Title: Pippin & Nacho

First Edition

Copyright © 2024 by Courtney W. Dixon

All rights reserved.

No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the author except as permitted by U.S. copyright law. Reviewers may quote brief passages in a review. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Courtney W. Dixon at courtneywdixonauthor@gmail.com.

The author does not consent to any Artificial Intelligence (AI), generative AI, large language model, machine learning, chatbot, or other automated analysis, generative process, or replication program to reproduce, mimic, remix, summarize, or otherwise replicate any part of this creative work, by any means: print, graphic, sculpture, multimedia, audio, or other medium. The author supports the right of humans to control their artistic works. No part of this book has been created using AI-generated images or narrative, as known by the author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. 

Published by Courtney W. Dixon

Book Cover Design by Courtney W. Dixon

Alpha Reader: Nicole Arbuckle

Sensitivity Reader: Dee Shines

Beta Readers: Kalie Marie, Lia McKnight, Océane Anagonye, Rosa Dunahue, Michelle Elman, Joelle Lynne, Chanel Johnson, Nikki Johnson, Emma Ough (ADHD authenticity)

Editor:  Jenn Green

Contents

Preface

Triggers

A Special Thank You

Pippin & Nacho Playlist

1. Chapter 1

2. Chapter 2

3. Chapter 3

4. Chapter 4

5. Chapter 5

6. Chapter 6

7. Chapter 7

8. Chapter 8

9. Chapter 9

10. Chapter 10

11. Chapter 11

12. Chapter 12

13. Chapter 13

14. Chapter 14

15. Chapter 15

16. Chapter 16

17. Chapter 17

18. Chapter 18

19. Chapter 19

20. Chapter 20

21. Chapter 21

22. Chapter 22

23. Chapter 23

24. Chapter 24

25. Chapter 25

26. Chapter 26

27. Chapter 27

28. Chapter 28

29. Chapter 29

30. Chapter 30

31. Chapter 31

32. Chapter 32

33. Chapter 33

34. Chapter 34

Also by Courtney W. Dixon

Afterword

FREE - All the Ways I Promise You

Acknowledgements

Preface

I’m going to preface by saying I have a feeling this book is going to result in a lot of strong opinions, haha, and that’s okay. While I mention that Pippin has ADHD, he’s more than that. He’s filled with mental health issues that can make life challenging for him at times (see triggers next page if you don’t mind some spoilers). Nacho has his own issues, but his aren’t as overt. You won’t find answers to Pippin and his neurodivergence in this story. Because of his past, we don’t know if he was born this way or the result of other outside forces (again, see triggers). I just want to make that clear because I know ADHD has a strong genetic component, but it can be caused by other things. I also make this clear because of his mental health issues, he may not behave as you expect him to.

I not only researched ADHD, but I have a nephew who has it, my son is being tested for it, and I put together a team of people who have ADHD and are neurodivergent so I could take a deeper look into what they do, what they go through, and how they think and react in certain situations. I just wanted to really get their point of view that was on a personal level. I make this point because I know that neurodivergence is on a spectrum, so we all experience things differently. Some of my beta readers also said that Pippin might have a touch of autism, but that is not something I address in this book because we don’t know due to his lack of history and resistance to getting medical treatment and testing.

When I plan my stories, I outline my characters, including their personalities, appearances, and backstories. Once I have a good feel for their personalities and premise, I run with the story and let the characters speak to me as I write, so Pippin’s reaction to trauma might be different from our own or how you would expect him to. While this story flowed pretty well, that doesn’t mean Nate (Nacho) and Sam (Pippin) were easy to write. On the surface, they appear to be former foster brothers, best friends, and pine for one another but are rather complicated characters with faceted issues and personalities. Most notable is not only their tight bond but also their nearly obsessive co-dependency on each other. Some situations and reactions may seem small in the story but have heavy consequences. There’s a lot of cause and effect here and maybe a little bit of a domino effect.

I know that best friends to lovers aren’t for everyone, and they aren’t like Stix and Stone. Generally, readers love a good push-and-pull in romance, so if you want to skip this for that reason, that's fine too! All the books in this series can be read as standalones. But I hope you dive in and see how wonderful Sam and Nate are, at least they are to me.

Thanks for reading Pippin & Nacho!

Triggers

Listed below are the trigger warnings for this book. Reading them may cause spoilers.

CW: Conversion therapy (abusive and sexual assault), foster care, abuse, runaways, suicidal ideations, panic attacks, anxiety, PTSD, iatrophobia (intense fear of doctors), abandonment, co-dependency, homelessness, poverty, smoking, mental health.

A Special Thank You

I would like to give a special thanks to those on my team who sat down with me and discussed ADHD. Thank you for opening up to me and sharing your stories. You’ve helped make Sam (Pippin) extra amazing and special.

Emma Ough, Christy Monsey Ragle, Allison Grahek, and Nedra Atkinson.

And one more extra special thank you to Christy Monsey Ragle, a psychologist, who helped me tackle how to get Sam to see a therapist with his phobia and how that therapist would handle Sam, who needs tests but refuses to.

Pippin & Nacho Playlist

https://tinyurl.com/PippinNachoPlaylist

I clawed at the stabbing pain in my bare chest, gasping for breath as my heart threatened to burst through bone and muscle. Then the dam burst. The tears always came after waking up from the horror of my nightmares and reflections of my past, reshaped into grotesque monsters. The tears were the residual effect of coming down from the adrenaline and the relief that I woke up safely in my home.

Fuck me.

I rubbed my tired eyes and glanced at the clock in my darkened room. It was after four in the morning, and the likelihood of falling back asleep was slim.

My nightmares kept a stranglehold on my life, breaking me down a little bit more each time. I was a rock, slowly being chipped away until I finally crumbled into tiny pieces. They were a constant reminder of what I’d gone through, never allowing my mind and heart to heal, even in my sleep. I wasn’t a smart man, but I recognized PTSD for what it was. My very existence was the cause of all my mental torment. If I’d never been fucking born...

The sudden movement in my bed washed over me in comfort, instantly steadying my heart and helping my lungs find air.

Nate wrapped a slender arm around me and pulled me back down into my bed, filling me with a strength I lacked. He held me close as he wiped away my tears and sweaty bangs, whispering soothing words. His kindness and friendship made me want to cry again, my trembling lip barely holding it together. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve anything. Yet, I held on to my best friend like a lifeline. He was the only reason I still walked in this world.

His dark curls tickled my face, and for the first time since I’d woken up, I smiled through my pain, inhaling scents of lime and coconut. I had the same scent since we shared body wash, but it smelled so much better on Nate.

“What would I do without you?” I whispered.

“Shhh… Go back to sleep, Sam.”

Nate dragged gentle fingers along my back, soothing me to sleep, but I couldn’t. I was wide awake now as the last hold of my nightmare slipped away. And whenever he held me like this, which was often, I’d look to my future, not in fear, but in hope. Nate gave that to me like a gift that kept on giving.

Nate, or as our friends liked to call him, Nacho, saved my life almost seven years ago. He was only fifteen years old at the time. He represented pure strength and resilience in the face of adversity while I cowered from it.

It would’ve been a lonely life without him. Neither of us had ever had a boyfriend. We only had each other. I loved him with a fierceness that would never be smothered, but my fear turned me into a coward, terrified of his rejection and disappointment should he learn the truth. If he left me, I would die from a broken heart. I couldn’t live without my Nate.

Who could ever love me back? Who could love someone as ruined as me? I was high maintenance, constantly needing to be kept on a straight path because I struggled to focus long enough to decide which direction to go in. It was better just to keep him as a friend.

We’d always been best friends, having been foster brothers for a year before Nate dragged me out of that hell house.

But what no one knew, other than Nate, was that it had been so much worse before foster care. Before I escaped their clutches, I never told my parents I was gay because I hadn’t even known, yet somehow they knew anyway. I’d spent years reflecting on my past, and it could’ve given me away before I even realized my sexuality, but my memories weren’t what they used to be.

My body involuntarily shuddered at my past, flashing through my mind as if my thoughts belonged to someone else or were straight out of a horror movie. The drugs, sex videos, electric shock… My parents’ efforts to ‘un-gay’ me and ‘toughen me up.’

No. I didn’t want to think about those days. Even living in an abusive foster home had been better than that.

Through the years, I’d been told by many that I had ADHD, though I’d never been officially diagnosed. I refused to get tested because I hated doctors after my conversion therapy. I had so much fear that I would go into an absolute panic if one came near me. If I needed a check-up while in foster care, I’d go ballistic, freaking everyone out. I’d been sedated more than once over the years.

People who claimed to be doctors hurt me beyond comprehension. Doctors ruined me. They broke me down until I became nothing. Just thinking about them even now turned my stomach queasy. Logically, they probably weren’t real medical professionals, and realistically, most real doctors wouldn’t hurt me, but my body reacted viscerally to their presence and manifested physically.

Nate called me neurodivergent. I liked that so much better, like I had a superpower or something. I wasn’t sure if my neurodivergence stemmed from my conversion therapy or if I was born with it. Regardless, I needed to live with it. Having Nate by my side made life easier. If I got sidetracked, he was always close by to set me back on the right path. Nate was my rock.

Nate's face nuzzled in my hair, huffing in it. “You’re thinking really loudly, Sam. You’re not going back to sleep, are you?”

Instead of pulling away, I snuggled in closer to him to feed off his strength and warmth. I couldn’t remember the last time I got a full night’s sleep. Maybe never. Not sleeping well had become as familiar as breathing.

Before I drowned in thoughts of sleeping patterns, I tugged on a lock of Nate’s hair and twirled it in my fingers. For someone with curly hair, it was softer than it looked. He had really dark brown hair, darker than black coffee, but not quite black. It didn’t look soft, but a bit frizzy, yet it felt like silk, though I didn’t know what silk felt like—

“Let’s talk about it,” Nate said, pulling me out of my head.

“Talk about what?”

“Why are you unable to sleep?”

I loved Nate’s patience. He never got frustrated or annoyed with me. I didn’t understand why when everyone else did. Well, my friends were pretty patient, too. Maybe he did get annoyed and kept it to himself. Maybe he always got angry and just didn’t show it, trying not to hurt my feelings.

What if Nate never came into my world? What if he left me? I constantly worried about that, which explained why I did everything possible to be happy and to have a smile on my face, not just for Nate but for all my friends and Alpha. I’d never had so many friends in my life or someone like Alpha, someone I could look up to and admire. Someone I didn’t fear.

“Sam.”

“What?”

Nate touched my face and dragged my attention to his. My room was dark, but I didn’t need light to see that his eyes were as dark as his hair and filled with kindness. Kind eyes. Pretty eyes with long, thick, black lashes.

“Tell me your thoughts.”

Focus, Sampson.

“I was thinking about when you’d saved my life back in foster care. You’d been small for fifteen, but you huffed and puffed as you packed our things, vowing to protect me and take care of me. It still makes me smile. I like thinking about that day. It had been a horrible day, but you had this quiet confidence, determined to get us out of there, telling me we’d live on the streets if we needed to and that you’d find some way to get a job. You’re so brave, Nate. I wish I were as strong as you.”

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

“I’m so fucking broken.”

“We’re all broken one way or another, Sam. That doesn’t make you weak.”

I felt weak and pathetic. At twenty-two, I was a grown man who understood enough that it was odd to have my best friend and roommate hold me at night to calm my fears. It wasn’t normal. Why did he even like me, anyway? I brought nothing to the table—nothing but my pain and whining. Yet Nate stood by me, unflinching, with a power I could only dream of. But how could I even dream it when I always drowned in nightmares—

“When you came back to our bedroom, crying with bruises on your throat, I was fucking over it,” he said.

“Why me?”

“Why you, what?”

“Our foster parents hurt you, too.”

“That also made me angry, but I don’t know… Seeing your red and bruised throat just finally did me in.”

“The other kids got hurt, too.”

“They did.”

“Why me?”

Nate kissed my forehead. “Because we were best friends, and I couldn’t take care of everyone, Sam. I had only been fifteen at the time.”

I guess that made sense.

He yawned and pulled me tighter against him. I continued to twirl one of his locks, which was more for my benefit than his, as his body sagged in sleep.

After laying in bed for an hour watching Nate sleep, my mind refused to settle down, so I climbed out of bed and turned off my alarm. I grabbed some sweats off my floor and pulled them on, uncaring if they were dirty or not. Then I headed to the shared bathroom in our tiny apartment. I flicked on the blinding light, blinking several times before my eyes adjusted.

The tile by the tub was cracked in places. It resembled my life—whole in some areas, dirty in others, and broken in places that would never be repaired unless they were completely replaced with something better.

I stood in front of the water-stained mirror and looked at one of the yellow sticky notes hanging there.

‘Smile.’

That was all it said, with a happy face drawn below. Smiling and happiness became my masks. I didn’t only smile to show the world that I wasn’t quite so broken, but when I did it, I almost felt good. And I was happy a lot. I didn’t always have thoughts of worthlessness and wondering if I even belonged on this planet. Nate and my friends brought me patience and joy. I didn’t know what I did to deserve those, but I clung to them fiercely and selfishly.

I smiled at my reflection after reading the other note below the smile one, which was from Nate, telling me I’d be working at Alpha’s Rejects Bar tonight. If I could work there every day, all day, I would. Mixing drinks made me happy. I used bartending as an ‘off-switch,’ allowing me to focus. Measuring, pouring, mixing, and creating that perfect balance was my favorite thing next to skateboarding. I did both often, which helped clear the noise in my head, though I had to wear sound-canceling earbuds to drown out the loudness of the bar. The noise was too much.

When Alpha watched me mixing up my own recipes for drinks one day, he immediately sent me to bartending school, which I failed miserably at. I’d always been a poor student and had dropped out of high school, eventually getting my GED online with the help of Nate and Alpha. At least Baltimore didn’t have requirements to become a bartender, so Alpha just let me do my thing. Now, I worked at the bar four days a week.

After taking a shower and brushing my teeth, I shoved my earbuds in my ears and sat on the living room floor with my legs crossed and my eyes closed, listening to the mellow music Nate said helped neurodivergent people focus more.

It helped a little to keep me focused, and I got the most benefit from it in the mornings before starting my day, especially when combined with breathing techniques. It wasn’t always easy keeping my mind on track. Some days it wouldn’t shut up at all.

My phone alarm buzzed at eight, yanking me out of my solitude, so I turned off the music to start making coffee for Nate and me. As it brewed, I sat down at our battered little kitchen table and went over my calendar for the day. There wasn’t a ton to do, but I often needed reminding of things like taking my clothes to the laundromat, going to the store with Nate to grab some groceries, or even when we were skating that day.

As soon as the coffee finished brewing, Nate came out shirtless and in sweats. His dark curly hair still dripped from his shower, leaving little rivers down his lean chest, curving around a brown nipple. I imagined licking up the long line of water from his happy trail to his throat, quenching my lustful thirst. My eyes traveled along the planes of his smooth, tanned skin sprinkled with little moles that I found so cute. Nate was polka-dotted. Sometimes, I tried to count them, which helped me focus and relax. He had nine of them on his right arm, six of them on his left arm, two on the left side of his throat, two above his mouth on the right side, and one by his left eye. They were sprinkled all over his chest and back, too, like constellations—

“How do you feel?” he asked.

I yanked my eyes off his body and turned away from him, glancing back at my calendar to hide my flaming face. “Fine.”

He will never want you like that. You’ll never be able to map out his cute little moles. You’re only his friend—best friend. Best friends don’t like each other that way.

After he added some powdered cream and sugar to his coffee, he sat at the table across from me, examining me with eyes I could get lost in forever. They were fathomless. I gave him a beaming smile so he’d never know how he made me feel like melted butter of desire on the inside. It made no sense, but I had no other way to describe it.

“Did you meditate?”

“Yeah. It was good.”

His returning smile was broad and crooked, crooked like his cute white teeth. Nate always complained about his teeth needing braces, but I liked them. They were perfect, like the rest of him—perfectly imperfect.

“Do you want to talk about your dream from earlier this morning?”

I shook my head and took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee. I stood and slipped the mug into the microwave to heat for twenty seconds. When it was ready, I sat back down and took another sip.

“Have you been writing them down like we discussed?”

I shook my head again, refusing to look at him. He tried so hard to help me, but I kept failing him. I’d forgotten about writing them down. Nate even bought me a really cool notebook and pen to do just that, which I suddenly remembered sat in the junk drawer in the kitchen with two half-written pages.

Nate reached for my hand, resting on the table. I looked up to meet his smiling and patient eyes. “Tell me about your dream. Let’s talk about it.”

“Do I have to?”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just thought it would help you process it.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “The dream was about… then.” Nate knew exactly what I referred to—the time I’d spent months at this facility made for people like Nate and me. It was a place meant to change who you were by breaking bits of you off like a stale cracker. My body involuntarily shuddered as my eyes slid closed, getting lost in the scene… the memory.

Crying, screaming, begging. It hurt so much. I always hurt. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Touching me in places they shouldn’t be touching. My mind is dizzy and unfocused… drugs. I orgasm into another man’s hand. I’m drowning in humiliation. Dirty. Ugly. Evil. An abomination.

That was what they wanted. They wanted me to be so disgusted with myself that I would never stray to a man. How did my parents know?

My eyes watered, and I brushed them away angrily, so fucking tired of being like this all the time. “I can’t, Nate.”

He rubbed the top of my clenched fist in soothing circles until it relaxed. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m so sorry.”

My tense body relaxed at his touch. Nate was magic—pure, beautiful, celestial magic. He was my bright star. My North Star. My Polaris.

“Did you see on your calendar that we’re skating with our crew today? Then we have to work tonight.”

All my pain quickly vanished, and I smiled again, knowing I would soon be surrounded by my favorite people and doing my favorite things.

“Yes, I can’t wait.”

Protecting Sam and loving him from afar became pretty much my only identity, and I was fine with that. I would do anything to ensure his happiness, even at my expense, though I did have a happy life for the most part. I didn’t only help Sam because of my love for him, but because I genuinely wanted to and cared about him.

Who knew where this empathy for him came from? I just remembered sharing a bedroom with him when I moved into my last foster home when I’d been fourteen and hearing his horrific nightmares every night. The cries and whimpers pulled out this weird need to protect him. He was two years older than me, and I was smaller, but that never stopped me from this urge to shelter Sam. I’d often held him as a teen as he thrashed at night, soothing him back to sleep, and he’d clung to me because he had no one else. Neither of us had anyone but each other.

I’d been shuffled around foster care homes for as long as I could remember. Somewhere down the road, moving from house to house, the reason I was put into the system became lost, or maybe I ceased to care. Eventually, I got used to rejection, neglect, and the idea I’d never find my forever family. I soon learned to take care of myself because no one else bothered to. My rotating foster parents gave me the bare minimum to work with, and the rest was left up to me.

I’d been under no illusions that I’d succeed or even graduate high school. Foster kids rarely did well in life when they left the system, ill-equipped to be thriving adults, and many fell to homelessness, drugs, or suicide. That didn’t seem to stop me from finally grabbing our things and taking Sam away from it all. I was used to surviving over living. It was all I knew. But Sam finally gave me a purpose. I loved being needed by someone so much that it became my drug of choice. I was addicted to it.

Abuse was common in foster homes, and I grew relatively used to it. It came with the territory, though some homes were better than others. It hadn’t all been terrible. But our last foster parents finally drew the line in the sand for me. They crossed to a place that changed the tide for Sam and me. Being smacked around was one thing, but because Sam struggled to focus and remember things or do what he was told, it only served to piss off our foster parents, taking it out on Sam the most.

When he’d forgotten to clean the kitchen, which had happened too many times, our foster father finally lost it on Sam. It took two other foster kids to pry his fingers off Sam’s throat. I hadn’t been home at the time, but when I stepped into our bedroom to find him crying and saw the redness and bruises, I was fucking livid.

Sam couldn’t help it if he had a hard time focusing or remembering things. He really did his best not to forget, but he failed more often than not. I helped him with his chores and schoolwork as much as possible, but I wasn’t always able to, and I was terrible at school.

After one of his more horrific nightmares one night, Sam finally confessed to me why he got them. All that time, I’d assumed the abuse from our foster parents was the reason, but it was so, so much worse than I ever imagined. Sam told me stories about the months he’d spent in a facility dedicated to conversion therapy for queer kids. It was an effort to get him to tell me even that much, and I was sure he left some details out. I struggled to believe that such a thing was even real or legal. That wasn’t abuse. That was literal torture of children.

Fuck, no wonder he always hurt or forgot shit.

Later that night, after he’d been nearly choked to death, I’d packed up our things, stole some food and drinks, and we snuck out, never to return. We were better off alone together.

Sam and I lived on the streets for nearly two years, shuffling around in abandoned buildings or living under bridges. Sometimes, we’d stay with a homeless community who helped us. I took jobs where I found them, like at restaurants that needed a dishwasher or someone to take out the garbage. The jobs didn’t pay enough to actually save any money or rent an apartment, but they kept us fed, and sometimes, we bought clothes at this thrift store that sold stuff for under five bucks. It was where I bought us a couple of old skateboards so we could move around a bit faster, living in our nomadic life.

Sam also tried to find work. He didn’t have as much luck as me, but he always did his best to contribute. He wasn’t helpless, but staying on task while working wasn’t easy for him. His efforts only made me love him that much more.

Our friends knew how I felt about Sam, and I made them all vow never to tell him. He needed me, not my damn pining. I didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship. If we didn’t work out or ruined our friendship, I wouldn’t be there to help him, and he wouldn’t be there to meet my clingy needs. And in the almost seven years we’d known each other, Sam had never shown any indication of being interested in me. Just because we were gay didn’t mean we suddenly fell into each other like in some romance book. Life wasn’t a fucking fairy tale. It was hard, gritty, and it hurt.

While I loved Sam and wished we had more, I accepted this life. I’d rather have him in it as a friend than tell him how I felt and lose him. And I couldn’t be upset about him not reciprocating my feelings because he had no idea. I’d stay with him as long as he needed me.

Kingston, or Alpha, as we liked to call him, clapped me on the back as we got ready to open the bar that night.

“How are things going, Nacho?”

I wasn’t a fan of my nickname, but what’d you expect when I ate nachos as often as I could get my hands on them? I was addicted to them. It was something I made myself often while in foster care because they were cheap and easy to make. Sam was the only one who didn’t call me that.

“It’s going good.”

Alpha ran a hand through his cropped, dirty-blond hair and scanned the bar. “You’re going to be twenty-one soon. Do you want to help out more with serving tables? I could use an extra hand. You’d still be doing what you’re doing now. It’ll not only bring in more hours, but it’ll also bring you more money and tips.”

My smile grew wide. “Fuck yeah, I would.” God, Sam and I could really use the extra cash. “Thanks, Alpha.”

We shook hands before he grabbed my shoulder and gave it a friendly squeeze. “You work hard. I wish I could do more for you guys.”

I huffed a laugh and shook my head. Was he fucking kidding me? “You’ve done enough. You’ve given us all jobs when most of us don’t even have an education, and you gave us a family and good friends. In all my life, I never expected to find such a thing, man. We’re all eternally grateful to you.”

Alpha’s turquoise eyes glimmered as he rubbed his neck. “I love having you all in my life, too.” Before things got too emotional because that wasn’t Alpha’s style, he walked off to get ready to open.

It had been almost four years since Sam and I were practicing on our cheap skateboards at the skate park when we first met Alpha. He was a fantastic skateboarder and taught us all his tricks. It didn’t take long to form a friendship.

Alpha was only twenty-eight, just a little older than us. He’d been abandoned himself, so it was inspiring to see him come this far and own his own business.

When he opened Alpha’s Rejects, he brought in those of us who needed a job and a home—a safe place to work and make friends. He called it Alpha’s Rejects because all of us who worked there had been rejected in one form or another, and we were all part of the LGBTQ+ community, though the bar welcomed everyone.

I did menial tasks like keeping tables clean, washing glasses, and mopping floors. It wasn’t exciting, but it was a job, and I did get to see some pretty awesome bands.

Despite Sam’s struggles with working, he took a shine to bartending. He was fucking good at it, too. I couldn’t begin to explain how happy and proud I was of him to find something he loved and made money at. As long as he had his sound-canceling earbuds on while he worked, he was good.

I headed to the employee lounge to grab an apron, because working here could be messy, when I walked in on Stix and Stone eating each other’s faces. Well, they were kissing, but it seemed like they would die if they didn’t kiss harder. A flash of loneliness stabbed through me before I squashed it.

They must have noticed my presence, prying themselves apart.

“Don’t mind me,” I said. “Just grabbing an apron.”

Stone’s face turned crimson as he rushed out of there, making me chuckle. I hadn’t been a fan of Stone at first. Despite working here, he’d been an outsider, and even worse, he’d hated Stix for the longest time. It turned out he had internalized homophobia and took it out on Stix because Stone had a crush on him. Stix had always been outgoing, and he was the one who pulled Stone out of his shell. They worked their shit out, and now you couldn’t pry them apart.

It made me so happy they found each other, yet I drowned in envy.

Stix laughed at Stone’s retreating back before pulling out his drumsticks from his back pocket and sitting down to tap out a rhythm on the bench's worn wood. His mullet, shaved at the sides, looked like he’d cut it himself and had it freshly bleached. “What’s up, Nach!”

“Hey, Stix.”

I grabbed one of the black aprons, hanging on a hook, draped it over my head, and tied it around my waist. I side-eyed Stix, who was entirely too quiet. That man could talk your ear off, so something was definitely up.

“What?” I asked.

His smile turned crooked, and his dark brown eyes filled with mischief.

“Don’t say it,” I sighed.

“Say what?”

I rolled my eyes. “I know you. You’re like a nagging mother hen.”

He shrugged and continued tapping out a rhythm with his drumsticks. “I just want to know if you and Pippin have gotten it on yet.”

I didn’t really like the nickname they gave Sam. Pippin, from the Lord of the Rings, wasn’t the brightest, though he was brave. Sam wasn’t like that at all. We’d watched the movie a couple of years ago when it came on TV. Sam didn’t like the name that much either, but our friends giving us nicknames also made us part of the crew, a part of the family.

“God… You’re such an ass.”

“That’s what Stone always says.”

“He’s right,” I deadpanned.

“Come on… please tell me you’ve finally confessed your—”

“Confessed what?” Sam asked, right on fucking cue, because that was the story of my life. I gave Stix a death glare before smiling at Sam.

“Nothing. Hey, did you hear that Alpha’s going to make me a server, too?” I said to him, quickly distracting Sam from my conversation with Stix.

“I heard that!” Stix said. “Now you and Pippin can work closer together.”

I was going to fucking kill him, friend or not.

Sam’s eyes grew wide as a smile spread across his face. “Seriously?” He crossed the small room and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so proud of you.”

I held him back, inhaling his scent, permanently branded into my soul. It was our typical lime and coconut scent, which was clean, mixed with his unique smell. Sam loved it, so I always made sure we had a bottle on hand. Even better, it was cheap.

“Thanks, Sam. The extra cash is going to help.”

Sam did pretty well as a bartender, even working three or four days a week so we could pay the bills and rent on our tiny, rundown apartment. It was barely enough, but we made do.

I pried myself away from him before I clung tighter, never letting him go.

“Pretty soon, we’ll get a house like Stix and Stone did,” he said.

“Maybe,” I said with as much enthusiasm as possible.

I never strived for much in life after years of having nothing. While dreams were nice, they weren’t practical in our lives. Dreams just led to disappointment. Even with extra money, we’d never be able to afford a house. Stix happened to come into money thanks to his wealthy deadbeat dad, who paid him off, never to see him again so that he could live with his new family. What an asshole.

I quickly checked my pockets to make sure I had the extra pair of earbuds charging in their little case. Those were one of the few things we splurged on because they allowed Sam to focus while working. A bar was loud and crowded, which could be overwhelming for him, so it was important to knock out some of that noise. I always had an extra pair on hand just in case he lost his or they needed recharging.

“You ready for work? Got your earbuds?”

He ran long fingers through his floppy red hair, and his green eyes twinkled. He had such pretty eyes. They looked like gemstones. They weren’t the type of green muddled with yellows and browns. His were bright like summer grass. “All set.”

“Awesome. Let’s get ready and remember to take breaks, okay?” I would remind him throughout the night, regardless. Alpha would be around to help out, too.

“I will.”

Sam also wrapped an apron around him, and I watched his every movement. I sighed, shutting down any pining thoughts of my best friend to focus on work.

Before Alpha’s Rejects opened, Nate double-checked to make sure my earbuds and phone were fully charged. Locks of curls fell in his face as his brows furrowed in concentration, scrolling through my phone to find calming music for me. I could do it myself, but Nate liked taking care of me, and I liked him doing it. It made me feel needed.

Sometimes, I would pretend that he loved me. Nate did love me, but not in the way I wanted him to.

When he finished, he handed me my buds and phone. We rarely splurged on expensive things, but we didn’t skimp on my need to drown out all the noise of the bar. Too much noise—talking, yelling, whistling, bands playing, drum hammering, guitar screeching… That on top of the crowd was enough to send me spiraling into an anxiety-ridden panic. I wouldn’t be able to function as a bartender without them. And being behind the bar, separated from the crowd by thick wood, helped me not feel so overwhelmed.

“I have an extra set of earbuds in my pocket, fully charged.”

He looked up at me with unsweetened, extra-dark chocolate eyes that shimmered under the fluorescent lighting of the employee lounge, looking like twinkling stars. His brows were thick and the same color as his hair, matching his eyes. Nate’s nose was sharp, and his cheekbones were high. Those lips of his were plump, and I never stopped imagining myself kissing them. My first kiss. His first kiss. Neither of us had ever been with anyone. It was just us. Only us. I knew his tanned skin was soft because I’d touched it often enough, but not there. Never where I wanted to. Only on his arms and back if he wasn’t wearing a shirt when he held me at night—

“Sam, did you hear me?”

“What?”

“Come to me if your earbuds die or you lose one, okay?”

I nodded and smiled. “Okay.”

Nate reached around my neck and straightened the apron’s strap, sending waves of tingles across my skin with his gentle fingers. Chills swept across my skin while I held back my shudder. He stood so close, smelling of our soap and shampoo. His nearness spread warmth through me. What would he do if I just kissed him?

“Ready?” he asked, bursting my arousing bubble.

“Yep. I have a new recipe I’m going to try tonight.”

Nate smiled up at me with proud and excited eyes. “Tell me about it.”

“It’s called Brandyberry Breeze. It has Brandy, of course… the good stuff, if they want, but they can have the cheap stuff, too. It should be good anyway. I’ll mix it with ginger beer, raspberry liqueur, with a couple of raspberries and a sprig of mint.”

“Sounds yummy. You’ll have to make me one after my birthday.”

I stood taller, prouder. “Okay.”

“Alpha loves these craft cocktails you make. They bring in the crowd and money.” Nate rested his hands on my chest as he looked up at me, standing several inches shorter than my five-foot-ten height. His fingers were long and covered with scars from crashing while skateboarding or punching someone in my defense. His hands were strong and protective. Hands that held me at night and kept me from spiraling from my fears and pain. Hands I wanted to hold tightly, threading our fingers together, and never let go. It took all my power not to grab them from my chest and have those strong fingers wrap around mine.

With a deep breath, I forced myself to focus before I blurted out how I felt about Nate.

“Let’s get to work,” I said.

Nate smiled and walked off, and I followed close behind.

Despite the earbuds, I still heard the muffled din that filtered through as I worked, but it was bearable. Alpha helped take orders, but if he got too busy, I just tapped my left earbud, turning off the sound canceling long enough so I could talk to customers. When they were off, the sound consumed my senses, threatening to swallow me whole, and making me want to run out of there, but it was only temporary.

My new cocktail tonight was a hit, especially with the ladies. I guess it was too fruity for men despite the brandy, since hardly any of them tried it. Too bad, because it was delicious. It was perfect for those who didn’t like brandy all that much as a standalone, but wanted to try it.

When Jaxon Kean, who we affectionately called Ajax, stood at the server’s stand, I instantly knew what he needed since he ordered the same thing every time he worked. I grabbed a beer glass and filled it with a local amber beer from the tap before setting his drink on the wooden counter.

Ajax was a part of our crew and family, and one of the bouncers next to Stone. When Ajax first came to us a couple of years ago, he scared the shit out of me, reminding me of bullies from school. He towered over everyone, and he could be a little wild with bursts of anger. He’d never been cruel to me, but his impulsivity had him lashing out at people, making him the perfect bouncer, keeping the crowd under control.

Ajax towered over me, standing at six-foot-four. He took the beer and finished it off in two chugs, slamming the glass on the counter and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

He tapped his ear for me to turn off my earbuds. When I removed one, the band playing and the crowd yelling over the music assaulted my ears. I took several calming breaths and pushed through the discomfort.

Ajax leaned over the counter, grinning. His smiles could be a bit disturbing, always looking like a cannibal, ready to eat your flesh. But Ajax would protect his friends with his life. His brown eyes, matching Nate’s eyes, weren’t as pretty, but he was a good-looking guy, though I wasn’t attracted to anyone but Nate. I didn’t look at anyone else as I looked at my Nacho.

Nacho was a terrible nickname. It made sense with his overconsumption of nachos, but Nate was so much more than what he ate. What would I call Nate if I could give him a nickname other than Nacho?

Atlas. He carried my world on his back. Or would I call him Polaris, my Northern Star? My guiding light. Hell, he was my fucking universe.

“How’re you and Nacho doing?” Ajax asked, leaning over the counter.

“Uhm, fine. Same as we always are.”

His smile turned crooked. “Good. Good. You both are really good friends.”

Where was he going with this? Everyone knew we were best friends.

“Yep, we’re best friends.” I gave him a bright smile. Bright smiles disarmed people, especially when I felt uncomfortable or lacked confidence. Happiness hid pain and lies.

The only one who saw my pain was Nate. Too many years of being hurt because I didn’t behave as I should have forced me to hide behind joy. Sometimes, I felt it. Most times, I didn’t. Hell, it took me years to accept my sexuality. Well, our crew knew I was gay, but no one else. Too many years of torture made me fear that anyone outside of our family would find out. But Nate helped with that, making it clear that nothing was wrong with me, and it helped that he was gay, too. I trusted him above all else, so it made me less afraid.

“You know, sometimes friends and roommates end up being more.”

Why was he talking about this? Did he figure out how I felt about Nate? My face burned as the panic started to settle in the pit of my stomach and my smile stretched wider.

Suddenly, Nate approached us, standing nearly a foot shorter than Ajax, yet looking up at him with fearless determination. “That’s enough. Let Sam work, Ajax. He needs his earbuds in to focus.”

Nate pulled Ajax aside, away from the bar, as I slipped my headphones back in, the headache-inducing noise muffled to a bearable sound, and watched them talk. Nate looked angry and jabbed an irritated finger in Ajax’s chest. Ajax rolled his eyes and walked off to patrol the bar to make sure the crowd stayed responsible.

Did I miss something important? If so, what exactly?

My stomach dropped from the height I’d reached, and the thrill of my skateboard hitting the lip of the ramp. I caught air, did a kickflip, and spun my board 360 degrees. Even more exhilarating was landing without bailing. I reached the other side of the ramp and caught air again.

The world could be a dark and cruel place, but a few things made it bearable: Nate, skateboarding, making cocktails, and my crew—our family of friends.

When I skated, I was free. It allowed me to focus on making those tricks without falling, silencing all the noise in my head. Nate and I never intended to be skateboarders when he brought two skateboards back to our little tent under the bridge all those years ago. They were only meant to travel around faster. It was boredom that drove us to a skatepark one day, where we learned the basics, and it was where we eventually met Alpha.

Little did Nate know that when he bought those boards, it would change our lives forever. We would find a new family, work, and shelter. Nate and I finally found home.

After skating for another ten minutes, I stopped and jumped off my board, popping it to grab it before making my way over to my friends.

Stix and Stone were still skating. Those two were glued at the hip, kind of like how Nate and I glued ourselves together, except they were open with their love while me admitting my feelings terrified me, so I pined from afar. It made me a little jealous and envious, but I was happy for them. All of us deserve love.

The early March afternoon was in the forties, which was warm for this time of year. Skating made me sweat, but I’d soon be getting cold now that I was done, so I grabbed my thrifted army jacket I’d tossed on the ground and put it back on. Nate handed me my used fedora when I sat next to him. I fingered back my hair and put the hat on the back of my head.

The twins, Jazz and Blondie, sat close together, quietly chatting about something on their shared phone. Jazz was the only girl in our crew. She kept her blond hair shaved on one side and bubblegum pink. She was sassy, strong, and vibrant. We all adored and protected her, though she hated it when we did that.

Blondie was more on the fem side, keeping his blond hair bleached as Stix did, with long bangs, wearing a loose sweater that fell off one shoulder. He wasn’t as sassy as his sister, but he was sweet. Both of them had been runaways before they’d met Alpha.

I pulled a pack of smokes out of my jacket, popped a cigarette into my mouth before lighting it, and sat next to Nate, making sure to touch him somehow. Our shoulders rubbed against each other as I hung out with my crew, not saying much. I usually didn’t talk a lot out of fear of saying the wrong thing or just blurting shit. Years of being smacked around for it would do that. Unknowingly showing a side of myself was what landed me in conversion therapy. It was best not to show any cards.

“Do you need your buds?” Nate asked.

I shook my head. “Nope, I’m good right now.”

“Wanna beer?”

I nodded and smiled at him. “Yeah, thanks.”

He handed me a can of something cheap. I popped the tab and took a gulp of it.

The winter months at skate parks were generally quiet, so I liked skating this time of year despite the cold.

“What the fuck you looking at, asswipe?” Blaze said, suddenly grabbing my attention as Blaze and Ajax gave each other death glares. Ever since Blaze intentionally injured Stix while skateboarding before Stone and Stix started dating, Ajax had hated him. Blaze eventually and reluctantly apologized, but it wasn’t enough for Ajax.

Blaze stood about as tall as Nate, but he acted as if he was taller and bigger than Ajax. Blaze was Stone’s former roommate before he and Stix moved in together. I assumed they called him Blaze because of his fiery temper, but what did I know?

Cueball sat next to Blaze, who had also been Stone’s roommate. He rarely talked, and even less than I did. I had no idea what he was all about, but he watched everyone and everything with intelligent amber eyes. They called him Cueball because he completely shaved his head.

I was still wary of Blaze and Cueball, our newest additions—our step-brothers, so to speak, thanks to Stone being with Stix.

The only one not here was Alpha. Ever since he opened his bar a couple of years ago, he’d been working nonstop. We missed him, and sometimes, we had to go to his house to drag him out for some family time.

They were my family, my crew, and I loved them all.

“Eyes up here, dickhead,” Blaze snapped at Ajax.

Ajax’s face burned red, and his eyes bulged. “I’m… I’m not looking at your dick, fuckhead.”

Blaze smirked, wearing his ‘gotcha’ face. “Who said anything about dicks?”

Ajax’s hands fisted, and the veins on his neck bulged. He looked ready to ram over anyone who got in his way. It took nearly all of us to hold him back, which wasn’t easy being the size of a linebacker.

Blaze’s eyes gleamed as he played with the rings on his tattooed fingers as Ajax lost it. I swore he had a death wish to torment Ajax so much. They constantly needled each other, and I couldn’t believe they hadn’t come to blows yet. The only one who would get hurt in that scenario would be Blaze. Although he seemed to be as reckless as Ajax.

Ajax huffed as we shoved him back to the ground to sit, mumbling obscenities at his friends. Then, his dark eyes pinged back on Blaze, and a cruel smirk twisted on his face. “What I meant to say is I wasn’t looking at your dick because you don’t have one, or it’s too small to notice. I was just trying to find it.”

I rolled my eyes at all the dick insults.

It was Blaze’s turn to lose it as he stood, and if he could gut someone with his eyes, he would. “The fuck you say?”

Ajax relaxed as Blaze turned to fire, clearly loving to get the same reaction out of him.

This time, Stone and Cueball were the ones to hold Blaze back. If this kept up, eventually, those two stubborn morons would come to blows, and someone was going to get seriously hurt.

“Why don’t you two idiots just fuck already?” Jazz said, blowing a bubble from her gum as she continued to scroll on her phone.

Blondie giggled and nodded. “Yep, that’s the only way to resolve your issues.”

Both Blaze and Ajax looked green at the very idea of fucking each other as they both ranted at the twins.

“As if!”

“I fucking hate that prick!”

“I wouldn’t touch him if my life depended on it!”

“... microdick.”

The rest of us burst out into a fit of laughter. I had to admit, Jazz may have been on to something there.

Soon, everyone settled back down as Blaze and Ajax quietly seethed, and I needed to skate again.

Sam sat next to me, smoking and watching everyone with a big smile on his face that looked genuine, but I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. He’d gotten so good at masking his feelings and pain from others, practicing for years. Among his other issues, he suffered from insecurities, which was no fault of his own, but it made him struggle with self-worth. All our friends assumed that Sam had ADHD, which he did, but we didn’t advertise it either. On top of it, he also put his happy mask on to disarm people. Years of being treated horribly forced him to adapt so he wouldn’t get hurt again.

All of our friends suffered one way or another. Stix and his little sister had been abandoned by their father after Stix came out as gay, and he’d blamed himself for his family’s financial struggles. Stone’s drugged-out parents had physically abused him until he finally left them. Jazz and Blondie were runaways. And Ajax had his own issues, but no one really knew his story. Like Sam, he kept his past close to the cuff. Whatever happened to Ajax made him volatile, making it hard to judge what would set him off. And I had no idea what Blaze’s and Cueball’s stories were. I didn’t know them well enough.

That was our crew. Alpha’s Rejects wasn’t just a bar in Baltimore, Maryland. It was home and family. We shared in our pain and suffering, finding friendship and a place that kept us whole.

I elbowed Sam. “I’m gonna go skate for a bit before we have to go.”

He faced me and smiled. “Yeah, have fun.”

The smile he gave felt genuine and made my heart beat a little faster, and my stomach fluttered. Sam was always beautiful, even in his pain, but when he had moments of true happiness, he fucking glowed, and his green eyes shone like gemstones. It reminded me of things that should’ve been and could be. If he hadn’t been through hell and back, that smile wouldn’t be a mask, not the one he wore for others.

I returned his smile, fighting the urge to lean into him, to kiss him, to do anything other than just smile back stupidly at someone I would give my life to protect.

I grabbed my board and made my way toward one of the several half-pipes in the skatepark. Skating was my stress relief. I loved Sam with every fiber of my being, and I loved taking care of him, but it could also be challenging, exhausting, and stressful sometimes.

It wasn’t like Sam couldn’t take care of himself, but he forgot a lot of things, like paying rent and bills or grocery shopping. When he shopped, he would buy things we already had instead of what we needed, which was why we usually shopped together. But those things were small in comparison to his anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares that could ruin the previous good day. I wasn’t a mental health expert, so all I could do was the best that I could to help him since he flat-out refused to see a doctor.

The one thing that made all my efforts worth it was when I would wrap myself around him after one of his rougher moments and feel him calm against me. His muscles would loosen, and his breathing would settle, showing I could offer Sam a safe space, and that he needed me as much as I needed him.

Talk about a need to focus. My life was so wrapped up around Sam that I often forgot about myself.

Before I skated off, Stix pulled me aside.

He was Sam’s height, and his ears glittered with so many studs and earrings. Stix also had a fresh tattoo of a stone rolling away on his arm. He’d explained that it represented Stone, who he called ‘Rolling Stone.’ The tat was kind of stupid-looking, but I loved the sentimentality behind it.

“Wait up,” he said. He didn’t have his board, so I assumed he wasn’t about to skate with me.

“What’s up?”

“So, how are things between you and Pippin?”

I shrugged and kept walking. “Fine.” But I knew what he was asking. Stix always pushed me to tell Sam about how I felt.

“Look, I’m here for you, okay? You really helped me with Stone a while back, and I just want to return the favor. Even if you just need to talk.”

God, I wanted to really dive in about how I was feeling and why I hadn’t told Sam after all these years that I loved him, but it wasn’t only my story. Sam kept his past a secret out of shame, blaming himself for the most part, and not wanting our friends to view him differently or pity him. I needed to respect that.

