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In Memory of Divine

MOLE AND MUFFY (SUSAN LOWE AND LIZ RENAY)

DESPERATE LIVING

WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND FILMED BY JOHN WATERS

Cast

Muffy St. Jacques | LIZ RENAY
Peggy Gravel | MINK STOLE
Mole McHenry | SUSAN LOWE
Queen Carlotta | EDITH MASSEY
Princess Coo-Coo | MARY VIVIAN PEARCE
Grizelda Brown | JEAN HILL
Flipper | COOKIE MUELLER
Shina | MARINA MELIN
Shotsie | SHARON NIESP
Lt. Wilson | ED PERANIO
Lt. Grogan | STEVE BUTOW
Lt. Williams | CHANNING WILROY
Bosley Gravel | GEORGE STOVER
Motorcycle Cop | TURKEY JOE
Muffy’s Husband | ROLAND HERTZ
Baby-sitter | PIRIE WOODS
Big Jimmy Dong | H. C. KLIEMISCH
Herbert | GEORGE FIGGS
Pervert | PAT MORAN
Nurse | DELORES DELUXE
Goons | PETER KOPER, STEVE PARKER, CHUCK YEATON, PETE DENZER, RALPH CROCKER, DAVID KLEIN

Art Director  VINCENT PERANIO

Costumes and Makeup  VAN SMITH

Director of Photography  THOMAS LOIZEAUX

Sound  ROBERT MAIER

Editor  CHARLES ROGGERO

Music  COMPOSED AND ARRANGED BY

            CHRIS LOBINGIER AND ALLEN YARUS

Opening credits are superimposed over elegant dinner table. A pair of black hands sets the table and pours some wine. Another course is served—this time a boiled rat heavily garnished. A pair of white hands with knife and fork enters the frame, cuts rat, and spears hunks of rat meat. Finally, the fork is set down and a rat bone is placed on center of plate.

Dissolve to shot of upper-class home. Shot of Grizelda, 350-pound maid, vacuuming. Children are playing ball. Bosley Gravel, thirty-five, cloddish, and preppy, is seen talking to distinguished psychiatrist.

DOCTOR You must realize, Bosley, your wife is one of the most neurotic women I’ve ever examined. I still think a few more months in the sanitarium would be helpful. It may be too early to trust her in her natural environment.

BOSLEY Oh, Doc, be optimistic! Peggy’s breakdown is part of the past now. I don’t want her in another mental hospital, I want her home with me and the kids. Dr. Evans, the road to mental health is just around the corner.

Shot of kids still playing baseball.

One hits a ball through window.

Interior Peggy Gravel’s bedroom. She is polishing her nails and always seems on the verge of a fit. She wears a leg brace. As ball crashes through her window, she lets out a shriek.

PEGGY I knew they’d try it. Trying to kill me in my own home! (Staggering toward window) It’s like WAR! Don’t tell me I don’t know what Vietnam is like! (Opening window and yelling) BRATS! BRATS! BRATS!

Shot of stunned kids looking up.

BOSLEY JR. Oh, Mom!

KID I’m sorry, Mrs. Gravel, I’ll pay for the window out of my allowance.

PEGGY GRAVEL (MINK STOLE)

PEGGY How about my life? Do you get enough allowance to pay for that?! I know you were trying to kill me! What’s the matter with the courts!? Do they allow this lawlessness and malicious destruction of property to run rampant?! I hate the Supreme Court! (She smashes vase) (She leans back out window) Go home to your mother! Doesn’t she ever watch you?! Tell her this isn’t some Communist daycare center! Tell your mother I hate her! Tell your mother I hate YOU!

Phone rings.

PEGGY (Continuing) Hello … (Furious) WHAT NUMBER ARE YOU CALLING!? … YOU’VE DIALED THE WRONG NUMBER!! … SORRY!?? WHAT GOOD IS THAT!? HOW CAN YOU EVER REPAY THE THIRTY SECONDS YOU’VE STOLEN FROM MY LIFE!? I HATE YOU, YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR CHILDREN, AND YOUR RELATIVES!

GOING OVER THE “RANT” WITH MINK

She slams down phone and exits.

She limps down the steps.

PEGGY (Sobbing) God … God … God … What did I do to deserve this!?

Grizelda, the 350-pound maid, rushes out.

GRIZELDA Miss Gravel, what’s the matter? You having another fit?

PEGGY Can’t my husband keep an eye on the children? Can’t that lazy moron do one thing!?

GRIZELDA The kids are just outside, they’re okay. Let me get you some of your fit medicine.

PEGGY (Crying uncontrollably) Grizelda, my life is in danger. (Hugging her) Please don’t let anyone hurt me. (Sobbing)

GRIZELDA There. There. You gotta keep calm, woman. You’re imagining things.

PEGGY That’s what you think! One of the neighborhood children just tried to murder me. I was sitting in my bedroom applying nail polish and he fired a rifle at me!

GRIZELDA Oh, Miss Gravel!

PEGGY It’s true! I must get the children before they’re kidnapped! (She rushes out)

GRIZELDA (Shaking her head) Good God almighty.

PEGGY (Walking to attic) (Frantically) Beth!? … Bosley Jr.?!!

Shot of kids in attic. They are nude, innocently playing doctor. Bosley Jr. examines Beth with a toy stethoscope.

BOSLEY JR. Breathe hard. (She does) Do it again.

BETH (Giggles as she breathes) Let me do it to you.

Peggy enters and goes berserk when she sees them.

PEGGY SODOMITES! (She rushes to them) CAUGHT RIGHT IN A SEX ORGY! FILTHY! DIRTY! FILTHY!

BOSLEY JR. (Crying) We’re only playing.

PEGGY (Slapping them) Is that what you learned in private school!!?

BETH Don’t, Mother, we’re only playing!

PEGGY (Hysterically to herself) NUDE! NUDE! NUDE! (Suddenly seriously) You could be pregnant, Beth! (To Bosley Jr.) And YOU.… I never thought you’d rape your own sister! (Suddenly wildly, to no one in particular) OH GOD, THE CHILDREN ARE HAVING SEX!!

Shot of Bosley, in living room, reading the Wall Street Journal. He hears Peggy shrieking in background and gets up to go check it out.

Bosley enters kitchen. Grizelda is drinking liquor out of a fifth.

BOSLEY Where’s Peg— (Sees Grizelda) (Sarcastically) THIRSTY, GRIZELDA??

Grizelda puts down bottle, wipes her mouth, and ignores him.

GRIZELDA (Doing chores suddenly) You better see about your wife, she’s having one of her mental fits.

BOSLEY I thought you had been stealing my liquor!

GRIZELDA Ain’t nobody stealing nothing from you, Mr. Gravel.

BOSLEY We’ll see about that! (He goes over to liquor cabinet and pulls out a fifth) You didn’t know I marked these, did you? Here. Look here. See this pencil line? That was marked just yesterday. You’ve had quite a few cocktails, haven’t you? (Grizelda picks up her purse) What else have you pilfered, Grizelda? I think I’ll have a look in that purse.

GRIZELDA You ain’t lookin’ in my purse.

BOSLEY Why not? Got something to hide?

GRIZELDA Don’t you know men aren’t supposed to look in a lady’s handbag?

BOSLEY Lady?! YOU’RE FIRED, GRIZELDA! No wonder you people are always in the unemployment line. NOW, GIVE ME THAT BAG!

GRIZELDA (Struggling) I don’t want no white man lookin’ at my Tampax!

BOSLEY (Grabbing her bag and going through it) I wouldn’t worry about your Tampax if I were you! … WELL, look at this! … My savings account book … WITH withdrawal slips … my lottery tickets … and two rolls of toilet paper! (Grabbing her arm) I’m now placing you under citizen’s arrest. I’m going to call the police and report you!

GRIZELDA Get off me, milk head.

Peggy comes running in hysterically.

PEGGY (Seeing Bosley) I see you’re finally here! It’s a little late, isn’t it? The children are having sex. Beth is pregnant. I narrowly escaped assassination a few moments ago. Will you please do something!

BOSLEY (Trying to hug her) Ah, honey. It’s just your mind playing tricks.

PEGGY Get off me! My skin crawls when you touch it! I could rip your lips off! (She runs upstairs weeping)

BOSLEY Peggy! Peggy!

PEGGY Am I living in hell? Is that it!? Have I gone straight to hell?!

In kitchen.

BOSLEY (To Grizelda) Don’t leave this kitchen, Grizelda! I’m going to give Peggy her medication and I will be back to deal with you.

Peggy is sobbing in her room, putting on perfume. Bosley enters.

BOSLEY Peg …?

PEGGY Get out!

BOSLEY Let’s have a little medication, all right? (Takes out syringe) You’re just upset. Now, what’s the matter? Everything was going so well.…

PEGGY Get out of here, you stinking piece of flesh!

BOSLEY (Advancing) Don’t say those things, Peggy. Come on, this will make you feel better. Give me your arm. (He touches her)

PEGGY (Jumps up, repulsed) YOU TOUCHED ME! OH GOD, MY FLESH IS ROTTING! THE TOUCH OF SCUM!

BOSLEY Stop it, Peggy. Don’t make me use force. Now, let me give you your shot or I’ll have to call the hospital.

PEGGY STAY AWAY!

She throws perfume in his face, blinding him.

BOSLEY (Staggering) Oh God … Peggy, I’m going to have to commit you again! (He drops syringe)

PEGGY Try it!

