs off lid of pot. We see Bambi’s head in pot, cooked. Vera and Wilbur jump back screaming in horror.

VERA BAMBI!

WILBUR (Getting aroused) She’s dead now … she can finally be mine … I wonder where the rest of her body is. Oh my, this could be kind of a turn-on.

VERA Wilbur, stop it! You embraced me a few seconds ago. You CAN control your perversion. This is no time for necrophilia!

WILBUR Still … I better check the parlor … I mean maybe the rest of her is down there. I could use a quickie.… (He rushes out)

VERA (Yelling after him) Our marriage really is in trouble, isn’t it, Wilbur?

Cut to Wilbur in parlor. Everything looks in order. He tiptoes about.

WILBUR Bambi … Bambi … your final lover is here.… (He looks in hiding places, discovers nothing) Where are you hiding? You naughty little torso. (Looks in closet, nothing) Just ‘cause your head is upstairs doesn’t mean I can’t love the rest of you down here where it’s more … private.

Suddenly parlor door slams closed with a bang. Wilbur jumps back in fright.

WILBUR Vera? Is that you, honey? I’ll be out in a minute. (Approaching coffin) I bet I know where you’re hiding! Yes, before you rest in peace, it’s time for one final roll in the hay!

Coffin lid pops open and a scantily clad Velveeta pops up into sitting position. Wilbur’s hair stands on end and he screams in terror. He makes a mad dash for door but it is locked from the outside, as he frantically turns knob. Velveeta slowly and deliberately climbs from coffin and advances to Wilbur like a professional wrestler. She is grunting and smiling.

VELVEETA Come on, Wilbur, I’m all ready for you. My pussy’s jumpin’ outa my drawers!

WILBUR No … please …

VELVEETA I’m gonna fuck you to death, baby!

WILBUR You don’t understand … please … you’re just not my type.

Velveeta lunges for him and tackles him, ripping off his coat and shirt. Wilbur cries out in terror.

Shot of Vera hearing Wilbur’s shrieks. She runs from kitchen to parlor door and tries to open it, but it’s locked.

Shot of Velveeta straddling a prone Wilbur.

WILBUR Help! Vera! Oh God, Help me!

VERA (Panicked) Who is it, Wilbur! Who’s in there?! (She grabs ax and begins chopping at door)

Velveeta goes wild on top of Wilbur.

VELVEETA Come on, you skinny bastard!

WILBUR You’re squashing me! I can’t do it like this!

VELVEETA You better or we’ll be here all night! Come on! Get it! Grip it! Get it! Grip it!

Vera axes door down and enters.

VERA (In shock) Get off him! That’s my husband you’re straddling!

WILBUR (Weakly) Help me, Vera.…

VERA (Suddenly furious) Wilbur, you can get aroused by a live woman! You’ve been holding out on me!

VELVEETA Come on, baby, you’re almost there.

WILBUR Vera, I have no choice.… (He starts moaning ecstatically) Vera, I love you.…

VERA Don’t climax, Wilbur, I’m warning you! I’ll leave you for good!

WILBUR I can’t help it.… (He starts moaning in orgasm)

VELVEETA That’s it! Concentrate! Ohhhh!

VERA No! Stop it! Wilbur! Stop it!

Wilbur goes into orgasm loudly. Velveeta laughs evilly.

VERA THAT DOES IT, YOU BASTARD! (She rushes out crying)

WILBUR (Clutching heart) Oh, God, my heart! Don’t leave me, Vera! Please! (Going into seizures) Vera, help me! I’m having a heart attack!

Wilbur has final seizures and goes limp, tongue protruding and eyeballs bulging. Velveeta gives chase to Vera.

Shot of Vera running out front door, sobbing hysterically. Velveeta follows her close behind, but Vera leaps in car and peels out as Velveeta grabs for door handles.

Dissolve to Vera airborne, holding gun on pilot in small plane. Vera wears goggles and long Red Baron scarf and a tiara spelling out F-I-L-T-H in jewels. Bomb is visible in back of plane.

Shot of Irma, Inez, Wiffle, and Waffle in trenches around tree fort.

Shot of plane in sky above tree fort skywriting F-I-L-T-H.

Shot of Vera, laughing hysterically.

Shot of groupies seeing plane and yelling into walkie-talkie.

INEZ AIR RAID! RED ALERT! (Sirens are heard) DUCK AND COVER! REPEAT, DUCK AND COVER!