“Thanks.”

Before I skated off, Stix grabbed my arm. “Come on. I know you need to talk. We all do.”

“Learn that in group therapy with Stone, did we?” I asked to tease and divert the subject off of me.

He smirked. “Yeah, who knew I’d need therapy, too? It’s been useful and eye-opening.”

If I could get Sam into that free group therapy, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

“It is what it is,” I finally said.

“One thing I’ve learned is the truth either eventually comes out or the lie will do irreparable harm.”

No doubt not telling Sam how my feelings for him took its toll on me. A little piece of me chipped away at my silence. What if he didn’t like me the same way? My feelings would be out in the open, creating a permanent divide between us. It would change our dynamic, and not necessarily for the better. I could be wrong, and he may like me back, but I didn’t know that for sure, especially since Sam hadn’t given me any indication of interest. Ugh, then again, I’d never dated before, so I didn’t always understand the nuances of it. Maybe I was missing the signs.

“I know,” I finally said, dropped my board on the concrete, and pushed off as I made my way toward a half-pipe. Once I reached the top on one side, I did a drop-in, picking up speed before reaching the other side, where I stalled before dropping in again. Eventually, I had enough speed for handplants, boardslides, and catching air on the lip of the half-pipe.

The day was cold through my hoodie, but after skating for a few minutes, I grew warmer. Soon, my mind blanked out as I focused only on skating and making that trick I aimed for without having to bail.

Shortly after, Sam came over to skate with me. I smiled, loving that we could do this together. I would skate on one end, he would skate on the other, and then we would meet in the middle and touch, which always sent zings through my body.

Soon our skating turned into a little competition, trying to outdo each other on our tricks. But on Sam’s last turn, he did a handplant and overcompensated, reaching too far out from the platform.

It all happened almost in slow motion as I watched Sam from the other side tumble down and land hard on his board. Why didn’t he kick it away? This was what happened when you didn’t bail properly.

Sam cried out, holding his knee. That’s when I saw all the blood.

Fuck!

I jumped off the platform and straight down to him.

“Sam!”

Tears from the pain streamed down his face, grimacing as I tried to pry his fingers off his leg.

“Let me look.”

“No! Fuck, it hurts!”

“I need to look.”

I finally managed to get his hands off his leg and saw the ripped jeans and all the blood. There was a huge gash just below the kneecap with a flap of skin, and it was streaming blood, so I yanked off my hoodie and used it to stem the blood.

“Dude, are you okay?” Stix asked, showing up with Stone.

“He’s going to need stitches,” Stone said after pulling back my hoodie to look at the wound.

“No!” Sam suddenly went into panic mode, eyes going wild and trying to pull away. Dammit! This was the problem when no one understood Sam’s trauma and phobia. Now I needed to find a way to calm him down.

“Sam…”

He looked at me with pleading eyes, begging me not to tell anyone about his fears and to not let anyone take him to urgent care.

“Please,” he whimpered.

“Stix? Stone? Can you all leave us for a second?”

“Sure.”

Shit, if he needed stitches, this would cost us a lot of money, too, if I could even get Sam to see a doctor in the first place.

I didn’t know what to do.

Think, think, think.

As soon as Stix and Stone were out of earshot, I looked at Nate, begging him with my eyes. “Please. I can’t see a doctor.” Already the nausea and rapid heartbeat set in and my hands shook, masking the pain in my knee, which now just radiated heat and throbbed. “It will heal. I’ll be fine. Just pour some of Ajax’s whiskey on it, and I’ll be good as new.”

The look in Nate’s dark eyes told me it was bad, and more than just a scrape, though I hadn’t seen it yet. I didn’t want to look and see how bad it was.

“Sam, it’s huge. The bottom of your kneecap has been gouged open. There’s… skin no longer attached. It needs stitches.”

“No! Nononononono…”

“I am not equipped to handle this, Sam. Please.”

The tears welled, and I wanted to fucking throw up.

“What did you do when you were forced to go to the doctor before? Because foster care makes you get checkups.”

What did they do? A stinging shot, then sleepiness, unable to move, but I’m aware. Inside I cry but I can’t do anything. I’m not as scared, but when the meds wear off, I crawl under my blankets and hide. I want to hide forever and never come out. It makes me hate doctors even more. What if they drug me and do something to my brain again… or worse?

“Don’t make them drug me, Nate. Please.”

“They drugged you? Like give you something to help you relax or knock you out?”

I nodded.

Nate removed his hoodie again from my knee and looked at it. That was when I finally looked at the wound. It was still streaming blood and not easing up.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Please, Nate…”

“Don’t hate me, but we have to call the paramedics. I can’t even take you to the doctor. No one has a car, and the bus stop is too far away.”

“No!”

“I’m so sorry, Sam.”

Nate stands with guilt all over his face, pulls out his phone from his back pocket, and makes a call. My entire body is shaking, and the acid rises to my throat. Nate knew I couldn’t see doctors. He knew my fears, yet he was forcing me to see one, anyway.

When he hung up, he kneeled down beside me. “Please don’t hate me. Please, Sam.”

His eyes were filled with so much pain. Deep down, I knew he was only doing what he felt was best, but I’d rather fucking bleed to death.

“Why?” I cried.

“I can’t let you bleed out, Sam. Maybe it will heal, but it won’t heal right and you’ll end up with an infection. What if you injured more than your skin? I… I can’t. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t let them see,” I said, meaning our family. If I was being forced into this, I didn't want anyone to know. No one could.

“You got it.”

Nate helped me to stand, and I wrapped an arm around his shoulder as I limped toward the parking lot. We left our boards behind, but I was sure one of our crew would grab them.

A few minutes later, I heard the siren, and my heart felt like it was seizing. I tried to pull away as soon as I saw the EMT truck with flashing lights.

“No, no, no…”

“Sam?”

I choked on a sob as soon as a paramedic stepped out, rushing toward me, but when I yanked away from Nate, I fell on my ass and tried to scramble away, only making me bleed more.

“No!”

The tears spilled, and I suddenly faced the asphalt and threw up.

“Sam!”

Nate grabbed my hand and rubbed it soothingly, but nothing would calm me. I couldn’t think. My mind blinked in and out, back and forth from my past to my present. I only heard a smattering of words.

“He’s afraid…”

“Phobia?”

“... sedation.”

“... panic attack.”

“Sam,” said a man’s voice I didn’t recognize. “Breathe, Sam.”

I shook my head, gasping for breath, but my lungs had seized as they lifted my body off the ground.

Suddenly, I was lying down on a bed, and a mask was put on my face. Air. I inhaled and gasped. The tears kept spilling, and my mind couldn’t focus on anything. Lights. Beeps. A needle. Nate’s face with chocolate eyes full of worry. Then the warmth, as my eyes rolled up into my head, and my muscles relaxed.

The paramedics bandaged up my knee as they drove off toward my living hell. If I died and went to hell, a hospital full of doctors would be where I would spend eternity.

I was aware, but I wasn’t. My mind was still in and out, but my body no longer trembled and I stopped crying. Nate’s hand was in mine, I could feel his soothing rubs, and his long fingers entwined with mine.

I was angry with him, but I couldn’t feel it in the true sense of the word. The drugs numbed me and my body could barely move.

“Sam, you’re doing so good. You’re so brave.” Nate’s words sounded like we were underwater. Were we underwater? I felt light yet heavy, as if floating. I hated the water. Could we even talk underwater?

“We’re almost there. They’ll just stitch you up, and we’ll be on our way home before you know it.”

My mouth was thick, and I couldn’t find words to speak.

Suddenly the truck jolted, and I was hauled out and rushed inside the hospital. The panic tried to rise, but the drugs kept it back. I didn’t like not feeling anything, yet I was grateful for it.

Nate was talking, but I couldn’t follow along. Everything after that was a blur. A doctor. A nurse. I recoiled, but they couldn’t see it or ignored it. Pressure on my upper arm squeezed me. Needles. More stinging and then numbness. Tugging on my skin. I think they tried to talk to me. Nate smiled down at me, stroking my hair.

I focused on his face. His face of safety. But was he safe? He was trying to help me. He didn’t want me hurting. He made me suffer in this place.

God, just get me out of here.

My skin crawled from the medical filth. Doctors and nurses had touched me. I stood underneath the hot stream of water to wash it all off. My knee was covered with plastic, so I didn’t get my stitches wet—all eighteen of them. At least they were dissolvable stitches, so I wouldn’t have to go back to that hellscape to have them removed. The wound was worse than I thought. Nate was right that I needed treatment, but he was also wrong. I would’ve had a bad scar and possibly an infection, but who cared?

As soon as the water turned cold, I got out and dried off before removing the plastic. I slipped on my underwear, sweats, T-shirt, and a pullover hoodie. I was cold and shivered from the inside out between the winter, the lack of heat, and the trauma I’d just gone through.

If I never saw a doctor again, it would be too fucking soon.

“Sam?”

Nate’s voice was tentative and guilt-laden. Usually, when I suffered I needed his touch and his curls twining around my fingers, but not today. I needed to curl up and be alone, so I ignored him and headed to my room.

“Sam?”

Now his voice was near panic. I sighed and my eyes watered, but I didn’t turn around to look at him.

“Just… give me a bit, Nate. I need to just lie down for a few hours in my bed.”

“Do you need me to hold you?”

Yes.

No.

I shook my head and closed the door behind me.

“I’m so sorry, Sam,” Nate said through my door.

“Give me time. I’ll… be fine.”

I’d never be fine, but I didn't want Nate upset despite my frustration toward him.

I curled up in a ball underneath my blanket and draped it over my head, shivering. My knee ached like fuck and my stitches pulled, but I suffered through it so I could hide in my cave for a little while.

I woke up to warmth and comfort. When my eyes opened, they instantly focused on a sleeping Nate with his long fingers wrapped tightly on my hoodie, as if clinging to me for dear life just in case I suddenly vanished.

My star.

All my disappointment and frustration with him instantly washed away. Nate only did what was best for me. He cared about me and wouldn’t ever hurt me intentionally. He’d made a hard choice today, and for that, I could forgive him.

When my fingers curled around a lock of his soft hair, he opened his eyes, filled again with guilt and worry. “Sorry, I ah…”

“It’s okay.”

“Is it, though?”

“Yes. I was upset, but you were only trying to help. It fucking hurt and freaked me out, but now that I’m home with you holding me, I’m… better.”

My favorite fingers of his pulled away my bangs that had fallen in my face, and he smiled. Every time he touched me, my body thrummed with electricity. I loved it and hated it. I ached for more. It was never enough, but it would have to do.

“Thank you for forgiving me. I was terrified you’d leave or something.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

His smile grew brighter, and he snuggled into me. I wrapped an arm around him as I played with his hair and closed my eyes for more sleep.

The day had fucking wrecked me.

Goosebumps cover my skin as I shiver in the flimsy hospital gown they force us to wear. It’s humiliating. It’s cold. Always cold. The nurses—or at least I think they’re nurses—shaved my head. These nurses are nothing like the ones at the pediatrician’s office with sweet smiles and stickers. The nurses here are cold and mean. They never smile or have stickers.

Today, they made me watch a video of a man and woman having sex. It was gross, and each time I tried to look away, someone would force my head to keep my eyes on the screen. I took sex education in sixth grade, but it was nothing like this. If I didn’t react to the video, a nurse would rub my dick. It’s wrong. All wrong. But I do nothing, afraid of making things worse for me.

Obey, smile, agree.

Now, I stand in front of the doctor’s desk. He’s old with rheumy blue eyes and white hair. His face is a mask of wrinkles, and like the others, he never smiles or is kind.

“How was your day today, Sampson?”

“It was good.” It’s a lie, but after being here for four days, I quickly learn to say things that please them.

I wrap my arms around myself to keep warm, but it never helps. My body shivers from the cold and fear.

“Do you know why you’re here?”

I shake my head. No one told me why I was brought here. My parents lied about taking me shopping for school clothes and instead took me to a place far away. My parents scare me. They never hurt me physically, but they’re mean and always yelling at me when I do things wrong or won’t listen. I do listen. It’s just that I forget a lot.

When my parents pulled up to the nondescript concrete building, which had no signs, four days ago, a man in white scrubs helped me out of the car, and my parents drove away without so much as a goodbye or telling me why I was there. Something had been terribly wrong. I’d cried at their retreating car, knowing something bad was going to happen.

“You need to relearn what it means to be a boy and a growing young man. Your parents brought you here to fix you. Do you understand?”

I shake my head again because I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

“No twelve-year-old boy should have inappropriate and sinful thoughts about being with a man or liking boys.”

No, I never had those thoughts. “W-why do they think that?”

The doctor opens a file and scans the papers with glasses perched on his nose. “Your parents said you look at boys too often. The last time you had a dental appointment, you asked for Barbie stickers. You’ve been caught playing with your friend’s sister’s dolls, you refuse to play sports, you watch shows that are for girls, and you’re a bad boy in general, never listening to your parents or doing as you’re told.”

I didn’t know those things were bad. The tears well in my eyes because I want to be good. I tried so hard at home. “I… I’m not into boys.” At least, I don’t think I do because I never wanted a boy for a boyfriend. Then again, I never wanted a girlfriend either. “I want to be good.”

Finally, the doctor smiles, but it doesn’t put me at ease at all. In fact, it scares me even more. My heart rate is beating really hard, and I start to sweat despite being so cold. My mind is blanking out from the fear.

“Excellent. You learn quickly, Sampson. But we need to make sure you never deviate again. For the next four months, you will be set on the righteous path through prayer. We will break you of your sinful ways, but we will lift you back up into God’s good graces. I trust at the end of our program, you’ll be the perfect example of how a young man should behave. We’ve had a lot of success here with other boys like yourself.”

“I… I’ll do my best.”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

When someone walks in, I turn to find one of the orderlies. He’s a big man with acne scars on his face and small eyes. He’s always mean and rough with me.

“Time to get your head zapped, little man.”

I look back at the doctor, and panic fills me. What does ‘zapped’ mean? “W-what are you going to do?”

The doctor doesn’t even look at me as the orderly grabs my shaved head with a meaty hand and squeezes it as he leads me out of the office.

As we walk down the hall, my head hurts from his fingers digging into my skull. The sounds of crying coming from the rooms echo through the halls. I don’t like it here, and I want to go home. Living with my parents is better than being in this cold place full of pain.

The nurses and orderlies watch me without expressions on their faces, which suddenly morph into demons with burnt, peeling skin and black eyes. They smile as their teeth turn into sharp points, looking hungry and dripping with poisonous saliva.

They’re going to hurt me.

They want to eat me.

They like to gobble up little boys.

When I walk into the room and see all the demons there surrounding a bed with leather straps, I scream and scream...

My eyes popped open to darkness as my lungs tried to find air. The images of the nightmare dissolved into nothingness as the adrenaline wore off, leaving me with threatening tears. I clawed at my heart because it beat so hard it hurt, and the blood pounding in my ears was too loud.

I didn’t need to remember my dream because I’d had the same sensations over and over as a child at that dreaded facility that changed me forever. No, it hadn’t changed me. It destroyed me and reshaped me into something unrecognizable.

Ruined. Broken. Pathetic. Weak.

It was no wonder I had this nightmare so viscerally tonight after my recent ordeal at the hospital.

My mind flashed images of sterile rooms, being held down, and then the cold went away, replaced with burning and dizziness. I woke up in my room with white concrete walls, white sheets, and a barred window. My mind woke up to confusion and pain, not knowing where I was. Everything was fragmented. My memories shattered into pieces like mixing several jigsaw puzzle sets into one pile. My prison. My hell.

I hated sleeping. Sleeping brought more than the darkness of the evening. It brought the monsters back into my mind.

The movement in my bed helped me catch my breath. Nate. My Atlas. My Polaris, guiding me back on the right path to keep me from getting lost. I was a tiny star in the vast universe, but he was the biggest and brightest star who pulled me in with his gravity—

“I’m here. You’re okay. Go back to sleep.”

His soothing words did nothing for me tonight. There would be no sleeping. I hurt everywhere with ghosts haunting in my head, and my mind kept pinging all over the place, unable to focus, flashing between my past and my present. They were pieces of threads tied up in knots that I struggled to untangle.

And my knee hurt like a bitch.

He lay down next to me and gently tugged on my bare shoulder. Goosebumps spread over me, but the good kind. Not the cold kind. Not the creepy hospital kind.

“I can’t. Not tonight.”

I wish he’d sleep with me every night. Maybe I wouldn’t have so many nightmares, but I wouldn’t dare ask. He must come to me. Otherwise, I’d feel more broken by begging, asking… I’d done it a couple of times, and by the following day, I’d be sick from my weakness.

Still, the relief with Nate here always became overwhelming, so much so that it nearly hurt as much as the nightmares. Was that even possible? How could someone so comforting also hurt? Because he’s not mine. We were only friends—friends through thick and thin, but nothing more.

Nate sighed and sat up with me, my arms wrapped tightly around my folded legs. His caring and tender fingers combed away my bangs. I’d just gotten my hair cut recently, but they cut it crookedly because I’d only paid ten dollars for it. I needed it fixed. Maybe I could get another tattoo while I was at it. But we were trying to save money, which was impossible, especially when I spent so much.

Then there was the ambulance and hospital bills that were due soon. Shit.

His finger swirled over the mandala pattern on my arm, and I relaxed and focused on Nate’s soothing touch. God, he was so good at bringing me back. Nate was so smart, empathetic, and patient. Cleaning tables in a bar was wasted on him. He could do such great things if I weren’t around, but I was too selfish to let him go.

He rested his chin on my shoulder as he continued tracing the pattern on my forearm, smelling of sleep, limes, coconut, and all things Nate—my favorite smell in the world.

“Sam, perhaps it’s time. I feel helpless because I can’t help you the way you need and deserve.”

My head shook back and forth frantically, knowing what he was saying. “You’re amazing. My best friend. You help more than you think.”

He sighed again. “You still have nightmares all the time. I can’t help with those. They aren’t going away, even after years, because we aren’t doing enough to help you cope with them. We aren’t… professionals. I’m just not smart enough to help you more than I am.”

My heart and gut clenched at his efforts to hide the word ‘doctor.’

“Stix and Stone use group therapy. It’s with others just like them. They’re doing really well with it. It would be in—”

I scooted away from him. No doctors. Never. It was bad enough I ended up in the hospital. I gripped my hair and shook my head. “No!”

“I know it’s scary, but that one doctor wasn’t normal, if he was even a doctor at all, and those people weren’t real nurses. They were evil. Most doctors aren’t like that, Sam. Most doctors are good and really want to help people. Look at the ones who healed you the other day. They made you better.”

We’d had this conversation before… so many times. Too many times. Nate would never understand the innate fear—the sweating, the cold, the pain, the indifference to suffering… Sometimes the memories made me want to just die to silence them. I knew logically that not all doctors and nurses were bad. I wasn’t irrational or stupid despite my lack of an education. That didn’t stop the panic and anxiety. Just the thought had me breathing too hard, and my body broke out in a new sheen of sweat.

Nate swirled his finger again over the tattoo, bringing me back. He was so good at bringing me back. I didn’t need a doctor. I needed my Polaris.

“What about your tattoos?” he asked.

“What about them?”

I reached for a lock of his hair with my other hand as he touched me… More soothing and easy breathing.

“They use needles. That doesn’t scare you.”

“They aren’t shots to change me into something grotesque. Tattoos are art, and tattoo artists aren’t doctors. The designs on my skin remind me of when we took the bus to Washington, D.C., for the day. We went to the Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden. All the pretty designs and modern art were relaxing. I loved it there.”

“That was a fun day.”

“These artists create something beautiful on my skin that isn’t ugly. They take all that’s bad in me and turn me into something beautiful.”

“Jesus…” he whispered. “You’re always beautiful. Inside and out. But this is why you need someone, Sam. Those negative thoughts aren’t… good for you.”

A tear slid down my face. Only his tracing my skin and me playing with a dark curl kept me from slipping back into a panic.

“What if something happens to you again? What if I have to take you to the hospital, and if I don’t, you die?” he asked.

“Then you let me die. I’m not going back. Ever.”

His body stiffened against mine, and he quit tracing my tattoo. “That’s not going to fucking happen, Sam.”

“Some things are worse than death.”

“Fuck…”

I needed the morning and the sunshine. I always felt better during the day. The day destroyed the darkness. Right now, all I needed was for Nate to hold me for a while. We needed to stop talking about nightmares, doctors, and my lack of self-worth.

After everything I’d been through, I shouldn’t want him. According to those horrible people, loving another man was evil and dark. But they were the monsters, not Nate. Never Nate. Loving him didn’t scare me. Despite all of my fears, loving him was easy. But that would never happen.

Fantasies of kissing him, sucking him… love and lust soon took away my night horrors, and my body unclenched.

“Can we talk about this later?” I asked.

“Sure.”

But we wouldn’t, not until I was hurting again.

We fell back into my bed, tangled around each other as he fell back asleep. I hated ruining his sleep so much. He was always tired.

“We’re going to be okay as long as we’re together,” he whispered sleepily.

I finally smiled. Maybe I could do something fun for Nate soon to pay him back for being so good to me.

I yawned as I shuffled into the hot shower. I should’ve slept in after our late night. Sam usually struggled to go back to sleep after one of his more terrifying nightmares, so he’d get up, putter around the apartment, and then he would meditate. Sometimes I slept in, but this morning, I couldn’t, missing his warmth in bed.

The meditation for Sam had been Alpha’s idea after looking up ways to help him with focusing. Alpha researched ways to help since I’d been clueless. My reading wasn’t the best either, so it was hard for me to make sense of any research I did on my own. So, I did my best and offered Sam my patience and friendship. Living on the streets before we met Alpha didn’t leave us with too many resources to find help.

Thoughts about Sam needing a professional slipped into my mind again, but I shoved them right out. I was too tired and just wanted a moment to relax. Living with Sam wasn’t hard, for the most part. I loved being around him. He was fun and sweet, especially when he felt good. But no doubt, he had his rough days, which, in turn, could be rough on me, but I never showed it, or I tried not to. I didn’t want Sam to feel guilty, which he inevitably would.

After lathering my hands with soap, I ran it over my dick, which instantly got hard, as my mind flooded with images of Sam, naked in bed, hovering over me as he pounded into my ass. Unfortunately, the closest thing I ever got to having sex was with my hand and my fantasies.

Neither of us had ever had sex before. I was stupidly saving myself for him, while Sam never seemed interested in anyone, either. He’d never talked about wanting another guy or how hot some guy at the bar was. I often wondered if he was asexual, but I’d never brought it up. Did the conversion therapy do that to him? I definitely wasn’t asexual, but I suppose since we never talked about sex at all, Sam could’ve assumed the same thing about me.

Was it sad to masturbate the next morning after spending my evenings in bed holding and consoling a suffering Sam? Probably. But I needed to do something to ease my urges.

I silenced my mind to seek out some sort of inadequate relief. It was better than nothing, but sometimes, nothing was better than reminders of what I could never have.

My soapy hand slid smoothly over my dick, giving it slow and methodical strokes as the hot water spilled over me. I should be making this fast because we’d run out of hot water soon. This apartment was shit with small water heaters.

Sam had my ass in the air, kissing my cheeks before he ran his wet, warm tongue over my hole. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to have him do that to me. It probably felt perfect. The very idea had my cock throbbing.

I stroked faster while using my other soapy fingers to rub over my hole. My body grew warm on the inside, flushing my face and ears. The pressure around my groin grew intense. I shut my eyes and leaned against the cracked shower tiles before my balls shot out their load all over the tub and my fist. My body stilled and then shuddered, my hand stroking faster, pulling out every last drop and keeping that lingering climax going for as long as possible, but it was over as quickly as it started.

Before I could catch my breath, the water grew colder, so I quickly soaped up my body and rinsed it off. By the time I finished, the water was freezing. I dried off, wrapped the towel around my waist while shivering, and stepped out of the bathroom to find Sam watching me from our beat-up couch in the living room. But he wasn’t looking at my face, but staring down at the towel. Did he hear me in there? I thought I’d been careful not to make too much noise.

My face burned as I hurried into my room and walked into my tiny closet, where I kept folded T-shirts, jeans, shorts, and hoodies on the shelf above.

I snagged a black T-shirt, a pair of ripped jeans, some underwear, and a gray hoodie from the top of the pile of folded clothes, put them on, and headed to the kitchen to find coffee waiting for me.

“Thanks for making me coffee,” I said.

He gave me a big smile as if he hadn’t been suffering all night. It made my heart flutter. I loved his smile. It lit up his entire aura, making him more beautiful than he already was.

“Anytime, man.”

He would write himself notes and place them around the apartment when he needed to remember things. It didn’t always work, but he had one right next to the coffeepot for when he got up before me, which said, ‘Make Nate some coffee with two scoops of creamer and two spoonfuls of sugar in the morning.’ I loved how he tried to take care of me, too.

Then, a feeling of suffocating sadness and loneliness hit me as I tried to beat it back with a stick. Could I do this for the rest of my life? I swore to him I’d never leave him, and he made the same promise to me. But could I live a life without having him for more? Could I live a life where I never had sex or experienced pleasure with a man? What if I ended up finding someone? What if they didn’t like Sam? No way. I’d never date anyone who wouldn’t accept him. Sam and I were a package deal.

Rubbing one out this morning reminded me of how lonely I was. It became a constant lingering emotion, like an itch I could never reach to scratch. There had been so many times I’d nearly given in and told Sam how I felt, that I loved him, and wanted to be with him for the rest of our lives.

I wanted to kiss him in the rain, as corny as it sounded, hold him every night instead of when he needed me, to make love in every corner of this shitty apartment. Hell, I’d take holding his hand whenever we were out grocery shopping or at the thrift store.

“You okay?”

Sam’s question silenced my thoughts. Thank god, because they were about to consume me. It was getting worse. I’d been so good at controlling my feelings, but it got harder and harder as time went on. It didn’t help as I watched Stix and Stone find love and show their happiness to the world. I wanted that with Sam so much that I could practically taste it. My envy was nearly painful.

I smiled at him. “Yep. Just thinking about stupid shit.”

I walked over to the old brown plaid couch and sat next to him as it groaned under my weight, though I barely weighed anything.

“What are you looking at?” I asked as he scrolled through his phone.

Our phones cost a lot of money, and the monthly bill for Wi-Fi was a lot, but they were a necessary expense.

Fuck, that reminded me of the hospital bill coming up. I needed to set aside money for that from our tips. Maybe they’d let me make payments on it.

Sam bit his smiling bottom lip. “I’m looking up things for you and me to do.”

I rested my head on his shoulder to watch him, careful not to spill my coffee. “We do a lot of things together.”

“We skate and work together, and we live together, but we don’t do anything beyond that, and I get it. We don’t have a lot of cash floating around. I’m trying to find something that isn’t expensive. I remember this park my mom used to take me to when I was little—one of the nicer and one of the few memories I had as a kid. I remember the ducks, and Mom gave me some bread to feed them. I would giggle at the waddling bodies as they fought for food. You’re not supposed to feed ducks bread anymore, but we didn’t know better then. Maybe Mom did know better.” He looked up at me with wide eyes. “Maybe she was mean to ducks like she was mean to me. Do you think—”

I rested my hand on his arm. “Did you find anything fun to do?”

Sam nodded and leaned in to show me pictures of an outdoor movie night. He hadn’t showered yet, so his sleepy smell, mixed with coffee, lingered on his skin. I shut my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath of him before I focused on the website he showed me.

“This is Federal Hill. They’ve got a free movie night tomorrow. The place is called Flicks from the Hill. We’ll need to take a bus there, but it’s not too far. I never even knew about it until I looked up things to do that were free. It’s going to be cold, but we’ll bring our blankets. Snow is also expected the next day, so there shouldn’t be too many people. Maybe we can grab a pizza and have a picnic. There’s a pizza joint nearby, if that’s okay. Or maybe we can find a place that sells nachos. I mean, that costs money, and I’m supposed to find something free. Sorry. Maybe not pizza or nachos.”

I smiled at his rambling. He kept quiet for the most part, but he felt comfortable talking around me, which I loved. I could listen to him all day. “Pizza and a movie sound perfect.”

He looked at me with his bright, gem-like green eyes under thick red lashes. “Yeah?”

“Yep. Sounds like a great time, man.”

“Cool.” He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s just… you do so much for me and make me feel… safe, like I can always be myself without judgment or you getting angry.”

I reached for his chin and pulled him to look at me. It took all my power not to stare at his full mouth with that cute hoop going through his bottom lip. We sat so close that it would take nothing to lean in to kiss him and finally claim the very person who should be mine, but I managed to resist the urge.

“You should never be made to feel less. Our friends are good to you, too. I wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t. You’re special, Sam. After everything you’ve gone through… Fuck, to be so amazing despite it all.”

I love you for it. I love you.

“I… just feel bad sometimes. Like I’m a burden. And I know you want me to get help…”

“You’re never a burden. Ever. You hear me?”

He nodded, still looking uncertain. I’d learned enough over the years with Sam that it took more than words to heal someone. He really needed a professional.

“I understand your fears, but I’m worried that eventually I won’t be enough to help you,” I admitted. “Years have gone by, and… things aren’t improving for you. I’m just not qualified to help you sometimes, though I really try.”

His eyes met mine with furrowed brows. “You’re so wrong, Nate. So very wrong. You’ve got no idea how good you make me feel. Yes, I still struggle, but fuck, if I didn’t have you…”

He didn’t need to say the words, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear them. I often wondered what would’ve happened to him if he had no one he could cling to or have as a best friend.

The very idea of him all alone, suffering, made me want to scream or hurt something—hurt the very people who tried to destroy someone as special as Sam. He may suffer from time to time, but they didn’t destroy him, as he often claimed.

We found each other for a reason. Not only did he need me, but I needed him. Sam also helped me with my own personal demons and abandonment issues.

Maybe there was no such thing, but I believed in soul mates. Sam was mine. We existed for each other.

“This is your room,” says the portly man, my new foster father, who told me to call him Jimmy. One out of how many now? I never really knew since I didn’t learn how to count correctly until I was six years old.

“You have to share with Sampson. He’s a pain in the ass, so you’ll just have to suck it up. I have no more room for you. I wasn’t supposed to take another fucking kid in, but here we are.”

This will be another house that won’t ever want me. No one ever wants me. There was only that one time, about five years ago, when I was nine, a family talked about adopting me. My hopes had soared for the first time since I could remember. They were so nice, with a pretty home and a cute cat. But a few months later, the system dumped me off at another foster home. Ever since then, I’ve promised myself that I will never hold out hope again. Their abandonment had nearly crushed me. I sobbed for days afterward. My new foster parents had hated that, not knowing what to do with all my stupid crying.

The man leaves me alone with my roommate, sitting in his bed, pretending to read a book, but his green eyes keep darting at me over the edge of the book. His red hair looks like he cuts it himself. I love the color. I’d never met a redhead before.

“Hi, I’m Nathaniel, but everyone calls me Nate.”

“I’m Sampson. Sometimes people call me Sam.”

Sam looks to be a couple of years older than me. He’s definitely bigger. And he’s really, really cute. He looks like someone I would want to have as a boyfriend.

He gives me a shy smile that has my heart skipping a few beats. It sucks me in like no smile has done before. That’s when I noticed the fading bruise on his cheekbone.

“What happened?”

His smile faltered, and he shrugged. “I… I’m just a bad person. I make people angry too much.”

I don’t see it. He doesn’t seem bad to me at all. He looks beautiful and kind of shy.

“How are you bad?”

He shrugs again, unable to look at me. “I dunno… I forget things too much and don’t do as I’m told. I can’t help that I forget stuff all the time. It’s hard to remember everything.”

“You get into trouble because you forget stuff, and they… hit you for it?”

“They try not to, but I make them so mad. I’m really bad and worthless. That’s what Jim calls me… that, and he calls me a piece of shit.”

My hands fist tightly, and my heart beats too fast with this sudden urge to protect Sam. I don’t know where this protective need comes from. I’ve had plenty of foster brothers and sisters in my life. Some were better than others, but I never attached myself to anyone because everything in life is temporary.

“Then I’ll help you remember.”

He bites his bottom lip as he smiles. “Thanks.” His voice is just a whisper, but I feel his appreciation and need for a friend.

Yes, I would spend the rest of my life without someone else as long as Sam was always with me, even only as friends.

The bus ride to Federal Hill didn’t take too long. Honestly, Nate and I should’ve just skated there, but the bus had heaters, and we were going to be in the cold for several hours. With thick, worn blankets tucked under our arms and backpacks packed with a thermos of hot chocolate, bottled water, and our boards, we stepped off the bus and walked toward the pizza joint nearby.

I was limping because my kneecap was still bruised and swollen with the stitches pulling and tugging, but I could walk pretty well.

We ordered a large pizza, half with pepperoni, onions, and mushrooms for Nate, and the other half with only cheese for me. I wasn’t as adventurous when I ate, despite my ability to make delicious mixed drinks. I liked my food simple after months of being forced to eat horrible meals during that camp from hell and eating old food while on the streets. Not to mention we barely got the basics in foster care. Foster homes didn’t give us many opportunities to try unique foods. Nate was more adventurous than me, but not by much.

Since we had time before the movie, we sat at a couple of barstools with a long table facing out a massive window to eat our pizza while it was still hot. I peeled off a slice, oozing in melted mozzarella cheese with steam coming off it. My mouth watered as I took a bite of the cheese, tomato, and garlic dough.

Pizza was my happy food. Pizza meant it was a special day since it was only ordered on certain occasions growing up, like a birthday party at school. Nate and I rarely splurged on it, so this sort of felt like a date.

I wish we were on a date. We could’ve watched the movie, cuddled under the blankets, and kissed ourselves stupid with pizza lingering in our mouths. Nate’s hand would slide underneath my coat and hoodie. His hands would be cold, which would blanket my skin in goosebumps, but soon, he’d warm me up as he kissed my throat—

“God, this is pretty fucking good pizza,” Nate said, bursting my fantasy bubble, which was a good thing because my dick tried to pulse to life. He took a large bite of his pizza, the cheese oozing out of his mouth in long strips as his mouth desperately tried to bite it all and keep it from dripping on his pink hoodie. It was hard to take my eyes off him, his curls falling in his face, mouth greasy from the pizza that I weirdly wanted to lick off, uncaring of how that sounded.

When Nate caught me staring, he smiled with a mouthful of food, exposing his pretty cheekbones. My heart fluttered, and my stomach dipped. Even after years of loving Nate from afar, he could still do that, always making my body react and burn for him. Imagine if we touched each other willingly and not in a friendship or comforting way. My body would probably incinerate.

With a deep breath to calm my libido, I took another bite of pizza and yanked my eyes away from him.

“Thanks for not making us get nachos,” I teased, mainly as a distraction.

Nate stuck his tongue out at me, making me chuckle. “Nachos are the food of the gods. They have every food pyramid requirement: tortilla chips for grains, cheese for dairy, ground beef and beans for protein, and sprinkled with onions and tomatoes for your veggies.”

We’d had this conversation countless times. I loved teasing him about his infatuation with nachos, but I understood it. They were pretty tasty, but without the onions and beans.

After my second slice, I was pretty full, but Nate and I forced ourselves to eat as much as possible so we didn’t waste our food. We weren’t used to eating this much, so we got stuffed easily. My stomach felt bloated yet satiated.

“What movie’s playing tonight?” Nate asked.

“Uh… I don’t remember.”

He smiled and pulled out his phone, bringing up the website. He snorted a laugh. “It’s Shrek. Fuck, that movie came out before either of us was born.”

I leaned over his shoulder and wished I could inhale him, but the pizza scent overpowered Nate’s smell. “I haven’t seen it, but it looks fun.”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen it either. Not that we see a lot of movies.” Growing up in foster care, we rarely got to see movies, and TV was as basic as you got. And if we got to watch what we wanted, we had to fight over it with the other kids.

“Yeah, I don’t remember watching too much TV.”

Nate wiped his hands on the napkin and shoved away his plate with a slice of half-eaten pizza. “I’m fucking stuffed. If I eat anymore, I’m going to explode.”

He asked a server for a smaller to-go box. When they returned with the container, he shoved the remaining slices into the box and put it into his backpack.

“The pizza will be smashed, but we can nuke it at home for lunch tomorrow. Pizza’s still pizza, right?”

“As long as I don’t have gross onions, mushrooms, and pepperoni mixed with mine. Kidding, not kidding.”

Nate laughing happily was the best sound in the world.

We grabbed our things and headed out into the frigid night. The evening sky looked pale from the thick clouds reflecting the city lights, making the night brighter.

I loved the snow and hoped we got a lot. While we couldn’t go out and skate, I loved being cooped up in the apartment with Nate, like we were the only two souls left in the silent, white world. We’d snuggle on the couch under a blanket and watch TV because our apartment would be cold, or he’d read me one of his comic books. Like me, Nate wasn’t the best reader, but I loved to listen to his voice as he stuttered a little and slowly told a story about his favorite superhero. He found a box of them really cheap at a thrift store once and fell in love.

Nate checked the time on his phone. “The movie’s going to start soon, so we better hurry.”

The walk was only a few blocks as we rushed toward Federal Hill. The area where they were showing the movie had a small grassy hill facing a brick building with a massive movie screen over it.

The hill was busier than we’d thought it would be, as we found a place on the grass to sit close enough to see the screen. But there weren’t so many people that it stressed me out. And the view was to die for, looking out at the entire city of Baltimore with the tall buildings, city lights, and the harbor. This city struggled with poverty and jobs, but it was home and pretty much all I knew.

Nate laid one blanket on the ground before pulling out the thermos full of hot chocolate to keep us warm. Once we sat down, he covered us up with the other blanket and scooted so close to me that we touched shoulders, hips, and legs.

Nate handed me the thermos, and I took a sip as the credits started to roll. I handed it back to him, and he took a sip before closing the lid tightly.

“This looks like it’s going to be good. What a great idea, Sam.”

I beamed at my best friend. “Thanks.” That was exactly what I’d wanted when I made plans. I had a hard time planning and sticking with them, but once I had an idea, I’d just tell Nate, and he’d roll with it, making sure we got to where we needed to go on time.

As long as I made Nate happy, he’d never leave.

The movie was hilarious. Nate and I giggled almost non-stop as we finished off the hot cocoa.

At some point, Nate’s hand brushed against mine. My body froze so he wouldn’t move it. Don’t move. Keep it there. I pretended we were boyfriends, holding hands on date night. But when I shivered, since I didn’t have the warmest coat, Nate pulled out a knit beanie from his backpack and put it on my head. Then he grabbed both of my hands in his to warm them up.

I wanted to whimper at his touch, needy for so much more than little touches that meant nothing more than friendship. Maybe it was just as well, because I’d never be good enough for Nate. He deserved a man who was smart like him and someone Nate didn’t have to take care of all the time.

I was a fucking burden.

“Is it wrong of me to ship Shrek and Donkey?” Nate asked, pulling out of my declining thoughts.

I plastered on a smile I didn’t feel, so he wouldn’t need to take care of me and ask me what was wrong.

“No, I totally ship them, too. I’m Donkey, and you’re Shrek.” Nate’s smile was wide as he chuckled. “I’m the bouncing one, all over the place.” Then his smile dropped, and I swallowed, not looking at him. I rested my chin on my folded knees as I watched the end of the movie.

Shit, did I just hint I was shipping us together?

“I’d rather be Donkey than Shrek. Donkey is smart and resourceful, like you. I think you’d make a perfect Donkey.”

I turned my head on my knees and looked at my one true person. “No, I’m none of those things. I’m not good at anything.”

Nate’s brows furrowed as he scooted closer to me. He sat so close I felt his heat even in this cold, and then his smell washed over me like a warm, fuzzy blanket. I wanted to shut my eyes and absorb him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Nate didn’t ask in anger. His tone was soft, like a tender touch. “You’re very resourceful and amazing at a lot of things, like bartending, which you’re a fucking pro at, you skateboard like an expert, and you planned this perfect night.”

He touched my hair and pulled back my long bangs, peeking out from under the beanie. His words made my eyes want to water, but I wouldn’t do that to him when he was being so nice to me.

“You always say bad things about yourself, and I wish you saw what I did. You’re so strong and resilient, and you find so many ways to keep yourself happy. I would never ask you to be any other way than how you are now. Only that… I hate it when you’re hurting. If I could take it all away, I would.”

My bottom lip trembled, so I sucked it in my mouth, touching the coldness of my lip ring with my tongue. “I know you would.”

Nate was my safe harbor in a storm. A place where I could anchor myself and be the real me, unafraid of how he’d react when I failed, forgot something or said the wrong thing. But I also wanted to be my best for him, to show him he could lean on me, too, when he needed it, that I could get my shit together long enough when he needed me to hold him instead.

His dark eyes never left mine, watching me for any hints of my pain and suffering forcing their way through my porous walls. “Please tell me you’re good.”

“I’m good.”

After the movie, we made it on time for the last bus of the night. I was grateful for the warmth. The ride wasn’t too long, but Nate had fallen asleep, resting his head on my shoulder. He always lacked sleep because of me, but he never complained.

I rested my head in his curls, constantly inhaling his addicting scent. He was my home.

All too soon, we were close to home and at the end of our date night. It wasn’t a date, but I pretended it was. I had a really good time, and I think Nate did, too. Then again, we always had a good time together, except at night when my demons came out to play.

Movement in my bed stirred me awake, breaking me out of one of my more pleasant dreams of holding a certain boy’s hand in the cold under thick blankets. My eyes fluttered open to find Sam climbing into my bed. Who else would it be? Regardless, he hardly ever came to me, probably so he wouldn’t bother me, but I never minded.

“Can I sleep here?” he asked, sliding under my covers before I answered because I always said yes.

“Bad dream?”

“Sleep fucking hates me. I’d never sleep if my body didn’t need it so much.”

“I get it.”

If only he’d finally get the help he needed so he could sleep and have fewer nightmares. Sam had periodically told me stories of his life during conversion therapy, but only what he could stomach. No doubt his time there had been a lot worse than he’d claimed. My only assumption as to why it hasn’t been banned in this country is because of the continued resentment toward queer people and believing that we chose to be gay, not to mention the religious fervor against it. They should call it what it was: torture. I’d even heard stories about teens getting raped by the opposite sex as if that would miraculously ‘fix’ them. I had no doubt those people had an underlying masochism to them. The torturers derived pleasure from the children’s pain, not to mention my suspicions of grooming, masking it as ‘treatment.’

I rolled onto my side as Sam snuggled into me, draping an arm over my waist. He closed his eyes, and I watched him try to sleep. It must not have been one of his worst dreams since he’d never cried out and went back to sleep, so I wasn’t quite sure what brought him to me, not that I was complaining.

His breathing evened out, and the fingers touching my back twitched. I smiled, grateful he’d get some sleep tonight, and so would I. Sam didn’t have nightmares every night, but he had them often enough that I got little sleep myself, and I was tired throughout the day and most of the week. Then, having to work late four to five days a week often left me exhausted. It wasn’t Sam’s fault. Maybe one day it would finally be too much, and he’d finally seek the help he so desperately needed.

His fingers continued to twitch like a caress on my skin. My body shuddered for a moment, wanting to press itself tighter against him.

How could I know virtually every inch of Sam yet not have access to the most intimate parts of him? What if he finally gave a hint that he wanted more with me? Would I jump on the chance? Would I pretend I felt nothing out of fear? I’d been pining for Sam for so long that I didn’t know how I’d react. It would be stupid not to jump on the opportunity, though.

Despite being tired, I couldn’t close my eyes and drift off. I reflected on the movie tonight, sitting so close to him under the blankets. It had been so cold, but my body had been set on fire with his nearness, as it always was. When I’d grabbed his freezing hands, I’d nearly confessed the truth then and finally told him I loved him. The need to kiss him had been unbearable. I didn’t know where I’d found the strength to hold myself back, but I did, pulling from deep within the wells of my soul, which was quickly running dry the longer I kept my secret.