Peggy kicks him in the crotch and cracks him over the head with champagne bottle.

PEGGY HELP! GRIZELDA, HELP ME! HE’S TRYING TO KILL ME! HELP!

Grizelda rushes up steps with broom.

Grizelda enters as Bosley comes to and tries to stand.

GRIZELDA BACK OFF, ASSHOLE! (She hits him over the head with broom) Are you all right, Mrs. Gravel? Did he hurt you?

PEGGY (Hysterical) No, but he tried! (Bosley begins moving and Peggy starts screaming) LOOK! LOOK! HE’S ATTACKING!

Grizelda rushes over, sits on his face, and slowly smothers him.

GRIZELDA Down, boy, down!

PEGGY (Panicked) He’s dead, isn’t he?

GRIZELDA (JEAN HILL): MURDER BY DERRIÈRE

GRIZELDA We’re in big trouble now, Miss Gravel!!

PEGGY (Completely crazed) OH GOD, HE’S DEAD!

They both run from room screaming.

They run out of house, jump into Mercedes, and leave.

Grizelda and Peggy are fleeing the murder scene in Mercedes. They are out in the country.

PEGGY Why did you bring me out here, Grizelda? To torture me? You know I hate nature! Look at these disgusting trees stealing my oxygen! (Shot of car running over dead dog in the road) I CAN’T STAND THIS SCENERY ANOTHER MINUTE! ALL NATURAL FORESTS SHOULD BE TURNED INTO HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS! I WANT CEMENT COVERING EVERY BLADE OF GRASS IN THIS NATION! DON’T WE TAXPAYERS HAVE A VOICE ANYMORE? …

GRIZELDA (Suddenly losing patience) Do you ever shut up?! The police are looking for us, you know. We’re gonna camp out here overnight.

PEGGY (Terrified) CAMP OUT? NO, PLEASE, GRIZELDA! NOT THAT! I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU ASK BUT PLEASE NOT THAT!

Grizelda screeches on brakes, jumps out, and runs to Peggy’s side and pulls her out by collar.

GRIZELDA Now you listen to me, Mrs. Peggy Gravel!! You better calm yourself down before I haul off and smack you upside your wide, wide head! We killed your husband! I ain’t your maid anymore, bitch! I am your SISTER IN CRIME!

PEGGY Please … don’t sit on me.

GRIZELDA (Seeing Motorcycle Cop approach) Here come the honkers already!

Cop jumps from bike with gun drawn and begins to frisk them.

COP Okay, witches! Up against the car!! Arms up on the roof! One false move and your heads will be flying through the trees!

GRIZELDA What is this? Are you kidding me?

COP Does it look like I’m kidding, Mau Mau?

PEGGY Officer, I’m an outpatient from the hospital and I’m very prone to anxiety attacks, so please treat me with therapeutic courtesy.

COP HA! I know who you are. There’s an all-points bulletin out for both of you. You’re Peggy Gravel and you killed your husband!

PEGGY That’s preposterous! We were about to have a picnic.

COP Don’t give me that shit—you were trying to escape to Mortville.

GRIZELDA I never heard of no town called Mortville.

COP Well, you should have, ’cause you belong there. It’s a special town for people like you two; people who should be so embarrassed by what they done. I just might let you go there, that is, if you cooperate.

GRIZELDA What do we have to do for you, Sheriff Shit-face?

COP Sit up on that car hood, you’ll see. (His gums start to bleed) I got something to show you first. (He takes down pants to reveal complete woman’s lingerie) You like lingerie? I got some on I thought you might like to see. You like these little numbers? I sent away for ’em from Frederick’s. They was expensive! (Shot of Peggy and Grizelda in shocked disbelief) (Moaning) OOOOOOHHHHHHH, I like the feel of that cold nylon on my big butt! OHHHHHHHH.

PEGGY Will you please stop it! I have never found the antics of deviates to be one bit amusing.

COP (To Grizelda) What I like best is a French kiss when I’m dressed.

GRIZELDA Don’t expect a kiss from me, liver lips!

COP Take off your underpants! Come on, hand ’em over.

GRIZELDA I knew cops were sick but … (She takes them off and gives them to him)

COP (Aroused) Oh! These are big ones! A little plain for my taste but I think I’ll slip them on … there! How does that look? Pretty sexy, huh? Now, how about that kiss?

GRIZELDA If I kiss you, will you let us go?

CROSS-DRESSING IN THE POLICE FORCE

COP (Wagging his tongue obscenely) You bet!!! (He advances) I want a wet one, now. (They kiss passionately, he slobbers disgustingly) OOOHHHH! (He wipes his bleeding gums) Goddamn gums! Yeah, that was a real soul kiss!

GRIZELDA (Wiping her mouth) Okay, buster, you had your fun. Now, which way to Mortville?

COP I ain’t through yet. (To Peggy) Mrs. Gravel, I’d like to examine your underpants.

PEGGY I will not!

COP I thought you wanted to go to Mortville. They let … KILLERS live there, scot-free.

PEGGY (Modestly takes them off) I have never been so mortified in my entire life. (Throws him her panties) HERE, FLOTSAM!

COP (He catches them in mouth) That’s more like it! MMMMMMMMMM. These are from Bloomingdale’s, you got good taste. I think I’ll try and fit my big business into ’em. (Puts them on) They’re tight but they sure feel good!! (Peggy and Grizelda look at each other in astonishment) (To Peggy) Now do I get my little kiss-kiss?

PEGGY Please … I swear I’ll gag. Mount me if you must, but please—not a kiss!

COP (Advancing on Peggy) Come on now … I’m all dressed up in my pretty underthings and I need a little lip suction. (He kisses her repulsively) (Gums bleed)

A FEW POINTERS FROM THE DIRECTOR

AAAHHHHH I wish I could stick my whole head in your mouth and have you suck out my eyeballs! Would you like that? (Panting) I bet you would! (Falling to ground, moaning and gurgling in climax) (Peggy and Grizelda watch in disgusted silence) What are you hogs looking at? Go on—the show’s over! Beat it! Mortville’s up in the woods—follow the dirt road before I haul your ass to jail!!!

Peggy and Grizelda rush off.

Peggy and Grizelda struggle through wooded area in mist. They come to a clearing and we see Mortville, a hideous rural slum. Everything is made out of trash and garbage, including the houses. Hideous bums, perverts, and psychopaths walk the street as well-dressed “tourists” point and snap photos. Leather-clad Goons patrol the street harassing the pitiful citizens. In the distance we see a cheesy fairy-tale castle. Peggy and Grizelda walk through town, clutching on to each other in fear. They approach pie-wagon manned by cretinish Pieman.

GRIZELDA I’ll take a slice, please.

PIEMAN Lemon meringue or chocolate?

GRIZELDA Chocolate.

PIEMAN That’ll be ten cent.

GRIZELDA (Paying him) Could you recommend a rooming house where we could spend the night? (Pieman laughs stupidly in her face) (Grizelda gives him a dirty look and moves)

WELCOME TO MORTVILLE

PEGGY I don’t think I like it here. It’s dirty and … the people are repulsive.

GRIZELDA We don’t have much choice, Peggy. It’s better than jail.

PEGGY I tell you, Grizelda, something’s wrong here. Look around, it’s a village of idiots! (Shot of decrepit Mortville citizens)

GRIZELDA Can’t you act normal!? Just act normal for a change!

They see “For Rent” sign in front of crummy house.

PEGGY No, please! There must be a Quality Court or something! I can’t go in that hogpen!

GRIZELDA Oh, shut up. (Rings bell)

Mole McHenry answers the door. She is extremely masculine—bleached DA haircut and her face covered with moles and pimples. She is dressed in rags. She blows nose onto street by holding one nostril.

MOLE (Rudely) Can I help you?

PEGGY We’ve been raped, please give us shelter!

MOLE You were raped?

GRIZELDA Don’t pay no attention to her—look, we need to rent a room.

A NEW HOME

MOLE You got money on you?

PEGGY I am a very wealthy woman.

MOLE Yeah? And I’m Cybill Shepherd. Come on in here—we might work something out. That is, IF you got money.

They walk into atrocious, poverty-stricken living room.

MOLE My name’s Mole. Mole McHenry.

PEGGY I’m Peggy Gravel. It’s nice to meet you.

Mole gives her a dirty look and spits.

GRIZELDA I’m Grizelda, Grizelda Brown. I’m Peggy’s … psychiatric nurse.

MOLE The room’s out back, nothing fancy but it’s a roof over your head. Come on, I’ll show you. (They exit)

They walk through seedy bedroom. Someone is in the bed, under covers.

MOLE Shhh! My girl friend’s sleeping.

They walk across back lawn to hideous shack.

MOLE You’re lucky it’s empty. My last tenant shot himself in here last night. The dumb fuck left a mess everywhere!

They walk into shack. Bed is unmade with stained sheets and the corpse of old bum lies on bed.

MOLE Damn, it stinks in here! Well, what d’you think? You want it or not?

GRIZELDA (Holding her nose, gagging) Will … he be removed?

MOLE Yeah, I’ll get the stiff outa here but don’t think I have time for all the chores in the world. (Picking up bloodstained sheets) And no linens until I soak these in cold water … and we don’t have no toilets in Mortville.

PEGGY Well, how do we …?

MOLE I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination.

PEGGY I see … I see.