Shot of Edie pledging allegiance to American flag that Doyle holds for her. They dive for cover under flag.

Shot of Crackers II and Cotton II jumping under chair and covering heads.

Shot of Divine grabbing Duane and “ducking and covering” under bed.

Shot of groupies shooting guns at planes.

Shot of Vera, struggling to lift ridiculous bomb. She heaves it over side of plane.

Shot of bomb falling from sky.

Shot of groupies ducking in trenches.

Shot of bomb hitting tree fort. Huge explosion.

Shot of Vera raising arm in victory in plane.

Shot of raging fire in tree fort. Fade-out.

Slow fade-in to large funeral wreath: “RIP Divine.” Organ music is heard.

Shot of Divine, outrageously laid out in ridiculously gaudy coffin. Long shot of entire funeral scene in front of burned-out tree fort. Grave is dug. Mourning tent has been set up for family. Mourners are the crème de la crème of filth society, some famous, some bizarre beyond words.

Shot of Edie with black eye and arm in sling, weeping uncontrollably as Doyle, scratched and bruised, comforts her.

Shot of Cotton II, deep in sorrow, being led through mourners’ line in front of coffin. She is accompanied by Wiffle and Waffle, who are both in wheelchairs.

Shot of Crackers II, now blind, with dark glasses and white cane, being led past coffin with Duane, who is in drag and wears a hearing aid.

Shot of minicam trucks and reporters filming the entire funeral as media event.

Shot of Inez, now in neck brace, throwing herself across coffin, while Irma tries to comfort her. Shot of Velveeta arriving in elaborate funeral outfit on the arm of Puddles.

Filth mourners rush over to kneel in tribute before them.

Shot of crying kidnapped children looking healthy, being comforted by parents.

Shot of mysterious woman, moving along in mourners’ line. She is overdressed and keeps face hidden by large black picture hat.

Shot of Crackers II, removing blind glasses subtly and peeking at mystery woman. We see mystery woman tilting hat up and realize that it is Vera Venninger.

Shot of Crackers II, eyes lighting up. He whispers to Duane, who hears perfectly despite hearing aid. Duane scampers up to Wiffle and Waffle and whispers. They look at Vera, hop out of wheelchairs, and run to Velveeta. Velveeta rubbernecks to get a look at Vera and nods.

Shot of Vera, who wears an expression of hatred as she nears Divine’s casket. Puddles runs to Edie and Doyle and whispers. Their eyes light up in glee and both remove their fake casts.

Shot of Vera in front of casket.

Shot of Divine looking beautiful and peaceful. Vera spits in Divine’s face. Suddenly, like a miracle, there is the sound of an explosion and coffin is engulfed in colored smoke. Vera jumps back in fear.

Shot of Crackers II and Cotton II smiling ecstatically. Coffin begins to spin around slowly in circle. Vera turns around to run, but Wiffle and Waffle step forward to block her exit.

Shot of newsmen dumbstruck.

Shot of kidnapped children in glee. Coffin is now spinning at great speed as sparks fly out and smoke explodes.

Shot of mourners in awe. Vera is absolutely horrified. Coffin gradually stops rotating and creakily rises to upright position. There is a moment of stunned silence. Divine’s eyes pop open. Vera trembles in disbelief.

DIVINE Vera Venninger, you’re in a shitload of trouble!

Mourners go wild. Vera tries to run. Divine reaches out and grabs her by back of hair. Wiffle, Waffle, Inez, and Irma step forward and seize her. Vera fights for her life, kicking, biting, and spitting. Each grabs a limb and they carry her off, stretching her, to the cheers of the crowd. Crackers II, Cotton II, and Duane rush over to kiss Divine. Divine begins posing wildly with coffin for press. Vera is carried to stake as mourners gather twigs and kindling for bonfire. Vera is tied to the stake, screaming. Edie steps forward and puts gag over her mouth. Divine approaches.

DIVINE Members of the press, I know you have deadlines, so I won’t waste valuable news time. The execution is about to take place. (To Vera) Any last words for the press, Vera? (Vera, gagged, struggles wildly) Can we quote you, my dear? (Vera struggles harder) You heard her. No comment! Vera Venninger, you are living proof that on the eighth day, God created assholes. Assholism is something that must be eradicated from society. You are about to receive a one-way ticket to ASSHOLE HELL! (Turning to crowd) Where are the lovely little children?

Shot of Tracy, Jimmy, and Larry with parents. Each holds a large box of kitchen matches.

DIVINE All ready, my innocent ones?

