The Author's Ordeal
(with apologies to W. S. gilbert)

Copyright © 1957 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

Plots, helter-skelter, teem within your brain;
Plots, s.f. plots, devised with joy and gladness; Plots crowd your skull and stubbornly remain,
Until you're driven into hopeless madness.
When you're with your best girl and your mind's in a whirl and you don't
hear a thing that she's saying; Or at Symphony Hall you are gone past recall and you can't tell a note that
they're playing; Or you're driving a car and have not gone too far when you find that you've
sped through a red light, And on top of that, lord! you have sideswiped a Ford, and have broken your
one working headlight; Or your boss slaps your back (having made some smart crack) and you stare
at him, stupidly blinking; Then you say something dumb so he's sure you're a crumb, and are possibly
given to drinking.
When events such as that have been knocking you flat, do not blame supernatural forces; If you write s.f. tales, you'll be knocked off your rails, just as sure as the stars
in their courses.
For your plot-making mind will stay deaf, dumb and blind to the dull facts
of life that will hound you, While the wonders of space have you close in embrace and the glory of star
beams surround you.
You begin with a ship that is caught on a skip into hyperspace en route for
Castor, And has found to its cost that it seems to be lost in a Galaxy like ours, but
vaster. You're a little perplexed as to what may come next and you make up a series
of creatures Who are villains and liars with such evil desires and with perfectly horrible
features. Our brave heroes are faced with these hordes and are placed in a terribly
crucial position, For the enemy's bound (once our Galaxy's found) that they'll beat mankind
into submission. Now you must make it rough when developing stuff so's to keep the yarn
pulsing with tension, So the Earthmen are four (only four and no more) while the numbers of foes
are past mention.
Our four heroes are caught and accordingly brought to the sneering, tyrannical leaders. "Where is Earth?" they demand, but the men mutely stand with a courage
that pleases the readers.
But, now, wait just a bit; let's see, this isn't it, since you haven't provided a
maiden, Who is both good and pure (yet with sexy allure) and with not many clothes
overladen. She is part of the crew, and so she's captured, too, and is ogled by foes who
are lustful; There's desire in each eye and there's good reason why, for of beauty our girl
has a bustful. Just the same you go fast till this section is passed so the reader won't raise
any ruction, When recalling the foe are all reptiles and so have no interest in human
seduction. Then they truss up the girl and they make the whips swirl just in order to
break Earthmen's silence, And so that's when our men break their handcuffs and then we are treated
to scenes full of violence. Every hero from Earth is a fighter from birth and his fists are a match for a
dozen,
And then just when this spot has been reached in your plot you come to with your mind all a buzzin'.
You don't know where you are, or the site of your car, and your tie is askew and you haven't a clue of the time of the day or of what people say or the fact that they stare at your socks (not a pair) and decide it's a fad, or else that you're mad, which is just a surmise from the gleam in your eyes, till at last they conclude from your general mood, you'll be mad from right now till you're hoary.
But the torture is done and it's now for the fun and the paper that's white and the words that are right, for you've worked up a new s.f. story.