His relaxed state held me captive, and I couldn’t stop staring at him. The moment made me suddenly struggle to breathe out of desperation to claim him. My wanting him could be soul-crushing sometimes. Sam was my first and only love. He was mine, yet he wasn’t. He was mine only in my dreams and fantasies, but we also belonged together. We were soul mates. It fucking hurt sometimes, so much so that I’d break down whenever I got a moment of privacy. I did everything possible to be strong for him, but when he wasn’t around, I allowed myself to crumble. Sometimes it could be cathartic, but mostly, it just hurt more. Sam needing me kept me going forward; that, and loving him.

Once I knew he’d fallen asleep, I gently leaned forward, careful not to move him around, and pressed my lips delicately to his. Only for a second. Nothing more. His warm breath ghosted my skin, and his lips were so soft. My heart ached with need before I pulled away.

When I did, wide eyes stared right back at me.

I gasped as Sam and I scrambled away from each other. He looked appalled and shocked, while I was mortified and guilt-ridden. I shouldn’t have kissed him in his sleep. Why did I do that? It was fucking creepy, but I almost had no will against his pull. He’d looked so beautiful sleeping, especially when his nightmares didn’t torment him. I imagined he was happy, that we were boyfriends, and that he loved me back.

The street lights trickled in from the broken blinds, removing most of the color in my bedroom, casting dim, gray light over us, matching my sudden shift in mood. We both sat on our knees, staring at each other, not saying anything. Sam’s eyes grew wider as he touched his lips. My heart hammered in my chest, and my stomach roiled in disgust at what I’d done and the fear of his reaction.

I fucking destroyed everything with my lack of self-control. What was he going to do? I definitely had no idea what to do. How could I fix this? Would he be angry? Hate me? Push me away. I kissed him without his consent. God, I’d ruined everything. My tears welled, and I tried to push them back, but a few slipped out.

“You kissed me,” he breathed.

I reached out to him before retracting my hand. “I’m… so sorry, Sam. God, how stupid. I shouldn’t…”

He dropped his hands into his lap and looked at them. “Have you… kissed me before like that?”

Another tear slipped out, and I angrily swiped it away and nodded. “I’m so sorry,” I said again.

Sam scooted back until he hit the wall behind him, drew up his legs, and wrapped his arms around them. “Why?”

His defensive posture set my guilt to peak levels. His pulling away like that fucking hurt. I shouldn’t have kissed him. It was so wrong to have done that without his permission. I’d only given him a peck, but still… Now his body drew up tight, hating me for it, and I couldn’t blame him. Shit, and he had so many other things to worry about without me creeping on him.

Fuck, it was now or never. Sam needed to know my feelings. There was no turning back or hiding how I felt about him any longer. How fucking stupid of me to assume I could keep this a secret forever. Living with him and not having him was torture, but not having him in my life at all would fucking kill me.

All I could do was hope he would eventually forgive me.

My trembling, clammy hands tangled and twisted in each other, unable to look at him as I finally admitted the truth.

“I… kissed you because… I love you.” There, I said it. Everything was out in the wide open now, and there was no taking my words back. This was the moment of truth. The earth didn’t crumble and swallow me up. Lightning didn’t rain down on me. I was still whole as I waited for Sam’s response.

Would Sam climb out of my bed, pack up his things, and leave me alone forever? Or would he forgive me if I promised never to kiss him again?

Sam tore his gaze from his hands to look at me wide-eyed. Before I let him tell me never to come near him again, I plunged forward with the rest of my truth.

“I’ve always felt this way, Sam, ever since we were foster brothers. We started out as friends, but over time, I just fell for you. You hurt so much, and you… liked me and wanted to hang out with me. All my life, I’ve felt alone and abandoned, but you took that away from me with your friendship and brightness. Despite all your pain… how you could still smile was beyond me. I wanted to be a part of that. And even with our lack of a decent education, you’re so fucking smart. But mostly, I fed off of your kindness. It all culminated into this clusterfuck of want and need and fear and abandonment issues.”

I scoffed and brushed an angry hand across my wet face. “You always complain about your issues, but fuck if I don’t have my own. You help soothe them and give me a direction in life… a purpose I never had before. After being with you and taking care of you the best way I know how, you’ve given me a direction and a future when before I had none of that. Eventually, it all turned to love.”

“W-why didn’t you tell me? All… All these years…”

“Fear? Fear of being a burden to you. I was afraid you’d walk away from me, leaving me alone and without purpose. I didn’t want to know that you didn’t want me back because I’d rather have you need me. What if we tried to have more between us, and you left me? I… couldn’t fucking bear it.”

Sam picked at his nails, thinking about my words. He probably had a lot to process with my rambling. My brain and heart weren’t faring much better.

“Does anyone know about… how you feel?”

Shit, I hadn’t expected that question at all. “Yeah… I didn’t tell our friends anything, but they figured it out on their own and asked. I only told them I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, which is true. But they know nothing about… what happened to you or anything.”

“God, it makes so much sense now.”

“What does?”

“All those times they’d tease me about you. I thought…”

“What did you think?”

“That they assumed I was into you.”

I swallowed and dropped my head. He didn’t say he was into me, only that they’d teased him about it. Fuck. This was why I hadn’t wanted to tell Sam the truth. I rubbed my aching heart with my hand, unable to look at him, my eyes stinging from the weight of his rejection. My lips trembled from the effort of holding back the dam. “Please don’t leave me, Sam.”

“Leave you? Hell, I’d never fucking leave you, Nate.”

He held open his arms, and I scrambled over to him like a magnet, wrapping my legs around his waist and looping my arms around his neck, pulling him hard against me. Sam’s calloused hands slid underneath my shirt and held me back as I rested my head on his shoulder.

My emotional turmoil came to a head, and the dam finally burst. My body racked with quiet sobs. The excruciating pain of holding my feelings back for years was evident with each tear I shed. I hadn’t realized how much of a psychological toll it’d taken on me until I finally admitted my love for him, along with the overwhelming fear of abandonment.

Everything was now out in the open. It was up to Sam to decide what was to become of us. All I could do was accept whatever he chose.

What to do? What to do?

I’d been dying to hear those words forever, but they also terrified me.

My heart slammed against my chest so hard that Nate could probably feel it as he held on tight to me, clawing at the back of my shirt as he sobbed. My clammy hands trembled as I clawed him back. His reaction made my eyes water, too, because he hurt. Nate should never be in pain.

I didn’t deserve him, but he loved me. He said he did. Nate never lied to me. Was not telling me his feelings for years a lie? If so, then I was just as guilty.

Tell him back. Tell Nate you love him.

Why was I so afraid after he confessed to me? Years of holding back. Years of staying silent. It scared me to admit something when I’d had it in my head for so long that he wouldn’t want me, that he would leave me if he knew the truth. Who wanted to be around someone who loved you, but you couldn’t love him back?

All those times, I stayed silent out of fear. I was always afraid of everything. The night scared me, sleep scared me, seeing doctors scared me, and being loved scared me. God, who wanted to love that? No one wanted someone as messed up as me.

But he told you he loved you. Nate knows you better than anyone. He knows your darkest fears.

My shirt was wet from Nate’s tears. He still sobbed. Why was he crying so much? The guilt just rolled off me. It was my fault for saying nothing. It was always my fault. I wasn’t good enough for him. He had no business loving me.

“Pl-please… say something,” he said through his hiccups.

I shut my eyes as my own tears spilled as I forced my mind to stay on target.

For once in my fucking life, I needed to be brave. I needed to do it for Nate, who was the bravest person I knew, always taking care of me. Now, it was my turn to be there for him. Would it mean losing him? Maybe. Loving each other could ruin our friendship, but after years of being together, I now realized that this had been inevitable. A secret like ours wasn’t meant to stay hidden. Love was meant to be shouted out across the urban landscape for the world to hear—words that no one cared about except us.

Nate sharing my fears somehow helped me feel a little less nervous. I needed to remember that. As I took a deep breath, my body started to calm down.

I rested my head on his shoulder and turned to face his neck as my fingers dug into his bony back, feeling so slight in my arms, yet he emitted so much strength. “I will never leave you, Nate. You’re my Polaris, my Northern Star. You’ve always been mine since the day we met, and we’ve been more than just friends. We’re family. There’s no changing that. Fuck, Nate… how could I not love you, too?”

There, I said it. Did I feel like I was about to vomit? Yes. Did I feel better admitting my feelings? No. But it was out there now. Only time would tell if this would end up destroying us or making us stronger. Right now, I could stand to use some strength. My reservoirs were low, but I did my best to dip into my nearly empty well to be brave enough for my bright star. To fight for him and to make him happy.

Nate let me go, sat up, and wiped his wet face full of tears and snot with the back of his hand and forearm.

“I know you love me… like a brother. That’s not what I—”

“I know what you meant. Shit, I didn’t mean it to sound like I love you like a brother, which I do, but it’s so fucking more than that. You’re… everything to me. Fucking everything. You’re my universe. I cannot survive without you. But…”

Nate grabbed my face when I looked away and brushed the tears from my face with his thumbs. “But what? Talk to me.”

“I’m not worthy of you. You bring so much to the table, and I bring not one fucking thing.”

His dark brows furrowed, and he gripped my face tighter, refusing to let me look away. “You don’t bring anything to the table? Are you fucking kidding me? You bring me happiness. You give me purpose. You give me a home. Meeting you was the first time I ever had a sense of home, realizing it’s not a place but a state of being. I’d never had that until you. You’re fun and kind when you have no right to be after everything.”

“But I’m so much work. God, Nate, if you weren’t in my life… I’m not sure I’d be here right now.”

Fuck, that was the first time I’d ever told him that or said the words out loud. He knew my need for him, but he had no idea how much. If he left me, I wouldn’t survive it. Fuck, that was one secret I should’ve kept. It was too much pressure. He would feel the need to stay when he didn’t want to. I couldn’t handle him staying, even if he hated me. Fuck. How would I know if he—

“What do you mean?”

I tried to move away, but Nate wouldn’t let me. “I shouldn’t have told you that.”

“What. Do. You. Mean, Sam?”

“Ugh… I’m not as happy as you think I am. All my mental health issues over the years have taken their toll on me. That conversion therapy… they break you, Nate. They make you feel worthless, like you’re nothing. Then they claim to build you back up through God and prayer, but it only makes you feel worse. I left there after four months like I was missing pieces of me, missing a part of my soul.”

“Fuck… Sam…”

“I… sometimes wonder if the world would be better off without me. No one would care if I was gone… except maybe for you. When you came into my life, you brought me so much happiness and love that I cling to life to keep you in it. See? I’m a fucking mess. Now that I’ve told you… you’re going to stay even if you don’t want to because you’ll feel guilty. I won’t know if you’re staying for me or out of obligation.”

Nate let me go and ran a hand through his thick curls. “Fuck me, Sam. I had no idea you had thoughts like that. I mean, I wondered, but you’d never said anything.”

“Please don’t make me see a doctor!” My voice was nearly shrill as my stomach grew nauseous. It was hard to breathe, and my mouth dried out. Suddenly, I couldn’t get air into my lungs.

Nate grabbed my face again and stared into my eyes. “Shh… you’re safe. Just breathe. Deep breaths.” My lungs suddenly hurt as I gasped. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, then another, as I tried to mimic him. “Hold it. 1… 2… 3… Now let it out.”

Once I felt calm enough to speak, I looked away, though he still held onto me. “See how much work I am?”

“Do you really believe I’d walk away from my best friend and someone I love because he struggles?”

I did believe that. It was so deeply ingrained in me, keeping my feelings for him tightly sealed. All those nights he held me, soothed me… I wanted to tell him the truth. When he held my hand or wrote me a sticky note and put it on the bathroom mirror, I was desperate to say something. Only my fears kept my words under lock and key. Even now, after telling me his feelings—

“Answer me,” he said gently.

“Don’t you ever get tired of my issues and getting me to remember so many things, sometimes? It’s not just that, but I blank out sometimes, trying to reach out for an elusive memory. One minute my mind is all over the fucking place, and the next there’s nothing. It doesn’t happen all the time, but I know my brain is completely messed up. I’m sure it’s because of them. I don’t think those assholes knew what they were doing when they zapped my brain, or maybe they didn’t give a shit.”

“That’s not your fault, Sam.”

“Don’t you get tired?” I insisted.

Nate sighed and nodded. “Sometimes. But I know enough that it’s a normal reaction. We all can get tired of each other sometimes. That doesn’t mean I’ll leave you and walk away… or love you any less.”

“You can’t know that.”

“No one knows the future, Sam. But I haven’t left you yet, have I? We lived on the streets for two damn years, and we took care of each other, not once leaving when it would’ve been easier to do so.”

Nate has been gone for hours. I huddle in our little tent under the overpass. The cars rolling over concrete are loud and constant, like tinnitus—so loud, so distracting. I try to read one of the two books I own to keep myself preoccupied and keep the fears away that he won’t come back. Instead, I block out my ears with my hands. It helps a little.

He promised. He promised.

Those words revolve around in my head in a loop because Nate always keeps his promises. But there will be a day he’ll grow tired of taking care of me. We live on the streets because I’m too much damn work. I couldn’t even do the right thing in foster care, getting hit for always forgetting to do my chores.

It’s fall, and the days are getting colder. Soon, we’ll need to find another place—a warmer place. The shelters take us in on really cold days, but we can’t stay there forever.

Right when I’m pulling the sleeping bag over my shoulders, the flap of our tent opens. I look up to find Nate with a massive smile on his face. He smells of cooked food and grease, reminding me of how hungry I am. My stomach growls loudly, making Nate laugh.

“Here,” he says and thrusts a styrofoam container at me. I open it to find a hamburger loaded with only lettuce, cheese, and no condiments, just the way I like it. On the side is a pile of salted fries. The smell of cooked meat hits me first, and I drool from hunger.

“Oh, god, that looks so good. Thank you.”

“It might be a little cold, but it’s still good.”

I take a bite of the burger, and my eyes roll up into my head, groaning. Fuck, that’s delicious. We don’t always have the luxury of eating fresh food. The shelters try, but the food isn’t the best. I usually force myself to stomach food I hate out of desperate hunger.

After I take another bite, I hand it to Nate so he can eat some. He shakes his head, still smiling, as he sits next to me on the other sleeping bag.

“I ate already. That’s all yours.”

“So, you found work?” I ask with my mouth full of fries.

“Yep, I found a decent restaurant that let me wash dishes for a few hours, then they fed me and let me have extra for you. The cook said he respected me for trying to work and not beg.”

Nate pulls off a worn tennis shoe and sock, then hands me a wad of cash. “It’s not tons, but it’s enough to buy food for a couple of days, and I got some quarters so we can wash our clothes. The cook said I can come back and work. They even have a locker room with a shower. Can you believe it? He said the next time I work, I can shower there. When I asked if you could shower, too, he said yes. He was so cool, Sam. We really lucked out.”

“The question is, what do we do now, Sam?” Nate asked, yanking me out of my memory.

He still sat on my lap and felt completely natural there, like he’d always belonged right in this spot.

“I’m afraid,” I admitted.

“Me, too. But what do you want? Tell me. Please.”

“I don’t just want it. I… need you to kiss me again.”

More than I need to breathe.

Nate didn’t hesitate for a second when he plunged his lips to mine, still holding my face. Nate was no longer my one true star, but a fucking galaxy as soon as his mouth pressed to mine.

His fingers dug gently into my cheeks as our mouths explored, keeping my focus entirely on Nate—his soapy and sleepy smell, his soft lips, the scruff on his face, the warmth from his skin. The kiss became fucking everything.

Things were a bit awkward and a little sloppy, with too much saliva, but I didn’t care. His lips also tasted salty from crying earlier. This was my first real kiss, not those kisses that Nate had apparently been stealing. My first and only love finally kissed me. It terrified me because I didn’t know where the road would take us. Yet this moment also freed me with promises for more. Nate belonged right here, like this, with me—my home.

I understood enough about kissing by watching people on TV, but the reality was so different with Nate. I had no idea a kiss affected my entire body, setting me on fire.

When we pulled away, we both panted for air. Nate’s full lips were swollen and glistening, the wetness reflecting the streetlights from the dirty window.

“Fuck… finally,” Nate whispered, his voice cracking. “I’ve spent years fantasizing about my first kiss… our first kiss.”

“I have, too… so many times.”

Nate smiled, gnawing on his bottom lip. “I love you. I want to tell you that all the time now. It’s so fucking… freeing, like I’ve been in prison all my life until now.”

“It’s scary, too.”

He nodded. “It is. You’re not alone in these feelings… but god, I want more now. I’m going to be fucking greedy.”

Now it was my turn to smile, and I chuckled, his words putting me at ease. I knew myself well enough to understand that things wouldn’t always be easy, but hell, I wanted to try to make this work. “I like the sound of that.”

What started as a massively inappropriate moment on my part ended up being the turning point of our friendship. No longer did I have to pine for Sam, wishing and hoping for more with him one day, but I always believed it would never happen and that my wish would always be out of reach. Yet it fucking happened, and that he felt the same way about me filled me with a sense of hope, calmness, and love… even more love than I had before.

But Sam wasn’t wrong. This was scary, too. If something happened between us, forcing us to part, it would be the end of me. Even worse were Sam’s suicidal ideations. That shit absolutely terrified me. I understood the context of his mental health. I knew things were bad, but not by how much. Fuck, I really wish he’d get help. I needed to find a way. Sam’s life depended on it. If I lost him, I wouldn’t be able to move on. A life without Sam wasn’t a life at all.

I lay down on the bed and pulled him down with me. “Stay with me.”

He curled on his side and wrapped his fingers in my curls, always needing to be soothed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I mean, I don’t want to sleep in separate beds anymore. Sleep with me every night. Maybe being here will help keep your nightmares away better.”

“Maybe. I’d… like that. It doesn’t make me look needy?”

“Sam, I asked you, not the other way around. Even if you’d asked, it wouldn’t look needy. We belong together like this. We always have.”

I scooted closer to him as he gripped my hair tighter, pulling my face to his. It was pretty bold for Sam, and I loved it. He was always so tentative and cautious, trying to be careful around others to mask his insecurities and struggles. But he amazed me whenever he pushed through that and showed a glimpse of all the possibilities. Maybe one day, with help.

My leg draped over his thigh, and my arm slung around to his back. I slipped my hand under his T-shirt, touching his warm and smooth skin. We both leaned our faces closer until our lips hovered only a breath away. Sam ended the distance between us and kissed me again.

God, my stomach never turned into knots so much in my life that it physically hurt me, but it was a good kind of pain, the exciting kind. They made my heart beat so fast, and I hoped the day never came when my stomach stopped fluttering for him.

What started out as awkward, being so new to kissing, soon grew to be more in sync as our mouths explored and tasted. I eventually got bold enough to slide my tongue into his mouth, and I groaned. My body was on fire for him as my heart raced so fast I could hear it in my ears. My brain tried to wrap around the idea that I was actually kissing Sam, that this was real and not one of my fantasies or a dream.

We were in an alternate universe—a universe where Sam and I had always been a couple in love. That we never pined after one another, getting the guts earlier on to tell each other how we felt. In this other world, we’d always been in love.

Despite the years we had potentially lost, we were together now, which was the most important thing. My stupidity put us on the trajectory to where we belonged, no longer living in parallel with each other, but finally converging.

As we got used to kissing and accepting the newness of it all after years of being together only as friends, we started to consume each other. Fingers dug into flesh, teeth nipped along the jawline, tongues swiped swollen lips, and hips thrust against each other with hard cocks desperate for friction.

It was late, but I didn’t care. We could do this all night and day, and it would never be enough.

“Nate…”

“Sam… my Sam…”

“Can I… touch you?”

He didn’t need to elaborate. I understood what he wanted, not only because I knew Sam so well, but also because I wanted the same thing—to explore Sam in all ways. “Yes,” I breathed on his lips.

His clammy, trembling hand slid down my stomach and into the band of my underwear. He wrapped his long, calloused fingers around my hard dick and held still as it pulsed in his hand. “God…” he groaned, burying his face in my neck as my head rested on his. If my body had been on fire before, now it was nuclear.

No one had ever touched me before, not like this. My entire body shuddered, and I broke out in a blanket of goosebumps. My balls and cock ached already, completely touched-starved. Quick and desperate hands in the shower weren’t nearly enough. His touch changed everything, and I knew right then I would need more and more, no longer satisfied with rushed fumblings in the shower for relief.

“Sam… please…” God, my voice was stupidly squeaky, but he had me too much under his spell to be embarrassed.

He heard my unspoken words and stroked me. It was rough and dry without lube, but I didn’t care. Sam was actually touching my dick.

“Am I doing it right?” he asked.

“So right…”

It was sloppy and out of sync, but that didn’t matter. We had all the time in the world to get it all right. Sam and I were both completely inexperienced sexually, which made it perfect because we would learn from each other and teach each other. No man had ever touched Sam this way, and no man had ever touched me until now. I loved that we would be all our firsts.

Sam’s hot breath on my neck made me sweat, but I didn’t dare move. I was so close already. Just the very thought of Sam stroking me was enough to quickly do me in.

“I can’t believe I’m holding your dick,” he rasped. “Fucking unreal.”

I could barely do anything more than nod, incapable of much else, as my balls drew into my body, heavy and ready to nut. My fingers dug into his biceps as I finally exploded all over Sam’s hand and the bed.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

“Holy shit, Nate. I made you come.”

I huffed a laugh, and the blood pounded into my ears as the wave of ecstasy crashed over me. My orgasm was the strongest I’d ever had, all because it was Sam who did it. My eyes grew heavy and watery as the emotions coursed through me, but I shoved them back with a shuddered breath.

I shifted my body to find his mouth and kiss the hell out of him. Our upper lips met with sweat and salt, but I didn’t give a shit. I felt whole for the first time in my life.

I reluctantly pulled away and sat up, yanking my shirt over my head and using it to clean up my cum from his hand. After tossing it on the floor, I lay back down and looked at Sam, my best friend and now my lover. A part of me wanted to cry in relief and let go of the pent-up desire and pining I’d held for him for so long.

“Can I touch you, too?”

“God… yes. Please touch me.”

Sam sat up and also removed his shirt before falling back into the bed. He lay on his back as my fingers mapped out his smooth skin, much lighter than mine. It looked like ivory with a touch of rose. His chest had a sprinkle of red hair, and while skinny like me, Sam had more defined muscles than I did. He didn’t quite have a six-pack, but I felt how tight he was.

I pressed my nose to his skin and inhaled all things Sam, but he had a new scent on him that I’d never smelled before. Arousal dominated my senses, and I took another deep breath of it. Jesus…

When I swiped my tongue over his nipple, Sam yelped and arched his back.

“Is that a bad or good sound?” I asked, unsure, since this was all so new to me.

“Good… so good, Nate. Fuck, I had no idea I’d be so sensitive.”

I continued to swirl my tongue over his nipple and moved on to the next as my free hand cupped his thick dick. I could tell just by touch he was larger than me. One day I would wrap my lips around it, but not tonight. Tonight was all about acceptance and tentative exploration.

My hand shook a little as I touched his body, inching my way down toward the end goal. Sam gasped as I eased into his underwear and held his length, pulling it out from his briefs. Fuck, he had such smooth and hot skin. He whimpered, mumbling something before I pulled my hand out, spit on it, and held him again, slowly stroking. The head was beaded with pre-cum, which I also used as lube, and as soon as my thumb brushed against his tip, Sam cried out and thrust into my hand.

“Oh, fuck, Nate… I need more. Please.”

“Am I doing it right?”

“Hell, yeah.”

I had an idea since I rub one out all the time, but I didn’t know if each of us was different or liked different things. All I could do was pay attention to Sam’s reactions and map out what I liked.

He produced enough pre-cum now that my hand glided across his taut and hot flesh. His cock grew heavier in my hand, and his fingers dug deeper into my back before Sam came, shooting his load all over my hand and on his abs. His eyes were slammed shut tight while his body froze with his mouth open. I continued to milk him until he had nothing left to give, and his body relaxed.

Holy shit. I did that to him. Yeah, he did it to me, too, but to watch Sam come undone because I gave him pleasure got me nearly hard again.

I dipped my finger into the splashes of cum on his skin and swiped up a bit. I looked at it before I ran my tongue over the tip of my finger, tasting his earthy and bitter flavor. It didn’t taste dissimilar to mine, and I’d tasted mine before out of curiosity.

Yeah, I wanted to swallow him down next time if he would let me, but I wanted to do it right. I guess I could ask Stix since he was in a relationship with Stone. He could help me do it right and make it good for Sam.

“Can I taste?”

“Fuck… Hell, yeah.”

I swiped up some more of his cum and dragged it across his lower lip, where he licked it off. “I’ve never tasted myself before.”

“What do you think?”

His smile was tired and crooked. “I’d rather taste you.”

“Next time.”

I grabbed my shirt off the floor and wiped us off again. Then I snuggled next to Sam, whose fingers landed back in my hair, twirling it as his breathing calmed down.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“More than okay.”

“Still afraid?”

“Fuck yeah, but I… don’t want to be.”

“Me neither. But I love that we can do this together, teaching each other. I especially love that no man has ever touched you but me until now.”

Sam stiffened and clung tighter to me, burying his face in my throat. “That’s not quite accurate.”

I also stiffened. “Wh-what do you mean?” I racked my brain, trying to recall if Sam had ever been with anyone or had an interest in anyone. My thoughts drifted to him taking his break at work, smoking in the alley, and having some asshole stroke him off. The jealousy that coursed through me unhindered and made my stomach burn. I had no right to be, but it was there, nonetheless. Sam hadn’t once mentioned being with anyone else.

“When I was… a kid. You know the gist of what happened to me during my time in conversion therapy, but… I was touched… down there... a lot. Sometimes the nurses would try to get me hard when porn wasn’t working. Other times, it was the male orderlies who tried to repulse me from a man touching me. I’m sorry I never told you, it’s just… it was humiliating.”

“What?” Oh god, Sam. It was so much worse than I’d imagined. No doubt other things had been done to him he still hadn’t spoken about. “Fuck… God, if I had been able to, I’d kill them all. They didn’t try to convert you to be straight, not that it works. They fucking groomed you in the name of conversion. They’re fucking liars and perverts. I’m so sorry, Sam. They didn’t do… other things to you?”

“No.”

“Thank fuck, not that what they did to you is any less horrible. Jesus.”

“You’re not disgusted or disappointed?”

“Are you kidding me right now? Never. That wasn’t your fault, Sam. And I’ll stick with loving that no one has ever touched you the way I have. Those perverts don’t count. They never count. It was against your will. Do you understand?”

He nodded and relaxed his body against mine. “Okay. I’ll try.”

We kissed for a while again before drifting off to sleep. At three in the morning, we were going to be tired, but if Sam had a quiet night, we could sleep in for a bit.

My mind drifted off, not to pleasure and comfort with Sam next to me, but to his pain and those who fucking hurt him.

I would’ve burned that entire building down if I had the power.

His story proved once again how strong and brave he was.

I’d texted Stix an hour ago, and he still hadn’t answered. So I headed to his house on my skateboard since he didn’t live too far away and crossed my fingers that he was home by the time I got there. I needed help and some answers, and I was too impatient to wait. I could talk to our other friends, but Stix and I talked the most about personal shit. I also didn’t want to talk about this with Sam. Well, I probably should, but I didn’t want to look like an idiot. Plus, I wanted to surprise him.

I reached their old townhome that Stix had recently purchased, which was in the middle of being painted, but it was coming along nicely. It wasn’t located in the nicest part of town, but it sure was better than the shitty old apartments he and Stone used to live in. Our apartment wasn’t much better.

Sam and I would probably never make enough money to buy something nice, but hell, at least we had a roof over our heads, and it was way better than living on the streets. I would never complain about our living situation. As long as Sam was in it, I would forever be happy. While I didn’t need to be rich, I wouldn’t snub my nose if I came into money either, but that would never happen.

When I stepped up to their door, which was stripped of paint, exposing raw wood, I knocked on it. Not long after, Stix’s mom answered the door with a smile on her face and white paint speckling her skin and hair.

She was the fucking nicest person I knew, always kind to Stix’s friends. She became like our adopted mom. And if we needed a female figure to talk to, we could talk to her without shame. We all adored her, along with Stix’s little sister, Nova, who’d recently turned six. And she was like our adopted sister. Stix had been taking her out skateboarding more, and we all helped out if we were around.

His Mom was still relatively young since she had Stix at a very young age. Her thick, brown hair was piled high on her head, and her dark brown eyes matched Stix’s.

“Hello, Nacho,” she said, instantly pulling me into a hug. “It’s good to see you, sweetie.”

“Hey, Ms. J. How’s it hanging?” I asked, hugging her back, trying not to pine over my lack of having a mother I could hug.

“It’s going well. Come on in.”

I stepped inside to chaos with the house in various states of repair. The place didn’t have much furniture since they weren’t exactly rolling in money either, but they’d been slowly working on fixing up the place, so there were home improvement supplies everywhere.

“Sorry about the mess. Since we’re doing the improvements ourselves and it’s expensive, it’s slow-going. At least I can get some things done while Nova isn’t here. That girl keeps me on my toes.”

I smiled and nodded. Nova was the sweetest kid I knew, but what did I know? I knew nothing about raising kids. “It looks great, and it’s going to be beautiful when you’re done. I’m so happy for you all and your new home.”

“Thank you, Nacho. So, what can I do for you?”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Uhm. Is Stix here?”

“No, he’s out at the skatepark with Nova and Ajax, but Stone is here. He just got home from working at the fish market about an hour ago. I’m sure he’s out of the shower by now.”

“Uh…” I guess I could talk to him, though he scared me a little. He was intimidating as hell, and I’d only seen him smile and melt for Stix, but no one else. Even then, his smiles were small. But I was impatient enough to talk to him. “Sure?”

She snorted a laugh. “He looks big and scary, and rarely smiles, but I promise you, he’s sweet and patient. You seem like you really need to talk to someone, and he’s available. Or you can talk to me.”

My face incinerated. “Yeah, no can do. Not about this.”

Her smile was kind and patient. “I understand. Just go on upstairs. Stone is in his room.”

“Thanks, Ms. J.”

I ran up the stairs and stopped in front of the closed door to Stix and Stone’s bedroom. With a deep breath and a tumbling stomach, I knocked. At least Stone wouldn’t laugh at me since he rarely laughed at anything. And he wasn’t the type to tease people, either. That was Stix’s job.

Stone quickly opened it, scanning me with hazel-green eyes without an expression on his face. God, he was so hard to read. His dark brown hair had grown out since we’d first met him, usually keeping it close to the scalp. His long bangs fell, still wet from his shower, dripping a little bit down the sides of his freshly shaven face and onto his gray T-shirt.

“Nacho?” he said.

It took all my strength not to back away slowly and leave. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. No, I wanted to do this for Sam.

“Hey… Uhm, can you talk?”

His brows twitched into a furrow. “Er… I guess. Sure.”

Stone stepped aside to let me in. The bedroom was more furnished than the rest of the house, with a queen-sized bed on a metal frame, two worn nightstands flanked on either side, and they had an old dresser that had seen better days.

I sat on the edge of the bed, covered in a dark gray comforter and white sheets. Stone sat stiffly next to me, his folded hands wedged between his thighs, focusing on the blank wall in front of him. Maybe he wasn’t so terrifying, but shy.

“Stix isn’t here,” he said.

“Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m talking to you.”

He said nothing, making me doubt my rationality of being here and talking to Stone, of all people. I could wait for Stix, but I needed someone to talk to, and I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow or whenever I saw him again.

“Ugh… here goes,” I mumbled. “I need help with a personal matter.”

He nodded, still not looking at me. “Okay.”

“I need help on how to give a blow job,” I blurted as my face burned again, and so did Stone’s as his stiff body stiffened even more. “You and Stix are the only ones in a relationship, and I’ve never… ugh, done it before.” I ran a hand through my curls. “Fuck, this is so embarrassing.”

Stone nodded again, but he looked at me, this time with a tiny up curve to his mouth. “It really is.”

“Can you help me or not?” I huffed.

He rubbed his face with his hands as if trying to erase the redness there. “Shit, Nico had to teach me. I knew nothing about being with a guy until him. He really is the best person to ask about these things. Plus, he’s more comfortable talking about it than I am.”

“Well, he’s not here, and I’m kind of desperate.”

“Can’t you look it up online?”

“I have, but it’s basic. I want an actual point of view from a person who’s done it. I also don’t read so well.”

“What about the person you’re about to… try it with? Can’t you ask him?”

I shook my head. “He’s as clueless as I am. We’re both… virgins. Yeah, most guys have done it by now, but it is what it is.”

Thank fuck Stone didn’t laugh. I didn’t want to date or have sex with anyone else, so being a virgin had been a choice. I think Sam did, too, now that we’d confessed our feelings.

When Stone said nothing, I said, “Please, man. I’ll take any advice you can give.”

Stone’s body sagged. “Fine… God.”

“Trust me, I’m as embarrassed as you are.”

“Why are you in such a hurry and can’t wait for Stix to get home… Well, he’ll be gone all day because he works tonight, except to drop Nova back at home, and then he’ll be off to work.”

“Because I want to do this tonight. I’ve waited fucking years for this day.”

Stone’s hazel-green eyes grew wide, and his brows rose to his hairline. “You’re talking about Pippin?”

I chewed my bottom lip, unable to contain my smile, and nodded. I didn’t want to admit that because Sam was so private, but Stone guessed it regardless. Hell, all our friends already knew how I felt about Sam. “You’re the first to know, so please don’t tell anyone… not yet. I want to do it with Sam’s approval.”

He ran a hand through his dark hair. “Fuck, Nico’s gonna explode in happiness. Then I’m going to have to clean up the gore.”

I snorted a laugh, but needed to be clear with Stone that he told no one, not even Stix. “Please don’t tell Stix yet. Let me. He’ll be pissed if I don't confess to him personally.”

“You got it.”

“Thanks, man. Now back to blow jobs. Any help you can give, I’ll be eternally grateful.”

“Ugh, okay… BJs.” Stone ran the palms of his hands over his jeans and didn’t look at me again. His face turned blotchy as he gave in to the inevitable embarrassment. “So, it’s not just the… dick you gotta… ugh. You gotta play with the balls and shit. Don’t just start sucking. You gotta lick around it like a popsicle or something, focusing on the most sensitive areas. Think of it as foreplay, like working up to the event. Also, try some… fuck… some rimming… you know…” He ran a hand through his hair, his face turning a brighter red as I was completely engrossed in his instructions while burning red myself.

“I know what rimming is.”

He expelled a loud breath. “Thank fuck… Okay, so you should know the most sensitive areas of the dick, which are the head and right underneath it. Just play around with it and see how Pippin reacts… if he’s the responsive type. Or you can ask him outright what he likes. I mean, Nico is notorious for making me use my words and talking about what I like and don’t like.”

I made mental notes, trying to imagine myself doing all that to Sam. My dick throbbed to life with fantasies of pleasing Sam with my mouth, but I tamed it, not wanting to get hard right now. Talk about humiliating. “Okay. What else?”

“I mean, you can just suck him down and see how deep you can go, but like… Nico, he plays with my nipples and shit, too. He focuses on my entire body before even trying to make me come. Once you start sucking his… dick, use your tongue, and if you can’t take him all the way into your mouth, use your hand at the base, stroking at the same time you’re sucking him… like rhythmically. You can play with the balls with your other hand, too.”

“Got it. This is good stuff, Stone.” I knew how blow jobs worked, but not to the extent Stone explained it. I didn’t want to go down on Sam and have his first time getting sucked down to be lame and boring, or even worse, being unable to make him come… Fucking mortifying.

“Honestly, he’s going to like whatever you do,” he said. “Is that it?”

“Yep, I think I’ve got a clearer picture. I appreciate it, man.”

His body sagged again. “Good… Fuck, please don’t make me talk about that ever again.”

I covered my mouth to stifle an embarrassed laugh because, despite how reluctant and embarrassed Stone was, he’d chosen to help me. He could’ve dumped me onto someone else, but he didn’t. His entire demeanor and reaction to this discussion endeared him to me, and I started to understand what Stix saw in him and why he was so drawn to Stone. For the first time, Stone didn’t make me so nervous to be around him, even with the humiliating subject matter.

We stood in awkward silence before I swallowed down my pride and pulled Stone into a hug, which wasn’t easy, being as huge and broad as he was. Stone went stiff, but he finally relaxed and gave me a bro pat on my back before quickly pulling away.

“Thanks so much, Stone. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, staring at his feet. “Sure. Uh, I would say anytime, but next time, just ask Nico. He’s way better at this shit than I am.”

“Actually, you’ve been an amazing help. I don’t feel like such a newb going into this.”

“You’re gonna be fine. We were all new at this at one point.”

That hit home for me. Maybe I was worrying about this too much. Stone was right. Sam would be just as unfamiliar as me about sex.

“Thanks again.”

I left quickly, not wanting Stone to feel any more awkward than he already was.

At least I was ready for tonight, as long as Sam was.

Nate moved fluidly around the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for dinner. It was cold outside, and we only had one radiator in the living room and in the bedrooms, but those didn’t reach our kitchen. Once he started cooking, things would warm up.

He wore his favorite pink hoodie and pale gray sweats. I loved when he wore pink. The color looked so good on his tawny skin and dark curls. I loved watching him move around even more. He always had an ease about him that calmed and comforted me. Nate’s butt was adorable, too. It was small, bubbly, and tight. While neither of us was built, we were still strong and taut from skateboarding. A lack of dietary nutrition kept us pretty thin, but we’d put on some good weight since getting off the streets.

Before we found home, if we were lucky, we tried not to miss events when a soup kitchen invited chefs to come together and cook homemade soups. I had tomato soup with garlic bread once, which became my favorite. But meals like that were rare and far between when we didn’t have a home. The worst part of living on the streets wasn’t only living with hunger but also being unclean.

Some people could be friendly and help you out with a couple of bucks, but mostly, they snubbed their noses at us as if they were better, not that we could help it. Nate and I did the best we could. And sometimes people could be cruel, kicking at us or spitting on us, as if we intentionally chose that life or were too lazy to work.

What made it even harder was staying away from cops. The last thing we needed was to get dragged back into the system, which would’ve separated Nate and me.

I stared at Nate’s black athletic socks with holes in the heels. He needed new ones.

We should go to the store to get more. Do I need socks? Probably. We could go sock shopping. Maybe that’s boring. Would Nate find it boring? Probably. We can get other things, though. What else do we need?

Nate turned and glanced at me with a sweet and shy smile on his face, bringing me back to the present with a flopping of my stomach before turning to look in our tiny pantry.

Everything had changed between us. All those smiles he used to give me meant something else now. I saw things I hadn’t noticed before, like hints of interest and touches of love.

Soothing music played in my ears as I sat creepily watching Nate from our tiny and scarred kitchen table that wobbled every time you moved. While it annoyed me sometimes, I was grateful every fucking day we had a rickety table with two chairs in an ancient kitchen where we could make food and eat. The food was cheap and basic, but Nate and I weren’t starving.

For two years, we had nothing other than a couple of sleeping bags, a tent, and backpacks crammed with some old, worn clothes. Now we had a roof over our heads, thanks to Alpha and his help setting us on the right path. Still, living on the streets had been better than being beaten in foster care or suffering in conversion therapy because I had Nate with me, making it less scary.

I didn’t think I could’ve done it alone or would’ve wanted to. Hell, I wouldn’t have been here at all if Nate hadn’t been in my life. I’d already been close to leaving this world. One more smack or choke would’ve pushed me over the edge had he not arrived on that fateful date.

When I returned home from conversion therapy, I pretended they’d ‘cured’ me. I was normal. I wasn’t gay. Hide, hide, hide. It was hard because I forgot so much. My mind was in a perpetual fog, making it hard to navigate through. Bits and pieces of my past life remained, but were fractured and mingled with my present. My memories after therapy were shattered shards of glass. You could see them, but you couldn’t tell what shape they used to hold. Broken pieces like me. Those people broke me, never to be whole again. Nate became my Super Glue.

My parents still hated me, or at least my brain told me that when they said the therapy hadn’t taken a good enough hold. They wanted to send me to another place. A better place. My parents explained it was more military-style based therapy.

So I ran.

I ran and ran until I couldn’t run anymore, with nothing other than the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. Eventually, the police picked me up and threw me into the system, believing I’d been left all alone. I never told them who my parents were, and I would rather have died than go back.

Did they ever look for me? Report me as missing? If so, social services or the police would’ve found my parents, right?

“Why are you failing physical education? Of all your classes, this should be an easy ‘A’ for you, Sampson. The rest of your grades are slipping down into ‘Cs.’ And you have a ‘D’ in language arts.” Dad’s voice is stern and angry. Always angry. I never made him happy. I sink deep within myself, saying nothing. “Your P.E. teacher said you just stand there half the time.”

I couldn’t remember what the teacher had wanted me to do or what he said. The fear was too strong. I hadn’t wanted to ask. The kids would laugh, and the teacher would be annoyed. If I just stood still and quiet, maybe he’d forget I even existed. I needed to make myself small. So very small. No one could see me and hurt me.

“Sampson!” I jump out of my skin when Dad slams his fist on the kitchen table. “No son of mine is going to be some fucking pansy. Your mother and I set you up for football camp to shape you up this summer.”

No football. Football hurt, and the boys are mean. The eighth-grade football players bully me all the time. I don’t want to go.

“How does that sound, Sampson?” Mom says, taking on a calmer tone. When I was younger, I used to lean into her softness, trusting her. No more. No more trust. It’s all gone. Only fear and being broken remained. My parents broke me. It’s why I’m failing school. That place broke my brain. I know this, but they don’t understand.

“Answer your mother,” Dad snaps.

My body jumps again, and my heart punches through my chest. Still, I say nothing. I’m too scared. No words are the right ones as they swirl in my head. I’m wrong—all wrong—always wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Dad sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose before looking at Mom. “Maybe the program we sent him to wasn’t enough. Doug from church recommended another program he’d heard about. It instills a military-type regime. Lord knows Sampson could use more structure.”

No, no, no… Don’t send me to another program. Please, no. I’d rather die. Instead of voicing my fears, I whimper like the broken, weak boy Dad believes me to be. I am. So weak. So small. So wrong.

“What’s that?” he says to me. “Speak up and use your words.”

“No.” My voice is too soft, but as the fear consumes me, so does my determination to run.

Run, run, run… Don’t let them take you away again. You’ll surely die.

“No!” I say again, louder.

“No? I think you’ll do as you’re told, young man.”

“No! You can’t make me go back… I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!”

I stand from my chair and bolt to the front door of our house before they can stop me and just run out into the summer night.

“Sampson! Get back here!” Mom yells after me.

No. Never again. I’d rather die. There are worse things than death.

I opened my eyes to the gentle hand on my cheek, finding Nate sitting across from me, concern filling his eyes. I removed my earbuds. “What’s up?”

“Where’d you go? I’ve been asking you about dinner.”

From now on, I wouldn’t be keeping it all in. I could lean on Nate. “I got lost in memories of when I left home… and all that fear.”

“What brought that on?”

I shrugged. “Who knows? I was just thinking about how grateful I was to have a roof over my head, a beat-up kitchen table, and you in my life… Then I sort of got lost in my past when I hadn’t been so grateful for anything because I couldn’t be.”

Nate’s smile was a black hole, pulling me in like gravity, which I had no control over, and I didn’t want the control. It was easy to let go of it all for him and be myself. He freed and protected me, doing his best to keep my fear away.

He leaned forward and pressed his soft and warm lips to mine. How did such a simple kiss feel like home? How did it erase all those memories that hurt so much and give me something so beautiful? There was no more fear behind his kiss. No more ‘what ifs.’

He placed his hand at the nape of my neck, pressing our foreheads together. “I’m so grateful to have you, too, Sam. I love you so much.”

Every time he said that, I wanted to cry, scream, and tell him I didn’t deserve it. But I also needed to hear those words, starved and thirsty for them. Once we told each other our truths and accepted our fears, it was easy to say those words back. “I love you, too.”

Nate’s smile was soft, and his dark eyes filled with understanding. “Do you want to talk about where your memories went?”

“I really don’t.”

I could tell him, but my past physically hurt. Instead of lecturing me about bottling my shit up, he kissed me again and stood. “I’m making nachos for dinner.”