MOLE (To Grizelda) How much cash you got?

GRIZELDA (Looking in bag) Well … I …

MOLE (Snatching her bag) Gimme that! (Going through wallet) Six bucks!! (Excited) Hey, you are a rich one … a lottery ticket!!! I’ll take that too and I’ll win it! … What’s this? A bankbook. (Throws it down) A lot of good that’ll do you here!

PEGGY (Panicked) There … there aren’t any banks in Mortville?

MOLE There ain’t nothing here, lady! Nobody’s got one red cent in Mortville except for that queen!!!

GRIZELDA The Queen? Could she help us?

MOLE You got a lot to learn about living in Mortville.

GRIZELDA We’d like to take the room.

MOLE It’s all yours, sweetheart. You hungry? I’m going to eat myself some chow and I got a little extra. Looks like you got a big appetite.

PEGGY I’d be happy to help with the preparation.

MOLE (Disgustedly) Oh, this one takes the cake!

They enter Mole’s living room.

MOLE You both sure are ugly bitches. Go on, sit down. (Yelling offscreen) Hey, Muffy, we got company. (She throws crummy plates and broken plastic forks down on table)

PEGGY We really hadn’t planned on coming here. We’re from the Guilford neighborhood in Baltimore.

MOLE I been to Baltimore a few times. Bumberg! I hate it, all them hillbilly fucks lookin’ at you.

GRIZELDA If you want the truth, we had no choice but to come to Mortville.

PEGGY We’re in a lot of trouble. You see, I’m quite prominent and we … accidentally killed my husband.

MOLE Hey, I don’t care what you did! Nobody’s in Mortville for a vacation. We all did something or we wouldn’t be here in the first place. (Takes out a raw possum) Dinner’s served!

PEGGY (Appalled) I’m really not that hungry.

MOLE (Riled up) I invited you to dinner and you accepted!! You’ll eat this if I have to jam it down your throat! (Starts carving it) (Handing Grizelda a portion) HEY MUFFY, I CALLED you to DINNER! Do I have to come in there and smack you?!! (Hands Peggy a serving)

Muffy St. Jacques enters, still half asleep. She is an exaggerated blond glamour-girl type, va-va-voom figure, dressed in skimpy, see-through curtains she has pieced together for clothes.

MUFFY You don’t have to shout the house down—I heard you all right already.

MOLE This is my girl friend, Muffy St. Jacques. The most beautiful woman in all of Mortville.

MUFFY Hi. (She rubs breasts suggestively in Peggy’s face)

MOLE This is Grizelda.… (To Peggy) And I forget your name.

PEGGY Peggy. Peggy Gravel. It’s a pleasure. We rent the room out back so I guess we’ll be neighbors.

MUFFY Oh really? I sleep in that room right near you—NAKED!!

MOLE You’re five minutes late for dinner, Muffy. Don’t you remember our little talk about your laziness?

MUFFY I was having an erotic dream.

MOLE I warned you about thinking about men before your afternoon nap! Dirty thoughts about dirty men bring on dirty dreams and you’re a dirty girl, Muffy!

THE LUSCIOUS MUFFY ST. JACQUES

MUFFY I can’t help what I think about, Mole. It’s not my fault Mr. Sandman’s not a bulldozer like you.

MOLE I’m warning you, Muffy.

MUFFY Oh, Mole, sometimes I need a man.

MOLE I’m a man, Muffy. A man trapped in a woman’s body.

MUFFY Oh, but Mole, you don’t have that same big deal.

She reaches for food and Mole spears her hand with carving fork.

MOLE Take it back!!

MUFFY Oh God, Mole, it hurts! Take it out!

MOLE Take back what you said to me!

MUFFY I’m sorry, Mole. You’re the only one! I love you, my man, I’m only queer for you, Mole!

Mole takes fork out, Muffy rubs hand.

MOLE That’s better, Muffy. (To guests) Muffy knows how I feel about men; I’m not one to be pushed over my limit.

MUFFY That hurt.

Two Mortville Goons bust in door.

GOON 1 (To Peggy and Grizelda) There they are! Don’t move, scags.

GOON 2 You both are under arrest by the order of Her Majesty Queen Carlotta. Anything you say could put you in front of the firing squad!!

GRIZELDA Take it easy. We’re not fightin’ you.

PEGGY (Hysterical, weeping) Help us! Please help us!

MOLE Don’t worry. It’s standard procedure in Mortville.

MUFFY Can I get you a cup of gin or anything, officer?

GOON 1 Stay back, peasant woman! (He hustles Peggy and Grizelda out the door)

Inside paddy wagon. It is a dark, bumpy ride. Peggy breaks down sobbing as Grizelda comforts her. Grizelda kisses her lightly. Peggy responds but then her eyes open wide in disbelief at what is happening.

PEGGY Oh, Grizelda, I can’t.

GRIZELDA Peggy! Peggy!

Paddy wagon stops in front of Queen Carlotta’s fairy-tale castle. Drawbridge comes down and Peggy and Grizelda are dragged inside. SS-type soldiers hang out in hallway making obscene gestures and trying to maul prisoners as they are led by. In background we see framed portraits of Idi Amin, Hitler, and Manson.

Peggy and Grizelda are dragged into throne room over to custom-built kneelers built with restraints.

Peggy and Grizelda are weeping, terrified.

GOON 2 That’s where they all belong! Down on their knees!

GOON 1 (Chaining them) (In mock baby voices) Don’t be crying, CRYBABY! DADDY’S NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU!

A royal page enters and blows trumpet.

GOON 3 Her Majesty, The Honorable Queen Carlotta of Mortville.

Queen Carlotta enters, being carried by Goons on platform. She is in her sixties, overweight, has very few teeth, and wears a perpetual sneer. She struggles into her elaborate throne.

QUEEN Welcome to Mortville, ladies! I read in the big-city papers that you are wanted for murder; the murder of a certain Mr. Bosley Gravel.

PEGGY We only …

QUEEN (Furious) YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY FLOW OF POWER! GIVE THESE PEASANTS A LITTLE DINNER, LIEUTENANT WILSON! I BET THEY’RE HUNGRY AFTER A LONG DAY OF BREAKING LAWS!

Wilson brings out platter of roaches and forces them down their throats.

WILSON Eat these goddamn roaches!

THE GOONS

QUEEN CARLOTTA (EDITH MASSEY)

QUEEN Now listen to me, riffraff! Every word I ever utter is to be taken as a direct royal proclamation! … OR FACE DEATH BY THE FIRING SQUAD!

GRIZELDA (Petrified) Yes … ma’am.

QUEEN MA’AM?! I am Your Royal Highness and I demand you address me as such!

GRIZELDA Yes … Your Royal Highness.

QUEEN (Smiles) Let’s show them we’re not kidding, Lieutenant Wilson. Bring in the prisoner.

Wilson brings in Eater, a horrid biker type.

QUEEN Any last words, goon face?

EATER You can lick my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig!

QUEEN Oh, ready, aim, fire.

Eater is shot by Goons.

QUEEN (To a stunned Peggy and Grizelda) I advise you to listen carefully, rubbish! Royal proclamation number one: (Trumpet sounds) As long as you live in Mortville, I must always be considered your God! If you should ever see me on the streets, fall to your knees and shout, “I honor you, Queen Carlotta!” Royal proclamation number two: (Trumpet sounds) You must live here in constant mortification, solely existing to bring me and my tourists a few moments of royal amusement. I am not responsible for your income, living conditions, or personal happiness. Have I made myself perfectly clear?

EATER AND LIEUTENANT WILSON (KENNY ORYE AND ED PERANIO)

GRIZELDA Yes … Your Royal Majesty.

QUEEN And you … Mrs. Gravel, murderess?

PEGGY You’ve made yourself quite clear.

QUEEN Your …?

PEGGY Your Royal Majesty.

QUEEN So be it. Lieutenant Williams, take them to our ugly experts and give them a complete overhaul. (To Peggy and Grizelda) When you walk down the streets of Mortville, make sure you dress like what you are. TRASH! (To Lieutenant) REMOVE THEM! (They are dragged out) (Relaxing) Ah, are my duties of discipline ever over? Remove me from this contraption, Lieutenant Wilson.

WILSON (Genuflecting) I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

QUEEN Oh, yes … I know, I know. Just get me into my royal cot and be quick.

A royal cot is wheeled in and she is placed in it. Cot has horn.

WILLIAMS If it pleases the Queen, Royal Security has reported that Princess Coo-Coo has returned to the castle. She’s been out all night again … (Coughs) with that garbageman!

QUEEN (Pained) Oh, that child’ll be the death of me yet. Take me to her chambers.

PRINCESS COO-COO (MARY VIVIAN PEARCE)

Queen is wheeled down hall, honking at Goons in the way, who genuflect. They wheel her to Princess’s chamber.

Ridiculously frilly bedroom. Princess Coo-Coo, in her royal drag, sits on bed reading a love comic book. She wears her hair in Shirley Temple curls and her face is a grotesque mass of makeup. She looks like a young Baby Jane.

QUEEN (Barging in) I’ll call you when I need you, Lieutenant Williams. Coo-Coo, I must have a little talk with you.

COO-COO Oh, leave me alone, Mummy, I’ve had a wonderful evening and I don’t want it spoiled with your nosy nagging.

QUEEN A wonderful evening? … With a garbageman?!