They nod happily and parents nudge them ahead.

DIVINE Strike them, my children. Fear not.

They strike matches and approach Vera at stake. They turn to Divine for approval.

DIVINE What are you waiting for? The hot dogs and marshmallows are all ready. PROCEED WITH THE BONFIRE!

Kids light kindling and fire quickly spreads. Vera is struggling wildly. Crowd looks on in revenge.

DIVINE BURN WITCH BURN!

Close-up of Vera’s face as flames engulf her.

Crowd begins wildly celebrating, dancing around bonfire in circle.

As Vera becomes a human torch, everyone passes out marshmallows and hot dogs and begins roasting them on sticks.

Shot of Vera’s charred face melting in flame.

Shot of kids happily popping marshmallows in mouths.

Slow fade-out.

Slow fade-in to Divine, Crackers II, Cotton II, Edie, and Duane sitting on fallen tree in beautiful nature scene.

DIVINE The time has come for flight once again, my children.

CRACKERS II Where should we go this time, Mama? Let’s go somewhere new!

COTTON II How about the Cape Canaveral area? That’s always sounded lovely to me.

EDIE I don’t care where we go as long as it’s not Czechoslovakia!

DUANE If we go to Cape Canaveral, can I become a eunuch?

COTTON II That’s a great new image for you, Duane. Once we move, I’m thinking of having my mouth removed surgically.

CRACKERS II That’s original, Cotton II. Maybe I’ll have my legs amputated. Wouldn’t I look cute on one of those little platforms wheeling myself down the street?

DIVINE Then, it’s settled? Cape Canaveral?

EDIE CAPE CANAVERAL IT IS!

DIVINE Cape Canaveral, get ready. You are about to receive into your community …

DUANE THE …

COTTON II FILTHIEST …

CRACKERS II PEOPLE …

EDIE ALIVE!

Dissolve to Divine, Edie, Crackers II, Cotton II, and Duane walking down the street in city. They carry suitcases and are dressed in traveling outfits. Suddenly a Baltimorean walks by with dog on leash. Dog keeps turning and sniffing at Divine. Divine smiles knowingly, as does rest of family.

Shot of dog yapping and panting at Divine. Divine winks sexily at dog. She pushes family away. Dog goes nuts on leash. Owner is horrified, tries to drag dog away. Divine’s family is clapping hands in glee. Divine crouches down, trying to fake out the dog. Dog does the same back and barks at Divine. Finally we see a dog turd hit the ground. Divine looks excited. Magically, a poof of smoke engulfs turd and turd has suddenly grown to large size. Dog freaks out, breaks away from owner, and runs. Owner flees in panic. Another series of explosions, weird sound effects, and turd is gigantic size. Divine climbs up on turd and beckons her family to get on. They climb up on turd and suddenly turd takes off into air.

Filthy citizens run to wave good-bye as it vanishes on horizon.

Cut to Divine and family flying on turd over Baltimore, wind in their hair, happy. Flying shots should be beautiful—similar to Thief of Bagdad. Final shot has Divine and family blowing kisses to camera as turd flies away like magic carpet over skyline.

Credit roll.

ALSO BY JOHN WATERS

Liarmouth: A Feel-Bad Romance

Mr. Know-It-All: The Tarnished Wisdom of a Filth Elder

Make Trouble

Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America

Role Models

Hairspray

Female Trouble

Multiple Maniacs

Art: A Sex Book (with Bruce Hainley)

Pink Flamingos

Flamingos Forever

Crackpot: The Obsessions of John Waters

Shock Value: A Tasteful Book About Bad Taste

A Note About the Author

John Waters is a writer, a film director, an actor, and a visual artist best known for his films, including Hairspray, Pink Flamingos, and Serial Mom. He is the author of the national bestsellers Role Models, Carsick, and Mr. Know-It-All, and the novel Liarmouth. His spoken-word shows This Filthy World, False Negative, End of the World, The Naked Truth, and A John Waters Christmas continue to be performed around the world. He lives in Baltimore, Maryland. You can sign up for email updates here.

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Copyright © 1988, 1996, 2005 by John Waters

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Originally published with two other screenplays by Vintage in 1988 under the title Trash Trio

Published with two other screenplays by Thunder’s Mouth Press in 1996 under the title Trash Trio and in 2005 under the title Pink Flamingos and Other Filth

First Picador edition, 2025

Cover design by Rachel Willey.

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, organizations, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

eISBN 9781250371287

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