I rolled my eyes as my smile stretched wide. “What else is new?”

“Hey, it’s the food of champions. Don’t poke fun. You knew what you were getting into with me.”

I chuckled, finally feeling at ease as my past vanished into nothingness, at least for now. “I did, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“I can make you grilled cheese, if you want. I’ve got canned green beans for veggies.”

“Sounds good. I’ll take the sandwich. Need some help?”

Nate craned his head to look back at me and winked as he piled tortilla chips onto a plate from the set we’d bought at a thrift store for five bucks. “I’m good. You can make us dinner tomorrow night.”

“Deal.”

After dinner, Nate and I curled up on the couch to watch a couple of sitcoms we liked that came on each week. He sat with his legs propped up on crates we’d turned into a coffee table as I lay down and rested my head in his lap. I completely got lost in his delicate fingers combing through my hair, unable to focus on the show.

It was something we hadn’t done before. Sure, we sat close to each other all the time, but not like this. While comforting, this was intimate. Nate wasn’t soothing me because I was fucked up or having a nightmare, but because he cared about me. He was the sweetest of all sweet desserts.

Relaxation and ease were gifts I never took for granted. It was so rare that I could lie here, being lovingly soothed without the need to do something. My mind still churned and moved, but it wasn’t too bad, focusing on how good it felt to have Nate’s fingers combing through my hair. He had me so relaxed, and I enjoyed my calmer mind. This reminded me of my meditation, but better.

My eyes grew heavy as that sense of safety and home filled me again. Not even my horrible past could affect me at the moment, as if Nate had a force field around us, protecting us from the horrors of life. The world could burn, and we’d always be in our protective little bubble.

“Sam?”

“Hmm?”

I rolled over onto my back to look up at him. His dark curls fell in his face, hiding his thick, black brows and almost covering those soulful eyes. I reached up and tucked away the stray curls behind his ears to see his beautiful face.

Nate glanced away at the TV and rubbed the back of his neck as his tanned skin pinked on his cheeks. “Uhm, can we take a shower tonight before bed instead of in the morning?”

My brows furrowed. “Uh, yeah. That’s cool. Why?”

“Because I want to take one… with you.”

I grinned as my face burned. God, we were really new at this sex shit, but I loved the awkwardness of it. It made it all feel real and meaningful. We didn’t dance around words or play games to get what we wanted, things I noticed people doing in the bar to get laid. I loved how Nate asked me outright like that. We’d stayed silent about our feelings long enough. Now, we didn’t have to hide anything.

“You want to fool around?” I asked.

He turned as red as I felt and nodded.

My stomach fluttered from nervousness and excitement. I had no idea what I was doing, but Nate and I would figure things out as we fumbled around and got it right. We weren’t the only people in the world to have sex or fool around. Everyone started somewhere, right?

But what if I was terrible at it and didn’t learn well enough? Would he grow bored with me trying and not getting it right? What if he realized he wanted something else? Something better? Maybe he’d figure out I wasn’t good enough for him and find someone else. Or what if I had flashes of bad memories while we messed around? God, what if I couldn’t do it at all? I didn’t have problems rubbing one out, but—

Nate continued to run his fingers through my hair in soothing strokes. He must have noticed me spiraling. “Shhh. I can see that amazing brain of yours working a million miles a minute. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I’m going to be bad at it.”

His smile turned broad and reassuring. I loved his little crooked teeth and his slight overbite. “I think we both have a lot to learn, and that’s okay. We can learn together, though I did ask Stone how to… God, this is so embarrassing. I asked him how to do a blow job.”

I sat up with a thumping heart. “You told him about us? I thought they’d only guessed about you liking me.”

“Shit… I’m sorry. He figured it out because our friends knew about my crush on you. Fuck, I should’ve told you… knowing how private you are. I just didn’t think about it. I wanted to suck you off and make sure you really enjoy it.”

“How did they see it when I didn’t even notice? If it was that obvious…”

Nate shrugged. “Probably because sometimes we don’t see what’s right in front of us. I didn’t see how you felt about me, either.”

My tense body relaxed. “That’s true.”

“You and I tiptoed around each other, careful with how much we showed of our true feelings.”

That made sense, actually. I was glad he said something before I fell down in my rabbit hole of failures from not noticing what was in front of my face. But should I have paid more attention to such things? As well as I knew Nate, I probably should’ve. Should he have seen how I felt, too? Did it matter? Our friends recognized Nate’s feelings, but what about me? No, Nate and I covered ourselves well around each other. He was right.

Trust. It was all about trust. He was honest with me, so I shouldn’t have felt completely inept at not recognizing the signs.

With a deep breath, bringing my focus back on him, I said, “Let’s get back to this fooling around in the shower?”

“I’ve been dying to have you, Sam… like, for years now.”

“God, same here.”

I sat up and lunged at Nate, smothering him in kisses along his face and mouth. While we quickly learned about kissing, it was still sloppy, but I didn’t give a shit. All our kisses were the most perfect in the world. Our tongues tasted, and our lips devoured. My hands fumbled blindly until I found the hem of his hoodie and T-shirt. I pulled away from Nate long enough to get them over his head before I straddled his lap and slammed my lips to his again.

Our breathing turned to panting, and my cock grew so hard it was trying to push through my sweats. When I looked down, Nate’s also tented his sweats. I may have drooled a little, dying to taste him. Fuck, I couldn’t wait to get my mouth on him.

By all rights, I should’ve been terrified to be with a man after being taught to hate my very being. Only Nate. The only thing I feared about Nate was him leaving me. Loving him felt as normal as breathing. No, not just breathing air, but breathing the freshest of air, air that cleansed not only your lungs but your soul. Like how I imagined it would be sitting on the top of the world on a mountain, away from all the people, noise, and pollution.

I mapped out his smooth, tawny skin with the palms of my hands. He had a smattering of chest hair, and you could feel his ribs. He was perfect. I’d seen him shirtless before, but now, for the first time, I got to really explore him unhindered. Maybe I could finally count all those cute moles and see if they were any tucked away in forbidden areas. For now, I leaned down and pressed my lips to a few moles on his chest and neck.

My dick ached, but I didn’t want to rush this. I wanted to remember every second with Nate, which wasn’t easy for someone like me. Maybe he would bring me enough love and joy to push back the dark clouds of my mind or to keep me at least focused long enough to give him pleasure and to receive it.

“Off,” Nate demanded, grabbing the hem of my long-sleeved T-shirt, pulling it over my head, and tossing it on the floor.

His hands, like mine, went instantly to my skin, touching me everywhere possible that wasn’t covered by fabric.

“You’re so beautiful, baby,” he breathed. I nearly gasped at the endearment. He’d never called me such a thing before, only calling me Sam, but I loved it. I felt wanted, needed, and loved. The word was simple but all-claiming. Nate was telling me I was his, that I belonged to him. “Let’s shower. I want to see how beautiful the rest of you is.”

I climbed off and gave him my hand with the eagerness of an excited puppy. He took it, and I lifted him to stand before leading us to the bathroom. Once we entered, we were all over each other, grappling at skin, as we devoured with our mouths. Nate stood on his tippy toes to reach me, digging his fingers into my biceps as I slid my hands down his back to his cute little ass.

We were getting so much better with this kissing thing, or at least, I thought so. My tongue swiped along his, twirling and tasting. Then he nibbled on my lip ring, gently tugging on it. My cock fucking ached, so I thrust against him, desperate for friction.

“I love this,” he rasped, tugging on my lip ring again.

“I was thinking about getting one for my nose.”

“Cute.”

Nate pulled back and swept his hands across my bare chest, gnawing on his bottom lip. “Fuck, I love touching you. I mean like this. We touch each other all the time, but I’ve never been able to really explore you. And what a fucking relief it is to get hard in front of you without completely humiliating myself. It feels natural now.”

“I can’t wait to discover all of you, too.”

“Can I touch you… there?”

I nodded and gasped when his hand landed on my dick, pressing his palm against it. My cock throbbed at the sensation. Fuck, if it was this good with him just touching me, I couldn’t imagine what blow jobs or sex would be like.

He looked up at me before he dropped to his knees. My dick pulsed, knowing what was coming before I did.

All day, I replayed what I wanted to do with Sam in my head. Still, my hands trembled a little as I eased down to my knees on the bathmat and dragged his sweats around his ankles with fumbling fingers as the shower got warm. Sam stepped out of them, and I was face-to-face with his swollen dick in his boxer briefs. I looked up at his wide green eyes, watching my every move, and I swallowed the nervous lump in my throat.

I shouldn’t be nervous at all. This was Sam, the man I’d known for nearly seven years. Regardless, the nerves filled my veins because I wanted this moment to be perfect for him. I wasn’t quite ready to jump into sex, as much as I wanted it, not tonight anyway. We needed to explore more of each other and learn about ourselves that we never dared before. Some men jumped right into it, but we weren’t like them. Sam had too much trauma, and I didn’t know what he could handle or not. So far, he seemed okay, especially if his hard cock was any indication.

Fuck, I wanted us to just suck each other off in the shower, but the hot water wouldn’t last long enough. At least this would get us in the mood, and we could explore our bodies. And after living on the streets, finding showers few and far between, we grew obsessed with being clean and showered every day. We never took for granted having clean water and a shower.

“I’m going to take off your underwear,” I said.

“Okay.” His voice was breathy as he nodded.

My fingers dug inside the waistband of his underwear as I pressed soft kisses along his red happy trail, taking a deep breath of him. While he smelled like our soap of lime and coconut, Sam had a distinct smell that belonged only to him, along with his new scent of arousal. I had his scent forever branded into my memory after years of holding him as he struggled with sleep.

I’d already touched his dick, stroking it, but I’d yet to see it up close and personal. As I tugged his underwear down, his cock bounced back from the waistband being pulled over it before settling. There was a slight curve to the left, and the head was plump and flushed red. He had more girth than I did, but it wasn’t so large that it would be uncomfortable should we have sex, or so I assumed. But what if he didn’t want to be inside me? Maybe he wanted me instead. We really needed to talk about these things.

His pretty dick had a couple of veins along the smooth flesh, and all was nestled in a bed of dark red curls. A bead of pre-cum formed as I looked at it.

“Fuck, Sam… You have a really gorgeous dick.” Not that I’d seen a lot of them. I may have glanced at a few on my phone.

He huffed a nervous laugh, but didn’t say anything.

As much as I wanted to start sucking him then and there, I stood and tested the water, which was now hot. After I removed my clothes, I took his hand, led us into the tub, and turned Sam to face the spray of water. He dunked his head under it as I grabbed the body wash, squirted some into my hands, and lathered it. His flesh was tight under my shaking palms as I ran them over his beautiful back, and as I inched toward his pert ass, my heart rate kicked up several notches, and my stomach fluttered more than it already was.

Before I reached his ass, I ran my hands along his sides and to his pits, wiggling my fingers and making him laugh. Sam was ticklish, and doing this was an attempt to put us both at ease.

“You’re a big tease, Nathaniel Lamont.”

I snorted a laugh as he rested a hand on the cracked tiles, letting me continue to explore his body.

“You’re so beautiful, Sam. How had I not seen you in all your glory before?” We’d always been modest with each other, careful to glance away whenever we got undressed. As much as I would’ve loved to have seen him naked before, I didn’t need anything else to prove what I couldn’t have, but it was also out of respect for Sam.

Before I got lost in ‘what ifs,’ I moved my hand down, down, down to his ass, sliding over one of his cheeks. I pressed my body against him, needing more of him as I slipped my finger between his crease, pulling out a whimper from him. As I grazed over his hole, he shuddered and pushed his ass out into me. I kissed along his wet back as I got used to touching my Sam. My Sam. The idea was hard to get used to.

“I love you so much, baby,” I said. The emotions tried to take over my arousal and started to grow overwhelming. I wanted to explode from years of pent-up love, desire, and need, but I couldn’t. It would ruin the moment, and I wanted tonight to be perfect.

Sam turned around, grabbed my face, and pulled me into a kiss. I groaned into his mouth from feeling our cocks rubbing against each other.

“I fucking love you,” he said over my lips.

Tingles and goosebumps traveled along my skin from his heartfelt and determined words, which left no doubt of his feelings for me.

He reached around me, grabbed the body wash, lathered his hands as I’d done, and soaped up my body. “I still can’t believe we’re here, touching each other like this. It’s fucking surreal, Nate. Sometimes I question if it’s even real or just another fantasy of mine.”

“God, I’m the same way.” I grabbed Sam’s hand and placed it on my chest so he knew how hard my heart was hammering for him. “My heart punching through my chest is for you.” He smiled and leaned down to give me a slow and languid kiss, as if tasting each other for the first time.

I didn’t know if other couples felt this way when they first got together, but I understood enough that years of wanting someone could leave you conflicted about the reality of the situation while the need for more consumed your senses. But I wanted intimacy, not only the sex. I loved holding Sam next to me. All those years I’d comforted him, I pretended he belonged to me, and I belonged to him, that my arms wrapped around him was my way of claiming him. But the last thing Sam needed was just to fuck around with me. He’d been through so much and was told sex with a man was evil and disgusting. He needed to understand that with sex, there could be love and tenderness, too.

“Let’s get out. I need more, baby… so much more,” I said.

“Me too. My cock is about to explode if it doesn’t get some relief soon.”

I laughed at his words and my internal thoughts about intimacy. Sam seemed perfectly fine and accepting of being with a man. My worries that he wouldn’t want just to mess around left me as we dried each other off.

We dropped our wet towels on the floor as we rushed back to his bedroom and fell onto his bed, groping and kissing each other senselessly and breathlessly, making up for lost years.

My dick grew achingly hard and throbbed, but I needed to be patient. I wanted Sam to go first.

I sat up, grabbed his wrists, and pushed him onto his back. After a quick kiss on his lips, I let him go and worked my way down his body with my mouth. When I reached one of his nipples, I took the tiny bud between my teeth and tugged, remembering what Stone had said. It wasn’t only about giving Sam a blow job. I wanted to build up the need, but I had to pay attention to his reactions, as Stone had explained. I recalled Sam loving the attention I’d given his nipples the last time, so I focused on them, nipping and licking them. He groaned and thrust his cock into me as his hands reached for my hair, tangling his fingers in my curls.

“Do you like that?” I asked, just in case. Stone also told me to talk and ask about Sam’s likes and needs.

“Fuck yeah… I need more, Star.”

Star? Where’d that come from? Then I remembered him saying I was his northern star, his Polaris. I smiled at the endearment, feeling even more special to him. I think I’d always been special to him, but this sealed the deal.

I worked my way down his stomach, more than eager to reach his cock, desperate to please him.

As Sam grew more vocal, so did my confidence.

Finally, I’d reached my destination. His cock was angry-red at this point and leaking everywhere. I licked my lips and drooled at the sight.

“Nate… please. I’m dying here.”

“I’ve got you.”

Without waiting for another beat, I swiped my tongue along his hard length. Sam cried out and arched his back for more, encouraging me to keep going. I recalled my lesson from Stone and did my best to please Sam, running my tongue over and around his length and teasing his tip. He tasted salty and earthy. I wanted more. So much more.

Sitting up on my knees, I grabbed the base of his dick and bent over, meeting his green eyes, blown to black. His fisted hands strangled the sheets, and his eyes rolled up into his head when I took his dick into my mouth. I couldn’t go very deep, but I was sure it wouldn’t matter. I needed to practice more, anyway, trying to be realistic that the first time I did this wouldn’t be mind-blowing.

His fisted hands let go of the sheets and headed straight for my hair as Sam whimpered and groaned. Fuck, I loved his little noises. I had no idea he’d be this responsive, and I relished every bit of it.

“God, you’re really doing it. This is real, right?”

I moaned around him in response and bobbed my head, pushing him deeper into my mouth each time. At one point, Sam thrust into my throat, and I gagged, needing to pop off.

Shit, there was so much saliva, and it dripped everywhere. I used it as lube and stroked his dick as I continued to suck him. It was hard to remember to use my tongue as I did, but I tried.

“Fuck, Star… so good. So good. More.”

While I felt inadequate at the job I was doing, his words made me preen with confidence. Even if it was awkward and messy, and I could barely get half of him down my throat, his words were motivating and kept me going.

Damn, I needed to focus on other areas and not just his cock. When I popped off him again, he cried out, making me chuckle.

“Don’t worry, you’ll finish, but not yet. I don’t want this to be over yet.”

“Nate! No…” he whined.

I grabbed the backs of his thighs and pushed them back, exposing his pink hole that moved open and closed as if sensing what I was about to do. The skin there glistened, covered in my spit. One day my cock would be in there, but not today.

I leaned down, pressing kisses on the backs of his legs, before I took one of his balls into my mouth and suckled it, rolling it along my tongue.

“Fuck… yes.”

After sucking on his balls for a while, I kissed and licked my way down his taint and to his hole. Without hesitation, I swiped the tip of my tongue in a swirl over the tight ring of muscle.

Sam had been so vocal with his words and cute noises the entire time, but now his groan turned guttural and needy.

“Oh, my god… god… fuck. Holy hell…”

His hands worked their way into my hair again and tugged at the strands as he spread his legs, opening up for me. Soon, the muscle became loose enough so that I could insert the tip of my tongue inside.

I thrived on his whimpers and moans. Sam completely opened up to me, inside and out, and solely focused.

As much as I wanted to linger, he needed relief, so I set his legs back down on the bed and attacked his dick again. It was so hot in my mouth and hand, throbbing and leaking. I loved his flavor and couldn’t wait to swallow his cum.

With one hand fisting his length and the other cupping his balls, it didn’t take Sam long to cum. He tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t stop until he was finished. I needed to have all of him. There was a lot of cum, and I tried to swallow all of it, but some dribbled out of my mouth.

I sat up on my knees and wiped my face with the back of my hand as I watched Sam looking fucking gorgeous, lying there unmoving and breathing hard with a crooked, stupid grin on his face, which pulled out my own smile. I did that to him. It made me feel strangely proud and powerful that I turned him into sex-drugged mush, even with my lack of experience.

Finally.

I finally got to have my Sam as I had imagined him in my fantasies. Hell, it was even better than my fantasies, and not only because this was real. There was just no way to imagine all of Sam’s reactions.

“I think you’ve killed me.”

I snorted a laugh and lay down next to him.

“You seem alive to me. Very much so.”

“Give me a second. I need time to feel muscles again.”

I kissed one of his nipples. “Are you okay?” Yes, he came and enjoyed it, but I worried about digressing thoughts when he started to recover.

“I couldn’t feel more fucking perfect.”

That really just happened.

Nate sucked me off, and it was better than anything I could’ve imagined, and I’d imagined it all the time. My fantasies were a joke in comparison. He tried so hard to please me, and I fucking loved him for it. And god, he’d licked my ass. That was so hot, and I nearly nutted right then.

I lay there in bed with a completely numb and satiated body, and my mind was calm for now, focused on Nate, my star. He was curled up in my arms, dragging gentle fingers along my bare chest, his hard dick pressed up against me. I needed to take care of that in a minute.

My mind flashed to all my fantasies of me on my knees as he towered above me, fisting my hair as he fucked my face. Would Nate be into that? He was so gentle and sweet, caring about all my needs. Could I ask him? Shit, my face burned at the thought, but I wanted to do to him what he did to me. I needed to taste him, to please him.

Sadness suddenly crashed over me like a storming ocean wave from the years lost when we could’ve had each other sooner. I’d been too quiet, too scared. I thought it would’ve been easier to stay silent, but now that I’ve had a little taste of Nate and that he wanted me, too, my reaction and hesitance had been such a waste—all those things I’d missed—his love, his touch, his kisses…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

If I had only reached out to him sooner. God, I was an idiot. I hadn’t reached out to him. It took Nate secretly kissing me and him telling me about his feelings to finally get me to admit mine. Shit, if he hadn’t done that, I’d still be in that rut, wishing and wanting but never having.

What if he hadn’t kissed me? What if we’d lived the rest of our lives never knowing?

“Sam…”

“Huh?”

Nate touched my face, pulling me to look at him with gentle fingers. They were always gentle. I was obsessed with Nate’s fingers. They represented so much power in their tenderness. I didn’t like other fingers. Just his.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

His brows furrowed as I pulled away from him and hovered over his body. “I’m not okay because you’re still hard.”

Nate’s concerned face morphed into a massive smile. “My guy is aching pretty good right now.”

“Let’s fix that, then. I’ll make it all better for you, Star.”

“I won’t say no.”

Nate fell onto his back, tucked his hands behind his head, and spread his legs. So bold and confident. His cock was uncut and darker than the rest of his skin, as if to draw my attention to it. I loved how he opened up so easily to me. I hadn’t been like that when he went down on me. My body had been tight, and I trembled from nerves, but I wanted him so much my body literally ached for him.

“Can I do it with you standing?”

He sat up and nodded. “Sure. Where do you want me?”

I pointed in front of the bed. “Just there.”

When Nate stood as directed, he waited patiently for me to let him know what I wanted. He was always patient. Nate never yelled, got mad, rolled his eyes, told me how annoying I was because I forgot shit all the time, or from being so insecure that I needed constant reassurance—

Nate grabbed my hand, pulled me to stand from the bed, and kissed me like he could tell when my mind drifted, trying to float away to another destination.

“Now what, baby?” he asked.

I slowly fell to my knees, the stitches now gone and barely a bruise on my kneecap anymore, and looked up at my shining star, the love of my life, my everything. “This is how I always imagined it, with me being on my knees for you, worshiping your cock.”

Nate’s breath hitched, and his hand went to my hair, taking a handful of it. Yes, this was what I wanted. How easily he read and understood me. “You mean like this? Me controlling you?”

“Please…”

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Sam.”

“Neither do I. I just… need you to make me please you.”

While still gripping my hair, Nate grazed a finger over my bottom lip with his free hand, leaving behind a trail of electric tingles. “I’ll try my best, then.”

My stomach dipped, and my heart raced as I waited for his instructions. Nate always led the way, and I was confident he could do this, too. I needed it, and it had always been this way in my fantasies.

“Open your mouth for me, baby.”

When I did as instructed, Nate pulled my head back by my hair, grabbed his dick, pulled back the foreskin, and eased it into my eager and awaiting mouth. Despite trying to take control, he was gentle with me, careful not to choke me, but I needed more. Only the tip entered my mouth, but I still tasted his bitterness leaking from him with promises for more.

“Keep your hands in your lap,” he instructed.

My hands folded onto my thighs, but because Nate was too tentative with my mouth, I leaned forward and eased his dick in further, never taking my eyes off him.

He raised a brow. “Who said you could do that?”

My body shuddered and burned with his playful disapproval. Now he was getting it.

Control me. Tell me what to do. Keep me focused.

“In your fantasies, do I talk dirty to you?”

I nodded with my mouth full of dick. His dick. Nate’s dick. The reality of the moment suddenly hit me that I was on my knees for my best friend with his cock in my mouth. Only in dreams had this been possible. My spent dick tried to flutter back to life. It wouldn’t take much to get hard again.

I whined when he pulled out. “Use your words.”

“Tell me all that I need to do, Star.” I swallowed my embarrassment as my face heated. “Tell me how to please you.”

He nodded and touched my lips with the head of his dick. I opened up again, and he eased it in. It was so hot on my tongue and so hard. Slowly, he pulled out and pushed back in. Yes, this was what I wanted, but more. So much more.

“You want more, baby?”

I nodded and grunted around him.

He eased himself deep inside until I nearly had all of him in my mouth. Nate’s eyes widened. “Fuck me. Look how deeply you take me, and you’re not even gagging. Jesus, baby.”

I sat up straighter, feeling proud to please him. It was the least I could do for all he did for me.

Nate thrust faster into my mouth, making me drool everywhere. Saliva dripped down my chin, jaw, and along my throat, but I didn’t care. My star was turned on, and I was pleased with myself.

“Use your tongue, especially around the head. You know what you like. Do that to me.”

My tongue moved around, exploring his length, and whenever Nate groaned and shuttered his eyes, I did it again and again.

“What an amazing mouth you have, baby.”

Suddenly, Nate hissed. “Careful with the teeth, though.”

I tightened my mouth around him, not wanting to hurt him as he moved faster.

His head was thrown back, and his eyes were closed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck… I had no idea it would feel this good,” he moaned before looking back down at me. Nate panted, a sheen of sweat glistening on his face, and his full, swollen lips were parted. He gently touched my face while yanking my hair tighter. The two sensations were confusing, yet they made perfect sense. “This mouth was made to blow me. You feel so good wrapped around me.”

I ate up his praise, needing to hear it. I wanted to please him more than I needed to breathe.

“You can use your hands now. Touch me, stroke me, whatever you want, baby.”

I didn’t hesitate to cup his balls, kneading and rolling them gently as he fucked my face while my other hand touched the smooth skin along his ass. But as soon as my fingers grazed his hole, Nate froze, yanking my hair painfully, and I didn’t stop him as he filled my mouth with his cum. I hadn’t expected the rush of it, but I did my best to drink him all down.

“Oh god… Sam. My Sam.”

Suddenly, he let go, pulled out of my mouth, and dropped to his knees in front of me, resting his head on my shoulder and panting. I pulled him closer to me and held him, enjoying his flavor on my tongue and strangely proud of myself for making Nate come and having him cry out for me as he did.

He wrapped his arms around me so tightly that his heart beat hard against my chest, keeping my attention solely on Nate and his body. Once he started to calm down, he pressed sweaty and gentle kisses along my shoulder, moving up along my throat to my lips. We stayed like that for who knew how long before he stood, helped me up, and led us back into my bed.

We became a mess of tangled limbs, trying to get as close to each other as possible. My fingers twirled in his still-damp curls as his fingers traveled along my back in soothing motions.

“God, I want more of that, Sam. So much more. That was perfect. You were perfect.”

I hadn’t realized I’d been tense, worried about his reaction afterward, flooded with questions and insecurities about how I did sexually, if I was good enough, or if he found it weird to have him control me. Maybe Nate didn’t want to control the sex since he was in charge of everything else. Maybe he wanted a break from everything and not to think so much. What if he got tired of me? God, the last thing I wanted was for him to grow bored. But my taking charge seemed daunting. Would I be able to focus enough to do it?

A soft kiss on my lips pulled me back into the moment. “Was that okay?” Nate asked.

“So perfect and better than I’d ever imagined.”

“It was perfect. Not bad for a couple of first-timers.”

I snorted a laugh. “The awkwardness wasn’t even off-putting, like we were in this together, so it wasn’t so bad.”

“Exactly!”

Nate nuzzled his face closer to my chest. “So, do you like S&M or something?”

Did I? No, I didn’t want to hurt for pleasure. “Not really. I just like you telling me what to do and taking control. If you’re weirded out, we don’t have to do it.”

Nate adjusted himself so he could look at me, resting his head on one of my pillows. “I found it kind of hot, though I had no idea what I was doing.”

“You did amazingly.”

“What about sex?” he asked.

“What about it?”

“Do you want to try it, and if so, do you want to fuck me or me fuck you? Or maybe we both share in that experience.”

In all my fantasies, it had been Nate fucking me. But now that I’d had a taste of him, I wouldn’t mind being inside him either, though I think I would prefer he was inside me. “I might like both. It all depends on how it makes us feel during that time, I guess, but I think I would like you to do it more, not that I know what sex is like at all.”

He smiled and nuzzled back into me. “I like that idea.” After taking a deep breath of me, he sighed. “I had no idea sex had a smell. You smell so fucking good. Yummy, even.”

Now that he’d mentioned it, I noticed it, too.

I yawned as my eyes drooped. I’d never been more content and relaxed.

“I’ll ask Stix about the sex stuff,” Nate said.

“Mmm, don’t. Let’s figure it out together.”

He yawned, too. “Okay.”

Nate sat at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal and making a list of something. He looked cute in his oversized pink hoodie with the hood covering his head. A poof of dark curls spilled over his forehead as he bent over writing. It was pretty cold in here today, so I also wore a hoodie and thick socks, one of the few without holes.

“Morning,” I said.

He looked up and smiled, making my heart flutter. I loved seeing him smiling, but now that we’d had some sexual fun, his smile seemed different somehow, like it was filled with knowing or showing a secret only we shared. “Hey.”

I stepped up to the coffee maker, grabbed a mug, and poured myself a cup of coffee before filling it up with milk and too much sugar. Then, I sat at the table with him.

“What are you doing?”

“Making a grocery list,” he said, opening up an envelope and going through the coupons he’d saved. “We’re out of most things, and we have nothing for dinner other than cereal and one box of macaroni and cheese. I’ll have to get it done quickly because I need to be at Alpha’s in a few hours to go over some extra training for waiting tables.”

“Let me do it.” I sucked at grocery shopping. I tended to buy things we didn’t need because I wanted them or bought too many of one thing because I’d forgotten I’d bought it already.

While I made more money than Nate did through tips, and money coming in wasn’t too bad, we went through it like water between rent, utilities, Wi-Fi, phones, food, and other necessities. And we had a two-bedroom apartment, which really increased our rent.

I wanted to contribute. Nate did everything. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. We cleaned the apartment together, paid bills together, and generally grocery shopped together. But I didn’t really do anything by myself unless it was bartending. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do them, although I sucked at cleaning since I easily got diverted to something else, but Nate said those were things we should do together, anyway. To be fair, I’d forgotten to pay bills before, too. Once we got a warning about our electricity being turned off because I could’ve sworn I’d paid the bill when I hadn’t.

With a grocery list and the coupons in my hand, I knew I could do this for him.

“You sure?” he asked.

“Sam?”

I must have had one of my blank moments because I stood there looking at Nate with concern in his eyes.

“Huh?”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“Yes, I’m sure. I want to help. You go see Alpha, and I’ll take care of the groceries.”

“Thanks, baby. I appreciate this. I was worried about whether I would finish on time and not be late to Alpha’s.”

I leaned in, and Nate leaned in with me, wearing a smirk on his face. Then I kissed his lips, which were sweet from his cereal. “I got this.”

“I know you do.” He sat up and slid the note to me. “Here’s everything we need, and I’ve sorted out the coupons to match the list. Just pay for everything on our debit card. We don’t need anything extra beyond what’s on the list, but if you want to buy something like cookies, go for it.”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay, I’m off to take a shower. Call me if you have any questions about the list.”

“I will.”

“And don’t forget your earbuds.”

I smiled. “I won’t.”

“But if you get too stressed or the store is too crowded, just come home, and I’ll deal with it later and figure something out.”

I stood and pecked his lips with mine to shut him up. “I’ve got it.”

His smile was meekish. “I’m sorry. I know you do.”

I slowly pushed the shopping cart down the aisles, looking at everything. There were so many good things on sale that I wanted to dump into the cart, so I had to double-check to see if the product was on Nate’s list or not. It never was. I deflated in disappointment as I passed the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that had a dollar-off coupon.

But then I stopped before moving on. Nate had said I could grab a treat for myself, right? With a burst of renewed energy, I grabbed three plastic containers full of cookies. Since they were on sale, grabbing several should be okay, right?

When I got to the shampoo and soap aisle, I stopped in front of the body wash. The one that we used was on sale, too. It smelled so fucking good on Nate. I grabbed the bottle that read ‘Lime & Coconut,’ popped the lid, and inhaled the scent, bringing me back to when we’d fooled around after our shower. This scent, mixed with his arousing smell, turned me the hell on. Yes, we needed more of this, especially since it was on sale. We were probably running out anyway, despite body wash not being on the list. Maybe Nate forgot to write it down.

By the time I finished shopping, the cashier rang up all my goods as I packed them up in the three canvas bags I’d brought. They’d filled up fast, so I had to use some plastic bags to carry the rest.

It was hard to skateboard home with all I had to carry, so I tossed my board into my backpack and walked home, which took longer, and the shit was heavy, making my shoulders and arms ache, but I’d finally made it.

After unpacking everything and putting it away, I made myself a sandwich and had some of those yummy cookies I’d bought on sale. They were my reward for remembering to put the groceries away. I’d nearly forgotten.

Since I had to work tonight and would be up really late, I took a nap.

When I woke up before I had to get ready for work, I found Nate going through the groceries I’d bought. He heard me approach, turned, and smiled at me, which made my heart flutter. I had no idea why his smile always did that to me. There was love in that smile, but so many people frowned at me or got irritated, so smiles always made me feel like I was doing something right.

“Hey, thanks so much for shopping today, baby.”

“No problem.”

He pulled out the three containers of cookies and raised his brow at me with a crooked smile. “Do you really need this many cookies?”

“They were on sale, and they’re my favorite.”

He huffed a laugh. “Fair enough. Did you get everything on the list?”

“I think so.” I dug into the pocket of my jacket, hanging up in the hall, and pulled out the receipt and… fuck. The envelope with the coupons was still in my pocket. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Nate. I forgot the coupons.”

The sense of failure hit me. I’d fucked up again. Why couldn’t I get anything right?

He took the proffered receipt and coupons from me, shrugging. “It’s fine. We’ll use them next time. They should still be good.”

But when he read over the receipt, he frowned and rubbed the back of his neck. “Shit. I… Nevermind. It’s all good.” He looked back at me and smiled again, but it was strained. It wasn’t a smile my Nate usually gave me. This one told me I’d definitely fucked up more than the coupons.

“No, never mind. What? Tell me. I did something wrong, didn’t I?”

“It’s…” He sighed and stared at his feet. “You spent fifty bucks more than was in the budget.”

“What?” My heart accelerated as the first threads of panic set, and I started to pace the small kitchen, but Nate stopped me by pressing his hands to my shoulders.

“It’s fine. I’ll… figure things out.”

My stomach sank as I sat down in the kitchen chair, staring at my feet. All I wanted to do was help my star, and I screwed everything up. I always messed things up. “I’m so sorry, Nate… I…”

“Sam, it’s fine. You got everything we needed on the list. You did exactly what I asked you to do, and I said you could grab yourself something.”

“I spent too much money.”

“If we make enough tips tonight, we’ll put it into the bank in the morning, and hopefully, we won’t end up with an overdraft. We’ll be okay.”

My hands fidgeted in my lap as the sense of failure suffocated me. How could Nate not be angry with me? We didn’t have that kind of money to spend, and I just bought whatever I wanted, not paying attention to what I’d spent. Just because something was on sale didn’t mean we could afford it. I needed to remember that.

Nate squatted in front of me to get my attention, wearing one of his crooked smiles, as if that would make me feel better. “Did we really need six bottles of body wash?”

My face burned, and I shrugged. “I like the way it smells on you, and it was on sale; buy two, get one free.”

His smile broadened. “So you were thinking about me when you bought them?”

I chewed on my lip ring and nodded.

“You’re so sweet, baby.”

But I wasn’t having it. He couldn’t make me believe for one second he wasn’t upset. Now, we’d have to scramble to make money before our bank started charging us fees.

“How can you make light of this? I’m a fucking failure. I can’t do anything right!”

“Stop it, Sam!” Nate, snapping at me, yanked my attention back to him because he never snapped at me. “This isn’t the fucking end of the world. It’s a small thing in the grand scheme of life. It doesn’t make you a failure, and you’re amazing at so many things like skateboarding, bartending, giving blow jobs…” I struggled to hide my smile. “Not everyone is good at grocery shopping. Hell, I’ve forgotten to use the coupons I cut out before, too. This is fixable.”

I wanted to believe him. He was my star, and he wouldn’t lie to me about this, right? But I couldn’t help the feelings of inadequacy. It was like I couldn’t do basic grown-up shit.

Nate took my hands and met my eyes again. “You helped me out so much today. So, you spent more than I expected. It is what it is, and that is not a failure on your part. We’ll figure this out. I promise.” He squeezed my hands and shook his head when I was about to open my mouth to argue. “You are an amazing soul, Sam. Are you perfect? Nope. Neither am I. It’s not fair to put so much on ourselves when we all make mistakes. It was my fault for not telling you about our budget. I forgot. That’s all on me. Okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed, but I was still filled with doubt.

“Now, let’s have a quick dinner and get ready for work. You’re going to have an amazing night. You always make tons of money in tips on Friday nights, and you always have so much fun.”

That finally pulled a smile from me. “It is fun.”

Nate was still on his knees when he reached up and pulled me down for a kiss that was much too quick before kissing my forehead. “I love you so much. No more worries.”

I nodded. “I love you, too.”

I paced back and forth in my bedroom as we got ready for work, feeling the stress of our finances weighing on me. Sam did great making money as a bartender. In fact, he made a lot more than I did, so I didn’t fault him for spending his own money. He had every right to.

He worked only three nights a week, sometimes four. Anything more than that was too much for him. He made enough to cover rent and utilities, and whatever I made went toward food and other necessities. It was the most money we’d ever made in our lives, but we also had a lot more responsibility and bills. We had no such responsibilities living on the streets other than keeping ourselves fed. Regardless, the bills were worth it to have shelter over our heads.

Sam spending too much at the store wasn’t his fault. I should’ve told him our budget, and I’d forgotten. He’d been so sweet to take the shopping burden off me, and I tried not to control every aspect of his life. But I did that too often, which was why when he offered to help, I took him up on it.

It was a weird balance between doing everything for him, not because he needed it, but because I wanted him happy. If he was happy, he wouldn’t ever leave me.

Sam was good at so many things, but he sometimes got lost when shopping. And I didn’t know why he needed to buy so many things we already had.

When we first got our phones and internet for the first time, I looked up ADHD and shit, but I didn’t understand things like dopamine or half of what they said. I never made it to the tenth grade, and my reading ability was basic at best. Sure, Sam and I got our GEDs, but we had to study our asses off. So, when I read about brain shit, my mind just got all confused, and I blanked out on all the complicated words.

Regardless, I needed to get a second job. The extra work at Alpha’s would help, but it wouldn’t be enough. Sam and I didn’t need to be rich, but it would be nice not to worry if we would have food on the table the following week or electricity. It would also give us a buffer if Sam wanted to spend some extra money.

Tomorrow, I’d go out and look. I hated to have that time taken away from me, but I had no other choice. Sam made more than me, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to work more. I was the one who had to take up the slack.

But this money problem was a reason why being with Sam could take its toll on me. I loved him and would change nothing, but I got tired sometimes, needing a mental break from not sleeping most nights. Sam couldn’t help it, but I needed to remember to take some time for myself.

The early evening was cold as hell as Sam and I skated to work. We could’ve taken the bus, which had heaters, but skating was mentally relaxing and freeing. It soothed both of us. Our friends weren’t much different. Whenever life got to be too much, skating the day away helped ease our stress.

Sam and I swerved around corners, popped off of curbs, and pumped our feet to move as fast as we could. The air numbed my face, but skating quickly warmed us up.

As we came to an intersection, all my worries washed away when Sam reached back with his hand for me to take with a smile on his face. His fair skin was flushed red from the cold, and his red hair peeked out of the gray knit beanie. He looked so youthful and cute right then. Sam glowed with a happiness that made my already exerted heart beat more furiously.

“I love you,” Sam said, unprompted.

I fucking swore I wanted to die right at that moment because then I would’ve died happy. Sam’s words and bright smile suddenly righted all wrongs in this world, making it a better place, even by a little. That he loved me back was a miracle in itself. It was a wish I’d never imagined would be fulfilled.

“I love you,” I said back, choking on my emotions.

Sam suddenly hopped off his board, yanking me with him as he forced me against the brick facade of a building. Our breath came out in clumps of steam as we looked at each other until he bent down and kissed me. It wasn’t like Sam to be this bold, and I ate it up. He pushed back all his uncertainties and insecurities to claim what he wanted, and I was here for it. It was a glimpse into a Sam who could’ve been had his family been kinder and never sent him away to that hellhole.

Our kiss wasn’t desperate, but slow and deliberate. We took our time to taste, lick, suck, and nibble our mouths. I instantly grew hard, but there was little I could do about it out here.

My hands slid underneath his coat, feeling the hard planes of his back, prickled with goosebumps, and he did the same to me.

When we came up for air, Sam rested his forehead on mine. “Sorry, I just had this urge to kiss you.”

“Never apologize for wanting to kiss me.”

He smiled and kissed the tip of my nose. “I love kissing you. Every moment, I think about how grateful I am to have you in my life and that you fucking love me back. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”

“Same here. It sounds corny, but I feel… complete now.”

“Exactly! That’s how I feel, like something was missing from my life. I was missing your kisses and touch. How could I miss something I never had until now? God, to have your love… no one has ever loved me before. Not my parents, not my foster parents… I’d felt so alone for so long until you came. Conversion therapy tried to break…”

“Shhh, I know. We just need to promise each other that we’ll stick together, no matter what, forever.”

“I promise… forever.”

I pulled Sam back into a sweet and too short of a kiss. “We should go before we’re late.”

We skated the rest of the way to work, holding hands like a vow never to let go.

As Sam got the bar ready for the night, I headed back to the employee lounge to put away our boards and coats. Stone was there doing the same thing when he turned around to face me.

“‘Sup?” he said.

“Hey.” I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling the need to thank him for his help the other day. “So, ah, thanks and all for your advice.”

His face turned blotchy red, and he nodded. “Sure.”

“Thanks for what? And why does my boyfriend look like he’s about to incinerate?” Stix asked as soon as he walked in.

“Nothin’,” Stone and I said at the same time and a little too quickly.

Stix raised a brow and folded his arms. “Why do I get the sense you two are hiding something?”

Stone clenched his jaw and looked as if he was trying to climb into his locker to hide. It was one of the funniest things I’d seen in a while. How was this huge man so shy and wanting to cower away from his boyfriend’s irritation? I burst out laughing and shook my head.

“Relax, Stone. I got this.” I shrugged at Stix. “He just helped me out with some advice about Sam. You weren’t at home, so he was sweet enough to help me.”

Stone’s face grew even more red. “I am not sweet.”

Stix snorted a laugh. “Please, beneath all that stone exterior, you’re a marshmallow inside.”

“Anyway, please don’t say anything yet. It’s not a secret, but I don’t want all our friends to overwhelm Sam. I’ll tell them soon. So, ah, Sam and I are… together.”

Stix’s eyes popped out of his head, and his jaw dropped. “Are you fucking kidding me? How? When? What happened? Holy shit… I can’t believe it. Finally! Give me all the fucking deets… stat! And what the hell does Stone have to do with this?”

Stone rolled his eyes and huffed. “Leave them alone, Nico. You don’t need to be such a busybody all the time.”

Stix tsked. “I’d rather die than not get the details. I’ve been waiting forever for this magic to happen.”

“Drama queen,” Stone huffed as he walked out, but he turned with a slight smile on his face and love in his eyes. He could be a hard man, but Stix was right. Stone was a marshmallow when it came to his boyfriend. He loved Stix, flaws and all, which was how love should be.

Stix started bouncing with the energy of a toddler. “Out with it! Now! Need to know!”

“Ugh, it was an embarrassing accident, actually. I… kissed Sam while he was sleeping like some creeper, and not for the first time.” I rubbed the back of my neck as my face heated. “He woke up and caught me, forcing me to tell him the truth. But then…”

“He said he liked you back?”

I looked up at Stix, wide-eyed and still in awe. “Yeah. Exactly.”

“God, you two are the biggest dumbasses. Now, I had no idea Sam felt the same, but shit, if you two had just been honest…”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Stix rushed at me and pulled me into a hug. “Thank fuck, your dumbass was a creeper. Now, you two can finally get on with loving each other.”

I huffed against him as I held him back. “Truth.”

“I’m so fucking happy for you.”

“Thanks. Just… Please, Stix. Keep it low-key.”

“You’re talking to the least low-key person ever.”

“Stix…” I warned.

“Fine, I’ll behave.”

“Just let me tell them the news. I want to do it.”

“Fair. So, what did you and Stone talk about? Because I had no idea you’d even stopped by.”

I pulled away from my friend and stared up at the ceiling for strength. “Ugh… I needed tips on blow jobs and shit. I thought you were the best person to ask, but only Stone was there.”

Stix snorted a laugh. “I don’t know how you managed to pull that off. Oh, god, to be a fly on the wall that day.”

“Leave Stone alone. He was awesome and helpful.”

“Oh, I’m never letting him live this down. I’m going to tease him relentlessly. It’s good for him. It keeps him grounded.”