COO-COO He’s not a garbageman … he just helps pick up trash at the nudist colony.

QUEEN I hardly think a nudist janitor is a proper escort for a royal princess!

COO-COO I’m thirty-eight years old and I can date who I please. You’ve got no right to order me around like one of your subjects!

QUEEN You may not realize it, Coo-Coo, but you have an awesome responsibility on your shoulders. One day all of Mortville will be yours and you must learn to rule with dignity.

COO-COO (Throwing crown down—Queen is shocked) I’m not going to be queen of anywhere! I want to marry Herbert.

QUEEN Herbert!!? Is that his name!?

COO-COO It’s a beautiful name!

QUEEN You’d step down from the throne for the love of a mutant?

COO-COO Oh, Mummy, I love him.

QUEEN Well, I won’t have it! I’m afraid I’m going to have to punish you, Coo-Coo. You are forbidden to leave your room until your fortieth birthday!

COO-COO (Having a fit) I won’t stay in this castle! I love Herbert and I’m going to marry him and you won’t stop me! (Nose starts bleeding) Now you’ve given me another nosebleed! I hate this stupid town! (Weeping with nosebleed, throwing her head back) Get out of here. Leave me in peace!

Lieutenant Wilson enters.

WILSON (Checking for trouble) Excuse me, Your Highness.…

QUEEN Take me to my bedroom and lock Coo-Coo in for the night.

COO-COO (Stomping her feet, crying) NO! NO! NO!

Queen is wheeled out and door is locked.

QUEEN That daughter of mine is a delinquent. I’m going to have to take drastic steps with her.

Queen Carlotta’s royal bedroom. She is wheeled in and struggles toward bed.

WILSON Can you make it, Your Majesty?

QUEEN I suppose.

Wilson shoves her onto bed.

QUEEN (Flirting) I believe it’s your night to service me, Lieutenant Wilson.

WILSON (Stripping) I am always eager, Your Highness. (He gets into bed)

QUEEN Whip it out and show it hard. Come on, daddy, fuck me! Ooh, glow little inchworm! Look at that pelt! Look at those balls!

Wilson starts to kiss her.

QUEEN Don’t bother with the head! The V of my crotch is what needs attention! (He mounts her)

WILSON I can fuck like a bandit, Your Highness.

QUEEN Well, rob my safety-deposit box, then. Dig for gold, baby. Dig for gold!

WILSON Oh … Your Highness. I’m entering the royal tunnel!

QUEEN Go, daddy. Go all night. Get it, get it, get it!

Mole’s living room.

Grizelda and Peggy enter, done up in the new Mortville style forced on them by the “ugly expert.” Peggy has dyed black hair and tacky outfit. Grizelda has gone blond and wears a ridiculous sequined tutu.

Mole and Muffy jump up.

MOLE (To Peggy) Pretty outfits.

Mole and Muffy start laughing at their foolish clothes.

PEGGY (Angry) Funny, is it!? Well, let me tell you I wouldn’t wear this outfit to a dogfight! You two may have resigned yourselves to a subhuman life in this slum of a town, but I, Peggy Gravel, have not!

A NEW FASHION LOOK

MUFFY You better hush up before Mole loses her temper and smacks you.

GRIZELDA Just shut up, Peggy.

PEGGY No I won’t shut up! You shut up! I’ll tell you—my blue blood is about ready to boil!

MOLE Hey, you listen to me, wacko! See this fist? I’m about ready to use that hatchet face of yours as a punching bag! Now sit down and shut up!

GRIZELDA Mole’s right, Peggy. I’m sick of listening to your bitching! Next time you feel a fit coming on, go outside and bitch. Bitch at the trees, bitch at the air, but don’t bitch at us!

PEGGY (Weakly) My bitching isn’t relieved if there’s no one to hear it.

MUFFY Well, we can’t all be your psychiatrist, honey. We got problems of our own.

PEGGY Why … why are you in Mortville?

MUFFY Oh, it’s a long, ugly story.

MOLE Tell her, Muffy, maybe she’d stop feeling sorry for herself.

MUFFY I didn’t always used to be like this. I mean, I’ve always been visually stunning but … I used to be married and I had a baby named Freddie. It was about three years ago and my husband and I were returning from a cocktail party …

Flashback.

Interior car. Muffy, looking younger and more suburban, is fuming next to her square Husband, who is drunk behind the wheel.

MUFFY Let me drive!

HUSBAND Get off! I can drive! Always trying to boss me around!

MUFFY You’re drunk, per usual. Every time we step out of the house you get dead drunk!

HUSBAND When you’re married to a nag, a man’s gotta drink.

MUFFY First I have to be mortified in front of our friends, now I have to be mortified in front of the baby-sitter. I suppose I’ll have to drive her home.

HUSBAND I’ll take her! (Swerving)

MUFFY (Grabbing wheel) You’ll take her all right! Straight to the graveyard! NOW LET ME DRIVE!

HUSBAND GET OFF!

They pull up in front of their suburban home. The babysitter is having a wild party. Kids are drunk on the lawn and the house is all lit up. Muffy and Husband rush in. Kids panic, jump through windows, knock over furniture. Muffy runs past drunk who has passed out after vomiting on picture of Husband.

MUFFY (Trying to find her baby) Freddie!! Freddie!! Oh, God, my little Freddie!!

Husband sees his liquor gone, starts fighting with kids. Falls down drunkenly.

HUSBAND Get off my liquor, you little punk!

MUFFY (Runs up steps, knocking kids out of the way, into nursery. Baby’s crib is empty) FREDDIE! OH GOD, FREDDIE!! (Runs into master bedroom. Sitter is half nude on a bad trip in Muffy’s bed, making love with hippie jerk. Muffy’s clothes are thrown all over the room)

MUFFY (Smacking her) Linda! Where’s Freddie?

LINDA I don’t know, I’m tripping!

MUFFY (Shaking her) Where is my baby?!!

LINDA I think I put him in the kitchen.

Muffy runs down steps and into kitchen frantically searching for baby. She hesitates, opens refrigerator door, and we see screaming baby inside. Muffy snatches him out, hugging him, trying to comfort his hysterical tears. Linda enters, hallucinating.

LINDA Hey, you got any downers?

MUFFY (Shaking her) You filthy tramp! My baby was in the refrigerator!!

LINDA So don’t pay me! Don’t pay me!

MUFFY (Outraged) PAY YOU? WHY, YOU LITTLE SNIP!

Muffy hits Linda over head with frying pan and then forces her semiconscious face into big bowl of dog food on floor, painfully smothering her.

Husband enters and tries to pull Muffy off victim.

HUSBAND Are you crazy? Are you trying to kill her!?

MUFFY (Shoves him) You drunken sot! (Screaming uncontrollably, totally flipped out) GET YOUR STINKING LIQUOR BREATH OUT OF MY FACE!!!

Muffy runs to car and tries to flee. Husband tries to lean in car to grab her and she puts power window up on his neck and drives off, dragging a kicking and screaming torso behind her.

Flashback dissolves.

Return to scene.

Grizelda and Peggy are in awe.

MUFFY (Softly crying) I’ve never seen my baby again. The press still calls me the “dog-food murderess.” I can never go back. I couldn’t bear the shame.

GRIZELDA And you, Mole? … What happened to you?

MOLE I been in Mortville for ten long years and I tell ya—it isn’t very pretty what a town without pity can do. What brought me here was a championship wrestlin’ match. It was back in 1966, and I was fightin’ under the name of Wrasslin’ Rita. My challenger was Big Jimmy Dong, the Human Blockhead.

Flashback.

Wrasslin’ Rita is dressed in leopard-print wrestling outfit with obscene vagina sculpted on front.

Wrasslin’ Rita rushes out and fans throw beer cans.

Fight. Wrasslin’ Rita flips him around, screeching grotesquely. Wrasslin’ Rita finally kicks him in balls and attacks with high heel, gouging out his eye. She then stomps on his eyeball. She goes wild and attacks referee with mike cord and strangles him.

Flashback dissolves.

WRASSLIN’ RITA (SUSAN LOWE)

THE END OF A CAREER

MOLE That ended my professional wrasslin’ career and I’ve been here ever since, sitting in my own stink and trying to figure a way out. But our luck’s gonna be changin’, right, Muff?

MUFFY (Beaming) Right, Mole! We’re going to win that lottery!

PEGGY I believe that was our lottery ticket!

MOLE (Jumping up) It WAS yours. But you rented a room, asswipe, and that ticket’s mine now.

PEGGY (Going nuts) You better give me my share! We need money. We’re not trash like you! We’re not used to this low-class life!

MOLE I’ll wipe the floor up with you! (They start struggling)

MUFFY Kill her, Mole! Break her arms! Rip her hair out!

GRIZELDA (Butting in) Break it up. (Getting Peggy in headlock) (They stop) Now, stop it, you two! Those lottery tickets aren’t any good anyway! The odds are a million to one!

MUFFY Don’t say that! You’ll hex our good luck!

MOLE I’m warnin’ you both! You better stay out of my way, because when ole Mole gets mean, there’s no telling what she’ll do.

GRIZELDA Peggy, I think it’s time for bed now. We both need a good night’s sleep.

PEGGY I’ll sleep all right! Maybe in my dreams I can forget this rotten little town and its disgusting population! As far as I’m concerned, you two BELONG in Mortville.

Fade to shot of moon with dogs howling in background.