I chuckled. “How does he even put up with you?”

He smiled and shrugged. “The world may never know. He just does.”

While I understood how to serve tables since I’d been working at Alpha’s for a while now, Stix had to spot me and make sure I got everything right and worked quickly enough. Drunk people could be fucking demanding.

There was a punk band playing tonight, so the place was loud as hell and crowded. I kept checking on Sam to make sure he still had his earbuds and wasn’t stressing out. If he wore one of his too-bright smiles, I knew things were getting tense for him, so I’d make him take quick breaks and go for a smoke in the alley where it was quieter.

On the whole, Sam had been doing okay tonight. But when I looked over this time, Sam’s smile turned too broad and strained, shaking his head. My body instantly tensed. Something was fucking wrong. That wasn’t just stress. Someone was being cruel to him. I knew the difference. Sam had fear in his eyes.

“Hey, buddy! We’re trying to order something,” one of the customers snapped at me over the music, but I was too focused on Sam.

My eyes suddenly pinged on three dudes, pointing angrily at him. Sam kept shaking his head, smiling so wide that it looked painful, and trying to back away, but the row of liquor bottles stopped him.

“Hey! We’re trying to order drinks here!”

“In a minute,” I snapped over the loud music.

I scanned the bar, looking for Stone and Ajax. Stone was busy checking IDs at the front, while Ajax couldn’t be seen anywhere, probably on a break or in the restroom. Then I looked for Alpha, but he was probably in his office because I didn’t see him at his usual spot behind the bar with Sam.

Dammit.

Then one of the assholes reached over the bar and grabbed Sam by the front of his T-shirt, pulling him practically over the counter, yelling at him. Sam instantly stopped smiling as the panic took over, not even trying to rationalize with the asshole.

Instinct took over when I dropped my empty tray on the floor, ignoring the bitching from my table, and forcing my way through the crowd to reach Sam.

I saw fucking red when the asshole’s friend yanked one of Sam’s earbuds out, dropped it on the counter, and smashed it with the bottom of the empty beer bottle.

I became singularly focused as I shoved people out of my way, ignoring the complaints and running toward Sam. As soon as I reached the dickhead holding Sam, I jumped on his back, wrapped my legs around his waist, and put his throat in a stranglehold.

“Let him fucking go, asshole. I’ll kill you!”

“Off, you fucker!”

He tried to throw me off, but I wrapped my legs around him tighter and choked him harder, holding my forearm with my other hand for extra strength. The asshole was bigger than me, but it didn’t matter. I had rage on my side. My body burned with a fire I hadn’t felt since the day I took Sam out of that home when we were teens. “Don’t you ever fucking touch him!”

One of the other pricks ripped me off his friend’s back as if I weighed nothing. I thrashed and kicked the guy I’d been holding in the face. His nose spurted blood, and he dropped. I smiled before a searing pain stabbed me in my kidney. A fist had landed there, and when he let me go, I fell on my hands and knees, but I recovered quickly and slammed my fist into his balls.

He screamed before I was lifted off the ground again as I squirmed and fought them off. “Let me fucking go! I’ll kill you all, you motherfuckers!”

Suddenly, it was mayhem. For the first time, Sam jumped over the counter of the bar and lunged at the guy who I assumed had punched me. Ajax had finally made an appearance, along with Stix and Stone.

The bar turned into a melee of chaos at the bar, punching, kicking, clawing, biting, and swearing. Stone and Ajax were the biggest and ripped the assholes off the rest of us. That was when I noticed the band had stopped playing, and the crowd was watching this shitshow in excitement with bloodlust in their eyes.

Someone’s fist swung and got me in the eye. I went down, blacking out for a second, but rage was my friend. I popped up and jumped on the asshole’s back again, punching him in the throat.

“Enough!” It was Alpha’s voice that got everyone to freeze. He stood there with anger on his face and carrying a gun casually at his side. “What the fuck is going on in my goddamn bar?!”

I pointed to one of the guys messing with Sam. “This prick grabbed Sam by his shirt and yelled at him when his friend there ripped his earbud out and smashed it on the counter.”

The dick who had grabbed Sam pointed at him. “I’d been trying to order, but he’s a fucking moron! He kept smiling and shaking his head. I just wanted a goddamn beer, and he’s being a dick!”

I wiped the stinging blood dripping from my eye and glanced at Sam, who was now hugging himself and in a full-blown panic.

Fuck.

I rushed over to Sam and held him. “It’s okay.”

“I can’t breathe… breathe. Need… air…”

My hands gripped his face and forced him to look at me. “Breathe through your nose four times.”

“I can’t…”

“You can.”

Sam’s green eyes focused on me, and even through his panic, he held trust there. He tried to breathe through his nose several times, copying me.

“Hold your breath until I count to seven. One… two…” When I reached seven, he exhaled. “Good, now blow out hard several times.”

We repeated the process several times before he finally calmed down. His eyes watered, and he gripped my forearms while my hands were still holding his face. “I’m so sorry. I just…”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault.”

“So you pricks just thought it would be okay to attack one of my employees because he wasn’t moving fast enough for you? Do I have that right?” Alpha demanded, looking imposing with his tattooed muscular arms and the gun at his side.

The assholes folded their meaty arms over their chests and shrugged. They had no fucking excuse for how they treated my Sam.

“You’re banned from this bar permanently. If you’re ever unsatisfied with any sort of service, you look for help like a fucking adult. You do not attack my employees. Is that fucking understood?”

“Fuck you, man!” One of them spat. “This bar sucks, anyway. We’re going to sue your ass for assault.”

“Try it. I have cameras that caught the entire thing. My lawyers will be sure to know who started it, and my employees have a right to defend themselves. Now get the fuck out.”

When they didn’t move fast enough, Alpha grabbed the closest one by his shirt and dragged him toward the front door. “Ajax! Stone! Escort the other two gentlemen out, if you would. The rest of you! Back to work!”

As the dickheads were led out, I held Sam close to me. “Are you okay, baby?”

He nodded. “I’m sorry about the earbud.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“You always say that!” He tried to push away from me, but I held him tighter. “It’s always my fault! I make everyone angry, and I always fucking mess everything up!”

“No, you don’t.”

I stood and helped him up. “Come on. Let’s get some air.”

“No, I… need to get back to work.”

“Sam…”

“God, please, Nate. Just let me…” As he walked off, he stopped and turned around, not looking at me with sagging shoulders. “Do you have my other set of earbuds?”

“Yeah, sure.” I dug into the pocket of my jeans and handed him the charging case with his other set.

When he took it, he finally looked at me with sheepish eyes. He reached for my face, which was still bleeding. “I’m so sorry, Nate,” he said before he went back to work.

I didn’t bother to tell him it wasn’t his fault again or chase after him. We would talk about this later when he calmed down. Hell, I needed to calm down, too. My blood still pumped way too fast, and I was still fucking pissed someone dared try to hurt Sam, but I shook it off and returned to work. Sam was safe.

I yawned as I gently pulled away from Sam’s hold and climbed out of bed. We had a long night last night. Once the bar closed, Alpha lectured the hell out of us, especially me, for getting violent and that I should’ve grabbed Stone or Ajax first before confronting three men who’d gotten rough with Sam. But Alpha didn’t understand. I just reacted. Sam was my responsibility, and no one was going to fucking touch him, and there had been no time to grab the others.

I didn’t bother to argue with Alpha, though. We all listened to him lecture us, and when he finally relaxed, he told us he was grateful we weren’t hurt worse and to close up the bar.

My body was running on fumes, but I couldn’t rest, and my mind was moving a million miles a minute, still hyped up from last night. I needed to get up and get bathed so I could look for a job today. There was no way around it. Replacing Sam’s earbuds would be another two hundred bucks down the drain, and our account was already overdrawn from his grocery shopping, so we had to pay the fees back with our tips.

As much as I wanted to kiss his sleeping face, I left him alone. It was rare he slept this well.

By the time I showered and had my coffee, Sam woke up and stumbled into the kitchen, scratching his back.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I’ve… got to look for another job.”

I hadn’t wanted to tell him because I knew he would feel guilty, but he needed to know where I was going to be if I found work and that I wouldn’t be home.

Sam started to pace in the kitchen, ran a hand through his mussed red strands, and then started tugging on them. “No! I’ll do it. It’s all my fault. Everything is my fault. If I had reacted faster to that guy last night, none of this would’ve happened, and my earbuds wouldn’t be broken. Fuck, I get everything wrong. And the shopping. God, I messed up. You shouldn’t have to take up the slack for my mistakes. I’m not normal. Why can’t I just be normal? I’m such a fuck up. Is that why my parents sent me—”

I stopped his pacing and pulled him into a hug. “Stop it. Your parents are insane. No one is fucking normal, Sam. And you’re perfect the way you are.”

“Stop saying those things!”

“Sam, are you accusing me of lying?”

“What?”

“Do you think I’m lying to you?”

“I, ah… No, you’re placating me.”

“When I say you’re perfect, I don’t mean that you can do no wrong. I just mean I love you for you… just how you are. That’s it. Do you mess up? Yes. Do I? Yes. No one is perfect, Sam.”

“I just don’t always understand your patience with me when everyone else gets so annoyed.”

I grabbed his face to force him to look at me. “Your friends are patient, too. Alpha is patient. You are patient. We all take care of each other. It’s just that I’m around you all the time and understand you, and you understand me. You are you, baby. I love all that you are. You clearly don’t see what I do.”

His eyes watered, and he bit his bottom lip. “You shouldn’t have to get a second job.”

“Life isn’t fair. Getting a second job is a hundred times better than living on the streets again. It’s fine. Now, I need to go. Wish me luck.”

He let out a loud sigh. “Good luck.”

Sam leaned forward and pecked my lips. I kissed him back and left the apartment.

I should’ve waited until I had healed after the bar fight. No one wanted to hire a guy whose face was bruised and battered. There were also some businesses forcing me to apply online. I hated filling out shit on my phone. It was a pain.

When my bruises were gone, I’d try again. I stepped into our apartment, a sense of defeat weighing on my shoulders, and found Sam on the couch with the TV on, looking at me. “Well?”

“No luck. I look like I came out of a brawl, which I did.”

I fell onto the couch and rested my head on Sam’s shoulder. “You’ll find something. Maybe that grocery store where Stix works during the day is hiring.”

“They might. I’ll ask him next time I see him.”

“Are we going to be okay?”

I lifted my head to look at him. “Us or the money?”

He shrugged. “Both?”

“We’re definitely okay, baby. The money is fine for now. I only want that second job to protect us from financial emergencies. You know, like rainy day shit or like that day you needed stitches. Money is really tight right now, but working a couple of more days with the tips, and we’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Sam nodded and kissed my head. “Yep, I’m going to try trusting you. It’s just my…”

“I understand. You’ve got insecurity issues. We all do. Yours are completely understandable after everything you’ve been through. Hell, I’ve got abandonment issues, so we’re even.”

We entwined our fingers together, his touch putting me instantly at ease. “Nate? I realize this is random, but have you thought about looking up your parents? I know you said you never wanted to, but that was a few years ago. Things change. I never looked up mine again. I just ran until the cops picked me up and dumped me into the system.”

“Why are you thinking about contacting your parents now?”

He shook his head. “I wondered if maybe, just to… I don’t know…”

“See if they changed?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve thought about trying to find mine, too. Maybe one day when I’m mentally stronger.”

“You’re the strongest person I know.”

I leaned forward and kissed his lips, loving that I could do that freely. “Not for this, I’m not.”

I hated that Nate felt the need to get a second job, and as much as I wanted to argue, I let it go because Nate did what Nate wanted. He could be pretty stubborn sometimes, and I loved him for it. His stubbornness was what saved me in the first place, turning to determination to get me out of that house so long ago. His stubbornness was what kept us alive on the streets. We wouldn’t be where we were, safe in each other's arms, were Nate not stubborn.

I wrap my arms around my legs in bed as I watch Nate yank open up drawers, pull out clothes, and toss them onto his single bed. He grumbles about wanting to kill our foster father as he slams one drawer only to open up another and empty that out, too.

“Grab your backpack and pick out clothes you want to bring with you. Everything else stays,” he says.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting you the fuck out of here.”

Nate is small, cute, and brave. I love his curls bouncing around. I don’t know how he’s so strong, but I feed off of it. It makes me feel strong despite being weak. Always weak. If I weren’t so weak, then I wouldn't make people so angry all the time. But Nate is never angry at me. He only gets angry at those who try to hurt me. He protects me.

“Sam?”

“What?”

“Pack up.”

I climb out of bed and sort through clothes that I want to keep. But I liked all of them. Most of our clothes were bought used at Goodwill, so they are worn and faded, but they’re mine. There are some T-shirts that are my favorite. What if I want to bring them all? I couldn’t fit them in my bag.

“Do you need help picking things out?” he asks. “You can’t bring them all, Sam.”

I nod. It’s best to let Nate decide. He will know what I like the most. But I’m also sad to let things go. They’re mine, and they were hard to come by. Wherever we’re going, I would have even less, but as long as Nate is with me, it won’t matter. He’s my best friend and my crush. He’ll help me and make sure I’m okay. I trust him.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“Anywhere but here. I’ll figure it out. But we may have to live on the streets for a while. It might be scary, but at least you won’t get hit anymore. I swear to fucking god, if we don’t leave, I’m going to kill the bastard.”

My smile is small as I watch him fold some of my T-shirts and shove them into my backpack. Nate is always strong and determined. I’m sure he’ll keep us safe. I’m not afraid to leave with him. As long as he’s in my life, I’ll be fine.

“Do you trust me?” he asks.

“Always.”

Another kiss on my lips pulled me out of my memory. “Welcome back,” he said.

“Hey.”

Nate’s breathing picked up as he said my name and pressed another kiss to my lips before kissing my cheek, jaw, and throat. I closed my eyes, enjoying the tingling across my skin wherever he kissed. His lips were electrical currents. His touch and affection washed away old memories and spiraling thoughts. All I felt and focused on was his sweet, tender mouth.

“I want to try it,” he breathed against my throat.

“Try what?”

“Sex. Only if you want to. I’ve held out for you, hoping one day this would happen between us.”

“God, I’ve wanted to try it, too. But I’m… also afraid of it.” I could never tell anyone else this other than Nate. Only he would understand.

“I’m a little afraid, too. Tell me why you feel that way.”

His hand slipped under my shirt, grazing my tingling skin. His fingers were whispers of touch, soothing, relaxing, and distracting. Nate was the epitome of patience, even when he was exploring my body.

“Tell me why you’re afraid, Sam.”

“What if I get distracted too much to do it? You know how I can get sometimes. Or what if I blank out? Or, even worse, what if I fail to please you?”

“You haven’t failed at pleasing me yet and you haven’t been distracted when we’ve fooled around, but I’m glad you’re talking about this. I don’t know much about sex other than where your dick goes, but I do understand that you and I need to talk about things. If there’s something you don’t like, then we don’t do it. Or, if you grow bored or distracted, we’ll think of something else. If you don’t want sex at all, then we don’t have to.”

I took a lock of his hair and twisted the soft strands around my fingers. “But that hardly seems fair to you.”

“This is about pleasing us both. It’s not about one person. If you aren’t into it, then I’m not going to be into it, either. Your being turned on turns me on. Sex between you and me is how we make it, not what’s expected or how others do it. Does that make sense?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

“I don’t want you stressed out about this, and I understand that you’re not always going to be focused.” His hand under my shirt pressed flat against my heart. “I realize it’s a hard ask, but try not to worry about sex or me. If you can’t do it, then you can’t. I’m just as happy being in your arms and knowing you love me. Sex isn’t everything.”

But for how long could he hold out? People have sex for a reason beyond having babies. They want pleasure and to give their partner pleasure. That was the point, right? People did that in relationships. God, I wanted to have sex with Nate… so much. I’ve held out for him, too, but now that the moment was upon us, I was nervous. I didn’t want to fail him. What if he got bored with me? Or worse, what if—

Another kiss on my lips had me focusing on Nate again. “If it stresses you out too much—”

“I want to,” I blurted. “So much.”

Nate’s smile spread across his face, and his eyes were hooded and sexy. “Good, me, too. Just remember, I’m also really nervous, but I want you too much to hold back.”

With a sudden sense of boldness, I sat up and pushed Nate back onto the couch, pinning his arms up over his head and leaning down to kiss him. Fuck, he had a way of pulling out the best in me. Just when I felt I was crashing or getting lost, Nate would pull me right back to him and not make me feel bad. I knew for a fact that he was a rare gem after living a life with people constantly trying to change me or ‘fix’ me.

“So, who gets to be inside who?” I ask.

“Whatever you want, Sam. I know you liked it when I controlled things during our blow jobs, and I can do that again, though I have no idea what the hell I’m doing,” he said with a self-deprecating chuckle and shrugging. “Or you can be in me.”

“I’ve always imagined you being inside of me. Is… that okay?”

“It’s all okay, baby.”

Nate and I had spent the rest of the day yesterday on our phones looking up anal sex. Sure, I’ve seen guys do it whenever I snuck in some porn, but I’ve never actually researched it, doubting I’d ever have sex. Because we wanted to do it right, we blushed through online instructions.

Once we were sure we had some clue as to what we were doing, we headed to the drugstore to buy lube and an enema bulb, which was even more embarrassing. While I probably didn’t need it, I was way too self-conscious about being clean enough and didn’t want to be distracted by my worries.

Nate and I both agreed we wouldn’t bother with condoms, since this was a first for us.

As I stared into the foggy mirror from the shower, my mind filled with doubts and insecurity. I drew a heart into the condensation on the mirror and wrote ‘NL + SM’ in the center like a middle schooler.

My stomach suddenly rumbled, and I rubbed it. Did I eat today? Then I remembered I chose not to. Maybe I could have a banana at least. Did we have bananas? I could ask Nate to buy some if we didn’t. But I wouldn’t get to eat one, regardless. Maybe I could have something else that’s small.

Nate knocked on the bathroom door, startling me. “How are you doing, baby?”

Baby.

I smiled at that. Fuck, it was as if he had this way of knowing when I needed him, or he had perfect timing.

Shit, what if he left me over this? If I failed and he grew bored, he wouldn’t stick around. Who wanted to be with someone so bad at sex? I couldn’t go on without my beautiful Polaris.

“Sam, answer me.”

Before I could second guess myself again, I opened the door. I was dried off but still naked from my shower.

His creamless-coffee eyes pinged straight to my cock, and he licked his full, kissable lips. “God, Sam… You look so fucking hot.” To prove how turned on he was, and without taking his eyes off my dick, he cupped himself as he started to tent in his sweats. And just like that, my cock grew hard at his reaction.

Nate eyed me and bit his bottom lip before he reached for my hand and tugged me out of the bathroom and toward his bedroom.

My heart raced often, though now it was filled with not only uncertainty, but excitement. The unknown thrilled and terrified me at the same time. Why was sex such a big deal? Everyone did it for the most part, right? It couldn’t be that hard, right? Yet my hands grew clammy and trembled in his strong, confident ones.

Once we reached his bedroom, Nate took my face in his warm hands and pulled me down for a kiss. “You can be inside me if you want instead. You can back out. Anything, Sam.”

I shook my head and gripped his narrow shoulders. “No. I want this.”

Nate stepped back, grabbed the hem of his worn T-shirt, and pulled it over his head, tossing it to the floor. His long, slender fingers slipped into the waistband of his sweatpants and pulled them off. He stripped away layers, exposing his smooth, tanned skin, virtually hairless, except for a smattering of hair forming his happy trail, which grew thicker as it got closer to his hard cock. He was free-balling it, making my heart flip around in my chest. Why did that turn me on so much?

“While I’m nervous, I still feel comfortable around you,” he said, stepping close enough to me so that our dicks touched. I pulsed with need as I nuzzled my face into his throat, and my hands grabbed the meaty flesh of his ass.

“Same.”

Nate took my hand in his and pulled me to the bed. I sat down and looked at him for guidance. He knew as much as I did, but I needed his confidence at that moment.

When he grabbed my face in the palms of his hands, they stuck to my skin, sweaty like mine. That alone eased my tension, knowing he was just as nervous as me. Saying it was one thing. Knowing it was quite another.

His hands trembled, but they were strong, controlling, and confident. They always knew what to do. His beautiful hands would soon own me.

Our kiss grew deeper as he eased me onto my back, taking ownership of our kiss. Each time my mind wandered from my insecurities, Nate would pull me back again like the ocean waves. I retreated, and he tugged me back to shore each time. We were fluid, working in opposite directions, yet together. For some strange reason, we worked.

“On your stomach, Sam. We need to work you open.”

My stomach dipped as I slowly rolled over, growing uncertain and insecure again. It could be fucking frustrating, but I had no control over my emotions sometimes… most of the time.

A quick and gentle slap to my ass brought me instantly back to Nate. “Move, baby. I want to play with that ass of yours. I’ve waited long enough.”

I smiled and fell into the bed, at ease once more.

“Sorry. Was… that too much?” he asked with a tentative voice, making me giggle.

“No, I liked it. I enjoy you controlling me. You’re the star, and I’m the planet forced to orbit around you by your gravitational pull.”

Nate pressed his lips to one of my ass cheeks. “You’re so cute and poetic sometimes.” He gently smacked me once more, careful not to hurt me but to keep my attention. “Now ass up.”

My face burned as my knees slid under me and I boosted my butt up. It was fucking vulnerable and a little scary, but I trusted Nate completely. I shouldn’t have been embarrassed around him, but this was so new, and it completely changed our dynamic.

“Fuck, Sam… You should see what I see. It’s so damn hot with you like this. My dick is throbbing painfully. I can’t wait to get inside you.”

The sound of the lube bottle snicking open was the first step to our new destination. Nate and I were finally moving forward, no longer satisfied with being on a steady and flat field, living parallel lives, but not really together. Now we intersected, two links in a chain bound forever.

“Touch me, Star. Touch me everywhere.”

Nate gasped. “Yes… God, yes. I’ve been waiting fucking forever for this day.”

The tips of his fingers swirled around my hole with the confidence that Nate always carried with him. Even in his nervousness, he took charge and went into everything he did with a stubborn fearlessness.

“Oh, god…” he groaned as he swirled the tip of a finger around. Then he eased it inside. “This is so fucking hot. You’re doing so good for me, baby. You’re holding so still, letting me do my work to open you up. Your ass is so beautiful.”

The sensation didn’t hurt, but it felt odd having something going inside me. It was a little intrusive, but it turned me the hell on, mainly because Nate was doing it. My cock leaked on his bed, desperate to find friction, but I held still for my Polaris.

“Are you okay, baby?” he asked, pulling out his finger and pushing back in.

“Yes.” My ass pushed back on him for more in response. I did it on instinct.

“While I can’t wait to get in there, I really like this, too, watching your ass swallow up my finger. One day I’m going to get my mouth back on your hole, more than the last time.”

My breath caught in my throat. The very idea had my body thrumming and tingling. “Oh, god… I want that. It was amazing the last time.”

“You got it. I’m going to put another finger in, okay?”

His talking and directions kept me focused on everything he was doing to me. “Don’t stop talking.”

“You sure? I feel kind of stupid right now.” His chuckle was light and insecure.

“You don’t sound stupid at all. Don’t stop.”

When he inserted his second digit, there was a slight burn. I started feeling a little full, but this gave me a taste of what was to come. Nate was bigger than two fingers.

He pulled them in and out, moving faster now, and I groaned, and Nate groaned along with me. The air grew heavy with arousal. And fuck if I didn’t need some relief already. I’d never been more needy before, desperate to come, but I wanted this to last forever, too.

I pushed back on his hand, and suddenly, a blinding light flashed behind my closed eyelids, and my body was filled with this strange warmth that sent electrical currents through my body. I trembled with the need to come more than ever. My inevitable orgasm was a volcano just bubbling and building towards the surface, ready to explode.

“I’m going to push in a third one. You still okay?” he asked. His voice came out breathy, clearly enjoying this, though I wasn’t sure why. His arousal only made mine grow. God, I needed him in me.

The third finger really stretched and burned, but the muscles there started to relax. I could feel my hole opening up more as it got used to being forced open.

“God, it’s so hot from my viewpoint, baby… my fingers going in and out of you. Your hole is spreading for me, knowing I’m about to be in there.”

“I need it, Star. You keep hitting this spot, and I’m… fucking dying. My dick is drooling all over your covers.”

Nate snorted a laugh behind me as he wiggled his fingers around. A stinging pain hit my ass cheek suddenly. I hissed, but I liked it, too. “Did you just… bite me?”

“Too much?”

“No, I weirdly like it, as if you’re trying to mark me.”

He bit my other cheek. “Yep, I find it a turn-on to see my handiwork displayed on your fresh skin.”

The bed moved, and I was hit with coldness when Nate moved away from me. I craned my head to look back at him. It was strange seeing my naked ass in the air. His tongue peeked out as he fussed with the bottle of lube, pouring some into his hands. My star was so fucking cute, with his determined face and curls spilling over his forehead.

“Nate?”

“Hang on, baby. Let me get lubed up. In fact, roll over onto your back. I want to see your face when we do this.”

My stomach flipped all over the place, and my breathing picked up as I turned over, watching Nate lube his stiff cock between my propped-up legs. Nerves, excitement, fear, and want all culminated into this monster of emotions. Nate and I were actually going to have sex for the first time. After all these years of our silence, it was finally happening.

Nate crawled back into the bed and hovered over me, and my breath caught with his fathomless eyes filled with a galaxy of love. If I ever doubted him and his feelings for me, I was sure right then. Who knew how long it would last, but for now, I felt his love emitting from the very pores of his skin.

I reached for his face when he leaned in, pulling him so our lips met—cotton candy soft lips, and he smelled like some tropical drink. I needed to make a drink that smelled like Nate, and I’d call it Polaris Under the Sun, full of coconut, lime, maybe some Mezcal, or a splash of rum—

He gently tugged at my lip ring with his teeth and looked at me with smiling eyes, bringing my attention fully to him.

His hand rested on my cheek, cupping my face with his usual delicate tenderness. “Ready for me, baby?”

“Yes. More than ready.”

“Tell me to stop any time it hurts or you feel uncomfortable, okay?”

I swallowed the lump made from nerves as I nodded. “Yeah… I will.”

As much as I tried to be confident for Sam, my entire body sweated and trembled. God, my nerves were fried. What if I did a shitty job at this? What if I failed to turn him on? What if it was so awkward that he wanted nothing to do with sex again? I wanted to be so good for him, but I was fucking clueless. Despite our pathetic attempt at research, it really didn’t explain what it felt like or how would I know if I did a good job or not.

If Sam didn’t like it, that was okay. I’d have to accept his reluctance, but I so wanted this to be good for both of us.

I loved that Sam was honest, telling me exactly what he wanted. It helped push back my feelings of inadequacy and kept me centered on him and his needs. It helped a lot, knowing precisely what he wanted, which was for me to take control, though I had no idea how to really do that.

I hadn’t lied to him when I told him how hot he was with his vulnerable ass in the air, letting me finger him. He was so sexy, and he had a gorgeous ass. I loved how his hole just gobbled up my fingers. And when I hit that spongy spot inside, and he cried out, whimpering for more, my cock leaked all over, throbbing and desperate for more.

As I hovered over my beautiful Sam, his green eyes blown black, his lips swollen from our kiss and arousal, I fell in love with him all over again. Or perhaps I fell more in love with him, though I had no idea how that was possible.

“Are you okay?” I asked for probably the thousandth time, but Sam didn’t seem to mind as he nodded and told me yes.

I sat back on my heels, trying to figure out how to get myself in him. Did I push back his legs? Just find my way in there? Would my dick just know? Fuck, this shouldn’t be so confusing.

I looked down at his ass cheeks with his feet firmly planted on the bed. “Uhm… Hmm. I guess… can you hold your legs back?”

“Yeah.”

Sam slipped his hands under his thighs, pulled his legs to his stomach, and spread them, exposing himself right where I needed to be. Okay, now we were getting somewhere.

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and situated myself to where I could put my dick in him, hovering over his body. With my clammy and trembling hand, I grabbed my dick and edged the tip toward his hole.

Sam’s eyes grew wide, craning his head to watch my movements. My thundering heart hammered hard against my chest as I tried to push myself in. Sam grunted and winced, so I quickly stopped and looked at him. “I’m so sorry. Did that hurt?”

“Ah, a little.”

“Okay… uhm, I think you’re supposed to loosen your muscles there and push down on me. I believe that’s what we read.”

“Mmhm… yeah. Let me try.” His eyes closed, and his brows furrowed as he tried to concentrate on staying open for me. “Oh, god… what if it always hurts? I don’t want this to…”

“Don’t worry. It’s supposed to sting a little, I think, but just try to relax, baby. If you don’t like it, then you can be inside me. It’s not the end of the world.”

He bit his bottom lip, swallowing up his little lip ring, and nodded.

“Breathe, baby… just breathe and let me in.” Shit, I needed to tell myself that, too, catching myself holding my breath several times.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

Biting the tip of my tongue, I eased my tip in. This time, he tried to keep himself loose and not clamp down on me. I slowly inched my way in, careful to check on Sam and ask him questions. It wasn’t exactly spontaneous or sexy, but I was confident once we got past the awkward stage and I was fully in him, it would be better. Gay men did this all the time, so surely sex was enjoyable, right?

I rested my hands on either side of him, pulled out, and slowly eased in another inch. His hands gripped my arms as he breathed through the pressure with his eyes clamped shut.

“You sure you’re okay?”

Sam huffed and quirked a smile. “Nate… go.”

As I pushed in more, he loosened up. His fingers, painfully digging into my forearms, eased, and his breathing settled.

I sunk into him after the last inch, and it was done. I was in. Holy shit, I was inside Sam. We became one. Finally. Instead of getting lost in my excitement that we were complete, I pulled out and pushed in again. Soon, he loosened up even more, and I could ease in and out with a smooth glide.

My heart rushed up to my chest with a surge of emotions. I looked down at Sam, my soul mate, with his eyes closed, but he no longer scrunched them together.

His ass wrapped around my dick, firing off every single fucking nerve ending. The sensation was overwhelming and arousing, and I needed more, but I needed to go slow.

“How do you feel?” I asked.

“Good, it doesn’t burn anymore. It’s weird, like I’m really full.”

“But do you like it?”

“I… I’m not sure. You gotta move, though. Try to hit that spot again, like you did with your fingers. I saw stars, just like you’re my star. It was as if I saw you behind my lids in an explosive galaxy where stars are born. I want that.”

He had such a beautiful way with words. I knew that if we’d had a better life and better education, he would’ve had a remarkable future. Instead, he was stuck with me and with nothing.

I shut up my distracting thoughts and thought about our moment. Our unity. Our becoming one.

“How does it feel for you?” he asked.

“So fucking good. It’s like… it’s hard to describe… like you’re hugging me really tight, but you’re so soft, smooth, and warm. I feel you… everywhere. It’s comforting, yet it’s a fucking turn-on. I need to move.”

His green eyes popped open, filled with all the love I felt for him. “Then move.”

My hips thrust back and forth, gliding with no resistance now. I pulled out and punched back in, testing out movements and speed. I wasn’t sure where or how to hit that spot for him again until I hit him a certain way that pulled out a whimper from him.

“Did I hit you just right, baby?”

He nodded with his eyes shut and his full lips parted. “More. And talk to me.”

My face burned, not used to dirty talk. “You want it hard, baby? Fast?”

“Uh huh… both.”

His legs wrapped around my waist and pulled me in deeper, throwing his head back and groaning. “God… so deep.”

My eyes rolled up into my head, and my toes curled as his ass suddenly squeezed the hell out of my dick. I was too stunned to speak for a second.

“Fuck, Sam… you’re so tight.”

I leaned down to give him a quick and sweaty kiss before I nuzzled his throat. My hips punched back into him over and over as he held on tighter to me with his legs and arms, fingers digging into my back.

“Nate…” he breathed. “I feel…”

“I know, baby. I feel it, too.”

Soon, lust overwhelmed my emotions, taking over my body and forcing me into something primal and instinctual. I sat up, grabbed his thighs, and shoved them back.

“I need to see you swallow up my dick.”

“Yes, I want to see, too.”

Sam propped himself up with his elbows as he watched me slide in and out of him. “Fuck me…”

“Yeah,” I panted, getting lost in him swallowing up my cock over and over. It started out rough, but now, with the smoothness of our movements, I realized this was meant to be. We’d waited so long for this very day to happen just like this. It couldn’t have happened any other way. Everything culminated in this very moment.

My body turned to fire as the sweat dripped off me, making my curls stick to my face. Sam clung to the blankets underneath him, still watching me fuck him. Shit, I needed to remember to talk to him.

“You’re fire, baby. I love you wrapped around me.”

“Feels so good, Nate.”

“Fuck, it does.”

I dropped his legs and leaned over him to watch his face, to connect with him as I got closer and closer. I fucking needed to come, yet my body held back for some reason, maybe to sustain it.

“Do you need to come, baby?”

“Yes!” His voice was nearly shrill, making me laugh.

“Stroke yourself for me. Can you do that? Make yourself come.”

I’d do it, but I was afraid I’d lose my balance and fall on top of him, ruining the moment.

He spit in his hand and grabbed his cock, tugging on it with such a rapid force that I worried he’d chafe his skin.

I was growing tired, and my thighs burned, not used to this sort of exertion, but I moved faster to keep up with his stroking. Sweat dripped off the tip of my nose and onto his chest, while beads of sweat formed on his forehead and upper lip.

Suddenly, his eyes rolled up into his head, and his mouth dropped open while his body froze. “Ohgodohgodohgod…” Spurts of cum shot out of him so hard that some of it hit his chin. Then my own eyes rolled up into my head from a tightness I’d never experienced before squeezing the fuck out of me. My balls grew tight and heavy, and my body shuddered with the pressure tingling around my groin and spine.

It was my turn to freeze as his hole milked my cum from me.

“Fuck, Sam… fuck.”

If I thought him sucking me off had been amazing, sex was in an alternate plane of reality. My eyes watered from the ecstasy and overwhelming sensation of arousal and emotions. It wasn’t just sex, but sex with Sam, my one true person. This sealed the deal. This proved he was mine and had always belonged to me as I belonged to him.

Once his ass milked me dry, I had no more energy and just fell on top of him, uncaring that cold cum covered his stomach and chest. His fingers slid up and down my back as our panting breaths calmed down.

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk so much to you,” I finally said once I found my brain and lungs. “I couldn’t find any words while being inside you.”

“It’s fine. I was surprisingly focused on you.”

“That was… fucking amazing.”

“It was perfect, Star. So perfect. Though it hurt at first, and we fumbled for a bit, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. This was us and exactly as it should’ve been.”

I smiled at that. “I was thinking the same thing while inside you.”

I lifted my head and rested my chin on his chest as his fingers tangled in my curls. “I love you so fucking much,” I said with a surge of sudden emotions.

“I fucking love you, Star.”

Before I started getting weepy, I peeled myself off him. “Let’s shower before we’re glued together.”

Sam laughed. “Sounds good.”

After our shower and stripping the sheets off my bed, we replaced them with new ones. Sam lay on his stomach as I lay on my side, dragging my fingers along his smooth back. That emotional surge returned, making my stomach twist and my heart pound. It was love tenfold.

I traced words of love on his goose-pimpled back from my touch. He turned his face to me with his eyes closed, but a small smile played on his lips. I’d never seen Sam so content. That didn’t mean his brain wasn’t moving a million miles a minute, but at least he seemed a bit calmer.

“What word am I writing on your back?” I spelled out his name.

“Sam.”

“Yep. This one?”

His smile turned shy as I spelled out, ‘I love you.’

“I love you.”

“You’re good at this. How about this one?”

“Hmm, I can’t tell.”

“I spelled out soul mate.” I rested my head next to him, my hand now lying flat on his strong back. “Because you’re my soul mate,” I whispered.

His eyes popped open, and he kissed the tip of my nose. “I know.”

“You belong to me always, and I belong to you.”

“Forever.”

That was the most confidence I’d ever heard from him since we began all this with my accidental kiss. Whatever happened between us or what roads led us to new paths, I knew we would always live it hand-in-hand together.

On Sunday afternoon, I was still high from having sex with Nate. I’d never felt more whole in my life. Loving him from afar made me realize how incomplete I had been, like missing bits and pieces of myself until we had sex. Nate had put me back together without even realizing it.

Our crew headed over to the indoor skating park at Old Town Mall. Well, it wasn’t an actual skating park, but one all of us had contributed to building over the years, filled with halfpipes, graffiti, and lighting.

The area was filled with gutted, abandoned shopping buildings. They were all falling apart and probably weren’t the safest to be in, but we loved them, making them our own. I hoped they’d never sell the buildings off, but eventually, some business would buy them up. We came here whenever the weather was too cold or wet outside, and sometimes, we’d use them for parties.

Perhaps we should celebrate Nate’s birthday here. We partied here last year, too, but I wanted to do it again. Now that we were together, perhaps I should do something different for him. We could always go back out to Federal Hill and see a movie again. This time, I would get him some nachos to munch on. Was there a restaurant that served special, fancy nachos? What would he like as a gift? We didn’t have much money to blow. I could get him a cool T-shirt or something.

I needed to think quickly since his birthday was coming up in April. I didn’t remember shit about birthdays, but I remembered Nate’s. Still, I always kept the special day on my phone’s calendar.

I looked around the skate area in search of Nate and found him doing his tricks with Stix and Alpha. Alpha rarely spent time with us nowadays since he was always too busy at the bar and running a business, but today, he showed up. I was glad he finally made it out and could chill with us.

“Why are you so fucking quiet?” Cueball asked Blaze, yanking my attention away from staring at Nate.

I looked at Cueball, who had a freshly shaved head. What would his hair look like if he grew it out? He wasn’t balding, so why did he shave it? Was it as smooth as it looked? Did he have curly hair like Nate? Was it straight? I bet it was as dark as Nate’s. And why was he asking Blaze about being quiet when Cueball rarely spoke himself? That was why he suddenly grabbed my attention.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Blaze huffed. “I’m talkin’.”

“No, you’re off. Something’s going on with you. I’ve noticed your mood all day.”

“So! What's it to you?”

To my complete shock, Cueball grabbed a fistful of Blaze’s dark brown hair and forced Blaze to look at him. “Your face is fucking red. Why?”

Blaze scowled and shoved Cueball away, saying nothing, which was odd. Blaze never stopped yapping and bitching, especially at Ajax.

“Fuck off!”

Cueball took no offense as he scanned Blaze again before moving his eyes to Ajax, who I just noticed was huddled into himself, trying to hide behind Jazz and Blondie. His face looked… sad. What the hell? I didn’t always pick up on bodily or social cues, but Ajax always stood out to me as strong and dominating. He never cowered to anyone. I didn’t recognize this Ajax.

Cueball’s eyes grew wide. “You… holy shit, you and Ajax? Did you two…?”

That got everyone’s attention as they stared back and forth between Blaze and Ajax.

“Fuck me. I was joking when I said you two should bang. I didn’t mean it literally,” Jazz said before she snorted a laugh and ended up in a fit of giggles.

“As if! We didn’t fuck! I fucking hate you all!” Blaze stood, yanked out his smokes from his jacket, and lit one up before he stormed off outside.

Then Ajax stood less angrily than Blaze and walked away with his board. His shoulders drooped, and he looked depressed or something. He also left the building and headed toward the back alley.

“Nice, Jazz. Ajax looks like he’s gonna cry now,” Blondie scolded his sister.

“What? Cueball started it. Besides, Ajax never cries.”

Cueball now looked completely disinterested as he smoked a cigarette and scrolled through his phone.

“Fuck, I hate talking about this shit.” Stone stood, pulling out his own smokes. “I’ll deal with Blaze and see what the fuck is going on.” Then he pointed at Cueball. “You’re coming with me since you started this.”

Cueball shrugged and stood. “Whatever.”

Nate and Alpha were so much better at these things than me, but they were busy skating, and the twins didn’t move a muscle to talk to Ajax, so I guess it was up to me.

“I’ll go,” I said and stood to chase after Ajax.

When I reached outside, my face got hit by the spray of rain, bouncing off the rooftop, where it cascaded down onto the split concrete, forming little miniature rivers and lakes through a jungle of weeds. It was fucking cold, too.

Days like this had me flashing back to when Nate and I lived on the streets. We’d huddle together in sleeping bags under a bridge filled with garbage and other homeless people. No matter how close we got or covered ourselves, we could never find enough warmth. Yet I didn’t completely hate it because Nate held me so close, and I always felt safe with him.

My body shuddered from the chill, grateful those days were over and thankful to Alpha, who helped get us off the streets. But most of all, I was grateful to Nate, who’d never abandoned me.

“What do you want?” Ajax said, pacing back and forth, aggressively smoking a cigarette with his other arm wrapped tightly around himself. His voice sounded despondent and so unlike him. Ajax was vibrant, a mixture of rage and joy. It was odd, but weren’t we all?

“I just wanted to check on you and see if you want to talk.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t.”

“Okay.”

I leaned against the brick façade of the building, which had cracked windows and was covered in graffiti, pulling out a smoke from the pack Nate and I shared. We couldn’t afford cigarettes too often, so we didn’t smoke a lot. Usually, it was when we were skating or drinking because our crew did.

“Just go,” Ajax huffed, but he had no bite to his words. Something was definitely wrong.

“Nah, I’m good.”

I almost always avoided confrontation, but I trusted Ajax not to lash out at me. He could be as protective as Nate, and he’d never been cruel to me despite his sometimes scary demeanor.

He kept pacing back and forth, smoking, running his hands through his thick dark brown hair, tightly wound, but not happy or angry. Ajax clearly needed to talk to someone. I didn’t speak to anyone either, but I also had Nate. Ajax didn’t have anyone special in his life that I knew about.

“Blaze kissed me,” he blurted.

My eyes popped out of my head from his admission. So, Cueball had been right. He was observant, more than the rest of us. It was hard to tell anything about Cueball at all, since he rarely said much and showed nothing on his face. He sat there and just observed.

“He kissed you? I have to admit, I didn’t see that coming. You two are always at each other’s throats.”

He sighed and took another drag. “I know. It was… weird.”

“What did you do?”

“I fucking kissed him back. What do you think I did?”

“How do you feel about that?”

Ajax dropped his head, sighed, and put out his half-finished cigarette under the heel of his boot. Maybe I should get Nate some boots. I bet the thrift store had some nice ones. He’d look good in them. That would be a cool birthday gift… maybe.

“I weirdly liked it. And so did he, or so I thought.”

I shoved out thoughts of Nate’s birthday present and tried to focus on Ajax. “But he didn’t?”

“I must have done something stupid because we were really getting into it, and our hands touched everywhere. He’s so short, and I had to bend down, but he didn’t seem to care despite me making fun of him all the time about his height. Hell, I never really cared, but I like needling Blaze. I love pissing him off. He’s like a feisty, angry gremlin, so easy to get riled up.”

“What did you do that was stupid?”

“I don’t know… that’s the problem. As we got into it, I lifted him, and he wrapped his legs around my waist. I got so fucking… Anyway… All I can think of is that he felt… me against him, and it freaked him out.”

Ajax’s face turned beet red, reminding me that maybe our entire crew was all a little bit inept when it came to sex and love. Hell, I hadn’t seen Alpha with anyone either. We had so little of it in our lives. It made Ajax more vulnerable than I’d ever seen him or expected from him.

He pulled out another cigarette and lit it, blowing out a thick stream of smoke mingled with his warm breath in the cold air, surrounding him like a dense fog.

“Then, I said his name. Blaze fucking freaked out, shoved me off him, and looked at me like he could stab me with his cold, black, soulless eyes.”

I took a drag of my cigarette as Ajax slumped lower and lower with his story. “You two just kissed? You didn’t do anything else?”

He scratched the tip of his nose with his cigarette hand and nodded. “That’s it.”

“God, Nate is so much better at this shit than I am. I know he would have some answers or sage advice for you.” What did I say to him to make him feel better? “Uhm, did he say anything else?”

He shook his head.

“Do you… like him?”