Shot of Grizelda and Peggy asleep on single cot. Grizelda is completely nude except for pair of high-top tennis shoes. Grizelda rolls over on top of a terrified Peggy and begins mauling her.

Intercut with Muffy and Mole wildly making love.

Grizelda starts moaning and forcing Peggy down on her. Peggy gives in and we see her head disappear offscreen.

PEGGY If it’s good enough for Gertrude Stein …

GRIZELDA Get it! Get it! Get it!

Grizelda moans in ecstasy. Fade out.

Fade in to shot of sunrise in Mortville.

Shot of Muffy and Mole asleep. Roaches crawl over Muffy’s ass.

Shot of Mortville Goons banging on doors and yelling through loudspeaker.

GOON A Wake up, you pitiful creatures!

GOON B Get your fat asses outa the sack! First busload of tourists about to enter!

Shot of Mole going to door.

GUARD (Nailing proclamations) Royal proclamation! All residents must read the royal proclamation. (Puts one on Mole’s door) (Mole comes to door) Here, stupid. Hahahahahahaha!

She reads it and storms into bedroom. Muffy is getting up.

MOLE You won’t believe this, Muffy!

MUFFY What now?

MOLE That cow has gone too far this time! Listen to this shit: “Royal Proclamation—Queen Carlotta has declared today as Backwards Day. All residents must wear their clothes backwards and walk backwards at all times. Anyone who fails to perform for the tourists will be immediately executed!”

MUFFY Ah, God. You mean we have to walk around backwards all day?

MOLE It looks that way, Muffy.

MUFFY On an empty stomach yet. I’m starvin’ to death, Mole.

MOLE (Enters kitchen) The cupboard’s bare, Muffy. It ain’t right to wake up hearing your own stomach growling.

(Growling)

MUFFY (Entering) We’ll have to wait until the food dump, I guess.

MOLE (Searching for food) Everywhere I look’s a big nothing! I’d eat anything.

MUFFY I know, Mole. I’m so hungry I could eat cancer!

A cat comes in door with a dead rat in his mouth.

MOLE Well, isn’t this a godsend! (Takes rat from his mouth) Pussy brought daddy some breakfast? (Throws it in pan, spits for grease, and lights rubbish fire to cook it) I hope those other two aren’t expecting a Continental breakfast, ‘cause old Mole’s gonna chomp this down in one big bite! (She begins to cook it)

Cut to shot of big junk-food breakfast. Queen Carlotta is in her bed, packing it away. Zoom back to reveal whole bed filled with huge junk-food breakfast. Bird lands on window.

QUEEN Well, good morning, little birdie! You’re a cute little fellow. Want some pizza? (Feeds him) Hungry, huh? Yes. Birdie, birdie, birdie. I bet you flew all the way to Mortville just to see Backwards Day, didn’t you? Well, you flew to the right window, ‘cause I am your queen! (Bird chirps)

Lieutenant Wilson barges in.

WILSON Excuse me, Your Majesty, but Princess Coo-Coo has escaped from her royal bedroom.

QUEEN (Alarmed) She WHAT?! That little M.F.! (Trying to get out of bed) Come on! Get me into my cot!

WILSON (Blows whistle to signal—other soldiers run in) I honor you, Your Majesty!

They lift her to cot and wheel her out. Queen honks horn impatiently as they go down hall.

Queen is rolled into Coo-Coo’s bedroom. Window is open with sheets knotted together and hanging down.

On the mirror, written in lipstick: “Fuck you, Mummy.”

QUEEN (Reading note, pissed) That ungrateful little whippersnapper!

WILSON She escaped by shinnying down this rope of sheets.

QUEEN On Backwards Day, yet! I want you morons to find her! And as for that garbageman, I want him shot on sight! (Going nuts) Damn that little hellcat of a daughter! That good-for-nothing, simple-minded scalawag! Damn! Damn! Dammit!

Mole and Muffy enter street.

They see everyone walking backwards. They realize it’s Backwards Day and moan, and enter onto the street backwards.

The next-door neighbor, Mr. Paul, a bum drag queen, is sweeping his porch backwards.

MUFFY Hi, Mr. Paul.

MR. PAUL Hi, dollface. This Backwards Day is a lot of shit, ain’t it?

MOLE It sure is, Mr. Paul. It sure is.

Mr. Paul starts laughing hysterically.

Peggy and Grizelda enter backwards. Mole and Muffy snub them and walk away, backwards.

They all walk backwards to nudist camp. Peggy and Grizelda follow.

Shot of Mortville nudists playing volleyball on pogo sticks. It is obviously cold outside.

Shot of Herbert, nudist garbageman, picking up trash.

Muffy knocks on nudist-camp entrance. Mole, Peggy, and Grizelda are behind her.

Shina, the head nudist, goes to answer.

SHINA Sorry! Nudists only! No tourists.

MUFFY It’s me, Muffy!

Shina opens door.

SHINA Well, why didn’t you say it was the most beautiful woman in Mortville? (Muffy hugs her and they enter)

MOLE Hi, Shina.

SHINA Hey, Mr. Mole.

MUFFY This is Peggy and Grizelda. They’re new in Mortville.

SHINA (Shakes hands) It’s nice to meet you.

MOLE Hey, Shina, you got a newspaper around? We wanna see if we won the Maryland lottery.

HERBERT, THE NUDIST GARBAGEMAN (GEORGE FIGGS)

SHINA Oh, Mole, you know newspapers are contraband. (Whispering) But I sure hope you do win. This town could stand a little glamour! I tell you I’m getting fed up!

MOLE We’re all fed up, Shina. At least you don’t have to participate in Backwards Day.

SHINA I know … I’m surprised the Queen didn’t order me to wear my vagina backwards! (They all laugh)

Princess Coo-Coo rushes in.

They all fall to knees.

COO-COO Excuse me, but I must see Herbert—Herbert my love.

ALL I honor you, Princess Coo-Coo.

COO-COO Oh, stop it!! You don’t have to do that! I’m not like my mother, I’m a normal person! Come on now, get up! Get up! (They do)

SHINA Herbert’s out there picking up garbage as usual, Princess Coo-Coo, but please, if you two are having an affair, you better be careful. That Queen will cut off your ears!

COO-COO Let her do it, then! Herbert doesn’t care if I have ears, he only cares about my mind! (She rushes out)

Princess runs in slow motion toward Herbert. Herbert sees her, drops his stick, and rushes to her.

COO-COO Herbert! Herbert!

HERBERT Coo-Coo! Coo-Coo!

They kiss passionately.

Nudists are touched. So are Mole et al.

HERBERT (Kissing her) Oh, Coo, I worship the ground you walk on! I couldn’t keep my mind on my work all morning—every piece of trash I had to pick up reminded me of you. An old candy wrapper made me think of how sweet you are, a snotty Kleenex made me realize how much I’d cry if we ever parted, and an old rubber made me think of all the nights of eros we have before us. I love you, Coo-Coo.

IN BETWEEN TAKES AT THE NUDIST CAMP (PAT MORAN, MY ASSISTANT, AND MARY VIVIAN PEARCE)

COO-COO Oh, Herbert, I masturbated fourteen times last night just thinking about you, and when I finally did fall asleep my dreams were not exactly dry! Take me now, Herbert, right in front of the whole town! Take me, Herbert, take me!!!

Just as Herbert starts to make love to her, we see Mortville Goons with guns drawn. They shoot him, and he falls dead on top of Princess.

COO-COO (Flipping out, trying to get up) No! No! No! Oh God no!! Herbert! Herbert! Oh, my baby darling Herbert!

Peggy, Grizelda, Mole, and Muffy rush out of nudist camp backwards.

PEGGY (Weeping) Where are we going, Grizelda? What hell lays in store for us now?!

GRIZELDA I don’t know, Peggy, just keep up with Mole.

They approach Flipper’s Bar. Drunken monstrosities hang out in beer garden, vomiting, cursing, laughing.

They enter bar and take a seat. Chris, the barmaid, waves.

Inside bar various scary women loiter, guzzling. It is a derelict lesbian bar. On a raised platform is Flipper, wildly dancing, guzzling. She has a Thalidomide stub arm and part of her act is kicking and taunting a man tied up.

Flipper winks to Mole and Muffy in recognition.

FLIPPER (COOKIE MUELLER)

PEGGY (Scared) What kind of bar is this?

MOLE Who asked you to sit with us anyway?

Shot of Flipper whipping man.

Audience is turned on.

PEGGY (Appalled) I … I have to use the ladies’ room.

MOLE The pisshole’s out back.

GRIZELDA I’ll save your seat, lover.

Peggy uneasily walks through bar, through dark orgy room, where women grab her, out back to public rest room.

Peggy enters washroom. Woman pervert tries to grab her under stall. They struggle.

Peggy is on toilet and two giant breasts come through twin glory holes.

Peggy screams and runs out, fighting off bathroom pervert.

PEGGY No! Please! Leave me alone! (She rushes back into bar)

We see her struggling to get out of orgy room. Another woman pervert is being dragged along by teeth as she holds on to Peggy’s leg brace.

Flipper is still dancing lewdly, kicking man.

MUFFY (To Peggy) Wild, isn’t it??

PEGGY I’m really not trying to be rude but I can’t stay here any longer.

MOLE What’s the matter, don’t you like fun?

PEGGY This is NOT my idea of fun! Grizelda, please walk me back to the house.

GRIZELDA (Drinking) Oh, loosen up a bit!

PEGGY I have no desire to be a loose person! And stop drinking, before you get dead drunk!

GRIZELDA (Sighing) Come on, I’ll walk you back.

MUFFY Hey, Peggy, I don’t get you!

MOLE You leech onto us, and then all you can do is complain.

MUFFY Let the little babies go home! If you don’t like this bar, there’s really something the matter with you!

Peggy and Grizelda exit.

Flipper mocks killing of man by hitting him over the head with steel ball on chain. All applaud wildly, including Muffy and Mole.

Mole, Muffy, and Flipper approach Flipper’s car-house.

A midget exits from car, tucking in shirttail and arranging her hair.

FLIPPER (Yanking open car door to reveal Shotsie in seminudity with food, liquor, and trash all over car) You lazy bitch! I’m out workin’ my tail off all day and you’re home fucking midgets! Isn’t that the pits!

SHOTSIE Ah, Flipper, don’t start that shit! She’s just an old friend of mine. Come on, get in here!

FLIPPER Friend my ass! You’ve turned my apartment into your own private passion pit, haven’t you?

SHOTSIE Cram it, Flipper. Not in front of company.

MOLE (Embarrassed) Sorry if we interrupted anything.

SHOTSIE You didn’t interrupt nothing, Mole. Flipper’s so jealous she thinks the toilet I sit on is her competition. What can I do for you? (Flipper sulks)

MOLE We’re trying to find today’s paper.

SHOTSIE Yeah, I got one around here somewhere. Here you go.

Muffy and Mole rip open paper for lottery listings.

Shotsie grabs Flipper and kisses her. Flipper gives in.

MUFFY (Excitedly) There it is—Maryland lottery listings! (Crosses her fingers)

MOLE 0-8555-321 (Checking her ticket) I told you! We did it, Muffy! We qualify for the finalist drawing!!! Oh shit, we won a thousand dollars. We’re rich, we’re rich!

MUFFY (Jumping up and down) At last I got a sugar daddy!!! Oh Mole! Oh thank you, lady luck! Thank you! (They embrace)

Shot of Queen being carried down the street on raised platform by her soldiers. Townspeople fall to knees shouting, “We honor you, Queen Carlotta.”

QUEEN (Laughing and pointing to citizens on Backwards Day) Hey, moron, you got your clothes on backwards! Hahahahaha! Oh God, this is fun!! Hi, stupid! Hi, ugly!

Mole, Muffy, Flipper, and Shotsie are at attention but angry.

SHOTSIE That senile old cunt.

MOLE I wish I had a rifle with a telescopic lens on it!

FLIPPER I’d help you pull the trigger, Mole.

MUFFY Squeaky Fromme, where are you when we need you?

MOLE (Rolling a mudball) I can’t resist! That hog face is too much of a moving target to ignore. (Throws mudball and hits Queen)

Queen is furious, scanning the crowd, looking for assailant.

QUEEN God damn it! Who threw that?!

Fade to Princess Coo-Coo with Herbert’s corpse inside Peggy and Grizelda’s cottage.

FLIPPER, SHOTSIE (SHARON NIESP), MOLE, AND MUFFY GET READY TO ATTACK

COO-COO (Insanely talking to corpse) Oh Herbert, we’re safe now. I’m sorry I had to drag you all that way, but those silly nudists wanted to BURY you! (Kisses him) Oh I love you too, my darling—Mother can’t hurt us now. We’ll get married tonight. (Kisses him and cuddles) You don’t look so well, I hope you perk up for our honeymoon!

Enter Grizelda and Peggy. They are shocked.

PEGGY What the hell is this?

COO-COO (Jumping up) Oh, I’m sorry, I know it’s rude to bring my lover to your home, especially since I don’t even know you, but my mother’s army is trying to kill my Herbert.…

PEGGY Young woman, that man is already dead!

COO-COO (Rushing to him) No, he’s not! He’s just sleeping. (Cuddling up next to him) Aren’t you, Herbert? Say hi to the nice ladies.

GRIZELDA You better get your lily-white ass outa here before we all get shot.

COO-COO Please don’t kick me out!! Those soldiers are lookin’ for me, and my mother will lock me up in that castle if she finds me.

PEGGY You obviously belong in a mental hospital!

GRIZELDA Look who’s calling the kettle black. She’s just upset, now be easy with her.

PEGGY I will not! I don’t want some renegade necrophile princess as my roommate!

GRIZELDA It’s just for a few days. Don’t be so selfish!

PEGGY Selfish!!! I’ll show you selfish!! (To Princess, pulling her) Get out of here, mongrel, and take your stinkin’ corpse of a boyfriend with you! (Kicks her in ass)

COO-COO (Collapsing next to Herbert, kissing him) Oh, Herbert, this lady’s being so mean to me.

GRIZELDA (Putting her arm around Princess, trying to comfort her) Don’t cry Princess, I’ll try and help you some way.

PEGGY Why don’t you just kiss her and get it over with!? Huh, Grizelda?

GRIZELDA (Gives Peggy a dirty look) (To Coo-Coo, arm around her) There, there. Everything’ll be all right.

PEGGY Go ahead, feel her up! Just like you did to me! Find ’em, feel ’em, fuck ’em, forget ’em—I guess that’s your new motto?!!!

GRIZELDA (Getting angry) Zip that gaping hole of a mouth, Peggy, before I plug it up with my fist!

PEGGY You’re just like all the rest of the common dykes in this town! (Runs to door)

GRIZELDA (Leaping at Peggy) Dyke? What do you mean dyke?

PEGGY (Opening door to yell) Help! Police! The Princess is in my house!

Goons come running to Peggy’s rescue and whisk her away. Inside Grizelda overpowers the first Goon and shoots him with his own gun. Another Goon enters and Grizelda strangles him. Coo-Coo hides under the bed with Herbert’s corpse. Another Goon enters and Grizelda throws him right through the wall of the house. The whole house teeters and collapses on Grizelda.

Shot of Grizelda mortally wounded by falling two-by-four with sharp nail that pierces her head.

Injured Goons drag the hysterical Coo-Coo from the rubble.

JEAN HILL POSES BEFORE HER DEATH SCENE

GOON Come on, bitch, your mother wants to see you!

COO-COO (Sobbing) Herbert! Herbert!

Shot of Mole and Muffy entering their house later.

MOLE I knew I shoulda gotten a security deposit from those assholes!

MUFFY Yeah, you let riffraff move in and they bring the neighborhood down every time!

MOLE Look, I gotta get my ass into Baltimore to claim our money and do some shopping. Will you be all right while I’m gone?

MUFFY I’ll be all right. Just you be careful.

MOLE Lock those doors and don’t fuck any men! (She exits) Cut to half-naked soldier, Lieutenant Grogan, wildly bumping and grinding as the Queen watches, leering and moaning.

QUEEN (Applauding, wildly aroused) Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Take it off! Come on, let’s see some ass! (Grogan shakes his ass at her) Yeah! Yeah! Strip faster! Let’s see some private areas! (He strips to jockstrap) Ohhhh I see London, I see France!! Spread those legs, baby! I want meat and potatoes! Yeahhhh! A Hollywood loaf!!! (Soldier throws Queen his jockstrap, she caresses it) Yessssirrreee! Come on over here with that thing! (He approaches) You’re a wicked little boy getting me all heated up, aren’t you?!! I’m going to have to give you a spanking!!

GROGAN I’ve been a bad little boy, haven’t I, Your Highness?

QUEEN You certainly have, Grogan! Now, get up here with that behind! Come on, over my knee, you little bastard!

Grogan groans, gets over Queen’s knee, and gets a spanking.

QUEEN Maybe this’ll teach you to arouse royalty!

GROGAN (Yelping) Harder! Harder!

QUEEN (Wildly in orgasm) Ahhhhhhhhh!!

GROGAN (Embarrassed) May I get up, Your Majesty?

QUEEN (Annoyed) Yes, get up, stupid. I hope you didn’t leave any pecker tracks on my gown.

GROGAN May I get dressed, Your Majesty?

QUEEN Yes, please do. Your body has a certain odor about it that always annoys me.

GROGAN An odor, Your Majesty?

QUEEN Yes, a wretched stench!

GROGAN I wash daily, Your Majesty.

QUEEN Well, wash harder in the future. There is a noticeable odor zone somewhere on your body and I’d appreciate it if you could locate it and deodorize it!

FILMING A SPANKING

GROGAN I will try and correct it, Your Majesty.

QUEEN Oh, I know we all can’t be perfect, Lieutenant Grogan. Come over here and sit by my feet.

GROGAN I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

QUEEN You honor me, but certain commoners in this town obviously don’t! Someone threw a mudball at me today! Oh, if only I had a little pink button to push that could wipe out this town! Tell me—is it possible to get me a hydrogen bomb?

GROGAN I doubt it, Your Majesty.

QUEEN How about germ warfare, do you know anything about that?

GROGAN You mean poisoning the population?

QUEEN Yes. That sounds like a fun project. How about rabies? Could we spread that disease inexpensively?

GROGAN I think so, Your Majesty. All we need is some rabid bat pus to make a serum.

QUEEN Fine, let’s try it. Rabid bat pus, and let’s throw in some rat piss for good luck!

GROGAN You are a genius, Your Majesty.

Enter Lieutenant Wilson and Goons carrying Princess Coo-Coo and Peggy in dog cages.