His dark brown eyes with furrowed brows met mine. “I don’t know… I was really into it, but fuck, I want to punch the fuckhead sometimes… all the time. Or just lift him over my shoulder and toss him into the harbor. But… Shit, I’d never been kissed like that before, Pip. It was so… hungry. God, I still feel him tingling on my lips.”

“Is he… into guys? I mean, I guess he is if he kissed you, but maybe it surprised him that he did it, and when he came to his senses, he got mad. Maybe he’s not mad at you at all but at himself.” That made sense, right?

His eyes grew wide, and a small smile quirked on his lips. “Do you think so? Like maybe he could be into me after all, but he got scared?”

“It’s kind of what happened to Stix and Stone.” I shrugged. “Do you want him like that? You may have liked the kiss, but is he worth pursuing? If so, you need to talk to him. One thing I’ve learned from Nate is to talk about shit.”

“We never talk unless it’s to trash talk each other. In fact, we were doing it yesterday. It got really heated before he lunged at me and yanked me down for a kiss. I was fucking stunned before I gave in to him.”

“You should try to talk, but only if you want to pursue this.”

Ajax squared his shoulders, smiling more and looking better. I smiled in return, patting myself on the back for pulling him out of whatever he was feeling. Perhaps I’d learned something from Nate after all.

“Maybe I will.”

“So you like him more than hate him then?”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. “I hadn’t thought so until that kiss. It was fucking explosive, man. I went from hate to lust in seconds. So, yeah, I would like to see where it goes.”

“Good, I’m happy for you then. Well, I’m going back in because I’m freezing my nuts off.”

Ajax lumbered over to me and lifted me off my feet to give me a hug that may have cracked some ribs. “Thanks, Pip.”

“You’re welcome,” I wheezed.

After he set me down, we both put out our cigarettes and headed back inside. When I saw Nate standing there, suddenly turning to me as if we were drawn together like magnets, my breath whooshed out of me. His smile tugged at me, forcing my legs to move faster toward him. I needed him. I needed to kiss him right there, right now, to finally claim him in front of everyone. It was time the world knew.

When I stopped in front of him, his gorgeous brown eyes grew large, as if he could read my mind. Maybe he could. I cupped his face and pulled him into a deep, heated kiss full of sloppy tongue. Nate’s cold hands slipped under my shirt, sending my cold skin into even more chills. I trembled under his touch. My hand reached behind his head and gripped his curls, ignoring all the whoops and cries from our friends.

When we pulled away, we rested our foreheads together. “What was that for?” he asked breathlessly.

“To show everyone how much I love you.”

Nate melted into me, pulling me into a hug. I held him back and rested my head on top of his.

“It’s about fucking time,” Jazz yelled.

“Finally!” Alpha said.

“Thank fucking god!” Stix said.

I huffed a laugh into Nate’s hair. “Apparently, our friends have been impatient for this.”

When we parted, all our friends rushed in for a group hug, and Stone even smiled and got involved. Cueball and Blaze were nowhere to be found.

This was my family—all of them, not just Nate. The love pouring from these people made my eyes water a little. Their support and caring were everything. Maybe one day, I would finally get the balls to come clean with them about my past, to finally allow them to get to know the real Sampson Maguire.

I’d been working at FarmMart, a high-end organic grocery store, for three weeks now, and it paid so well. At fifteen bucks an hour, it was more money than I’d ever made. Stix also worked here and helped me get the job. I mostly spent my time stocking the shelves and prepping food in the back, which I did five days a week. The job was relatively mindless, but the money was too good to pass up.

Fridays and Saturdays were the worst. I needed to work at the grocery store, then rush home for a quick shower before Sam and I headed to work at Alpha’s for the night. By the time Sunday rolled along, I would be too tired to do much of anything, even skating. Not that I could skate anyway since my board split down the middle after crashing on a half-pipe last week, and I hadn’t replaced it yet.

Working a second job hadn’t only been hard on me, but it’d been hard on Sam. It was understandable since he loved having me around during the day, used to routine and structure, even if that structure could stress him out. If he forgot things, I would usually be there to remind him. Now he needed to rely on text messages from me, if I could even remember.

And sometimes, he’d text me several times at once with random questions. I didn’t know if he just wanted to check up on me to maintain some connection or if he really wanted to know. If I didn’t respond right away, he’d hammer me with more texts. It wasn’t easy to respond to him all the time on busy days.

But the worst of it was when I got home. Sam would be completely agitated and stressed. He didn’t like such big changes in our routines. His insecurity would peak, thinking I’d leave him because I was forced to work so much. His words. Instead of relaxing, I would have to reassure him, and once he finally calmed down, I would have to make dinner.

Sam could cook, but lately, he’d been all over the place, and had been forgetting. Neither of us liked this situation, but we needed the money. It was exhausting trying to stretch every single dollar.

He couldn’t help being stressed out, and I needed to keep reminding myself of that so I didn’t get upset with him or snap.

After dinner, things would settle down, and we would curl up on the couch, watching TV and snuggling together. Sometimes, we explored sex more. At that point, I’d finally relax.

God, I loved Sam so much, but sometimes I felt utterly alone. I had friends to talk to, but not about this. I didn’t know how to navigate working so much, helping Sam, and dealing with the negative emotions that had been plaguing me.

After working three weeks in two jobs, I quickly wore thin. This wasn’t sustainable, but there was nothing I could do. I had to work. Sam also needed more help than I could give, but how? He refused to see any doctors.

I stepped out into the spring late afternoon. It was still cool outside, but all the trees and plants slowly started to come to life. I took a deep breath of the chilly air and walked to the bus stop to take me home.

It was Saturday, so I had to head to work in a couple of hours again at Alpha’s, dreading the late night. To make matters worse, today was my twenty-first birthday.

Fuck, it wasn’t like me to be down in the dumps, but I was fucking tired. My entire body was exhausted. To boost my mood, I imagined my first paycheck next week and what kind of board I would buy. I couldn’t spend a lot of money, but I didn’t want to buy a used one this time.

As I rode the bus, I got another text from Sam. I sighed and swiped my phone open.

Sam: What time are you going to be home?

Me: I’m on my way.

Sam: You’re on the bus?

Me: Yep.

Sam: I missed you.

Me: I missed you, too.

Sam: Happy birthday!

He sent me several partying emojis, which made me laugh and feel a little better. I loved that he always remembered.

When I stepped through the door, I found Sam waiting for me with a massive smile and the pent-up energy of a toddler wanting all the candy in the grocery aisle.

“Happy birthday!”

My laugh was tired as he lunged at me and pulled me into a hug. “Thanks, baby.”

“You’re finally legal.”

“That I am.”

Sam cupped my face and looked deeply into my eyes as his brows furrowed. “You look tired.”

“I am.”

“I hope you’re not too tired because you need to get ready for work. We’re going in early for a little surprise,” he said, shoving me toward the bathroom. “Shower. Move.”

Now I was waking up and excited to go to work. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected—certainly not a surprise. I just assumed today would be like any other day.

“I’m going. I’m going.”

“Tomorrow, we’ll sleep in and cuddle. When you’re well-rested enough, we’ll have sex. Lots of sex. And blow jobs. Gotta have those. And maybe we can get some skating in… no, ah, we can’t do that. Whoops. No board. So, we’ll just have fun in bed. Or we can just kiss if you’re too tired. I love kissing you. When you get stubble, it kind of tickles, and I like it.”

I grabbed his face and pulled him down in said kiss. “It all sounds perfect.”

It really did.

As soon as Sam and I got to Alpha’s, having had to take the bus again, which was getting fucking old, Alpha dragged us all into the employee lounge. All our friends were there, surrounding a table with a chocolate cake in the middle, and there was a bottle of fancy bourbon with several shot glasses.

Jazz and Blondie hugged me and wished me a happy birthday first, and next was Stix. Alpha shook my hand, as did Stone. Ajax’s smile was slightly demented, but he always looked like that as he lifted me in the air like I was a fucking toddler and hugged the hell out of me.

“Can’t… breathe,” I rasped.

He laughed and finally put me down.

Last, Sam gave me a quick kiss on the lips. “Happy birthday, Star.”

My heart and stomach flipped around with the love from this strange, found family. I loved them all.

“Thank you all so much.”

Ajax slapped a meaty hand on my back, nearly toppling me forward. “Can’t have a twenty-first birthday without recognition or… alcohol.” He winked and laughed.

Alpha poured us a finger of Bulleit Bourbon. “This is the good stuff. Perfect for the birthday boy.” When Jazz reached for a glass, he smacked her hand away. “Not for you or Blondie, Missy. Do you want me to get arrested and have the bar shut down?”

She huffed and folded her arms. “We drink all the time.”

“Not in my bar, you don’t.”

“Fine!”

Blondie didn’t look happy either, but he didn’t argue as much as his twin sister.

“You two will have your moment soon enough.”

Jazz rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like in two years… lame.”

Alpha ignored her complaints and raised his glass, and we all followed suit. “Here’s to Nacho. I hope you have an amazing birthday for an amazing young man.”

The bourbon went down surprisingly smoothly, but the liquor burned once it reached my stomach.

Sam walked out of the lounge while Alpha cut the cake, but he soon returned, holding a long box wrapped with navy blue and white striped paper. I knew exactly what he held. I swallowed the lump in my throat at the gift as my tired emotions tried to take over. One thing we’d never done for each other was buy gifts, choosing to save money instead. While living in foster care and on the streets, we could never afford them, so we just didn’t bother.

He handed it to me, and I held the wrapped box close against my chest as I looked at him. “Thank you,” I whispered.

“It’s not just from me. Everyone chipped in.”

“But you came up with the idea,” Stix said.

Sam smiled at me and stood close. “Open it. I hope you like it.”

“I’ll love it, no matter what.”

I tore the paper off and opened the box holding the beautiful, brand-new skateboard—my first. It was absolute perfection. I ran my fingers over the bright teal-blue underside. It was so smooth. The only thing painted on it was [CSS], the name of the skateboard brand, which was rated as one of the best for tricks.

“God, I… love it so much.” My eyes welled. Why was I getting so emotional over this? Maybe because I’d never had a gift like this before, and it was brand new. Sam and I didn’t even buy brand-new phones or earbuds. They were always used or refurbished. Even our clothes were used. “But this is so much.”

Stix rested a hand on my shoulder. “Not really. Sure, the board wasn’t cheap, but seriously, we only chipped in about ten bucks each.”

“I picked out one that was plain so you can decorate underneath how you want,” Sam said.

“Thanks,” I whispered, struggling to hold in my emotions. My bottom lip trembled a bit, and I sucked it in so no one would see.

“One more gift,” Stix announced, handing me a plastic grocery bag. I opened it and peeked inside to find a black T-shirt. “It’s from Goodwill.”

I pulled it out, unfolded it, and snorted a laugh as I read the words. ‘I Had A Dad Bod Before It Was Cool.’ “You and your ironic T-shirts, Stix. I love it. Thanks.”

We all quickly ate some cake before we had to get ready for work. Everyone chatted, even Sam, while I stayed silent. My breath came in shudders as I ate my delicious cake. I was so focused on my gift, the love I had for this family, Sam, and how tired I was physically and emotionally. It was getting to be all too much for me to process.

“You okay?” Alpha asked, startling me.

“Yeah, totally.” I slipped on a mask full of smiles, now truly understanding why Sam did the same thing all the time. But Alpha’s quirked brow and frown said he wasn’t buying my lie. At least he didn’t push me to open up.

We all cleaned up the mess, and when everyone stepped out to work, Alpha grabbed my arm and tugged me into his office. I guess he was going to push me after all. “Sit and talk. Work can wait for a minute. You seem completely off, and you’re the steadiest person I know, so what’s going on? You look like you’re about to shatter.”

I sighed, sitting down in the worn office chair across from his desk. “I don’t know… just feeling over-emotional for some reason.”

“What’s going on?”

“Working a second job isn’t helping. I’m so fucking tired all the time. It’s not just the hours, but Sam… he doesn’t like being away from me for long periods.”

Alpha sat on the edge of his desk, facing me and nodding. “I can understand that, but he’ll get used to things soon. He’ll adapt just fine. He just needs time.”

I rubbed my clammy hands on my jean-clad thighs. I really needed to take this opportunity to talk to someone, and if I could talk to anyone about this, it would be Alpha. He wouldn’t say a word to anyone, and maybe he’d have some sage advice.

“It’s… not just that or needing the damn money.”

“So tell me what else is going on.”

“You promise not to say anything, especially to Sam?”

“You got it.”

I nodded, grateful to finally have an ear to talk about all this.

“We’re really not sure if he was born that way or if… Fuck. I shouldn’t say anything, but dammit, I need to talk to someone about all this.”

Alpha stood and squatted in front of me. “I won’t say anything. We all need someone to talk to, and we can only take so much on before we break if we don’t have an outlet for our voices and struggles. If you can’t talk to me, you can always talk to a therapist.”

I nodded and took a deep breath. “Sam was sent to conversion therapy as a young teen by his parents. He hadn’t even come out as gay yet. Fuck, the facility did all sorts of horrible things to him. They hurt him, Alpha. So much. And they used electric shock therapy on him and probably had no idea what they were doing or they just didn’t care.”

He stood and ran a hand through his honey-blond hair, looking as if he was about to be sick. “Jesus fuck…”

“We were foster brothers, and our last foster father hurt Sam, so I took him out of there. As you know, we ran away from that life. I had to protect him at all costs. He’d been hurt enough. Sam is doing great for the most part—”

“Because he has someone who loves him and cares about his well-being.”

I nodded and swallowed another growing lump. “I love him so much… always have. He has these nightmares… they’re fucking horrible, and he has days he really struggles mentally. Sometimes he just blanks out for a moment. I’ve done all I can for him, and I’ll keep doing it. I’ll never leave him, not just because he needs me, but because I need him, too. Shit…” I ran a hand through my hair. “Because Sam makes me feel needed and wanted. No one has ever wanted me in my entire life. I love being there for him, but I’m also so tired now that I’m working two jobs. Sam doesn’t like it at all. I just need someone to talk to, that's all.”

I ran my hands along my jeans and stared at my feet. “Sorry for the word vomit.”

“Sounds like you two have a bit of a co-dependency issue going on. While that’s fine, as long as you two benefit from it, it can also wreak havoc on a relationship. You both really need a professional to talk to about this.”

My eyes grew wide, and I shook my head. “No! Sam refuses to see anyone. He is terrified of doctors. Doctors and nurses hurt him as a kid. He won’t go near one again. When we had to get him stitches, the paramedics had to sedate him.”

“God, poor Pip. I had no idea he was struggling that hard. I could see there were times he would withdraw more than usual, but he never let on that he was suffering that much.”

“He hides his past because he doesn’t want you all to pity him or think less of him.”

“As if…”

“You and I both know that, but Sam has a lot of built-up insecurities and low self-worth. He can’t help it. People made him that way. Fucking assholes.”

Alpha sat back on the corner of his desk, folding his hands in his lap, and looked at me as a father might a son who, even though he wasn’t much older than the rest of us.

“You know, some doctors are willing to do teleconferences instead. I have no doubt Pippin isn’t the only one who suffers from the fear of doctors. Surely, there are some doctors around who are willing to help over the phone, using video conferences. Would he be willing to talk to a doctor that way? Without being in the physical presence of one?”

God, I was such a fucking idiot. How had I not thought about that before? It seemed so simple now. “Goddammit! I didn’t even…”

“You’re not a professional, Nacho. I’ve dealt with a lot of therapy over the years and talked others into getting help, so I have more research under my belt. Don’t take this as a personal failure. You’ve been absolutely amazing for Pippin. Just talk to him about it and see if he’s game. If so, I can help you find someone.”

I stood and pulled him into a hug. He was big, and he engulfed me in his arms. “Thanks so much, Alpha… for everything.”

“Anytime, kiddo.”

When I walked out of his office, my steps were lighter, and my heart felt less heavy. Just a simple talk had my soul at ease.

We were too tired to do anything fun last night for Nate’s birthday since he worked all day yesterday, and we didn’t get home until three in the morning.

As soon as we walked into his room last night, we fell into his bed and passed out on top of each other. Well, Nate passed out. I’d been missing him during the day, so much so that sometimes I’d end up panicking. That was when I’d text him over and over, asking him what he wanted for dinner, which I would forget to make, or if he remembered where I put my second pair of earbuds or where my charger was. Sometimes, it was about just knowing he was there and responding to me.

I didn’t like him so far away for so long, reminding me of the loud cars under the overpass when he had to bring back some money. He’d be gone all day. I hadn’t had earbuds back then to block out the noises.

Even worse, I’d get scared that he wouldn’t come back to me because he was sick of me with all my texting and hounding him. Maybe if he made enough money, he could leave and get his own apartment. What if he found life easier without me? I was too much all the time. I tried so hard not to talk so much and let my thoughts drift off like drifting into another dream, forgetting the previous dream.

My dreams had been getting better since sharing a bed with Nate, but sleep had gotten worse since he started leaving me to work.

I didn’t like it. Not one bit.

When he came home, the avalanche of relief that rushed through me made it hard to breathe.

He came back. He came back.

As soon as he walked into the door, I put a smile on my face and tried to be happy for him and not to stress him out. But I saw it. He was tired all the time. He smiled less. Sometimes, he’d just zone out in front of the TV. I was scared.

Nate’s hand, sliding up my T-shirt and his leg draping over mine, pulled my attention back to him. My fears were real and lingered, but his presence and touch helped ground me, breathing out happier thoughts like I could hold him every night now, kiss him whenever I wanted to, and we got to explore our bodies.

“Can we just stay like this all day?” he mumbled in my chest.

I pressed my nose into his hair, inhaling my favorite lingering scents mixed with beer and cigarettes from last night and his intoxicating smell of sleep.

“If you want,” I said.

“I don’t know… I think I like your idea of fooling around in bed all day.”

“Hmm, that sounds especially nice.”

Nate lifted his head and cracked a sleepy eye open. “Just nice? Is that all sex is to you?”

He was joking, right? Did I make it sound like sex was bad or average? I loved having sex with Nate. I was afraid I would struggle sometimes, but I never did because I trusted him and I wanted him.

“I’m teasing you,” he said, answering all my worries.

I chuckled and snuggled into him tighter. “Good, because it’s more than nice. Remember those galaxies I’d talked about?” He nodded, pressing his head against my chest again. “Yep, I always see them when we fool around.”

“Then let’s visit some of those galaxies. Uhm… do you know any besides our Milky Way?”

“Hmm, we got Andromeda, Whirlpool, Sombrero—”

“Sombrero as in the hat?”

“Yep, it’s kind of hat-shaped. So what galaxy would you like to visit this morning, Star?”

Nate rolled on top of me and pinned my hands down to the bed. “I’ll take any of them as long as you’re in it.”

God, how did he make me feel better and whole with such simple words? He was magical like that, always knowing the right thing to say.

His hands slid under my shirt again and shoved the fabric up and over my head, tossing it to the floor somewhere. Long fingers returned to my chest, trailing along my skin, swirling a tip around my nipple, which sent a shudder through me.

Lips found their way to my chest, and I closed my eyes to feel their softness as they tasted my skin.

Nate worked his way down my stomach, making sure to press kisses wherever he could reach before his fingers took hold of the band of my underwear, tugging them down until my cock sprung free, hard and happy to see him.

Nate and I had been really practicing blowing each other, though it became harder to do when he worked so much.

He came to rest between my legs, spreading them and taking my dick in his hand.

Should I shower before he goes down on me? Do I care if he hasn’t showered? No, so he wouldn’t care, right? Wait, did we have plans to skate today? He got that new board. What if he’d rather skate?

Warm wetness engulfed my dick as his tongue pressed up against the edge of my tip. My eyes rolled and my lids closed. My hands rushed to Nate’s curls, where I fingered some soft locks. Comfort. His hair was pure comfort. I didn’t know how or why. I just did. It was like the strands of his hair kept me tethered to him—a lifeline.

His warmth washed over my entire body as my dick zinged, pulsing for more. A shudder shot through me when he curled his tongue around my head and through the slit.

“Fuck… Star…”

Nate popped off, stroking me. “You need more, baby?”

“Yes, why’d you stop?”

“‘Cause it’s fun.”

I huffed, but whimpered and groaned when he swallowed me down again. He couldn’t take me all the way, so he held my base in a tight fist, stroking as his head bobbed. It wouldn’t take me long to nut. Just having Nate’s mouth wrapped around me was enough, but him sucking and using his tongue… that was magic.

“Ugh!” I complained when he popped off again. “Why?”

His chuckle was low. “I don’t want you coming yet. You taste too good.”

My dick throbbed with his words. “You’re so mean, yet that’s kind of hot. How do you do that?”

“Because it’s the truth.”

“Please, Star… more. Don’t stop. I need to fucking come.”

“Who wants whom to make the rules around here again?”

“I wanted you to.”

“So, I make the rules.”

I whined and fisted his hair tighter, but didn’t force him on my cock. “Please…”

“Since you asked so nicely.”

Nate didn’t go easy on me then, sucking me hard, using his tongue and hand while using his other hand to tug on my balls.

Soon, I was rushing cum into his mouth as I cried out. I wasn’t sure what, but it had to be about coming because fuck… My heart was thundering, and my breathing came in gasps. When Nate licked me clean, my body trembled like it was shocked with electricity.

“Stop, stop… no more.”

“You sure? I could do another round.”

I laughed and pulled him up on top of me. “No way. It’s your turn.”

After yanking his clothes off, he fell onto his back in bed, and I swallowed his pretty dick down my throat as far as it would go, loving his earthy and salty taste. It also had a touch of sweetness to it, too, reminding me of sweet and sour. Maybe we could make Chinese food tonight. Did we have the ingredients?

“Shit, your mouth, Sam… Perfection. More, baby. More.”

His words and tugging on my hair brought back my focus. God, I adored him for it.

“Can you… put your finger in me? I… like that.”

One day, he would want me inside him. I loved him fucking me, but I think I needed to try to be in him. He liked that, and I should give it to him.

Without saying a word, I ran my finger through my spit on his cock, and swirled it around his hole before easing my finger in.

His back arched, and he groaned. “Yeah… that feels good. Suck me some more.”

With my finger thrusting in and out and sucking him down, Nate came in no time. I swallowed his entire load, savoring it. I could suck him all day.

When I pulled off, I climbed up next to him. We curled into each other and kissed for a while, tasting our cum, before we finally got up to get ready for our day.

I climbed out of bed and pulled on my underwear. “Do you have to work tomorrow?” I hoped not. Nate worked too much. He’d been working at the grocers for only three weeks, but it felt like three months.

“Yeah, I have Wednesday and Sunday off this week.”

All that pleasure we just gave each other instantly washed away with oncoming anxiety. “You work too much. Why can’t you take the day off?”

“Sam, you know I can’t. I just want us to have some money for a rainy day. We never get to save anything. Plus, working there… maybe I’ll eventually get promoted. I could even be a store manager one day if I work hard and am always on time.”

“No!”

Nate stopped putting on his T-shirt and looked at me with his wide, dark eyes. “No?”

“I mean… it’s…”

I flopped onto the bed and deflated, letting out a long sigh. “It’s just that I miss you, and I get… nervous.” Okay, time for honesty. “What if… you don’t come back?”

Nate squatted in front of me and fingered back my long bangs. “Is that why you’re so worried when I’m gone?”

I nodded. “That and… I don’t like you not at home. I’m used to you here with me. It makes me feel safe.”

“You’re always safe, baby. Even when I’m not home. No one can hurt you.”

I huffed and stood, pacing. “You don’t know that! Or what if someone hurts you and…”

“Anything can happen, Sam. We can’t control the world around us all the time.”

Nate stood next to me by the bed, wrapping an arm around me. “Sam… maybe it’s time.”

What did he mean? “T-time for what?”

“Therapy.”

My stomach burned with acid as I tried to catch my breath from my heart beating too fucking fast. The sweat broke out in my pits and along my back. “No, no, no… No doctors!”

My hands gripped my hair as I paced again, feeling the vertigo coming on. Doctors were bad. Evil. They hurt kids when they did nothing wrong. I was a good kid, right? Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I was bad—a bad, bad kid. I was being punished. I can’t even remember how I used to be before… No, they did horrible things to me. Bad kids get spankings, not shocked in their brains, or… touched.

I couldn’t be sedated for a therapist, either.

Strong fingers grabbed my face, forcing me to stop pacing and look at him. Him. My star. Polaris.

“Count with me.”

I tried to shake my head, but he wouldn’t let me. He was stronger than he looked. “No.”

“Let’s breathe.”

“No…”

“Hold for four seconds.”

I shook my head again but did as I was told.

“Now, breathe out.”

Again, I copied Nate’s breathing and focused on him. After doing that three times, I was breathing better, but I was far from calm.

“Sam, there’s a way to talk to a therapist without going to them. You can do a video conference.”

“No, they’ll make me do bad things. Why do you want me to see someone who hurts people?”

Nate grabbed my hand and rubbed soothing circles over my skin. “Most doctors are not bad. I realize it’s hard to see that after what you’ve been through, but most want to help you. All you would have to do is talk to them on the phone. That’s it. I can be there for you to make sure you’re okay.”

I shook my head again.

“Sam, I help you as much as I can, but it’s not enough to punch through all your trauma. You’re not getting better. I love you, and I hate seeing you suffer.”

He was wrong. I was getting a lot better. He loved me. We shared a bed, so my dreams weren’t so bad. I still had them, but not as much. When we kissed, I felt almost normal. It was so good… “I’m doing good. Really. I promise not to text you so much when you’re at work. I swear.”

Nate sighed, trying his best to be so patient, but he saw through me. He always saw so deeply into me. I usually loved that he could do that, but now I itched from it.

“It’s not about your texting, baby. That’s fine if you need reassurance. I just want you to stop suffering. It fucking kills me.”

“H-how do you know about this video doctor?”

He smiled, looking relieved. I would listen, but that didn’t mean I’d agree to this.

“Alpha told me about—”

My body stiffened, and I took a step back from my star, needing him to stop touching me and distracting me. “H-how would Alpha know?” Nate folded his arms around himself and bit his bottom lip, looking guilty as fuck. “You told him.”

The knife of betrayal wasn’t in my back, but in my heart.

“I had to talk to someone, Sam. Please understand. I’m alone here.”

“No! You’re never alone. You have me.”

He took a step forward while I took a step back, not wanting that knife any deeper. If it did, I would bleed to death.

“Yes, I have you to talk to, but who do I talk to when it’s about you? When I need to clear my head? You’ve kept this a secret, leaving me alone to help you. He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone. Please, we only talked so I could get some advice.”

“But why?! I thought we were good! I don’t understand. And if you told him my secret, the one person I trust the most, then why wouldn’t he tell someone else?”

Nate’s eyes watered and his lip trembled. “God, you’re right… I’m so sorry. I was feeling really alone, scared, and tired. Usually, I’m fine, but I had a bad moment. Please forgive me.”

Taking another step back, I wiped the hot tears from my face and shook my head. “I… I don’t know.”

“Sam?”

I turned around, rushed to my bedroom, and locked the door. Nate pounded on it, wanting me to open it. I wanted to open it, but I didn’t want to see him. My trust was gone. If I couldn’t trust Nate, who could I trust?

You’re an idiot. He just wants to help you, and you’re too chickenshit. It’s your fault he’s hurting. You’re the one he can’t trust.

I growled at the insistent, bullying words and slammed my dresser drawer shut.

I needed to breathe and to get out of there. Skating. I needed to skate or something to get away from him for a while.

When I opened the door, Nate was still standing there, crying. I ached, blaming myself, blaming him. I rushed to the front door, grabbing my jacket and board.

“Don’t leave me, Sam. I need you. Please…”

The desperation and pain in his voice made me stop in my tracks, but I had to breathe. To get away. It was stronger than my Polaris.

“I… need to think.”

The late morning turned cloudy, with a damp chill in the air. Rain was coming. I loved yet hated the rain. I loved it when it washed away the filth and stench, but it was cold. Nate and I always got soaking wet when we lived on the streets. I felt the same way about the cold. We’d always been cold from fall to spring before we got an apartment, but Nate always held me close, using our body heat to keep us warm.

There was little traffic on Sunday morning since people attended church, so I could ride through the streets without worrying about getting hit by a car.

I jumped off the curbs, carved around corners, pumping my leg as hard as I could to move faster and faster as if I could run away from my problems. But they always chased me like rabid dogs. I was smart enough to know that. Your problems and past always caught up with you. Nate telling Alpha was proof enough of that.

I couldn’t even be angry at him. Nate never made me angry, but the sense of betrayal weighed heavily. He was the one person I trusted the most in this world, and even he let me down.

Despite being outdoors, with the wind blowing over my face, I still suffocated in shame and disappointment.

So alone.

So empty.

It was my fault for making Nate betray me. He suffered alone because of me—because I was a freak and broken and useless. There was no fixing me. I had way too many fears. The very thought of seeing a doctor had me nearly throwing up and breaking out into a cold sweat.

I needed to do better, but I didn’t know how.

Around twenty minutes later, I reached the skatepark, which was dead, thank fuck. I didn’t want to have to fight people for space to skate.

I took to one of the larger half-pipes, climbed to the top, and stood there on my board for a minute, taking in the view of the city of Baltimore surrounding me. I tried to get into the moment, but I couldn’t find any sense of calm.

Baltimore wasn’t a pretty city, especially under the overcast skies, giving off a depressed vibe that matched my mood, reflecting back at me when I looked at the urban landscape, reminding me of how little joy I had in life.

Nate. Skating. Bartending.

I had no dreams of becoming successful, raising a family, or owning a house, and all those other expectations society had of you. Every day would be the same. I loved and hated routines. Routines took away the joy sometimes, but they also helped me stay on track. Nate deserved more than my broken mind and mediocrity.

A flash of my parents’ faces hit me. That was all I ever got. My memories of them were next to nothing, but sometimes, my mind forced them in. The wiring in my brain tried to find completed threads where there were none. I’d gotten used to it over the years, but I was glad to have so few memories of my parents.

All my problems were their fault. I knew that well enough, but deep inside, I blamed myself for all of it. If I had only been a good enough son, they wouldn’t have sent me away. If I had behaved better in that facility, maybe they wouldn’t have zapped my brain or… touched me. And if I hadn’t fought so hard to be ‘normal,’ Nate wouldn’t have had to betray my trust.

“Ugh!”

Frustration, anger, disappointment, and depression filled my veins, burning me from the inside out.

I pushed my board over the edge, moving as fast as I could before I reached the lip on the other side, catching air and doing a lipslide before going back down to reach the other side.

For a moment, as I moved back and forth, doing tricks, a calmness finally washed over me, and I was able to blank out all my problems for a while, just focusing on making the trick without having to bail. I pushed myself harder and harder, chasing that blank wall, not wanting to feel anything but pure pleasure and thrill. No thoughts. No pain. No suffering. Just nothingness.

I came down too far from the lip. There was no compensating as I crashed to the bottom, losing my board somewhere. I landed hard on my back, but I was careful not to slam my head on the ramp. A stabbing pain shot up from my ass to my spine. Now I hurt inside and out.

“Fuck!”

I lay on my back, staring up at the thick, ominous clouds as the first drop of rain fell onto my face. The sky wanted to cry as much as I did. As another raindrop hit my face, everything came pouring out.

My hands covered my face as I bawled like a fucking infant. Everything just came to a head as I let out all my pent-up pain that I’d hidden behind carefully constructed walls—walls that I’d relied on Nate to maintain for me because I was too weak. He was so strong.

But I wasn’t sure I could trust him to hold me up anymore. Yet, I would never leave him. He was mine, and I was his. I loved him too much for that to change, and I still needed him to help keep me whole.

“God, you’re so stupid, stupid…” I hissed at myself.

The smell of cigarette smoke yanked me out of my crying. “You alright?” said a familiar voice.

I spread my fingers open to peek out at the smoking man squatting next to me.

Cueball.

“No. Not alright. Never alright. All wrong. I’m all wrong.”

My fingers closed as the tears spilled again, as if I could hide my weakness from this person who seemed to have non-existent emotions.

“Can you walk?”

I nodded.

“Let’s go to the picnic tables with the roof. It’s starting to rain harder.”

When Cueball tugged on my arm, I held tight to my face, not wanting him to notice how upset I was. He would see everything in my eyes. My fears, my past, my broken mind. I had to hide it. No one could see how messed up I was. They would hate me, dismiss me, abandon me.

He tugged on me harder. “Up.” His voice demanded no argument from me, and I instantly responded. “I already know you’re crying, so stop trying to hide it. Get the fuck up so we don’t get drenched.”

A sharp pain in my back made me wince as I stood, quickly wiping my face with my jacket.

Oh, shit, please don’t be injured.

I couldn’t handle going to the hospital again. I was already balancing precariously on a thread.

“Do you need help walking?”

I shook my head.

Cueball walked toward the covered picnic tables, and I followed, limping slightly, but I’d be alright. Nothing was broken or bleeding.

He stood as tall as Ajax, maybe slightly taller. He was built, too, like he could crush you with his bare hands. Cueball definitely had an intimidating vibe, and he never smiled, but he had intelligence behind his amber eyes—amber like you see in museums that have ancient insects inside. His pupils were the insects. His eyes were ancient—old before his years. Suffering made eyes old, not happiness. Happiness kept you young. Pain aged you.

I felt one hundred years old today.

By the time we reached the tables, it started pouring, but I instantly stopped in my tracks when I noticed Blaze. I should’ve known. Blaze and Cueball were always together. They were pickles and peanut butter—an odd combination that worked. He sat on the bench backward, leaning back with his elbows on the table, smoking and scrutinizing me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he said.

I refused to go any closer, shivering from the rain soaking through my clothes. Cueball huffed and yanked me inside. “Shut up, Blaze,” he said. “Stop being a dick for five minutes.”

Blaze scowled at his friend. “What the fuck crawled up your ass, Cue?”

Cueball didn’t bother to respond and instead gave Blaze a death stare, shutting him up. Fuck, to have a power like that would be awesome. I could shut people up with a glare. No one would ever pick on me.

He tugged on me harder and forced me to sit on the bench. “Talk.”

I chewed on my lip ring and shook my head vigorously, raining water everywhere. At least it hid my tears.

“Speak. I’ve never seen you without a smile before. It’s weird. Talk. Now.”

I quickly glanced at Blaze, not sure I wanted to talk in front of him.

“Ignore Blaze,” Cueball said, as if reading my mind.

“Hey!”

Another hard stare from him shut Blaze up again before turning those ancient amber eyes on me.

My body shivered from the wetness and cold… and maybe a little fear as I held myself.

“Uhm, I just needed to get away from Nate for a bit… er, Nacho. He told someone my secrets, and I got upset.”

Cueball nodded thoughtfully. “Understandable.”

His single word boosted my confidence a bit, validating my feelings toward Nate. It didn’t take much for doubt to creep in, so having someone give it helped a lot.

“It’s just that some… really bad things happened to me when I was younger, and it fucked me up pretty bad. It messed with my brain, and my brain doesn’t work so well, so people get frustrated with me. I’m fake—all fake. My smiles aren’t real half the time. Sometimes smiles hurt when I just want to scream. But smiles help make people not want to hurt me when they get frustrated with me. But Nate told Alpha what happened. I get that he’s frustrated. He had to take a second job because I can’t keep money shit straight, and it makes him tired. I don’t like him not at home. The change is hard, and I miss him. I worry he’ll not come home one day. But I feel betrayed. He promised never to tell anyone, but he did…”

Cueball raised a hand, shutting me up. “Let me process this… We need to break this all down. So, something bad happened to you as a kid. What happened?”

I looked down at my worn Vans. I’d never told anyone else about what had happened to me except to Nate.

“It’s okay if you can’t talk about it.”

“Why are you being so nice?”

“What makes you think I’m not?”

I looked up at him, wide-eyed and with a burning face. “Ah… sorry. I don’t know. It's just a vibe, I guess.”

“He’s a fucking teddy bear,” Blaze added. “A teddy bear that bites, but still all snuggly and shit.”

Cueball’s face remained blank as he looked at his friend, but it also seemed like he said a lot with a look, though I wasn’t sure what. “Do you really want to talk about teddy bears and snuggles? We can if you want. I bet Pippin here would love to know more about your fondness for the big, snuggly types.”

Blaze scowled and pointed a tattooed and ringed finger at Cueball. “Fuck. Off.”

I covered my mouth and sniggered. “I already know.”

For the first time, Cueball quirked a small smile, which lit up his entire face.

“That’s it! I’m fucking outta here!” Blaze stood and stomped out his cigarette.

Cueball pointed at him. “Sit. Down. We’re going to help our new friend here.”

Blaze huffed and sat down but didn’t argue. I was starting to believe that Blaze was more bark than bite.

“Do you want to tell me what happened to you or not?”

With a deep sigh, pulling out some bravery from my nearly empty well that held things like strength, courage, and confidence, I told him. “My parents sent me to conversion therapy as a young teen. It… really fucked me up. They did all this…” I choked on my words. It was so hard to say, and I wasn’t sure I could go into details.

“You don’t need to elaborate. I’m familiar with the practice, and I’m sorry. No one should ever suffer that.”

“Thanks… so, ah, when my parents wanted to send me back, I ran and ran until the police picked me up. I lied about my family, and they threw me into foster care. I met Nate a few years later. Our foster father hurt me. They always hurt me. I annoy them. My brain…”

“Say no more. I get it. Then what?”

With another deep sigh, my story got easier, not just because I was finally telling it again, but because Cueball didn’t judge. In fact, he understood and was good at keeping me on track, reminding me of a more serious version of Nate.

“The last time I got hurt, Nate took me away from there. He always protected me and took care of me. I’ve always loved him. We lived on the streets for two years. It was hard. So hard. So fucking cold all the time. But he took care of me, held me, and earned money to feed us. He said it was better than me getting hurt by others and that he would eventually find us a home. It was so loud, though—”

“And how did you get off the streets?”

“Alpha. He helped us.”

Cueball nodded thoughtfully. “I like him. I can tell he’s a good man. So, you kept this all a secret because it hurts, right?”

“Yes, and people get frustrated with me.”

“I think you just need to be yourself and fuck the rest. Your friends will definitely still like you. But I see now how your Nate might need someone to talk to about this, not that telling your secret was right. Can you two talk to a therapist?”

My stomach bottomed out, and bile rose in my throat. “No, no, no… no doctors.”

“Ah, I get it. If you can’t talk to a doctor, I recommend you trust your friends. They will love you no matter what. I’ve come to know them pretty well, thanks to being friends with Stone. We’ve all had our share of pain, Pippin. You’re not alone, and you don’t need to suffer alone.”

“I didn’t… I had Nate.”

“And Nate feels alone, too, even having you in his life.”

My shoulders sagged. “I know.”

He was right. I put so much pressure on Nate, still…

“Do you think you can forgive him?”

I nodded. “Definitely. I love him, and I’ll never leave him.”

“Good, then you should tell him that.”

“Thank you, Cueball.”

Before he could respond, my phone in my pocket pinged from our group text with Alpha and our friends.

Johns Hopkins Hospital: We are reaching out to anyone who knows Nathaniel Lamont.

I couldn’t even read the rest of the message as the vertigo hit and the nausea rose.

He left me.

The February day dumped a foot of snow outside. Sam and I are huddled together on the floor of a homeless shelter. It’s so crowded, and they don’t have any beds left. There are so many people without homes, and so many more are still outside with nowhere to go.

We sit on our sleeping bags with bellies full of cold pizza donated by a local restaurant. It’s better than nothing, which happened some days. Sam and I have gone two days without eating. You wouldn’t think that’s very long, but two days is a lot before the gripping stomach pain takes over.

Sometimes the food we’ve scrounged is gross, and we’ve gotten sick from it, but you do what you can to survive.

I hate it like this. I wish I could do more for Sam. Living on the streets is far from ideal, and my only consolation is that Sam hasn’t been hurt by others again, not that there aren’t bad people on the streets either. We need to get out of this, having done this for far too long, but I didn’t know how. I’m still only a kid at seventeen with no education.

When I took him, I only had vague plans about what we would do. I didn’t think far enough ahead to figure out how to get off the streets once we were living on them. But it’s been nearly two years, and here we still are, with no home or job.

Our fingers are threaded together, and I pretend Sam is my boyfriend. His head rests on my shoulder while he’s trying to sleep. The place smells so bad. We stink, too, but at least when we’re outside, it washes away some of our stench. Inside, with so many homeless people, the place is ripe and makes the greasy pizza dough in my stomach turn.

“Promise me you won’t ever leave me?” Sam asks.

“I thought you were sleeping.”

“Promise me.”

“Of course, I promise. I didn’t pull you out of that hellhole and spend two years on the streets just to leave you.”

I won’t ever leave you because I love you. You’re mine. Always mine.

The ache of need for him hurts so much. My stomach clenches, and my heart beats so fast when the overwhelming love for him fills me. I really don’t understand love. Why does it feel so good yet hurt so much? What’s the point of something so wonderful that could be so painful?

“I promise you, too. We will always be together, forever.”

“Forever.” I rested my cheek on his greasy hair. “What brought that on?”

Sam shrugs. “I’m just having a moment.”

“One day, I’ll find a way to get you a home, Sam. A home we can share together. Forever.”

“I’d like that.”

Sam left me.

We promised each other we’d always be together three years ago. Now, he left because of me—because I broke my promise. Why should he keep his when I didn’t keep mine?

I should never have told Alpha about Sam’s past. That was so fucking wrong.

What have I done?

I clawed at my heart and stared at the closed front door for who knows how long, blurred behind tear-filled eyes.

“Come back, Sam.”

I choked on a sob. What would I do without him? I would die. I was being dramatic, but I didn’t care. He was everything to me, half of my soul. Everything I’d done for the past seven years had been for Sam, and I’d ruined everything by betraying his trust.

I wanted… No, I needed to chase after him, but he said he needed to think. The last thing I should do was betray his trust again. But did he really need to think about things? Or did he want to make plans to leave me for good?

No, I had to fix this.

I couldn’t lose him.

I rushed to my room to get dressed before running back out to grab my jacket and board. As soon as I stepped outside, the rain started coming down. Fuck it. I had to find him. Most likely Sam went skating, which was one of the few things he did to calm himself.

After dropping my board onto the sidewalk, I pulled my hoodie underneath my jacket over my head and pushed off to find Sam. I weaved in and out of obstacles on the sidewalk, jumping off and pumping my leg on the asphalt of the road, uncaring that I was getting soaked. There was very little traffic and hardly anyone was walking around in the rain, letting me make good time.

Shit, but what if he headed to the indoor park because of the rain? He preferred the outdoor one, so I planned to check there first. If he wasn’t there, then I’d check the other place. Hell, I’d look for him forever if I had to.

But what if he came back, and I wasn’t home? Would he assume I left? He’d have to come back, right? Even if he intended to leave me, he had everything at the apartment. No, I needed to find him before he ‘thought’ himself right out of my life. I had to make this right.

It all happened in slow motion, exactly like how you imagined it in the movies. I felt nothing other than weightlessness before I landed hard on the street, bone and muscle smacking on the road with the sounds of cracking. The pain suddenly registered in my head, and across my body as bright light flashed behind my eyes.

Then, the darkness consumed me.

I woke up to stabbing light and a throbbing head. The pain tingled down across my entire body. I sought out what didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t find it. My head, back, left leg, and shoulder were the worst.

When I tried to shift, the pain became unbearable, and tears slipped out from my efforts. I’d never been in so much fucking pain in my life. Every time I tried to adjust, so it hurt less, I grew dizzy and nauseous.

“Fuck…”

“Hey, Nach. How are you feeling? It seems like you’re hurting a lot, judging by your facial expression.”

Alpha? I tried to blink my eyes open again, and he came into view. Alpha looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes.

“Wha-what happened?”

“Some prickhead hit you with his car and ran. The police tracked him down and arrested him. Thank fuck, there were cameras nearby that caught the entire thing.”

“S-someone… hit me?”

“Yeah, he ran a red light and tried to stop, but the road was wet. He hit you pretty hard, too. You went flying before you landed. Your new board is broken. I’m sorry. We’ll get you a new one.” Alpha rested his hand on my forearm. “Fortunately, there were witnesses who called 9-1-1 and rushed you to the hospital. Someone on staff reached out to our chat group using your phone.”

The pain and loss of my board were quickly forgotten when I remembered why I was even out there. “Sam?”

“He’s at home.”

“He… came back?”

The relief flooded me so much that I quit hurting for a second before the tears spilled.

Sam came back.

“Yeah, he’s back at your place worried sick for you. I’m sorry, but he won’t step a foot inside here. I understand why, but… no one else understands since we can’t tell them. They’re not happy with him right now, especially knowing how close you two are.”

“It’s not his fault.”

“I know, but they don’t understand that.”

“Poor Sam. Please tell them something simple, and that he can’t help it. I don’t want them upset with him. He’s under enough stress, and I’m sure he’d love to be here if he could.”

Alpha nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been trying to talk some sense into them. They’ll come around.”

Despite knowing why Sam couldn’t step into a hospital, it still hurt. I really needed him right now, to hold his hand and tell him how grateful I was that he hadn’t left me. Did that mean he forgave me?

“Can… I text him?”

“I’ll text him. No phones for you for a while. You’ve got a nasty concussion.”

“He’s going to freak out if he doesn’t hear from me. Even if he’s afraid to step foot inside a hospital, he’s going to worry about me.”

Alpha’s smile was kind and patient. “I’ve been keeping tabs on him and letting him know what’s going on. He knows you’re okay and why you can’t reach out.” He chuckled as he patted my hand. “Look at you. You’ve been seriously injured, and all you can do is worry about Pippin. I think it’s high time you start worrying about you, too.”

Between the worries, fears Sam would leave me, the pain… The tears spilled freely now, and I had to choke back a sob. “He was so angry with me that I told you. I didn’t lie and told him the truth, but he felt so betrayed, and I don’t blame him one bit.”

Alpha sighed and sat on the edge of my bed, grabbing some tissues and dabbing my face and nose. “Look, I get why he’d feel hurt. But he needs help, Nate. You can’t keep taking this all on your own. If it was only ADHD, that’s one thing, but he’s got past trauma, anxiety, probably PTSD, memory loss, and phobias. That’s more than any one person can handle who’s not a professional. No doubt he needs some medication. That’s not something you can take on. I know you love him, and you tried, but it’s non-sustainable emotionally and psychologically. Love doesn’t fix everything. Admittedly, Sam did a great job masking it all. I never noticed beyond his neurodivergence, and I don’t think anyone else has either. I’m sure he could do that, thanks to you, but you two can’t do this forever.”

I shifted again in bed, wincing and groaning at the pain. Fuck, so much pain. “I know, but I tried. He won’t listen. Besides, now that I’m in the hospital… this shit is going to cost more than I make in a year, then to pay for therapy, too? If we could find a free group therapy like what Stix and Stone have, that would be great, but Sam won’t do it.”

“You worry about you. I’ll help with medical bills. I can’t take it all on, but I’ll take most of the burden off of you.”

“I just started on some insurance for work. Maybe they can help… Fuck, what about work?”

“They’re going to have to deal. Stix will talk to them. As for therapy, there are lots of therapists who are just starting their private practice and will work pro bono to build their business. I’ll help you find someone. Seriously, right now, you worry about you. Your body needs time to recover.”

What was it like to focus on only me? I’d been helping Sam for years and years. He was as dependent on me as I was on him. “I’ll try.”

“All of us… your family is going to help you through this and take care of you. They’re all going to chip in. You’ll need to be off your feet for weeks with the concussion. You’ve also got a broken leg, a dislocated shoulder, and a sprained wrist. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t have it worse or internal injuries. However, the concussion is serious shit, Nacho. You don’t mess around with the head, so you’re going to be bedridden for a few weeks at least.”

Fucking hell.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Sam is going to have to pick up some of the slack, too. I’m sure he can do that, but we’ll all be around to help out.”

I was just glad Sam was back with me. That was the only thing important to me.

Nate was in the hospital because of me. He had to be. I ran off, and he ran to find me. I had no idea if it happened that way for sure. Maybe he only headed out to get groceries instead, which led to his accident. While I was a mental fucking mess, I wasn’t stupid. He had to have been looking for me. Why else would he have been out there in the rain? I ran, and he chased after me. That had to be it.

God… and I couldn’t even visit him in the hospital.

I paced our living room, gnawing on my lip ring, twisting my hands together, wishing my feet would fucking move outside that door and go to the hospital. Nate needed me, and I wasn’t there for him.

Sweat gathered in my pits, forehead, and upper lip. My face flushed hot, making me dizzy. I swallowed the rising acidic bile.

“Just go. One step outside. Then another. And another. You go outside all the time.”

Right, but I did it, knowing I was headed to a safe space.

I pulled out my phone and texted Alpha for the hundredth time today.

Me: Is he okay still?

Alpha: Yes, Nacho is fine, Pip.

Me: Is he mad at me?

Alpha: He’s not mad at all. He understands why you can’t be here.

Me: I need to be, but…

Alpha: You don’t need to explain. It’s fine. Nacho will be home in two days.

Me: Okay

Two days would feel like two months without Nate. There would be no holding him in bed, no soothing from my nightmares, no kissing…

The sudden pounding door matched my pounding heart. I rushed to it and looked out the peephole to find Stix and Stone. I opened the door to let them in.

“Come on. We’re here to take you to visit Nacho,” Stix said, walking in and looking around the apartment. We didn’t have our friends over often, and I couldn’t remember the last time Stix had been here.

“I-I can’t.”

Stix frowned and threw his arms up in the air. “I don’t get it. He’s your best friend and now your boyfriend. You two claim you love each other, and you can’t see him? What the fuck, Pip?”

My breath came out in pants as my hands twisted inside each other. I backed away from Stix as if he’d snatch me away and make me go.

Stone rested a hand on Stix’s shoulder to calm him down. “Something’s off, baby. There’s clearly a reason Pippin isn’t visiting Nacho.”

Stix folded his arms and raised a brow at me. “Well? What’s wrong then?”

God, did I want to tell my story all over again? It had been painful the first time, but it wasn’t as bad telling someone I didn’t know as well because I didn’t care if they liked me or not. But Stix and Stone were different. That should’ve been a clear indicator that I needed to see a doctor and that I could talk to them since they were a stranger. If only I could just push past my fear of them.

“It’s… a long story, but Stone’s right. There’s a reason. I have… a phobia of doctors. The anxiety and panic skyrocket at the very thought of seeing one. I can’t breathe… so much sweat. My heart hurts in my chest. I-I…” I slumped on our old couch and ran my hands through my hair before gnawing on my thumbnail. “I want to be there for him so much…”

“Well… fuck,” Stix said, sitting next to me. “I had no idea.”

“No one does. It’s from some… past trauma.”

“Then how did you go to the hospital last time for stitches?”

“They had to sedate me.”

“Well shit. Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked.

I drew my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. “I’m messed up… and I don’t want anyone to know how much. My friends and family are all I have. What if you hate me? Everyone hates me. People get so annoyed and frustrated all the time. I have blanks in my memories… I don’t always think clearly… everything…”

“You’re fine. Right, Nico?” Stone said.

“Yeah, of course, you’re fine. We don’t get annoyed with you. We adore you.”

“That’s because you don’t know all of me. If you did…”

Stix rested a hand on my shoulder. “If we did, nothing would change. Dude, we’re all fucked up.”

Stone sat next to Stix on the sofa and pulled him close. “I used to say the same thing about myself, Pippin. Nico here was the one who saw beyond my broken walls and accepted me. I never felt I deserved it, and I had been such a fucking asshole to him, yet he gave me a chance, anyway.”

I looked up at his hazel eyes and dark hair spilling in his face, hair he used to keep short but had grown out since. “Yeah?”

“Yep. I can talk about my past now because I’ve been in group therapy, but my parents used to abuse me. They were homophobic, too, and took it out on me when they caught me kissing a boy once, but honestly, they’ve always been abusive shits. It really fucked me up, Pip. Nico has really helped with his patience and understanding.”

I thought about what he’d said and nodded. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I… really understand it. Was… therapy scary?”

Stix kissed Stone’s cheek, looking at him as if Stone held the stars up in the sky.

“Yeah, it really was, but Nico was there with me every step of the way, and it helped a lot.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. If Stone could do it, I could, too, right? Maybe. I needed to do fucking something. Changes needed to be made.

“Will you help me get to the hospital?”

The very idea made the nausea roll around and burn a hole in my stomach, but I needed to do this for Nate. He deserved so much more, but I had to at least try.

“Are you sure?” Stix asked.

I nodded. “I want to try.”

Stone leaned over to look at me. “Let me ask you this… Did they hurt you in a hospital or something? Like a hospital where Nate is?”

I shook my head. “No, just when I got stitches, but it was… okay.”

“So, it was just the doctors?”

“Yeah… And the nurses.”

Stix nodded with thoughtful dark eyes, eyes like Nate’s. They were chocolate brown, deep, and intelligent—eyes I needed to see again, to know if Nate was really okay, like Alpha had said. He needed me to be strong.

Choke back the fear for my North Star.

“Hmm… Maybe if you realize you aren’t going to be there to visit a doctor personally. You’re just walking into a building and straight to Nate’s room. That’s it. We can stand guard outside the door and ask the doctors and nurses to stay away for a while,” Stix suggested.

Sometimes my anxiety and panic became so overwhelming that rational thought would leave me drowning in fear, doubts, and insecurity. I often felt like a failure, especially so since I couldn’t be there for Nate. I needed him. He needed me. Could I do this? Maybe.

Stix stood, and Stone followed.

“Use your earbuds with some chill music or something. Would that help?” Stix asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

Wiping my clammy and trembling hands on my sweats, I stood and grabbed my jacket, earbuds, charging case, and phone.

“I know it sounds… pathetic, but will you stay by my side?” I asked them.

Stix wrapped a thin arm around my shoulders. “It’s not pathetic. Of course, we’ll stay with you.”

Stone nodded in agreement.

I can do this. I can do this for Nate.

All three of us hopped on a bus that took us to the hospital, riding in silence. My brain swirled with anxiety, struggling not to go into full panic mode. I wouldn’t do Nate any good if I couldn’t cope. I needed to do better.

First step.

The bus ride was my step one. I got on, sat down, and rode to the hospital. I was still okay. The lo-fi beats I listened to helped a little to keep me calm and focused.

Instead of letting my anxiety take over, I closed my eyes and slowly counted backward from one thousand, hyper-focused on each number in my head. Before I reached four hundred and eighty-one, someone shook my shoulder. My eyes popped open to Stix mouthing something to me, so I tapped an earbud to turn off the sound-canceling.

“We’re here,” he said. “Ready?”

“Okay.”

Second step.

Get off the bus and walk to the hospital building. That was all I had to do. My next goal was to reach the building without letting my anxiety take over.

The day warmed up with the sun shining, lighting away the city gloom. Trees sprouted fresh leaves and blossoms—renewal, beauty, all things positive. But my legs grew heavy and slow, and it was hard to reach my destination despite the uplifting day.

A warm hand grasped mine. I looked down at Stix’s hand, comforting and calloused, holding mine. Nate held my hand a lot, tethering me to the present and keeping me from slipping away.

We stepped up to the sliding doors and paused. No, my feet were cemented to the sidewalk. I had the usual bodily reactions from my fear, but it didn’t incapacitate me. Not yet, anyway. The building just looked ordinary. The facility I’d been in as a kid looked like an old mansion or those old spooky asylums from horror movies. At least, in my mind, it looked that way. Maybe it had been like every other building with just bricks and windows, and my overactive imagination made it into a monstrosity like how my dreams made the staff into demons with poisonous teeth and burnt skin. It didn’t look anything like Johns Hopkins did.

A squeeze on my shoulder forced me to take a step through the doors. Step two is accomplished.

Third step.

Step three came next, and it was the biggest step of all. I had to walk through the halls of unfamiliar sights and smells. It smelled clean yet sick, with hints of stale coffee and food. My earbuds made me nearly deaf to any hospital noises. It helped.

Stix still held my hand, keeping me grounded, but another hand rested in the crook of my elbow. Stone. Stone was cold and why everyone called him Stone. His name was Damien, right? He didn’t seem the type to give comfort, but he did. Stix was my height, but Stone was big and tall. He was comforting and not as scary as I first thought of him. He had no smile on his face, but his hazel eyes turned kind and understanding.

My hand became a clammy mess in Stix’s, but he didn’t let go. I was so grateful for my friends. I couldn’t have done this alone. My ass would still be at home, not helping Nate. God, why hadn’t I opened up to them earlier? Why hadn’t I trusted them enough? I was beyond grateful they proved me wrong.

Nate needs me. Nate needs me.

That became my repeated mantra to keep me moving forward as I slowly walked through the halls and to an elevator. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It hurt so much. My lungs squeezed tight—so tight that deep breathing was a struggle. I couldn’t find air.

A vise pinched my heart and chest. Was this what it felt like to drown? I didn’t enjoy swimming. While we had a harbor, I didn’t like water. I didn’t know how to swim, but I imagined this was what it felt like to fall down, down, down into the fathomless liquid pit, unable to reach the surface—

Squeezes from friendly and comforting fingers kept me pushing through step three and silencing the fears in my head.

When the elevator doors slid open, we stepped into a smaller hall with nurses all over the place. Some were busy. Some watched us. Another smiled as Stix talked to her. I couldn’t hear his words. My vision started to grow dark with all the medical staff wearing scrubs. Similar scrubs to what they wore when I was a kid. They looked the same. All the same. Their faces morphed into blackness and sharp teeth.

They won’t hurt you. They won’t hurt you. Not here.

But my mind was tricky. It loved to torment me during my lowest moments. It talked nasty to me, telling me hateful and scary things. Stix was talking to a nurse, and when she looked at me she stopped smiling, and I took a step back, followed by another.

Stone abruptly stood in front of me, blocking my view of the nurse. His big body distracted me from my spiraling fear.

I told my mind to shut up. That I didn’t know her. She wouldn’t hurt me. Plus, I had friends to protect me. They would never let anything happen to me. No one would take me away and do horrible things to me again. I had a family that cared about me. And Stone was huge. He’d protect me.

Stone tapped on his ear, and I removed the sound-canceling with a tap. “Don’t look at her. She doesn’t matter. She won’t touch you,” he said.

With several deep breaths, I nodded and turned my earbuds back on, bathing me in lo-fi music. Stix and Stone led me toward a closed door, and I stood in front of it, not moving.

Step three was done. I did it. I fucking did it. The hardest part was over, and happiness was on the other side. My Nate. My Polaris. My fucking galaxy.

Fourth step.

The last step was to walk inside Nate’s room. With more confidence than I had earlier, I rested my hand on the doorknob, turned it, and gently pushed it open.

When I walked inside, I found Nate sleeping in the hospital bed, full of wires, bruises, bandages, and a cast on his leg. All my fears washed away with this growing need to be by his side. Closing the door behind me, leaving Stix and Stone to wait outside as sentinels, I grabbed the only chair in the room and pulled it next to Nate’s bed.

He looked so bad and broken… so injured. My eyes watered at the sight, and I took a shuttered breath.

I popped off my earbuds and shoved them into the pocket of my jacket. My ears were filled with some beeping, and Nate was breathing steadily.

I did it. I finally got to be next to my soul mate without running out of there. It hurt, and I was still slightly terrified and a bit ill, but I was strangely proud of myself, too—a rare sensation. My eyes watered from the relief of seeing my Nate alive. He didn’t look so good, but he was alive. If he died, I’d gladly leave this world with him. Who knew if there was an afterlife, but I’d take the risk to be with him for eternity, even if we just turned to dust.

I took his wired hand in mine as I pushed back some matted curls from his face. Home. I was home. Wherever we were, we’d always have a home in each other, no matter what. I became whole again.

Nate’s dark eyes fluttered open, slowly focusing on me. “Am… am I dreaming? Sam?”

“Not a dream. I’m here. It took a lot to get me here, but I did it, Star. It hurt, and I was scared. I’m still scared, but I tried. Stix and Stone helped me, but I made it. I pushed through my fear. I still feel like I’m going to be sick, but…”

He pulled his hand from mine and touched my face. “I’m so fucking proud of you, baby.”

Nate grabbed the hood of my hoodie over my head and pulled me close. “Get in with me.”

“I won’t hurt you?”

He shook his head and bit his trembling lip as his eyes watered.

I climbed in, careful of his wires and injuries. He nuzzled his face next to mine as I gently wrapped an arm around his middle. “I’m so proud of you,” he said again, taking a shuddered breath. “You’re so fucking brave, and I’m so glad you’re here.”

He said nothing else as his body trembled from quiet crying, making my eyes water, too. I kissed his head. “I’m so glad you’re okay. It was so scary when I got that text.”

“I know, baby. I’m so, so sorry I betrayed your trust. Do you forgive me? Please forgive me.”

“Shit, Nate… I’d forgive you for anything. You’re my shining star. My soul mate. Nothing will ever change that.”

After my hospital visit to see Nate, he refused to let me come back, not wanting me to be more stressed out. He explained he’d be home in a couple of days, anyway. It didn’t matter. It stressed me out when I couldn’t visit him, and it stressed me out when I had to. Either way, until Nate came home and back in my arms, I wouldn’t be happy.

Because Alpha was the only one of us who owned a car, he picked up Nate two days later, and I rode with him, but I didn’t go inside the hospital this time. Instead, I stood outside, smoking a cigarette, pacing and chewing on a fingernail as I waited.

It felt like forever by the time they came out with a nurse pushing Nate in a wheelchair as Alpha rushed to the parked car out front to open the door since I just stood there, frozen at the sight of the nurse.

Alpha rushed back to the nurse and took control of Nate’s wheelchair.

“Help me get Nacho in the car, Pip.”

As soon as she left, I put out my cigarette and leaned down to kiss Nate. “Thank fuck, you’re coming home.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Sam.”

Once we got back to our apartment building, Alpha helped me get Nate upstairs, which was slow-going because Nate had to use crutches, and he had to protect his head and wrist. My Star was a mess.

We finally made it and got Nate into his own bed, already exhausted. I sat on the edge, holding his hand and watching him fall asleep.

A gentle tapping on Nate’s door yanked my attention away.

“Can we talk?”

I nodded and reluctantly left Nate’s side and shut his door behind me.

“Listen, Pip… It’s your job now to take care of Nate.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Of course, I understood that. Nate needed help. He needed me. I could do that.

“I’m going to run and get you all some groceries and pick up Nacho’s meds from the pharmacy. But after I’m gone, you’re going to have to take up the slack. He needs to stay in bed. If he gets up, he has to take it slow. No TV. No phones, at least for the next few days, then ease into the screen time. He’s going to be bored, so maybe you can read to him, or you two can play cards or something not overly stimulating…”

Did we have cards? I could buy some if we didn’t. Where did they sell cards? I’d have to look around the apartment first, not wanting to spend unnecessary money. Plus, I didn’t want to leave Nate’s side for so long. Did I even know any card games? I bet Nate did. I wasn’t sure we even played cards before. Were there other games we could play? I sucked at games and always had been. I never remembered the rules. Maybe as a kid, I liked them, but I couldn’t remember.

“Pippin?”

“What?”

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Uhm, you want us to play cards.”

Alpha smiled patiently, but I knew I said something wrong. I missed what he’d said. Shit, how could I make sure Nate was okay if I didn’t listen?

“Yes, cards are fine, but Nacho needs his medicine. The instructions will be on the pill bottles. He has a pain reliever for his broken leg and wrist sprain, but he’s going to have headaches. I’m going to grab some over-the-counter migraine meds.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll write everything down.”

“Sure.”

“And you need to make sure you both are fed. Nothing heavy. He also needs plenty of water.”

“Got it.”

“I’ll be back in about an hour with some food and his meds. And after I leave, you can call any of us if you need help, okay?”

“I will.”

When Alpha walked away, a knot formed in my stomach. Could I remember all that? I wasn’t a caregiver. That was all Nate. He did everything. Almost everything. While he was gone at the hospital or work, sometimes I’d even forget to eat. But I had to do this for Nate.

As he slept, I sat at the kitchen table with a pen and my notebook and jotted down all that I needed to remember from what Alpha had said. Afterward, I made little sticky notes. When he returned, I’d ask him if I got everything right in my notes.

I had to do this. Nate needed me.

In the first week, Nate slept a lot and would wake up only to eat or go to the bathroom. The dizziness and headaches hit him a lot, so remembering to give him his meds wasn’t hard. By the second week, he was up and about more, and we eased him into watching some TV if his head wasn’t hurting too much.

Getting him in the shower had been difficult with his broken leg, sprained wrist, and head issues, so it’d been easier for me to shower with him. I had no idea I could cover up his cast, but he did. He knew everything. He remembered everything, but I think I did pretty good helping him.

I ended up loving to wash his hair, running my fingers along his scalp, careful of the swelling still present on the back of his head. There was hair missing there from when the hospital staff shaved it, but it was growing back.

When I got him dry and in bed, he’d smell like his familiar lime, coconut, and all things Nate. I would lay next to him and inhale him all night.

I slept very little, keeping a close eye on him to make sure I didn’t miss anything. My thoughts were all over the place and disorganized, but if I lay next to him and curled my fingers in his hair, I focused a little better.

We’d just finished dinner, and Nate fell asleep again. I lay in bed next to him, gently dragging my fingers across his forehead and through his curls. They were getting long. He needed a haircut, but I liked them. Nate hated them in his face all the time, but he kept some length for me and my need to be soothed. Maybe when he felt better, I would take him to the barber.

I loved his lashes. They were thick, fanning out on his face. His eyes fluttered from a dream, and his full lips were slightly parted. He was so beautiful, at least to me—as perfect as a star should be.

Those dark eyes of his blinked open, catching me staring. He smiled, not caring that I was being creepy. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Did I sleep long?”

“Nah, only for about thirty minutes.”

“You need sleep, Sam. I’m always tired still, but it’s getting better.”

“It’s fine. You should sleep. Sleep heals.”

He huffed a laugh and snuggled in closer. I wrapped an arm around him and kissed his head. “This sucks. I miss fooling around with you.”

“Your wellness is more important.”

“I’ll be fine. Just laying here is boring.”

I suddenly thought of cards. I’d bought several packs, just in case. “We can play a card game.”

He chuckled. “I don’t know any card games, except like Go Fish.”

“Have I ever played that?”

“Maybe when you were a kid. It’s a child’s game. I played it when I was little with my foster siblings.”

Nate rolled over onto his side and faced me, ran a hand through my hair, then trailed his fingers down my face. I loved his touch. It was everything. It was love, home, consistency, and stability.

“Foster care sucked for the most part, but sometimes the kids could be fun and nice. We’d go to the park or play board games and video games. Every once in a while, I almost felt like a normal boy with a loving family. Strangely, the hardest homes had been the ones where the foster parents were the nicest to me, giving me a comforting home and good food. Those were the ones I tried my best to be a good boy and to get them to love me. I wanted to stay so much.”

I furrowed my brows, not understanding. Good food and a nice home were way better than what we had left. Wasn’t abuse worse? “Why?”

“Because I couldn’t stay. When I had to go to a new home, I felt like I was being ripped away from them. I’d have to remind myself that they didn’t want me. No one ever did. Eventually, I stopped hoping. My expectations sat at an all-time low.”

“I want you,” I said, hoping my words made him feel better.

“It’s why I love you and need you so much. You’re the only one who’s ever wanted me.”

“Same. No one has ever wanted me but you. My parents may have wanted me once, but not the way I was. They wanted to shape me and mold me into something unrecognizable. But you want me, too, right? As I am?”

He smiled and kissed my lips. “Always as you are. I love how you are.”

“Nate… do you ever want to learn about your parents to find out why you ended up in foster care?”

He sighed and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. “For the longest time, I was angry that they abandoned me without a reason or a word. Maybe they had a reason, but I never found out what it was, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. Being constantly abandoned takes its toll. It’s better to harden yourself to the loss. It was the only way to get through foster care.”

“I don’t understand. You’re not hard at all. You’re kind, and good, and patient.”

Nate rolled his head to the side to smile at me. “Only for you and our friends. Fuck everyone else.”

“I don’t believe that.” Not for one second. Nate wasn’t hateful at all. He didn’t have the hard edges like Stone, Ajax, or Cueball. My star was soft, tender, and sweet. He was filled with all the good one person could have.

“Honestly, now that you’ve asked, I’m wondering if I should. I’m not in foster care anymore, and I’m not alone anymore, but I’m still not sure I want to know their reasons.”

I rested my head on his shoulder and reached across him to snag on a curl, twirling it in my fingers. “Why?”

“What if…”

“What if what?”

He breathed out a long sigh. “What if they have another family with other kids they want and just didn’t want me at all? That would be the worst, I think.”

I could imagine. My own parents were horrible, and I really hoped they didn’t have more kids after me. As I grew up in foster care, I never once wanted to go back to them, no matter how bad it had gotten. It was still better than conversion therapy. Hell, Nate and I survived the streets, which was better than that. All that fear was too much.

“Do you wonder about your parents?” he asked, as if reading my mind.

“No. I don’t care about them.”

“Good. Abusers do not deserve our love or regrets. Their failings are not our fault.”

“Thank you for that.”

“I know how you are, Sam, always internalizing everyone else’s issues.”

I loved how Nate gave me validation. “If you ever want to find your parents, I’ll go with you and help you.”

“Thank you, baby. I love you for that. And thank you for taking care of me. You’ve been fucking amazing.”

I rolled over onto my back and rubbed my face. “God, I’ve been fucking up so much. I forget things all the time. The apartment was getting really messy, so I’d start to clean it before I came across something interesting, distracting me. Then I’d forget to finish cleaning. I also forgot to go grocery shopping once and only remembered when I realized I hadn’t fed you… I’m just a mess.”

“Stop it. You’ve been the best.”

“Only because I had to get help. But Alpha set me up with this cool app that helps me keep track of tasks and has alarms. It’s helped. I’ve been writing tons of notes, too. The apartment is covered in them.”

His smile was broad. “Killing trees one note at a time, eh?”

I snorted a laugh. “You could say that.”

“Hey, whatever works for you, Sam. I’m just telling you what I see on my end. I don’t see you struggling, but helping me when I’m at my worst. I’m going to say it again. You’re fucking amazing, baby, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”

I didn’t feel amazing, and I rarely saw what Nate saw in me, but he wouldn’t lie to me either.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“Good, that’s all I ask. Trust me.”

My stretch was long and hard, untangling knots in my muscles I was too young for, the drawback of being bedridden for so long. I was twenty-one going on fifty-one, or so it felt. Except that I woke up with morning wood. It had been a while since I did that. Pain and the meds had killed my libido.

With my eyes still closed, I rubbed my cock and thrust a little at my palm. I hadn’t intended to jack off with Sam sleeping next to me, but I just needed some friction before I got up to take a piss.

As I continued to pump myself languidly, my eyes popped open when a hand suddenly grasped mine and tossed it off my dick.

“Mine,” Sam said. “Fuck if you’re going to play with yourself. I’ve been waiting for weeks to have you. I get dibs, not your fucking hand.”

I snorted a laugh, but his hovering over me and ripping my underwear off and over my cast, growling, quickly sobered me up. He fucking growled at me. My dick pulsed at the sound. I’d never seen him so aggressive before.

“Whoa there, tiger…” I laughed again.

“Tiger this.” He flipped me the fucking bird, making me laugh harder. God, it felt good. The best way to wake up.

He stood, quickly stripped off his clothes and sat between my legs, grabbing my cock at the base. He tugged on it a few times, practically drooling as he looked at it. “I know this isn’t like me, but fuck… I’ve been dying for this dick. Do you have any idea how hard it is to touch you and sleep next to you without actually having you?”

Said dick pulsed and throbbed at his words. I loved this side of Sam. “Yes, every day when we were only friends.”

He eyed me with steel green eyes. “Truth.” He looked back down at my cock. “Shit, look at you leak. Hot.”

His tongue swiped over my tip, and my back arched off the bed. “Fuck!”

“So good… I miss your taste.”

I spread my legs as I thrust deeper into his warm and wet mouth. “God, baby… more. I’m not gonna last long.”

He popped off and smirked. “Good. We’ll go slower later. Right now, I’m just hungry for you.”

Sam shoved a finger in his mouth, sucking on it. When he pulled it out, it left behind a long trail of saliva. He spread my cheeks with one hand and inched his wet finger inside my hole. “Uh… yes. Shit… more. Oh god…”

He thrust it in and out for a while before he attacked my dick again, sucking me like a goddamn straw. Once he pushed his finger in deeper and hit that soft spot, I fucking blew. My back leaped off the bed, and I clung to the sheets underneath me to keep from floating away while crying out.

My climax came out of nowhere. I’d never nutted that fast in my life.

“Shit, shit, shit…” I panted over and over.

My body shuddered from the aftershocks as my mind shorted out for a moment. Once I came back online, all my muscles and skin went numb.

“That was…” I couldn’t find the words to save my life.

Sam sat up, pressed his lips to mine, and shoved his tongue in my mouth, allowing me to taste myself, which was oddly hot.

“Best BJ ever,” I said when he pulled away.

Before I got a chance to reciprocate, he pulled out his cock, still wearing his underwear, spit in his hand, and stroked himself over my stomach.

“Don’t you want me to help you with that?”

“No,” he breathed. “No time.”

Watching him masturbate over me was fucking sexy as hell. His muscles rippled, and his mouth hung open, staring at his cock, waiting for the expected load to dump on me.

Sam growled again and threw his head back as he came all over me, spattering my chest, and some even hit my chin. Once he finished, he fell on me and groaned with his face in my throat. “God, that was fucking nice. I really needed that.”

I chuckled. “You should’ve let me handle that for you.”

“Too impatient.”

I snorted a laugh. “Apparently.”

After we got cleaned up, it was back to reality.

A cast still held my leg bones together, but the doctors said it was okay for me to move around more, watch TV, and play on my phone regularly. I’d been bored as fuck the past three weeks, and as much as I wanted to cheat, my headaches kept me from doing much. The doctors told me to expect lingering headaches for several more weeks and up to a year. It fucking sucked, but it was out of my control.

In two days, I had to go back to work, crutches and all, which was fine. I needed to be earning some money again. The gratefulness I felt that this small store allowed me to recover instead of firing me was overwhelming, and I became fiercely loyal to them. Stix probably helped with that, but still, they could’ve said tough shit.

Regardless, it was tiring, but sacrifices had to be made. It was the way of life, which was never easy and probably never would be.

While I’d recovered, Sam had been great. Did he struggle, forget, or overbuy at the store? Sure. But fuck if he didn’t try his best to do most of it on his own.

My being overbearing hit me squarely in the face. If I’d only let up a little bit of my control. I did sometimes, but Sam could do more on his own. I hadn’t been trying to be controlling, just protective. Looking at it from a different perspective, I recognized how I prevented him from being too independent. Despite all his trauma, he was resilient. Hell, he even fought his demons to visit me at the hospital.

Fuck, I loved him.

We sat at the kitchen table, eating sandwiches for lunch. Sam scrolled on his phone, oblivious to my staring. His red strands fell in his face, and he kept brushing them away. Then he’d wipe a crumb away from his mouth. Watching him never got old.

“Sam?”

“Hmm?”

“Look at me.”

He glanced up from his phone with his bright green eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

His brows scrunched, probably reaching into his memory banks for something I may have done.

“I thought I was protecting you, but it turned into control. You’re so strong and brave. It seems like I don’t give you enough credit for that.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I run everything, from bills to grocery shopping to making you lists, but you don’t need help for everything. Yeah, you help out, but it’s like I kept doing these things more for me than for you. I figured that if I took good care of you, you’d never leave me, and I didn’t want you stressed out. I see that now. I’ve been… overbearing.”

“But I like it. You set routines I can understand and help me to remember things. It makes me feel… safe and cared for. You’re not harming me, if that’s what you think.”

“Yeah, you forget sometimes, but so what? I just…”

Sam put down his sandwich and grabbed my hand resting on the table. “It works for us. I don’t want things to change. It’s… been hard enough with you working more.”

I nodded. “Okay. I just want you to know how amazing you are. And if you need more space, please tell me.”

His smile grew and turned crooked. “So are you. Neither of us is perfect, Nate. I really struggle with grasping that sometimes. I don’t always see myself in a good light, but that doesn’t make us any less special… for each other. Maybe others don’t see what we do, but we fit and work well together, like little machine parts that spin and move in sync, so everything works properly. Some bits might be rusted or worn, but the machine continues to move with some love and maintenance.”

I chuckled. He had such an awesome way of seeing the world. “That’s a good way to look at it. Thanks, Sam, for always being you.”

I chugged down some apple juice as Sam went back to scrolling his phone. “I’m going to text Alpha for help in finding my parents.”

“Okay.” Sam stood and pulled the chair next to me. “Let’s do this.”

Me: Can you do me a favor?

Alpha: Of course, anything.

Me: I want to find my parents, but I don’t know how.

Alpha: You sure?

Me: Yeah.

Alpha: We can do an online search for your birth certificate and get your parents’ names from there, and social services may still have your records.

Me: Any help you can give me.

A second later, my phone rang. “Hey.”

“Is there a reason you want to reach out to them or to find them now?” Alpha asked. “I want to make sure you’re certain because you may regret it. Sometimes there’s truth in that old saying, ‘ignorance is bliss.’”

“Yeah, it’s what has held me back for so long, but I think I’m ready now. I’ll accept whatever the truth is. I’ve felt abandoned by them for so long. Right now, I just want to know who they are. Then I’ll decide if I want to approach them or not, especially after being in the hospital, where they asked me about all my health history, and I wasn’t able to tell the doctors anything. So, at least I can get some history from them.”

“Alright. Let’s find your parents.”

It took nearly a month to get a copy of my birth certificate and the rest of my records from foster care. The process took so long that I almost gave up wanting to even try reaching out.

Now, Sam sat next to me as we scanned my birth certificate. The piece of paper told me nothing other than my name, place of birth, sex, birth date, and my parents’ names.

Mother: Ines Hidalgo

Father: Isaiah Lamont

“Aw, you were six pounds and two ounces. Hard to believe you were so small,” Sam said, resting his chin on my shoulder from behind so he could read everything with me.

I snorted a laugh and rolled my eyes. “Shut up. I know I’m short.”

He kissed my cheek. “You’re perfect and adorable.”

I opened up the file of photocopies of all the paperwork social services had on me since I went into the system as an infant.

“Fuck, my mother was fifteen when she had me, and my father was sixteen. Jesus.”

With a deep breath, I kept reading about my origin story. My eyes instantly stopped at the word ‘death.’ “She died a week after having me.”

“I’m so sorry, Nate.”

“I’m… not sure how I feel about that since I have no attachment to her at all, but still, it really does close that door.”

“What about your dad?”

I kept reading. “He…”

He abandoned me.

My stomach twisted despite knowing the truth. “Uhm, it just says he forfeited his parental rights. He struggled to take care of me.”

“Fuck, Nate. That really sucks.”

“It’s fine. I understood the chances of that happening were high. If he couldn’t take care of me, then he couldn’t. He was only sixteen and just a kid himself, and my mother had died. I guess I understand.”

“But it doesn’t hurt any less.”

I looked back at Sam, loving how he understood me so well and validated my feelings. “Yeah, it still kind of stings.”

“Do you… want to find him now that you know who he is?”

“I’m not sure. He could’ve found me all this time, right?”

“Maybe. But you can at least find some details about his life.”

“I guess. I should probably think about it more before I do anything.”

Sam pulled me onto his lap and hugged me. I rested my head on his. “Whatever you choose, I’m here.”

“Thanks, baby.”

Part of me wanted to know my father. To at least look him in the eye and see if he had any remorse or if he no longer cared, if ever.

It took some digging, but I’d managed to find my father’s phone number. Now to get the guts to call him.

Sam and I headed to a playground nearby since the day was really nice and warm, being in the middle of spring. It felt like a good, neutral place to call him. For some reason, I wasn’t comfortable calling him from my home. Plus, it was nice to get out since I’d been cooped up for weeks inside our stale apartment.

The playground was empty since the kids were at school, so Sam and I sat on some swings, smoking as I held my phone, staring at the blank screen as if it had offended me somehow.

“You don’t have to do this.”

I nodded. “I know, but I also need to. What if I don’t and always wonder what he was like? Or what if he dies like my mother and another door closes, with me never learning anything about them?”

“Do you intend to reunite with him?”

“I… haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“If I had a chance to call my parents, or even wanted to, I’d tell them how much I hated them for putting me through that torture. Then, I’d probably ask if they even missed me or cared. Did they feel guilty for being so cruel? Hell, when I ran, did they look for me? Did they just let me go? Did they… cry or regret what they’d done? Did they—”

“Do you want to find them?”

Sam scowled and shook his head. “Fuck no. I hate them. I have enough closure. Plus…”

I looked up at him, staring out across the playground full of dead grass, yet the trees and shrubs were full of fresh leaves. The chain-link fencing was rusted. The entire vibe was one of depression and hope. It was weird, yet I related to it somehow.

“Plus, what?”

“There’s a lot of fear. What if they force me to go back to that place? What if…”

“They can’t legally. You’re an adult now, Sam, but I get why you’re afraid. I would be, too.”

Sam grabbed the chain of my swing and pulled me close to him. He pressed his head to mine before giving me a short but encouraging kiss. “You can do this, but only if you want to.”

“Let’s do it.”

I dialed my father’s number, and it rang three times before a deep voice answered the other line.

“Hello?”

“Is… Is this Isaiah Lamont?”

“Are you sure you want to come, Sam?”

He scoffed at me. “As if I would let you meet your dad alone.”

Sam never stopped amazing me. “But the diner will be loud and busy.”

He visibly swallowed as his Adam’s apple bobbed. “I know. I’ll use my earbuds if I need them. It’s not like we haven’t been to the diner before.”

“Right, but we usually go when it’s the least busy.”

“I can do this so I can be there for you.”

I grabbed his face and pulled him into a languid kiss full of tongue. Shit, we really needed to have sex again, and soon.

“You are always there for me.”

He ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the nape of his neck, then started to pace, the nerves oozing off him. “I ah… called Alpha. We talked yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“I’m going to try, Star. He’s going to find me a pro-bono therapist… to talk to me through video conference.”

My stomach flipped as a rush of warmth spread over my skin. “And you think you aren’t brave? Holy shit, Sam… this is huge! I’m so proud of you.”

I forced him to stop pacing and pulled him into a hug. He tangled his fingers in my curls, holding me tight. “It’s so fucking scary.”

“I know, baby.”

“But I want to do this… for us.”

“No, you do this for you. I love you just as you are, but I also want you to stop hurting.”

“I want to stop hurting, too.”

Thank god. Finally. Sam needed to be happy. He deserved it, but I could only do so much.

“Now, let’s go see your dad.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I said as Sam and I stopped in front of the old diner where Stix’s mom worked, though I wasn’t sure if she worked today or not. Maybe I should’ve called and checked. Having another familiar face there would help.

Our crew came here a lot, even if it was just for coffee, so this place was familiar territory.

My father planned to drive up from Bethesda to meet us here. It took me a few weeks to get the courage to do this. At least my cast was finally off, and I could walk like my old self again.

“What if he doesn’t show? Fuck, what if he does show?” I mumbled.

“He’ll show. He seemed excited to hear from you.”

“Yeah.” Sam wasn’t wrong. My father had sounded surprised, to say the least, but he seemed eager to talk and meet with me. Hell, meeting me had been his idea. He didn’t seem like the kind of person to abandon his kid, but what did I know? I had wonderful foster parents who dumped me back into the system.

Sam and I stepped inside hand-in-hand. The familiar smells of sugar, coffee, and breakfast food were welcoming, easing my pounding heart a little. We both looked around the restaurant. Was he here yet?

“Uhm, is Grace Jamieson working today?” I asked the hostess.

The young blonde girl smiled and nodded. “Yes, would you like a seat in her section?”

I nodded. “Yes, please.”

“Nate? Sam?” asked the familiar voice as the hostess grabbed a couple of menus.

“Hi, Ms. J.!” Sam and I said at the same time.

She was carrying a heavy tray full of breakfast foods, but had a smile on her face before looking at the hostess. “Sit them at my station, would you, Janice?”

“Sure thing,” she said.

When we sat at a small booth, Sam sat next to me, putting in his earbuds as I quickly texted a message to my father to tell him I’d arrived and where we were seated.

Ms. J stopped at our table, slightly out of breath and brushing stray fallen hairs from her face. “Now, what can I get you boys?”

“I’m not sure I can eat,” I said.

“Oh? Why’s that? What’s wrong, honey?”

“I’m… meeting my father for the first time.”

Her dark brown eyes grew wide as she scanned the restaurant before sitting down across from us. “What’s happened?”

I shrugged. “Nothing… I just thought it was time and shit… sorry.”

“Let me know if I can do anything or if you need to talk. I have to get back to work, but I wish you the best of luck, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Ms. J. I guess I’ll have a Coke and the nachos.”

“You got it.”

Sam smiled at her and waved, so I nudged him to order.

“Oh, I’d like your American breakfast and orange juice.”

“Sounds good.”

She walked off, and Sam put his earbuds back in. He’d take them out when my father got here. When he grabbed my hand under the table, my breathing settled.

My knee bounced as I kept scanning the front of the restaurant, which had a clear view of the door. My breathing and heart stopped when a man in his thirties walked in. I knew deep down it had to be him. I squeezed Sam’s hand, and he looked up at the man approaching us.

He was slightly darker than me, and while I didn’t look a lot like him, we definitely shared the same eyes and full mouth. His tight black curls were shaved low to the scalp, but he wore a short beard. Though he was taller and broader than me, I definitely saw myself in him with a weird sense of familiarity.

“Jesus… you… you look just like her,” he said.

His eyes watered, and his lip trembled, looking uncertain as to what to do. I had no emotional attachments toward the man I barely recognized, but his emotions pulled them out of me, anyway.

He quickly swiped his face. “Can I sit?”

Sam removed his earbuds and squeezed my hand, staying quiet. I nodded and introduced him to Sam.

The air was heavy with awkwardness as we sat in silence before Stix’s mom came up and took his order of just coffee.

“I… never thought I’d ever see you again,” my father finally said. “Biggest fucking regret of my life…” He choked back a sob and scoffed, looking around the restaurant with slumped shoulders. “Maybe this place is too public for a meeting like this.”

“Why?” I blurted.

He furrowed his thick brows and nodded. “Yeah, you deserve that. Uhm, your mama—”

“Is dead. I know.”

He nodded again. “Sepsis. She got it after we got home from the hospital. She had a really high fever, was shaking, and struggled to breathe. I rushed her to the emergency room, and the doctors tried to save her, but she died anyway.”

So they had brought me home first. That didn’t look like abandonment at first glance.

“You arrived in this world a bit early, but you were healthy beyond that. Your mama and I were so damn young. Too young for sex. Too young to have a child… But you know, we were teens and thought we had the world all figured out.”

Ms. J returned with our food and his coffee before eyeing Isaiah again with a protective vibe, but walked away, saying nothing.

“I loved your mama as teens might. When we learned we were having a baby, I wanted to do the right thing. I put in more hours at work while trying to keep up my grades at school. She took on work, too… God, our parents had been furious with us, but we were determined to keep you and do the best we could. Your mama wanted you so much. I did, too, but mostly, I just tried to step up and be a man.”

My eyes watered, and some tears slipped. To hear those words shattered my view of my parents. To learn that they might have cared about me once… I didn’t know if that was a relief or if it hurt more.

“My parents were assholes. They hurt me, and it really messed me up. Nate here has been amazing and has taken really good care of me… sorry, this isn’t about me… Anyway, I just mean Nate’s great. Sorry…” Sam slouched and frowned at himself.

“Thanks, baby,” I said.

Isaiah scanned Sam for a bit before looking back at me, probably noticing for the first time how closely we sat together.

Sam’s hand started to get really clammy like mine, and his fingers trembled a bit, so I leaned in to whisper. “You can eat and put your earbuds in. I’ll fill you in later. You being here is enough, okay?”

He bit his bottom lip and nodded. Once his earbuds were in, he started to scarf his eggs and hash browns.