COO-COO (Struggling, biting, shrieking) You let me out of here, Mummy! You murderess! You stinking Fascist slug!!

Soldier kicks cage.

GOONA (To Peggy) Bark for the Queen.

PEGGY Woof. Woof. Woof.

WILSON Your Majesty, Herbert the garbageman is dead and … (Indicating Peggy) … thanks to this noble peasant woman, we have captured Coo-Coo and returned her to the castle.

QUEEN Release the prisoners!

PEGGY (Cowering, kneeling) Thank you, Your Wonderful Majesty.

COO-COO (Being released) You bilious ball of blubber … you rotten, stinking … (She runs and attacks Queen, soldiers pull her off)

QUEEN THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW, COO-COO! I hereby proclaim … (Trumpets sound) Oh, shut up! I hereby proclaim that you are no longer the Princess of Mortville! You will be gang-raped by my soldiers, injected with rabies, and then exiled to the streets of Mortville, where you belong!

COO-COO I consider that an honor, Your Royal Hogness, to once and for all be freed from this mockery of a monarchy! I will never live down the shame of my inherited name, but I will do my best to see that you topple from the throne! (Spits in her eye)

QUEEN (Enraged) (To soldiers) Seize her and fuck her!

Guards rush in, maul Princess, and drag her off screaming. Peggy is trembling on floor.

PEGGY That was a courageous decision, Your Majesty.

QUEEN You may stand, Mrs. Gravel. (She does) I appreciate your help in the capturing of my daughter. Loyalty to the Queen sometimes results in a reward.

PEGGY Oh, let me be the new princess, Your Majesty! I have seen the human trash of Mortville and I share your contempt for this town!

QUEEN My subjects are beneath contempt, Mrs. Gravel.

PEGGY Dealing with poor people is a waste of time! Only the rich should be allowed to live!

QUEEN I like your politics, Mrs. Gravel, and to be truthful, I need a woman like yourself to follow in my footsteps.

PEGGY If you looked all over this land, I doubt you’d find a woman as vicious as I, Your Majesty.

QUEEN We’ll give you a trial run. Your first duty will be to help my soldiers spread rabies to everyone in this town. Do you think you can handle that?

PEGGY Oh yes, Your Majesty!! And I know just the person I want to give it to first!!!

Cut to Mole leaving drugstore, counting lottery money.

She walks up street, snarling at people, and goes to Hopkins Hospital. She goes into Sexual Reassignment Clinic.

Mole enters waiting room. Sex changes and future sex changes are sitting around waiting.

RECEPTIONIST (Entering) May I help you?

MOLE Yeah, I want a sex change.

Everyone is shocked, embarrassed, coughing, etc.

RECEPTIONIST (Rising) Could you step over here, please?

MOLE (Goes over to desk) Hey, look, I’m in a rush so I’d appreciate it if you took me before these other turkeys.

RECEPTIONIST (Whispering) Do you have an appointment?

MOLE No, I don’t!

RECEPTIONIST I’m awfully sorry, we don’t take anyone without an appointment.

MOLE (Pulling knife on her) You do now, Nurse Nancy! Come on, bitch, cut these tits off!

RECEPTIONIST I am only a nurse. The doctor isn’t in now.

MOLE Like hell he isn’t!!

Grabs receptionist and pushes her into doctor’s office. Doctor jumps up.

RECEPTIONIST I’m sorry, Dr. Friedman.

MOLE Come on, quack. I want the sex change and I want it fast!

DOCTOR (Stammering) Why, madam, the sex change is a long, complicated process, we can’t just …

MOLE Just give me the basics, or I’ll cut off her head!!

DOCTOR (Pleading) Why don’t you just fill out the necessary forms and we’ll see if …

MOLE (Jumps up on operating table) Cut the sermons and give me my wang! I want a wang and I want it NOW!

DOCTOR (Approaching) I can only do so much under the circumstances.…

MOLE IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME A SEX CHANGE, I’LL CUT OFF YOUR PETER AND SEW IT ON ME MYSELF!!!

DOCTOR (Grabbing scalpel) I’ll … see what I can do, madam.

Cut to Mole’s living room. Muffy is alone and nude, talking to her breasts.

MUFFY Hi, big boys! I bet you didn’t know that I won the Maryland lottery! Yes! I’m gonna be buying you lots of new push-up bras, so get ready for a new home! Yessiree, things are gonna be looking up for you two! …

Mole barges in with presents, dressed in a very masculine Superfly-type outfit.

MOLE Well, howdy, Miss Muffy!

PARTY TIME

MUFFY (Jumps up) Oh Mole, you made it! (They hug) I was so worried about you! You got the money?

MOLE I sure do, Muffy. Look at these greenbacks!

MUFFY (Eyes lighting up) Oh Mole! Thank God, money at last! (She starts kissing bills) Beautiful germ-carrying American currency! What you got in all those shopping bags?

MOLE Presents, Muffy. Presents fit for a queen!

MUFFY Can I open ’em?

MOLE You sure can, you big hunk of beauty.

Muffy dives into presents. She opens lingerie box.

MUFFY Oh, Mole, a new bra! It’s just beautiful!

MOLE Try it on. (She does) Here, let me help you!

MUFFY Oh, that support feels heavenly! What else you got for me, Mole?

MOLE Try this one, gorgeous. (Hands her dress box)

MUFFY (Opening it) I feel like a little girl on Christmas morning! A gown!!!! (Trying it on) Oh, it’s stunning! Thank God I was born a woman! I feel like a queen already, Mole!

MOLE You will be queen, Muffy. I promise you. Look at these huggers. (Takes out guns)

MUFFY Arms! Oh goody goody!

MOLE This one’s mine and this little .38’s all for you, baby.

MUFFY (Moved) You’re so good to me, Mole, I don’t know what I’d do without you.

MOLE I got another surprise for you, Muffy. A real big surprise! Something you never even asked for!

MUFFY A Chihuahua, Mole?

MOLE No, you’ll see—close your eyes! (She does) No peeking now! (She takes down pants)

MUFFY Hurry, Mole! The suspense is killing me!

MOLE You can open ’em now.

DYSFUNCTION

MUFFY (Opens eyes and sees hideous phony sex-change penis) Ahhhhhhhhh!!! (Falling backwards, gagging) What have you done to yourself?!?

MOLE (Advancing) I got the sex change just for you, Muffy. (Tries to hump her)

MUFFY (Completely horrified) Get off me with that ugly deformed worm! You’re sick, Mole! You’re a sick weirdo pervert!

MOLE Just let me try it once, Muffy, I gotta see if it works! It’s a brand-new model, I got it at Hopkins Hospital!

MUFFY Cut it off, Mole. Rid your body of that disgusting transplant!

MOLE (Pleading) It never goes soft, Muffy!

MUFFY (Vomits) Cut it off, Mole!!!

MOLE (Grabbing a pair of scissors) So much for science, Muffy! (Cuts it off) Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Muffy screams, picks up sex-change penis off the dirty floor, and throws it out front door.

A mangy dog on the street immediately eats it.

Fade to Peggy in Coo-Coo’s bedroom, dressed in black evil princess outfit, cutting up bats and rats and making a serum. Next to her is a rat in a cage. We hear it piss.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

RABIES FOR MORTVILLE

PEGGY Well, finally! Some rat urine, just what the doctor ordered! (Sucks it up in syringe and squirts it in serum) That oughta give it a little kick! (To Goon) Bring in Princess Coo-Coo and tell her her medicine’s ready!

Goons drag Coo-Coo in after gang rape. She struggles.

COO-COO Don’t touch me with those semen-stained hands, you big ape!!! I can walk by myself!!

PEGGY Well, if it isn’t Commoner Coo-Coo, the grave robber! All ready for your injection?

COO-COO You ass-kissing little snitch! One day I’ll get my hands on you.

PEGGY I doubt you’ll have the time. (Gives her shot in ass) Because you are now the proud owner of RABIES!!!

COO-COO GETS HER VACCINE

Shot of Coo-Coo being booted out of castle.

Coo-Coo tries to flee, goons raise drawbridge. She jumps to ground.

GOON 1 Hit the streets, scuz bag!

GOON 2 But don’t bite anybody, dog face! Hahahahaha!

Cut to Muffy sewing up Mole’s offscreen wound with dental floss. Mole is moaning in agony.

MUFFY Be brave, sugar, be brave. I’ll get you all fixed up.

MOLE I thought you’d like it, Muffy. I thought you wanted a man!

MUFFY I just said that to make you jealous, Mole. I liked your organs just fine the way they were.

MOLE Now … now I won’t have any organs. It’ll be like having a Barbie Doll crotch.

MUFFY Now, don’t you worry—when I’m through with these stitches, it’ll be close enough in my book.

MOLE Will you … ever be able to love my operation?

MUFFY I’ll love it, Mole, I’ll love it, feel it, and eat it, just like old times. Now hold on, this is gonna hurt. (Rips stitches)

MOLE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A knock is heard at door.

MUFFY (Aggravated) Oh, who the hell is this? (Impatiently answers the door)

Flipper, Shotsie, Shina, and Coo-Coo come in. Coo-Coo is diseased and disheveled and has to be helped.

FLIPPER Hi, Your Majesty. (Seeing Mole) Holy shit, Mole, what happened to you?

MOLE (Trying to act as if nothing is wrong) Muffy just gave me an abortion.

SHOTSIE You were pregnant, Mole?

MOLE I wasn’t going to tell anybody but … well, I was raped by the lottery officials when I picked up my money.

FLIPPER Men are such cunts!

SHINA Oh, men, women, they’re all okay with me as long as they’re NUDE!

SHOTSIE How many times we gotta tell you? Men are genetic rejects. All that gristle they got hanging between their legs was God’s first big mistake and us women been paying for it ever since!

MOLE (Glaring at the Princess) What’s SHE doing in my home?

FLIPPER Be easy on her, Mole. She’s been through hell. When we found her, she was regurgitating in the streets.

SHOTSIE Her mother, the HOG, had her gang-raped!

SHINA The poor thing’s had a terrible time! (To Mole) You know that Gravel woman you were hanging out with? Well, she works for the Queen now; she shot Coo-Coo up with a rabies potion!

MOLE I’m not surprised—that snotty little social climber! I knew I should have fractured her skull!

MUFFY (To Coo-Coo, trying to be polite) Coo-Coo, can I get you anything? Are you infectious, sweetheart?

COO-COO I don’t know … I itch a lot and my saliva tastes funny.

MUFFY Under the circumstances, I must ask you to refrain from using our kitchen utensils.

UNWELCOME HOUSE GUESTS—SHOTSIE, COO-COO, SHINA (MARINA MELIN), FLIPPER

COO-COO I won’t breathe on anything—I promise. But please … help me kill my mother!

Cut to Queen and Peggy in Queen’s bedroom. Queen is eating a stuffed pig. Peggy is getting a pedicure from Lieutenant Williams.

QUEEN (To Peggy) How’s Project Rabies coming along, Peggy?

PEGGY Oh, I feel just like Jonas Salk. Tomorrow is our first day of mass immunization—or at least that’s what the morons of Mortville think!

QUEEN (Laughing) Oh, won’t it be funny when they all start collapsing in the streets? It’ll be like walking through a human sewer.

WILLIAMS I hope I get a chance to kick every one of them right in the head just as they gasp for their last breath!

PEGGY It’ll be beautiful! A symphony of death rattles! (Moved) History will not forget this holiday of death!

Cut to Muffy and Mole, Shina, Shotsie, and Flipper sneaking up to castle with guns and knives. Mole walks in pain and Coo-Coo is dragged along in a state of advanced illness.

Shot of soldiers hanging around hallway, drunk and partying.

Shot of women hiding as Muffy exhibits herself to soldiers.

MUFFY Hey, Officer Cutie-Pie. There’s somebody down here to see you!

Shot of Goon seeing her, leering, and coming down to entrance.

GOON What do you want, slut?

MUFFY (Very suggestively) I’m looking for a little fun, officer. Can I come in and see your bedroom?

Goon is turned on and lowers drawbridge.

GOON (Muttering to himself) I’ve had a hard-on for this bitch for a long time.

Shot of Mole et al. waiting to strike.

GOON (Coming across bridge) You know you horny pigs aren’t supposed to come cruisin’ around the castle!

MUFFY Oh, officer, it’s just that you’re so cute, I couldn’t resist!

Goon starts mauling and kissing Muffy.

GOON Yeah, you’re a shapely little muvva.

Flipper and Shotsie run out and stab him in the back.

FLIPPER One down, girls!

SHOTSIE Good work, Muffy! Let’s move quickly and quietly!

They sneak into castle with drawn guns.

Shot of Goons dead drunk, looking at porno, making obscene comments as Grogan dances for them drunkenly. Mole rushes in with raised gun.

MOLE EAT LEAD, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Flipper, Shina, Shotsie, and Muffy open fire on goons.

Cut to Queen’s bedroom. Peggy hears gunshots.

PEGGY What’s that, Your Majesty?

QUEEN It’s probably just the dumb soldiers playing Russian roulette.

WILLIAMS (Getting up) I’ll go check it out, Your Majesty.

As Williams begins to exit, gunfire is heard. He staggers back into room, and collapses. Women come charging in. Peggy screams. Flipper, Shotsie, Muffy, and Mole surround Queen. Shina helps Coo-Coo.

MOLE (Aiming gun at Queen) Hold it right there, you royal asshole.

QUEEN Get out of my chamber, lesbians!

FLIPPER You’re through giving orders, meatball!

SHINA You’ve humiliated us for the last time, warthog!

COO-COO (Foaming, shaking) Let me bite her. Let me sink my fangs into her fat little legs.

MOLE Go right ahead, honey. Give her the chomp of life.

Coo-Coo advances, looking rabid. Queen panics.

THE GOONS HAVE A BALL …

… BRIEFLY

QUEEN Get away from me, child … you listen to your mother … I’m warning you!

Coo-Coo bites her leg.

QUEEN AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Coo-Coo slithers back, chuckling and foaming at mouth.

PEGGY (A desperate attempt) Thank God, you’ve rescued me! I thought I’d never get out of here alive.

They all laugh in her face.

MOLE Oh, come off it, pretty little Peggy. We all know what you been up to! I hope you’re all ready for your little debutante party in hell—’cause that’s where you’re going!

PEGGY (Panicked) You wouldn’t kill a sister.

LIBERATION

MOLE Oh yes we would. How about it, girls? Should we give our “sister” a little rectal reminder that we don’t like social climbers here in Mortville?

ALL YEAH! GET HER!

Girls hold Peggy down and pull up her skirt. Mole puts gun to Peggy’s ass.

MOLE I’m gonna blow your bowels out!

PEGGY Go ahead—a single gunshot cannot destroy the beauty of fascism! You’re so low, you make white trash look positively top drawer!

MOLE Ah, blow it out your ass!

Mole pulls trigger. Peggy flies across room.

QUEEN You filthy muff divers will pay for this!

MOLE Shut your fucking mouth!!

QUEEN No dyke gives me orders!

MUFFY Oh yeah, Queenie? Well, how does this grab you? Royal proclamation number one: KISS … MY … ASS!!

Queen balks.

MOLE You heard the new queen—KISS IT!

Queen swallows hard.

ALL KISS IT! KISS IT! KISS IT!

KISS MY ASS

Queen kisses her ass.

MOLE (Grabbing the Queen) That’s more like it, peon! Girls, how about it? I think the people of Mortville deserve a big feast to celebrate this great day of independence! We got ourselves the biggest turkey in the world—so why not EAT HER?!

ALL YEAH!

Dissolve to long shot of castle at night.

Mole appears atop castle.

MOLE Attention all Mortville residents! Queen Carlotta is dead! Your days of humiliation have come to an end!

Shot of Mortvillians exiting from their homes to listen.

MOLE To celebrate this joyous occasion I invite you to join me in a victory feast in honor of our newly found independence! Let the ring of freedom be heard all over this land—Mortville IS AT LAST A FREE CITY!!

Shot of Citizens cheering wildly, lighting torches. The drawbridge comes down and Muffy and Mole lead Shotsie, Flipper, Shina, and the dying Coo-Coo off the bridge carrying a huge platter. Queen Carlotta, cooked and garnished, is on the platter.

CITIZENS All hail the King! All hail the Queen!!

Mole and Muffy blow kisses and bow royally.

Mole places Carlotta’s crown on Muffy’s head to thunderous applause.

Citizens begin eating the Queen with gusto.

Shot of Flipper, Shotsie, and Shina eating and laughing.

Shot of Coo-Coo trying to eat and foaming at the mouth. She finally drops dead.

Shot of Citizens hugging, laughing, and beginning to dance.

Muffy and Mole join in the celebration.

Muffy and Mole look extremely happy and kiss.

Long zoom-out shot of entire town dancing and celebrating.

Credit roll.

ALSO BY JOHN WATERS

Liarmouth: A Feel-Bad Romance

Mr. Know-It-All: The Tarnished Wisdom of a Filth Elder

Make Trouble

Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America

Role Models

Hairspray

Female Trouble

Multiple Maniacs

Art: A Sex Book (with Bruce Hainley)

Pink Flamingos

Flamingos Forever

Crackpot: The Obsessions of John Waters

Shock Value: A Tasteful Book About Bad Taste

A Note About the Author

John Waters is a writer, a film director, an actor, and a visual artist best known for his films, including Hairspray, Pink Flamingos, and Serial Mom. He is the author of the national bestsellers Role Models, Carsick, and Mr. Know-It-All, and the novel Liarmouth. His spoken-word shows This Filthy World, False Negative, End of the World, The Naked Truth, and A John Waters Christmas continue to be performed around the world. He lives in Baltimore, Maryland. You can sign up for email updates here.

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Picador

120 Broadway, New York 10271

Copyright © 1988, 1996, 2005 by John Waters

All rights reserved

Originally published with two other screenplays by Vintage in 1988 under the title Trash Trio

Published with two other screenplays by Thunder’s Mouth Press in 1996 under the title Trash Trio and in 2005 under the title Pink Flamingos and Other Filth

First Picador edition, 2025

Photographs titled “Queen Carlotta,” “Wrasslin’ Rita,” “Herbert, the Nudist Garbageman,” “In Between Takes at the Nudist Camp,” “Jean Hill Poses Before Her Death Scene,” and “Filming a Spanking” by Bob Adams © Dreamland Productions; all other photographs by Steve Yeager © Charm City Productions

Cover design by Rachel Willey.

Cover art by Wayne Hollowell.

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-250-37124-9

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, organizations, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.