“Is he a friend, or…?”

“Sam is my forever person… My best friend, foster brother, and boyfriend.”

He nodded and looked at Sam again. “I’m glad you have someone in your life like that.”

I had no idea how tight my muscles were until he spoke those words that completely lacked judgment.

Isaiah’s long fingers spun his untouched coffee mug around on the table while my food got cold. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d passed up a plate of nachos. I’d have to bring it home, not wanting to waste our money.

He exhaled a shuddered breath. “Your mama lay there in the hospital bed, unmoving, still looking alive, as I held your tiny little body swaddled in blankets in my arms, only a week old. The grief hit me so fucking hard, along with a hefty dose of fear. Her mother wailed in the room while her father cried silently in a dark corner… your grandparents… fucking bastards.”

I looked up at him with the venom in his voice. “What?”

“Look… Nathaniel—”

“Nate.”

“Nate… I fucked up, okay? We both did, but we really tried to keep you and do the right thing… but our parents? Nah, they were all about the ‘you made your bed’ attitude and refused to help. All of them wanted Ines… Inny, to get an abortion or give you up for adoption.”

I’d often wondered if I would’ve been better off if I’d never been born, but then I’d met Sam, and for once in my life, I didn’t feel so alone.

“S-so you gave me up?”

His dark eyes looked at me, so full of pain and guilt, forcing me to glance away. I didn’t want to understand how much he hurt. He still let me go.

“Not at first. I took you back home with me after Inny had died. God, your mama had left us, and I was so clueless about how to raise an infant on my own. I needed to work and go to high school, barely scraping any money together with no help from anyone. I got this shitty month-to-month apartment that didn’t care about my age. I lived right here in Baltimore, and I did my best, but… I was only a kid myself, Nate. Maybe things would’ve been different had Inny lived. If I dropped out of school, I’d never get a decent-paying job to even pay for daycare, which was so expensive and more than what I’d earned, and I could barely afford the formula to feed you.”

His tears spilled freely, uncaring as he stared into his cold coffee. Mine did, too. Sam had quit eating and simply held me with his protective arm around my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say. It all fucking hurt. Maybe I would’ve been better off never knowing. But perhaps I could finally find some closure. Even worse? I didn’t hate him for it when I wanted to. Anger would’ve been better than the anguish I felt.

“I gave up my rights to you in hopes you’d find parents who could raise you better and give you all that you needed to thrive. Those parents could give you a home, a yard to play in, maybe a fucking dog… All the things I couldn’t. I couldn’t even take care of myself. I was grieving, and you were always crying… yeah, infants cry and are hungry all the time, but I knew you were missing your mama. You had to be. You’d been a part of her for eight months, hearing her laugh, talk, and sing to you.”

Isaiah wiped his face again and abruptly stood, nearly spilling his coffee. “I… I need some air.” He dropped a twenty and a ten-dollar bill on the table before walking off.

Sam removed an earbud. “What just happened?”

“He’s upset. Fuck. Do I go after him? Let him go?”

I wanted to chase him. Maybe I didn’t want that closure after all, but to start on a new road. Isaiah was the only parent I’d ever had, despite never being in my life except when I was an infant. He clearly struggled with this, and his regret and pain were evident in his words, his face, and his tears.

“That’s up to you.”

“Shit… Okay. I’m going. Do you want to come with me or do you want to stay? It’s fine either way.”

“I’ll finish eating and box up your lunch. Get some alone time with your dad. I’ll be out shortly.”

I stood and quickly kissed Sam before running after Isaiah. I’d half expected to chase him down the street, but he was out front, leaning against the building and rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands before pulling out a pack of smokes and lighting up.

“Did your life ever improve?” I asked.

Everything hinged on his answer. What he said here on out would determine whether I would continue to speak with him and get to know him or abandon him, too.

“What?”

“Did things get better after me?”

“I, ah, graduated high school and went on to community college. I work as an electrician. It pays the bills, but I’m not rich by any means.”

“So, you could’ve gotten me back later?”

His broad shoulders sagged, and he shook his head. “Unfortunately, no. I forfeited my rights as a parent. The system doesn’t take too kindly to abandonment, even if it had been necessary or out of desperation. They wouldn’t have given you back to me. They made that abundantly clear. About ten years ago, I started asking around, but everyone told me to forget it, that I didn’t stand a chance.”

With a deep sigh, he turned to face me, leaning his shoulder against the building. “I attempted to look for you anyway when you were eighteen, but there was no trace. I figured I could find you on the internet somehow. There was nothing. I took it as a sign that I didn’t deserve to find you. You probably wouldn’t have wanted me in your life, anyway. So, I just gave up. I never did remarry or have more kids, feeling like I didn’t deserve them.”

My father actually tried to look for me. That meant something.

He took a long drag of his cigarette and exhaled a plume of smoke. “I can’t tell you I would do things differently, Nate. I was really struggling, but the hardest decision I’d ever made in my life was handing you off to someone else with barely a smidgen of hope that you were better off. Not only did I lose your mother, but I lost you.”

“No one ever wanted me. No new parents or a dog.” I didn’t tell him to make him feel worse, but he needed to understand that it hadn’t been easy for me. It was clear that no matter what had been decided, I would’ve struggled. But I would’ve had a parent had he not given me up. Yet I would never have found Sam. It was difficult to wrap my head around.

“Dammit… I thought people wanted infants, and you were such a beautiful baby. I’m so fucking sorry, Nate… for everything. I’m not asking you to forgive me. Hell, I barely forgive myself, but…” He took another drag of his cigarette and blew out a long stream of smoke. “Now that I’ve met you finally, I just wondered…”

With a deep breath, I exhaled. “Okay.”

His eyes grew wide. “Okay?”

“Yeah, we can get to know each other.”

Another tear slipped down his face, and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. “Thank you,” he whispered.

He dug in the front pocket of his jeans and pulled out his wallet. Inside was a worn photo, and he handed it to me. “That’s your mother. You can have it, if you want. She loved you and wanted you, Nate. We both did.”

My hands shook as I took in her image, feeling a strange sort of grief over someone I’d never even met. The grief was probably more from never getting a chance to meet her.

She was at school on the floor next to the lockers, doing schoolwork with her friends. Her notebook sat on her lap, and a textbook lay open on the floor. She had a big smile on her face as she looked at the camera under thick lashes. She was beautiful. Isaiah was right. I looked just like her, from her thick, curly hair that was dark brown like mine but much longer. My eyes and mouth were his, but I had her sharper features and shorter stature.

Isaiah stood straight and grabbed the keys from his pocket. “Can I give you and Sam a ride home?”

“We’ll skate home.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

We stood there for an awkward moment before he started to walk away, but then he stopped and turned. “Call me sometime.”

“I will.”

“I’m so grateful I finally got to meet you, Nate. You look good, so handsome… so much like her.”

With that, he was gone.

Sam’s strong arms wrapped around me from behind, pulling me back against his chest, had pulled the tears out of me. The sudden burst of emotions grew suffocating, a two-hundred-pound weight on my chest. I turned to face him as he gathered me in his arms. My fingers clung to his back as I sobbed, uncaring if it was in public.

“It’s going to be okay, Star. We’ll talk about this at home, but… are you going to see him again?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“He looks like he’s hurting.”

“He is.”

“Good. Even if his intentions were pure, you still suffered.”

And there was not a damn thing we could do about it except to move forward or move on.

Nate sat on the couch with his legs crossed over each other, resting on our makeshift coffee table with his head back and eyes closed. He’d been like that for a good hour, lost in thought after he met with his dad today. He wasn’t napping because he kept checking his phone.

What could I do to make Nate feel better? Did he feel bad? Or was he just lost in thought? I wanted to do something for him. I itched to do something as I paced in the kitchen, watching him.

Would he like to skate? No, if so, he’d be out there by now. Maybe we could find something to watch on TV. Nah, he’d already be watching it if he wanted.

Then it hit me.

With clenched fists and a deep breath, I walked over to Nate, lifted his feet, and put them on the floor. His eyes popped open, looking at me curiously. “What’s going on?”

Without saying a word, I spread his legs apart and dropped to my knees. I grabbed his face and pulled him into a kiss.

Our eyes slid closed as Nate moaned into my mouth. His warm and soft tongue explored my mouth. Kissing him was the best, even better than sex. Sex was amazing, and I loved it, but kissing Nate was everything. It was ownership filled with promises and vows. When I imagined being with him all those years, I usually envisioned us kissing. We would be lying in bed, holding each other, and just making out as our hands traveled across our naked bodies.

His skin was always so smooth, smoother than mine, with less hair. He had three moles on the inside of his left thigh and one on his right thigh, tucked close to his sac. I’d only discovered them once while I sucked him down.

Nate pulled away, gasping for air. His lips glistened with saliva, and they tugged at the corners into a smile. “What was that for?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“Nah.”

I slid my hands under his T-shirt to touch that smooth skin of his, running my hands across the expanse of his chest, fingers dancing over his nipples.

I pushed up his shirt and yanked it over his head. My hands continued to map out every inch of him. I was still in awe that we were together now more than best friends, and it wasn’t a dream or fantasy. I would never take it for granted.

“I love your skin,” I whispered.

His hands landed on mine, moving with me.

“I love you touching me.”

Nate pushed my hands down around his waist. “Remove my pants and underwear.”

My stomach fluttered at his command. I untied his sweats and pulled them down, exposing the bulge in his underwear. I tugged on the waistband, and Nate lifted his ass so I could pull them off. Once his sweats were on the floor, I ran my hands along his lean legs, up his thighs, and to his swollen cock. His underwear was light gray, and you could see the spot of pre-cum leaking through it. I licked my lips at the sight.

“Remove them,” he said.

My fingers dug into the elastic band and pulled his boxer briefs off, tossing them to the floor with his sweats.

“Go to my room and grab the lube.”

“But I want to—”

“Get it now. I want to have it ready because after you suck me off, I’m going to have you.”

“You’re going to fuck me?”

He nodded slowly. “Yes.”

I loved this side of Nate. He wasn’t a bossy person, and when he controlled the sex or blow jobs, he used to blush. Now, he looked at me with dark and determined eyes filled with confidence as my heart filled with love and trust.

My stomach dipped again with a thrill as I stood and rushed off to grab the lube.

I found it in the side table drawer, brought it back, and sat on my knees again.

“Now what? Tell me what you want, Star.”

“Take my cock in your hand and lick the tip.”

I fisted his hot shaft, held it upright, and leaned forward, swiping my tongue over his glistening red head. The salty bitterness burst on my tongue, and I savored it while Nate closed his eyes and moaned.

“Please watch me, Star.”

“Fuck,” he muttered and ran a hand through my hair. “You’re so beautiful, baby, and gorgeous between my legs, as if you’re worshiping my cock.”

“I am worshiping it.”

He grabbed a fistful of my hair and pushed my head down. “Suck me, but don’t make me come. I want to do that inside you.”

I gasped a breath as my cock pulsed in my jeans, desperate for relief, but it needed to wait. Nate needed my full attention.

After licking him a few times, I eased his dick into my mouth as far as it would go, and Nate pushed my head down more, making me gag around him. I didn’t have much of a gag reflex, but this pushed my limits. I popped off for breath, but attacked his cock again with more determination.

My hand tightened around his length as I bobbed my head. I still wasn’t sure if I was any good at blowing him, but Nate never complained.

“Tug on my nuts…”

I grabbed his balls and gently pulled on them as I continued to suck him down, teasing his head with my tongue.

“God, your fucking mouth is amazing, baby.”

I preened with confidence at his words. Not only did he direct me, but he also helped me to know if I was doing things right.

“Yeah, right there… just like that.”

Nate groaned and gently thrust into my mouth. “Fuck, I’m getting close. We should stop,” he said.

Instead, I doubled down. Nate had said he wanted to come inside me, but I also wanted his cum to flood in my mouth. We could have sex later when he recovered.

But Nate didn’t let me. He tugged on my hair, forcing me to pop off. “No, I want to be inside you.”

“Please, Star. Come in my mouth.”

He processed my words, but shook his head. “I want to be inside you. We’ll suck each other off later tonight.”

Appeased, I nodded and stood.

“Remove your clothes, Sam.”

I unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, sliding them off my legs. Next, I took off my T-shirt and tossed it to the ground. Last, I removed my underwear.

Nate sat on the couch, lazily pumping his dick as he scanned my body, watching me undress.

My cock throbbed and ached, but I didn’t touch it. I stood there, waiting for my instructions.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous, baby. Get on the couch on your knees and lean over the back. I want to play with your hole.”

An arousing shudder traveled through my body as I did as I was told. My knees sunk into the worn couch cushions as I rested my chest onto the back of the couch, exposing my ass to my star. It was vulnerable, and my mind kept flashing to when those assholes touched me as a kid, but they never had me like this. Only Nate. I trusted him with every fiber of my being.

His fingers spread my cheeks, and he puffed his breath over my hole. I clenched on instinct, but when he swiped his tongue over it, my body melted into the couch.

His tongue was warm and wet. How did this feel so good? It didn’t make sense to me, but I didn’t complain either. The arousing sensation was so relaxing, I struggled to keep my thoughts on track. My mind slipped into a life with Nate where we were married, promising we would never separate until the day we died. No matter where life took us or if we lost everything and had to live on the streets again, so be it. As long as Nate was with me, everything would be okay.

My Polaris made every bad thing forgettable whenever he touched me. I’d never suffered, my brain was intact, and I was… normal. Nate made me whole and made this horrible world worth living for.

The coldness across my skin pulled me back to the present.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, kissing the globes of my ass. “I’m never going anywhere, not without you.”

His hands slid up my back as he kissed my skin. One of his hands slipped under my stomach and down until he fisted my weeping cock. The rush of arousal swept across me, and I shuddered at his touch.

“Let’s open you up more, baby.”

He kissed my back again and let go of my dick, leaving me needy for his touch, but I said nothing, knowing Nate wouldn’t leave me hanging.

I craned my neck to watch him pour lube into his hand and stroke himself, getting his cock oily and ready for me. My heart beat faster, knowing we were about to have sex soon. It wasn’t just about the sex or fucking. We made love and explored our bodies, still learning about each other—what made us tingle, what made us cry out in pleasure, what made us come.

Soon, Nate inserted his finger inside me. There was a slight pressure, but since he’d rimmed me, I opened up easily for him.

“How does that feel?” he asked.

“So good.”

I leaned down again, resting my head on my arms, shoving my ass back, enjoying Nate’s fingers.

After massaging my hole with three fingers, he pulled them out, leaving me empty, but he’d be filling me up soon enough. My dick throbbed with anticipation.

“On your back, Sam. I always want to see your face when you come. It’s a beautiful thing.”

“I like watching you, too.”

After I fell onto my back on the cushions, Nate attacked me, taking my mouth in his. He thrust his stiff cock on mine as we consumed each other. Having his dick rub up against my dick was insane and something I wanted to explore more of next time.

When we came up for air, he said, “Pull your legs back for me. Let me get in there. I fucking need to be inside you like yesterday.”

“Hurry, Star… need you, too.”

If there was any doubt or struggle with Sam wanting me, his words squashed them away. Not that I had any doubt—only if I did. His breathless, ‘need you,’ was nearly enough to do me in. I wouldn’t last long once I was inside him.

Sam pulled back his legs, and I eased my tip inside his hole. He shut his eyes and bore down on me, allowing me to slide right in. He was completely open to me. We were two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together.

My eyes shuttered closed, and my body trembled. His tight and smooth heat wrapped around my dick like a loving hug had my balls drawn up tight already. No, I wouldn’t last long, and hopefully, one day, I could learn more self-control. I also needed to learn to be more controlling for Sam. He seemed to thrive on it. It made him so responsive.

I understood it, yet I didn’t. It helped him stay focused, but also, after what had happened to him, it still surprised me that he’d want to be controlled at all. But he asked for it, so I gave it to him. Anything for him.

To slow things down, I lay on top of him, feeling his heart thumping against mine, and kissed him. As much as I wanted to rush and pound into him, I slowly pumped in and out instead. I’d rather make love than just fuck. I waited years to have him and make him mine, so I would never take him for granted. Sam needed love, patience, and compassion.

His hands tangled in my hair, gently gripping it as our mouths and tongues danced and tasted.

“I love you, Sam,” I breathed on his lips.

“I love you… so much.”

My thrusting slowly picked up as I kissed his jaw and down his throat. He stretched his neck for me so I had complete access where I gently nipped him.

My skin flushed hot as I tried to control the arousal, pushing back my inevitable climax. Even at this slow pace, it was enough to do me in.

Just a bit longer. Hold out for Sam.

He hooked his legs at my back and pulled me deeper inside. My toes curled and my eyes rolled. Fuck… so deep.

“Right there, Star. Keep hitting there.”

I needed to talk to him, to say dirty and controlling things, but I couldn’t find the words, getting lost in his body.

I pushed myself up, picking up speed, and watched my Sam, the most precious person in the world to me, with his eyes closed and his mouth open, panting. His cock was red and leaking, but he didn’t even touch himself as he took me.

I sat farther back and unwrapped his legs, pushing them against his body, watching my cock move in and out of him. I’d never get tired of seeing that, and I hoped I never did.

Sam looked stunning lying there, taking me in. The level of love I had for him nearly suffocated me, and I had to force myself to breathe through it.

I was getting close. So close. The pressure grew too much, wanting to explode out of me.

“Stroke yourself, baby. Come around my cock.”

Sam didn’t hesitate to grab his dick and rapidly tugged on it, panting with his eyes scrunched closed.

“Yes, like that. I want to feel you tighten around me.”

Even after weeks since my accident, my body wasn’t one hundred percent, so I ached a bit and quickly grew tired, but I pushed through the discomfort. I thrust harder and faster, trying to hit that spot inside him, but I wasn’t sure if I did. Sweat broke out on my face and back as the impending orgasm hit me.

Suddenly, Sam’s ass turned into a vise, squeezing the life out of my dick as spurts of cum decorated his stomach and chest.

“God… Star,” he cried out.

My body shuddered before I couldn’t take it anymore. The tightness and heat of his ass milked my cock until I came inside him, pumping over and over. I pulsed. He pulsed.

Unable to hold myself up anymore, I fell on top of Sam, his panting breaths making my head rapidly rise and fall. His cum was sticky, but I didn’t care. We would shower together later.

His fingers traveled along my sweaty back, soothing me and pulling sleepiness from me. I shut my eyes and listened to his steady heart rapidly beating like a rock song.

“I never imagined sex could be that good,” he said quietly. “I imagined it with you, but never grasped how much I would love you inside me. It’s also hard not to have flickers of it being wrong sometimes. Only four months was all it took to teach my body the wrongness of sex with a man.”

I pushed myself up by my arms to look at him. “Sam… Shit, if this is too hard, tell me, okay?”

“That’s the thing. Being with you like this isn’t hard. Making love to you is as easy as breathing. You pull me out of my head and teach me the rightness of us and how we’ve always belonged together.”

“We do belong together. I just wish I’d gotten my head out of my ass and tried to stop being afraid long enough to claim you.”

“I think it worked out exactly as it was supposed to.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I was terrified at first, but we needed it to happen at this moment. If it happened while we lived on the streets, I don’t think we were ready for all that. We’d both been such a mess, but we still had each other.”

I laid back down and turned my head to listen to his heart again, which now beat steadily, like it was filled with the confidence of his words. It was a comforting sound, a reminder of being alive. My finger swirled around one of his nipples, as his fingers twirled a lock of my hair and he kissed my head.

“Would you ever want to be inside me? I don’t mind being a strict top for you, Sam, if that’s what you want.”

“I want to give you everything, but I’m not sure. When you control the show, you silence my inner voice, giving me direction. I’m afraid if I’m in you, I won’t be able to do that.”

“That’s fine. I can be a bossy top for you.”

Sam huffed a laugh in my hair. “I think we can try it one day because I’m comfortable enough around you to fail. I wasn’t at first, but maybe I am now.”

Always my brave Sam. I kissed the nipple I’d been playing with.

“Nate? I’m going to try to do better.”

I lifted my head to look at him. He was frowning, his brows dropping low as he chewed on his lip ring.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to talk to that therapist Alpha found for me. It’s over the phone.”

“Are you sure?”

He swallowed hard, looking a little green.

“Sam, if you aren’t ready, I’m not going to push you.”

We talked about this earlier, but I wouldn’t force him. He had to do this on his own. That he already spoke to Alpha about it was a huge step, and I’d be there for every step he took, whether they were steps back, steps forward, baby steps, or massive leaps.

“I-I think I am. It’s scary, but… I have to do this… not just for me, but for us.”

His cum stuck to me as I sat up, giving him my full attention. “Are you sure?” I asked him again.

He nodded, sucking his lip ring into his mouth. “Can you do it with me?”

“Of course. Absolutely.”

I grabbed his face and kissed him. “Fuck, Sam. Have I told you how proud I am of you?”

He smiled shyly. “Yeah, a few times, but maybe you won’t be so much if I fail.”

“It’s not a failure if you can’t do it, Sam. That you want to try this at all is so brave and strong. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will.”

“C-can you ask Alpha to help and set up the appointment for me? I may need reminding, too.”

“You got it.”

We sat in my bed, and Sam clung to me with his head tucked into my chest. I called the number provided to us for the video conference. Alpha tried to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist who’d just finished medical school and was taking on a couple of pro-bono cases. It hadn’t been easy since Sam was an adult who had to make his own medical choices. He had to fill out all the paperwork, sign it, and make an online appointment. I helped him every step of the way.

Sam’s situation intrigued her, and she agreed to treat him free of charge, but we had to be financially responsible for any meds she might put him on.

A woman soon popped up on the screen. She was really pretty and young. Younger than I thought she’d be. I didn’t know what to expect, really. She had blond hair that was wavy to her shoulders, and she wore glasses. But it was her smile that drew me in.

“She’s on, baby,” I said.

“Hi, are you Nate or Sam?”

“I’m Nate.” I pointed the camera from Sam’s phone down at him so she could see he was there.

“Hi there, Sam. I’m Dr. Emma Tucker.”

“Hi,” he said, with his face buried in my stomach. His body was tight, and it trembled.

“She looks really nice, Sam. You should see her.”

He shook his head.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to look at me. Whatever makes you feel safe, Sam. I understand you’ve had some past trauma with doctors. It’s okay to be afraid and nervous, and I’ll do my best to make you feel comfortable. Hopefully, in time, you’ll come to trust me. And I will never betray that trust.”

He nodded his head.

“He says okay,” I tell her.

“Today, we’ll just get to know each other, and perhaps get you a prescription if I feel you need it. Just remember that no one can hurt you over the phone, and you have your best friend with you.”

“Best boyfriend,” he said in my stomach, making me smile. She did, too.

“I stand corrected… best boyfriend.”

God, I hated that he was so afraid and reduced to a nearly child-like status. I hoped this doctor was good for him and finally got him to open up. Sam really needed this.

“You’re very brave, Sam, to do this. Nate must be special indeed.”

Sam finally sat up and looked at the phone, but snuggled into me. “He is.”

She smiled again, and Sam rested his head on my shoulder.

“You two are lucky to have each other.”

“We are,” I said and kissed his head.

“I’ve received the email with both of your backstories. It’s understandable why you would have iatrophobia, Sam.”

“What’s that?” he asked.

“A phobia of doctors, or anyone in the medical field, really. I’m going to be honest here. We need more fighting against conversion therapies. It needs to be banned globally, but it’s a hard fight. They keep pushing them, claiming they work, but all they do is make you all afraid, and most of it borders on abuse. Some are worse than others. It really needs to be abolished, and I’m so sorry you were forced through that as a child. I wish you had someone to turn to for help, but many children do not. You’re not alone, Sam. I also want to put out there that doing group therapy, talking to others who have gone through conversion therapy, could help you, too. Finding others like you helps validate your fears and they push you to accept what you’d gone through without internalizing.”

We talked for nearly an hour about Sam and me. She used the paperwork we’d filled out to understand our situation, and Sam had taken an online screening for ADHD, among other things. It had been long and arduous, but he got through it. Eventually, he’d have to go in for a more thorough testing with scans.

Despite me being here, this was mostly about Sam, but since we were so closely tied together, she worked with me, too.

Sam slowly warmed up to her. He still trembled and played with my hair for comfort, but he periodically talked to her and answered her questions. It was a promising start, though I wasn’t sure he’d even do that were we forced to go to her office.

“Okay, the hour is about up. I’d like to prescribe you some ADHD medication and anxiety medication. We’re going to start with a lower dosage and work our way up until you see some improvements. I need to talk to you once a week, Sam. It’s important because I need to make sure the meds are working and that you’re making progress, and then see if we can’t get you to open up more. I think you’ll find the medicine will help with that. ADHD medicine can sometimes exacerbate anxiety, so I need to monitor it closely.”

“Okay,” he said.

“With therapy and medication, hopefully, you’ll feel better enough to come in for further testing.”

She gave instructions on how to take the medicine and how often. I made notes so I wouldn’t forget and to make sure Sam took them.

“One more thing, and this is for Nate. I would like to see you relinquish some of your assistance with Sam. Sam, you need to be more self-sufficient, and I’m certain you are and can be.”

“But I like it when he helps. I can’t remember everything.”

She smiled. “The medicine will help with that. But Nate needs to let go a bit, too, not just for you, but for himself. You two are incredibly codependent on each other.”

“But I don’t want to be away from Nate,” Sam said. You could hear the panic rising in his voice.

“I understand the uncertainty and fear of it after being reliant on Nate for seven years. This will be a slow process to ease you into the change. Nate will still help you, but I think he needs to do things for himself periodically, as you do. He’s also dependent on you, needing you for his own self-worth, and you’re dependent on him for doing everything except your job and skateboarding. We want you both to be happy and have confidence, as well as to have a healthy and loving relationship. Leaning on each other is wonderful, and you two are very good at that.”

I swallowed my nerves. Breaking away from Sam and relinquishing my help would be hard. It had become practically a habit, but I’d already mentioned this to Sam. “I’ve talked about this with Sam. I know I… take on a lot for him. Part of it is doing all that I can, so he’ll love me.”

Sam looked at me and smiled. “I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“That love will keep you two strong. One more thing before I hang up. Have you ever thought about going into caregiving as a job, Nate? You’re incredibly patient and work really well with Sam. You bring him comfort and stability when he needs it.”

My face burned, and I shook my head. “Nah, I’m… only patient with Sam.”

“That’s not true,” Sam said, sounding bolder and more confident.

“I’m also not the smartest. I don’t have much of an education, and I don’t read so well.”

“I think you’ll be surprised by how smart you are. Just think about it. You can go to the community college, which is relatively affordable, and take as many or few classes as you would like. Being a nurse or caregiver pays quite well. This would be something right up your alley, I believe.”

“Ah, maybe. Thanks.”

We ended the call with instructions on how to sever our codependency with simple tasks. I was sure we could do this. I didn’t know if Sam would continue with therapy or if it would all work out, but damn if I wouldn’t help him. Hell, I needed it, too.

Sam and I lay down on the bed, touching and staring at each other.

“How do you feel?” I asked.

“I felt like I was going to throw up at first, but she’s… nice. She wasn’t that scary. But I’m really tired now.”

“She seems really nice, Sam.”

“Yeah. I like what she said about you doing caregiving. You’d be good at it.”

“We’ll see.”

Although it would be nice to have a career in the future, something I could be proud of, but something I hadn’t dreamed possible.

I ran my fingers through his hair, slightly damp from his nervous and anxious sweating. “We’re going to be okay, Sam. You and I… We’re stronger together. Maybe we are codependent on each other, and we need to work on that, but we also work well together. We both need some more self-love and self-worth. But with Dr. Tucker’s help, I think we can do this. Soon, you’ll be on some meds, and I fucking hope they make you feel better. This is a step in the right direction, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. One day, you’ll see what I see, Sam. One day.”

He pulled me close to him and nuzzled his face in my throat. “I don’t see it, but I want to.”

“That’s another big step, baby. I fucking love you.”

“Never stop telling me that. Please.”

“Never. My last dying breath a very long time from now will be, ‘I love you, Sam.’”

Six months later

“Sam’s looking really good these days,” Stix said as we skateboarded toward the thrift store several blocks from the grocery store.

“He really is. The therapy has been going great for both of us. He’s finally easing up on his fears. Sometimes he regresses, but the meds his doctor has him on have done wonders for him. It’s like he’s a new man. He’s always been amazing, but now he really feels good and happy. There’s still a lot of work to do, like we can’t get him in to see a doctor for his health yet, but I’m confident we’ll get there.”

“That’s awesome, man. I’m so happy for you two.”

“Thanks.”

When we jumped off our boards, we walked up to a man smoking and leaning against the building. As soon as he saw me, he dropped his cigarette and stepped on it.

“Nate,” he said breathlessly.

“Hey… Isaiah.” I still had a tough time calling him dad, but we were working on it. Inviting him here today was the first step toward hopefully building something special between us.

“Stix, this is my… father, Isaiah. Uhm, this is Stix, or you can call him Nico.”

They shook hands, eying each other. “How do you do, Stix?”

“Hey, Mr. L.”

Isaiah smiled at that, and then he looked at me. “So, what are the plans for today?”

I hadn’t told him why he was meeting me, only to be here. Hell, I hadn’t told Stix either.

“Well, I need some support while I try to find a ring for Sam… a wedding ring. I’m going to ask him to marry me. Yeah, we’re young, but we’ve been together for seven years now, pushing eight, and will be together for the rest of our lives. I just want to make that promise to him.”

Stix grabbed me and lifted me off my feet.

“Oof…”

“I’m so fucking happy for you, Nach! This is the best news ever. Sam’s going to be so surprised and happy.”

“I think you broke something.”

Stix snorted a laugh as I rubbed my ribs and turned to face my father. Isaiah beamed a smile my way with a hand on his nape. “Can I… give you a hug?”

I nodded. It was tentative and quick, but it was our first hug. Look at me growing. “I invited you here to move forward together, if that’s okay. And Stix is here because we’ve become really close, and he’s been dealing with my pining over Sam since the beginning.”

My father’s eyes watered, and he looked away. “It’s more than okay, Nate. Thank you for… giving me a chance.”

“I’m giving us a chance. Would you come with me to the diner where we first met after this? I’m going to ask him there, surrounded by my family.”

“I’d like that.” He gently clapped me on the back and steered me inside. “Let’s find your special man a ring.”

This store was Sam's and my favorite. It had a huge selection, and it was affordable. Sometimes, we could spend hours here perusing the racks, even if we had only bought one thing.

We made our way to the back of the store, passing clothes, shoes, and home decor to the jewelry cases. There were a surprising number of wedding bands for sale, and even better, I could afford them because I’d been saving up my tips to buy him something nice.

“I tricked Sam a while back. We went shopping for rings, pretending we were getting married just for fun so I could learn his damn ring size. I tried to get an idea of what he liked, but he tried on silver, gold, black metal… So I just need to guess here.”

“Nah, if I know Sam, he’s going to love whatever you get him,” Stix said.

“How about that one?” Isaiah pointed to a ring that really stood out. It had rose gold in the middle, but the outside was gunmetal and hammered, so it had a cool texture.

“That’s actually pretty nice.”

I looked at the salesperson helping us. “What size is that?”

“This is a ten.”

I deflated. “It’s too big.”

“I may have a couple more of these in the back. What size are you looking for?”

“Nine.”

He returned a moment later and set the rings on the counter. “I don’t have this particular one in that size, but I have these, and they’re similar.”

I lifted the one that looked just like the other one, except it was all black. “That’s actually pretty cool.”

“Sam will love it, I’m sure,” Isaiah said.

“How much?” I asked the salesperson.

“Forty-three dollars.”

I nodded. “I’ll take it.”

Fuck, my hands were literally sweating and trembling when we stepped into the diner. There were several tables pushed together to fit all of us. I hadn’t told anyone why I’d arranged this other than to show up to celebrate a surprise. I’d even invited Blaze and Cueball because Sam said he felt they belonged to our family now after they helped him when my betrayal had hurt him.

Shit, what I’d done to him still hurt. Thank fuck he forgave me.

I fingered the ring in my jeans pocket as we walked toward the table, looking like everyone had arrived. Even Stix’s mom and his sister Nova were there.

“It’s going to be great,” Isaiah whispered in my ear.

I smiled up at him. “I hope so.”

“Looks like you gotta good family here, Nate.”

My heart beat a little faster, and my body grew warm from the love of the people who had come. “I really do.”

Nova suddenly rushed at me, and I lifted her in the air. She may have been Stix’s little sister, but she belonged to all of us. Her long brown hair was in pigtails, and she had dark eyes like Stix. She really was the sweetest thing.

“Hi, Nacho!”

“What’s up, little munchkin?”

I tickled her, making her giggle before I set her down, and she ran back to her mother.

After I introduced Isaiah to everyone, we all sat down, and Sam saved me a seat next to him. He smiled at me and leaned in to kiss me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey, back.”

“So, are you going to tell us what’s going on and why we’re all gathered here? I mean, even your dad is here, so something must be up.”

I nodded as my stomach turned, feeling queasy. I shouldn’t have been nervous, but this was a big step in our lives. What if he said no? It could happen. It's not that he didn’t want to be with me, but he may not be ready.

Not wanting to embarrass Sam in front of everyone, and why I didn’t say anything about this to our crew other than to Stix and Isaiah, I leaned in to whisper my question to him.

“Sam…”

His brows furrowed, knowing something was off. “What’s wrong, Star?” he whispered back.

“Nothing… Just a little nervous.”

“About?”

“Us… Sam, you’re my life. You're like one of my lungs, keeping me breathing and alive. As I’ve said, you’ve given me purpose and a family that I’d never had. You're mine forever, or so I hope.”

He leaned over and kissed me again. “Always, Nate. We’re in this life together forever.”

“Good, because… uhm…” I reached into my pocket and slipped the ring into his palm. “Because I want to marry you if you want to. We don’t need to rush this or anything. I just want to make you a promise.”

His gorgeous green eyes grew wide. “You… want to get married?”

I nodded. “So much. Like I said, it can wait.”

He looked down at the ring in his hand and slipped it on his ring finger. “It fits. I love it.”

“So… is that a…?”

His smile beamed. “That’s a yes, Star.”

We kissed again, this time with a little tongue, but we tried not to be overly inappropriate.

When we came up for air, Sam looked at everyone with watery eyes. “We’re getting married!”

There were cheers, congratulations, hugs, and pats on the back, but I couldn’t focus on that. All my attention was on my Sam. My future. My everything. But our family didn’t let us be alone in our joy, and I loved them for it.

As we got settled and our food came, I glanced over at my dad, who was talking to Stix’s mom. They sat really close, and both were smiling and chatting. Then she blushed while laughing. What was going on there? Were they suddenly interested in each other?

I shrugged. If so, then Isaiah couldn’t have found a better woman.

Dinner couldn’t have been over soon enough. Yes, we were celebrating, but now I wanted Nate all to myself where I could show him how much I appreciated him and how much I loved him.

I had every intention of attacking my Star as soon as our apartment door closed, but he was on me in a rush, shoving me against the door as his mouth slammed on mine. He fisted my shirt and consumed my lips.

“This all needs to come off,” he breathed, tugging on my clothes. “Now.”

My cock went from soft to titanium in seconds with his words. I grabbed the hem of my shirt and yanked it off, tossing it to the floor. Nate pulled at my jeans, trying to get them undone. He growled at them when he couldn’t unbutton them. Fuck, he was so cute.

I laughed and helped him take my pants off, too, as I toed off my shoes.

“What about you?”

“I’m in charge here.”

Hell, yeah.

Nate was getting really good at the bossy stuff. I ate it up. Maybe one day I’d get the balls to take charge, but for now, I just wanted him to do it.

Thank fuck my ADHD meds didn’t hinder my sex drive, but the anxiety meds did, and enough so that I’d asked the doctor to take me off them, but she had lowered the dosage instead.

“I want to see you naked. Take off the rest of your clothes, then get me undressed,” Nate ordered.

I pulled off my socks and underwear, then attacked Nate’s clothes, being rather impatient. We could make it more of a ritual next time.

Once I had him naked, I stood in front of him, not touching myself or him, waiting for his next order.

He scanned my body up and down, biting his bottom lip while grabbing my hand. “To the bedroom. I have a plan.”

My cock jumped at that, and I had no idea why. Perhaps it was the unknown and promise of something exciting and different.

Once we reached Nate’s room—our room—we climbed into the bed. “I thought we’d try the sixty-nine position. Wouldn’t it be fun to get each other off at the same time?”

I nodded and smiled like a loon. “Yeah, it would.”

“I’m going to lay on the bed, and you’re going to be on top, facing my feet.”

My dick leaked at the images flashing in my mind. “Okay,” I breathed, because I was incapable of saying anything else remotely interesting.

Nate fell onto his back and wiggled his finger at me to come to him. I smiled and hopped into bed.

“Kiss me first,” he said.

I leaned down and pressed my lips to his, closing my eyes to feel his tongue, his soft mouth, and his breath on my skin, still smelling like buttercream icing from the cake we had to eat after dinner.

When we came up for air, I looked down at my beautiful star with swollen lips glistening from our mingled saliva. Nate’s eyes were hooded and framed by his gorgeous, thick lashes.

I touched his face with my fingertips. “You’re so beautiful. My star.”

Nate reached up for me and also touched my face. “As are you. Now, turn around and suck my cock.”

His grin turned crooked, and his eyes were mischievous. I snorted a laugh, happy to obey his every command. “Aye, aye, bossy pants.”

As soon as my ass turned to Nate’s face, he gave it a little smack. “Behave.”

I shuddered in pleasure and reached for his cock, and swallowed him down as far as I could take him. Nate moaned behind me and spread his legs, opening himself up to me. His body trembled for a moment, and when it calmed down, he also grabbed my dick and put it in his mouth.

With his long fingers, he spread my ass cheeks and played with my hole as I slowly pumped in and out of his mouth with shallow thrusts, careful not to choke him.

“No!” I cried out when he popped off me.

“Be good, baby. I promise I’m going to treat you right.”

His fingers dug deeper into my meaty flesh and swiped his tongue over my hole.

“Oh, god… fuck, fuck… I love it when you do that.”

I had a hard time focusing on sucking his dick when he rimmed me. It was too easy to get lost in his fantastic tongue, but damn if I didn’t try. My rhythm was sporadic, and I doubted Nate was getting into it despite being as hard as a rock and leaking into my mouth.

Once he had my hole good and wet, he inserted a finger, pumping it in and out of me, and swallowed my dick down again. The penetration and stimulation along my cock was overwhelming. Heat coursed over my skin, and my face flushed while my balls drew up too tight, ready to nut.

Tingles traveled along my spine, and my skin broke out in arousing goosebumps. It wasn’t only the stimulation, but that Nate was the one doing it. Being with him sexually never ceased to amaze me that we’d gone this far after all those years.

Nate eased in another finger, and it was over. I popped off him and cried out, pumping cum into his mouth as he continued to thrust his fingers in my hole, rubbing along my prostate. I shuddered with the crashing climax as he sucked out the last drops.

Before I let myself fall into numbness, I tackled his dick again, getting serious about making him come. He slipped his fingers out of me, leaving me empty, but his hands still gripped my ass as he thrust into my bobbing mouth.

“Fuck, baby… your mouth. It’s almost as good as your ass.”

I groaned around his throbbing dick and reached for his balls, giving them gentle tugs and swirling them in my hand.

Needing him deeper, I let go of his nuts, slid my hands under his ass, and pulled him deeper into my mouth.

“Oh god… how do you do that?”

His ass was practically off the bed as I sucked harder, hollowing out my cheeks and using my tongue on all his sensitive areas.

“I’m going to come… Sam… more… fuck… holy shit, right there.”

God, I loved his sex-drugged rambling because it was me who caused it. What a powerful feeling.

Soon, his tangy cum flooded my mouth, and I swallowed every single drop. Once Nate finished and sunk back into the bed, I swiped his tip to get the last morsel of earthiness. His body shuddered, and he whimpered before settling down again.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and fell next to him, holding up my hand with the ring he gave me on my finger. It looked so pretty there. I was going to have to give him one, too.

“We’re going to make awesome husbands,” I said.

“Perfect husbands.”

“Yep.”

“The world made us into who we are at this moment in time, to come together and be right where we need to be.”

“Our road was hard, and we’ll have many hard roads ahead of us.”

“But we’ll be together through it all.”

“And always take care of each other.”

“Forever.”

“Until forever.”

The End

Also by Courtney W. Dixon

Kings of Boston

In Silence

In Retribution

In Strength

In Redemption

In Preservation

In Vindication

Ohana Surfing Club

Impact Zone

Pura Vida

Double Up

No Man’s Land

Knights of Boston

The Healer

The Boxer

The District

His Death Bringer

His Bane

Alpha’s Rejects

Stix & Stone

Pippin & Nacho

Standalone Novels

A Home in You

Outplayed

All Roads Lead to You

Standalone Novelas

Trapped for the Holidays

The Candidate’s Obsession

Anthologies/Collaborations

Fighting the Fear - Fighting for Love Collaboration

Game Night: Truth or Dare Anthology

After Dark Anthology

Afterword

Now, I’m not the best writer in the world, haha. Not even remotely. But I really try my best to write a half-decent story, and I’m always learning. I also love to challenge myself and write all sorts of character types. It’s why I can write a psychopath and then write two idiots in college who fall in love over blow jobs. But I always go back to my main love: hurt/comfort. Sam and Nate were the ultimate hurt/comfort. Both of them needed it and needed each other. 

I also love writing imperfect characters. Nate, for example, in his need to keep Sam with him, bent over backward for Sam to the point where Sam could barely do things for himself. I told one of my beta readers that I likened Nate to that of a housewife who does whatever she can to keep her husband happy and from straying. Nate’s abandonment issues affected Sam in a negative way, though Nate wasn’t intentionally holding Sam back. There was nothing nefarious about it. Meanwhile, Sam was too afraid to let go and be on his own. That’s the danger of co-dependency, which can turn toxic if you’re not careful. I know this from personal experience.

In the end, they both needed therapy and got it. I didn’t go into too much detail about the therapy, but I definitely wanted to show that the boys got the help they desperately needed.

Writing their co-dependency was challenging and fun. I generally don’t write BFFs to lovers. I believe the last time was Double Up, from Ohana Surfing Club. It’s not everyone’s jam, not even mine, but I wrote them that way because I enjoy writing different relationship dynamics in a series. I hope you all loved Sam and Nate. They deserve a little happiness, no?

I also loved writing a good parent for a change, haha. We will see more of Isaiah in future books. Nate and Sam really needed a parental figure in their corner, one who isn’t Ms. J. I freaking loved writing about Nate finding his father and not having him be a piece of shit, but someone who really struggled and didn’t want to let Nate go. I tend to write bad parents for personal reasons. It’s… cathartic.

But my BIGGEST happy spot in this book was Nate asking for blowjob help from Stone. I smiled like a loon the entire way through that chapter.

Anyway! Thank you for reading Pippin & Nacho. My sweet Sam and Nate.

The next book is Blaze & Ajax. We’re talking true enemies to lovers here.

Question: After reading this, would you like a book about Cueball? I love his character, but his book is up in the air right now. After Blaze & Ajax, it will be Alpha’s book. But if there’s an interest there, I could do Cueball’s story for the final book. Right now, I’m testing the waters.

FREE - All the Ways I Promise You

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Acknowledgements

I’m not sure where I would be without the continued support system I’ve had since my debut novel. I have an amazing team of alpha readers, beta readers, my ARC team, who have no problems giving me their honest opinions, my Street Team, and my P.A.s Chanel and Nicole, who push the promotions to really get me noticed and help me succeed as an MM romance author. I love them for it.  

Thank you to my husband, Hao, who humors me in all my creative endeavors (which are a lot) while he read my debut novel. Despite my best efforts, I just couldn’t get him to read a male/male romance, though he thoroughly respects the genres. But he’s always willing to help me make my creations a reality and support me through my overworking.

I also want to give a special thank you to my growing list of author friends, especially Joelle Lynne, and all their amazing support. I love how people can lift each other up. We need more of this.